Web Exclusive: Democratic candidates for the IL54 State House District meet Palatine UFO Base staff (Fiction)

By Reporter X

File photo of Ryan Huffman

File photo of Maggie Trevor.

About fifty staff members of Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base attended a meeting with two of the three Democratic candidates for the Illinois 54th State House District race. Maggie Trevor and Ryan Huffman were able to participate, and Syed Hussein was not.

“There are days I want to tell our local leaders about our base,” said Sheila Danforth, president of the Space Traffic Controllers Union local #2.  “Then, I remember that Tom Morrison is our state representative.  He calls himself a tax fighter, but he seems to spend more time fighting transgender people.  Can you imagine trying to explain the gender of a Ross 128 visitor to him?  He would embarrass Palatine and all humanity.  Now, these two candidates are worthy of being the first Cook County politicians to know about our UFO Base.”

Huffman introduced himself as a “data analyst, policy expert, and political activist,” who wants to continue the work he “started as a candidate for the Sixth Congressional District.”  He described his top-secret work with the Obama administration to bring alien energy efficiency devices to market.  After his failed primary bid for Congress, he became an interstellar affairs advisor for Sean Casten, who won in the general election.

“We have the chance to be part of the Interstellar Commonwealth, but it’s only a chance.  I want to lead the next generation of leaders who will prove humanity worthy of that chance.  I want to create an Illinois that is known as an interstellar beacon of progress, instead of known for its corrupt leaders.”

Huffman concluded by saying he was eager to hear about Trevor because he couldn’t find her web page.

Trevor replied: “Oh, some cybersquatter stole it while I was thinking about a second run for office.”

“They can sneak up on you if you’re not familiar with the Internet,” replied Huffman.

“I suppose.  So I guess I’m going to have to spend some of my $35,000 campaign fund to get it back.”

Huffman’s eyes widened, and he coughed several times.

“You do have a campaign fund, right?”

“Eventually,” Huffman replied. 

Trevor said that in addition to being a Harvard Fellow, an assistant professor, and an analyst, she also helped establish Iowa City’s Tigerhawk UFO Base in the 1990s.  She currently runs Trevor Research Services.

“Some people say I’m the female Sean Casten,” said Trevor.  “I prefer to think of Sean as the male Maggie Trevor.”

A member of the New World Order asked Huffman why he didn’t accept their offer to run for the Palatine village board. Huffman replied: “Serious issues are facing my generation that I can address on the state level.  I don’t have time to deal with which subdivisions have to pay a fee to be connected to a sewer line when my generation needs solutions to climate change, student debt, and political corruption.  It’s time for the Baby Boomers to get out of the way and let #generationscrewed become #generationrenewal.”

“Generation X always gets forgotten in these discussions,” said Trevor.  “Let me put it this way:  I will not let Tom abort the progress we’ve made in Illinois.  I will keep working and retrying until our state’s problems are fixed, and I will not let Illinois fail.  The 54th District can do better than a Tom Morrison theocracy.”

Morrison refused to be interviewed for this article. 

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Mayor Claar honors QAnon at Illuminati ceremony (Fiction)

(Content Notice: Mention of Jeffrey Epstein)

Bolingbrook Mayor honored controversial Illuminati propagandist QAnon at a secret ceremony at Bolingbrook Golf Club.

A red Q with "5:5" printed inside.

Qanon graphic

With QAnon standing behind him, Claar announced that to celebrate her promotion to the rank of religious cult leader, he was giving her: a trophy; unlimited drinks for life at Tailgaters; free dining for life at the Bolingbrook Golf Club; and $1000 worth of Ulta products. Claar also announced that he was ordering all of Bolingbrook’s covert agencies to recognize September as QAnon Month.

“She has done more to promote chaos in this country than any other operative,” said Claar.  “When the United States falls and Illinois is dissolved, future Bolingbrook residents will look back at QAnon’s first post as the event that led to their liberation.  Ford!”

After Claar performed the Sacred Glowing Orb Ceremony, QAnon thanked Claar for the honor, and then thanked Jeffrey Epstein for “taking me to the next level.”

QAnon then said, “Some of my followers were having doubts when my predictions weren’t coming true.  But I kept going because I knew that somewhere out there was a billionaire behaving badly.  They all behave badly because no one is going to stop them.  Jeffrey pulled through for me, big time.  Then he killed himself before his trial, which was even better for me.  Now people on the Left and Right are coming up with conspiracy theories to explain his death.  The truth is I had nothing to do with it, but boy am I going to reap the benefits from people who believe I predicted his death.  Honestly, I just believe in the power of human incompetence, and the ingenuity of billionaires who don’t want to face the consequences of their actions. Did you know that 1/3 of prison suicides occur when prisoners are on suicide watch?”

