UFO crew surrenders to Pete Buttigieg (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Former Presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg meets with a crew of alien supporters.

After attacking UFOs displaying ads for Joe Biden and Elizabeth Warren, a UFO crew loyal to Pete Buttigieg surrendered after meeting with him. 

“The alien crew didn’t believe the reports of Pete suspending his campaign,” said Sheila Z. Blake, a spokesperson for the Palatine Police Department and Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base.  “Thanks to Pete, we were able to bring this unfortunate situation to a peaceful end.”

The craft started its attacks Sunday evening.  Interceptors from all three of Chicagoland’s UFO bases attacked the craft.

An interceptor pilot, who asked not to be identified, described the aliens as fanatics:

“They kept saying that Pete’s confession speech was ‘deep fake’ created by the Russians to fool Americans into electing Joe Biden.  They thought if Biden gets the nomination, then Trump would win the election.  I said the polls show that all the Democratic candidates beat Trump.  Plus Pete’s withdrawal might mean no candidate gets a majority of delegates.  The commander accused me of being fake news and tried to destroy me.  I never thought of Pete as having fanatical followers.  Let alone alien fanatical followers.”

After a long aerial dogfight, Sherman UFO Base told the crew that Pete Buttigieg wanted to meet them.  The crew agreed to land at Sherman UFO Base.  Interceptors from Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base at first kept attacking the craft but were eventually recalled.  According to sources inside Clow, Mayor Roger Claar choose to recall the fighters because he did not want to risk “dragging Bolingbrook into a protracted Democratic delegate fight.”

When the craft landed, Buttigieg entered the craft and let the crew scan him.  Once they confirmed his identity, Buttigieg told that he really did suspend his campaign and he did not approve of their “terrorism.”

“But,” said the commander, “How could you stop fighting?  You convinced us to dedicate ourselves to find the progressive middle.  You said that we must change the ways of your Washington DC, but not go down the path of Bernie Sanders.  You said Joe Biden was the path of failure.”

“Yeah, I said a lot of things during the election,” replied Buttigieg.  “But the fact is I can’t win, and Joe offered me a really good deal.”

“You made a deal?”

“Yes.  If Joe is elected, I will become the ambassador to the Interstellar Commonwealth.  Remember, the path of moderation requires compromise.  An unwillingness to compromise leads you down the path of Bernie Sanders.”

“We understand!  We surrender!  Please forgive us.”

Buttigieg forgave them but said they had to serve time for what they did.

The crew is currently in the custody of the New World Order, pending extradition to their home planet.

The Buttigieg campaign said they will donate their UFO ad spaces to the Biden campaign.

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar actives emergency command center at the Bolingbrook Golf Club
Minnesota talking land squids reported canvassing for Sanders
Bolingbrook tests ‘quarantine drones’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/4/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own and may not reflect the views of any organizations I work for or my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Martian Colonial marines seize former Old Chicago site (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The Martian Colonies launched a surprise invasion of Bolingbrook and seized the former site of the Old Chicago mall.

 During a press conference with the members of the interstellar media, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claa said: 

“Residents should stay calm. I hope I can talk some sense into leaders of the Martian Colonies so they will get the (expletive deleted) out of my village.”

Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler added: “As the universe knows, we have no effective defense against a colonial attack.  If they wanted us dead, we would be dead, because their weapons are at least 10,000 years more advanced than ours.  Hopefully we can resolve this before President Trump sends Space Force soldiers to be massacred.”

“Your crisis management skills suck,” Claar grumbled.

The Martian Colonial government released a statement denying that they had invaded Bolingbrook.  According to the report, the marines are part of a “peacekeeping mission.”

Part of the statement reads: “We are very concerned about the deteriorating political situation on Earth.  Earth’s collapsing ecosystem and humanity’s meme epidemic is stressing their governmental units to the breaking point.  Even the so-called United States, a government with nuclear weapons, is descending into lawlessness and corruption.  While we have not always agreed with the primitive policies of the Interstellar Commonwealth, we do not want to see any of its members endangered while visiting our solar system.  Our mission is to protect our alien visitors from the primitive natives of Earth.”

