Clow UFO Base MMA Match between Mayor Claar and former V.P. Joe Biden ends in draw (Fiction)

By Reporter X

An impromptu mixed martial arts match between Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar and Vice-President Joe Biden ended in a draw.

“I know I saw it,” said Zoydois, who asked that her planet not be identified.  “I just cannot grok what I saw.”

According to eyewitnesses, Biden was at Clow UFO Base for a fundraiser hosted on his behalf by some members of the so-called One Percent.  Claar accosted Biden and demanded to know how he gained access to Clow.  Biden replied that he was invited and simply walked in.

“You’re a member of the New World Order,” snapped Claar.  “Members of the New World Order need authorization from Illinois Master Councilor and myself.”

“I’m also a member of the Illuminati.”

“What?”

“Yeah.  I joined the New World Order when they broke off from the Illuminati, but I also kept paying my membership dues to the Illuminati.  So, I have just as much right to be here as you do.”

“How’s that possible?”

“I like working with both secret societies, just like I working with Republicans as well as Democrats.  That’s why I’m leading in the polls!  —Which is why we’re going to be working together once Trump is removed from office.”

“Like hell we are!”

The two argued for several minutes.  Claar was insisting that dual membership was impossible, and Biden was insisting that “Pop Tart” gave him permission.  

Finally, Claar had enough: “Let me spell it out for you.  We.  Do.  Not.  Like.  You!  We want to destroy you and your Democrat party—”

“Democratic—”

“I am Bolingbrook!  In Bolingbrook, its Democrat Party and (Hunter Biden) is corrupt.”

He is not corrupt and if you weren’t so beholden to your (expletive deleted) for brains President—”

“Nobody calls The Donald—”

“(expletive deleted) for brains President—”

“That does it, old man!  We’re stepping into the ring!”

“You’re the one sounding like an old man!  Young people fight in the octagonal—”

“Octagon!” 

“Call it what you want, Roger.  I’ll kick your ass in it!”

Despite frantic pleading from their advisors, both men geared up and entered an Octagon in one of Clow’s gymnasiums.  

“Bipartisan means doing everything Republicans want,” said Claar.  “So, if you want to be bipartisan, you’ll let me smash your face!”

“Bipartisanship means keeping radical Democrats in check.  You’ll understand once I beat the Trump out of you!”

When the bell rang, both men charged at each other.  Each was throwing wild punches and unbalanced kicks at the other.  After several seconds, both men ended up grappling on the ground.

“What kind of name is Hunter?” asked Claar.

“What kind of person names their child after a stoner rocker?”

“Her name isn’t Lindley!”

“I said her real name!”

“No, you didn’t!  Are you losing your mind?”

“When I get my hands free, I’ll sunset you!”

The referee separated the two men and told them to stand up.  Both were too exhausted to stand up.  The referee called the match a draw and allowed medical teams to treat them.

“They didn’t do any permeant harm to each other,” said Dr. Susan Alberts.  “They just needed fluids and skin sealer to get back to normal.”

Surrogates for both sides tried to spin the results of the fight:

“God spared Roger from serious harm,” said Trustee Sheldon Watts.  “That means if you want to be good with Jesus, you need to be good with Roger.”

Julia Z. Pinsker offered her talking point:  “The Democrats need a Presidential Nominee that will not only appeal to African Americans, and conservative whites, they need a nominee who is willing to fight.  Joe Biden today proved that he is willing to fight anyone, including Trump mayors and clueless retired farmers!”

Also in the Babbler:

Edgar County Watchdogs request FOIA transcripts from DuPage Township Trustee’s bathroom chats
Atheist Alliance International leader denies inappropriately touching an angel
Bolingbrook’s Alien Raiders win Solar System Football Championship
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/10/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group

‘We celebrate Christmas in Bolingbrook!’: Mayor Claar sparks protests after changing Clow UFO Base’s holiday concert to a Christmas concert (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar enraged many attendees of the Clow UFO Base Holiday Concert by insisting that only Christmas music be played.

“We celebrate Christmas in Bolingbrook!” said Claar.  “We call it Christmas in Bolingbrook, and we don’t use this holiday nonsense!  So, I’m through being politically correct!  I’m changing this to a Christmas concert. If that triggers you, too bad!”