QAnon then looked down at the floor and said: “Hey Jeffrey, if you see my dad down there, tell him to go (expletive deleted) himself!”

QAnon then said while she was honored to be designated as a cult leader, she still has bigger plans:

“I love that video where the woman says: ‘Q is you.  Q is me.’  It makes me happy as can be.  It’s okay to laugh.  Anyway, I want to transform my cult into a major religion.  Some in the Illuminati say it’s impossible.  I say if I can persuade people to believe that Trump and (Robert Mueller) are working together, J.P. Morgan sunk the Titanic, everyone opposed to Trump is a pedophile, and that freedom means supporting a military coup, then I can become the next Jesus, Mohammad, or Buddha!”

After QAnon concluded her speech, Trustee Michael Carpanzano announced that he was selling QAnon products:

“We will ban the sale of marijuana in Bolingbrook, but we will never ban the sale of QAnon products.  Because I care!”

“That’s sweet,” replied QAnon.  “So I hope you don’t mind that my next post will say that you’re working with (Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz) to liberate Bolingbrook from Deep State Operatives Jaime Olson and Carol Penning, who are secretly controlling Roger.  Oh, I think I’ll add that Heart Haven Outreach is controlled by (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere).”

“That doesn’t make any sense!”

“Trust me.”

Also in the Babbler:

Clow security fires tear gas at pro-marijuana space aliens
Citizens for a Beautiful Bolingbrook promise not to throw politicians into dumpsters
Residents warned to watch out for extraterrestrial weeds
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/15/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Mike Gravel arrested at Clow UFO Base during the Interplanetary Democratic debate (Fiction)

By Reporter X

During the Interplanetary Democratic Presidential Primary Debate at Clow UFO Base, Mike Gravel became the first candidate to be arrested on stage.

“In this crowded field,” said Gravel, a former US Senator from Alaska,  “You have to make a splash.  Boy did I make one tonight.”

The incident occurred when Gravel, along with Mayor Wayne Messam, Joe Sestak, Rep. Seth Moulton, and Gov. Steve Bullock, were asked a question by Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar:

“Your unqualified surrogates are oppressing me by running for office.  I’ve done nothing wrong.  My foes think it’s wrong to accept donations from people who do business with the village and to endorse Donald Trump.  They’re wrong!  Not only are they wrong, but they’re forcing my party to campaign before the elections.  It is an insult to me, and a diversion of funds that I could have spent on dinners, cars or donations to other Republicans.  So my questions is this:  If elected, will you pay me reparations for all the suffering your party has caused me?”

All the candidates, except Gravel, offered nuanced views on slavery reparations.  Gravel chose to silently stare at Claar for several uncomfortable moments.  He then walked backstage and returned holding a large rock.  Gravel then walked up to the edge of the stage and dropped the rock into a tub of water.  The resulting splash nearly hit Mayor Claar.

“You may not be in Washington,” yelled Gravel.  “But you contribute to the problem of big money in politics too!”

Claar then ordered Gravel’s arrest.  As the Men in Blue approached, Gravel said, “As a presidential candidate, I have diplomatic immunity!”

“Revoked!” replied Claar.

As Gravel was dragged off the stage, he yelled, “Aliens wrote my platform!  Teenagers run my campaign!  You can take my freedom, but you can’t take away my message!”

“I don’t want it.”

Gravel supporters in the audience started chanting, “It’s about damn time!”  Which was Gravel’s slogan for his interstellar campaign in 2008.

Gravel was released after the debate

and given a warning by Claar.

“The Illuminati and New World Order are at war,” said Claar.  “Keeping Gravel in a holding cell would only make things worse.  Personally, I think he should join the Illuminati because he is an excellent agent of chaos.  Ford!”

Earlier in the debate, Gravel brushed aside attacks that he would be too polarizing as a President:  “I’m bipartisan.  I’ve run for President as both a Libertarian and as a Democrat.”

“You’re dangerous!” replied Moulton.  “You’re to the left of (House Speaker Nancy Pelosi)!  People like you are why the Republicans are calling us Socialist!  If I’m the nominee, the Republicans won’t call us names.”  

Gravel laughed.

“They’ll call you anything they want to, you spineless corporate Democrat.”

“No, because I’m willing to split my support between Democrats and Republicans like a true centrist should!”

