Bolingbrook United closes Clow UFO Base office before disbanding (Fiction)

The logo of the now disbanded Bolingbrook United Party.

By Reporter X

In its final act, the Bolingbrook United Party closed its office at Clow UFO. Bolingbrook United’s final statement to the interstellar media praised their volunteers and apologized to their fans across the galaxy. Part of the statement read: “When we united against Trump-loving dictator (former Mayor Roger Claar), we started a new chapter in Bolingbrook’s history. Now we must end our chapter, and others must write the next chapter.”

Staffers found out about the closing when former Village Trustee candidate Jose Quintero addressed the staff in person. “I have bad news and good news,” he said. “The bad news is our merger talks with Bolingbrook Independent Voices broke down. The good news is that I will be one of the First Party for Bolingbrook’s trustee candidates. Who’s joining me?”

An unidentified staffer kicked her wastebasket, then started crying as she dropped to the floor. “You sold out to Roger and betrayed (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere)!”

Quintero denied he was selling out by running with Claar’s former political party. He insisted the party had changed since Claar resigned. As proof, he said in the last quarter, Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta donated more money to the First Party than Claar. He added, “Look at Bolingbrook today. Roger is no longer the mayor. We have garbage toters. Bolingbrook now has two village managers. We’re going to have a cannabis dispensary, and Bolingbrook Commons is getting a long overdue makeover. Think about it. Most of our candidates lost, but, in the end, we got what we wanted!” Quintero later added, “At this rate, Jackie will be on the First Party ticket in 2025, and all those Facebook trolls will suddenly love her.”

A representative from BIV arrived and offered job interviews for positions at their interstellar consulate. All but one former staffer, Joel, accepted the interview offer.

Joel, who asked not to have his last name published, said he wanted to help Quintero reform the First Party. “I did as much as I could as a member of Bolingbrook United. Now that I’m a member of the First Party, I’ll work hard to make it a pro-democracy and anti-fascist political party. I dream of the day Trump demands Roger denounce the First Party because it’s too woke.”

Patricia Z. Baker says she hopes she’s hired by BIV: “If (Trustee Sheldon Watts) won’t join the First Party, neither will I. Besides, BIV is cooler abbreviation than FPB. Doesn’t FPB sound like someone spitting?”

Traynere denied ordering the closure of the Bolingbrook United office. She added she would help the staffers get new jobs, and that it was time for her to move forward. “As the administrator of the DuPage Township, I’m proud that the Edgar County Watchdogs haven’t posted about us for over a year.”

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was out of town.

In the background, a man who sounded like Watts said, “Oh no. Let me do the talking.”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said, “Hey. I can’t wait to meet the BIV ticket.”

“Charlene, this is Matthew, my fellow running mate for village trustee.”

“Hi, I have a book!” said the man who sounded like Dr. Matthew Glowiak. 

“Who doesn’t?” After a long pause, she asked. “And?”

“And?” asked the man who sounded like Watts.

“Where’s the other candidate? There are three trustee seats up for election next year. Surely, you recruited a third trustee candidate. Right?”

“I only need one running mate.”

“Dude! That means you’re guaranteeing the First Party a four seat majority on the board, and that’s assuming both of you win. Did you even ask Inez, Meraj, Patti, or Faith to run this year?”

“None of your business. Besides, I don’t believe in power games. I believing in working together to serve Bolingbrook.”

“Dream on, Sheldon. If you win reelection, you’re going to get Jaskiewiczed.”

“Don’t take Bob’s name in vain. Besides, why don’t you do something positive for a change?”

“I am, but it’s taking a while. You don’t realize how many strings I’m pulling just to get Bel Biv DeVoe to consider performing at your first campaign event?”

“You’re not serious. BBD?”

“Yeah! I’ve even asked them to change the lyrics to Poison, so it’s about Mayor Mary—”


“Excuse me,” said the man who sounded like Glowiak. “Why are you letting her work for us?”

