(Web Exclusive) Interstellar court ends Oberweis’ final challenge to Rep. Underwood’s reelection (Fiction)

File photo of IL14 Representative Lauren Underwood.

By Reporter X

The Clow UFO Base Court of Extraterrestrial Affairs in the 109,298,291 Circuit rejected Republican Jim Oberweis’ lawsuit to overturn Rep. Lauren Underwood’s 2020 re-election.

“Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence,” said Judge Kilos Surgon.  “The plaintiff’s claim that he won an election is extraordinary, and what he presented does not meet the criteria to be considered evidence.”

Oberweis jumped out of his chair and charged at the judge.  He was quickly immobilized by a force field.  Surgon judged Oberweis to be in contempt of court and imprisoned him for 24 hours.

Oberweis protested as he was dragged out of the courtroom. He said:  “Why won’t anyone believe me?  Even the Congressional Republicans refused to save me.  (Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar) gave me a bad lawyer!  Everyone is out to get me.  Stop the steal!  Count the votes!  Hang Mike Pence!  Oops.  I didn’t say that.”

“Just like you didn’t win.”

The lawsuit, which many interstellar legal experts described using unprintable adjectives, was Oberweis’ last chance to overturn the election following a bipartisan Congressional resolution rejecting his challenge.  Oberweis was represented by Bolingbrook Junior Assistant Village Attorney for Interstellar Affairs, Lester Z. Sanders.  

Shortly after Sanders delivered his opening statement, Surgon said: “I just looked at your very short filing.  You do know that the statement ‘Lauren Underwood is a Democrat’ is not grounds for nullifying an election.”

Sanders nervously laughed, and replied: “The Village of Bolingbrook thinks it should be.”

“You mean Puppet Master Emeritus Roger thinks it should be.”

To prove that all Illinois Democrats are corrupt, Sanders called Republican Sixth Congressional candidate Justin Burau to the stand.  Burau accused Casten of profiting off the Green New Deal and not caring about people with Glioblastoma.

“When Sean refused to personally change Medicare’s coverage of Glioblastoma, I knew he was corrupt, and therefore all Democrats are corrupt.  There’s no way Lauren won this election fairly.”

Underwood’s lawyer, Monica X. Parker, harshly cross-examined Burau:

“Did you really write that you decided to run for Congress after years of failing to live up to your promises?”

“Yeah, I forgot to add Sean’s name.”

Parker pointed to a holographic display of one of his Facebook ads:  “Did you really write that you are the Congressman who ‘cant (sp)’ be trusted?”

“It’s easy to forget Sean.”

“You tried to tie Sean to the Green New Deal, right?”

Burau grinned.  “All Democrats support the Green New Deal.”

“Actually, Sean doesn’t support it.  Even if he did, were you aware that the Green New Deal includes universal health care and would expand coverage to all cancer patients, including Glioblastoma patients?”

“Look.  I’m a real estate agent.  You sound like a client who obsesses over cracks in the foundation, or panics over an exposed wire.  I don’t want you to care about the little details.  I want you to fall in love with the whole house.  Or at least stay infatuated long enough for me to collect my commission.”

After the ruling, Sanders denied suffering a total legal defeat:  “The Village’s Legal Department has a new motto:  We never settle.  I have never been so humiliated in a courtroom in my year of practicing interstellar law.  Yet, I fought to the bitter end.  If I was willing to fight to the bitter end for such a hopeless case, imagine what we’ll do to anyone who files a frivolous lawsuit against our village.  You will suffer if you so much as think about suing us for damaging your mailbox.”

Oberweis refused to be interviewed for this article

File photo of IL14 Representative Lauren Underwood.

but said he was outraged that the Village refused to let him pay to upgrade his detention cell.

Underwood could not be reached for comment, but a spokesperson for her Congressional Office said: “Congresswoman Underwood can now spend the next few months focusing on raising the SALT cap.  I’d also like to say this as a Naperville resident:  We’re Naperville.  We have a reputation to uphold.  Congresswoman Lauren Underwood is part of that reputation!”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

New World Order and aliens throw retirement party for Trustee Jaskiewicz (Fiction)

File photo of Bolingbrook Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz.

By Reporter X

The New World Order and Interstellar Commonwealth representatives hosted a surprise party for outgoing Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  Jaskiewicz, a member of the opposition Bolingbrook United Party, was elected to the Village Board in 2017 as the first opposition trustee in over 30 years.  He decided not to run for reelection in 2021.

“You could have told me,” said a surprised Jaskiewicz.  “I would have prepared a speech.”

Jaskiewicz’s supporters and friends gathered at Bolingbrook United’s embassy, which will soon be converted to the Giamanco Law Partners’ Interstellar Affairs office.  Many embassy staff members thanked Jaskiewicz for his service:

“I was so depressed before you were elected,” said Beth Z. Wilkerson, a Covert Affairs Specialist.  “I loved helping our visitors, but I hated working for (Former Mayor Roger Claar).  Then you hired me and you helped me rediscover my love for covert work.  You cared for Bolingbrook and our guests more than your interstellar campaign fund.  Unfortunately, the voters didn’t replace you, so I’m taking a job at Rob Sherman UFO Base.  It just won’t be the same.”

Losgotus, leader of one of the Martian Colonies, made a rare visit to Earth to personally congratulate Jaskiewicz: “When we heard that Roger allied with President Trump and defected to the New World Order, I wanted to destroy Clow myself.  But when Bolingbrook selected you to serve on the board, I decided to spare Clow.  Your election was a message that not all humans in Bolingbrook were lost to Trumpism, memes, and the pandemic.  You saved Bolingbrook, and I will keep my promise not to destroy Clow for at least ten Earth years.”

