Atheist ‘Mockbuster’ starts filming in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

A proposed online ad for “Mythical Easter,” a movie currently filming in Bolingbrook.

Despite the threat of protests, anonymous sources confirm that the village of Bolingbrook will allow the controversial movie “Mythical Easter” to be filmed in Bolingbrook.

“Mayor Mary (Alexander-Basta) wants to revive Bolingbrook’s economy,” said one of the sources, who wished to remain anonymous.  “She thinks film production is a great way to generate local jobs and to promote Bolingbrook.  We’ll even tolerate protesters as long as they don’t destroy property, and they spend their money at any of Bolingbrook’s fine establishments.”

In the scripts obtained by the Babbler, “Mythical Easter” is the story of a “brave genius atheist scientist” named Richard who discovers that a Christian billionaire is using his technology to send actors into the past to create the “Mythical Jesus.”  The character is possibly based on Richard Carrier, a blogger and academic well known for his arguments against the existence of Jesus Christ and his questionable conduct towards women.

In the script, the billionaire, named David, explains his plan to the scientist, named Chuck:

David: Don’t you understand?  If the world finds out that Jesus never existed, there will be chaos!  Churches will go out of business. Conservatives will stop supporting Israel because there’s no point in trying to bring about the second coming of Christ if He never came to Earth in the first place. The Intellectual Dark Web will rule the world! I can’t let that happen!”

Richard assembles a “crack team” of scientists and mercenaries to defeat’s Chuck army of “mythical terrorists.”  In one scene, Richard orders a scientist to send a scroll back in time:

Larry: Why are you sending this scroll two weeks before the team’s arrival?

David: To let all the single women know when I will be in Jerusalem and what times I will be available!

Larry: Makes sense.

In the climactic scene, Richard and Harriet confront the woman about to perform the role of Mary Magdalene: 

Richard: You cannot deny my reasoning!  Join us, and we will expose the myth of Jesus’ existence once and for all!

Mary Magdalene Actress: Oh Richard!  My faith tells me I must play this role, but my heart is drawn to your superior intellect.  Your young soul makes my old soul feel hot!

Richard: It is perfectly reasonable to desire me.

Harriet: But I want to have sex with you too!  You can’t have sex with both us. Can you?

Richard: To save the enlightenment and Western Civilization, we must have a threesome!  

Mary Actress: Oh Richard! You have a well-endowed intellect!

Some local religious leaders accuse “Mythical Easter” of being a“mockbuster” version of “Black Easter,” a movie about terrorists traveling back in time to kill Jesus.  The director of “Mythical Easter,” Andy Z. Silverman, denies the accusation and claims the movie is not anti-Christian.

“Sure, all my heroes are fearless atheists, and all my villains are fearful Christians.  Yes, my atheist characters survive because they love life, while my Christian characters die because they foolishly believe the afterlife is better. However, that doesn’t make my movies anti-Christian.  A single Christploitation movie does more harm to Christianity than all the pro-atheist films combined!  Go after the production companies that make these boring drama-free Christian movies, and let me film my atheistploitation movie in peace!”

Silverman denied being related to former atheist activist David Silverman and would not confirm rumors that Michael Shermer and Carrier are producers.

Crews will be filming outside the Weathertech and Ulta headquarters.  Spokespersons for both companies refused to confirm if they paid any promotional fees to the production company.

Also in the Babbler:

President Biden visits all three Chicagoland UFO bases
Mayor Alexander-Basta vetos renaming Clow UFO Base ‘Clow UAP Base’
Church sues Bolingbrook after being denied a permit to build a mile-high cross
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/14/21 

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Controversial Atheist Professor Richard Dawkins defects to the Illuminati (Fiction)

 

Richard Dawkins and James Randi

File photo of James Randi (Left) and Richard Dawkins (Right) from TAM 8.

Professor Richard Dawkins announced his defection from the New World Order to the Illuminati at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

Dawkins, who secretly traveled to Bolingbrook for his Illuminati initiation ceremony, explained his decision to the gathered dignitaries:

“The board of the NWO gave me an ultimatum: Stop attacking marginalized people or else.  Can you believe that anyone would give me, Professor Richard Dawkins, an order?  So I made a bad faith tweet about trans people, and the NWO revoked my Humanist of the Year award from 1996.  I told them they had one day to apologize.  They ignored me!  Don’t they know that nobody can ignore me, Professor Richard Dawkins?”