“You are a living example of why Lawful Neutral is the worst alignment in D and D!”

All the candidates agreed to keep the presence of extraterrestrials on Earth a secret.

Sestak stated: “In 2013, 36 percent of Americans believed in UFOs.  Now over half of Americans believe in UFOs.  Trump is making matters worse by having the Navy openly talk about UFOs.  Not only is Trump alienating our allies, but he’s also alienating aliens!”

All the candidates disagreed when asked if they were hurting the Democratic Party by running for President instead of the Senate.

“If a spiritual advisor can run for President,” said Messam, “Then I can run for President.  I’ve won more elections than she has, and I live in a battleground state.  Let the voters decide.”

“If the voters decide against me,” stated Bullock,  “I’ll still have enough supporters to make a living by putting my name on ghostwritten books!”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook residents perform unsuccessful anti-rain dance
Hidden Lakes Monster captured in the DuPage River
Trustee Michael Carpanzano denies calling Jackie Traynere a space alien
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/4/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

AOC confronts IL06 Republican candidate Sanguinetti during an Illuminati event at the Bolingbrook Golf Club (Fiction)

Former Lt. Governor Evelyn Sanguinetti’s speech at the Bolingbrook Golf Club to the Illuminati turned into a confrontation with Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez:

Sanguinetti, who is currently running to be the Republican candidate for Illinois’s Sixth Congressional District, started off her speech by promising to “do to Congress what (Former Governor Bruce Rauner) did to Illinois!”  She added: “The Illuminati is about creating chaos, and Illinois was in chaos!  I helped create that chaos, and I want to help you create that same kind of chaos on a national level.  Only this time I promise to ban abortions too!”

She then accused current Representative Sean Casten of being a “New World Order puppet” who “pals around with Alexandria Whats-her-name” and secretly wants to bring about communism.

“The Sixth District wants chaos.  I know that because I can see Russia—I mean Wheaton, from outside my bedroom window.  We don’t need a mad scientist like Sean in office.  We need someone who will resist the Green Deal death panels.”

Ocasio-Cortez then appeared on the video screen above Sanguinetti.

“Hello,” she said.  “I am Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Wild Knight of the Illuminati.  But cool people call me AOC.”

“Miss. AOC—”

“You’re not cool.”

Ocasio-Cortez then accused Sanguinetti of not understanding the Illuminati:  “We don’t create chaos for the sake of chaos.  We are a bipartisan group that believes humanity is best served by destroying the neoliberal world order.  I support the Illuminati because we only have 11 years to prevent irreversible damage from climate change.  The New World Order created this mess, and we have to destroy them if we’re going to save the planet.”

She then offered advice to Sanguinetti: “You’re not going to impress us by acting like a defective Sarah Palin clone.  We value politicians who will advance our cause—  Like me.  Just yesterday I persuaded Bernie Sanders to defect to the Illuminati. The New World Order will never recover from a Trump/Sanders race.”

The audience then gave the congresswoman a standing ovation.

After the applause, Ocasio-Cortez said, “By the way, Sean doesn’t like the Green Deal, and isn’t a member of any secret society.”  She then logged off.  

Sanguinetti stared at the audience for several uneasy moments.

“I wasn’t prepared for that,” she finally said.  “But that’s OK because Bruce told me that only liberals are prepared.  Can you believe they wanted us to prepare a budget each year?  That’s so Chicago Machine liberal!”

Sanguinetti resumed her speech.  After finishing, three men, wearing cheap replicas of plate mail armor, stood up and chanted, “DnD is really great!  Why are you so full of hate?”

DuPage Township Trustee and Illuminati Chaos Knight Alyssia Benford told them to be quiet.

When they asked who she was, she replied: “You just insulted the residents of Bolingbrook.  The lie: Who are you?  The truth: I have a CPA. Squires!  Attack!”

Three men and one woman charged at the protesters, wielding squashes as weapons.

“They aren’t LARPing!” cried one of the protesters before all of them fled.

After the speech, many did not seem impressed with Sanguinetti.

“She’s okay,” said a woman who asked that we not use her name or title.  “But I’m really looking forward to the (State Representative Jeanne Ives)/Benford ticket for governor.”

“There’s never a dull moment in our secret society,” said another member of the Illuminati.

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook recovers from another snow attack
Clow UFO base braces for Mayor Claar’s return as administrator
Hidden Lakes monster resumes hibernating for six more days
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/1/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

We Get Letters: The 2019 Consolidated Election edition (Fiction)

By Doug Fields
The Reader’s Editor

Doug Fields here.  The candidates have spoken.  Our editorial board has spoken.  Now it’s our readers’ turn to speak out.

