(Link) Trump will leave but…(Non-fiction)

With Trump’s refusal to concede, his moves at the Pentagon, and ridiculous allegations of voter fraud, there’s a lot of speculation that Trump is plotting a coup.

Personally, I tend to side more with Amanda Marcotte’s view that Trump will fail to stay in office, but his talk and actions are still dangerous:

Coups are hard, and they tend to fail. Donald Trump and a bunch of Nunes toadies sure aren’t organized and focused enough to pull it off in the face of nearly insurmountable obstacles.

Trump will be slinking out of the White House in about nine weeks. But that doesn’t mean his reality TV-style failed coup isn’t dangerous. It’s very much is — because Trump is pushing his already vitriolic and authoritarian followers further down the path towards rejecting democracy entirely.
In 2016, I initially didn’t think Trump would win, but I was worried about a Trump 2.0 running in 2020.  Someone who would lay off Twitter.  Someone who would say the right things to military leaders instead of remaining silent while Russia places a bounty on US Troops.  Someone who could say the hateful things Trump says but have better management skills and a team to better implement his bigotry.
Instead of a near miss, we got Trump, and Trump did considerable damage.  Even I couldn’t imagine how he’d bungle a pandemic.  And he’s not done.
As Marcotte writes, Trump promotes the idea that votes for anyone who is not part of his Republican party are illegal.  That because most Democratic voters live in urban areas, and many are non-white. Therefore Democrats aren’t “real” Americans.  His supporters may talk about freedom and democracy, but what they’re really promoting is authoritarianism.
The voters defeated Trump, and, due to a lack of planning, Trump won’t be able to stay in office past January 20.  But he can create a huge mess for Biden in the government and create more misery by ignoring the COVID-19 pandemic as it flares up again.  Combine this with the Republicans holding the Senate, and probably of a Trump 2.0 being elected in 2024 increases.  And this person might be much harder to organize against than Trump.
Trump might be out of office next year, but I’m concerned that his actions during the lame-duck session will have dangerous consequences for the US and the rest of the world.

Overtime! A Bolingbrook Babbler Special 2020 Election Report (Fiction)

Representative Bill Foster

Rep. Bill Foster, a member of the New World Order, easily defeated his Illuminati opponent in the 2020 election.

From Reporter X:  While the local mainstream is focused on the results of the 2020 Election, here are the stories they missed:

1. Space Force leaves Bolingbrook to ‘stand up and fight back’ for Trump

Overnight, Space Force troops destroyed their base in Bolingbrook and texted the village managers that they were permanently leaving Bolingbrook.

“Space Force’s 1st Space Force High Border Wall Battalion is redeploying, as per President Trump’s new orders.  We will stand up and fight back against the enemies of our President.”

Donna K Smith, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, said the village did not receive advance notice of the Space Force’s departure:

“After we received the text message from Space Force, our team of investigators found a hole in the ground and residents who were asking too many questions.  I’m happy to report that we filled the hole and fixed the memories of some residents.  Space Force can expect to receive our bill in the next week.  We hope they don’t force us to hire a collection agency.”

2. Fifteen arrested after ‘Oberweising’ McHenry County Clerk’s office

What was supposed to be a peaceful protest in support of Congressional Candidate Jim Oberweis, ended in a brawl and 15 arrests:

“We wanted to support them,” said a deputy who asked to remain anonymous.  “We all want Jim Oberweis to win against (Representative Lauren Underwood).  But they were so disruptive in the end, we had no choice.  But don’t worry.  We’re not going to charge any of them with attempted manslaughter for not wearing face masks.”

Initially, the protesters peacefully slurped drinks from a nearby Oberweis Dairy Store to express their displeasure at the close vote count between Underwood and Oberweis.  One protester described their action as “Oberweising” and hoped it would catch on among conservative activists.

The protest became violent when they couldn’t agree on a chant.  Some wanted to chant “stop the count” because Oberweis currently has the most votes.  Others wanted to chant “Count the Vote” because they feel Oberweis will get more votes as mail-in ballots arrive.

“We have to stop counting because the Cook County Democrats are flooding our district with fake ballots!” said one protester.

“Shut up Normie!” replied another protester.  “The Libtards are throwing away Republican votes.  We have to make sure they’re counted.”

Neither side provided proof of their allegations and started brawling instead.  That forced the deputies to make arrests.  All 15 were released after spending an hour in jail.  Mysteriously, no charges were filed, and there is no record of the arrests.

