Web Exclusive: Alien drops coal plant in front of Bolingbrook Village Hall (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook authorities are looking for an alien who dropped a miniature coal plant in front of Village Hall.  A note, left by the alien, said it was in protest of President Donald Trump withdrawing the US from the Paris Climate Agreement:

“Mayor Roger Claar must have a CO2 fetish because he worked so hard to get Donald Trump elected.  If Roger desires CO2 so much that he is willing to destabilize Earth’s climate and threaten human civilization, then may he please accept my gift.”

The alien dropped the six-foot tall coal plant around midnight, then fled in a cloaked UFO.  The plant automatically started burning coal.  The Men in Blue successfully shut down the plant before it could alter Bolingbrook’s carbon footprint.

“Bolingbrook is building a reputation as Naperville south,”  said an official who asked to remain anonymous.  “Coal Plants would harm that reputation, which why we had to shut down the plant.”

Other sources confirm that the plant was moved away from Village Hall before residents could notice it.  They also confirmed that Illuminati clerics are examining the plant to determine its origin.

Claar could not be reached for comment.

Two aliens charged with impersonating Shopkins (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs charged two Proxima Centauri aliens, impersonating Shopkins, with endangering human minors.

“This is unacceptable!”  Said Jill Z. Parker, spokesperson for the department.  “Bolingbrook has strict rules regulating our visitors’ interactions with children.  We also have the toughest rules for examining children.  So let me assure you, we will punish those aliens, regardless of what the Interstellar court rules!”

Shopkins are collectible toys that are very popular among young children and adults obsessed with collecting toys.  Characters are based on grocery or retail items.  The Retail Tracking Service named Shopkins the best selling toy of 2015.  In addition to the figures, they also have a web series, a movie, and trading cards.

Though Shopkins figures are only 1 inch tall, eyewitnesses said the aliens were about 6’ 5” tall and wore furry Shopkins costumes.

“Those costumes were a kid magnet!”  Said an anonymous eyewitness.  “No little kid can resist a person in a furry outfit!  Those aliens are evil!’

A Bolingbrook officer, who asked not to be named, said he saw one of the aliens:

“I was on patrol when one of the neighborhood kids waved me down.  She said, ‘I saw Kooky Cookie in my best friend’s backyard.  I don’t think that’s right.’  I had no idea who Kooky Cookie was, but I had to check it out.  I followed the kid, and then a caught a glimpse of a giant cookie.  I wasn’t sure if it was a pervert in a suit or an alien.  So I called the department, and tailed it until they met up with me.”

Jen, who asked that we not use her last name, said she walked into her backyard and saw her son playing with the two aliens:

“One looked like a giant cookie.  The other looked like a giant blue cake.  They looked familiar, but I didn’t recognize them at the time.  Anyway, I told my son not to play with strangers.  He said, ‘They’re not strangers.  They’re Shopkins!’  Good thing the Men in Blue arrived when they did.  Otherwise, I don’t know how I was going to fight them off.”

Koxmodox, the lawyer for the aliens, insisted his clients were innocent.  “This is all a big misunderstanding.  They didn’t want to kidnap anyone.  They just wanted to make the children of Bolingbrook happy.  Wouldn’t you do that for a species you know has no future?  (Mayor Roger Claar) should give each of them a medal, and drop all the charges.”

Charline Z. Spencer, a public relations for the Village of Bolingbrook, said Claar could not be bothered.

“You must be Reporter X.  I can tell by your distorted voice.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar spoke:  “Absolutely not.  I swore that Bolingbrook would never become a sanctuary village.  No exceptions!  Go hide from your constituents somewhere else, Roskam!”

Fascist aliens launch surprise attack on Bolingbrook (Fiction)

By Reporter X

A “free speech” rally by alien fascists quickly turned into a military-style assault on Bolingbrook and Clow UFO Base.

Explained Deputy Mayor Leroy Brown: “This was not a riot.  This was not a misunderstanding. This was a coordinated attack against Bolingbrook!  It failed!”