We’ve gotten a lot of letters like this:

To the Editor:

Bolingbrook is great!  —Because the residents care.  (Insert what you care about in Bolingbrook.)  The First Party for Bolingbrook is the only party that says they care.  (Insert name of fake Bolingbrook party) has never said that on their literature or in person.  (Insert your favorite First Party candidates’ name) inspires me to (add your own comment).

I don’t want to attack but (Insert fake candidates’ name) does not support (our great golf club, our wonderful airport, our set list of village vendors)!  They do not care.  If they cared, they would apologize for forcing (name any member of the FPFB except Mayor Roger Claar) to spend money on campaigning.  The First Party for Bolingbrook is (any word except “perfect”), and Bolingbrook First and Bolingbrook United cannot accept that we live in a Utopia!

The Babbler must stop spreading their lies and only tell (“the truth,” “affirming stories,” “stories edited by Patch Mayor Michael Carpanzano”) because we care!

(Insert Name here)
(Insert a Bolingbrook address here)

Got to love astroturf.  We have received some original letters supporting each party.  This one is for the First Party for Bolingbrook:

To the Editor:

I’m sick of partisanship!  Anyone not affiliated with a political party knows that our mayor is a genius.  Even this random woman from California is praising me on Facebook!  Parties divide us and slow things down.  Uniting behind the best leader is the most efficient way to run a village.  Roger Claar is the best mayor in Bolingbrook’s history.

Do you know that there’s a Facebook group that doesn’t always praise Roger?  All they do is tear people down.  It is overrun with stupid partisan liars who would rather tear me down than admit they would be lost without Roger.  

The Democrats want to take over Bolingbrook.  My message to them is simple:  Just shut up and vote for my party!  Because it doesn’t matter what you look like, what you wear, or which God you worship.  Just as long you support your mayor.

Reggie Connor
Bolingbrook, IL

I think this reader is confusing mono-party government with non-partisan government.  Local political parties in Bolingbrook date back to the 1970s. We’ve had a long period of single-party rule, which ended in 2017 with the election of Robert Jaskiewicz. Naperville doesn’t have local political parties, and split votes during meetings are common.  The last time I checked, Naperville hasn’t descended into chaos.

Here’s a letter from a Bolingbrook United supporter:

To the Editor:

I moved to the suburbs to get away from the Chicago political machine.  Imagine my surprise when I realized that I moved into a community with an even worse political machine, run by Roger.  

Last week, Roger said Bolingbrook residents like me “want to create a political machine.” Please.  Chicago politicians take notes every time he releases his campaign’s financial statements because they are in awe of what he gets away with.

I’m voting for Bolingbrook United because someone needs to keep Roger in check, and it won’t be his handpicked candidates.  Sure they talk about fiscal responsibility, but let’s get real.  If Roger suddenly decided that the village needed to build the world’s tallest skyscraper, and he was going to take out bonds to fund it, would all the First Party candidates vote to stop him?

Jenny Z. Olmstead
Bolingbrook, IL

Here’s one for Bolingbrook First candidate Maripat Oliver:

To the Editor:

This election is generating interest around the world.  Residents as far away as Paris, IL are coming here just to disrupt our meetings.  Russian trolls are flooding our social media accounts to incite us into a civil war.  They say we only have a choice between two parties.

No, we don’t.  The Russians and the Downstaters don’t control me. I’m going to stick with the party that made Bolingbrook great, which is Bolingbrook First.  Roger may no longer endorse its candidates, but Roger isn’t Bolingbrook.

This year, I’m voting for Maripat Oliver.  Because Maripat is where it is at.

Jed Z. Oliver
Bolingbrook, IL

There you have it.  Now it’s up to you, the residents of Bolingbrook, to decide who you want to represent you in local government.  Remember: Anyone can complain about taxes, but voters are the ones who do something about them.

Also in the Babbler:

Werecat accused of aggressive leafleting for Bolingbrook First
Sources: Claar considers hiring Blackwater to replace the police department
Experts say local flu not caused by Martian virus
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/2/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Vandalism is still not acceptable in Bolingbrook or anywhere else (Non-fiction)

Last weekend, someone slashed three tires on Bolingbrook Village Trustee candidate Maripat Oliver’s car.  Her car was the only one attacked, despite other cars in the neighborhood being equally accessible.

