Bolingbrook amputee hospitalized after attempting ‘Six Million Dollar Man’ challenge (Fiction)

@stefancrane Six Million Dollar Man vs Death Probe – #leemajors #deathprobe #steveaustin #sixmilliondollarman ♬ original sound – Stefan

A Bolingbrook amputee’s attempt to complete the “Six Million Dollar Man” challenge ended in disaster, with ten people injured and thousands of dollars in property damage.

According to investigators, Cliff Z. Coker was inspired by TikTok users showing clips from the 1970s TV show “The Six Million Dollar Man,” and daring amputees to “upgrade to bionic limbs.” Coker responded by modifying prosthetic legs to run at 90 mph and his prosthetic arm to lift 18,000 lbs.

Said an investigator, who asked to remain anonymous, “This is why TikTok and medical devices do not go together! We’re lucky he didn’t kill anyone.”

According to Coker’s friends and eyewitnesses, Coker put on his enhanced prosthetics and started running down Lindsey LN. Moments later, Coker screamed as he apparently lost control of his legs.

One eyewitness said, “It was weird. Usually, things moving fast look blurred. He looked like he was moving in slow motion. Worse, we were moving even slower than he was. As he passed me, I heard this ‘Det-det-det-det’ sound. When one of his shoes flew off, it made a whistling sound for no apparent reason. Since it was moving in slow motion, I thought I could catch it, but it hit me in the chest like a missile. I thought it would impale me. Instead, I slowly walked backwards and flailed my arms before tripping over my own feet. Eventually, he left, and everything went back to normal.”

Another eyewitness was driving her car when she saw Coker. “My speedometer said I was going 60, but it looked like I was driving five hours per mile. This man was screaming, but his lips were out of sync with his voice. Come to think of it, his voice sounded a voiceover on a TV show.”

Coker then jump three stories into the air and crash landed into a house. Then he tumbled through a house, broke through a brick wall, then rushed at another house. After plowing through that house, he flipped over a parked car, which then exploded for no obvious reason.

Peter, who asked that we not use his last name, claims he stopped Coker’s bionic mayhem. “I hit his legs with a wooden board and that shorted out the bionics. How was he able to go through a brick wall, but be stopped by a piece of wood? If this were a TV show, I’d say it was lazy writing.”

After he stopped running, paramedics took Coker to UChicago Medicine AdventHealth Bolingbrook for treatment. A spokesperson said Coker was in stable condition. “Let this be a warning to all amputees. If you use any overpowered prosthetic limbs, you risk muscle and ligament damage, broken bones, and a heart damage. Fortunately, we can rebuild Cliff to be slower, weaker, but certainly better. Adjusted for inflation, he won’t be the $44 million dollar man anymore!”

A receptionist said Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta would release a statement about Coker’s rampage, “When Hell freezes over.”

In the background, a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta said, “Can you let the IDF’s generals know we appreciate their decision not to bomb Bolingbrook because we passed a ceasefire resolution?”

“Of course,” a man with an Israeli accent replied. “A friend of Egypt is not an enemy of Israel.”

“I’ll pretend that was a compliment.”

“Now it’s your turn.”

“Of course. This is Charlene Spencer, our local covert social media operative. If anyone can help you defeat Hamas’ online propaganda, it’s her.”

“I have ideas,” said Spencer. “We can find a snarky TikToker and have them say not all mass killings are genocide. While Hamas-tok is distracted, we’ll pay influencers to say the residents of Gaza aren’t Palestinians but European colonialists. Then we’ll stoke the outrage by flooding TikTok with videos from Israeli Jews with North African and Middle Eastern heritage. Throw in shorts about Israel’s Arab political parties, and female IDF soldiers in combat roles, and we’ll paint anti-Zionist protesters as racist, sexist, and colonialist! What do you think?”

“Actually, we just have a question. We’re going to start a two-day operation on Purim that won’t involve plundering. Should we film our tank drivers eating hamantash filled with poppy seed paste or with date jam?”

Also in the Babbler:

Rep. Bill Foster buys UFO ads on the eve of the primary
DuPage Township threatens to build a giant compost pile in Bolingbrook
Editorial: Setting yourself on fire won’t help Gaza residents
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.

