Clow UFO Base bans Colin Kaepernick from exhibition football game (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The Department of Paranormal Affairs banned Colin Kaepernick from playing in the Clow UFO Base exhibition football game. It is scheduled for November 3rd.

“It has nothing to do with his perceived disrespect for the great and noble flag of the United States,” read the press release to interstellar media outlets.  “Colin is simply not eligible to be a player in the game because he has not officially retired from the NFL. Until he officially retires, he will not be allowed on the base.”

The game, Started in 1990, features NFL and college players.  Instead of wearing pads and helmets, players wear personal force fields.  No one has been injured during a game.

Randy X. Miller, the coach of the Blue Team, tried to draft Kaepernick.

“This decision is outrageous,” said Miller.  “The rule states that players must be out of the NFL at the time of the game with little chance of being signed by a team.  It does not say that a player has to announce his retirement.  This decision has nothing to do with that rule.  This decision has everything to do with Kaepernick refusing to stand for the National Anthem.  We don’t play it anyway during this game!”

The press release also reads: “Bolingbrook is known for its patriotic themed golf club and the proudly named Americana Estates luxury homes.  Mayor Roger Claar, who knew both President Ronald Reagan and President Donald Trump, is a proud American who knows when to stand and when to put his right hand on his heart.  He also knows that freedom is not the freedom to do whatever you want.”

Travis Z. Nelson, the coach of the Green Team, supports the ruling:

“Sure racism is bad, but Trump is the President, and we have to support our President.  It’s time to say to say to the universe that we are not ashamed of electing him president, and what are you going to do about it?  Oops.  Maybe I shouldn’t have said that.  Can you change that to read politics has nothing to do with sports, and we are proud to be starting Brett Farve, the best inactive quarterback out there?”

Some longtime fans of the game are threatening to boycott the game, including Xikobeet:

“I come to this Clow game, so I can experience football the way thousands of select rich humans see the regular game.  If they’re not going to play the best players because one of them is protesting racism, then why bother?  I can just fly over Soldier Field and watch the Bears lose from the comfort of my spacecraft.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar could not be reached for comment, but Trustee Michael Lawler said:

“You know, when I was appointed to the Village Board, Bolingbrook was a washed out— Damnit.  I did it again.  Well, whatever you’re writing about, just remember that I support Roger!”

Also in the Babbler:

Support victims of hurricane season 2017
Mayor Claar:  I will get my flags back!
Trustee Jaskiewicz vows to protect Asteroid 153289 Rebeccawatson from Mayor Claar
Lost Jewish Tribes to send battleships to protect local synagogues during Yom Kippur
God will spare Bolingbrook this week

Clow UFO Base hosts its first interstellar Game of Thrones convention (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Note:  This article contains Game of Thrones spoilers and a substance that might not be caffeine.

Over a thousand aliens gathered at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base for the first interstellar Game of Thrones convention, titled Blood Star 2017.

Kristian Nairn as Hodor.

Bolingbrook’s Mayor Roger Claar sat on a replica of the ‘Iron Throne’ Thursday night as he addressed the audience during the opening ceremony:

“You can call me the Mayor of the Southwest.  On behalf of the House of Claar—Ouch!  That hurt.  I hate this chair!  A king’s chair should feel comfortable!”

The guest of honor was Kristian Nairn, who played Hodor.  He was never aware that he was inside an actual UFO base.

“I’ve never been to a Game of Thrones convention where most attendees dressed up as aliens pretending to be a character from the show.”

An alien with spikes walked up to Nairn.  After looking down at him for a few moments, it curled up into a ball and started crying.  “Hold the door!  Hold the door!  You held the door!”

“Great costume, and good acting, my friend.”

The first night of the convention featured a game show, Speed Titles.  Each contestant was given the name of a character and had to recite the character’s title.  The final round was between Olgo of the Corvox Empire, and Poenafa from the planet Venus.  Poenafa quoted Daenerys’ title in .5 seconds, shattering the old Galactic record of 10 seconds.  Olgo recited her title in .4 seconds.  Judges, after reviewing the video, determined that Olgo mispronounced a word.  Poenafa became the first champion.