The announcement was followed by over five minutes of booing, objects thrown on stage, and three aliens projectile vomiting in Claar’s direction.

Claar was not moved: “Your rage only strengthens my resolve!”

Clow authorities ended up arresting 300 attendees, treating 179 for injuries, and issuing fines totaling over a billion interstellar credits. Officials compared the mayhem at this concert to the 1994 Industrial Holiday Concert headlined by My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult and Genitorturers.

“In 1994, Roger could blame his planning staff for that disaster,” said one official who asked not to be identified.  “This time it’s all on Roger.  I don’t know why he felt the need to change the theme at the last minute.”

Another anonymous official blames Fox News: “Roger’s been watching a lot of Fox News lately.  I heard him claiming that liberals have started a war on Thanksgiving. Then he said he needed to save Christmas from his ‘foes.’  Just between you and me, things have been getting out of hand around here since the impeachment hearings started.”

While most of the performers honored the Christmas music-only theme, a few of them rebelled.  Members of Blue Star, a band from the Interstellar Tribes of Israel, walked on stage wearing Blue Santa outfits.  The lead singer told the audience: “We heard that on your planet, the Hebrew word for Christmas is Hanukah.  They also celebrate it over eight nights.  So let’s get into the holiday spirit!”

The band then started playing “Hava Nagila.”  Claar then ordered band members arrested for disorderly conduct.

“You know damn well that song has nothing to do with Christmas or the birth of Christ,” Claar said over the public address system.

“Even I know Christmas had nothing to do with your false prophet!” countered the lead singer.  

As the band members were dragged off stage, the drummer yelled in Hebrew: “Move to the Promised Worlds! All the Milk and Honey you can eat.  None of the occupied territories!”

The publicist for the band explained that the drummer meant that planets settled by the Lost Tribes of Israel were never home to civilizations or intelligent beings.   

Later in the show, a man in a fireproof suit ran on stage and poured a liquid on himself.

“The only holiday worth celebrating is HumanLight!” he yelled before setting himself on fire.  

Security doused the flames and arrested the man.  They pulled off his head covering and revealed him to be Atheist activist David Silverman.

“Support Atheist Alliance International!” he yelled.  “I need the money!”

As he was dragged away, Silverman repeatedly yelled the word “Red!”

“That’s not the safe word,” replied Claar.

Near the end of the show, Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz walked on stage holding a metal pole. He stated:

“I have a grievance.  Once a month I have to deal with a man who thinks he’s better than a king and thinks anyone who opposes him is not a real resident.”

“Get to the Christmas part or get off the stage,” snapped Claar.

“Okay, Roger.  Friends, for those of us who celebrate Christmas, it’s a time when we wish for world peace and for everyone to just get along.  So, in that spirit, I’d like to invite two people on to the stage.”

Representative Bill Foster and his primary challenger, Will County Board member Rachel Ventura, walked on to the stage.  Foster then stared at a teleprompter.

“Gee Rachel,” said Foster, who didn’t look at Ventura and had no emotion in his voice.  “We’ve been fighting for all these months.  In the spirit of Christmas, let’s try to be nice to each other.”

Ventura frowned: “I’m only reading this because it will help me unite the Democratic party after I send you into retirement.  ‘Gee Bill, you’re right.  Let’s enjoy the evergreen trees and make a new deal.’  Bob!  Tell me you didn’t write this.  Right?”

Jaskiewicz laughed:  “Now we’re going to sing a song.  But we’re going to need some help and she’s coming on stage right now.”

Yoko Ono walked on stage and waved.  Many aliens stopped fighting with security and cheered.  Ono, along with Jaskiewicz, Foster, and Ventura, started singing “Happy Xmas (War is over.)”  Soon the entire audience started singing along.

Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler stumbled onto the stage and joined the singing.  Trustee Mary Basta then ran up to Lawler and started singing.  A hologram of Claar appeared on the stage and motioned for them to get off the stage.

After the song, Ono thanked the audience: “I want to end all wars in the galaxy.  Do you?”

The aliens cheered.  Ono then started singing her current interstellar hit song, “Ack!”  

Claar covered his ears and complained to his guest in his skybox about aliens’ taste in Earth music.