“Because it’s better than having her work against us.”

Also in the Babbler:

Trump to have dinner with Satan at the Bolingbrook Golf Club
Clow security arrest alien crew for flying too close to Artemis I
Pathways to Bolingbrook and The Rift books are Amazon’s highest ranked books featuring Bolingbrook.
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/2/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

I am also the author of The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter. Pathways to Bolingbrook, and The Rift are available at Amazon and elsewhere. You can support my work by buying one of my books.

We Get Letters — Democracy is on the ballot. Again (Fiction)

The Bolingbrook Babbler's Decision 2022 Special Report

Will 2022 be Bolingbrook’s last free election?

By Doug Fields

Reader’s Editor

Somehow, we are once again facing the most important election of our lives. Do we value low gas prices more than our democratic republic? Based on our letters, it’s going to be a close race.

First, let me point out that we received too many letters like this:

To the editor:

Inflation is out of control. Every night, Fox News shows our cities on fire. People who aren’t like me exist! Our country is moving in the wrong direction!

Meanwhile (Democrat Party candidate), supports the Green New Deal, defunding the police, high prices, and persecuting President Trump!

I’m voting for (Republican Party candidate) because the only way we’re going to beat inflation is to investigate Hunter Biden, impeach President Biden, build Trump’s Wall, and make fake Americans suffer!

(Insert Name here)
(Insert City)

And like this:

To the editor:

I hate President Biden, but I love (Democratic candidate). (Pronoun) brought jobs to our district and (Pronoun) will support your right to choose. (Pronoun) voted to fund our police departments. (Pronoun) believes elections count! (Pronoun) supports Israel!

Did I mention (Democratic candidate) voted to fund the police and is 100% pro-choice?

Vote for (Democratic candidate) if you worked hard for your Social Security and Medicare benefits!

(Insert name here)
(Insert City)

You’re not an average Patch reader. You’re a Babbler reader. Show it in your letters! Like this reader did:

To the editor:

State Representative Chris Bos says he’s tough on crime, but he supports criminals buying their way out of jail! Did it not occur to him that international drug cartels, gangs, human trafficking rings, and rich parents can afford to buy their freedom? Maybe they’re Bos’ Bosses?

That’s why I’m supporting Palatine native Nabeela Syed. She has the courage to stand up to the rich criminals of Cook County. She also believes in sensible law enforcement. Supporting the right to choose means our overworked police departments won’t be burdened with investigating miscarriages or questioning residents about their period tracker reports.

Bos’ whining won’t solve our problems. We need someone who will make non-alcoholic wine! Vote Syed!

Stephanie Zimmerman
Palatine, IL

Illinois Democratic Party, hire her to handle your messaging!

We think somebody sent this letter out a bit early.

To the Editor:

Thanks to the Cook County Democrats, Will County Clark Lauren Staley Ferry has stolen Antonio Timothee’s seat on the Will County Board! We need to find the ___ she stole before it’s too late!

Timothee and I are going to visit every home and ask who they voted for. We’ll be armed and willing to shoot any Antifa terrorist who tries to stop us. 

Your publication needs to stop posting fake news, and start reporting the real news about the steal! If you don’t, we’ll hold a legitimate protest in your newsroom!

Joe Z. Newman
Bolingbrook, IL

We wonder what will happen if he wins this allegedly rigged election.

Finally, let’s end with an upbeat letter.

To the Editor:

I’m tired of all the mean people running for office. That’s why I’m voting for Elnalyn Costa for Will County Board. She’s nice! It’s nice to see that I can vote for her. So be nice and vote for Costa!

Ellen X. Coats

Bolingbrook, IL

All we can add is to vote on Tuesday like it will be the last time your vote will count!

Also in the Babbler:

Off-world ballots are secure and safe says Interstellar Commonwealth
Russian wind attack falters
Only space aliens with US Citizenship allowed to vote
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/9/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

DuPage Township ‘repossesses’ air generator from Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

A team of contractors hired by DuPage Township secretly removed an air generator from Clow UFO Base, thus escalating tensions between the township and the Village of Bolingbrook.

