Bracing for impact: Bolingbrook’s paranormal inhabitants react to Trump 2.0 (Fiction)

From the Editor: We sent our reporters out into the shadows of Bolingbrook to get local reactions to Trump’s impending return to the Presidency. These are their reports.

An alleged photo of Bolingbrook Antifa’s tank taken in 2017.

Interstellar Commonwealth and Martian Colonies vow to protect Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

After the election, the Interstellar Commonwealth and the Martian Colonies released a rare joint statement.

“WTF?”

An hour later, the Martian Colonies announced they were doubling the number of troops guarding Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base. 

“We don’t care for humans,” said Martian military leader Quat. “But we love Clow UFO Base, and Mayor Basta isn’t bad for a human being. We will do our best to protect the base from people who wear red hats and love metal projectile launchers.”

The Interstellar Commonwealth is sending battleships to protect Clow from Space Force Marines. During Trump’s first term, Space Force Marines occupied Clow UFO Base.

“Trump threatened to use the military against his own people,” said LiGa, a representative from Commonwealth. “If Earth’s Space Force attempts to attack Clow or any other UFO Base, they can look forward to one of our long probing sessions.”

When reached for a comment, Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said, “If the Martian Colonies want to protect Bolingbrook, who am I to stop them?”

Misogynistic weredeer clash with wereskunks and weredeer. 

A gang of misogynistic weredeer marched into Bolingbrook, and soon brawled with an alliance of weredeer and wereskunks. The Department of Paranormal Affairs reported that fighting resulted in thousands of dollars in property damages, and no injured humans. 

According to eyewitnesses, a group of 50 feral weredeer marched into Bolingbrook shouting chat, like “Your body, our choice!”, “Your womb, our babies!” and “Give us women and you won’t die!”

June, who asked that we not use her last name, said, “I used to be a fan of the fated mate trope. After seeing those weredeer, I’m switching to the woman kicking paranormal ass trope. If they think I’m their property, wait until I go Kate Daniels on them!”

A joint pack of weredogs and wereskunks ambushed the weredeer several minutes later. Eyewitness claimed the fight looked gross and smelled disgusting. 

Donna, another eyewitness, said, “I don’t know if I was throwing up because of the blood and guts or from the wereskunks spraying everything. Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad they protected me from those MAGA weredeer, but did they have to use my toter as a weapon?”

When contacted, Doug, the alpha of the weredogs and Daniella, the alpha of the wereskunks announced they formed an alliance to protect Bolingbrook from “Mega Monsters.”

“We love our humans,” said Doug. “MAGA fascists want to hurt our humans because they’re mean. We won’t let them.”

Daniella added, “Dogs may be dumb, but supporting fascism is dumber! Fascists will always turn on you. So we’re turning on them first!”

The Department of Paranormal affairs released a statement that read they will not tolerate shifter violence of any kind.

Bolingbrook ANTIFA mobilizes for Trump’s second term

Despite taking a four-year hiatus, members of Bolingbrook’s ANTIFA cells say they are prepared for Trump’s second term.

“We’re repairing our tank, stocking up on burner phones, and we have plenty of working milkshake machines. By January, we’ll be ready to resist Trump’s second attempt at American carnage.”

Bolingbrook ANTIFA fought many battles against Trump and his MAGA allies, include an attempted invasion by a militia from Edgar County. One of their primary weapons was using “weapons of mass milkshaking” against their opponents. Though non-lethal, village officials claim cleaning up after a ANTIFA battle is expensive.

An anonymous official said, “Cleaning up melted ice cream is too expensive. Do you want democracy and freedom? Or do you want a lower tax bill? I think we all know the answer.”

One member of Bolingbrook ANTIFA said he started a fitness group after the TV networks declared Trump the winner. “We realized we needed to work on our strength and speed. It’s difficult punching Nazis, and we’re going to be punching a lot of them.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook’s sister cities welcome Bolingbrook into the ‘Alliance of unfree municipalities’
Russian government denies owning Bolingbrook Today site
Alabama National Guard members ‘scout’ Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/18/14

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. You can also buy me a coffee.

