Wereskunks canvass Bolingbrook for Republican candidates (Fiction)

Many Bolingbrook residents claim to have met weresunks canvassing for Republican candidates.

Dolly, (not her real name) said two weresunks knocked on her door.  According to her, one of them said, “(Congressman) Bill Foster stinks, and you stink if you support him.”

The other one said, “I’ll mark your house so everyone will know you’re a stinking Foster voter.”

“I told them I was going to call the police,” said Dolly.  “I swear, one of them turned in to a 10-foot tall man-skunk with sharp claws.  It said calling the police was the wrong answer.  I slammed the door and locked it.  It sprayed the door and the front yard!  I thought tiny skunks were bad.”  Dolly added that she had to spend a fortune on peroxide, baking soda, and liquid detergent to deodorize her home.

Shannon encountered another group of wereskunk canvassers while walking home:  “They shoved a flyer in my hand and said I should vote for Alyssia Benford for State Representative.  I said she should fix the mess she helped make at the DuPage Township before fixing the mess in Springfield.”

According to Shannon, the canvassers confessed to being wereskunks, and they were really working on behalf of Mayor Roger Claar.  The wereskunks said that if the Republicans swept all of the races on the November Ballot, Claar would continue to ban garbage toters.  Garbage bags were more manageable for their cousins to open than garbage toters.

Shannon added, “One of them dropped his pants and turned around.  He said he would spray me if I didn’t vote for Benford.  I ran away.  I didn’t know what they would do if I told them that Jackie Traynere was running unopposed.”

Shannon also claimed that she heard the wereskunks chant: “Vote for Benford.  Vote for Claar.  Let our scent fill the air!”

An anonymous Will County Republican Party Official denied the wereskunks were working for the party.  “You guys are the pioneers of fake news.  Well, after we win all of our elections, the public will never trust the liberal media again.”

A person in the background sobbed and said, “It’s hopeless.  We’re going to be wiped out in November, and our donors will demand a refund!”

“Shut up!” snapped the Republican official.  “(Senator Rand Paul) is going to Russia to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

A member of the Foster campaign said she wasn’t worried about the wereskunks: “I can say this now that the canvassers have left.  Our only worry is when I’ll be able to sing my new song at the victory party.”

She started singing, “We’re gonna ride the blue wave” to the melody of “Wipeout.”

An aide to Claar denied the existence of wereskunks:  “Really, guys?  Wereskunks?”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said:   “I’m calling you today because you’re a loyal Republican, just like me.  You’ve always supported our party no matter what. This election, supporting our party means supporting Congressman Dan Lipinski.  We need—What?  You’re still voting for Arthur Jones?  He’s a neo-Nazi.  Since our party couldn’t agree on a write-in candidate, you might as well vote for Dan.  He voted with Trump 45 percent of the time this year.  Wait!  What do you mean you want to own a liberal?”

Also in the Babbler

Village urges calm as Martian Colonial battleship hovers over Clow UFO Base
New World Order surveys Palatine for UFO Base sites
FBI destroys ‘compromising’ photo of Rep. Roskam in a map room
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/8/18

Carrier lawsuit update (Non-fiction)

  1. PZ Myers has a video update and post about Richard Carrier’s lawsuit:

Hey! Have you been wondering what’s going on with the Carrier lawsuit? I can’t tell you. It’s mostly secret.

I can tell you though, that he has a new friend with money.

And we still need more money.

This has been going for about two years. I honestly think people would have forgotten about his resignation from FTB if had never filed this lawsuit.

Since this lawsuit isn’t going away for awhile, please consider donating to the legal defense fund.

Mayor Claar locks down Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

UFOIn a surprise announcement, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar locked down Clow UFO Base for the next two weeks.

