Mayor Claar defiant as Clow UFO Base reopens (Fiction)

By Reporter X

For the first time since 1986, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar will not be in charge of Clow UFO Base.

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

The Interstellar Commonwealth, the governing body of the Milky Way, assumed temporary control of Clow after protesters ended their occupation.  The Commonwealth will administer the base until the new village board is sworn in next year.  Whichever party controls the village board after the March election will also control Clow UFO Base.

“I had no choice,” said Claar at a press conference with the interstellar media.  “I could have presided over a massacre, or I could have temporarily handed over the base to a neutral third party.  I chose peace, and now my foes are trying to tear me down.”

Claar specifically accused Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the opposition Bolingbrook United Party, of asking the Interstellar Commonwealth to conduct a “witch hunt” against him.

“Bob wants them to go after me because his party stands for nothing.  Nothing!  Bolingbrook First stands for what I want it to stand for.  I made Clow the largest urban UFO base in the world.  The residents will appreciate that.  The foes never will.”

Claar then cited an example of what he considered a “ridiculous” charge:

“They said that every supplier to Clow UFO Base has donated to my interstellar campaign fund.  I know you said that Bob.  Do you want to know the actual number of vendors we paid last month that also donated to my campaign fund?  Twenty-five percent!  That’s not bad, and I only use it for campaign events across the galaxy.  Do you know how many off-world constituents I have?  You’d be surprised.  More than I have in California.  My foes want me to run away from my fellow residents if happen to see them on Triton.  I won’t do that, Bob.  I’d rather have a Proteus steak dinner with them.”

Jaskiewicz insisted that his request was part of his effort to provide oversight over Bolingbrook’s covert operations. He also added that the initial audits prove that reforms are needed at Clow:

“Sure, 25% is a good number.  Do you know what an even better number is?  Zero.  If it can’t be zero, then there should be limits on donations.  Even Cook County limits vendors’ donations to $750 per cycle.  We can do better than that.”

Claar then yelled at Jaskiewicz for mentioning “that county.”  He pretended to cough, then talked for several minutes:  “My foes punish me.  Twice a month Bob punishes me by attending meetings.  Every week I am punished by the cover of the Bolingbrook Babbler in the checkout lanes.  Every day I am punished whenever I read the Bolingbrook Politics Group.  All I did was create the best UFO Base in the world, and the best place to live in America.”

“Don’t forget hosting a Trump fundraiser at the Golf Club,” added Jaskiewicz.

“You won’t let that go will you, Zieliński?”

“Jaskiewicz.”

“Close enough.”

Acting administrator Aplodoxage Glomox promised to consult with representatives of both parties.  She also added that she would not be distracted by local politics:

“Let’s save the fighting for the next solar orbit.  This week, every visitor to Clow gets a free WeatherTech snack.  We’ve also reopened both WeatherTech restaurants.  That’s great.”

Oljoys, a visitor from Alpha Centauri, said he liked that Clow was reopened, but hoped that it would be back under local control soon:  “I do miss the recordings of (Trustee Deresa A. Hoogland) announcing events.  She would say, ‘Come to the Bolingbrook event.  Why should you come to the Bolingbrook event?  The Bolingbrook event will be fun.’  Yes, I can upload the local calendar to my brain, but she gave each announcement a personal touch.”

Also in the Babbler:

Owner denies new arcade will have a portal to the 1980s
Will County judge rejects ‘Trump’ defense for reckless driving
Claar vetos ‘ high-end cannibalism restaurant’ application
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/5/18

Rep. Bill Foster leads delegation to meet with Clow UFO Base’s occupiers (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Congressman Bill Foster lead a small delegation to meet with the aliens who seized Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

Congressman Bill Foster

“This should have been resolved back in July,” said Foster after the meeting. “A certain mayor should have tried negotiating with occupiers before asking Trump to send in Space Force Marines.  Anyway, now I’m convinced that this will be over in a matter of days.”

State Representative Natalie Manley also believed the occupiers would soon surrender Clow UFO Base:  “I know that many beings around the galaxy are concerned about the events on Earth.  I appreciate their support as I, and other Democrats, try to fix the state and the country.  Taking over Clow UFO Base doesn’t help our efforts—  It hurts us.  I explained that the occupation will be used by Melania Trump and Roger Claar as an excuse for violence.  I don’t want the massacre at Area 51 to be repeated at Clow.”

