From the webmaster: Our top ten most popular stories of 2018 (Fiction)

By Wendy Ononfrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

File photo of former CSI feline fellow Cassie.

Before we say goodbye to 2018, I thought it would be fun to look back at our most popular stories this year:

10)Acting Clow UFO Base administrator considers accepting transgender refugees The last we heard, a decision is still pending.
9)Illuminati honors Qanon at the Bolingbrook Golf Club She’s still going strong in some corners of the Internet.
8)From the webmaster: Bolingbrook Pride to host ‘Pride Picnic and Puppies’ on June 10 The next event is planned for June 2019 at Village Hall.
7) Village Board celebrates the opening of ‘troll farm’ in Bolingbrook They’re still in business and we can expect to see their work during the 2019 campaign.
6) Mayor Claar defiant as Clow UFO Base reopens Roger may not control Clow UFO Base currently, but he might after the April election.
5) Anonymous Sources: Rogue Township trustees set fire to IKEA solar panel The war between the Illuminati and the New World Order reached the DuPage Township.  Allegiances may have changed since this story was published, but the fighting rages on. Even the Edgar County Watchdogs, rumored to be Illuminati operatives, have joined the fight.
4) Center for Inquiry responds to harassment allegations against Lawrence Krauss by firing its feline fellows This one has kind of a happy ending. Krauss will retire in 2019 and the cats are enjoying their new home at the American Humanist Association.
3) The Roger Claar Party launches the first attack ad against the First Party for Bolingbrook The 2019 campaign is off to a negative start with a bold attack ad by the Roger Claar Party, which isn’t affiliated with Mayor Roger Claar.
2) Amid controversy, Joshie Berger opens a restaurant at Clow UFO Base It was closed during the uprising at Clow UFO Base, but it is now open again. Though it is not as popular as the WeatherTech restaurants.

And the number one story:

1) Illuminati honors Professor Jordan Peterson The Bolingbrook Golf Club was the place to be if you were a member of the Illuminati.

 

Update on the GoFundMe campaign to defend against Richard Carrier’s lawsuit (Non-fiction)

Richard Carrier’s lawsuit against FTB and others is still ongoing.  Which unfortunately means our legal defense fund needs more money:

The lawsuit is ongoing. Stephanie’s second birthday since the lawsuit has come and gone — she was served on her birthday, did you know that? — and we’re still entrenched in the battle with little hope of quick resolution. As of a few days ago, all the money in this fund has been spent on our lawyers, and the legal bills we have at present total about $29,000. That means, sadly, I’m going to have to raise the fundraising goal again — to defray our personal costs and hopefully build a bit of a war chest against the ongoing suit.

I’m so very grateful to those of you who’ve shared and donated and posted words of encouragement, and I’m so very sorry that we keep having to spend money on this utterly unabashed attempt at silencing the critics of Richard Carrier, who’s admitted publicly to the behaviour we’d criticized and who persists in slandering the defendants publicly. I can only hope that the longer his lawsuit continues, the more word spreads of his actual character — one where he’d admit to not following a conference’s rules about solicitation of conference-goers, and then sue the people who might dare say that’s creepy.

And he calls himself a feminist and a free speech advocate.

We need your help to stay afloat and weather this blatant use of the legal system to silence criticism of an entitled white man who feels his honour is besmirched.

Please help, if you can. If you’ve already donated, thank you so much — please spread the word.

More details can be found on the GoFundMe page.

Web Exclusive: Former atheist activist David Silverman to open ‘Transformative Humanist Center’ in Bolingbrook Commons (Fiction)

David Silverman, former president of the American Atheists, will open a “Transformative Humanist Center” in Bolingbrook.  Opening in Bolingbrook Commons early next year, the center promises to be a “moderating force” in the village.

File photo of “Transformative Humanist” David Silverman by BDEngler.

“Bolingbrook is a divided community,” said Sally Z. Carter, the director of the Bolingbrook Center.  “Some residents support the mayor.  Some residents oppose the mayor.  This arguing is pointless.  We need to focus on what is really harming our community: Religion.  Humanist.com, I mean Transformative Humanism, will bring the village together.  We’re already doing a great job!”

Though the village filed a lawsuit to keep Liberty Temple out of Bolingbrook Commons, Carter does not foresee any problems with Mayor Roger Claar approving the Center:  “We are the top of the horseshoe!  We are opposed to those who want to impose peaceful ethnic cleansing of Bolingbrook’s residents, and to those who want to force residents to live under the rule of Social Justice.  We are militant defenders of the status quo, and, in Bolingbrook, Roger Claar and his Bolingbrook First party, are the status quo.  Once Bolingbrook is united, we can work together to reduce the number of places of worship infesting our village.”