Oberweis denied any knowledge of the protest:  “I don’t care about fake news.  I care about splitting up Illinois—I mean serving the legal residents of Illinois.”

3. Interstellar court dismisses lawsuit to throw out Illinois election results

Despite Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar shouting, the Clow UFO Base Court of Extraterrestrial Affairs in the 109,298,291 Circuit refused to invalidate Illinois’s election.

“‘Michael Madigan’ is not a sufficient reason to throw out several million valid ballots,” said Judge Kilos Sturgon.

Claar responded with an unprintable comment, and added:  “Do I need to bring in (Will County Chief Judge Richard C. Schoenstedt) to educate you?”

“Maybe he can educate you about the concept of showing contempt towards the court.  You wouldn’t like my teaching style.”

Sturgon laughed at the proposed remedy of having President Donald Trump appoint all elected officials in Illinois and Illinois’s Electoral College delegates.

‘Don’t laugh at me,” countered Claar.  “Illinois has disenfranchised Trump supporters for years.”

“Do you know what that word means?”

“It means whatever will help my President.”

“Try enjoying your retirement for a change,” said Sturgon before dismissing the lawsuit.

Melisa Quinones, a lawyer representing an anonymous resident of Bolingbrook, praised the dismissal:  “The residents of Illinois made it clear they have a thirst for voting.  Ruling in favor of Roger would have been the equivalent of pouring sand down their throats.  Voting is like water, and Illinois residents need water— Just not at outrageous rates.”

4. Illuminati forces Jeanne Ives to wear the ‘shoes of shame’

After Jeanne Ives failed to unseat Representative Sean Casten, the Illuminati sentenced her to wear the “shoes of shame” for one week.

“Our operatives risked their lives for your campaign,” said Master Councilor Lev.  “You wasted their time posting ugly signs.  You spent more time complaining about state officials than you did running against Sean.  Do you even know what office you were running for?”

 “Of course,” replied Ives.  “I was running to be (Governor J.B. Pritzker’s) boss.  I was so looking forward to firing him.”

“Wrong is too weak a word to describe your thinking.”

Ives was offered a chance to apologize for her failure but refused.

“I’d rather be wrong than wearing a mask in fear of the Chinese virus.  Would you like a patch?”

For the next week, Ives will have to wear a pair of glow in the dark yellow tennis shoes with bells.   Ives, however, says she is not concerned:  “I only ran for Congress to keep my name in the news.  They’re making a big deal out of nothing.  They’ll come around when I run for Governor.  Or President.  Whatever will put me in charge of Illinois, that’s what I’ll run for.”

When reached for comment, Casten replied, “I’m happy the voters sent me back to Washington, but it won’t be the same.  Some of my friends won’t be back, the Squad gained more members, and I’ll have to listen to QAnon members make vile accusations against me.”

5, Trustee Jaskiewicz rescued from the Hidden Lakes Monster

Village workers rescued Bolingbrook Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz hours after the Hidden Lakes Monster captured his submersible pod.

“I’m fine,” said Jaskiewicz.  “The monster is fine too.  Who thought it was a good idea to put a submarine in Hidden Lakes?”

According to anonymous village employees, on Election Night, the village trustees were sent to secure locations in case of election-related violence.  Jaskiewicz was assigned to hide inside a submersible pod under Hidden Lakes.  Hidden Lakes is also the home of the Hidden Lakes Monster.  It’s the smallest body of water known to have a lake monster.

“We thought the monster was in hibernation,” said an employee.  “I guess the warm weather, and the excitement of election day woke it up.”

After Jaskiewicz’s pod was placed into Hidden Lakes, the half duck half sea serpent creature wrapped itself around the pod and pulled it into the deepest part of the lake.

“Sure,” said the employee.  “Most of Hidden Lakes is shallow and was once a trout farm.  But certain areas are up to a mile deep.  That’s where the creature hides, and why it took us a while to find Bob.”

Once found, divers lured the monster away from the pod with birdseed.  Then they were able to raise the pod to the surface.

“There’s still a risk of violence related to the election,” said Jaskiewicz.  “Some politicians should know better.  Anyway, this time I’m going to be sheltering in a safe place, rather than the bottom of Hidden Lakes.”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Web Exclusive: Ives campaign cancels ‘Casten You to Hell’ hell house (Fiction)

 

The Ives campaign cancels their Rep. Sean Casten themed haunted house due to COVID restrictions.