“Thank you!”  Said Poenafa.  “Ever since I was a shell, I dreamed of leaving my peaceful world and venturing into the violent world of Westeros. Today, I know I would be killed within five minutes of appearing in Westeros, but I still love it.  Thank you for rewarding my love.”

On the second night, there was a Stannis Baratheon Grammar Bowl.  The winner was named ‘Lord of the Light, while the losers were burned in honor of the Lord of Light.  Game organizers insisted that the losers wore fire proof suits, but none of them could be reached for an interview.

The only other act of violence occurred after a viewing party for the season finale.  Many had placed illegal bets on the winner of the rumored Cleganbowl, but lost their money when the brothers didn’t fight during the episode.

An anonymous alien explained: “Not only did I lose my hard earned credits, but now I’m in jail for inciting a riot and gambling.  I think now is a good time to convert to humanity’s libertarian religion”.

The highlight of the convention was a speech by a masked man who claimed to have ghostwritten the controversial episode “Beyond the Wall.”  He explained its many puzzling features:

“I thought I had two weeks to write this, and that we were doing a ten episode season.  Later, I found out that we were doing only seven episodes, and that I had to turn my work in within three days.  At first, I had the worst case of writer’s block.  Then I got some garbage bags of, um, caffeine!  Yes, bags of caffeine!  Then it came to me.  I wrote ‘Beyond the Wall’ in about 15 minutes.  They did a minor cleanup afterward, but most of what you see is what I wrote!”

When asked about “supersonic ravens,” he replied: “Why can’t they go that fast?  Maybe the ravens had some caffeine before flying?  I’ve been known to run fast after a few big bags.”

At the closing ceremony, Claar confirmed that Clow would host next year’s convention.  Many screamed when he announced that the theme would be “The Red Convention.”

Also in the Babbler:

Help Houston:  Donate to Foundation Beyond Belief
Mayor Claar: I am not making skunks the official mascots of Bolingbrook

Thousands of UFOs diverted to Clow UFO Base.
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/1/17

Web Exclusive: Clow UFO Base conducts nuclear war drill (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base held its first nuclear war drill since 1993.

File photo of a Mushroom Cloud.

“It is just a coincidence that we decided to hold a nuclear attack drill for the first time in 24 years,” read a statement from Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “We are not worried about a rogue nation attacking the village that Money Magazine named ‘one of the best places to live in America’.”

The drill started when all the TV screens switched to a “special report” broadcast.  Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz appeared on the screen:

“Hello.  I’m pretending to be President Donald Trump.  My big hands just pressed the big red button—“

Mayor Roger Claar then walked up to Jaskiewicz.

“You are supposed to be playing Kim Jong-un.”

“I think you have a better understanding of him than I do.”

“Very funny, Brzezinski.”

“Jaskiewicz.”

“Whatever.”  Claar then turned towards the camera.  “For this drill, there is a North Korean missile with a nuclear-tipped warhead that will hit Bolingbrook in thirty minutes.  It begins now.”

At first, many aliens visitors didn’t know what to do:

“I thought the Earth custom was to raise your appendages in the air and scream,” said Lexopexo, from Tau Ceti.  “That’s followed by performing acts of vandalism, arson, and looting.  Before I got in trouble, a security officer said that Earthlings follow instructions if they don’t want to be killed.  Since he put it that way, what choice did I have?”

Many staff members, who spoke anonymously, said while they felt unprepared, and some of the procedures were out of date, the drill was a success.

One staffer was proud of her work.  “My job was to gather all the stray pets and children and to get them to a shelter.  You know how there’s always a stray child or pet in the movies that compels someone to risk their lives to save them?  Well, that wasn’t a problem under my watch.”

Oalpogoft from Pluto tried to get back to her craft during the drill.

“I told them that I could intercept the missile and save Bolingbrook.  They refused me access to my hanger.  They said that it was more important to keep aliens a secret to the public than to save thousands of lives.  I told them that was blezede up, but they replied that nuclear war was no big deal.  No big deal?  I told them to ask the survivors of Earth’s two atomic bomb attacks if it was no big deal.  The original inhabitants of Charon thought a nuclear war wouldn’t be a big deal, and now they’re extinct.  Duck and cover didn’t save them.”