Carter refused to talk about Silverman’s firing from American Atheists, or who hired him to be the director of Transformative Humanism:  “The first 100 people who register for our reasonably priced classes on humanist forgiveness will receive a signed copy of Fighting God.  Belief in God is the real enemy of Bolingbrook.”

A receptionist for Mayor Roger Claar said he was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.  In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Charlene, did you send a fake text to (DuPage Township Trustee Ken Burgess) about a parade volunteer?”

“I can’t recall.  Can you be more specific?”

“The text that has sent DuPage Township spinning further into chaos and endangered my candidate for state representative?”

“Maybe, or maybe the allegation is true.  Either way, it just goes to show why we should abolish Illinois township governments.  My client, Governor Bruce Rauner, would be happy to educate you.”

“No.  Just try not to spread so much chaos in my village.  Can you do that?”

“I can limit the amount of chaos I will unleash upon the village.”

“Thank you.  You are still on my side, right?”

“Yes.”

A receptionist for Silverman said he was on a phone call, and could not be disturbed: “Humanist.com, I mean Transformative Humanism, will reveal our plans when we are ready to.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Silverman, said: “You linked to my web page.  You know how angry your followers are.  That was cruel.  I had to take down most of the pages just to protect myself.  Seriously?  PZ, let me tell you that I have been out of the public spotlight for more than seven weeks.  That should count for something.  How dare you call it that.  It was just a surprise session of S and M.  Don’t you like surprises?  You’re no fun.  No, you need to see the big picture.  I’ve seen the future.  It’s only a matter of time before the militant centrists in government stage their coup against Trump and turn power over to the Intellectual Dark Web.  When that happens, you’ll be sent to a philosophy camp, and I’ll be the toast of Washington D.C.  Of course, I can protect your fellow bloggers and you from this fate.  All you have to do is shut up and give me your money.  Hello?”

Carrier lawsuit update (Non-fiction)

  1. PZ Myers has a video update and post about Richard Carrier’s lawsuit:

Hey! Have you been wondering what’s going on with the Carrier lawsuit? I can’t tell you. It’s mostly secret.

I can tell you though, that he has a new friend with money.

And we still need more money.

This has been going for about two years. I honestly think people would have forgotten about his resignation from FTB if had never filed this lawsuit.

Since this lawsuit isn’t going away for awhile, please consider donating to the legal defense fund.

Web Exclusive: Space Nazis canvas Illinois 3rd Congressional District for Arthur Jones (Fiction)

(Content notice:  Depictions of Nazis and racism)

Bethany, a resident of Brookfield, didn’t give a second thought when she heard the doorbell.  Looking through her peephole, she saw three men, whose bodies appeared to have been painted in white house paint, wearing white slacks and white polo shirts.

“What do you want?”  She asked.

“We are ordinary Volkswagens,” said one of the men.  “I mean Volks.  I mean people.  We are like you, only whiter.  We’re here to talk to you about the next sub-link, I mean orbiza, I mean congressman from this concentration, I mean the Third Congressional district. Arthur Jones.”

“Like all residents,” said another man, “He is a blue-blooded American.”  The man then pulled out a knife and cut himself.  Blue blood rushed out of the wound.

Bethany screamed and called 911.  She claims two Men in Blue walked up to her porch, cleaned up the blood, and told her not to tell any mainstream media outlets about what she saw.

“I guess the Babbler doesn’t count as a mainstream outlet,” she said.

Dozens of residents claim to have seen aliens canvasing the district for Jones, the Republican candidate for the district.  He is a former member of the American Nazi Party and a white supremacist.  His website and some of his flyers promote holocaust denialism.  Jones has been denounced by the Illinois Republican Party, including Governor Bruce Rauner.

Since Jones’s primary victory, space Nazis, and beings with similar beliefs, have tried to infiltrate the district and work for his campaign.

“He hasn’t raised any money on Earth,” said Joan Armstrong, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “We suspect all his campaign staff and volunteers are undocumented interstellar visitors.”

Joe, who asked that we not use his last name, also encountered what he claims was a Nazi from space.  According to Joe, he opened the door and saw a frail older man.  The man claimed he was the last surviving member of a lunar Nazi colony created by the Germans at the end of World War II.  

