Web Exclusive: Aliens celebrate after Village of Palatine votes to allow sale of cannabis (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Aliens at Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base celebrated moments after the village board voted to allow the sale of cannabis.

Hundreds of aliens, who watched the meeting on a monitor, cheered after Mayor Jim Schwantz cast the tie-breaking vote.  Moments later, they started chanting, “420!”

“There is intelligent life in the northwest suburbs,” said Loapasgo, from Virgo.

“Any species can discover tools and war,” said Pogost, from Kepler-443b.  “A species that knows how to get high is a truly sentient species.”

Village Manager Reid Ottesen addressed the aliens by video chat:

“Do you guys promise not to fly while intoxicated?”

“We do.”

“Do you also promise not to get so stoned that you accidentally tell any Cook County elected officials you’re from outer space?”

“We do.”

“Then all of you are invited to the best UFO Base New Year party in Illinois!”

Ottesen confirmed that Sherman UFO Base will be the only UFO Base in Illinois that will allow the distribution and possession of cannabis:

“This will give Sherman a huge competitive advantage over a certain UFO base in Bolingbrook. Legal recreational drug use should be up to each individual visitor, and not dictated by the whims of a mayor.”

He also added that aliens will be restricted to using cannabis dispensaries that will open in the North Rand Road corridor.

“We already have an entrance in that area.  All they have to do is park their spacecraft, and walk to the dispensary of their choice.  We’ll give every alien a drug test before they leave.  If they’re still under the influence, we’ll give them time to recover.  No one will be arrested.”

Goklockdock, who asked that we not name her planet, said that she will do business at Sherman UFO Base instead of Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base:

“My planet’s atmosphere is 5% THC.  At Clow UFO Base, I had to fill out several forms to get THC pumped into my quarters.  Then (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) would stop by and tell me sob stories about all the hoops he had to jump through just to get 2% THC in my quarters.  I had to donate to his interstellar campaign fund or his interstellar charity to get him to shut up.  Now I can stop here and buy my own THC and get the right concentration in my quarters.”

Loapasgo also plans more visits to Palatine:

“I used to think of suburbs as populated by frightened human breeders.  You know the kind of humans that say ‘Oh, do not build something I do not understand in my backyard.  I’m scared it will affect the resale value of my home.  Oh no!  Do not build new transportation routes into my community.  People with different skin complexion will come here.  Think of the offspring.’ This vote proves you suburban humans are changing for the better.”

No arrests were reported at Sherman UFO Base, but a Palatine resident claimed he saw an alien at Park Place Shopping Center:

“I was about to load my car when I saw this small thing run out of the mall.  It looked like a naked troll.  It kept saying ‘420’ over and over.  I got scared when it looked at me and stopped cheering.  After a while, it said: ‘You’re just having a bad trip.  I’m not real.’  Then it ran back into the mall.  It had what appeared to be some kind of computer on its wrist.  Maybe it was an alien.  If it is, then maybe I could be featured in the third season of Hellier.  Call me, Greg!”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group

Transgender locker room policy passes at Illinois school district D211 (Non-fiction)

A quick follow up on D211’s transgender locker room policy:  The D211 board voted 5-2 to allow transgender students to change in the locker room that matches their gender identity. The previous policy required transgender students to use privacy stalls when changing.  Now that’s no longer a requirement, and any student can use a stall.  Personally, I’m glad the board did the right thing and put an end to their previously discriminatory policy.

The group that fought the policy, D211 Parents for Privacy, is now vowing to flood the school board with requests for additional privacy accommodations for their kids.  It remains to be seen how many such requests the board will get.

For now, I feel it is nice to see a victory for transgender rights in Chicagoland.

Infected passengers from C/2019 Q4 transferred to Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Image of an interstellar cruise ship disguised as a comet.

Clow UFO Base officials confirmed that they received infected passengers from a cruise ship, known to the public as interstellar comet C/2019 Q4 (Borisov).

“We have taken all necessary precautions,” said Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  “Clow has one of the best medical facilities on Earth for treating visitors.  There is no danger to our residents or to humanity at large. Anyone who says differently is a foe and shouldn’t be trusted.”