An employee at Cox Automotive, which owned the site prior to the invasion, claims he was present when the marines landed:

“A few minutes after I arrived at work, I was surrounded by armed aliens.  Their leader said that  they could have killed me and Roger wouldn’t be able to do anything about it.  Then he—I think it was a he—said that they were here on a peace mission, and that they were going to give me ‘special paper’ for the site.  Then several large crates appeared.  I looked inside, and saw they were full of dollar bills.  They looked real, so I agreed to give them the site.  Turns out, they paid $50.5 million.  Have you ever tried to deposit $50.5 million in cash?”

Sources connected to both Clow UFO Base and the Martian Colonies say the Colonists will build a 100 foot high “peacekeeping compound” on the site.  Troops stationed at the base will “protect” all aliens visiting Clow UFO Base, Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base, and Peotone UFO Base. The colonists will hire 1500 Bolingbrook residents as “supplemental memory storage units.” 

According to one source:  “They believe humans don’t use most of their brains, but that’s not true.

Claar says the invasion is a violation of Interstellar Law and the proposed base is in violation of several village building codes.

“The rule of law still applies in Bolingbrook because I made most of the rules!” said Claar.  

Claar announced that he planned on suing the Martian Colonies in Interstellar Court.  He also promised that any attack against Clow would be resisted:

“Clow can withstand a colonial attack 60 times longer than the average UFO base on Earth can.”

“The average UFO Base can last one-second against a colonial attack,” added Lawler.  “We can last one minute.”

“Which is longer than you’ll last if you don’t shut up!” snapped Claar.

A spokesperson for the Martian Colonies said their claim to Earth predates homo sapiens and therefore they are under no obligation to follow humanity’s laws.

When reached for comment, a receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said: “You are the first candidate for village manager who doesn’t want to sell the Golf Club.”

“Yes.  I think we should give it to the Bolingbrook Park District instead. A village government has no business running—”

“Next!”

Also in the Babbler:

Russia finally hits Bolingbrook with a snow attack
Residents warned to check attics for mold monsters
Werecoyotees canvass for Republican candidates in Chicago
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/21/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own and may not reflect the views of any organizations I am involved with, nor my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Web Exclusive: Aliens blamed for Iowa Democratic Caucus catastrophe (Fiction)

 

By Reporter X

Officials at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base confirmed that they are investigating possible alien interference in the Iowa Democratic Caucus. 

”We are cooperating with Tigerhawk UFO Base to determine if any of our visitors played a role in this catastrophic electoral failure, ” said an anonymous official. 

According to many sources, a high ranking member reported having an ”unearthly” encounter one week before the caucus:

”I saw a bright light descend from the heavens and land in front of me. A being emerged and floated towards me. I couldn’t really see it because the light was too bright. It handed me a flash drive and said it contained an app we could use to organize caucus sites and report the results to our headquarters. I thought it was an angel. So I took the hard drive and installed it on our servers. I didn’t test it because anything made by God is perfect, right?”

After the app failed to work, the official conceded that he might have really spoken to a demon. 

Anonymous officials at Clow expect to conclude their investigation within a week:

“Every craft that came any where near Iowa is grounded. We are questioning their crews and no one is leaving until we get an answer.”

A spokeswoman for the Iowa Democratic Party refused to answer questions:

“(Expletives deleted)!  We are going to post the results this afternoon!  There is a paper record from every caucus site in the state!  Nothing was lost. All you people do is complain. (Expletives deleted)  Why does Joe Biden in such a hurry to know that he came in last?  (Expletive deleted)! You didn’t hear me say that.”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Pro-Yang UFO collides with Pro-Sanders UFO over Palatine (Fiction)

By Reporter X

A dogfight between a UFO with a Bernie Sanders for President sign, and a UFO with an Andrew Yang sign, ended in a midair collision over Palatine.

“I heard a loud boom,” said Paige, an eyewitness who asked that we not use her last name. I looked up and saw two burning flying saucers plummeting towards Long Grove.”  She later added, “I knew the Democratic primary was contested, but I didn’t realize it was this bad.”

David from Long Grove claims he was one of the first people at the crash site:

“It was horrible.  Two aliens were hitting each other with computer tablets.  One said Earth needed a revolution.  The other said Earth needed a mathematical evolution and a dividend.  Other aliens were gravely injured but crawling towards each other.  They were going to fight to the death over Bernie and Andrew.  How horrible! I think I’m going to vote for Elizabeth Warren or Joe Biden.  I still can’t decide.”

