Mayor Claar tells Congressional committee that Trump wanted him to investigate Biden family (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar admitted before the House Appropriations Sub-subcommittee on Nail and Thumbtack Spending that President Trump asked him to investigate the Biden family.

“He said he was willing to spare Clow UFO Base,” Claar reluctantly said, “in exchange for dirt on Joe Biden.”  Claar quickly added: “I never told the President that I would tell a big lie for him.”

“Did you mention the possibility of small lies?” – asked Representative Brad Schneider.

“I’ll take the fifth with some Jack with a coke,” replied Claar.

The sub-subcommittee, which oversees all US Government UFO spending and Interstellar policy, subpoenaed Claar as part of its impeachment investigation into Donald Trump.  Claar replied that the President told him not to honor the subpoena because “his Supreme Court was going to declare Congress unconstitutional”. Claar then added that because he had a book deal with an interstellar publisher, he also had “Book Deal Immunity.”

“Book Deal immunity applies to self-published books as well as traditionally published books.  Testifying before the committee will deny me the opportunity to pursue happiness, which is unconstitutional.  The government does not have the right to compel spoilers!”

The members of the Sub-subcommittee flew to Clow UFO Base and booked a meeting room.  A Martian Colonial battleship then beamed Claar from his office at Village Hall.

Beth, who asked that we not use her last name, saw Claar as he was being abducted:

“He flipped off the space craft and said: ‘I’ll talk, but you won’t like what I have to say.’  He was not in a good mood.”

Once in the meeting room, Claar refused to be sworn in, and made several unprintable comments about the “Democrat Party Impeachment Witch Hunt.” When threatened with imprisonment by one Phobos, Claar laughed.  After the Martian Colonial Ambassador walked into the room, Claar stopped laughing and agreed to be sworn in. 

During the two hour hearing, Claar testified that Trump asked him 10 times for information on the Bidens.  Trump, according to Claar, explicitly threatened to cut off Clow funding if he did not conduct a favorable investigation.  Claar went on to say that Trump dropped his demands once the impeachment investigation started:

“He failed to commit a crime, therefore it’s not a crime, and this hearing is illegitimate.  Can I go back to work?”

Rep. Sean Casten asked Claar what his investigation found.  Claar replied that the former Vice-president only visited Clow UFO Base once, and accidentally called it “Cow UFO Base.”

“He corrected himself, and it was kind of funny.  Other than that, we’re unfortunately not aware of him doing anything illegal.”

The Sub-subcommittee’s Republican members harshly questioned Claar:

“Did you hear Trump say he was going to take away your funding?” asked Rep. Mike Simpson.

“Yes.”

“So we can call your evidence ‘hearsay,’ don’t you agree?”

“I guess.”

“So what are you doing providing hearsay evidence to this committee?”

“You’re behind the curve, Congressman.  Our current talking point is that Trump did nothing wrong.”

“My apologies, Roger.”

Congresswoman Martha Roby accused Claar of being a “Never-Trump Republican” and pretending to be a Trump supporter for political gain.

“Don’t you think a real Trump supporter would be consulting Stephen Miller about their community’s demographic problem?”

File photo of Mayor Claar at a Prakash Utsav celebration in Bolingbrook.

Claar denounced Roby: “I was a Republican before you were even born, and I will be a Republican when I die.  The only thing I gained from Trump was a close election.  Look, every real Bolingbrook resident loves me and I use that love to promote the Republican party.  In fact, I’m so loved that our local Sikh community made me a Turban, and I’m honored to have that title!  I think I’m the first Republican Turban in Bolingbrook’s history!”

“Do you really—”

“Right now, the only thing I really care about is Trump staging a coup so we can get past this impeachment nonsense.”

After the hearing, Claar refused to comment to the press.

Schneider said Claar was helpful: “We suspected that Trump’s corruption extended to the stars, and Roger proved it.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook High School advances to the interplanetary football finals
Trustee Jaskiewicz accuses Claar of diverting funds to the wereskunks
Clow UFO Base will not change the name of its Holiday Concert
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/20/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Mayor Claar honors QAnon at Illuminati ceremony (Fiction)

(Content Notice: Mention of Jeffrey Epstein)

Bolingbrook Mayor honored controversial Illuminati propagandist QAnon at a secret ceremony at Bolingbrook Golf Club.

A red Q with "5:5" printed inside.

Qanon graphic

With QAnon standing behind him, Claar announced that to celebrate her promotion to the rank of religious cult leader, he was giving her: a trophy; unlimited drinks for life at Tailgaters; free dining for life at the Bolingbrook Golf Club; and $1000 worth of Ulta products. Claar also announced that he was ordering all of Bolingbrook’s covert agencies to recognize September as QAnon Month.

“She has done more to promote chaos in this country than any other operative,” said Claar.  “When the United States falls and Illinois is dissolved, future Bolingbrook residents will look back at QAnon’s first post as the event that led to their liberation.  Ford!”

After Claar performed the Sacred Glowing Orb Ceremony, QAnon thanked Claar for the honor, and then thanked Jeffrey Epstein for “taking me to the next level.”

QAnon then said, “Some of my followers were having doubts when my predictions weren’t coming true.  But I kept going because I knew that somewhere out there was a billionaire behaving badly.  They all behave badly because no one is going to stop them.  Jeffrey pulled through for me, big time.  Then he killed himself before his trial, which was even better for me.  Now people on the Left and Right are coming up with conspiracy theories to explain his death.  The truth is I had nothing to do with it, but boy am I going to reap the benefits from people who believe I predicted his death.  Honestly, I just believe in the power of human incompetence, and the ingenuity of billionaires who don’t want to face the consequences of their actions. Did you know that 1/3 of prison suicides occur when prisoners are on suicide watch?”