Lauren Staley-Ferry, Will County Board member, said she reminded the occupiers that they were currently delinquent on their county tax bill: “I did a terrible thing once, and some people still won’t let it go.  No matter how many times I say I’m sorry, or no matter how respected I am at my current job, they will keep bringing it up.  I told the occupiers that if they didn’t surrender Clow UFO Base and pay their taxes now, the Illuminati would never forgive them!  They would end up being unfairly judged for this incident for the rest of their lives.  I think I got through to them. Anyway, I should be the next county clerk since I’ve demonstrated during my time on the board that I’m committed first and foremost to the interests of Will County residents.”

When asked why Mayor Roger Claar, or any trustees, weren’t part of the delegation, Foster said: “Roger and the Illuminati have caused enough damage already.”  He added that he did consult with opposition trustee Robert Jaskiewicz.

Foster also claimed to have consulted with former Clow UFO Base employee, and current Congressional candidate, Sean Casten:  “I talked with him for a few minutes, then canvassed for him on the way to Clow.  We could use someone like him in Congress.  Can you believe (Representative Peter Roskam) doesn’t believe in UFOs and won’t attend meetings about interstellar affairs?  Sean’s experience at Clow UFO Base will only help US-interstellar relations.”

Claar and Roskam could not be reached for comment.

A volunteer at Casten’s campaign denied the candidate ever worked at Clow: “Sean is a scientist.  He doesn’t have time for your nonsense.  Bolingbrook isn’t even in the Sixth District.  Anyway, we at the Downers Grove Destroyer office know not to waste Sean’s time with you guys.  I just warned the Elgin Escort, the Barrington Battleship, and the Wheaton Warship offices about you guys as well.  Hey!  Do we have a nickname for the West Chicago office?”

In the background, a man said: “My daughter says you want to let thirteen-year-olds drive.  Is that true?”

“You tell him Sean!”  said a young woman.

“No,” said a man who sounded like Casten.  “What I actually said is that if a minor commits a crime with a gun, the parents should be held accountable.  Just like if my thirteen-year-old daughter stole my car and had an accident.  I would be held accountable for that.  Of course, she would never steal my car.  It was just an example I used at a small gathering.”

“You suck!”  said the young woman.  “I thought you were awesome, but you’re just as uncool as my dad.”

“You just earned my vote, Sean.”

Also in the Babbler:

Happy Rosh Hashanah
Palatine residents fall ill as New World Order tests new UFO tracking system.
Bolingbrook United denies it will nominate a Satanist for Library Board
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/11/18

Russian special forces supporting Rep. Peter Roskam’s campaign (Fiction)

Some residents of Illinois’ Sixth Congressional District claim to have seen members of Russia’s Special Operations Forces campaigning for Rep. Peter Roskam.

“I saw 20 of them parachute out of a US military cargo plane,” said Cindy, who asked that we not use her last name.  Cindy claims the operatives landed on her street in Downers Grove.  According to Cindy, they were wearing American Flag clothing, and had their faces painted to look like the US Flag:

“I asked them what they were doing.  One of them replied and had a really thick Russian accent. He said, ‘We are moderate white residents of greatest Congress District in the USA.  We love Congressman Peter Roskam because he is real strong man, like Trump.  He is why people are walking away from Democrat Party.  He give us big tax cut. You agree.’ I just backed away.”

Dave, a resident of Palatine, claims that two of the Russian operatives canvassed his neighborhood:  “I asked why they knocked on my door when I have a Sean Casten sign in my yard.  They said they were concerned and going to hold an intervention.  I slammed the door on them and locked it.  About a minute later, one of them used a shotgun to destroy my lock.  They said I suffered from Trump Derangement Syndrome and the only cure is to vote for Peter.  They also said that they would give me electroshock therapy if I didn’t vote for Peter.  You know what, Peter Roskam is such a two-faced politician that I would rather be tasered than vote for him!”

Amber, who frequently pickets in front of Roskam’s Barrington field office, said she saw six Russian operatives outside the office building.  According to her, the men were greeted by a smiling Roskam staff member.  Amber asked why Roskam was meeting with the Russians, but would never meet with her. The staffer replied:  “Just because you happen to live within the Sixth District doesn’t make you a true constituent.  These men are the embodiment of the values of the Sixth District.  These are the people who are the key to victory for the Congressman.”