C/2019 Q4 is a sub-light speed luxury cruise ship which has been traveling towards Earth for thousands of years.  According to Clow officials, the craft sent out a distress signal last month stating that half the passengers and crew were infected by an unknown illness.  After a medical team from the Interstellar Commonwealth visited the craft, they ordered most of the infected passengers removed from the craft.  Clow UFO Base was one of the sites chosen by the Illuminati to treat passengers.

Dr. Rachel X. Zimmerman, Director of Clow’s Infectious Disease Division, said many precautions were taken to reduce the risk of contamination:  “We have a special landing bay with a hospital for situations like this.  It has its own life support system.  We’re following strict quarantine procedures.  Our medical staff won’t leave until these patients are cured or incinerated!”

Qugodlak, a doctor from Barnard’s Star, said that cruise ships like C/2019 can become breeding grounds for infectious diseases:  “These ships may travel for thousands of Earth years before they can dock.  That means they’re never properly cleaned or repaired for most of their journey.  On Earth, a broken ice machine leads to food poisoning.  On one of these ships, they can create an ecosystem of death.  That why I tell my patients to never take a trip on one of these ships.”

Blousk, Head Thinker of Evolution Cruise Lines, thanked Claar for his help and defended his business:  “All of our passengers are practically immortal.  Who wants to live forever?  Those who die will die among the stars.  Those who survive will have loving memories of the evolution of humanity— As well as memories of our fine dining, and centuries of playing Gobabble Ball.”

Qugodlak said the healthy crew and passengers will be taken on a guided tour of Earth.  The ship will be depressurized and exposed to the Sun’s radiation in hopes of sterilizing it.  Once the ship is disinfected, the ship will be re-pressurized, and the remaining passengers and crew will be allowed back on board.

Their next destination will take C/2019 Q4 approximately 200,000 years to reach. 

A receptionist for Claar said he was out of the office and had no interest in commenting.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Michael Carpanzano said:  “We need to tell the whole world that Bolingbrook was chosen by Money Magazine as one of the best places to live in America this year.  Why are you shaking your head?”

A woman who sounded like Covert Social Media Operative Charlene Spencer replied: “First of all, being number 85 isn’t great.”

“Being 85 out of all the communities in the country is great!”

“Second of all, if you link to the article, people will discover that Naperville is ranked number 45.  They’ll realize that they can move to Naperville, save money, have a nearby Metra station, and be close enough to Bolingbrook to exploit all the things that make it great.”

“You’re so negative.  Why can’t you be positive, like every other Bolingbrook resident.”

“Positivity never leads to progress.”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens riot as Clow increases fuel costs
Residents clean up litter left by weredeer
Wereskunks apply for a cannabis license
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/18/19  

Web Exclusive: Democratic candidates for the IL54 State House District meet Palatine UFO Base staff (Fiction)

By Reporter X

File photo of Ryan Huffman

File photo of Maggie Trevor.

About fifty staff members of Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base attended a meeting with two of the three Democratic candidates for the Illinois 54th State House District race. Maggie Trevor and Ryan Huffman were able to participate, and Syed Hussein was not.

“There are days I want to tell our local leaders about our base,” said Sheila Danforth, president of the Space Traffic Controllers Union local #2.  “Then, I remember that Tom Morrison is our state representative.  He calls himself a tax fighter, but he seems to spend more time fighting transgender people.  Can you imagine trying to explain the gender of a Ross 128 visitor to him?  He would embarrass Palatine and all humanity.  Now, these two candidates are worthy of being the first Cook County politicians to know about our UFO Base.”

Huffman introduced himself as a “data analyst, policy expert, and political activist,” who wants to continue the work he “started as a candidate for the Sixth Congressional District.”  He described his top-secret work with the Obama administration to bring alien energy efficiency devices to market.  After his failed primary bid for Congress, he became an interstellar affairs advisor for Sean Casten, who won in the general election.

“We have the chance to be part of the Interstellar Commonwealth, but it’s only a chance.  I want to lead the next generation of leaders who will prove humanity worthy of that chance.  I want to create an Illinois that is known as an interstellar beacon of progress, instead of known for its corrupt leaders.”

Huffman concluded by saying he was eager to hear about Trevor because he couldn’t find her web page.