Also in the Babbler:

Alyssia Benford spotted measuring Mayor Claar’s office
Ten-Thousand-year-old cat revived then wants to be outside
Mayor Claar threatens to arrest Toter marchers
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/6/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group

Mayor Claar tells Congressional committee that Trump wanted him to investigate Biden family (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar admitted before the House Appropriations Sub-subcommittee on Nail and Thumbtack Spending that President Trump asked him to investigate the Biden family.

“He said he was willing to spare Clow UFO Base,” Claar reluctantly said, “in exchange for dirt on Joe Biden.”  Claar quickly added: “I never told the President that I would tell a big lie for him.”

“Did you mention the possibility of small lies?” – asked Representative Brad Schneider.

“I’ll take the fifth with some Jack with a coke,” replied Claar.

The sub-subcommittee, which oversees all US Government UFO spending and Interstellar policy, subpoenaed Claar as part of its impeachment investigation into Donald Trump.  Claar replied that the President told him not to honor the subpoena because “his Supreme Court was going to declare Congress unconstitutional”. Claar then added that because he had a book deal with an interstellar publisher, he also had “Book Deal Immunity.”

“Book Deal immunity applies to self-published books as well as traditionally published books.  Testifying before the committee will deny me the opportunity to pursue happiness, which is unconstitutional.  The government does not have the right to compel spoilers!”

The members of the Sub-subcommittee flew to Clow UFO Base and booked a meeting room.  A Martian Colonial battleship then beamed Claar from his office at Village Hall.

Beth, who asked that we not use her last name, saw Claar as he was being abducted:

“He flipped off the space craft and said: ‘I’ll talk, but you won’t like what I have to say.’  He was not in a good mood.”

Once in the meeting room, Claar refused to be sworn in, and made several unprintable comments about the “Democrat Party Impeachment Witch Hunt.” When threatened with imprisonment by one Phobos, Claar laughed.  After the Martian Colonial Ambassador walked into the room, Claar stopped laughing and agreed to be sworn in. 

During the two hour hearing, Claar testified that Trump asked him 10 times for information on the Bidens.  Trump, according to Claar, explicitly threatened to cut off Clow funding if he did not conduct a favorable investigation.  Claar went on to say that Trump dropped his demands once the impeachment investigation started:

“He failed to commit a crime, therefore it’s not a crime, and this hearing is illegitimate.  Can I go back to work?”

Rep. Sean Casten asked Claar what his investigation found.  Claar replied that the former Vice-president only visited Clow UFO Base once, and accidentally called it “Cow UFO Base.”

“He corrected himself, and it was kind of funny.  Other than that, we’re unfortunately not aware of him doing anything illegal.”

The Sub-subcommittee’s Republican members harshly questioned Claar:

“Did you hear Trump say he was going to take away your funding?” asked Rep. Mike Simpson.

“Yes.”

“So we can call your evidence ‘hearsay,’ don’t you agree?”

“I guess.”

“So what are you doing providing hearsay evidence to this committee?”

“You’re behind the curve, Congressman.  Our current talking point is that Trump did nothing wrong.”

“My apologies, Roger.”

Congresswoman Martha Roby accused Claar of being a “Never-Trump Republican” and pretending to be a Trump supporter for political gain.

“Don’t you think a real Trump supporter would be consulting Stephen Miller about their community’s demographic problem?”

File photo of Mayor Claar at a Prakash Utsav celebration in Bolingbrook.

Claar denounced Roby: “I was a Republican before you were even born, and I will be a Republican when I die.  The only thing I gained from Trump was a close election.  Look, every real Bolingbrook resident loves me and I use that love to promote the Republican party.  In fact, I’m so loved that our local Sikh community made me a Turban, and I’m honored to have that title!  I think I’m the first Republican Turban in Bolingbrook’s history!”

“Do you really—”

“Right now, the only thing I really care about is Trump staging a coup so we can get past this impeachment nonsense.”

After the hearing, Claar refused to comment to the press.

