Web Exclusive: Roskam campaign to host Sean Casten themed ‘Hellhouse’ in Wheaton (Fiction)

Sources inside Representative Peter Roskam’s campaign say the campaign will run a haunted attraction based around his Democratic opponent, Sean Casten.  Based on “Hellhouses” run by Christian ministries, the attraction will be called “Casten you to Hell.”  It will open October 1st and run through Halloween.

Will this graphic promote Rep. Peter Roskam’s ‘Hellhouse’?

“Sean Casten is a liberal devil,” said Blake, who claims to be a paid member of Roskam’s staff.  “We want to show the voters of the Sixth Congressional District the kind of Hell on Earth Casten would inflict on them.”

According to the sources, horrors planned for the house include: 

  • Women wearing pussy hats while getting abortions
  • Liberals taking away guns because they’re “triggering.”
  • Heavy Duty pickup trucks turning into electric powered subcompact cars
  • Transpeople having the same rights as white men
  • Black Lives Matter activists patrolling Wheaton
  • “Entitled” activists burning an entrepreneur

When asked if the “Entitled” activists were supposed to represent Social Security and Medicare recipients, Blake shushed this reporter.  “We’re not allowed to talk about S and M in Wheaton.”

Jack, a volunteer for Roskam, said part of the house will portray “a Casten owned business.”  It will depict Casten burning money, while employees are taxed to death, and “Christian Freedom Fighters” are crushed by a giant “carbon foot.”

“We tried to get Sean’s former employees to speak out against him,” said Jack.  “None of them wanted to.  He must have cast a spell on them because they all said they liked him.”

Blake says the “Hell House” will play a key role in securing victory for Roskam.  “Most constituents hate Peter.  If we can make them fear Sean, we’ll win.  Fear is stronger than hate.  So spread the fear!  Oh, did you know that Sean’s Barrington office is also a gay bar?  That’s scary!”

A receptionist for the Casten campaign said the campaign didn’t believe Roskam would host such an event.  “These attack ads just cover up the fact that Peter is afraid of his constituents.  Seriously.  When’s the last time you saw Peter in our district?”

In the background, a woman said, “Sean!  (Illinois Speaker of the House Mike Madigan) just sent a truckload of flyers.”  

“Wow.  That’s nice.  Considering I’ve never spoken or donated any money to him.  Let me take a look.  Wait a minute.  These are Kelly Mazeski flyers.”

“Mike included this card with the flyers.”

“Let me see.  ‘Roses are red/Violets are blue/Kelly was my candidate/Drop out of the race or I’ll—’ Woah!”

A receptionist for Roskam neither confirmed nor denied the story.  “I love the Bolingbrook Babbler.  I’ve been reading your stories since I was a kid.  Every week I recite the prayer that will save Bolingbrook.  I’ll tell Peter that you’re on Skype with me!”

The receptionist walked into a meeting room.  Roskam and eight other men were sitting around a table.

“I had a weird dream,” said one of the men.  “I dreamt that Sean Casten told me he was moving to Michigan but he would keep a house in our district so he could still be eligible to represent our district.”

Roskam slapped the table.  “That’s our next web ad.”

“But it was just a dream, congressman.”

“Was it a dream?  God can speak to us in our dreams, right? Maybe he decided to make you a prophet that will lead me to victory.”

“Wow!  I’ve felt God in Wheaton, but—but.”  The man started speaking in tongues.

“I wonder if anyone else on my staff has been blessed by our Lord and Savior.  You know you can’t be on my staff unless He’s touched you.”

The rest of the staff started speaking in tongues.

“I love having Wheaton in my district.”

Web Exclusive: Rep. Peter Roskam to ignite a ‘bonfire of pants’ on Facebook (Fiction)

Representative Peter Roskam’s campaign is undeterred by one of their Facebook ads getting a “Pants on Fire” rating by Politifact Illinois.

Picture of congressional candidate Sean Casten with a sports car in the background. The text says "Sean Casten drives a car! Peter Roskam runs. Paid for by Roskam for Congress"

A web ad allegedly produced by Rep. Peter Roskam’s campaign. 

“We’re going to lite a bonfire of burning pants on Facebook!” said a campaign staffer who asked to be called Bobby.  “We won’t stop there!  We’re already flooding the Internet with web ads!  We added a new Twitter account.  We’re going to say and show anything and everything to burn down Sean Casten!

