Three weredeer and a wereskunk arrested following an incident at Regal Bolingbrook Stadium 12 (Fiction)

Content notice: This post deals with the Justice Brett Kavanaugh.  If you are dealing with issues related to sexual assault, you may wish to visit RAINN.

File photo of a weredeer.

An alleged fight between several wereskunks and weredeer last Friday ended in the evacuation of Regal Bolingbrook Stadium theaters.  The Department of Paranormal Affairs arrested three weredeer, and a wereskunk after the incident and released the other creatures.

Most eyewitnesses agree that someone pulled a fire alarm, and staff members evacuated the theater.  Many attendees say they say they saw nothing unusual during the evacuation. Staff members who spoke anonymously said they were instructed not to look at security monitors, or to use the rear entrances.  

Two witnesses, however, claim to have seen a brawl between a group of weredeer and a group of wereskunks.

“I was about to fall asleep during Peppermint when the doors by the screen flew open,” said Beth, who did not wish to reveal her last name.  “These tall weredeer staggered into our theater.  They were chanting, ‘We love beer!  We love Kavanaugh!’”

According to Beth and her friend Blake, several wereskunks transformed into their half-human, half-skunk form and approached the weredeer.  

“The weredeer accused the wereskunks of ‘hogging’ women,” said Blake.  “At first I was terrified.  Then one of the weredeer said he was the new Buck of Bolingbrook.  I guess that’s an important leader or something like that.  I don’t know.”

Both Beth and Blake agree that the Buck said he was leading the feral weredeer out of the woods and back into Bolingbrook.  The Buck then actually said that feral weredeer had the first choice of all the women in Bolingbrook.  According to the Buck, the appointment of Kavanaugh meant that the agreement between the feral weredeer and the Bolingbrook Jaycees was void.  The agreement states that weredeer who refuse to abide by human dating and relationship norms should move to the wilderness and only mate with deer.  Weredeer can only produce offspring if they have sex with a human or deer.

“I was so disgusted to hear that weredeer say that if human females didn’t want to mate with weredeer, they shouldn’t be in Bolingbrook,” said Beth.  “I am not a sex object!  I am a person.  They made a bad week even worse.”

“The wereskunks stood up for humanity,” said Blake.  “They said all mating should be consensual.  Maybe skunks aren’t so bad after all.  I just wish they’d leave our garbage alone, or pay for our garbage bins.”

Both witnesses say that after several minutes, someone set off a fire alarm.  Then a wereskunk charged into the room, and all the shapeshifters started fighting each other.  During the brawl, Beth and Blake escaped the theater.  Tactical officers from the Department of Paranormal Affairs.  The officers stormed the theater, while Beth and Blake were taken to a safe location.  They agreed not to tell the mainstream media what happened or post on social media about the incident.

“They haven’t talked to us since then,” said Beth.  “Why should I be surprised?  We can’t hurt the reputation of a very important weredeer, right?  Seriously, I love Bolingbrook, but I hate (expletive deleted) weredeer.”

The Department of Paranormal Affairs released the following statement:  “The US Supreme Court has no jurisdiction over paranormal affairs in Bolingbrook.  The Illuminati does.  The village and the Illuminati will continue to enforce the Jaycee Accords.  Any weredeer found violating the accords will either be escorted out of Bolingbrook or put down.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “It looks so real, Charlene.”

“Yes, and we can make it say whatever we want.”

After some keyboard clicks, a male voice said, “I met Mayor Roger Claar.  He’s right, and his foes are stupid liars!”

Charlene continued:  “It’s the same technology they used to create that fake Obama video.”

“Incredible,” said the man who sounded like Claar.

“Igor says they are working on the way to integrate this imaging technology with their prototype bots.  By 2020, these bots should be able to create their own social media videos.  Imagine bots that can post videos seconds after a major political event.  Oh!  One of them just finished scanning all the posts in Bolingbrook Politics. Let’s see what kind of video it produced.”

A keyboard clicked, and the male voice spoke again:  “Village spending annoys me.  Debt scares me.  Taxes enrage me.  I can do a better job than our current elected officials.  Roger Claar is the best corrupt mayor in the history of Bolingbrook!  Let’s argue!”

