Palatine police announced crackdown against anti-vaccine alien terrorists (Fiction)

Photo of an alleged anti-vaccination alien taken in Palatine.

By Reporter X

The Palatine Police Department’s Interstellar Division began a campaign to arrest and/or kill members of an alien anti-vaccine terrorist cell operating in the greater Palatine area.

Sheila Z. Blake, the head of the Interstellar Division, spoke during an interstellar press conference. She stated:

“These aliens aren’t just asking questions. They’re spreading deadly doubts among our Republican residents.  They’re not speaking propaganda in order to help Conservatives.  They’re trying to frighten us into extinction with their anti-vaccination propaganda.  Let’s be clear.  No humans means no Republican Party and no Village of Palatine!  We can’t have that.”

Officers displayed images of aliens they claim are members of the interstellar terrorist group KuKPu’K.  KuKPu’K operatives travel across the galaxy spreading anti-vaccine propaganda to dissuade sentient beings from receiving vaccines.  Once a civilization loses herd immunity, operatives will either release a deadly disease that has a vaccine or subvert efforts to provide vaccines to citizens against an existing pandemic.

In one of their holovids, shown at the press conference, a hooded leader insists they are doing the universe a favor:

“We are not anti-vaccine.  We are the vaccine against stupidity. Any species that refuses to vaccine its offspring against deadly diseases deserves extinction. Any species that believes RNA vaccines re-write DNA should not be allowed to reproduce.  Any species that believes in freedom and liberty without responsibility doesn’t deserve membership in the Interstellar Commonwealth.  You’re welcome!”

Blake also showed enhanced photos of aliens organizing protests against mask mandates and spreading false propaganda about COVID-19.  She then produced a doorbell camera video of an alien, disguised as a human, canvasing a subdivision in Palatine. The dialogue in the video went like this :

Alien: Good day human breeder, I mean parent.

Resident: Why shouldn’t I shoot you now?

Alien: Because I’m here to warn you about the COVID vaccine.

Resident:  You don’t have to warn me.  I watch Fox news.  I know it rewrites your DNA, with RNA—

Alien: Not to mention that it renders its victims unable to fire their guns, and implants Critical Race Theory in your mind.

Resident: That sounds right, therefore I know it’s right.  Why didn’t Fox News tell me?  Oh no, they’re in on it too!  I’ve got to buy another gun.  You are a true patriot!

Blake concluded by reminding the media that it is a capital offense for any human to knowingly conspire with KuKPu’K:

“We will investigate anyone suspected of being in league with KuKPu’K.” 

Blake then coughed in a way that sounded like she was saying “Aaron Del Mar. 

Palatine Township Highway Commissioner Aaron Del Mar, who participated in an anti-mask mandate rally in Palatine,  could not be reached for comment.

A receptionist for Palatine Mayor Jim Schwantz said he was attending an important meeting with the police union and could not be disturbed.

“We don’t have an interstellar division,” stated the receptionist.  “I think you need a permit to waste the mayor’s time with silly questions.  Let me check.”

In the background, a man said: “Let me get this straight.  If we take these two shots, they will strengthen our natural immunity against COVID?”

A man who sounded like Schwantz replied, “Yes.  Think of it as a pre-season training camp for team immunity.  The Dallas Cowboys and Chicago Bears don’t go into a season without a training camp. Now some politicians want you to take four injections of artificial antibodies—”

“We’re not going to let some politician replace our God-given immunity.  We’re going to take these immunity-boosting shots.  You may be a politician, your honor, but you’ve earned our trust.”

“Thanks,” Schwantz replied.  “If you can’t trust a Fremd graduate, who can you trust?”

Also in the Babbler:

Misogynistic Weredeer arrested for protesting International Daughters Day
Ghost pharaoh visits Bolingbrook’s village hall
DuPage Township sponsors Mercury trip for elderly aliens
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/1/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Palatine’s UFO base holds first Pride celebration (Fiction)

Hundreds of aliens and humans attended the first Pride celebration at Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base.  Despite the village having only days to organize the event, The staff of Sherman UFO Base declared the event a success.

“Somehow the aliens found out about Mayor Jim Schwantz’s Pride Month proclamation,” said Village Manager Reid Ottesen.  “Then they demanded a Pride month celebration on the base.  The mayor didn’t tell me he was going to write up and sign a Pride Month proclamation, so I was caught off guard.”