“This is for the safety of all our visitors,” said Claar.  “This is for many reasons.  We’ve received reports of nonspecific but credible threats to visiting aliens.  We are also concerned about rising tensions between Bolingbrook and Naperville—Tensions that I feel are being stoked by an anonymous Facebook page.  Intelligence officials are also warning about disruptive individuals moving into our neighboring suburbs.  So, as mayor and head administrator of Clow UFO Base, I am confining all of our visitors until I deem outside conditions safe.”

Oigoply, a resident of Proxima Centauri, denounced the confinement: “I came all the way to  Bolingbrook just to try Ko Sushi.  Now I’m stuck here.”

Loigdee, a resident of Barnard’s Star 3, was also disappointed: “I was upset when the WeatherTech store at Clow closed.  Now I find out that I can’t go to the factory store.  I really wanted to buy a dozen floor protectors before my trip to Venus.  The locals love eating them. Roger’s actions are going to have a negative effect on the interplanetary economy.  I thought those huge tax cuts were going to help grow businesses, not shrink them.”

Clow officials denied that the lockdown was an attempt to depress turnout at both the Chicago March to the Polls on January 20 and the Naperville March to the Polls rally on January 21:

“Why would we want to affect the turnout for an unpopular event that will give our visitors the impression that Trump is unpopular and that Democrats have a chance to win the Illinois Sixth Congressional District?”

When called, a receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “So you need a job?  I heard that Francesca’s is hiring waiters.  You’d have to shave—What?  You want to work for me as a consultant?  Why would I take your advice?  You lost an Alabama Senate seat to the Democrat Party.  What?  You say you can help me?  Help me do what?  Hand over control of the Village Board to the Bolingbrook United Party?  Really?  You and what billionaire are going to drive me out of office?”

Also in the Babbler:

Sam’s Club closes store inside Clow UFO Base
Mayor Claar will tweet to his 584 followers if there is a fake nuclear warning
Bolingbrook fights back against Russian snow attack
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/18/18

The Mayors of Bolingbrook: Robert Schanks (1968) (Fiction)

The year was 1968, the year after the summer of love. Residents were falling in love with their new homes. Visitors flocked to Bolingbrook to read the “far out” stories in the Babbler. Publisher John Olson loved his expanding staff, and the Babbler’s new office across from Totura’s foods.

Nineteen-sixty-eight was also the year of violence and chaos. Inside Bolingbrook, space hippies tired to corrupt the minds of our children. Outside, unsavory elements edged on by communist mind control satellites, rioted in the streets of Chicago. Young people turned to crime, rock music, and drugs. 

Bolingbrook residents demanded order. Bolingbrook’s politicians delivered: They founded the first police department in 1968. Trustee Robert Schanks then led a rebellion against Village President Jack Leonard to buy a new police car.

Then later in the year, Schanks unleashed Bolingbrook’s ultimate tool for law and order. He introduced it during his first and only in-depth interview with the Babbler.

Village President Schanks unveils the Men in Blue!
A Bolingbrook Babbler exclusive!

We were warned to expect something unusual when Village President Robert Schanks summed us in for an exclusive. So we hid one reporter in his office while another reporter conducted the interview. As you will see, our hidden reporter came out with the story Schanks doesn’t want you to read!

(Update 2017: Revision based on a clearer copy of the original issue.)

Schanks: Thank you for coming here on short notice.

Reporter: No problem. I’ve always wanted to interview you, but you never returned my calls!

Schanks: Are you the one who calls around midnight?

Reporter: You bet. Because you never take my calls at work, before work, during dinner, after dinner–

Schanks: I get the picture.

Reporter: So, is it true that the Bolingbrook police will be given special training to deal with the local space hippie commune?

Schanks (chuckles): No. I have something better.

(Two men, wearing blue sunglasses and blue suits walk into the office.)

Reporter: Wow. Those are some far out suits!

Schanks: Behold! The Men in Blue. They are Bolingbrook’s newest weapon against alien criminals and those who would expose Clow UFO base.

Reporter: Um, I think the suits are cool, but don’t you think they would stand out… Especially around all the corn fields? Won’t people start asking questions, and then turn to the Babbler for answers?

