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By Reporter X
Social Media personality HeyMissTeacher (Ms. Sunshine), known for her quirky fashion videos, addressed several thousand extraterrestrials at Clow UFO Base. Her presentation was part fashion show, part lecture, and part avant-garde performance.
Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta introduced Ms. Sunshine and urged the audience to pay close attention if they plan on leaving the base disguised as human beings. “In the past, we’ve loosened the rules, but some of you–I won’t name names–went too far. So if you don’t want me to cancel off-base passes, please listen carefully to Ms. Sunshine tonight. Especially if you don’t want to meet my Men in Blue outside.”
After taking the stage, Ms. Sunshine explained why it was important for extraterrestrials to be mindful of human fashion trends. “There’s always that visitor in the audience who thinks they can get away with wearing only a human suit on Halloween.” She scanned the audience. “Well, here’s the uncomfortable truth about humanity. A human suit makes you look like a nude human. When you’re nude, you’re naked. And when you’re naked, you’re exposed. When you’re exposed, you’re dead! A human suit is the foundation, not the end result.”
Throughout the presentation, Ms. Sunshine performed many of the same moves she’s known for on her videos. Including staggering across the stage before stopping to point out her fashion accessories, twirling, kneeling to highlight her shoes, and swaying her hips for several seconds. As in her videos, she pointed out that her quirky fashion choices were still classroom appropriate.
“This is why it is important to wear layers. If I show too much skin, I lose my teaching job. If you show too much of your human suit, you’ll be lucky if you’re dragged by the Men in Blue back to the UFO base. If you run into ICE agents and you’re showing too much of your human suit…Let’s not talk about it.”
She added, “There’s always that one visitor in the audience who says, ‘I don’t need to wear a full human suit because I’ll be wearing a skirt. Nobody on my world looks up a person’s skirt.'” She side-eyed the audience. “As a human female, trust me when I say there’s always someone who will try to look up your skirt. That’s why I keep saying you need to wear layers. Layers will save your life and your modesty, and we want to save both!”
Later in the show, Ms. Sunshine changed the cover of her glass eyeball to demonstrate how eye colors can enhance or detract from an outfit. She also offered advice to any extraterrestrials who plan on pretending they’re humans with at least one glass eye. “If you’re going to pretend to be like me, just remember you have no depth perception. Easy. But if you want to pretend you have two glass eyes, don’t walk around like a full-sighted human. Humans can’t see without eyes! No eyes equals blind. Blind puts you in a bind. Leave that to experts. I hear some of you saying you’re experts. No! Trust me! You’re not an expert. You’re a target for ICE!”
Ms. Sunshine received a ten-minute standing ovation after she finished her talk. After thanking the audience and the staff of Clow for hosting. She told everyone to leave the auditorium. “I don’t do encores! Seriously!” She then turned her back and walked off stage. After leaving the stage, she spoke over the public address system. “Ms. Sunshine has left the planet!”
Most alien attendees gave Ms. Sunshine’s performance positive reviews.
Said Glozoper from Zind Confederation, “I was going apply for a license to go outside on Halloween as myself. But after listening to Ms. Sunshine, I think I’m going to dress up as a stylish human instead.”
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