Schneider said Claar was helpful: “We suspected that Trump’s corruption extended to the stars, and Roger proved it.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook High School advances to the interplanetary football finals
Trustee Jaskiewicz accuses Claar of diverting funds to the wereskunks
Clow UFO Base will not change the name of its Holiday Concert
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/20/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Clow UFO Base reports record profits from UFO political ads (Fiction)

Enhanced photo of two UFOs with political display ads.

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar announced that Clow UFO Base sold the most political UFO display ads in its history.

Twitter is banning political ads,” said Claar, during a press conference with members of the interstellar media.  “We’re selling more political ads than ever.  So if you want to win your next election, don’t look to social media.  Look to the stars!”

According to Claar, most of this year’s spending came from liberal-leaning billionaires and “well-connected” Democratic campaigns.  Most of the advertising spending is aimed at influencing the Democratic Caucuses.  

“Just ask (Pete Buttigieg) and Tom Steyer.  Their covert committees liked the results of our ad buys, and love our reasonable prices!  You know, Michael Bloomberg just bought several ad slots.  Now I’m not a psychic, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he won Iowa because that’s how effective our ads are.”

Claar said a display ad on a UFO is very influential among rural voters.

“If an Iowa farmer sees your ad on a UFO, they’re going to assume that an advanced civilization supports your polices.  Once an Iowa farmer thinks that, no TV ad will persuade him that your candidate is inferior.  Aliens are the key to victory.”

Ads, however, do not mean that a UFO crew endorses a candidate.  Lodix, a botanist from Shedo Collective, says she puts ads on her UFO for the money:

“I can’t tell the difference between Sen. Elizabeth Warren and Representative Steve King.  But I do love the Interstellar Credits I get from running their ads.  Let’s face it, my job sampling Earth plants isn’t the most profitable career.  So I can use the extra credits.”

Lodix, however, does have some concerns about the ads:

“You shouldn’t decide your leaders based on an ad or meme.  You really should look at all of their positions.  Still, ads and memes can be infectious.  Look at the humans who think Hillary Clinton would have been just as corrupt at President Trump.  Trump is a universal example of corrupt leadership.  There’s no way Hillary could ever have lived up to his example, and more importantly, she didn’t want to.  That shows me the power of advertising and memes to influence humans.  Honestly, your species really (expletive deleted) up by selecting Trump.”

While most UFO Bases around the world ban political ads, Claar said he was proud that Clow allows them:  “We like to do things differently in Bolingbrook.”

Claar also defended allowing ads for candidates affiliated the New World Order, despite being a leader of the Illuminati himself:

“The Illuminati is dedicated to spreading chaos.  Nothing spreads chaos quite like attack political ads.  Just look at my community.  The local Democratic party is in chaos because Rachel Ventura is challenging (Representative Bill Foster).  Their infighting helps me as both a member of the Republican Party and as a member of the Illuminati.  Let them fight, and let me collect the money!  I mean let Clow collect the money.”

Claar wouldn’t confirm rumors that he’s been buying pro-Ventura UFO ads.

He did say that he expected the Trump campaign to devote “significant resources” to UFO advertising starting in the summer of 2020. 

When reached for comment, a member of Foster’s staff denied that Foster buys UFO display ads:

“UFOs are not alien spacecraft.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to find the Congressman because we just found out that he’s canvassing in the same subdivision as Rachel is and— Oh no!  We’re too late!”

In the background, a man who sounded like Foster said:  There are other ways to stop manmade climate change.”

A woman who sounded like Ventura replied:  “Only the Green New Deal can save us.”

“I’ll bet you don’t even know what the Green New Deal is.”

“I know exactly what it is.  It’s awesome!”

Also in the Babbler:

Claar denies latest Russian snow attack
Oswego player blames aliens for Raiders’ OT win
Society of Professional Journalists laughs at Alyssia Benford’s complaint against the Babbler
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/13/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Wereskunks and weredogs riot over Valley View 365U recount result (Fiction)

What started as a peaceful protest by weredogs against the removal of School Board member Dr. Sandra Carlson ended in a violent clash with anti-Carlson wereskunks. Dozens of weredogs were arrested in front of Valley View’s offices by officers from Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs.  The weredogs will be charged with causing hundreds of dollars in damages.

“They started it!” —complained weredog Bo as he was being restrained by the officers.

“Shut up!” —replied the officer.  “You started it by acting like a big snowflake over the lawful removal of a fake board member.”

