Republican, COVID vaccinated, and afraid: Bolingbrook’s silent conservatives speak out (Fiction)

Note: Some names have been changed to protect the identities of the vaccinated. Experts also confirm that COVID-19 is not a bioweapon and Asian Americans are not responsible for the pandemic. For reliable information about COVID-19 in Illinois, go to https://dph.illinois.gov/covid19.html.

Bolingbrook resident Peter is involved in several community service groups, voted for Trump in 2016 and 2020, and is active in his church. Yet he hides a dark secret: He’s fully vaccinated against COVD-19.

“I thought I was doing my patriotic duty,” said Peter. “China launched a biological attack against us, and our President created a vaccine in record time. I took the shots to own the Commies and the libs.  But my Facebook friends are resisting Trump’s greatest gift to humanity. It’s like conservatives no longer want to conserve human life.”

Peter is one of the majority of Bolingbrook residents who are fully vaccinated. But many vaccinated residents are afraid to speak out due to fear of harassment and violence. 

Julie, a mother and long-time Bolingbrook resident, is frightened by what some of her neighbors are saying: “I know kids can get sick and die from COVID. That’s why I’m vaccinated, and why I just vaccinated my kids. But there are parents who value politics over biology. They want to empower bullies to shame my kids into removing their masks. A mother accused me of child abuse because we wore masks on our way to the car. It’s insane.”

Paula, a Bolingbrook police officer, is frightened by the propaganda she’s hearing from fellow law enforcement professionals: “COVID is the leading cause of death among officers. Yet I see officers posting anti-mask and anti-vaccination propaganda. It’s crazy. Can’t they see BLM is behind this? Since they can’t defund us, they’re trying to deplete us. The medical community is backing the blue by offering free vaccines.”

Despite pressure from a vocal minority, the Village of Bolingbrook is still supporting vaccination efforts.  All residents, regardless of political affiliation, can request receiving a vaccine at home or at work. The Village also hosts a vaccine clinic every Wednesday by appointment from 10:30 am to 5:30 pm. Residents are also required to wear a mask when entering Village hall. 

According to sources affiliated with Village, Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta will not let “outside agitators” endanger Bolingbrook. As one source explained: “Sure, wearing masks is annoying, and the usual vaccine side-effects are no fun for a couple days. But we’d rather keep our current residents, instead of replacing them.”

Another source added that while it is true some residents could survive COVID, unvaccinated residents can cost the village in other ways. She said: “Some people get Long Haul COVID, and can’t work. That strains our social services and deprives businesses of workers. Plus some studies suggest that COVID can accelerate the loss of brain matter.  Some political leaders might want voters to be cognitively impaired, but not the First Party.”

Bolingbrook’s other political parties, Bolingbrook Independent Voices and Bolingbrook United, released statements supporting vaccination programs. 

While most of the people interviewed feared for the future of Bolingbrook, Peter is optimistic. “This is our tribulation to determine who really supports Trump, and who is just an (expletive deleted). COVID will remove those unworthy of seeing Trump’s reinstatement. After the tribulation, we will all come together and combat Critical Race Theory.

Also in the Babbler: 

New alien implant teaches CRT to Valley View students
Moses appears in Buffalo Grove to promote COVID vaccines
Editorial: Fireworks and Santa don’t go together
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/18/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Chicagoland’s UFO bases crackdown on alien carjackers (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Chicagoland’s three UFO Bases independently announced plans to crackdown on alien carjackers.

According to various sources, aliens, disguised as young humans, are stealing cars and contributing to Chicagoland’s highest rate of carjackings in 20 years. Although most car thieves are human, a record number of aliens are participating in carjackings.

“Carjacking is not a human sport,” said Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta. “It is not a fad, and it is not for alien tourists! I don’t want to be interrupted during a taping of the Bolingbrook Buzz to deal with an alien carjacker.”

Reid Ottesen, the administrator for both the Village of Palatine and Rob Sherman UFO Base, announced new rules restricting the movements of aliens visiting Cook County.  The rules include mandatory inspections of all UFOs for stolen cars, and “Mildly invasive” searches of all aliens who return from “excursions” in Cook, Lake, or McHenry County.

“Humans are very attached to their cars,” said Ottesen.  “So don’t even think of stealing one! Even if you promise to return it.  Take only memories.  Leave us only your landing and visitation fees.”

Peotone UFO Base announced a moratorium on the export of Earth cars until the “carjacking crisis is over.”

Part of the announcement stated: “There is no truth to the rumor that humans will destroy all their cars in order to save their planet.  Cars, in one form or another, will be around until at least the 22nd Century or human extinction, whichever comes first.  If you want a sound investment, consider investing in bitcoin instead.”

Many aliens have expressed disappointment in the new restrictions.  Goplost, a resident of the Bartz Empire, is one of them. He stated:

“I filled out all the forms so I could get my own mobile carbon monoxide generator, and now I can’t ship it because someone is worried I stole it.  It wasn’t stolen…  It was just sitting on a driveway.  No one was in it.”

Zopl, who refused to reveal her home planet, defends carjacking:

“You guys hunt animals.  I hunt dirty human machines. It’s more thrilling fighting an armed human inside a car than it is shooting a defenseless deer.  Plus I’m helping to control the car population, which needs culling far more than the deer population does.”

A receptionist for Mayor Alexander-Basta said she was too busy to comment, as she was attending the reopening of the Bolingbrook Walmart and would be back after the Babbler’s deadline.

In the background, a woman who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts, said: “I just got off the phone with (Name Redacted).” 

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer replied: “I guess he really didn’t like my campaign strategy for 2023.”

“I want to hear it in your own words.”

“Sure.  First, we merge with Bolingbrook United and make you the leader of the new United Independent Voices of Bolingbrook party.”

“Isn’t that a contradiction?”

“You’re over-thinking it.  Anyway, then I’ll arrange for an anti-vaccination slate to run in the First Party’s primary.”

“You want to promote anti-vaccination candidates?  But you still wear biohazard suits indoors— and how many booster shots have you had?”

“I’ve lost count, and you can never be too cautious with COVID.  But I don’t want the slate to win.  I just want them to drive Republicans out of Mayor Mary’s Party.”

“But Roger—”

“Then I’ll upload a deep fake video of the Mayor Emeritus endorsing our slate. Victory will be secured.”

“(Name Redacted) is right.  You are unethical.”

“Maybe, but 2023 could be Bolingbrook’s last free election.  You don’t want to end up outside of Village Hall before US Democracy falls, do you?”

“But even if your evil plan worked, we’d only control half the village board and Mayor Mary would have the tie-breaking vote.”

“But by 2023, I should have a militia ready to—”

Watts then shouted: “La! La! La!  I can’t hear you.  Jesus loves me.  S.T.E.M. is good!”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens volunteer to canvas for Rep. Sean Casten
Publisher of Bolingbrook Reporter to trademark ‘Let’s go Brandon’
Rep. Garcia performs the Illuminati Rite of Gratitude for Rep. Newman
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/5/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Aliens release Rep. Adam Kinzinger at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Aliens abducted controversial Republican Representative Adam Kinzinger then released him at Clow UFO Base an hour later.

“Seriously,” Kinzinger said during a press conference with members of the interstellar media.  “Can this year get any worse for me?”

According to Kinzinger, he boarded a UFO at the Pentagon’s secret UFO hanger.  He thought it was his chartered flight to Rochelle, IL’s Hub 35 UFO Base.  Once the craft took off, the aliens announced he was their prisoner and flew into Clow’s airspace.  The aliens offered to sell Kinzinger, who is a member of the New World Order, to the Illuminati, which controls Clow.

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta told reporters that she had no intention of paying for Kinzinger.  After consulting with the Illuminati’s regional leadership, Alexander-Basta made a counteroffer:

“I told the crew that under my leadership, Bolingbrook is now a positive community.  Kidnapping goes against our policy of positivity.  So I gave them a choice:  They could contribute to Bolingbrook’s positive energy by releasing Adam, or I could order the cloaked intercepters surrounding their craft to attack, and everyone on board would positively be killed.  They choose wisely.”

After Kinzinger thanked Alexander-Basta, she replied.  “Don’t be too thankful.  The Illuminati has special plans for you, so we don’t want you dead yet.”

Kinzinger rolled his eyes, then accused the Illuminati of destroying the Republican party:

“Just because I’m a member of the New World Order, does not mean I am a RINO (Republican in Name  Only).  I oppose abortion.  I oppose gay rights, I oppose voting rights, and I voted with Trump 90% of the time.  But I draw the line at insurrections!  We should work within the system to dismantle democracy, just like Dick Chaney did as Vice-President.  I don’t want to dismantle our great country and sell it off to the billionaires.  I want a strong national government that will protect the interests of the 1%.  We cannot let hate divide us.  Instead, we must use our hatred of the rest of the world to unite us and ensure US Global domination until God decides to take the chosen few to Heaven.  I call upon all Americans to pray for God’s blessing, and to hurry up and send Steve Bannon to hell already!”

Kinzinger then said he was looking forward to next year:

“I may publicly complain about the Illinois Democratic Party, but we actually have two things in common.  We both hate Trump, and we both want (Rep. Marie Newman) removed from office.  If I survive my primary election, I will fight to remove that Illuminati Congresswoman just as hard as I am fighting to remove Donald Trump from the ballot forever!”

“I don’t know about that,” Alexander-Basta replied.  “Let’s just say the 2022 election will be the least of your problems.”

When reached for further comment, Alexander-Basta denied meeting with Kinzinger and denied the existence of Clow UFO Base:

“Why don’t you write about all the good things that are happening in the Brook?  Like, we might be getting a new bakery?”

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said: “Yeah.  And we might also be invaded by the Will County Young Republicans.  And we might be killed by a meteorite.  And we might get a giant (Governor JB Pritzker) statue.  And we might also get the next COVID variant.  And we—“

“Get out or I will scrub the negativity from your mouth!”

Also in the Babbler:

Grim Reaper spotted in Palatine’s Chicago Culinary Kitchen restaurant
Asteroid Belt’s residents protest the launch of NASA’s Lucy probe
Trustee Carpanzano denies he’s forming  ‘Citizens Against Elections’ PAC
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/25/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

British secret agent leaves trail of destruction in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

An unidentified British secret agent carved a path of destruction through Bolingbrook while chasing a “villain.”

Village officials, who asked to remain anonymous, claim the agent destroyed over 100 cars and caused thousands of dollars worth of damage at WearthTech, Ulta, and Turano.  The agent also stole a plane from Clow Airport, sent a man crashing through a roof, and killed hundreds of armed guards.  The agent’s trail of destruction ended at Lake Whalon where two limousines drove into the lake and the agent drove after them in a submersible motorcycle.

“We’re still looking for them,” said one village official, who asked not to be identified.  “I doubt there’s an underwater lair in the lake because you’d think someone in Bolingbrook would have noticed and complained about it on one of the Facebook groups.”

A WeatherTech employee claims she saw the agent with WeatherTech CEO David MacNeil and Senator Kyrsten Sinema.  According to the employee, the obviously injured agent was restrained by four mercenaries.  The agent asked Sinema to explain her plan for world domination.

“I don’t want to rule the world,” Sinema allegedly replied.  “I just want to be the center of attention.  And after I’m finished ruining Joe Biden’s Presidency, my supporters will actually give me what I really want.”

“A place in the Republican Party?”

“No, silly.”  Sinema giggled.  “I don’t care if you’re a Democrat, Republican, or Green.  Just as long as you keep offering sacrifices to me.”

“You mean donations,” MacNeil corrected.

“Whatever,” Sinema replied.  “You still haven’t given me anything.”

“The plan was for me to make a big donation after you defect to the Republican Party and endorse Donald Trump.”

“Not anymore.  I now have a  new friend who is offering to move Big Ben to Arizona to compliment the London Bridge!”

“You’re mad!” said the agent.  “The world will hate you if you steal Big Ben.”

“So?” Sinema asked.  “People who hate me pay attention to me, and I like it when people pay attention to me.  They will follow me everywhere I go, including the bathroom! My friend David understands.”

According to the eyewitness, a man who resembled conservative atheist agitator David Silverman appeared.

“I’ve noticed what a good job you’re doing,” said Silverman to Sinema.  “Once we have purged God and liberalism from the world, you can have any British Monument you want!”

“Purge God?” gasped MacNeil. “I didn’t sign up to purge God.  I signed up to purge Democrats.  Count me out of this.”

“You know that’s the worst thing to say in this situation,” Silverman said as he pulled out a gun.

At that point, according to the eyewitness, MacNeil’s dog, Scout, ran into the room and leaped at Silverman.  Scout hit Silverman’s arm, which caused him to shoot the mercenaries restraining the agent.  The agent grabbed a floor mat and attacked the remaining mercenaries.  

“I never realized we made bulletproof floor mats,” said the eyewitness.  “They can also be deadly martial arts weapons.”

Silverman and Sinema then fled to their limousines. 

“Time to make my Brexit,” said the agent before pursuing them.

Rosland, who asked that we not use her last name, claimed that her car was destroyed by Silverman, Sinema, and the agent:

“I was stuck in traffic on Weber Road when I noticed everyone in front of me was getting out of their cars and running away.  Before I could ask what was going on, I saw a road roller crushing the cars ahead of me.  It was driven by a woman who looked like that annoying Senator from Arizona.  Two men were fighting on the roof of the roller.  One was a little guy wearing a cheap suit, and the other was a man wearing camouflage pants without a shirt.  I barely got out before they crushed my car.  I called the woman an (expletive deleted) for flattening my car.  She replied, ‘that’s Senator (expletive deleted). I love it when people notice me.’  The little guy then knocked the big guy into the roller, and said: ‘That’s one way to crack a spine.’ I just want to go to sleep and wake up when everyone is back to normal.”

Many eyewitnesses agree that the CIA cleaned up after the agent.  The operatives, according to some eyewitnesses, said MI5 used to clean up after themselves, but they had to cut their budget due to Brexit.

“They can’t even afford to make exploding pens anymore,” one CIA operative allegedly said.  “It’s sad, but I did get a great deal on a fully armed Aston Martin with a heated ejection seat.”

Sinema wouldn’t confirm or deny if she had recently been to Bolingbrook:

“Of course I’m not answering your question.  You’d stop paying attention to me if I did.  Don’t hang up!”

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta denied that a British secret agent trashed parts of the village:

“Isn’t it funny how a British secret agent always seems to show up in Bolingbrook just before the release of a new James Bond movie?”

Also in the Babbler:

Rebecca Watson biographical movie to film in Naperville
Bolingbrook denies plans to create its own cryptocurrency
PZ Myers announces plan to breed spider that can survive on Mars
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/9/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Bolingbrook’s Mayor Emeritus kicks out ‘Karen’ convention (Fiction)

The League of Assertive Women and sources within Bolingbrook’s Chamber of Commerce confirmed that Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar ordered the cancelation of a convention of “Karens.”

“They demanded to speak with the manager of Bolingbrook,” said Paula, who asked that we not use her real name.  “I’ll bet they’re regretting that decision now.”

Karen” is a slang term for a white-middle-aged woman who feels entitled to unreasonable special treatment.  The term includes women who demand to speak to the manager to belittle service employees, as well as white women endangering and assaulting minorities after falsely accusing their victims of committing crimes. The male version is called either “Ken” or “Kevin.”

While the theme of the League’s Bolingbrook convention was “You work for me!”, the organizers insisted they were not “Karens.”

“Don’t ever call us that!” said Carol X. Brock, president of the group.  “It is sexist to deny us what we deserve and we have a right to put people in their place.  I need to speak to your manager now.”

Bolingbrook’s 911 dispatchers, according to anonymous sources, received over 10,000 calls on the first day of the convention.

“There were a few real calls,” said one operator.  “But most were ridiculous— Like people claiming they were suffering from CO2 poisoning after wearing a mask for a few seconds.  The worst claimed that rioters were attacking a building.  When she gave me the address, I explained it was just Muslims gathering at one of our mosques.  She claimed that it wasn’t a mosque because she personally knew the owners and insisted they were Christians.  Then she demanded to speak with my supervisor. Some days I really hate this job.”

Due to the call volume, some eyewitnesses claim Bolingbrook police chief Mike Rompa personally addressed the organizers.  The same eyewitnesses say Rompa politely asked them to tell their attendee to be more responsible before calling 911.

The witnesses said the word ‘responsible’ seemed to enrage the organizers.  Brock then threatened to call the state police and accused Rompa of threatening to go “Drew Peterson” on them.

“You know my body camera is on,” Rompa replied.

“You can’t record us!” Brock screamed. “I want to speak to your manager!”

Both village managers and Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta arrived.  Alexander-Basta promised to refund the local hotel tax if the attendees would just leave the police alone and stop calling 911.

Brock then accused Alexander-Basta, who was more than six feet away, of assaulting her.

“I see you are lying,” yelled Rompa. “The Mayor isn’t hurting you, and would never hurt you.”

“She’s hurting my feelings.  That’s assault!”

“Did you mean to say that she’s ‘insulting you?’”

“What’s the difference?”

The organizers demanded to speak with Alexander-Basta’s “supervisor.” She walked away.  Several minutes later, Claar arrived with Alexander-Basta and demanded to know why the organizers were interrupting his “family time.”  The organizers started reciting their complaints, but Claar stopped them a few seconds later.

“Do you have any real problems?” he asked.

“All of our problems are real and now you’re one of them.”

“How dare you,” snapped Claar.

“How dare you!” protested Brock.  “I want to speak to your supervisor.”

Claar turned red and yelled, “I don’t need a supervisor.  I am Bolingbrook.  I am as high up as you will get around here.  I’ve heard enough of your complaints, and I  won’t miss having you as tourists here.  Now get out of my village before I deport all of you!”

“You can’t kick us out,” Brock replied, “Because we’re leaving.  I wish I could give Bolingbrook zero stars.”

After the organizers stormed off, Alexander-Basta and Claar fist-bumped each other and left.

A receptionist said Alexander-Basta was busy and couldn’t comment on the story.

“So is a group of Karens called a Complaint, a Facebook Group, or a Class Action Lawsuit?” asked the receptionist.

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said, “Very clever, Michael.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Michael Carpanzano replied, “What are you talking about?”

“That post you wrote about panhandling. You successfully gave the impression that the state government is preventing us from dealing with panhandlers.”

“I did not,” protested Carpanzano.  “I linked to an article that specifically said a Federal Court ruled Illinois’s panhandling law unconstitutional.

“And how many people actually follow links?”

“What matters is I put the link into the article.”

“And threw in a concluding paragraph that isn’t supported by that link.  Now most readers will blame the state government for aggressive panhandlers instead of a radical Supreme Court.  That’s clever, Michael.”

“I will neither confirm, nor deny your opinion of my posting style.”

Also in the Babbler:

Fountaindale Library begs local writers to stop submitting post-apocalyptic ebooks
Anti-vaccination alien terrorists executed at Palatine’s UFO Base
Nobody shows up for insurrection against the Village of Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/24/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Sources: Village considering ‘Texas-style bounties’ to combat ‘negative social media posts’ (Fiction)

Social media users who post ‘negative’ content about Bolingbrook might end up paying thousands of dollars in damages and legal fees.

Anonymous sources within Village Hall say the board is considering an ordinance similar to the Texas Fetal Heartbeat law. The ordinance permits lawsuits against anyone who “posts content that defames, diminishes, or in any way promotes negativity within or towards the Village of Bolingbrook.”

Supporters in Village Hall say it is a necessary ordinance to combat what they perceive to be an “unprecedented onslaught of negativity” against the village.

“Texas has shown us the way,” said Ted, a village employee who asked that we not use his/her real name.  “The Supreme Court is saying the government can do anything it wants as long as other people act on its behalf.  Why should a government limit itself to restricting abortion access? The Constitution can no longer stop us from doing what’s right!”

The text of the ordinance, provided by one of the sources, states that anyone in the United States “with any ties to Bolingbrook,” can sue anyone who posts “untrue, subjectively untrue, true but negative, and true but subjectively negative” content on social media about Bolingbrook.  If the complainant wins, they will receive $1000 plus legal fees.  If the complainant loses, they will receive $500 from the village and the defendant will still have to pay all legal fees.  Only members of the Bolingbrook Friends and Neighbors Facebook group, who are in good standing, are exempt.’

Jane, another source who asked that his/her real name not be published, insisted that the ordinance is not intended to punish opponents of Bolingbrook’s ruling First Party for Bolingbrook:

“Facebook is overrun with negative political groups and pages.  We’ve got Bolingbrook Politics, Bolingbrook Area Politics, Bolingbrook Politics Uncensored, Bolingbrook Friends and Neighbors uncensored, Bolingbrook United, Bolingbrook Independent Voices, and so on.  Bolingbrook runs on positive energy, and negative posts hurt all residents.”

Ted added: “If the Founding Fathers believed in free speech, they wouldn’t have allowed the Alien and Sedition Acts to become law.  This ordinance is perfectly in line with the original intent of the Constitution, and not the amended mess we have now.”

None of the village trustees could be reached to comment on the proposed ordinance.

A person who claimed to work for the Village Attorney said: “Oh, if we ever felt that such a law was Constitutional, you would be the first to know!”

Also in the Babbler:

White Bolingbrook resident claims Confucius was ‘anti-Chinese’
Village of Bolingbrook buys another ‘evacuation site’ near the Arctic Circle
Palatine Township Highway Commissioner honored for promoting ‘the freedom to infect’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/9/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Hidden Lakes Monster throws tantrum over possible sale of Hidden Lakes (Fiction)

A photo from 1999 of the Hidden Lakes Monster.

Bolingbrook’s Hidden Lakes Monster threw a temper tantrum after learning about the possible sale of both the Hidden Lakes Nature Center and Hidden Lakes to the Will County Forest Preserve District.  Three Will County staff cryptozoologists and two members of the Bolingbrook Department of Paranormal Affairs suffered minor injuries when the creature bumped into them.

“I don’t think she meant to hurt us,” said Beth Z. Delmar, a lake monster specialist employed by the Village.  “She was just upset by the news.  I would be too.”

Hidden Lakes is the smallest body of water known to have a lake monster.  The half-duck, half-sea serpent creature is believed to be the sole surviving member of its species.  Workers accidentally opened the cavern it was living in during the contraction of the four lakes that make up Hidden Lakes.  While most of the lakebed is shallow, some parts are up to a mile deep.  The creature sleeps in the deepest areas, then ventures to the shallow areas to eat weeds and plants.  Despite some accusations, no one has provided convincing proof that the creature has ever killed a human or eaten meat.

During its tantrum, the creature splashed water with its tail and made its unique sound, described as a combination of a hiss and a quack.  Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar, awoken by the sound, drove to Hidden Lakes to scold the creature.

According to eyewitnesses, Claar told the creature she was too expensive to continue to take care of.

Claar allegedly said:  “COVID infected the Parks District’s covert budget and they need to make cuts.  This time they can’t issue another bond and then and pass it off as a tax cut.  They have to make real cuts, and I’m not sorry, but invisible playground equipment for alien children is a better investment than you!  Now go to sleep and be happy that we didn’t cut you up instead!”

The creature responded by coiling around Claar and pulling him into the water towards the deep end.  It stopped when Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta and Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere arrived.  Alexander-Basta summoned the creature, who complied, and dragged Claar to near the shore.

“I’m sorry,” Alexander-Basta allegedly said.  “You may have hidden from my staff, but you must think of us as family. That’s why you’re so upset.  You think you’re going to lose your family and your home.  Let me assure you that you’re staying right here.  I’ll still visit you every week, and so will the residents.  You’ll just have different people taking care of you, that’s all.”

“I’ll be in charge of them,” added Traynere.  “You might not remember me, but when I was a little girl, I got lost and you guarded me until my parents came.  My parents thanked you with some very special birdseed.  I brought some for you today.”

As the creature ate the birdseed, Traynere added: “I’m the one who authorized the tunnel between Hidden Lakes and Lake Whalon.  Do you like it?”

The creature joyfully quacked.

“Good.  I insisted that they fill the lakebed with your favorite plant.  It cost extra, but you like it, right?”

The creature lifted Claar and used his body to splash water on Traynere.

“I know that splash,” Traynere replied with a smile.  “Yes there will be changes, but I think that a better-funded and more experienced governmental body can improve your home.”

Alexander-Basta then walked up to the creature, holding two bags of birdseed:

“You let the Mayor Emeritus go, and I’ll give you these two bags, plus twenty more.”

The creature released Claar.  After consuming the bags whole, it submerged and swam away.

Alexander-Basta helped Claar up, and said: “This is why Bolingbrook needs me as a mayor.”

Neither Claar nor Traynere could be reached for comment.

A receptionist answered Alexander-Basta’s phone and said she was dealing with a “tense situation.”

In the background, a man with a downstate accent said, “You must tell your Clerk to fulfill these 1000 FOIA requests within five days, or she must resign.”

A woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta said, “Well, I’m happy to serve you the papers—“

“It’s a trap!” yelled the man.  “You’re working for Bonnie!”  The man ran away.

“I don’t know who Bonnie is, but apparently she likes to serve too.”

Also in the Babbler:

Russians spare Bolingbrook from Hurricane attack
Last alien visitors from Afghanistan arrive at Clow UFO Base
Village Attorney confirms that the Bolingbrook Police cannot declare political parties illegal
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/3/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Web Exclusive: Theater critic slams 8/24/21 Bolingbrook Board (Fiction)

Internet theater critic Sheri O. Roland must’ve believed she was watching a play when she reviewed the 8/24/21 Bolingbrook Village Board meeting. She wrote:

“This is not a production worth dying for. If you have to catch COVID, catch it by attending a Nickelback cover band concert. It will be more entertaining.”

According to the review, Roland believed she was reviewing a play called  “Positively Charged” staged by the Performance Art League of Bolingbrook.  The League isn’t a theater company but instead is an anonymous group of performance artists that “reappropriates” mundane events in Bolingbrook.  They infamously “reappropriated” the 6/9/09 and the 4/25/17 board meetings into the play, “Village of the Bored.”  Their last performance was “Restaurants Matter More Than You” in 2020 which was staged in a Bolingbrook restaurant that violated the pandemic indoor dining ban.

While the League’s announcements are banned from both Bolingbrook Events sites, some people, like Roland, are fooled into attending their “performances.”

During the 8/24/21 meeting, the Village Board announced the winners of 2021’s Bolingbrook’s Citizens of the Year awards and honored the retiring owners of Family Square Restaurant.  In her review, Roland described the announcements as “wasted plot points.”

“We have a woman who overcomes paralysis to become an advocate for LGTQ+ residents.  We have a photographer with fearless children.  We have two guys who traveled all the way from Greece to serve cream of chicken soup to the suburbs.  Each story could have been a separate play.  Instead, we’re treated to bland narration, and the characters themselves are hardly speaking.  The Greek characters had the stage stolen from them by the Mayor Emeritus character.  I’m sorry, but there’s no such thing as a ‘Mayor Emeritus.’ Did the writer not know the difference between a mayor and a professor?”

Roland described Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta’s “performance” as “competent, but uninspiring.”  She also described Trustee Michael Lawler as “playing a role that started out as comic relief but was rewritten at the last minute—Which was too bad, because this play could have used some comic relief.  The background characters should be cut because they don’t advance the plot at all.”

The ending, according to Roland, “fell apart,” and never recovered:

“Here we get the reading of invoices and rules that are never debated.  I thought we would finally see some drama when a letter accusing the main characters of poisoning Bolingbrook surfaced. Instead, that’s laughed off.  The bit about Bolingbrook losing power could have been an exciting twist.  Instead, it’s a line that should have been thrown away along with the rest of the script.”

She concludes her review by writing: “I can’t tell if this play is a depiction of an authoritarian dystopia or a piece of anti-democratic propaganda that denies debate and tries to inject the audience with a lethal dose of reckless positivity.  Either way, it doesn’t work.  I appreciate a suburb attempting to stage an original theatrical production during a deadly pandemic.  Sadly, in the end, it’s just like watching a cover band concert.  It tastes good, but the experience just doesn’t satisfy you like the original band’s performance would.  The only good thing about this production is the immersive sets.  Sometimes I really thought I was in a government building.”

Roland refused to be interviewed for this story.

When asked to comment, Alexander-Basta replied: “The critics said I would be Roger’s puppet and lose reelection.  Well—”

 In the background, a man who sounded like Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar said: “Hurry up!  WeatherTech wants to talk to us about building ten new helicopter pads by their factory.”

“I’ll be there in a minute,” replied Alexander-Basta.  “Now if I were a puppet, I wouldn’t have told our Mayor Emeritus to wait a minute.  Checkmate, foes of Bolingbrook!”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Mayor Mary orders aliens to offer COVID shots during abductions (Fiction)

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta (Image from the First Party for Bolingbrook site.)

By Reporter X

To combat the spread of the COVID-19 Delta Variant near Clow UFO Base, Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta ordered UFO crews to offer vaccines to their abductees.

“Nature has declared war on Bolingbrook,” said Alexander-Basta during a press conference with members of the interstellar media.  “Administering the vaccine is the key to dealing Nature a humiliating defeat!”

Starting immediately, any UFO licensed through Clow to abduct humans must offer either the Pfizer or Moderna vaccines.  Abductees are free to refuse the vaccine, but must still submit to the researcher’s procedures.  Clow is the first UFO Base on Earth to mandate UFO crews to attempt to administer shots.

“Only just over half of our residents are fully vaccinated,” said Alexander-Basta.  “That’s not good enough.  We’re holding pop-up clinics and even going to people’s homes to give them the shot.  Yet people are still hesitant to get vaccinated.  Even (Trustee Michael Carpanzano’s) propaganda pieces—I mean social media posts— aren’t enough to overcome some of our residents’ reluctance.”

Alexander-Basta feels that aliens might be uniquely qualified to overcome vaccine hesitancy:

“If you don’t trust me, or my TV show, or your doctor, or President Biden, or President Trump, you might trust a member of an interstellar civilization.  They probably know more about your physical health than you do.”

Alexander-Basta then introduced a man wearing a mask and a hooded robe that she identified as a member of the Illuminati’s Order of the Stairway.  He attacked the vaccine-resistant as “foes of Bolingbrook and humanity.”

“I’m sick of staying in my pod.  I’m sick of wearing a cloth mask when I’m not performing rituals, but most of all, I’m sick of the pro-COVID death cult in my party!  They claim to be pro-freedom, but I have news for you: Death isn’t freedom!  Dust to Dust?  That’s communism!  Do you think letting the weak die is masculine?  (Expletive deleted!) That’s like saying, ‘I carry a gun because I don’t want thugs to hurt me, but I don’t care about my family!’  How far would the gun rights activists have gotten if we’d made that argument? You say you’re not going to take the vaccine because you don’t know every ingredient in the shot?  Do you know the ingredients in all the COVID treatments?  They’re under the same emergency use authorization as the vaccines!  Do you think there’s a tracking chip in the vaccine?  You’re not important enough to be tracked!  And if we did want to track you, we’d track your smartphone!  Just like the New World Order did during the insurrection!  Trump is vaccinated!  Mayor Mary is vaccinated!  Everyone in the Fox News studios is vaccinated!  Don’t be one of those selfish hippies with a US Flag patch.  Get vaccinated, or get out of my village!”

As the man left the stage, he said to Alexander-Basta, “This is why you need a Mayor Emeritus.”

Following the announcement, Bolingbrook’s opposition parties, Bolingbrook Independent Voices and Bolingbrook United, released a joint statement criticizing her order:

“While we agree that the vaccines are safe and save lives, and encourage vaccination, abductees are not in a position to give their consent.  Abductees are in a state of mind similar to sleep paralysis.  They can’t consent to major medical decisions in that state of mind.  Plus let’s not forget why they are called abductees.  For decades, the First Party of Bolingbrook has tolerated the kidnapping of residents for outdated experiments and profited from licensing fees.  Some of us have always opposed this policy.  Some of us didn’t always oppose this policy.  One of us supported the policy before opposing it.  Now all of us are united in our opposition!”

When reached for comment, Alexander-Basta laughed and asked this reporter to join her for a video chat with covert social media operative Charlene Spencer.  When Spencer logged in, Alexander-Basta accused her of creating a front group called Suburban Residents for Higher Government.

Alexander-Basta: You won’t believe the trouble I went through to get your video pulled off of YouTube.

Spencer: What video?

Alexander-Basta:  Don’t play dumb with me young lady.  You know exactly which video I’m talking about.  The one you uploaded from our guest Wi-Fi network.

Spencer: As a taxpaying resident of Bolingbrook, I’ve used the Village Center WiFi to upload many videos.  You need to be more specific.

Alexander-Basta:  I’m talking about the one that accuses me of controlling the distribution of a deadly drug that kills 95,000 people annually, is more addictive than cannabis, causes organ failure, and drains a quarter of a trillion dollars from the economy every year.

Spencer: Well, since you’re the mayor, that also makes you the Local Liquor Control Commissioner. So technically—

Alexander-Basta ended the call.

Also in the Babbler:

Sentient COVID-19 Delta variant insists it was born in India, not China
Scientist predicts if nothing changes, COVID-19 will wipe out most Republicans by 2024.
UFOs escaping Afghanistan land at Clow UFO Base
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week.

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Trustee Troy Doris breaks the lunar triple jump record to win the Interplanetary Goodwill Games (Fiction)

File photo of Bolingbrook Trustee and interplanetary record holder Troy Doris.

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Trustee and former Olympian Troy Doris won the Triple Jump competition at the Interplanetary Goodwill Games. His 102.6 meter (336.61 feet) jump shattered the official Lunar Humanoid Triple Jump Record.

“This is a year of firsts!” Doris said at a press conference following his victory.  “I won my first election.  I met my first alien.  I took my first trip to the moon.  Now I’ve won my first Unobtainium medal! And the year isn’t over yet.”

The Interplanetary Goodwill Games are held once every 20 Martian years.  Sentient species from around the solar system compete in over 200 games, including track and field.  Doris competed for the Clow UFO Base team, which was one of ten teams from Earth that qualified to compete in the games.

While Doris had hoped to compete in the 2020 Olympics, he was glad he chose the Goodwill Games instead.

“It seems like the Tokyo games are trying to kill you, kill your career, or kill your ability to compete.  Here, I don’t have to worry about any COVID variants.  I can focus on having one last great competition.  Then I can look forward to my new career as the token Democratic member of the First Party for Bolingbrook.  As long as I don’t make any waves, I’ll have a long career with them.”

Doris fouled on his first two attempts.  His first attempt ended when his first jump, the hop, caused him to crash into the domed ceiling.  Though the collision resulted in a large bump on his head, he vowed to keep competing.

“As long as I still had aerial body awareness, there was no reason for me to stop competing. I just had to get used to the moon’s low gravity.  It’s hard when you’re not wearing a 180 lbs. space suit.”

Doris made the record-breaking jump on his fifth attempt.  At the time he was in fifth place, and told the only way he could win was to break the Lunar record.  Posci, a competitor from Jovian moon Io, was the leader with his 90-meter jump.

“This time I wasn’t afraid that I was going to launch myself into orbit.  I could only do that on an asteroid or comet.  So I thought about the physics of my angles, imagined that (Former Mayor Roger Claar) was chasing me, and then ran like hell.  When I didn’t fall asleep after the hop, I knew I had a chance to break the record, and I did.”

After thanking his family, Doris also thanked Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta for allowing him to compete in the games and the staff of the Babbler for inspiring him.

“I remember reading about aliens in the Babbler and wanting to compete against them.  My mother said if I worked hard, and proved my loyalty to Roger, my dream could come true.  Today it did.  Thanks to the Babbler for inspiring me, and thanks to Tony’s Fresh Market for sponsoring the First Party for Bolingbrook and myself. No matter how long you’ve been in business, staying fresh is the key to success for both Tony’s and the First Party!”

A receptionist for Basta said she was working from home due to the “substantial spread of the Delta Variant in Will County.”

In the background of the video call, a woman in a biohazard suit walked up to Trustee Sheldon Watts, a member of the Bolingbrook Independent Voices party.

“Charlene,” said Watts.  “What are you doing here in that biohazard suit?  You’re vaccinated.”

“Not against the Omega variant,” Charlene replied.

“Omega variant?” asked Watts.  “There’s no such thing.”

“Not yet, and I’m not waiting for a vaccine-resistant COVID strain to evolve before I start protecting myself.  But let’s talk about the real reason I’m here.”

“I’m afraid to ask.”

“I’ll ignore that,” Charlene replied.  “I have a great idea to improve your standing among Democrats.”

“You know I’m trying to transcend both parties and be a truly independent voice for Bolingbrook.”

“And we know how that went over in the last election,” Charline replied.  “Anyway, you need to get #fercalicious!”

“What?”

“It’s the hottest thing among Democrats who want to work on their climate fitness.  Just listen to Representative Sean Casten!”

Charlene started playing a video on her smartphone.

“Hold up!”  Watts yelled.  “This is one of your deep fakes.  Right?  A middle-aged congressman imitating Fergie to promote the Federal Energy Regulatory Commission?”

“You’re overthinking this!” replied Charline.  She then stepped next to Watts and held up her cellphone.  “Just channel your inner Will.I.Am and you’ll be a hit with the liberal residents on TikTok!  Mary and (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere) will never put it down like you.”

Also in the Babbler:

Palatine resident burns yard to fight rose-killing vine
Trustee Carpanzano apologizes to the ghost of Mayor Rosenthal
Mayor Alexander-Basta sets record for most interviews with Egypt Today
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/5/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.