Trevor replied: “Oh, some cybersquatter stole it while I was thinking about a second run for office.”

“They can sneak up on you if you’re not familiar with the Internet,” replied Huffman.

“I suppose.  So I guess I’m going to have to spend some of my $35,000 campaign fund to get it back.”

Huffman’s eyes widened, and he coughed several times.

“You do have a campaign fund, right?”

“Eventually,” Huffman replied. 

Trevor said that in addition to being a Harvard Fellow, an assistant professor, and an analyst, she also helped establish Iowa City’s Tigerhawk UFO Base in the 1990s.  She currently runs Trevor Research Services.

“Some people say I’m the female Sean Casten,” said Trevor.  “I prefer to think of Sean as the male Maggie Trevor.”

A member of the New World Order asked Huffman why he didn’t accept their offer to run for the Palatine village board. Huffman replied: “Serious issues are facing my generation that I can address on the state level.  I don’t have time to deal with which subdivisions have to pay a fee to be connected to a sewer line when my generation needs solutions to climate change, student debt, and political corruption.  It’s time for the Baby Boomers to get out of the way and let #generationscrewed become #generationrenewal.”

“Generation X always gets forgotten in these discussions,” said Trevor.  “Let me put it this way:  I will not let Tom abort the progress we’ve made in Illinois.  I will keep working and retrying until our state’s problems are fixed, and I will not let Illinois fail.  The 54th District can do better than a Tom Morrison theocracy.”

Morrison refused to be interviewed for this article. 

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Trustee Watts prayer duel with former Lt. Governor Sanguinetti ends in a draw (Fiction)

What started as a vigil calling for “divine intervention” against illegal space aliens turned into a “prayer duel” between Trustee Sheldon Watts and Former Lt. Governor Evelyn Sanguinetti.

 former Lt. Governor Evelyn Sanguinetti sitting at a desk covered with papers.

File photo of former Lt. Governor Evelyn Sanguinetti.

“Jesus loves me!” said Watts, near the end of the duel.

“But you don’t love Him,” replied Sanguinetti.  “Renounce Satan and his illegal space aliens and save your soul.”

The incident started when five male “prayer warriors” gathered in front of the Bolingbrook Oberweis.  Their leader, who only identified himself as Sam, accused the store of harboring illegal space aliens: “The fake news tells us there are no space aliens here.”  He then held up an issue of the Bolingbrook Babbler with a feature story on illegal space aliens.  “We know better, and we also know that aliens are really demons.

After five minutes of prayer, Sanguinetti, who is the current Republican candidate for the Illinois Sixth Congressional District arrived.,  She posed for several pictures with the prayer warriors, then delivered a short speech.

Congressman Sean Casten is a former employee of Plow UFO Base,” she said.  

Casten actually worked at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

“I don’t know about you, but don’t you wonder if at some point, he was replaced by an alien, or if he was always an alien?”

Watts arrived in the middle of her speech and interrupted:  “Excuse me.  I think there’s been a little misunderstanding here.  The owner of this franchise is a good person, and I assure you that there are no space aliens here.  Now, let’s pray together for—”

“Lies!” countered Sanguinetti.  “God told me there are aliens here, just like He told me not to budget the state’s money.”

Watts smiled and said, “Why are you here?  We aren’t in the Sixth District.”

“Yes, which means I won’t risk killing any of my voters when I call down the wrath of God upon this wicked village.”

Sanguinetti then held up her hands and started praying.

Sheldon responded: “Well, God told me that Clow Airport is good and not to believe everything the Babbler prints.  I will show you the true power of God by calling down a lightning bolt next to you!”  He then started his own prayer.

After 30 minutes, God did not destroy Bolingbrook, nor did lightening within a mile of Sanguinetti.  A Bolingbrook police officer asked the prayer warriors to leave and they agreed to.

Sheldon claimed victory: “I think God didn’t want to scare Evelyn to death with His awesome power.  Sometimes it’s best when God doesn’t answer your prayers.  Praise Jesus.”

Sanguinetti just replied with a statement:  “God will strike down the wicked in His time.  I live in Wheaton.  I am not a socialist.  I am not an atheist scientist.  Don’t let the Democratic Party keep their stolen seat.  We must come together under one party, one nation, and one God! God bless the Illinois Sixth Congressional District!”