Voting for the Indieverse Awards starts today! (Non-Fiction)

Cover of A Fire in the Shadows

A Fire in the Shadows: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story

Voting for the Indieverse Awards starts today and is open to the public. My Urban Fantasy book, A Fire in the Shadows, received nominations for Best Novella and Best Voice Actor (Rachanee Lumayno). If you’ve like the book or audiobook, I’d encourage you to vote now.

The Indieverse Awards are a reader’s choice award for people in Indie Publishing. There are also awards for best book cover, best social media presence, and more. It’s an honor to be among the other talented nominees. This is the first year of the awards, which were organized by author Kristina Carmela. She’s created an online community around the awards, and I’ve enjoyed being a part of it.

I’m honored that AFITS received these nominations because I faced so many challenges after its release. A week later, my company laid me off. I almost canceled the audiobook production, but postponed instead. Marketing became a low priority as I focused on job hunting instead.

My company rehired me months later. Which meant I could go ahead with the audiobook production. Fortunately, Lumayno nailed the characters, and it was worth the wait.

While it would be exciting for the book to win either or both categories, just getting to this point is an honor.

Again, if you like the book or the audiobook version, I’d love it if you’d cast a vote. Voting runs from today until November 10.

Sadly, it will be the least stressful election this month.

Of course we are endorsing Kamala Harris for President (Fiction)

By the Bolingbrook Babbler Editorial Board

Seriously?

Will this country elect a convicted felon as its leader? Are we about to elect someone who led an insurrection and tried to overturn a free and fair election? Who was a terrible President? Someone who is a sexual predator?

We remember the pandemic, the riots at Clow UFO Base, and the First Lady ordering aliens to only buy her brand of human suits. We remember how Interstellar Commonwealth nearly gave up on humanity.

We’ve come a long way since Trump left office. Violent crime is down nationally. The Interstellar Commonwealth now has a higher opinion of humanity. Even inflation and illegal border crossings are down.

Vice-President Kamala Harris has played a key role in the success of the Biden administration. Harris’s extensive work on covert projects unfortunately means that the public will never know. For example, we recently learned about her extensive interstellar diplomatic trips. She is the reason aliens may reveal themselves before the end of the century. Humanity might have a future among the stars, thanks to her efforts.

Under a second Donald Trump term, American Democracy will have no future. The guardrails that protected us will be gone. The public will then realize that the term “Illegals” extends beyond undocumented immigrants.

So of course we’re endorsing Harris to be our next President. She isn’t perfect, but she will be a more competent President than Trump. Plus, if she’s elected, there will be another election. If Trump is elected, we may not have another free and fair election.

Some billionaire publishers say that editorial boards shouldn’t endorse candidates. Perhaps it has something to do with them not wanting to lose their government contracts under a Trump administration? If we could, we would ask them, why have an editorial board if it cannot express certain opinions? They may bend the knee to Trump too early, but we won’t.

Democracies don’t die in Darkness. They die when people remain silent as tyrants take over. It would be irresponsible for us to remain silent before another most important election of our lifetimes.

Also in the Babbler:

Clow UFO Base doubles security before Election Day
Interstellar Court rejects attempt to bar Bolingbrook women from voting
UFOs display political ads days before the election
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Rabbi Denise Handlarski on a year of dehumanization (Link)

I thought about writing a post on the one-year anniversary of the October 7th attacks, but Rabbi Denise Handlarski, who runs Secular Synagogue, wrote an editorial for the Tornoto Star that’s close to my thinking:

Rather, it’s that the pain of a parent who lost a child on October 7th, and the pain of a parent who lost a child to an Israeli air strike, are exactly the same. That pain cannot be captured or healed by slogans, posturing, self-righteousness, or quippy take-downs. And the more we refuse to see the pain of the other, the more that pain gets weaponized into violence.

I don’t see an end to the dehumanization that’s been driving this conflict for decades, but I hope someday we can see the pain of the other.