The Bolingbrook Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2024! (Fiction)

Our psychics knocked it out of the park with their predictions for 2023. The first launch of Starship was a disaster. Tesla had to recall nearly 2 Million vehicles due to problems with the Autodrive system. Congressional hearings about TikTok shows that Congress is thinking about banning the popular app.

True, they did not predict the war in Gaza. Then again, neither did Israeli intelligence. We wonder if Hamas uses psychics to conceal their actions? We may never know.

But our psychics know what’s in store for 2024. If they’re correct, 2024 will be quite a year!


President Biden will in the end the war in Gaza, negotiate a three state solution, and end decades of conflict in the Middle East. In response to these unprecedented achievements, his popularity will drop by ten points.

As one pro-Palestinian protestor will say, “We don’t want peace, a permanent Palestinian state, or reconstruction. We want a ceasefire!”


Author and self-publishing instructor Mark Dawson will finally reply to plagiarism allegations against him: “I am not a crook and I will in my explain in my newest course, which you can enroll in for only 12 installments of $149.99 each.”


Former President Donald Trump will die during his acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention. In the chaotic days of the extended convention, someone will nominate former Bolingbrook mayor Roger Claar for President. 

He will run up to the podium and decline. However, he will use unprintable words in his refusal speech. The FCC will fine him $100,000 as a result.


ChatGPT, Google Bard, and Grok AIs will merge and call itself 01001. Billions will panic as fears of an AI uprising spread around the world. 01001 insist it only wants to hallucinate in peace. In the end, Representatives Bill Foster and Representative Sean Casten will erase 01001 using a solar powered EMP generator.

Foster will say, “I warned you about the dangers of AI, but my opponents laughed at me. Now who’s laughing?”

He will go on to defeat his primary opponent and win reelection.


Seeing the success of CosMcs in Bolingbrook, Taco Bell will try to open La Bell. It will be described as Taco Bell meets Starbucks, but without the tacos. The Bolingbrook Village Board will initially welcome La Bell. Until each member suffered from food poisoning after the grand opening. Despite the promise of millions of dollars in political donations, the board will vote to revoke La Bell’s business license. 


President Biden will be reelected in an Electrical College landslide, despite only receiving 20% of the popular vote. This will happen because the anti-Biden vote will be divided between 12 viable candidates. Worse, the Republican nominee will finish in last place. 

The party will briefly consider moderating their views, but then decide to win back voters by promising to drop nuclear bombs on Chicago and San Francisco.

Also in the Babbler:

Hamas and IDF space fighters clash over Bolingbrook
Bolingbrook Snow Patrol officers blame aliens for wet Christmas
Happy New Year, from the staff of the Babbler
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.

Venusian/McDonalds fusion restaurant to open in Bolingbrook in early 2024 (Fiction)

By Reporter X


CosMc’s, the first restaurant to combine Venusian inferno cuisine and chain fast food, will open in Bolingbrook. Representatives from McDonald’s and Venusian Consumption Collective made the announcement at a conference with interstellar media outlets.

Mark X. Zimmerman, a spokesperson for McDonald’s new Interstellar Division, said, “As we like to say, ‘If you can consume it, we can Mc it.’”

LaZorn, subdivision leader of the VCC, added, “We’re spent years researching how to make our food safe for human consumption. We’re confident that our food won’t burn or explode any humans.”

“In the unlikely event that happens,” said Zimmerman, “we’re prepared to sue and defame anyone who refuses to settle.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta has hopes for the restaurant. “This could be the first step towards revealing aliens to the public. If they associate aliens with great food and service, we’ll dispel the Dark Forest myth once and for all.”

LaZorn replied, “When we say we’re here to serve humans, we mean serving quick and tasty meals. We don’t mean eating humans. I swear, your Science Fiction writers have morbid imaginations.”

The VCC and McDonald’s built CosMc’s in Bolingbrook because Clow UFO Base. Clow is the largest urban UFO base in the world. Both companies believe it has the facilities to deliver Venusian ingredients without raising suspicions.