QAnon then looked down at the floor and said: “Hey Jeffrey, if you see my dad down there, tell him to go (expletive deleted) himself!”

QAnon then said while she was honored to be designated as a cult leader, she still has bigger plans:

“I love that video where the woman says: ‘Q is you.  Q is me.’  It makes me happy as can be.  It’s okay to laugh.  Anyway, I want to transform my cult into a major religion.  Some in the Illuminati say it’s impossible.  I say if I can persuade people to believe that Trump and (Robert Mueller) are working together, J.P. Morgan sunk the Titanic, everyone opposed to Trump is a pedophile, and that freedom means supporting a military coup, then I can become the next Jesus, Mohammad, or Buddha!”

After QAnon concluded her speech, Trustee Michael Carpanzano announced that he was selling QAnon products:

“We will ban the sale of marijuana in Bolingbrook, but we will never ban the sale of QAnon products.  Because I care!”

“That’s sweet,” replied QAnon.  “So I hope you don’t mind that my next post will say that you’re working with (Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz) to liberate Bolingbrook from Deep State Operatives Jaime Olson and Carol Penning, who are secretly controlling Roger.  Oh, I think I’ll add that Heart Haven Outreach is controlled by (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere).”

“That doesn’t make any sense!”

“Trust me.”

Also in the Babbler:

Clow security fires tear gas at pro-marijuana space aliens
Citizens for a Beautiful Bolingbrook promise not to throw politicians into dumpsters
Residents warned to watch out for extraterrestrial weeds
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/15/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Mike Gravel arrested at Clow UFO Base during the Interplanetary Democratic debate (Fiction)

By Reporter X

During the Interplanetary Democratic Presidential Primary Debate at Clow UFO Base, Mike Gravel became the first candidate to be arrested on stage.

“In this crowded field,” said Gravel, a former US Senator from Alaska,  “You have to make a splash.  Boy did I make one tonight.”

The incident occurred when Gravel, along with Mayor Wayne Messam, Joe Sestak, Rep. Seth Moulton, and Gov. Steve Bullock, were asked a question by Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar:

“Your unqualified surrogates are oppressing me by running for office.  I’ve done nothing wrong.  My foes think it’s wrong to accept donations from people who do business with the village and to endorse Donald Trump.  They’re wrong!  Not only are they wrong, but they’re forcing my party to campaign before the elections.  It is an insult to me, and a diversion of funds that I could have spent on dinners, cars or donations to other Republicans.  So my questions is this:  If elected, will you pay me reparations for all the suffering your party has caused me?”

All the candidates, except Gravel, offered nuanced views on slavery reparations.  Gravel chose to silently stare at Claar for several uncomfortable moments.  He then walked backstage and returned holding a large rock.  Gravel then walked up to the edge of the stage and dropped the rock into a tub of water.  The resulting splash nearly hit Mayor Claar.

“You may not be in Washington,” yelled Gravel.  “But you contribute to the problem of big money in politics too!”

Claar then ordered Gravel’s arrest.  As the Men in Blue approached, Gravel said, “As a presidential candidate, I have diplomatic immunity!”

“Revoked!” replied Claar.

As Gravel was dragged off the stage, he yelled, “Aliens wrote my platform!  Teenagers run my campaign!  You can take my freedom, but you can’t take away my message!”

“I don’t want it.”

Gravel supporters in the audience started chanting, “It’s about damn time!”  Which was Gravel’s slogan for his interstellar campaign in 2008.

Gravel was released after the debate

and given a warning by Claar.

“The Illuminati and New World Order are at war,” said Claar.  “Keeping Gravel in a holding cell would only make things worse.  Personally, I think he should join the Illuminati because he is an excellent agent of chaos.  Ford!”

Earlier in the debate, Gravel brushed aside attacks that he would be too polarizing as a President:  “I’m bipartisan.  I’ve run for President as both a Libertarian and as a Democrat.”

“You’re dangerous!” replied Moulton.  “You’re to the left of (House Speaker Nancy Pelosi)!  People like you are why the Republicans are calling us Socialist!  If I’m the nominee, the Republicans won’t call us names.”  

Gravel laughed.

“They’ll call you anything they want to, you spineless corporate Democrat.”

“No, because I’m willing to split my support between Democrats and Republicans like a true centrist should!”

“You are a living example of why Lawful Neutral is the worst alignment in D and D!”

All the candidates agreed to keep the presence of extraterrestrials on Earth a secret.

Sestak stated: “In 2013, 36 percent of Americans believed in UFOs.  Now over half of Americans believe in UFOs.  Trump is making matters worse by having the Navy openly talk about UFOs.  Not only is Trump alienating our allies, but he’s also alienating aliens!”

All the candidates disagreed when asked if they were hurting the Democratic Party by running for President instead of the Senate.

“If a spiritual advisor can run for President,” said Messam, “Then I can run for President.  I’ve won more elections than she has, and I live in a battleground state.  Let the voters decide.”