“I asked him why, if the Nazis had such advanced technology, they didn’t win. He said something about waiting for the right moment.  When cores of their atomic bombs expired, they still waited.  Even when they ran out of food and water, the leadership said it wasn’t the right moment.  He said Arthur Jones’s primary victory was that moment.”

Joe claims he punched the man, then called the police.  “I always wanted to punch a real Nazi.  I’ve known survivors of the Holocaust, and hitting him was the least I could do.  Of course, I could also become a member of the Skokie Holocaust Museum.  I could also forget about the mean things I said about Representative Dan Lipinski during the primary and vote for him.  Dan hates gay marriage, but he wouldn’t vote to kill us.”

Ruth, who asked that we not use her last name, believes she encountered aliens pretending to be white supremacists.  According to her, ten were on her front lawn holding Tiki Torches, and chanting, “Jews will not replace us.”  One of the alleged aliens walked up to her and said his name was Lukas.  “He said that the ‘yellow-pinkish race’ needed to stand up to the bankers living in the capital city of Elyakim.  I said I’d never heard of it.  Lukas said it was the ancient Jewish capitol.” 

Elyakim is the capitol city of one of the Interstellar Tribes of Israel.

Ruth claims that another alleged alien whispered to Lukas. Lukas then said he really meant Jerusalem and Israel.  Ruth said that she was Jewish, and thought the aliens in front of him were vile and evil.  Lukas replied they weren’t evil because they were being anti-semitic “ironically.” Ruth claims she sprayed mace at Lukas’s face, and his head melted like butter. Then the others ran off.  Headless, Lukas replied, “You ruined a perfectly good human suit.”

Armstrong said Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, at first, was able to capture most of the space Nazis that landed at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  When protesters took seized Clow UFO Base, it lost access to their anti-UFO interceptors and control of most of Bolingbrook’s anti-UFO weapons.  This, according to Armstrong, led to more alien Nazis entering the Third District to help Jones.

“We are doing our best to protect Chicagoland,” said Armstrong.  “But as long as there is hate in the galaxy, beings who want to feel superior, and leaders willing to exploit both qualities, there will always be a Nazi threat.”

In a fax to the Babbler, Jones insisted his staff was white and he couldn’t wait to fire up his oven.

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar said Claar could not comment because he was in the middle of a meeting:  “Don’t tell anyone, but Roger is meeting with a person who wants to do an invocation at the next meeting.”

In the background, a man said:  “May James Randi’s magic make this board skeptical of woo.  May the memory of Christopher Hitchens inspire the board to Hitchslap PZ Myers and his hoard of Islamist social justice warriors.  May Elizabeth Loftus teach the board to doubt their memories.  May Michael Shermer lead their thoughts to the secular promised land.  Reason.”

A man who sounded like Claar said, “I thought The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s prayers were supposed to be silly.”

“Oh, I’m not with them.  I’m a representative from the Sam Harris Dark Web.”

“That’s…all I need to know.”

Bolingbrook’s Art Bell Party demands answers (Fiction)

Ten members of Bolingbrook’s Art Bell Party picketed in front of Clow Airport to demand an investigation into the death of radio host Art Bell. 

“We’re just asking questions,” said Art Bell party leader Michael Faith.  “Like, will (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) create a panel to verify no resident was involved in Art’s death?  For that matter, where was Roger yesterday?  Can he account for his whereabouts at the time of Art’s death? We want to know, and we think that every true Bolingbrook resident wants to know, too.”

Bell, who started the paranormal-themed radio show  Coast to Coast in 1988, died 4/13/18 at his home in Pahrump, NV.  At its peak, Coast to Coast was syndicated on 500 radio stations and had 15 million listeners.  In 1996, Bell was the first to report Chuck Shramek’s claim that a UFO was following Comet Hale-Bopp. Though stories about the alleged UFO may have inspired the Heaven’s Gate cult to commit mass suicide, Bell denied any responsibility for the incident.

“Art Bell taught us to not accept the official truth,” said Faith.  “So many other residents believe Bolingbrook is an average suburb, and Clow is only an airport.  There still are residents who laugh when I tell them Clow Airport is just a cover for a UFO Base.  Art opened our minds to the truth, and the Babbler told us the truth.”

Jane Z. Cantor, who will be running for Village trustee in 2019, believes there are too many coincidences surrounding Bell’s death:  “Why are we just now debating garbage toters?  Why was American Atheist president David Silverman fired before Art’s death?  Why were atheists holding a convention after Art’s death?  Why is there suddenly interest in organizing Bolingbrook Gay Pride events?  We want answers, and we’re going to keep asking until we hear what sounds like the truth!”

