We get letters. (Unfortunately) April 2022 edition (Fiction)

By Doug Fields
Reader’s Editor

(Out of character: Unless stated otherwise, these are not real letters.)

Sometimes I’m proud to say that I edit the Babbler’s letters to the editor. This is not one of those times. Maybe it’s all the readers with COVID dementia, or maybe the past five years have brought out the worst in us. No difference. These letters make me question the future of humanity. Judge for yourself.

While most Bolingbrook residents stand with the Ukrainian people against the Russian invasion, this reader just has to be special:

To the Editor:

The New York Times says Ukraine doesn’t have a Nazi problem. This is the same newspaper that published a Hitler editorial in 1941! Therefore Vladimir Putin is right. Let’s stop punishing Russia and start supporting Putin’s special military operation to rid the world of Nazis once and for all!

Julie X. Weimar
Bolingbrook, IL

Someone better warn Malcolm Nance before it’s too late.

Our descent into the abyss continues with this letter. This reader doesn’t know that Bolingbrook isn’t in the Sixth Congressional District. Then again, incumbent Congressional Representative Marie Newman doesn’t live there either. 

To the Editor:

Days ago, Fake IL06 representative Sean Casten said the public was going to “level” Rep. Marie Newman and insurrectionist President Trump was still free. Yet the so-called ethics committee is investigating Newman instead of those two. How outrageous!.

Don’t let the media confuse you. Newman is running on the Green New Deal and Medicare for All. That’s all you need to know. Oh, and she’s not afraid to vote against Israel! 

Newman shouldn’t be forced to violate her crypto agreement and she shouldn’t be stopped from investing in America. She shouldn’t be stopped period. Don’t let anyone tell you to think about it. Just vote for Newman and she’ll do the rest!

Bill Z. Blankenship
Downers Grove, IL

I’m not sorry to say that anyone who invested in cryptocurrencies shouldn’t be considered an environmentalist. 

Locally, this next resident wants a certain book banned. 

To the Editor:

We must prevent the most woke novel in history from reaching Bolingbrook! The Rift promises to be a story about aliens and monsters set in our fine village. Don’t be fooled! It has trans people and feminists in it! The author says it’s not marketed to children, but why does it have a gay magician in it? It also has suspicious references to elevators…

We must do everything in our power to stop the woke mob from canceling us by banning this book! Our freedom depends on it! Scream about it at every government meeting. Don’t worry about what to say. Have faith that God will put the right words in your mouth.

Jill “I have a gun and that’s all you need to know,”
Bolingbrook, IL

The novel mentioned is The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, written by our webmaster. Let me assure you it is not pornographic, and probably will tick off a certain slimy part of the atheist community.

Now, this next resident is taking the suburban cancel culture scare to its logical conclusion:

To the Editor:

You know, there are so many positive things going on in Bolingbrook, like the opening of Eiffel Waffle. But there are too many “critical” distractions that are dividing our wonderful community, e.g. things like Critical Race Theory, Gender Critical Feminism, and scientific criticism. 

The solution to this critical problem is simple: We must ban critical thinking in Bolingbrook. Instead of arguing over garbage toters, golf clubs, and COVID restrictions, we should shut out the negativity, and just enjoy all the fine businesses in Bolingbrook. Free your mind, and just follow the wonderful thought leaders who make our village first! In the First Party, we trust!

Marcus T. Fish
Bolingbrook, IL

I enjoy thinking for myself, while being grounded in the real world, thank you very much. People who want to think for you shouldn’t. 

Maybe next time I’ll be able to feature letters that don’t fill me with despair.

Also in the Babbler:

Russia threatens heatwave and snowstorms this weekend
Downstate judge threatens to declare atheism unconstitutional
Governor Pritzker buys UFO display ads attacking Mayor Irvin
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/21/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My new novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is coming out soon. Pathways to Bolingbrook: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story is free and available now. For book updates, sign up for my newsletter.

Bolingbrook Snow Command clashes with Russian operatives (Fiction)

Did Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta have a Zoom meeting with President Vladimir Putin? (Image from the First Party for Bolingbrook site.)

While the world anxiously wonders if Russian President Vladimir Putin will invade Ukraine, Russian covert operatives clashed with Bolingbrook’s Snow Command last week.

According to anonymous Snow Command employees, Russian operatives attempted to hamper snow removal efforts. They also recorded propaganda videos accusing Snow Command of committing “atrocities.” 

Peter, who asked that we not use his real name, claims operatives filmed a propaganda video while he was plowing a side street. After his plow destroyed a mailbox, he claims three men rushed out from behind a snowbank. One man lay down on the ground and placed a piece of debris over his abdomen. The second man poured ketchup on the first man. Then the third man started filming. Peter stopped and reversed his plow.

“I was just going to tell them there was no need to be so dramatic,” said Peter. “They just need to file a claim with the village. But I heard the guy with the camera speaking in Russian. He accused me of deliberately hurting the guy on the ground. When I yelled at them, the guy pretending to provide first aid covered his ears and fell down. The camera guy shook his camera and yelled, ‘Sonic attack” in Russian. When I drove off, I saw all three of them in my rearview mirror running away.”