After 30 minutes, Claar reappeared on the screens:

“The drill is over.  In our simulation, a 40 MT warhead struck Clow Airport.  We’ve estimated that 7,120 would be killed and 15,390 people would be injured by the blast.  Everyone inside the UFO base would have survived.  Now, had this been an actual nuclear strike, I would be in shock over the deaths of my loved ones and supporters.  Since this is only a drill, I can appreciate the positives.  According to our simulation, the Bolingbrook Golf Club and the Promenade survived the blast.  Survivors will be able to shop, and we can convert the Golf Club into a visitor’s center after we turn the blast site into a memorial park.  It will become a profitable tourist attraction.  Surviving businesses will have to hire new workers, but they can pay them less.  I’ll also have the authority to temporarily suspend the village charter, and rule by decree again.  Sorry, Stankowitz.”

“Jaskiewicz!”

“Close enough.”

Off-world Jews kicked out of the Chicago Dyke March (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Ten Jewish lesbians — from the solar system of the Lost Tribes of Israel — were kicked out of the Chicago Dyke March, along with three Jewish Earthlings.  They were removed from the march because they were rallying behind a gay pride flag with a Star of David.

According to the Windy City Times, the flags “made people feel unsafe,” because the march was “anti-Zionist” and “pro-Palestinian.”

Navit, a resident of the Asher world, was outraged by the decision: “I traveled several light years and endured a bus ride from Bolingbrook to make this march.  Now they’re kicking me out because of the Star of David?  Why wasn’t this a problem the previous three times I attended?”

Kalanit, a resident of the Levi world, was confused by the expulsion.  “I don’t agree with what the state of Israel is doing to the Palestinians.  We had nothing to do with the current situation.  It happened decades before we reestablished contact with Earth.  Besides, even the Jews on Earth have different opinions on the treatment of Palestinians under Israeli occupation.  Expelling us from a march doesn’t help.  It just pushes us into the arms of Prime Minister Netanyahu.”

“Ew!” Said Navit.  “Seriously, if you have a problem with the Israeli government, you should protest them, and leave other Jews out of it.”

Iliana Figueroa, a member of the Dyke March Collective, gave the following statement to the Chicagoist:

“Yesterday, during the rally, we saw three individuals carrying Israeli flags super imposed on rainbow flags. Some folks say they are Jewish Pride flags. However, as a Collective, we are very much pro-Palestine. When we see these flags we know a lot of folks who are under attack by Israel see the visuals of the flag as a threat, so we don’t want anything in the [Dyke March] space that can inadvertently or advertently express Zionism,” she said. “So we asked the folks to please leave. We told them people in the space were feeling threatened.”

Another member, who spoke anonymously to the Babbler, also defended the decision:

“If these aliens believed in justice, they would invade Israel and liberate the Palestinians.  They don’t.  So we know what their real agenda is!”

Both alien women say they still intend to visit the Chicago area in the future.

“The members of Kol Hadash and Beth Chaverim are always very welcoming to us.  They understand that preserving Jewish culture doesn’t mean believing in God.  These congregations alone make the trip to Earth worthwhile.”

They also said they would continue to attend Pride events on Earth, but will avoid the Chicago Dyke March in the future.

“When did being Jewish and being a queer become incompatible?” They asked.

Also in the Babbler:

Anonymous fooled into leaking fake alien video
Sources:  Mayor Claar asked to host talk show on Fox News
Transphobic AI obsessed with suspending Facebook accounts
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/1/17

Village of Bolingbrook defends advertising on Tabby’s Star Dyson Sphere (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs insists that its advertisement on the Tabby’s Star Dyson Sphere is not political.

Bolingbrook’s ad is featured on the Tabby’s Star Dyson Sphere.

Doug C. Baker, a spokesperson for the department, explained:  Sure, the phrase, ‘When you think of Earth, think Bolingbrook First’ can seem like an ad for Mayor Roger Claar’s political party.  That is not the proper view.  Interstellar visitors have a choice of hundreds of UFO bases to visit.  We’re just asking them to think of Bolingbrook first.  Our mission is to promote Clow UFO Base, and that’s what we’re doing!”

