Alien reporters flock to Chicagoland (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Klizgot, a reporter from Glot, an interstellar news agency, walks along the empty streets of The Promenade Bolingbrook with her cameraperson, Bloz.  Both are wearing human suits. Klizgot narrates:

“This was once the social and commercial center of Bolingbrook, home of the famous Clow UFO Base.  Now it is nearly abandoned.  The residents shelter at home to avoid being infected by the COVID-19 virus.  Bolingbrook’s leaders, like others on Earth, struggle to keep the pandemic under control.  Meanwhile, a death cult uses online and cable networks to spread their propaganda to lure—”

“You two are standing too close to each other!”  A woman yells, holding a bag of carryout from Mora Asian Kitchen.

“We are human reporters covering the great filter event.”

“Spreading fake news isn’t an essential business!  I’m telling (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) on all of you!”

Alien reporters from across the Virgo Cluster are flocking to Earth’s major cities to cover the Coronavirus pandemic.  Their organizations have established a base camp in Palatine, near Rob Sherman UFO Base.

“The Media camp is administered by the Interstellar Commonwealth,” said Palatine Village Reid Ottesen.  “They’re making sure that only visitors that are immune to the Coronavirus are allowed to land.  They also told me that the tunnels have their own immune system and the virus doesn’t stand a chance.  I wish they would give us the technology to do that, but the Commonwealth says humanity still has to prove it’s worth.”

Inside the camp, the alien equivalents of news actors broadcast stories about the pandemic.  Most wonder if human civilization is about to encounter “The Great Filter.  Most alien scholars describe it as the point at which a planetary civilization collapses or evolves into an interstellar civilization.

Nazoo, a reporter for Novacore News Agency, explained: “In human terms, imagine a bird jumping off of the edge of the Grand Canyon.  It will either flap its wings and fly, or it will plummet to its death.  It’s sad watching civilizations fail, but it’s also uplifting to watch the ones that survive.”

Like Earth’s media companies, the interstellar outlets feature pundits debating each other.  On one show, two aliens debated if humanity should be allowed to die:

“We can’t just keep watching species go extinct,” said the first alien.  “We have the power to save species like humans.  Our inaction is criminal.”

“Illogical,” said the second alien.  “The only thing that must be preserved is the economy.  This virus will purge Earth’s economy of its human infestation, and allow it to function efficiently.  No longer will the economy be bound to serving human needs.  It will finally achieve perfection, and we must not interfere.”

Plazego, a popular interstellar news personality, has been delivering monologs about Chicagoland’s response to the COVID-19 pandemic.  One of her recent ones dealt with Bolingbrook.  She concluded by saying:

“So Roger broadcasts that Bolingbrook is not a police state, that he’s doing the best he can, which he probably is, and we shouldn’t discuss local politics.  Yet in the same speech, he gets mad at people criticizing him, mentions Trump, then mentions a mysterious political email survey which angers him even more.  And you know when Roger’s angry, his supporters get angry.  Which would make the end of his speech…sound…Political?  Like he’s trying to make residents angry at his opponents and more likely to support his candidates in the next election?  Maybe.  And while this is happening, the Great Filter moves closer to Bolingbrook.  What will happen next?  Stay tuned!”

After the broadcast, Plazego said: “I love Rachel Maddow.

The receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed:

“You guys always say that as long as there’s a Bolingbrook, the Babbler will exist.  So I guess Bolingbrook isn’t dead yet.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said: “I’m working my (expletive deleted) off dealing with this pandemic.  What are you guys doing?”

A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz said:  “I’m here to tell our first responders that Giamanco Law Partners is offering them $10,000 in free legal services.”

“Michael?  I”m sure you can top that.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Michael Carpanzano said: “I’m promoting local businesses with my Bolingbrook Strong initiative!  Because it’s always important to shop during a major national crisis.”

“That’s the Republican way!”

“And I’m going to announce a contact-less Easter Egg hunt, which will bring the community together.”

“Let me guess,” said Jaskiewicz, “you’re going to use drones that children can control from their homes?”

“You’re so negative,” replied Carpanzano.  “This event will take place indoors!”

After several moments of silence, Jaskiewicz said: “You’re right.  I can’t top that.”

Before Klizgot and Bloz returned to Palatine, they interviewed a video blogger standing outside of NCH hospital in Arlington Heights.

Klizgot questioned why the blogger claimed NCH had no COVID-19 cases when that clearly isn’t true.

“There is no truth,” replied the blogger.  “There are only views, and my views are through the roof since I started posting about this fake virus.”

“But people are dying,” said Klzgot.

“People die all the time,” the blogger replied.  “Triggering liberals is special, and I can’t wait to post this video.”

“Did you go inside?  Because we’ve been inside.”

“My viewers don’t need me to go inside to know the truth.  They don’t want to believe the government, and I provide them with alternative facts to affirm their beliefs.”

“The government says Ricin is poisonous.  Do your followers believe it isn’t?”

“Well it is natural, so it can’t be bad.  Hey!  That will be a future video.  Maybe this time Donald Trump will post a link to my channel.  Thanks!”

