Web exclusive: SGU released from Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The Skeptics Guide to the Universe panelists were released from Clow UFO Base after being detained for nearly a day by Illuminati agents.

“We’re all fine,” said Dr. Steven Novella.  “There is no truth to the rumor that we were tortured.  We did have to listen to Lee Greenwood songs in our cells, but I think others have suffered worse.”

The panelists were on their way to the Martian Colonies to attend a conference and to do an interstellar broadcast.  Halfway to Mars, the ship was ordered to return to Earth.

“The captain said colonial government had just banned humans from visiting Mars.”  Said Jay Novella.  “When she explained that the Martian Colonies banned humans because they believe all us are carrying infectious Fascist memes, I freaked out.  That’s not how memes work!  It made me so mad that I looked out the window at Mars and said (expletive deleted) you!  Now, looking back, I shouldn’t have insulted a civilization that’s 10,000 years ahead of Earth’s.  Still!  Infectious memes?”

“Yeah,” added Bob Novella.  “They were going to take us on a tour of all the areas where the Internet claimed to have seen skulls and rats.  That tour could have helped us do a better job of debunking those claims.  So their prejudice  is hurting more than us.  It’s hurting Earth’s science education.”

For reasons not clear to the SGU panelists, the craft was diverted to Clow UFO Base in Bolingbrook, instead of Fairfield A31 in Connecticut.  Upon arrival, several men in blue boarded the craft.

“I thought it was for our own protection,”  said Evan Bernstein.  “When they said we were under arrest, I yelled, ‘I’m not like the others!  Really!’  It wasn’t my best moment.  Anyway, one of them said we were under arrest for being affiliated with the New World Order.  So in that sense, I was like my other panelists.”

The panelists were taken to individual cells, and later were interrogated by Illuminati agents.

“They kept telling me how evil science is,” said Cara Santa Maria.  “Apparently, Donald Trump signed an executive order saying no member of the New World Order could fly into an Illuminati controlled UFO Base.  My interrogator said the only way I’d be allowed to leave is if I switched allegiance to the Illuminati.  I laughed and said that I was sure that the Center for Inquiry’s Interstellar Affairs team was working to get us released.  He laughed for some reason.  Then I told him that The Young Turks Interstellar was about to go live this weekend.  He would have to deal with a Cenk Uygur rant!  That made him think.”

At the end of the day, the SGU panelists were released following a diplomatic protest filed by the Skepchick consulate.

Paula Z Hegel, Skepchick’s ambassador to Clow, released a statement following the SGU’s release.  “As members of the New World Order and the Skeptical Movement, the SGU panelists were fortunate to be well represented in this ugly situation.  But this weekend we’ve seen that many people are not so fortunate.  Permanent aliens are being detained at airports or prevented from returning to their homes because they are muslims from certain countries.  While the executive order mentions 9/11 three times, none of the countries affected were involved in the 9/11 attacks.  This ban only exists because Donald Trump is afraid of Muslims!  His supporters are afraid.  We are not afraid.”

Steven stressed that this incident will not affect the content of the SGU.  “The SGU will not become a political show because of this.  We will stick to the science.”

Aliens observe Women’s March on Chicago (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Women and women marching. Above them, a UFO has the text, "There is intelligent life on Earth!"

Enhanced photo of a UFO over the Women’s March on Chicago. (William Brinkman)

In addition to an estimated 250,000 humans, aliens also attended the Women’s March on Chicago.

Chicago’s Orange Squad, which deals with paranormal activity in Chicago, reported no arrests or disturbances.  One source said: “Everyone played by the rules.  Only the aliens with low-altitude permits flew over the march.  The marchers didn’t riot.  Maybe if we treat other protest organizers with the same respect as we did the Women’s March organizers, all them would be peaceful.  Why aren’t you laughing?”

Zo Goop, who runs a flyover service out of Clow UFO Base, was pleased with the march.  “With the election, I was worried that humanity was starting to revert to the barbarism and bigotry from over 70 Earth orbits ago.  Seeing so many people out there gave me hope.  President Trump will be a step backwards for humanity, but I have hope that humanity will someday move forward.”

Po Zoe, a resident of Wolf 1061c, was even more enthusiastic.  “There is intelligent life on Earth after all.”

Some aliens, like Gar Zeb, mingled among the crowd.  “I liked the free snacks the socialist parties were handing out,” she said.  “But it was hard to hear the speakers or see the stage.  I heard they were only planning for 50,000 people and 200,000 more showed up.  Maybe if they had also used the People’s Mic, like they did at Occupy, more people would have gotten the message.”

Additionally, there were so many people that the organizers had to cancel the march and turn the event into a rally.  Zeb was disappointed, but understood: “When I navigated through the crowd, I came upon groups doing their own chants and speeches.  It was like attending several rallies at once.  My human suit was damaged, but the experience was worth it!”

Zex Splen, from Kepler-452B, complained that the marches had to happen at all.  “Five orbits ago, I was going to donate to the Democratic Party, because they support women’s rights on this continent.  But no!  My New World Order representative told me that women were going to be fine.  Hillary Clinton was going to be the next President.  So I did what they said, and donated to the James Randi Educational Foundation.  I come back to find the JREF is no more, the NWO is at war with the Illuminati, and someone wearing a poorly painted human suit is humiliating Hillary.  Instead of moving forward, women are about to be consumed by a black hole of masculinity.  I feel ripped off.  This time I’m investing in feminist groups, and I hope I’m not too late!”

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Bears fans cheer as Satan stops the Packers’s winning streak
Melania Trump appoints Mayor Roger Claar as her Illinois Illuminati Liaison
Lisle trees celebrate unusually warm weather
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/26/17