Amber countered, “Is that why Peter voted to force the Justice Department to turn over all documents related to the active Mueller investigation?  Is that why he voted against increasing funding for election security?  Is Peter more loyal to the Russians than he is to America?”

An operative replied, “It is cheaper for Comrade Peter to be our friends than our enemies.”

“Yeah,” the staffer agreed.  “Peter is all about saving money for the right people.  He doesn’t care about you and the other rabble infesting his district.  As far as we’re concerned, Moscow is the best city in the district!”

A Roskam campaign staff member denied any knowledge about Russian special forces units in his district:  “I don’t know what state I’m in, or if I’m even in Chicago.  All I know is that if the Russians are helping us defeat a Democrat, then I’m thankful.  Our new friends are helping us keep the country safe for Republicans.  What is your fake news rag doing?”

A spokesperson for Casten urged all residents of the district to resist Russian voter manipulation and intimidation:  “These tactics only work if the margin of victory is small.  If every Democrat votes, we will overwhelm the Russian hackers and alleged special forces soldiers to reclaim our democracy!  The choice is clear.  You can either vote for a fiscally responsible businessman and patriot, or you can reelect Congressman Roskam!”

Also in the Babbler:

UFOs monitor Alpine Days Parade
Mayor Claar tries to avoid Republican civil war in Bolingbrook
Alien prostitutes arrested in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/25/18. 

Web Exclusive: Space Force defeated by Bolingbrook’s fireworks (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The US Space Force’s first operation ended in disaster over Bolingbrook. A space glider was struck by fireworks during Bolingbrook’s All American Celebration. Fifty space marines were injured when the shuttle crashed in the backyard of a Farmstead Lane residence.

Judith, who asked that we not use her real name, saw the shuttle crash:  “A bunch of colorful fireworks went off, then I saw a blue flash and heard a loud boom.  Then I saw a fiery streak in the sky.  I thought maybe a firework hit a drone.  Then I realized that it was moving towards my neighborhood, and it was much bigger than a drone.”

Bob, who also asked that we not use his real name, said the shuttle crashed in his neighbor’s backyard:  “I heard a loud boom, which wasn’t unusual for the day.  My kitchen windows shattering, that was unusual.  I ran outside and saw this black space shuttle lying in a crater.  At first, I wondered if it was a Space ISIS craft, then I saw the words ‘USSF Trump’ printed on the side.  It was one of ours.”

According to anonymous sources within Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs, the US Space Force’s shuttle was transporting special forces soldiers. They were on a mission to recapture Clow UFO Base from alien protesters currently occupying the base.  The shuttle was supposed to land at Clow Airport but was diverted to the Bolingbrook Golf Club on orders from President Donald Trump.

“Apparently, Donald still remembers the fundraiser (Mayor Roger Claar) held for him there,” said one anonymous source.

Other sources described Mayor Roger Claar’s teleconference with Trump.  After wasting several minutes trying to provide the details of the accident, Claar tore off two pieces of paper from his notebook.  He wrote on the first piece of paper and held it up to the camera:.

“This is the number 50,” said Claar.

“That’s a good number,” replied Trump.

“That was the number of combat-ready troops at the start of this mission.”

“They’re killers.  All of them.”

Claar then wrote on the second piece of paper, then held it up to the camera.

“This is the number zero.”

“I like paying zero taxes.”

“Me too, but this is also the number of combat-ready troops after the mission.”

“I sent you over a thousand!  What happened to them?”

“I don’t know about the other 950, but I know 50 were taken out when you ordered their shuttle to fly into our fireworks display.  Why?  We secured a flight path to keep the shuttle away from the fireworks.”

“My generals said, ‘Sir!  We have to follow this flight path.’ I said the smart—”

“I don’t care!  Just send more troops.  Your mistake set my plans back a month!”

“I was going to send you a million troops, but you were uncivil to me.  I don’t make mistakes.  I’m smart.  Say that again, and you’ll face a primary challenge.”

“Yes.  I am still a Republican and I am obligated to support you no matter what you may say, do, or tweet.”

“Yes, what?”

“Yes… Sir!”

“That’s better.  Now, move your golf club closer to the airport before my next fundraiser.  Did I tell you I’m going to be building a space wall and making the aliens pay for it?”

The soldiers are currently staying in a secret wing of Adventist Bolingbrook Hospital. They are expected to make a full recovery.

The White House released a statement saying they could not confirm nor deny the presence of military operatives in Bolingbrook.