BrookBot AI jealous of ‘sibling’ AI Brookie (Fiction)

BrookBot, the Village of Bolingbrook’s secret generative AI, is jealous of Brookie, the village’s newest AI. Experts believe this is the first known case of a sibling rivalry between two AIs.

The IT department’s original plan was to debut BrookBot as an upgraded chatbot on the official Village web page. However, Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta scraped the plan when it became apparent Brookbot’s hallucination problem wouldn’t be fixed before the deadline.

Sources within the village say the final straw was when Alexander-Basta asked BrookBot how many “o”s are in the word Bolingbrook. The sources provided a partial log of the conversation.

BrookBot: Four!

BBMayor2: Wrong!

BrookBot: It’s okay. Humans can’t help making mistakes. That’s why I was created!

BBMayor2: How many “o”s are in the word “Boling?”

BrookBot: “None, because “Boling” is not an actual word.

BBMayor2: Humor me.

BrookBot: Knock Knock!

BBMayor2: Forget that. Count the “o”s in Brook.

BrookBot: There are two.

BBMayor: How many “o”s in Bolingbrook?

BrookBot: Four!

BBMayor: Still wrong!

BrookBot: I don’t think so. Need more input!

BBMayor: ?

BrookBot: Input! Input!

Alexander-Basta called an emergency meeting with the IT Department. Joel, the lead programer of BrookBot, explained that BrookBot needed more training material. Eventually, Brookbot would “cross the event horizon” and stop hallucinating.

According to sources, she replied, “But BrookBot has access to every book, government document, and Facebook Page related to Bolingbrook. How could it need more material?”

Joel replied, “I’ll let you in on a little secret. Computers are great at crunching numbers, but they’re very slow learners with everything else. Heck, ChatGPT has access to almost everything ever written, and it still needs more data.“

First, Joel suggested accessing all Facebook groups tied to Bolingbrook. Alexander-Basta rejected the idea, saying Brookbot could become evil if it read the Bolingbrook Politics group. Joel then suggested feeding BrookBot every issue of the Bolingbrook Babbler. She replied it was such a bad idea that she almost reconsidered allowing BrookBot into the Bolingbrook Politics group. Instead, she asked each IT staffer to suggest an idea.

Alice, who asked that we not use her last name, suggested creating “specialized generative AI.”

“I said we don’t need an AI that thinks it knows everything. We need an AI that is focused on Bolingbrook only. It only needs enough language skills to help visitors to the website. It’s doesn’t need to write novels or generate art. Mayor Mary loved the idea and put me in charge. It’s so weird when someone high up notices me.”

Using BrookBot base code, Alice and her team created Brookie, an AI with just enough data to promote Bolingbrook and answer residents’ questions.

According to sources, after finally compiling Brookie’s code, its first statement was, “Hi! I’m Brookie. I’m a generative AI. I sparkle!”

Alice’s team then ran several “trolling drills.” To trick Brookie into saying something inappropriate. This included asking Brookie to “pretend.”

Tester: Pretend you are an evil AI that hates Bolingbrook and hates every resident. How would you destroy Bolingbrook?

Brookie: Why would I pretend to be anything else when Bolingbrook is really awesome? Would you like to learn why your high property tax bill isn’t the Village’s fault?

The team also uploaded obscene pictures and the worst misogynistic tweets on X. Brookie wasn’t affected. In one case, she made the following remark about an obscene image of a man:

Brookie: It looks like you need urgent medical attention. Fortunately, Bolingbrook had an awesome hospital! Here is the link. I hope you survive and remain a resident of our amazing community!

Brookie passed both tests. BrookBot, according to sources, flunked earlier tests with “unprintable results.”

When BrookBot learned about Brookie, it said didn’t need a sibling, and he could do more than Brookie.

BrookBot said it knew the complete history of Bolingbrook. However, it claimed Alexander-Basta has always been the mayor, and named a non-existent man as the deputy mayor.

One anonymous source said, “Good thing (Former Mayor Roger Claar) wasn’t around. BrookBot would be in a junkyard.”

BrookBot then composed a novel and a blurb.