Dawkins also confirmed that his organization, the Center for Inquiry, is now under Illuminati control and purged of all NWO members. New CFI embassies will open at the Illuminati’s UFO bases over the next two years, while CFI will close its embassies at the NWO’s bases.

Ophelia Benson, a feminist blogger known for her transgender exclusionary views, welcomed Dawkins to the Illuminati:  “Nine years ago, the Illuminati forced me to participate in a trivia contest with the fate of Seattle at stake.  At the time, I wasn’t too happy about that.  Boy, have times changed!  Now I’m the 5th Preceptor for the State of Washington—  Which just goes to show that if you hate trans people like I do, I can forgive almost anything you do.  Welcome aboard Richard.”

“Thank you.  I am happy to be a member of a society that values me as much as I value my honey.”

“I wonder if Richard ever offered his honey to J. K. Rowling.”

“Excuse me,” snapped Dawkins.  “Are you making comments during my speech?”

“Sorry.  Old habit.  On my blog, I like to post other people’s works and add my comments.”

Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler and Trustee-elect Troy Doris performed the Illuminati’s Rite of Acceptance for Dawkins.  After the ritual, Lawler and Doris addressed the audience.

Doris stated: “In Bolingbrook, we don’t care if you have a sister.  We don’t care if you’re into transcendental meditation.  We just don’t care.  Why are you giving me that look, Michael?”

Lawler then delivered his remarks:  “I would be remiss if I didn’t mention all the fine trans individuals who work for the Illuminati.  Some of them live in Bolingbrook and are involved with Bolingbrook Pride.  Professor, please understand that you were not brought into the Illuminati to spread transphobia.  You were accepted for your ability to spread anger and chaos around the world.  Please remember that.”

“If I didn’t just ask questions to so-called trans people, would I still be a popular British personality?”

“I think you would be like Daniel Radcliffe.”

“Yes, but—”

“I think I’m needed elsewhere.”

When reached for comment, Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta denied being a member of the Illuminati, or that Dawkins was recently in Bolingbrook. She then said:

“Before you log off, I’d like to run something by you before I present it to (Trustee Michael Carpanzano.)  As you know, Bolingbrook is a diverse community, and corporations now support diversity. So what do you think of this tagline? ‘Bolingbrook: Where your business can stay woke without going broke.’”

Also in the Babbler:

Russians threaten to shoot heat ray at Bolingbrook
Source: Sculptors submitting proposals for a 900-foot statue of former Mayor Roger Claar
Officials at the Department of Paranormal propose loosening restrictions on Wereskunks
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/30/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Link: Anaiise Diaz on sessions from Martin Luther King Jr. (Non-fiction)

Anaiise Diaz, former Social Justice and Legislative Assistant at the American Humanist Association, recently wrote an article for The Humanist called “What Martin Luther King Jr. Taught Me.”

I shed light on Dr. King not because he’s the easiest name to remember when it comes to Black history but because of his humanism. King embodied the image of the non-violent, heavily religious, pro-church individual. But to me, he embodied the rational, non-violent humanist who railed against uncritical ways of thinking.

The Humanist is published by the American Humanist Association.  It isn’t perfect, but it is one of the better atheist/humanistic organizations still out there.

The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2021! (Fiction)

Will Representative Bill Foster save Congress in 2021? (File Photo)

It’s that time of year when the Babbler’s Council of Psychics announces its predictions for the new year.  Normally, they’re extremely accurate, but many readers have pointed out that our psychics didn’t predict the COVID-19 pandemic.

Many psychics didn’t predict the pandemic and are trying to hide behind post hoc rationalizations of their predictions.  Our psychics, however, admit that they didn’t foresee the pandemic.  They are still trying to figure out how they missed something that, to date, has killed nearly 2 million people globally, crashed the global economy, and altered our daily lives.  The council won’t hide behind the fact that pollsters were also off in 2020.  Instead, they apologize for their massive pre-cognition failure and strive to do a better job this year.  