Sheila Z. Blake, a spokesperson for the Palatine Police Department and Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base, confirmed the incident and that both crews have been arrested:

“Unlike (Bolingbrook’s) Clow UFO Base, we do not tolerate our visitors displaying political ads.  We believe that aliens, and Russians, should not be involved in our political process.”

Blake explained that both crews were being treated for injuries, but were expected to make a full recovery.  She also added that both UFOs were destined for Iowa, but spotted each other over Schaumburg: 

“The captains of each ship started insulting each other.  Traffic Control instructed them to return to Clow controlled air space, but they didn’t listen.  Instead, they started shooting at each other.”

Blake added that the social media team for Sherman UFO Base was able to pass off the crash as one of the many “mysterious booms” residents of northeast Palatine report to the police.

“Most of the time, they’re just UFOs launching whose crews forgot to activate their silencers.  This time was more serious and could have created a major security breach.  Let us make this clear:  Politics and UFOs do not mix in Palatine.”

Palatine Mayor Jim Schwantz laughed when asked about the crash:

“Where do you come up with these stories?  All I have to say is that our State of the Village Address is on February 19.  It’s free, unlike the one at a certain village we both know.”

Yang denied his campaign buys ads on UFOs:

“You know, with my Freedom Dividend, more people will have time to read your silly articles, and donate to SETI@Home.”

Sanders didn’t deny buying UFO display ads:

“That’s nice.  We need all the help we can get.  Biden has the 1 percent on his side.  Trump has the Russians on his side.  If the aliens want to display my signs, so be it.  Now stop calling me!”

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said: “Okay, Michael.  When I step down in May, the mayor’s job will be part-time, and my village manager will make most of the decisions for you.  Your job is to attend ribbon cuttings and defeat Bolingbrook United in the next election.  Any questions?”

“The office will still have a bar, right?”

“I’m taking the bar with me.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re not me, that’s why!”

Also in the Babbler:

Interstellar Commonwealth announces audit of Earth’s covert societies and governments
Bolingbrook police officer kills mold monster
Sources: Trump will announce the cancelation of the US election at Bolingbrook Golf Club
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/5/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2020! (Fiction)

Once again, it’s time for our council of psychics to prepare our readers for shocking events that will happen in the new year.

Will County Board Member Rachel Ventura

Will Rachel Ventura upset Rep. Bill Foster and become the next AOC in 2020?

Our psychics did an excellent job of predicting 2019.  We predicted Trump’s impeachment while others thought the Democrats lacked the courage to impeach him.  The Edgar County Watchdogs didn’t hold a tent revival, but Supervisor Bill Mayer did resign in 2019, fulfilling one of their demands.  Representative Sean Casten did perform a concert in 2019.

However, Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler didn’t resign, and the village didn’t file for bankruptcy.  The future, however, is unclear and constantly changing.  For all we know, our psychic’s predictions might have prevented these events from happening.  We may never know.

With that in mind, it’s time to see what the year 2020 has in store for us.

***

Former Vice-president Joe Biden will be served a subpoena to testify at Trump’s impeachment trial.  He will be served the summons during a campaign speech, then immediately arrested by Secret Service Agents.

“You didn’t give me a chance to say yes!” Biden will say to the agents.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell will tell the press, “If I have to hear uncomfortable questions about our President, then I should be able to ask Joe uncomfortable questions too.”

The trial will end with a Trump acquittal and Republican talking heads proclaiming that Biden showed “contempt towards Congress.”  

Biden will reply: “Yeah, I have contempt for the members of the Senate for dragging my son and me into this trial.  That doesn’t mean I have contempt for the institution of Congress.  Even my old schoolmate Quaker Ottis could tell the difference, and he wasn’t a bright guy.”

The mainstream media will give “both sides” equal time, even though the Senate will never formally charge Biden with any crime.  Confused voters will turn away from Biden, ending his political career.

***

Mayor Roger Claar will formally announce his retirement and the start of his “farewell tour” during his State of the Village Address.  Many in the audience will be filled with tears as he will talk about his 34 years in office.  

Near the end of the speech, he’ll announce that he will repeal the village’s property tax.  He’ll receive a standing ovation and lots of praise on the Bolingbrook Politics Facebook group.  

However, few will notice that he will actually change the name of the property tax to “Mandatory Village Services Fee.”  Fewer will notice that the new fee will be higher than the old property tax rate.  That will not stop Trustee Michael Carpanzano from promoting Bolingbrook as a “property-tax free village.”