Jeanne Ives, the Republican candidate for Illinois’ Sixth Congressional District, will not be hosting her “Casten You to Hell” hell house this year due to statewide COVID-19 restrictions.

A press release from the Ives campaign stated: “Our governor, who doesn’t know Jesus Christ, is oppressing good Christians by banning our hell house!  Since we are forgiving Christians, we leave judgment of the governor to Christ the King. Our fearless volunteers will knock on every door in the Sixth District to show voters the horrors that will follow the reelection of (Representative Sean Casten.)”

According to sources, “Casten You to Hell” would have featured such “horrors” as gay marriage, Christians forced to smoke cannabis,  a vegetarian meal, children with tablets glued to their eyes, transgender employees, and an actor portraying Casten bludgeoning creationists with science books.

“Governor Pritzker thinks we should hold a hayride instead.  Just as he doesn’t understand the joy of bacon, he doesn’t understand that Hell Houses must be held indoors, and illicit as much screaming as possible!  We did our part and stayed at home for a little bit, and sometimes wore masks.  Now we demand that you let us show the Sixth District voters that they should fear gay adoption instead of the deadly fake China virus!”  

Cindy, an Ives staffer who asked that we not use her real name, claims that the hell house was really closed due to virus concerns:

“We think Sean’s secret crew is releasing real viruses at our events to make the fake virus seem real, and to frame Jeanne as irresponsible for holding mask-less events during a pandemic.  Who knows what the Casten Crew would do to our hell house?”

Peter, another staffer, claims Ives’s volunteers are needed elsewhere:

“As much as I love playing a demonic rioter, basic training for Trump’s election day army starts this week.  I think Jeanne is going to lead the Sixth District Battalion’s march on the DuPage County Clerk’s office.  Let’s just say it will make the Brooks Brothers Riot look like a sandbox fight.  General Roger Stone will be proud of us!”

When reached for comment, Ives said:  “What a fake story.  You should report on real stories, like how Sean is hiding from me.”

“Um,” said a man who sounded like Casten.  “I’m right here, and we’re about to debate each other on the radio.”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

UFOs displaying Jeanne Ives ads crash in Naperville (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Ten UFOs displaying ads for Congressional candidate Jeanne Ives crashed in Naperville Sunday eve.   The UFOs lifted off from Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base at 7:30 pm, but each craft reported equipment malfunctions when they flew over Lisle at 7:45.

A transcript from one of the pilots read: “Our hologram is spinning!  The ground is above me!  There are too many trees!”

Other pilots claimed they were victims of the so-called Lisle Square, a mysterious region in Lisle where some UFO’s experience anomalies.  The last crash associated with the Lisle Square occurred in 2008 when K09 UFO crashed into Four Lakes Ski Hill.

When Clow traffic control ordered the craft to fly south, the UFOs flew westward instead.  The leader explained that flying west would have saved the crew of Flight 19.  Flight 19 was a Navy Air Squadron that flew into the Bermuda Triangle wormhole back in 1945.

Instead of regaining control by flying west, the UFOs lost power once they left Lisle airspace and crashed in the downtown Naperville area.

John X. Carter witnessed one of the UFOs crash into downtown Naperville:  “I saw this burning disc with a Jeanne Ives ad in a power dive.  I turned to run away because I thought it was going to hit an apartment building. A few seconds later, I stopped when I heard a fire alarm go off.  The apartment was fine and I didn’t see any sign of the UFO.  The fire department blocked off the area behind the apartment and got really mad when I tried to take a look.  Maybe it phased cloaked through the apartment and crash-landed in the Library parking lot?”

Clow officials denied the existence of the Lisle Square and insisted there was a rational explanation for the accident.

“These display ad crafts have the same design flaw as the K09,” said Joan Armstrong, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “They’ll travel thousands of light-years without any issue, only to fall apart when they reach Earth.  There is no Lisle Square and don’t make us drag Brian Dunning out of obscurity to debunk it!”

Armstrong confirmed that the fleet was paid for by the Ives campaign to display her ads above the Sixth Congressional District.

“If she wants a refund, she’ll have to talk to the crew.  Clow assumes no responsibility for defective UFOs that just happen to be in our airspace.”

An anonymous staffer for the Ives campaign denied that Ives is spending money on UFO advertising:

“Jeanne’s signs are being defaced with vulgar words like (expletive deleted).  (Congressman Sean Casten) won’t denounce his (transphobic remark deleted) (racist remark deleted) (sexist remark deleted) gang!”