Schanks: Of course they’ll stand out. It’s so they’ll distract residents from the Girls in Green.

Reporter: Girls in Green?

Schanks: Enough about the Girls in Green! Ask me about the Men in Blue.

Reporter: Um, OK. What are these Men in Blue?

Schanks: They’re prototypes for the next generation of Men in Black. The Bilderberg Group provided them to us so we could test them out. These fearless enforcer clones are the key to maintaining local autonomy over Clow UFO base.

Reporter: I thought the Men in Black were the enforcers at Clow UFO Base.

Schanks: The Illuminati and the federal government are diverting resources to the war against alien communism. A young man sent me a letter saying that we should assume control over Clow’s security. By turning over Clow’s law enforcement to us, we’re helping the war effort, and saving money. Next question!

Reporter: Are there any Women in Blue?

(Schanks and his advisor look at each other for a few seconds. They burst out laughing. Moments later, Schanks looks at the reporter.)

(2017 note: Remember this was 1968!)

Schanks: Next question, and be serious this time.

Reporter: So these Men in Blue will intimidate and harass anyone who tries to expose the truth about aliens in Bolingbrook?

Schanks: They will use the latest technology to persuade residents to preserve the status quo, and maintain law and order.

Reporter: Why are you telling me this? Doesn’t granting an exclusive interview with the Babbler defeat the purpose of the Men in Blue?

Schanks: Because you’re not going tell Bolingbrook about the Men in Blue.

Reporter: You can’t stop me! I’m with the Babbler. I’m sworn to report the truth to Bolingbrook no matter how unbelievable it is!

(A Man in Blue approaches the reporter.)

Schanks: This is really a test of their memory altering slap!

Reporter: You can’t be serious! That’s un–

(Man in Blue slaps the reporter. The reporter looks dazed.)

Man in Blue: You came here to interview the Village President about Beaconridge. The village president denied that Beaconridge is being built over an ancient nuclear waste dump. His argument was persuasive that you are going to write an article defending Beaconridge.  You’re even going to say that residents who move to Beaconridge will be the healthiest residents in Bolingbrook!

Reporter: Thank you Mr. Schanks! I’m going to spread the good news about Beaconridge! This will be my best article ever! Thank you!”

(Reporter leaves.)

Schanks: We are going to use a different method to alter the memories of women, right?

Advisor: Absolutely.

Today, the Men in Blue still maintain order at Clow UFO Base and contribute to a coverup of Bolingbrook’s alien visitors.

Tomorrow: Thomas Groseth unknowingly starts on a path that will threaten the political stability of Bolingbrook! 

Misc: Way to go Siobhan (Mixed)

Siobhan, a fellow FtB blogger at Against the Grain, just had an article featured at  The Establishment.

When the results from the National Transgender Discrimination Survey (NTDS) were released, I naively hoped these statistics would offer a chance for those who didn’t know them to get a big-picture view of some of our crises, amd that the NTDS would enter the conversation on public policy.

After all, legislators are passing policy for everyone, so they’d want the full picture, right?

Apparently not. The necessity of a human rights bill like C-16 ought to be self-evident given the outcomes of the trans community, simply because of the appalling frequency and degree of discrimination that trans Canadians continue to face — but you do need to be aware of that fact first for it to be obvious. The law has been passed in Parliament but awaits further voting in the Senate, and during these debates, the data is seldom, if ever, mentioned.

Check it out!

Wendy Onofrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook resident starts “Iowa City Exit Movement” (Fiction)

John Z. Brockmeyer, a former University of Iowa student, is starting an Iowa City secession from his Bolingbrook home.

“I’m calling it “ICexit” said Brockmeyer.  “I’m modeling it after Calexit, and it will rock the world, just like Brexit did!”

Brockmeyer hopes to put the issue on the 2018 Iowa City ballot.  If successful, Iowa City officials would have to negotiate peaceful secession from the United States and Iowa.