Will County Board Member and New World Order representative Jackie Traynere praised Jaskiewicz for being the “People’s trustee.”:

“I know it was hard, Bob, but you represented the residents Roger ignored and belittled.  You fought for garbage toters, while Roger fought for Trump.  You visited residents while Roger visited Cuba. You stood up to the Space Force marines occupying Clow, while Roger bowed before them.  Your term as trustee may be history, but you also made history.  Whenever the First Party tries to gaslight Bolingbrook, we will remember your resistance!  You are irreplaceable, Bob, but Bolingbrook United will go on!”

Jaskiewicz later replied: “I want to thank Jackie for her kind words.  I may be irreplaceable, but I would have happily given my trustee chair to one of our candidates.”

Jaskiewicz thanked the attendees, and shared his favorite memories:  “I’ve seen aliens from all over the universe, but the most amazing thing I saw was the look on Roger’s face at the Pathway’s Parade when we marched past him with a garbage toter.”

He then warned the crowd that dark days could be ahead for the New World Order:  “As we speak, QAnon and her followers are trying to steal President Biden’s Arizona victory.  The Illuminati’s operatives are infiltrating the Democratic Party as we speak.  If Bill Gates’ idiocy doesn’t undermine our efforts to control COVID, the Anti-vaccination death cult will.  Unfortunately, we can’t forget about Donald Trump.  He may be out of the Illuminati, but he’s still dangerous.”

Jaskiewicz announced that he would be moving out of Bolingbrook to join the “Cat Koin” project.  

“I won’t miss Roger’s attacks, (Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta’s) blowing me off, or Trustee Michael Carpanzano’s passive-aggressive positivity.  But I will miss all the great residents that made me proud to call Bolingbrook my home.  Bolingbrook is proof that E pluribus unum works!”

When Jaskiewicz finished talking, some aliens started chanting: “Whoomp! Jaskiewicz!”  Jaskiewicz laughed and replied: “Sorry, I can’t rap.”

Alexander-Basta could not be reached for comment.  On a video call, her receptionist wished Jaskiewicz the best and looked forward to “four debate-free years in village hall.”

In the background, covert social media operative Charlene Spencer and Trustee-elect Troy Doris were sitting at a table.

Spencer said: “So we have a former mayor who not only supported Trump but raised money for him and other Republicans.  We have the current mayor who accepted an award from the same representative who gave an award to the Reverend Sun Myung Moon.  We have a supporter who almost started a fight with Black Lives Matter protesters behind village hall.  And we have a trustee who not only attended a fundraiser for Donald Trump but posed with him wearing a Trump tie.  It sounds very partisan and weird to me, but they insist they’re not strange or partisan.  Insist!  Yes, and I haven’t even touched on their great garbage debate.  Bolingbrook’s garbage collection used to be paid out of the village’s general fund, but last year they started charging residents directly.  Some residents ended up paying more, and, unlike most Chicago suburbs, Bolingbrook residents are not allowed to rent or buy garbage toters.  The opposition parties campaigned against this new arrangement.  One even called it a ‘garbage tax!’  How did the First Party respond? They said it’s not a tax!  It’s a fee!  So that makes it okay, and if you call it a tax, you’re a liar! I guess taxes are terrible and fees are fine.  You know, the more I research Bolingbrook, the more confused I get.  So tonight, we’re joined by First Party member Troy Doris, who will try to make sense of this for us.  Trustee Doris, you’ve been listening to me talk for the past 20 minutes.  Have I said anything wrong, or even slightly misleading?”

Doris dropped his jaw and blankly stared at Spencer for several moments.  He finally said: “You’re right.  I should be interviewed by Brian Williams instead of Rachel Maddow.  I need to master the short jump before attempting the sextuplet jump.”

Also in The Babbler:

New World Order and Illuminati agree not to put tracking devices in COVID vaccines
Blurry photos of Bonnie taken in Bolingbrook
Wereskunks organize summer garbage festivals in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/4/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Aliens celebrate as Clow UFO Base’s restaurants reopen (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Aliens from across the galaxy flocked to Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base to celebrate the official reopening of its restaurants.

“It’s been a hard year,” said Clow Administrator and Mayor-elect Mary Alexander-Basta.  “Outside of Clow, we’re still not out of the woods.  The risk of unvaccinated humans getting infected is still high.  Inside Clow, however, every staff member is vaccinated, and most of our visitors are either immune or vaccinated.  So we can safely reopen everything!  So let’s a take a moment to mourn the dead, then celebrate our survival!”

Festivities included a flyover by the Unidentified Ariel Phenomena team, a team of aliens who like to spy on the US military.  While the team have attacked other less advanced civilizations, they insist they have no hostile intentions towards Earth.

“Sure we like to play ‘war games,’” said Goldst Postu, leader of the team.  “But Earth is under the protection of the Interstellar Commonwealth, so all we can do is admire your primitive military.  It would be fun to take on the US military.  We love a good sporting war.  If we don’t fight primitive militaries, they’ll attack each other.  That’s bad for all the civilians on a planet.  Too bad the Commonwealth doesn’t understand that. ”

One of the most popular places to reopen was the Weathertech Restaurant, where scraps from the Bolingbrook factory are transformed into culinary dishes.  While all of the dishes are unfit for human consumption, it is a popular interstellar tourist attraction. For the reopening, visitors waiting in line received free Mat Soup served in edible cups.

Lozgolz , who traveled from across the Milky Galaxy for the reopening, said: “Weathertech’s plastic dishes are great.  I wish humans could enjoy the taste of Weathertech instead of just using their plastic for containers and mats.”

Joshie Berger, owner of Worst to First and winner of the second season of Worst Cooks in America, had the loudest reopening celebration.  Berger started by delivering a long winded rant to the first guests.  He accused “feminists” and “Mother Nature” of trying to “cancel” him:

“I may have lost income and a guest rogue spot on the (Skeptics Guide to the Universe), but thanks to the Illuminati, I’m back and better than ever!  But I’m not here to talk about the evil women who drove me out of the skeptical movement!  I’m here to serve politically incorrect dishes, and deliver commentary that can’t be canceled!”