Klizgot then turns towards the camera:  “As humanity approaches the Great Filter, there are humans risking their lives for the survival of their civilization, but they’re up against members of a militant death cult.   Will humanity survive, or humanity’s orange god of death get his sacrifice?  Keep watching to find out!”

Also in the Babbler:

Space Force confiscates toilet paper from Meijer
Skeptics arrested for attempted anti-homeopathy protest
Alien treated for cable news overdose
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Bolingbrook cracks down on weredogs’ cannabis home delivery service (Fiction)

Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs announced a crackdown on the weredogs’ “fetching” cannabis for residents.

The press release stated: “Pandemic or no pandemic, home delivery of cannabis is still illegal in Illinois. Any weredog involved in this criminal operation is a bad dog!”

Hillary, who asked that we not use her last name, witnessed the department trying to arrest a weredog:

“This cute dog dropped a bag of weed on my front door.  I was about to tip him when this black armored vehicle drove on to my front yard.  Two masked men told the dog to roll over.  Instead, he shape-shifted into a giant dog and ran away.  One of the men yelled: ‘Bolingbrook says no to drugs.’ I said Roger wasn’t Bolingbrook.  They said they would deal with me later.  They drove off before I could tell them what I felt.”

Bud, the Alpha dog of the Bolingbrook Weredeer association, says his fellow weredogs are performing an essential service for Bolingbrook:

“Residents are stressed.  It’s not enough for (Mayor Roger Claar) to tell us to stay calm.  They need weed.  It’s great the dispensaries are offering curbside pick up, but that shouldn’t be the only option.  We’re happy to fetch weed for anyone who wants it.  You can give us a treat instead of cash!”

Ruth, another weredog, claims Claar tried to arrest her for delivering cannabis:

“I was walking in human form and minding my own business.  Roger drove by and gave me a look.  I waved and kept walking.  He pulled up to a police car and told the officer to arrest me.  The officer refused because I was still walking, and he wasn’t allowed to chase suspects.  Roger said he was the mayor of Bolingbrook and he was ordering the officer to chase me.  That’s when I shifted into dog form and rushed into the bushes.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy “saving Bolingbrook” and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Mr. President.  You are the greatest leader the world has ever known.  I risked my political career when I first endorsed you.  Your followers will say anything to defend me online.  I am forever in debt to you and the MAGA family.  How’s that?”

“A man who sounded like President Trump replied:  “Not bad.  Where are you from again?”

“Bolingbrook, Illinois.”

Never been there.”

“Mr. President, can I count on you to make sure we get some medical supplies?  I don’t know what else I can give you.”

“That golf course.”

“You want to buy the Bolingbrook Golf Club?”

“I suppose I could with all the billions Congress just gave me.  But you see, there’s a serious problem.  It’s too far away from the airport.  I need you to do me a favor and move it closer to the Chicago airport.”

“Um, for the first time, I really don’t know what to say, Mr. President.  I don’t think you can move a golf course.”

“Have you tried?”

Also in the Babbler:

Nitrile Glove monsters terrorize grocery shoppers
Hidden Lakes Monster frolics as residents shelter in place
Mayor Claar postpones weredeer hunting season
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/2/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Sources: Mayor Claar conscripts wereskunks to help combat COVID-19 (Fiction)

A COVID-19 infographic allegedly created by the Village of Bolingbrook, featuring Snowy the Bolingbrook Skunk.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar has ordered the village’s wereskunks to help with COVID-19 relief efforts.

“Roger said he gives us unrestricted access to trash,” said Zac, who claims to be a wereskunk.  “He said we need to help out because we’re immune to COVID-19, and if every resident dies, there won’t be any trash.  How can we live without Bolingbrook’s generous trash offerings?”

Sources (and wereskunks) say wereskunks are expected to patrol non-essential businesses and parks.  They are also required to combat “rumors and misinformation” about the virus.

Peter, who asked that we not use his last name, claims he was attacked by a wereskunk:

“I was telling my neighbors that President Trump says we should all take chloroquine and azithromycin to fight off the virus.  Then this scruffy woman walked up to me and said our President was lying to us.  She said chloroquine hasn’t been tested and can be poisonous. She then had the nerve to say azithromycin can cause heart problems and is an antibiotic, not an antiviral.  I said she was spreading fake news.  Then she turned into a giant skunk and sprayed me.  She called me human garbage and threatened to spread my organs around Bolingbrook if I ever quoted Trump again.  Now it’s easy for me to practice social distancing because nobody wants to stand closer than 20 feet to me.”

Anita, another resident who asked that we not use her last name, claims that she saw a wereskunk eat someone:

“This guy was spouting anti-Semitic nonsense and saying he was going to infect Jews with the Coronavirus.  A wereskunk jumped down from a tree and ate him.  I was horrified.  The wereskunk explained that he was immune to the virus and it was the only way to protect us.  I guess that was nice.  Maybe I’ll leave out an extra bag of garbage for his skunk cousins.”