The aliens, who said they were members of the “Superior Right,” started their rally inside Embassy Row Park.  Promotional materials for the rally claimed it would feature controversial speakers from around the galaxy.  Instead, the MC walked on stage and made an announcement: “We just got the signal from Berkeley.  You know what to do!”

The fascist aliens, some wielding improvised weapons, started attacking humans.

Jacob, a Clow staff member, survived the alien fascist attack.  “I thought they were going to praise Bolingbrook’s commitment to free speech.  Then this alien wearing a swastika shirt charged at me.  He didn’t look like a Raelian. Fortunately, a Man in Blue stepped in before he could hurt me.”

That attacker also tried to storm the Illuminati and the Rosicrucians embassies.  Over 100 were injured before Clow security subdued all the attackers.  There were no deaths.

At the same time, two UFOs de-cloaked and attacked Bolingbrook.  One appeared over the Bolingbrook Golf Club and the other over Walmart.

George, who asked that we not use his last name, witnessed the attack at the golf club.  “I had just swung the ball, and I saw it ricochet in mid-air.  My first thought was that all the stories about Bolingbrook and UFOs were true.  Then I wondered if there was a rule about balls hitting UFOs.  Anyway, it became visible a few minutes later.  It’s hard to describe the craft, but on it were the words ‘This machine kills anti-fascists!’  I hopped into the golf cart and sped away before the craft started shooting.  I didn’t realize aliens hated this golf course so much.”

Eyewitnesses say this UFO was destroyed by Clow’s anti-UFO drones.

Other eyewitnesses credit Jill Z. Palmer wth stopping the attack on Walmart.

“I didn’t do anything special,” said Palmer.  “The UFO landed and the aliens rushed out of the ship.  I was the first human they tried to punch.  Fortunately, I know MMA, so I held them off for a bit.  I asked them why they wanted to punch humans.  One of them said they wanted to show the human race that fascists punch back.  Another pointed a scanner at me and told me that it said I was inferior.  I asked if he had ever used it on himself.  He did.  Then he made a weird facial expression.  He scanned his fellow fascists too.  This is the weird part.  They stopped fighting and recorded a selfie.  They talked about how tough they were and how they beat us all up.  Then they flew away.”

Brown praised the Department of Extraterrestrial Affairs for the coverup of the attack.

“When (Mayor Roger Claar) comes home, he won’t suspect a thing.”

Brown then issued a warning.  “If you are a fascist, gang member or a communist, do not attack Bolingbrook.  We will not strike first, but we will strike last!”

Also in the Babbler:

Residents relieved the world didn’t end last weekend
Naperville considers buying powered armor suits for the police
Lisle police protect Easter Bunny from atheist hunters
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/20/17

Web Exclusive: Mayor Claar denies he’s ‘evacuating’ from Bolingbrook this weekend (Fiction)

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar insisted that his trip to Saturn’s moon Enceladus is a vacation, and not related to a possible war with North Korea.

“You guys are always jumping to conclusions!”  Said Claar.  “Let me set you straight.  You just found out about this trip, so you assumed that I am evacuating from Bolingbrook.  I’m not!”

Claar insists that his family was invited by Melania Trump to attend the grand opening of the Trump Enceladus Resort. He did not explain why the trip was only added to his itinerary this week.

“That’s just how things worked out,”  Claar replied.

Claar added that he was looking forward to the wine and cheese event on Saturday.  “The bacteria on Enceladus is used to make the best cheese in the solar system.  That moon just happened to be in the news when Melania called. I had to say yes because it is a great honor to be invited to taste that cheese.”

Claar added that the bacteria are grown on the surface of Enceladus. According to Claar, cheese production does not affect the underground ocean.

Another event Claar said he was looking forward to is the Easter Egg Roll. “This is the event she actually put effort into.  It will be much better than the White House event.  The low gravity will make it fun to watch.”

When reporters from the interstellar media kept asking questions about the possibility of World War III, Claar finally answered them.  “In the unlikely event of a nuclear war with China or Russia, I have ensured the continuity of government while I am away. Deputy Mayor Leroy Brown will be in the bunker below the Bolingbrook Golf Club.  The other trustees will be safe at Clow UFO Base.  Bob (Jaskiewicz) will have to fend for himself until he’s sworn in as trustee.”