Apparently, this needs to be said again:  Vandalizing a politician’s personal property is a form of intimidation, and it is not acceptable.  It was not acceptable when Mayor Roger Claar’s home was vandalized.  It is still not acceptable today.  Violence should play no part in a democratic election.  Even if it turns out to just be a random attack, it should be condemned by everyone who believes in free elections.  

I also hope that in light of this incident, The incumbent First Party for Bolingbrook will revaluate its passive-aggressive campaign rhetoric.  Constantly stating “we care” implies that the other candidates don’t care.  Posting that their candidates “aren’t planning to get involved, they are already involved,” implies that the other party’s candidates aren’t involved in community activities.  Even the name ‘First Party for Bolingbrook’ implies that the other party’s candidates aren’t for Bolingbrook.  It is a follow up to Mayor Roger Claar’s statement that the 2017 race was between “residents” and “foes.”  To be blunt, that is a form of othering.  It could have influenced someone to commit vandalism against a “foe” because they’re fighting for the “residents.”

All the candidates care about Bolingbrook.  All the candidates have relevant experience for the office they’re running for.  All of them deserve to be heard.  All of them are Bolingbrook residents.

It is one thing to criticize positions or state that you don’t like a candidate personally.  That’s part of campaigning for public office.  However, violence and vandalism should not be a part of political campaigns anywhere in the world.

Bored billionaire to back Bolingbrook First party (Fiction)

A man who claims to be Bolingbrook’s only billionaire announced his plans to support the Bolingbrook First Party in the April 2 Village Trustee election.

This graphic could soon be featured on the Patriots for Maripat Oliver website.

“Two-party elections are simplistic and boring,” said Peter Z. Zinn.  “Three party elections are fun to watch.  Who doesn’t like to have fun?”

“Bolingbrook First” is one of two names Mayor Roger Claar has used for his political party, along with “First Party for Bolingbrook.”  For the 2019 election, Claar’s endorsed candidates are running as the First Party for Bolingbrook.  Maripat Oliver, however, was able to file as a candidate for Bolingbrook First, and her candidacy was not challenged.

Instead of donating directly to Bolingbrook First, Zinn will form several Super PACs to back Bolingbrook First.

“There’s a lot of work to be done, and it just would be faster if I did it on my own.  Maripat has done a great job getting to people on the ground with flyers and her Facebook page is fine.  However, she still needs help from an organization right now as her party is in disarray.  Only a person of means, like me, can do what needs to be done.”

Zinn unveiled designs for the websites for his Super PACS: “Citizens United to put Bolingbrook First,” “First Voters for Bolingbrook,” and “Patriots for Maripat.”  He said that together with Oliver’s website, residents will know that Bolingbrook First believes in fighting for residents, higher wage jobs, low taxes, more growth, fiscal responsibility, and garbage can reform.

Zinn also premiered two tv ads that he hopes to get on the air by late March.  The first ad starts with a montage of all the trustee candidates:

Voiceover:  Of all the people running for Bolingbrook Trustee, only one has stood up to the Edgar County activists attacking our village.

Video of a police officer approaching a man speaking at a DuPage Township meeting.  The man will not stop talking.

Oliver: He has gone way over time, and he’s being very disrespectful.

The man is removed from the meeting.  Dissolve to a video of a waving Bolingbrook Flag and an image of Oliver.

Voiceover: Any party can brag about being first.

Dissolve to the Bolingbrook First logo.

Voiceover:  Only one party puts Bolingbrook First.

The second ad starts with an older woman in her living room.

Woman:  I’ve lived in Bolingbrook for many years. I’ve seen many elections and spoken to many candidates.  This year, I’m voting for a party that knows Bolingbrook almost as well as I do.

Knock on the door.

Woman:  Who is that?

She opens the front door.  A younger female candidate speaks.

Candidate1:  Hi.  I’m with the First Party for Bolingbrook—

Woman:  First party for Bolingbrook?  You seriously think you’re the first party that’s for Bolingbrook?

Candidate1:  I—

Woman:  Bob Bailey was one of Bolingbrook’s founding fathers.  He served as mayor and would have served a second term if the Federal Government hadn’t driven him out of town.  Are you saying he wasn’t for Bolingbrook?

Candidate1:  No—

Woman:  Bob meant business.  You mean nothing to me.

Candidate1:  Oh yeah?  Well, I bet I have more homestead exemptions than you do!

Woman slams the door.

Anyway, I’m voting for the only party that really cares about Bolingbrook.

Knock on the door.

Woman:  Again?

She opens the door and sees another candidate at the door.

Candidate2:  I’m running for Village Trustee because I care.