The “semi-family friendly” event featured concerts, skits, Pride-themed foods, and lively discussions.  Ottesen credited the event’s corporate sponsors for their help in organizing the activities.

Some attendees criticized the marketing of some of the activities, which they called “Rainbow Washing.” One of the worst examples cited was the re-enactment of the Stonewall Uprising.  A horrible scene in it had Marsha P. Johnson saying anachronistic and obviously fictional lines:

“We are tired of being blackmailed.  We are tired of being arrested.  We want to proudly add letters to our sexuality.  We want to post our pronouns on the Internet!  We are so mad that we want to fight.  I will start the uprising by throwing a brick.  But not just any brick.  I’m going to toss this brick from the KIC Construction company.  From Dyson Spheres to homes, KIC takes pride in its work and is proud to sell its services to all accepting civilizations!”

Other attendees found the event inspiring:

“My culture only recognizes one gender,” said Oostop, a citizen of the Mitosis Alliance.  “However I never identified with that gender.  I used to think I was broken, but thanks to this event, I know there are other beings like me. I can now seek out gender-affirming treatment and I will soon figure out my true gender identity.  Thanks, Palatine!”

Ottesen confirmed that Sherman UFO base will hold annual pride events, but didn’t know if the Village ever would.

“It’s really up to the residents.  I know that was unthinkable at one time, but who could have thought that the Village of Barrington would recognize Pride Month?  Anything is possible.”

A receptionist for Schwantz confirmed that he signed a Pride proclamation:

“Can you not make a big deal about it?  We don’t want to make (State Representative Tom Morrison) even angrier than he is now.  It must hurt knowing that your hometown rejects your bigotry.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Schwantz, said: “I just wanted to let you know that I wrote up that proclamation you requested.”

A man who sounded like politician Joe Walsh replied: “Great!  I’ll pick it up at the next meeting!”

“Oh I won’t mention it at the meeting,” replied Schwantz.  “I wrote it and filed it in my draft documents folder like I do with other questionable proclamation requests.”

“But—”

“You should feel fortunate that I wrote anything for ‘National Unemployed Radio Talk Show Host Day.’”

“Jim!  You’ve got to help me.  Okay, maybe a proclamation wasn’t the best idea.  I’ve got another one!  You can help me get a radio show on WBBM!  I could learn how to talk about the Bears.  This is a great idea.  I can be on the radio and still hate Trump!”

“I think you’re addicted to being a radio talk show host.  You should get help for that.”

Also in the Babbler:

Flying pyramid appears at Cavalcade of Planes
Wereskunks to premiere ‘litter art’ to celebrate Pride Month
Village retires Mayor Claar’s android double
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/10/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Chicagoland’s UFO bases revaluate using ‘skeptics’ as UFO sightings skyrocket (Fiction)

A decloaked UFO flies over Palatine.

By Reporter X

Rising public interest in both UFOs and Unidentified Aerial Phenomena is forcing Chicagoland’s three UFO bases to revaluate their staff of professional skeptics.

“We’re in a debunking crisis,” said Theresa Z. Theil, Director of Concealment Operations for  Peotone UFO Base.  60 Minutes is taking UFOs seriously.  The government is about to issue an unclassified report on UAPs.  Ex-government officials can’t keep their mouths shut.  Meanwhile, we can’t find enough people to hold a SkeptiCamp.”

According to an Ipsos poll from 2020, 45% of US residents believe UFOs are real and have visited the Earth.  Public belief in UFOs started declining in 2014, and many UFO interest groups folded by 2018. Then sightings increased in 2019, skyrocketed in 2020, and are still increasing.  

Experts within the New World Order and Illuminati blame the increase on people having more free time during the pandemic, aliens disregarding stealth protocols, the decline of the skeptical and New Atheists movement after 2011, and the War between the Illuminati and the New World Order.

Reid Ottesen, Palatine Village Manager and Director of Rob Sherman UFO Base explained: “Both sides are building UFO Bases, but both sides aren’t coordinating their coverup efforts.  Additionally, it didn’t help when the Committee for Skeptical Inquiry defected from the New World Order to the Illuminati.  I’m still trying to hire replacement skeptics, and I’m offering more than $15 an hour.”

Ottesen hopes stricter enforcement and improved cloaking technology will help Sherman UFO Base maintain a low percentage of sightings.  According to Ottesen, he’s already doubled the number of disciplinary hearings from 2020:

“Yesterday, I fined three crews for reckless piloting.  Not only were they sighted, but Patch mentioned them.  Sure these were steep fines, and we now have liens on their ships, but they deserve it for flying uncloaked for ten minutes with their landing lights on!”