“If the voters decide against me,” stated Bullock,  “I’ll still have enough supporters to make a living by putting my name on ghostwritten books!”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook residents perform unsuccessful anti-rain dance
Hidden Lakes Monster captured in the DuPage River
Trustee Michael Carpanzano denies calling Jackie Traynere a space alien
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/4/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Residents, aliens and were-dogs enjoy Bolingbrook’s Pride and Puppies event (Mixed)

An alien meets with one of the Bolingbrook Pride volunteers.

Last Sunday, Bolingbrook Pride held their second annual Pride and Puppies Picnic.  This time it was at Village Hall. Organizers estimate that over one thousand people attended. 

The following is a team report from the picnic:

Were-dogs help residents celebrate pride

A pack of were-dogs offered free pets to Pride and Puppies attendees.

“Bolingbrook is our family,” said Becky, who asked that we not use her last name.  “We love our family and we love it when they bring people to love. We let them pet us, and they feel our love.  This pride event is about love.”

One of the attendees who petted Becky told her a story about her own dog: “I grew up with a dog named Pepper.  Whenever I cried, Pepper would be there for me.  I loved her.  But then my parents threw me out of the house when they found out I was queer.  I never saw her again.  Now I own a home with my partner, but whenever I’m in the backyard, I think of Pepper, and how much she would have loved it.”

The attendee’s eyes watered. Becky licked the tears.  The attendee smiled and embraced Becky.

“This is why we’re here,” Becky said, speaking in the dog language.

Elsewhere, a man openly asked why Bolingbrook wasn’t hosting a Straight Pride event.  Bo, a were-dog Welsh Terrier, jumped up and down in front of the man:  “I’ll tell you why!  Because gay relationships are outlawed in 70 countries.  In this country, lawmakers want to use ‘Religious liberty’ to allow discrimination against LBGTQA+ individuals. There was even a hate crime against a Barrington teen a few days ago.  Straight is the default sexuality. Every day is your pride day.  Either let my friends enjoy their day, or leave this space.”

“I think this dog is trying to talk me,” said the man.  “I can’t understand you.  You’re just barking.”

Bo moved away and barked: “Hate does not make you great!”

Representative Bill Foster: ‘The New World Order believes in Universal Gay rights!’
By Reporter X

Congressman Bill Foster manned the Wheaton Township Democrats’ table at Bolingbrook Pride.

US Representative Bill Foster promised alien attendees at the Pride Picnic that he would continue to work to enact the Interstellar Commonwealth’s “Declaration of Gender and Orientation Rights.”

“I agree with the declaration,” said Foster.  I co-sponsored the Equality Act, but that’s just the beginning.  I won’t stop until every gay human on Earth has all the rights outlined in the Commonwealth’s declaration.  No one should be shamed for being LBGQTA—Did I get all the letters?”

Foster then denounced the Illuminati: “Ever since they declared war on the New World Order, the level of hate has increased around the world.  Donald Trump is their blunt instrument to destroy civilization and create chaos in the world.  They say they want freedom, but that’s a lie.  They want to destroy all opposition and then impose their own dictatorship on the world.  Well, I’m not going to let that happen.  I proudly support science, reason, and the New World Order.  E Pluribus Unum!”

Most aliens said they enjoyed talking to Foster.

“Humans like him give me hope for the future of this planet,” said Zoplopgost, who asked that we not identify its homeworld.

An unidentified alien tried to dump shaved ice on Foster but was restrained by a Man in Black.

“Why did you try to attack me?” asked Foster.

“Isn’t dumping food product on a human leader considered a proper greeting?”

“No!  That’s what you do if you hate a politician, and I don’t endorse that kind of wasting of food.”

“Oops.”

————

Mayor Claar takes select Pride attendees on ‘wild’ UFO ride

By Reporter X

Ten attendees to the Bolingbrook Pride event say they went on a “wild” UFO ride with Mayor Roger Claar.

“Roger really is the most important Mayor in the galaxy!” said an anonymous attendee.

All of the attendees were selected at random and raised into a UFO.  Claar then reassured them they would only be gone for about 15 minutes, and he was going to take them on a short interplanetary tour.  

As the attendees sat down, Claar told them that before the first Pride and Puppies event, he was skeptical.

“I thought it was a plot by the Cook County Democrats to corrupt the fine residents of Bolingbrook.  Then my daughter assured me that gay people are Okay.  They just want the freedom to be who they are, and love who they want.  Or not love.  I’m still learning about that ‘A’ part.”

The UFO then flew to the far side of the moon and viewed the UFO Mother Ships hovering over the moon.  A tour guide, who said he was a former US Space Marine, and former 

Bolingbrook Pride organizer described the various species that visit Clow UFO Base.

“Do you know that most alien species have more than one sex and more than one gender identity?” Asked Blake, who asked that we not use his last name.  “It’s like our minds are so small that we can only think of two genders, but the universe is more creative.  Who knew?”

The craft then traveled to Mars.  Claar told them that they couldn’t land because the Martian Colonial Government has quarantined humans.

“They think we’re infected with memes,” said Claar.  “Whatever that means.”

The Bolingbrook Pride Committee from Left to right: Jessica Blackburn, Barbara Parker, Allaina Humphreys, Bob Jaskiewicz, Jessica Parks

On the way back to Bolingbrook, a fleet of alien fascists contacted Claar, and said they wanted to help him “purify Bolingbrook.”  Claar told them to turn over control of their ships to Clow Traffic Control.  Claar then continued to talk about how no one in Bolingbrook understood alien cultures better than he did.

Several minutes later, the alien fascists contacted Claar. They said their ships were flying towards the sun, and they couldn’t regain control.  Claar asked why that was a problem.