All the human guests complained about the “Gaslight Special” which included “Richard Carrier Bean Soup,” “Michael Shermer’s Grievance-free Cabbage Delight,” and “Ben Radford’s Ten Bean Delight.”  Many complained about the smells from the dining area, but some complained about experiencing hallucinations.

Paula, who asked that her last name not be used, claimed she might have hallucinated:  “I heard Richard Dawkins making transphobic remarks.  When I complained to the waiter, he said Richard Dawkins wasn’t in the restaurant.  Then Richard walked up to me and said he wasn’t there and if he was, I was misquoting him.  I just paid my bill and went to the nearest oxygen bar to clear my head.”

On a video chat, a receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.  

In the background, Alexander-Basta, Trustee Sheldon Watts, Trustee Michael Carpanzano, and covert social media operative Charlene Spencer were sitting in a conference room.

Alexander-Basta said: “Okay.  Sheldon has agreed to stop calling me a ‘trustee-mayor abomination’ because I will be resigning my trustee position.  I agreed not to taunt him for the next year and a half.  Now, Charlene and Michael, I think it is time to set aside your differences and work together to promote Bolingbrook and stand against the Bolingbrook United insurrection.  It’s time to reunite Team Yin and Yang.  What do each of you think?”

Carpanzano replied: “While my opponent brags about being evil, has questionable ties to the Dark Web, and should be banned for life from the Internet, I will refuse to engage in personal attacks, and work for the good of the village.”

Spencer replied: “While my opponent owes his success to intellectual property theft, and does a horrible Pollyanna impersonation, I will use my unique connections to promote Bolingbrook and fight our common enemy.”

Carpanzano countered: “While I can work in the same room as my opponent, I will not give her the pleasure of hearing her lies.”  Carpanzano pulled out a rubber carp and held it up to her face:  “You are now carped.”

Spencer frowned and said: “While my opponent thinks he can ignore my truthful comments, I cannot be canceled.”  She pulled out a rubber alligator gar from her purse and held it up to Carpanzano’s face:  “I counter with my alligator gar!”

Alexander-Basta smiled.  “This is a starting point.”

Also in the Babbler:

Roger Claar Party demands recount following fifth place finish
PZ Myers to open Bolingbrook restaurant that caters to spiders
Russia threatens to unleash April snow attack on Chicagoland
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/21/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Wipeout: First Party for Bolingbrook and DuPage Township Democrats sweep the 2021 Consolidated Election (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Election 2021: A Bolingbrook Babbler Special ReportThe Babbler sent out a team of reporters to cover the night of the historic 2021 election.  They returned these stories:

First Party ‘gets real’ during candidates’ victory speeches to the Illuminati

Mary Alexander-Basta, the Mayor-elect of Bolingbrook, addressed members of the Illuminati following the First Party for Bolingbrook’s sweeping of the 2021 Consolidated Election.

“Our opponents ran a negative campaign by trying to steal offices from us, “ said Alexander-Basta.  “We ran a positive campaign by trying to stay in office.  Thanks to the power of passive-aggressive positivity, we won!  Stay positive, Bolingbrook.”

The First Party won the races for mayor, clerk, and three open Village Trustee positions.  Bolingbrook United failed to defend the seat being vacated by Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz.  Bolingbrook Independent Voices will be represented by Trustee Sheldon Watts, who will be up for reelection in 2023.

After Alexander-Basta’s speech, the Grand Master Councilor of Egypt performed the Rite of the Phoenix in honor of her loyalty to the Illuminati and her efforts to spread global chaos outside of Bolingbrook.  She thanked the Grand Master Councilor and added: “Bolingbrook has the best golf club, best UFO Base, and is loyal to the best secret society!  Fnord!  That’s how I’m pronouncing it.”

Trustee Maria Zarate delivered a speech in English thanking local members of the Illuminati for their hard work.  She concluded with a message for Jaskiewicz.  In Spanish, she said: “May you suffer in Hell like you made us suffer at board meetings!”

Trustee-elect Troy Doris promised to be a “Better Sheldon than Sheldon.”  Possibly a reference to Trustee Sheldon Watts, the Bolingbrook Independent Voices mayoral candidate.  Doris also apologized for calling pro-choice supporters “anti-life.”

“Let’s try this again:  We’re not pro-QAnon Republicans.  We’re not pro-Child Trafficking Democrats.  We just don’t care!”

Trustee Michael Carpanzano ran on stage and whispered into Doris’s ear.

Doris replied: “Man!  This is harder than the triple jump.  Um, we do care about kids and—  Look! (Bolingbrook United Mayoral candidate Jackie Traynere) posted something on the Internet.”

Trustee Michael Lawler did not appear on stage.

After the slate performed the Rite of Ascension, an audience member asked how Alexander-Basta planned to rule Bolingbrook when over 57% of voters chose the other candidates. She laughed and said: “As our former Mayor once said, there are residents, and there are foes.  My supporters are residents and those voters are foes!  I don’t work with foes.”

New World Order crushes the Illuminati to retake DuPage Township

After years of conflict, the New World Order regained control of DuPage Township with the Democratic Party’s sweeping victory over the Illuminati-controlled Republicans.

“Tonight,” said Supervisor-elect Gary Marschke at the New World Order victory party, “The residents of our township rejected the Illuminati’s chaos and discord.  They rejected the chaos operatives from Edgar County.  They rejected the flagrant abuse of our legal system.  They voted for the harmony and order that only we can provide.  So to the good residents of DuPage Township, I say this: Get ready to experience the might of a fully operational township!”

New World Order member and outgoing Republican Trustee Ken Burgess congratulated the victors:  “We may not be members of the same political party, but we are united in our belief that order must be maintained against chaos.  We understand that in the right hands, the right amount of order in a society will let freedom bloom.  I congratulate my fellow NWO colleagues for their victory against the Illuminati.  Just don’t raise my taxes, okay?”

Later in the party, Bolingbrook’s Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler wondered in and was surrounded by four Men in Black.

“I thought our victory party was at Lou Malnati’s,” said Lawler.

