Bolingbrook Antifa rescues Trustee Michael Carpanzano (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Antifa claims it rescued Bolingbrook Trustee Michael Carpanzano from unidentified federal officers.

An alleged photo of Bolingbrook Antifa’s tank.

Part of their press release read: “As much as we can’t stand that self-promoting, Trump-loving piece of (*expletive deleted), he didn’t deserve to be captured by Trump’s stormtroopers!  We hope that by giving him a second chance, he will appreciate our efforts to fight fascism!  Though we suspect he’ll instead double down on the Republican party’s efforts to turn the word ‘freedom’ into a meaningless cliche…”

According to various sources connected to Bolingbrook Antifa and Carpanzano, Carpanzano was leaving village hall when masked federal officers stepped out of an unmarked van and accosted him. The officers, each carrying an assault rifle, grabbed Carpanzano and pulled him towards the van.  Carpanzano cried out to nearby police officers, but they ignored him.  

After he was pushed into the van, Carpanzano cried out: “Don’t you know who I am?  I’m Michael Carpanzano, the mayor of Bolingbrook Patch!  Let me go right now, or I’ll block all of you on Facebook.  Trust me, you don’t want to be carped!”

As the van drove away from Village Hall, the anonymous officers accused Carpanzano of being a Black Lives Supporter.  Carpanzano insisted he was a Trump-loving Republican and that he was sure Trump knew who he was.  The officers accused him of lying and showed him a printout of an article about Bolingbrook’s Black Lives Matter march back in June.  

“If you weren’t the organizer of this anti-suburban march, why are you so prominently featured?”

“I was against the march at first, but when it didn’t turn into a riot, I decided I couldn’t resist the opportunity to get positive press coverage!”

Carpanzano, according to the sources, insisted that he loved the police.

“They don’t seem to love you.”

At that point, Bolingbrook’s Antifa tank crashed into the unmarked van.  Activists threw tear gas into the van and pulled Carpanzano out.  The officers tried to recapture Carpanzano but retreated when the activists fired “non-lethal rounds” at them.

“How do you like your own medicine?” one activist yelled back.

The activists treated Carpanzano and drove him back home.  According to the sources, Carpanzano called them “An-tee-fa” and said they were the real fascists.

An activist replied: “Never heard of them.  We are Antifa, as in anti-fascism.  Our great-grandparents fought against fascism, and we’re not going to let their actions be in vain.  Tell (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) to stand up to the coming fascist invasion and remind him that they will always come for you in the end.”

Carpanzano refused to be interviewed.

A receptionist for Claar said he could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Ms. Benson, I highly doubt that the staff of the Babbler shares your opinions about Trans people.  You need to do better than that if you want to shame me into banning Bolingbrook Pride.”

Also in the Babbler:

Venus announces travel ban to Clow UFO Base
Claar bans alien abduction of children due to COVID-19 concerns
Speaker Michael Madigan asks for political asylum on Mars
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/22/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Space Force raids both Bolingbrook Meijer stores (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Space Force commandos based at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base raided Bolingbrook’s Meijer’s stores on Saturday.

According to employees working the night shift, the commandos charged the loading docks armed with laser rifles.  After they secured the docks, Black trucks with black trailers pulled up.  The employees then were ordered to load them.

“They said they were acting on behalf of Donald Trump,” said Joe, who didn’t want his last name published.  “I was okay with that since I’m a Trump supporter and we are in a National Emergency.  Still, did they really need to take all the toilet paper?”

Mary, who refused to give her last name, claims she was stunned by one of the commandos.  “I suspected that they were just seizing supplies to give to Trump’s friends.  Those are essential supplies for Bolingbrook, and I am an essential worker.  So I threw myself on a pallet of hand sanitizer and said they could take this pallet after they pried my dead body off of it.  Then there was a flash, and I woke up on an empty loading dock.  I may be an essential worker, but they sure don’t pay me like one.”

Eyewitnesses say a police officer tried to stop the commandos but failed.  

“He was speeding towards the trucks,” said Paulette X. Milton, a dock worker.  “Over his PA he told the Space Force thieves to drop their weapons.  Instead, they fired warning shots next to the car.  The officer said ‘(Expletive Deleted) then sped off.  At least he tried to save our supplies.”

According to Joe, after the trucks were loaded, one of the commandos played a video message from Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner:

“In the video, Jared thanked us for taking care of ‘our’ supplies.  He said if Space Force had any leftover, they would sell it to us.  We’d get a discount if we didn’t stock any copies of the book Hiding in Plain Sight.  That was really nice of him to offer a discount. He also said something about telling Colin to keep up the good work.  Not sure what that was about, but I guess it’s good that he knows someone in Bolingbrook.”