“I don’t care what Bolingbrook looks like.  Just as long as I am in charge!”

“But what about our freedom of speech?” asked one of the aliens.

“I draw the line at oppositions parties in Bolingbrook,” replied Claar.  “And your fascist party is way, way, way over the line!”

“But you endorsed Tr—”

Claar turned off the audio and said: “I don’t see Bob sending fascists into the sun.  Do you?”

When reached for comment, Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz replied, “I suppose I could say something about Roger and Uranus, but I’m kind of busy volunteering at the picnic right now.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was away and did not want to take any calls. 

In the background, a man who sounded like Deputy Mayor Michael T. Lawler said: “Thanks, Mike.  Now, I just need one more trustee to join me.  Fortunately, I brought some straws—”

“I volunteer!” said a woman who sounded like Trustee Mary Basta. “As a tribute to—”

“Thank you Jesus!” said a man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts.

“So what do we do?” asked Basta.

“Roger already made a major donation,” said Lawler.  “And we’re letting them hold the event outside of village hall.  So you and I are just going to stand near the edge of the crowd, and talk to the concerned residents.”

Carpanzano added: “I’m going to have pictures of me taken with the volunteers.  Because I care!”

Also in the Babbler: 

Aliens allowed to join the Chicago Pride March
Congressman Sean Casten meets with gay reptoids
Fox News to start pro-Roger Bolingbrook channel
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Mayor Claar resumes command of Clow UFO Base despite protests (Fiction)

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

By Reporter X

The Interstellar Commonwealth officially returned control of Clow UFO Base to Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  This ended a nine-month saga in which the village lost Clow UFO Base to alien protesters.

“Clow is a great UFO Base,” said acting Administrator Aplodoxage Glomox before stepping down.  “It deserves a great leader.”  Glomox then left the room.

Claar thanked the Commonwealth for their help in ending the occupation, and for acting as interim administrators until the results of the April Consolidated Election were certified.

“You guys did a great job,” said Claar, after taking the oath of office during a covert meeting of the Village Board held at the base. “This reminds me.  There are people in the Bolingbrook Politics Facebook group who think the Commonwealth owes the Village money.  What those stupid liars aren’t telling the residents is that the Commonwealth fully paid for the restoration of Clow UFO Base, and shared a portion of Clow’s revenue with the Village.  You don’t owe the village anything.  Bolingbrook’s social media foes owe you an apology.”

Claar then announced that he was going to make some rule changes at Clow.  He started by lifting the display advertising ban on UFOs and allowing advertising during alien abductions.

“The ban never should have been enacted,” said Claar.  “You are guests here at Clow UFO Base, and if your hosts want to give you money to display a political ad, Clow shouldn’t step in the way.  By the way, this is in no way connected to my interstellar campaign fund.”

Claar then recessed the meeting to watch special performances in honor of his reappointment.  Clow’s theatrical group performed a musical number from the rock opera “Roger!” in front of an audience of the mayor, the Village Board, Clow employees, and interstellar dignitaries.  

However, during a juggling act, a Clow employee rushed the podium and dumped a bag of garbage on Claar.  As Men in Blue apprehended the protester, a woman ran on the stage and read a statement denouncing the village’s new garbage fees.

“Not only do we pay non-deductible fees for garbage,” read the woman.  “We can’t even use garbage toters.”

Village Trustee-elect Michael Carpanzano then yelled from the audience: “Stop being so negative.  We reduced an expense that counted against our property taxes and our general fund while maintaining positive revenue for garbage collection.”

“But many residents now pay more taxes,” countered the woman. “And we have to pay this fee on top of our taxes.”

“We said we’d keep taxes low.  We didn’t say anything about fees.”

After the woman was arrested, aliens, dressed as cheerleaders, rushed on stage.  They cheered, “Bill Mayer for mayor!”

“That man will never be allowed inside Clow again!” yelled Claar, as he finished brushing garbage off of his body.

After the cheerleaders were removed from the room, an unidentified alien yelled that Claar suffers from Fox News Delusion and is infected with memes.  It was escorted out of the room as well.

Claar then asked Trustee-elect Mary Sabri Alexander-Basta to say something.

She walked on stage, looked at her cell phone, and said: “Whenever the residents are upset, find a way to blame (Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz).”

“That’s the private memo!” snapped Claar.

“Oops,” replied Alexander-Basta.  “I’m still learning.  Let me see.  Oh, this one.”  She cleared her throat.  “I’m just happy to be here, and I want to help Roger defend Clow from the New World Order and from Bob’s protesters.  You will not annoy us.”

“That’s better.”

“Excuse me,” said Jaskiewicz.  “First of all, I had nothing to do with these protests.  Second, read our article about Roger’s poorly thought out garbage plan.  I’ve been calling for an open process for months.  This surprise letter and tax bill is not an open process.  Third, I still can’t believe Roger’s covert budget.  Roger, you’ve said that traffic to Clow UFO Base is growing, and based the budget’s projections on that growth continuing.  When you defected to the Illuminati and endorsed Donald Trump, UFO visits started declining.  The growth only started under the temporary stewardship of the Interstellar Commonwealth.”

“I have something to say,” interrupted Village Clerk Carol Penning: “God does not like people who stir the pot.  There’s a special toilet waiting for you in Hell, Bob, and you will be stirred—”

“We get the point,” interrupted Claar, as he was handed what appeared to be a glass of Coke.  “It’s time to stop the protests and start the celebrating.  I’m once again the most important Chicagoland mayor in the galaxy!”

