Governor Ron DeSantis diverts thousands of Betelgeuse refugees to Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis diverted over 150,000 Betelgeuse refugees to Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base. Clow officials confirmed that is far more refugees than Clow can safely shelter.

At a press conference with members of the interstellar media, Clow officials accused DeSantis of refusing to house any refugees in their 5 Floridian bases. They also produced communication logs proving that DeSantis never contacted Clow officials about his planned diversion.

Sofia Z. Hernandez, Director of Refugee Affairs for Clow, denounced DeSantis’s diversion of refugee transports: “He did this to trigger people. Well, I am triggered. Not by the overwhelming number of refugees he sent to us, but by his incredible incompetence!”

Many refugees claim DeSantis promised them that Clow would provide them with free human suits, free meals, and jobs.

“This governor human said Bolingbrook was a land of blue milk and green honey,” said Klego, a refugee with three children. “Instead, we were received by crews yelling obscenities and saying we were given counterfeit chips. All because DeSantis  didn’t want us landing in his arbitrary political district.”

Lopost, a starship commander, is furious with DeSantis: “We have been through so much trauma. My wife was incinerated when she tried to rescue one more of our eggs. I was barely able to pilot my ship through the shockwave. My passengers are in shock. We are suffering, and this DeSantis human used us as currency to fuel his own political base. We are living beings, not invaders. We were going to share our cold fusion technology with humanity, but not any more.”

Though DeSantis is a member of the Illuminati, the leadership denies sanctioning the diversion.

“(Ron DeSantis) has some balls to try and inflict chaos on our sacred society,” said US Master Councilor Graphite Fire. “We need to maintain good relations with the Interstellar Commonwealth if we want to gain control of all of Earth’s UFO Bases. Ron’s stunt is damaging our galactic reputation. We look like bumbling sociopaths, not bringers of righteous chaos! He will pay for this.”

Clow officials released a recording of a conversation between Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta and Governor DeSantis, which included this tense exchange:

Alexander-Basta: You should have called us before diverting all these refugees to Clow. You know we have a process for dealing with refugees, right?

DeSantis: I don’t care. I saw an opportunity to make little people like you squirm at all the icky aliens polluting your base!

Alexander-Basta: They’re not icky!

DeSantis: Then why are you complaining?

Alexander-Basta: Because we thought you were going to honor your commitment to house these refugees.

DeSantis: Illegals.

Alexander-Basta: Refugees. They’re here legally. Now if you had told us you were diverting them here, we would have been better prepared. Fortunately, other visitors are volunteering to help, along with the students in Humanoid Corrective Learning. We’re coming to together to help—

DeSantis: But you’re also complaining—

Alexander-Basta: I’m complaining about the mess you made.

DeSantis: I don’t create messes. I create problems for my opponents to make me look better. Now you better change your attitude, miss, because I’m going to be the President.

Alexander-Basta: Seriously? You’re being inhumane because—

DeSantis: Because that’s what excites human Republican voters! While Donald is bumbling in court, I’m actively screwing over undesirables. The moment he’s indicted, he’ll be revealed as a sick bumbling fool, while I’m the man who has total control of Florida — Because I’m presenting myself as a man actively harming the undesirables. I know how to destroy democracies in less than one term in office. I am the Florida government, and I hurt, arrest, threaten, humiliate, and destroy anyone in the name of entertaining my supporters. So you’d better start sucking up to me before I start sucking the life out of your village! 

Alexander-Basta: What is it about Florida that brings out the worst in men?

DeSantis: Unlimited power, but I’ll make sure you never have that.

Alexander-Basta: I can’t hear you. We have a bad connection. You need to come to my office and say that to my face.

*DeSantis ends the call*

DeSantis could not be reached for comment. 

The ambassadors from Mercury and Venus confirmed that they will house most of the refugees, and Clow should resume normal traffic in a week or two.

Also in the Babbler:

Interstellar court rules Rep. Sean Casten’s re-election campaign is not a slanderous attack against Keith Pekau
SAFE-T Act does not allow aliens to eat police officers
Weredeer endorse Catalina Lauf against Rep. Bill Foster
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/21/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

The Rift is on sale this week (Non-Fiction)

Cover of The Rift

The Rift is on sale.

From now until the end of Friday, you can get the eBook version of The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story for $.99.