Township Supervisor Gary Marschke praised the actions of the “repossession team,” during a conference call with interstellar media outlets. Marschke claims that a previous township board bought the generator from the Village of Bolingbrook without soliciting bids. He added the Township has been paying to power and maintain the generator for years.

“The Village of Bolingbrook enjoyed free, fresh air in their pavilion at our expense! I guess the previous board was too busy suing each other to notice.”

According to Marschke, the Township sent a moving crew to remove the generator, but Clow security chased them away. Marschke said he had no choice to but hire a repossession crew to remove it.

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta later read a short statement to the media disputing Marschke’s allegations:

“That generator was a gift from the Township to the Village. That means we use it and they pay for it. Make no mistake: Stealing our air generator is the second outrageous act by the township this year. The first was when (Township Administrator) Jackie Traynere took a vacation!”

Clow employees, who wished to remain anonymous, stated they believe a team of acrobats, actors, hackers, and street racers stole the generator from the Claar Cultural Pavilion. They also confirmed that the team didn’t use any explosives or weapons during the repossession/heist.

“They were really good,” said an anonymous security official. “I kept my eyes on the screens and they still snuck it out of Clow. Well, maybe I did take my eyes off the screen when an attractive person asked me what time it was. Who asks for the time when you can just look at your phone?”

The anonymous employees also confirmed they attempted to install an older generator in the Pavilion, but it exploded once it was turned on. The blast harmed no one.

Marschke said the Township sold the generator to the Venusian government for a profit, and intended to use the credits to fund programs to help alien youths and seniors.

“Maybe the mayor can ask (Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar) to use his interstellar campaign fund to buy a new generator.”

Claar’s personal assistant said he was negotiating with a printer to publish his self-help book Quit While You’re Ahead, and Don’t be Quiet About It.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar yelled: “I know you’re locked inside this building. I’ve been calling and emailing you guys for two months! No one answers me. That’s unacceptable. Don’t you know who I am? I’m the Mayor Emeritus of Bolingbrook!”

Someone replied, “And we’re IngramSpark and we don’t care!”

Also in the Babbler:

Clow to allow aliens to visit Bolingbrook during Halloween
Awake Illinois to print ‘corrected edition’ of the Bible
‘America’s Next Celebrity Atheist’ to film in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/6/22

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Web Exclusive: Chinese subterranean marines surface in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

A Chinese subterrene crewed by Chinese marines surfaced in Bolingbrook’s Americana Estates subdivision.

Dena, who asked that we not use her last name, claims she first saw a giant drill emerging from a vacant lot. She stated: “I was shocked. Then I thought it must be a tunneling drill, which meant we were getting an L stop! Then I saw the Chinese flag emblem on the side, and got worried.”

Peter Z. Lee, a new Bolingbrook resident, also saw the drilling vehicle emerge: “At first I thought the village was serious about tunneling, but then I saw the Chinese flag and the markings. That thing was with part of the PLA’s First Subterranean brigade.  I feared we were being invaded!”

According to Dena and other eyewitnesses, the craft rolled out of the hole and towards them. A hatch opened, and a marine armed with a QBZ-95 popped out. Most of the eyewitnesses fled when the marine started to point his gun.

Lee decided to stand in front of the drill. Instead of being shot, the marine looked around, then lowered his rifle. According to Lee, the marine said it didn’t look like they were in Taiwan. Lee replied that they were in Bolingbrook. The marine smiled and replied he was from Xuchang City, which is one of Bolingbrook’s sister cities.

“For a moment, I felt a weird brotherly bond with him. Then I remembered that technically, he had just invaded the US.”

The marine then pulled out a cell phone and told someone that they sent him the wrong coordinates.

“We’re supposed to be working together. I know it’s a war game, but how are we supposed to pull off the greatest amphibious invasion in history if you can’t tell the difference between the US and that occupied island?” 

After the call, the marine told Lee he would let him live if he promised not to tell the news media what happened.  Lee agreed, adding that he didn’t consider the Babbler news media. The subterrene then drove back into the hole and sealed the opening. Lee added that a Bolingbrook cleanup team arrived and restored the lot.

The Chinese consulate in Chicago released a statement saying the antipode of Bolingbrook is under the Indian Ocean and offered to provide “alternative news stories” to the Babbler.

A receptionist for Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said she was in an important meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer, said: “I’m only doing this so you’ll stop volunteer-shaming me.”

A woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta replied, “Whatever. This is an emergency, thanks to Amazon’s e-book return policy. I. Need. Your. Help.”

“I knew you could say it. So I just started a Zoom session with the goddess of self-publishing and self-marketing: Joanna Penn.”

Penn replied, “Thanks, but we need to get down to business. So, thanks to TikTok, you’re losing money on your book, Bolingbrook Does Have a History, correct?”

“Unfortunately,” Alexander-Basta replied.

“Fortunately, in self-publishing, it’s never too late to revive book sales. Now, how many sites is it on, besides Amazon?”

“There are other book sites?”

“Oh yes, but we’ll get to that later. Since it’s on Amazon, what Amazon categories is it listed under?”


“That means Amazon selected them for you. We’ll work on that. Next, what keywords did you select?”

“‘Bolingbrook?’ I don’t know. It was published before I joined the board.”

“Fair enough. What’s your permafree book?”


“The free book you offer to entice readers to buy the rest of the books in the series.”


“Yes. The title says this is volume one. How many volumes do you have?”


“That’s not good. When are you going to publish the next volume?”

“Probably 2065, since that will be Bolingbrook’s 100th anniversary.”

“Oh, that’s way too long to release the second book.”

“But that’s when Bolingbrook will have enough of a history to fill a second volume.”

“I suppose, but most self-publishers need to release more than one book before they turn a profit. So if you insist on waiting 43 years to publish the next book, you should consider publishing prequels or a parallel series. For that matter, how many people subscribe to your author newsletter?”

“None. Look, is there anything you can do now to help?”

“I might be able to optimize the ebook formatting to… Oh, dear. It’s all scanned images of newsletters and newspaper clippings.”

“Is that going to be a problem?”

“Yes. We have a lot of work to do.”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Jared Kushner’s laptop appears in Bolingbrook then disappears (Fiction)

Did former Presidential advisor Jared Kushner lose his laptop at a Bolingbrook restaurant? Computer repair person Joel X. Parker claims a waiter working at one of Bolingbrook’s restaurants gave it to him:

“He said Jared left it at his table.  It had a gold-plated casing and Jared’s name was engraved on it. Seemed legit.”

According to Parker, the waiter paid him to wipe the hard drive so he could use it himself. Parker denies he tried to hack into the laptop but admits he accessed it:

“As a joke, I typed ‘Jared’ in the password field. I didn’t realize it really was his password.”

Parker claims the laptop contained records of questionable financial dealings, and messages about illicit activities. As proof, Parker provided the Babbler alleged email exchanges with Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman over the assassination of Jamal Khashoggi. 

In one email, MBS wrote: “One of my associates was a bit too enthusiastic when I told him to deal with that reporter. Can you deal with your father-in-law? Otherwise, it would be a shame to stop doing business with our favorite customer.”

Kushner replied, “I don’t know if I can fit it into my very busy schedule as the best Presidential advisor. I’m so busy that I don’t have time to think about that satanic building I bought.”

MBS wrote a long reply which concluded with this offer: “If you find it in your oh so busy schedule to put in a good word for me, you might find yourself with a big B in the near future.”

Kushner sent a short reply: “Make it 2 Bs and I might send you an attachment about our anti-matter bomb program.”

Parker also showed an alleged email from Ivanka Trump. “Daddy says I’m no longer his favorite Trump. I’m telling on him!”

Before Parker could copy the entire contents of the hard drive, Kushner allegedly arrived at his shop with Bolingbrook police officers. Kushner, according to Parker, threatened to have compromising pictures of Parker, “found” on Hunter Biden’s stolen laptop. Parker surrendered the computer.

“I suppose I should feel lucky they didn’t cancel me, but I will always wonder what else is on that laptop.”

The Babbler could not afford Kushner’s interview fee and did not receive a comment from him.

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said she was in an important meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta, said: “Young lady, you have a lot of explaining to do. Why did you buy and return several copies of the Village’s ebook? You can get free copies from our library.”

“I’m sticking it to Amazon by taking advantage of their ebook return policy. They lost money because of me!”

“They didn’t lose money. We did because the village still has to pay the delivery fee for the books you returned, and they won’t waive that fee unless we enroll in their Kindle Unlimited program. In other words, you were extorting the Village on behalf of Amazon!”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook to require licensing of all psychics
FBI denies raiding the Bolingbrook Golf Club
Atheist missionaries annoy Bolingbrook residents
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/25/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Mayor denies aliens access to Saturday’s Taste of Bolingbrook event (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Despite numerous interstellar diplomatic protests, Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta banned aliens from attending the Taste of Bolingbrook on Saturday, August, 13. Instead, aliens will be encouraged to attend the Taste of Clow UFO Base to be held on the same day.

“The Bolingbrook Chamber of Commerce is expecting 10,000 people to attend this year’s event,” said Alexander-Basta at a press conference with interstellar news organizations. “So, we want to make sure as many humans as possible can taste Bolingbrook. I mean have a taste of Bolingbrook.”

Alexander-Basta then encouraged all alien visitors to Bolingbrook to attend the Taste of Clow UFO Base instead. According to Alexander-Basta, alien visitors will have more fun if they stay on the base:

“We have so many things planned for our esteemed guests. The WeatherTech Restaurant will offer free samples of their new lightning bar desserts, made from rich recycled plastic with chips of discarded battery charger parts. Yummy. But there’s more. Clow’s most famous chef, Joshie Berger, will be serving his super-well-done burger with blackened grilled cheese. It sounds like the worst, but it’s actually the first. Um, you might want to rework that slogan, Joshie… Anyway, I left out the best part. A certain former trustee will be taking time off from her record-breaking interstellar tour to read Bolingbrook event announcements live! And that’s not all!”

Alexander-Basta added that there would be extra Men in Blue at the Taste of Bolingbrook and cloaked drones will scan all attendees for traces of alien DNA. She warned that any alien captured at the event would face “severe consequences.”

Zokgot, a visitor from Ross Confederacy, was disappointed by the announcement. He said: “I was looking forward to consuming a slice of Nancy’s Pizza dipped in Mora’s Miso Soup and topped with Andy’s Custard. I guess I will have to fly over to (Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base) if I want to sample Earth food.”

Alexander-Basta could not be reached for comment.  A receptionist said she was with a “very important visitor” and that they were taking part in a conference call about a “secret project.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar said: “So if buy over a thousand ISBNs, it will come out to about $1.50 per ISBN?”

Another man replied: “Absolutely. And for slightly more we can throw—”

“Then why can’t you just charge $1.50 for all ISBNs? Hell, I could publish my memoir in Canada and get a free ISBN there.”

“But you can’t publish your memoir in Canada because you live in the best country in the world. So you have to deal with us.”

“That’s better. Let’s make a deal.”

“Sure. You’ll pay us $125 for one ISBN. However, if you pay us $295 for ten ISBNs, I can throw in a barcode for $25.  Since you’re obviously new to self-publishing, I can also have an AI scan your manuscript for only $99.99. Or why list your book for free on Books2Read when you can have it listed on Book2look for only $49.95? That’s—”

“Outrageous! How dare you try to rip me off. Don’t you know who I am?”

“You’re a person who has no choice but to deal with Bowker.”

Also in the Babbler:

Village of Long Grove considers approving a weapon of mass slaughter/gun store
Rep. Bill Foster building a rocket car to help him tour his new district
UFO lands in Bolingbrook after colliding with a Long March booster
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/11/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Proud Boys end ‘blockade’ of Chicagoland’s UFO Bases (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The Proud Boys announced Sunday the end of their “blockade” of Chicagoland’s UFO bases.

Peter Z. Easton, a spokesperson for the group, said: “We left after we sent a clear message to all space aliens that if we don’t like you, we’ll find a way to beat you and blame you for starting it.” Easton also added that his local chapter is currently focusing on “combating drag shows, and intimidating school boards.”

According to Easton, the boycott began when the Proud Boys chapter heard rumors of aliens disguising themselves as humans. The members decided it was a form of drag performance. “Our new orders are to go after anything that’s gay. Drag is gay and that’s not OK. Especially if you’re a non-western space alien! Just between you and me, I only liked Milo Yiannopoulos because he triggered the libs.”

Despite claiming victory, officials at Chicagoland’s three UFO Bases denied the Proud Boys intimidated visitors or disrupted flights. 

An official at Clow UFO Base claimed a Proud Boy member tried to leave a bag of dog poo near an entrance. The Men in Blue “reminded” the man that the Proud Boys are still banned from Bolingbrook, and escorted him to Romeoville.  

An employee at Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base accused Proud Boys of shooting at UFOs. He said: “Their guns can’t penetrate shields, so most of our visitors didn’t know they were shot at.  But one crew was able to capture a bullet and shot it back at the (Proud Boy’s) truck. I never knew one remote controlled bullet could do so much damage. Fortunately, no one was hurt, and we covered up the shootings as one of those mysterious booms.”

A former Proud Boy member, who asked to be called Dee, said he was abducted by aliens while looking for Peotone’s base. He said: “They taught me that biology isn’t black and white but a spectrum. I also learned that women don’t like to be bossed around by men, and being a virgin doesn’t make you stronger. I couldn’t call myself a Proud Boy after learning the truth. So I’m going to learn how to make a sandwich and strive to be a good man. I hope I can convince my former comrades of the truth.”

The mayors of Peotone and Palatine could not be reached for comment. A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said: “Are you sure you want to write about the Proud Boys?”

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Michael Carpanzano said, “Absolutely not, Charlene.”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer replied: “You don’t even offer an affiliate link on any of your sites?”

“Just because I urge residents to have a weather radio doesn’t mean I’m profiting off of them.”

“Expecting a donation then?”

“Don’t make me carp you again!”

Also in the Babbler:

Editorial: LGTBQ+ people need our support more than ever
Russia launches two weather attacks against Chicagoland
Image of Christopher Hitchens appears near DuPage Unitarian Church
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/27/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Village sends eviction notice to zombies inside Bolingbrook Commons (Fiction)

As part of a recently announced renovation of Bolingbrook Commons Shopping Center, the village sent an eviction notice to current zombie tenants. The village will also end its “Adopt a Zombie” program after three years.

“Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta has generously allowed our undead residents to exist rent-free for years,” stated a press release from Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs. “Now the village can no longer simultaneously subsidize them, maintain both the Bolingbrook Golf Club and Clow Airport.  The zombies have to go back to the afterlife.”

Under the terms of the agreement, the village will use the sales tax generated by the first $6.5 million of retail sales to pay for the removal and/or extermination of the zombies. In return, the owners, the Hinman Company, will spend between $10 Million to $12 million to both renovate the mall and add zombie traps. DuPage Township will offer free burials or cremations to the resident zombies.

Trustee Troy Doris personally delivered the eviction notice to the zombies. According to eyewitnesses, Doris cautiously entered one of the abandoned storefronts when out of sight of an anti-zombie SWAT team. Less than a minute later, Doris leaped out of the building and dashed back to the SWAT Team in the parking lot. Once safe, Doris showed a cell phone video to an attorney of him serving the notice to a zombie.