Also in the Babbler:

Carnivorous grass spotted in Bolingbrook
Resident adopts garbage toter and dares village to take it away
Skepchicks get office space in the Bolingbrook United’s interstellar embassy
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/9/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Bolingbrook’s minor opposition parties respond to the 2019 State of the Village Address (Fiction)

Each year we invite Bolingbrook’s opposition parties to respond to Bolingbrook’s Annual State of the Village Address, Of the major opposition parties, only Bolingbrook United sent a reply.  Bolingbrook First politely declined.  We also received replies from Bolingbrook’s minor opposition parties:  The Roger Claar Party, The Zero Tax Party, The Atheist Party For Bolingbrook, The Al Gore Party, and The Dog Catcher Party. 

The opinions expressed are those of the parties and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Babbler.

The Roger Claar Party (Not affiliated with Mayor Roger Claar)

“A great mayor deserves a great party.”

Wow.  That was our first reaction to the speech.  Great things are happening in our village.  Would they have happened if Roger wasn’t our mayor?  We think not.  This is the best time to be a resident of Bolingbrook because we are living in the peak-Roger period!

Unfortunately, we know that Roger has never been fully supported by his Trustees, and this year is no different.  Bolingbrook First has abandoned him.  Will the First Party for Bolingbrook really put Roger first?  The sad reality is he is all alone in Village Hall.

Imagine if there were a political party that fully supported Roger.  Imagine trustees that threw themselves in front of politicians who tried to bother our residents at home.  Imagine trustees that would speak up every time the Anti-Roger tried to poison the discourse in Village Hall.

Now stop imagining.  We are that party.  

This could be Roger’s final term as Mayor.  We think a great parting gift would be a board filled with trustees who fully support him.  After all Roger has done for us, the least you can do is vote for the only party that is named after the greatest mayor in the history of Bolingbrook.

The Zero Tax Party

“Zero taxes=infinite revenue”

Once again, Roger declined to abolish all taxes and fees in Bolingbrook.  He still subscribes to the dated belief that taxes generate revenue.

We, with our advanced understanding of quantum mathematics, know better.  When a body of government is formed and decides not to impose taxes, it will suddenly have infinite revenue.  This is the only logical conclusion of Supply Side Economics!

If you doubt us, then consider this.  How did the Park District cut taxes and suddenly have enough money to fund renovations to our playgrounds?  Quantum mathematics is the answer!

So if you want to live in a village without taxes and infinite funds to meet every resident’s needs, then vote for us!

The Atheist Party For Bolingbrook

“Keeping religion out of village hall”

It’s bad enough that you have to dress up and pay $70 to attend the State of the Village Address.  Did Roger really have to make it worse by including a prayer?

Religion has no place in this village.  Period.  It’s bad enough that we have to fill our strip malls with businesses that don’t generate sales taxes.  We also have to subsidize the tax-free churches infesting our village.  Residents complain of “negativity” and “divisiveness” whenever someone disagrees with the mayor about garbage toters.  They overlook the corrosive effect religion has on our village.  We are divided by at least 22 places of worship.  We agree with Christopher Hitchens:  Religion poisons everything!

Bolingbrook has succeeded in spite of its religious divisions, not because of them.  Some will argue that God made Bolingbrook great.  We ask this simple question:  Which one?  The God that favors descendants of Israel?  The God who thinks all violence is wrong?  The God who blesses armies?  The God who had a son?  The God who followed up on what his son said?

We won’t take religion out of your home, but we will it take out of village hall, and demand that religious institutions pay the same taxes as the hard-working residents of Bolingbrook.

You don’t need faith to know that Bolingbrook is great!

The Al Gore Party

“We were warned.”

Roger has done many great and not so great things for our village.  I think we can agree that he’s good at spending other people’s money.

We can debate what he has done, but it is more important to look at what is coming.  The climate that supported Bolingbrook’s growth is going away.  Climate change is a fact.  We need to prepare for this.

Climate change will mean Bolingbrook will face heavier rains in the spring, and more droughts in the summer.  Is it wise to subsidize a luxury golf course when this space could be used for another water retention lake?

As the demand for Lake Michigan water increases, will future mayors reward residents for maintaining their yards or reward them for conserving water?  Today our yards are expected to be covered with grass.  Will tomorrow’s yards be covered only with dirt instead?

Climate change may also cause the greatest domestic refugee crises since the dust bowl.  How will we deal with these refugees?  Today Trump’s USA rejects refugees from Mexico.  Will it reject refugees from Mexico, Missouri tomorrow?

We cannot keep debating how great Bolingbrook is or isn’t.  The climate of the past is gone.  We need to prepare for the new climate that is coming. If we are to be a great village in the future, we may need to make many serious changes to survive.

The Dog Catcher Party

“We will not resign.”

We understand that Bolingbrook is not an island.  We understand that non-residents will donate to both major parties in Bolingbrook.  We understand that not all the volunteers for both parties will be residents.  We understand that anyone in the world can make comments about Bolingbrook.  Because we know that the voters, who are residents, will make the final choice.

What we do not tolerate are non-residents disrupting local meetings and threatening to file lawsuits.  Yes, we are looking at you, Edgar County Watchdogs.

Instead of focusing on important issues in Edgar County, (like the lack of tornado sirens), the Watchdogs like to spend their time harassing governments hundreds of miles away from them, (including the DuPage Township).  We are disappointed that Roger did not denounce them or stand up for his longtime ally, Township Supervisor William Mayer.

