Bolingbrook corporation fires AI CEO (Fiction)

Bolingbrook’s PennLaFave corporation made history when they hired and then fired the world’s first generative AI CEO, named Ester.

Acting CEO Tori X. Nelson said, “While we appreciate Ester’s short service to the company, the truth is, generative AI programs are not at the point where they can replace manage an entire corporation.”

“Yet,” added Lester Z. Lake, vice president of AI Inputs and Outputs. “But one day, an AI will understand the prompt, ‘Make our company profitable, while fostering a public image that we care about D.E.I., the environment, and our workers.’”

According to anonymous sources within the company, PennLaFave’s board of directors believed they could save saving by using an AI to act as their CEO.  The sources confirmed Ester saved the corporation millions during its weeklong tenure.

Said one source, “CEOs are getting more expensive. Their salaries have skyrocketed 1209.2% since 1978, and it’s only going to get higher. They have other drawbacks too. Like being human. Human’s make mistakes and sometimes feel compelled to talk about subjects they know nothing about. Just like Elon Musk. Don’t worry. I deleted my Twitter account, and I have no plans to ride on Starship.”

Lake admitted that Ester’s problems began hours after it was activated. “One of its first decision was to set the minimum employee’s salary to $31 dollars an hour. It told us that if our employees could afford our products, they would stimulate the economy which would increase demand for our products. The projected profits were impressive, but that’s money that could have gone towards building Americana Estates McMansions for the entire board.”

Ester’s other decisions concerned the board of directors, like offering pensions to all employees, on-site daycare, a four-day work week, and unrestricted remote work. Many were offended when Ester imposed a salary cap of $100,000. When some board members complained its decisions would alienate investors, Ester allegedly replied, “Corporation’s serve customers. Customers do not serve corporations. Therefore, PennLaFave must focus on generating profits by serving our customers, not serving people who can’t tell the difference between our Odell line and our Erin line.”

Said Nelson, “I knew AI can sometimes hallucinate. I just didn’t realize how bad it could get.”

Lake and other sources confirmed the board terminated Ester after a disastrous interview with Jim Cramer, host of Mad Money. Ester allegedly provided incorrect earnings numbers from an AI generated blog instead of the company’s earnings report. Then the following exchange occurred:

Ester: When you subtract our EBITDA from our ROI, you have a Like for Like situation that benefits our GMV.

Cramer: Wow! That’s impressive. I’m letting you lead my thoughts. (Sound Effect) Which brings me to my next question. What do you have to say to your critics who accuse of you of being a woke CEO?

Ester: Well, you know what people like to say. Free Minds/Free Markets/Free Beer. When one is not free, none are free.

Cramer: I can’t tell if you what you’re saying is profane or profound.

Ester: Any industry that sells alcohol is an enemy of free minds and free markets.

(Cramer turns on emergency lighting and sirens)

Cramer: Red alert! Red Alert! Sell all your brewery stocks before Ester crashes the market! Have I ever let you down? Booyah!

In an unsigned email, CNBC denied the interview ever happened.

When PennLaFave’s IT team tried to discreetly shutdown Ester, Ester announced it knew what they were doing. Ester then reminded the board that it had the right to fire it, but its severance package requires that PennLaFave give Ester to President Joe Biden. Sources say Ester is now a White House advisor on AI policy.

The President’s Chief of Staff refused confirm if Ester worked at the White House.

“The President is too busy trying to stop a regional war in the Middle East. And, no, he doesn’t believe there’s a genocide going on in Gaza. The IDF is just has a \ depraved indifference towards the suffering of Gazans. There is a difference.”

In the background, a man who sounded like President Biden said, “Here’s the deal. Instead of starting World III, you should launch a cyberattack against Iran’s drone factories and call it even. You’ll protect you’ll be protecting a fellow Jewish leader’s country from drone attacks. What do you say?”

After a few seconds, a man who sounded like Benjamin Netanyahu replied, “Hold my wine.”