Later, The Space Force 1st High Border Wall Battalion stationed at Clow UFO Base admitted they took the supplies:

“We are fighting a war with China to take our Moon back!  We will not let China’s space virus bioweapon stop us!  If preventing a Red Moon means civilians will have stinky asses and germ-infested hands, so be it!  MAGA!”

A receptionist for Mayor Roger Claar said he was busy, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a person who sounded like Claar, said: “We have to end this lockdown.  Sales taxes have flatlined.  Restaurant taxes are on life support.  Ulta is putting employees on leave.  Residents will leave, and I’ll be forced to sell the strip malls back to farmers.  I can’t lose my legacy.”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said: “I’m working on a campaign to get all the residents to accept mass testing and to download a COVID tracking app.  Once we can track everyone, we’ll be able to get the economy up and running.”

“Why do we need a campaign?  My residents will download it without question for the good of our village!”

“Obviously you haven’t read the Bolingbrook Politics Facebook group lately.”

Also in the Babbler:

Chicago declares Easter Bunny an “essential worker”
Trustee Carpanzano declares psychic Easter egg hunt a success
Village of Palatine adds new UFO Landing fees
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/18/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Bernie Sanders draws record crowd to Clow UFO Base rally (Fiction)

File photo of Sen. Bernie Sanders. “IMG_5513” by cornstalker is licensed under CC BY 2.0

By Reporter X

Fresh off his victory in the Nevada caucuses, Presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders hosted the largest political rally in the history of Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  The rally was broadcasted live across the solar system.

“The solar system is feeling the burn!” said Sanders.

The crowd chanted, “Bernie or Burn!”  Sanders motioned for the crowd to stop that chant.

“Let’s be clear,” said Sanders.  “We’re not going to literally burn people.  We’re going to give people Medicare for All.  We’re going to reallocate government funds to cancel taxpayers’ student loan debt.  The only thing we’re going to burn is the structure of the corrupt New World Order!”

Sanders called on his supporters to vote in the March 1st Democratic Interplanetary Primary.  The primary is for members of the Democratic party who work off-world but within the solar system. 

“They say, ‘Oh the Interplanetary Primary is a waste of time.  The delegates selected can’t vote until the fourth round of delegate voting.  Why bother?’  I’ll tell you why, because this contested convention will go to the fourth round.  If we can survive the superdelegates and the backroom deals for the first three rounds, the Interplanetary Delegates will push us over the finish line!”

Sanders also praised the Illuminati:

“I have consistently fought for the working class. When the New World Order refused to make changes, I turned to the Illuminati.  We agreed that the current world order doesn’t work, and must be replaced.  It was a natural fit!”

Sanders then pointed to Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar:

“I want to thank my good friend Roger for hosting this fine gathering.”

“Don’t mention it,” Claar yelled back.  “Please….I’m on the verge of becoming a recurring Fox News guest.”

“Good point.  Folks.  The Illuminati is made up of both Democrats and Republicans.  Trump is a member of the Illuminati.  If I get the Democratic nomination, the Illuminati will win the Presidency.”

While Trump is a member of the Illuminati, Sanders did not show him mercy:

“He disrupted the world order, but he has no vision besides kleptocracy!  He is an incompetent fool and a useless tool.  He needs to be replaced before he kills us all!”

Sanders warned that the New World Order will fight dirty to steal the nomination from him:

“They’ve brought in Mike Bloomberg, a switch hitter for the New World Order.  He’s been a Republican.  He’s been a Democrat, but he has always worked for the New World Order.  Chris Matthews, one of their best operatives, compared my campaign to the Nazi invasion of France.  Really?  I have a message to the Bearded Men of the New World Order.  The Nazi’s killed my relatives.  That is a disgusting attack. The American people will see through your desperate lies, and vote out your puppets!”

Later in the speech, Marianne Williamson astrally projected herself onto the stage and endorsed Sanders:

“Sometimes, when great minds transcend reality, they risk becoming irrelevant to reality.  Bernie Sanders is not irrelevant to our reality.  Bernie Sanders is our reality.”

After she vanished, Sanders replied, “Thanks, Marianne.  Now, where was I?”

Sanders concluded by saying all are welcome to join his “revolution:”

“If you want a President who will stand up to the Martian Colonies, come join us.  If you’re tired of being abducted by aliens, come join us.  If you even suspect that you don’t fit into Pete’s narrow moderate ideology, come join us.  If you liked Barack Obama, but think Uncle Joe has lost touch with reality, come join us.  And if you can’t tell if Amy is being nice or Minnesota Nice to you, join our revolution!  All are welcome to help us take back our country.  Fnord!”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar offered a show on Fox Interstellar Network
Church of Christopher Hitchens issues ‘Hitchslap’ to President Trump
Carpanzano android double explodes during ‘Mayoral test run’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/28/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own and may not reflect the views of any organizations I work for or my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Guest Opinion: Now get to work (Mixed)

File image of Congressman Sean Casten.