Still, our psychics did correctly predict unrest in the United States, the impeachment and acquittal of President Donald Trump, a disputed Iowa Caucus, Mayor Roger Claar’s retirement, the return of activist Bonnie Kurowski to Bolingbrook’s political scene, and President Trump’s attempt to overturn the 2020 election.

So what do our psychics think will happen in 2021?

1

The Bolingbrook Election Board, consisting of Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta, Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler, and Acting Village Clerk Martha M. Barton, will hold a hearing on disputed nomination petitions for the 2021 municipal election.  Alexander-Basta will ask the village attorney if it is legal for the board to only have members of the First Party for Bolingbrook.  The attorney will reply that under Illinois law, it is legal. 

Alexander-Basta will then say: “Okay!  Let’s cut to the chase!  You’re off the ballot.  You’re off the ballot.  You’re off the ballot.  Every defendant is off the ballot!”

The board will unanimously approve the resolution.  As they start to leave, the lawyer for the First Party for Bolingbrook will ask if they were joking.  Lawler will say no because he wanted to spend time with his grandchildren.  The lawyer will remind the board that their ruling removed all the First Party candidates because there were objections filed against them too.

“Oops,” Lawler will reply.

When Will County Clerk Lauren Staley Ferry hears that she will have to manage an all write-in race for Bolingbrook’s village board, her screams will be heard as far north as Naperville.

2

Thousands of armed militias and QAnon supporters will attack Washington D.C. while a joint session of Congress counts the Electoral College’s votes.  While chanting, “burn the swamp,” they will burn down the White House.  Oddly enough, the White House will be empty and unguarded at the time.

Despite Vice-President Mike Pence’s stalling, both chambers will declare Vice-President Joe Biden and Sen. Kamala Harris the official winners of the 2020 election.  The protesters will surround the Capitol Building and demand Trump be anointed President.  Thanks to quick thinking by Representative Bill Foster and Representative Sean Casten, the legislators are able to tunnel their way to safety.

Foster will say, “I designed the drilling laser.  Sean built it.  That’s why we need scientists in Congress!”

3

A B-2 stealth bomber will crash into Bolingbrook Golf Club’s course.  There will be no civilian casualties, but the course will be unplayable due to radioactive contamination.

It will be revealed that the crew chose to deliberately crash the plane rather than obey Trump’s order to drop a nuclear bomb on Indianapolis.  Trump issued the order in retaliation for Pence failing to overturn the election in Congress.

Trump’s cabinet will finally use the 25th Amendment to remove Trump.

Harris will say, “Better late than never.”

Biden will promise not to hold “this unfortunate incident” against Republicans and will spend time attacking the more liberal members of the Democratic Party.

The Village of Bolingbrook will sell the Golf Club to the Federal Government, which will turn the area into a memorial to “those who fought against the enemies of freedom, both domestic and foreign.”

“See,” Trustee Michael Carpanzano will say, “The village profited from the Golf Club.  Yes, it did take several years and the tragic sacrifice of a brave air crew, but the First Party came through in the end.  That’s why you should never question our decisions!”

4

 Bolingbrook will celebrate the end of COVID-19 restrictions by hosting a Nickelback concert.

“I don’t care if Nickelback is performing,” a resident will say.  “I just want to hear live music!”

5

Former atheist activist David Silverman will move to Bolingbrook and announce his candidacy for Governor of Illinois:

“I fought God and now I’m going to fight Illinois’ corrupt political machine!”

He will, however, spend most of 2021 fighting with his homeowners’ association over placing a billboard on top of his house:

“If religious residents of Bolingbrook are allowed to virtue signal with their churches and mosques, then I should be allowed to (expletive deleted) signal with my billboards!  Free speech is under attack and I’m going to fight back whether you like it or not!  So shut up and give me your money!”