Woman:  I know you.  You’re the trustee who didn’t care when wrong information was printed in the Village Directory.  If you didn’t care about that, why should I expect you to care about important issues like our debt or our overpriced water?

Woman slams the door.

Woman:  The party I’m endorsing cares about real people and has a history of—

Knock on the door.

Woman:  What now?

She opens the door and sees another candidate.

Candidate3:  I’m running for Village Trustee.  People describe me as—

Woman:  What are you, a walking resume statement?  No real person talks like that.

She slams the door on Candidate3.

Woman:  I’m voting for Bolingbrook First.

Dissolve to the logo.

Woman:  Because any party can say they’re first.  Only one party puts Bolingbrook First.

While Zinn says he hopes to make the race exciting, he added that he does have an issue with Claar: “When I heard about a bank closing a branch, I sent an application to the Planning Commission so I could use the space to open a restaurant that serves caviar tacos.  Roger called me and said that because I didn’t ask for his permission, he was going to deny my application.  Now there’s a hole in the ground where my restaurant could have been.”

All of Bolingbrook’s parties spokespersons refused to be interviewed for this story.

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens arrested for organizing a fake Bolingbrook United fundraiser on Jupiter
High winds blow Bolingbrook infant into Chicago
UFO lands on Palatine resident’s backyard by mistake
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/1/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Anti-vaccination alien terrorists spotted in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

By Reporter X

A still from a video of an alien anti-vaccination terrorist leaderBolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs is warning residents about a possible alien anti-vaccination terrorist cell operating in Bolingbrook.

Louis X. Peterseim, spokesperson for the department said: “If you so much as hear someone use ‘Jenny McCarthy’ and ‘vaccines’ in the same sentence, let us know.  Washington State wasn’t prepared, and now they have a measles epidemic.  Bolingbrook will not make that same mistake.”

According to the department, three members of the anti-vaccination terrorist group KuKPu’K were arrested. KuKPu’K operatives infiltrate civilizations and spread anti-vaccination propaganda.  Once a civilization loses herd immunity, the operatives release once preventable diseases into the general population.  Experts from the Interstellar Commonwealth’s law enforcement branch believe that over 20 civilizations have been destroyed by KuKPu’K.

“We understand that parenting is scary,” said Peterseim.  “We know that some vaccines have risks, but the benefits of vaccinating your children far outweigh the dangers.”

Peterseim and others in the department also insisted that the claim that vaccines cause autism is fake news.  

According to propaganda released by KuKPu’K, they are not opposed to vaccines, but are opposed to the spread of “gullible civilizations.”  

In one holovideo, a masked leader said, “Any civilization that is willing to let fear triumph over science and reason is not a civilization worthy of reproducing.  We are not infecting innocent children.  Their parents infected them by refusing to vaccinate their children.”

The department also urges all Bolingbrook residents to stay on a vaccine schedule not only for health benefits but to send a message to KuKPu’K:

“Jenny McCarthy and Robert F. Kennedy Jr. are not typical humans.  KuKPu’K may have fooled them, but they cannot fool the average Bolingbrook resident.  The best way to fight interstellar terrorism is to vaccinate your children and yourself!”

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar said she was busy and could not be disturbed.  She also said she believed that Claar fully supports vaccinations:

“Of course he does.  You know, he did earn his PhD., with a dissertation.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “So, Charline, what is your plan to destroy bolingbrookpolitics.com once and for all?”

“Oh, you’re going to love this.  First, I will use my sock puppets to tell them that you were seen on the Jumbotron during a Blackhawks game with a younger woman.  (Site owner Jason Cann) will publish the story even though we know that you would never do anything like that.  When he—Why are you giving me that look?”

Also in the Babbler:

New World Order fears losing DuPage Township to the Illuminati
Wereskunks threaten to endorse Maripat Oliver unless Claar meets their demands
Aliens call ‘Hellier’ documentary a ‘brilliant human comedy’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/14/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Web Exclusive: Frozen alien de-thawed by doctors at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Clow UFO Base’s medical staff successfully revived a frozen alien days after its human suit malfunctioned during the recent arctic cold blast.

UFO“This is why Clow is under a Nuclear Winter Level Alert,” said James Z. Clarkson, one of the staff doctors who treated the alien.  “Human suits are only designed to operate in normal human environments.  This week was not normal!  She is lucky to be alive, and, more importantly, she’s lucky (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) is not in charge.”