The following is from a Twitter thread posted by Congressman Sean Casten, who represents the Illinois Sixth Congressional District.  We have made minor edits for clarity. The views expressed do not necessarily reflect the views of the Babbler’s editorial staff or of the bloggers on Freethought Blogs:

Let’s take a moment to rise above the shame of the US Senate this week and focus on some larger scale reasons for optimism about our democracy.

Start with that beautiful and always insightful line of Learned Hand: “Liberty lies in the hearts of men (and women). As long as it remains it needs no court, no constitution, no law to defend it.”

If we’ve learned nothing of our country and fellow citizens since 2016, it’s that liberty still lies in the hearts of Americans:

The majority of Americans, after all, voted for Hillary.

And in response to Trump, the majority of Americans didn’t give up. They marched. For women. For science. For our lives. For our democracy. Peacefully. But righteously. And it was that righteous civic action that flipped the House with the biggest (and dare I say, most awesome?) freshman class since Watergate. And it was that righteous civic action that flipped the Virginia legislature, which gave us the final state required to ratify the ERA. And started the process to rejoin RGGI.

Meanwhile, in the House we have not only ended Trump’s legislative agenda, but advanced an agenda that is not just the Democratic party agenda, but the agenda of the American people.

The bills we have passed have the overwhelming support of the American electorate, Ds and Rs alike. Ensuring universal healthcare. Background checks for guns. Dealing with climate change. Campaign finance reform. These things are popular! This isn’t surprising, since the Democratic members of Congress are as diverse as our country. On the obvious metrics (race, gender, sexual preference) but no less significantly in terms of ideology. The fact that you can go from AOC to Joe Manchin and still be in the same party is a testament to a party that reflects the full diversity of the majority of the country. And that diversity only happened because Americans got engaged after Nov ’16.

This point gets lost in all the silly “Dems in disarray” nonsense. Diverse opinions, held by people with the courage to express them is what democracy is all about. Celebrate it!

Now to be sure, there is no equivalent diversity across the aisle. The ideological walk from Steve King to Peter King is not that long. And the fact that they all stay on message is not that surprising. But it’s not how representative government is supposed to work.

And the fact that all that righteous civic action brought about all this change doesn’t mean that 2020 will be a cakewalk. To the contrary, it will be harder. Because the @GOP – a once great party – has been totally captured by a base and donor class whose interests are wildly opposed by the majority of the country. Absent reform, they have no path to retain power that is not based on lies and disenfranchisement. That’s ultimately what the impeachment trial was about: withhold the truth so we can get back to appointing unqualified judges and protecting those who seek to corrupt our democracy.

What’s on the ballot in 2020 is not a contest between Democrats and Republicans. It is a contest between Democracy and kleptocracy. Between the rule of law and the law of the jungle. But here’s the thing: we have nothing to fear from our 300 million fellow Americans. They’re good people. We’ve just seen 3 years of good people, rising up in peaceful defense of this beautiful, 244-year-old experiment.

Our threat is instead from just a few hundred elected @GOP officials. And that’s a battle we can win. Because while there’s hatred here, it’s dumber…and love has got the numbers.

So yes, be angry at those in the Senate who would destroy our democracy rather than alienate their donors. Who would destroy the institution in order to preserve their job. But take greater solace from the fact that they are in the tiny minority. Their power reflects their position, not the will of those they represent.

So back to Learned Hand, in full:

…what is this liberty which must lie in the hearts of men and women? It is not the ruthless, the unbridled will; it is not freedom to do as one likes. That is the denial of liberty, and leads straight to its overthrow.

“The spirit of liberty is the spirit which is not too sure that it is right; the spirit of liberty is the spirit which seeks to understand the minds of other men and women; the spirit of liberty is the spirit which weighs their interest alongside its own without bias; the spirit of liberty remembers that not even a sparrow falls to earth unheeded; the spirit of liberty is the spirit of him who, near two thousand years ago, taught mankind that lesson it has never learned, but has never quite forgotten—that there may be a kingdom where the least shall be heard and considered side-by-side with the greatest.

I’d say that spirit still lies in the American heart. I wouldn’t have gotten this job if it didn’t. That heart is a bit battered and a bit stressed. But for all that, a bit wiser. So take solace today not in our institutions. Because in the final analysis, they won’t save us. Take solace in the liberty in American hearts that still beats strong and is the only thing that ever has saved us.

Now get to work.

Note: Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group

 

Debate between Rep. Foster and Will County Board Member Rachel Ventura at Clow UFO Base sets new attendance record (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Over 100 thousand humans and aliens attended a contentious Democratic Primary debate at Clow UFO Base between Rep. Bill Foster and challenger Rachel Ventura.  It was largest the political gathering ever held at Clow.

