Village Board attends the first Bolingbrook’s Enlightened Discussion conference (Fiction)

Village Board members and selected guests attended the first Bolingbrook’s Enlightened Discussion conference, which was held during the Bolingbrook Jubilee.  Modeled after the popular T.E.D. conferences, the goal of B.E.D, according to promotional materials, is to promote “Real talk about real solutions for Bolingbrook’s real residents.”

Hosted at the Village Hall, attendees divided their time between speakers and the festival outside.

“I’ve never been to a conference that also had carnival rides,” Said John, a Bolingbrook business owner who asked that we not publish his last name.  “This is fun and enlightening.  That’s what makes Bolingbrook, Bolingbrook.”

One of the organizers, who asked not to be identified, said the conference, which has been in the planning stages since 2010, is important to the future of Bolingbrook:  “There’s a certain group of people who always complain about things, but never offer solutions.  At least we’re offering solutions.  Solutions that are so far outside the box, you can’t see the box.”

Speaker Blake Walker Swain talked about term limits would affect Bolingbrook:  “We know one four year term is too short.  Bolingbrook has had too many one term or less mayors.  We know two terms isn’t long enough either.  Just look at Mayor Bob Bailey.  Everyone here knows that Bolingbrook functions best when we have an unconstrained mayor that is unconstrained.”

Swain proposed that Bolingbrook mayors should be elected to one 40 year term and trustees should be appointed to a ten-year term.  The mayor could reappoint trustees at their discretion.

“The usual suspects won’t like this plan,” said Swain.  “But intellectually, we know this is a good plan.  It includes term limits, which one side wants, and it does away with mob rule, which is what Bolingbrook real residents want.”

Thomas Z. Miller proposed abolishing local taxes and fees, and replacing them with an online fundraising page:  “It would be just like Patreon.  The more you donate each month, the more benefits you would receive.  Now the usual suspects would say this is corruption.  But I say its common sense, and I’m sure the thought leaders in the audience agree with me.”

Mayor Roger Claar and the trustees who are members of Claar’s Bolingbrook First party smiled and nodded during the speeches.

Near the end of the conference, Bolingbrook United trustee Robert Jaskiewicz said to Claar: “All I’m hearing are proposals.  When do we get to the discussion part?  I want to go over the problems with these ideas.”

 Claar reached into a cooler and pulled out a frozen Asian Carp.  He extended it towards Jaskiewicz.

“What are you doing?”  asked Jaskiewicz.

Claar pulled the fish back and examined it.  “It didn’t trigger Bob.  What am I doing wrong?”

Also in the Babbler:

Jaycees remove psychic from bingo tent
Residents upset over the lack of UFO rides at the Jubilee
Time traveler confused by cover bands performing at the Jubilee
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/22/18

Web Exclusive: Columnist Onofrey conducts the first poll of the 2019 Bolingbrook Trustee Election (Fiction)

By Dale Onofrey

Hello.  If you have been a long time reader of the Babbler, then you’ll remember that I used to write the Skeptical of Skeptics column.  Today, we’re part of the Freethought Blogs network, and the skeptical movement is just a fraction of the threat it used to be to open-mindedness.  So I don’t need to write that column anymore.  Instead, the editor was kind enough to let me stay on as a political pundit.  Thanks, Sara Langston.

For my first political column, I decided to see where Bolingbrook’s residents stand on the upcoming 2019 Board election.  Yes, we’re still dealing with the 2018 election, but who says we can’t look ahead to next year?  So here’s the result of our first Babbler poll in nearly 20 years:

Which political party do you want to win the 2019 Bolingbrook Trustee Election?

Bolingbrook United:  40%

The Roger Claar Party:  20%

The Art Bell Party:  20%

Bolingbrook Pride Reborn: 20%

Bolingbrook First: 0%

The Zero Tax Party: 0%

The Skepchick Party: 0%

Other: 0%

Based on this poll, it looks like Bolingbrook United is in a strong position heading into the election.  Bolingbrook Pride Reborn is going strong considering they haven’t run a candidate since the 1980s.  If they can get on the ballot, it’s possible they could form an alliance with Bolingbrook United and take over the village board.  

Despite the name, The Roger Claar party isn’t affiliated with Mayor Roger Claar.  Usually, Claar kicks them off the ballot, and the courts affirm his decision.  If they get on the ballot for 2019, then they could take at least one seat from Bolingbrook First.  We could end up with a Board meeting where these two parties debate which is the most supportive of Claar.  That’s probably why Claar has raised over $300,000 for his campaign fund—  He knows he will need that much to support the Bolingbrook First party and to maintain his lifestyle.

Of course, things could change when the candidates are announced sometime in December.  Until then, this poll will inspire months worth of columns, most of which you can only read in the print edition of the Babbler.  It’s going to be a fun election season next year.

From the Webmaster:  This poll is based on a convenience sample of five people on Twitter.  Assuming everyone who participated was a Bolingbrook resident, the margin of error is ±43.826%. 

Proud Boys defeated by Antifa space aliens (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Alien Antifa fighters dealt a humiliating defeat to members of the Proud Boys who tried to violently end the occupation of Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

“Our armor, our sticks, and our white skin weren’t enough,” cried one Proud Boy, who refused to be identified.  “They must have had help from the Space Jews.  They’re not cool like Netanyahu.”

The twelve members gathered outside Clow Airport, wielding wooden sticks. They were wearing helmets, black and yellow polo shirts, and homemade armor. Their leader, Clint, read a statement to this reporter saying that “space aliens with ties to space Muslims and anti-Western ideologies” had captured Clow UFO Base.  The Cook County Democrats, he claimed, were “preventing Bolingbrook’s Mayor Clark (sic) from doing what needs to be done.”  He also called Bolingbrook a “Space Alien Sanctuary City” and said his group would free the residents from “Illegal Space Aliens.”  Clint added that the Proud Boys, while having ties to white nationalists groups, were not white nationalists, but were pro-Western Civilization.

“We can’t help that the West is white,” said Clint.

The men then marched in formation towards the airport chanting “Space Jews will not replace us!” and “Islam is a virus from outer space!”  When they reached the flag poles, the members started defecating in their clothes.  Clint ordered them to start reciting brands of breakfast cereal.  

Seconds later, a Martian Colonial battleship hovering over the airport de-cloaked.  The Proud Boys angrily waved their wooden sticks at it.  The word “Antifa” appeared on the craft before the crew fired a cognitive dissonance ray at the protesters.  The men fell to the ground screaming.

“These thoughts invaded my head,” said an unnamed Proud Boy.  “Like a black man pioneered blood banking and the Chinese invented gunpowder.  Then I started thinking that maybe Western Civilization was created by people of diverse backgrounds.”  He screamed.  “I’m sorry, those thoughts still cause me pain.”

After the attack, Clint ordered the Proud Boys to run away.  They were then arrested by the Bolingbrook Police.

“You can’t arrest us!”  shouted Clint.  “We’re trying to make America great again.  You’re supposed to protect us from Antifa.”

After the protesters showered, and a cleaning service washed their clothes, Mayor Roger Claar met with them.  According to sources, Claar said he would release them since he didn’t to “deal with the headache of Internet racists.”  He added that all the protesters were now banned from Bolingbrook, and would be arrested if they ever came back.

“I don’t care about the color of your skin.  I only care if you’re a resident or a foe.”

The Proud Boys refused to be interviewed after being released from jail.  One was overheard saying, “We should have gone to Washington.  They needed more people.”  An email to their website was not returned.

A receptionist for Claar said he was out of the office, and that there was already a line of people waiting for him.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts said, “Look at this Charlene.  I’m leading the Bolingbrook Politics poll to be the next Mayor of Bolingbrook.”

“You’re welcome,” said Charlene.

“Wait a minute.  You rigged the poll?”

“No.  I told my international friends about the poll and they jumped in to vote.  The proper term is pharyngulate.  They deserved it for running an unscientific online poll.”

“That wasn’t nice Charlene.  You’re an evil atheist.”

“I self-identify as amoral.  Anyway, it’s all part of my plan to make you the next mayor of Bolingbrook.  Just imagine all the tax dollars you could forward to the Bolingbrook STEM Association as mayor.”

“I don’t need your help, Charlene.  God is on my side, I was elected to DuPage Township, and I was mentored by Leroy Brown.”

“Oh please.  First, I wouldn’t mention the Dupage Township, if I were you.  Second, Leroy Brown was a nice guy.  I loved Leroy.  Roger loved Leroy.  Jackie loved Leroy.  How many terms did he serve as mayor?    Third, you won’t win the pity vote.  Michael Lawler wins that in a landslide.”

“Pity vote?”

“Yeah.  ‘We appointed Sheldon because he’s a nice guy.  Then Bolingbrook United beat him by running three candidates against him.  Then Bob said mean things about Sheldon when we appointed him again.  You should elect him as mayor because he deserves a participation trophy.’”

“Participation trophy?  That’s not what being the mayor is about.  You really are mean.”

“Yes, meanness is part of the job of the Covert Social Media Operative.  I’m just being honest with you, but I also want you to win, and I have a better plan to give you the victory you deserve.”

“I’m afraid to ask.”

“All you have to do is be your nice, pious self.  I will be working with my friend Igor to ensure your victory next year and in the 2021 election.  Once I explain to Igor that Montgomery, Alabama isn’t in Will County, he’ll create proper—”

“La!  La!  La!  I can’t hear you.  Jesus loves me.  STEM is good.  Bolingbrook is the best place to live in America!”

Also in the Babbler:

Rep. Roskam:  My pants aren’t on fire, lying Sun-Times!
Hidden Lakes Monster to get a tunnel to Whalon Lake
Wheaton refuses to lift the ban on black magic
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/15/18

Wereskunks canvass Bolingbrook for Republican candidates (Fiction)

Many Bolingbrook residents claim to have met weresunks canvassing for Republican candidates.

Dolly, (not her real name) said two weresunks knocked on her door.  According to her, one of them said, “(Congressman) Bill Foster stinks, and you stink if you support him.”

The other one said, “I’ll mark your house so everyone will know you’re a stinking Foster voter.”

“I told them I was going to call the police,” said Dolly.  “I swear, one of them turned in to a 10-foot tall man-skunk with sharp claws.  It said calling the police was the wrong answer.  I slammed the door and locked it.  It sprayed the door and the front yard!  I thought tiny skunks were bad.”  Dolly added that she had to spend a fortune on peroxide, baking soda, and liquid detergent to deodorize her home.

Shannon encountered another group of wereskunk canvassers while walking home:  “They shoved a flyer in my hand and said I should vote for Alyssia Benford for State Representative.  I said she should fix the mess she helped make at the DuPage Township before fixing the mess in Springfield.”

According to Shannon, the canvassers confessed to being wereskunks, and they were really working on behalf of Mayor Roger Claar.  The wereskunks said that if the Republicans swept all of the races on the November Ballot, Claar would continue to ban garbage toters.  Garbage bags were more manageable for their cousins to open than garbage toters.

Shannon added, “One of them dropped his pants and turned around.  He said he would spray me if I didn’t vote for Benford.  I ran away.  I didn’t know what they would do if I told them that Jackie Traynere was running unopposed.”

Shannon also claimed that she heard the wereskunks chant: “Vote for Benford.  Vote for Claar.  Let our scent fill the air!”

An anonymous Will County Republican Party Official denied the wereskunks were working for the party.  “You guys are the pioneers of fake news.  Well, after we win all of our elections, the public will never trust the liberal media again.”

A person in the background sobbed and said, “It’s hopeless.  We’re going to be wiped out in November, and our donors will demand a refund!”

“Shut up!” snapped the Republican official.  “(Senator Rand Paul) is going to Russia to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

A member of the Foster campaign said she wasn’t worried about the wereskunks: “I can say this now that the canvassers have left.  Our only worry is when I’ll be able to sing my new song at the victory party.”

She started singing, “We’re gonna ride the blue wave” to the melody of “Wipeout.”

An aide to Claar denied the existence of wereskunks:  “Really, guys?  Wereskunks?”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said:   “I’m calling you today because you’re a loyal Republican, just like me.  You’ve always supported our party no matter what. This election, supporting our party means supporting Congressman Dan Lipinski.  We need—What?  You’re still voting for Arthur Jones?  He’s a neo-Nazi.  Since our party couldn’t agree on a write-in candidate, you might as well vote for Dan.  He voted with Trump 45 percent of the time this year.  Wait!  What do you mean you want to own a liberal?”

Also in the Babbler

Village urges calm as Martian Colonial battleship hovers over Clow UFO Base
New World Order surveys Palatine for UFO Base sites
FBI destroys ‘compromising’ photo of Rep. Roskam in a map room
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/8/18

Village Board celebrates opening of ‘troll farm’ in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Members of the Village Board attended a ribbon cutting ceremony for Bolingbrook’s newest business, American Engagement.  The company, according to its press release, “aggressively promotes the interests of our clients on the Internet and restlessly pursues those who oppose their interests.”

Meme of a man spearing a carp.

“Carped” meme created by a Bolingbrook troll farm. (The Babbler staff choose not to show the subject’s face because he is not a public figure.)

“I’ve heard you’ve been called a ‘troll farmer,’ said Mayor Roger Claar to owner Craig Z. Bell.  “I don’t see any trolls here.  I see hard-working residents participating in the 21st-century economy.”

Bell thanked the mayor and trustees for attending the grand opening.  “Before my parents gave me my startup funding, they said that no one was better than the Russians at meme generation and forum engagement.  I replied that not only could Americans compete with the Russians, we could provide a better service than they can.  They gave me the money.  Roger gave me the opportunity, and here we are.  I’m proud to be a Bolingbrook business employing Bolingbrook residents.

After the ribbon cutting, Bell took the trustees on a tour of the facility, which was once a warehouse.  According to Bell, the facility is open 24 hours, and employees are paid to monitor and participate in thousands of social media groups and Reddit communities using specialized accounts.

“Each specialized account is maintained by at least three employees, providing 24 hours of continuous engagement on behalf of our clients.  All of our employees are legal US residents.”

“Don’t you mean fake accounts?”  asked Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz.

“Why are you so hostile towards local businesses, Bob?” countered Claar.

Bell introduced the board members to an employee who did not say his name.  He said hi, then took pictures of Trustees Deresa Hoogland and Maria Zarate.

“Thanks.  I needed more chick pics.”

Bell chuckled and said, “He’s going to make both of you Internet famous.”

“Ooh,” replied Hoogland.  “That means more Internet viewers when I read my public service announcements.”

In addition to “forum engagement,” Bell said AE also produces memes.  He then showed them their “Carped” meme:

“This is the first of what we hope will be many successful memes.  You should see the engagement numbers in Bolingbrook Politics and Bolingbrook Rants and Raves.

“Wait a minute,” said Claar.  “You know this is a picture of one of my supporters.”

“Yeah, and he shouldn’t start arguments with people before blocking them.  Roger, this is all in good fun.  The important thing is that if we can create engaging content about a little-known resident, imagine what we could do for or against politicians or annoying activists.”

Bell then showed the board a meme they plan on releasing next year.  It was a painting of Trustee Sheldon Watts arm wrestling with Will County Board member Jackie Traynere.  The spirits of deceased Trustee Leroy Brown and deceased former Mayor Ed Rosenthal are pushing Sheldon’s hand.  A demon and Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel are pushing Jackie’s hand.

“That’s so beautiful,” said Watts.

“Are memes like this really good for democracy?” asked Jaskiewicz.  

“Bob, we told you not to criticize Sheldon because he was mentored by Leroy.  Have you no respect for the dead?”

“We’re a republic, not a democracy,” added Bell.

At a reception following the tour, a woman walked up to Bell:  “Hi.  I’m a new village employee.  As part of my new hire testing, I’m supposed to give you this check.”

Bell accepted the check.  Jaskiewicz looked at Claar and frowned.  Claar took the new hire aside:

“You were supposed to wait until after Bob left.”

Also in the Babbler:

The Prophet Mohammad rumored to be attending Joyfest
Susan Sarandon supports Clow UFO Base Occupation
Russian trolls vow to destroy the DuPage Township
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/1/18

Space Aliens to be evicted from Americana Estates (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Space aliens living in Bolingbrook’s Americana Estates subdivision received eviction notices from the Village of Bolingbrook.

“The village can no longer maintain the illusion that we own 46 vacant lots in an expensive subdivision,” said Joan Armstrong, a spokesperson for the Department of Interstellar Affairs.  We need to fill those lots with visible homes, and that is not consistent with housing our visitors.”  Armstrong added that Clow UFO Base will have more than enough space to house all alien visitors.

Though Clow UFO Base is currently under the control of aliens protesters, Armstrong insisted that the evictions were not a retaliatory response.

Zabz, president of the Americana Estates Interstellar Residents Association, disagreed:  “(Mayor Roger Claar) said we had to stop the protest or there would be consequences.  We have no control over the occupation.  That’s why we’re staying in our homes.  Now we have to leave.  Do you know what the penalty is for a visitor to be homeless?  Death!”

Golez, a 5-year resident, feels betrayed by Claar:  “He said he was going to move here, add android guards, and let us live here for the rest of our lives.  Everything he said was untrue!  I might have to hitchhike all the way to Hub 35 so I can get a ride home on a cargo ship.”

Sources close to opposition Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz claim he is working with the New World Order to secure homes for the displaced residents:

“I’m sure Peotone and Palatine would love to have our visitors,” said one anonymous source, who was referring to the bases that the NWO will start constructing this year.  “Honestly, Bob and I want all of our visitors to stay in Bolingbrook.  That’s not possible now.  We wouldn’t be in this mess if Roger had remained a loyal member of the NWO.  Instead, he had to join the Illuminati, and support Trump.  Now, look where we are.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was in an important meeting and could not be disturbed for a comment.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts said: “Charlene has been using the Bolingbrook STEM Association’s servers to make sock puppet accounts on Facebook.”

“I’m working on behalf of my client, Governor Rauner,” said Charlene.

“You were posting anti-Township propaganda in the Bolingbrook Politics group.”

“They’re such a waste of money and they drive up everyone’s property taxes.”

“You know I used to be a DuPage Township trustee, right?”

“I’m sorry, and now that you’re with us—”

“Charlene!” said a man who sounded like Claar.  “First of all, what is a sock puppet?”

“It’s an alternative persona.  I used several of them to persuade liberals and conservatives to unite against townships.  Let me demonstrate with this real sock puppet.  ‘I love Trump, I love corruption, and I love—’”

“I get the point,” Said the man who sounded like Claar.

“You’ve been naughty, Charlene,” said the man who sounded like Watts.  “The Bolingbrook First Party doesn’t need—”

“I got this, Sheldon.”

A few minutes later, the man who sounded like Claar said, “So you waged war against the DuPage Township?”

“Yes, and I also persuaded them to start reading Rauner’s alternative newspapers.  I explained that because there’s some truth in them, they’re just as valid as the so-called mainstream press.”

“That’s like saying because a broken clock is right twice a day, it’s just as valid as a working clock.”

“Huh?  Oh yeah.  That’s analog thinking.  I like it.”

“I guess that’s a compliment.  Anyway, they bought it?”

“Yes.”

“That’s impressive.  You’re still on my side, right?”

“Absolutely.  I’ve invested too much time and effort to back out now.”

“That’s good.  As you know, your parents made several donations to Heart Haven Outreach to pre-pay any fines I might have to impose on you.  I think it’s fair to use one, don’t you?”

“Yes.  Thank you.”

“Now, how do I get into the newspaper business?”

Also in the Babbler:

Former Representative Joe Walsh pranked by a space alien
Chicago scientists reject Michael Shermer’s application for immortality
Bolingbrook woman sees an image of James Randi at Meijer
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/18/18

Web Exclusive Editorial: Really Roger? (Mixed)

From the Babbler Editorial Board:

Nowadays, there is always someone posting live commentary on social media during public events.  It should be common knowledge, but apparently, Mayor Roger Claar isn’t aware of this.

During the July 10 Village Board meeting, Jason Cann, the administrator of the Bolingbrook Politics Facebook group, sat in the audience and posted his live commentary.  Others in the group joined in.  Near the end of the meeting, Claar looked out at Cann and said: “Mr. Cann, you’ve got all these questions and facts you’ve brought up on the Internet.  Why don’t you come up here and get the facts?”  When Cann declined to approach the podium, Claar then sarcastically addressed his questions and comments.

Setting aside the question of why Claar is browsing social media during a public meeting, we feel that his behavior was more than inappropriate. It seemed to us to be an intimidation attempt— Like a teacher calling a student up to the front of the class to embarrass them.  Board meetings are not classrooms, and Bolingbrook residents are not students.  Claar should know the difference,  as he has worked in both education and politics.

 It has been a rough month for Claar.  Between losing control of Clow UFO Base and a possible Russian weather attack against the All American Celebration, we can understand why he would be upset.  He must, however, know that he is a public servant and not the king of Bolingbrook.  

There are other ways Claar could have dealt with Cann.  We agree with Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz’s suggestion that Claar and Cann could have met in private to discuss their differences.  Claar could have presented his case on social media as well.  He has a Facebook account, an inactive Twitter account, and at least two Facebook groups that are allied with him.  Additionally, he could have addressed the comments without calling out Cann.

The value of an idea or the validity of a complaint isn’t based on whether or not it is presented in front of the entire Village Board.  Good ideas can come from Facebook posts, and bad ideas can come from elected officials.  Jaskiewicz is correct to believe that Roger’s behavior could discourage others from expressing their concerns or presenting their views.  We need more residents to be aware of what’s going on and to be more willing to offer their suggestions.

We don’t agree with everything Cann writes about the village, but we are glad that the Internet gives the people of Bolingbrook an opportunity to offer their views and suggestions about their community.  At times it’s not pretty — but its part of democracy and Bolingbrook could use more democracy.

Web Exclusive: Space Force defeated by Bolingbrook’s fireworks (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The US Space Force’s first operation ended in disaster over Bolingbrook. A space glider was struck by fireworks during Bolingbrook’s All American Celebration. Fifty space marines were injured when the shuttle crashed in the backyard of a Farmstead Lane residence.

Judith, who asked that we not use her real name, saw the shuttle crash:  “A bunch of colorful fireworks went off, then I saw a blue flash and heard a loud boom.  Then I saw a fiery streak in the sky.  I thought maybe a firework hit a drone.  Then I realized that it was moving towards my neighborhood, and it was much bigger than a drone.”

Bob, who also asked that we not use his real name, said the shuttle crashed in his neighbor’s backyard:  “I heard a loud boom, which wasn’t unusual for the day.  My kitchen windows shattering, that was unusual.  I ran outside and saw this black space shuttle lying in a crater.  At first, I wondered if it was a Space ISIS craft, then I saw the words ‘USSF Trump’ printed on the side.  It was one of ours.”

According to anonymous sources within Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs, the US Space Force’s shuttle was transporting special forces soldiers. They were on a mission to recapture Clow UFO Base from alien protesters currently occupying the base.  The shuttle was supposed to land at Clow Airport but was diverted to the Bolingbrook Golf Club on orders from President Donald Trump.

“Apparently, Donald still remembers the fundraiser (Mayor Roger Claar) held for him there,” said one anonymous source.

Other sources described Mayor Roger Claar’s teleconference with Trump.  After wasting several minutes trying to provide the details of the accident, Claar tore off two pieces of paper from his notebook.  He wrote on the first piece of paper and held it up to the camera:.

“This is the number 50,” said Claar.

“That’s a good number,” replied Trump.

“That was the number of combat-ready troops at the start of this mission.”

“They’re killers.  All of them.”

Claar then wrote on the second piece of paper, then held it up to the camera.

“This is the number zero.”

“I like paying zero taxes.”

“Me too, but this is also the number of combat-ready troops after the mission.”

“I sent you over a thousand!  What happened to them?”

“I don’t know about the other 950, but I know 50 were taken out when you ordered their shuttle to fly into our fireworks display.  Why?  We secured a flight path to keep the shuttle away from the fireworks.”

“My generals said, ‘Sir!  We have to follow this flight path.’ I said the smart—”

“I don’t care!  Just send more troops.  Your mistake set my plans back a month!”

“I was going to send you a million troops, but you were uncivil to me.  I don’t make mistakes.  I’m smart.  Say that again, and you’ll face a primary challenge.”

“Yes.  I am still a Republican and I am obligated to support you no matter what you may say, do, or tweet.”

“Yes, what?”

“Yes… Sir!”

“That’s better.  Now, move your golf club closer to the airport before my next fundraiser.  Did I tell you I’m going to be building a space wall and making the aliens pay for it?”

The soldiers are currently staying in a secret wing of Adventist Bolingbrook Hospital. They are expected to make a full recovery.

The White House released a statement saying they could not confirm nor deny the presence of military operatives in Bolingbrook.

Space aliens capture Clow UFO Base and demand fair treatment for immigrants (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs announced that it had evacuated all humans from Clow UFO Base.  The move follows a week of protests by aliens against US Immigration policy, some of which became violent.

“As a precautionary measure, we have closed Clow UFO Base and sealed the access points,” said spokesperson Joan Armstrong.  “Clow Airport is still open. There is no danger at this time to the residents of Bolingbrook.  Though some aliens are stealing supplies from the airport.”

Armstrong added that residents should prepare themselves for the possible declaration of a “state of minor annoyance,” but did not state what that would involve.

“If we told you, then you would tell everyone, including the foes of Bolingbrook.  We need to keep the foes of Bolingbrook off-guard.  We ask the residents to trust that (Mayor Roger Claar) will act in the best interest of the real residents of Bolingbrook.”

The Coalition for the Respectful Treatment of Sentient Beings, which claims to represent the protesters, released a statement claiming that they had full control of Clow UFO Base:  “This weekend, we stand in solidarity with the thousands of human protesters fighting for immigrant rights.  We, too, oppose the forced separation of families, and indefinite family detention.  Human leaders say they want to someday immigrate to our planets.  Our reply is simple.  Don’t immigrate to our worlds until you fix your immigration policies first.”

Claar refused to give an interview, but the Department of Interstellar Affairs did release the following statement from him:  “Invaders have disrupted operations at Clow UFO Base.  Even though the Interstellar Commonwealth and the Illuminati partially own Clow, it is ultimately my base!  I have nothing to do with US immigration policy or immigration policy in Hungary, Denmark or Italy. These are not innocent protesters.  These are operatives working under the direction of the New World Order, hostile interstellar powers, and the Bolingbrook United Party.  They will be defeated, and the Illuminati will help me to retake Clow.  All foes must show me complete civility by next week, or be destroyed! Ford!”

Armstrong also blamed Representative Bill Foster for the situation at Clow UFO Base:  “Representative Foster’s irresponsible statements regarding immigration have inspired the criminals responsible for the disruption of operations. We need more Congressmen likeRepresentativee Peter Roskam who will keep the government out of interstellar affairs.  His willful ignorance of the existence of aliens is refreshing, and we hope will inspire real Americans to build a Red Seawall to stop the Blue Wave!”

A spokesperson for Foster laughed before ending the call.

In a video chat, an intern for the Roskam campaign denied that the Congressman was willfully ignorant of aliens:  “Peter wants solutions to real problems.  Space aliens aren’t a real problem for the residents of the Sixth District.  In fact, Peter is about to talk to the third constituent he’s met during this campaign.  This is history!”

The camera then focused on Roskam knocking on a door.  A young woman opened the door.

“Hello,” said Roskam.  “I am Representative Peter Roskam, and I am running for re-election.  I love maps, and this map says you live in a Bernie Sanders Household.  Like Bernie, I don’t like the Clinton-controlled Democrat Party.  I too want to replace Obamacare.  Sean Casten supports Obamacare.  Don’t you think this means he’s a secret Crooked Hillary supporter?”

The woman turned her head inside and yelled, “Guess who finally showed up?”

Another woman walked up to the doorway.  “Peter,” she cried.  “You finally came!”

“Do I know you?”

“I’m Amanda Howland.  I ran against you in 2016.  Now that you’re here, we can finally have our debate!”

Roskam ran away and pulled out his cell phone.  Howland ran after him.

“You’re not getting out of our debate this time!”

Also in the Babbler:

Local super-villans celebrate the closure of Villains and Heroes Academy
Mayor Claar promises not to ban Internet comments about the board meetings
Sean Casten meets with paranormal believers in Palatine
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/6/18

Mayor Claar’s android double malfunctions at Village Board meeting (Fiction)

Anonymous employees at the Village of Bolingbrook’s IT department confirm that Mayor Roger Claar’s android double malfunctioned during the 6/12/18 board meeting. 

“It almost shifted into combat mode during the Trustee Comments portion of the agenda,” said Blake, who asked that we not use his real name.  “That would have been embarrassing since now we’re broadcasting each meeting on Facebook, and people were actually watching the stream that night.”

According to the employees, the android detected two former members of the opposition group Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook in the audience— Bonnie Kurowski-Alicea, and Robert Bowen— as well as Will County Board member Jackie Traynere.

Alice, another employee who asked that we not use her real name, explained:  “I didn’t realize it at the time,  but Roger 2.0 can’t distinguish between someone attacking a viewpoint and a physical attack.  Someone, I won’t name him, forgot to add that small but important piece of code to his programming.  So anyway, when 2.0 saw those people in the audience, it assumed that it was about to be physically attacked.  That’s why it was about to go into combat mode before I hit the manual override button.  This same someone thought it was more important to create a ‘cool’ android rather than a safe android.  I could say something about programmers watching too much anime, but I won’t.”

She went on to explain that in override mode, the android couldn’t talk.  So, she called Claar and told him that he would have to control the android from his study at home.

“Roger wasn’t happy,” said Alice.  “He said he was about to post an epic rant on Facebook, and I was ruining his concentration.  I told him that if he didn’t take over, the android would be mute for the rest of the meeting.  Since people were actually watching this meeting on Facebook, it would be in his best interest to take over—  Unless he wanted residents wondering why he was speechless after (Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz’s) comments.  Roger said some words to me that you can’t publish, then took over.”

Blake said he was glad no one was killed but was disappointed in how the meeting ended:  “Roger 2.0 was going to give a speech about the Bolingbrook Pride Picnic.  It would have been the first coherent speech written by an AI.  Instead, Roger decided to complain about people complaining on Facebook.  I still can’t believe it.  Don’t print this, but I don’t think Roger 1.0 would have passed the Turing Test that night.”

Blake also explained that this was the first significant test for the android.  “Sure the Bolingbrook First trustees use android doubles at all the meetings.  But honestly, it doesn’t take much computational power to vote yes and praise Roger.  This was the first step in Roger’s goal of a fully automated Village Board!”

Alice is less optimistic:  “This is really part of Roger’s dream to upload his brain into an android so he’ll be the mayor of Bolingbrook forever.  What Roger is going to figure out is that he’ll only be able to upload a copy of his brain to an android.  The soul, for lack of a better word, will still be with him.  Plus the copies will get degraded over time.  He’d be better off investing in stem cell research to keep himself alive forever. If he asked me.  He won’t.”

When asked to comment, Claar’s receptionist said he was at a debriefing, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like Charlene Z. Spencer said: “So what did you think of the Pride Picnic?”

A man who sounded like Claar said, “There were a few good things, and there was one bad thing about it.  It was a family-friendly event.  There were no communist newspapers.  The men didn’t wear Speedos.  The women were clothed.  The attendees were friendly, and I made a new ally.”

“Great.  I’m glad you went and found some good things.  So what was the bad thing?”

“No VIP tent.”

Also in the Babbler:
New World Order to announce the location of new Illinois UFO base this week
Psychics predict Mayor Claar will tweet within the next 20 years!
Space Alien arrested after threatening to separate Claar from his family
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/18/18