Their critics note their ties to the Republican party.  We do not feel that is the best way to view them.  They are fanatics who follow the most extreme interpretation of the law to take down those they consider impure.  Nothing will stop them from holding properly elected officials to their impossible standards.  We are appalled that a certain local politician is using them for personal gain.  

If elected to the Village board, we promise to make sure that the village follows sensible interpretations of the law.  If a board member feels the need to summon these foreign watchdogs, maybe they should consider stepping down first, before disrupting our meetings.

If these dogs say to us, “You must resign.”  Our answer will be simple:  “No.  We will not resign.  You must go (expletive deleted) yourselves.”

Also in the Babbler:

Russians fail to freeze out Bolingbrook
Palatine UFO Base cancels 100 landings due to a frozen sensor
Bigfoot sighted near Mayor Claar’s home
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/25/19 

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2019! (Fiction)

Every year our council of psychics convenes to make their predictions for the new year.  Last year they did an excellent job. Amazon expanded their logistical services and even announced the opening of a second headquarters.  Trump made several tweets that could be considered the Mother of all Twitter Rants. 

Representative Bill Foster

Will Rep. Bill Foster help Rep. Sean Casten save the Capitol Building?

Some skeptics will point out that Obama did not steal the nuclear football, and Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz wasn’t allowed to put an item on a village board agenda.  Unlike those skeptics, we know that predicting the future isn’t an exact science, and the future is always changing.  Who knows, maybe Mayor Roger Claar read our predictions and decided not to go through with his plan to humiliate Jaskiewicz?

For the rest of our readers, here are our psychics’ predictions for 2019:

***

The Bolingbrook Fire Department’s Roundabout Rescue team will be revealed to the public after it rescues Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler.  Lawler will say that he wasn’t really trapped in the roundabout for two hours.

“I was part of a drill to test the team’s readiness.  They’re a bunch of fine individuals.  Most of the time, I remember how roundabouts work.”

The Bolingbrook Department of Public Safety will neither confirm nor deny they scheduled a drill.  No charges will be filed against Lawler.

A week later, Lawler will step down from the Village Board and Trustee Sheldon Watts will be named Deputy Mayor.  Mayor Claar will scold anyone who says the two events are related.

***

The Edgar County Watchdogs will escalate their campaign against the DuPage Township by holding a “Good Government Tent Revival” in the administrative building’s parking lot.  Attendees will hear uplifting music and “educational lectures.”

“Supervisor Bill Mayer says he doesn’t have a conflict of interest,” one speaker will say.  “But the Township Code says otherwise.  Section 85-45 says, and I quote: ‘Except as provided in this Section, no township officer or employee shall be interested, directly or indirectly, in his or her own name or in the name of any other person, association, trust, or corporation, in any contract for work, materials, profits of work or materials, or services to be furnished or performed for the township (…)’ Can I get a ‘He must resign’?”

During the revival, Township Trustee Alyssia Benford will stand up and start dancing.  “I feel the power of Good Government lifting my soul and bringing me closer to Jesus!”

Watts will be invited to participate in a baptism to “wash away the sins of Township Government” from his soul.  He will not attend.

Bolingbrook police will use tear gas to break up the revival.  Other Township trustees will offer free milk to those affected by the tear gas. 

***

After the April election, Claar will make an announcement at the next scheduled Bolingbrook Village Board meeting. Claar will state that he sent the village attorney to court to file for bankruptcy, and for the court to appoint him as the manager of Bolingbrook.  The move would strip the village board of all of its powers, and give Claar full control over Bolingbrook.

Claar will blame Jaskiewicz for the filing, stating:  “Everything was fine until you were elected!”

Near the end of the meeting, Judge Vincent Cornelius will arrive and announce that he has rejected Bolingbrook’s bankruptcy request.  He will state that while Bolingbrook has a debt problem, it is still capable of making payments on those debts.

He will add, “If you ever try this again, Roger, I will appoint Bonnie Kurowski-Alicea to be the manager of Bolingbrook!”

Village Clerk Carol Penning will scream in horror.

***

The Yellow Vest protests will reach Washington DC, though they will actually be wearing orange life vests.  Millions of dollars of damage will be done to the Lincoln and Jefferson memorials during the first weekend of protests against “the way things are.”

On the second weekend, they will march towards the Capitol Building, many of them armed.  As they reach the steps of the Capitol, Representative Sean Casten and his sister will step outside.  His sister will start singing the national anthem, accompanied by Representative Casten on the keyboard.  The yellow vest protesters will stop in their tracks.  Representatives Lauren Underwood and Bill Foster will march outside, waving US flags.

After the song, the protesters will disburse and leave Washington.

Many in the media will encourage Representative Casten to run for President.  He will reply, “Why me?  She did most of the work.  I just helped her. You should ask her to run for President.” 

***

Fed up with the nearly year-long government shutdown, and the results of numerous investigations, Congress will unanimously vote to impeach President Trump.

President Pence will declare a state of emergency and take control of all Internet Service Providers in the United States.

“The Russians have used our Internet to divide us,” he will say in his first televised speech.  “We don’t know who to trust anymore.  You can trust God and I am his faithful servant.”

Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube will be blocked in the US by the “Pence Firewall,” thus complicating efforts to organize national protests.

Pence will then allow “trusted community leaders” to take over control of their residents’ Internet access.  Bolingbrook will be one of those communities.