In addition to the slogan, the advertisement also features a picture of Claar.  The font used for “Bolingbrook First” is the same font that the Bolingbrook First party use for their logo.  Both fonts are the same colors, which are also part of the official colors for Bolingbrook.

While the village denies it is an ad, Bolingbrook United, Bolingbrook’s other political party, has their doubts.  Jean Z. Burns, who works for Bolingbrook United’s office at Clow, believes it is a political ad:  “Roger’s insulting our intelligence!  Of course, it is an ad.  Roger just finished delaying a trustee (Robert Jaskiewicz’s) swearing in, and he’s already starting the 2019 campaign.  It stinks that he can post ads on a Dyson sphere, and we can’t.  Speaking of stink, when are we going to get rid of the cat pee smell around here?”

Loikxdz, the administrator of the Tabby’s Star Dyson Sphere Preservation Society, denies the ad is political.  “Ads help us preserve one of the oldest Dyson spheres in the galaxy.  Roger is very generous with the Department of Interstellar Affair’s promotional budget.  This money will help us educate the galaxy about our historic megastructure.  Oh, did you know that they built this without using lasers or radio signals to communicate?  Incredible isn’t it.  I’m sure that’s what’s confusing your low-level astronomers.  Oh, our Dyson sphere has the largest and highest resolution display screen in the galaxy.”

When reached for comment, a receptionist said he was busy and could not be disturbed.

“Darn, I have the wrong SOP manual.  I need the one for calls from the Babbler.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Charline did a great job on the press release for Trustee Leroy Brown’s recognition as a Rotary Club Paul Harris Fellow.

A man who sounded like Trustee Rick Morales said: “I thought the Valley View school district wrote that press release.”

“I go wherever I am needed,” said Charline.

Claar then said, “I’ve asked Charline to write a press release about your upcoming speech to the Bolingbrook Jaycees.”

“Yes,” said Charline.  “I will say that you are the first non-member in this area to be named a Mary Scholar and are going to be inducted into Shawn’s Circle of Power!  The highest honor the Bolingbrook Jaycees can bestow upon a non-member.  Don’t worry.   Roger will still be a 33rd and 1/3 degree Jaycee so you won’t outrank him.”

“Charline, all I’m doing is giving a presentation on the lost art of balancing a checking account.  It sounds like you’re going to lie about my speech.”

“Impossible,” said Charline.  “The weak lie.  The powerful mold their truth onto reality.  You’re not weak.”

“I would appreciate it if you would go along.”  Said Claar.  “These releases will help us in our campaign against Bolingbrook United.”

Morales sighed.  “If I disobey you, Roger, Bolingbrook will descend into anarchy.  I’ll do it!”

“Good.  Charline, when you are done with Rick’s press release, I need you to write about my visit to Saint Francis of Assisi.”

“Sure!”

“Rick, I’ve always been a patron.  Thanks to Charline, now I will be able to add the word “saint.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook police arrest man who turned own home into a country
Taste of Bolingbrook 2017 is the first without an alien incident
Mayor Claar rejects UFO version of Lisle’s Eyes to the Skies
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/21/17

Web Exclusive: Lord Buckethead escapes Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Intergalactic Lord, arms dealer, and British politician Lord Buckethead escaped Clow UFO Base with the help of commandos.

File photo of Lord Buckethead by By Jonathan Harvey – Jonathan Harvey, CC BY-SA 4.0.

The breakout, which many sources consider the greatest security breach in Clow’s history, resulted in billions of dollars in damage.  Ten staff members suffered minor injuries.

“It’s was horrible!”, said an anonymous staffer.  “I dove under a table when the explosions started.  I really got scared when the Men in Blue started falling asleep.  When the explosions stopped, I got up and looked out my window.  There was a huge hole in the ceiling over the courtyard.  A small craft landed in the yard.  I was amazed that the drones didn’t attack it.  Anyway, Lord Buckethead and five commandos ran towards the ship.  When Lord Buckethead reached the craft, he did a dab then boarded.  I will never like that dance again!”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar was just starting a board meeting when told of the attack.  He called an executive session and pretended it was to discuss a pending legal case.  Once in a secure room, Claar tried to remotely revive the Men in Blue while IT staff tried to reboot’s Clow’s defenses.