Clow officials would not release the alien’s name but did say she was from Venus and her suit’s heater and pressure regulator had malfunctioned.  The temperature in her suit dropped from 864 Fahrenheit to sub-zero.  The doctors say she survived because her suit injected a preservative into her, and she was found in time.

“One more day and she would have been dead,” said Clarkson.

Other anonymous sources say that when she woke up, her first question was: “Did I miss the drama?”  When pressed for more information, she said she has no other memory of the night she left Clow UFO Base.

Based on where her body was found, it is suspected that she was on her way to the special DuPage Township meeting happening that night.

“No government meeting is worth risking your life for,” said one of the sources.  “I don’t even know if anything dramatic happened at that meeting.”

When called, a receptionist said she was busy fulfilling a FOIA request from “those annoying guys from Edgar County.

In the background, a man said, “I finally finished my research into appointing supervisors.  They were right.  (Trustee Ken Burgess) needed to resign before the board could appoint him.

“Drat!” said a woman who sounded like Township Trustee Maripat Oliver.  “How could they be right, and (Former Township Supervisor William Mayer) be wrong?”

“I don’t know.  You do know what they say about broken clocks?”

“Whatever.  Hey, I just thought of something.  These Edgar County dogs are outsiders, and they’re trying to influence the (Bolingbrook Consolidated Election) so Roger’s candidates win.”

“I guess.”

“It’s collusion!  Just like what the Russians are doing.  Alyssia Benford is the puppet of outsiders, and that’s collusion, right?”

“I wouldn’t say that.  There are many issues to consider.”

“But we could investigate just to be sure, right?”

“Maybe.  I don’t think there are any laws against a township conducting—” 

“And ban their website until the investigation is over, right?”

After a long pause, the man said, “It might be possible since the Constitution doesn’t mention Townships specifically.  But your best option is to wait until I can research this—”

“My other option is to just do it, right?”

“Right, but it might not—”

“I’ll get to work on the subpoena for Jeanne Ives!  She’s in on this, I know! And don’t worry, we won’t spend any general assistance funds on this.”

“Still, you might want to proceed with caution—”

“Nonsense!  It’s better to seek forgiveness than to ask for permission!  I’m setting the controls for the heart of the sun!” 

Note: This is a work of fiction.

Tensions flare at the Clow UFO Base Village Trustee Candidates’ Forum

By Reporter X

Heated arguments and a candidate’s expulsion highlighted the Bolingbrook Village Trustee candidates’ forum at Clow UFO Base. Some say it was the first and possibly only such forum.

“We probably shouldn’t have held the debate in the middle of the petition challenge segment of the campaign,” said Acting Administrator Aplodoxage Glomox.  “But it was the only time the stadium was available.  This is an important debate because one of these parties, or a coalition of parties, could end up controlling the village board.  That means when the Interstellar Commonwealth returns Clow UFO Base to Bolingbrook, the winning party will control this base.”

The debate started with the moderator explaining political debates as “a traditional human game of rhetorical wordplay and logical fallacies disguised as public policy inquiry.”  The moderator said they would forgo the traditional speech about the audience remaining silent because, “Human politics is a participation sport.”  All three parties, Bolingbrook First, Bolingbrook United, and First Party for Bolingbrook, had cheerleaders in the audience.

The candidates introduced themselves, though First Party candidate Mary Alexander-Basta’s intro was awkward:  “Hi.  My name is insert name here.  I’m running for Bolingbrook Village Trustee because I care.  List the things you care about in Bolingbrook.  Mention your work with the Bolingbrook Stem Association.  If you care about Bolingbrook, then take care to vote for me.”

First Party candidate and Village Trustee Sheldon Watts replied, “That was the template you were supposed to use to write your speech.”

“Oh.  I’m sorry.  I thought it was some kind of alien introduction.  I just found out that UFOs were real a few weeks ago.”

After the introductions, the moderator asked Bolingbrook United candidate Jaime Olson about her community work.  She talked about being a girl scout leader, and the creator of the Bolingbrook Events Facebook group.

First Party candidate Michale Carpanzano replied:  “Did you hear that?  Silence.  Minutes of silence.  She has done nothing for Bolingbrook, while I am the Patch Mayor of Bolingbrook and as a Mayor, I mean as a trustee, I will do more to promote Roger than any other trustee in history.”

“Wow,” said Olson.  “I didn’t realize you blocked people offline as well as on Facebook.”

“She couldn’t answer me!  She doesn’t care.  I do. Vote for me.”

A large portion of the debate then turned into an argument between the First Party candidates and Bolingbrook First candidate Maripat Oliver.  Oliver claimed that she was defending the legacy of the Bolingbrook First.