The Rift is an urban fantasy/sci-fi novel inspired by the Deep Rifts/Elevatorgate. A public rift has erupted within the atheist/skeptical movement. Pro-social justice skeptics are rallying to form Humanist Heart as a progressive alternative two the two establishment organizations. Mens Rights Activists and so-called moderates are rallying against what they claim is a feminist takeover of “their” movement.  Blogger Tom Larsen is a rising star known for his posts portraying “modern feminists” as a threat to the movement. He’s secretly mad at progressive podcaster Jamie Kyle for a video that indirectly criticized his behavior towards her at a convention. On the verge of becoming a full-fledged MRA, Tom discovers that Jamie and Humanist Heart will be in his hometown of Bolingbrook for a special congress. Tom is so desperate to confront Jamie that he’s willing to ally with  the Babbler, the local tabloid known for its wild paranormal claims about Bolingbrook.

But Tom’s worldview is shattered when his test assignment for the Babbler ends when a weredeer attacks him and he wakes up inside Clow UFO Base. The movement he defeated is built on a public lie. As Tom Lear not he truth, MRA protesters menacingly rally outside the congress. A weredeer army gathers outside of Bolingbrook. Time rifts open throughout Bolingbrook and the aliens have an assignment for Tom. Tom needs answers.  The Babbler and Jamie are the only ones who can help him. Can Tom get past his rage and face the unbelievable truth about the movement and himself before the rift unleashes a dark future for humanity?

Find out in The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story.

Cheney family honored at Rochelle’s Hub 35 UFO Base (Fiction)

It’s been a while since we featured an article from one of our sister publications. This week’s article comes from the Illinois Rochelle Reader.

During a special ceremony at Hub 35 UFO Base, the New World Order honored the Cheney family for their “pioneering work dismantling democracy in the name of democracy.”

Host Rep. Adam Kinzinger started off by praising former Vice-president Dick Cheney: “There was once a time the former Vice-president was considered the evilest human in the solar system. You know the reasons: Torture, stretching the truth in order to invade Iraq, botching the response to Katrina, ruling from the shadows, turning a blind eye to voter suppression in Ohio, and so on. Thirteen years later, he hasn’t changed, but the world has. Today, he’s considered a defender of democracy due to his daughter! Dick is proof that if you live long enough, you can become the hero.”

The former Vice-president proudly accepted the first certificate before addressing the audience: “Quite frankly, I’m surprised I’m still alive, but it must mean God’s not finished with me… Which means I’m not finished with the world.”

Former VP Chaney also acknowledged that he was speaking on 9/11. “Yeah, I shouldn’t have expected the President to pay attention to the daily intelligence brief. And the President reading The Pet Goat wasn’t the best visual. He knew I had things under control, but he could have pretended he was urgently needed. But it worked out in the end. We ended up with secret search warrants, mass surveillance, and two profitable wars for our friends. Thanks to the fear and anger caused by 9/11, the right people were in charge.”

The former VP then slammed former President Donald Trump: “He’s a  clueless amateur who has squandered all of our advancements. We were on the verge of a new world order, and he unleashed global chaos because there is no international crime he won’t commit! He had, and still has, no vision. He used our supporters’ anger to storm the capitol. We used it to destroy (The Chicks.) He’s so bad even the Illuminati kicked him out.”

Representative Liz Cheney graciously accepted her certificate: “After the insurrection, I sincerely thought Trump was going down. So I moved to reclaim my family’s rightful place as leaders of the Republican Party. That didn’t go quite as planned. It was painful to admit to myself that I wasn’t the kind of Chaney who could shoot someone in the face, and then have them apologize to the media for getting in the way of my bullet.”

Representative Cheney added that she isn’t finished: “I’m going to make a lot of money speaking out against Trump, and running a futile campaign against him. And then I’m going to invest that money on an oil rig on Europa. With the sole drilling rights on Europa, I’ll be the next Elon Musk, and ‘the Donald’ will regret the day he tried to kill me!”

Mary Cheney accepted her certificate and denounced Trump’s homophobic followers: “I worked hard for my wife, my children, my corporate jobs, and everything else a Cheney is entitled to. I will not be canceled by the Karens and Kens of the world who don’t know the difference between a pedophile and a pedagogue! The New World Order wants a world run by the right people pretending to be kinder and gentler than other autocrats. We may be down, but we’re not out, and we will rise again. E pluribus unum! Out of many, one, and we are the right ones.”

She also added that she looked forward to the day the NWO recaptured Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base from the Illuminati.

When called, a receptionist for Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said, “Oh my God. The Babbler metastasized!”  

In the background, a young woman said, “Good news! Mark Leslie has agreed to write A Canadian Werewolf in Bolingbrook series. Now we’ve got a chance to recoup the losses from that Bolingbrook history book.”

A man replied: “I have good news too. Thanks to my positive thinking, and with a little help from the IT Department, I have made contact with the TikTok algorithm! We’ll dominate Booktok and hit the bestseller lists.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes. Watch. TikTok? How do we make a video go viral?”