Though the school board election happened seven months ago, defeated incumbent JT Boudouris filed a lawsuit to request a recount of five of 39 precincts. The lawsuit demanded that ballots that were not initialed by an election judge be thrown out.  The motion was granted.  Following the recount, Carlson’s three-vote win was overturned.  Carlson ran as a member of the Bolingbrook United Party.

Taffy, a weredog, said: “They should have recounted all of the precincts— not just the ones that favored (Mayor Roger Claar’s) candidates.  Roger thew out ballots due to no fault of each individual voter.”

The picket line started with marchers chanting, “Bad humans!  No Bone!”  and “Kennel Roger!”  They did not block entrances, though a few Valley View staff members said they felt intimidated.

“Why are they so mad?” asked a woman who wished to remain anonymous:  “JT earned his seat.  Just like Trump earned his seat.  It shouldn’t be a popularity contest.”

Minutes later, several wereskunks marched towards the weredogs, chanting: “We love Claar!  He’s so fair!”  They then threw litter at the weredogs, and some sprayed them.  

“Bad dogs!”  yelled one wereskunk.  “You stink!”

The weredogs then charged at the wereskunks and started fighting.  Later, officers from the Bolingbrook Department of Paranormal Affairs arrived, though Valley View’s offices are located in Romeoville.  They fired tear gas and perfume to break up the fighting.  Twenty weredogs were arrested but no wereskunks were arrested.  Instead, the officers treated injured wereskunks, and let them create “litter art” while singing, “We are the Champions.”

“We love Roger!” said one wereskunk.  “We love his candidates.  We’ll do anything we can to support them!”

A member of Bolingbrook United denied knowing about the riot:  “We don’t have time for this silliness.  If your readers really want to help us, come to our Chili Fundraiser this Thursday. You’ll get to find out which elected official cooks the best chili, and help us return Dr. Carlson back to her rightful seat.  Roger just arrived.”

A man who sounded like Claar said:  “Joe, I’m glad to see you’re personally delivering your response to my ultimatum.  Now I don’t mind political parties in Bolingbrook, as long as they don’t run candidates.”  After a long pause, the man said: “Is this your entire response?”

“Yes.” said a man who sounded like Bolingbrook United chair Joe Giamanco.

Nuts?”

Also in the Bolingbrook Babbler:

Atheist Alliance International to record TV program in Bolingbrook
Trump demands a new UFO Base in Bolingbrook
Pluto ambassador objects to planned NASA Pluto orbiter mission
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/7/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Village announces controversial ‘Adopt a zombie’ program (Fiction)

Bolingbrook residents will have the opportunity to “adopt” one of the zombies that live in the Bolingbrook Commons Shopping Center.  Not every resident is in favor of this program.

“Don’t our government officials watch zombie shows?” asked Jeb Parker, a member of Bolingbrook’s Art Bell Party.  “Bolingbrook Commons is a zombie apocalypse waiting to happen.  The village needs to burn it to the ground, not offer it up to its undead for adoption.”

According to documents provided by sources within the Department of Paranormal Affairs, Trustee Michael Carpanzano started the program to dispel “negative attitudes towards Bolingbrook’s undead residents.”  Most of the documents include pro-zombie talking points:

“Do not use the word Zombie.  Instead, refer to them as Undead Residents.  Then point out that living residents are also not dead, therefore everyone is undead.  Then we’ll point out that our undead residents don’t speak out against (Mayor Roger Claar).  That means they’re true residents– Unlike the members of Bolingbrook United, who are foes, not real Bolingbrook residents.”

According to sources, the money from the program will go to the owners of Bolingbrook Commons.  It will allow them to keep the mall open.

“It’s not the best place in Bolingbrook,” said Jill, an employee of the Department of Paranormal Affairs.  “But unlike rusting cars, we have no problem offering our undead residents a place to wander around peacefully.  I’m tired of all the people who say we should tear down Bolingbrook Commons.  We’re all going to die eventually, and I’d rather be a zombie in Bolingbrook Commons than be buried in the ground.”