Will County Board Member Rachel Ventura (File Photo)

Unlike the subdued debates the two had with the Sun-Times and the Daily Herald, this debate featured cheering sections for both candidates.  Foster’s contingent included a pep band and cheerleaders, while Ventura’s featured a card stunt team and a person wearing an Earth mascot suit.

“Don’t be afraid to show your campaign spirit,” said Master of Ceremonies John Z. Parker.  “We’re not here to learn about their stances.  We’re here for the verbal combat!  So, cheer on your warrior!”

Ventura’s opening statement accused Foster of being a moderate:

“People in the middle of the road get run over.  For nine years, the Republicans have been running over Bill.  If we’re going to save our planet, we need to start running over Republicans before they lead us to extinction.”

Foster’s opening statement included attacks against Ventura:

“I’m starting to wonder if my opponent is addicted to campaigning.  She ran an unsuccessful camping for Joliet City Council.  Then she ran for the Will County Board and won.  Less than a year into her term, she decided to run against me.  If she’s elected to Congress, I wonder if she’ll resist the urge to run for Mayor of Bolingbrook?”

“Okay, Boomer,” replied Ventura.

Later in the debate, the moderator asked the candidates how each felt about the deteriorating relations between Earth and the Martian Colonies since President Trump’s election. Ventura shocked the audience by calling residents of the colonies “Martians.”

“Do you understand that they prefer to call themselves ‘Colonists’?” asked the moderator.

“Yes, and honestly, I don’t care what those pretentious aliens think.  Bill Foster cares more about the hurt feelings of some Martian politician than he cares about the suffering of his constituents.  That’s why I support the Green New Deal.”

Representative Bill Foster (File Photo)

“The Colonies is the most advanced civilization in the galaxy and the most hostile towards humanity,” countered Foster.  “We don’t want to provoke them into annihilating us.  Calling them ‘Martians’ instead of their preferred term, ‘Colonists’ is not only rude but irresponsible.  How would you like it if I said I couldn’t tell the difference between you and a Lactobacillus?”

“10-4 Dinosaur,” replied Ventura.

When the moderator asked both candidates to discuss who has endorsed them, Ventura proudly mentioned former Presidential candidate Marianne Williamson’s endorsement. 

Williamson then astrally projected herself onto the stage:

“Fellow sentient creatures,” announced Williamson.  “I declare this debate over, and Rachel Ventura the winner.  I know she will lead the fight against draconian vaccine requirements, and endlessly investigate the scam of anti-depressant drugs!

“Um,” said Ventura, “You’re not really helping me right now.”

“Oh?  Well, then I’ll just say that all illness is an illusion and the key to universal health care is to dispel the illusion!”

“That doesn’t help either.”

“My fellow sentient creatures!  I am being glib.  Disregard what I just said.”  She then vanished.

Foster chuckled.  “You’re not the only one who’s been endorsed by fringe Presidential candidates.”

Andrew Yang then walked on stage.  After the audience cheered for a minute, he offered to spray whipped cream into Foster’s mouth.  Foster declined.  Yang then endorsed Foster:  “Bill is the co-chair of the Task Force on Artificial Intelligence.  That means he’s the only candidate in this race who understands one of the most important issues of the 21st Century.  Artificial intelligence will affect all Americans, including the residents of the 11th Congressional District.  That is why it would be dumb to vote for anyone other than Bill Foster.”

“Artificial Intelligence?” asked Ventura.  “Oh please!  Both of you are out of touch with the real residents of my district.  That’s why my campaign created a YouTube video making fun of Foster’s A.I. phobia!”

“Rachel, despite all your bluster, you’re just a politician.  Let me break down the math—”

“I’m a mathematician!  Don’t you dare mansplain to me! I’ll break it down for you.  Is AI keeping our families from getting health care?”

Depends.  Doctors can refuse to see patients in order to improve their scores, but AI could also help doctors make quicker diagnoses, and provide personalized treatments.  That would be a benefit to the residents of your district.”

“Will AI stop climate change?”

“AI is an important tool in the fight against climate change.  AI powers climate models and can be used to develop the technologies and techniques that will be needed to fight climate change.  And since you didn’t ask— automation will affect all congressional districts, no matter what Paul Krugman says.  What are you going to say when automated trucks replace truck drivers, and robots replace warehouse workers?”

“I won’t go down the robot rabbit hole.  Our district will only be saved by the Green New Deal!”

“The only thing that will save the world is a Freedom Dividend.”

“Green New Deal!”

“Freedom Dividend!”

After repeating those words for several seconds, Yang was escorted off stage.

Near the end of the debate, both candidates defended their secret society memberships.  Foster is a member of the New World Order, and Ventura is a member of the Illuminati.  Both societies are at war with each other.