A digital voice replied: “Make short videos. Make long videos. Do page flips. Don’t do page flips. Share on Instagram. Don’t share on Instagram. Share with your friends first. Share everywhere! Show your face! Use trending sounds. Use your own voice! Music! Music Music and silence! Don’t show your face. Delete Bots. Embrace your bots! Remove my logo! Don’t remove my logo. Follow everyone. Follow no one. Follow who you want to see. Follow who I want you to see. Community Guideline Violation! You lose!”

“I could have told you that,” said the woman.

Also in the Rochelle Reader:

Village board rejects funding for 9000-foot Trump statue
Aliens buzz residents with hypersonic golf carts
Walmart withdraws offer to buy Rochelle but not UHC
God to bless Rochelle on 9/17/22

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Brand new covers and a new audiobook.

Big book updates this week. First, the audiobook version of Pathways to Bolingbrook is out now. It’s narrated by Rachanee Lumayno and you can hear a sample here. It should be on Amazon by the end of the month. I’m really pleased with it, and I hope you’ll give it a try.

To celebrate, I’m also debuting new covers for both of my books,  Pathways, and The Rift. The eBook and paperback version are available now at Amazon, and other vendors. You can even ask your local bookstore to order copies, and they won’t have to go through Amazon to get either one. If you like Urban Fantasy mixed with science fiction with a dash of humanism, give them a try!

The cover of Pathways to Bolingbrook

Cover of The Rift

I’ve got more releases in the works, including the third book in the series. Watch this space.

 

New book covers and the Pathways to Bolingbrook Audiobook (Non-Fiction)

I have book news!

First, the new audiobook version of Pathways to Bolingbrook will be out in September. Rachanee Lumayno is the narrator for this audiobook, and her work is far better than the auto-narrated version I had online. I’ll post links once I have them.

Second, I’m revising the covers for Pathways and The Rift so it’s clear they’re part of the same series. At the very least, the new Pathways will debut on September 1st. Here’s a sneak peek:

You can see it first if you subscribe to my author newsletter.

Third, I’m putting together two eBooks that will be newsletter exclusives. The first is a collection of pre-FtB Babbler and the second is a short story that is a direct sequel to Pathways. I’m shooting for a late-September or October release.

The next novel is in the outline stage, and I hope to start writing the first draft in November, if not sooner.

Web Exclusive: Chinese subterranean marines surface in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

A Chinese subterrene crewed by Chinese marines surfaced in Bolingbrook’s Americana Estates subdivision.

Dena, who asked that we not use her last name, claims she first saw a giant drill emerging from a vacant lot. She stated: “I was shocked. Then I thought it must be a tunneling drill, which meant we were getting an L stop! Then I saw the Chinese flag emblem on the side, and got worried.”

Peter Z. Lee, a new Bolingbrook resident, also saw the drilling vehicle emerge: “At first I thought the village was serious about tunneling, but then I saw the Chinese flag and the markings. That thing was with part of the PLA’s First Subterranean brigade.  I feared we were being invaded!”

According to Dena and other eyewitnesses, the craft rolled out of the hole and towards them. A hatch opened, and a marine armed with a QBZ-95 popped out. Most of the eyewitnesses fled when the marine started to point his gun.

Lee decided to stand in front of the drill. Instead of being shot, the marine looked around, then lowered his rifle. According to Lee, the marine said it didn’t look like they were in Taiwan. Lee replied that they were in Bolingbrook. The marine smiled and replied he was from Xuchang City, which is one of Bolingbrook’s sister cities.

“For a moment, I felt a weird brotherly bond with him. Then I remembered that technically, he had just invaded the US.”

The marine then pulled out a cell phone and told someone that they sent him the wrong coordinates.

“We’re supposed to be working together. I know it’s a war game, but how are we supposed to pull off the greatest amphibious invasion in history if you can’t tell the difference between the US and that occupied island?” 

After the call, the marine told Lee he would let him live if he promised not to tell the news media what happened.  Lee agreed, adding that he didn’t consider the Babbler news media. The subterrene then drove back into the hole and sealed the opening. Lee added that a Bolingbrook cleanup team arrived and restored the lot.

The Chinese consulate in Chicago released a statement saying the antipode of Bolingbrook is under the Indian Ocean and offered to provide “alternative news stories” to the Babbler.

A receptionist for Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said she was in an important meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer, said: “I’m only doing this so you’ll stop volunteer-shaming me.”

A woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta replied, “Whatever. This is an emergency, thanks to Amazon’s e-book return policy. I. Need. Your. Help.”