A woman who sounded like Ives said, “Remember what’s on the banner outside?”

“I’m sorry, but ‘Mobs or Jobs’ is lame.  Why can’t we just say (racist remark deleted) or militias?”

“I’ve played dog-whistle politics longer than you’ve been alive, so don’t you dare lecture me on what slogans I should use.  Now tell that reporter that Sean is the real divider and Pat Brady is an evil R.I.N.O!”

A spokesperson for the Casten campaign reached by Zoom laughed and talked about Casten’s work on climate change.

In the background, a woman who resembles covert social media operative Charlene Spencer spoke while wearing a modified full-face snorkel mask:  “You’re going to love these scripts, and I won’t charge you for the production.”

A woman wearing a hazmat suit replied:  “Thanks, but we already produced our first TV ad.  Here’s the first one.”

“You’re going with the nerd angle?  Seriously?  Have you guys seen how dark and depressing the world is today?”

“Yes.”

“Then why are you running a funny ad?”

“Because where there’s humor, there’s hope.  A vote for Sean is a vote for hope.”

“Oh, please!”

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said she was speaking with the co-village administrators and could not be disturbed:

“Have a great day, and don’t blame Mayor Mary for two more weeks of COVID mitigation rules.”

In the background, a man shouted, “Zombies!  2020 has unleashed zombies on Bolingbrook!”

A man who sounded like Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar yelled:  “Just because they named a street after me doesn’t mean I’m dead!”

Also in the Babbler:

Joshie Berger closes Clow’s Worst to First restaurant
Bolingbrook man’s blood turns to vodka after taking Russian COVID vaccine
Editorial:  Nineteen years later, the terrorists lost, but so did we
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/12/20

Palatine proposes haunted parking lot for early voting site (Fiction)

Update:  Since this article was published, the Village of Palatine announced that the early voting site will be at 150 W. Wilson Street:

Early voting will take place from 10/19/20 to 11/2/20, with hours of 9 AM – 7 PM Monday through Friday and 9 AM – 5 PM on weekends.

Our sources also tell us that the ghosts residing in the building agreed not to scare or spy on voters.

Original article:

According to sources, the Village of Palatine will use a haunted parking lot for their early voting location.

Located on the corner of N. Smith Street and W. Colfax Street, the parking lot is allegedly home to at least one ghost.  According to the Palatine Patch, sometime during World War II, a factory worker was killed by a car near this intersection.  Some residents, like Phil, claim that the intersection is haunted by that worker:

“Every evening, I see a man with a lunch box crossing the street.  I know it’s that ghost.  Sometimes he changes his face and disguises the lunch bucket as a briefcase or cell phone, but he can’t fool me!”

Despite the presence of the infamous ghost, the village will offer the adjacent parking lot to the Cook County Clerk as an early voting location.  The village will offer an open tent, but the county will be expected to staff the site and devise a way to ensure each voter’s privacy.

According to a member of the Village Manager’s staff, the parking lot is the only acceptable location left in Palatine: “The room we used to use in Village Hall is too cramped.  Using the Police Department is apparently too intimidating for some residents.  So we’re using a parking lot and that’s it.  If you’re afraid of ghosts, that’s too bad!  What’s there to be afraid of?  They’re dead, and you can walk through them.”

Joyce, a long time Palatine resident, believes that ghosts are a threat to some residents:  “If you have a heart condition, being startled by a ghost can kill you.  Ghosts also remind people of their own mortality.  Knowing that a polling place is haunted might discourage some voters, and that would be bad.  We need a safe and secure early voting site in Palatine.  I don’t want to spend election day stuck in a long line to enter a crowded room, only to have my ballot tossed because some inexperienced election judge forgot to initial my ballot.”

Stephanie, another long time resident of Palatine, isn’t concerned about voting in a haunted parking lot:  “I’m pretty sure that the Cook County Clerk’s office has ways of dealing with ghosts.  After all, it’s likely that every building in Chicago is haunted.”

A receptionist for Village Hall said that Village Manager Reid Ottesen was busy and could not be disturbed.  

In the background, a person who sounded like Ottesen, said: “What are you reading?”

A man who sounded like Mayor Jim Schwantz said: “My producers sent these pre-written obituaries for every member of the Chicago Bears.  All my years in the NFL taught me that you can never be too prepared!”