“No,” replied Trustee-elect Reem Townsend.  “The Illuminati is meeting at the Golf Club this time.  Since we’re in a good mood tonight, we’ll order the Men in Black to take you home.”

“Since I’m in a good mood, I won’t tell Mary on all of you.”

After Lawler left, Townsend said, “Why do I have a feeling I’m going to be quoted in the Babbler?”

“Don’t worry,” replied Terri Ransom.  “Nobody believes the Babbler.”

Opposition parties eventually accept crushing defeats in Bolingbrook

Bolingbrook Independent Voices, Bolingbrook United, and the DuPage Township Republicans eventually accepted their major defeats.  However the DuPage Township Republicans almost started an insurrection.

During DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford’s speech to the Bolingbrook Illuminati, she announced that she was about to summon the Edgar County Irregular Militia to help her “find” enough votes for her to win.  A masked man stormed on stage and warned her not to call them.

“I spent over $40,000 on the First Party,” said the man.  “I am not going have you ruin my investment with a civil war!”

“I am a Knight of Chaos and a CPA,” replied Benford.  “I must claim my election today.”

“Not on my watch,” countered the man.  “As a Knight, you are sworn to spread chaos outside of Bolingbrook.  Instead, you have spent years sowing chaos in my village!  This election wasn’t stolen from you.  You lost!  Why the (expletive deleted) did you think it was a good idea to pick Deborah Williams and Antonio Timothee?”

“Because I’m the biggest—” replied Timothee.

“Joke on Bolingbrook’s Facebook groups.” snapped the man.  “Alyssia, call off your dogs from Edgar County or you won’t be a CPA.  You’ll be DOA!”

At the New World Order Victory Party, mayoral candidate Jackie Traynere announced that she had congratulated Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta for her win.  

“I thought we could pull it off this time,” said Traynere.  “Instead, we lost ground since the 2017 election.  But I will take some comfort knowing that I beat (Trustee Sheldon Watts).  I will also take comfort knowing that I still have my seat on the Will County Board.  I heard Sheldon will have to perform the Illuminati’s Rite of the Burning Mile  if he wants a future in Bolingbrook politics.  I hope he has tough feet.”

Charlene Spencer, a volunteer for Bolingbrook Independent Voices, announced during a video call that she was going to contest the election results:

“There’s no way BIV came in last place.  The First Party had nothing but their passive aggressive positivity.  We ran a shining campaign filled with vague promises, real residents, and tons of drone footage!  That was a recipe for a landslide.  This election was rigged, and I will prove to the right people that that a conspiracy by Anwar Sadat, Jimmy Carter, Mao—”

Watts ran into the room and said: “Charlene!  What are you doing?  You know that’s a big lie.  We lost—”

“Lost?  Are you kidding?  I’ve only just begun to fight for you!”

“There’e aren’t enough outstanding votes to save us.  It’s over.”

“It’s only a minor setback!  We can still take over the board!”

“At what cost?”

“I’ll give you a discount—”

“No!  Charlene, stand down.  I’m going to concede!”

“Sheldon!  You need to stop backing down to Mary all the time like you did with Roger. Seize this moment and you’ll be remembered as the Mayor who liberated Bolingbrook!  Democracy is dumb, Sheldon!  Help me put it out of its misery!”

Watts shook his head.  “Democracy is not dumb.  You’re confusing our patriotic rituals with democracy.  The ideas of democracy are not dumb.  Respecting the will of the people is smart.  Supporting the peaceful transition of power to the victor is smart.  The idea that any resident or slate in Bolingbrook has a chance to non-violently win control of the government is fundamental to Bolingbrook’s well being.”

“But,” protested Charlene.  “If we don’t stop her now, I know she’ll declare Bolingbrook to be under the rule of the Eternal Kingdom of the First Party, and she’ll—”  

“She won’t, and even if she did, she’d fail.  In Ecclesiastes 3:1—”

“I’m an atheist, Sheldon.  Your Bible trick won’t work on me.”

“Fine.  Then I will cite George Hrab.  ‘The fairness of unfairness is in everything’s demise.’  It is unfair that we lost and (Former Mayor Roger Claar) used me.  But Roger’s time will end.  The First Party will eventually disband, and it will be a time for a new party to take over.  Maybe it will be my party.  Maybe not.  But for the good of Bolingbrook, we need to preserve representative democracy.  That’s what really counts, Charlene.  I’d rather lose 100 elections than see Bolingbrook descend into despotism, anarchy, or worse.  So please stop trying to overthrow this election, and help me win the next election, okay?”

“You…You actually listened to a George Hrab album?  For me?”

“Yes, and may the Lord forgive me.”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

A Babbler Special Report: Bolingbrook’s countdown to democracy (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Election 2021: A Bolingbrook Babbler Special ReportOn April 6, voters will select Bolingbrook’s first new mayor since 1986, and possibly end one-party rule in Bolingbrook.  For the past few months, voters have had to contend with a flood of flyers; debates over the meaning of the word “tax,” and passive-aggressive positivity from two local parties.  We sent out a team of reporters to cover the final days of the campaign.  They returned with these stories:

Will County ‘highly prepared’ for any possible insurrection

According to anonymous sources, Will County is “highly prepared” to deal with any “unlikely” insurrection related to the April 6 election.

According to “Joe,” (who asked that we didn’t use his real name), the county government has been holding secret “insurrection drills” for weeks: “We’re prepared for the normal kinds of insurrections, like angry protesters trying to storm the Clerk’s office, or armed downstate militia members trying to execute county officials if their candidate doesn’t win.  We’ve also prepared for some unusual scenarios, like an attack by foreign special forces operatives, a board member going rogue, an act of a vengeful god, and a former mayor throwing a temper tantrum.   We might even run a drill for what to do if we’re attacked by a certain Florida woman. But these are all unlikely.  In Will County, we use paper ballots, and our clerk believes in free and fair elections, no matter who wins.  Remember, we’re Will County, not Cook County.”