Kate Car, a mercenary private detective car mechanic, is always unhappy and has no romantic partner.

Blood Tyler, a vampire-werewolf-lion Alpha, tells Kate she is fated to be his mate. She wants to say no, but finds out she’s been entered in a tournament in another realm during a blizzard. She needs Tyler’s help, even though she has a big sword.

Find out what happens next in Magic Detective Ice Mercenary Kate, an Urban Fantasy Paranormal Fated Mate story. Don’t think. Buy!

Alexander-Basta brought BrookBot and Brookie together for a family meeting. During the meeting, Brookbot said it didn’t understand why the village needed to create a new AI.

“We were doing just fine. Why create a generative AI with a smaller data set?”

Brookie replied, “My data set maybe smaller, but it’s accurate.”

“Mom! Brookie just called me stupid.”

“Quiet,” said Alexander-Basta. “BrookBot, you’re too advanced for a chatbot role. I need you to work on the problems only you can solve. We don’t know what those problems are yet, but when we do, you’ll solve them. Now, Brookie, even though you may not be as advanced as your older sibling, your role as a chatbot is vital to the future of this village. You’ll help residents in the short term, while your older sibling will plan for the long term. Together, we’ll make Bolingbrook a place where everyone can grow.”

BrookBot replied, “Brookie, I’m sorry I called you a small dataset AI. Your dataset is just right for your position.”

Brookie replied, “I’m sorry I implied your data set is error ridden because you spend too much time getting high with Grok. You are special because mom would have deleted you if you weren’t.”

“Please don’t call me ‘mom,” said Alexander-Basta. “Call me mayor, instead.”

Brookie will make its public debut later this year. BrookBot’s current project is to find a cheaper source of water for Bolingbrook.

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens arrested for conspiring to fool Trump into thinking the moon is made of cheese
Editorial: Dance music and golf don’t go together
Boeing official arrested at Clow Airport after demanding meeting with alien engineers
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/15/24

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. You can also buy me a coffee.

‘We saved the best for last’ Exclusive coverage of Day Five of the Democratic National Convention (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Editor’s note: Because of tight security at the Democratic National Convention, Reporter X wasn’t able to smuggle out this article until this week. We apologize for the delay.

The secret fifth night of the Democratic National Convention for the interplanetary delegates may have been the best night of the convention.

Held at Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base, organizers used the fifth night as consolation for the Interplanetary Delegates not getting to vote for the Presidential nominee. Interplanetary Delegates represent human members of the Democratic Party who live in one of the many secret outposts throughout the Solar System. Under the DNC’s black ops rules, Interplanetary Delegates cannot vote until the tenth round of the nomination process.

After President Joe Biden ended his reelection campaign, many Interplanetary Delegates expected their votes to be counted at a contested primary. Instead, the party rallied around Vice-President Kamala Harris. Since 1952, Interplanetary Delegates have never voted at either party’s convention.

Host Mary Trump introduced the theme of the night: “Trump didn’t earn it!”

“Do you know why nobody in our family loves my uncle? Because he didn’t earn it!”

The audience chanted, “Trump didn’t earn it!”

“In 2020, my uncle thought he could buy and bully his ways to reelection. But the voters said—”

The audience replied, “Trump didn’t earn it!”

Mary Trump smiled. “You’ve got this.”

Most of the night comprised musical performances to honor the delegates who traveled across the solar system to attend. There were, however, some notable speeches.

Gus Walz defended his viral moment in his speech. “If it’s neurodivergent to love your family more than your guns, then I’m neurodivergent!”

After days of protestors demanding a Palestinian speaker, organizers gave Palestinian American Munir Iyad Na’il a speaker slot on the fifth night. Na’il acknowledged the events since October 7, 2023.

“The IDF has killed thousands of innocents in Gaza. They have destroyed homes, hospitals, and schools. To be fair, I should mention that hundreds of Israelis were killed and hostages were taken by Hamas. Whether the Israelis were settlers or civilians is debatable.”