***

There will be several twists and turns before the Iowa Caucuses start.  

The Russians will leak a video of Sen. Amy Klobuchar saying, “I hate Iowa’s football teams.  The Hawkeyes blow and the Cyclones suck.  You know me:  Gopher fan for life!”

When asked about the video during a press conference, Klobuchar will grab a staffer by the ear and say, “Why didn’t you tell me about this video?  Don’t give me that face, or I’ll really make it hurt!”

Billionaires will flood Iowa City and Ames with ads endorsing Sen. Elizabeth Warren thus destroying her credibility with progressive activists.

On caucus night, Sen. Bernie Sanders and Andrew Yang will be tied for first place.  There will be reports of clashes between Yang and Sanders supporters.  This will be highlighted during Yang’s victory speech when a Sanders supporter will throw a chair at Yang.

“Any process that doesn’t make Bernie President is rigged!” the Bernie supporter will yell.

***

Rep. Bill Foster will lose his primary battle to Rachel Ventura, sending shockwaves around the country.  During her victory speech, she will announce her write-in candidacy against Sen. Dick Durbin.

“I have to get to Washington one way or another,” Ventura will say.  “You can’t expect me to sit on the county board while the Earth is burning.”

Mayor Claar will announce the  Roger Claar Mayoral Library, which will be built on the site of Bolingbrook Commons.  Most residents will be happy with the announcement, but some will express concern about the 900-foot statue of Claar that will be built on the site.

“Roger has always cast a shadow over Bolingbrook,” Carpanzano, head of the Roger Claar Mayoral Library Foundation, will say.  “We just want future generations to see that shadow.”

The Village Board will approve the permits for the statue.  Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz will cast the only no vote and be attacked on the Bolingbrook Politics Facebook group.

***

The Bolingbrook Independance (sic) Party will return, led by Bonnie Kurowski-Alicea.  Kurowski-Alicea, who ran for mayor as a write-in candidate in 2009, will run on a platform that calls for banning homeowners associations and abolishing property taxes.

“Roger’s thugs tried to destroy me.  They slandered me in Village Hall.  They forced me to move to Florida.  They thought they could humiliate me in Trademark Court.  They were wrong.  I’m back in Bolingbrook, where I belong, and I’m ready to retake the office that was rightfully mine.  The band is back together, and we’re ready to take on Bolingbrook United, and the First Party for Bolingbrook.  The corrupt will be caged when I’m mayor.”

Days later, former trustee Rick Morales will announce his candidacy for mayor as a member of the Bolingbrook First Party.  Though it would mean a primary challenge against former DuPage Township Trustee Bill Mayer, Morales will say he has no choice but to run:

“Bonnie trashed me for years, and Roger always prevented me from saying what I really feel.  Now Roger won’t be holding me back.  I’m going to reclaim the Bolingbrook First party, and then I’m going to answer all of Bonnie’s false claims.  When I’m done with her, I’ll wipe out Bolingbrook United and show the First Party for Bolingbrook that it’s my turn to be mayor!”

***

After the Presidential election, President Trump and Vladimir Putin will announce a joint US-Russian invasion of Ukraine.  Days after the country falls, both leaders will announce that they “discovered” documents that prove Ukraine interfered in the 2020 election.

Trump will tweet: “The do-nothing Democrats just ruined our country’s perfect election.  So I’m doing something about it!  #Qanontime”

Trump will then order the arrest of President-elect Andrew Yang.  Yang will announce that he has set up a “second White House” and is prepared to run the country from there if necessary.

He will post: “Hey, anyone with half a brain should have expected Trump to try something like this.  Trump probably didn’t expect this:  Any member of the US Armed Forces who stands with me during this crisis will get a Freedom Dividend of $2000 instead of $1000.  #Math”

The year will end with Russian “peacekeepers” heading towards the United States, the military divided, and Claar screaming: “All I wanted to do was retire, and write my memoir!  Now I have to deal with a civil war.  Why did I ever endorse Trump?  Don’t quote me!”

Also in the Babbler:

Happy New Year from the staff of the Babbler
Mayor Claar to claim all of unincorporated Will County to stop legal cannabis sales
Wereskunks urge residents to leave out extra garbage this week
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/1/20

Clow UFO Base MMA Match between Mayor Claar and former V.P. Joe Biden ends in draw (Fiction)

By Reporter X

An impromptu mixed martial arts match between Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar and Vice-President Joe Biden ended in a draw.