A lifelong conservative, Brockmeyer say he wants to make liberals happy.  “No one should be forced to live under President Trump.  Some people just can’t handle greatness. So instead of waiting to emigrate to Canada, now all the Iowa liberals can be concentrated in a small safe space.  We’ll be able to do whatever we want.”

Though he hasn’t lived in Iowa City since 1996, he feels he still understands Iowa City.  “They’re people who smoke weed, (homophobic comment deleted), and think the democratic party is too conservative.  I’m sure it hasn’t changed.  Hell, I’ll bet the fountain is still standing in Pedestrian Mall, and normal people like me can still get a copy of the Campus Review.  I’ll also bet liberals still pickup copies of The Icon.”

So far, Brockmeyer only started designing a web page for his “movement” and has one volunteer in Iowa City.  The volunteer is not a student and Brockmeyer has never met him in person.  Still, he is optimistic.  “I have a lot of money, and a lot of free time.  That’s all you need for a successful exit movement.”

He sees ICexit as part of greater movement.  “I want to help Trump make American great again.  Right now the United Left is making that difficult.  If we can just hold on long enough, they’ll get frustrated and want to leave.  Then they’ll join the various secessions, like Calexit.  Once they leave, Congress will lose liberal votes, and then real Americans will make the laws, unopposed!”

Kay, a teaching assistant at UI, says there’s a very obvious flaw with ICexit.  “Iowa City is great because of the University of Iowa!  If Iowa City becomes its own country, we’ll lose the university and our state funding.  Yeah it sucks that some in the state government wants to limit home rule, but leaving the US is not the answer!”

Jill, a UI freshman from Schaumburg, agreed.  “I can barely afford to go here right now.  If I have to pay international student tuition, I’ll be screwed.  I’d go to an Illinois college, but state funding of universities is a mess, and the required test scores for University of Illinois are too high.”

While some have accused Russia of being behind the secession movements in the US, Brockmeyer will not confirm or deny their involvement.

“Let’s just say I now have the best vodka collection in Bolingbrook.”

The GoFundMe page for the defendants of Richard Carrier’s lawsuit is live (Out of Character)

As many readers of Freethought Blogs are aware, Dr. Richard Carrier is suing Freethought Blogs, and others, over the reporting of allegations of inappropriate behavior.  A GoFundMe page has been set up to help cover the legal costs of FtB and for all but one of the defendants. See below.

From the GoFundMe Page:

Dr. Richard Carrier is suing us for reporting  on his well-known allegations of misconduct. These allegations were widely reported on throughout the community, including by third-parties critical and sympathetic to him who are not themselves defendants.

This lawsuit has all the hallmarks of a SLAPP suit — a lawsuit filed to stifle legitimate criticism and commentary. The named defendants are Skepticon, The Orbit, and Freethought Blogs – as well as individuals Lauren Lane, the lead organizer of Skepticon; Stephanie Zvan, a blogger for The Orbit; PZ Myers, a blogger for Freethought Blogs; and Amy Frank-Skiba, who publicly posted her first-hand allegations against Carrier.

We need your help to keep our voices alive. All the defendants are represented by the same attorney, First Amendment lawyer Marc Randazza. Randazza is providing his services at a significant discount, but we are not asking him to work for free. Plus, there are thousands of dollars in “costs” for the case that don’t include legal bills, and there is no way to discount those. In order to continue fighting this lawsuit, we, the defendants of this case, have put together this campaign to raise money to defray our costs, some of which is outstanding. Donations will be used only for this case. In the event that the funds raised exceed our legal bills, they will be donated to Planned Parenthood .

We are pooling our defense costs with Skepticon, however as a 501(c)3 non-profit Skepticon is also conducting its own fundraiser where donations may be tax-deductible (ask your tax advisor). Skepticon cannot use donations it receives to help pay the shares of other individuals or organizations, though, and any excess funds raised via their campaign will go to the Skepticon conference fund.