Claar’s choice to run Bolingbrook’s ISP will inspire little confidence during his only press conference:

“My haters say I’m supporting a dictatorship and opposing democracy.  They’re just mad that I’m an up and coming entrepreneur, youth mentor, politician, and thought leader.  My business is going to generate so much money that we can abolish property taxes.  I will also only employ Bolingbrook residents.  What’s not to like?  Oh, can someone tell me the difference between a dictatorship and democracy?  School never taught me that.”

Some residents will work together to start their own pirate ISP. The year will end with the Bolingbrook police closing in on the home of the illicit ISP to arrest “enemies of the village,” while hundreds of supporters outside will rally in support of “unfiltered Internet free speech.”

Also in the Babbler: 

Claar boycotts Clow UFO Base New Years Party after alcohol ban announced
Melania Trump investigates claims aliens illegally helped the Chicago Bears
UFO makes the first successful landing at Peotone UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/3/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Mayor Claar defiant as Clow UFO Base reopens (Fiction)

By Reporter X

For the first time since 1986, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar will not be in charge of Clow UFO Base.

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

The Interstellar Commonwealth, the governing body of the Milky Way, assumed temporary control of Clow after protesters ended their occupation.  The Commonwealth will administer the base until the new village board is sworn in next year.  Whichever party controls the village board after the March election will also control Clow UFO Base.

“I had no choice,” said Claar at a press conference with the interstellar media.  “I could have presided over a massacre, or I could have temporarily handed over the base to a neutral third party.  I chose peace, and now my foes are trying to tear me down.”

Claar specifically accused Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the opposition Bolingbrook United Party, of asking the Interstellar Commonwealth to conduct a “witch hunt” against him.

“Bob wants them to go after me because his party stands for nothing.  Nothing!  Bolingbrook First stands for what I want it to stand for.  I made Clow the largest urban UFO base in the world.  The residents will appreciate that.  The foes never will.”

Claar then cited an example of what he considered a “ridiculous” charge:

“They said that every supplier to Clow UFO Base has donated to my interstellar campaign fund.  I know you said that Bob.  Do you want to know the actual number of vendors we paid last month that also donated to my campaign fund?  Twenty-five percent!  That’s not bad, and I only use it for campaign events across the galaxy.  Do you know how many off-world constituents I have?  You’d be surprised.  More than I have in California.  My foes want me to run away from my fellow residents if happen to see them on Triton.  I won’t do that, Bob.  I’d rather have a Proteus steak dinner with them.”

Jaskiewicz insisted that his request was part of his effort to provide oversight over Bolingbrook’s covert operations. He also added that the initial audits prove that reforms are needed at Clow:

“Sure, 25% is a good number.  Do you know what an even better number is?  Zero.  If it can’t be zero, then there should be limits on donations.  Even Cook County limits vendors’ donations to $750 per cycle.  We can do better than that.”

Claar then yelled at Jaskiewicz for mentioning “that county.”  He pretended to cough, then talked for several minutes:  “My foes punish me.  Twice a month Bob punishes me by attending meetings.  Every week I am punished by the cover of the Bolingbrook Babbler in the checkout lanes.  Every day I am punished whenever I read the Bolingbrook Politics Group.  All I did was create the best UFO Base in the world, and the best place to live in America.”

“Don’t forget hosting a Trump fundraiser at the Golf Club,” added Jaskiewicz.

“You won’t let that go will you, Zieliński?”

“Jaskiewicz.”

“Close enough.”

Acting administrator Aplodoxage Glomox promised to consult with representatives of both parties.  She also added that she would not be distracted by local politics:

“Let’s save the fighting for the next solar orbit.  This week, every visitor to Clow gets a free WeatherTech snack.  We’ve also reopened both WeatherTech restaurants.  That’s great.”

Oljoys, a visitor from Alpha Centauri, said he liked that Clow was reopened, but hoped that it would be back under local control soon:  “I do miss the recordings of (Trustee Deresa A. Hoogland) announcing events.  She would say, ‘Come to the Bolingbrook event.  Why should you come to the Bolingbrook event?  The Bolingbrook event will be fun.’  Yes, I can upload the local calendar to my brain, but she gave each announcement a personal touch.”

Also in the Babbler:

Owner denies new arcade will have a portal to the 1980s
Will County judge rejects ‘Trump’ defense for reckless driving
Claar vetos ‘ high-end cannibalism restaurant’ application
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/5/18

Rep. Bill Foster leads delegation to meet with Clow UFO Base’s occupiers (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Congressman Bill Foster lead a small delegation to meet with the aliens who seized Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

Congressman Bill Foster

“This should have been resolved back in July,” said Foster after the meeting. “A certain mayor should have tried negotiating with occupiers before asking Trump to send in Space Force Marines.  Anyway, now I’m convinced that this will be over in a matter of days.”

State Representative Natalie Manley also believed the occupiers would soon surrender Clow UFO Base:  “I know that many beings around the galaxy are concerned about the events on Earth.  I appreciate their support as I, and other Democrats, try to fix the state and the country.  Taking over Clow UFO Base doesn’t help our efforts—  It hurts us.  I explained that the occupation will be used by Melania Trump and Roger Claar as an excuse for violence.  I don’t want the massacre at Area 51 to be repeated at Clow.”