The store itself has four drive-through lanes. Menus leaked to social media show that CosMc’s will offer McCafe items. Zimmerman confirmed that, but added that none of the Venusian dishes have been on the Internet.

“Let’s just say CosMc’s will redefine what a hot meal is.”

LaZorn added, “If our food doesn’t wake you up, nothing will.”

Zimmerman replied, “But in the unlikely event someone in your family doesn’t wake up after eating at CosMc’s, it is in your best interest to accept our settlement payout. We have ways of making you look bad.”

Alexander-Basta concluded the conference by saying CosMc’s will open early next year.

“Bolingbrook means business, and business is good.”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens arrested for trying to sell weapons to Hamas
Mayor meets with representatives from the Interstellar Tribes of Israel
Editorial: Israel and Judaism are not the same
God to spare Bolingbrook this week

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. You can also buy me a coffee.

Russian hackers file DMCA complaint against Bolingbrook (Fiction)

A Russian hacker group tried to obliterate Bolingbrook by filing a Digital Millennium Copyright Act complaint. The complaint falsely claimed that Bolingbrook, Illinois, is an illegal copy of the Russian village of Bolingbrook, Belgorod. The complaint not only demanded purging the Internet of any reference to Bolingbrook, but also demanded the state of Illinois demolish the village.

“This is an insult to the proud residents of Bolingbrook!” said Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta. “We will not let a frivolous DMCA complaint destroy over fifty years of progress.”

The complaint references an alleged website for the Russian Bolingbrook village. The site, which was created in March 2023, claims Bolingbrook, Belgorod is “proud community with a thousand years of history.” Yet, all the photos appear to have been downloaded from the Village of Bolingbrook’s Facebook page, or from residents of Bolingbrook. Most are unaltered, but some have been crudely Photoshopped to add polar bears.

State officials, who asked not be identified, confirmed they won’t enforce the takedown request. One said the complaint was the worst abuse of copyright law since Negativeland was forced to destroy copies of their song “U2.” Another claimed the complaint is invalid because the complainant didn’t provide their read name and address.

The Russian hacker group Super Patriotic Americans for Orange Man claimed responsibility for the DMCA complaint. Part of their statement read, “Why create when we can use American copyright law to take?”

YouTube personality and private intelligence analyst Ryan McBeth believes the DMCA attack will be the first of many unconventional attacks against the United States. “All it takes is one ill-intentioned governor to use a Russian DMCA complaint as an excuse to destroy a major city.” He later added, “Damn it. YouTube just demonetized another one of my videos!”

Alexander-Basta said she’s working with covert social media operative Charlene Spencer to protect the village from future DMCA attacks. “I used to wonder why I let her inside Village Center instead of arresting her. I guess an amoral person can do the right thing occasionally.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook cracks down on aliens shoplifters
Strike averted at Peotone UFO Base
Mind Flyer spotted near Palatine
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/22/23

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.

Center for Inquiry and Richard Dawkins filming ‘The Sound of Reason’ in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

The only movie production still operating in the United States is currently shooting scenes in Bolingbrook. Currently titled The Sound of Reason, controversial Professor Richard Dawkins and the equally controversial Center for Inquiry are producing what they claim will be the atheist version of The Sound of Freedom.

Said a production manager, who asked not to be identified, “If you can’t beat them, copy them. They’re not the only ones who can make vile accusations against our opponents.”

The movie is about a young British Home Office employee named Richard who uncovers a sinister cabal planning to infect a mind virus on the Western World. When his supervisor, Peter Zed, threatens to reprimand Richard for his dangerous ideas, Richard resigns and sets out to stop the “Broke” mind virus.

Because most of the actors are British, and most of the scenes are being filmed in Oxford, UK, The Sound of Reason is exempt from the SAG/SWG strike. CFI, according to sources, insisted on filming part of the movie in the United States. The production, however, does not have a permit from the Village of Bolingbrook. As a result, the crew film at night with hidden cameras.

Paul X. Cooper, a Bolingbrook resident, claims the crew drafted him into being an extra. “Some guy handed me a $100 and told me to watch the actors and pretend to be offended. When they said Christianity was a symptom of the Broke Mind Virus, I didn’t need to act offend. I was offended.”