After Lord Buckethead’s escape, Claar addressed the trustees.  The following is from the minutes of that executive session:

Mayor Roger Claar, a true Bolingbrook resident, honest to a fault, and a member of Bolingbrook First party, which always puts Bolingbrook first, said that he suspected Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the dishonest Bolingbrook United party, was behind the escape.

Jaskiewicz, who ran against the noble Bolingbrook First Party, who dishonestly asserted that Mayor Claar wasn’t the savior of Bolingbrook, and ran evil campaign ads that said Bolingbrook United was the best party for Bolingbrook, said he had nothing to do with the attack.  Jaskiewicz then questioned the wonderful Illuminati’s ability to defend Clow.

Lord Buckethead was held at Clow after being captured by the Illuminati during his visit to the United States.  The Illuminati charged him with illegal public actions and illegal arms trading.  Lord Buckethead, in between obscene comments, said he had a permit from the New World Order to run for Parliament, and did not respect the Illuminati.  Illuminati officials told him that they are at war with the New World Order, and he would have one day to decide to defect to the Illuminati or be executed after a show trial.

After his escape, Lord Buckethead released the following statement:

I don’t know what was worse: Being threatened with execution, or listening to Bolingbrook’s mayor whine about a governor he helped elect.  The civil war between Earth’s secret societies is turning your planet into a globe of (expletive deleted).  To the pathetic government of Bolingbrook:  I, Lord Buckethead, will now offer a discount on my car mounted laser guns to anyone who races cars on 95th Street!  Let the wreckage of Bolingbrook’s police cars be a lesson to any village that dares to detain me!

When reached for comment, a receptionist for the Village said he was busy.

“There’s a SOP for calls from you guys.  Let me look it up.”

In the background, a young woman said, “I wish would Roger would hurry up.”  She started to sing:  “How do you like my dab?/How do you like my dab?/How do—“

After a pause, a man who sounded like Claar said, “I don’t.”

Aliens apologize for participating in anti-Sharia law protest (Fiction)

At a press conference at Clow UFO Base, three aliens apologized for protesting Sharia law in Chicago. They apologized because they felt it really promoted hatred of Muslims.

“We heard bad things about Sharia law,” said Glopgax from Wolf 1061c.  “So I put on a human suit and joined the protest.  The counter-protesters started calling us racist; I realized that maybe there was something else going on.”

Bogoxt, from Kepler 442b, said she just wanted to have fun:  “I just went for the cosplay.  I wondered what I could do with the red, white, blue and orange theme.  They liked my costume and offered to let me hold the flag of Kekistan.  I was curious, so I looked it up online.  I discovered that it was a so-called “ironic” meme used to cover up its believers’ racism and sexism.  I handed the flag back and ran away.  I’m so sorry!  Can you forgive me?”

Leedez, from Wolf 1061c, said ze didn’t learn know about the organizers until ze participated in the protest: “I wanted to find out about the group organizing the national rallies, ACT for America.  When I found out that their leader, Brigitte Gabriel, said that Muslims couldn’t be loyal US citizens, I realized that maybe this wasn’t the rally for me.”

Bolingbrook Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, who organized the press conference, said he had arranged a meeting so the aliens could meet scholars and local Islamic leaders to discuss Sharia law.  They could also use the meeting to apologize to the Muslim Association of Bolingbrook if they wanted to.

Jaskiewicz added that Bolingbrook’s residents and visiting aliens had nothing to fear from Sharia law:

“In the United States, the US Constitution is the supreme law of the land.  There is no ordinance or court ruling that can change that.  Secular law governs everyone within the United States.  That includes Bolingbrook.”

After the press conference, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar approached Jaskiewicz.

Claar: “You know the goal of the Illuminati is to create global chaos, and we could use alien allies to achieve that goal.”

Jaskiewitz: “The goal of the New World Order is to build a just global harmony, and harmony is an idea worth spreading to other worlds.”

Claar: “Speaking of other worlds, Brodowski.”

Jaskiewitz: “Jaskiewicz.”