6

To the surprise of many Trumpsters, President Biden will still be alive at the end of his first year in office:

“It’s been a hard year.  The government is still shut down. McConnell’s Senate won’t approve any of my cabinet nominees.  Florida only recognizes Trump as the President, and QAnon complains every time I eat pizza.  But I have faith that our country will pull through these dark times, and some Republicans will come around and work with me.”

Also in the Babbler:

Anti-alien protesters arrested outside of Clow UFO Base
Werecoyotes spotted in Palatine
Weredogs endorse Bolingbrook United’s slate
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/30/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Village of Bolingbrook rejects atheist interactive hologram holiday display (Fiction)

The Village of Bolingbrook rejected the Church of Christopher Hitchens’ display of interactive holograms of atheist leaders to the International Festival of Lights :

“While we recognize that atheists are part of Bolingbrook’s diversity,” said a source with ties to the Civic and Cultural Affairs Commission,  “Their display was in poor taste.  To paraphrase a former village manager, atheists are already represented by the empty space around the village hall.  Adding their offensive display would mean that atheists would be overrepresented.”

David X. Silverton, leader of Bolingbrook’s Church of Christopher Hitchens, strongly disagreed with the decision: “We tried to be sensitive to their feelings.  We didn’t make a hologram of Hitch.  May his words slap the stupid.  This was an opportunity to give residents a much-needed dose of science and reason.  The commission caved into superstition and Trumpism!”

According to various sources, the display rotated interactive holograms of well-known atheist leaders.  It was similar to the display at the Illinois Holocaust Museum where onlookers are able to ask each of the holograms questions. However, some sources claimed that a few holograms actively heckled bystanders.

Mary, who did not want her real name published, described her experience with the Dan Barker hologram:  “We got off to a bad start when it said, ‘Happy Solstice!’ I said it was Christmas and he should get into the spirit of the season.  He laughed, and played this horrible song!  I won’t pray for his soul!  Especially after I left and he yelled, ‘Happy War on Christmas!’”

Steve Z. Gilmore claims he interacted with a hologram of PZ Myers: “I asked if he was going to swallow a package of communion wafers. He said he made his point years ago, and he’s no longer a member of the New Atheists.  Then he said he was just going to show off his new friend, Heidi.  Heidi turned out to be a spider!  I hate spiders.  I screamed and ran away.  PZ yelled, ‘Heidi, the holiday spider, only bites people who don’t wear masks!’”

Lisa, who asked that we not use her real name, found the Taslima Nasreen hologram offensive:  “She said that the Coronavirus was proof there is no God.  I told her I was Muslim and deeply offended.  She said she was offended that I was offended.  I started to educate her on Islam, but you won’t believe what she said.  She said that since she faced death threats, and is banned from Bangladesh and West Bengal, she wasn’t afraid of me boring her.  God is great, and she isn’t!”

 Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta could not be reached for comment. Her receptionist added:

“If this church is real, we might be tempted to fine them if they’re holding indoor services.”

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer, said: “You summoned me, Acting Mayor Mary?”

“That’s Mayor Mary,” replied a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta.

“Not until you’re elected,”

“We’ll deal with that later.  I want to talk to you about your proposed advisory questions.”

“You’re welcome.  I’m glad I was able to fulfill my contractual obligation to the First Party by giving you 20 years worth of advisory questions.  That should keep garbage toters off the ballot until at least 2041.”

“But some of these questions are outrageous!  Your ‘Fund the Police’ question not only bans cuts to the Bolingbrook Police Department, it requires the village to increase the department’s funding every year.  That means the police budget would bankrupt the village in five years.”

“Don’t worry about that Acting Mayor—”

“Mayor!”

“Whatever.  You don’t really think the point of these questions is to seek to advise from the voters, do you?  These questions are designed to motivate your supporters to go to the polls.  Think about it: Do you really think Republicans put advisory questions on the ballot about splitting Chicago from Illinois because they want to turn Illinois into Mississippi North?”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah.  In fact, I think you screwed up when you added the cannabis question to the ballot.  That’s going to motivate more of Bolingbrook United’s supporters to go to the polls.”

“Please.  This is why I’m so glad you’re no longer working for us.  You might be full of yourself now, but you’re in for a rude awakening when The First Party sweeps the election, and shames (Trustee Sheldon Watts) into resigning.”