Will County Clerk Lauren Staley Ferry refused to comment about any possible drills but said:

“We have a great sheriff’s department, and I know they would never stage a coup.  Anyway, I believe the people who supported Trump’s insurrection have switched their focus to fighting the Coronavirus vaccine.  I guess some people just enjoy being wrong.  Anyway, just tell your readers they can vote early, or vote on election day, but that they can only vote once.”

In the background, a man yelled, “Start.”

A woman replied, “Attention!  I am a CPA.  I feel like overthrowing the government today.”

Alien election observers arrive at Clow UFO Base
By Reporter X

Election observers from the Interstellar Commonwealth arrived at Clow UFO Base to ensure the integrity of Bolingbrook’s April 6 election. 

Representatives from Bolingbrook’s three political parties greeted the observers.

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta, representing the First Party for Bolingbrook, said: “I am honored that the Interstellar Commonwealth would send its finest election observers to certify my upcoming victory.”

Trustee Sheldon Watts, representing the Bolingbrook Independent Voices party, replied: “I too am honored that you have come here to see me slay a trustee-mayor abomination— At the polls, of course.”

Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, representing Bolingbrook United, greeted the delegation and said: “I’m here to help Bolingbrook transition from Roger’s authoritarian rule to a true democracy.  I’d like Jackie Traynere to win, but I’m happy knowing that the residents of Bolingbrook have already won their freedom.”

Globly, the head delegate, told the party representatives that they were wearing bulletproof human suits, and were inoculated with the coronavirus vaccine developed on Venus:

“Many species have replaced democracy with an implant that allows all members to subconsciously reach consensus decisions.  Unfortunately, Earth isn’t that advanced and relies on paper ballots.  Until the humans of Bolingbrook are ready to evolve, we are happy to ensure a free and fair election, without the direct interference of the Illuminati or the New World Order determining the outcome.”

Wereskunk arrested for canvasing under the influence

Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs arrested a wereskunk and charged her with public intoxication.  The wereskunk, according to sources, was canvassing for the DuPage Township’s Republican slate of candidates.

The Department released a statement that read: “We are withholding the name of the wereskunk while she is going through detox.  If you were sprayed by this wereskunk, do not bathe in tomato juice.  Bathe in baking soda instead.  Please do not judge all wereskunks by the actions of this one wereskunk.”

Jessica, (who asked that we not use her last name), claims the wereskunk sprayed her yard signs:  “I thought a normal skunk got into our garbage, but then I looked outside and saw this giant skunk.  When she saw me, she laughed and said she was owning the libs.  Well, I’ll own her and a toter once the DuPage Township Democrats sweep the township election.”

Jake, (who also asked that we not use his last name), said he saw the wereskunk littering Republican flyers in his neighborhood:  

“She was in her human form and had this glassy look in her eyes.  When I told her to stop littering, she shapeshifted into this monster skunk.  Then she started chanting: ‘Meth!  Meth!  It’s the best!’  Believe me, seeing a monster skunk on meth is the best anti-drug argument.”

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said she was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta, said: “Did you really think I wouldn’t find out what you said about me?  Charline and (name redacted) may have left me, but I still have my sources.  Those sources say you call me a ‘wicked Egyptian’ leader!”

“But—” replied a woman.

“When I found out, I went over to our police chief.  He told me that the Village of Bolingbrook doesn’t have any slaves or indentured workers.  The village has never commissioned a cat statue, and, as mayor, I’ve never changed my mind.  Just like Roger.”

“But—”

“Don’t blame me if you don’t know how to bake bread.  If you have a problem with me, you come to my office and say it to my face.  Don’t vote me out of office because you don’t like me.  That’s so negative!”

“But we weren’t talking about you.  We were celebrating Passover.”

“Well…Not all Egyptians enslaved the Jews!”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2021! (Fiction)

Will Representative Bill Foster save Congress in 2021? (File Photo)

It’s that time of year when the Babbler’s Council of Psychics announces its predictions for the new year.  Normally, they’re extremely accurate, but many readers have pointed out that our psychics didn’t predict the COVID-19 pandemic.

Many psychics didn’t predict the pandemic and are trying to hide behind post hoc rationalizations of their predictions.  Our psychics, however, admit that they didn’t foresee the pandemic.  They are still trying to figure out how they missed something that, to date, has killed nearly 2 million people globally, crashed the global economy, and altered our daily lives.  The council won’t hide behind the fact that pollsters were also off in 2020.  Instead, they apologize for their massive pre-cognition failure and strive to do a better job this year.  

Still, our psychics did correctly predict unrest in the United States, the impeachment and acquittal of President Donald Trump, a disputed Iowa Caucus, Mayor Roger Claar’s retirement, the return of activist Bonnie Kurowski to Bolingbrook’s political scene, and President Trump’s attempt to overturn the 2020 election.

So what do our psychics think will happen in 2021?

1

The Bolingbrook Election Board, consisting of Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta, Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler, and Acting Village Clerk Martha M. Barton, will hold a hearing on disputed nomination petitions for the 2021 municipal election.  Alexander-Basta will ask the village attorney if it is legal for the board to only have members of the First Party for Bolingbrook.  The attorney will reply that under Illinois law, it is legal. 

Alexander-Basta will then say: “Okay!  Let’s cut to the chase!  You’re off the ballot.  You’re off the ballot.  You’re off the ballot.  Every defendant is off the ballot!”

The board will unanimously approve the resolution.  As they start to leave, the lawyer for the First Party for Bolingbrook will ask if they were joking.  Lawler will say no because he wanted to spend time with his grandchildren.  The lawyer will remind the board that their ruling removed all the First Party candidates because there were objections filed against them too.

“Oops,” Lawler will reply.

When Will County Clerk Lauren Staley Ferry hears that she will have to manage an all write-in race for Bolingbrook’s village board, her screams will be heard as far north as Naperville.