“I know I saw it,” said Zoydois, who asked that her planet not be identified.  “I just cannot grok what I saw.”

According to eyewitnesses, Biden was at Clow UFO Base for a fundraiser hosted on his behalf by some members of the so-called One Percent.  Claar accosted Biden and demanded to know how he gained access to Clow.  Biden replied that he was invited and simply walked in.

“You’re a member of the New World Order,” snapped Claar.  “Members of the New World Order need authorization from Illinois Master Councilor and myself.”

“I’m also a member of the Illuminati.”

“What?”

“Yeah.  I joined the New World Order when they broke off from the Illuminati, but I also kept paying my membership dues to the Illuminati.  So, I have just as much right to be here as you do.”

“How’s that possible?”

“I like working with both secret societies, just like I working with Republicans as well as Democrats.  That’s why I’m leading in the polls!  —Which is why we’re going to be working together once Trump is removed from office.”

“Like hell we are!”

The two argued for several minutes.  Claar was insisting that dual membership was impossible, and Biden was insisting that “Pop Tart” gave him permission.  

Finally, Claar had enough: “Let me spell it out for you.  We.  Do.  Not.  Like.  You!  We want to destroy you and your Democrat party—”

“Democratic—”

“I am Bolingbrook!  In Bolingbrook, its Democrat Party and (Hunter Biden) is corrupt.”

He is not corrupt and if you weren’t so beholden to your (expletive deleted) for brains President—”

“Nobody calls The Donald—”

“(expletive deleted) for brains President—”

“That does it, old man!  We’re stepping into the ring!”

“You’re the one sounding like an old man!  Young people fight in the octagonal—”

“Octagon!” 

“Call it what you want, Roger.  I’ll kick your ass in it!”

Despite frantic pleading from their advisors, both men geared up and entered an Octagon in one of Clow’s gymnasiums.  

“Bipartisan means doing everything Republicans want,” said Claar.  “So, if you want to be bipartisan, you’ll let me smash your face!”

“Bipartisanship means keeping radical Democrats in check.  You’ll understand once I beat the Trump out of you!”

When the bell rang, both men charged at each other.  Each was throwing wild punches and unbalanced kicks at the other.  After several seconds, both men ended up grappling on the ground.

“What kind of name is Hunter?” asked Claar.

“What kind of person names their child after a stoner rocker?”

“Her name isn’t Lindley!”

“I said her real name!”

“No, you didn’t!  Are you losing your mind?”

“When I get my hands free, I’ll sunset you!”

The referee separated the two men and told them to stand up.  Both were too exhausted to stand up.  The referee called the match a draw and allowed medical teams to treat them.

“They didn’t do any permeant harm to each other,” said Dr. Susan Alberts.  “They just needed fluids and skin sealer to get back to normal.”

Surrogates for both sides tried to spin the results of the fight:

“God spared Roger from serious harm,” said Trustee Sheldon Watts.  “That means if you want to be good with Jesus, you need to be good with Roger.”

Julia Z. Pinsker offered her talking point:  “The Democrats need a Presidential Nominee that will not only appeal to African Americans, and conservative whites, they need a nominee who is willing to fight.  Joe Biden today proved that he is willing to fight anyone, including Trump mayors and clueless retired farmers!”

Also in the Babbler:

Edgar County Watchdogs request FOIA transcripts from DuPage Township Trustee’s bathroom chats
Atheist Alliance International leader denies inappropriately touching an angel
Bolingbrook’s Alien Raiders win Solar System Football Championship
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/10/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group

Mayor Claar tells Congressional committee that Trump wanted him to investigate Biden family (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar admitted before the House Appropriations Sub-subcommittee on Nail and Thumbtack Spending that President Trump asked him to investigate the Biden family.

“He said he was willing to spare Clow UFO Base,” Claar reluctantly said, “in exchange for dirt on Joe Biden.”  Claar quickly added: “I never told the President that I would tell a big lie for him.”

“Did you mention the possibility of small lies?” – asked Representative Brad Schneider.

“I’ll take the fifth with some Jack with a coke,” replied Claar.