“The Illuminati is winning the world against the global order,” said Ventura.  “They are the only hope for our planet.  I look forward to working with AOC and (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) to navigate the chaos and create better communities in our district.  Fnord!”

“Yes the New World Order has flaws,” said Foster.  “But embracing the Illuminati is not the answer.  They are creating chaos and division so they can exploit us.  They don’t want to solve climate change.  They want to exploit it.  If you want a better world after climate change, then vote for me, and I’ll help bring about the right changes at the right pace to get the job done.  Don’t let them divide us.  Let the New World Order unite us.  E Pluribus Unum!”

After the debate, both sides sent representatives to try to spin the interstellar media’s coverage of the debate.

“Bill has always been here for us,” said Will County Board member Jackie Traynere.  “He’s like the doctor who knows what you need, rather than the doctor who will give what you want.  We need more representatives like him.”

“I don’t like Democrats,” said Claar.  “But I love what Rachel’s doing to Bill Foster.”

Many in the audience found the debate entertaining:

“I loved hearing the dueling talking points,” Said Xidoxo, who would not state her home planet.  “Too bad Trump is going to be crowned dictator in a week or so.  He’ll probably arrest the winner of this primary.”

Also in the Babbler:

Russia spares Chicagoland again
Deputy Mayor Lawler accidentally activated Clow self-destruct system
Claar:  I won’t shutdown Bolingbrook because of a coronavirus
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/31/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Four Space Force Marines from Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base missing after ‘retaliatory’ strike against Jupiter (Fiction)

File photo of Jupiter provided by NASA.

By Reporter X

Four Space Force marines stationed at Clow UFO Base are missing following a “retaliatory strike” against the planet Jupiter.

Lieutenant Colonel Blake Z. Bush, during a press conference with the interstellar media, said: “We believe these men are still alive…And I believe they are inflicting Trump’s revenge as we speak.”  Bush is the commander of the 1st High Border Wall Battalion stationed at Clow. 

Bush said the Space Force decided to strike Jupiter moments after a meteor disintegrated over Bolingbrook.  Bush explained why:

“For billions of years, Jupiter has maliciously targeted Earth.  We decided that enough is enough, and President Trump gave us permission to strike back!  Our operation proved that we are making America great again.”

The marines in the audience replied in unison: “MAGA!”

According to Bush, a Space Force fleet launched 10 nuclear warheads at Jupiter, then dropped 20 paratroopers into Jupiter’s atmosphere.  The fleet has been unable to contact them.  Members of Fireteam Bannon from the 1st High Border Wall are among the missing paratroopers.

Bush refused to name the members, but played a video of their descent towards Jupiter.  In the video, the squad dives headfirst towards the planet, firing their particle weapons on full auto.  As a fireball formed around each member, they cried out: “MAGA!”

“Lock her up!”  The marines in the audience replied.  

The video ends with the marines disappearing into the clouds.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar collected himself for a few moments before commenting.  “The President had good intelligence that Jupiter was planning an imminent strike against Bolingbrook.  I pray that these good men are saving Republican—I mean innocent lives, as we speak.  They are truly making America great, and I am blessed that I will be forever remembered as the Trump Mayor!”

The marines present cheered.

“If you’re an Illinois resident,” added Claar.  “Don’t forget to vote for me to be a Trump delegate at this year’s Republican convention.”

Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the opposition Bolingbrook United Party, interrupted the press conference to criticize the Space Force:

“They aren’t missing.  They’re dead!  We’re not even sure if Jupiter has a solid surface!  Sure, we may live in a strange universe, but that doesn’t mean Jupiter is sentient.  It can’t make a choice to shield or target Earth.  Let’s be honest here:  Our President sent those men to their deaths for nothing!  It’s just a political stunt to make weak people feel tough.”

“Bob,” replied Claar.  “Just shut up and let me do the talking.  Be more like (Trustee Maria Zarate) and (Trustee Mary Basta).

Both trustees nervously smiled and slightly waved their hands while armed marines glared at them.

When reached for comment, a receptionist for Claar said he was busy and didn’t have time for an interview.

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer, said: “Igor!  Here’s the guy from Hoffman Estates we were talking about.  Mark, read what you wrote on Facebook.”

A man who sounded like School District 211 Board Member Mark Cramer cleared his throat and snarkily said: “Gonna be a GREAT Democratic Primary…. ‘I am the MOST liberal socialist running for the 54th’”

Spencer then said: “See Igor.  I told you he wasn’t one of my bots.”

“Impressive,” said Igor over a computer speaker.  “But he sounds too extremely conservative to be elected in the US.”

Cramer replied, “But I did win an election.  So I believe you can never be too conservative.”