Also in the Babbler:

Wererats to perform at Bolingbrook’s Wednesday Concert Series
Hidden Lakes Monster rescues toddler from drowning
Full Contact Gospel Church to hold ‘Sparing for Jesus’ demonstration
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/26/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

UFO crew surrenders to Pete Buttigieg (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Former Presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg meets with a crew of alien supporters.

After attacking UFOs displaying ads for Joe Biden and Elizabeth Warren, a UFO crew loyal to Pete Buttigieg surrendered after meeting with him. 

“The alien crew didn’t believe the reports of Pete suspending his campaign,” said Sheila Z. Blake, a spokesperson for the Palatine Police Department and Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base.  “Thanks to Pete, we were able to bring this unfortunate situation to a peaceful end.”

The craft started its attacks Sunday evening.  Interceptors from all three of Chicagoland’s UFO bases attacked the craft.

An interceptor pilot, who asked not to be identified, described the aliens as fanatics:

“They kept saying that Pete’s confession speech was ‘deep fake’ created by the Russians to fool Americans into electing Joe Biden.  They thought if Biden gets the nomination, then Trump would win the election.  I said the polls show that all the Democratic candidates beat Trump.  Plus Pete’s withdrawal might mean no candidate gets a majority of delegates.  The commander accused me of being fake news and tried to destroy me.  I never thought of Pete as having fanatical followers.  Let alone alien fanatical followers.”

After a long aerial dogfight, Sherman UFO Base told the crew that Pete Buttigieg wanted to meet them.  The crew agreed to land at Sherman UFO Base.  Interceptors from Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base at first kept attacking the craft but were eventually recalled.  According to sources inside Clow, Mayor Roger Claar choose to recall the fighters because he did not want to risk “dragging Bolingbrook into a protracted Democratic delegate fight.”

When the craft landed, Buttigieg entered the craft and let the crew scan him.  Once they confirmed his identity, Buttigieg told that he really did suspend his campaign and he did not approve of their “terrorism.”

“But,” said the commander, “How could you stop fighting?  You convinced us to dedicate ourselves to find the progressive middle.  You said that we must change the ways of your Washington DC, but not go down the path of Bernie Sanders.  You said Joe Biden was the path of failure.”

“Yeah, I said a lot of things during the election,” replied Buttigieg.  “But the fact is I can’t win, and Joe offered me a really good deal.”

“You made a deal?”

“Yes.  If Joe is elected, I will become the ambassador to the Interstellar Commonwealth.  Remember, the path of moderation requires compromise.  An unwillingness to compromise leads you down the path of Bernie Sanders.”

“We understand!  We surrender!  Please forgive us.”

Buttigieg forgave them but said they had to serve time for what they did.

The crew is currently in the custody of the New World Order, pending extradition to their home planet.

The Buttigieg campaign said they will donate their UFO ad spaces to the Biden campaign.

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar actives emergency command center at the Bolingbrook Golf Club
Minnesota talking land squids reported canvassing for Sanders
Bolingbrook tests ‘quarantine drones’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/4/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own and may not reflect the views of any organizations I work for or my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Martian Colonial marines seize former Old Chicago site (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The Martian Colonies launched a surprise invasion of Bolingbrook and seized the former site of the Old Chicago mall.

 During a press conference with the members of the interstellar media, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claa said: 

“Residents should stay calm. I hope I can talk some sense into leaders of the Martian Colonies so they will get the (expletive deleted) out of my village.”

Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler added: “As the universe knows, we have no effective defense against a colonial attack.  If they wanted us dead, we would be dead, because their weapons are at least 10,000 years more advanced than ours.  Hopefully we can resolve this before President Trump sends Space Force soldiers to be massacred.”

“Your crisis management skills suck,” Claar grumbled.

The Martian Colonial government released a statement denying that they had invaded Bolingbrook.  According to the report, the marines are part of a “peacekeeping mission.”

Part of the statement reads: “We are very concerned about the deteriorating political situation on Earth.  Earth’s collapsing ecosystem and humanity’s meme epidemic is stressing their governmental units to the breaking point.  Even the so-called United States, a government with nuclear weapons, is descending into lawlessness and corruption.  While we have not always agreed with the primitive policies of the Interstellar Commonwealth, we do not want to see any of its members endangered while visiting our solar system.  Our mission is to protect our alien visitors from the primitive natives of Earth.”

