The Mayors of Bolingbrook: Roger Claar (1986) (Fiction)

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

In 1986, two years after President Ronald Reagan visited Clow UFO Base, Bolingbrook was in crisis. The New World Order forced Mayor Bob Bailey to resign. Old Chicago, once a source of pride for Bolingbrook, is finally torn down. Hair Metal bands are poisoning the minds of our children’s minds. Some fear that Clow could be closed and moved to Chicago.

In this crisis, The Illuminati appoints former village trustee Roger C. Claar as mayor.  In 1979, he was appointed a trustee and brought peace to a divided village board.  After an unsuccessful campaign for mayor, he was appointed administrator of The Men in Blue.  The Illuminati felt that Claar could restore order in Bolingbrook.

Claar did more than restore order in Bolingbrook. His first act as mayor was to announce his loyalty to the New World Order.  Instead of destroying his career, Claar became the longest-serving mayor in Bolingbrook’s history, and its most controversial. (2017: Following President Trump’s election in 2016, he switched back to the Illuminati and Clow UFO Base is now an Illuminati controlled facility.) Supporters say he spurred Bolingbrook’s commercial and industrial growth and is responsible for the village growing to over 70,000 residents. Critics say he runs Bolingbrook like a political machine and uses his campaign fund to live a lavish lifestyle.

When the Babbler first interviewed Mayor Roger Claar, he had recently been appointed mayor. Unlike the other mayors, he seemed to welcome the opportunity to talk to our reporter.

(2017: Content notice for the inappropriate use of the word, “crazy.”)

Mayor Roger Claar reveals his ‘crazy’ vision for Bolingbrook!

Reporter:  Thank you for your time.  We usually have to wait months before a mayor will grant us an interview.

Claar:  Don’t get too big a head.  I agreed to this interview because I know that not all of your readers believe your stories.  I’m using you to reach out to the Babbler’s sensible readers.

Reporter:  OK, I guess.  So, the first question.  How does it feel to be the mayor?

Claar:  Right now it’s kind of hectic, but it feels good.  It’s like my whole life has been building up to this moment where I can take chaos, and create order.   No, I have a better example.  It’s like I have a new baby, and I can once again forge her path.  (Phone rings)  Excuse me.  Hello?  Yes, it will be a lot of work.  Oh, thank you for your generous offer, but I can’t talk about campaign donations now.  I’m in my office.  I’m sure my campaign manager will organize a fundraiser soon.

Reporter:  People are donating to your campaign fund already?

Claar:  Sure.  I’ve been getting a lot of donations lately.

Reporter:  Are they trying-

Claar:  They aren’t trying anything!  You see, a donation to my campaign is the voters’ way of saying that I’m doing a good job during the off years.  The better the job I do, the more my campaign fund will grow.  Now I have quite a challenge before me, but I know the voters have confidence in me.  In fact, I could have several thousand dollars in my campaign fund by the end of the year.

Reporter:  Thousands of dollars?  Why do you need thousands of dollars to campaign in Bolingbrook?

Claar:  Would you turn down a million dollar campaign fund?

Reporter:  No.

Claar:  That’s settled.  Next question.

Reporter:  Um.  Some people say that we should reduce the population of Bolingbrook because of the risk to Clow UFO base’s cover.  How do you respond?

Claar: (chuckles)  I’ll play along.  The previous mayors have secretly tried to limit development around Clow.  I think that’s the wrong approach.  First, alien cloaking technology is more advanced today than it was back in the 1960s.  Second, I say that the more people Bolingbrook has, the easier it will be to hide the UFO base.  In fact, I support commercial development around Clow.

Reporter:  Businesses next to a UFO base?  Are you crazy?

Claar: (Smiles)  Coming from the Babbler, that’s a compliment.  No, it won’t happen right away, but think about all the supplies that a UFO base needs.  Now try to justify delivering all of those supplies to a small, rural suburb.  Like a tanker truck for example.  Before, you had to ask why a tanker is in the middle of nowhere.  With more development, we can say, “Oh that truck is here to fuel at the new gas stations.”

Reporter:  I see.

Claar:  Or think about all the people required to staff a UFO base:  Why would all those people be in Bolingbrook?  Once I get my way, we can say, “Oh, they’re here to shop.”  “They live here.”  “They work in the brand new factories.”  Do you understand?

Reporter:  I see.

Claar:  In fact, I’m going to go up to developers and say, “See this previous development?  This is the most expensive home.  I want you to oversee development of a subdivision, and that’s the starting price.”

Reporter:  Why?

Claar:  So people can move up in status and still live in Bolingbrook!  In fact, I want people to do more than live in Bolingbrook, I want them to shop in Bolingbrook.  Chicago and Naperville have been taking too many of our sales tax dollars. We need to keep those dollars in Bolingbrook.

Reporter: How?

Claar: I am going to support the building of malls. We’ll start with strip malls, and then someday, I imagine that Bolingbrook will be the home to a large outdoor mall. It will be so magnificent that people from Naperville will want to shop there.

Reporter: Wait a minute! Bolingbrook couldn’t support an indoor mall. How could we support an outdoor mall?  Especially one without an amusement park?

Claar: Because it will have anchor stores that people will actually want to shop at! (Phone rings) Excuse me. Hello? Yes! I’m doing fine. What’s that? Sorry, I can’t talk about donations. I’m working, and you do business with the Village. What? Hmm. I guess it would mean I’d have to be tougher on you, and thus you would do a better job for the village. That’s an interesting argument. I’ll have to discuss it with my lawyers. But not right now.

Reporter: Did I hear–

Claar: Everything I do will be double checked by lawyers and then double checked again! I won’t do anything illegal!

Reporter: But how will that look to the residents of Bolingbrook?

Claar: Would you want to talk to lawyers every time someone gave you a gift?

Reporter: No.

Claar: Well that’s what I’m going to do!

Reporter: But that sounds c–

Claar: Don’t say that C word!

(Knock on the door. Claar answers the door.)

Man holding briefcase: Hello your honor! (Opens the briefcase) Alexander Hamilton and I want to talk to you about building a luxury housing development and a first-class golf club in Bolingbrook.

(Claar turns red)

Claar: Aaron Burr and I want you to get the (expletive deleted) out of my office!

(Man runs away with the money. Claar walks into the bathroom and then comes out several minutes later.)

Claar: Ed sure has good taste in wallpaper.

Reporter: And missile defense systems.

Claar (chuckles): You know, a luxury housing development anchored by a golf club is a good idea. Maybe something to do several years from now. But I won’t use that developer. He’s dishonest. You know, if it’s such a good idea, maybe the village could do the project instead.

Reporter: You want the village to get into the real estate business?

Claar: Why not? Land is always a good investment. The village would collect tax dollars and money from the sale of the homes. How could we lose?

Reporter: What if the market has a downturn?

Claar: Then we’ll wait for the up-turn.

Reporter: Government in the real estate business? That’s crazy! I’m sorry.

Claar: If the Babbler thinks it’s crazy, then it must be a good idea. But don’t worry. I think I’ll build two skateparks before I build the golf course.

Reporter: Skateparks? Have you seen skateboarders! They’re crazy! They must be on drugs.

Claar: If skateboarding isn’t a crime, then only law-abiding citizens will be skateboarders.

(Reporter stares at Claar)

Claar: Oh, by the time I get to that, skateboarding will be cool and the crazy people will try to figure out how to jump off high buildings without getting killed.

Reporter: I don’t know what to say. All of your ideas are so radical-  and I’m not just saying that lightly.

Claar: Oh, those ideas are pretty simple compared to my ultimate dream.

Reporter: Ultimate dream?

Claar: Sure. Everyone needs an ultimate dream. A vision to work towards, even if you don’t succeed, so you’ll go farther than you expected to go.

Reporter: I’m afraid to ask.

Claar: You talk to aliens, yet you’re afraid of my ultimate goal?

Reporter: I’m not Reporter X.

Claar: Ah. Well if I’m successful as mayor, then not only will more people want to move to Bolingbrook, but more communities will want to be a part of Bolingbrook.

Reporter: As in copying your policies?

Claar: No. As in they will ask to be annexed by Bolingbrook. First Romeoville, and then Woodridge. As Bolingbrook grows, more suburbanites will demand to be annexed by Bolingbrook. Before long, all of Chicago’s suburbs will merge to become Greater Bolingbrook, and Chicago will be a suburb of Bolingbrook!

Reporter: Um, if you want to run a major city, why not move to Chicago and run for mayor?

Claar: Do you want to be the mayor of Chicago?

Reporter: Good point.

Claar: Once that happens, then I can retire knowing that I helped Bolingbrook reach its golden age.

Reporter: You know, somehow, that idea doesn’t sound crazy.

Claar: Good. I think.  Well, I have to get back to work. I hope you print most of the truth.

Reporter: I am sworn to tell reveal the truth, no matter how unbelievable it may be.

Claar: Some things never change. You know–

(A basketball flies in through the open window. Claar grabs the ball and throws it out the window. Then he runs up to the window.)

Claar: Hey! Watch where you throw your ball!

Girl: You’re a meanie and I’m going to get you someday!

(Girl runs away.)

Claar: (Shakes his head.) I have a feeling that girl is going to grow up to be nothing but trouble.

After publishing the interview, Claar announced at the next board meeting that the only truthful part of the story was letting the reporter into his office. The rest was “a bunch of nonsense.”

(2017 update: Over the years, the Babbler and Claar have come to an understanding.  Though he has never given another formal interview with the Babbler since this one, he has ways of getting his message to us. As the election of 2017 showed, his reputation might have been tarnished by his endorsement of President Donald Trump during the election, but he will go down in history as one of Bolingbrook’s most influential mayors.)

Despite our psychics’ best efforts, we don’t know when the next mayor of Bolingbrook will be elected. When that happens, we will interview that person, and we will print the truth, no matter how unbelievable it may be.

As this series has shown, the Babbler has always been a part of Bolingbrook’s history. We’re confident that as long as there’s a Bolingbrook, there will be a Bolingbrook Babbler. It just wouldn’t be “The Brook” without us.

The Mayors of Bolingbrook: Edward Rosenthal (1981) (Fiction)

In 1980, America rejected The Carter administration and embraced the pro-American, pro-responsibility policies of Ronald Reagan. It really was morning in America. In 1981, Bolingbrook decided to elect liberal Ed Rosenthal to be the mayor of Bolingbrook. 

The residents of Bolingbrook supported his efforts to create transparency inside village hall. They were willing to buck the national trend to put the Pride Party and him in office.

Rosenthal’s election angered Babbler publisher John Olson so much, that he would use the Babbler to try to get Rosenthal recalled before his inauguration. He said that Bolingbrook needed to be saved from that, “Peacenik hippy commie teacher!” the Babbler, under protest from the editor, ran articles about Rosenthal’s “numerous visitors with alien bankers” and attacked his family. When the Babbler questioned his wife’s administration of The Fountaindale Library and its “Collection of cursed books,” Rosenthal wrote a letter to the editor. When the Babbler claimed that his oldest daughter had a collection of voodoo dolls, he submitted a guest opinion. 

When the Babbler wrote about his youngest daughter, Rosenthal marched into the Babbler’s new Barber’s Corner office and barged into Olson’s office. The two then had the loudest argument in the history of Bolingbrook. The argument was heard as far away as Downers Grove, and as far underground as Hell. They only calmed down when lawyers for both sides entered the room.

After the meeting, Olson announced that he was stepping down as the publisher of the Babbler. He added that the Babbler would retract its article about Rosenthal’s youngest daughter. To date, this is the only retraction in the Babbler’s history.

Rosenthal then agreed to his first interview with the Babbler as mayor, but stated that he be allowed to “conclude our settlement there.” Our reporter had no idea what he was getting into.

Mayor Rosie speaks to the Babbler!

Reporter: Hello your honor.

Rosenthal: Oh come in. You can call me Mayor. We’ll worry about calling me Ed or Rosie later once you’ve earned it.

Reporter: Um OK.

Rosenthal: You must be the bravest reporter at the Babbler. 

Reporter: I drew the short straw.

Rosenthal: Ah. Well, have a seat. This won’t hurt much.

Reporter: OK. Um, you seem calmer now compared to the last time I saw you.

Rosenthal: Oh I’m quite calm now. In fact, I’ve never been happier. I heard that you have a new publisher now.

Reporter: Yes. Chris Olson took over today. He says that he’s going to keep the editorial and business departments separate at the Babbler.

Rosenthal: I think that’s good. All I have to say to your staff is this. You can accuse me of visiting alien bankers, though I only go to the bank to cash a check. You can say my wife is hoarding spell books, though she really supports science. You can talk about Rachel because she thinks it cool to have voodoo dolls. But when you go after my youngest daughter, that makes me mad. She’s too young for your silliness.

Reporter: I’m here to assure you that my report won’t be silly.

Rosenthal: If you say so. Now, what’s your first question? And it better not be about cabals ,or secret business groups, or any other innuendo.

Reporter: Um. Just a second. Oh. Trustee Claar says your policies will stunt Bolingbrook’s growth. How do you respond?

Rosenthal: Ah a sensible question. Well, we can’t keep growing forever. If our growth does slow down, we can use this as an opportunity to build up our infrastructure. I’m sure some residents would like to have sidewalks.

Reporter: Except for the Cars First party.

Rosenthal: Let’s not talk about them.

Reporter: Some people close to Claar say that he feels Bolingbrook needs to keep growing in order to cover up Clow UFO Base. How do you respond?

Rosenthal: I knew this couldn’t last. Well, you would think that if you want to cover up a UFO base, you would want fewer people in the community, not more. But if you had to have more people, you would want them to gather away from Clow. Like my policy to bring industry to the I-55 Corridor. That way residents will focus their attention away from Clow.

Reporter: That makes sense. Plus, it’s a great way to bring alien products to the public by saying they were manufactured in Bolingbrook.

Rosenthal: I guess.

Reporter: Aren’t you worried that by bringing in industry, you’ll endanger the local farmers?

Rosenthal: Oh no. They can go together.

Reporter: Our sources say that Trustee Claar is concerned about the “shopping gap” that’s driving residents out of town to buy basic needs.

Rosenthal: Roger is a good friend, but I think he’s too obsessed with shopping. The future isn’t in strip malls but in independence.

Reporter: How so?

Rosenthal: Remember when gasoline was $1 a gallon.

Reporter: How could I forget? That’s why I voted for Ronald Reagan: So he could lower gas prices, cut my taxes, and increase defense spending -while cutting the budget to lower the deficit.

Rosenthal: (Chuckles) Reagan might be able to lower gas prices for a while, but eventually prices would go up. You know someday, gasoline could cost as much as $3 a gallon.

Reporter: Three dollars a gallon? That would cause economic chaos. That’s Mad Max type chaos.

Rosenthal: Exactly. When gas gets that high, Chicago’s leaders are going to start asking questions. Like why are we buying our corn from Iowa when we could be buying it from Bolingbrook at a better price?

Reporter: I see.

Rosenthal: So, our farmers will make lots of money feeding Chicago. Then they’ll want to buy things with their riches. By having most of our manufacturing in Bolingbrook, we’ll keep the money in Bolingbrook. The farmers will get good deals because they don’t have to import their goods from out of state. The non-farmers will have good paying factory jobs, and the village will have a strong tax base. Now isn’t that a better investment than strip malls?

Reporter: Yes. It’s almost visionary!

Rosenthal: Thank you.

Reporter: Our sources are telling us that the village has been receiving messages from a thousand years into the future. Do you have any comment?

Rosenthal: No, but I’d be happy to listen to what they have to say.

Reporter: What if they’re hostile invaders?

Rosenthal: Then we’ll defend ourselves as best as we can from invaders from a thousand years in the future.

Reporter: But that’s not what I expected from you.

Rosenthal: I am a liberal, not a hippy.

Reporter: But–

(Sounds of small footsteps)

Rosenthal: We’ll have to wait a bit. I think the last part of our agreement is about to arrive.

(Rachel and her younger sister arrive.)

Rachel: (Whispers) Dad, (Name withheld) is annoying me.

Rosenthal: That’s what younger sisters are supposed to do. (Name withheld), come here.

(Youngest daughter shyly walks over to her dad.)

Rosenthal: (Points to the reporter) Do you see that man over there? That man works for the Babbler. They wrote that mean article about you. Now show daddy what you told mommy you were going to do.

(She walks up to reporter and stares at him for a few seconds.)

Youngest Daughter: I AM NOT AN ADOPTED SPACE ALIEN!

(Kicks the reporter in the shins. Both daughters run away.)

Reporter: That hurt. Are you going to punisher her?

Rosenthal: I’ll get around to it eventually. Right now, I’m savoring the moment.

In 1984, Rosenthal led Bolingbrook to victory in what would later be known as The Bolingbrook Time War. His bold leadership in the face of a technologically superior foe saved Bolingbrook from certain destruction. In the 31st century, he is hailed as a great liberator.

Though he was driven from office when he tried to disguise the cost of an anti-UFO defense system as wallpaper for his office bathroom, Rosenthal is still a respected resident of Bolingbrook. It is as if the residents know that Bolingbrook owes its continued existence to him.

Tomorrow:  Every journey starts with a first step.  Mayor Roger Claar invites the Babbler to watch him take his first steps towards becoming the longest-serving mayor in Bolingbrook’s history.

The Mayors of Bolingbrook: Bob Bailey (1978) (Fiction)

Few can argue with Bob Bailey’s dedication to Bolingbrook. He served on the Board of Trustees since Bolingbrook’s founding in 1965. To date, he is the only resident to serve two nonconsecutive terms as mayor. While critics called his expansion of Remington Blvd a “Road to nowhere,” it helped spur industrial development in Southern Bolingbrook. The current Bolingbrook Town Center is named in his honor. Some say that if you listen very carefully, you can hear his ghostly footsteps as he wonders the hallways.

In the late 1970s, Bailey had a love-hate relationship with the Babbler throughout his career. He would call Babbler reporters “a bunch of liars” at board meetings, yet most of what we now know about Clow UFO base came from his leaks to the Babbler. Sources say he summoned the ghosts of journalists to create The Phantom Press.  Bailey wanted a publication to compete with the Babbler, he allegedly told his supporters. Yet, when those supporters urged him to have the Babbler removed from Old Chicago, he refused. Circulation of the Babbler at Old Chicago saved the Babbler from almost certain bankruptcy.

Though Bailey gave many insightful interviews with the Babbler, his first interview as mayor was marred by the Disco Fever Epidemic of 1978. 

(Content notice 2017: Depiction of sexual harassment by the reporter.  Would not be tolerated today by any staff member.)

Mayor Bob Bailey goes disco!

By Reporter Quepasa

The phone rang at an ungodly hour.

“Why are you calling me at 1 PM. That’s wicked!”

“Keep cool, man. I’ve got a really hot tip, you know. So I had to wake you up, you know.”

“It had better be good, and not bogus.”

“There’s a VIP disco tonight at Old Chicago! Everyone who’s anyone in Bolingbrook is going to be there. They’ve set aside a special joint for the occasion!”

“Like no way!”

“Like way! It’s not open to the public, but I got tickets for you. If you wear your best threads they’ll let you in. Catch my drift?”

“I can dig it!”

After spending most of the afternoon enjoying the buzz from my primo coffee, I cleaned up and put on my best threads. I hopped into my car and pointed my car towards the dome.

By the time I got through the traffic on 53, it was nighttime. My source met me in the parking lot.

“The joint’s in the back.” He said as he handed me the tickets. “Be cool, and they’ll let you in.”

“This better not be bunk.” I told him.

“No way, man. This ticket is cool, you know.”

“I know.”

I walked through the front door, and made my way back through the Kitschy shops. Who knew that back in the olden times Chicago had indoor streets? As I strolled pass the Chicago Loop, I had to pause. I don’t care what the so-called scientists said, they were using alien technology to keep passengers in those seats! Someday I would figure it out. But not tonight!

Once I snapped out of it, I made my way to the unassuming door marked, “Chemicals! Keep out!” I knocked. The door opened, and large man looked at me.

“What’s the password?”

“Pathways!”

“Not so loud!”

“Sorry man.”

“You can come in. Nice threads.”

I walked up the dimly lit stairs, towards the flickering lights above. When I reached the top, I saw the movers and shakers of Bolingbrook. All twenty of them. The trustees, the editors, the business leaders, and those who wanted to be around them. It was a trip! What brought these people together? I thought I knew.

I sat down and tugged on a waitress. I asked her for coffee.

“Large or small?”

“I don’t want a drink. I want COFFEE!”

“Large or small?”

“I WANT COFFEE!”

“Oh! We’re not into that here. You’d have to go to a Chicago joint for that.”

I cursed my squeaky clean village and its boring farmers. I order a stiff drink, and slapped her on the butt. What was bringing all these powerful people here?

I got the lowdown soon enough. The dance floor lit up. The lights started to spin. The DJ spun the turntable, and the infectious groove creeped into my brain. The pull was too much. I, along with the trustees and their spouses, were pulled onto the dance floor. My brain started telling my body how to get down. I couldn’t help myself, and I didn’t want this groove to end. I started going solo, but then a cute groupie chick joined me. I should have been taking photos with my hidden camera, but my mouth just wanted to talk jive to the cutie in front of me.

“Evacuate the dance floor!” Came a cry.

Four men in blue pounced onto the floor, and then formed a large square. I thought I was on a high when I saw the four insanely FBI types start to do some synchronized moves on the dance floor.

Into the square, Mayor Bob Bailey and his wife swirled in.  Her flowing dress, and his stunning white suit, made me feel like I was having a flashback.

“Everyone feel the funk!” Exclaimed Bailey.

The music came over me even harder. My feet moved against my will, yet I couldn’t take my eye off of Bob Bailey. Not that there was anything wrong with that. Until he looked straight at me.

“I know you!”

My horror almost overwhelmed my desire to dance.

“Hustle on over here!” Exclaimed Bailey.

My legs danced to Bob before I could think about it.

He looked at his wife. “This man is with the Babbler.”

She greeted me before spinning on the floor.

“You’re here to watch us get down?” Asked Bailey.

My sense of duty came back to me. “Yeah! Can we talk while we get down?”

“Sure.” Said Bailey. “Your talking can’t stop the music. Nobody can stop the music!”

“Is it true that you’re trying to summon ghosts?”

“No comment.” Bailey said with an evil grin.

“Why?”

“Why would I summon the ghosts of reporters? You figure it out.”

The boogie overtook us for a few seconds. Then it became clear that this soul train of thought was going nowhere. That’s when I decided to go for it.

“Why do you want to build a road to nowhere?”

“Who says it’s a road to nowhere?”

“But there’s nothing there.”

“Nothing that you can see.”

“What does that mean?”

Bailey shook his head. “You’re with the Babbler. Think about it. I tell the world that I want factories there. I tell you there’s something there.”

Though I really needed my coffee, I could figure this out.

“There are invisible factories there?”

Bailey smiled. “There are cloaked factory ships there. We need to build the road so that we can get their products to market faster.”

“But won’t it look odd to have a four-lane road with no buildings?”

“You’re thinking small, man. We’ll put visible factories there to replace the cloaked ships. It will be cool.”

I shook my head. “I don’t know, man. That sounds like you’re trying to bring more people into Bolingbrook. Won’t that upset The Man?”

Bailey threw a cool dance move. “What’s The Man going to do? Get me involved in a bad deal, and then have the charges thrown out on appeal? Don’t worry. We’re cool with the powers that be.

“But I–”

Bailey started moving his arms. “I can’t hear you right now. This is the extended dance mix!”

Suddenly, Steve Dahl rushed to the dance floor wearing stereo headphones.

“Disco is evil!” He screamed. “Look at what it’s doing to our sense of dignity and fashion!”

Before the Men in Blue could grab him, he flashed a penlight at Bailey and me. The boogie left my soul, and my head felt like it was coming down after a long night of drinking coffee.

As the Men in Blue dragged Dahl away, it looked like Bailey was having the same sensation I was.

“Why am I wearing this ugly outfit? Why am I dancing to this music? Why are my guards dancing?”

Bailey snapped his fingers and the Men in Blue stood at attention.

“Don’t harm Steve,” Bailey said into the air. “I have a special mission for him.”

Bailey and his entourage marched off the dance floor.

I felt the need to go home and reconsider my life. Maybe even reconsider my coffee usage.

As I started towards the exit, I heard a man talking to his date, or maybe his wife.

“It is unacceptable that I have to go out of town to buy a fine polyester leisure suit.” He said. “I should be able to buy everything I need without leaving the village.”

“Maybe you should run for office.” Said the woman.

“It’s too expensive to run for office.  I would need to raise at least a thousand dollars to stand a chance.  Plus, the moment I say we need to replace cornfields with strip-malls, I’ll be labeled a foe of Bolingbrook.  Who wants to go through that?”

History says that a year later, Steve Dahl ended the disco epidemic with Disco Demolition Night. Though dance music came back in the 1990s, artists and producers worked to ensure that their music would never be as infectious as disco was.

We may never know if Dahl was acting under Bailey’s orders. If so, then perhaps we should be thankful that Bailey helped save the world from the disco apocalypse.

(2017: Though to be fair, some of the motivation behind the backlash against disco was homophobic and racist.)

As for Reporter Quepasa, he left the Babbler later in 1978 to find himself. When we last heard from him in 2006, he said he now had a personal relationship with the Flying Spaghetti Monster.  He wanted to inspire young people to become pirates and to “Not make the same mistakes I made when I was young.

Tomorrow:  They said that as sure as disco would live forever, Jimmy Carter would free the hostages, and Edward Rosenthal would never be mayor of Bolingbrook.  Find out what happened after he defied the odds.

Skepticon rejects Bolingbrook’s bid to host 2018 convention (Fiction)

Despite secret lobbying efforts from the Bolingbrook Chamber of Commerce, Skepticon officially chose St. Louis as their new host city.

“We are disappointed in Skepticon’s choice,” said a source within the Chamber.  “We feel that we had a competitive bid, and we feel that Bolingbrook is a great site for any convention.”

Skepticon, which describes itself as “The largest free skeptic conference in the nation, and possibly the universe,” is known for its coverage of both skeptical and social justice issues.  Sources within the Chamber say that winning the Skepticon bid could have been a big boost to tourism in Bolingbrook.

“Sure, Skepticon is filled with so-called social justice activists,” said another source.  “But they would have been our social justice activists, and even the most die-hard social justice activists need to spend money on food and hotels.  We could have made huge profits if we’d gotten this convention.  Just look at what it did for Springfield, MO.”

Sources within the Skepticon organization said they were flattered by Bolingbrook’s bid, but never seriously considered it.

One source, who asked to be called Rose, explained the reasons: “Most of us live in Missouri, so Bolingbrook is too far away for us.  Plus, most of the venues in Bolingbrook are too small for us.  The only place that we could hold it in was the Bolingbrook Golf Club, and even the discounted price was too much for us.”

The sources said they appreciated Bolingbrook’s efforts to make new homes accessible for people with disabilities, but cited other problems with Bolingbrook.  Among them were: a lack of public transportation options from both Chicago airports; a lack of sidewalks in Bolingbrook; and the distance between hotels and nearby restaurants.

Another source, who asked to be called Steve, had harsher words for Bolingbrook:  “We could not, in good conscience, go to Bolingbrook. Its mayor not only endorsed Trump but raised money for him as well.  We don’t expect our host mayors to be perfect, but (Mayor Roger Claar) is too far from perfect for us to move Skepticon to his community.”

Publicly, Skepticon denied ever receiving a bid from the Bolingbrook Chamber:  “We have no record of such a bid, and we’re skeptical that you interviewed anyone connected to Skepticon.  You can meet us in St. Louis next year.  Or the year after, or whenever we decide to start up Skepticon again.”

The Bolingbrook Chamber officially denied placing a bid for Skepticon: “The Babbler is already under a lifetime membership ban.  If we could extend it to two lifetimes, we would!”

A receptionist answered a call to Claar’s office. She said, “I’m sure Roger has never heard of Skepticon, and I’m skeptical of your sources for this so-called story.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “So Charline, this is the letter you want to send to Bolingbrook’s churches if the Johnson Amendment is repealed.

“Yes.  Once churches are allowed to endorse political candidates, it will be important to control them.  Just like you took control of the Village Board and the Chamber of Commerce.”

“Well, I didn’t really take control of the Chamber—Oh my God!”

“What?”

“Charline, you really wrote, ‘Church and state make each other great.’ Seriously?”

“What’s wrong with that?”

Also in the Babbler:

Russian snow attack against Bolingbrook fails
Crocoducks spotted in Bolingbrook
Sources: Mayor Claar threatens to move all of Bolingbrook into DuPage County
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/15/17

The Mayors of Bolingbrook: Nora Wipfler (1975) (Fiction)

In 1975, Bolingbrook celebrated its 10th birthday. Now it was officially the second largest municipality in Will County, and some predicted that Bolingbrook would soon reach 100,000 residents by 1985. If you were young and starting a family, Bolingbrook was the happening Chicago suburb. Old Chicago would open later that year, along with the Fountaindale Library. The future seemed bright.

The Babbler’s future, at the time, seemed uncertain. Following the loss of paper of record status, publisher John Olson was forced to make cuts. The page count was cut in half, and the number of enhanced photos per issues was reduced. Many believers feared that Chicagoland’s voice of truth could be silenced.

Though the Babbler was down, it was certainly wasn’t out, as our first interview with newly elected mayor Nora Wipfler clearly showed.

Mayor Wipfler speaks: Romeoville won’t eat us!

After avoiding the Babbler during the campaign, new Village President Nora Wipfler finally agreed to an interview! While obviously the powers that be prevented her from telling the whole truth about her plans for Bolingbrook, we found her relative openness to be quite refreshing.

Reporter: Thank you for the interview, madam president.

Wipfler: You can call me mayor. Everyone else does.

Reporter: OK. Well Mayor Wipfler, thank you for this interview.

Wipfler: Oh don’t thank me. I just want to be able to go to sleep and not worry about a three AM call from your reporters.

Reporter: Fair enough.

Wipfler: But don’t think that means I’ll put up with any sexist questions.

Reporter: (Tears several pages out of his notebook.) In that case, my first question is, how do you enjoy being the most important mayor in the galaxy?

Wipfler: Galaxy? Oh, that’s right. It feels just like being the mayor of a large village in Illinois. I enjoy it.

Reporter: Tell us about your first meeting with a space alien.

Wipfler: Now come on. You know that would be classified. I could tell you, but then a man in purple would have to slap you.

Reporter: Not a man in blue?

Wipfler: I meant a man in blue. Now, how about some questions that I can answer.

Reporter: OK. Our sources tell us that Old Chicago is being built over the Indian burial ground of ancient astronauts. Are you concerned that Bolingbrook could come under attack from a curse, the alien’s decedents, or both?

Wipfler: No.

Reporter: Do you care to elaborate?

Wipfler: Old Chicago isn’t being built on an ancient nuclear waste disposal site. The developer isn’t an alien. The communists aren’t ordering me to harass the developer. It’s just as ordinary as a shopping mall with an indoor amusement park can be ordinary.

Reporter: Are you concerned about the possibility of Old Chicago coming under psychic attack?

Wipfler: I’m sure the men in lavender, er purple, er whatever color they are, will handle any such attack…Though it sounds like a good plot for a disaster movie. You should pitch it to Hollywood.

Reporter: Oh no! We’re a serious publication.

Wipfler: Sure. Next question.

Reporter: With Old Chicago opening this year and the proposed widening of Route 53, are you concerned that with more people coming into Bolingbrook, Clow’s cover will be blown?

Wipfler: Clow’s cover?

Reporter: You know. Clow’s cover story.

Wipfler: Oh, the whole UFO base silliness.

Reporter: I’ve seen the evidence!

Wipfler: Calm down. I’ll give you a quote. Old Chicago is to the South of Clow air- er, UFO base. Since everyone will be looking South, they won’t notice the UFO’s flying into Clow. That way, when someone claims there’s a UFO base in Bolingbrook, we can say, “If there were a base in Bolingbrook, how come no one has seen it?”

Reporter: Because we’ve distracted them with Old Chicago.

Wipfler: And since everyone is indoors–

Reporter: That’s brilliant!

Wipfler: That’s why I won the election.

Reporter: You know, when John–

(Wipfler clears her throat)

Reporter: OK. Next question. You are urging residents to buy in Bolingbrook. Yet Bolingbrook relies on Interstellar tourism and trade. If the aliens followed your advice, wouldn’t that devastate our economy?

Wipfler: How so?

Reporter: If they did all their shopping on their homeworlds, then they wouldn’t shop in Bolingbrook. Since we rely on their tourist dollars, should we really be suggesting that they spend their money at home?

Wipfler: Well, if they’re shopping in Bolingbrook, that means they can’t get what they’re looking for on their home planets. So, I find it unlikely that our campaign would encourage them to shop elsewhere. So, if we encourage our residents to shop in Bolingbrook, and aliens to shop in Bolingbrook as well, together they’ll help boost our economy.

Reporter: I see.

Wipfler: Now we’re getting silly. What’s the next question?

Reporter: Some people say that the Bolingbrook/Romeoville joint planning commission is part of a plot to merge Bolingbrook into Romeoville.

Wipfler: Absolutely not. Romeoville is not going to eat Bolingbrook. It is just a group dedicated to coordinating the growth of our two communities.

Reporter: Kind of like the Twin Cities.

Wipfler: In a way, yes.

Reporter: I have a friend in the Twin Cities. He tells me that he knows an unusually large number of people there who practice polygamy or are in so-called open relationships. Aren’t you afraid that if Bolingbrook and Romeoville act like the Twin Cities, more residents will take up these so-called “alternative lifestyles?”

Wipfler: I… I really don’t know how to answer that question.

Reporter: You’re not afraid that forcing Bolingbrook into a twin city relationship with Romeoville will endanger traditional family values in Bolingbrook?

Wipfler: I’m not sure what I think of your hypothesis.

Reporter: Some people say that this commission is oppressive to the residents of Bolingbrook, and could lead to a civil war.

Wipfler: Is some people named John Olson?

Reporter: Maybe. How do you respond?

Wipfler: I think our alien ambassadors would be able to broker a peace deal before any violence. Besides, we are suburbanites. We don’t resort to violence. We resort to filing lawsuits against each other. That’s the civilized way.

Reporter: But don’t you think?

Wipfler: I think you have enough material. You don’t have as many pages as you used to.

Reporter: True, but I do have one more.

Staffer: (Walks into the room.) Excuse me. That man sent another letter to you. He says that our ordinances regarding gas station signs are too restrictive, and that we shouldn’t be fining stations whose signs violate the rules.

Wipfler: So, he thinks a gas station should be able to post signs advertising their food and non-automotive products?

Staffer: Yes.

Wipfler: Well then. Maybe we should let all the gas stations put up as many signs as they want, and if the marketplace allows Bolingbrook to be covered in signs, then who are we to argue?

(Long pause and both women burst out laughing.)

Wipfler: That’s a good one.

Tomorrow:  Mayor Robert “Bob” Bailey catches Disco Fever.

The Mayors of Bolingbrook: James Johnston (1974) (Fiction)

The second half of 1974 saw the opening of Bolingbrook High School. The first class of students also included 10 alien “observers.”, thus making Valley View the first school district in the free world to openly admit both human and extraterrestrial students.

James Johnston also became mayor in 1974, and would not run for reelection in 1975. Though he didn’t have the shortest term in the history of Bolingbrook, he does have the honor of having the shortest published interview in the Babbler.

Village President calls Romeoville’s annexation threat ‘nonsense’

Tensions between Bolingbrook and Romeoville escalated after Village President James Johnston abruptly ended an interview with the Babbler.

The complete transcript of the Interview is below:

Johnston: Sorry for the delay. I had to finish writing a letter to a young man who’s trying to tell me how to run the village. He says I need to fix the divided village board.

Reporter: No problem.

Johnston: So let’s get this over with. I guess it’s a rite of passage for the village president to be interviewed by the Babbler.

Reporter: OK. Given the fact that Bolingbrook violated their agreement with Romeoville by annexing land south of I-55 in order to build Old Chicago, Romeoville has talked about annexing land north of I-55. My question is this: If Romeoville tries to annex Clow UFO base, will you consider this an act of war, requiring the federal government to invade Romeoville, and if the Pleiades Confederation, as required by the treaty of Bolingbrook, assists militarily, how many causalities will you consider acceptable, how will you handle the antiwar protests, how will you stop the war from spreading to other suburbs, or will you just send in the Men in Blue to assassinate the Romeoville Village Board?

Johnston: (pauses) I don’t have time for this nonsense. (Hangs up the phone.)

Mark J Lindquist, an alien affairs analyst and advisor to the Babbler, called Johnston’s remarks irresponsible.

“I don’t think the deaths of thousands of innocent lives is nonsense.” He said. “Look at what happened at Kent State. Sure, Nixon was following orders from an alien overmind, but that didn’t make it right. Now imagine it on a larger scale. We’ll be the most hated suburb in the world!”

A spokesperson for Romeoville, who asked not to be named, also replied to Johnston’s remarks.

“We certainly do not consider the proud history of Romeoville to be nonsense. We’re named after a famous Shakespeare character! Bolingbrook is named after an obscure Shakespeare character, and can’t even keep a village president in office for longer than one term. You know what, I’ll bet you in a few years the demoralized Bolingbrook board will approach the joint planning commission and beg Romeoville to annex them. Your village is nothing more than a passing fad, like Southwest Airlines! We are as immortal as PanAm!”

Tomorrow:  Nora Wipfler becomes the second female mayor/village president of Bolingbrook, and she’s ready to fight back against the Babbler

The mayors of Bolingbrook: Patricia McDowell (1974) (Fiction)

In the early 1970s, the second wave of the feminist movement was in full swing. Many of the protections and rights women now take for granted were won during this time. Ideas once considered radical, like women should have equal opportunities, finally gained acceptance during this period.

During the middle of this time of transformation, the Bolingbrook trustees elected Patricia McDowell as the first female village president. Though to date, her presidency was the shortest tenure of all of Bolingbrook’s mayors, history will always remember her as a pioneer for all of Bolingbrook’s female political leaders.

Unfortunately, the Babbler at the time didn’t share the country’s growing acceptance of feminism. Publisher John Olson led the charge to have McDowell removed. His campaign reached a low point with the Babbler’s first and last interview with her. 

(2017: Content notice for the casual sexism of our former publisher. Sentiment NOT shared by current publisher.)

Did Village President McDowell punish the Babbler because it was that time of the month?

By John Olson
Publisher of the Bolingbrook Babbler

Village president Patricia McDowell invited me to her office after weeks of asking her for an interview. I graciously accepted the opportunity to explain to Mrs. McDowell why she was a bad example for the young ladies of Bolingbrook. She, like Betty Ford, is no lady, but I hoped to persuade her to reconsider her reckless fantasy that men would actually take orders from her.

As I stepped into her sparse office, I longed to see a women’s touch. She seemed out of place in a room once occupied by such manly men as Robert Schanks. Instead, there stood, this petite thing. She motioned for me to sit. I refused to sit until she sat. She sighed and then sat down.

McDowell: Let’s get this over with. I don’t appreciate going to Jewel and seeing my face on the cover of your tabloid. I really don’t like it when you insinuate that I’m cheating on my husband with an alien.

Olson: I have sources!

McDowell: What have I ever done to you? Why do you hate me?

Olson: I should be asking the questions. I’m the man in the room.

McDowell: And I’m the one in charge of the police department. Which by the way, I’ve noticed that our officers have been very forgiving whenever they see one of your reporters poking around Clow.

Olson: You don’t intimidate me.

McDowell: I’m not even trying to.

Olson: But I will answer your questions. I don’t hate you. I hate the fact that you are bringing your radical feminist baby killing man-hating ideas into village hall with the goal of corrupting our fine democracy and turning our village into a cesspool of communism and vegetarian feminism!

McDowell: Oh really?

Olson: Yes, and you’re a weak leader! You’ve already backed down against a sinister conspiracy to brainwash our citizens and turn us into slaves of the Octurian Alliance!

McDowell: I don’t follow you.

Olson: The signs, Mrs. McDowell! They’re putting messages in the signs, along with the communists, and you’re too nice to stop them from taking over.

McDowell: Oh, you’re upset that we didn’t enact the 90-day moratorium on new business signs. I told you at the meeting that you were welcome to do your own study–

Olson: We have done our own study. The messages are everywhere and you won’t stop them because you’re too weak. Schanks was right. Women don’t know which roles aren’t suited for them!

McDowell: And you don’t think I’m suited to be village president?

Olson: Of course not! You are the most important village president in the world! You control interstellar trade with Chicago. Yet you would rather advance an agenda that would force all housewives to get jobs, throw our children into orphanages, and cut off the testicles of all male residents. Now I think women should have some rights, like the right to decide how to clean their homes, but you want to push men into slavery! You want to force all residents to have surgery to remove all traces of gender. Just like the aliens of Zardos. You want to violate the universal foundation of every alien civilization which requires that all women submit to their males.

McDowell: It’s funny how all the aliens in your stories seem to share your beliefs.

Olson: What are you trying to say?

McDowell: I’m just saying it strikes me as funny that all of your aliens seem to reflect your beliefs.

Olson: My aliens? Oh, I get it. But then again you’re a woman so you wouldn’t understand. Just like my wife doesn’t understand, but she supports me, unlike you.

McDowell: Why would I support you? You’ve been nothing but condescending towards me ever since I first ran for trustee.

Olson: You know what I meant! No, I take that back. You don’t know what I meant. Because you are a woman! Your role is to have babies and support your husband. All women have a role to play, and business to attend to. You and all other women have no business being village president of Bolingbrook! You, and other young women like you, are the reason that God will smite Bolingbrook.

McDowell: And yet God always postpones his smiting for another week. I read the Babbler too, you know.

Olson: That’s good. So why don’t you resign, and spend more time trying to understand the Babbler? Then you’ll know why it’s important to support families.

McDowell: Mr. Olson. A young man sent me letter the other day. He said that he has a vision for Bolingbrook. In his vision, he sees village trustees, female, male, white, black and Hispanic all voting as one for the greater good of Bolingbrook. He sees a village where experience and education are valued over biology. Then I read your vision of Bolingbrook, and I feel sad. No, I just feel sorry for you.

Olson: Sorry for me? How dare you feel sorry for me. I am the voice of Bolingbrook. I created Bolingbrook’s first and only true tabloid.

McDowell: Except The Beacon was the first newspaper.

Olson: It was a newsletter then, and today it is just an oversized newsletter. I publish the truth! I know that the truth is unbelievable, and I still publish it! Because I am a man, and men must do what men do! I will do this! I will stand up to you.

McDowell: So you really don’t think I should be the village president.

Olson: I didn’t say that. Stop putting words in my mouth! I said is that you shouldn’t be out of the home at all. Big difference. And I will fight to have you taken away from your prison and put back in your home, where you belong.

McDowell: (pauses) You are welcome to say that. After all, it is in the First Amendment. However, the village doesn’t have to pay for your right to speak out against me.

Olson: What are you saying?

McDowell: The other villages presidents have been very lenient with their definition of what a paper of record is. After this conversation, it’s clear to me, and to the other board members, that the Babbler doesn’t qualify as a paper of record. It’s more like a work of fiction by a bitter man.

Olson: You wouldn’t dare! I’ll tell your husband on you. He’ll make you back down. No, I don’t have to do that. No one in the village hall will do what you say. The Babbler is a Bolingbrook institution! You can’t have Bolingbrook without the Babbler!

McDowell: We’ll find out if that’s true. (Presses a button on her phone.) Cancel all official announcements in the Babbler until further notice.

Voice: Yes?.

McDowell: Please stop buying space in the Babbler until further notice. We will post official announcements elsewhere. Now, Mr. Olson, I may not be able to physically intimidate anyone, but thanks to my ability to work with others, you are now out of a major source of income.

Olson: Oh you may be acting tough, but I’ll write up this interview and the world will know what kind of person you are! The Babbler will always be the paper of record, no matter what you say!

McDowell: I think its time for you to leave.

Olson (pauses): Out of respect for your husband, I will leave!

Just like an emotional woman at that time of the month, the Babbler is being victimized! Rest assured, the Babbler will work hard to put a man back in charge of Bolingbrook and restore The American Way to our community!

McDowell had to resign a few months later due to her husband accepting a job in Denver, CO. Though a man cut short her carrier as mayor, her legacy lives on. Today Sara Langston is the editor of the Babbler, and we publish stories from both male and female reporters. We and the village of Bolingbrook have come a long way, baby.

Tomorrow:  Village President James Johnston feels the heat from the Babbler. 

The Mayors of Bolingbrook: Thomas Groseth (1973) (Fiction)

From 1968 to 1973, Bolingbrook was on its way to becoming the second largest municipality in Will County. The first restaurant, Mr. Quick, opened in 1969. The park district was founded in 1970. That year also saw Valley View become the evilest school district in the country with its year-round calendar. Indian Oaks, Winston Woods, Ivanhoe, Cherrywood, and Cinnamon Creek subdivisions started in 1971. The first shopping center opened in 1972. Jewel opened in 1973, thus giving the Babbler two distribution locations, and allowing the Babbler to end free home delivery to every resident in Bolingbrook.

The Babbler also experienced growing pains. With the founding of the Bolingbrook park district, the Babbler was no longer Bolingbrook’s number one tourist attraction. Other weekly publications appeared and attempted to compete with the Babbler. Still, the future seemed bright for the Babbler.

In 1973, newly elected Village President Thomas Groseth tried to ignore the Babbler. He even went as far as to write a column for The Bolingbrook Beacon claiming it was Bolingbrook’s first newspaper. Though the persistence of one reporter, we finally got our interview.

Village President Groseth: Nixon supports me!

It took several phone calls, two visits from the Bolingbrook Police department, and two trips with The Men in Blue, but this reporter finally got an interview with Village President Thomas Groseth!

Groseth: Do you know what time it is?

Reporter: It’s time for your interview with the Babbler!

Groseth: You just won’t give up, will you?

Reporter: Absolutely not! Mr. Olson won’t pay me until I get a story. You how inflation is, man.

Groseth: (sighs) OK. Let’s get this over with.

Reporter: What is your favorite thing about being the village president?

Groseth: That’s the first question? OK, um, I really like getting letters from a young man who wants to move to Bolingbrook once he gets his Ph.D. So every time I hear someone complain at a board meeting, I just think about this young man and smile. Because someone out there is inspired by our village.

Reporter: You mean you’re more proud of getting fan letters than you are of being the administrator of the world’s largest urban UFO base?

Groseth: (sighs) Do we have to play this game? OK. This should make you happy. I neither confirm nor deny the existence of a UFO base next to Clow Airport.

Reporter: Then you are confirming that the base is under Clow?

Groseth: (muffled scream): If there were a base under Clow, and I’m not saying there is, then I would be very proud to be its administrator.

Reporter: Ah. Now if you were its administrator, and you’re not saying that you are, what are some of the challenges you face?

Groseth: (Yawns) Other than stopping the staff from making Uranus jokes? Hmm. I would say that covering up Clow’s finances from the general public.

Reporter: Really?

Groseth: Sure! Clow must make billions of dollars from all the extraterrestrial trade it does. Even with computers and pocket calculators, it must be quite a challenge to add up all those dollars. I’m sure the money is hidden in certain line items. I would have to make sure that none of the secret accountants did something wrong, like, misallocate a small percentage of the funds into a covert bank account, or hide a certain percentage in a seemingly innocent budget line. Plus, I’d have to make sure that no one creates any phantom employees to misallocate the funds. Hmm.

Reporter: That sounds like a demanding job.

Groseth: It is, if I had that job. I’m sure that if I had that job, President Nixon would fully support me. Heck, I’m sure that once Congress finishes its investigation, Nixon and I will still be in our positions. And I think that’s all for tonight.

Reporter: But I have questions about the aliens fascists in our schools, and weredogs on the–

Groseth: Tell John (Olson) that if one his reporters ever wakes me up again, I may or may not send the blue men after him.

Reporter: You mean the Men in Blue.

Groseth: Good night, Good morning, whatever time it is!

History says that Groseth resigned as village president on May 7, 1974 after he was fired from his full-time job. This was followed by President Nixon’s resignation on August 9, 1974. History also says that the two resignations were unrelated.

Sources at the time told the Babbler that both men were removed from power following an audit of Clow’s covert budget. Though Groseth was acquitted by the Illuminati’s high court in 1976, and Nixon was pardoned in 1974, both men would never again be involved with Clow UFO base.

Tomorrow:  Patricia McDowell becomes Bolingbrook’s first female village president, and Publisher John Olson decides to do something about it! 

The Mayors of Bolingbrook: Jack Leonard (1965) (Fiction)

For our Mayors of Bolingbrook special report, we’re starting with Jack Leonard, Bolingbrook’s first village president, as mayors were called back then. Leonard was instrumental in persuading the Trilateral Commission to found Bolingbrook as a cover for Clow UFO Base. Not only was he the first police chief, he also was the first temporal monitor, weredeer control officer, and alien greeter. Historians to this day do not know how he managed to get any sleep.

(Update 2017: This interview occurred right after residents voted to approve the creation of Bolingbrook in 1965. It is was conducted by John Olson, our first publisher. It was published in the very first issue of the Babbler.) 

Village President denies being a Soviet patsy!
Publisher escapes arrest and certain brainwashing!

Publisher John Olson crashed the village trustee’s celebration of Colonial Estates’ loss of freedom under the newly formed “village” of Bolingbrook. We have the exclusive transcript!

Olson: I have a question for the so-called president of this new village.

Leonard: Who are you?

Olson: I am the publisher of The Bolingbrook Babbler.  My reporter is handing out test (sample?) copies for each of you.

Trustee: How can we have a second newspaper? The voters only just approved incorporation.

Olson: Whenever oppressive liberal government forms, the press rises up to oppose it.

Leonard: We haven’t even had a meeting yet.

Trustee: And what kind of name is the Babbler anyway?

Olson: As in a babbling brook! What kind of name is Bolingbrook anyway?

Trustee: It comes from Shakespeare–

Leonard: Now you said you had a question. What is it?

Olson: Knowing that on any given night, up to three communist satellites pass over our community, and given that there are Beatniks and other unsavory elements just outside of our newly imposed border, and given that forcing the residents into a collective village is almost the same as collectivism which is practiced by–

Leonard: Do you have a question?

Olson: Are you going to petition Will County to invalidate this election because of interference from Soviet mind control satellites?

Trustee: Wait a minute! According to this article, God is going to smite Bolingbrook after our first meeting. Why are you working on an issue if God is going to destroy all of us?

Olson: We think that enough residents will say the prayer in the article and save Bolingbrook.

Leonard: I think you need to get more fresh air. The mold in your basement is affecting your brain.

Olson: Very funny. I will now ask another question.

Leonard: This should be good.

Olson: When will you tell the truth about Clow?

Leonard: The truth?

Olson: The truth that Bolingbrook is really a cover for the largest urban UFO base in the World!

(Silence)

Olson: And we’re going to keep covering Clow and all the other supernatural events in Bolingbrook!

Leonard: Honey, get the jail ready!

Wife: It’s full!

Leonard: Already?

Wife: People are getting drunk celebrating the new village.

Leonard: Mister, if it were up to me, I would lock you up tonight. But tonight, in the spirit of unity, I’m just going to ask you to leave. Instead of attacking the village, you should be following the example of a young man from out of town. He said that he wanted to be a pioneer, to start a new life in Bolingbrook. I said, “Young man, if you really want to help Bolingbrook we’ll need leaders. Leaders need PhDs! If you want to go out on your own, go to an out of state university first.  Take your time. Because Bolingbrook will be waiting for you.” Someday, he will be a great asset for Bolingbrook. You should work to be a great asset to this village right now.

Olson: Oh don’t worry! You may be part of an alien/communist plot, but we will be working together!

Leonard: Why’s that?

Olson: Because I run the only newspaper in Bolingbrook. That means I own the paper of record!

Trustee: What about The Beacon?

Olson: The Beacon? The Beacon is just Joe Kovach’s oversized newsletter and it covers other communities. The Babbler, on the other hand, exclusively covers Bolingbrook, and it looks better than The Beacon! We are the first true tabloid in Bolingbrook. You have to make us the paper of record!

Trustee: He has a point!

Leonard: GET OUT!

Tomorrow: Robert Schanks unleashes the ultimate weapon in the fight to maintain law and order in Bolingbrook!

Babbler celebrates the 19th anniversary of its first post (Fiction)

By Sara Langston
Editor of the Bolingbrook Babbler

Nineteen years ago this month, the Bolingbrook Babbler posted its first article online.  It was a hand-coded HTML page hosted on a staff member’s webpage.  The story investigated the possibility of a tornado magnet located at Lewis University.  (The magnet has since been dismantled.)  There was some controversy when the article was first published because our copy editor at the time insisted that the Lewis University was misspelling its name.

From that humble beginning, the website has come a long way over nineteen years.  Today, our web page reaches an international audience, as well as the residents of Bolingbrook.  We are the place to go for the unbelievable truth about Bolingbrook.

Each anniversary, we like to repost articles from the archives of our print edition.  This year we will be featuring our first interviews with each of Bolingbrook’s Mayors.  Yes, we did this in 2010, but this year we’ve made some enhancements to the articles.  Plus, we’re concerned that there are Bolingbrook residents who believe that Claar is the only mayor Bolingbrook has ever had.  While he is the longest-serving mayor in Bolingbrook’s history, he is not its only mayor.

So, join us this week as we’ll be featuring an interview from each of Bolingbrook’s mayors, past and present! Though these interviews, we hope you’ll see how both Bolingbrook and the Babbler have changed over the years.