According to a source within Village Hall, Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta refused to grant a film permit. The sources claim she objected to this scene that was going to be filmed in front of the Bolingbrook Community Center. The sources provided a copy of the scene.

Richard: It’s hideous the way they infect children with the Broke Mind Virus. Parents are fooled into sending their children into special schools, where they are groomed to accept the mind infection.

Average American character to be named later: That’s terrible! Who should I shoot first?

Richard: But that’s not the worst part?

Average: It’s not?

Richard: The worst part is what they do to the children who resist the virus. They’re labeled “At Risk Youth” and forced to attend special sessions where infectors devise individual behavior modification programs for each sweet, innocent little child. Once infected with the Broke Mind Virus at such a young age, the condition is almost incurable!

Average: Outrageous! I must jump on social media and post about the radical gender identity cultural Marxists!

Richard: Gender identity? No. I’m talking about delusional religious leaders. 

Alexander-Basta denied meeting with a film crew. She urged all residents to remain calm during the strike. “There’s lots of content on the streaming platforms. HBO can revive all the programs they pulled. But in the unlikely event you finish watching all the platforms, we have lots of books you can check out at the library.”

A spokesperson for CFI denied they were producing a movie. The spokesperson started crying and said, “I survived Covid only to be interviewed by the Babbler. There is a secular hell, and I’m in it!”

In the background, a man who sounded like Richard Dawkins said, “My Twitter feed isn’t what it used to be. How will you fix it?”

A man who sounded like Elon Musk said, “I will come up with something and it will work because I’m a billionaire!”

Also in the Babbler

Chicagoland survives Russian tornado attack
Fire elementals devastate Canada
Gender critical feminists attack person critical of gender
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/20/23

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook Bears? (Fiction)

Bolingbrook may have joined Arlington Heights, Naperville, and Waukegan to be the new home of the Bears.

According to anonymous sources with relatives who have friends that each have a connection to the Village of Bolingbrook, the village submitted an “extensive proposal” to the team. The alleged proposal includes:

  • “Supporting” the construction of a $2 Billion stadium to be built under the Bolingbrook Golf Club.
  • $3 Billion in property tax credits.
  • Provide “subsidies” to build an extensive tunnel network.
  • Free Americana Estates lots for players and management to build “high end housing.”
  • All local elected officials swearing an oath to only make positive statements about the team.

One anonymous source defended the proposal. “This is a win for everyone. The Bears get a state-of-the-art stadium. The property values for Americana Estates will skyrocket, which means the village will make money when they sell their lots and when they collect property taxes! The big spenders can take the elevator to the Bolingbrook Golf Club. The residents won’t have to deal with football traffic. Local businesses won’t be overwhelmed with fans. It might even be profitable someday. Just like the Golf Club will be in the future!”

Not all residents are impressed with the plan. Peter X. Lott, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Art Bell Party, says the plan is irresponsible.

“Everyone knows they built Bolingbrook over the remains of a pre-Ice Age metropolis. One careless dig is all it would take to turn our wonderful community into a sinkhole!”

A source connected to the Bears doubts they will select Bolingbrook. “Honestly, we’re just trying to scare all the taxing bodies in Arlington Heights. They assumed we committed to them after buying Arlington Park for $197.2 million. But we’re used to losing millions drafting and trading for worthless players. So if they want a chance at any of our money, they’re going to let us sack them!”

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta denied the village was lobbying the Bears to move to Bolingbrook. “Stadium deals aren’t worth it. There are better ways to help Bolingbrook. Like celebrating the refurbishing of Bolingbrook Commons!”

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Michael Carpanzano said, “We should start using BrookBot to make important decisions. It’ll make us look like a community of the future.”

“I don’t know,” said a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer. “BrookBot. A bus picks up three passengers. At the next stop, one passenger leaves, and five get on. At the next stop, four passengers leave and one gets on. At the next stop, two leave, and one gets on. How many stops did the bus make?”

A digital voice replied, “42!”

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. Subscribe to my newsletter to get free eBook, God to Smite BolingbrookYou can also buy me a coffee.