An eyewitness who wished to remain anonymous said: “Troy stated it was an eviction notice. Then he threw it at the zombie and ran away. The lawyer said it looked like the notice stuck to the zombie, therefore it was legally served.”

Lawyer Patricia X. Blake, who claims to represent the zombies, announced that she will challenge the eviction notice: “My clients are decent undead residents of Bolingbrook. They are not revenants, like The Crow, and they are not spreading a zombie plague. Mayor Basta’s obsession to best (former Mayor Roger) Claar has gone too far. She’s brought garbage toters to our yards. She’s allowed cannabis businesses to apply for business licenses, and now she wants to be known as the mayor who fixed Bolingbrook Commons. Well, not over my clients’ animated dead bodies!”

Alexander-Basta could not be reached for comment.

A receptionist for DuPage Township said Supervisor Gary Marschke was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Marschke, said: “I find it quite odd that ComEd suddenly informed us that we’ve had an outstanding bill for over ten years. Since my administration has been paying our monthly bill, ComEd has had our billing address. Now we got them to waive the late fee, but the bill is still close to $1000. It’s almost as if someone hacked into ComEd and created a fake bill. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you Charlene ?”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer replied, “Maybe.” 

Also in the Babbler:

Editorial: We need more than thoughts and prayers
Resident arrested after hitting UFO with an illegal firework
Man hospitalized after biting weredog
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/9/22

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is available for preorder. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Clow UFO Base bans ‘Sea Shanty Melody’ while Sherman UFO Base creates ‘Shanty Zones’ (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base officially banned performances of the “Sea Shanty Melody” while Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base created “SSM” zones to accommodate the dancing performers.

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta released a statement that read: “It’s been over a year since the Sea Shanty Meme started. During that time, security has had to break up numerous fights over that song.  Some of our visitors are treating it like a religion, rather than a silly melody. Enough! I don’t care if the ship is called Billy OT or Billy O’Tea.  I don’t care if you do one kick or two. I don’t care if you think the Santiana is really a hovercraft flying over Mexico. I don’t care! We just want peace and quiet on our base. We can’t stand hearing the song daily!”

Clow officials later clarified that Clow’s bars would continue to serve Wellermans, a mixed drink of rum, tea, and sugar.

After the announcement of Clow’s ban, Palatine Village Manager Reid Ottesen announced to the interstellar news media that Sherman will designate areas where aliens could perform and record their performances.

“Some could argue this is a cynical attempt to draw traffic away from Clow,” said Ottesen. “That couldn’t be further from the truth. I think that if Palatine can allow video gambling, we can allow performances of this sea song. Who knows? Maybe we can find a way to combine them?”

Some aliens at Clow tried to protest the ban by performing to the melody but were quickly arrested. A lawyer for the protesters insisted the ban violated the Treaty of the Bermuda Triangle and vowed to have it overturned.

The lawyer also told alien reporters: “I will say that my clients appreciate being asked nicely by security to surrender before perfunctorily being sprayed with riot foam. The previous administrator of Clow would have sprayed them without any warning.”

Zeego, a resident of the Galactic Core Worlds, said she will be visiting Sherman because they are accommodating sea shanty dancers. 

“Weathermen on Earth have such a difficult job. I hope my dance lifts their spirits.”

Pozogot, who did not disclose his planet, supports Clow’s ban. “My best Earthling friend was a whale, and she was murdered in your 19th Century by those whalers. She could have been the Whale Bob Dylan, but she was murdered and turned into lamp oil!”

When reached for comment, Ottesen replied: “Your questions about UFOs make me laugh. After managing Palatine through riots and a pandemic, I could always use a laugh.”

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was unavailable.

“We kind of have a situation here. Steve Bannon is in the lobby and we can’t get him to leave.”

In the background, a person who sounded like Bannon said, “Marie, when I said, “Flood the zone with (expletive deleted),” I didn’t mean that literally!”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Alexander-Basta to declare a ‘crypto holiday’ in Bolingbrook
First off-world alien votes arrive in Cook and Will counties
Aliens offer condolences to Rep. Casten following the death of his eldest daughter
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is available for preorder. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Bolingbrook bunnies attack Aurora mayor Richard Irvin (Fiction)

A rabbit gang attacked Aurora mayor and Republican gubernatorial candidate Richard Irvin while he was recording political ads in Bolingbrook. Irvin was rescued by Animal Control’s Rabbit Response Team and treated for minor bites and scratches, and given a rabies shot.

According to eyewitnesses, as Irvin recited these lines, “You know what the Left hates more than Republicans? The black friends of Republicans! I want to be your black friend,” a herd of rabbits stopped to watch. For the next commercial, Irvin pointed a green prop gun at a remote-controlled camera. He recited the lines: “Some people say J.B. Pritzker has access to a space laser. Well, I prefer to practice my Second Amendment rights up close and personal.” Irvin pulled the trigger and the prop gun made a pop sound. The rabbits then charged Irvin and the crew.

“I think it was just a misunderstanding,” said Juliana, who asked that we not use her last name. “The poor abandoned bunnies thought Richard wanted to be their friend. They probably felt betrayed when he set off his cap gun. That’s why they attacked him.”

Joe, another eyewitness also witnessed the attack. He said: “Let’s just say I will never look at Monty Python and the Holy Grail the same way again.”

The Rabbit Response Team caught five rabbits and chased away the rest. The captured rabbits will be sent to a rescue organization to domesticate them.

“This is what happens when you don’t properly care for your rabbit,” said an officer who asked not to be named. “Too many residents adopt and then abandon their rabbits. These once innocent creatures have no choice but to join gangs in order to survive. They started out raiding gardens, but now they’ve moved on to attacking humans. For the love of God, if you’re not willing to fulfill a rabbit’s special needs, don’t adopt one! They can be loving pets with the right caretakers.”

When reached for comment, Irvin confirmed the attack and said he was okay:  “I want to thank the staff of Barber’s Corners Media for their professionalism during a crisis. Things have gotten so bad in Illinois under Pritzker and Madigan that rabbits are hunting humans! Those two make me angry, just like the idiots in my party who want to ban abortion. We can’t tell people it’s okay to spread a deadly airborne disease then say we’re pro-life. And while you’re here, tell Pritzker that I prosecuted criminals before I defended them! So I know criminals, and Trump is the biggest criminal I know. He’s worse than all the Illinois democrats combined!”

“You can’t say that!” someone in the background yelled.

“Chill out,” Irvin replied. “I’m just talking to the Babbler. No one believes them.”

A spokesperson for Barber’s Corners Media would neither confirm nor deny they were working with Irvin.

In the background, Covert Social Media Operative Charlene Spencer sat conversing at a desk with Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta:

“I told you my friend at Miblart makes great covers.”

“You are too kind,” said a man on a video call.

Alexander-Basta said, “We’ll need it soon because I want the Village to publish its fantasy novel before that Babbler staffer does. There are no rifts in Bolingbrook.”

“I won’t argue,” Spencer replied. “Here’s your invoice.”

“Wow! I can’t believe it. What’s the catch?”

The sound of gunfire could be heard in the background. The man ducked, followed by the sound of an explosion that shook the camera. The man returned to his seat and adjusted the camera.

“Sorry about that. So any free changes you want to make?”

Spencer replied, “Could you add a blue tint to this part?”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook will not recognize Christopher Hitchens’s birthday as a holiday
AI announces candidacy for Will County Board against Jackie Traynere
Trumpanati cancels convention at the Bolingbrook Golf Club
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/20/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My new novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is coming out soon. Pathways to Bolingbrook: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story is free and available now. For book updates, sign up for my newsletter.