Parker says the Art Bell Party has always supported the removal of zombies from Bolingbrook:

“Even if they don’t eat people, they shouldn’t be here.  When you die, you’re supposed to leave your body behind as fertilizer.  You’re not supposed to linger as your body rots.  It’s unsightly and gives Bolingbrook a bad name.  We shouldn’t be known as a village of the dead.  We should be known as a living, thriving village.  Elect our party, and we will bring new life to Bolingbrook.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy, and couldn’t be disturbed.  

In the background, a person who sounded like Claar, said: “Now that I’ve improved our credit rating, will you cancel your chili dinner fundraiser and dissolve Bolingbrook United?”

A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz replied: “No way.  You got us into this mess in the first place.  Plus, there are residents who want garbage toters and cannabis stores.   They deserve a voice in village government too. I’m going to be that voice, Roger.”

“I know you will, but I wish you wouldn’t, Obarzanek.”

“Jaskiewicz.”

“Close enough.”

Also in the Babbler:

Russia to launch snow attack on Halloween
Village attorney denies plans to file charges against ‘foes’ of Bolingbrook
Trump denies knowing Mayor Claar
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/31/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Rep. Tulsi Gabbard takes down Mayor Roger Claar (Fiction)

Rep. Tulsi Gabbard used a two-finger takedown to push Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar to the ground during an Illuminati gathering.

“The word is ‘Fnord,’ civilian,” said Gabbard as Claar moved away from her.  “Not ‘Ford!’”

File photo of Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard.

“The ‘N’ is silent!” countered Claar.

“It is not.  You are disrespecting our sacred order and showing insubordination to an Illuminated Knight of higher standing.  Say you’re sorry.”

“I’m sorry I—”

“I’m sorry what?”

“I’m sorry…Ma’am.”

Claar, through a spokesperson, stressed that he was not harmed, and has forgiven her.

“Tulsi is still Roger’s favorite Fox News Democrat,” said the spokesperson.  “He is not going to let a slight difference of opinion get in the way of his desire to destroy the New World Order, and run Bolingbrook without interference from state or national government.”

An Illinois Illuminati official, who asked not to be identified, said that while Gabbard was still upset over Claar’s pronunciation of “Fnord,” she was going to move on:

“She has to focus on how she’s going to spin her Independent bid to be President after telling the public she wouldn’t run as an independent if she didn’t get the Democratic nomination.  She doesn’t have time to worry about a suburban Illinois mayor’s inability to say, ‘Fnord.’”

Gabbard was at the Bolingbrook Golf Club for a ceremony honoring her lifelong commitment to the Illuminati.  Before the incident, Claar performed the Illuminati’s Sacred Glowing Orb Ritual with her, then said a few words.

“She’s a real fighter,” said Claar.  “Literally.  She still serves in the military.  But I’m really impressed by how she keeps fighting.  She has no paid staff in Iowa and is only polling at 1% nationwide.  Most people would have quit before for the first debate, but not Tulsi.”

Claar added that the Illuminati will pull Gabbard from the Democratic Primary, due to Sen. Bernie Sander’s defection to the Illuminati earlier this year.

“I just want to say that that I enjoyed watching the Democratic Primary on Tulsi time.  Why aren’t you guys laughing?”

Gabbard thanked Claar and the gathered dignitaries. She briefly talked about how her father had raised her to be a member of the Illuminati.

“My father tried to infiltrate the Republican Party in Hawaii, but then he realized that was a waste of time.  I learned that if I wanted to help our order, I needed to learn how to blend in with the Democrats.  Not only do I blend in, but I appeal to both the far right and the far left!”

Gabbard then turned her attention towards Hillary Clinton:

“I stand by my statements about her.  She is the embodiment of the wicked, corrupt system created by the New World Order.  I want to destroy her…In a debate of course.  She’s mistaken when she says I am a Russian asset.  (President Vladimir) Putin is my asset.  I am a loyal knight of the Illuminati.  I will fight until all nations are destroyed, and I can become the queen of Hawaii.  I will tear down those telescopes, and tell my people what they want!  I will say aloha to the our illuminated future.  Fnord!”

While the crowd chanted “Fnord,” Claar, according to eyewitnesses, chanted “Ford,” which lead to the incident.

Gabbard could not be reached for comment.

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.  

In the background, a woman who sounded like Claar, said: “What are you watching?”