An employee at Cox Automotive, which owned the site prior to the invasion, claims he was present when the marines landed:

“A few minutes after I arrived at work, I was surrounded by armed aliens.  Their leader said that  they could have killed me and Roger wouldn’t be able to do anything about it.  Then he—I think it was a he—said that they were here on a peace mission, and that they were going to give me ‘special paper’ for the site.  Then several large crates appeared.  I looked inside, and saw they were full of dollar bills.  They looked real, so I agreed to give them the site.  Turns out, they paid $50.5 million.  Have you ever tried to deposit $50.5 million in cash?”

Sources connected to both Clow UFO Base and the Martian Colonies say the Colonists will build a 100 foot high “peacekeeping compound” on the site.  Troops stationed at the base will “protect” all aliens visiting Clow UFO Base, Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base, and Peotone UFO Base. The colonists will hire 1500 Bolingbrook residents as “supplemental memory storage units.” 

According to one source:  “They believe humans don’t use most of their brains, but that’s not true.

Claar says the invasion is a violation of Interstellar Law and the proposed base is in violation of several village building codes.

“The rule of law still applies in Bolingbrook because I made most of the rules!” said Claar.  

Claar announced that he planned on suing the Martian Colonies in Interstellar Court.  He also promised that any attack against Clow would be resisted:

“Clow can withstand a colonial attack 60 times longer than the average UFO base on Earth can.”

“The average UFO Base can last one-second against a colonial attack,” added Lawler.  “We can last one minute.”

“Which is longer than you’ll last if you don’t shut up!” snapped Claar.

A spokesperson for the Martian Colonies said their claim to Earth predates homo sapiens and therefore they are under no obligation to follow humanity’s laws.

When reached for comment, a receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said: “You are the first candidate for village manager who doesn’t want to sell the Golf Club.”

“Yes.  I think we should give it to the Bolingbrook Park District instead. A village government has no business running—”

“Next!”

Also in the Babbler:

Russia finally hits Bolingbrook with a snow attack
Residents warned to check attics for mold monsters
Werecoyotees canvass for Republican candidates in Chicago
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/21/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own and may not reflect the views of any organizations I am involved with, nor my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Web Exclusive: Aliens blamed for Iowa Democratic Caucus catastrophe (Fiction)

 

By Reporter X

Officials at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base confirmed that they are investigating possible alien interference in the Iowa Democratic Caucus. 

”We are cooperating with Tigerhawk UFO Base to determine if any of our visitors played a role in this catastrophic electoral failure, ” said an anonymous official. 

According to many sources, a high ranking member reported having an ”unearthly” encounter one week before the caucus:

”I saw a bright light descend from the heavens and land in front of me. A being emerged and floated towards me. I couldn’t really see it because the light was too bright. It handed me a flash drive and said it contained an app we could use to organize caucus sites and report the results to our headquarters. I thought it was an angel. So I took the hard drive and installed it on our servers. I didn’t test it because anything made by God is perfect, right?”

After the app failed to work, the official conceded that he might have really spoken to a demon. 

Anonymous officials at Clow expect to conclude their investigation within a week:

“Every craft that came any where near Iowa is grounded. We are questioning their crews and no one is leaving until we get an answer.”

A spokeswoman for the Iowa Democratic Party refused to answer questions:

“(Expletives deleted)!  We are going to post the results this afternoon!  There is a paper record from every caucus site in the state!  Nothing was lost. All you people do is complain. (Expletives deleted)  Why does Joe Biden in such a hurry to know that he came in last?  (Expletive deleted)! You didn’t hear me say that.”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Pro-Yang UFO collides with Pro-Sanders UFO over Palatine (Fiction)

By Reporter X

A dogfight between a UFO with a Bernie Sanders for President sign, and a UFO with an Andrew Yang sign, ended in a midair collision over Palatine.

“I heard a loud boom,” said Paige, an eyewitness who asked that we not use her last name. I looked up and saw two burning flying saucers plummeting towards Long Grove.”  She later added, “I knew the Democratic primary was contested, but I didn’t realize it was this bad.”

David from Long Grove claims he was one of the first people at the crash site:

“It was horrible.  Two aliens were hitting each other with computer tablets.  One said Earth needed a revolution.  The other said Earth needed a mathematical evolution and a dividend.  Other aliens were gravely injured but crawling towards each other.  They were going to fight to the death over Bernie and Andrew.  How horrible! I think I’m going to vote for Elizabeth Warren or Joe Biden.  I still can’t decide.”

Sheila Z. Blake, a spokesperson for the Palatine Police Department and Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base, confirmed the incident and that both crews have been arrested:

“Unlike (Bolingbrook’s) Clow UFO Base, we do not tolerate our visitors displaying political ads.  We believe that aliens, and Russians, should not be involved in our political process.”

Blake explained that both crews were being treated for injuries, but were expected to make a full recovery.  She also added that both UFOs were destined for Iowa, but spotted each other over Schaumburg: 

“The captains of each ship started insulting each other.  Traffic Control instructed them to return to Clow controlled air space, but they didn’t listen.  Instead, they started shooting at each other.”

Blake added that the social media team for Sherman UFO Base was able to pass off the crash as one of the many “mysterious booms” residents of northeast Palatine report to the police.

“Most of the time, they’re just UFOs launching whose crews forgot to activate their silencers.  This time was more serious and could have created a major security breach.  Let us make this clear:  Politics and UFOs do not mix in Palatine.”

Palatine Mayor Jim Schwantz laughed when asked about the crash:

“Where do you come up with these stories?  All I have to say is that our State of the Village Address is on February 19.  It’s free, unlike the one at a certain village we both know.”

Yang denied his campaign buys ads on UFOs:

“You know, with my Freedom Dividend, more people will have time to read your silly articles, and donate to SETI@Home.”

Sanders didn’t deny buying UFO display ads:

“That’s nice.  We need all the help we can get.  Biden has the 1 percent on his side.  Trump has the Russians on his side.  If the aliens want to display my signs, so be it.  Now stop calling me!”

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said: “Okay, Michael.  When I step down in May, the mayor’s job will be part-time, and my village manager will make most of the decisions for you.  Your job is to attend ribbon cuttings and defeat Bolingbrook United in the next election.  Any questions?”

“The office will still have a bar, right?”

“I’m taking the bar with me.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re not me, that’s why!”

Also in the Babbler:

Interstellar Commonwealth announces audit of Earth’s covert societies and governments
Bolingbrook police officer kills mold monster
Sources: Trump will announce the cancelation of the US election at Bolingbrook Golf Club
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/5/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2020! (Fiction)

Once again, it’s time for our council of psychics to prepare our readers for shocking events that will happen in the new year.

Will County Board Member Rachel Ventura

Will Rachel Ventura upset Rep. Bill Foster and become the next AOC in 2020?

Our psychics did an excellent job of predicting 2019.  We predicted Trump’s impeachment while others thought the Democrats lacked the courage to impeach him.  The Edgar County Watchdogs didn’t hold a tent revival, but Supervisor Bill Mayer did resign in 2019, fulfilling one of their demands.  Representative Sean Casten did perform a concert in 2019.

However, Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler didn’t resign, and the village didn’t file for bankruptcy.  The future, however, is unclear and constantly changing.  For all we know, our psychic’s predictions might have prevented these events from happening.  We may never know.

With that in mind, it’s time to see what the year 2020 has in store for us.

***

Former Vice-president Joe Biden will be served a subpoena to testify at Trump’s impeachment trial.  He will be served the summons during a campaign speech, then immediately arrested by Secret Service Agents.

“You didn’t give me a chance to say yes!” Biden will say to the agents.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell will tell the press, “If I have to hear uncomfortable questions about our President, then I should be able to ask Joe uncomfortable questions too.”

The trial will end with a Trump acquittal and Republican talking heads proclaiming that Biden showed “contempt towards Congress.”  

Biden will reply: “Yeah, I have contempt for the members of the Senate for dragging my son and me into this trial.  That doesn’t mean I have contempt for the institution of Congress.  Even my old schoolmate Quaker Ottis could tell the difference, and he wasn’t a bright guy.”

The mainstream media will give “both sides” equal time, even though the Senate will never formally charge Biden with any crime.  Confused voters will turn away from Biden, ending his political career.

***

Mayor Roger Claar will formally announce his retirement and the start of his “farewell tour” during his State of the Village Address.  Many in the audience will be filled with tears as he will talk about his 34 years in office.  

Near the end of the speech, he’ll announce that he will repeal the village’s property tax.  He’ll receive a standing ovation and lots of praise on the Bolingbrook Politics Facebook group.  