“You’re supposed to say, ‘Sleazy Casten.’”  said another staffer.

“I thought that was next week?”

“Next week is ‘Cheating Casten.’  This weak is ‘Sleazy.’”

“What’s two weeks from now?”

“Car-driving Casten.”

Flush with money from political action committees and support from the Congressional Leadership Fund, the Roskam campaign is aggressively attacking Casten.  The Cook Report rates the race a tossup, and Bobby says they are working hard to change that.

“We gave Sean a big tax cut, and this is how he thanks Peter?  No, he deserves everything we’re going to throw at him.”

When asked if the campaign would be fact-checking their ads moving forward, Bobby replied: “(Rudy Giuliani) says the truth isn’t always true.  Are you going to argue with America’s Mayor?”

Charlene Spencer, an employee at Bolingbrook’s Barber’s Corner Media, says her company will be producing the next round of Facebook ads for the Roskam campaign.  She doubts any of the ads will get a “pants on fire” rating:  “I designed the ‘Casten kisses a married woman every night ad.’  I’m sure he does kiss his wife every night.  If people draw a different conclusion, then the problem is in how he presents himself—  Not with the ad itself.”

When asked about the “Casten spends time with two younger women” ad, Spencer replied, “His daughters are younger than him.  The most the media can do is ding me with a ‘mostly true’ rating.  It’s amazing what you can create when you don’t let ethics and morality get in the way.”

Roskam invited this reporter to his West Chicago office to discuss his “pants on fire” ranking.  He spent most of the interview decrying “fake news.”:

“As I said in our only debate, don’t believe everything you read.  I mean look at my pants.  Do they look burned?  Do you see any patches?  Do you see any repairs?  I did not set my pants on fire, and that is why the real residents of the Sixth District don’t believe the news. The fake news wants you to think that I am so unpopular, I have to attack Sean.  I don’t have to have to attack him.  I want to attack him on behalf of all the real residents of the Sixth District.”

A Congressional staff member opened his door:  “Holly just finished her question about health care.”

“Excuse me.  I have to deal with my teleconference town hall.”

Roskam picked up the phone and pressed a button:  “Thank you for sharing your story, Johanna.  I’m sure many people here were moved by your words.  Health care issues are the reason I love being a congressman, and I will keep writing legislation until Congress gets it right.  Thank you for taking the time to participate in this town hall.  I think we have another question.”

Roskam pressed a button and put down the headset.

“Now where were we?”

Russian special forces supporting Rep. Peter Roskam’s campaign (Fiction)

Some residents of Illinois’ Sixth Congressional District claim to have seen members of Russia’s Special Operations Forces campaigning for Rep. Peter Roskam.

“I saw 20 of them parachute out of a US military cargo plane,” said Cindy, who asked that we not use her last name.  Cindy claims the operatives landed on her street in Downers Grove.  According to Cindy, they were wearing American Flag clothing, and had their faces painted to look like the US Flag:

“I asked them what they were doing.  One of them replied and had a really thick Russian accent. He said, ‘We are moderate white residents of greatest Congress District in the USA.  We love Congressman Peter Roskam because he is real strong man, like Trump.  He is why people are walking away from Democrat Party.  He give us big tax cut. You agree.’ I just backed away.”

Dave, a resident of Palatine, claims that two of the Russian operatives canvassed his neighborhood:  “I asked why they knocked on my door when I have a Sean Casten sign in my yard.  They said they were concerned and going to hold an intervention.  I slammed the door on them and locked it.  About a minute later, one of them used a shotgun to destroy my lock.  They said I suffered from Trump Derangement Syndrome and the only cure is to vote for Peter.  They also said that they would give me electroshock therapy if I didn’t vote for Peter.  You know what, Peter Roskam is such a two-faced politician that I would rather be tasered than vote for him!”

Amber, who frequently pickets in front of Roskam’s Barrington field office, said she saw six Russian operatives outside the office building.  According to her, the men were greeted by a smiling Roskam staff member.  Amber asked why Roskam was meeting with the Russians, but would never meet with her. The staffer replied:  “Just because you happen to live within the Sixth District doesn’t make you a true constituent.  These men are the embodiment of the values of the Sixth District.  These are the people who are the key to victory for the Congressman.”