Faith believes Bell was about to make a major announcement about Bolingbrook:  “Could it be that Art was going to announce Clow UFO Base? Could the announcement have involved a scandal?  Could it be that someone in the village didn’t want that information to come out?  We need to know the facts, and there cannot be even a hint of doubt about the innocence of any village employee or official.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar,  said: “So Charlene, how is purging the Bolingbrook Friends page going to help me?  It’s supposed to be a friendly page about Bolingbrook.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Roger.  You don’t understand the full power of this group.  I’m going to show you with this post.  Let me borrow your account.”

“Let me see.  Wait.  My daughter has epidermis?  Of course, she has skin.”

“I just posted it.  Now refresh your browser.”

“Wow!  Look at all these thoughts and prayers!”

“Exactly.  It’s not a matter of having a Facebook Page with the most members.  It’s about having a Facebook page with the right members.”

“I see.  Well, I’d better delete this post before my daughter reads it.”

Also in the Babbler:

Sources say PZ Myers really loves his cat
Syrians agents set off stink bombs in Chicago
Russian weather attack fails to stop OrbitCon
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/18/18

From the Webmaster: Help make the Secular Women Work conference a reality (Mixed)

By Wendy Onofrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

Secular Women Work conference organizers need your help to make their 2018 conference a reality:

The Secular Women Work conference is a celebration of the work of female activists who create and run projects and communities in the secular movement. And there is no better way to honor their work than by using their expertise to help us all become better activists.

At Secular Women Work, you will find workshops: both hands-on exercises to develop your skills and facilitated group discussions where you can share challenges and solutions with other activists. You will find panels on specialist topics, with panelists who can help you broaden the horizons of your activism. And when you’re ready for a rest, you’ll find speakers who will entertain and inspire you with stories and lessons from their own work. In between it all, you’ll find a conference full of other activists who want to make a difference in the world.

They have five days left to reach their goal of $13,000, and they’re over halfway there.  If they reach their goal, the conference will be held August 24 through August 26 in Minneapolis.

I’ve already donated, and I encourage others to join me.

From the webmaster: The first OrbitCon is April 13-15 (Mixed)

By Wendy Onofrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

Banner for OrbitConOur friends at The Orbit are hosting their first online convention, OrbitCon on April 13-15.  It will be accessible on YouTube and free to watch.  It’s like a secular convention that you can watch from the comfort of your own home.  From their first post:

Panels should broadly fit The Orbit’s themes of atheism, activism, and culture and our identity as a social justice network. That doesn’t mean they have to be super serious, solemn discussions. We’re anticipating a music “panel” that includes performance, and we’ll be shocked if we don’t have panels on Steven Universe and Black Panther.

They’re currently looking for panel and speech proposals.  There’s more information on their main page.

We’re currently thinking of our panel proposals.  What panels do you think we should propose?  Alien religions?  The cryptids of Bolingbrook?  Will future Bolingbrook residents worship Mayor Roger Claar?  Is it safe to punch space Nazis?  Bolingbrook: The most important village in the galaxy?

No matter what panel we propose, this is promises to be a fun and thoughtful event hosted by our sister network.

Clow UFO Base withstands snowstorm (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Officials at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base praised their ability to remain operational, despite getting nearly a foot of snow over the weekend.

“The Chicagoland airports canceled fights, but our unofficial motto is ‘we never close!’” said one official. “OK, we did cancel an ice cream social, but we’re a UFO Base, not an ice cream parlor!”

Xopolx, a resident of the Trappist system, praised the staff of Clow UFO Base for how they handled the storm: “We were nice and warm. There were no supply shortages, and I was able to conduct my business here without any issues. Oh, I’m also supposed to say thanks to Mayor Roger Claar, but I don’t know why. Silly human rules I guess.”

No flights were canceled, though some aliens reported difficulties landing at Clow. Oglock, a resident of the Kapteyn system, said his crew missed the landing pad entirely: “When we were approaching Earth, our sensors detected a car flying through space. We thought our sensors were faulty, so we turned them off. Now we know it was that Tesla car a billionaire launched into orbit. Anyway, we attempted a visual approach to Bolingbrook. We saw an area with paved streets, and we thought that was a landing spot. It turns out it was the mayor’s subdivision. When Roger approached our ship, we thought we were going to get the royal treatment. Instead, he swore at us and told us to get off his lawn. At least he gave us directions to Clow after threatening to blow up our ship.”

