Aliens banned from trick or treating in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

By Reporter X

For the first time since 1988, space aliens have been barred from trick or treating in Bolingbrook.

“Melania Trump, who is the director of the United States Office of UFO Base Operations, issued a new set of directives,” read the press release from Clow UFO Base.  “Based on these directives, we have decided not to allow trick or treating by our visitors.”

Sources within Clow UFO Base provided copies of Melania’s directives.  While the documents do not directly specify Trick or Treating, they do stress that UFO Bases under Illuminati control must not “allow aliens to take ‘anything of value’ from resident humans without filling out impact statements.”

“It’s just too much bureaucracy,”  said an anonymous Clow official.  “Since it’s essentially aliens taking candy away from Bolingbrook’s children, we decided not to bother.  Think of it as (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) putting Bolingbrook’s kids first.”

Plojakwil, a resident of Kepler-62f, said she was disappointed in the ruling.

“I spend months crammed inside Clow UFO base for my job.  They just canceled the one time of year I get to go outside without a costume.  Thanks, Roger.”

Javekodosh, a scientist for the Interstellar Commonwealth, says the ban will hurt interstellar research:

“We can observe from a distance, we can insert probes, and we can consume your media.  Nothing, however, takes the place of face to face interactions with humans.  Some our best sociology studies of humans involved trick or treating.  This decision will hurt science in Bolingbrook.”

Javekodosh also questioned the rationale for the ban:

“If there are more trick or treaters, it means residents will have to buy more candy.  Increasing candy sales will help local businesses. More residents may consider handing out candy.  That means more candy for Bolingbrook’s children.”

Plojakwil says she plans on trick or treating in Rochelle instead:

“I’m taking my business to Hub 35 and the New World Order.  They allow us to trick or treat and the staff there are nicer.  If Roger doesn’t stand up to the Trumps, Clow will lose money.”

When reached for comment, a receptionist for Claar said: “Trick or Treating this year is allowed on October 31st from 4 PM to 7 PM.  Make sure you accompany your children or have a responsible teen to keep an eye on them.”

In the background, a woman who sounded like the unofficial advisor Charline Spencer said: “Senators Bob Corker and Jeff Flake have scored political points by distancing themselves from Trump.  You could—“

A man who sounded like Claar replied, “They’re quitters.  Do I look like a quitter?”

Also in the Babbler:

Black cats call for compassion during Halloween
Bolingbrook witches promise to protect village from evil spirits
Claar bans Nazi costumes in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/1/17

Clow UFO Base bans Colin Kaepernick from exhibition football game (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The Department of Paranormal Affairs banned Colin Kaepernick from playing in the Clow UFO Base exhibition football game. It is scheduled for November 3rd.

“It has nothing to do with his perceived disrespect for the great and noble flag of the United States,” read the press release to interstellar media outlets.  “Colin is simply not eligible to be a player in the game because he has not officially retired from the NFL. Until he officially retires, he will not be allowed on the base.”

The game, Started in 1990, features NFL and college players.  Instead of wearing pads and helmets, players wear personal force fields.  No one has been injured during a game.

Randy X. Miller, the coach of the Blue Team, tried to draft Kaepernick.

“This decision is outrageous,” said Miller.  “The rule states that players must be out of the NFL at the time of the game with little chance of being signed by a team.  It does not say that a player has to announce his retirement.  This decision has nothing to do with that rule.  This decision has everything to do with Kaepernick refusing to stand for the National Anthem.  We don’t play it anyway during this game!”

The press release also reads: “Bolingbrook is known for its patriotic themed golf club and the proudly named Americana Estates luxury homes.  Mayor Roger Claar, who knew both President Ronald Reagan and President Donald Trump, is a proud American who knows when to stand and when to put his right hand on his heart.  He also knows that freedom is not the freedom to do whatever you want.”

Travis Z. Nelson, the coach of the Green Team, supports the ruling:

“Sure racism is bad, but Trump is the President, and we have to support our President.  It’s time to say to say to the universe that we are not ashamed of electing him president, and what are you going to do about it?  Oops.  Maybe I shouldn’t have said that.  Can you change that to read politics has nothing to do with sports, and we are proud to be starting Brett Farve, the best inactive quarterback out there?”

Some longtime fans of the game are threatening to boycott the game, including Xikobeet:

“I come to this Clow game, so I can experience football the way thousands of select rich humans see the regular game.  If they’re not going to play the best players because one of them is protesting racism, then why bother?  I can just fly over Soldier Field and watch the Bears lose from the comfort of my spacecraft.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar could not be reached for comment, but Trustee Michael Lawler said:

“You know, when I was appointed to the Village Board, Bolingbrook was a washed out— Damnit.  I did it again.  Well, whatever you’re writing about, just remember that I support Roger!”

Also in the Babbler:

Support victims of hurricane season 2017
Mayor Claar:  I will get my flags back!
Trustee Jaskiewicz vows to protect Asteroid 153289 Rebeccawatson from Mayor Claar
Lost Jewish Tribes to send battleships to protect local synagogues during Yom Kippur
God will spare Bolingbrook this week

Rochelle Reader: Clinton and Sanders clash at Hub 35 UFO Base (Fiction)

Note:  This article is from the Rochelle Reader, our sister publication in Rochelle, IL.

Sen. Bernie Sanders and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton resumed their attacks against each other during their debate at Hub 35 UFO Base:

“My opponent wants a revolution,” said Clinton.  “You know, when I think of revolutions, I think of Mao, Stalin, Hitler, and Pol Pot!  As the great philosopher John Lennon once said, ‘You can count me out!’ ”

Sanders countered: “When I think of revolution, I think of George Washington, Gandhi, Emma Goldman, and Martin Luther King, Jr.  Incidentally, I would have marched ahead of Dr. King if there weren’t so many people blocking my way!”

Clinton later said that she accepted responsibility for her Electoral College defeat. Next, she proceeded to blame Russia, James Comey, the media, Saturday Night Live, the Green Party, The Young Turks, Sanders, and the Illuminati.

“Since the 1980s, the Illuminati have chosen each major party’s nominee; then the New World Order proceeds to influence the general election.  When the Illuminati selected Donald Trump, I thought they were handing me the presidency.  I didn’t realize they were actually plotting to overthrow the New World Order and unleash chaos upon the world.”

Sanders agreed, then counterattacked: “If you had just campaigned in Wisconsin, you could have overpowered the Illuminati’s spells, and won.  I supported you in the general election, and you not only let the world down, but you also let the galaxy down.  We were on the verge of being invited to the Galactic Commonwealth, and now Trump is considering closing off all contact with our Interstellar Comrades.”

Clinton snapped back: “You didn’t support me until you forced me to put your imaginary ponies in the Democratic platform.  Before you finally endorsed me, your supporters protested on the floor of the convention and reminded moderates of the 1968 convention.  Then you refused to have me nominated by acclamation.  You cost me the election!”

“You cost yourself the election when the Democratic National Committee worked with the Illuminati to defeat me.  I should have won the nomination, and I could have stopped the Illuminati uprising.”

Clinton laughed.  “I won the popular vote in the Democratic primary, and I would have won more states if it weren’t for the caucus states.  I’m sorry, but my supporters don’t want to be in a room with men threatening to throw chairs at them.”

“Winning the popular vote did a lot of good for you.”

When members of the interstellar press asked how they each wanted to move forward,  each offered a different path.  Sanders said he would fight for full membership in the Commonwealth, pass his version of single payer health care, and focus on the working class:

“The Democrats have focused too much on petty differences.  Who cares if you are LBGXYZ?  Who cares what color your skin is?  The only thing that matters is having a social safety net like the rest of Europe.  Then we can aspire to be protected by the Interstellar Commonwealth.  It’s time to think bold!  We are one human race.”

Clinton shook her head.  “Socialism doesn’t fix bigotry.  Just look at the rise of the far right in Europe.  We should not surrender our party’s values to please a basket full of deplorable Trump supporters.  I’m proud to support minorities, even if I used to call some of their children superpredators.

Clinton said that she was out of politics, but would work within the New World Order to restore international institutions, support the international cover up of intelligent life in the universe, and to work with Republicans to build a “balanced international economy.”

“I firmly believe that you should learn to jump off a diving board before you try to jump off Mount Everest.  My opponent wants to jump off Mount Everest blindfolded and holding two feathers.”

After the debate, Sanders hosted a free meet and greet, where deli items were served. Clinton attended an exclusive party where she met with interstellar leaders, and business leaders.

Oklogot, a reporter from the Komkket system, was not pleased with the debate:

“Trump is going to win a second term, and Earth will suffer an environmental disaster. There are no political parties on a dead planet.”

Web Exclusive: Clow UFO Base conducts nuclear war drill (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base held its first nuclear war drill since 1993.

File photo of a Mushroom Cloud.

“It is just a coincidence that we decided to hold a nuclear attack drill for the first time in 24 years,” read a statement from Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “We are not worried about a rogue nation attacking the village that Money Magazine named ‘one of the best places to live in America’.”

The drill started when all the TV screens switched to a “special report” broadcast.  Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz appeared on the screen:

“Hello.  I’m pretending to be President Donald Trump.  My big hands just pressed the big red button—“

Mayor Roger Claar then walked up to Jaskiewicz.

“You are supposed to be playing Kim Jong-un.”

“I think you have a better understanding of him than I do.”

“Very funny, Brzezinski.”

“Jaskiewicz.”

“Whatever.”  Claar then turned towards the camera.  “For this drill, there is a North Korean missile with a nuclear-tipped warhead that will hit Bolingbrook in thirty minutes.  It begins now.”

At first, many aliens visitors didn’t know what to do:

“I thought the Earth custom was to raise your appendages in the air and scream,” said Lexopexo, from Tau Ceti.  “That’s followed by performing acts of vandalism, arson, and looting.  Before I got in trouble, a security officer said that Earthlings follow instructions if they don’t want to be killed.  Since he put it that way, what choice did I have?”

Many staff members, who spoke anonymously, said while they felt unprepared, and some of the procedures were out of date, the drill was a success.

One staffer was proud of her work.  “My job was to gather all the stray pets and children and to get them to a shelter.  You know how there’s always a stray child or pet in the movies that compels someone to risk their lives to save them?  Well, that wasn’t a problem under my watch.”

Oalpogoft from Pluto tried to get back to her craft during the drill.

“I told them that I could intercept the missile and save Bolingbrook.  They refused me access to my hanger.  They said that it was more important to keep aliens a secret to the public than to save thousands of lives.  I told them that was blezede up, but they replied that nuclear war was no big deal.  No big deal?  I told them to ask the survivors of Earth’s two atomic bomb attacks if it was no big deal.  The original inhabitants of Charon thought a nuclear war wouldn’t be a big deal, and now they’re extinct.  Duck and cover didn’t save them.”

After 30 minutes, Claar reappeared on the screens:

“The drill is over.  In our simulation, a 40 MT warhead struck Clow Airport.  We’ve estimated that 7,120 would be killed and 15,390 people would be injured by the blast.  Everyone inside the UFO base would have survived.  Now, had this been an actual nuclear strike, I would be in shock over the deaths of my loved ones and supporters.  Since this is only a drill, I can appreciate the positives.  According to our simulation, the Bolingbrook Golf Club and the Promenade survived the blast.  Survivors will be able to shop, and we can convert the Golf Club into a visitor’s center after we turn the blast site into a memorial park.  It will become a profitable tourist attraction.  Surviving businesses will have to hire new workers, but they can pay them less.  I’ll also have the authority to temporarily suspend the village charter, and rule by decree again.  Sorry, Stankowitz.”

“Jaskiewicz!”

“Close enough.”

Bolingbrook braces for possible Trump coup attempt (Fiction)

Could President Donald Trump attempt a coup to stop the investigations into his administration?  Some Bolingbrook officials and residents say yes.

Will Russian fighters fly over Bolingbrook?

“It is only a matter of time,” said Sam from Bolingbrook Antifa.  “Trump lacks the patience to undermine our democracy slowly.  So he’s going to use either the military, militias, or Russian Special Forces to become the CEO of our country.  Bolingbrook will be ready to resist Fascism.  We have a private network in case the Internet goes down and an alt-right camouflage.  We would like Mayor Roger Claar to support us, but we will oppose him if we have to.”

Bolingbrook resident Dave, who asked that we not use his last name, claimed he saw TSA officers standing guard on Clover LN:

“I walked up to their station, and one of them approached me.  The TSA officer said, ‘This is a test.  In an actual situation, you would have been required to submit to a secondary search.’  I thought he was joking, but he showed me his badge.  I told him it was a free country, and we have the freedom to use sidewalks.  He said, ‘Not for long.’ I walked away because I didn’t want to hear his explanation.”

A DuPage Township employee, who asked to be called Bob, said he saw Supervisor William Mayer overseeing the delivery of crates of MREs:

“I asked him if he was going to feed an army.  He told me not to talk so loud.  I asked if he was serious.  He asked me what I would do if I suspected that an occupying army was coming to Bolingbrook? Would I have supplies ready for them, or would I let them raid the grocery stores?  I’m glad I don’t have to make those decisions.”

Jill, an employee at the Bolingbrook Golf Club, said she overheard Mayor Claar speaking with the chef of the Nest Bar and Grill.  Claar, according to Jill, asked the chef if he could prepare a menu that would “impress a Russian general.”  The chef, according to Jill said he could:

“When he started to ask questions about the Russian general, Roger showed him pictures of his granddaughter, and the chef forgot about his questions.”

Morgan, a long time Bolingbrook resident who asked that we not use his last name, said he was looking forward to the pro-Trump military coup:  “Roger says we need to shake things up in our country.  Nothing shakes things up like our military retaking our country from the Democratic Party!  I can’t wait to use my 150 guns for this patriotic cause!  I hope when it’s over, we get rid of all the amendments and go back to the Constitution of our founders!”

When called for comment, a receptionist for Claar said he was tutoring intern Charlene, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Kekistan Appreciation Day goes too far, Charline!  I’m not putting it on the agenda.”

“Come on, Roger.  Real Trump fans will appreciate your devotion to the cause, and we can make Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz look foolish when he votes no.”

“All of my trustees will vote no once he explains Kekistan to them.  Charline, I need to teach you some tried and true Republican dog whistles.”

“This is the age of Trump.  We don’t need dog whistles anymore.  We can use bullhorns now.”

“Don’t remind me.”

Also in the Babbler:

Female time travelers spotted celebrating announcement of the 13th Doctor
Reptoid arrested for impersonating Mayor Claar
Claar confirms alien AI to visit Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/20/17

US/Russia cyber task force visits Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Ten members of the US/Russia cyber security unit visited Bolingbrook to “secure our friend’s village.”

A member of the Bolingbrook IT Commission, who asked to be called Morpheus, said he was called into the meeting on Sunday morning by Mayor Roger Claar:

“Roger introduced me to the members, who just happened to all be Russians.  They told him that Bolingbrook was susceptible to attack from ISIS and Russia was here to help.  Roger said he wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth.  I should have reminded him of the story of the Trojan Horse, but I didn’t.”

According to other members of the IT Commission, the meeting started off with one of the task force members handing an envelope to Claar.

“Your AOL password is weak,” one member allegedly said.  “Use this one instead.  ISIS will never be able to crack it.”

According to sources, Claar opened the envelope and read the suggested password:  “Thank you.  Let me use my campaign phone to change my password.  I don’t want ISIS accessing my sensitive e-mails.  Unlike Hillary Clinton, I know how to take security advice!”

The task force members then asked for the property records for all the residents who “are not friends with the Bolingbrook regime”:

“Enemies of our friends tend to have heart conditions.  Our timely intervention could be the difference between life and death.”

Claar allegedly nodded: “That’s very kind of you to help our residents.”

A task force member allegedly replied: “A friend of Trump is a friend of ours.”

After thirteen hours of discussing Village Hall’s cyber security, ways to tap into the internet connections of Bolingbrook residents, and plans to build “a firewall against fake news”, the task force members left the meeting.  Claar then checked his Twitter feed.  Some eyewitnesses said his face turned red.

“Trump just disavowed the commission!”  Claar then called the police to demand the arrest of the task force members.

According to Syntax Error, a “white hat” hacker with ties to Bolingbrook village hall, Bolingbrook wasn’t compromised.  “The police caught the task force members.  I helped patch up the flaws made by those members.  Roger even changed his password on his AOL account.  It could have much worse, but it just turned into a warning about the dangers of social engineering hacking.”

Sources agree that once the task force members were released, Claar promptly banned them from Bolingbrook.

When reached for comment, a receptionist stated that Claar was busy talking to a “real resident,” and couldn’t be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar could be heard talking:

“So let me get this straight.  You’re calling yourself an involuntary celibate because no one in Bolingbrook wants to have sex with you.  I see.  Now you’re saying that you are entitled to a village-appointed girlfriend.  Is that right?  Well, as far as I’m concerned, this is the only thing you are entitled to.”

This was followed by the sound of a phone handset being slammed.

Also in the Babbler:

Former Mayor Ed Rosenthal vows to triumphantly return to Bolingbrook
Aliens cancel meeting with Laci Green
Chicago vampires condemn vampire role-playing game
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/13/17