Red Deer Reporter: US covert operatives spotted in the area! (Fiction)

From the Babbler:  This article is from our sister publication, the Red Deer Reporter. It’s based in Red Deer, Alberta, Canada.

Sightings of possible US covert operatives near Red Deer skyrocketed following the disastrous G-7 summit.

Josephine, who asked that we not use her last name, described her encounter with one:  “I was sitting in my favorite bar when this weird man walked up to me and sat next to me without my permission.  He said he was a member of the ‘Wild Alberta’ party, but they weren’t going far enough.  He wondered if I thought that the US should invade Alberta so (President Trump) could make it great again.  I told him that invasions kill poor people to make rich people richer.  I also told him that I used to be a member of the United Conservative Party, but then I started reading Against the Grain and the  Reprobate Spreadsheet.  Now I am a much better person. He left.  Come to think of it, he did have an odd accent.”

Paul, who asked that we not use his real name, said a tractor-trailer truck pulled up next to him.  The driver stepped out and offered Paul an assault rifle.  Paul declined:  “I have enough guns.  The driver said that he was going to help ‘Texas North’ resist the ‘French Occupational Government.’  He asked if I would take up arms to defend the English Language.  I said people from Quebec are fine, but I would take up arms against the United States.  They steal our cheap medicine and demand that we say ‘eh’ for their amusement.  I would love to plunder their shale oil so Alberta could control the global market.  The driver took the gun away and left without saying goodbye.  How rude.”

Dena Z. Franson claims she encountered a sniper on her ranch:  “I saw this fake cow in my field.  Figuring it was a joke, I decided to approach it and throw it out.  When a got about a meter away, a man inside said, ‘Moo.  La moo.’  I stopped, and he said it again.  Then he said, ‘I am a Canadian cow.  Moo!  La Moo!’  I said that it is a balmy 15 C degrees outside, and he might overheat inside that fake cow.  That’s when I saw a rifle barrel come out of the cow’s mouth.  He used some unpleasant language before saying, “I’m here to make America again, and I’ll shoot any Canadian who refuses to submit to our President.  La Great!  La Shoot!  La Kill!  La Trump!’  I ran away.”

Police and Royal Canadian Mounted Police officials said they were not aware of any US military presence near Red Deer.  They did suggest that if any resident encounters US operatives, they should run to safety and call 911.

Also in the Red Deer Reporter:

Space alien criminals spotted near Red Deer
US mayor complains about people complaining
Picture of James Randi fails to cure a local woman of her allergies
God to spare Red Deer on 14/6/18

Aliens banned from trick or treating in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

By Reporter X

For the first time since 1988, space aliens have been barred from trick or treating in Bolingbrook.

“Melania Trump, who is the director of the United States Office of UFO Base Operations, issued a new set of directives,” read the press release from Clow UFO Base.  “Based on these directives, we have decided not to allow trick or treating by our visitors.”

Sources within Clow UFO Base provided copies of Melania’s directives.  While the documents do not directly specify Trick or Treating, they do stress that UFO Bases under Illuminati control must not “allow aliens to take ‘anything of value’ from resident humans without filling out impact statements.”

“It’s just too much bureaucracy,”  said an anonymous Clow official.  “Since it’s essentially aliens taking candy away from Bolingbrook’s children, we decided not to bother.  Think of it as (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) putting Bolingbrook’s kids first.”

Plojakwil, a resident of Kepler-62f, said she was disappointed in the ruling.

“I spend months crammed inside Clow UFO base for my job.  They just canceled the one time of year I get to go outside without a costume.  Thanks, Roger.”

Javekodosh, a scientist for the Interstellar Commonwealth, says the ban will hurt interstellar research:

“We can observe from a distance, we can insert probes, and we can consume your media.  Nothing, however, takes the place of face to face interactions with humans.  Some our best sociology studies of humans involved trick or treating.  This decision will hurt science in Bolingbrook.”

Javekodosh also questioned the rationale for the ban:

“If there are more trick or treaters, it means residents will have to buy more candy.  Increasing candy sales will help local businesses. More residents may consider handing out candy.  That means more candy for Bolingbrook’s children.”

Plojakwil says she plans on trick or treating in Rochelle instead:

“I’m taking my business to Hub 35 and the New World Order.  They allow us to trick or treat and the staff there are nicer.  If Roger doesn’t stand up to the Trumps, Clow will lose money.”