“Needs work,” said the man who sounded like Claar.

Also in the Babbler:

Russians hijack the DuPage Township website
Claar confirms that the Interstellar Commonwealth does not owe any taxes
Clow UFO Base no longer requires visitors to buy Trump branded human suits
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/10/18

Web Exclusive: Weredeer and Minnesota Talking Land Squids clash over ‘Bolingbrook United’ yard signs (Fiction)

Knocked over signs

Did weredeer attack these signs? (Photo from Vote Roger Claar Out in 2017.)

The Department of Paranormal Affairs warned that Weredeer and wondering Minnesota Talking Land Squids are currently fighting over yard signs for the Bolingbrook United party.

“All residents should use caution before putting up any political yard signs, especially signs from the Bolingbrook United party,” read the department’s press release.

According to eyewitnesses, feral weredeer are venturing into Bolingbrook and are tearing down yard signs or removing them completely.  Some folks have witnessed Minnesota Talking Land Squids defending the signs.

Paige, who asked that we not use her last name, claimed that she saw a brawl between the two:

“It was terrible!  There are weredeer being suffocated by the squids and weredeer using their claws to slice up the squids.  It all started when one weredeer pulled up a sign.  I’ve never seen such violence before!  Let me tell you, I’m never eating sushi or venison again!”

Doug, who asked that we not use his last name, claimed to have been accosted by a land squid:

“Honestly, I just wanted a closer look at the Bolingbrook United sign.  Because— Anyway, this squid walked up to me.  I was shocked, but maybe I shouldn’t have been because I read the Babbler.  Anyway, it said, ‘Hello sir.  I see we share the same interest in this party of social justice.  I sincerely hope you weren’t planning on touching this wonderful sign. I would feel really bad if every bone in your body was crushed and your eyes ended up on my suckers.  You know what I mean?’  I ran away and called the cops.  They didn’t do anything except tell me not to put up ‘Bolingbrook United’ signs in my yard.”

Stacy claims to have met a weredeer while putting up her signs:

“There was this guy who was wearing shorts, and had his shirt on backwards.  He walked up to me as I finished putting up my sign.  He then started insulting my looks and said I knew I was ugly because I was voting for Bolingbrook United.  You won’t believe how he followed up.  ‘If (Mayor Roger Claar) is re-elected, my fellow weredeer will be allowed back into Bolingbrook.  We’ll even be allowed to use our new PUA techniques on human women.  We can only mate with humans and deer, and we’ve been forbidden form mating with humans for so long.  We can’t wait to replenish our human bloodlines!  If you take down those signs, I will consider mating with you in my warder form, even if I find you ugly!  You do know that I am a nice weredeer, right?’  I just sprayed him with pepper spray and ran back into the house.”

Stacy says the police couldn’t find the alleged weredeer, but did ask her to take her signs “for her protection.”

“I said no!  Take away the weredeer who are harassing the opposition instead!  Don’t take away my freedom to tell the world that Roger needs to be fired!  He’s had decades to get rid of the weredeer, and instead he’s enlisting them to do his dirty work!”

The Weredeer Union of Bolingbrook released the following statement: “Not all weredeer are misogynists who vandalize campaign signs.  A few of us support Bolingbrook United and hope they will represent all residents, and not just campaign donors.”

Bolingbrook United and Bolingbrook First could not be reached for comment.

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “So Mr. Harris, if I let you endorse me, what will you say?”

Mr. Harris: “Roger is a strong but compassionate man who has to deal with a growing Muslim population in his village.  In Israel, the security forces have bulldozed some Muslims’ homes.  It could be that Israel is mean.  It could also be that their homes are too dangerous to keep standing.  If we want to keep Bolingbrook safe, we have to consider destroying all Muslim homes and their mosque in Bolingbrook.  It’s horrific for Westerners to think about, but we have to think about it, but not necessarily do it.  Instead it may be more appropriate to conduct random enhanced interrogations of all Bolingbrook Muslim residents.  Maybe not?  All we can say for sure is that these questions will challenge any thought leader.  The Regressive Left has no leaders or thinkers. Roger is a leader and a thinker.  So I am proud to endorse him for mayor,  If I am correct about him.”

Roger: “Impressive.  Have you ever considered running for office?”