“No, You’ll be in for a rude awakening, when Bolingbrook Independent Voices sweeps the election.  You’ll end up covered in eagle droppings, and finishing in third place behind Jackie Traynere!”

“Get out before I put you in a time out!”

Also in the Babbler:

Chicagoland UFO Bases take an extended holiday as COVID-19 devours Illinois
Zombie turkey ruins Bolingbrook family’s Thanksgiving
Interstellar diplomat claims COVID-19 originated in Naperville
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/3/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Miraculous image of Ed Brayton appears in front of the Church of Christopher Hitchens (Fiction)

Did anti-psychic energy create this image of blogger Ed Brayton?

Bolingbrook atheists claim that an image of atheist blogger Ed Brayton miraculously appeared in a parking spot in front of the Church of Christopher Hitchens.

“This image is a testament to the power of disbelief and social justice,” said Lynda Z. Ackman, a long time member of the church.  “First, Bolingbrook hosted two Black Lives Matter events.  Second, Mayor Roger Claar stepped down, and was replaced by a woman!  This is the third sign.  It means a new age of social justice is coming to Bolingbrook.  One-party rule will end, and Bolingbrook will be united at last!”

File photo of Ed Brayton.

Brayton, who co-founded the Freethought Blogs network with PZ Myers, recently announced that he will be entering hospice care due to various health issues.  He built his blogging career chronicling the religious right’s attempts to undermine the separation of church and state, as well as speaking out against conservatism.  He also claims to be the only person to have made fun of Chuck Norris on CSPAN and survive.

David X. Silverton, leader of the CCH, denies the image is a fake:  “All I’m saying is I didn’t paint that image after hearing about Ed’s situation.  I will say that the image was not painted to draw more people to our outdoor services, and we are enforcing social distancing.  We don’t want to endanger Bolingbrook’s economic recovery with reckless gatherings, unlike certain other religious institutions in our great village.”

Silverton added that the image appearance has inspired the church to place a display featuring atheist writers, like Brayton and Hitchens, next to the village’s annual nativity scene.

“Bolingbrook is a diverse community, and what better way to honor its approximately 19,000 atheists than to have a display honoring Ed?  If they refuse, we’ll sue them.  I’m sure Ed would approve of that.”

One anonymous member of the church had her doubts: “I think a well-meaning person painted this.  Extraordinary claims do require extraordinary evidence after all.”

Brayton said he wasn’t dead yet, and hung up on this reporter.

A receptionist for Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said she was out of the office:

“I never thought (Former Mayor Roger Claar) would retire.  I thought he would die at this desk and haunt Village Hall.  Well, maybe his political action committee will allow his presence to still be felt here.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts said: “A trustee-mayor is an unholy abomination!  Will you step out of your office and let me show you the light?”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said: “Cut!  Great job!  This is going to be a big hit in Bolingbrook Politics!”

Also in the Babbler:

Village approves UFO displaying pro-Biden ads
Weredeer to field candidate for Bolingbrook Mayor
Trump signs executive order to move the Bolingbrook Golf Club to Rosemont
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/12/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Essence of Thought on the Anti-Theism International Convention (Non-fiction)

Essence of Thought has a new video out about next year’s Anti-Theism International Convention. EOT’s video is titled “A Decade Later And The Secular Community Still Has A Predator Problem.”

So for those of you unaware, the Anti-Theism International Convention 2020 is an event that will be taking place in the UK, to which accused sexual harasser and decade long Jeffrey Epstein apologist Lawrence Krauss is a key speaker. [2] Now if that isn’t enough red flags for you, one of the key organisers is also John Richards, the Publications Director of Atheist Alliance International.

Full disclosure, until recently I used to work under John Richards as part of the Atheist Alliance International team. Myself and Udita had been brought on by a close friend in an effort to try and curtail the adoption of far-right fear-mongering into the secular community. However we resigned when AAI went ahead and created a new position to install David Silverman, another figure with multiple sexual harassment claims against him. [3]

I agree with the message of this video.  No organization, no matter anti-theist it may be, is not immune from its leaders abusing power, or from sexual predators.  There still need to be protections in place, not just for attendees at events, but in the governing structure of groups as well.  From what I’ve read, there seems to be very few, if any, protections.