Annette, who asked that we didn’t use her last name, also witnessed Russian operatives recording in her neighborhood:

“After the snowplow made a snow pile in front of my driveway, these three guys dressed in black started digging into it. I thought they were being nice until one of them laid down in the hole they made. Another man pretended to dig that guy out, while the camera guy accused the plow driver of burying a Russian immigrant. He also accused the driver of being Ukrainian. So I told them that if they cleaned my driveway after filming their video, I wouldn’t call the FBI on them. They may have been filming propaganda to justify a horrific war, but they did a great job cleaning my driveway!”

Lou, a snowplow driver for Snow Command, claims Russian operatives tried to disrupt his route. According to Lou, he claims a pickup truck pulled in front of him and skidded to a stop:

“I barely stopped before hitting the pickup truck. I leaned out the window and yelled, ‘What’s wrong with you people?’ Then I noticed a cameraman in the truck’s bed. He thanked me for the dramatic footage and for saying something they can twist. Then he drove off. I have a bad feeling that I’m going to be featured in a Russian false flag operation. Please let your readers know I don’t hate all people. I just hate people who don’t know how to drive near a snowplow.”

According to sources within Village Hall, Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta responded with a Zoom call to Putin. They also provided a partial transcript:

Alexander-Basta: As a global woman of excellence, I insist you stop harassing Snow Command. Leave us out of your propaganda!

Putin: Could you speak up?

Alexander-Basta: Could you move closer to the speaker? I’m on Zoom. There’s no need for you to sit at your long table.

Putin: (Speaks in Russian)

Translator: It is Russian tradition not to sit close to anyone who refuses to provide a DNA sample.

Alexander-Basta: I doubt that.

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was busy and could not be disturbed. In the background, a woman held up a cutout of Alexander-Basta to her face and approached Trustee Sheldon Watts.

Woman: (Imitating Alexander-Basta’s voice): I’m inviting my supporters over to your house for a ‘Legitimate Political Discourse.’ What do you have to say?

Watts: I’m kind of busy right now, Charlene.

Covert Social Media Operative Charlene Spencer: Sorry, the word we were looking for was “No.”

Watts: What?

Spencer: You’ve been voting with Mayor Mary too often. If you don’t find a way to distinguish yourself from the Something Bolingbrook Something First Something Party, you’re not going to be reelected… Unless you’re planning on begging for (Former Mayor Roger Claar’s) forgiveness!

Watts: Charlene, I’ve told you before, it’s too early to think about the 2023 election. I will not oppose Mayor Basta’s platform for purely political reasons.

Spencer: Not to stop her from appointing trustees?

Watts: Charlene. I like Trustee Jean Kelly. She’s had more years of community service work than you.

Charlene: You’ll be back to community service work if you don’t start voting no. Think about it from a voter’s perspective. “Wow. Mayor Mary is always right. She says I should vote for these three candidates. Sheldon says we should reelect him, but Mayor Mary says we shouldn’t. There’s no difference between her candidates and Sheldon. Why should I stop trusting her now?”

Watts: Some days you really get on my nerves.

Charlene: Fine. You can vote with her all you like then. I’ll have my new bots tell a different story in Bolingbrook Politics.

Watts: No!

Charlene: I knew that word was in your vocabulary.

Also in the Babbler:

UFO traffic diverted from Ukraine to Clow UFO Base
Editorial: Overfunding the police won’t fix crime
Palatine Township: No aid for shapeshifters
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/23/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My new novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is coming out soon. Pathways to Bolingbrook: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story is free and available now. For book updates, sign up for my newsletter.

The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2022 (Fiction)

Will Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta make history in 2022? (Image from the First Party for Bolingbrook site.)

After failing to predict the 2020 COVID-19 pandemic, our psychics made a strong comeback with their 2021 predictions. The psychics correctly predicted the insurrection and that people would escape through tunnels. They also predicted that President Biden would still be in office at the end of the year, and that he would face many challenges.

We believe our psychics are back on track, and we have the utmost confidence in their predictions for 2022. However, please keep in mind that the future is not set, and posting these predictions could alter the future. Just like we believe that there were no petition challenges for the 2021 election because we predicted the election board would throw all the candidates off the ballot.

So here is what you can expect in the new year:

***

The largest Greenland ice sheet collapse in history will cause the largest tsunami ever, devastating the East Coast. Despite the wave reaching portions of West Virginia, Sen. Joe Manchin will refuse to approve disaster relief or support the Build Back Better plan. He will deny that he really wants a massive bailout for the coal industry.

“We have too much debt, and rebuilding the eastern half of our country costs too much. It’s far cheaper for the affected states to be just like West Virginia. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to Kentucky to recover my yacht.”

Sen. Kyrsten Sinema will say she supports rebuilding Washington DC,  but will be blunt in her opposition to expanded disaster relief:

“What’s in it for me?”

***

Bolingbrook Mary Alexander-Basta will raise eyebrows around Chicagoland when she flies the Thin Bread Crust flag over village hall. She will defend her decision like this:

“Delivery Drivers have one of the most dangerous occupations, yet their work is vital to keeping Bolingbrook’s restaurants open. We honor police officers for their bravery, but have yet to honor members of an occupation with a higher fatality rate. This week, I’m correcting that.”

Bolingbrook’s police unions will not comment about her decision until much later.

***

Elon Musk’s love for the Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe hosts will grow. Tesla and Space X will spend millions of dollars advertising on the podcast. Musk will also become a regular guest, and his arguments with Dr. Steven Novella over COVID-19 will be legendary. Jay Novella will say, “Man, Elon, just sitting next to you gets me high.”

Musk will arrange for the rogues to ride on the second Starship orbital test flight. The flight will end in disaster when the Super Heavy Booster explodes during takeoff, and Starship crashes into the ocean. The hosts will survive with injuries.

“You know,” Cara Santa Maria will say, “You really should install an escape system on Starship. Even airliners have inflatable slides.”

Despite the initial hard feelings, things will improve when Elon buys the rights to be called the founder of the SGU.

***

In what will be known as the “Cop Coup,” Bolingbrook police officers will arrest the village board before they can vote to legalize all garbage toters. The officers will accuse the board of “conspiring to distribute a federally illegal substance,” because the board were also debating the merits of allowing a cannabis dispensary in Bolingbrook.

As a result, Trustee Michael Carpanzano will be installed as the new mayor of Bolingbrook:

“Gee, I’m getting messages from residents who feel strongly about this sudden police action. Regardless of how you feel, I think we can all agree that the police have a demanding job. So I urge all residents to come together and support our officers. Without them, we would descend into anomie.”

Village Co-Administrators Ken Teppel and Lucas Rickelman will rush into the boardroom and demand the immediate release of the board because the police budget doesn’t have an insurrection line item. When asked how they intended to enforce their order without the police, the Co-Administrators will reply that they contacted Bolingbrook ANTIFA, and if the police do not stand down, they will post screenshots of every officer’s embarrassing social media posts online.

“All of you will suffer a fate worse than death. You will be canceled!”

The officers will surrender and resign. Carpanzano will step down as mayor. Alexander-Basta will be reinstalled as mayor. She will sentence  Carpanzano to one year of house arrest, so he cannot leave his home.

“As of today, you are grounded!”

Historians will then spend years debating whether Alexander-Basta is the second mayor in Bolingbrook’s history to serve non-consecutive terms.

***

The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story will become an Amazon best seller in the category of “Books set in Bolingbrook that Don’t Mention Drew Peterson”.

***

When polls suggest the Democrats might keep control of the House of Representatives, Florida’s governor Ron DeSantis will send his Florida State Guard to the temporary national capitol in Chicago to arrest President Joe Biden and all Democratic members of Congress.

“I must do what President Trump failed to do,” DeSantis will say. “I will stop the steal, and I urge all patriotic law enforcement officials to join me. It will work this time because Steve Bannon isn’t involved!”

Biden will respond by mobilizing all military branches to defend Chicago.

“Here’s the deal,” Biden will say. “We have elections. Fair elections. If you want me out of office, vote me out. Don’t send an army. That’s not how we do things.”

As the Florida State Guard and their Russian military “advisors” approach Chicago, Speaker Nancy Pelosi will send out an urgent text message.

“Our Democratic majority is in danger. DeSantis and his Republican army are marching towards us as I’m typing. Democracy is in danger and we might lose the opportunity to talk about passing the John Lewis Voting Rights Act.

“We’re also in danger of missing our FEC monthly fundraising deadline.  If every Democrat like you donates…”

Also in the Babbler:

New UFO noise regulations to take effect in Palatine
Sources say: Russia training new recruits to flood Bolingbrook’s Facebook groups
Valley View mothers urge board to ban the teaching of germ theory
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/31/21

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group

Former congressman Dan Lipinski triggered a riot at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

UFO

File photo of a UFO.

By Reporter X

Clow UFO Base’s holiday concert nearly ended in a riot after former congressman Dan Lipinski performed an offensive version of “Jingle Bells.” 30 aliens and 20 humans were treated for minor injuries, while one alien and five humans had to be hospitalized after being encased in riot foam. Officials confirmed that the rioters caused minor damage to the stage, but the concert was able to continue. 

Bolingbrook Trustee Michael Carpanzano tried to spin the story during a press conference with the interstellar media:

“While some miscreants want to defund law enforcement, our well-funded security personnel managed to suppress a riot without fatalities or a snowplow. This is why Clow UFO Base is the best UFO Base in the world, and why it must never fall into (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere’s) hands!”

Clow security personnel arrested Lipinski after rescuing him from the rioters.  According to sources, Lipinski insisted he didn’t do anything wrong. He said:

“It was a joke. You should be laughing. Ow! You can’t do that to me! Don’t you know who my dad was? I’m the victim here!”

The chain of events leading up to the riot started when Rep. Bill Foster introduced Rep. Sean Casten as the next performer.  Foster praised Casten’s work, and called him the “hardest rocking congressman ever.”  He added, “We can’t afford to lose any more scientists in Congress. So, if you live in the Sixth District, please vote for Sean, and keep the Sci Bros together!”