When reached for comment, a receptionist for Claar said: “Trick or Treating this year is allowed on October 31st from 4 PM to 7 PM.  Make sure you accompany your children or have a responsible teen to keep an eye on them.”

In the background, a woman who sounded like the unofficial advisor Charline Spencer said: “Senators Bob Corker and Jeff Flake have scored political points by distancing themselves from Trump.  You could—“

A man who sounded like Claar replied, “They’re quitters.  Do I look like a quitter?”

Also in the Babbler:

Black cats call for compassion during Halloween
Bolingbrook witches promise to protect village from evil spirits
Claar bans Nazi costumes in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/1/17

Clow UFO Base bans Colin Kaepernick from exhibition football game (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The Department of Paranormal Affairs banned Colin Kaepernick from playing in the Clow UFO Base exhibition football game. It is scheduled for November 3rd.

“It has nothing to do with his perceived disrespect for the great and noble flag of the United States,” read the press release to interstellar media outlets.  “Colin is simply not eligible to be a player in the game because he has not officially retired from the NFL. Until he officially retires, he will not be allowed on the base.”

The game, Started in 1990, features NFL and college players.  Instead of wearing pads and helmets, players wear personal force fields.  No one has been injured during a game.

Randy X. Miller, the coach of the Blue Team, tried to draft Kaepernick.

“This decision is outrageous,” said Miller.  “The rule states that players must be out of the NFL at the time of the game with little chance of being signed by a team.  It does not say that a player has to announce his retirement.  This decision has nothing to do with that rule.  This decision has everything to do with Kaepernick refusing to stand for the National Anthem.  We don’t play it anyway during this game!”

The press release also reads: “Bolingbrook is known for its patriotic themed golf club and the proudly named Americana Estates luxury homes.  Mayor Roger Claar, who knew both President Ronald Reagan and President Donald Trump, is a proud American who knows when to stand and when to put his right hand on his heart.  He also knows that freedom is not the freedom to do whatever you want.”

Travis Z. Nelson, the coach of the Green Team, supports the ruling:

“Sure racism is bad, but Trump is the President, and we have to support our President.  It’s time to say to say to the universe that we are not ashamed of electing him president, and what are you going to do about it?  Oops.  Maybe I shouldn’t have said that.  Can you change that to read politics has nothing to do with sports, and we are proud to be starting Brett Farve, the best inactive quarterback out there?”

Some longtime fans of the game are threatening to boycott the game, including Xikobeet:

“I come to this Clow game, so I can experience football the way thousands of select rich humans see the regular game.  If they’re not going to play the best players because one of them is protesting racism, then why bother?  I can just fly over Soldier Field and watch the Bears lose from the comfort of my spacecraft.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar could not be reached for comment, but Trustee Michael Lawler said:

“You know, when I was appointed to the Village Board, Bolingbrook was a washed out— Damnit.  I did it again.  Well, whatever you’re writing about, just remember that I support Roger!”

Also in the Babbler:

Support victims of hurricane season 2017
Mayor Claar:  I will get my flags back!
Trustee Jaskiewicz vows to protect Asteroid 153289 Rebeccawatson from Mayor Claar
Lost Jewish Tribes to send battleships to protect local synagogues during Yom Kippur
God will spare Bolingbrook this week

Rochelle Reader: Clinton and Sanders clash at Hub 35 UFO Base (Fiction)

Note:  This article is from the Rochelle Reader, our sister publication in Rochelle, IL.

Sen. Bernie Sanders and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton resumed their attacks against each other during their debate at Hub 35 UFO Base:

“My opponent wants a revolution,” said Clinton.  “You know, when I think of revolutions, I think of Mao, Stalin, Hitler, and Pol Pot!  As the great philosopher John Lennon once said, ‘You can count me out!’ ”

Sanders countered: “When I think of revolution, I think of George Washington, Gandhi, Emma Goldman, and Martin Luther King, Jr.  Incidentally, I would have marched ahead of Dr. King if there weren’t so many people blocking my way!”

Clinton later said that she accepted responsibility for her Electoral College defeat. Next, she proceeded to blame Russia, James Comey, the media, Saturday Night Live, the Green Party, The Young Turks, Sanders, and the Illuminati.