“I knew you could say it. So I just started a Zoom session with the goddess of self-publishing and self-marketing: Joanna Penn.”

Penn replied, “Thanks, but we need to get down to business. So, thanks to TikTok, you’re losing money on your book, Bolingbrook Does Have a History, correct?”

“Unfortunately,” Alexander-Basta replied.

“Fortunately, in self-publishing, it’s never too late to revive book sales. Now, how many sites is it on, besides Amazon?”

“There are other book sites?”

“Oh yes, but we’ll get to that later. Since it’s on Amazon, what Amazon categories is it listed under?”

“Categories?”

“That means Amazon selected them for you. We’ll work on that. Next, what keywords did you select?”

“‘Bolingbrook?’ I don’t know. It was published before I joined the board.”

“Fair enough. What’s your permafree book?”

“Permafree?”

“The free book you offer to entice readers to buy the rest of the books in the series.”

“Series?”

“Yes. The title says this is volume one. How many volumes do you have?”

“One.”

“That’s not good. When are you going to publish the next volume?”

“Probably 2065, since that will be Bolingbrook’s 100th anniversary.”

“Oh, that’s way too long to release the second book.”

“But that’s when Bolingbrook will have enough of a history to fill a second volume.”

“I suppose, but most self-publishers need to release more than one book before they turn a profit. So if you insist on waiting 43 years to publish the next book, you should consider publishing prequels or a parallel series. For that matter, how many people subscribe to your author newsletter?”

“None. Look, is there anything you can do now to help?”

“I might be able to optimize the ebook formatting to… Oh, dear. It’s all scanned images of newsletters and newspaper clippings.”

“Is that going to be a problem?”

“Yes. We have a lot of work to do.”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Jared Kushner’s laptop appears in Bolingbrook then disappears (Fiction)

Did former Presidential advisor Jared Kushner lose his laptop at a Bolingbrook restaurant? Computer repair person Joel X. Parker claims a waiter working at one of Bolingbrook’s restaurants gave it to him:

“He said Jared left it at his table.  It had a gold-plated casing and Jared’s name was engraved on it. Seemed legit.”

According to Parker, the waiter paid him to wipe the hard drive so he could use it himself. Parker denies he tried to hack into the laptop but admits he accessed it:

“As a joke, I typed ‘Jared’ in the password field. I didn’t realize it really was his password.”

Parker claims the laptop contained records of questionable financial dealings, and messages about illicit activities. As proof, Parker provided the Babbler alleged email exchanges with Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman over the assassination of Jamal Khashoggi. 

In one email, MBS wrote: “One of my associates was a bit too enthusiastic when I told him to deal with that reporter. Can you deal with your father-in-law? Otherwise, it would be a shame to stop doing business with our favorite customer.”

Kushner replied, “I don’t know if I can fit it into my very busy schedule as the best Presidential advisor. I’m so busy that I don’t have time to think about that satanic building I bought.”

MBS wrote a long reply which concluded with this offer: “If you find it in your oh so busy schedule to put in a good word for me, you might find yourself with a big B in the near future.”

Kushner sent a short reply: “Make it 2 Bs and I might send you an attachment about our anti-matter bomb program.”

Parker also showed an alleged email from Ivanka Trump. “Daddy says I’m no longer his favorite Trump. I’m telling on him!”

Before Parker could copy the entire contents of the hard drive, Kushner allegedly arrived at his shop with Bolingbrook police officers. Kushner, according to Parker, threatened to have compromising pictures of Parker, “found” on Hunter Biden’s stolen laptop. Parker surrendered the computer.

“I suppose I should feel lucky they didn’t cancel me, but I will always wonder what else is on that laptop.”

The Babbler could not afford Kushner’s interview fee and did not receive a comment from him.

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said she was in an important meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta, said: “Young lady, you have a lot of explaining to do. Why did you buy and return several copies of the Village’s ebook? You can get free copies from our library.”

“I’m sticking it to Amazon by taking advantage of their ebook return policy. They lost money because of me!”

“They didn’t lose money. We did because the village still has to pay the delivery fee for the books you returned, and they won’t waive that fee unless we enroll in their Kindle Unlimited program. In other words, you were extorting the Village on behalf of Amazon!”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook to require licensing of all psychics
FBI denies raiding the Bolingbrook Golf Club
Atheist missionaries annoy Bolingbrook residents
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/25/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Mayor denies aliens access to Saturday’s Taste of Bolingbrook event (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Despite numerous interstellar diplomatic protests, Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta banned aliens from attending the Taste of Bolingbrook on Saturday, August, 13. Instead, aliens will be encouraged to attend the Taste of Clow UFO Base to be held on the same day.

