Editor’s note: The Bolingbrook Babbler partners with three sister publications around the world to bring you the unbelievable truth. This article is from The Red Deer Reporter, based in Alberta, Canada.
Despite eyewitness reports (and psychics’ apocalyptic visions), Red Deer officials deny that a truck convoy driven by zombies is approaching the city.
“That’s ridiculous!” said a city official who demanded they not be named. “Let me guess. They’re pro-vaccine zombies. Right?”
The eyewitnesses agree that not only are the zombies pro-vaccine, but they intend to occupy downtown Red Deer until residents “stop whining” about Covid restrictions.
Peter, who asked that we not use his last name, says he spoke with them at a truck stop:
“While everyone else was acting like violent cowardly Americans, I just walked up to their leader and said: ‘Excuse me, but you seem to be lost and have wandered into the land of the living. I can direct you to a graveyard where you might be able to find your way back to the afterlife.’ The leader asked if I was vaccinated, and I said yes. Three shots. The leader said I was smart, and warned me not to die any time soon. For a rotting corpse, it was quite friendly.”
Simone, a feisty woman who threatened this reporter when asked for her last name, claims she tried to fight off the zombies:
“I thought they were part of the Wexit—I mean anti-vaccine mandate truckers. When I saw they were monsters, I started shooting their heads. This didn’t stop them. They said I was acting like an American. I asked how did I … I don’t talk to the fake press!”
Simone added that one zombie described her death due to covid. “When she showed me what was left of her thin blue line tattoo, I knew she was telling the truth. I guess Trump is right, and we should all take his vaccine.”
According to other witnesses, the zombies claim that they are trying to save the European Canadian Afterlife. That afterlife, according to the zombies, is overpopulated, and the First Nations Afterlife refuses to accept refugees. The zombies warn that if Canada loosens its COVID policies, spirits will resort to “cannibalizing spirit energy” to create space.
“If you want to have a long afterlife,” said Peter, “Get vaccinated now! The zombies taught me that being free shouldn’t mean being dumb too.”
Tonya Z. Alexander, the spokeswoman for the Red Deer Skeptics, doubts the existence of the zombie convoy:
“Things are so bad that there is no joy in debunking the Reporter. Even Steven Pinker’s unfounded optimism cannot raise my spirits. I’m now reading Impossible Me, Pervert Justice, and Reprobate Spreadsheet. These are truly dark times. for Canada.”
A receptionist for Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said he was still recovering from Covid and could not be disturbed.
In the background, a man who sounded like Trudeau said, “So, what do the Mounted Police need to do to break the siege of Ottawa?”
Another man answered, “How much money is in the treasury?”
Also in the Red Deer Reporter:
Sources: Aliens truck drivers covering for Freedom Convoy drivers
Covid positive deer refuse masks
Jeff Bezos demands a discounted price for Canada
God to smite the rest of Canada on 10/2/2022
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.
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