A woman who sounded like Covert Social Media Operative Charlene Spencer said: “I’m watching a live stream of a rap battle between (DuPage Township Trustee) Maripat Oliver and (DuPage Township Trustee) Alyssia Benford on The Will County Young Republicans’ secret YouTube Page.”

“Oh my God!  Is it—”

“Yes.  All Alyssia has to do is say a couple rhymes and she wins.  Here we go.”

A woman who sounded like Benford said, “I’m calling the question!  I’m calling the question.”

“Can you do that in a rap battle?” asked Claar.

“Nope,” replied Spencer.

A woman who sounded like Oliver,  said: “You sound like an old school hack/And your rhymes are really wack/Time for you to face the fact/That Maripat is where it’s at.”

Also in the Babbler:

DuPage Township critics should be forced into counseling says a trustee
Bolingbrook to require underground homes by 2052
Mayor Claar warns residents not to eat chili made by ‘fake residents’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/23/19 

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Web exclusive: Militant atheist David Silverman to run for Mayor of Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Sources tell the Babbler that former American Atheist president David Silverman will run for Bolingbrook mayor in 2021.

A possible web ad for David Silverman’s Mayoral campaign.

“He’s already forgiven himself for what happened in the past,” said one source.  “Now is the time to settle the lawsuits and move on.  Being Bolingbrook’s first openly atheist mayor will give  him the platform he deserves.”

According to the sources, Silverman will move to Bolingbrook in the spring of 2020.  Once he is established as a resident of Bolingbrook, he will then take over the Bolingbrook First Party from DuPage Township Trustee Maripat Oliver.

“Maripat ran a nice campaign,” said Jill, a volunteer for Bolingbrook First.  “But nice doesn’t beat (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar).”

According to Jill, Silverman plans to use his ties to rich atheists to rapidly raise funds for his campaign, and to recruit a slate of trustee candidates for Bolingbrook First.

Ben, a Bolingbrook resident and former member of American Atheists, believes Silverman has the “flexibility” to beat BClaar and Bolingbrook United’s mayoral candidate:

“Just look at his career.  He can go from being a guest on Fox News to being a guest at FtBCon to being a guest on Sargon of Akkad’s show.  He can go from liberal to conservative and back with ease.  He can say something to earn the support of every resident!”

Jill says Silverman’s campaign strategy will also focus on the tax-exempt status of religious organizations in Bolingbrook:

“He may live in Washington State, but he knows that everyone in Bolingbrook hates state and local taxes.  He also knows that residents hate it when people we don’t like get tax breaks.  He’s going to use that to his advantage.  He’ll get Christians worked up over Bolingbrook’s tax-free mosques.  Then he’ll get Muslims worked up over all the money-sucking Christian churches Bolingbrook has.  Residents will be so worked up, they won’t question his atheism.  Then once he’s elected, Illinois will have enacted a progressive income tax, and that will take care of most of Bolingbrook’s money problems.  He’ll lower property taxes a bit, and he’ll easily win reelection.  He’ll be untouchable!  Did I say that out loud?”

Ben also mentions that Silverman plans to use lots of billboards to get his message out:  “Roger’s people can take down signs, but they can’t take down a billboard!”

A volunteer for Silverman denied that he was planning to move to Bolingbrook.  He also added that Silverman was conducting an important interview, and couldn’t be disturbed.

In the background, a woman said: “Given the serious allegations against you, and your long history of litigation, why should we hire you?”

“Because I need money and you need publicity,” said a man who sounded like Silverman.

“Since no one else wants this job, you’re hired.”

When called, Claar answered the phone and said, “Rudy, I don’t have a UFO Base.  You can’t ask me for asylum because I can’t give it to you.  Oh, and don’t even think about moving to Bolingbrook.  My village is only big enough for one mayor.”

He then hung up the phone.

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Web Exclusive: Trustee Carpanzano apologizes to the Space Pope (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Trustee Michael Carpanzano formally apologized to Space Pope Lacoxo MMXI for dressing up like him and posing for a picture.

“I’m sorry his Holiness was offended by my attempt to celebrate religious diversity at Clow UFO Base,” said Carpanzano.