2

Thousands of armed militias and QAnon supporters will attack Washington D.C. while a joint session of Congress counts the Electoral College’s votes.  While chanting, “burn the swamp,” they will burn down the White House.  Oddly enough, the White House will be empty and unguarded at the time.

Despite Vice-President Mike Pence’s stalling, both chambers will declare Vice-President Joe Biden and Sen. Kamala Harris the official winners of the 2020 election.  The protesters will surround the Capitol Building and demand Trump be anointed President.  Thanks to quick thinking by Representative Bill Foster and Representative Sean Casten, the legislators are able to tunnel their way to safety.

Foster will say, “I designed the drilling laser.  Sean built it.  That’s why we need scientists in Congress!”

3

A B-2 stealth bomber will crash into Bolingbrook Golf Club’s course.  There will be no civilian casualties, but the course will be unplayable due to radioactive contamination.

It will be revealed that the crew chose to deliberately crash the plane rather than obey Trump’s order to drop a nuclear bomb on Indianapolis.  Trump issued the order in retaliation for Pence failing to overturn the election in Congress.

Trump’s cabinet will finally use the 25th Amendment to remove Trump.

Harris will say, “Better late than never.”

Biden will promise not to hold “this unfortunate incident” against Republicans and will spend time attacking the more liberal members of the Democratic Party.

The Village of Bolingbrook will sell the Golf Club to the Federal Government, which will turn the area into a memorial to “those who fought against the enemies of freedom, both domestic and foreign.”

“See,” Trustee Michael Carpanzano will say, “The village profited from the Golf Club.  Yes, it did take several years and the tragic sacrifice of a brave air crew, but the First Party came through in the end.  That’s why you should never question our decisions!”

4

 Bolingbrook will celebrate the end of COVID-19 restrictions by hosting a Nickelback concert.

“I don’t care if Nickelback is performing,” a resident will say.  “I just want to hear live music!”

5

Former atheist activist David Silverman will move to Bolingbrook and announce his candidacy for Governor of Illinois:

“I fought God and now I’m going to fight Illinois’ corrupt political machine!”

He will, however, spend most of 2021 fighting with his homeowners’ association over placing a billboard on top of his house:

“If religious residents of Bolingbrook are allowed to virtue signal with their churches and mosques, then I should be allowed to (expletive deleted) signal with my billboards!  Free speech is under attack and I’m going to fight back whether you like it or not!  So shut up and give me your money!”

6

To the surprise of many Trumpsters, President Biden will still be alive at the end of his first year in office:

“It’s been a hard year.  The government is still shut down. McConnell’s Senate won’t approve any of my cabinet nominees.  Florida only recognizes Trump as the President, and QAnon complains every time I eat pizza.  But I have faith that our country will pull through these dark times, and some Republicans will come around and work with me.”

Also in the Babbler:

Anti-alien protesters arrested outside of Clow UFO Base
Werecoyotes spotted in Palatine
Weredogs endorse Bolingbrook United’s slate
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/30/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

(Link) Trump will leave but…(Non-fiction)

With Trump’s refusal to concede, his moves at the Pentagon, and ridiculous allegations of voter fraud, there’s a lot of speculation that Trump is plotting a coup.

Personally, I tend to side more with Amanda Marcotte’s view that Trump will fail to stay in office, but his talk and actions are still dangerous:

Coups are hard, and they tend to fail. Donald Trump and a bunch of Nunes toadies sure aren’t organized and focused enough to pull it off in the face of nearly insurmountable obstacles.

Trump will be slinking out of the White House in about nine weeks. But that doesn’t mean his reality TV-style failed coup isn’t dangerous. It’s very much is — because Trump is pushing his already vitriolic and authoritarian followers further down the path towards rejecting democracy entirely.
In 2016, I initially didn’t think Trump would win, but I was worried about a Trump 2.0 running in 2020.  Someone who would lay off Twitter.  Someone who would say the right things to military leaders instead of remaining silent while Russia places a bounty on US Troops.  Someone who could say the hateful things Trump says but have better management skills and a team to better implement his bigotry.
Instead of a near miss, we got Trump, and Trump did considerable damage.  Even I couldn’t imagine how he’d bungle a pandemic.  And he’s not done.
As Marcotte writes, Trump promotes the idea that votes for anyone who is not part of his Republican party are illegal.  That because most Democratic voters live in urban areas, and many are non-white. Therefore Democrats aren’t “real” Americans.  His supporters may talk about freedom and democracy, but what they’re really promoting is authoritarianism.
The voters defeated Trump, and, due to a lack of planning, Trump won’t be able to stay in office past January 20.  But he can create a huge mess for Biden in the government and create more misery by ignoring the COVID-19 pandemic as it flares up again.  Combine this with the Republicans holding the Senate, and probably of a Trump 2.0 being elected in 2024 increases.  And this person might be much harder to organize against than Trump.
Trump might be out of office next year, but I’m concerned that his actions during the lame-duck session will have dangerous consequences for the US and the rest of the world.

Overtime! A Bolingbrook Babbler Special 2020 Election Report (Fiction)

Representative Bill Foster

Rep. Bill Foster, a member of the New World Order, easily defeated his Illuminati opponent in the 2020 election.

From Reporter X:  While the local mainstream is focused on the results of the 2020 Election, here are the stories they missed:

1. Space Force leaves Bolingbrook to ‘stand up and fight back’ for Trump

Overnight, Space Force troops destroyed their base in Bolingbrook and texted the village managers that they were permanently leaving Bolingbrook.

“Space Force’s 1st Space Force High Border Wall Battalion is redeploying, as per President Trump’s new orders.  We will stand up and fight back against the enemies of our President.”

Donna K Smith, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, said the village did not receive advance notice of the Space Force’s departure:

“After we received the text message from Space Force, our team of investigators found a hole in the ground and residents who were asking too many questions.  I’m happy to report that we filled the hole and fixed the memories of some residents.  Space Force can expect to receive our bill in the next week.  We hope they don’t force us to hire a collection agency.”

2. Fifteen arrested after ‘Oberweising’ McHenry County Clerk’s office

What was supposed to be a peaceful protest in support of Congressional Candidate Jim Oberweis, ended in a brawl and 15 arrests:

“We wanted to support them,” said a deputy who asked to remain anonymous.  “We all want Jim Oberweis to win against (Representative Lauren Underwood).  But they were so disruptive in the end, we had no choice.  But don’t worry.  We’re not going to charge any of them with attempted manslaughter for not wearing face masks.”

Initially, the protesters peacefully slurped drinks from a nearby Oberweis Dairy Store to express their displeasure at the close vote count between Underwood and Oberweis.  One protester described their action as “Oberweising” and hoped it would catch on among conservative activists.

The protest became violent when they couldn’t agree on a chant.  Some wanted to chant “stop the count” because Oberweis currently has the most votes.  Others wanted to chant “Count the Vote” because they feel Oberweis will get more votes as mail-in ballots arrive.

“We have to stop counting because the Cook County Democrats are flooding our district with fake ballots!” said one protester.

“Shut up Normie!” replied another protester.  “The Libtards are throwing away Republican votes.  We have to make sure they’re counted.”

Neither side provided proof of their allegations and started brawling instead.  That forced the deputies to make arrests.  All 15 were released after spending an hour in jail.  Mysteriously, no charges were filed, and there is no record of the arrests.

Oberweis denied any knowledge of the protest:  “I don’t care about fake news.  I care about splitting up Illinois—I mean serving the legal residents of Illinois.”

3. Interstellar court dismisses lawsuit to throw out Illinois election results

Despite Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar shouting, the Clow UFO Base Court of Extraterrestrial Affairs in the 109,298,291 Circuit refused to invalidate Illinois’s election.

“‘Michael Madigan’ is not a sufficient reason to throw out several million valid ballots,” said Judge Kilos Sturgon.

Claar responded with an unprintable comment, and added:  “Do I need to bring in (Will County Chief Judge Richard C. Schoenstedt) to educate you?”

“Maybe he can educate you about the concept of showing contempt towards the court.  You wouldn’t like my teaching style.”

Sturgon laughed at the proposed remedy of having President Donald Trump appoint all elected officials in Illinois and Illinois’s Electoral College delegates.

‘Don’t laugh at me,” countered Claar.  “Illinois has disenfranchised Trump supporters for years.”

“Do you know what that word means?”

“It means whatever will help my President.”

“Try enjoying your retirement for a change,” said Sturgon before dismissing the lawsuit.

Melisa Quinones, a lawyer representing an anonymous resident of Bolingbrook, praised the dismissal:  “The residents of Illinois made it clear they have a thirst for voting.  Ruling in favor of Roger would have been the equivalent of pouring sand down their throats.  Voting is like water, and Illinois residents need water— Just not at outrageous rates.”

4. Illuminati forces Jeanne Ives to wear the ‘shoes of shame’

After Jeanne Ives failed to unseat Representative Sean Casten, the Illuminati sentenced her to wear the “shoes of shame” for one week.

“Our operatives risked their lives for your campaign,” said Master Councilor Lev.  “You wasted their time posting ugly signs.  You spent more time complaining about state officials than you did running against Sean.  Do you even know what office you were running for?”

 “Of course,” replied Ives.  “I was running to be (Governor J.B. Pritzker’s) boss.  I was so looking forward to firing him.”

“Wrong is too weak a word to describe your thinking.”

Ives was offered a chance to apologize for her failure but refused.

“I’d rather be wrong than wearing a mask in fear of the Chinese virus.  Would you like a patch?”

For the next week, Ives will have to wear a pair of glow in the dark yellow tennis shoes with bells.   Ives, however, says she is not concerned:  “I only ran for Congress to keep my name in the news.  They’re making a big deal out of nothing.  They’ll come around when I run for Governor.  Or President.  Whatever will put me in charge of Illinois, that’s what I’ll run for.”

When reached for comment, Casten replied, “I’m happy the voters sent me back to Washington, but it won’t be the same.  Some of my friends won’t be back, the Squad gained more members, and I’ll have to listen to QAnon members make vile accusations against me.”

5, Trustee Jaskiewicz rescued from the Hidden Lakes Monster

Village workers rescued Bolingbrook Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz hours after the Hidden Lakes Monster captured his submersible pod.

“I’m fine,” said Jaskiewicz.  “The monster is fine too.  Who thought it was a good idea to put a submarine in Hidden Lakes?”

According to anonymous village employees, on Election Night, the village trustees were sent to secure locations in case of election-related violence.  Jaskiewicz was assigned to hide inside a submersible pod under Hidden Lakes.  Hidden Lakes is also the home of the Hidden Lakes Monster.  It’s the smallest body of water known to have a lake monster.

“We thought the monster was in hibernation,” said an employee.  “I guess the warm weather, and the excitement of election day woke it up.”

After Jaskiewicz’s pod was placed into Hidden Lakes, the half duck half sea serpent creature wrapped itself around the pod and pulled it into the deepest part of the lake.

“Sure,” said the employee.  “Most of Hidden Lakes is shallow and was once a trout farm.  But certain areas are up to a mile deep.  That’s where the creature hides, and why it took us a while to find Bob.”

Once found, divers lured the monster away from the pod with birdseed.  Then they were able to raise the pod to the surface.

“There’s still a risk of violence related to the election,” said Jaskiewicz.  “Some politicians should know better.  Anyway, this time I’m going to be sheltering in a safe place, rather than the bottom of Hidden Lakes.”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Web Exclusive: Ives campaign cancels ‘Casten You to Hell’ hell house (Fiction)

 

The Ives campaign cancels their Rep. Sean Casten themed haunted house due to COVID restrictions.

Jeanne Ives, the Republican candidate for Illinois’ Sixth Congressional District, will not be hosting her “Casten You to Hell” hell house this year due to statewide COVID-19 restrictions.