“Since the 1980s, the Illuminati have chosen each major party’s nominee; then the New World Order proceeds to influence the general election.  When the Illuminati selected Donald Trump, I thought they were handing me the presidency.  I didn’t realize they were actually plotting to overthrow the New World Order and unleash chaos upon the world.”

Sanders agreed, then counterattacked: “If you had just campaigned in Wisconsin, you could have overpowered the Illuminati’s spells, and won.  I supported you in the general election, and you not only let the world down, but you also let the galaxy down.  We were on the verge of being invited to the Galactic Commonwealth, and now Trump is considering closing off all contact with our Interstellar Comrades.”

Clinton snapped back: “You didn’t support me until you forced me to put your imaginary ponies in the Democratic platform.  Before you finally endorsed me, your supporters protested on the floor of the convention and reminded moderates of the 1968 convention.  Then you refused to have me nominated by acclamation.  You cost me the election!”

“You cost yourself the election when the Democratic National Committee worked with the Illuminati to defeat me.  I should have won the nomination, and I could have stopped the Illuminati uprising.”

Clinton laughed.  “I won the popular vote in the Democratic primary, and I would have won more states if it weren’t for the caucus states.  I’m sorry, but my supporters don’t want to be in a room with men threatening to throw chairs at them.”

“Winning the popular vote did a lot of good for you.”

When members of the interstellar press asked how they each wanted to move forward,  each offered a different path.  Sanders said he would fight for full membership in the Commonwealth, pass his version of single payer health care, and focus on the working class:

“The Democrats have focused too much on petty differences.  Who cares if you are LBGXYZ?  Who cares what color your skin is?  The only thing that matters is having a social safety net like the rest of Europe.  Then we can aspire to be protected by the Interstellar Commonwealth.  It’s time to think bold!  We are one human race.”

Clinton shook her head.  “Socialism doesn’t fix bigotry.  Just look at the rise of the far right in Europe.  We should not surrender our party’s values to please a basket full of deplorable Trump supporters.  I’m proud to support minorities, even if I used to call some of their children superpredators.

Clinton said that she was out of politics, but would work within the New World Order to restore international institutions, support the international cover up of intelligent life in the universe, and to work with Republicans to build a “balanced international economy.”

“I firmly believe that you should learn to jump off a diving board before you try to jump off Mount Everest.  My opponent wants to jump off Mount Everest blindfolded and holding two feathers.”

After the debate, Sanders hosted a free meet and greet, where deli items were served. Clinton attended an exclusive party where she met with interstellar leaders, and business leaders.

Oklogot, a reporter from the Komkket system, was not pleased with the debate:

“Trump is going to win a second term, and Earth will suffer an environmental disaster. There are no political parties on a dead planet.”

Web Exclusive: Clow UFO Base conducts nuclear war drill (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base held its first nuclear war drill since 1993.

File photo of a Mushroom Cloud.

“It is just a coincidence that we decided to hold a nuclear attack drill for the first time in 24 years,” read a statement from Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “We are not worried about a rogue nation attacking the village that Money Magazine named ‘one of the best places to live in America’.”

The drill started when all the TV screens switched to a “special report” broadcast.  Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz appeared on the screen:

“Hello.  I’m pretending to be President Donald Trump.  My big hands just pressed the big red button—“

Mayor Roger Claar then walked up to Jaskiewicz.

“You are supposed to be playing Kim Jong-un.”

“I think you have a better understanding of him than I do.”

“Very funny, Brzezinski.”

“Jaskiewicz.”

“Whatever.”  Claar then turned towards the camera.  “For this drill, there is a North Korean missile with a nuclear-tipped warhead that will hit Bolingbrook in thirty minutes.  It begins now.”

At first, many aliens visitors didn’t know what to do:

“I thought the Earth custom was to raise your appendages in the air and scream,” said Lexopexo, from Tau Ceti.  “That’s followed by performing acts of vandalism, arson, and looting.  Before I got in trouble, a security officer said that Earthlings follow instructions if they don’t want to be killed.  Since he put it that way, what choice did I have?”

Many staff members, who spoke anonymously, said while they felt unprepared, and some of the procedures were out of date, the drill was a success.

One staffer was proud of her work.  “My job was to gather all the stray pets and children and to get them to a shelter.  You know how there’s always a stray child or pet in the movies that compels someone to risk their lives to save them?  Well, that wasn’t a problem under my watch.”

Oalpogoft from Pluto tried to get back to her craft during the drill.