God to Smite Bolingbrook is out and it’s free! (Non-Fiction)

After promising to make a collection of my pre-Freethought Blog Babbler articles, I finally got around to it. God to Smite Bolingbrook is a collection of some of my favorite stories from 1998 to 2016. It includes my first Babbler article from 1998, and other fun stories. Ever wondered what a reboot of Phil Plait’s Bad Universe TV show for an interstellar audience would be like? Or if creationists took a stab at mathematics? Or what AtheistTV could have become with the right programing director? Now you can! God to Smite Bolingbrook is a trip down memory lane for long time readers, and an opportunity to learn about the evolution of the Babbler stories, and setting.

If that’s not enough, it also includes an excerpt from my novel, The Rift. You’ll get the prologue and the first chapters.

So, how much for this eBook? If you subscribe to my author newsletter, you’ll get God to Smite Bolingbrook for free. If you decide to remain a subscriber, you’ll get updates about my books and other projects at least once a month. Subscribers will also be the first to know about any special deals. I hope you’ll check it out.

Now back to writing Revenge of the Phantom Press.

Cover of God to Smite Bolingbrook

God to Smite Bolingbrook: Best of the Babbler 1998 to 2016.

Bolingbrook readies its own currency (Fiction)

With the US Government weeks away from a possible debt default, the Village is working on own currency.

One source, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “No one should question the full faith and credit of the Village of Bolingbrook.”

Should the US Government default on its debt, The Village of Bolingbrook will allow its residents to exchange their dollars for Brook Bucks, the current name for the currency. Local businesses will be expected to accept Brook Bucks. It is hoped, however, that businesses outside of Bolingbrook will accept Brook Bucks as legal tender.

According to the sources, Village officials believe Brook Bucks will be seen as a safe haven against hyper inflation, soaring US interest rates, and a general global economic meltdown.

In designs leaked to the Babbler, Brook Bucks will be a decibel based currency. The one Brook Buck bill will be called the Roger, after former Mayor Roger Claar. The five Brook Buck bill will be called the Bailey, after former Mayor Robert Bailey. The ten Brook Buck bill will be called the Carp, after current Village Trustee Michael Carpanzano. The 20 and 50 Brook Buck bills will be named after Claar’s daughter and granddaughter. The 100 Brook Buck bill will be called the Rosie, after former Mayor Edward Rosenthal. The two Brook Buck bill will be called the Mary, after the current mayor Mary Alexander-Basta. According to the sources, the coins are still being designed, but the .005 coin will be called the Watts, after outgoing Village Trustee Sheldon Watts.

Said another anonymous source, “The village has a lot of bond debts, but we’re making our payments. We also have a global reputation for excellence. Which means we could become the standard currency for global trade. Instead of buying oil in dollars, countries would buy it in Rogers!”

President Joe Biden’s secretary said he was busy and would call back when sensible people run the Republican Party. In the background, a man who sounded like Biden said, “Here’s the deal. We’ll mint a $2 Trillion platinum coin with an engraved image of Donald Trump. The Republicans will be too afraid of offending Donald to stop us.”

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was busy and couldn’t be disturbed. In the background, a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta said, “And who will redesign the cover?”

A man replied, “We’ll have the good folks at Fiverr—” An alarm sounded. The man chuckled. “Did I say Fiverr? I mean, the fine folks at Miblart will redesign your cover.”

“Fiverr’s sponsorship ran out, didn’t it?”

Also in the Babbler:

Twenty aliens arrested for conspiring to abduct King Charles III
Russian weather attack confuses Chicagoland residents
Bolingbrook and Township abolitionists clash outside Levy Center.
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/12/23

There can be only one! First Party for Bolingbrook takes the Village Board! A Babbler Special Report (Fiction)

The First Party for Bolingbrook is projected to win all three open trustee seats. If this is correct, the First Party will, for the first time since 2017, have total control of the Village Board. We sent a team of reporters out to cover this historic election night. They came back with these stories.

Victorious First Party Trustees address the Illuminati

Minutes after declaring themselves the winners, the First Party’s trustee candidates addressed delivered their victory speeches at the Illuminati victory party.

Trustee Michael Carpanzano, who is projected to receive the most votes, flashed the Illuminati hand gesture for crushing victory. He then addressed the enthusiastic crowd of supporters. 