A receptionist for Mayor Roger Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.  

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said: “I’m getting back at (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere) for speaking at my meeting by taking away her school board trustee.  How are we going to spin this?”

A man who sounded like Trustee Michael Carpanzano said: “We’ll announce that we noticed that (Valley View School Board member Dr. Sandra Carlson) was accidentally put into office by a simple math error. So we, as helpful Bolingbrook residents, are going to fix the error with our own lawyers.”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said: “Then Igor and I will have our sock puppets JAQ-off—”

“What?” asked Claar.

“Oh just ask a bunch of inappropriate questions about (Will County Clerk Lauren Staley Ferry).  Then our Bolingbrook United sock puppets will demand that every vote be recounted, even it bankrupts both Bolingbrook and Will County.”

Carpanzano said: “That’s when I’ll say the error only happened in the precincts that favor our party.  So we don’t need to waste money recounting every vote.  That will make the First Party for Bolingbrook seem moderate and fiscally responsible.”

“Then our selective recount will remove Dr. Sandra Carlson from the school board and replace her with one of our candidates.  Once we regain full control of the school board, we’ll be able to implement our “Democracy is Dumb” curriculum.   Igor says he’ll have the textbooks translated into English from Russian by the end of the week.”

“I like it,” said Claar.  “Great job Yin and Yang!”

Also in the Babbler:

Zombies spotted in Romeoville
Sentient algae found in Bolingbrook swimming pool
Claar asks Russia to bring summer back to Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/1/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Interceptor from Clow UFO Base shot down over Palatine (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Officials from Rob Sherman UFO Base in Palatine, IL confirmed they shot down an interceptor from Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  The incident is the latest escalation in the war between the Illuminati and the New World Order.

Juan Z. Stevens, a spokesperson for Sherman UFO Base, said the interceptor violated their air space:  “The craft was on an intercept course towards an alien craft trying to land at our facility.   The interceptor pilot ignored our warnings before entering our air space.  We rightfully assumed that it was hostile and took immediate action.”

According to Stevens, Sherman UFO Base, which is controlled by the New World Order, has been sabotaged several times by Illuminati operatives since it opened this year.  Stevens accused Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar of being behind the attacks, and accused Claar of ordering the interceptor to violate their air space.

“Mayor Roger Claar hates our base because we take traffic away from his Illuminati occupied base.  With this incident, he has escalated  from threatening our facility, to threatening our visitors.  This is not acceptable.  It is a violation of Interstellar conventions, and we will file a protest, and rush construction of our hypersonic missile launchers on Dundee RD.”

The interceptor crashed into Deer Grove East Forest Preserve, and started a fire.  Firefighters rescued the pilot, who only had minor injuries, then turned him over to the New World Order.  The fire burned 50 acres before it was under control.  

The next day, the New World Order released the pilot to Bolingbrook officials in exchange for a New World Order operative who was being held at Clow UFO Base.  Both were reportedly in good health.  However ,the released New World Order operative said listening to Claar’s pro-Illuminati lectures should be “considered a form of torture”.

Paul Z. Coker, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs, defended their pilot’s actions: “Clow UFO Base has exclusive rights to the Chicagoland area.  We’ve been tolerant of the NWO’s two illegal bases, but our tolerance has its limits.  This craft ventured unacceptably close Roger’s home.  We had the right to intercept and inspect this craft to ensure Roger’s safety.  This attack against our interceptor is unacceptable, and this is why Roger has called for the complete and unconditional surrender of the New World Order.”

Stevens said the closest the craft came to Claar’s home was when it was 60,000 feet over West Dundee.

Coker conceded that the craft was over West Dundee, but said it crossed two centimeters into a no-fly zone that protects Claar’s home.

Coker added that Claar was “generous enough” to give the New World Order three weeks to shutdown Sherman UFO Base, make a donation to his Interstellar Campaign Fund, and remove all “foes” from Bolingbrook:  “All real residents support Roger, and have faith in his decisions. Anyone who disagrees with him is a foe, and must be removed.”