Amber countered, “Is that why Peter voted to force the Justice Department to turn over all documents related to the active Mueller investigation?  Is that why he voted against increasing funding for election security?  Is Peter more loyal to the Russians than he is to America?”

An operative replied, “It is cheaper for Comrade Peter to be our friends than our enemies.”

“Yeah,” the staffer agreed.  “Peter is all about saving money for the right people.  He doesn’t care about you and the other rabble infesting his district.  As far as we’re concerned, Moscow is the best city in the district!”

A Roskam campaign staff member denied any knowledge about Russian special forces units in his district:  “I don’t know what state I’m in, or if I’m even in Chicago.  All I know is that if the Russians are helping us defeat a Democrat, then I’m thankful.  Our new friends are helping us keep the country safe for Republicans.  What is your fake news rag doing?”

A spokesperson for Casten urged all residents of the district to resist Russian voter manipulation and intimidation:  “These tactics only work if the margin of victory is small.  If every Democrat votes, we will overwhelm the Russian hackers and alleged special forces soldiers to reclaim our democracy!  The choice is clear.  You can either vote for a fiscally responsible businessman and patriot, or you can reelect Congressman Roskam!”

Also in the Babbler:

UFOs monitor Alpine Days Parade
Mayor Claar tries to avoid Republican civil war in Bolingbrook
Alien prostitutes arrested in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/25/18. 

Space Aliens to be evicted from Americana Estates (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Space aliens living in Bolingbrook’s Americana Estates subdivision received eviction notices from the Village of Bolingbrook.

“The village can no longer maintain the illusion that we own 46 vacant lots in an expensive subdivision,” said Joan Armstrong, a spokesperson for the Department of Interstellar Affairs.  We need to fill those lots with visible homes, and that is not consistent with housing our visitors.”  Armstrong added that Clow UFO Base will have more than enough space to house all alien visitors.

Though Clow UFO Base is currently under the control of aliens protesters, Armstrong insisted that the evictions were not a retaliatory response.

Zabz, president of the Americana Estates Interstellar Residents Association, disagreed:  “(Mayor Roger Claar) said we had to stop the protest or there would be consequences.  We have no control over the occupation.  That’s why we’re staying in our homes.  Now we have to leave.  Do you know what the penalty is for a visitor to be homeless?  Death!”

Golez, a 5-year resident, feels betrayed by Claar:  “He said he was going to move here, add android guards, and let us live here for the rest of our lives.  Everything he said was untrue!  I might have to hitchhike all the way to Hub 35 so I can get a ride home on a cargo ship.”

Sources close to opposition Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz claim he is working with the New World Order to secure homes for the displaced residents:

“I’m sure Peotone and Palatine would love to have our visitors,” said one anonymous source, who was referring to the bases that the NWO will start constructing this year.  “Honestly, Bob and I want all of our visitors to stay in Bolingbrook.  That’s not possible now.  We wouldn’t be in this mess if Roger had remained a loyal member of the NWO.  Instead, he had to join the Illuminati, and support Trump.  Now, look where we are.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was in an important meeting and could not be disturbed for a comment.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts said: “Charlene has been using the Bolingbrook STEM Association’s servers to make sock puppet accounts on Facebook.”

“I’m working on behalf of my client, Governor Rauner,” said Charlene.

“You were posting anti-Township propaganda in the Bolingbrook Politics group.”

“They’re such a waste of money and they drive up everyone’s property taxes.”

“You know I used to be a DuPage Township trustee, right?”

“I’m sorry, and now that you’re with us—”

“Charlene!” said a man who sounded like Claar.  “First of all, what is a sock puppet?”

“It’s an alternative persona.  I used several of them to persuade liberals and conservatives to unite against townships.  Let me demonstrate with this real sock puppet.  ‘I love Trump, I love corruption, and I love—’”

“I get the point,” Said the man who sounded like Claar.

“You’ve been naughty, Charlene,” said the man who sounded like Watts.  “The Bolingbrook First Party doesn’t need—”

“I got this, Sheldon.”

A few minutes later, the man who sounded like Claar said, “So you waged war against the DuPage Township?”

“Yes, and I also persuaded them to start reading Rauner’s alternative newspapers.  I explained that because there’s some truth in them, they’re just as valid as the so-called mainstream press.”

“That’s like saying because a broken clock is right twice a day, it’s just as valid as a working clock.”

“Huh?  Oh yeah.  That’s analog thinking.  I like it.”