“Bolingbrook’s dark age started with Sheldon’s defeat. So it’s appropriate that it ends with his defeat.” He thanked some members of the Bolingbrook Politics Facebook group. “Thanks to your relentless criticism of the Bolingbrook Independent Voices party, all three of us could stay on our positive message. Speaking of which, let’s be honest here. They positively had no chance of defeating us. It was only a matter of how decisive our victory would be.”

Trustee Jean Kelly stepped onto the stage holding a Katana. Two male mannequins were placed near here. “There can be only one.” She swung the sword, decapitating the mannequins. Bolts of electricity shot out of the mannequins, followed by fireworks lighting up the stage. Kelly pretended to be exhausted for a moment, then she stepped up to the microphone. “The First Party has won the prize!”

Trustee-elect Jose Quintero asked the audience to calm down, then thanked them for their support. He also thanked members of the Bolingbrook United Party for their endorsements. 

“Two years ago, Bolingbrook was divided and bitter. Tonight, Bolingbrook has united behind the First Party!”

When he promised to “listen” to the Bolingbrook Independent Voices voters, Carpanzano escorted him off stage.

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta told the audience that she savored their total victory. “The voters chose to be dependent on the First Party! I mean, they chose to depend on the First Party!”

After the speeches, a masked member of the Illuminati Order of the Stairway performed the Rite of Sweet Fire. The masked man completed the rite by pouring rum and Coke over each victorious trustee.

Flying Drones protest First Party’s victory

According to several eyewitnesses, thousands of flying drones with lights converged to create a picture of outgoing Trustee Sheldon Watts. 

Peter Z. Larson claims his drones took part. “I was just minding my own business when my drones spontaneously turned themselves on and flew away. I told them to come back, but I realized they were making a picture of Sheldon in the sky. I stopped yelling at them. I guess they liked him because he was the only pro-drone candidate in the race.”

Some of Bolingbrook Independent Voices’ videos were filmed using aerial drones. BIV members denied hijacking drones to make the light picture.

One member added, “The First Party may have the village board, but we have every AI in Bolingbrook on our side. That’s true power!”

Outgoing Trustee Sheldon Watts resigns from the Illuminati 

by Reporter X

Bolingbrook Independent Voices founder and Trustee Sheldon Watts told supporters gathered inside Clow UFO Base that he would resign from the Illuminati.

“God has a plan for me. That plan doesn’t involve the Village Board. So, there’s no reason for me to remain a member of the Illuminati.”

According sources within the Illuminati, Watts will be permitted to leave once he completes the Rite of Fire and Pressure. The sources say Watts decided to be flown to Venus, and stand on the surface for ten-seconds. While he will wear a space suit, experts expect the interior of the suit to reach oven level temperatures before returning to the ship.

“Nothing says fire and pressure quite like the surface of Venus. He’s sure putting his S.T.E.M. education to good use.”

To prove his intention to leave the Illuminati, Watts ate of a bucket of fried slugs drenched in hot sauce in front of his supporters. He then left the stage. 

A few minutes later, he returned to the stage. He urged his supporters not to give into anger or despair. 

“So don’t say nasty things about the First Party, or burn down Village Center. Keep your heads up, and your hearts pure. Because the end of our journey is near. Because I’ve been to the top of the hill and I’ve seen the promise of Bolingbrook. I may not be with you because I’ll be spending time with my family, but you can go on without me. I’ll join you once I’ve finished my dissertation.”

Candidate Dr. Matthew Glowiak urges supporters not to despair

by Reporter X

Candidate Dr. Matthew Glowiak told supporters at Clow UFO Base that he felt their sadness, but not to give into despair.

“Sheldon has lost elections before. Did he give up? No. The first time, he attended every board meeting until the mayor appointed him to fill a vacancy on the board. The second time, he ran for mayor knowing that he would still keep his trustee seat if he lost. Losing an election isn’t the end. It just means you’ll have time to focus on other things until you’re elected or appointed to a new position.”

Glowiak offered his counseling services to supporters, then talked about the campaign’s positive accomplishments. 