Ottesen hopes that YouTube and Skepchick’s newly reorganized diplomatic corp will restore Palatine’s debunking efforts.

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base has its own staff of skeptics, as well as representatives from The Skeptics Society, and Committee for Skeptical Inquiry.  Clow spokesperson Donna K. Smith says Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta will be conducting a “routine reevaluation” of Clow’s debunking protocols:

“Because Clow is the largest urban UFO base in the world, we are constantly innovating our public concealment efforts.  That may or may not reduce our reliance on contract skeptics.”

Despite officials denials, the Babbler managed to obtain an email from Alexander-Basta to CFI and the Skeptics Society demanding improvements:

“It’s very clear to me that your skeptics are suffering from severe mission drift.  They seem to think their mission is to protect Western Civilization from ‘Wokeness,” when they should be covering up security breaches.  From what I’ve seen, they’re doing both jobs poorly.  I doubt they could have covered up the illegal UFO base that was in South Elgin. Maybe I should hire PZ Myers instead.”

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she wasn’t working that day and was unreachable.

In the background, a man who looked like DuPage Township Supervisor Gary Marschke approached Covert Social Media Advisor Charlene Spencer.

“I knew I would find you here,” said Marschke.  “You’re using the waiting area as your second office.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.  I am but a humble constituent, who just happens to be eight hours early for her scheduled meeting with the mayor,” said Spencer.

“Do you really think I’m that foolish?” asked Marschke. “Don’t answer that.  I just need to know if your lackeys sent out fake texts to voters telling them that we were going to abolish the township?”

“Maybe.”

“Maybe isn’t good enough.  I want to know why you lied.  You know we campaigned on adding services, not abolishing the township.  Can you at least come clean about your lies?”

“I neither confirmed nor denied that I lied, or that I bought the same list of registered voters that you bought.”

“I’ve only been in office a few days, and I’m already sick of your billionaire client and you.  Why does he hate townships?  Is it because we help people?”

“Yes,” replied Charline

“Yes?”

“Yes.  He hates townships because they help desperate people, and my client needs desperate people who will accept desperation wages so my client can use the savings to buy the yacht that he desperately wants.”

“I think your client desperately needs the mental health services we’re going to provide our residents.”

Also in the Babbler:

Babbler staff offers its condolences to Mayor Alexander-Basta
Bolingbrook resident attacked by sentient algae in a swimming pool
Aliens arrested for hoarding lumber
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/28/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Palatine Township Highway Commissioner to buy ‘Anti-ANTIFA’ Vehicles (Fiction)

Will the Palatine Township Highway Commissioner buy three of these M1150 vehicles? (U.S. Marine Corps photo by Cpl. Jeff Drew/Released)

According to sources within Palatine Township, Highway Commissioner Aaron Del Mar plans on buying three M1150 Assault Breacher Vehicles to “combat ANTIFA.”

“Palatine Township Residents see reports about ANTIFA every day on Fox News,” said one of the sources.  “We’re buying these vehicles, at a discount, to reassure our voters—I mean residents—that we will not ignore their fears, no matter how unfounded they are.”

ANTIFA, which stands for anti-fascist, is a movement consisting of activists and cells who actively oppose the fascist movement.  It is not a formal organization, and there is no leadership structure.  While most members’ activities are limited to identifying fascists online, the ones confronting fascists at demonstrations get the most publicity.  According to the ADL, there has only been one murder that is possibly connected to ANTIFA.

M1150 vehicles are used by the US Military to clear landmines and improvised explosive devices. They have seen extensive use in Afghanistan.

Despite no instances of ANTIFA using roadside bombs in the United States, the sources insist the M1150 vehicles are vital to the defense of Palatine Township’s 18 miles of roads.  One of the sources, Amy, blames the Cook County Democratic Party for “endangering” Palatine Township:

“We’re under attack by Democrats!  They’re threatening to remove our candidates from office, placing signs in people’s yards, and knocking on our doors!  If we don’t stop them, they’ll raise our taxes, turn the Highway Commissioner into an appointed position, and offer assistance to residents who rent!  The Republicans have run this township for decades.  The Democrats might have imposed (Representative Sean Casten) on us, but they can’t impose their will on our township!”