However, few will notice that he will actually change the name of the property tax to “Mandatory Village Services Fee.”  Fewer will notice that the new fee will be higher than the old property tax rate.  That will not stop Trustee Michael Carpanzano from promoting Bolingbrook as a “property-tax free village.”

***

There will be several twists and turns before the Iowa Caucuses start.  

The Russians will leak a video of Sen. Amy Klobuchar saying, “I hate Iowa’s football teams.  The Hawkeyes blow and the Cyclones suck.  You know me:  Gopher fan for life!”

When asked about the video during a press conference, Klobuchar will grab a staffer by the ear and say, “Why didn’t you tell me about this video?  Don’t give me that face, or I’ll really make it hurt!”

Billionaires will flood Iowa City and Ames with ads endorsing Sen. Elizabeth Warren thus destroying her credibility with progressive activists.

On caucus night, Sen. Bernie Sanders and Andrew Yang will be tied for first place.  There will be reports of clashes between Yang and Sanders supporters.  This will be highlighted during Yang’s victory speech when a Sanders supporter will throw a chair at Yang.

“Any process that doesn’t make Bernie President is rigged!” the Bernie supporter will yell.

***

Rep. Bill Foster will lose his primary battle to Rachel Ventura, sending shockwaves around the country.  During her victory speech, she will announce her write-in candidacy against Sen. Dick Durbin.

“I have to get to Washington one way or another,” Ventura will say.  “You can’t expect me to sit on the county board while the Earth is burning.”

Mayor Claar will announce the  Roger Claar Mayoral Library, which will be built on the site of Bolingbrook Commons.  Most residents will be happy with the announcement, but some will express concern about the 900-foot statue of Claar that will be built on the site.

“Roger has always cast a shadow over Bolingbrook,” Carpanzano, head of the Roger Claar Mayoral Library Foundation, will say.  “We just want future generations to see that shadow.”

The Village Board will approve the permits for the statue.  Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz will cast the only no vote and be attacked on the Bolingbrook Politics Facebook group.

***

The Bolingbrook Independance (sic) Party will return, led by Bonnie Kurowski-Alicea.  Kurowski-Alicea, who ran for mayor as a write-in candidate in 2009, will run on a platform that calls for banning homeowners associations and abolishing property taxes.

“Roger’s thugs tried to destroy me.  They slandered me in Village Hall.  They forced me to move to Florida.  They thought they could humiliate me in Trademark Court.  They were wrong.  I’m back in Bolingbrook, where I belong, and I’m ready to retake the office that was rightfully mine.  The band is back together, and we’re ready to take on Bolingbrook United, and the First Party for Bolingbrook.  The corrupt will be caged when I’m mayor.”

Days later, former trustee Rick Morales will announce his candidacy for mayor as a member of the Bolingbrook First Party.  Though it would mean a primary challenge against former DuPage Township Trustee Bill Mayer, Morales will say he has no choice but to run:

“Bonnie trashed me for years, and Roger always prevented me from saying what I really feel.  Now Roger won’t be holding me back.  I’m going to reclaim the Bolingbrook First party, and then I’m going to answer all of Bonnie’s false claims.  When I’m done with her, I’ll wipe out Bolingbrook United and show the First Party for Bolingbrook that it’s my turn to be mayor!”

***

After the Presidential election, President Trump and Vladimir Putin will announce a joint US-Russian invasion of Ukraine.  Days after the country falls, both leaders will announce that they “discovered” documents that prove Ukraine interfered in the 2020 election.

Trump will tweet: “The do-nothing Democrats just ruined our country’s perfect election.  So I’m doing something about it!  #Qanontime”

Trump will then order the arrest of President-elect Andrew Yang.  Yang will announce that he has set up a “second White House” and is prepared to run the country from there if necessary.

He will post: “Hey, anyone with half a brain should have expected Trump to try something like this.  Trump probably didn’t expect this:  Any member of the US Armed Forces who stands with me during this crisis will get a Freedom Dividend of $2000 instead of $1000.  #Math”

The year will end with Russian “peacekeepers” heading towards the United States, the military divided, and Claar screaming: “All I wanted to do was retire, and write my memoir!  Now I have to deal with a civil war.  Why did I ever endorse Trump?  Don’t quote me!”

Also in the Babbler:

Happy New Year from the staff of the Babbler
Mayor Claar to claim all of unincorporated Will County to stop legal cannabis sales
Wereskunks urge residents to leave out extra garbage this week
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/1/20