“Insulting me is a very expensive indulgence,” replied the Space Pope.  “Fortunately, I have very reasonable payment plans.”

“I will pay for him”, said Mayor Roger Claar.  “Now let’s pretend this didn’t happen.”

The incident occurred during Clow UFO Base’s “Faith in the Galaxy Festival.”  During the event, the Space Pope confronted Carpanzano about the picture.  The Space Pope explained that it was offensive to him.

“Why?” asked Carpanzano.  “I’m a positive person and I didn’t mean any offense.  Therefore you can’t be offended by what I wore.  You should feel honored.”

“Blasphemy does not honor me!” yelled the Space Pope.  The Space Pope then listed 100 dress code violations with Carpanzano’s outfit.  Notably that most of the crucifixes were upside down, and his hat was the wrong color for this section of the solar system.

Bolingbrook Village Trustee Michael Carpanzano.

Carpanzano was unmoved.  “I’m married and have a family.  That means I can wear anything I want and you can’t be offended!”

Before the Space Pope could declare Carpanzano a heretic, Claar arrived and asked to speak with Carpanzano.  According to unnamed sources, Claar called Carpanzano “positively clueless” because his actions endangered Bolingbrook.  He explained that the Universal Catholic Church has its own military and a history of invading planets to forcibly convert the inhabitants:

“I don’t care if you like to dress up.  Just don’t offend one of the most powerful religious organizations in the galaxy!  Pick on weaker cultures, instead.  They can’t harm us.”

After his meeting, Carpanzano said he was going to move on from this incident:

“I know Muslims, and Jaime Olson has lost three elections.  Therefore it’s okay for me to dress up like a modern Egyptian!”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Hundreds arrested during the Clow UFO Base climate strike (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base’s security ruthlessly shut down a Climate Strike demonstration minutes after it started.  Over 100 aliens were arrested, along with 12 humans and 4 androids.  Over 100 beings were treated for injuries, but none were life-threatening.

“Let me make this clear,” said Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  “You can say what you want about Earth’s climate, but you cannot go on strike at my UFO Base!”

Anonymous officials claim that the organizers planned to block all the landing bays at Clow until Earth’s governments agreed to a geoengineering program to reverse global warming. 

“Clow would be out of business before any government would consider it,” said one anonymous official.

Organizers denied that the “Climate Strike” was an actual strike.

“It was a demonstration,” said Glowdia Padakolaka, a visitor from Tabby’s Star.  “Just because we called it a strike, doesn’t mean it is a strike.  We just meant that we think Earth’s governments should strike a blow against the forces changing the climate before they make Earth uninhabitable for humanity.  We didn’t deserve to be pepper sprayed for saying that.”

One of the humans injured was Rachel Ventura, Democratic candidate for the Illinois 11th Congressional District:  “Yeah it sucked getting sprayed with acid, but the doctors here fixed my skin for free.  What really sucks is being represented by Congressman Bill Foster!  He won’t support the Green New Deal.  As your Congresswoman, I will say this to the spineless Democrats in charge:  Give humanity the Green New Deal or give humanity death!  No other ideas are worth considering.  Like switching to nuclear power?  Hell no!  I won’t glow, Bill.”

Foster replied in an email, “(Representative Sean Casten) and I feel there are other options besides the Green New Deal.  At least Rachel and I are debating how to fight climate change.  Whoever Roger drafts to run against me will probably deny the problem.  I say keep the Sci Bros in Congress!”

Ventura was quested by Claar then released.  Sources say she was released because she, along with Claar, are members of the Illuminati.

Padakolaka said the organizers’ next goal is to secure the release of  Clow’s “climate prisoners.”  She also hopes to meet with Claar and explain the importance of combating climate change.

“Climate change is the great filter,” said Padakolaka.  “Too many civilizations reach this stage and perish because they’re not willing to make the necessary changes to protect their planet.  When an economic system favors extinction over preservation, that system must change.  Economies must serve their beings.  Beings must not serve the economy.  Civilizations that learn this lesson reach the stars.  I hope humanity learns this lesson before it’s too late.”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar deploys “floating emergency command center.”
Wereskunks defend littering as ‘a work of art’
Satanist says his religion requires a garbage toter in his front yard
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/28/19 

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.