Claar: “Close enough.  This summer, the board is taking a trip to the planet Gaxton.  We’re going to meet with trade representatives from the Andromeda Galaxy, and we’re going to stay at a luxury resort.  This is all paid for by my interstellar campaign fund, by the way.  We’ve also got skybox seats for a Melodysheep concert.  That’s not the best part.  The best part of the trip is that each night we’ll be able to watch the Milky Way galaxy rise from the horizon, like a second dawn.  It’s an amazing sight that has changed the lives of all whom have witnessed it.  Guess who’s staying on Earth?”

Also in the Babbler:

Werewolves allowed to march in Bolingbrook Pet Parades as humans only
Claar rules that aliens can only sell BBQ sauce at MarketPlace
Bolingbrook man: ‘I was wrongly fired for ironically called my boss stupid’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/16/17

Web Exclusive: Skeptic Society named official skeptic organization of the Illuminati (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The Skeptics Society is now the official skeptical organization of the Illuminati.

A UFO greets the Skeptics Society at Clow UFO Base.

First Lady Melania Trump announced the decision during a press conference at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  She explained that since evicting the Center for Inquiry, and Skepchick, from all Illuminati controlled bases, a “debunking gap” has formed.

“The illegal New World Order advertise that they have the best debunkers working for them.  That is an alternative fact!  Our alliance with the Skeptics Society means that we not only have the best UFO debunkers in the world, we also have the best gas lighters, period.  Illuminati bases are now the only rational choice for any visitors to the best planet in the universe.”

Mrs. Trump then introduced the Skeptics Society Executive Director Michael Shermer.  She praised his efforts to “subtlety” encourage atheists to support President Donald Trump.

“Michael knows that my husband is the key to transitioning from global order to global chaos.  It is natural that he would choose to ally his society with the Illuminati.”

Shermer reached for Mrs. Trump as she approached the table.  Mrs. Trump and her guards glared at him.  Shermer backed away, then addressed the press:

“The human race has been fooled into believing that the New World Order has made the world better.  The mind of the market makes the world better.  I support the Illuminati’s efforts to liberate the world’s markets! Fnord!”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar welcomed Shermer and the new embassy staff members to Clow UFO Base:

“When I need a UFO sighting debunked, I will be happy to only deal with one group of skeptics.  Skepchick staffers were OK, even if I didn’t agree with them.  With CFI, I never knew where they stood.  One minute they were liberal.  The next they were conservative.  You never knew.  With the Skeptics Society, I know I’m dealing with an organization that is committed to the goals of the Illuminati.  Ford!”

Claar then announced the cancellation of the Skeptics Guide to the Universe live recording at Clow.  As the aliens expressed disapproval, Claar explained that he made the decision because the SGU were still loyal to the New World Order.

Next, he introduced two members of the Skepticality Team: Tim Farley, and Derek Colanduno.  Skepticality would be substituting for the SGU because they are the official podcast of the Skeptics Society.

A reporter said, “I think I remember Skepticality.  Will Swoopy be part of the live recording?”

“No,” answered Claar.  “She’s too busy with school work.”

The aliens expressed their disappointment.

“(Expletive Deleted) you!”  Said Colanduno.  “I work hard to produce these episodes!”

Shermer walked backstage as Colanduno calmed down.

Farley, who seemed to be in a better mood, said he was excited about the upcoming recording.  “What’s the harm in supporting the Illuminati?  There is no harm!  It’s great, and I can’t wait to touch the glowing orb.  Fnord!”

Colanduno said it was time to look forward.  “I don’t want to harp on the past. I can’t keep looking in my rear view mirror. Brian Dunning said it best: We have purged the irrational and emotional frauds, and now have a pure skeptical movement that is dedicated to reason and—”  He jumped up from his chair.  “Science!”

Shermer then was tossed back onto the stage and crash-landed on the table.  An alien from Barnard’s Star planet walked out.

“When I say leave me alone, I mean leave me alone!” , said the alien as she walked away.

Shermer stood up.  “Female oversensitivity seems to be a universal problem.”  Shemer laughed, but no one else did.  “Now we will show the funky side of skepticism by inviting George Hrab on stage for a special performance.”

Claar then inquired: “I thought Tim Minchin was going to be the performer?”