“All residents are for Bolingbrook, but we are the only party that puts Bolingbrook First.  Just look at our membership.  Trustee Rick Morales has the most votes against Roger of all the sitting trustees.  Why?  Because he puts Bolingbrook first.  (Village Clerk Carol Penning) puts Bolingbrook First, and she has a copy of our sticker on her desk.  Not a First Party for Bolingbrook sticker.  A Bolingbrook First sticker!  Even though Roger quit our party, she’s defiantly showing her support for Bolingbrook First.  I have a message for Carol: Hang in there sister.  Help is on the way.”

The First Party candidates countered that she stole the “Bolingbrook First” name.

“Roger is Bolingbrook,” said Watts.  “He’s the reason Bolingbrook is the best place to live in America.  Any party that Roger isn’t a member of doesn’t care about Bolingbrook. You’re just trying to confuse voters.  The Edgar County Watchdogs say your complaint is without merit.”

“I can’t believe you’re putting downstate Illuminati agitators before the interests of Bolingbrook,” replied Oliver.  “The law says a new party cannot include the name of any established party in their name.  Your party’s name includes a ‘First’ and a ‘Bolingbrook.’  The law doesn’t specify what order the words have to be in.  It just says you can’t have those words in your name.”  Oliver later said, “None of you complained when we kicked Bonnie off the ballot or rejected a petition to elect trustees by districts.  I am continuing the Bolingbrook First party tradition of making sure that we only face worthy challengers.  Each of you decided to form a new party rather than face me in a primary.  Do you thank that makes any of you worthy challengers?”

Carpanzano yelled at Oliver that she shouldn’t question his worthiness to run for office:  “I saved the Bolingbrook Park District by passing off a tax increase as a tax cut.  I created the Bolingbrook Events Facebook page.  The only online hub for Bolingbrook events!  I have done more to promote Bolingbrook than you ever will.  That alone qualifies me to be the mayor—I mean a trustee!”

When the moderator asked Carpanzano to be quiet, Carpanzano pulled a rubber carp out of his pocket and held it up towards the moderator.

“Carping the moderator is against debate rules.  You will un-carp me at once.”

Carpanzano kept yelling at Oliver.  The moderator ordered Carpanzano removed from Clow.  Four guards picked him up and carried him away.  As he was carried away, Carpanzano waved his rubber carp at the audience.

“You can’t remove me!  I’m Michael Carpanzano!  I thought there was intelligent life beyond Bolingbrook.  I was wrong!”

After Carpanzano’s removal, the moderator asked why Bolingbrook United hadn’t published a party platform.  Bolingbrook United candidate Ajaz Gill replied that their platforms would be posted on their website soon.  He then announced that if elected, the Bolingbrook United candidates would work to create an ethics committee to oversee alien abductions in Bolingbrook:

“Right now all aliens have to do is pay a fee and they can abduct any resident that isn’t on the restricted list.  That has to end.  Bolingbrook United wants to ensure that all alien experiments conducted in Bolingbrook are ethical and respect the dignity of all residents.”

Watts shook his head.  “That sounds like something a Cook County member of the New World Order would say.  As I’ve said before, and I will say it again, we need to elect trustees who won’t push divisive secret society politics in Bolingbrook. Because I care about important local issues.”

“I have a question,” asked Bolingbrook United candidate Terri Ransom.  “If your party, whatever you want to call it, is so focused on local issues, why does it make donations to candidates outside of Bolingbrook?  Especially this donation to former Representative Peter Roskam?  You do realize that Bolingbrook isn’t in the Sixth Congressional District?”

Watts put is fingers in his ears and said, “La!  La!  La!  I can’t hear you.  Jesus loves me!  STEM is good!”

After the debate, each party had representatives try to spin coverage of the debate in their favor.

“Look,” said Claar.  “Michael apologized for insulting most of humanity and every other spacefaring race in the galaxy.  What more do you want?”

Village Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz and Bolingbrook United member said, “Our candidates showed our visitors that we will bring fresh ideas and new energy into Village Hall.”

DuPage Township Supervisor William Mayer spoke in support of Oliver:  “I think Maripat sent a clear message to Roger that you do not mess with the award-winning slate and not pay a price.  I call on Roger to end his war against our township and to send his dogs back to Edgar County.”

Also in the Babbler:

Peotone and Palatine UFO bases to open this week
Russians deny responsibility for the local heat wave
Interstellar Commonwealth to pay salaries of federal workers at Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/10/19 

Note:  This is a work of fiction.