A receptionist for Claar denied the existence of wereskunks and said he was too busy for an interview. She said:

“You should be thankful that the governor thinks the media should be classified as an essential business.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said:  “Dear God, I’ve had a good life.  Please take me now before I have to commit an unspeakable act to save my village…Fine, be that way!”

A few moments later he said: “Hello Jackie.  I guess we have to work together to save Bolingbrook.”

A woman who sounded like Will County Board member Jackie Traynere, said: “Yes we do, Roger.”

Also in the Babbler:

Lisle’s trees warn residents not to horde paper products
A miraculous image of ‘Friendly Atheist’ inspires local atheists to harass bloggers
Weredogs fetch groceries for Bolingbrook’s elderly residents
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/25/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

COVID-19: A Babbler Special Report (Fiction)

With Bolingbrook, like the rest of Illinois, under lockdown due to the COVID-19 pandemic, we sent a team of reporters outside so our readers wouldn’t have to go.  These are their stories.

Church of Christopher Hitchens holds ‘Day of Booze’ service

Bolingbrook’s Church of Christopher Hitchens held a “Day of Booze” service to protest President Trump’s national day of prayer.  The church held a service in their parking lot, which was open to the public.  Attendees were offered a small bottle of whiskey and a free copy of God is not Great. Speeches by Hitchens played over a loudspeaker.

“Normally praying is a waste of breath,” said Grand Bartender Dennis X. Silverton.  “This month, it’s deadly because a sick person could be spewing death while begging a non-existent God for healing.  This is yet another example of religion poisoning Bolingbrook.”

Silverton added that he believed his service was helpful:  “Whiskey can be used to disinfect both inside and outside our bodies.  It’s better than holy water or a stale wafer.”  He also insisted that the Church of Christopher Hitchens is a real religious institution and not a way to avoid needing a liquor license. 

Beth, (who asked that we not use her last name) took a bottle of whiskey, then left the service early:

“I loved hearing Christopher Hitchens bash Islam— Especially when he said: ‘If the Qur’an was the word of God, it had been dictated on a very bad day.’  When he called Mother Teresa a fraud, I had to leave.  At least the booze was free.”

Mayor Roger Claar attended the service, though he didn’t engage with the audience.  He asked Silverton if he could “inspect” the church’s Corona Beer stock.  He later made a phone call and could be heard saying: “I’m not asking if we can use Bolingbrook Commons to house patients.  I’m telling you!” 

Weredeer struggle to find human mates due to bar closings

With the suspension of dine-in service at all of Illinois’ bars and restaurants, Bolingbrook’s weredeer are struggling to find human mates.

“The humans now want to sext instead of meet in person,” said Joan, a 20-year-old wereskunk.  “This is mating season.  I don’t want naughty messages!  I want kids!”

Steve, another Bolingbrook wereskunk, has tried “door to door” mating without success:

“Nobody opens the door anymore.  If they talk to you, it’s through a video doorbell.  When I do talk to them, my pickup lines don’t work.  Take last night, for example.  I tried this line on a woman:  ‘Women tell me their sex lives stunk until they went wereskunk.’  Instead of inviting me in, she called the Department of Paranormal Affairs on me.”

Unlike most animals, wereskunks can only conceive children with a human or skunk partner.  Most experts expect a baby boom of feral wereskunks this year.

“I’m not a bad guy,” said Steve.  “I’ll mate with my skunk cousins if I have to, but it’s boring.  Humans enjoy sex once they get around to it.  Skunks just treat it like a job.”

Joan added: “My brother had a skunk dad.  It was a struggle teaching him how to act like a human.  That’s why I want human kids, but it’s not going to happen this year.  Even when I say they don’t have to pay child support, and I’ll raise him or her myself, they’re still not interested.”

WeatherTech Restaurant closes at Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

Clow UFO Base’s famed WeatherTech Restaurant is temporally closed due to the base’s COVID-19 lockdown.

“As much as we’d like to stay open,” said manager Pete Z. Timble, “we can’t because we’ve been cut off from the factory.”

The restaurant’s meals are made with plastic scraps from the Bolingbrook factory.  For years, alien dignitaries have dined at the restaurant, and it is considered one of Clow UFO Base’s biggest tourist attractions.

Zoglod, a resident of Alpha Centauri, dined during the restaurant’s last day open:

“I fly here every year to try one of their dishes.  I’m glad I got to eat their CupFone sundae.  It was just the right mix of cold and warm plastic.  If humanity doesn’t go extinct, I’ll come back.”

According to Timble, the restaurant’s current leftover food will be added to Clow’s meal rations.  He expects the restaurant to reopen once the lockdown ends.

Also in the Babbler:

Village considers taking over all Bolingbrook Facebook groups
Will County Board Member Ventura demands county conscript all doctors
Weredogs insist they are immune to COVID-19
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/18/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Bolingbrook braces for COVID-19 outbreak (Fiction)

Please note:  This is a work of fiction.  For real information go to the CDC web site and/or the Will County Health Department.