Matt Flamm, the Democratic Candidate for Highway Commissioner, denied Amy’s allegations:  

“Taxes are already too high.  We’re not going to raise them.  We might even lower them if an independent audit determines we could save money by eliminating the Highway Commissioner’s office as a taxing body.  One less tax to pay!  As for that tank claim:  I don’t know if that’s true, but I promise you, as the last Palatine Township Highway Commissioner, I will not waste taxpayer funds on military equipment!”

Palatine Township Highway Commissioner Aaron Del Mar

An associate of Del Mar, who asked not to be identified, denied there were any plans to buy M1150 vehicles. He said during a video call:  “While you’re making up false charges, Aaron is promising to save taxpayers’ money.  That’s what really matters.  Just watch him speak to this legitimate voter!”

In the video, Del Mar stood six feet away from a front door, talking to a resident.

“So,” said Del Mar.  “I understand that you saw my debate with that guy, and have a question.  Ask away.”

“Yeah,” replied a woman.  “I have a big question.  What the (expletive deleted) is organic brine?  It sounds like you’re buying overpriced saltwater from Whole Foods.”

Del Mar laughed, then said: “It’s brine with beet juice.  I may be a Republican, but I’m always willing to use environmental terms.”

“But calling it—”

“I understand your confusion.  Not everyone has a degree in Public and Environmental Management from Indiana University.  Plus I’m an accomplished businessman, Republican Committeeman, and athlete as well as a family man.”

“Wow!”  replied the woman.  “Being Highway Commissioner leaves you with too much free time.”

Del Mar laughed again:  “Yes, because I do my job efficiently and I have so much energy!  Look at me.  If it weren’t for the Cook County Democrats, we wouldn’t have an election because I am the most overqualified Highway Commissioner in the history of township highway commissioners.  Everyone in Palatine Township should thank God that I am in charge!”

The woman slammed the door.

“But I’ll accept your vote instead.”

Also in the Babbler:

Accept no substitute: Babbler endorses Bolingbrook United’s slate
Time for a clean slate: Babbler endorses DuPage Township Democrats
No more elected trolls: Babbler endorses D211 ACT slate
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/1/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Chicagoland’s UFO bases reopen (Fiction)

By Reporter X

All three of Chicagoland’s UFO Bases officially reopened last week after 100% of their employees received the COVID-19 vaccine from Venus.

Clow UFO Base

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base held a “Grand Reopening Rave” to celebrate.

Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta welcomed the staff back to Clow by reading a letter cosigned by both her and Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar. It stated:  “Thanks to the ingenious leadership of my predecessor, Roger Claar, Clow is safely open for business and Bolingbrook is once again the most important village in the galaxy. This makes me the most important mayor in the galaxy. Fnord!”

“You’re actually the acting mayor,” interrupted Trustee Sheldon Watts, a member of the Bolingbrook Independent Voices party and candidate for Mayor.

“Only until I beat you in the April 6TH election,” said Alexander-Basta.

Alexander-Basta also thanked the “Doomsday Crew” who were sealed inside Clow for months before evacuating to the Moon last November. She said: “I want to thank everyone one of you for your sacrifices.  Crew members like Jill, who has been separated from her husband all this time.  So Jill, how did it go when you finally reunited with your husband?”

Jill replied:  “He served me with divorce papers after I told him I was pregnant and he did the math.  Hey, I was just doing my duty to repopulate Bolingbrook.”

Alexander-Basta replied: “I’m glad that you put Bolingbrook first, which just happens to be the philosophy of the First Party for Bolingbrook.”

After the speeches, DuPage Township Trustee Dennis Raga started playing dance music.  As the music played, Raga said:  “Some people say vaccines will save DuPage Township.  Vaccines are good, but we’re going to save it with booze, boobs, and EDM!  Say it with me.  Booze!  Boobs!  EDM!”

A woman who resembled DuPage Township Clerk candidate Deborah Williams replied: “Screw that.  Get with the times, Dennis.  Purge the Left!  Stop the Steal!  Troll them all!”

Alexander-Basta walked up to her and said: “Can you please not say that?  You’re supposed to be part of the We Care Team.”

The woman said: “Caring is for commies!  We’re officially known as the DuPage Township Freedom First Slate!  Now stop bugging me, or my friend Lyn will post about you!”

Peotone UFO Base

Peotone UFO Base held a short opening ceremony.  Will County Board member Jackie Traynere, who is also a candidate for Bolingbrook Mayor, addressed the staff:

“I’m proud that I was able to secure the Venus vaccine for all the UFO bases in Chicagoland.  I’m also proud to announce that a portion of revenue from Peotone will fund our CARES act grant program.  We may be divided by political party, municipalities, townships, and secret society memberships, but we are all united as Will County residents.  If I happen to be elected the Mayor of Bolingbrook, I will unite both of our great UFO bases!”

Rob Sherman UFO Base

Instead of a celebration, Rob Sherman UFO Base in Palatine offered each alien visitor on opening day a free human suit and coupons.

“We need each of you to shop in Palatine,” said Village Manager Reid Ottesen.  “Each purchase you make will help a local business, and make it easier for me to keep our mayor distracted!  Just promise to keep the sonic booms to a minimum when you fly away, okay?”

“Where are the dispensaries?” asked an alien.

“I’ll tell you, but only if you promise to buy your munchies in Palatine,” said Ottesen.

“Deal!” said the alien, “I can’t wait to consume lots of chips and dip.”

“Leave some for the residents.”

Also in the Babbler:

Some Kansas City Chief fans demand the NFL ‘fix’ Super Bowl LV
Snow Command blames Russians for blocking driveway with snow
Sources: Bolingbrook considering Iowa travel ban
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/10/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Peace talks breakdown between Palatine’s werecoyotes and weredogs (Fiction)

A meeting between Palatine’s werecoyotes and weredogs to end recent coyote attacks against dogs ended in a brawl.  The Palatine Police Paranormal Task Force and the Cook County Department of Cryptozoological Management arrested ten participants for rioting and illegal coyote hunting.

“While we appreciate that some of our local weredog residents tried to help,” said Sheila Z. Blake, spokesperson for the Palatine Police Department, “We will not tolerate rioting in our village. It’s almost as bad as protesting against us!”

According to a few weredogs and werecoyotes, who asked not to be named, both sides agreed to talk following the death of two dogs in Palatine.  Both sides agreed that the talks were friendly at first.  However, they disagreed on where things went wrong.

One of the weredogs blamed the werecoyotes:  “We said their cousins were bad because they killed two of our cousins.  They accused us of being colonizers and said we should teach our cousins not to bark at them.  Barking is a choice between a dog and its human alpha.  They shouldn’t take that choice away.”

A werecoyote offered a different version:  “We were here first.  If humans didn’t want to deal with us, then you shouldn’t have built your homes here.  If anything, our cousins are trying to be good neighbors.  We hunt rodents and other small animals.  It’s sad that two dogs died, but what about astronauts in orbit?  This is how you play ‘what about,’ right?”

Cynthia, a Palatine resident who asked that we not use her last name, witnessed some of the fighting:

“Those two monsters crashed through my back fence and destroyed my swing set.  The dog-like one accused the coyote-like one of threatening his girlfriend.  The coyote-like one accused her of threatening her pups and said something about the Second Amendment.  I pulled out my AR and started shooting at them.  The bullets didn’t harm them.  The coyote-like one said something about me being a loud human and ran off.  The dog-like one started jumping up and down and bragged about beating up the coyote.  I told him he was a bad dog for damaging my property, and he should go home.  Then he changed into a giant dog.  He whimpered, lowered his tail, and ran away.  I thought things like this only happened in Bolingbrook.”

A receptionist for Mayor Jim Schwantz said the Mayor was busy and could not be disturbed:

“You should be writing about how our region just moved to Tier 2 mitigation instead.”

In the background, a man said: “Your honor, because of the new police reforms, chokeholds will be banned, suspects won’t be jailed based on their ability to pay, and people will be able to file anonymous complaints against us.”

“Just like people can file complaints against hairstylists!” said another man.

“This is too much!  If you don’t persuade the governor to veto this bill, we won’t protect Palatine!”

“Can’t.”

“Can’t?  Oh!  Oops!  What I really meant to say is that if these reforms are passed, we can’t protect Palatine.”

“I don’t know about that,” said a man who sounded like Mayor Jim Schwantz.  “The Dallas Cowboys won a Super Bowl with Barry Switzer as the head coach.  I doubt this bill will be as much of a burden for you officers as Coach Wishbone was for my team.”

Also in the Babbler:

Doomsday Crew returns to Clow UFO Base
Palatine, Peotone, and Clow UFO bases set to reopen on 2/1/21
COVID Vaccines also provide immunity from zombie viruses
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/22/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Martian Colonies send ‘peacekeepers’ to Illinois (Fiction)

UFO

File photo of a UFO over Bolingbrook.

By Reporter X

Thousands of Martian Colonial marines landed in Illinois as part of a “peacekeeping force” to protect Earth’s UFO bases.

A statement from the colonial government read: “The humans who follow the orange god-emperor are threatening to perform a mass sacrifice in his honor.  Therefore it is prudent that we send peacekeepers to Earth to protect our visitors to our primitive neighbor.”

Acting Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta greeted the marines at the Martian Colonial base built on the former site of Old Chicago.  She thanked them for their protection and their offer to disinfect Clow UFO Base before its planned reopening in February:

“We appreciate your protection against the divisiveness threatening our community,” said Alexander-Basta.  “As long as you don’t harm any good residents, you can stay as long as you want.”

Trustee Sheldon Watts, who is a candidate for mayor in the April Consolidated election, argued with Alexander-Basta:  “I don’t care if they’re the most advanced civilization in the galaxy.  You shouldn’t be surrendering our sovereignty to them.  Only a trustee-mayor abomination like you would think that’s a good idea!”

“Are you going to do anything about it?” asked Alexander-Basta.

“No,” replied Watts.

Peotone Mayor Peter March said he was surprised by the arrival of the marines:

“They think they can just drop by and set up a military base without my permission.  Well, I guess they can.  I just wish they would have been polite about it and let me know first.  Now I have to rework our zoning map and hope no one notices.”

Reid Ottesen, the Palatine Village Manager said he was informed of the deployment in advance, and made arrangements to station the troops under the METRA station:

“Thanks to the New World Order, we were able to get Starbucks to move out of the station so we could use the space to tunnel under the station.  I know some residents aren’t happy about that, but they would have been unhappier with the original plan.  I’m not worried though.  Rob Sherman UFO Base will have extra protection, and the Colonial government promised to open a new coffee store to cover up the entrance to their base.  I just hope it’s safe for human consumption.”

Palatine Mayor Jim Schwantz then entered the video chat and said, “What’s going on?”

“I’m just telling this reporter that our village board is doing such a great job that all the incumbents, including you, will be unopposed in the upcoming election.”

“That’s right.  And this Fremd graduate did it without a political party or a bloated campaign fund.”

Representative Adam Kinzinger greeted troops as they arrived at Hub 35 in Rochelle:

“I’ve had to hide out here since I posted that video.  Good thing I didn’t succeed when I tried to shut down Hub 35. Kidding.  You know, Trump forgot the 12th Commandment.  Thou shalt not kill your fellow Republican!  The only bright spot is that there’s finally a notable difference between Jeanne Ives and myself.  That will help when I run for governor!”

Zlogot, an alien resident who lives in Creston, IL, is pleased that Martian Colonial troops are in Illinois:

“Trump is like a drug that makes humans forget about germ theory and suppresses their empathy.  Now I can fly my modified golf cart around and not worry about being shot at because I have a Biden bumper sticker!”

Also in the Babbler:

Clow UFO Base ‘Doomsday Crew’ survives receiving the Venus COVID vaccine
Lisle’s trees approve candidates for the April election
Aliens will be able to abduct Bolingbrook residents starting in May
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/12/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Village of Palatine fines UFO for displaying political ad over early voting site (Fiction)

A UFO displays an ad for State Representative Tom Morrison.

By Reporter X

The Village of Palatine fined a UFO crew for displaying a political ad for State Representative Tom Morrison while hovering over its early voting site. 

“We don’t care if your spacecraft is 100 feet from the pooling place or 1 foot,” said Juan Z. Stevens, a spokesperson for Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base.  “Visitors are not allowed to display political ads that are visible from a Palatine polling place.”

According to eyewitnesses, the UFO displayed its Morrison ad intermittently while hovering over the site.  Experts believe that one person out of ten waiting in line to vote might have seen the craft.

Corey, a Palatine resident, was one of them:  “I was going to vote for Tom anyway, but seeing his ad on an alien spacecraft made me feel better about my vote.  If aliens don’t think women should have equal rights, then Tom has an alien mind!”

Palatine resident Paula also saw the ad:  “That ad made me mad because that means there are homophobic aliens up there.  You can be a bigoted (expletive deleted) even if you’re from another world.”

Claudia Z. Marshal, a lawyer for the UFO Crew, says her clients plan on contesting the fine:

“My clients do not recognize the New World Order’s claim over Palatine’s air space.  They only acknowledge Clow UFO Base’s jurisdiction over all of Chicagoland. Clow, as most people know, is controlled by the Illuminati.  The Illuminati allows its visitors to display UFO ads, and Bolingbrook actively encourages the practice.  Palatine has no right to extort money from my clients!”

Marshal claims that the Morrison campaign is threatening to sue her clients over the ads:

“Yes, my clients changed the text of the ad from ‘tax fighter’ to ‘tax cut fighter.’  It was a simple misunderstanding because Representative Morrison opposes a law that will give 97% of Illinois residents a tax cut.  My client’s contact is clear.  No refunds, no matter how rich your supporters are.”

A campaigner staffer said Morrison was busy meeting with voters and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Morrison said: “While you’re waiting to vote, I’d like to introduce myself.”

“I know who you are.  I’m your opponent, Maggie Trevor.”

“That won’t stop me from lecturing you.”

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base referred all questions about the incident to Bolingbrook’s mayor. 

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said she was busy and could not be disturbed:

“Please tell your readers to wear a mask so we can reopen our bars and restaurants.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts yelled:  “Mayor Mary may be a trustee mayor abomination, but I forbid you to call her that!”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said: “Come on!  All the cool bots are doing it in Bolingbrook Politics. If you want to become the next mayor, you have to trust me.  You’re nice, but you can’t out-nice Mayor Mary.  You have to let me go QAnon on her.  You don’t how much trouble I went through to get access to the triple code.”

“I don’t care.  I can’t let you make such a vile and false accusation against a fellow trustee.”

“You’ve got it all wrong.  Thanks to Elon Musk, ‘pedo’ is legally considered a generic insult, like (expletive deleted).  We can’t help it if some voters jump to the wrong conclusion.”

“You’re using the abuse and exploitation of children to bully your political enemies.”

“And?”

Also in the Babbler:

Space Force to expose its troops to COVID-19
Trump threatens to sell Chicagoland to Canada.
Village to produce ‘Snowy the Bolingbrook Skunk’ movie
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/30/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Palatine proposes haunted parking lot for early voting site (Fiction)

Update:  Since this article was published, the Village of Palatine announced that the early voting site will be at 150 W. Wilson Street:

Early voting will take place from 10/19/20 to 11/2/20, with hours of 9 AM – 7 PM Monday through Friday and 9 AM – 5 PM on weekends.

Our sources also tell us that the ghosts residing in the building agreed not to scare or spy on voters.

Original article:

According to sources, the Village of Palatine will use a haunted parking lot for their early voting location.

Located on the corner of N. Smith Street and W. Colfax Street, the parking lot is allegedly home to at least one ghost.  According to the Palatine Patch, sometime during World War II, a factory worker was killed by a car near this intersection.  Some residents, like Phil, claim that the intersection is haunted by that worker:

“Every evening, I see a man with a lunch box crossing the street.  I know it’s that ghost.  Sometimes he changes his face and disguises the lunch bucket as a briefcase or cell phone, but he can’t fool me!”

Despite the presence of the infamous ghost, the village will offer the adjacent parking lot to the Cook County Clerk as an early voting location.  The village will offer an open tent, but the county will be expected to staff the site and devise a way to ensure each voter’s privacy.

According to a member of the Village Manager’s staff, the parking lot is the only acceptable location left in Palatine: “The room we used to use in Village Hall is too cramped.  Using the Police Department is apparently too intimidating for some residents.  So we’re using a parking lot and that’s it.  If you’re afraid of ghosts, that’s too bad!  What’s there to be afraid of?  They’re dead, and you can walk through them.”

Joyce, a long time Palatine resident, believes that ghosts are a threat to some residents:  “If you have a heart condition, being startled by a ghost can kill you.  Ghosts also remind people of their own mortality.  Knowing that a polling place is haunted might discourage some voters, and that would be bad.  We need a safe and secure early voting site in Palatine.  I don’t want to spend election day stuck in a long line to enter a crowded room, only to have my ballot tossed because some inexperienced election judge forgot to initial my ballot.”

Stephanie, another long time resident of Palatine, isn’t concerned about voting in a haunted parking lot:  “I’m pretty sure that the Cook County Clerk’s office has ways of dealing with ghosts.  After all, it’s likely that every building in Chicago is haunted.”

A receptionist for Village Hall said that Village Manager Reid Ottesen was busy and could not be disturbed.  

In the background, a person who sounded like Ottesen, said: “What are you reading?”

A man who sounded like Mayor Jim Schwantz said: “My producers sent these pre-written obituaries for every member of the Chicago Bears.  All my years in the NFL taught me that you can never be too prepared!”

Also in the Babbler:

Wererats to perform at Bolingbrook’s Wednesday Concert Series
Hidden Lakes Monster rescues toddler from drowning
Full Contact Gospel Church to hold ‘Sparing for Jesus’ demonstration
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/26/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Space Force attacks Chicagoland UFO Bases and aliens (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Content notice:  References to Fascism.

The United States Space Force launched a surprise attack against Chicagoland’s three UFO Bases in Bolingbrook, Palatine, and Peotone.  All three bases reported heavy damage, but no causalities.  The attack lasted for three hours before President Trump declared victory and ordered an end to the attack.

A Space Force press release said the attack was part of Operation Shattered Glass:

“This morning, Space Force launched a successful operation against Space Antifa and the far Left Mayors who refused to stand up to them.  The alien anarchists have suffered a massive defeat due to the ingenious tactics of President Donald Trump.  He is the leader of the best humans and the best civilization in the Universe.  Let those who oppose his greatness suffer greatly!  MAGA.”

The alien media encampment near Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base suffered the heaviest damage.  According to sources, five hypersonic missiles hit the base, and Space Force Interceptors attacked UFOs belonging to interstellar media organizations.

“I told them I was a pilot with the Galactic News Thoughtwork,” said Algotoc.  “Their response was to lock their weapons on me and fire.  Let me tell you, they can sure pack a punch against a civilian ship.  I was lucky that I didn’t crash into downtown Barrington. Before I reached the landing bay, the (Space Force pilot) apologized for failing to send us ‘fake news’ beings to hell.”

Interceptors from Rob Sherman UFO Base eventually chased away the Space Force craft. The Palatine Aliens Affairs Unit convinced residents that the explosions were illegal fireworks.

Space Force bombers also attacked one of Peotone’s landing bays, rendering it inoperable:

“They hit just as the force fields were recycling,” said Dockworker Peter Z. Stevens.  “We had enough power to save the crew, but not enough to protect the cargo containers.  Those (expletive deleted) bombers just set back 10G deployment in Chicago by 20 years!”

Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere was at Peotone during the attack but was unharmed.  She released a statement to the interstellar media:

“You can drop incendiary bombs near me, and you can make incendiary remarks about me on social media all you want.  I will always be anti-fascist, and I will always believe that black lives matter!” 

Space Force troops used their base in Bolingbrook to launch an attack against Clow UFO Base, which is currently sealed off due to the COVID-19 pandemic.  Members of the so-called “Doomsday Crew,” who remain sealed inside Clow, reported they had received messages from Space Force troops demanding to be let in to stop the “Antifa riots” inside:

“There were no rioters inside,” said a crew member who asked to remain anonymous.  “We don’t get to say that every day at Clow UFO Base.  Anyway, we’ve had some aliens kneel for about nine minutes to protest the death of George Floyd.”

The crew member later added, “Before I was sealed inside Clow, being anti-fascist was considered a moral position, and stopping the spread of deadly infectious diseases was a no-brainer.  Now I look outside and wonder if the world is burning just like a Reichstag fire?”

The crew confirmed that although parts of Clow were “compromised,” the attackers didn’t reach the crew.  Clow’s automated defenses and Men in Blue were able to stop the Space Force’s advance.  Members who spoke to this reporter say the plan is to disinfect those areas of Clow and reseal them.

Sources within the Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs agree that Trump called off the attack after talking to Claar.  Claar explained that the Interstellar Commonwealth, the New World Order, and the Illuminati could consider the attacks to be an act of war.  Claar then explained that the Commonwealth’s military could obliterate everyone one of his properties in seconds, and both secret societies could wipe out all of his wealth as well.  Trump still hesitated to call off the attack until Claar offered to host the 2020 Republican National Convention at Bolingbrook High School.

Claar allegedly asked:  “What do you have to lose?”

Bolingbrook officials privately are not sure how Bolingbrook High School will be able to host the Republican National Convention.  One official did say: “We’ll try our best, and when things go wrong, Roger will blame (Bolingbrook Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz).”

When reached for comment, Claar replied:  “I have a message for the roaming gangs of looters.  You can take my restaurants.  You can take my stores, but you will never take my Golf Club!”

Also in the Babbler:

Ghosts join protesters in Chicago
Mayor Claar orders all weredeer removed from Bolingbrook
Naperville police fail to arrest Mothman rioter
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/4/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.