Casten performed his “Hot Ferc Summer Suite” followed by “Glasgow Climate Lover’s Delight” based on “Rapper’s Delight.”  When he finished the rap, Rep. Marie Newman, who currently represents the Third District, barged onto the stage.

She said:  “As the residents of the #NewIL06 know, the first rap song was actually ‘Life is a Rock (But the Radio Rolled Me),’ and you can only find real Chicago-style pizza at Home Run Inn.”

Casten replied, “Wow! That’s so wrong, no wonder you’re running in the wrong primary.

“That’s where you’re wrong,” said Newman. “You and your fellow Corporate Democrats stole my district and tried to force me to run against (Rep. Jesus Garcia.)”

“Hey,” Casten replied. “Just because I used to be a CEO does not mean I’m a Corporate Democrat. I have very nuanced views about climate change and universal healthcare.”

“Nuance is nonsense,” said Newman. She pulled out a wooden cross with the phrases “Green New Deal” and “Medicare 4 All” carved into it. “Be gone, Corporate Democrat!”

Lipinski then ran out and grabbed a free microphone. He said, “Don’t listen to these two extremists. The Sixth District needs a sensible moderate like me.  I’ll prove how mainstream I am.” Lipinski started shaking two bells, and sang: “Jingle bells/Jingle bells/Jingle all the way/Gay rights/And abortion rights/are gonna go away.”

The riot started moments later.

Several seconds later, Trustee Michael Lawler took the stage and started singing, “I Believe in Father Christmas.” The audience stopped rioting, and security restored order. 

According to sources, Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta approached Lawler after his performance.

“Am I in trouble?” he asked.

“Trouble?” she replied. “You saved the concert! I’m proud of you.”

“Wow. You really aren’t (Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar.)”

At the press conference, Alexander-Basta promised not to execute Lipinski or any of the rioters. She stated:  “After a rough year and a half, a riot at the annual holiday concert means things are returning to normal. We could all use some of the old normal around here.”

Zolgost, a resident of Barnard’s Star’s Third Planet, said she enjoyed the concert: “My planet is so peaceful that it’s boring. It’s nice to come to Earth to receive the gift of a painful punch. I hope humanity doesn’t go extinct from COVID any time soon.”

Lisa Z. Thomas, an engineer at Clow, enjoyed the concert but was saddened by the riot. “We need both Sean and Marie in Congress. They’re fighting like my parents were when I was a kid.”  She started to cry. “Sorry, that brought back some memories.”

Also in the Babbler:

Former CFI feline fellows celebrate Hanukkah with the Society for Humanistic Judaism
Bonnie threatens to file a lawsuit in Interstellar Court
Sources: David Silverman to convert to Satanism
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/10/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Chicagoland’s UFO bases crackdown on alien carjackers (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Chicagoland’s three UFO Bases independently announced plans to crackdown on alien carjackers.

According to various sources, aliens, disguised as young humans, are stealing cars and contributing to Chicagoland’s highest rate of carjackings in 20 years. Although most car thieves are human, a record number of aliens are participating in carjackings.

“Carjacking is not a human sport,” said Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta. “It is not a fad, and it is not for alien tourists! I don’t want to be interrupted during a taping of the Bolingbrook Buzz to deal with an alien carjacker.”

Reid Ottesen, the administrator for both the Village of Palatine and Rob Sherman UFO Base, announced new rules restricting the movements of aliens visiting Cook County.  The rules include mandatory inspections of all UFOs for stolen cars, and “Mildly invasive” searches of all aliens who return from “excursions” in Cook, Lake, or McHenry County.

“Humans are very attached to their cars,” said Ottesen.  “So don’t even think of stealing one! Even if you promise to return it.  Take only memories.  Leave us only your landing and visitation fees.”

Peotone UFO Base announced a moratorium on the export of Earth cars until the “carjacking crisis is over.”

Part of the announcement stated: “There is no truth to the rumor that humans will destroy all their cars in order to save their planet.  Cars, in one form or another, will be around until at least the 22nd Century or human extinction, whichever comes first.  If you want a sound investment, consider investing in bitcoin instead.”

Many aliens have expressed disappointment in the new restrictions.  Goplost, a resident of the Bartz Empire, is one of them. He stated:

“I filled out all the forms so I could get my own mobile carbon monoxide generator, and now I can’t ship it because someone is worried I stole it.  It wasn’t stolen…  It was just sitting on a driveway.  No one was in it.”

Zopl, who refused to reveal her home planet, defends carjacking:

“You guys hunt animals.  I hunt dirty human machines. It’s more thrilling fighting an armed human inside a car than it is shooting a defenseless deer.  Plus I’m helping to control the car population, which needs culling far more than the deer population does.”

A receptionist for Mayor Alexander-Basta said she was too busy to comment, as she was attending the reopening of the Bolingbrook Walmart and would be back after the Babbler’s deadline.

In the background, a woman who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts, said: “I just got off the phone with (Name Redacted).” 

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer replied: “I guess he really didn’t like my campaign strategy for 2023.”

“I want to hear it in your own words.”

“Sure.  First, we merge with Bolingbrook United and make you the leader of the new United Independent Voices of Bolingbrook party.”

“Isn’t that a contradiction?”

“You’re over-thinking it.  Anyway, then I’ll arrange for an anti-vaccination slate to run in the First Party’s primary.”

“You want to promote anti-vaccination candidates?  But you still wear biohazard suits indoors— and how many booster shots have you had?”

“I’ve lost count, and you can never be too cautious with COVID.  But I don’t want the slate to win.  I just want them to drive Republicans out of Mayor Mary’s Party.”

“But Roger—”

“Then I’ll upload a deep fake video of the Mayor Emeritus endorsing our slate. Victory will be secured.”

“(Name Redacted) is right.  You are unethical.”

“Maybe, but 2023 could be Bolingbrook’s last free election.  You don’t want to end up outside of Village Hall before US Democracy falls, do you?”

“But even if your evil plan worked, we’d only control half the village board and Mayor Mary would have the tie-breaking vote.”

“But by 2023, I should have a militia ready to—”

Watts then shouted: “La! La! La!  I can’t hear you.  Jesus loves me.  S.T.E.M. is good!”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens volunteer to canvas for Rep. Sean Casten
Publisher of Bolingbrook Reporter to trademark ‘Let’s go Brandon’
Rep. Garcia performs the Illuminati Rite of Gratitude for Rep. Newman
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/5/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Chicagoland’s UFO bases revaluate using ‘skeptics’ as UFO sightings skyrocket (Fiction)

A decloaked UFO flies over Palatine.

By Reporter X

Rising public interest in both UFOs and Unidentified Aerial Phenomena is forcing Chicagoland’s three UFO bases to revaluate their staff of professional skeptics.

“We’re in a debunking crisis,” said Theresa Z. Theil, Director of Concealment Operations for  Peotone UFO Base.  60 Minutes is taking UFOs seriously.  The government is about to issue an unclassified report on UAPs.  Ex-government officials can’t keep their mouths shut.  Meanwhile, we can’t find enough people to hold a SkeptiCamp.”

According to an Ipsos poll from 2020, 45% of US residents believe UFOs are real and have visited the Earth.  Public belief in UFOs started declining in 2014, and many UFO interest groups folded by 2018. Then sightings increased in 2019, skyrocketed in 2020, and are still increasing.  

Experts within the New World Order and Illuminati blame the increase on people having more free time during the pandemic, aliens disregarding stealth protocols, the decline of the skeptical and New Atheists movement after 2011, and the War between the Illuminati and the New World Order.

Reid Ottesen, Palatine Village Manager and Director of Rob Sherman UFO Base explained: “Both sides are building UFO Bases, but both sides aren’t coordinating their coverup efforts.  Additionally, it didn’t help when the Committee for Skeptical Inquiry defected from the New World Order to the Illuminati.  I’m still trying to hire replacement skeptics, and I’m offering more than $15 an hour.”

Ottesen hopes stricter enforcement and improved cloaking technology will help Sherman UFO Base maintain a low percentage of sightings.  According to Ottesen, he’s already doubled the number of disciplinary hearings from 2020:

“Yesterday, I fined three crews for reckless piloting.  Not only were they sighted, but Patch mentioned them.  Sure these were steep fines, and we now have liens on their ships, but they deserve it for flying uncloaked for ten minutes with their landing lights on!”

Ottesen hopes that YouTube and Skepchick’s newly reorganized diplomatic corp will restore Palatine’s debunking efforts.

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base has its own staff of skeptics, as well as representatives from The Skeptics Society, and Committee for Skeptical Inquiry.  Clow spokesperson Donna K. Smith says Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta will be conducting a “routine reevaluation” of Clow’s debunking protocols:

“Because Clow is the largest urban UFO base in the world, we are constantly innovating our public concealment efforts.  That may or may not reduce our reliance on contract skeptics.”

Despite officials denials, the Babbler managed to obtain an email from Alexander-Basta to CFI and the Skeptics Society demanding improvements:

“It’s very clear to me that your skeptics are suffering from severe mission drift.  They seem to think their mission is to protect Western Civilization from ‘Wokeness,” when they should be covering up security breaches.  From what I’ve seen, they’re doing both jobs poorly.  I doubt they could have covered up the illegal UFO base that was in South Elgin. Maybe I should hire PZ Myers instead.”

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she wasn’t working that day and was unreachable.

In the background, a man who looked like DuPage Township Supervisor Gary Marschke approached Covert Social Media Advisor Charlene Spencer.

“I knew I would find you here,” said Marschke.  “You’re using the waiting area as your second office.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.  I am but a humble constituent, who just happens to be eight hours early for her scheduled meeting with the mayor,” said Spencer.

“Do you really think I’m that foolish?” asked Marschke. “Don’t answer that.  I just need to know if your lackeys sent out fake texts to voters telling them that we were going to abolish the township?”

“Maybe.”

“Maybe isn’t good enough.  I want to know why you lied.  You know we campaigned on adding services, not abolishing the township.  Can you at least come clean about your lies?”

“I neither confirmed nor denied that I lied, or that I bought the same list of registered voters that you bought.”

“I’ve only been in office a few days, and I’m already sick of your billionaire client and you.  Why does he hate townships?  Is it because we help people?”

“Yes,” replied Charline

“Yes?”

“Yes.  He hates townships because they help desperate people, and my client needs desperate people who will accept desperation wages so my client can use the savings to buy the yacht that he desperately wants.”

“I think your client desperately needs the mental health services we’re going to provide our residents.”

Also in the Babbler:

Babbler staff offers its condolences to Mayor Alexander-Basta
Bolingbrook resident attacked by sentient algae in a swimming pool
Aliens arrested for hoarding lumber
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/28/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Space aliens will not enroll their children in Chicagoland’s schools due to COVID-19 (Fiction)

For the first time since the early 1970s, space alien students will not be enrolled at any Chicagoland schools.

Instead, the Interstellar Commonwealth will set up schools at each of Chicagoland’s three UFO bases:  Clow UFO Base in Bolingbrook, Rob Sherman UFO Base in Palatine, and Peotone UFO Base in Will County.

“Too many humans believe their god of guns will protect them from COVID-19,” said Ostogot, an ambassador from the Interstellar Commonwealth, during a conference call with base administrators.  “We believe it is best for our children to watch this pandemic out from the comfort of a UFO base.”

Palatine’s Village Manager Reid Ottesen promised to provide a “Fremd High School” quality education to all alien students:  “While we enjoy hosting our interstellar students, this school year we need to provide as much space as possible for our human students.  We appreciate our visitors’ understanding as D211 and D15 start the year off with a hybrid schedule.  Who knows how long that will last?  Still, by keeping your children on base, both school districts can give it a try.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar thanked the Interstellar Commonwealth for funding and staffing Clow’s school:  “Since Clow is still locked down, onsite learning was never an option for our alien students.  Some suggested drones for each student, but I vetoed that.  My school district needs all of the social distancing space it can get.  Thanks to Ostogot, our visitors can enjoy a full safe school experience, while Bolingbrook’s children will learn the harsh truth that nature wants us all dead.”

Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere said that alien children already went to school on base:  “This year, we were hoping to introduce alien students to the D207U district.  However, with cases rising in Illinois, we’ve decided to wait another year.”

Traynere then added her “good friend” Dr. Anthony Fauci to the conference call:

“This is the first sensible decision about schools I’ve heard this month,” said Fauci.  “Cases are rising in the US and in Illinois.  We should be talking about getting the outbreak back under control.  Instead, we’re reopening Disney World!  Human children aren’t immune to COVID-19 and now we think aliens aren’t immune either.”

“Wait a minute,” yelled Claar.  “Last week you said aliens were immune and those aliens in Palatine probably died from something else.”

“I said it was unlikely aliens could get COVID-19, and there was a chance the aliens in Palatine died from something else.  Today I just got new studies that proved that the virus can survive in some alien bodies.  Most won’t get sick, but they can spread the virus.  Those who get sick will either die or suffer long term disabilities.  Oh, and we found traces of the novel Coronavirus in the ashes of those aliens.”

“Dear God!  I can’t keep up with all of these developments.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Why are you scientists always changing your mind about this virus?”

“Because it’s a novel virus that has never infected humans before.  So the learning curve is steep and deadly.  Kind of like the video game Eve Online.”

“Huh.  At least tell me there’s a cure on the way.”

“Permission to speak freely.”

“I suppose.”

“We might have an AIDS vaccine before we have a long-lasting COVID-19 vaccine.  The secret vaccine we have now is only effective for 12 hours.”

“Twelve hours?  How can we hope to achieve herd immunity if the vaccine only lasts 12 hours?”

“Herd immunity?  That’s a good one, your honor.  The best we can do to prevent reinfections is hope the general public is willing to wear masks and practice social distancing for several more years.”

“Years?  Oh dear God, we’re screwed!  Excuse me.  I need to start counting down from 500 to calm down.”

The administrators finished up the meeting by explaining that the alien students will not be allowed to participate in sports with human students.  Instead, aliens students will only participate in interplanetary competitions. 

Zoblogot, Captain of the Bolingbrook High School Interplantary Football Team, told the administrators most alien students support the decision.

“Human sports camps are being canceled, and who knows if there will be human high school athletics this year?  We’re going to miss our human friends, but everyone in Bolingbrook should know that we will be fighting for Raider pride among the stars!”

Also in the Babbler:

Downers Grove resident saw alien holding a Casten yard sign
Bolingbrook STEM association denies it has found the cure for COVID-19
Palatine Township finally admits COVID-19 threat ‘might’ not be exaggerated
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/14/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Jeanne Ives’s canvassers spread beyond Illinois’ Sixth Congressional District according to eyewitnesses (Fiction)

File photo of Jeanne Ives taken by the College of DuPage’s staff.

Canvassers claiming to be volunteers for Congressional candidate Jeanne Ives have been spotted outside the Sixth Congressional District.

“Door to door canvassing is bad enough during a pandemic,” said Liz, a Bolingbrook resident.  “Seeing one of her canvassers in Bolingbrook is scary.  Do they even know what office she’s running for?  For that matter, does Jeanne?  She talks so much about Illinois politics that I wonder if she thinks running to be (Governor JB Pritzker’s) boss?”

Andrea X. Parker, a resident of Naperville, claims a canvasser accosted her on her front yard:

“This guy tried to shake my hand.  I told him to keep his distance.  He stepped back but said that a judge ruled that we no longer have to practice social distancing.  I asked him how a judge could rule a virus out of existence?  He said Jeanne gave Trump a performance grade of ‘A,’ and that was all he needed to know.  I said that was all I needed to know about Jeanne.”

Wendy Lee, a resident of Romeoville, also claims an Ives canvasser visited her:

“I told this guy he was lost because I live in the 11th Congressional District.  He said Team China Carrier was assigned to my district.  Then he showed me a patch with one half depicting a US aircraft carrier, and the other half depicting a bat with the caption “China’s Newest Carrier.”  He said Jeanne’s son made the patch.  I told him to (Expletive Deleted) off.  First of all, it was disrespectful to the crew of the Theodore Roosevelt.  Second, it is racist to refer to COVID-19 as the Chinese Virus. Especially when there are more cases in the US.  Third, China’s upcoming carriers are nothing to laugh at.  That man just smiled and said, ‘Somebody needs a great big hug.’  I wonder how many people her campaign is infecting?”

Colby, a resident of Paris, IL, claims one of her former classmates tried to canvass on behalf of Ives:

“When I heard him saying I should resign my checkbook to Jeanne Ives, I lost it.  I said: ‘Billy Bo Bob, that doesn’t make any sense, and you’re going to get everyone in Edgar County infected and waste all those months we stayed at home.’  When he said he wasn’t afraid of the flu, I said this is worse than the flu and that Jeanne may sound like a downstater, but she’s really a Chicago politician.  He said he wanted to kill me, but he was going to tell the Edgar County Watchdogs on me instead.  I said the only thing he was going to do was get them killed.  Then I said he should stay off their website because they don’t even have the brains to understand all the law books they’ve been reading!”

A person who claimed to be a spokesperson for the Ives campaign would neither confirm nor deny the existence of canvassers:

“Jeanne Ives is holding a perfectly legal BBQ at our campaign headquarters, and there are no Chicago-style hot dogs here.  We are eating Oscar-Myer hotdogs with ketchup and we’re going to call it the Wheaton Dog.  Checkmate Chicago liberals!”

A person who claimed to be a spokesperson for Representative Sean Casten’s campaign  had no comment about the Ives canvassers:

“We are responsibly campaigning for Sean because he cares about the residents of the district and he believes in science.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to put on my biohazard suit before I deliver our yard signs.”

Also in the Babbler:

Doctors Without Planets deploy to Peotone UFO Base
Bolingbrook mayoral candidate Jackie Traynere holds Zoom meeting with weredogs
Naperville mayor denies bidding to host the ‘American Heroes’ garden
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/8/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Space Force raids both Bolingbrook Meijer stores (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Space Force commandos based at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base raided Bolingbrook’s Meijer’s stores on Saturday.

According to employees working the night shift, the commandos charged the loading docks armed with laser rifles.  After they secured the docks, Black trucks with black trailers pulled up.  The employees then were ordered to load them.

“They said they were acting on behalf of Donald Trump,” said Joe, who didn’t want his last name published.  “I was okay with that since I’m a Trump supporter and we are in a National Emergency.  Still, did they really need to take all the toilet paper?”

Mary, who refused to give her last name, claims she was stunned by one of the commandos.  “I suspected that they were just seizing supplies to give to Trump’s friends.  Those are essential supplies for Bolingbrook, and I am an essential worker.  So I threw myself on a pallet of hand sanitizer and said they could take this pallet after they pried my dead body off of it.  Then there was a flash, and I woke up on an empty loading dock.  I may be an essential worker, but they sure don’t pay me like one.”

Eyewitnesses say a police officer tried to stop the commandos but failed.  

“He was speeding towards the trucks,” said Paulette X. Milton, a dock worker.  “Over his PA he told the Space Force thieves to drop their weapons.  Instead, they fired warning shots next to the car.  The officer said ‘(Expletive Deleted) then sped off.  At least he tried to save our supplies.”

According to Joe, after the trucks were loaded, one of the commandos played a video message from Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner:

“In the video, Jared thanked us for taking care of ‘our’ supplies.  He said if Space Force had any leftover, they would sell it to us.  We’d get a discount if we didn’t stock any copies of the book Hiding in Plain Sight.  That was really nice of him to offer a discount. He also said something about telling Colin to keep up the good work.  Not sure what that was about, but I guess it’s good that he knows someone in Bolingbrook.”

Later, The Space Force 1st High Border Wall Battalion stationed at Clow UFO Base admitted they took the supplies:

“We are fighting a war with China to take our Moon back!  We will not let China’s space virus bioweapon stop us!  If preventing a Red Moon means civilians will have stinky asses and germ-infested hands, so be it!  MAGA!”