The sub-subcommittee, which oversees all US Government UFO spending and Interstellar policy, subpoenaed Claar as part of its impeachment investigation into Donald Trump.  Claar replied that the President told him not to honor the subpoena because “his Supreme Court was going to declare Congress unconstitutional”. Claar then added that because he had a book deal with an interstellar publisher, he also had “Book Deal Immunity.”

“Book Deal immunity applies to self-published books as well as traditionally published books.  Testifying before the committee will deny me the opportunity to pursue happiness, which is unconstitutional.  The government does not have the right to compel spoilers!”

The members of the Sub-subcommittee flew to Clow UFO Base and booked a meeting room.  A Martian Colonial battleship then beamed Claar from his office at Village Hall.

Beth, who asked that we not use her last name, saw Claar as he was being abducted:

“He flipped off the space craft and said: ‘I’ll talk, but you won’t like what I have to say.’  He was not in a good mood.”

Once in the meeting room, Claar refused to be sworn in, and made several unprintable comments about the “Democrat Party Impeachment Witch Hunt.” When threatened with imprisonment by one Phobos, Claar laughed.  After the Martian Colonial Ambassador walked into the room, Claar stopped laughing and agreed to be sworn in. 

During the two hour hearing, Claar testified that Trump asked him 10 times for information on the Bidens.  Trump, according to Claar, explicitly threatened to cut off Clow funding if he did not conduct a favorable investigation.  Claar went on to say that Trump dropped his demands once the impeachment investigation started:

“He failed to commit a crime, therefore it’s not a crime, and this hearing is illegitimate.  Can I go back to work?”

Rep. Sean Casten asked Claar what his investigation found.  Claar replied that the former Vice-president only visited Clow UFO Base once, and accidentally called it “Cow UFO Base.”

“He corrected himself, and it was kind of funny.  Other than that, we’re unfortunately not aware of him doing anything illegal.”

The Sub-subcommittee’s Republican members harshly questioned Claar:

“Did you hear Trump say he was going to take away your funding?” asked Rep. Mike Simpson.

“Yes.”

“So we can call your evidence ‘hearsay,’ don’t you agree?”

“I guess.”

“So what are you doing providing hearsay evidence to this committee?”

“You’re behind the curve, Congressman.  Our current talking point is that Trump did nothing wrong.”

“My apologies, Roger.”

Congresswoman Martha Roby accused Claar of being a “Never-Trump Republican” and pretending to be a Trump supporter for political gain.

“Don’t you think a real Trump supporter would be consulting Stephen Miller about their community’s demographic problem?”

File photo of Mayor Claar at a Prakash Utsav celebration in Bolingbrook.

Claar denounced Roby: “I was a Republican before you were even born, and I will be a Republican when I die.  The only thing I gained from Trump was a close election.  Look, every real Bolingbrook resident loves me and I use that love to promote the Republican party.  In fact, I’m so loved that our local Sikh community made me a Turban, and I’m honored to have that title!  I think I’m the first Republican Turban in Bolingbrook’s history!”

“Do you really—”

“Right now, the only thing I really care about is Trump staging a coup so we can get past this impeachment nonsense.”

After the hearing, Claar refused to comment to the press.

Schneider said Claar was helpful: “We suspected that Trump’s corruption extended to the stars, and Roger proved it.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook High School advances to the interplanetary football finals
Trustee Jaskiewicz accuses Claar of diverting funds to the wereskunks
Clow UFO Base will not change the name of its Holiday Concert
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/20/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Clow UFO Base reports record profits from UFO political ads (Fiction)

Enhanced photo of two UFOs with political display ads.

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar announced that Clow UFO Base sold the most political UFO display ads in its history.

Twitter is banning political ads,” said Claar, during a press conference with members of the interstellar media.  “We’re selling more political ads than ever.  So if you want to win your next election, don’t look to social media.  Look to the stars!”

According to Claar, most of this year’s spending came from liberal-leaning billionaires and “well-connected” Democratic campaigns.  Most of the advertising spending is aimed at influencing the Democratic Caucuses.  

“Just ask (Pete Buttigieg) and Tom Steyer.  Their covert committees liked the results of our ad buys, and love our reasonable prices!  You know, Michael Bloomberg just bought several ad slots.  Now I’m not a psychic, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he won Iowa because that’s how effective our ads are.”

Claar said a display ad on a UFO is very influential among rural voters.