Lauren Staley-Ferry, Will County Board member, said she reminded the occupiers that they were currently delinquent on their county tax bill: “I did a terrible thing once, and some people still won’t let it go.  No matter how many times I say I’m sorry, or no matter how respected I am at my current job, they will keep bringing it up.  I told the occupiers that if they didn’t surrender Clow UFO Base and pay their taxes now, the Illuminati would never forgive them!  They would end up being unfairly judged for this incident for the rest of their lives.  I think I got through to them. Anyway, I should be the next county clerk since I’ve demonstrated during my time on the board that I’m committed first and foremost to the interests of Will County residents.”

When asked why Mayor Roger Claar, or any trustees, weren’t part of the delegation, Foster said: “Roger and the Illuminati have caused enough damage already.”  He added that he did consult with opposition trustee Robert Jaskiewicz.

Foster also claimed to have consulted with former Clow UFO Base employee, and current Congressional candidate, Sean Casten:  “I talked with him for a few minutes, then canvassed for him on the way to Clow.  We could use someone like him in Congress.  Can you believe (Representative Peter Roskam) doesn’t believe in UFOs and won’t attend meetings about interstellar affairs?  Sean’s experience at Clow UFO Base will only help US-interstellar relations.”

Claar and Roskam could not be reached for comment.

A volunteer at Casten’s campaign denied the candidate ever worked at Clow: “Sean is a scientist.  He doesn’t have time for your nonsense.  Bolingbrook isn’t even in the Sixth District.  Anyway, we at the Downers Grove Destroyer office know not to waste Sean’s time with you guys.  I just warned the Elgin Escort, the Barrington Battleship, and the Wheaton Warship offices about you guys as well.  Hey!  Do we have a nickname for the West Chicago office?”

In the background, a man said: “My daughter says you want to let thirteen-year-olds drive.  Is that true?”

“You tell him Sean!”  said a young woman.

“No,” said a man who sounded like Casten.  “What I actually said is that if a minor commits a crime with a gun, the parents should be held accountable.  Just like if my thirteen-year-old daughter stole my car and had an accident.  I would be held accountable for that.  Of course, she would never steal my car.  It was just an example I used at a small gathering.”

“You suck!”  said the young woman.  “I thought you were awesome, but you’re just as uncool as my dad.”

“You just earned my vote, Sean.”

Also in the Babbler:

Happy Rosh Hashanah
Palatine residents fall ill as New World Order tests new UFO tracking system.
Bolingbrook United denies it will nominate a Satanist for Library Board
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/11/18

Russian special forces supporting Rep. Peter Roskam’s campaign (Fiction)

Some residents of Illinois’ Sixth Congressional District claim to have seen members of Russia’s Special Operations Forces campaigning for Rep. Peter Roskam.

“I saw 20 of them parachute out of a US military cargo plane,” said Cindy, who asked that we not use her last name.  Cindy claims the operatives landed on her street in Downers Grove.  According to Cindy, they were wearing American Flag clothing, and had their faces painted to look like the US Flag:

“I asked them what they were doing.  One of them replied and had a really thick Russian accent. He said, ‘We are moderate white residents of greatest Congress District in the USA.  We love Congressman Peter Roskam because he is real strong man, like Trump.  He is why people are walking away from Democrat Party.  He give us big tax cut. You agree.’ I just backed away.”

Dave, a resident of Palatine, claims that two of the Russian operatives canvassed his neighborhood:  “I asked why they knocked on my door when I have a Sean Casten sign in my yard.  They said they were concerned and going to hold an intervention.  I slammed the door on them and locked it.  About a minute later, one of them used a shotgun to destroy my lock.  They said I suffered from Trump Derangement Syndrome and the only cure is to vote for Peter.  They also said that they would give me electroshock therapy if I didn’t vote for Peter.  You know what, Peter Roskam is such a two-faced politician that I would rather be tasered than vote for him!”

Amber, who frequently pickets in front of Roskam’s Barrington field office, said she saw six Russian operatives outside the office building.  According to her, the men were greeted by a smiling Roskam staff member.  Amber asked why Roskam was meeting with the Russians, but would never meet with her. The staffer replied:  “Just because you happen to live within the Sixth District doesn’t make you a true constituent.  These men are the embodiment of the values of the Sixth District.  These are the people who are the key to victory for the Congressman.”

Amber countered, “Is that why Peter voted to force the Justice Department to turn over all documents related to the active Mueller investigation?  Is that why he voted against increasing funding for election security?  Is Peter more loyal to the Russians than he is to America?”

An operative replied, “It is cheaper for Comrade Peter to be our friends than our enemies.”

“Yeah,” the staffer agreed.  “Peter is all about saving money for the right people.  He doesn’t care about you and the other rabble infesting his district.  As far as we’re concerned, Moscow is the best city in the district!”

A Roskam campaign staff member denied any knowledge about Russian special forces units in his district:  “I don’t know what state I’m in, or if I’m even in Chicago.  All I know is that if the Russians are helping us defeat a Democrat, then I’m thankful.  Our new friends are helping us keep the country safe for Republicans.  What is your fake news rag doing?”

A spokesperson for Casten urged all residents of the district to resist Russian voter manipulation and intimidation:  “These tactics only work if the margin of victory is small.  If every Democrat votes, we will overwhelm the Russian hackers and alleged special forces soldiers to reclaim our democracy!  The choice is clear.  You can either vote for a fiscally responsible businessman and patriot, or you can reelect Congressman Roskam!”

Also in the Babbler:

UFOs monitor Alpine Days Parade
Mayor Claar tries to avoid Republican civil war in Bolingbrook
Alien prostitutes arrested in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/25/18.