Some aliens were amused at the way Bolingbrook’s residents handled the storm: “I loved sitting in the cloaked observation tower watching all the cars spin out on Weber and Boughton roads,” said Gopol, a resident of Pluto. “Our winters last for centuries, our atmosphere freezes, and our planet turns into a ball of ice. Yes, I said planet. Deal with it.”

Some aliens tried to help out Bolingbrook residents. Keloko, who did not identify her planet of origin, said she tried to clear off some streets with a heat ray: “The men in blue stopped me and said I was breaking the rules. I told them I was trying to help, and the men said the plows would take care of the street. When I asked where were they, the men said they had to handle the important streets first. I think all streets matter, but whatever.”

Keloko said she was allowed to deliver supplies to residents who were stuck at home: “One said I was an angel and asked how she could repay me. I said she should go to the Bolingbrook United fundraiser on February 13 and support a party that would try to keep all the streets clear. She said if that’s what God wanted her to do, then she would do it. I guess human superstitions can be useful.”

In an email to the Babbler, Claar wrote, “Snow will be removed when it is removed like it has been since I’ve been in charge. There is no reason to change. Now is the time to unite behind the Bolingbrook First Party and me. It is easy to whine. It takes effort to make wine!”

Web Exclusive: The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2018 (Fiction)

Will Obama save the world in 2018?

Once again, our psychics nailed their predictions for 2017. Trump survived his first term. Mayor Roger Claar was in a tight election, which he won. Jay Cutler left the Bears, and President Donald Trump had an inauguration so rough that the White House had to lie about it.

Sure, some of the more skeptical bloggers on Freethought Blogs will point out our errors and the things we missed. Chicago didn’t become a part of Canada, and we didn’t predict our move to this blog network.

Predicting the future isn’t an exact science. Still, we think our psychics did a good job, and we hope you will consider their visions for the new year. At least this year, they were able to wake up from their trances without screaming in horror!

So here are our predictions for 2018:

***

During the Winter Olympics, Trump will decide to launch a nuclear attack. After entering the codes, a message from former President Barack Obama will appear.

“Donald! I knew you couldn’t resist the opportunity to use our nuclear weapons. So, I took the liberty of keeping the real nuclear football and giving you this replica. I can’t let you risk the reputation of this great nation by committing genocide. Well, by committing genocide again. We aren’t perfect. Anyway, you can play with your little football, and I’ll keep our huge stockpile of peacekeepers safe and secure until a reasonable person takes office.”

Obama will go into hiding, while Trump will unleash the mother of all Twitter rants.

***

During a Bolingbrook Village Board meeting, Claar will try to humiliate Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz – by letting him propose an ordinance with the expectation that the other trustees, who are members of Claar’s Bolingbrook First party, would refuse to second it.

To Claar’s surprise, all of his trustees will second the proposal. After Jaskiewicz gives a short speech, Claar will say that anyone who votes for the ordinance is a foe of Bolingbrook. He will then call for a roll-call vote.

When it is their turn to vote, each Bolingbrook First trustee will struggle to say anything. “I can’t say the ’n’ word!” one of them will cry.

Frustrated, Claar will lash out at Trustee Rick Morales. “You’ve voted no in the past. Why can’t you do it now?”

“You said there is no “no” in a team and if I want to stay on the team, I can never vote “no.” But I can’t vote with Bob. I’m so confused. I can’t tell you to get with the program because you are the program, Roger.”

Jaskiewicz will chuckle. “You’ve conditioned your trustees never to vote no. They can’t overcome it.”

The final vote will be one vote “no,” one vote “yes,” and five abstentions. After the voting, the Bolingbrook First trustees will either be crying, passed out, or reading their trustee reports out loud.

“That’s just great,” Claar will say.

***

A prominent leader in the atheist movement will file a $1 trillion lawsuit against all Christian dominations.

“I’ve built my career on the fact that Jesus never existed,” the prominent atheist will say. “By promoting the myth of Jesus, these organizations are maliciously attacking my work and raising slanderous questions about my sanity. I have no choice but to defend my reputation.”

***

The business world will be shocked when Bolingbrook’s Ulta buys UPS. Ulta will then disrupt e-commerce by announcing that they will no longer handle Amazon’s freight.

“Maybe it is overkill to buy a global freight company,” an executive will say. “But something has to be done to stop Amazon from destroying retail sales. Will someone think of the malls?”

Surprisingly, the move will only inspire Amazon to expand its own logistical services. Most of the world will not see any disruptions in deliveries.

“We’re so big that the economy bends to our will,” an anonymous Amazon executive will say. “Soon every American will either work for us or work to support us. In the end, there can be only one corporation. Let it be Amazon!”