Claar then handed a Brown a tablet and the key to open its case.

“I’m handing Bolingbrook over to you.  I’m sure you’ll do a good job like you always do.”

Brown sighed.  “Thanks a lot, Roger.”

Claar said he should be back before April 25, “barring any unforeseen events.”

Web Exclusive: Space alien announces candidacy against Representative Roskam (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Alien tycoon Zolkbolt announced his candidacy against Representative Peter Roskam (R), in the Sixth Congressional District.

Zolkbolt joins an already crowded field of Democratic candidates.  However, she is not intimidated.

“With my superior education and a US citizen host, I will be unstoppable in both the primary and the general election.  I am over 200 of your Earth years old, which will appeal to the conservative voters in the district.  My platform is out of this world, which will appeal to both the liberal and open-minded voters in the district.  I have more US dollars than all of the parties combined.  My message to Roskam is simple: I bought your browsing history.  Do the words ‘map porn’ mean anything to you?”

After accusing her opponents of “conventional thinking,” she offered her plan to pay off the US Debt:

“Astroid mining!  Even with inefficient government management, enough materials could be extracted to pay off the debt and fund the government for thousands of years!

Zolkbolt made her fortune trading cow manure from Earth in exchange for GMO prototype seeds.  She says that she has sold her business so she can concentrate on the campaign.

Legally, covert law scholars disagree if Zolkbolt is eligible to run.  The New World Order forbids aliens from running for office, but the Illuminati will grant permission in special cases.  With control of Congress in flux between the two groups, the interstellar courts could eventually settle the issue.

An anonymous spokesperson for Democratic candidate Amanda Howland denounced Zolkbolt.

“There are enough humans running in this race right now.  We don’t need an alien joining the race.  We need to come together around the only candidate who has experience running against Roskam!  The aliens can keep Bolingbrook.  The Sixth District wants a humane human like Amanda to represent them.”

A staffer at Roskam’s office said he was busy selecting constituents to meet with this week.

In the background, a man said, “Peter, you have to hold a town hall meeting soon.  The voters think you’re avoiding them.”

“No way!”  Said a man who sounded like Roskam.  “Do you realize how hard it is to gaslight an entire auditorium of people?  When this campaign is finished, my supporters will vote for me, and my opponents will be paralyzed with indecision.  Trust me.”

Web Exclusive: New coal requirements spark protests at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

UFO crew displays its dislike of the rule require all UFOs to by fueled by burning coal.

UFO crew displays its dislike of the rule requiring all UFOs to by fueled by burning coal.

Enraged by Melania Trump’s announcement that visiting UFOs must be fueled by coal, thousands of aliens protested and rioted at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

While coal can be used to fuel some alien reactors, the new coal requirements say any alien craft landing at an Illuminati controlled UFO Base must be fueled by burning coal.

Mrs. Trump explained in a video presentation: “We have taken away Appalachia’s economic development funding, their clean water, their clean air, their health care, and their environment!  It is only fair that you take and burn their coal!”  She added that since natural gas is so cheap, it is unlikely that there will be any new coal plants built in the United States.

When some alien economists pointed out that requiring coal powered UFOs could reduce interstellar traffic to nearly zero, Mrs. Trump said she didn’t care.  “The coal industry and the coal miner unions donated money to my husband’s campaign.  They want results, and we will make you deliver those results!”

Another alien scientist asked why it wouldn’t be better for Earth to buy all the coal in North America and dump it on Venus.  “Venus can’t get any worse, Earth will have its carbon stockpile reduced, and the miners will get their money.”  Mrs. Trump replied that this plan would require congressional approval, “And we have other plans for the surviving members of Congress.”

Following the announcement, thousands of aliens marched to the Illuminati embassy to protest.  300 were arrested for attempting to breach the forcefield.  Others chanted anti-Illuminati slogans and called for the New World Order to retake Clow.

Merchant Blohegil said she attended the protest because she was furious at what it does to her business.  “There’s free trade.  There’s protectionism.  There’s communism.  Then there’s (expletive deleted) the free market!  Guess what I think this is!”

Sxop Xlop was angry as well:  “The Interstellar Commonwealth has gone to great pains to ensure that we do not disrupt human cultures and protect the environment.  Now they want to command us to pollute Earth?  No!  I will not obey President Fake Human Trump!”

Hundreds of Black Bloc-inspired aliens attacked customs stations at Clow:

“They say give back!  We say (expletive deleted) that!  They say steampunk!  We say cyberpunk!”

While there were no fatalities from the attacks, dozens of security personnel were treated for exposure to stink bombs.

The violence and protests subsided once it was announced that the coal requirements were suspended until the Interstellar Trade Organization could review them.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar estimated the damage at “a few billion dollars,” but insisted that Clow’s security had everything under control.  “Aliens riot at Clow.  What else is new?”

Space aliens enjoy debate between Bolingbrook mayoral candidates Roger Claar and Jackie Traynere (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook mayoral candidates Roger Claar, the incumbent, and Will County Board member Jackie Traynere engaged in a spirited debate at Clow UFO Base. Moderated by the Priory of Sion, Claar, who is aligned with the Illuminati, and Traynere, who is aligned with the New World Order, faced off in a town hall style debate.  It was their only scheduled debate before the April 4 election.

Before the debate began, Lesser Master Robert Gonzaga explained that while extraterrestrials will not be allowed to vote, the winner of the election will be the next administrator.  “One of these candidates represents the future of Clow UFO Base.  Will the New World Order reclaim this base, or will the Illuminati remain?”

Claar started by claiming to be an “independent Republican.”

“As my opponent won’t let you forget, I publicly supported Donald Trump while other Illinois Mayors were afraid to speak up.  She called it a betrayal of Bolingbrook.  I call it independence!  I remember many years ago, my advisors told not to spend taxpayer dollars to build a high-end golf club and an expensive housing development.  I didn’t listen them, and today we have the Bolingbrook Golf Club, and Americana Estates.  When the Illuminati said I should say, ‘Fnord’ at the end of my speeches, I said, ‘Ford’ because I know the ‘n’ is silent!”

Traynere stated that she too is an independent Democrat.  “When the Illinois Democratic Party wanted me to support Hillary Clinton, I decided to Support Bernie Sanders instead.  After the primary, the Bernie or Bust people tired to pressure me into joining them.  Instead I supported Hillary, and the Democratic Party, because I knew it was time to come together. Now, more than ever, Bolingbrook needs to come together.  To paraphrase a famous actor, Trump will not divide us!”

During the first question and answer session, many aliens asked about Clow’s new restrictions for gaining off-base visitor’s passes.  Others complained that the Illuminati’s new rules are making it almost impossible to exchange information with local human businesses.

Claar dismissed both of those concerns. “There are only two choices!  We can either have tightly controlled immigration to Clow, or we can have no forcefields and let every one in.  I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to see Bolingbrook residents eaten because of bleeding heart liberal policies!”

Traynere disagreed. “There is a middle way that allows for economic growth while protecting our secrets.  That way is following the sensible polices of the New World Order that served Clow so well for decades.”

Claar, in a departure from his positive campaigning, attacked Traynere’s political affiliations.  “If she wins, the corrupt Cook County Democrat party will take over.  You talk about Bolingbrook’s debt.  How about the debt Chicago has?  A debt created by your party!”

Traynere shook her head.  “You should know better, Roger.  That would be like me taking credit for California’s success under the Democrats, and blaming you for Kansas’ disastrous policies under the Republicans.”

During the second question and answer session, Qua, an alien, said that Claar also serves as Bolingbrook’s Liquor and Tobacco commissioner.  She asked if both candidates would appoint someone else to run those offices.  Traynere said yes.  Claar said an unprintable phrase.

Another alien asked both candidates how they intended to deal with Bolingbrook’s public debt.  Traynere said she would look into transferring part of Bolingbrook’s covert funds into public accounts. Claar was more blunt.

“Let me tell you a secret!  The only time Republicans give a damn about the debt is when a Democrat is in charge.  Just look at the Reagan administration!”

After two hours, both candidates gave their closing remarks.

Claar started talking about “real culture appropriation” before closing his notes.  “I don’t need help from Steve Bannon.  Look, its simple.  I don’t care what the residents of Bolingbrook look like, just as long as they keep electing me mayor.  As long as any resident doesn’t inconvenience me or President Trump, they can stay in my village.  Oh, and if you’re one of those people who believes in a diverse Bolingbrook, you can attend my Diversity Rally/Fundraiser on March 9.  Tickets are only $5.  Ford!”

Traynere talked about respecting the diversity of the community, and her commitment to supporting economic growth in Bolingbrook.  “Before the split, the Illuminati’s greatest creation was the United States of America.  The founding fathers selected a motto for the new country.  ‘E pluribus unum.’  ‘From many, one’.  To me, that’s also a fitting description of Bolingbrook.  From many backgrounds and cultures, we gather together to become one village.”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar denies meeting with Russian ambassador
Extraterrestrials caught stealing Jackie Traynere’s yard signs
Martian Colonies close down Clow consulate
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/10/17.

Web Exclusive: Skepchick and Center for Inquiry evicted from Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

IMG_2198

Clow International Airport, which serves as a cover for Clow UFO Base.

First Lady Melania Trump evicted Skepchick and the Center for Inquiry from all Illuminati controlled UFO bases, including Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  Both organizations have represented the skeptical movement to the greater interstellar community since 2013.

Melania made the announcement during a hastily put together video conference.  “UFO sightings have skyrocketed since we made this unholy pact with both groups!  Flying Saucer, Cigar and Sphere sightings are rising!  It is obvious that both factions of the skeptical movement are more interested in serving their New World Order masters than in covering up UFOs!”

She then gave both organizations four hours to evacuate their consulates.

Paula X. Kelly, acting Skepchick ambassador at Clow, was shocked.  “I thought Rebecca (Watson) was pulling a prank on us.  We’re not responsible for sightings.  We’re responsible for creating cover stories after the sightings.  So I sent Rebecca a text.  She replied with a video chat.  She told me it was real, then gave me the authorization codes to start Operation Bad Puppy.”

The staff then quickly, but orderly, started removing portable hard drives and shredding all documents.  They then drenched the entire interior of the consulate with cat urine.

“I always wondered why we kept gallons of cat urine on site,” said an anonymous staffer.

Once the building was evacuated, Kelly and Watson then detonated firebombs, incinerating anything left in the building.

“I hated to do that, but we couldn’t risk any sensitive information falling into the hands of the Illuminati and their Neo-Nazi allies.”

Joan Y. McNeil, CFI’s ambassador based at Clow, thought the announcement didn’t apply to CFI.  “Yeah we’re technically part of the New World Order.  We also have diplomatic immunity, and we’re with Richard Dawkins!  I thought we were too important to be evicted.”

Thirty minutes later, CFI president and CEO Robyn E. Blumner called and asked about the evacuation.

“She chewed me out when I laughed at her.  She said it was a real order, and Richard couldn’t stop them.  I didn’t think it was possible.  We agree on so many things with the Illuminati!  Why should we be kicked out over a one percent difference?”

The staff, now panicking, started smashing their computers, and setting bonfires to destroy their papers.

“We never planned for this.  This isn’t a third world country!  This is America.  This is where we bring secular activists whose lives are in danger.  Maybe we’ll need to be rescued next?”

During the initial chaos, McNeil reached around the movement’s “deep rifts” for help.

“The staff of the Orbit were so helpful!  They taught us how to wipe our hard drives so even aliens couldn’t access them.  I also learned a Freethought Blogs writer how to overload our fusion reactor without blowing up the Chicago area.”

The staff of both embassies have relocated to Hub 35 UFO Base, a New World Order affiliated base located in Rochelle, IL.

Many staff members wished for the conflict between the Illuminati and the New World Order to end.

“They don’t have to work together, but they could at least stop trying to destroy each other.  Humanity loses when they fight,” said an anonymous staffer.

Sources close to Mrs. Trump say she will announce the formation of a new Illuminati aligned skeptical organization by mid-April.

Web Exclusive: NASA releases Trappist-1 findings after Interstellar Court rules against Space Pope (Fiction)

Trappist-1 Solar System

An artist conception of the Trappist-1 system released by NASA/JPL.

By Reporter X

The 109,298,291 Circuit Court, based in Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, denied the Universal Catholic Church (UCC) motion to suppress’s NASA’s findings about Trappist-1.

According to lawyers representing Space Pope,  Pope Lacoxo MMX, God commanded that only church officials are permitted to look at Trappist-1 and its seven planets.  NASA’s scheduled press conference, they argued, violated their religious freedom.  They demanded the cancellation of the conference and the death of all scientists involved in the research.

Lawyer Gloz explained: “The system Earth called Trappist is the only place in the galaxy where Christ appeared seven times at once!  This miracle is symbolic of the seven levels of Heaven and the seven truths of the universe.  It must only be looked at by those who are blessed.  If NASA releases their findings, it will lead to an increase in abortions, web traffic to Freethought Blogs, unmarried women, and cat ownership!  God will be forced to smite Earth unless this court forces NASA to stop!”

Though the US government prohibited any of its covert lawyers from defending NASA, lawyers from the Popehat Interstellar Collective defended NASA.  They called the UCC a “government-like” organization and said its religious liberty case was “similar to a communist government saying it has the freedom to be repressive.”

Popehat lawyer Poxlog attacked the UCC’s claim that the planets were a holy site.  “Our research revealed that Trappist-1 was really a resort solar system for the Church’s leaders.  While they preached the virtues of ‘ritual only sex’ and the evils of mountain climbing, they were having orgies in their mountain chateaus.  This restriction was set up to prevent their followers from finding out.  In fairness, their last reformation ended these abuses, but the restriction stands.  It no longer serves its original purpose.”

Popehat lawyer Kenbloth said the court could only impose the ban if there was a compelling secular reason to do so.  “There is a three part test, and the plaintiff’s request does not pass it.  NASA is not presenting evidence of advanced civilizations on Trappist-1.  Stating that Trappist-1 has seven planets is not stating that there are civilizations on these worlds.  Speculating about life on these planets is not the same as proving that there is intelligent life in those worlds.  You have to dismiss this case.”

The judge asked Gloz if there was a secular reason to impose the ban.  Gloz said there was.  “It is a fact that God exists.  It is a fact that Jesus is his son.  It is a fact that Pope Lacoxo  MMX is Jesus’ emissary.  Therefore the universe requires you to suppress this unholy press conference!”

After several moments of stunned silence in the courtroom, the judge dismissed the case with extreme prejudice.

When the judge left, Gloz called the Popehat Interstellar Lawyers “godless.”

“Thank you.”  Kenbloth replied.  “We’ve worked hard to build that reputation.”

At a conference with the interstellar media, Gloz said they would not charge NASA for their services.  “We will go anywhere in the Milky Way to answer a Popehat Signal!”, said Gloz.  The group of lawyers then urged the interstellar public to read the Earth blog that inspired them.

Aliens released from Milo Yiannopoulos speech (Fiction)

(CN: Hate speech by a fictional version of Milo Yiannopoulos.)

By Reporter X

Photo of Milo Yiannopoulos

Photo by @Kmeron.

Over a thousand aliens were released after Clow UFO Base officials “required” them to attend a Milo Yiannopoulos speech.

“There’s a galactic treaty that bans torture!”  said Ivos, a resident of Kornix Confederation.  “(Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) just violated it by forcing us to listen to a living random bigotry generator!  I’m filing a complaint with my ambassador!”

Yiannopoulos, a self-proclaimed Gamergate spokesperson and Breitbart editor, was invited by the Illuminati to speak at Clow as part of his “Universal Outrageous (explicative  deleted) UFO Base Tour.”  Promotional materials promised “an evening of politically incorrect lulzs by a man who will confuse your male appendages!”