“The Bolingbrook Chamber of Commerce is expecting 10,000 people to attend this year’s event,” said Alexander-Basta at a press conference with interstellar news organizations. “So, we want to make sure as many humans as possible can taste Bolingbrook. I mean have a taste of Bolingbrook.”

Alexander-Basta then encouraged all alien visitors to Bolingbrook to attend the Taste of Clow UFO Base instead. According to Alexander-Basta, alien visitors will have more fun if they stay on the base:

“We have so many things planned for our esteemed guests. The WeatherTech Restaurant will offer free samples of their new lightning bar desserts, made from rich recycled plastic with chips of discarded battery charger parts. Yummy. But there’s more. Clow’s most famous chef, Joshie Berger, will be serving his super-well-done burger with blackened grilled cheese. It sounds like the worst, but it’s actually the first. Um, you might want to rework that slogan, Joshie… Anyway, I left out the best part. A certain former trustee will be taking time off from her record-breaking interstellar tour to read Bolingbrook event announcements live! And that’s not all!”

Alexander-Basta added that there would be extra Men in Blue at the Taste of Bolingbrook and cloaked drones will scan all attendees for traces of alien DNA. She warned that any alien captured at the event would face “severe consequences.”

Zokgot, a visitor from Ross Confederacy, was disappointed by the announcement. He said: “I was looking forward to consuming a slice of Nancy’s Pizza dipped in Mora’s Miso Soup and topped with Andy’s Custard. I guess I will have to fly over to (Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base) if I want to sample Earth food.”

Alexander-Basta could not be reached for comment.  A receptionist said she was with a “very important visitor” and that they were taking part in a conference call about a “secret project.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar said: “So if buy over a thousand ISBNs, it will come out to about $1.50 per ISBN?”

Another man replied: “Absolutely. And for slightly more we can throw—”

“Then why can’t you just charge $1.50 for all ISBNs? Hell, I could publish my memoir in Canada and get a free ISBN there.”

“But you can’t publish your memoir in Canada because you live in the best country in the world. So you have to deal with us.”

“That’s better. Let’s make a deal.”

“Sure. You’ll pay us $125 for one ISBN. However, if you pay us $295 for ten ISBNs, I can throw in a barcode for $25.  Since you’re obviously new to self-publishing, I can also have an AI scan your manuscript for only $99.99. Or why list your book for free on Books2Read when you can have it listed on Book2look for only $49.95? That’s—”

“Outrageous! How dare you try to rip me off. Don’t you know who I am?”

“You’re a person who has no choice but to deal with Bowker.”

Also in the Babbler:

Village of Long Grove considers approving a weapon of mass slaughter/gun store
Rep. Bill Foster building a rocket car to help him tour his new district
UFO lands in Bolingbrook after colliding with a Long March booster
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/11/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Article on leaders of the New Atheist movement spreading white nationalist ‘Great Replacement’ myth. (Link)

“The Great Replacement” is the white nationalist myth that whites are being replaced by minorities, either through a conspiracy, or because declining birth rates among whites. It’s embodied in the infamous Charlottesville chant, “Jews will not replace us.” EIYNAH at OnlySky recently posted an article about some leaders of the New Atheist Movement promoting this “theory”:

 

One of his books, The Strange Death of Europe (guess what is causing this ‘death’: Muslim mass migration and low birth rates) Received praise from neo-Nazi group Generation Identity, it was also recommended on white nationalist hate-site Stormfront and has made an appearance on other racist and white nationalist reading lists. If that wasn’t enough, it was also promoted on Facebook by far-right Hungarian prime minister Viktor Orban, and also received high praise from Sam Harris (“wonderful,” “very witty,” “fantastic book,” “beautiful read”).

Harris is not only a long-time defender and promoter of Douglas Murray but has contributed to the normalizing of great replacement themes through his own content as well. I was once a fan of Harris’s and have spent the past few years feeling terrible about that, a fact I explore in a miniseries in more detail. But to sum it up, once I started feeling uneasy with some of his content and associations, I hoped that much of it could be chalked up to ignorance or his not having the time to delve into some of the characters he was promoting.

I could not have been more wrong.

It’s a long post, but worth reading. I agree with her that atheism doesn’t make a person immune to racist or sexist thinking. Many atheists expect religious followers to speak out against their toxic leaders. We shouldn’t be afraid to do the same to the prominent faces of atheism.

It’s a theme I also touch on in my latest novel.

I just started following Eiynah, and I look forward to her future posts.

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.