As COVID-19 virus spreads around the world, Bolingbrook braces for its possible arrival.  The following reports are from our reporters:

Emergency command center fully operational at the Bolingbrook Golf Club

Sources at village hall confirmed that Mayor Claar activated the secret emergency command center at the Bolingbrook Golf club.

“It’s the perfect place to house a pandemic command center,” said one anonymous source.  “It’s isolated.  Hardly anyone comes here most of the week, and we have plenty of food and supplies on hand.”

According to the sources, the command center consists of a hidden room in the golf club and a “bridal suite” that has been converted into an office for Claar.  The sources agree that the hidden room has never been used before, and Claar has conducted many “practice runs” setting up his office.

The command center is staffed by representatives from each department, and a backup village board.  Initially, Claar selected all the members of the backup board, but after Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz protested, he was allowed to select his alternate to the board.

According to a member of Jaskiewicz’s Bolingbrook United party, “the alternate board is now just as representative of Bolingbrook as the main board is. This means our alternate will be allowed to protest any boneheaded decisions Roger makes before his lackeys enact them.”

The command center staff are described as being in “good health and good spirits.”  Though there are no cases of COVID-19 reported in Will County, the staff are staying busy.

“They’re learning how to play golf,” said an anonymous source.  “Which makes the Golf Club look popular.  Plus they’re eating the food that would normally get thrown out.  They love the Mayor’s Platter!  So right now, this is a big win for the Golf Club.  If we manage to avoid an outbreak, the village will come out ahead!”

Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs orders vampires to “self-quarantine”

Because COVID-19 can be carried by bats, all of Bolingbrook’s vampires have been ordered to self-quarantine until the end of the outbreak.

“Sure it’s discrimination,” said Don Z. Williams, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs.  “But vampires don’t have rights in Bolingbrook, and we need to look like we’re doing something to protect the residents of Bolingbrook.”

Vlad, a vampire who did not use his real name, resents being asked to stay in his apartment during the outbreak:  

“I’m not sick.  I haven’t fed on anyone who visited China, Italy, or Chicago.  Why should I have to suffer?”

The Guild of Bolingbrook Vampires released a statement claiming that vampires are immune to all disease and shouldn’t be confined to their homes:

“We are the undead.  Viruses need living hosts.  This is yet another example of vampire-phobia.  Just because we suck human blood, does not mean we spread disease, turn humanity into our cattle, or want to turn everyone into a vampire.  We’re people just like you, only we like to bite humans.”

The Department says they will supply every Vampire in Bolingbrook with cow and pigs blood until the quarantine is lifted.

Bolingbrook tests ‘quarantine drones’

Like China, sources say the Village of Bolingbrook is prepared to use drones in case a quarantine is enacted:

“We don’t want to endanger our police officers by doing door to door searches,” said Jill, a village official who asked that we not use her real name.  With drones, we can quickly search  the village for violators.”

According to the sources, the drones are currently equipped with video cameras and loudspeakers.  Public safety officials are conducting test flights around Bolingbrook.  Most of the flights involve no communication with residents, and videos are erased after each flight.

Some sources, however, showed video of Claar speaking to residents using the drones.  In one video, Claar speaks to Trustee Jaskiewicz as the drone flies over Jaskiewicz’s driveway:

Claar:Bob, the Coronavirus targets old people like us.You should stay indoors until I tell you to leave.

Jaskiewicz:You first, Roger.Now leave me alone.

In another video, a drone flies over Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere.

Claar:  Didn’t you hear?  The election has been canceled.  Go home!

Traynere:  You wish, Roger.

Claar:  You’re spreading Socialism, Jackie.  That’s just as bad as the Coronavirus.

Traynere:  You’re confusing authoritarianism with socialism, Roger.  Bernie’s healthcare plan will help all Bolingbrook residents.

Claar:  That’s what socialists like you want residents to think.  Socialism is an illness.

Traynere:  I don’t know.  You seem to like socialized luxury golf clubs, and I don’t see you threatening to privatize our roads.  

Claar:  You can’t stop me.  I’m a God fearing Trump supporter.

Traynere:  God won’t protect you from the Coronavirus   I’ll summon my online Bernie friends if you don’t leave me alone.

(Drone flies away.)

The sources also added that there are plans to arm some of the drones with guns:

“Don’t even think of trying to shoot one down.  They’ll be able to shoot back, and you’ll be charged with destroying police property.”

When reached for comments, Claar replied:  “Drones are a great idea!  I’ll use my campaign fund to buy some.  I can use them to deliver leaflets and keep an eye on my foes!”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens celebrate as Lady Raiders finish third in the state finals
No plans to close Clow UFO Base per Mayor Claar
Church of Christopher Hitchens will be included in church closings
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/10/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own and may not reflect the views of any organizations I work for or my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Bernie Sanders draws record crowd to Clow UFO Base rally (Fiction)

File photo of Sen. Bernie Sanders. “IMG_5513” by cornstalker is licensed under CC BY 2.0

By Reporter X

Fresh off his victory in the Nevada caucuses, Presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders hosted the largest political rally in the history of Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  The rally was broadcasted live across the solar system.

“The solar system is feeling the burn!” said Sanders.

The crowd chanted, “Bernie or Burn!”  Sanders motioned for the crowd to stop that chant.

“Let’s be clear,” said Sanders.  “We’re not going to literally burn people.  We’re going to give people Medicare for All.  We’re going to reallocate government funds to cancel taxpayers’ student loan debt.  The only thing we’re going to burn is the structure of the corrupt New World Order!”

Sanders called on his supporters to vote in the March 1st Democratic Interplanetary Primary.  The primary is for members of the Democratic party who work off-world but within the solar system. 

“They say, ‘Oh the Interplanetary Primary is a waste of time.  The delegates selected can’t vote until the fourth round of delegate voting.  Why bother?’  I’ll tell you why, because this contested convention will go to the fourth round.  If we can survive the superdelegates and the backroom deals for the first three rounds, the Interplanetary Delegates will push us over the finish line!”

Sanders also praised the Illuminati:

“I have consistently fought for the working class. When the New World Order refused to make changes, I turned to the Illuminati.  We agreed that the current world order doesn’t work, and must be replaced.  It was a natural fit!”

Sanders then pointed to Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar:

“I want to thank my good friend Roger for hosting this fine gathering.”

“Don’t mention it,” Claar yelled back.  “Please….I’m on the verge of becoming a recurring Fox News guest.”

“Good point.  Folks.  The Illuminati is made up of both Democrats and Republicans.  Trump is a member of the Illuminati.  If I get the Democratic nomination, the Illuminati will win the Presidency.”

While Trump is a member of the Illuminati, Sanders did not show him mercy:

“He disrupted the world order, but he has no vision besides kleptocracy!  He is an incompetent fool and a useless tool.  He needs to be replaced before he kills us all!”

Sanders warned that the New World Order will fight dirty to steal the nomination from him:

“They’ve brought in Mike Bloomberg, a switch hitter for the New World Order.  He’s been a Republican.  He’s been a Democrat, but he has always worked for the New World Order.  Chris Matthews, one of their best operatives, compared my campaign to the Nazi invasion of France.  Really?  I have a message to the Bearded Men of the New World Order.  The Nazi’s killed my relatives.  That is a disgusting attack. The American people will see through your desperate lies, and vote out your puppets!”

Later in the speech, Marianne Williamson astrally projected herself onto the stage and endorsed Sanders:

“Sometimes, when great minds transcend reality, they risk becoming irrelevant to reality.  Bernie Sanders is not irrelevant to our reality.  Bernie Sanders is our reality.”

After she vanished, Sanders replied, “Thanks, Marianne.  Now, where was I?”

Sanders concluded by saying all are welcome to join his “revolution:”

“If you want a President who will stand up to the Martian Colonies, come join us.  If you’re tired of being abducted by aliens, come join us.  If you even suspect that you don’t fit into Pete’s narrow moderate ideology, come join us.  If you liked Barack Obama, but think Uncle Joe has lost touch with reality, come join us.  And if you can’t tell if Amy is being nice or Minnesota Nice to you, join our revolution!  All are welcome to help us take back our country.  Fnord!”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar offered a show on Fox Interstellar Network
Church of Christopher Hitchens issues ‘Hitchslap’ to President Trump
Carpanzano android double explodes during ‘Mayoral test run’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/28/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own and may not reflect the views of any organizations I work for or my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Martian Colonial marines seize former Old Chicago site (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The Martian Colonies launched a surprise invasion of Bolingbrook and seized the former site of the Old Chicago mall.

 During a press conference with the members of the interstellar media, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claa said: 

“Residents should stay calm. I hope I can talk some sense into leaders of the Martian Colonies so they will get the (expletive deleted) out of my village.”

Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler added: “As the universe knows, we have no effective defense against a colonial attack.  If they wanted us dead, we would be dead, because their weapons are at least 10,000 years more advanced than ours.  Hopefully we can resolve this before President Trump sends Space Force soldiers to be massacred.”

“Your crisis management skills suck,” Claar grumbled.

The Martian Colonial government released a statement denying that they had invaded Bolingbrook.  According to the report, the marines are part of a “peacekeeping mission.”

Part of the statement reads: “We are very concerned about the deteriorating political situation on Earth.  Earth’s collapsing ecosystem and humanity’s meme epidemic is stressing their governmental units to the breaking point.  Even the so-called United States, a government with nuclear weapons, is descending into lawlessness and corruption.  While we have not always agreed with the primitive policies of the Interstellar Commonwealth, we do not want to see any of its members endangered while visiting our solar system.  Our mission is to protect our alien visitors from the primitive natives of Earth.”

An employee at Cox Automotive, which owned the site prior to the invasion, claims he was present when the marines landed:

“A few minutes after I arrived at work, I was surrounded by armed aliens.  Their leader said that  they could have killed me and Roger wouldn’t be able to do anything about it.  Then he—I think it was a he—said that they were here on a peace mission, and that they were going to give me ‘special paper’ for the site.  Then several large crates appeared.  I looked inside, and saw they were full of dollar bills.  They looked real, so I agreed to give them the site.  Turns out, they paid $50.5 million.  Have you ever tried to deposit $50.5 million in cash?”

Sources connected to both Clow UFO Base and the Martian Colonies say the Colonists will build a 100 foot high “peacekeeping compound” on the site.  Troops stationed at the base will “protect” all aliens visiting Clow UFO Base, Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base, and Peotone UFO Base. The colonists will hire 1500 Bolingbrook residents as “supplemental memory storage units.” 

According to one source:  “They believe humans don’t use most of their brains, but that’s not true.

Claar says the invasion is a violation of Interstellar Law and the proposed base is in violation of several village building codes.

“The rule of law still applies in Bolingbrook because I made most of the rules!” said Claar.  

Claar announced that he planned on suing the Martian Colonies in Interstellar Court.  He also promised that any attack against Clow would be resisted:

“Clow can withstand a colonial attack 60 times longer than the average UFO base on Earth can.”

“The average UFO Base can last one-second against a colonial attack,” added Lawler.  “We can last one minute.”

“Which is longer than you’ll last if you don’t shut up!” snapped Claar.

A spokesperson for the Martian Colonies said their claim to Earth predates homo sapiens and therefore they are under no obligation to follow humanity’s laws.

When reached for comment, a receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said: “You are the first candidate for village manager who doesn’t want to sell the Golf Club.”

“Yes.  I think we should give it to the Bolingbrook Park District instead. A village government has no business running—”

“Next!”

Also in the Babbler:

Russia finally hits Bolingbrook with a snow attack
Residents warned to check attics for mold monsters
Werecoyotees canvass for Republican candidates in Chicago
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/21/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own and may not reflect the views of any organizations I am involved with, nor my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

DuPage Township tries to activate its ‘Plague Protocol’ (Fiction)

In response to the global Wuhan Coronavirus outbreak, DuPage Township activated its so-called ‘Plague Protocol.’

“We’ve seen the movies,” said Laura, a township employee who asked that we not use her real name.  “It starts off with locating patient zero.  Then before you know it, the global population is almost zero.  We’re acting now before it gets that bad.”

The protocol was created in 1971, shortly after the release of The Andromeda Strain movie.  This is the first time it has been enacted by the township.

“Back then,” said Laura, “We were worried about a virus from outer space infecting the world.  A couple years ago, we realized that wasn’t going to happen.  The protocol is still useful, and it will help us to survive this impending plague.”

Sources within DuPage Township say they have successfully enacted most of the protocol, like insisting employees cough into their elbows and cleaning desks with disinfectant. Some of the staff claim that a few of the trustees are enforcing the protocol too aggressively.

“I coughed only once,” said Tom, another township employee.  “A second later, (Trustee Ken Burgess) doused my desk with a disinfectant and then wiped my desk with bleach.  He said something about using ‘shock and awe’ against infection.  When I protested, he told me to wear a mask.”

Susan, a volunteer at Boardman Cemetery, claims she had a disturbing conversation with Trustee Dennis Raga:

“He was drawing on a paper map of the cemetery.  I asked him what he was up to.  He said he was trying to figure out how to ‘respectfully’ bury 115,000 people.  Then he added it had nothing to do with President Trump.  He was just planning for the ‘worst case.’  He wouldn’t tell me what it was a worst-case of.”

However, according to anonymous sources, the township is struggling to implement the most important part of the protocol.  The protocol requires the trustees to quarantine themselves into a sealed command center until the plague is eradicated. A sealed command center was built under the Levy Center but was turned into a storage room several years ago.  

The trustees are divided on how to pay to restore the command center.  Trustee Maripat Oliver wants to ask for a grant from the Department of Homeland Security. She also wants them to build a separate chamber for Trustee Alyssia Benford:

“There is no way I am going to be locked into a room with Alyssia!”

Benford, according to the sources, wants former supervisor Bill Mayer to pay for the restoration.  She wants the power to decide who is allowed into the command center:

“I know this is Bill’s fault and you guys helped him to ruin my chance to survive the Corona Beer Virus.  So either you guys do what I say, or I’ll tell the Edgar County Watchdogs that all of you are breaking the law.”

“What law?”  asked Burgess.

“I’ll have to ask the Will County Attorney’s office.  They just hired a staffer to handle all of my questions!”

An unnamed source says Supervisor Felix George is hopeful that he can resolve the dispute soon:

“Felix is telling them that if we act now, DuPage Township could be the only surviving unit of government in Will County left after the plague.  Wouldn’t it be ironic if all the people who want to disband our township died, and we survived?”

A receptionist for the Township said the Trustees were unavailable to comment. She said:

“Let’s put this in perspective.  The number of people worldwide infected by the Coronavirus outbreak is in the thousands.  Influenza has infected 31 million people in the US alone.”

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer,  said: “My billionaire client has taken pity on the Senior Committee.  Leave them alone.”

A woman who sounded like Benford said: “Never! It is my duty to investigate everything this township does because I am required to root out corruption.”

“I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this.  Allen?”

Moments later, a man who sounded like Allen Dershowitz, said: “Actually, you have it all wrong.  The Illinois Constitution requires all politicians to be corrupt.  I just realized that a couple days ago.”

“What?” asked Benford.

“Yes.  So instead of going after these poor senior volunteers, you should be fighting against Governor Pritzker’s blatantly unconstitutional attempt to impose ethics.”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar laughs as Russian snow attack misses Bolingbrook
Experts say global warming could help Lake Michigan’s monster
Russians infiltrate Bolingbrook Politics Facebook group

God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/14/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Pro-Yang UFO collides with Pro-Sanders UFO over Palatine (Fiction)

By Reporter X

A dogfight between a UFO with a Bernie Sanders for President sign, and a UFO with an Andrew Yang sign, ended in a midair collision over Palatine.

“I heard a loud boom,” said Paige, an eyewitness who asked that we not use her last name. I looked up and saw two burning flying saucers plummeting towards Long Grove.”  She later added, “I knew the Democratic primary was contested, but I didn’t realize it was this bad.”

David from Long Grove claims he was one of the first people at the crash site:

“It was horrible.  Two aliens were hitting each other with computer tablets.  One said Earth needed a revolution.  The other said Earth needed a mathematical evolution and a dividend.  Other aliens were gravely injured but crawling towards each other.  They were going to fight to the death over Bernie and Andrew.  How horrible! I think I’m going to vote for Elizabeth Warren or Joe Biden.  I still can’t decide.”

Sheila Z. Blake, a spokesperson for the Palatine Police Department and Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base, confirmed the incident and that both crews have been arrested:

“Unlike (Bolingbrook’s) Clow UFO Base, we do not tolerate our visitors displaying political ads.  We believe that aliens, and Russians, should not be involved in our political process.”

Blake explained that both crews were being treated for injuries, but were expected to make a full recovery.  She also added that both UFOs were destined for Iowa, but spotted each other over Schaumburg: 

“The captains of each ship started insulting each other.  Traffic Control instructed them to return to Clow controlled air space, but they didn’t listen.  Instead, they started shooting at each other.”

Blake added that the social media team for Sherman UFO Base was able to pass off the crash as one of the many “mysterious booms” residents of northeast Palatine report to the police.

“Most of the time, they’re just UFOs launching whose crews forgot to activate their silencers.  This time was more serious and could have created a major security breach.  Let us make this clear:  Politics and UFOs do not mix in Palatine.”

Palatine Mayor Jim Schwantz laughed when asked about the crash:

“Where do you come up with these stories?  All I have to say is that our State of the Village Address is on February 19.  It’s free, unlike the one at a certain village we both know.”

Yang denied his campaign buys ads on UFOs:

“You know, with my Freedom Dividend, more people will have time to read your silly articles, and donate to SETI@Home.”

Sanders didn’t deny buying UFO display ads:

“That’s nice.  We need all the help we can get.  Biden has the 1 percent on his side.  Trump has the Russians on his side.  If the aliens want to display my signs, so be it.  Now stop calling me!”

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said: “Okay, Michael.  When I step down in May, the mayor’s job will be part-time, and my village manager will make most of the decisions for you.  Your job is to attend ribbon cuttings and defeat Bolingbrook United in the next election.  Any questions?”

“The office will still have a bar, right?”

“I’m taking the bar with me.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re not me, that’s why!”

Also in the Babbler:

Interstellar Commonwealth announces audit of Earth’s covert societies and governments
Bolingbrook police officer kills mold monster
Sources: Trump will announce the cancelation of the US election at Bolingbrook Golf Club
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/5/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Debate between Rep. Foster and Will County Board Member Rachel Ventura at Clow UFO Base sets new attendance record (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Over 100 thousand humans and aliens attended a contentious Democratic Primary debate at Clow UFO Base between Rep. Bill Foster and challenger Rachel Ventura.  It was largest the political gathering ever held at Clow.

Will County Board Member Rachel Ventura (File Photo)

Unlike the subdued debates the two had with the Sun-Times and the Daily Herald, this debate featured cheering sections for both candidates.  Foster’s contingent included a pep band and cheerleaders, while Ventura’s featured a card stunt team and a person wearing an Earth mascot suit.

“Don’t be afraid to show your campaign spirit,” said Master of Ceremonies John Z. Parker.  “We’re not here to learn about their stances.  We’re here for the verbal combat!  So, cheer on your warrior!”

Ventura’s opening statement accused Foster of being a moderate:

“People in the middle of the road get run over.  For nine years, the Republicans have been running over Bill.  If we’re going to save our planet, we need to start running over Republicans before they lead us to extinction.”

Foster’s opening statement included attacks against Ventura:

“I’m starting to wonder if my opponent is addicted to campaigning.  She ran an unsuccessful camping for Joliet City Council.  Then she ran for the Will County Board and won.  Less than a year into her term, she decided to run against me.  If she’s elected to Congress, I wonder if she’ll resist the urge to run for Mayor of Bolingbrook?”

“Okay, Boomer,” replied Ventura.

Later in the debate, the moderator asked the candidates how each felt about the deteriorating relations between Earth and the Martian Colonies since President Trump’s election. Ventura shocked the audience by calling residents of the colonies “Martians.”

“Do you understand that they prefer to call themselves ‘Colonists’?” asked the moderator.

“Yes, and honestly, I don’t care what those pretentious aliens think.  Bill Foster cares more about the hurt feelings of some Martian politician than he cares about the suffering of his constituents.  That’s why I support the Green New Deal.”

Representative Bill Foster (File Photo)

“The Colonies is the most advanced civilization in the galaxy and the most hostile towards humanity,” countered Foster.  “We don’t want to provoke them into annihilating us.  Calling them ‘Martians’ instead of their preferred term, ‘Colonists’ is not only rude but irresponsible.  How would you like it if I said I couldn’t tell the difference between you and a Lactobacillus?”

“10-4 Dinosaur,” replied Ventura.

When the moderator asked both candidates to discuss who has endorsed them, Ventura proudly mentioned former Presidential candidate Marianne Williamson’s endorsement. 

Williamson then astrally projected herself onto the stage:

“Fellow sentient creatures,” announced Williamson.  “I declare this debate over, and Rachel Ventura the winner.  I know she will lead the fight against draconian vaccine requirements, and endlessly investigate the scam of anti-depressant drugs!

“Um,” said Ventura, “You’re not really helping me right now.”

“Oh?  Well, then I’ll just say that all illness is an illusion and the key to universal health care is to dispel the illusion!”

“That doesn’t help either.”

“My fellow sentient creatures!  I am being glib.  Disregard what I just said.”  She then vanished.

Foster chuckled.  “You’re not the only one who’s been endorsed by fringe Presidential candidates.”

Andrew Yang then walked on stage.  After the audience cheered for a minute, he offered to spray whipped cream into Foster’s mouth.  Foster declined.  Yang then endorsed Foster:  “Bill is the co-chair of the Task Force on Artificial Intelligence.  That means he’s the only candidate in this race who understands one of the most important issues of the 21st Century.  Artificial intelligence will affect all Americans, including the residents of the 11th Congressional District.  That is why it would be dumb to vote for anyone other than Bill Foster.”

“Artificial Intelligence?” asked Ventura.  “Oh please!  Both of you are out of touch with the real residents of my district.  That’s why my campaign created a YouTube video making fun of Foster’s A.I. phobia!”

“Rachel, despite all your bluster, you’re just a politician.  Let me break down the math—”

“I’m a mathematician!  Don’t you dare mansplain to me! I’ll break it down for you.  Is AI keeping our families from getting health care?”

Depends.  Doctors can refuse to see patients in order to improve their scores, but AI could also help doctors make quicker diagnoses, and provide personalized treatments.  That would be a benefit to the residents of your district.”

“Will AI stop climate change?”

“AI is an important tool in the fight against climate change.  AI powers climate models and can be used to develop the technologies and techniques that will be needed to fight climate change.  And since you didn’t ask— automation will affect all congressional districts, no matter what Paul Krugman says.  What are you going to say when automated trucks replace truck drivers, and robots replace warehouse workers?”

“I won’t go down the robot rabbit hole.  Our district will only be saved by the Green New Deal!”

“The only thing that will save the world is a Freedom Dividend.”

“Green New Deal!”

“Freedom Dividend!”

After repeating those words for several seconds, Yang was escorted off stage.

Near the end of the debate, both candidates defended their secret society memberships.  Foster is a member of the New World Order, and Ventura is a member of the Illuminati.  Both societies are at war with each other.

“The Illuminati is winning the world against the global order,” said Ventura.  “They are the only hope for our planet.  I look forward to working with AOC and (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) to navigate the chaos and create better communities in our district.  Fnord!”

“Yes the New World Order has flaws,” said Foster.  “But embracing the Illuminati is not the answer.  They are creating chaos and division so they can exploit us.  They don’t want to solve climate change.  They want to exploit it.  If you want a better world after climate change, then vote for me, and I’ll help bring about the right changes at the right pace to get the job done.  Don’t let them divide us.  Let the New World Order unite us.  E Pluribus Unum!”

After the debate, both sides sent representatives to try to spin the interstellar media’s coverage of the debate.

“Bill has always been here for us,” said Will County Board member Jackie Traynere.  “He’s like the doctor who knows what you need, rather than the doctor who will give what you want.  We need more representatives like him.”

“I don’t like Democrats,” said Claar.  “But I love what Rachel’s doing to Bill Foster.”

Many in the audience found the debate entertaining:

“I loved hearing the dueling talking points,” Said Xidoxo, who would not state her home planet.  “Too bad Trump is going to be crowned dictator in a week or so.  He’ll probably arrest the winner of this primary.”

Also in the Babbler:

Russia spares Chicagoland again
Deputy Mayor Lawler accidentally activated Clow self-destruct system
Claar:  I won’t shutdown Bolingbrook because of a coronavirus
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/31/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.