A receptionist for Mayor Roger Claar said he was busy, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a person who sounded like Claar, said: “We have to end this lockdown.  Sales taxes have flatlined.  Restaurant taxes are on life support.  Ulta is putting employees on leave.  Residents will leave, and I’ll be forced to sell the strip malls back to farmers.  I can’t lose my legacy.”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said: “I’m working on a campaign to get all the residents to accept mass testing and to download a COVID tracking app.  Once we can track everyone, we’ll be able to get the economy up and running.”

“Why do we need a campaign?  My residents will download it without question for the good of our village!”

“Obviously you haven’t read the Bolingbrook Politics Facebook group lately.”

Also in the Babbler:

Chicago declares Easter Bunny an “essential worker”
Trustee Carpanzano declares psychic Easter egg hunt a success
Village of Palatine adds new UFO Landing fees
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/18/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

COVID-19: A Babbler Special Report (Fiction)

With Bolingbrook, like the rest of Illinois, under lockdown due to the COVID-19 pandemic, we sent a team of reporters outside so our readers wouldn’t have to go.  These are their stories.

Church of Christopher Hitchens holds ‘Day of Booze’ service

Bolingbrook’s Church of Christopher Hitchens held a “Day of Booze” service to protest President Trump’s national day of prayer.  The church held a service in their parking lot, which was open to the public.  Attendees were offered a small bottle of whiskey and a free copy of God is not Great. Speeches by Hitchens played over a loudspeaker.

“Normally praying is a waste of breath,” said Grand Bartender Dennis X. Silverton.  “This month, it’s deadly because a sick person could be spewing death while begging a non-existent God for healing.  This is yet another example of religion poisoning Bolingbrook.”

Silverton added that he believed his service was helpful:  “Whiskey can be used to disinfect both inside and outside our bodies.  It’s better than holy water or a stale wafer.”  He also insisted that the Church of Christopher Hitchens is a real religious institution and not a way to avoid needing a liquor license. 

Beth, (who asked that we not use her last name) took a bottle of whiskey, then left the service early:

“I loved hearing Christopher Hitchens bash Islam— Especially when he said: ‘If the Qur’an was the word of God, it had been dictated on a very bad day.’  When he called Mother Teresa a fraud, I had to leave.  At least the booze was free.”

Mayor Roger Claar attended the service, though he didn’t engage with the audience.  He asked Silverton if he could “inspect” the church’s Corona Beer stock.  He later made a phone call and could be heard saying: “I’m not asking if we can use Bolingbrook Commons to house patients.  I’m telling you!” 

Weredeer struggle to find human mates due to bar closings

With the suspension of dine-in service at all of Illinois’ bars and restaurants, Bolingbrook’s weredeer are struggling to find human mates.

“The humans now want to sext instead of meet in person,” said Joan, a 20-year-old wereskunk.  “This is mating season.  I don’t want naughty messages!  I want kids!”

Steve, another Bolingbrook wereskunk, has tried “door to door” mating without success:

“Nobody opens the door anymore.  If they talk to you, it’s through a video doorbell.  When I do talk to them, my pickup lines don’t work.  Take last night, for example.  I tried this line on a woman:  ‘Women tell me their sex lives stunk until they went wereskunk.’  Instead of inviting me in, she called the Department of Paranormal Affairs on me.”

Unlike most animals, wereskunks can only conceive children with a human or skunk partner.  Most experts expect a baby boom of feral wereskunks this year.

“I’m not a bad guy,” said Steve.  “I’ll mate with my skunk cousins if I have to, but it’s boring.  Humans enjoy sex once they get around to it.  Skunks just treat it like a job.”

Joan added: “My brother had a skunk dad.  It was a struggle teaching him how to act like a human.  That’s why I want human kids, but it’s not going to happen this year.  Even when I say they don’t have to pay child support, and I’ll raise him or her myself, they’re still not interested.”

WeatherTech Restaurant closes at Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

Clow UFO Base’s famed WeatherTech Restaurant is temporally closed due to the base’s COVID-19 lockdown.

“As much as we’d like to stay open,” said manager Pete Z. Timble, “we can’t because we’ve been cut off from the factory.”

The restaurant’s meals are made with plastic scraps from the Bolingbrook factory.  For years, alien dignitaries have dined at the restaurant, and it is considered one of Clow UFO Base’s biggest tourist attractions.

Zoglod, a resident of Alpha Centauri, dined during the restaurant’s last day open:

“I fly here every year to try one of their dishes.  I’m glad I got to eat their CupFone sundae.  It was just the right mix of cold and warm plastic.  If humanity doesn’t go extinct, I’ll come back.”

According to Timble, the restaurant’s current leftover food will be added to Clow’s meal rations.  He expects the restaurant to reopen once the lockdown ends.

Also in the Babbler:

Village considers taking over all Bolingbrook Facebook groups
Will County Board Member Ventura demands county conscript all doctors
Weredogs insist they are immune to COVID-19
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/18/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.