Claar and Palatine Village Manager Reid Ottesen could not be reached for comment.  This reporter attempted to stop by Palatine Mayor Jim Schwantz’s home, but was stopped by a police officer.  While this reporter talked to the officer, a man who looked like Schantz stepped out of the house, wearing a bluetooth headset and carrying a bag of garbage.  He walked towards two toters.”

“Mayor Jim Schwantz, Fremd High School graduate, and former Chicago Bear, takes to the sanitation gridiron.  He scans the driveway.  He spots his wide open 96 gallons trash toter.  He pushes the lid back, released the bag, and it’s caught!  He closes the lid.  Boy, this toter has great protection against the elements, and wild animals.  What’s this?  Schwantz senses the approaching sanitation defenders closing in.  The pocket seems to be collapsing.  He’s about to be—No!  He grabs both the trash toter, and the 65 gallon recycling toter and rushes to the end of the driveway.  You know, not only does the recycling toter have a lid, it also has wheels, and offers great protection against the wind.  No busted coverage in this community!  He’s about to reach the end zone.  Wait!  His wife just handed him a bag of garbage.  But there’s no room in the toter.  What will he do?  He drives the toters into the end zone, and spikes the trash bag to the ground.  Because no one in Palatine is forced to own a toter.  Thus our sanitation policy sacks your policy!  What’s that?  Wow!  Your campaign fund is bigger than mine.  Then again, Ryan Leaf’s salary was bigger than mine, and you know who performed better in the NFL.  Hello?”

Also in the Babbler:

Hidden Lakes Monster spotted for the first time this year

Skepchick Party to hold first convention in several years

Bolingbrook skunk honored for her trash art

God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/23/19

Note: This is a work of fiction.

AOC confronts IL06 Republican candidate Sanguinetti during an Illuminati event at the Bolingbrook Golf Club (Fiction)

Former Lt. Governor Evelyn Sanguinetti’s speech at the Bolingbrook Golf Club to the Illuminati turned into a confrontation with Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez:

Sanguinetti, who is currently running to be the Republican candidate for Illinois’s Sixth Congressional District, started off her speech by promising to “do to Congress what (Former Governor Bruce Rauner) did to Illinois!”  She added: “The Illuminati is about creating chaos, and Illinois was in chaos!  I helped create that chaos, and I want to help you create that same kind of chaos on a national level.  Only this time I promise to ban abortions too!”

She then accused current Representative Sean Casten of being a “New World Order puppet” who “pals around with Alexandria Whats-her-name” and secretly wants to bring about communism.

“The Sixth District wants chaos.  I know that because I can see Russia—I mean Wheaton, from outside my bedroom window.  We don’t need a mad scientist like Sean in office.  We need someone who will resist the Green Deal death panels.”

Ocasio-Cortez then appeared on the video screen above Sanguinetti.

“Hello,” she said.  “I am Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Wild Knight of the Illuminati.  But cool people call me AOC.”

“Miss. AOC—”

“You’re not cool.”

Ocasio-Cortez then accused Sanguinetti of not understanding the Illuminati:  “We don’t create chaos for the sake of chaos.  We are a bipartisan group that believes humanity is best served by destroying the neoliberal world order.  I support the Illuminati because we only have 11 years to prevent irreversible damage from climate change.  The New World Order created this mess, and we have to destroy them if we’re going to save the planet.”

She then offered advice to Sanguinetti: “You’re not going to impress us by acting like a defective Sarah Palin clone.  We value politicians who will advance our cause—  Like me.  Just yesterday I persuaded Bernie Sanders to defect to the Illuminati. The New World Order will never recover from a Trump/Sanders race.”

The audience then gave the congresswoman a standing ovation.

After the applause, Ocasio-Cortez said, “By the way, Sean doesn’t like the Green Deal, and isn’t a member of any secret society.”  She then logged off.  

Sanguinetti stared at the audience for several uneasy moments.

“I wasn’t prepared for that,” she finally said.  “But that’s OK because Bruce told me that only liberals are prepared.  Can you believe they wanted us to prepare a budget each year?  That’s so Chicago Machine liberal!”

Sanguinetti resumed her speech.  After finishing, three men, wearing cheap replicas of plate mail armor, stood up and chanted, “DnD is really great!  Why are you so full of hate?”

DuPage Township Trustee and Illuminati Chaos Knight Alyssia Benford told them to be quiet.

When they asked who she was, she replied: “You just insulted the residents of Bolingbrook.  The lie: Who are you?  The truth: I have a CPA. Squires!  Attack!”

Three men and one woman charged at the protesters, wielding squashes as weapons.

“They aren’t LARPing!” cried one of the protesters before all of them fled.

After the speech, many did not seem impressed with Sanguinetti.

“She’s okay,” said a woman who asked that we not use her name or title.  “But I’m really looking forward to the (State Representative Jeanne Ives)/Benford ticket for governor.”

“There’s never a dull moment in our secret society,” said another member of the Illuminati.

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook recovers from another snow attack
Clow UFO base braces for Mayor Claar’s return as administrator
Hidden Lakes monster resumes hibernating for six more days
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/1/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

New World Order opens UFO bases in Palatine and Peotone (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The New World Order officially opened its Palatine and Peotone UFO Bases over the weekend.  The two bases will compete with Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, which was controlled by the Illuminati, and is currently being administered by the Interstellar Commonwealth.

Select local residents and political leaders celebrated as the first cargo of computer chips landed at Peotone UFO Base.

“I’m so happy,” said Village Clark Donna Werner.  “To paraphrase Carol Burnett, – It’s like giving birth after being pregnant for 51 years— and the baby is beautiful!”

Will County Executive Larry Walsh spoke briefly at the opening:

“I love talking about how Will County is now the gateway to the stars.  First, though, I have to address the most pressing concern of our residents:  How will this new UFO base affect their property taxes?  Thanks to the fees that will be generated by this base, we will now have the option to reduce your property taxes.  We are so fortunate to be able to collect revenue from two UFO bases.”

Will County Board member Jackie Traynere praised the opening of the base, but expressed hope that the conflict between the New World Order and the Illuminati would end soon:

“Someday, I hope someday, we can merge Clow and Peotone UFO bases.  If that happens, then both communities will be the home of the largest UFO base on Earth, period.”

Clow UFO Base is currently the largest urban UFO base in the world.

In Palatine, the New World Order held a grand opening party at the Park Place Shopping Center.  The seemly abandoned mall is actually one of the control centers for the base.

Village Manager Reid Ottesen thanked the New World Order for selecting Palatine, but said he still objected to the name of the base:

“Did you really have to call it the Rob Sherman UFO Base?  He’s the reason we don’t have a village seal.”

“He was our best operative in this area,” replied Thomas Xavier, the New World Order’s Administrator for Illinois.

“Why not name it after our best writer, Frederik Pohl?”

“More of our alien visitors remember Rob’s debate with the Space Pope than have read any of his books.”

“That’s sad.”

Ottesen then reminded the audience that Mayor Jim Schwantz, and every other Cook County political leader, was not aware of the base.  

“That’s another bad idea, but our village really needs the money, so I can’t complain too much.”

“I don’t care if someone is a member of the Democratic or Republican Party,” replied Xavier.    A Cook County politician is a Cook County politician.  As long as you keep them away from our base, we will reward your village.”

Representative Sean Casten, who lives in DuPage County, thanked the New World Order for paying the salaries of Federal Workers at Sherman UFO Base during the Federal Government shutdown.  He also reflected on his time as an employee at Clow UFO Base. Then, he apologized to the aliens in the audience:

“This not our country’s finest moment.  This is not our species finest moment.  We are divided, and our planet is in danger of overheating.  I hope that in this moment, good people will stand up and do what is right for our planet, and my district.  Please give us a chance to prove ourselves worthy of membership in the Interstellar Commonwealth.”

Schwantz arrived near the end of the celebration.  He was told that he was attending a costume party to celebrate the new businesses planned for the mall.  He complimented aliens for their “great costume designs” then gave a brief speech:

“Palatine is a great community,” he said.  “So I hope the owners don’t have any secrets to hide.”

The crowd gasped.  

“Relax.  I was just referring to that one Indian Restaurant that had a secret Mexican restaurant inside.  I still can’t figure that one out.”

Xavier mumbled something about the closing of a New World Order affiliated facility.

“Anyway, I’m sorry we can’t watch a Bears game this weekend but do say welcome to the community.  I can’t wait to see what you’re going to do with this mall.  I’m guessing one of the new businesses is going to be a costume shop.”

“Sure,” replied Xavier.  “That’s the plan.”

A member of the Interstellar Tribes of Israel, who asked not to be named, said he was looking forward to visiting Palatine:  

“Now I can attend Kol Hadash and Beth Chaverim services and not deal with the long car drive from Bolingbrook.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar called the two bases, “Pale imitations of Clow that will go out of business within a year.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook survives another Russian snow attack
Trustee Maripat Oliver says her campaign website is unfinished, not proof of a split-personality
Weredeer endorse the First Party for Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/15/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

The election of our discontent: Our readers speak out (Fiction)

By Doug Fields
The Reader’s Editor

Election season is almost over with, and this one will probably go down as one of the most important in US history.  Will a blue wave of liberalism sweep over the country, or will a red tide of fascism rise up?  You, the readers, will decide.  We’ve mostly been getting generic form letters from supporters of each candidate, but I found a few original ones worthy of being published:

To the Editor:

#Blexit is dishonest and old school.  Kanye West has shown me the true path to liberation: #Yeexit!

What does #Yeexit mean to me?  It means not supporting a political party just because one of them passed the Civil Rights Act over 50 years ago, or because the other freed the slaves over 150 years ago.  It asking what each party will do for blacks.  It also means looking at each candidate’s positions and their current conduct.  

#Yeexit has a simple message for politicians of all parties:  Don’t take us for granted.  Earn our vote, now!

Claude Z. Washington
Bolingbrook, IL

That’s good advice for everyone.

For some reason, we’ve been getting some suspicious letters from the Sixth Congressional District.  Here’s the most interesting one.

To the editor:

I’m a tax-loving pansexual transgender Hillary Clinton Democrat who believes global warming is real because it was hot last summer.

I won’t be voting for Sean Casten because he denied five women the opportunity to run for Congress!  I’ve also conducted my own research on the Internet, and I keep seeing the word “Stupid” pop up.  He makes me mad!

He also said he admires a man who refuses to date women!  How hateful is that?

Peter Roskam once said he supported the Violence Against Women Act.  That’s good enough for me!

I also heard that there will be many liberals voting for Peter Roskam and that will include #metoo!

Insert Female Name here
Don’t use Wheaton, IL
Don’t send until approved by Peter.

Oops.  

For the record, all the women who ran against Casten later endorsed him.  We’ve even heard that some are campaigning for him in the general election.  He admires Dan Savage for creating the “It Gets Better” campaign.  Savage won’t date women because he’s gay.  Congressman Peter Roskam voted for the Violence Against Woman Act before he voted against it.  I guess he’s from the John Kerry school of voting.  Lastly, Casten has undergraduate degrees in molecular biology and biochemistry.  He also has a masters’ degree in both engineering management and biochemical engineering.  So pardon me if I doubt the Koch Brother’s description of Casten.

Closer to home, we also have quite a few people commenting about the Bolingbrook Park District’s referendum.  First the Yes side:

To the Editor:  

Did you know in this election, you can vote to give the Park District more money, and to lower your taxes at the same time?  Is it magic?  Is it an act of God?  Who cares!  I urge all voters to put the Bolingbrook Park District first and vote yes on the Park District Referendum.

Mitchel Troutkowski
Bolingbrook, IL

Now the No side:

To the Editor:

The Bolingbrook Park District has sunk to a new low in their effort to sneak their new tax increase by us.  I was going to put up some yard signs opposing the next tax, but then I saw someone had beaten me to it.  So I decided not to make the signs.  Then one day I decided to go to the URL on the No signs.  The website is actually for the Yes side!

This is evil.  Residents should be enjoying the full savings from the Park District paying off a bond.  Instead, the Park District is sneaking in a new tax and hoping we don’t notice it because our tax bill will drop slightly.  

Don’t be fooled!  This is a tax increase, and taxes are evil!  Resist evil.  Vote no and unite against the Bolingbrook Park District.

