Red Deer Reporter: US covert operatives spotted in the area! (Fiction)

From the Babbler:  This article is from our sister publication, the Red Deer Reporter. It’s based in Red Deer, Alberta, Canada.

Sightings of possible US covert operatives near Red Deer skyrocketed following the disastrous G-7 summit.

Josephine, who asked that we not use her last name, described her encounter with one:  “I was sitting in my favorite bar when this weird man walked up to me and sat next to me without my permission.  He said he was a member of the ‘Wild Alberta’ party, but they weren’t going far enough.  He wondered if I thought that the US should invade Alberta so (President Trump) could make it great again.  I told him that invasions kill poor people to make rich people richer.  I also told him that I used to be a member of the United Conservative Party, but then I started reading Against the Grain and the  Reprobate Spreadsheet.  Now I am a much better person. He left.  Come to think of it, he did have an odd accent.”

Paul, who asked that we not use his real name, said a tractor-trailer truck pulled up next to him.  The driver stepped out and offered Paul an assault rifle.  Paul declined:  “I have enough guns.  The driver said that he was going to help ‘Texas North’ resist the ‘French Occupational Government.’  He asked if I would take up arms to defend the English Language.  I said people from Quebec are fine, but I would take up arms against the United States.  They steal our cheap medicine and demand that we say ‘eh’ for their amusement.  I would love to plunder their shale oil so Alberta could control the global market.  The driver took the gun away and left without saying goodbye.  How rude.”

Dena Z. Franson claims she encountered a sniper on her ranch:  “I saw this fake cow in my field.  Figuring it was a joke, I decided to approach it and throw it out.  When a got about a meter away, a man inside said, ‘Moo.  La moo.’  I stopped, and he said it again.  Then he said, ‘I am a Canadian cow.  Moo!  La Moo!’  I said that it is a balmy 15 C degrees outside, and he might overheat inside that fake cow.  That’s when I saw a rifle barrel come out of the cow’s mouth.  He used some unpleasant language before saying, “I’m here to make America again, and I’ll shoot any Canadian who refuses to submit to our President.  La Great!  La Shoot!  La Kill!  La Trump!’  I ran away.”

Police and Royal Canadian Mounted Police officials said they were not aware of any US military presence near Red Deer.  They did suggest that if any resident encounters US operatives, they should run to safety and call 911.

Also in the Red Deer Reporter:

Space alien criminals spotted near Red Deer
US mayor complains about people complaining
Picture of James Randi fails to cure a local woman of her allergies
God to spare Red Deer on 14/6/18

Red Deer Reporter: PM Justin Trudeau survives Trump handshake by using an exoskeleton (Fiction)

Note:  The Bolingbrook Babbler shares content from our sister publications around the world.  This article comes from the Red Deer Reporter, based in Red Deer, Alberta, Canada.

Anonymous Sources say Prime Minister Justin Trudeau used an exoskeleton to resist President Donald Trump’s grab and pull handshake.

“His cabinet was worried when we saw what Trump did to the Japanese Prime Minister,”  said one source.  “We suspect that Trump used some kind of enhancement.”  He then made a cough that sounded like he was saying: “steroids and speed.”  He continued: “We figured that if Trump wants to use an enhanced handshake, so can the Prime Minister.”

The sources agree that Trudeau used a top secret military exoskeleton during his visit to the White House. The suit, according to the sources, is currently used by warehouse workers in Canada’s restricted bases.  Said a source named Bob: “If this powered suit can lift 100 Kg, it can resit Donald Trump’s aggressive handshake.”

Staff members were allegedly impressed with the exoskeleton’s performance during the visit.  They also praised how Trudeau managed the suit’s battery.  “If you paid attention during the second handshake, Trudeau’s apparent hesitation was actually him turning on the suit.  He didn’t waste his power like a certain world leader is doing.”

An anonymous source at the White House denied that that Trump uses an enhanced handshake.  “You are not reporting the true story!  You need to get back to Canada and tell your readers the truth! The truth is the Canadian government is overrun with Reptillians and everyone who voted for your leader is probably an alien.  Stop attacking our President and start asking how our great President can save Canada!”

A spokesperson for Trudeau denied that he used an enhanced handshake.  “Justin is the strongest and fittest world leader alive!  He knows how to box!  President Obama could have put up a fight, but Trump!  Ha!  He’d kick his ass just as badly as we kicked your asses in the War of 1812!”

A man who sounded like Trudeau then took the phone.  “My apologies for his unusual rashness.  I just want to assure my fellow citizens that not only will we welcome refugees, we will also welcome expat Canadians back as well.  Even if you think you were a lousy Canuck.

Also in the Red Deer Reporter:
First US refugees arrive in Red Deer
Local Burger King to test burger with Tim Horton’s doughnut bun
Mayor urge all werecats to stay indoors this winter
God to spare Red Deer on 14/2/17