Also in the Babbler: 

Claar take credit for defending Bolingbrook against Russian snow attack
Interplanetary primary postponed
Bolingbrook residents protest lifting of anti-matter restrictions at Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/15/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

US Space Force Marines deployed to Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Days after Congress recognized the Space Force, One-thousand Space Force Marines marched into Clow UFO Base. They were chanting: “MAGA,” “Trump for Life,” and “Submit, don’t resist!”  These marines will use Clow as their base of operations.

During a welcoming ceremony, Bolingbrook Mayor (and Clow Administrator) Roger Claar, said: “I’ve always believed in providing the best security. Now Clow has an extra layer of security.”

The marines marched through most of Clow, including Embassy Row.  Opinions about the march varied among those who watched:

“I had to make sure I wasn’t in Earth’s past,” said Abraham, a resident of the Interstellar Tribes of Israel.   “We’ve been away for centuries, but even we know that authoritarianism can lead to terrible things.”

“I love it!” said AxlJoisgo, a resident of Teegarden C.  “I’m happy to see that humanity’s hippie generation has grown up to endorse law and order!  Okay, boomers!”

First Lady Melania Trump addressed the marines during the welcoming ceremony:

“Space Force will be our country’s first line of defense against Space ISIS!  That is why I am ordering Space Force Marines deployed to every UFO Base in our great country.  The administrators have a choice: Either you will open your doors to us, or we will force them open!”

While President Trump granted Melania authority over all UFO Bases in the United States, her authority is only recognized in Illuminati controlled bases.

Bolingbrook United, Bolingbrook’s opposition party, accused Claar of using the marines to intimidate their consulate staff:

“Our building is now surrounded by Space Force Marines,” read a press release from Bolingbrook United. “Our staff now have to pass through extra checkpoints and answer intrusive questions.  Roger, you may have won the last election, but we are still the future.”

Clow’s public relations office released a statement in reply.  Part of it read: “The marines are here to protect Clow.  If Bolingbrook United doesn’t show more respect to the brave men of Space Force, we may not respect the safety of their property or their staff.”

A few Clow employees, speaking anonymously, claim that Space Force Marines are aiming artillery at Chicago, Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base, and Peotone’s UFO Base.  Some claimed to have heard marines talk about their urban combat training.

“Unless they’re planning on attacking the Martian Colonies,” said one anonymous staff member, “I suspect they’re talking about fighting battles on Earth.  I hope I’m wrong, and that Trump isn’t going to use the Space Force to get revenge for being impeached.”

A message from Space Force Command stated that “Normies who behave have nothing to fear.”

A receptionist for Claar denied the existence of Clow UFO Base, and the existence of Space Marines:

“I wonder what you guys are going to do once Roger retires in 2021?”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Charlene, I don’t know how you got Jackie’s secret mayoral platform from 2017.”

A woman who sounded like Covert Social Media Operative Charlene Spencer replied: “Let’s just say I believe in a foreign power.”

“Don’t say any more.  Okay, we’ve co-opted her Village Manager plank.  What else can we co-opt?”

“Ban political contributions from vendors who do business with the village?”

“We can do that.  They can donate to my political action committee instead.”

“End no bid contracting?”

“We can do that.  The bidding process will just waste the new mayor’s time.”

“Sell the Bolingbrook Golf Club?”

“(Expletive Deleted) that!”

Also in the Babbler:

 Claar supporter hospitalized after Jackie Traynere tells him he exists
Trustee Michael Carpanzano denies plans to cap chiropractors in Bolingbrook
Mayor Claar: Running over liberals is still a crime
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/26/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.

Mayor Claar tells Congressional committee that Trump wanted him to investigate Biden family (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar admitted before the House Appropriations Sub-subcommittee on Nail and Thumbtack Spending that President Trump asked him to investigate the Biden family.

“He said he was willing to spare Clow UFO Base,” Claar reluctantly said, “in exchange for dirt on Joe Biden.”  Claar quickly added: “I never told the President that I would tell a big lie for him.”

“Did you mention the possibility of small lies?” – asked Representative Brad Schneider.

“I’ll take the fifth with some Jack with a coke,” replied Claar.

The sub-subcommittee, which oversees all US Government UFO spending and Interstellar policy, subpoenaed Claar as part of its impeachment investigation into Donald Trump.  Claar replied that the President told him not to honor the subpoena because “his Supreme Court was going to declare Congress unconstitutional”. Claar then added that because he had a book deal with an interstellar publisher, he also had “Book Deal Immunity.”

“Book Deal immunity applies to self-published books as well as traditionally published books.  Testifying before the committee will deny me the opportunity to pursue happiness, which is unconstitutional.  The government does not have the right to compel spoilers!”

The members of the Sub-subcommittee flew to Clow UFO Base and booked a meeting room.  A Martian Colonial battleship then beamed Claar from his office at Village Hall.

Beth, who asked that we not use her last name, saw Claar as he was being abducted:

“He flipped off the space craft and said: ‘I’ll talk, but you won’t like what I have to say.’  He was not in a good mood.”