Sam Z. Peterseim
Bolingbrook, IL

This is almost as fun as reading the Bolingbrook Politics on Facebook.  Seriously, it comes down to this: Do homeowners want to save a little money, or do they want to save a lot of money?  We will find out this week.

Remember:  Soldiers and activists died so you could vote.  Don’t waste their sacrifice.  Vote on November 6th.

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar:  No plans to place armed citizens at polling places
Alien election observers arrive in Bolingbrook
Editorial: Lack of sex isn’t an excuse to kill people
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/7/18

Clow UFO Base bans political display ads on spacecraft (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base announced it is banning all UFOs from displaying political ads on the outside of their spacecraft, and from showing them during abductions.

“I don’t know what (Mayor Roger Claar) was thinking,” said acting administrator Aplodoxage Glomox during a press conference.  “Actually, I have my suspicions, but this is not the place to talk about them.”

Two UFOs flying over I-88.  Each is displaying a political ad.

A rare photo of two UFOs with political ads. They were photographed flying over I-88.

Since 1989, Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs has allowed aliens to sell political advertising space on their spacecraft, provided they did not violate visibility rules.

“Depending on the time of day, a craft may be visible to the naked human eye,” said Paul Z. Coker, spokesperson for the department.  “All the visibility windows vary, but they’re all less than a minute long.  A lot of political campaigns will pay good money for those few seconds.”

Clow UFO Base staff will not provide a list of ad buyers. They insist that all the human buyers have permission to contact aliens.  Sources confirmed that off-world “political influencers” have bought ads, but refused to provide more details.  Ads could only be paid for using Interstellar Credits.

Glomox said the display ads are inconsistent with the Interstellar Commonwealth’s policy towards Earth:

“We are supposed to be subtly guiding humanity towards full membership in the Commonwealth.  Political ads on our spacecraft are as subtle as the rings of Saturn.  Besides, there are only two types of ads:  Either ‘this candidate is perfect’ ads or ‘this candidate is evil’ ads.  Neither are helpful.  Some humans worship us. So we have to take our role as guides seriously.”

Posslot, a resident of the Barnard’s Star solar system, is disappointed in the ban: “Sure I made a fortune off of the ads, but they’ve also helped my research.  Running (Representative Peter Roskam’s ads) proved to me that you can raise your constituents’ taxes all you want as long as you call yourself a Republican and call your opponent a Democrat.”

Stizaleek, a resident of Pluto, said she was going to stop putting ads on her UFO anyway:  “I like Lauren Underwood, and I wanted to help her.  So made my own video ad, and displayed it on my craft.  One night I flew over her house and sent her a message telling her about my ad.  At first, she didn’t know what to think of about my craft, but then she replied that if I was going to run ads, she couldn’t talk to me.  Something about being against the rules to coordinate with political action committees.  Well, I don’t want to be a political action committee of one.  So I stopped running the ads.  I still hope she wins.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was out of the office for the rest of the week.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz said: “Charlene, did you hack my Facebook account, and were you the one who told (Trustee Rick Morales) that I wrote that fake post?”

“Not now,” said Charlene.  “I’m in the middle of something, Bob.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts yelled: “That’s not how the Universe works.  That’s not how anything works!”

“Charlene, what’s going on?” asked the man who sounded like Jaskiewicz.

“Roger asked me to help Sheldon get ready for next year’s campaign.  So I decided to help toughen him up by locking him in a room with Kanye West.”

“Does Roger know you’re doing this?”

“He said that as long as I get results, he doesn’t care how I do it.”

The man who sounded like Watts yelled: “Charlene, get me out of here!”

“You still have 57 minutes left.”

“I can’t take it anymore.”

“I’ll let you out if you refuse the holy spirit.”

“You’re evil, Charlene!”

“You’re so judgmental, Sheldon!  I identify as amoral.”

A man who sounded like West said, “You can’t leave now.  I still need to talk to you about Drew Peterson.”

The man who sounded like Watts screamed.

Also in the Babbler:  

Men in Blue defuse anti-matter bomb at Clow UFO Base
Mayor Claar denies Bolingbrook will invest in a lunar golf course
Bolingbrook Politics administrator denies 99% of members are Russian trolls
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/31/18

Note:  This is a work of fiction.