Shermer replied: “He insisted on playing the Pope Song in front of Melania.  So I had to send him home.”

Claar: “Good choice.  I think we’ve had enough free speech here for one day.”

Some Cavalcade of Planes visitors got a surprise UFO ride (Fiction)

By Reporter X

About 40 visitors to the Cavalcade of Planes at Clow Airport got a surprise ride aboard a UFO.

“I was just waiting in line when I noticed that my family started floating,” said Tim, who asked that we not use his last name.  “The odd part is that no one else seemed to notice.”

According to all guests interviewed, visitors were taken to an observation deck and greeted by Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  Claar told them that they were randomly selected to receive a free UFO ride.  He also told them their tickets to the Cavalcade would be refunded, and they could go on the other rides for free.

Beth, who asked that we not use her last name, was pleased with the announcement:  “I thought we were going to be probed, but instead, we met a very kind mayor.  I’m sorry I ever doubted the Babbler.  Your village is awesome!”

The guests say their UFO ride started with an aerial tour of Bolingbrook, followed by a quick trip to Chicago, where they flew circles around Willis Tower.

Tim said: “The alien’s cloaking technology is amazing.  We got so close that we could look inside the windows.  The offices were closed, so it was OK!  We weren’t spying.”

The craft then flew to the Moon and gave the visitor a few of its far side.

“I used to call it the dark side of the Moon,” said Beth. “But now I know it isn’t always dark.  It looks so different from this angle.  I didn’t know there were alien bases and mother ships back there!”

The craft descended towards the Moon and hovered a few inches over the surface.  The crew then collected samples of moon dust and gave each guest a small bag.

Tim stated: “Roger said the moon dust was also free.  It was such a generous gift!  I’m going to put it on my bookshelf!”

The craft next returned to Clow, parked in a secret hanger.  As they left, the guests met the crew.

“They appeared kind of gross,” said Beth.  “But they were smart and generous.  So I can’t complain.”

The guests walked by tables with souvenirs. There were also credit card machines that allowed the guests to make a donation to Claar’s campaign fund.

“I’m sure this cost him a fortune,” said Tim.   “I figured I should at least give him my life’s savings.  Who needs a house when you’ve seen the far side of the moon?”

Charles, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, denied that the rides were a fundraising event for Claar:

“Roger put a lot of work into organizing this.  Yes, the craft was free, but Roger loves Bolingbrook, and the best way to love Roger back is to donate to his campaign fund.”

When reached for comment, a person at Claar’s home said he was busy.  In the background, a man who sounded like Claar cleared his throat:

“You know I put a lot of work into welcoming your business to Bolingbrook, and I do have to fight off a political party that wouldn’t work as hard for you?  Why yes, I do have a campaign fund.  What?  You’d rather donate to a Bolingbrook Super PAC?  Well you know I can’t coordinate with a Super PAC so—  You’re fine with that?  What if I need to buy gas for my car?  Use my salary?”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens offer moment of silence for victims of London attacks
Bolingbrook warns residents about bored teenager syndrome
Phantom Press attacks Freethought Blogs
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/7/17

Web Exclusive: Alien drops coal plant in front of Bolingbrook Village Hall (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook authorities are looking for an alien who dropped a miniature coal plant in front of Village Hall.  A note, left by the alien, said it was in protest of President Donald Trump withdrawing the US from the Paris Climate Agreement:

“Mayor Roger Claar must have a CO2 fetish because he worked so hard to get Donald Trump elected.  If Roger desires CO2 so much that he is willing to destabilize Earth’s climate and threaten human civilization, then may he please accept my gift.”

The alien dropped the six-foot tall coal plant around midnight, then fled in a cloaked UFO.  The plant automatically started burning coal.  The Men in Blue successfully shut down the plant before it could alter Bolingbrook’s carbon footprint.

“Bolingbrook is building a reputation as Naperville south,”  said an official who asked to remain anonymous.  “Coal Plants would harm that reputation, which why we had to shut down the plant.”

Other sources confirm that the plant was moved away from Village Hall before residents could notice it.  They also confirmed that Illuminati clerics are examining the plant to determine its origin.

Claar could not be reached for comment.