I have helped organize secular events, and we’ve tried to make them as welcoming as possible.  It’s not easy, and we made mistakes, but we put in the effort because it would benefit both the attendees and the organization in the long run. It isn’t “mission drift,” and I hope the organizers learn that lesson.  I have my doubts, though.

‘We celebrate Christmas in Bolingbrook!’: Mayor Claar sparks protests after changing Clow UFO Base’s holiday concert to a Christmas concert (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar enraged many attendees of the Clow UFO Base Holiday Concert by insisting that only Christmas music be played.

“We celebrate Christmas in Bolingbrook!” said Claar.  “We call it Christmas in Bolingbrook, and we don’t use this holiday nonsense!  So, I’m through being politically correct!  I’m changing this to a Christmas concert. If that triggers you, too bad!”

The announcement was followed by over five minutes of booing, objects thrown on stage, and three aliens projectile vomiting in Claar’s direction.

Claar was not moved: “Your rage only strengthens my resolve!”

Clow authorities ended up arresting 300 attendees, treating 179 for injuries, and issuing fines totaling over a billion interstellar credits. Officials compared the mayhem at this concert to the 1994 Industrial Holiday Concert headlined by My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult and Genitorturers.

“In 1994, Roger could blame his planning staff for that disaster,” said one official who asked not to be identified.  “This time it’s all on Roger.  I don’t know why he felt the need to change the theme at the last minute.”

Another anonymous official blames Fox News: “Roger’s been watching a lot of Fox News lately.  I heard him claiming that liberals have started a war on Thanksgiving. Then he said he needed to save Christmas from his ‘foes.’  Just between you and me, things have been getting out of hand around here since the impeachment hearings started.”

While most of the performers honored the Christmas music-only theme, a few of them rebelled.  Members of Blue Star, a band from the Interstellar Tribes of Israel, walked on stage wearing Blue Santa outfits.  The lead singer told the audience: “We heard that on your planet, the Hebrew word for Christmas is Hanukah.  They also celebrate it over eight nights.  So let’s get into the holiday spirit!”

The band then started playing “Hava Nagila.”  Claar then ordered band members arrested for disorderly conduct.

“You know damn well that song has nothing to do with Christmas or the birth of Christ,” Claar said over the public address system.

“Even I know Christmas had nothing to do with your false prophet!” countered the lead singer.  

As the band members were dragged off stage, the drummer yelled in Hebrew: “Move to the Promised Worlds! All the Milk and Honey you can eat.  None of the occupied territories!”

The publicist for the band explained that the drummer meant that planets settled by the Lost Tribes of Israel were never home to civilizations or intelligent beings.   

Later in the show, a man in a fireproof suit ran on stage and poured a liquid on himself.

“The only holiday worth celebrating is HumanLight!” he yelled before setting himself on fire.  

Security doused the flames and arrested the man.  They pulled off his head covering and revealed him to be Atheist activist David Silverman.

“Support Atheist Alliance International!” he yelled.  “I need the money!”

As he was dragged away, Silverman repeatedly yelled the word “Red!”

“That’s not the safe word,” replied Claar.

Near the end of the show, Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz walked on stage holding a metal pole. He stated:

“I have a grievance.  Once a month I have to deal with a man who thinks he’s better than a king and thinks anyone who opposes him is not a real resident.”

“Get to the Christmas part or get off the stage,” snapped Claar.

“Okay, Roger.  Friends, for those of us who celebrate Christmas, it’s a time when we wish for world peace and for everyone to just get along.  So, in that spirit, I’d like to invite two people on to the stage.”

Representative Bill Foster and his primary challenger, Will County Board member Rachel Ventura, walked on to the stage.  Foster then stared at a teleprompter.

“Gee Rachel,” said Foster, who didn’t look at Ventura and had no emotion in his voice.  “We’ve been fighting for all these months.  In the spirit of Christmas, let’s try to be nice to each other.”