“If an Iowa farmer sees your ad on a UFO, they’re going to assume that an advanced civilization supports your polices.  Once an Iowa farmer thinks that, no TV ad will persuade him that your candidate is inferior.  Aliens are the key to victory.”

Ads, however, do not mean that a UFO crew endorses a candidate.  Lodix, a botanist from Shedo Collective, says she puts ads on her UFO for the money:

“I can’t tell the difference between Sen. Elizabeth Warren and Representative Steve King.  But I do love the Interstellar Credits I get from running their ads.  Let’s face it, my job sampling Earth plants isn’t the most profitable career.  So I can use the extra credits.”

Lodix, however, does have some concerns about the ads:

“You shouldn’t decide your leaders based on an ad or meme.  You really should look at all of their positions.  Still, ads and memes can be infectious.  Look at the humans who think Hillary Clinton would have been just as corrupt at President Trump.  Trump is a universal example of corrupt leadership.  There’s no way Hillary could ever have lived up to his example, and more importantly, she didn’t want to.  That shows me the power of advertising and memes to influence humans.  Honestly, your species really (expletive deleted) up by selecting Trump.”

While most UFO Bases around the world ban political ads, Claar said he was proud that Clow allows them:  “We like to do things differently in Bolingbrook.”

Claar also defended allowing ads for candidates affiliated the New World Order, despite being a leader of the Illuminati himself:

“The Illuminati is dedicated to spreading chaos.  Nothing spreads chaos quite like attack political ads.  Just look at my community.  The local Democratic party is in chaos because Rachel Ventura is challenging (Representative Bill Foster).  Their infighting helps me as both a member of the Republican Party and as a member of the Illuminati.  Let them fight, and let me collect the money!  I mean let Clow collect the money.”

Claar wouldn’t confirm rumors that he’s been buying pro-Ventura UFO ads.

He did say that he expected the Trump campaign to devote “significant resources” to UFO advertising starting in the summer of 2020. 

When reached for comment, a member of Foster’s staff denied that Foster buys UFO display ads:

“UFOs are not alien spacecraft.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to find the Congressman because we just found out that he’s canvassing in the same subdivision as Rachel is and— Oh no!  We’re too late!”

In the background, a man who sounded like Foster said:  There are other ways to stop manmade climate change.”

A woman who sounded like Ventura replied:  “Only the Green New Deal can save us.”

“I’ll bet you don’t even know what the Green New Deal is.”

“I know exactly what it is.  It’s awesome!”

Also in the Babbler:

Claar denies latest Russian snow attack
Oswego player blames aliens for Raiders’ OT win
Society of Professional Journalists laughs at Alyssia Benford’s complaint against the Babbler
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/13/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Jeanne Ives to sponsor ‘Casten you to Hell’ house (Fiction)

Republican Congressional candidate Jeanne Ives will run a “Hell House” this month focused on Representative Sean Casten.

A picture of Rep. Sean Casten pointing towards the Gates of Hell.

Will the Ives campaign run a Rep. Sean Casten themed haunted house?

“Sean Casten scares us,” said Beth, a member of Ives’s campaign staff. “We think the voters in the Sixth Congressional District should be scared of the evil they unleashed upon Congress!”

Similar to the Hell House proposed by Representative Peter Roskam’s 2018 campaign, it will depict Casten as a “Socialist CEO Demon” working for succubus House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.The Hell House will open the week after before Halloween at a yet to be disclosed location in Wheaton.

Blake, a former Roskam operative who now works for Ives, has high hopes for this Hell House:

“If we had run this Hell House, Peter would still be in office. They weren’t scared enough of Sean, and that’s why Peter lost. Since Jeanne isn’t burdened with the “moderate” label, we’ll have more creative freedom with this house.”

Blake also added, “This time, I’m going to dress up as (Illinois House Speaker Michael Madigan). Peter vetoed that idea last time. Jeanne is all on board! We can’t scare people enough!”

Blake also says the Hell House will include:

  • Casten campaign volunteers “impeaching” residents for supporting President Donald Trump.
  • Republicans being crushed by a giant carbon foot.
  • Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez torturing residents into signing the Green New Deal.
  • Casten performing with a demon rock band.
  • Rep. Ilhan Omar forcing Christians to convert to Islam.
  • IL06 Republican candidate Jay Kinzler kneeling before an angelic Ives.