A press release from the Ives campaign stated: “Our governor, who doesn’t know Jesus Christ, is oppressing good Christians by banning our hell house!  Since we are forgiving Christians, we leave judgment of the governor to Christ the King. Our fearless volunteers will knock on every door in the Sixth District to show voters the horrors that will follow the reelection of (Representative Sean Casten.)”

According to sources, “Casten You to Hell” would have featured such “horrors” as gay marriage, Christians forced to smoke cannabis,  a vegetarian meal, children with tablets glued to their eyes, transgender employees, and an actor portraying Casten bludgeoning creationists with science books.

“Governor Pritzker thinks we should hold a hayride instead.  Just as he doesn’t understand the joy of bacon, he doesn’t understand that Hell Houses must be held indoors, and illicit as much screaming as possible!  We did our part and stayed at home for a little bit, and sometimes wore masks.  Now we demand that you let us show the Sixth District voters that they should fear gay adoption instead of the deadly fake China virus!”  

Cindy, an Ives staffer who asked that we not use her real name, claims that the hell house was really closed due to virus concerns:

“We think Sean’s secret crew is releasing real viruses at our events to make the fake virus seem real, and to frame Jeanne as irresponsible for holding mask-less events during a pandemic.  Who knows what the Casten Crew would do to our hell house?”

Peter, another staffer, claims Ives’s volunteers are needed elsewhere:

“As much as I love playing a demonic rioter, basic training for Trump’s election day army starts this week.  I think Jeanne is going to lead the Sixth District Battalion’s march on the DuPage County Clerk’s office.  Let’s just say it will make the Brooks Brothers Riot look like a sandbox fight.  General Roger Stone will be proud of us!”

When reached for comment, Ives said:  “What a fake story.  You should report on real stories, like how Sean is hiding from me.”

“Um,” said a man who sounded like Casten.  “I’m right here, and we’re about to debate each other on the radio.”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

UFOs displaying Jeanne Ives ads crash in Naperville (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Ten UFOs displaying ads for Congressional candidate Jeanne Ives crashed in Naperville Sunday eve.   The UFOs lifted off from Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base at 7:30 pm, but each craft reported equipment malfunctions when they flew over Lisle at 7:45.

A transcript from one of the pilots read: “Our hologram is spinning!  The ground is above me!  There are too many trees!”

Other pilots claimed they were victims of the so-called Lisle Square, a mysterious region in Lisle where some UFO’s experience anomalies.  The last crash associated with the Lisle Square occurred in 2008 when K09 UFO crashed into Four Lakes Ski Hill.

When Clow traffic control ordered the craft to fly south, the UFOs flew westward instead.  The leader explained that flying west would have saved the crew of Flight 19.  Flight 19 was a Navy Air Squadron that flew into the Bermuda Triangle wormhole back in 1945.

Instead of regaining control by flying west, the UFOs lost power once they left Lisle airspace and crashed in the downtown Naperville area.

John X. Carter witnessed one of the UFOs crash into downtown Naperville:  “I saw this burning disc with a Jeanne Ives ad in a power dive.  I turned to run away because I thought it was going to hit an apartment building. A few seconds later, I stopped when I heard a fire alarm go off.  The apartment was fine and I didn’t see any sign of the UFO.  The fire department blocked off the area behind the apartment and got really mad when I tried to take a look.  Maybe it phased cloaked through the apartment and crash-landed in the Library parking lot?”

Clow officials denied the existence of the Lisle Square and insisted there was a rational explanation for the accident.

“These display ad crafts have the same design flaw as the K09,” said Joan Armstrong, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “They’ll travel thousands of light-years without any issue, only to fall apart when they reach Earth.  There is no Lisle Square and don’t make us drag Brian Dunning out of obscurity to debunk it!”

Armstrong confirmed that the fleet was paid for by the Ives campaign to display her ads above the Sixth Congressional District.

“If she wants a refund, she’ll have to talk to the crew.  Clow assumes no responsibility for defective UFOs that just happen to be in our airspace.”

An anonymous staffer for the Ives campaign denied that Ives is spending money on UFO advertising:

“Jeanne’s signs are being defaced with vulgar words like (expletive deleted).  (Congressman Sean Casten) won’t denounce his (transphobic remark deleted) (racist remark deleted) (sexist remark deleted) gang!”

A woman who sounded like Ives said, “Remember what’s on the banner outside?”

“I’m sorry, but ‘Mobs or Jobs’ is lame.  Why can’t we just say (racist remark deleted) or militias?”

“I’ve played dog-whistle politics longer than you’ve been alive, so don’t you dare lecture me on what slogans I should use.  Now tell that reporter that Sean is the real divider and Pat Brady is an evil R.I.N.O!”

A spokesperson for the Casten campaign reached by Zoom laughed and talked about Casten’s work on climate change.

In the background, a woman who resembles covert social media operative Charlene Spencer spoke while wearing a modified full-face snorkel mask:  “You’re going to love these scripts, and I won’t charge you for the production.”

A woman wearing a hazmat suit replied:  “Thanks, but we already produced our first TV ad.  Here’s the first one.”

“You’re going with the nerd angle?  Seriously?  Have you guys seen how dark and depressing the world is today?”

“Yes.”

“Then why are you running a funny ad?”

“Because where there’s humor, there’s hope.  A vote for Sean is a vote for hope.”

“Oh, please!”

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said she was speaking with the co-village administrators and could not be disturbed:

“Have a great day, and don’t blame Mayor Mary for two more weeks of COVID mitigation rules.”

In the background, a man shouted, “Zombies!  2020 has unleashed zombies on Bolingbrook!”

A man who sounded like Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar yelled:  “Just because they named a street after me doesn’t mean I’m dead!”

Also in the Babbler:

Joshie Berger closes Clow’s Worst to First restaurant
Bolingbrook man’s blood turns to vodka after taking Russian COVID vaccine
Editorial:  Nineteen years later, the terrorists lost, but so did we
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/12/20