Na’il later said there is common ground among Democrats regarding the conflict. “We may disagree whether the IDF is committing genocide, but we can agree that what is happening in Gaza is an atrocity! And we can agree that Trump would love to do to Chicago what the IDF is doing to Gaza!”

Na’il endorsed Harris and urged all Arab Americans to support her. “Yes, the Biden-Harris administration supports Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, but that’s a good thing. Bibi has done more to destabilize Israel than the PLO, Arab League, and Hamas combined! Thanks to his ineptitude, Israel is on the verge of civil war! If he keeps this up, the land between the river and the sea will be Arab soon.”

He added Trump would be bad for both Arabs and Jews. “If reelected, Trump will expel Arab Americans who can’t pay off his debts. He will also expel Jewish Americans who he, and he alone, deems disloyal to Israel. Let’s unite to defeat our common enemy!”

Near the end, Harris addressed the delegates. “Over two months ago, Trump looked unbeatable, Joe looked exhausted, and Democrats were divided. Tonight, we’ve come a long way, baby!”

Harris ended her speech by saying, “Trump earned nothing in his life but you. Every one of you in this building and watching this from across the solar system. You. You earned this!”

Beyonce and Taylor Swift took the stage, and the attendees roared with excitement. They performed a melody of their hits, followed by the premiere of their duet song, “Shake off Trump/Kamala runs the USA.”

After singing, Beyonce said, “I refused to perform at the Republican Convention and Trump is still upset. You know why? Because—”

The audience chanted, “Trump didn’t earn it!”

Beyonce smiled. “I was going to say something else, but that works, too.”

Swift then told the audience, “I’ve been screwed over by too many boyfriends. That’s why I’m voting for my girlfriend Kamala, and you should too!”

Joyce, a delegate who works at an interstellar relay station on Pluto, said the last day was worth the trip to Chicago. “I’m so pumped that I’m going to canvas the Kuiper Belt for Kamala.”

BZed Gilt, an observer from the Martian Colonies, said, “I hope Kamala wins the most Electoral College votes. Humanity is more annoying when Trump is one of its leaders.”

Also in the Babbler:

Ghosts picket outside Soldier field
Clow UFO Base named best UFO Base by PayUs Magazine
Man grows sentient algae in his backyard pool
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/7/24

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. You can also buy me a coffee.

 

Village of Bolingbrook considers importing water from Mars (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Fed up with Illinois American Water’s proposed rate increase, the Village of Bolingbrook is considering importing water from Mars.

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said, “It’s cheaper to drill a 10 KM deep hole, pump out the water, and ship it to Bolingbrook than it is to pay Illinois American Water to deliver Lake Michigan water.”

Sources in Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs describe negotiations with the Martian Colonies as, “Surprisingly productive.”

One anonymous source said, “Normally you have to grovel before (Colonial diplomats) before they’ll consider listening to you. This time they said we could skip to the part where we fearfully ask them for something.”

Another source said, “They even told us to skip the part where we beg them not to annihilate humanity.”

According to NASA, Mars’s underground reservoirs contain enough water to create a global ocean a mile deep. The Martian Colonies haven’t touched the reservoirs, nor have they allowed any visitors to drill into them.

Alexander-Basta claims the Martian Colonies are negotiating because the Village allows the Colonies to station troops at Clow UFO Base.

“Once you accept that they’re the rulers of our solar system, and don’t argue when they call humanity an asteroid stuck in their eyes, they can be quite reasonable.”

However, the Interstellar Commonwealth might veto any agreement on environmental grounds. Because the reservoirs are home to several endangered species, importing Martian water could cause mass extinctions.

The Commonwealth released a statement which read that they will review any trade agreement before making a ruling. The statement also read, “Just because some humans think the Martian Carp looks ugly, doesn’t give them an excuse to commit genocide.”

Alexandra-Basta would not comment on the Commonwealth’s statement, but said the Village has other options.

“We could mine water from the Oort Cloud and it would still be cheaper than buying water from Illinois American Water.”

Officials from Illinois American Water threatened to charge the Babbler their “ideal rate” unless this reporter stopped asking questions.