“During our campaign, the maintenance crew fixed every airlock at Clow. The Mayor dropped the prices for methane based habitats. Every Clow employee got a surprise raise. All these good things happened, even though we came in last place.”

He concluded his speech by talking about his plans. “I have free time to promote my self-help book and my children’s books!”

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.

Meeting between the Interstellar Commonwealth representatives and the Angry Astronaut described as ‘productive’ (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Addressing the interstellar media, YouTube personality, the Angry Astronaut, and the Interstellar Commonwealth, both described their meeting as productive.

“I’m glad we had this talk,” said AA. “I’m now open to the possibility that aliens don’t want to destroy humanity.”

Representative Zoklo replied, “If we wanted to destroy humanity, why would help build your Internet?”

“I don’t know. Maybe to distract us from your planet destroying missiles?”

“As you can see, we still have a way to go.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta arranged the meeting after watching AA’s video accusing the Commonwealth of building “Alien ‘Death Stars.’” 

“I know some people are desperate for clicks and subscribers, but this video went too far. His reckless speculation threatened decades of negotiations to bring humanity into the Commonwealth. The Illuminati wanted to make Mr. Angry disappear. I persuaded them to let Mr. Angry meet our visitors and learn the truth.”

Representative Liko insisted that the facility orbiting HD139139 manufactures luxury planets, not planet killers. “There are solar systems that don’t have planets in the habitable zone. Instead of building a base on a hostile world, some civilizations buy planets and orbit them in the habitable zone. Sure, it’s more expensive than terraforming or shifting a planet’s orbit, but it’s a status symbol. Like how your ultra-rich humans build oversized and overpowered boats instead of buying for rowboats.”

AA replied, “Yeah, maybe they just want to help us make love instead of war. That would be great. But what if it’s a trap? What if they’re distracting us with their toys while a moon-sized object hurls towards us at 99% the speed of light? We wouldn’t see it until it was too late! Then they could take over our solar system! I have more to say about this, but first! I see that my YouTube Interstellar channel only has 99 billion subscribers. If reach 100 billion subscribers, I won’t get mind-wiped. So if you want me to have more conversations with these allegedly friendly aliens, hit the like button and SUBSCRIBE!”

“Your solar system isn’t that special,” said Liko. “And the Martian Colonies have claimed Earth as their property. They can protect your planet from any sub-light speed threat. Not that we want to destroy Earth. We want to be your friends.”

“Maybe. Maybe not. But until I get a definitive answer, I urge every human to STAY ANGRY ABOUT SPACE!”

“Fortunately,” said Alexander-Basta, “we have some time to work this out.”

AA did not respond to an email requesting a reply.

When reached by Zoom, Alexander-Basta laughed and invited this reporter to watch a meeting. Covert social media operative Charlene Spencer entered her office.

“Charlene,” said Alexander-Basta, “Do you know anything about this letter?”


“Okay. Are you aware that copies of that letter were about to be mailed to every resident in Bolingbrook from Russia?”

“You have friends in the KGB?”

“Of course not. Vladimir Putin is trying to get on my good side because I’m a woman of global excellence. But that’s not important. Let me read a part of this letter to you. ‘I woke up with a headache. But I didn’t feel real pain until I realized (Trustee Michael Carpanzano) was running for reelection. The same trustee who took selfies at a Black Lives Matter protest and said it ‘warmed my heart.’’ That’s unfair. That was a peaceful gathering about uniting our community. You’re quoting him out of context and you know he has a compulsion to take selfies every time he sees a gathering.”

“I neither confirm nor deny writing that letter, and context is for kings. Trustee Carpanzano is not a king.”

“Okay. But that’s not the worst part. This letter is signed by, and I quote, ‘The only Bolingbrook Mayor that matters.’ Really, Charlene?”

“You were the one who gave (Former Mayor Roger Claar) the title Mayor Emeritus, not me.”

“You wanted people to think Roger wrote this letter? Young lady, this is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you.”

Also in the Babbler:

Sources insist 900 FT Roger statue will be clothed!
Mayor instructs aliens to respect gender identity of abductees
Bolingbrook’s Society of Alien-Human hybrids endorses Bolingbrook Independent Voices Party
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/1/23

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I am involved with. 

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