Once in the meeting room, Claar refused to be sworn in, and made several unprintable comments about the “Democrat Party Impeachment Witch Hunt.” When threatened with imprisonment by one Phobos, Claar laughed.  After the Martian Colonial Ambassador walked into the room, Claar stopped laughing and agreed to be sworn in. 

During the two hour hearing, Claar testified that Trump asked him 10 times for information on the Bidens.  Trump, according to Claar, explicitly threatened to cut off Clow funding if he did not conduct a favorable investigation.  Claar went on to say that Trump dropped his demands once the impeachment investigation started:

“He failed to commit a crime, therefore it’s not a crime, and this hearing is illegitimate.  Can I go back to work?”

Rep. Sean Casten asked Claar what his investigation found.  Claar replied that the former Vice-president only visited Clow UFO Base once, and accidentally called it “Cow UFO Base.”

“He corrected himself, and it was kind of funny.  Other than that, we’re unfortunately not aware of him doing anything illegal.”

The Sub-subcommittee’s Republican members harshly questioned Claar:

“Did you hear Trump say he was going to take away your funding?” asked Rep. Mike Simpson.

“Yes.”

“So we can call your evidence ‘hearsay,’ don’t you agree?”

“I guess.”

“So what are you doing providing hearsay evidence to this committee?”

“You’re behind the curve, Congressman.  Our current talking point is that Trump did nothing wrong.”

“My apologies, Roger.”

Congresswoman Martha Roby accused Claar of being a “Never-Trump Republican” and pretending to be a Trump supporter for political gain.

“Don’t you think a real Trump supporter would be consulting Stephen Miller about their community’s demographic problem?”

File photo of Mayor Claar at a Prakash Utsav celebration in Bolingbrook.

Claar denounced Roby: “I was a Republican before you were even born, and I will be a Republican when I die.  The only thing I gained from Trump was a close election.  Look, every real Bolingbrook resident loves me and I use that love to promote the Republican party.  In fact, I’m so loved that our local Sikh community made me a Turban, and I’m honored to have that title!  I think I’m the first Republican Turban in Bolingbrook’s history!”

“Do you really—”

“Right now, the only thing I really care about is Trump staging a coup so we can get past this impeachment nonsense.”

After the hearing, Claar refused to comment to the press.

Schneider said Claar was helpful: “We suspected that Trump’s corruption extended to the stars, and Roger proved it.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook High School advances to the interplanetary football finals
Trustee Jaskiewicz accuses Claar of diverting funds to the wereskunks
Clow UFO Base will not change the name of its Holiday Concert
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/20/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Mayor Claar honors QAnon at Illuminati ceremony (Fiction)

(Content Notice: Mention of Jeffrey Epstein)

Bolingbrook Mayor honored controversial Illuminati propagandist QAnon at a secret ceremony at Bolingbrook Golf Club.

A red Q with "5:5" printed inside.

Qanon graphic

With QAnon standing behind him, Claar announced that to celebrate her promotion to the rank of religious cult leader, he was giving her: a trophy; unlimited drinks for life at Tailgaters; free dining for life at the Bolingbrook Golf Club; and $1000 worth of Ulta products. Claar also announced that he was ordering all of Bolingbrook’s covert agencies to recognize September as QAnon Month.

“She has done more to promote chaos in this country than any other operative,” said Claar.  “When the United States falls and Illinois is dissolved, future Bolingbrook residents will look back at QAnon’s first post as the event that led to their liberation.  Ford!”

After Claar performed the Sacred Glowing Orb Ceremony, QAnon thanked Claar for the honor, and then thanked Jeffrey Epstein for “taking me to the next level.”

QAnon then said, “Some of my followers were having doubts when my predictions weren’t coming true.  But I kept going because I knew that somewhere out there was a billionaire behaving badly.  They all behave badly because no one is going to stop them.  Jeffrey pulled through for me, big time.  Then he killed himself before his trial, which was even better for me.  Now people on the Left and Right are coming up with conspiracy theories to explain his death.  The truth is I had nothing to do with it, but boy am I going to reap the benefits from people who believe I predicted his death.  Honestly, I just believe in the power of human incompetence, and the ingenuity of billionaires who don’t want to face the consequences of their actions. Did you know that 1/3 of prison suicides occur when prisoners are on suicide watch?”

QAnon then looked down at the floor and said: “Hey Jeffrey, if you see my dad down there, tell him to go (expletive deleted) himself!”

QAnon then said while she was honored to be designated as a cult leader, she still has bigger plans:

“I love that video where the woman says: ‘Q is you.  Q is me.’  It makes me happy as can be.  It’s okay to laugh.  Anyway, I want to transform my cult into a major religion.  Some in the Illuminati say it’s impossible.  I say if I can persuade people to believe that Trump and (Robert Mueller) are working together, J.P. Morgan sunk the Titanic, everyone opposed to Trump is a pedophile, and that freedom means supporting a military coup, then I can become the next Jesus, Mohammad, or Buddha!”

