Mayor Claar leads delegation to Bolingbrook’s sister planet (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Mayor Roger Claar visited Bolingbrook’s sister planet, Bogingabook, to mark the twentieth anniversary of their sisterhood agreement.

Crystal alien addressing an audience.

File photo of a resident of Bolingbrook’s sister planet.

“When I first heard that there was a planet with a name similar to Bolingbrook,” said Claar to the interstellar press corps, “It was as if the universe was telling me to make them a sister community to Bolingbrook.”

Claar also told the press that neither tax dollars, nor the village’s covert funds, were used to pay for the trip:  “I used my interstellar campaign fund to pay for this delegation.  There are constituents on this planet that I’d like to meet, and we have other campaign business to conduct…And no, it does not involve abducting residents and brainwashing them into voting for the Bolingbrook First Party!”

Trustee Sheldon Watts, who is running for reelection in 2019, recorded part of a campaign ad on Bogingabook:

“I love STEM and I love Bolingbrook,” said Watts, reading his lines.  “Not only was I mentored by Leroy Brown, but I’m also a nice guy.  I deserve your vote for Trustee in this election, and I am determined to do whatever it takes to make you vote for me.  I might even host a surprise event at your favorite restaurant, or canvass your home.  Whatever it takes to win, I will do, because this nice guy doesn’t believe in finishing last.”

Trustee Deresa Hoogland read Bolingbrook’s community announcements before an excited audience of 100,000 fans.

“You are the best silicon-based beings I have ever had the pleasure of reading to,” said Hoogland.  After minutes of cheering, she announced that she was not running for re-election.  “I understand that my true calling in life is to tour the Milky Way and read announcements. I love all of you!”

“We love you too,” replied one audience member.  “In a non-mating way!”

The delegation also visited a reception with the political leaders of Bogingabook.  While leaders and delegation members gave speeches full of pleasantries, there was some tension when Claar introduced himself to the son of Bogingabook’s former ambassador, Conlosi:

“Hello,” Claar said to Conlosi.  “Did you know that your father plagiarized Star Trek when he called my residents ‘ugly bags of water?’”

“It’s not plagiarism if it is a statement of fact,” replied Conlosi.  Humans are up to 60% water and are undeniably ugly to us.  Besides, did you know that your offspring insulted my father?”

“My daughter didn’t insult your father,” replied Claar.  “She objectively pointed out that your father’s crystal brain was pretty, and I still agree with her.”

“If my father were still alive,” said Conlosi, “He would try to kill you for saying that.  Fortunately for you, my culture underwent a great gender revolution, and we are no longer obsessed with our reproductive appendages.  So I will make you feel better by imitating the sound that you call laughter.”

“Actually,” said Claar.  “I would feel more at ease if I made a small donation to your favorite interstellar charity.”

Claar then transferred credits to the charity.

“Where are your other trustee candidates,” asked Conlosi.

“They’re still getting their security clearances from the Illuminati.  It’s an expensive process, but we’ll work it out in the end.”

“Impressive!  You had a great expense but still donated money to my charity.  I must repay you by making a large donation to your interstellar campaign fund.”

“You don’t have to.”

“But I insist.”

Claar accepted the donation.  Later he spoke with Watts:  “Sheldon, sisters communities are just like real sisters.  Some days they want to kill you.  Other days they love you as if you mean the world to them.”

Also in the Babbler:

Residents concerned as Venus citizens buy Bolingbrook homes
Palatine’s Mayor still in the dark about new UFO Base
Claar begs President Trump not to impose tariffs on Interstellar Commonwealth
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/22/18

Clow UFO Base bans political display ads on spacecraft (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base announced it is banning all UFOs from displaying political ads on the outside of their spacecraft, and from showing them during abductions.

“I don’t know what (Mayor Roger Claar) was thinking,” said acting administrator Aplodoxage Glomox during a press conference.  “Actually, I have my suspicions, but this is not the place to talk about them.”

Two UFOs flying over I-88.  Each is displaying a political ad.

A rare photo of two UFOs with political ads. They were photographed flying over I-88.

Since 1989, Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs has allowed aliens to sell political advertising space on their spacecraft, provided they did not violate visibility rules.

“Depending on the time of day, a craft may be visible to the naked human eye,” said Paul Z. Coker, spokesperson for the department.  “All the visibility windows vary, but they’re all less than a minute long.  A lot of political campaigns will pay good money for those few seconds.”

Clow UFO Base staff will not provide a list of ad buyers. They insist that all the human buyers have permission to contact aliens.  Sources confirmed that off-world “political influencers” have bought ads, but refused to provide more details.  Ads could only be paid for using Interstellar Credits.

Glomox said the display ads are inconsistent with the Interstellar Commonwealth’s policy towards Earth:

“We are supposed to be subtly guiding humanity towards full membership in the Commonwealth.  Political ads on our spacecraft are as subtle as the rings of Saturn.  Besides, there are only two types of ads:  Either ‘this candidate is perfect’ ads or ‘this candidate is evil’ ads.  Neither are helpful.  Some humans worship us. So we have to take our role as guides seriously.”

Posslot, a resident of the Barnard’s Star solar system, is disappointed in the ban: “Sure I made a fortune off of the ads, but they’ve also helped my research.  Running (Representative Peter Roskam’s ads) proved to me that you can raise your constituents’ taxes all you want as long as you call yourself a Republican and call your opponent a Democrat.”

Stizaleek, a resident of Pluto, said she was going to stop putting ads on her UFO anyway:  “I like Lauren Underwood, and I wanted to help her.  So made my own video ad, and displayed it on my craft.  One night I flew over her house and sent her a message telling her about my ad.  At first, she didn’t know what to think of about my craft, but then she replied that if I was going to run ads, she couldn’t talk to me.  Something about being against the rules to coordinate with political action committees.  Well, I don’t want to be a political action committee of one.  So I stopped running the ads.  I still hope she wins.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was out of the office for the rest of the week.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz said: “Charlene, did you hack my Facebook account, and were you the one who told (Trustee Rick Morales) that I wrote that fake post?”

“Not now,” said Charlene.  “I’m in the middle of something, Bob.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts yelled: “That’s not how the Universe works.  That’s not how anything works!”

“Charlene, what’s going on?” asked the man who sounded like Jaskiewicz.

“Roger asked me to help Sheldon get ready for next year’s campaign.  So I decided to help toughen him up by locking him in a room with Kanye West.”

“Does Roger know you’re doing this?”

“He said that as long as I get results, he doesn’t care how I do it.”

The man who sounded like Watts yelled: “Charlene, get me out of here!”

“You still have 57 minutes left.”

“I can’t take it anymore.”

“I’ll let you out if you refuse the holy spirit.”

“You’re evil, Charlene!”

“You’re so judgmental, Sheldon!  I identify as amoral.”

A man who sounded like West said, “You can’t leave now.  I still need to talk to you about Drew Peterson.”

The man who sounded like Watts screamed.

Also in the Babbler:  

Men in Blue defuse anti-matter bomb at Clow UFO Base
Mayor Claar denies Bolingbrook will invest in a lunar golf course
Bolingbrook Politics administrator denies 99% of members are Russian trolls
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/31/18

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

DuPage Township Trustee Oliver defects to New World Order (Fiction)

During a secret executive session of the DuPage Township Board, Trustee Maripat Oliver announced that she is leaving the Illuminati, and joining the New World Order.

“It was fun being a Knight of Chaos for the Illuminati,” said Oliver.  “It reminded me of my younger days.  Of course, I was also on the wrong path back then.  Now, I think creating global chaos is the wrong path.  So I offer my apologies to the NWO, and I hope they will accept me into their ranks.”

Supervisor William Mayer, a member of the NWO, accepted Oliver’s defection. He then blamed Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar for the turmoil in the Township:  “Years ago, Roger said I had to join the New World Order if I wanted to hold any leadership positions in Bolingbrook.  I did and things worked out.  When Roger defected to the Illuminati, he ordered me to defect.  I saw no reason to.  I like it when things are in order.  (Bolingbrook Village Clerk Carol Penning) gave me a warning back in January, and I still said no.  We’ve said a lot of things, skipped meetings, gotten sued by a staff member, and are now being torn apart by a secret war.  Let’s move forward, and set aside secret society politics — so that we can get back to the job of caring for elderly Republican voters, and helping people in general.”

Trustee Alyssia Benford, who is running for the Illinois House of Representatives, laughed:  “My fellow knight (Trustee Dennis Raga) and I laugh at your pathetic speech.  Roger is Bolingbrook.  When Roger told me to run for this board, I ran.  When Roger told me to join the Illuminati, I did.  When Roger told me to become a Knight of Chaos, I did.  When he told me to run for the State House, I did.  After the election is suspended, I will be appointed to the State House, and you will burn in the fires of chaos I will ignite.  Bill, you used this township to build your power.  I used this township as a ladder, and I am now burning that ladder so no one can follow me.”

Raga added, “We will be the greatest Knights of Chaos in the history of the Illuminati.  We know the true power of booze, boobs, EDM!  Booze, Boobs, EDM!”

“Enough!”  complained Trustee Ken Burgess.  “Why couldn’t the seniors take me on their trip?, After all I’ve done for them, the least they could do is to rescue me from all of you?  We were once an award-winning slate.  Now, look at us!”

“It’s not too late to be saved,” Benford said to Burgess.  “Swear loyalty to the Illuminati, and I will write an article in the Will County Gazette exonerating you.  If you don’t, either my followers will drop pumpkins on you, or the Edgar County Watchdogs will arrest you.  Ford!”

“It’s pronounced ‘Fnord,’” said Mayer. “Even I know that.”

“Roger told me to pronounce it ‘Ford,’” said Benford.  “Anyway, can we get this meeting over with?  All of you are boring me and wasting my time.  Roger says I’m destined for greatness!”

Also in the Babbler:

Republicans stunned as Democratic congressional candidate Sean Casten vows to lower property taxes
Mayor Claar rules that zombies must pay local property taxes
Ghost whispers ‘wallpaper’ after visitors use Mayor Claar’s bathroom
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/17/18

Guest Opinion: DuPage Township Democrats say vote no on the Bolingbrook Park Board Referendum (Mixed)

The following is a guest opinion submitted by the DuPage Township Democrats and does not necessarily reflect the viewpoint of the Babbler’s staff.

"Vote No! "$14 Million Park District tax increase.

The DuPage Township Democrats urge Bolingbrook residents to vote against the Park Board referendum.

On September 19 the DuPage Township Democrats discussed the upcoming Nov. 6th Bolingbrook Park Board Referendum that will increase our property taxes.  DuPage Township Democrats voted unanimously to VOTE NO on the upcoming ballot measure.

Capital Bond Issues should be reserved for new operational needs, not maintenance.

  • Capital Bond issues should be reserved for new operational projects, not maintenance.
  • Below is a list of additional reasons that we do not and cannot support this addition to our property tax:
    Poor fiscal management and prioritizing.   Ex. Paying out over $500,000 in legal fees over 4 years to fight a union covering 48 landscape employees. This “Union Busting” money should have been used for playground maintenance or improvements they want.
  • One of the projects is improving the BRAC entrance. The BRAC entrance does not need renovating. It is functional and clean. 
  • The center island of the lazy river at BRAC does not need new pavilions. This is only an excuse to have new areas to rent out for special events. The taxpayers have to pay to build them, then pay to use them.
  • Even though the taxpayers of Bolingbrook paid to build the BRAC and thru property taxes pay for the operation of BRAC, there is not one venue or activity they can use or participate in without paying fees.
  • Bolingbrook has only one public pool to serve over 76,000 residents and the thousands of non-residents that use the pool. Yet their priority is activities that require more and higher fees.  The priority should be more FREE aquatic services for the village. Votes
  • The Park District has shown, as too many taxing bodies do, the desire to spend more and more taxpayer dollars, but not the need to spend more.

When there is an opportunity for taxpayers to have their taxes drop, our taxing bodies should welcome that opportunity.

Web Exclusive: Androids and werecats clash during the IL06 Congressional campaign (Fiction)

Are werecats in the Illinois Sixth Congressional District supporting Democratic candidate Sean Casten?  Does Republican incumbent Peter Roskam have a small army of androids? Some constituents say yes.

File photo of a suspected werecat.

Christine, who asked that we not use her last name or her hometown, said androids placed a Roskam sign on her front yard:  “I told them there must have been some kind of mistake.  I said I wasn’t a Roskam supporter.  Guns popped out from the back of one them.  It aimed them at me and said, ‘Now you are.’”

Christine called the Roskam campaign. After objecting five times, a human staffer took the sign away.

“He said I couldn’t tell the fake news about this.  Well, the Babbler is real news, so I don’t think he meant to exclude you guys.”

Peter, who lives in Barrington, claims he saw a werecat supporter of Casten.  According to Peter, the werecat peed on his Casten yard sign.  When Peter complained, the werecat changed into a human:  “After I got over my shock, she said, ‘Don’t worry.  I’m just marking the sign so Roskam’s machines won’t bother it.’  She talked about how much she loved Sean and that she was finally glad that an independent thinking scientist and businessman was running for Congress.  Then she said Peter believes the voters of his district are pack animals, and the werecats were going to let their voices be heard during this election.  If Sean can inspire werecats to support him, imagine what he can inspire our Congress to do?”

Julie, a resident of Elgin, claims to have seen werecats and androids while driving late at night:  “I saw these giant half human, half cat, creatures running beside a truck with robots attacking them. It turns out the truck had Casten yard signs, and the robots were trying to destroy the signs.  I swear I recorded it on my phone, but the video vanished when I tried to upload it to YouTube.  Maybe this is why there are so few Bigfoot and UFO videos online.  YouTube is secretly banning the real videos!”

A volunteer for the Roskam campaign denied that Roskam had an army of androids:  “That’s not true.  Let me get my notes.  I think there’s a special list of talking points for your paper.  I can’t just call you ‘fake news.’”

In the background, a man who sounded like Roskam said: “So while Sean was trying to bore me to death, I looked at his file.  His donation record was pitiful.  He honestly expected me to listen to his lecture for free.  So I walked out of the meeting.”

“How rude,” said another man.

“Yes.  He doesn’t even know the right way to shuffle notes during a debate.  Anyway, who are you representing today?”

“Today I am representing the Society of Recovery Audit Contractors.  Every day we protect Medicare from orthotists and prosthetists who want to be paid for their devices.”

“They’re cutting Medicare for me.  I like your client already.”

“I also brought you a gift worth less than $5.”

“Which you wrapped in money!  Impressive.”

A receptionist for the Casten campaign denied that werecats were helping the campaign:  “Not true, and Sean is in a meeting.  You can’t talk to him.”

In the background, a man who sounded like State House Speaker Michael Madigan said: “You didn’t ask for my permission to run, now you want my help?”

A man who sounded like Casten said, “I’m running for Congress, not the state house.  I don’t need your permission to run.  You’re welcome to help me if you want, but you don’t have to and I’m not asking for your help.”

“Damnit!  That’s not how this works.  Let me ask you again.  Why should I support you?  I’m tempted to endorse Peter Roskam because his tax plan imposes a federal tax on Illinois taxes.  That’s genius!  So give me some good reasons why I should support you instead?”

“You should support me because I won the Democratic Primary.”

“Not good enough.”

“Fine.  Some scientists say we are dangerously close to the Earth becoming a hothouse.  I will fight to prevent that.  Peter Roskam won’t.”

“So?”

“So it means our environment won’t be able to sustain our economy and our civilization.  It means no more Chicago, no more Cook County Democratic Party, no more Illinois Democrat party, no more Illinois, and an end to your political dynasty.  I won’t play your games, but I will fight to create a sustainable environment where Lisa’s grandchildren have the opportunity to continue your legacy.  I think Peter Roskam wants to destroy the environment to spite you and to win Donald Trump’s favor.”

After several seconds of silence, someone dialed a phone number.  The man who sounded like Michael Madigan said, “Release the endorsement flyers.”

Web Exclusive: Mayor Claar punishes Illuminati operative following Casten/Roskam debate (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar punished an Illuminati operative for incompetence following the Illinois Sixth Congressional Debate.  

Rep. Peter Roskam (Left) and Sean Casten (Right) during their first televised debate on Fox 32 in Chicago.

According to a transcript obtained by the Babbler, the operative was supposed to plant a device in Rep. Peter Roskam’s podium to calm him, and another in Sean Casten’s podium to make him angry and agitated.  The operative mixed up the podiums.

“I thought they were going to seat Sean Casten stage left, and Roskam stage right,” protested the operative.  She added, “I probably should have known that Fox would put the Republican stage left to get more attention from the viewers.  Still, it was a simple mistake.”

Claar, who has been a leader in the Illuminati since 2016, replied, “Your ‘simple mistake’ may have cost us a useful stooge in Congress.  Peter has done so much to tear down our government.  We needed him to look like a calm leader and Casten to look like a panicked frat boy.  Do you know how much it will cost us to flood the Sixth District with subliminal ads to make up for what you did?  I’ve already invested $2000 in the Roskam campaign.  Now I’ll have to invest more.  Are you really a New World Order double agent?”

In the transcript, she knelt before Claar and begged for forgiveness.  Claar said he could have her executed, but he would show her mercy.  He ordered her to drive the “Gauntlet of Boredom” and not to return until she completed 100 laps.  

Sources within the Chicagoland Illuminati say the operative was last seen driving towards the construction site at Weber Road and trying to get on to I-55.

When called for a comment, Claar replied: “Do you know how happy I am that I raised over $300,000  last quarter?  Happy enough to play along with one of your interviews.  Let’s see, is it about Bigfoot porn?  Oh my God!  Who are you and what are you doing in my yard?”

A young man replied: “I’m with the Congressional Leadership Fund.  Oops.  I mean the Roskam campaign.  I’m putting up this free yard sign for you.”

“I don’t live in his district, and a yard sign here doesn’t help him. Don’t you know the boundaries of the Sixth district?”

“I don’t care.  They just pay me, and right now they’re paying me to put up yard signs in every donor’s yard.”

“Do you know what happened the last time someone tried to decorate my home without my permission?”

A staffer at Casten’s Barrington’s campaign headquarters refused to comment about the Illuminati:  “Fake stories don’t matter.  What matters is Sean won the debate, and we’re celebrating.  The Barrington Battle Station is ready for victory in November!”  Dance music played in the background for a few seconds then suddenly stopped.

A man who sounded like Casten said, “Guys!  Gather around me.  Now, I’ve never had someone doing victory dances for me, and I’m flattered.  But its way too soon!  Peter is hurting, but he’s not finished.  There’s too much money in his Wheaton War Room to ignore.  We have to keep canvassing and calling residents.  Did you see me shaking hands with the counter-protesters following the debate?  If I can shake hands with activists who traveled 30 miles to yell at me, you can meet with the friendlier Republicans in our district.”

On a video chat, an out-of-district Republican staffer canvassing with Roskam said: “I thought I was just signing up to talk to people about Congress.  I didn’t realize I was going to work for a political campaign.  Peter is starting to scare me.  You know how upset Peter is about this election?  He stopped spending time with his maps!  Now he’s actually out talking to residents.  He says he’s talked to 20,000 residents, but this is only the fifth one I’ve heard him talk to.  I don’t think ribbon cuttings should count.  Oh my God!  You’ve got to see this.”

The camera turned to show Roskam standing on the porch of an irate resident.

“Look at this Sean Casten tweet,” said Roskam.  “It’s not true.  He deleted it rather than issuing a formal apology and dropping out of the race.  He said words matter.  This tweet shows who Sean really is!”

“Words do matter,” she replied.  “For starters, there’s no such thing as an ‘average median.’  The median income here is below $100,000.  Your plan is skewed towards constituents who make more than that.”

“Don’t believe everything you read.  You know Steve Strauss in Plainfield, right?”

“No.”

“Good.  Steve owns Fries BBQ and Grill.  He said my tax plan will allow him to give his employees a raise.  Sean wants to—  Hey!  What are you doing on your phone?”

“Using Google.”

“You’re going to trust Google over me?”

“Yes, and even if you told me the truth, overall wages have dropped since your tax bill was enacted.”

“I’m tired of this toxic environment Democrats have created.  I’m trying to be bipartisan, and they’re running candidates against me.  Didn’t you watch the debate?  Sean said abortion is just like gallbladder surgery.  Is that insane?”

“You’re not a psychologist, and I’d rather have a congressman who thinks of abortion as a medical procedure than one who would use his wife’s stillbirth to avoid talking about his past mistakes.”

“Gallbladder surgery?”

“If you had your way, miscarriages and stillbirths would lead to criminal investigations.  It was terrible what happened to both of you, but it would have been worse if the police investigated your wife for prenatal neglect and abuse after the stillbirth. Would you have liked that?”

“Don’t listen to the liberal media.  Look.  I’ve stood up to my party and earned the endorsement of the American Chemistry Council for my work protecting the environment.”

“You voted to let coal companies pollute waterways!  You’ve always said one thing, and done another by voting against it.  You give politicians a bad name.  Now get off my property and don’t touch my Casten sign.”

The woman flipped off Roskam and slammed the door.

“I am one of the most powerful men in Congress.  I am on the Ways and Means Committee. I serve the real interests of this district.  Let me keep working in Congress, goddamnit!”

Village Board celebrates opening of ‘troll farm’ in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Members of the Village Board attended a ribbon cutting ceremony for Bolingbrook’s newest business, American Engagement.  The company, according to its press release, “aggressively promotes the interests of our clients on the Internet and restlessly pursues those who oppose their interests.”

Meme of a man spearing a carp.

“Carped” meme created by a Bolingbrook troll farm. (The Babbler staff choose not to show the subject’s face because he is not a public figure.)

“I’ve heard you’ve been called a ‘troll farmer,’ said Mayor Roger Claar to owner Craig Z. Bell.  “I don’t see any trolls here.  I see hard-working residents participating in the 21st-century economy.”

Bell thanked the mayor and trustees for attending the grand opening.  “Before my parents gave me my startup funding, they said that no one was better than the Russians at meme generation and forum engagement.  I replied that not only could Americans compete with the Russians, we could provide a better service than they can.  They gave me the money.  Roger gave me the opportunity, and here we are.  I’m proud to be a Bolingbrook business employing Bolingbrook residents.

After the ribbon cutting, Bell took the trustees on a tour of the facility, which was once a warehouse.  According to Bell, the facility is open 24 hours, and employees are paid to monitor and participate in thousands of social media groups and Reddit communities using specialized accounts.

“Each specialized account is maintained by at least three employees, providing 24 hours of continuous engagement on behalf of our clients.  All of our employees are legal US residents.”

“Don’t you mean fake accounts?”  asked Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz.

“Why are you so hostile towards local businesses, Bob?” countered Claar.

Bell introduced the board members to an employee who did not say his name.  He said hi, then took pictures of Trustees Deresa Hoogland and Maria Zarate.

“Thanks.  I needed more chick pics.”

Bell chuckled and said, “He’s going to make both of you Internet famous.”

“Ooh,” replied Hoogland.  “That means more Internet viewers when I read my public service announcements.”

In addition to “forum engagement,” Bell said AE also produces memes.  He then showed them their “Carped” meme:

“This is the first of what we hope will be many successful memes.  You should see the engagement numbers in Bolingbrook Politics and Bolingbrook Rants and Raves.

“Wait a minute,” said Claar.  “You know this is a picture of one of my supporters.”

“Yeah, and he shouldn’t start arguments with people before blocking them.  Roger, this is all in good fun.  The important thing is that if we can create engaging content about a little-known resident, imagine what we could do for or against politicians or annoying activists.”

Bell then showed the board a meme they plan on releasing next year.  It was a painting of Trustee Sheldon Watts arm wrestling with Will County Board member Jackie Traynere.  The spirits of deceased Trustee Leroy Brown and deceased former Mayor Ed Rosenthal are pushing Sheldon’s hand.  A demon and Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel are pushing Jackie’s hand.

“That’s so beautiful,” said Watts.

“Are memes like this really good for democracy?” asked Jaskiewicz.  

“Bob, we told you not to criticize Sheldon because he was mentored by Leroy.  Have you no respect for the dead?”

“We’re a republic, not a democracy,” added Bell.

At a reception following the tour, a woman walked up to Bell:  “Hi.  I’m a new village employee.  As part of my new hire testing, I’m supposed to give you this check.”

Bell accepted the check.  Jaskiewicz looked at Claar and frowned.  Claar took the new hire aside:

“You were supposed to wait until after Bob left.”

Also in the Babbler:

The Prophet Mohammad rumored to be attending Joyfest
Susan Sarandon supports Clow UFO Base Occupation
Russian trolls vow to destroy the DuPage Township
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/1/18

Web Exclusive: Space Nazis canvas Illinois 3rd Congressional District for Arthur Jones (Fiction)

(Content notice:  Depictions of Nazis and racism)

Bethany, a resident of Brookfield, didn’t give a second thought when she heard the doorbell.  Looking through her peephole, she saw three men, whose bodies appeared to have been painted in white house paint, wearing white slacks and white polo shirts.

“What do you want?”  She asked.

“We are ordinary Volkswagens,” said one of the men.  “I mean Volks.  I mean people.  We are like you, only whiter.  We’re here to talk to you about the next sub-link, I mean orbiza, I mean congressman from this concentration, I mean the Third Congressional district. Arthur Jones.”

“Like all residents,” said another man, “He is a blue-blooded American.”  The man then pulled out a knife and cut himself.  Blue blood rushed out of the wound.

Bethany screamed and called 911.  She claims two Men in Blue walked up to her porch, cleaned up the blood, and told her not to tell any mainstream media outlets about what she saw.

“I guess the Babbler doesn’t count as a mainstream outlet,” she said.

Dozens of residents claim to have seen aliens canvasing the district for Jones, the Republican candidate for the district.  He is a former member of the American Nazi Party and a white supremacist.  His website and some of his flyers promote holocaust denialism.  Jones has been denounced by the Illinois Republican Party, including Governor Bruce Rauner.

Since Jones’s primary victory, space Nazis, and beings with similar beliefs, have tried to infiltrate the district and work for his campaign.

“He hasn’t raised any money on Earth,” said Joan Armstrong, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “We suspect all his campaign staff and volunteers are undocumented interstellar visitors.”

Joe, who asked that we not use his last name, also encountered what he claims was a Nazi from space.  According to Joe, he opened the door and saw a frail older man.  The man claimed he was the last surviving member of a lunar Nazi colony created by the Germans at the end of World War II.  

“I asked him why, if the Nazis had such advanced technology, they didn’t win. He said something about waiting for the right moment.  When cores of their atomic bombs expired, they still waited.  Even when they ran out of food and water, the leadership said it wasn’t the right moment.  He said Arthur Jones’s primary victory was that moment.”

Joe claims he punched the man, then called the police.  “I always wanted to punch a real Nazi.  I’ve known survivors of the Holocaust, and hitting him was the least I could do.  Of course, I could also become a member of the Skokie Holocaust Museum.  I could also forget about the mean things I said about Representative Dan Lipinski during the primary and vote for him.  Dan hates gay marriage, but he wouldn’t vote to kill us.”

Ruth, who asked that we not use her last name, believes she encountered aliens pretending to be white supremacists.  According to her, ten were on her front lawn holding Tiki Torches, and chanting, “Jews will not replace us.”  One of the alleged aliens walked up to her and said his name was Lukas.  “He said that the ‘yellow-pinkish race’ needed to stand up to the bankers living in the capital city of Elyakim.  I said I’d never heard of it.  Lukas said it was the ancient Jewish capitol.” 

Elyakim is the capitol city of one of the Interstellar Tribes of Israel.

Ruth claims that another alleged alien whispered to Lukas. Lukas then said he really meant Jerusalem and Israel.  Ruth said that she was Jewish, and thought the aliens in front of him were vile and evil.  Lukas replied they weren’t evil because they were being anti-semitic “ironically.” Ruth claims she sprayed mace at Lukas’s face, and his head melted like butter. Then the others ran off.  Headless, Lukas replied, “You ruined a perfectly good human suit.”

Armstrong said Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, at first, was able to capture most of the space Nazis that landed at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  When protesters took seized Clow UFO Base, it lost access to their anti-UFO interceptors and control of most of Bolingbrook’s anti-UFO weapons.  This, according to Armstrong, led to more alien Nazis entering the Third District to help Jones.

“We are doing our best to protect Chicagoland,” said Armstrong.  “But as long as there is hate in the galaxy, beings who want to feel superior, and leaders willing to exploit both qualities, there will always be a Nazi threat.”

In a fax to the Babbler, Jones insisted his staff was white and he couldn’t wait to fire up his oven.

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar said Claar could not comment because he was in the middle of a meeting:  “Don’t tell anyone, but Roger is meeting with a person who wants to do an invocation at the next meeting.”

In the background, a man said:  “May James Randi’s magic make this board skeptical of woo.  May the memory of Christopher Hitchens inspire the board to Hitchslap PZ Myers and his hoard of Islamist social justice warriors.  May Elizabeth Loftus teach the board to doubt their memories.  May Michael Shermer lead their thoughts to the secular promised land.  Reason.”

A man who sounded like Claar said, “I thought The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s prayers were supposed to be silly.”

“Oh, I’m not with them.  I’m a representative from the Sam Harris Dark Web.”

“That’s…all I need to know.”

Web Exclusive: Russian agents spotted at Will County polling sites (Fiction)

Multiple anonymous sources claim to have seen Russian operatives near many Will County voting locations.

Election Judge “Beth,” (real name withheld), said she was approached by Russian operatives the night before the election.  That night, two men approached her holding stacks of ballots.  The men claimed that they were Will County Ballots printed on “DuPage County quality paper.”  When she refused, the men told her that, “DuPage is the best rich county in Illinois.  Rich people always get the best ballots.  You want the best ballot paper from the best county.  You don’t want bad ballot paper from bad Will County.”

“I told them to leave before I called the police,” said Beth.  “I think I used language not fit for your publication.”

An anonymous election observer in Bolingbrook, who asked to be called Doug, said he spotted Russian operatives in Bolingbrook.  According to him, the election judges summoned Village Clerk Carol Penning.  The men, according to Doug, said that that they were fans of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar — “Except they pronounced his last name, ‘Clarr,’ so I knew something was up.”

When the men offered Penning the ballots, she replied that it was against the law for her to accept them, and even if she did, the type of paper used couldn’t be read by the county’s optical readers. Penning said they were friends of Bolingbrook, then offered the men membership in the Bolingbrook Friends Facebook group.  The men said they would consider her offer, then left.  The source claimed that Penning then turned towards the judge, smiled and pointed at her “What Would Roger Do?” bracelet.

On election day, DuPage County’s scanners couldn’t be shut down.  Initial reports suggested a problem with the paper stock used for the ballots.  When this reporter visited a polling site in Naperville, an official, who wished to remain anonymous, insisted the problem had nothing to do with the Russians.

“You’re funny.  Seriously, the problem is we can’t remove the memory card until we scan an ender page into the machine, and our ender page is too thick to fit.  We didn’t have this problem during the testing phase, so I don’t know what happened.  All the sites in DuPage County are having this problem.  So we’re going to have to bring our machines to Wheaton to have the memory cards removed.  All the close races will have to be resolved tomorrow.  It looks bad, I know, but merging the DuPage Election Commission with the County Clerk’s Office is not the answer!”

An election judge then walked up to the voting machine.  “Why are you doing this to us!” she asked.  “We’re Naperville.  We have a reputation to uphold.”  She started kicking the machine.  “Malfunctioning voting machines are not part of that reputation!”