“I told them that I could intercept the missile and save Bolingbrook.  They refused me access to my hanger.  They said that it was more important to keep aliens a secret to the public than to save thousands of lives.  I told them that was blezede up, but they replied that nuclear war was no big deal.  No big deal?  I told them to ask the survivors of Earth’s two atomic bomb attacks if it was no big deal.  The original inhabitants of Charon thought a nuclear war wouldn’t be a big deal, and now they’re extinct.  Duck and cover didn’t save them.”

After 30 minutes, Claar reappeared on the screens:

“The drill is over.  In our simulation, a 40 MT warhead struck Clow Airport.  We’ve estimated that 7,120 would be killed and 15,390 people would be injured by the blast.  Everyone inside the UFO base would have survived.  Now, had this been an actual nuclear strike, I would be in shock over the deaths of my loved ones and supporters.  Since this is only a drill, I can appreciate the positives.  According to our simulation, the Bolingbrook Golf Club and the Promenade survived the blast.  Survivors will be able to shop, and we can convert the Golf Club into a visitor’s center after we turn the blast site into a memorial park.  It will become a profitable tourist attraction.  Surviving businesses will have to hire new workers, but they can pay them less.  I’ll also have the authority to temporarily suspend the village charter, and rule by decree again.  Sorry, Stankowitz.”

“Jaskiewicz!”

“Close enough.”

Bolingbrook braces for possible Trump coup attempt (Fiction)

Could President Donald Trump attempt a coup to stop the investigations into his administration?  Some Bolingbrook officials and residents say yes.

Will Russian fighters fly over Bolingbrook?

“It is only a matter of time,” said Sam from Bolingbrook Antifa.  “Trump lacks the patience to undermine our democracy slowly.  So he’s going to use either the military, militias, or Russian Special Forces to become the CEO of our country.  Bolingbrook will be ready to resist Fascism.  We have a private network in case the Internet goes down and an alt-right camouflage.  We would like Mayor Roger Claar to support us, but we will oppose him if we have to.”

Bolingbrook resident Dave, who asked that we not use his last name, claimed he saw TSA officers standing guard on Clover LN:

“I walked up to their station, and one of them approached me.  The TSA officer said, ‘This is a test.  In an actual situation, you would have been required to submit to a secondary search.’  I thought he was joking, but he showed me his badge.  I told him it was a free country, and we have the freedom to use sidewalks.  He said, ‘Not for long.’ I walked away because I didn’t want to hear his explanation.”

A DuPage Township employee, who asked to be called Bob, said he saw Supervisor William Mayer overseeing the delivery of crates of MREs:

“I asked him if he was going to feed an army.  He told me not to talk so loud.  I asked if he was serious.  He asked me what I would do if I suspected that an occupying army was coming to Bolingbrook? Would I have supplies ready for them, or would I let them raid the grocery stores?  I’m glad I don’t have to make those decisions.”

Jill, an employee at the Bolingbrook Golf Club, said she overheard Mayor Claar speaking with the chef of the Nest Bar and Grill.  Claar, according to Jill, asked the chef if he could prepare a menu that would “impress a Russian general.”  The chef, according to Jill said he could:

“When he started to ask questions about the Russian general, Roger showed him pictures of his granddaughter, and the chef forgot about his questions.”

Morgan, a long time Bolingbrook resident who asked that we not use his last name, said he was looking forward to the pro-Trump military coup:  “Roger says we need to shake things up in our country.  Nothing shakes things up like our military retaking our country from the Democratic Party!  I can’t wait to use my 150 guns for this patriotic cause!  I hope when it’s over, we get rid of all the amendments and go back to the Constitution of our founders!”

When called for comment, a receptionist for Claar said he was tutoring intern Charlene, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Kekistan Appreciation Day goes too far, Charline!  I’m not putting it on the agenda.”

“Come on, Roger.  Real Trump fans will appreciate your devotion to the cause, and we can make Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz look foolish when he votes no.”

“All of my trustees will vote no once he explains Kekistan to them.  Charline, I need to teach you some tried and true Republican dog whistles.”

“This is the age of Trump.  We don’t need dog whistles anymore.  We can use bullhorns now.”

“Don’t remind me.”

Also in the Babbler:

Female time travelers spotted celebrating announcement of the 13th Doctor
Reptoid arrested for impersonating Mayor Claar
Claar confirms alien AI to visit Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/20/17