While Milo’s speeches have attracted large audiences at college campuses, only six aliens had bought tickets the day before the event.  There were no tickets sold the day of the event.  It was at that point that Claar decided to make the event mandatory.

An anonymous source explained: “The contract states that any perceived walkout or boycott of a Milo event constitutes a violation of his free speech rights.  That could result in a loss of funding.  So we had to make sure the auditorium was full.  Otherwise he’d get mad, and we’d lose our Illuminati funding.”

After herding the aliens, Michael Z. Webber, president of the Freedom Humanists Association, delivered the warmup speech.

“I’m not here because we’re the only Illuminati approved humanist organization in the world.  I’m not here because I agree with him.  I disagree with almost everything he believes in.  But!  This is a big but!  When feminists make me feel bad with their privilege lectures, he makes me feel good!  That’s why I absolutely support his absolute freedom to speak.”

Milo then entered the auditorium on a gold plated floating throne, surrounded by bored gay men wearing Speedos.  When Milo landed on the stage, Webber kneeled and handed him a Humanist of the Year medallion. Milo laughed, grabbed the medallion, then motioned for Webber to leave.

Sitting on his throne, Milo announced the title of his talk, “Mars Needs Humans.”  Though the Martian Colonists are universally accepted to be technologically ahead of the human race by 10,000 years, Milo argued that humans are really the more advanced species.

“Political correctness has corrupted the galaxy!  Thanks to the space feminists, you have been fooled into believing that martians are smart.  They’re not smart.  I’m going to say it!  They’re stupid!  Martians are stupid!  Isn’t amazing that I’m saying that!  But I am!  You know I’m correct!”

An alien interrupted.  “Excuse me!  I think you mean the Martian Colonists!  Native Martians never evolved beyond bacteria. The—”

“You interrupted me!  You dared to violate my right to speak freely?  Get him out of here!”

After the alien was removed, Milo’s servants walked among the audience to collect questions.  Instead of reading the questions to Milo, the men shredded them.

“Stop attacking Milo with fake facts!”  One of them yelled.  “You’re violating his free speech with these questions.”

Milo then said he would offer a preview of target of his next campaign: Intersex babies.

“I just want to protect women and children from having to see these (derogatory description deleted)!  So I’m showing you guys these pictures.  Maybe you can abduct their parents, and brainwash them to fix their kids!”

Before Milo could show the images, an alien ripped out her chair and threw it at the screen.  She screamed that he was a bully and picking on babies was a new low, even for him.  Security arrested her.

“Anyone else want to infringe on my free speech?”

Another alien screamed, “Drum circle!”  A drum kit appeared in front him, and he started performing a drum solo.  Other aliens started pounding on the chairs.  After several seconds, an Illuminati operative fired a taser at the alien playing the drum kit.  The alien started to slow down his playing, and swayed as if he was trying to stay awake.  Moments later, the alien pulled out the taser cords, and he started to play faster.  Many in the crowd cheered.  Finally, security broke through the crowd and arrested him.

“Intersex babies matter! Rock hard against bigots!”

Milo shook his head.  “Is anyone else here stupid enough to protest me?”

Almost all of the aliens raised an appendage.

Milo screamed, then pointed towards the doors.  “You’re protesting my right to free speech.  You’re refusing to tolerate my intolerance!  Well, you failed!  I’m still here!  Now get out!  Get out now.  But before you leave, just know that I’m unstoppable!  I got a trans woman to quit college, and I got a book deal!  I threatened to out undocumented students, and I got invited to Bill Maher’s show.  Every time you protest me, I am rewarded by serious men!”  He used his fingers to make a triangle.  “Fnord!”

Ivos was one of the aliens who raised his appendages.  “It was the only way we could escape.  Most of us couldn’t take any more of his gish gallop.”

Claar couldn’t be reached for comment.

Webmaster’s Note: After this article went to press, Milo lost his book deal and keynote speech at CPAC due to unearthed comments he made about Pedophilia. 

Also in the Babbler:

Soviets give Chicago a break from winter
Werecats canvas for Jackie Traynere
Crimes committed by ghosts on the rise in Chicago
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/24/17