Ventura frowned: “I’m only reading this because it will help me unite the Democratic party after I send you into retirement.  ‘Gee Bill, you’re right.  Let’s enjoy the evergreen trees and make a new deal.’  Bob!  Tell me you didn’t write this.  Right?”

Jaskiewicz laughed:  “Now we’re going to sing a song.  But we’re going to need some help and she’s coming on stage right now.”

Yoko Ono walked on stage and waved.  Many aliens stopped fighting with security and cheered.  Ono, along with Jaskiewicz, Foster, and Ventura, started singing “Happy Xmas (War is over.)”  Soon the entire audience started singing along.

Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler stumbled onto the stage and joined the singing.  Trustee Mary Basta then ran up to Lawler and started singing.  A hologram of Claar appeared on the stage and motioned for them to get off the stage.

After the song, Ono thanked the audience: “I want to end all wars in the galaxy.  Do you?”

The aliens cheered.  Ono then started singing her current interstellar hit song, “Ack!”  

Claar covered his ears and complained to his guest in his skybox about aliens’ taste in Earth music.

Also in the Babbler:

Alyssia Benford spotted measuring Mayor Claar’s office
Ten-Thousand-year-old cat revived then wants to be outside
Mayor Claar threatens to arrest Toter marchers
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/6/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group

Web exclusive: Militant atheist David Silverman to run for Mayor of Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Sources tell the Babbler that former American Atheist president David Silverman will run for Bolingbrook mayor in 2021.

A possible web ad for David Silverman’s Mayoral campaign.

“He’s already forgiven himself for what happened in the past,” said one source.  “Now is the time to settle the lawsuits and move on.  Being Bolingbrook’s first openly atheist mayor will give  him the platform he deserves.”

According to the sources, Silverman will move to Bolingbrook in the spring of 2020.  Once he is established as a resident of Bolingbrook, he will then take over the Bolingbrook First Party from DuPage Township Trustee Maripat Oliver.

“Maripat ran a nice campaign,” said Jill, a volunteer for Bolingbrook First.  “But nice doesn’t beat (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar).”

According to Jill, Silverman plans to use his ties to rich atheists to rapidly raise funds for his campaign, and to recruit a slate of trustee candidates for Bolingbrook First.

Ben, a Bolingbrook resident and former member of American Atheists, believes Silverman has the “flexibility” to beat BClaar and Bolingbrook United’s mayoral candidate:

“Just look at his career.  He can go from being a guest on Fox News to being a guest at FtBCon to being a guest on Sargon of Akkad’s show.  He can go from liberal to conservative and back with ease.  He can say something to earn the support of every resident!”

Jill says Silverman’s campaign strategy will also focus on the tax-exempt status of religious organizations in Bolingbrook:

“He may live in Washington State, but he knows that everyone in Bolingbrook hates state and local taxes.  He also knows that residents hate it when people we don’t like get tax breaks.  He’s going to use that to his advantage.  He’ll get Christians worked up over Bolingbrook’s tax-free mosques.  Then he’ll get Muslims worked up over all the money-sucking Christian churches Bolingbrook has.  Residents will be so worked up, they won’t question his atheism.  Then once he’s elected, Illinois will have enacted a progressive income tax, and that will take care of most of Bolingbrook’s money problems.  He’ll lower property taxes a bit, and he’ll easily win reelection.  He’ll be untouchable!  Did I say that out loud?”

Ben also mentions that Silverman plans to use lots of billboards to get his message out:  “Roger’s people can take down signs, but they can’t take down a billboard!”

A volunteer for Silverman denied that he was planning to move to Bolingbrook.  He also added that Silverman was conducting an important interview, and couldn’t be disturbed.

In the background, a woman said: “Given the serious allegations against you, and your long history of litigation, why should we hire you?”

“Because I need money and you need publicity,” said a man who sounded like Silverman.

“Since no one else wants this job, you’re hired.”

When called, Claar answered the phone and said, “Rudy, I don’t have a UFO Base.  You can’t ask me for asylum because I can’t give it to you.  Oh, and don’t even think about moving to Bolingbrook.  My village is only big enough for one mayor.”

He then hung up the phone.

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.