“I guess that’s a compliment.  Anyway, they bought it?”

“Yes.”

“That’s impressive.  You’re still on my side, right?”

“Absolutely.  I’ve invested too much time and effort to back out now.”

“That’s good.  As you know, your parents made several donations to Heart Haven Outreach to pre-pay any fines I might have to impose on you.  I think it’s fair to use one, don’t you?”

“Yes.  Thank you.”

“Now, how do I get into the newspaper business?”

Also in the Babbler:

Former Representative Joe Walsh pranked by a space alien
Chicago scientists reject Michael Shermer’s application for immortality
Bolingbrook woman sees an image of James Randi at Meijer
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/18/18

Web Exclusive: New World Order awards UFO bases to Peotone and Palatine (Fiction)

By Reporter X

At a press conference in Joliet, The New World Order announced that it will build UFO Bases in Peotone and Palatine.  Both bases are expected to compete with Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, which has been controlled by the Illuminati since 2016.

Enhanced image of Peotone, IL. (Original by Teemu08)

“Will County may never get a major airport,” said County Board Speaker Jim Moustis, “But we are getting a new UFO base.  I think we’ll be the only county in the country with two bases.  Just think of all the tax revenue we’ll receive.  Oh, and we’ll also be one of the most important counties in the galaxy.  You can’t forget that.”

Moustis announced that District 4 Board Member Jackie Traynere will be in charge of the county’s new Interstellar Affairs Committee:  “I wanted to appoint someone from the Republican Party, but we couldn’t get around the fact that she worked the hardest to secure this base, and has the most experience dealing with our new taxpayers—I mean aliens.”

Traynere laughed and thanked Moustis:  “Our new base will allow us to reduce the tax burden on residents of Will County.  More importantly, it will allow the board to fully fund all of its public services.  Personally, I hope that we use the extra money to provide single-payer health insurance to our residents.  At the very least, it will provide the county with resources to survive the coming chaos President Trump is going to inflict upon our country.”

Moustis shook his head.

Christian Cairy, a former candidate for Will County Board, announced that he supported the new base. (That is why he decided to withdraw from the race.) He also added that the New World Order tried to get him thrown off the ballot.

“You didn’t need to forge that Democratic ballot, but I guess it worked out because I wanted out of the race.  (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) was creeping me out with his Illuminati rituals.  He wanted me to drink from the Cup of Chaos, then sign a contract using ink mixed with my blood, his blood, and the trustees’ blood.  Then Roger introduced me to an alien.  It wasn’t a little green man.  It looked disgusting.  Roger said if I swore allegiance to the Illuminati, the alien would take me on a trip to Uranus. Ew!  Anyway, The NWO promised to rewrite my memories so I can go back to being an ordinary Republican.  I can’t stand knowing that the Babbler was always right.”

Cairy asked that Traynere not miss any more meetings and promise not to impose taxes on Amazon purchases.  Traynere replied her new job should give her time to attend all the meetings, and that Amazon has been paying the Illinois sales tax since 2015.

NWO administrator Thomas Xavier announced that Palatine will also get a UFO Base.  While Peotone’s base will specialize in freight transport and warehousing, Palatine’s base will specialize in passenger service and cultural exchanges.

“For years, Cook County has begged us for a UFO base.  The problem is we didn’t want to deal with the Chicago political machine, but we couldn’t deny the advantages of a base located inside Cook County.  Then, it occurred to us that if we located the base in Palatine, it would still be in Cook County, but far enough away from Chicago that Rahm Emanuel’s influence would be limited.”

Xavier then said he had to leave to give Mayor Jim Schwantz the good news:  “I’m going to have to explain aliens and secret societies to him.  I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he learns the truth.  However, I don’t look forward to telling him that he won’t be able to tell Representative Peter Roskam about the base.”

Neither Claar nor Schwantz could be reached for comment.

A video chat request to Roskam was answered by an intern:  “Look, I don’t know if Peter is a Democrat or Republican, but I do know that there’s no such thing as UFOs.  Why don’t you cover the real news?  Like right now is the second time Peter has spoken with a resident on the campaign trail.  Do you know how rare that is?”

The camera turned to show Roskam talking to a man sitting in a wheelchair.

“Thank you for defending the Americans with Disabilities Act,” said the man.

Roskam smiled.  “It’s the least I could do since I’m taking away your health care and Social Security.  You’re welcome.”