Beth denied that the Hell House would contribute to Ives’ reputation as an extreme conservative:

“The only thing that happens in the middle of the road is you get run over.We’re not going to win this by appeasing Democrats. We’re going to win this by moving the Overton Window so far to the right that the only acceptable viewpoints are between only voting for Trump and willing to start a civil war for Trump. When that happens, Sean will be seen as an extremist, and Ives will be seen as a reasonable God-loving American!”

A member of Casten’s campaign laughed at the idea of a Casten themed Hell House:The Republicans can call Sean names all they want. The residents of the Sixth District know the real Sean Casten because he campaigns in the district, holds Town Halls, and is very accessible. Unlike a certain former congressman—”

A woman then said: “You’re not talking to that weird suburban tabloid, are you?”

“Um, Thanks for reminding me that I need to get some petitions signed!”

A receptionist for the Ives campaign said she was meeting with representatives from the Illinois Policy Institute and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like Ives, said: “I will use my power as a Congresswoman to force Illinois into bankruptcy.”

“Yes!” yelled a man.

“Then I will split up Illinois among its neighboring states.”

“Oh yes!”

“I will then force Canada to take Chicago. The US will be rid of that corrupt city forever!”

The man moaned. “Oh Jeanne. You give good policy.”

Also in the Babbler:

Will County to increase UFO landing fees
Alien charged with robbing Bolingbrook Home Depot
Palatine UFO Base reports heavy traffic during the High Holidays
Trump considering ordering Mayor Claar to close Clow UFO Base

This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.

Web exclusive: Militant atheist David Silverman to run for Mayor of Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Sources tell the Babbler that former American Atheist president David Silverman will run for Bolingbrook mayor in 2021.

A possible web ad for David Silverman’s Mayoral campaign.

“He’s already forgiven himself for what happened in the past,” said one source.  “Now is the time to settle the lawsuits and move on.  Being Bolingbrook’s first openly atheist mayor will give  him the platform he deserves.”

According to the sources, Silverman will move to Bolingbrook in the spring of 2020.  Once he is established as a resident of Bolingbrook, he will then take over the Bolingbrook First Party from DuPage Township Trustee Maripat Oliver.

“Maripat ran a nice campaign,” said Jill, a volunteer for Bolingbrook First.  “But nice doesn’t beat (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar).”

According to Jill, Silverman plans to use his ties to rich atheists to rapidly raise funds for his campaign, and to recruit a slate of trustee candidates for Bolingbrook First.

Ben, a Bolingbrook resident and former member of American Atheists, believes Silverman has the “flexibility” to beat BClaar and Bolingbrook United’s mayoral candidate:

“Just look at his career.  He can go from being a guest on Fox News to being a guest at FtBCon to being a guest on Sargon of Akkad’s show.  He can go from liberal to conservative and back with ease.  He can say something to earn the support of every resident!”

Jill says Silverman’s campaign strategy will also focus on the tax-exempt status of religious organizations in Bolingbrook:

“He may live in Washington State, but he knows that everyone in Bolingbrook hates state and local taxes.  He also knows that residents hate it when people we don’t like get tax breaks.  He’s going to use that to his advantage.  He’ll get Christians worked up over Bolingbrook’s tax-free mosques.  Then he’ll get Muslims worked up over all the money-sucking Christian churches Bolingbrook has.  Residents will be so worked up, they won’t question his atheism.  Then once he’s elected, Illinois will have enacted a progressive income tax, and that will take care of most of Bolingbrook’s money problems.  He’ll lower property taxes a bit, and he’ll easily win reelection.  He’ll be untouchable!  Did I say that out loud?”

Ben also mentions that Silverman plans to use lots of billboards to get his message out:  “Roger’s people can take down signs, but they can’t take down a billboard!”

A volunteer for Silverman denied that he was planning to move to Bolingbrook.  He also added that Silverman was conducting an important interview, and couldn’t be disturbed.

In the background, a woman said: “Given the serious allegations against you, and your long history of litigation, why should we hire you?”

“Because I need money and you need publicity,” said a man who sounded like Silverman.

“Since no one else wants this job, you’re hired.”

When called, Claar answered the phone and said, “Rudy, I don’t have a UFO Base.  You can’t ask me for asylum because I can’t give it to you.  Oh, and don’t even think about moving to Bolingbrook.  My village is only big enough for one mayor.”

He then hung up the phone.

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.