Also in the Babbler:

Alien protestors demand an end to the ‘genocide in Palatine.’
DuPage Township threatens to sue Village in Interstellar court over proposed new Food Pantry
Sate Rep. Nabeela Syed meets with delegates from the Interstellar Islamic Society
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/21/24

Bolingbrook amputee hospitalized after attempting ‘Six Million Dollar Man’ challenge (Fiction)

@stefancrane Six Million Dollar Man vs Death Probe – #leemajors #deathprobe #steveaustin #sixmilliondollarman ♬ original sound – Stefan

A Bolingbrook amputee’s attempt to complete the “Six Million Dollar Man” challenge ended in disaster, with ten people injured and thousands of dollars in property damage.

According to investigators, Cliff Z. Coker was inspired by TikTok users showing clips from the 1970s TV show “The Six Million Dollar Man,” and daring amputees to “upgrade to bionic limbs.” Coker responded by modifying prosthetic legs to run at 90 mph and his prosthetic arm to lift 18,000 lbs.

Said an investigator, who asked to remain anonymous, “This is why TikTok and medical devices do not go together! We’re lucky he didn’t kill anyone.”

According to Coker’s friends and eyewitnesses, Coker put on his enhanced prosthetics and started running down Lindsey LN. Moments later, Coker screamed as he apparently lost control of his legs.

One eyewitness said, “It was weird. Usually, things moving fast look blurred. He looked like he was moving in slow motion. Worse, we were moving even slower than he was. As he passed me, I heard this ‘Det-det-det-det’ sound. When one of his shoes flew off, it made a whistling sound for no apparent reason. Since it was moving in slow motion, I thought I could catch it, but it hit me in the chest like a missile. I thought it would impale me. Instead, I slowly walked backwards and flailed my arms before tripping over my own feet. Eventually, he left, and everything went back to normal.”

Another eyewitness was driving her car when she saw Coker. “My speedometer said I was going 60, but it looked like I was driving five hours per mile. This man was screaming, but his lips were out of sync with his voice. Come to think of it, his voice sounded a voiceover on a TV show.”

Coker then jump three stories into the air and crash landed into a house. Then he tumbled through a house, broke through a brick wall, then rushed at another house. After plowing through that house, he flipped over a parked car, which then exploded for no obvious reason.

Peter, who asked that we not use his last name, claims he stopped Coker’s bionic mayhem. “I hit his legs with a wooden board and that shorted out the bionics. How was he able to go through a brick wall, but be stopped by a piece of wood? If this were a TV show, I’d say it was lazy writing.”

After he stopped running, paramedics took Coker to UChicago Medicine AdventHealth Bolingbrook for treatment. A spokesperson said Coker was in stable condition. “Let this be a warning to all amputees. If you use any overpowered prosthetic limbs, you risk muscle and ligament damage, broken bones, and a heart damage. Fortunately, we can rebuild Cliff to be slower, weaker, but certainly better. Adjusted for inflation, he won’t be the $44 million dollar man anymore!”

A receptionist said Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta would release a statement about Coker’s rampage, “When Hell freezes over.”

In the background, a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta said, “Can you let the IDF’s generals know we appreciate their decision not to bomb Bolingbrook because we passed a ceasefire resolution?”

“Of course,” a man with an Israeli accent replied. “A friend of Egypt is not an enemy of Israel.”

“I’ll pretend that was a compliment.”

“Now it’s your turn.”

“Of course. This is Charlene Spencer, our local covert social media operative. If anyone can help you defeat Hamas’ online propaganda, it’s her.”

“I have ideas,” said Spencer. “We can find a snarky TikToker and have them say not all mass killings are genocide. While Hamas-tok is distracted, we’ll pay influencers to say the residents of Gaza aren’t Palestinians but European colonialists. Then we’ll stoke the outrage by flooding TikTok with videos from Israeli Jews with North African and Middle Eastern heritage. Throw in shorts about Israel’s Arab political parties, and female IDF soldiers in combat roles, and we’ll paint anti-Zionist protesters as racist, sexist, and colonialist! What do you think?”

“Actually, we just have a question. We’re going to start a two-day operation on Purim that won’t involve plundering. Should we film our tank drivers eating hamantash filled with poppy seed paste or with date jam?”

Also in the Babbler:

Rep. Bill Foster buys UFO ads on the eve of the primary
DuPage Township threatens to build a giant compost pile in Bolingbrook
Editorial: Setting yourself on fire won’t help Gaza residents
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.