Controversial Atheist Professor Richard Dawkins defects to the Illuminati (Fiction)

 

Richard Dawkins and James Randi

File photo of James Randi (Left) and Richard Dawkins (Right) from TAM 8.

Professor Richard Dawkins announced his defection from the New World Order to the Illuminati at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

Dawkins, who secretly traveled to Bolingbrook for his Illuminati initiation ceremony, explained his decision to the gathered dignitaries:

“The board of the NWO gave me an ultimatum: Stop attacking marginalized people or else.  Can you believe that anyone would give me, Professor Richard Dawkins, an order?  So I made a bad faith tweet about trans people, and the NWO revoked my Humanist of the Year award from 1996.  I told them they had one day to apologize.  They ignored me!  Don’t they know that nobody can ignore me, Professor Richard Dawkins?”

Dawkins also confirmed that his organization, the Center for Inquiry, is now under Illuminati control and purged of all NWO members. New CFI embassies will open at the Illuminati’s UFO bases over the next two years, while CFI will close its embassies at the NWO’s bases.

Ophelia Benson, a feminist blogger known for her transgender exclusionary views, welcomed Dawkins to the Illuminati:  “Nine years ago, the Illuminati forced me to participate in a trivia contest with the fate of Seattle at stake.  At the time, I wasn’t too happy about that.  Boy, have times changed!  Now I’m the 5th Preceptor for the State of Washington—  Which just goes to show that if you hate trans people like I do, I can forgive almost anything you do.  Welcome aboard Richard.”

“Thank you.  I am happy to be a member of a society that values me as much as I value my honey.”

“I wonder if Richard ever offered his honey to J. K. Rowling.”

“Excuse me,” snapped Dawkins.  “Are you making comments during my speech?”

“Sorry.  Old habit.  On my blog, I like to post other people’s works and add my comments.”

Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler and Trustee-elect Troy Doris performed the Illuminati’s Rite of Acceptance for Dawkins.  After the ritual, Lawler and Doris addressed the audience.

Doris stated: “In Bolingbrook, we don’t care if you have a sister.  We don’t care if you’re into transcendental meditation.  We just don’t care.  Why are you giving me that look, Michael?”

Lawler then delivered his remarks:  “I would be remiss if I didn’t mention all the fine trans individuals who work for the Illuminati.  Some of them live in Bolingbrook and are involved with Bolingbrook Pride.  Professor, please understand that you were not brought into the Illuminati to spread transphobia.  You were accepted for your ability to spread anger and chaos around the world.  Please remember that.”

“If I didn’t just ask questions to so-called trans people, would I still be a popular British personality?”

“I think you would be like Daniel Radcliffe.”

“Yes, but—”

“I think I’m needed elsewhere.”

When reached for comment, Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta denied being a member of the Illuminati, or that Dawkins was recently in Bolingbrook. She then said:

“Before you log off, I’d like to run something by you before I present it to (Trustee Michael Carpanzano.)  As you know, Bolingbrook is a diverse community, and corporations now support diversity. So what do you think of this tagline? ‘Bolingbrook: Where your business can stay woke without going broke.’”

Also in the Babbler:

Russians threaten to shoot heat ray at Bolingbrook
Source: Sculptors submitting proposals for a 900-foot statue of former Mayor Roger Claar
Officials at the Department of Paranormal propose loosening restrictions on Wereskunks
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/30/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Bolingbrook police defuse gender reveal hydrogen bomb (Fiction)

File photo of a Mushroom Cloud.

The Bolingbrook police, in cooperation with a federal Nuclear Emergency Search Team, defused a hydrogen bomb intended for a gender reveal party. 

“The suspect said he wanted to reveal his baby’s gender with a bang,” said Bolingbrook police officer Smith, who asked that we not use his/her real name.  “The problem is that bang could have killed thousands of people.  It could have been the deadliest gender reveal incident in history.  I urge all expecting parents to use common sense.  Send out a card, and keep in mind that your baby’s gender may not match their sexual organs.  Be humble.  Don’t be vandals!”

According to sources within Village Hall, a NEST leader contacted Police Chief Mike Roma and informed him that there was a nuclear bomb in Bolingbrook.  When pressed, the official said the team had no idea when it was set to go off, or who planted it.

Roma informed Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta about the bomb.  According to many sources, her first act was to call former Mayor Roger Claar.  Sources agree she left the following voicemail:

Hi Roger, it’s me again.  You told me to call you if I ever there was a major emergency.  Well, we have one now, but don’t worry.  Those terrorists will have to step over my dead body before they can blow up Bolingbrook.  I’ve got this.  Oh, and thanks for the second $20,000 check.  The opposition (Mayoral candidates Jackie Traynere and Sheldon Watts) are putting up quite a fight this time around, but thanks to your donation, we’re going to throw an awesome victory party.

Alexander-Basta then called Watts and told him to wait in the Bridal Suite at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.  According to sources, she told Watts that the other trustees were going to meet there for a special meeting.

“You just want to use Roger’s luxurious office for the meeting,” said Watts.

“You mean my luxurious office.”

“Soon to be my luxurious office.”

Alexander-Basta then moved to an undisclosed location and started a zoom meeting with the remaining trustees.  After briefing the trustees, Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz asked if Bolingbrook should be evacuated.  Alexander-Basta replied that it would take hours to evacuate suburban Chicago.

“The damage to our economy would be far greater than the loss of human life,” said Trustee Michael Carpanzano.  “But if we need to evacuate, I’m more than happy to create an evacuation website.”

“How can you think about websites and the economy at a time like this?” asked Jaskiewicz.

Trustee Maria Zarate replied: “You can evacuate Bolingbrook, Bob, and never come back.”

An hour later, NEST located the bomb inside a hanger at Clow Airport and informed Alexander-Basta.  She dispatched several officers to surround the hanger.  The officers arrived minutes later.

The man who was renting the hanger peacefully surrendered, and unlocked the door.  NEST members rushed into the hanger.  Moments later, one of them shouted, “It’s a Tsar Bomba!

“That can’t be an Obama bomb,” said the man.  “I asked my Russian friend for the biggest Bomb in Russia, and this is what he shipped me.”

Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler wheeled in a UV lamp and announced that he was taking over the scene.  

“I know how to disarm an atomic bomb,” said Lawler.  “I read the instructions in a novel.  All I have to do is shine this UV light on the circuit board, and the detonation commands will be erased!  This is yet another benefit of our Restaurant Grant Program!

Despite the protests from the NEST members, Lawler irradiated the circuit board.  This was followed by several clicking sounds from the bomb.  

“What happened?” asked Lawler.

A NEST member replied: “The computer was actively preventing the arming sequence.  By destroying the computer, you just started the arming sequence!”

“But I don’t see a digital timer counting down.”

“That’s only in the movies.  Only the person who built the bomb knows how long we have.  You may have just destroyed the greater Chicago metropolitan area!”

“Oops.”

Fortunately, a NEST member discovered that the panels covering the nuclear fuel were not booby-trapped. The team was able to remove the fuel, but they could not disarm the conventional explosives inside the triggering device.  When Lawler suggested letting the bomb explode, the team explained that the bomb was still powerful enough to destroy Clow Airport, and the surrounding businesses and neighborhoods.

“Roger would be mad if I let that happened,” said Lawler.

Officer Smith then volunteered to deliver the bomb to the Elmhurst Chicago Stone Company Quarry.  Smith raced down Washington Street and Royce Road, crashed through the gates, and rolled out of the truck before it fell into the quarry.  Moments later, a pink mushroom cloud rose from the quarry.

Smith added: “After everything the Bolingbrook police department did to save Bolingbrook, the least Mayor Mary could do is sign our labor contract.”

Alexander-Basta and Lawler could not be reached for comment.

A spokesperson for Sheldon’s Bolingbrook Independent Voices Party said: “God bless the Bolingbrook Police Department.”

In the background, a woman who sounded like DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford said:  “Great work, Charlene.  I still can’t believe you managed to spin a flyer accusing my candidates of racism and extremism as a racist and extremist attack against me.”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer replied: “It was nothing.  I just asked myself what would  8kun do, and did it.  Then I wrote an inflammatory article for the Edgar County Watchdogs with the images cropped out of context.  I couldn’t have done it without their help.”

“I will thank them for you.”

“I do have a question, though.  Are you worried that some of your slate members might turn against you later on?  They do give off an Alt-Right vibe sometimes.”

“No, because I am a CPA.  That makes me special.”

Also in the Babbler:

Ghost of Dr. Seuss: They do not have to publish my books in a house or with a mouse
Illuminati to debut the Sinema dance at the Bolingbrook State of the Village address
Supercomputer explodes trying to figure out Illinois’s COVID vaccine rules
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/12/21

Video: Stephanie Goldfarb on “At the Intersection of Queer & Jewish: Why It’s Tough Out Here for Some of Us.” (Non-fiction)

Last month, Kol Hadash Humanistic Congregation held its annual Pride Shabbat service.  This year, Stephanie Goldfarb was the guest speaker.  She is both a Jewish educator and an LGBTQ activist, as well as the winner of Food Network’s “America’s Best Cook” in 2014.  Her talk was titled: “At the Intersection of Queer & Jewish: Why It’s Tough Out Here for Some of Us.”  She also mentions the removal of rainbow Star of David Flags at the 2017 Chicago Dyke March and how the experience affected her as both an organizer of the march, and as a member of the Jewish community.

Note:  I serve on the Kol Hadash Steering Committee.