‘Tour with the Mayor 2: Roger Rising’ filming in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Eight years after the release of the Tour with the Mayor, filming has started on the sequel.

“The first movie was good,” said Lee X. Williams, director, and an employee at Barber’s Corner Media.  “But it had some problems.  Sometimes it felt like (Mayor Roger Claar) was promoting a magazine.  Other times it felt like Roger was promoting Bolingbrook.  I still don’t understand why a boxer accompanied Roger.  This time we’re tightening the focus.  This film is going to be laser-focused on Roger talking about his pure vision for Bolingbrook.”

According to Williams, the film will feature Claar visiting several local businesses, including WeatherTech and Ulta.  Williams promises “glowing” interviews from residents and business owners on why they love Bolingbrook:

“As we’ve been doing these interviews, I’ve noticed some common themes:  Diversity, Friendly Business Environment, and love of Roger.  We hope we can highlight them to our audience.”

According to a source within Barber’s Corner Media, there have been hecklers at some of the interviews:

“I’m sure Bolingbrook United is behind some of them….because all real residents love Roger!”

The source provided footage of some of the incidents.

In the first video, Claar is confronted in front of Masjid Al-Jumu’ah.

Man:  Excuse me, Mr. Mayor, but how would you feel if I said we should ban all Christians from the US?

Claar:  I know what you’re trying to do, and it won’t work.  Hillary Clinton had ethical problems too.  At least Trump promised to shake things up, and he has.  I got what I voted for!

Man:  But if Trump’s immigration policies had been enacted, Bolingbrook would have never become the diverse community it is today.

Claar:  Maybe.  Maybe not.  It doesn’t matter.  I saw you standing two blocks from a Bolingbrook United member.  That means you are not a resident.  You are a foe, and right now I don’t have time for foes.  (Claar turns towards the camera.) You are editing this out, right?

Williams: Yes.

In the second video, a woman interrupts an interview taking place at Ikea.

Woman:  Excuse me, Roger.

Claar:  I’m busy.

Woman:  This will only take a second.  Whenever I visit my friends, I have to admire their garbage cans on wheels.

Claar:  They’re called Toters.

Woman:  I love them.  You don’t have to look at unsightly bags in the morning.  If they’re ripped, the toters offer a layer of protection.  What’s not to love?

Claar:  They’re unsightly, cost money, and you can save the village money by keeping your garbage in the garage, and not putting the bags out until the morning.  That will keep the skunks away.

Woman:  What about the stray dogs, stray cats, coyotes, mice, rats, and moles?  A garbage toter offers more protection than a simple bag.

Claar:  Just because Democrat cities use them, doesn’t mean we have to change 25 years of garbage policy!

Woman:  Warrenville and Rochelle use totes, and they’re not run by Democrats.  I can buy my own, right?

Claar:  No.  They’re still unsightly.  If we are forced to change the law, I will make sure that you have to keep them in the backyard.  I hope they don’t force me to allow toters because I don’t want to subsidize garbage cans.

Woman:  You subsidize a luxury golf course, and you don’t want to subsidize an awesome garbage solution?  Besides, who are you to tell me what to do on my own property?

Claar:  I’m the Mayor of Bolingbrook, and you’re not a resident.  Only my foes care about garbage!

Woman:  Bonnie was right!  You are a communist fascist!

Claar:  You’re out of this video!

Williams says Tour with the Mayor 2: Roger Rising will debut on YouTube sometime in 2018.

When reached for comment, the receptionist said the mayor was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said:  “Sheldon told me God wants him to be a trustee right now.  What do you think?

A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz said:  “That depends.  Do you really want God telling you how to run Bolingbrook?”

“You just had to phrase it that way.”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar rejects ‘soda rebate’
Chicago ghosts to march against gun violence this weekend
Claar forms secret committee to prepare Bolingbrook for a hurricane strike
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/20/17

Web Exclusive: Psychic frightened by vision of Bolingbrook in 2065 (Fiction)

Long time Bolingbrook psychic Mona was so frightened after her vision of the future, that her screams prompted neighbors to call the police.

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

“The future is doomed!  Bolingbrook is doomed!  We are doomed!” – Mona said, according to residents.

Officers managed to calm her down and did not arrest her.

Afterwards, Mona spoke and  provided a transcript of her vision to the Babbler.  She claims her vision was from a Village Board Meeting in the year 2065:

A priest, holding a water bottle, enters the board room.  The all male audience members stand.

Priest:  Let us praise our Mayor in Heaven

Audience (Raise their hands):  For he built our infrastructure, banished the flood waters, purged the warlords, guided our ancestors through the great chaos, then ascended to Heaven.  He has always has been and always will be our mayor.

Priest:  Be seated.

The audience sits down.

Priest: Before ascending to Heaven, our Mayor in Heaven appointed the Keepers of the Water to be his voice on Earth.  Every four years, our Mayor in Heaven selects a Vice-mayor to administer his Earthy affairs.  Today, Our Mayor in Heaven has selected George Brown to be his Vice-mayor.  Come forth, Mr. Brown.

Mr. Brown steps forward, and the priest puts a golden mask on him.  The mask vaguely resembles current Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.

Priest:  You will now be known as the Vice-Mayor.

Brown:  I serve at the pleasure of our Mayor in Heaven.

Brown sits in a chair next to a large chair that hasn’t been used for decades.  

Brown:  My trustees will take their seats.

Five men wearing black robes walk on stage and go to their seats.

Brown:  By serving as my trustees, you agree to accept a vow of silence for the next four years.  Any who speak during the next four years will be known as a Jask.

Audience:  The Jask was the servant of the she-devils who tried to dethrone Our Mayor in Heaven.  The she-devils fooled the residents into voting for them.  Voting is evil.  Women are evil.  Evil is not allowed in Village Hall.

The trustees take their seats.

Brown: Some residents bought illegal trash toters to collect rainwater.  This has angered our Mayor in Heaven.  He has denied us — has denied us rain.   He has taken water from our wells.  He has turned our lawns brown as punishment.  So I turn to the Keepers for guidance. What must we do to regain Our Mayor In Heaven’s love?

Priest:  The She-devils’ minions want us to believe in global warming.  They lie to us about Bolingbrook becoming a desert.  We must resist their lies.  The demons are hoarding Lake Michigan water.  Our Mayor in Heaven has told me of a clear path to salvation.  First, we must launch another crusade to liberate Lake Michigan’s water from the demons.  Then we must expand the Golf Club to show Him that we still love him.

Audience:  We will fight!

A woman runs towards a podium.

Woman:  Lies!  All lies.  There never was a Mayor in Heaven.  Bolingbrook had more than one mayor in its past!

Priest:  Wicked liar.  Donate to the Holy Campaign fund, and I may absolve you of your sins.

Woman:  The last elected mayor was Roger C. Claar.  He led us into the great chaos by supporting President Donald Trump.  There were never any Keepers of the Water.  There was an organization called Heart Haven Outreach, and it was founded by a woman!

Audience gasps.

Brown:  You’re are in denial of the truth.  It requires more faith to believe that Bolingbrook was founded by mortals than to believe in our Mayor in Heaven.  It is also insanity to think that a woman could have founded our faith.

Security guards approached the woman.

Woman:  It is true.  We must embrace real truth again if we are to survive the great drought.  Join the resistance!  Let us become a United Bolingbrook once again!  Science forever, not religion!

The woman runs out to the boardroom.  Guards follow.

Priest:  Our raiders will catch her, and purify her in the bathtub of faith.  May she no longer be at risk of becoming a she-devil.  Let us now have a moment of silence, for the millions who died for the chaos frog.

Mona said that her vision did not have to become reality:  “If we want to see another mayoral election, we have to get rid of Trump.  Roger is a good man, but I don’t want a future where residents are forced to worship him!”

When this reporter called Village Hall for a comment, a receptionist replied that Claar was busy interviewing an intern and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Charline, you are a very unusual woman, but you have your uses.  Now I can’t offer you a job here, but Barber’s Corner Media has a job waiting for you.”

“Cool!  Thank you, Roger.”

“You’re welcome.  Once you’ve been hired, I will provide you with assignments.  You’ll be our unofficial spokesperson.  I hope you don’t mind dealing with the Babbler every week day.”

“Not at all.  Thank you.  How did you persuade Barber’s Corner Media to hire me?”

“Back in the 90s, the firm’s owner recorded a song about my favorite street.  You can stream it on your phone.”

“Let me listen.  Oh my God!  It’s obscene!”

“Yes, that was my initial reaction.  When I confronted him, he apologized and offered to help me any way he could.  That song turned into a birthday party with infinite gifts!”

From the Webmaster: Maybe Milo and skepticism shouldn’t mix?

By Wendy Onofrey

Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

For some reason, Skeptic decided to post a review of Milo Yiannopoulos’s new book Dangerous.  Let’s just say that if Michael Shermer’s Moral Arc bends towards Milo, then count the staff of the Babbler out.

PZ Myers rightly condemns this favorable review.

Of course, this ‘review’ cites all the usual crap: Christina Hoff Sommers, there is no such thing as rape culture, except that when there is it comes from Islam, the police are the greatest defenders of the black community, and of course, political correctness, identity politics, and cultural Marxism. It’s a totally mindless recitation of the nonsense you get on Reddit and in YouTube comments.

Even Hayley Stevens has problems with the review and what its publication says about the skeptical movement.

Something like skepticism, as an approach to assessing claims and being proactive about tackling harmful misinformation, should be as free from ideologies as possible, and yet certain sections of organized skepticism (read: American, male, rich, and famous) seem to specifically target feminists, “identity politics” and some areas of the LGBTQ community – namely trans* people while writing fond reviews of problematic public figures such as Milo.

When Hayley and PZ agree, that’s a sign that maybe you’re doing something wrong.

To add insult to injury, Phil Torres writes for Salon about what he sees as the descent of New Atheism.

Although the new atheist movement once filled me with a great sense of optimism about the future of humanity, this is no longer the case. Movements always rise and fall — they have a life cycle, of sorts — but the fall of this movement has been especially poignant for me. The new atheists of today would rather complain about “trigger warnings” in classrooms than eliminate rape on campuses. They’d rather whine about “safe spaces” than help transgender people feel accepted by society. They loudly claim to support free speech and yet routinely ban dissenters from social media, blogs and websites.

All in all, it hasn’t been a good week for New Atheism.

Time for me to back to work on the next issue of the Babbler.  The staff on a big story that I plan on posting on Monday or Tuesday.

Reza Aslan filmed the lost “Flying Spaghetti Monster” episode in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Flying Spaghetti Monster

Is Bolingbrook a holy village for some followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster?

Eyewitnesses, and a recovered transcript, confirm that Reza Aslan filmed an episode of Believer in Bolingbrook about the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

“I know we have a lot of churches here,” said eyewitness Blake Q. Sampson, “But I never thought of Bolingbrook as a spiritual place.  He said it is, and how can I argue with him?”

Other eyewitness saw him walking around the Promenade, being recorded eating various pasta dishes.

Anwar, who asked that we not use his last name, overheard one of the taping sessions.  “I was going to say hi to him after the taping.  Then when the camera started rolling, he said, ‘I had to be open minded to the possibility that the universe was created by a drunk deity.’  When he put a pasta colander on his head, I quietly walked away.”

Other eyewitnesses claim to have seen Aslan on one of the islands of Whalon Lake, meditating while wearing a pirate outfit.

Officially, the Flying Spaghetti Monster started in 2005 as satirical character meant to criticize creationism.  It has since become a quasi-religion that is recognized in the Netherlands and New Zealand. Most followers do not believe in a literal Flying Spaghetti, but enjoy following Pastafarian customs.  Bolingbrook is not mentioned on the official web page, and has no special significance among mainstream followers.

However, sources say there is a splinter sect that believes Bolingbrook is a holy site, Jacob, who claims to have worked on Believer, said that this sect is the reason Aslan came to Bolingbrook.

“You know we can’t do an episode without a feature on an obscure religious faction,” he said.

Jacob provided a partial transcript, which describes a dramatic confrontation:

Voiceover: Mockery!  Parody!  Contempt!  Is this the future promised by the anti-theists?  I was starting to feel hopeless.

(Aslan reading an e-mail.)

Voiceover:  Then I received a message.  Was what I was searching for to be found in Illinois?

(Shots of Bolingbrook, IL)

VoiceoverBolingbrook.  A village of over 70,000 people.  The contradiction already appealed to me.  Sam X. Clarence’s e-mail said that his sect believed that this is a holy village.  I had to find out.  I met Sam outside the Church of Christopher Hitchens, a combination bar and atheist community center in Bolingbrook).

Clarence (wearing a pirate outfit):  Arrr!

Aslan:  You really take this seriously!

Clarence:  You will too, once I reveal the truth!  Come inside.

Voiceover:  As I walked toward the bar, I felt a malevolent presence touch my soul.  It seemed to affect all the patrons as well.

(Shots of patrons glaring at Aslan.)

Patron:  Waitress?  Can you put some bacon fat in my beer?  And can you give me a pen so I can draw a picture of Muhammad?

(They sit at a table.)

Aslan:  So you believe that the church’s teachings are incorrect?

Clarence:  I know they are!  I’ll tell you the story.  In 1976, a Chicago Tribune journalist visited Bolingbrook.  He called his wife to say he loved her, then vanished.  Never to be seen again.  I found his last message.

(Clarence places laminated papers on the table)

Clarence:  It’s remarkably similar to The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and the Loose Cannon.  It was written in 1976.  1976!  That proves the Flying Spaghetti Monster is real!

Aslan:  You also said that there are differences between what is in this document, and what is taught in mainline Pastafarianism.

Clarence:  Yes.Yes!  You see, in this work, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is a god-like creature, not God!  Evolution is real!  The Earth really is billions of years old!  Do you know who she really is?

Aslan:  She?

Clarence:  She is the first atheist in the universe.  She is a transcendent being.  Atheism opened the gateway to higher dimensions!  Do you know what this means?

Aslan:  No?

Clarence:  Atheism is more than the mere lack of belief in gods!

(A tray crashes on the floor.  Both turn.  A waitress is staring at them.  Her eyes widen as she points at them.)

WaitressAtheism Plus!

(Angry patrons stand and glare at them.)

Crew member:  Save the equipment!

(Cut to outside the bar.)

Manager:  Don’t you ever bring your heresy in here again.  Get your act together or you will spend an eternity drinking stale beer from the beer volcano and your strippers will have STDs!  The New Pastament: An Announcement Regarding the Afterlife!

Clarence:  You mention the strippers.  In Blag Hag

Manager:  How dare you quote the Blag Hag at me?

Clarence:  What?  You honestly believe that a college student created Boobquake by herself?  That miraculous event proved that she was touched by her noodly appendages—

Manager:  His noodly appendages!

Clarence:  Her noodly appendages!

Manage:  His!

Clarence:  Hers!

(They keep repeating.)

Voiceover:  As they argued doctrine,  I felt a new presence overcome me.  Could it be that out of the hate and mockery promoted by New Atheism, a new theism arose?  The thought moved me so much that it brought me, a devout muslim to say—

Aslan:  Ramen!

(The crowd stops arguing and silently stares at Aslan.)

Though the episode is complete, Jacob says it will not be aired.

“We later found out that there are only five members of this sect.  We were kind of pushing it when we featured the independent sects of Scientology.  There was no way we could broadcast this episode without being laughed at.”

Jacob is hopeful that some parts of the episode will be available in the future.  “Next season, we’re doing a show on humanism.  We’re going to argue that religious humanism is the wave of the future.  Who knows? We might come back to film services at the Ethical Humanist Society, Beth Chaverim, and Kol Hadash.”

Also in the Babbler:

Jared Kushner will meet with Mayor Claar ‘the day after peace comes to the Middle East’
Northern Will County Agency considers bringing Lake Superior water to Bolingbrook
Aliens divert astroid from hitting Chicago
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/14/17

We get letters: March 21, 2017 edition (Fiction)

By Doug Fields

The Reader’s Editor

Hello, and let me introduce myself to our new fans at FreethoughtBlogs.  I’m Doug Fields, the Reader’s Editor for the Bolingbrook Babbler.  My job is to read your letters to the Babbler, and offer my editorial feedback.

Since we moved the website to FtB back in January, most of the letters we’ve received have been positive. For example, this one:

To the Editor:

I love the new blog network you guys joined.  I thought it was going to boring atheists.  Instead, you’re on a network with Yemisi Ilesanmi, a real Nigerian!  I’m pretty sure Pervert Justice is a public service site!  Odgraphix must be a decoding site.  I can’t wait to read the anti-squirrel blog!  Not to mention Thoughts of Crys, which must be an atheist psychic blog!  The only boring blog is by PZ Myers.  He must be the least popular blogger here.  He needs to stop obsessing over shellfish and creationists!

Keep up the good work, and keep those other bloggers on their toes with your quality reporting!

Pauline X. Melvin
Bolingbrook, IL

Glad you like our fellow writers, though none of us here would call PZ boring.

Since it is election season, we’ve gotten our share of political posts, like this one:

To the Editor:

Your pro-Bolingbrook United bias is incredible!  Who pays you to write these articles?  George Soros?

Do you know that not all of Jackie Traynere’s s donors are from Bolingbrook?  Some of them are from Cook County!  Some of them are from unions! She’s even held campaign events outside of Bolingbrook.  Plus she’s a Democrat! We all know what kind of Democrats come out of Cook County!  One of their prominent leaders has even spoken at her events!

I want to vote for a candidate who only campaigns in Bolingbrook, only accepts donations from Bolingbrook residents, and has no party affiliation!  That’s why I’m not voting for Jackie!

John M. Smith
Bolingbrook, IL

Well, Mr. Smith, I guess you’re not voting for Mayor Roger Claar either.  He’s also received donations from Cook County, as well as Georgia, Pennsylvania, Iowa, and other states.  Unions have donated to his fund.  He’s also held campaign events in Chicago, California, and other states. Not only is he a member of the Republican Party, he’s also the 11th district Republican State Central Committeeman. Not to mention that he was also a delegate and fundraiser for Donald Trump.

For that matter, are you sure that the PAC that’s been mailing anti-Jackie flyers gets all its funding from Bolingbrook?

We also received several letters that were written in a similar style.  The mystery was solved when someone sent us this unedited form letter:

To the Editor:

There are three truths that every skeptic must accept.  (Choose two: a) Homeopathy doesn’t work. b) Chiropractors are dangerous. c) Mediums are cold readers. d) Evolution is real), and (Choose one: a) Social Justice is oppressive. b) Rejecting evolutionary psychology is rejecting science! c) Cultural Marxists are taking over our culture! d) Ayn Rand is the only true prophet. e) Men are oppressed by women!)

If you do not accept these facts, you (Choose one. a) will be responsible for the next dark age. b) are as evil as PZ Myers. d) will be a slave to Rebecca Watson e) will be destroyed by Donald Trump)

From the ashes of (Atheism+, radical feminism, or sociology), skepticism will arise again and lead us to the stars!

Your name here
Bolingbrook, IL

Finally, we’ll end with this letter.

To the Editor:

Like many feminists, I’m critical of the social construct of gender.  Yet so many of my feminist friends lose their minds when they talk about transpeople.  They become convinced that biology is perfect, and that reproductive organs determine your gender identity.

Enough!  There is no God and nature is not perfect.  Be the gender your brain says you are, not the gender society and activists demand you be.  That is the ultimate freedom!

As for the claim that you can’t tell what a person is thinking, that argument was used against gay people years ago.  How can you tell that the lesbian sitting next to you is not really a heterosexual woman appropriating lesbian culture?  How can you tell if someone is claiming to  be gay because they think it will help them keep their job?

We can’t be 100 percent sure, but we trust gay people to tell the truth.  That should include transpeople as well!

Jill X. Sheridan (Trans-Inclusive Radical Feminist)
Chicago, IL

Also in the Babbler:

CFI’s feline fellows protest visit to the vet
New World Order: Trump under alien control
Sources say: Claar considers building coal plant in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/24/17

Web Exclusive: Happy Birthday PZ Myers! We have links! (Mixed)

In honor of PZ Myer’s birthday, we’ve decided to link to past articles we’ve written about him.

PZ Myers tweets from Hell!
Web Exclusive: Employment firm plans to ‘outsource’ PZ Myers
PZ Myers convicted of blasphemy against Space Pope
Manchester Mumbler: Irish atheists accused of trying to hijack the Lovell Radio Telescope
Web Exclusive: Paranormal Affairs Division receives over 100 election complaints

Out of Character:  Over the years, PZ has challenged and changed my way of thinking about atheism and the atheist movement.  His posts and FtB have also introduced me to interesting people and communities.  So thank you, PZ, and have a very happy birthday.

Web Exclusive: NASA releases Trappist-1 findings after Interstellar Court rules against Space Pope (Fiction)

Trappist-1 Solar System

An artist conception of the Trappist-1 system released by NASA/JPL.

By Reporter X

The 109,298,291 Circuit Court, based in Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, denied the Universal Catholic Church (UCC) motion to suppress’s NASA’s findings about Trappist-1.

According to lawyers representing Space Pope,  Pope Lacoxo MMX, God commanded that only church officials are permitted to look at Trappist-1 and its seven planets.  NASA’s scheduled press conference, they argued, violated their religious freedom.  They demanded the cancellation of the conference and the death of all scientists involved in the research.

Lawyer Gloz explained: “The system Earth called Trappist is the only place in the galaxy where Christ appeared seven times at once!  This miracle is symbolic of the seven levels of Heaven and the seven truths of the universe.  It must only be looked at by those who are blessed.  If NASA releases their findings, it will lead to an increase in abortions, web traffic to Freethought Blogs, unmarried women, and cat ownership!  God will be forced to smite Earth unless this court forces NASA to stop!”

Though the US government prohibited any of its covert lawyers from defending NASA, lawyers from the Popehat Interstellar Collective defended NASA.  They called the UCC a “government-like” organization and said its religious liberty case was “similar to a communist government saying it has the freedom to be repressive.”

Popehat lawyer Poxlog attacked the UCC’s claim that the planets were a holy site.  “Our research revealed that Trappist-1 was really a resort solar system for the Church’s leaders.  While they preached the virtues of ‘ritual only sex’ and the evils of mountain climbing, they were having orgies in their mountain chateaus.  This restriction was set up to prevent their followers from finding out.  In fairness, their last reformation ended these abuses, but the restriction stands.  It no longer serves its original purpose.”

Popehat lawyer Kenbloth said the court could only impose the ban if there was a compelling secular reason to do so.  “There is a three part test, and the plaintiff’s request does not pass it.  NASA is not presenting evidence of advanced civilizations on Trappist-1.  Stating that Trappist-1 has seven planets is not stating that there are civilizations on these worlds.  Speculating about life on these planets is not the same as proving that there is intelligent life in those worlds.  You have to dismiss this case.”

The judge asked Gloz if there was a secular reason to impose the ban.  Gloz said there was.  “It is a fact that God exists.  It is a fact that Jesus is his son.  It is a fact that Pope Lacoxo  MMX is Jesus’ emissary.  Therefore the universe requires you to suppress this unholy press conference!”

After several moments of stunned silence in the courtroom, the judge dismissed the case with extreme prejudice.

When the judge left, Gloz called the Popehat Interstellar Lawyers “godless.”

“Thank you.”  Kenbloth replied.  “We’ve worked hard to build that reputation.”

At a conference with the interstellar media, Gloz said they would not charge NASA for their services.  “We will go anywhere in the Milky Way to answer a Popehat Signal!”, said Gloz.  The group of lawyers then urged the interstellar public to read the Earth blog that inspired them.

Aliens released from Milo Yiannopoulos speech (Fiction)

(CN: Hate speech by a fictional version of Milo Yiannopoulos.)

By Reporter X

Photo of Milo Yiannopoulos

Photo by @Kmeron.

Over a thousand aliens were released after Clow UFO Base officials “required” them to attend a Milo Yiannopoulos speech.

“There’s a galactic treaty that bans torture!”  said Ivos, a resident of Kornix Confederation.  “(Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) just violated it by forcing us to listen to a living random bigotry generator!  I’m filing a complaint with my ambassador!”

Yiannopoulos, a self-proclaimed Gamergate spokesperson and Breitbart editor, was invited by the Illuminati to speak at Clow as part of his “Universal Outrageous (explicative  deleted) UFO Base Tour.”  Promotional materials promised “an evening of politically incorrect lulzs by a man who will confuse your male appendages!”

While Milo’s speeches have attracted large audiences at college campuses, only six aliens had bought tickets the day before the event.  There were no tickets sold the day of the event.  It was at that point that Claar decided to make the event mandatory.

An anonymous source explained: “The contract states that any perceived walkout or boycott of a Milo event constitutes a violation of his free speech rights.  That could result in a loss of funding.  So we had to make sure the auditorium was full.  Otherwise he’d get mad, and we’d lose our Illuminati funding.”

After herding the aliens, Michael Z. Webber, president of the Freedom Humanists Association, delivered the warmup speech.

“I’m not here because we’re the only Illuminati approved humanist organization in the world.  I’m not here because I agree with him.  I disagree with almost everything he believes in.  But!  This is a big but!  When feminists make me feel bad with their privilege lectures, he makes me feel good!  That’s why I absolutely support his absolute freedom to speak.”

Milo then entered the auditorium on a gold plated floating throne, surrounded by bored gay men wearing Speedos.  When Milo landed on the stage, Webber kneeled and handed him a Humanist of the Year medallion. Milo laughed, grabbed the medallion, then motioned for Webber to leave.

Sitting on his throne, Milo announced the title of his talk, “Mars Needs Humans.”  Though the Martian Colonists are universally accepted to be technologically ahead of the human race by 10,000 years, Milo argued that humans are really the more advanced species.

“Political correctness has corrupted the galaxy!  Thanks to the space feminists, you have been fooled into believing that martians are smart.  They’re not smart.  I’m going to say it!  They’re stupid!  Martians are stupid!  Isn’t amazing that I’m saying that!  But I am!  You know I’m correct!”

An alien interrupted.  “Excuse me!  I think you mean the Martian Colonists!  Native Martians never evolved beyond bacteria. The—”

“You interrupted me!  You dared to violate my right to speak freely?  Get him out of here!”

After the alien was removed, Milo’s servants walked among the audience to collect questions.  Instead of reading the questions to Milo, the men shredded them.

“Stop attacking Milo with fake facts!”  One of them yelled.  “You’re violating his free speech with these questions.”

Milo then said he would offer a preview of target of his next campaign: Intersex babies.

“I just want to protect women and children from having to see these (derogatory description deleted)!  So I’m showing you guys these pictures.  Maybe you can abduct their parents, and brainwash them to fix their kids!”

Before Milo could show the images, an alien ripped out her chair and threw it at the screen.  She screamed that he was a bully and picking on babies was a new low, even for him.  Security arrested her.

“Anyone else want to infringe on my free speech?”

Another alien screamed, “Drum circle!”  A drum kit appeared in front him, and he started performing a drum solo.  Other aliens started pounding on the chairs.  After several seconds, an Illuminati operative fired a taser at the alien playing the drum kit.  The alien started to slow down his playing, and swayed as if he was trying to stay awake.  Moments later, the alien pulled out the taser cords, and he started to play faster.  Many in the crowd cheered.  Finally, security broke through the crowd and arrested him.

“Intersex babies matter! Rock hard against bigots!”

Milo shook his head.  “Is anyone else here stupid enough to protest me?”

Almost all of the aliens raised an appendage.

Milo screamed, then pointed towards the doors.  “You’re protesting my right to free speech.  You’re refusing to tolerate my intolerance!  Well, you failed!  I’m still here!  Now get out!  Get out now.  But before you leave, just know that I’m unstoppable!  I got a trans woman to quit college, and I got a book deal!  I threatened to out undocumented students, and I got invited to Bill Maher’s show.  Every time you protest me, I am rewarded by serious men!”  He used his fingers to make a triangle.  “Fnord!”

Ivos was one of the aliens who raised his appendages.  “It was the only way we could escape.  Most of us couldn’t take any more of his gish gallop.”

Claar couldn’t be reached for comment.

Webmaster’s Note: After this article went to press, Milo lost his book deal and keynote speech at CPAC due to unearthed comments he made about Pedophilia. 

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Sources: American Atheists to relaunch Atheist TV as Atheist TV+ (Fiction)

Atheist TV +

Is this the new logo for Atheist TV?

Atheist TV will be relaunched, state sources with relatives of acquaintances connected to the staff.

One source, who asked to be called Steve, explained.  “We kind of dropped the ball the first time we launched Atheist TV.  We were mostly showing old videos.  You can’t build a network around that.  Even TV Land has original programs.  We hit a low point when a Vice reporter made fun of our launch party.”

Another source, who asked to be called Mandy, explained what the new approach to Atheist TV will be: “We need to be more like Netflix.  That means more original programing.  Original stuff will draw new viewers who will then check out the old videos. That will be a plus for all atheists.”

The sources agreed that Atheist TV, which will be rebranded as Atheist TV+, will initially be anchored by five programs. Three of these will be brand new.  The two established programs will be Atheist Talk and The Atheist Experience.  Atheist Talk will be a live simulcast of the radio program.  The Atheist Experience will be a special live Sunday stream.  The Atheist Experience will also maintain its current schedule, according to the sources.

The three new shows, which will be funded by an anonymous donor, will be a talk show, a drama, and a reality TV series.

[Read more…]