After QAnon concluded her speech, Trustee Michael Carpanzano announced that he was selling QAnon products:

“We will ban the sale of marijuana in Bolingbrook, but we will never ban the sale of QAnon products.  Because I care!”

“That’s sweet,” replied QAnon.  “So I hope you don’t mind that my next post will say that you’re working with (Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz) to liberate Bolingbrook from Deep State Operatives Jaime Olson and Carol Penning, who are secretly controlling Roger.  Oh, I think I’ll add that Heart Haven Outreach is controlled by (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere).”

“That doesn’t make any sense!”

“Trust me.”

Also in the Babbler:

Clow security fires tear gas at pro-marijuana space aliens
Citizens for a Beautiful Bolingbrook promise not to throw politicians into dumpsters
Residents warned to watch out for extraterrestrial weeds
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/15/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Mike Gravel arrested at Clow UFO Base during the Interplanetary Democratic debate (Fiction)

By Reporter X

During the Interplanetary Democratic Presidential Primary Debate at Clow UFO Base, Mike Gravel became the first candidate to be arrested on stage.

“In this crowded field,” said Gravel, a former US Senator from Alaska,  “You have to make a splash.  Boy did I make one tonight.”

The incident occurred when Gravel, along with Mayor Wayne Messam, Joe Sestak, Rep. Seth Moulton, and Gov. Steve Bullock, were asked a question by Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar:

“Your unqualified surrogates are oppressing me by running for office.  I’ve done nothing wrong.  My foes think it’s wrong to accept donations from people who do business with the village and to endorse Donald Trump.  They’re wrong!  Not only are they wrong, but they’re forcing my party to campaign before the elections.  It is an insult to me, and a diversion of funds that I could have spent on dinners, cars or donations to other Republicans.  So my questions is this:  If elected, will you pay me reparations for all the suffering your party has caused me?”

All the candidates, except Gravel, offered nuanced views on slavery reparations.  Gravel chose to silently stare at Claar for several uncomfortable moments.  He then walked backstage and returned holding a large rock.  Gravel then walked up to the edge of the stage and dropped the rock into a tub of water.  The resulting splash nearly hit Mayor Claar.

“You may not be in Washington,” yelled Gravel.  “But you contribute to the problem of big money in politics too!”

Claar then ordered Gravel’s arrest.  As the Men in Blue approached, Gravel said, “As a presidential candidate, I have diplomatic immunity!”

“Revoked!” replied Claar.

As Gravel was dragged off the stage, he yelled, “Aliens wrote my platform!  Teenagers run my campaign!  You can take my freedom, but you can’t take away my message!”

“I don’t want it.”

Gravel supporters in the audience started chanting, “It’s about damn time!”  Which was Gravel’s slogan for his interstellar campaign in 2008.

Gravel was released after the debate

and given a warning by Claar.

“The Illuminati and New World Order are at war,” said Claar.  “Keeping Gravel in a holding cell would only make things worse.  Personally, I think he should join the Illuminati because he is an excellent agent of chaos.  Ford!”

Earlier in the debate, Gravel brushed aside attacks that he would be too polarizing as a President:  “I’m bipartisan.  I’ve run for President as both a Libertarian and as a Democrat.”

“You’re dangerous!” replied Moulton.  “You’re to the left of (House Speaker Nancy Pelosi)!  People like you are why the Republicans are calling us Socialist!  If I’m the nominee, the Republicans won’t call us names.”  

Gravel laughed.

“They’ll call you anything they want to, you spineless corporate Democrat.”

“No, because I’m willing to split my support between Democrats and Republicans like a true centrist should!”

“You are a living example of why Lawful Neutral is the worst alignment in D and D!”

All the candidates agreed to keep the presence of extraterrestrials on Earth a secret.

Sestak stated: “In 2013, 36 percent of Americans believed in UFOs.  Now over half of Americans believe in UFOs.  Trump is making matters worse by having the Navy openly talk about UFOs.  Not only is Trump alienating our allies, but he’s also alienating aliens!”

All the candidates disagreed when asked if they were hurting the Democratic Party by running for President instead of the Senate.

“If a spiritual advisor can run for President,” said Messam, “Then I can run for President.  I’ve won more elections than she has, and I live in a battleground state.  Let the voters decide.”

“If the voters decide against me,” stated Bullock,  “I’ll still have enough supporters to make a living by putting my name on ghostwritten books!”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook residents perform unsuccessful anti-rain dance
Hidden Lakes Monster captured in the DuPage River
Trustee Michael Carpanzano denies calling Jackie Traynere a space alien
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/4/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction.