Four Space Force Marines from Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base missing after ‘retaliatory’ strike against Jupiter (Fiction)

File photo of Jupiter provided by NASA.

By Reporter X

Four Space Force marines stationed at Clow UFO Base are missing following a “retaliatory strike” against the planet Jupiter.

Lieutenant Colonel Blake Z. Bush, during a press conference with the interstellar media, said: “We believe these men are still alive…And I believe they are inflicting Trump’s revenge as we speak.”  Bush is the commander of the 1st High Border Wall Battalion stationed at Clow. 

Bush said the Space Force decided to strike Jupiter moments after a meteor disintegrated over Bolingbrook.  Bush explained why:

“For billions of years, Jupiter has maliciously targeted Earth.  We decided that enough is enough, and President Trump gave us permission to strike back!  Our operation proved that we are making America great again.”

The marines in the audience replied in unison: “MAGA!”

According to Bush, a Space Force fleet launched 10 nuclear warheads at Jupiter, then dropped 20 paratroopers into Jupiter’s atmosphere.  The fleet has been unable to contact them.  Members of Fireteam Bannon from the 1st High Border Wall are among the missing paratroopers.

Bush refused to name the members, but played a video of their descent towards Jupiter.  In the video, the squad dives headfirst towards the planet, firing their particle weapons on full auto.  As a fireball formed around each member, they cried out: “MAGA!”

“Lock her up!”  The marines in the audience replied.  

The video ends with the marines disappearing into the clouds.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar collected himself for a few moments before commenting.  “The President had good intelligence that Jupiter was planning an imminent strike against Bolingbrook.  I pray that these good men are saving Republican—I mean innocent lives, as we speak.  They are truly making America great, and I am blessed that I will be forever remembered as the Trump Mayor!”

The marines present cheered.

“If you’re an Illinois resident,” added Claar.  “Don’t forget to vote for me to be a Trump delegate at this year’s Republican convention.”

Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the opposition Bolingbrook United Party, interrupted the press conference to criticize the Space Force:

“They aren’t missing.  They’re dead!  We’re not even sure if Jupiter has a solid surface!  Sure, we may live in a strange universe, but that doesn’t mean Jupiter is sentient.  It can’t make a choice to shield or target Earth.  Let’s be honest here:  Our President sent those men to their deaths for nothing!  It’s just a political stunt to make weak people feel tough.”

“Bob,” replied Claar.  “Just shut up and let me do the talking.  Be more like (Trustee Maria Zarate) and (Trustee Mary Basta).

Both trustees nervously smiled and slightly waved their hands while armed marines glared at them.

When reached for comment, a receptionist for Claar said he was busy and didn’t have time for an interview.

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer, said: “Igor!  Here’s the guy from Hoffman Estates we were talking about.  Mark, read what you wrote on Facebook.”

A man who sounded like School District 211 Board Member Mark Cramer cleared his throat and snarkily said: “Gonna be a GREAT Democratic Primary…. ‘I am the MOST liberal socialist running for the 54th’”

Spencer then said: “See Igor.  I told you he wasn’t one of my bots.”

“Impressive,” said Igor over a computer speaker.  “But he sounds too extremely conservative to be elected in the US.”

Cramer replied, “But I did win an election.  So I believe you can never be too conservative.”

Also in the Babbler: 

Claar take credit for defending Bolingbrook against Russian snow attack
Interplanetary primary postponed
Bolingbrook residents protest lifting of anti-matter restrictions at Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/15/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2020! (Fiction)

Once again, it’s time for our council of psychics to prepare our readers for shocking events that will happen in the new year.

Will County Board Member Rachel Ventura

Will Rachel Ventura upset Rep. Bill Foster and become the next AOC in 2020?

Our psychics did an excellent job of predicting 2019.  We predicted Trump’s impeachment while others thought the Democrats lacked the courage to impeach him.  The Edgar County Watchdogs didn’t hold a tent revival, but Supervisor Bill Mayer did resign in 2019, fulfilling one of their demands.  Representative Sean Casten did perform a concert in 2019.

However, Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler didn’t resign, and the village didn’t file for bankruptcy.  The future, however, is unclear and constantly changing.  For all we know, our psychic’s predictions might have prevented these events from happening.  We may never know.

With that in mind, it’s time to see what the year 2020 has in store for us.

***

Former Vice-president Joe Biden will be served a subpoena to testify at Trump’s impeachment trial.  He will be served the summons during a campaign speech, then immediately arrested by Secret Service Agents.

“You didn’t give me a chance to say yes!” Biden will say to the agents.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell will tell the press, “If I have to hear uncomfortable questions about our President, then I should be able to ask Joe uncomfortable questions too.”

The trial will end with a Trump acquittal and Republican talking heads proclaiming that Biden showed “contempt towards Congress.”  

Biden will reply: “Yeah, I have contempt for the members of the Senate for dragging my son and me into this trial.  That doesn’t mean I have contempt for the institution of Congress.  Even my old schoolmate Quaker Ottis could tell the difference, and he wasn’t a bright guy.”

The mainstream media will give “both sides” equal time, even though the Senate will never formally charge Biden with any crime.  Confused voters will turn away from Biden, ending his political career.

***

Mayor Roger Claar will formally announce his retirement and the start of his “farewell tour” during his State of the Village Address.  Many in the audience will be filled with tears as he will talk about his 34 years in office.  

Near the end of the speech, he’ll announce that he will repeal the village’s property tax.  He’ll receive a standing ovation and lots of praise on the Bolingbrook Politics Facebook group.  

However, few will notice that he will actually change the name of the property tax to “Mandatory Village Services Fee.”  Fewer will notice that the new fee will be higher than the old property tax rate.  That will not stop Trustee Michael Carpanzano from promoting Bolingbrook as a “property-tax free village.”

***

There will be several twists and turns before the Iowa Caucuses start.  

The Russians will leak a video of Sen. Amy Klobuchar saying, “I hate Iowa’s football teams.  The Hawkeyes blow and the Cyclones suck.  You know me:  Gopher fan for life!”

When asked about the video during a press conference, Klobuchar will grab a staffer by the ear and say, “Why didn’t you tell me about this video?  Don’t give me that face, or I’ll really make it hurt!”

Billionaires will flood Iowa City and Ames with ads endorsing Sen. Elizabeth Warren thus destroying her credibility with progressive activists.

On caucus night, Sen. Bernie Sanders and Andrew Yang will be tied for first place.  There will be reports of clashes between Yang and Sanders supporters.  This will be highlighted during Yang’s victory speech when a Sanders supporter will throw a chair at Yang.

“Any process that doesn’t make Bernie President is rigged!” the Bernie supporter will yell.

***

Rep. Bill Foster will lose his primary battle to Rachel Ventura, sending shockwaves around the country.  During her victory speech, she will announce her write-in candidacy against Sen. Dick Durbin.

“I have to get to Washington one way or another,” Ventura will say.  “You can’t expect me to sit on the county board while the Earth is burning.”

Mayor Claar will announce the  Roger Claar Mayoral Library, which will be built on the site of Bolingbrook Commons.  Most residents will be happy with the announcement, but some will express concern about the 900-foot statue of Claar that will be built on the site.

“Roger has always cast a shadow over Bolingbrook,” Carpanzano, head of the Roger Claar Mayoral Library Foundation, will say.  “We just want future generations to see that shadow.”

The Village Board will approve the permits for the statue.  Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz will cast the only no vote and be attacked on the Bolingbrook Politics Facebook group.

***

The Bolingbrook Independance (sic) Party will return, led by Bonnie Kurowski-Alicea.  Kurowski-Alicea, who ran for mayor as a write-in candidate in 2009, will run on a platform that calls for banning homeowners associations and abolishing property taxes.

“Roger’s thugs tried to destroy me.  They slandered me in Village Hall.  They forced me to move to Florida.  They thought they could humiliate me in Trademark Court.  They were wrong.  I’m back in Bolingbrook, where I belong, and I’m ready to retake the office that was rightfully mine.  The band is back together, and we’re ready to take on Bolingbrook United, and the First Party for Bolingbrook.  The corrupt will be caged when I’m mayor.”

Days later, former trustee Rick Morales will announce his candidacy for mayor as a member of the Bolingbrook First Party.  Though it would mean a primary challenge against former DuPage Township Trustee Bill Mayer, Morales will say he has no choice but to run:

“Bonnie trashed me for years, and Roger always prevented me from saying what I really feel.  Now Roger won’t be holding me back.  I’m going to reclaim the Bolingbrook First party, and then I’m going to answer all of Bonnie’s false claims.  When I’m done with her, I’ll wipe out Bolingbrook United and show the First Party for Bolingbrook that it’s my turn to be mayor!”

***

After the Presidential election, President Trump and Vladimir Putin will announce a joint US-Russian invasion of Ukraine.  Days after the country falls, both leaders will announce that they “discovered” documents that prove Ukraine interfered in the 2020 election.

Trump will tweet: “The do-nothing Democrats just ruined our country’s perfect election.  So I’m doing something about it!  #Qanontime”

Trump will then order the arrest of President-elect Andrew Yang.  Yang will announce that he has set up a “second White House” and is prepared to run the country from there if necessary.

He will post: “Hey, anyone with half a brain should have expected Trump to try something like this.  Trump probably didn’t expect this:  Any member of the US Armed Forces who stands with me during this crisis will get a Freedom Dividend of $2000 instead of $1000.  #Math”

The year will end with Russian “peacekeepers” heading towards the United States, the military divided, and Claar screaming: “All I wanted to do was retire, and write my memoir!  Now I have to deal with a civil war.  Why did I ever endorse Trump?  Don’t quote me!”

Also in the Babbler:

Happy New Year from the staff of the Babbler
Mayor Claar to claim all of unincorporated Will County to stop legal cannabis sales
Wereskunks urge residents to leave out extra garbage this week
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/1/20

US Space Force Marines deployed to Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Days after Congress recognized the Space Force, One-thousand Space Force Marines marched into Clow UFO Base. They were chanting: “MAGA,” “Trump for Life,” and “Submit, don’t resist!”  These marines will use Clow as their base of operations.

During a welcoming ceremony, Bolingbrook Mayor (and Clow Administrator) Roger Claar, said: “I’ve always believed in providing the best security. Now Clow has an extra layer of security.”

The marines marched through most of Clow, including Embassy Row.  Opinions about the march varied among those who watched:

“I had to make sure I wasn’t in Earth’s past,” said Abraham, a resident of the Interstellar Tribes of Israel.   “We’ve been away for centuries, but even we know that authoritarianism can lead to terrible things.”

“I love it!” said AxlJoisgo, a resident of Teegarden C.  “I’m happy to see that humanity’s hippie generation has grown up to endorse law and order!  Okay, boomers!”

First Lady Melania Trump addressed the marines during the welcoming ceremony:

“Space Force will be our country’s first line of defense against Space ISIS!  That is why I am ordering Space Force Marines deployed to every UFO Base in our great country.  The administrators have a choice: Either you will open your doors to us, or we will force them open!”

While President Trump granted Melania authority over all UFO Bases in the United States, her authority is only recognized in Illuminati controlled bases.

Bolingbrook United, Bolingbrook’s opposition party, accused Claar of using the marines to intimidate their consulate staff:

“Our building is now surrounded by Space Force Marines,” read a press release from Bolingbrook United. “Our staff now have to pass through extra checkpoints and answer intrusive questions.  Roger, you may have won the last election, but we are still the future.”

Clow’s public relations office released a statement in reply.  Part of it read: “The marines are here to protect Clow.  If Bolingbrook United doesn’t show more respect to the brave men of Space Force, we may not respect the safety of their property or their staff.”

A few Clow employees, speaking anonymously, claim that Space Force Marines are aiming artillery at Chicago, Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base, and Peotone’s UFO Base.  Some claimed to have heard marines talk about their urban combat training.

“Unless they’re planning on attacking the Martian Colonies,” said one anonymous staff member, “I suspect they’re talking about fighting battles on Earth.  I hope I’m wrong, and that Trump isn’t going to use the Space Force to get revenge for being impeached.”

A message from Space Force Command stated that “Normies who behave have nothing to fear.”

A receptionist for Claar denied the existence of Clow UFO Base, and the existence of Space Marines:

“I wonder what you guys are going to do once Roger retires in 2021?”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Charlene, I don’t know how you got Jackie’s secret mayoral platform from 2017.”

A woman who sounded like Covert Social Media Operative Charlene Spencer replied: “Let’s just say I believe in a foreign power.”

“Don’t say any more.  Okay, we’ve co-opted her Village Manager plank.  What else can we co-opt?”

“Ban political contributions from vendors who do business with the village?”

“We can do that.  They can donate to my political action committee instead.”

“End no bid contracting?”

“We can do that.  The bidding process will just waste the new mayor’s time.”

“Sell the Bolingbrook Golf Club?”

“(Expletive Deleted) that!”

Also in the Babbler:

 Claar supporter hospitalized after Jackie Traynere tells him he exists
Trustee Michael Carpanzano denies plans to cap chiropractors in Bolingbrook
Mayor Claar: Running over liberals is still a crime
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/26/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.

Hackers from parallel universe hack into Village of Bolingbrook servers (Fiction)

Two hackers from a parallel universe hacked into the Village of Bolingbrook’s systems.

“Don’t worry,” said Blake, an IT staffer.  “They didn’t touch the garbage fee or property tax databases.  As far as we’re concerned, that’s a win for us.”

According to anonymous sources, many employees at Village Hall started receiving mysterious instant messages asking them to click on a link.  Those who clicked on the link were locked out of their applications.  A message then appeared telling them to wait for a “cool veedo (sic) call.”

“At first I thought it was a Russian ransomware attack,” said Blake.  “But when we disconnected the servers from the Internet, employees were still getting messages.  It was like the hack was coming from within our own system.”

While the Bolingbrook police started investigating people who didn’t click on the link, Alice, another IT staffer, worked on finding the source of the IMs.  “Sometimes I would find a compromised account, but I couldn’t see the activity on that account.  Then I would see activity but couldn’t trace it to an account.  It was like dealing with a quantum probability wave.”

After an hour, the hackers started a group chat.  Two masked Girl Scouts appeared in the chat window.  One of them sat in a chair and held a tablet.  The other one looked into the camera.

“Hello,” said the standing Girl Scout.  “We are the Naughty Ninjas.  We have taken over your computers.  You must give us all of your Polly Pocket toys, or you’ll be sorry!”

“Thank you,” said the other scout.  She started giggling.

“What?” asked the standing scout.  She leaned over the other scout, then turned red.  “You freed their computers, in exchange for a cat picture?”

The sitting scout nodded vigorously.

“Seriously?” said the standing scout.  “Give me that!”

The two girls tugged on the tablet for a few seconds before their troop leader walked on screen.  She said they were both naughty, and to leave the room.  Both girls pouted and walked out. The troop leader then looked into the camera and gasped.

“Jackie!  The girls did something!”

A woman who resembled Will County Trustee Jackie Traynere walked into view.  Then she leaned towards the camera: “Hello.  Don’t panic.  I am the Mayor of Bolingbrook, but you can call me Jackie.  It seems that our naughty girl scouts used our quantum computer to hack into your system.  I’m sorry about that.  It’s only supposed to access other quantum computers across the multiverse.  We don’t mean you any harm.  We’re just trying to figure out how to plow snow without burying our cul-de-sacs and destroying mailboxes.  Sheldon, can you help.”

A man who resembled Trustee Sheldon Watts walked into view, wearing a Freedom From Religion Foundation polo shirt: “Don’t worry.  I’m going to fix it, so your reality is locked out from our search engine.  I really hope you have a Richard Dawkins in your universe.  He turned my life around.”

“What’s this?” asked Traynere.  “It’s a message from Roger.  Oh my goodness.  Mayor Grumpy Pants is your universe’s mayor.”  She read another message, then replied: “Oh in our universe, you were defeated in 2001 by Mayor Ed Rosenthal.  That crazy golf club idea was too much to take.  Instead, we built a park and outdoor concert venue.  We’re hosting Ribfest next year.  Just imagine how embarrassing it would have been if Romeoville had outbid us.”

A man who resembled Trustee Michael Carpanzano quickly walked into view.  Traynere pointed at the camera and said: “Look.  We’re getting a text message from another universe.”

The man read the message.  “Really?  That low number is Bolingbrook’s  all-time high S&P rating in your universe?”

“They built the golf club.”

“Ah.  Well, I always like to see the positive side of things.  So, I’m glad you cleaned up your mess, alternative universe Roger.  Oh, Sheldon is about to disconnect us from your universe forever.  So, let me wish you the best of luck, and remember: A united Bolingbrook is the best kind of Bolingbrook.”

The video chat ended.

“That is one strange universe,” said Alice.

When reached for comment, Claar made some unprintable comments before saying: “Once the Supreme Court ends Congressional harassment of our president, you’d better hope they don’t overturn Hustler Magazine v. Falwell!”

Also in the Babbler:

Claar threatens to arrest alien cannabis couriers
Peotone UFO Base bans alcohol sales
Village renews Santa’s home-entry license
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/19/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group

Clow UFO Base MMA Match between Mayor Claar and former V.P. Joe Biden ends in draw (Fiction)

By Reporter X

An impromptu mixed martial arts match between Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar and Vice-President Joe Biden ended in a draw.

“I know I saw it,” said Zoydois, who asked that her planet not be identified.  “I just cannot grok what I saw.”

According to eyewitnesses, Biden was at Clow UFO Base for a fundraiser hosted on his behalf by some members of the so-called One Percent.  Claar accosted Biden and demanded to know how he gained access to Clow.  Biden replied that he was invited and simply walked in.

“You’re a member of the New World Order,” snapped Claar.  “Members of the New World Order need authorization from Illinois Master Councilor and myself.”

“I’m also a member of the Illuminati.”

“What?”

“Yeah.  I joined the New World Order when they broke off from the Illuminati, but I also kept paying my membership dues to the Illuminati.  So, I have just as much right to be here as you do.”

“How’s that possible?”

“I like working with both secret societies, just like I working with Republicans as well as Democrats.  That’s why I’m leading in the polls!  —Which is why we’re going to be working together once Trump is removed from office.”

“Like hell we are!”

The two argued for several minutes.  Claar was insisting that dual membership was impossible, and Biden was insisting that “Pop Tart” gave him permission.  

Finally, Claar had enough: “Let me spell it out for you.  We.  Do.  Not.  Like.  You!  We want to destroy you and your Democrat party—”

“Democratic—”

“I am Bolingbrook!  In Bolingbrook, its Democrat Party and (Hunter Biden) is corrupt.”

He is not corrupt and if you weren’t so beholden to your (expletive deleted) for brains President—”

“Nobody calls The Donald—”

“(expletive deleted) for brains President—”

“That does it, old man!  We’re stepping into the ring!”

“You’re the one sounding like an old man!  Young people fight in the octagonal—”

“Octagon!” 

“Call it what you want, Roger.  I’ll kick your ass in it!”

Despite frantic pleading from their advisors, both men geared up and entered an Octagon in one of Clow’s gymnasiums.  

“Bipartisan means doing everything Republicans want,” said Claar.  “So, if you want to be bipartisan, you’ll let me smash your face!”

“Bipartisanship means keeping radical Democrats in check.  You’ll understand once I beat the Trump out of you!”

When the bell rang, both men charged at each other.  Each was throwing wild punches and unbalanced kicks at the other.  After several seconds, both men ended up grappling on the ground.

“What kind of name is Hunter?” asked Claar.

“What kind of person names their child after a stoner rocker?”

“Her name isn’t Lindley!”

“I said her real name!”

“No, you didn’t!  Are you losing your mind?”

“When I get my hands free, I’ll sunset you!”

The referee separated the two men and told them to stand up.  Both were too exhausted to stand up.  The referee called the match a draw and allowed medical teams to treat them.

“They didn’t do any permeant harm to each other,” said Dr. Susan Alberts.  “They just needed fluids and skin sealer to get back to normal.”

Surrogates for both sides tried to spin the results of the fight:

“God spared Roger from serious harm,” said Trustee Sheldon Watts.  “That means if you want to be good with Jesus, you need to be good with Roger.”

Julia Z. Pinsker offered her talking point:  “The Democrats need a Presidential Nominee that will not only appeal to African Americans, and conservative whites, they need a nominee who is willing to fight.  Joe Biden today proved that he is willing to fight anyone, including Trump mayors and clueless retired farmers!”

Also in the Babbler:

Edgar County Watchdogs request FOIA transcripts from DuPage Township Trustee’s bathroom chats
Atheist Alliance International leader denies inappropriately touching an angel
Bolingbrook’s Alien Raiders win Solar System Football Championship
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/10/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group

‘We celebrate Christmas in Bolingbrook!’: Mayor Claar sparks protests after changing Clow UFO Base’s holiday concert to a Christmas concert (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar enraged many attendees of the Clow UFO Base Holiday Concert by insisting that only Christmas music be played.

“We celebrate Christmas in Bolingbrook!” said Claar.  “We call it Christmas in Bolingbrook, and we don’t use this holiday nonsense!  So, I’m through being politically correct!  I’m changing this to a Christmas concert. If that triggers you, too bad!”

The announcement was followed by over five minutes of booing, objects thrown on stage, and three aliens projectile vomiting in Claar’s direction.

Claar was not moved: “Your rage only strengthens my resolve!”

Clow authorities ended up arresting 300 attendees, treating 179 for injuries, and issuing fines totaling over a billion interstellar credits. Officials compared the mayhem at this concert to the 1994 Industrial Holiday Concert headlined by My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult and Genitorturers.

“In 1994, Roger could blame his planning staff for that disaster,” said one official who asked not to be identified.  “This time it’s all on Roger.  I don’t know why he felt the need to change the theme at the last minute.”

Another anonymous official blames Fox News: “Roger’s been watching a lot of Fox News lately.  I heard him claiming that liberals have started a war on Thanksgiving. Then he said he needed to save Christmas from his ‘foes.’  Just between you and me, things have been getting out of hand around here since the impeachment hearings started.”

While most of the performers honored the Christmas music-only theme, a few of them rebelled.  Members of Blue Star, a band from the Interstellar Tribes of Israel, walked on stage wearing Blue Santa outfits.  The lead singer told the audience: “We heard that on your planet, the Hebrew word for Christmas is Hanukah.  They also celebrate it over eight nights.  So let’s get into the holiday spirit!”

The band then started playing “Hava Nagila.”  Claar then ordered band members arrested for disorderly conduct.

“You know damn well that song has nothing to do with Christmas or the birth of Christ,” Claar said over the public address system.

“Even I know Christmas had nothing to do with your false prophet!” countered the lead singer.  

As the band members were dragged off stage, the drummer yelled in Hebrew: “Move to the Promised Worlds! All the Milk and Honey you can eat.  None of the occupied territories!”

The publicist for the band explained that the drummer meant that planets settled by the Lost Tribes of Israel were never home to civilizations or intelligent beings.   

Later in the show, a man in a fireproof suit ran on stage and poured a liquid on himself.

“The only holiday worth celebrating is HumanLight!” he yelled before setting himself on fire.  

Security doused the flames and arrested the man.  They pulled off his head covering and revealed him to be Atheist activist David Silverman.

“Support Atheist Alliance International!” he yelled.  “I need the money!”

As he was dragged away, Silverman repeatedly yelled the word “Red!”

“That’s not the safe word,” replied Claar.

Near the end of the show, Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz walked on stage holding a metal pole. He stated:

“I have a grievance.  Once a month I have to deal with a man who thinks he’s better than a king and thinks anyone who opposes him is not a real resident.”

“Get to the Christmas part or get off the stage,” snapped Claar.

“Okay, Roger.  Friends, for those of us who celebrate Christmas, it’s a time when we wish for world peace and for everyone to just get along.  So, in that spirit, I’d like to invite two people on to the stage.”

Representative Bill Foster and his primary challenger, Will County Board member Rachel Ventura, walked on to the stage.  Foster then stared at a teleprompter.

“Gee Rachel,” said Foster, who didn’t look at Ventura and had no emotion in his voice.  “We’ve been fighting for all these months.  In the spirit of Christmas, let’s try to be nice to each other.”

Ventura frowned: “I’m only reading this because it will help me unite the Democratic party after I send you into retirement.  ‘Gee Bill, you’re right.  Let’s enjoy the evergreen trees and make a new deal.’  Bob!  Tell me you didn’t write this.  Right?”

Jaskiewicz laughed:  “Now we’re going to sing a song.  But we’re going to need some help and she’s coming on stage right now.”

Yoko Ono walked on stage and waved.  Many aliens stopped fighting with security and cheered.  Ono, along with Jaskiewicz, Foster, and Ventura, started singing “Happy Xmas (War is over.)”  Soon the entire audience started singing along.

Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler stumbled onto the stage and joined the singing.  Trustee Mary Basta then ran up to Lawler and started singing.  A hologram of Claar appeared on the stage and motioned for them to get off the stage.

After the song, Ono thanked the audience: “I want to end all wars in the galaxy.  Do you?”

The aliens cheered.  Ono then started singing her current interstellar hit song, “Ack!”  

Claar covered his ears and complained to his guest in his skybox about aliens’ taste in Earth music.

Also in the Babbler:

Alyssia Benford spotted measuring Mayor Claar’s office
Ten-Thousand-year-old cat revived then wants to be outside
Mayor Claar threatens to arrest Toter marchers
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/6/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group

Mayor Claar tells Congressional committee that Trump wanted him to investigate Biden family (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar admitted before the House Appropriations Sub-subcommittee on Nail and Thumbtack Spending that President Trump asked him to investigate the Biden family.

“He said he was willing to spare Clow UFO Base,” Claar reluctantly said, “in exchange for dirt on Joe Biden.”  Claar quickly added: “I never told the President that I would tell a big lie for him.”

“Did you mention the possibility of small lies?” – asked Representative Brad Schneider.

“I’ll take the fifth with some Jack with a coke,” replied Claar.

The sub-subcommittee, which oversees all US Government UFO spending and Interstellar policy, subpoenaed Claar as part of its impeachment investigation into Donald Trump.  Claar replied that the President told him not to honor the subpoena because “his Supreme Court was going to declare Congress unconstitutional”. Claar then added that because he had a book deal with an interstellar publisher, he also had “Book Deal Immunity.”

“Book Deal immunity applies to self-published books as well as traditionally published books.  Testifying before the committee will deny me the opportunity to pursue happiness, which is unconstitutional.  The government does not have the right to compel spoilers!”

The members of the Sub-subcommittee flew to Clow UFO Base and booked a meeting room.  A Martian Colonial battleship then beamed Claar from his office at Village Hall.

Beth, who asked that we not use her last name, saw Claar as he was being abducted:

“He flipped off the space craft and said: ‘I’ll talk, but you won’t like what I have to say.’  He was not in a good mood.”

Once in the meeting room, Claar refused to be sworn in, and made several unprintable comments about the “Democrat Party Impeachment Witch Hunt.” When threatened with imprisonment by one Phobos, Claar laughed.  After the Martian Colonial Ambassador walked into the room, Claar stopped laughing and agreed to be sworn in. 

During the two hour hearing, Claar testified that Trump asked him 10 times for information on the Bidens.  Trump, according to Claar, explicitly threatened to cut off Clow funding if he did not conduct a favorable investigation.  Claar went on to say that Trump dropped his demands once the impeachment investigation started:

“He failed to commit a crime, therefore it’s not a crime, and this hearing is illegitimate.  Can I go back to work?”

Rep. Sean Casten asked Claar what his investigation found.  Claar replied that the former Vice-president only visited Clow UFO Base once, and accidentally called it “Cow UFO Base.”

“He corrected himself, and it was kind of funny.  Other than that, we’re unfortunately not aware of him doing anything illegal.”

The Sub-subcommittee’s Republican members harshly questioned Claar:

“Did you hear Trump say he was going to take away your funding?” asked Rep. Mike Simpson.

“Yes.”

“So we can call your evidence ‘hearsay,’ don’t you agree?”

“I guess.”

“So what are you doing providing hearsay evidence to this committee?”

“You’re behind the curve, Congressman.  Our current talking point is that Trump did nothing wrong.”

“My apologies, Roger.”

Congresswoman Martha Roby accused Claar of being a “Never-Trump Republican” and pretending to be a Trump supporter for political gain.

“Don’t you think a real Trump supporter would be consulting Stephen Miller about their community’s demographic problem?”

File photo of Mayor Claar at a Prakash Utsav celebration in Bolingbrook.

Claar denounced Roby: “I was a Republican before you were even born, and I will be a Republican when I die.  The only thing I gained from Trump was a close election.  Look, every real Bolingbrook resident loves me and I use that love to promote the Republican party.  In fact, I’m so loved that our local Sikh community made me a Turban, and I’m honored to have that title!  I think I’m the first Republican Turban in Bolingbrook’s history!”

“Do you really—”

“Right now, the only thing I really care about is Trump staging a coup so we can get past this impeachment nonsense.”

After the hearing, Claar refused to comment to the press.

Schneider said Claar was helpful: “We suspected that Trump’s corruption extended to the stars, and Roger proved it.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook High School advances to the interplanetary football finals
Trustee Jaskiewicz accuses Claar of diverting funds to the wereskunks
Clow UFO Base will not change the name of its Holiday Concert
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/20/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Clow UFO Base reports record profits from UFO political ads (Fiction)

Enhanced photo of two UFOs with political display ads.

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar announced that Clow UFO Base sold the most political UFO display ads in its history.

Twitter is banning political ads,” said Claar, during a press conference with members of the interstellar media.  “We’re selling more political ads than ever.  So if you want to win your next election, don’t look to social media.  Look to the stars!”

According to Claar, most of this year’s spending came from liberal-leaning billionaires and “well-connected” Democratic campaigns.  Most of the advertising spending is aimed at influencing the Democratic Caucuses.  

“Just ask (Pete Buttigieg) and Tom Steyer.  Their covert committees liked the results of our ad buys, and love our reasonable prices!  You know, Michael Bloomberg just bought several ad slots.  Now I’m not a psychic, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he won Iowa because that’s how effective our ads are.”

Claar said a display ad on a UFO is very influential among rural voters.

“If an Iowa farmer sees your ad on a UFO, they’re going to assume that an advanced civilization supports your polices.  Once an Iowa farmer thinks that, no TV ad will persuade him that your candidate is inferior.  Aliens are the key to victory.”

Ads, however, do not mean that a UFO crew endorses a candidate.  Lodix, a botanist from Shedo Collective, says she puts ads on her UFO for the money:

“I can’t tell the difference between Sen. Elizabeth Warren and Representative Steve King.  But I do love the Interstellar Credits I get from running their ads.  Let’s face it, my job sampling Earth plants isn’t the most profitable career.  So I can use the extra credits.”

Lodix, however, does have some concerns about the ads:

“You shouldn’t decide your leaders based on an ad or meme.  You really should look at all of their positions.  Still, ads and memes can be infectious.  Look at the humans who think Hillary Clinton would have been just as corrupt at President Trump.  Trump is a universal example of corrupt leadership.  There’s no way Hillary could ever have lived up to his example, and more importantly, she didn’t want to.  That shows me the power of advertising and memes to influence humans.  Honestly, your species really (expletive deleted) up by selecting Trump.”

While most UFO Bases around the world ban political ads, Claar said he was proud that Clow allows them:  “We like to do things differently in Bolingbrook.”

Claar also defended allowing ads for candidates affiliated the New World Order, despite being a leader of the Illuminati himself:

“The Illuminati is dedicated to spreading chaos.  Nothing spreads chaos quite like attack political ads.  Just look at my community.  The local Democratic party is in chaos because Rachel Ventura is challenging (Representative Bill Foster).  Their infighting helps me as both a member of the Republican Party and as a member of the Illuminati.  Let them fight, and let me collect the money!  I mean let Clow collect the money.”

Claar wouldn’t confirm rumors that he’s been buying pro-Ventura UFO ads.

He did say that he expected the Trump campaign to devote “significant resources” to UFO advertising starting in the summer of 2020. 

When reached for comment, a member of Foster’s staff denied that Foster buys UFO display ads:

“UFOs are not alien spacecraft.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to find the Congressman because we just found out that he’s canvassing in the same subdivision as Rachel is and— Oh no!  We’re too late!”

In the background, a man who sounded like Foster said:  There are other ways to stop manmade climate change.”

A woman who sounded like Ventura replied:  “Only the Green New Deal can save us.”

“I’ll bet you don’t even know what the Green New Deal is.”

“I know exactly what it is.  It’s awesome!”

Also in the Babbler:

Claar denies latest Russian snow attack
Oswego player blames aliens for Raiders’ OT win
Society of Professional Journalists laughs at Alyssia Benford’s complaint against the Babbler
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/13/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Wereskunks and weredogs riot over Valley View 365U recount result (Fiction)

What started as a peaceful protest by weredogs against the removal of School Board member Dr. Sandra Carlson ended in a violent clash with anti-Carlson wereskunks. Dozens of weredogs were arrested in front of Valley View’s offices by officers from Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs.  The weredogs will be charged with causing hundreds of dollars in damages.

“They started it!” —complained weredog Bo as he was being restrained by the officers.

“Shut up!” —replied the officer.  “You started it by acting like a big snowflake over the lawful removal of a fake board member.”

Though the school board election happened seven months ago, defeated incumbent JT Boudouris filed a lawsuit to request a recount of five of 39 precincts. The lawsuit demanded that ballots that were not initialed by an election judge be thrown out.  The motion was granted.  Following the recount, Carlson’s three-vote win was overturned.  Carlson ran as a member of the Bolingbrook United Party.

Taffy, a weredog, said: “They should have recounted all of the precincts— not just the ones that favored (Mayor Roger Claar’s) candidates.  Roger thew out ballots due to no fault of each individual voter.”

The picket line started with marchers chanting, “Bad humans!  No Bone!”  and “Kennel Roger!”  They did not block entrances, though a few Valley View staff members said they felt intimidated.

“Why are they so mad?” asked a woman who wished to remain anonymous:  “JT earned his seat.  Just like Trump earned his seat.  It shouldn’t be a popularity contest.”

Minutes later, several wereskunks marched towards the weredogs, chanting: “We love Claar!  He’s so fair!”  They then threw litter at the weredogs, and some sprayed them.  

“Bad dogs!”  yelled one wereskunk.  “You stink!”

The weredogs then charged at the wereskunks and started fighting.  Later, officers from the Bolingbrook Department of Paranormal Affairs arrived, though Valley View’s offices are located in Romeoville.  They fired tear gas and perfume to break up the fighting.  Twenty weredogs were arrested but no wereskunks were arrested.  Instead, the officers treated injured wereskunks, and let them create “litter art” while singing, “We are the Champions.”

“We love Roger!” said one wereskunk.  “We love his candidates.  We’ll do anything we can to support them!”

A member of Bolingbrook United denied knowing about the riot:  “We don’t have time for this silliness.  If your readers really want to help us, come to our Chili Fundraiser this Thursday. You’ll get to find out which elected official cooks the best chili, and help us return Dr. Carlson back to her rightful seat.  Roger just arrived.”

A man who sounded like Claar said:  “Joe, I’m glad to see you’re personally delivering your response to my ultimatum.  Now I don’t mind political parties in Bolingbrook, as long as they don’t run candidates.”  After a long pause, the man said: “Is this your entire response?”

“Yes.” said a man who sounded like Bolingbrook United chair Joe Giamanco.

Nuts?”

Also in the Bolingbrook Babbler:

Atheist Alliance International to record TV program in Bolingbrook
Trump demands a new UFO Base in Bolingbrook
Pluto ambassador objects to planned NASA Pluto orbiter mission
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/7/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Village announces controversial ‘Adopt a zombie’ program (Fiction)

Bolingbrook residents will have the opportunity to “adopt” one of the zombies that live in the Bolingbrook Commons Shopping Center.  Not every resident is in favor of this program.

“Don’t our government officials watch zombie shows?” asked Jeb Parker, a member of Bolingbrook’s Art Bell Party.  “Bolingbrook Commons is a zombie apocalypse waiting to happen.  The village needs to burn it to the ground, not offer it up to its undead for adoption.”

According to documents provided by sources within the Department of Paranormal Affairs, Trustee Michael Carpanzano started the program to dispel “negative attitudes towards Bolingbrook’s undead residents.”  Most of the documents include pro-zombie talking points:

“Do not use the word Zombie.  Instead, refer to them as Undead Residents.  Then point out that living residents are also not dead, therefore everyone is undead.  Then we’ll point out that our undead residents don’t speak out against (Mayor Roger Claar).  That means they’re true residents– Unlike the members of Bolingbrook United, who are foes, not real Bolingbrook residents.”

According to sources, the money from the program will go to the owners of Bolingbrook Commons.  It will allow them to keep the mall open.

“It’s not the best place in Bolingbrook,” said Jill, an employee of the Department of Paranormal Affairs.  “But unlike rusting cars, we have no problem offering our undead residents a place to wander around peacefully.  I’m tired of all the people who say we should tear down Bolingbrook Commons.  We’re all going to die eventually, and I’d rather be a zombie in Bolingbrook Commons than be buried in the ground.”

Parker says the Art Bell Party has always supported the removal of zombies from Bolingbrook:

“Even if they don’t eat people, they shouldn’t be here.  When you die, you’re supposed to leave your body behind as fertilizer.  You’re not supposed to linger as your body rots.  It’s unsightly and gives Bolingbrook a bad name.  We shouldn’t be known as a village of the dead.  We should be known as a living, thriving village.  Elect our party, and we will bring new life to Bolingbrook.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy, and couldn’t be disturbed.  

In the background, a person who sounded like Claar, said: “Now that I’ve improved our credit rating, will you cancel your chili dinner fundraiser and dissolve Bolingbrook United?”

A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz replied: “No way.  You got us into this mess in the first place.  Plus, there are residents who want garbage toters and cannabis stores.   They deserve a voice in village government too. I’m going to be that voice, Roger.”

“I know you will, but I wish you wouldn’t, Obarzanek.”

“Jaskiewicz.”

“Close enough.”

Also in the Babbler:

Russia to launch snow attack on Halloween
Village attorney denies plans to file charges against ‘foes’ of Bolingbrook
Trump denies knowing Mayor Claar
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/31/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.