We are confident that the court will uphold our First Amendment rights. But, through time, stress, and of course financial expense, every case like this has a chilling effect. Your support enables us to fight, and creates a warmer environment – not just for us but for others in the future.

Thank you for your support of freedom of speech, and may your new year be powerful and effective!

-Amy Frank-Skiba

-Lauren Lane

-PZ Myers

-Stephanie Zvan

The Babbler moves to Freethought Blogs! (Fiction)

By Jenna OlsonUFO

Publisher of the Bolingbrook Babbler

After ten wonderful years at Blogger, we’ve decided it was time to move our blog to a new home. There were many group blogs that would have accepted us, but we decided to join Freethought Blogs.

At first, that might seem like a mistake. We believe in God, cover the paranormal, and know that Bolingbrook, IL is the home of the largest urban UFO base in the world, Clow UFO Base. Bloggers at FtB are atheists, promote extreme skepticism, and think Clow International Airport is hardly worth mentioning. Digital Cuttlefishes aside, it seems like there is no room here for a blog that rejects the narrow materialist viewpoint the secret societies impose on us.

The truth is that we belong here at FtB. Since 1965, we’ve rejected conventional thinking and all dogmas. Our politics may have changed over the years, but we have always believed in fairness and justice. Bolingbrook is a diverse community, and we welcome and embrace that diversity. Today, parts of the world call out for social justice, and we are happy to be bards for the cause. Some skeptics claim that FtB is a bubble where only certain atheistic views are allowed. We’re here to burst that bubble and deliver the unbelievable truth to both the fans and hate-readers.

Finally, we belong here because we are at a turning point in history. The election of Donald Trump marked the start of a war between the New World Order and the resurgent Illuminati. Who we are as US citizens, and the fate of humanity, may depend on how all of us respond to the challenges of the next four years. To continue to provide the unbelievable truth in the new and dangerous world, we have to form new alliances. We may have many disagreements with the bloggers here, but we agree with their vision of a fair and just world. God help us, because we will help them.

So we hope you will join us every week. We will feature one article from our weekly printed edition. We also hope to add some exclusive content for readers here. Maybe you will never accept our stories as true, but if any of articles make you think, or inspire you to work for a better world, then we will consider that a success.

What’s going on here?

So what is the Bolingbrook Babbler really about? It’s a satirical tabloid that I started in 1998. The first time around I kept writing until 2001. I resumed work on it in 2007, and haven’t stopped since.

It began while I was a Bolingbrook, IL , resident and teaching myself HTML coding.  I wondered what it would be like if there was a local publication similar to The Weekly World News. So on a November night, I created the first Bolingbrook Babbler web page. The story was a secret tornado magnet at nearby Lewis University. I had so much fun writing the story and designing the page, that I decided to make it a regular feature on my home page. Soon I began regularly writing satirical articles using old school tabloids as my model.

A lot has happened with the Babbler in the nearly 19 years since I started. I was featured in a local newspaper article. I’ve had the joy of watching someone at Village Hall read through every page, and possibly send the link to a law firm in Los Angeles. I’ve had a friendly meeting with Mayor Roger Claar, and had him send an angry e-mail to me around midnight. I’ve spoken at Chicago’s Skepticamps, and performed dramatic readings at TAM, and GenCon.

There have been ups and downs over the years. The current move to Freethought Blogs is a high point. I’ve always supported the mission of Freethought Blogs, and I’ve learned so much from the bloggers there, both past and present. It’s been a dream of mine to come to Freethought Blogs, and I was shocked when I got the acceptance e-mail from PZ.

I would like to thank FtB for taking a chance on a blog that’s different from what they’ve normally featured in the past. Not every story will work, and I might make some mistakes along the way, but if any of my stories make a reader think about an issue, or learn something new, then I will have done my job.

I hope you’ll tag along and read about the “unbelievable truths” the staff of the Babbler uncovers each week.