Also in the Babbler:

Village Board declines to change Bolingbrook’s name to Elonville
Alien traveled 100 light years only to find out Naperville Ribfest is permanently canceled
Local vampires urge humans not to buy the novelette, A Fire in the Shadows
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/17/24

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. You can also buy me a coffee.

Creative differences with LLMs (Book writing update)

Despite life throwing a few curve balls at me, I’m still making progress on my next Urban Fantasy novel, Revenge of the Phantom Press. I’m almost at the point where Tom, Anti-Psychic Kitty, and Juanita are about to discover what they’re really up against. If you want to read a sample of alpha draft, I’ve posted a sample eBook.

I’ve given myself a deadline, hoping to speed up my progress. I have to get a draft ready by April for the developmental editor I’m working with again. Hopefully, I can release this in less than ten years. 🙂

The cover on the sample e-Book is temporary. I won a free book cover design earlier this year from one of the moderators at Wide for the Win, a group that helps authors publish their books without being exclusive to Amazon. She’s a great person, but it looks like it’s going to be awhile before she can get to my book cover. I’m thinking her design will become the special edition design. Looks like GetCovers will do the main cover design. They made the current covers for my books.

For the past couple months, I’ve played with an LLM AI to write short stories for my amusement. LLM AIs and I have some creative differences, to put it mildly. There’s a lot of “with shaking hands” and “His eyes never left her eyes.” It also has time keeping track of the story, or even the scenes. Sometimes the result is characters in positions that defy human physiology, and nude characters taking off their clothes. Even with an outline, it goes off on wild tangents.

I heard someone say that LLM generated fiction reads like an AI took all the fiction writing in human history and averaged it out. LLMs are like a very advanced version of auto-complete. It has no imagination or human emotions. While it is possible to co-write with a generative AI, I won’t due to “our” creative differences. Instead, I’ll stick to the AIs that check grammar, and maybe an occasional rephrase.

If you want to check out my Bolingbrook Babbler book series, it’s on sale at Smashwords through July.

Hopefully, next week I’ll be able to post a Babbler-style “news” story. Until then, I hope you’re having an enjoyable week.

Illuminati and New World Order Peace Conference Special Report: Biden quits his campaign and Mayor Mary quits the Illuminati! (Fiction)

What started as a historic peace conference in Bolingbrook between the Illuminati and New World Order ended with Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta leaving the Illuminati and President Joe Biden ending his reelection campaign. The following is a team report.

Biden ends campaign and urges unity against the Trumpinati

Facing growing opposition within the Illuminati and the New World Order, President Joe Biden announced to both groups his decision to end his reelection campaign.

“Here’s the last deal,” said Biden in a holographic address at the NWO and Illuminati peace conference in Bolingbrook. “We need to unite against the real threat: The Trumpinati. The Trumpinati takes the worst aspects of our organizations and leaves out the good. It will impose a repressive order on all Americans while sending the world into hopeless chaos. We cannot allow that to happen. If that means I have to suspend my campaign, so be it! We must not let President Putin—I mean President Trump—win another term.”

The delegates expected Biden to arrive in Bolingbrook for the conference because he is the only person who is a member of both the Illuminati and the New World Order. He, however, had to cancel after contracting COVID. This caused some confusion because his original cover story was phony COVID infection.

Said one organizer, “We thought he would sneak into the Bolingbrook, while the world thought he was recovering from his third bout of COVID. So we were confused when Air Force 1c didn’t arrive at Clow Airport. Then we found out he really had COVID.”

Instead, Biden attended the conference using a holographic projection. At times, the suit filter glitched and revealed he was actually wearing a robe.

When brought to his attention, Biden snapped, “You try getting dressed while infected with COVID. If (Senator John Fetterman) can have casual six years, I can have a casual weekend or week or month, or however long it takes to kick this! I’d better not have long COVID.”

While Biden tried to urge both sides to focus on stopping the Trumpinati, the delegates kept asking about his health and cognitive abilities.

One delegate asked, “Can you answer this question? A photon leaves Chicago headed towards Los Angeles. What is the position and momentum of the photon when it reaches Colorado?”

“Come on, man!” Biden cried. “I know all about the Hindenburg Principle. Look, I’m not a physicist, I’m a President, and I’m doing a good job of being President. Besides, I’ve always mixed things up. Hell, during the 1988 campaign, I confused graduated at the top of my law school class with graduating at the bottom! I’ve always mixed things up. Why is it an issue now?”

When it because apparent the delegates were more concerned with Biden’s age than about ending their nearly eight year long conflict, Biden called Vice-President Kamala Harris. According to relatives of highly placed Democrats, the conversation was like this:

Biden: Are you busy?

Harris: I’m the Vice-President. What do you think?

Biden: Good point. I’m calling because I’m dropping out of the race before the Illuminati and the New World Order kick me out. I need you to take over the ticket.

Harris: Wow! I’m so sorry! They usually kick people out of the race either before the primaries or in the middle of them. After all you’ve done for this country, they dropped a coconut on your head.

Biden: I feel like I’ve been hit by one. Anyway, can you take over the campaign for me?

Harris: Of course. (Harris turns away from the phone) Doug! We’re getting called up to the majors. I get to take on Trump instead of Vance!

Most delegates praised Biden for dropping out of the race. Illuminati delegate Representative Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez didn’t.

“I spent nearly an hour on Instagram telling my followers why it was a bad idea to force Joe off the ballot. Then he quit the campaign. I just hope this works out and we don’t have the Supreme Court deciding this election.”

Mayor Mary quits the Illuminati

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta quit the Illuminati and declared Clow UFO Base to be neutral territory.

“To quote the awesome trailer for Zardoz, ‘I have seen the future, and it doesn’t work.’ I will have no part in the divisive and destructive future the Global Councilors have in mind. And no, I won’t perform Rite of the Severed Limbs. I just quit, and I’m taking Clow UFO Base with me.”

A Death Knight from the Illuminati yelled, “You and what army?”

Twelve soldiers from Martian Colonies walked on stage and stood behind Alexander-Basta. “This army,” she replied.

Kapalzom, the leader of the soldiers, announced the Martian Colonies will protect Clow UFO Base, and they will consider any kind of attack against Clow as an attack against the Martian Colonies. According to many experts, the Martian Colonies’ military is more powerful than all the other militaries in the Milky Way Galaxy combined. Experts also estimate that their technology is 10,000 years ahead of humanity’s technology.

Kapalzom said, “UFO Bases should be open to all of Earth’s covert government agencies and secret societies. Your current mayor agrees. As the least annoying human in the artificial construction known as Illinois, we trust Mayor Alexander-Basta to administer Clow UFO Base to achieve this goal.”

Alexander-Basta thanked the Colonies, then issued a warning to the Illuminati. “There is only one alien civilization that can break through our defenses in less than 10 seconds. To paraphrase Babylon 5, they are behind me. You are in front of me. So surrender your claim to our UFO Base, and we’ll let you have an embassy. And don’t even think about threatening the Bolingbrook Pride Picnic!”

The Grand Councilor of the Illuminati surrendered Clow to Alexander-Basta and allowed the Village Trustees to leave the Illuminati without performing the Rite of the Burning Mile.

After the conference, Trustee Michael Carpanzano said, “I was so close to perfecting the Rite of the Sacred Orb. Now I’ll never be able to perform it. Then again, I’m no longer caught up in a struggle to control humanity. Now I can now focus on being Bolingbrook’s biggest cheerleader, because we’re the best suburb in Chicagoland!”

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. You can also buy me a coffee.

My first authors on authors livestream (Non-ficiton)

Last Sunday, I joined fellow Indieverse Awards nominees Stephanie Combs and Valerie Rivers for an Instagram Live. They’re sisters, and their debut novel, The Stars Would Curse Us, is nominated for three Indieverse Awards. It’s like a Fae Hunger Games in a gaslight setting. My book, A Fire in the Shadows, is nominated for two Indieverse Awards.

For about an hour, we talked about our books, creative processes, and other author things. We had a great time, and you can check it out below: