Wereskunks promise not to disrupt Bolingbrook’s garbage forum (Fiction)

Bolingbrook’s wereskunks promised not to disrupt the public forum on garbage collection to be held on March, 26 at 6 PM at the Bolingbrook Community Center.

“Mayor Claar has assured us that we will be safe at this forum,” said Jacob Z. Porter, president of the Bolingbrook Wereskunk Service Organization. In return, we promised not to release a defensive scent whenever someone threatens our cousins.”

Porter said that their members hope to address many misunderstandings that residents have about skunks.

“Our cousins eat almost anything.  They help reduce the number of bugs in Bolingbrook.  Humans hate bugs, right?  They’re also the first line of defense against vicious bees.  Never been attacked by a swarm of bees?  Thank our cousins.  When the killer bees come to Bolingbrook, our cousin will protect you.  Will Bolingbrook protect our cousins?”

Doug, who refused to give his last name, called the proposed garbage toters an act of “genocide” against Bolingbrook’s skunk population.  “Garbage toters deprive our cousins of food.  Residents would rather waste food than give their scraps to our hungry cousins.  Village Hall will spend money to attract more restaurants to Bolingbrook, but when our cousins are hungry, (Mayor Roger Claar) says he hopes they freeze to death over the winter.  After all, wereskunks have done for Bolingbrook, this is how your government thanks to our cousins.  We will not descend into the mud with Roger, but we will respond to the village’s hatred towards us.”

Matt X. Larson, a member of Bolingbrook Residents Against Animal Air Polluters, said he was glad the wereskunks will have a peaceful presence at the meeting, but he said his group still supports garbage toters:  “They tear open our garbage bags, spread litter on our yards, and stink up our neighborhoods.  I can’t wait to tell these wereskunks that garbage toters are as American as apple pie and assault rifles!  Don’t ask me what I think about Roger.”

Doug disagreed:  “What residents call littering, we call artistic expression.  If the village had smart leadership, they would take pictures of our cousins’ works and sell them on the art market.  The village would have a budget surplus in no time.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was mentoring someone and could not be disturbed.  She added, “I think its great that you are promoting this important public meeting.  We have some great toter prototypes to show our residents.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Okay, Charlene, you’ll be on press release duty Tuesday.  I’m giving you a pop quiz.”

“I’m ready.”

“The race between Bruce Rauner and Jeanne Ives is too close to call.”

“It is now up to God to decide who will represent the Republican party in the general election.  Whomever God decides on, our party must come together to fight the Chicago Democratic Machine and their extremist candidate for governor.”

“Bruce Rauner wins in a landslide.”

“Four years ago, the voters decided that Illinois should be run like a business and elected Bruce Rauner.  The Cook County Democrats in the state house are still acting like politicians.  It’s time for all God-fearing Illinoisans to come together to help our boss fire those slackers and make our state profitable.”

“Jeanne Ives wins in a landslide.”

“As a supporter of an organization inspired by God, and as a natural-born citizen, a married father, and someone who goes to church almost every Sunday, I know the power of miracles.  Tonight’s victory was a miraculous event.  Today, my faith in God is stronger than ever.  I hope all Illinois residents will come together and vote for His chosen candidate.”

“Close enough.”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens finally allowed to visit Beggars Pizza in Bolingbrook
UFO crew refuses to place Jeanne Ives sign on craft
Claar decides to ban anti-matter bombs without consulting trustees
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/21/18

Clow UFO Base withstands snowstorm (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Officials at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base praised their ability to remain operational, despite getting nearly a foot of snow over the weekend.

“The Chicagoland airports canceled fights, but our unofficial motto is ‘we never close!’” said one official. “OK, we did cancel an ice cream social, but we’re a UFO Base, not an ice cream parlor!”

Xopolx, a resident of the Trappist system, praised the staff of Clow UFO Base for how they handled the storm: “We were nice and warm. There were no supply shortages, and I was able to conduct my business here without any issues. Oh, I’m also supposed to say thanks to Mayor Roger Claar, but I don’t know why. Silly human rules I guess.”

No flights were canceled, though some aliens reported difficulties landing at Clow. Oglock, a resident of the Kapteyn system, said his crew missed the landing pad entirely: “When we were approaching Earth, our sensors detected a car flying through space. We thought our sensors were faulty, so we turned them off. Now we know it was that Tesla car a billionaire launched into orbit. Anyway, we attempted a visual approach to Bolingbrook. We saw an area with paved streets, and we thought that was a landing spot. It turns out it was the mayor’s subdivision. When Roger approached our ship, we thought we were going to get the royal treatment. Instead, he swore at us and told us to get off his lawn. At least he gave us directions to Clow after threatening to blow up our ship.”

Some aliens were amused at the way Bolingbrook’s residents handled the storm: “I loved sitting in the cloaked observation tower watching all the cars spin out on Weber and Boughton roads,” said Gopol, a resident of Pluto. “Our winters last for centuries, our atmosphere freezes, and our planet turns into a ball of ice. Yes, I said planet. Deal with it.”

Some aliens tried to help out Bolingbrook residents. Keloko, who did not identify her planet of origin, said she tried to clear off some streets with a heat ray: “The men in blue stopped me and said I was breaking the rules. I told them I was trying to help, and the men said the plows would take care of the street. When I asked where were they, the men said they had to handle the important streets first. I think all streets matter, but whatever.”

Keloko said she was allowed to deliver supplies to residents who were stuck at home: “One said I was an angel and asked how she could repay me. I said she should go to the Bolingbrook United fundraiser on February 13 and support a party that would try to keep all the streets clear. She said if that’s what God wanted her to do, then she would do it. I guess human superstitions can be useful.”

In an email to the Babbler, Claar wrote, “Snow will be removed when it is removed like it has been since I’ve been in charge. There is no reason to change. Now is the time to unite behind the Bolingbrook First Party and me. It is easy to whine. It takes effort to make wine!”

Web Exclusive: The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2018 (Fiction)

Will Obama save the world in 2018?

Once again, our psychics nailed their predictions for 2017. Trump survived his first term. Mayor Roger Claar was in a tight election, which he won. Jay Cutler left the Bears, and President Donald Trump had an inauguration so rough that the White House had to lie about it.

Sure, some of the more skeptical bloggers on Freethought Blogs will point out our errors and the things we missed. Chicago didn’t become a part of Canada, and we didn’t predict our move to this blog network.

Predicting the future isn’t an exact science. Still, we think our psychics did a good job, and we hope you will consider their visions for the new year. At least this year, they were able to wake up from their trances without screaming in horror!

So here are our predictions for 2018:

***

During the Winter Olympics, Trump will decide to launch a nuclear attack. After entering the codes, a message from former President Barack Obama will appear.

“Donald! I knew you couldn’t resist the opportunity to use our nuclear weapons. So, I took the liberty of keeping the real nuclear football and giving you this replica. I can’t let you risk the reputation of this great nation by committing genocide. Well, by committing genocide again. We aren’t perfect. Anyway, you can play with your little football, and I’ll keep our huge stockpile of peacekeepers safe and secure until a reasonable person takes office.”

Obama will go into hiding, while Trump will unleash the mother of all Twitter rants.

***

During a Bolingbrook Village Board meeting, Claar will try to humiliate Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz – by letting him propose an ordinance with the expectation that the other trustees, who are members of Claar’s Bolingbrook First party, would refuse to second it.

To Claar’s surprise, all of his trustees will second the proposal. After Jaskiewicz gives a short speech, Claar will say that anyone who votes for the ordinance is a foe of Bolingbrook. He will then call for a roll-call vote.

When it is their turn to vote, each Bolingbrook First trustee will struggle to say anything. “I can’t say the ’n’ word!” one of them will cry.

Frustrated, Claar will lash out at Trustee Rick Morales. “You’ve voted no in the past. Why can’t you do it now?”

“You said there is no “no” in a team and if I want to stay on the team, I can never vote “no.” But I can’t vote with Bob. I’m so confused. I can’t tell you to get with the program because you are the program, Roger.”

Jaskiewicz will chuckle. “You’ve conditioned your trustees never to vote no. They can’t overcome it.”

The final vote will be one vote “no,” one vote “yes,” and five abstentions. After the voting, the Bolingbrook First trustees will either be crying, passed out, or reading their trustee reports out loud.

“That’s just great,” Claar will say.

***

A prominent leader in the atheist movement will file a $1 trillion lawsuit against all Christian dominations.

“I’ve built my career on the fact that Jesus never existed,” the prominent atheist will say. “By promoting the myth of Jesus, these organizations are maliciously attacking my work and raising slanderous questions about my sanity. I have no choice but to defend my reputation.”

***

The business world will be shocked when Bolingbrook’s Ulta buys UPS. Ulta will then disrupt e-commerce by announcing that they will no longer handle Amazon’s freight.

“Maybe it is overkill to buy a global freight company,” an executive will say. “But something has to be done to stop Amazon from destroying retail sales. Will someone think of the malls?”

Surprisingly, the move will only inspire Amazon to expand its own logistical services. Most of the world will not see any disruptions in deliveries.

“We’re so big that the economy bends to our will,” an anonymous Amazon executive will say. “Soon every American will either work for us or work to support us. In the end, there can be only one corporation. Let it be Amazon!”

Roger Claar Party fails to disrupt Pathways Parade (Fiction)

Despite the best efforts of the Roger Claar Party, Bolingbrook’s Pathways Parade started on time, without any interruptions.

The Roger Claar Party, named after Mayor Roger Claar, but not affiliated with Claar, first tried to enter its float into the parade.  Eyewitnesses said the float had a piñata that resembled Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz.  According to the eyewitnesses, members of the party planned on hitting the piñata during the parade.

An organizer, who said she always wanted to be an anonymous source for the Babbler, said the float was unacceptable: “First I told them that they couldn’t be in the parade because they hadn’t registered their float.  They replied that if the Bolingbrook United party could have a parade float, they should too.  I told them that Bolingbrook United followed the rules with their float, while the Roger Claar Party didn’t.  You won’t believe what happened next.  They said that because they were the only party that fully supported Roger, we were required to host them.  I said the only party that truly supports Roger is the Bolingbrook First Party, or whatever they call themselves now.  It went down hill from there.”

Steve, an organizer who asked that we not use his last name, said a member of the party complained about the Bolingbrook United float:

“This woman furiously complained that the United float included a garbage can.  I said that as long as it didn’t have an effigy of Roger on it, it was allowed.  She said I was acting like a member of the Bolingbrook First Party.  I think she meant that as an insult.”

After the parade organizers vetoed the Roger Claar Party’s float, two party members walked towards the front of the parade lineup and threatened to stage a sit-in.  Before they could reach the front, Claar approached them.  According to eyewitnesses, Claar threatened to have all the members of the party arrested, committed for a psychological evaluation, and then reported to state election officials.

“If you support me, you will leave my parade alone!” Claar allegedly told the members.

The members did not block the parade, and it started on schedule.

The Claar party released a statement to the Babbler:

“After 9/11, everything changed.  There is no room for opposition parties while radical Islam threatens democracy.  We call upon the United Against Roger Party and the Me First Roger Second Party to disband so all Bolingbrook residents can unite behind the only party that fully supports Mayor Roger Claar: The Roger Claar Party.”

The Bolingbrook First Party released the following statement:

“If the Babbler’s articles do not change, we will write a Facebook post about you.”

Bolingbrook United released the following statement:

“We’ve never heard of the Roger Claar Party, and we look forward to running against Roger’s party in 2019.”

When asked to comment, Charline Spencer, unofficial spokesperson for the village, said: “The real story is that the residents who attended the parade saw a leader who doesn’t have a garbage can fetish.”

Also in the Babbler:

Help the Red Cross help the victims of Hurricane Irma
Sources: Mayor Claar vows to set the record for longest board meeting
BCTV rejects The Jackie Traynere Show again
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/13/17

From the Webmaster: Will County Resistance Fair to be held on August 26 (Mixed)

By Wendy Onofrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

Believe it or not, I do get Saturdays off, and this Saturday I’ll be at the Will County Resistance Fair.  It’s a free gathering of Will County progressive groups.  The fair provides an opportunity to find volunteer opportunities or possible employment.  It is at the Holiday Inn and Suites, 205 Remington Boulevard, Bolingbrook, Illinois 60440. It runs from 10 AM to 4 PM.  The hosts are Will County Board member Jackie Traynere and Congressperson Bill Foster.

Representatives from the following groups will be there:  CAIR, NAACP, Indivisible, Our Revolution, Mom’s Demand Action, Healthy Illinois, PDA, and Food and Water Watch.

In addition to visiting booths, visitors can also attend these free training sessions:

11:00 AM: Advanced Social & Mainstream Media by Food and Water Watch
12:00 PM: Climate Change… Science, not Politics
12:00 PM:  Running for Office
1:00 PM: Grassroots Lobbying
1:00 PM: Healthy Illinois
2:30 PM: Climate Change … Science, not Politics
2:00 PM: Electoral Strategy & Messaging
3:00 PM: Stay on the Ballot

If you consider yourself a progressive, this is a chance to find active groups in Will County that may interest you.

I don’t know if there will be any space aliens at the fair, but you never know…

Bolingbrook Antifa secures tank (Fiction)

Bolingbrook’s Antifa, an anti-fascist group, announced that it now has a Leopard 2A5 tank.

Alleged photo of Bolingbrook Antifa’s tank

“It is now clear to us that police departments will only deploy armored vehicles whenever groups like Black Lives Matter protest,” read the press release.  “Since we doubt that (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) would ask for tanks if neo-Nazi militias occupied Bolingbrook, we’ve decided to get a tank for ourselves.”

According to the press release, the tank is street legal, and its cannon is disabled.  The statement went on to say there was a gun mounted on it, but that it would only be used “for self-defense.”  Bolingbrook Antifa also bragged about the tank being “stick-proof and car-proof.”

A Bolingbrook Antifa member, who asked to be called Emma, said she is ecstatic that they now have a tank.  “You can’t reason with hardcore Fascists.  They only understand violence.  They think it’s fine when they try to intimidate people with their torches, shields, and sticks.  If you hit them back, however, they become a bunch of crybabies.  They’re going to call our tank intimidating and violent.  That’s fine with us.  Bolingbrook is a safe and diverse community.  Our tank will protect the village from those who want to commit genocide!”

Noam, another Bolingbrook Antifa member, said it was easy to get the tank into Bolingbrook:  “We just put a Trump flag on it, and the police didn’t care.”  He also added that the tank is hidden, and they will only use it if Fascists come to Bolingbrook.

A police officer, who asked to be called Bob, says the department now cares about the presence of a tank in Bolingbrook.  “This is a dangerous escalation!  Do you know why Bolingbrook is a safe community?  Because only the police are allowed to use violence.  Sure you can defend yourself, but then you have to stop once we arrive!  They need to get that tank out of Bolingbrook and respect law and order.”

When trying to reach Claar for comment, a receptionist said Claar was busy and could not be disturbed:

“Don’t tell Roger I said this, but I think it might be more useful to attend the Resistance Fair than to drive a tank around Bolingbrook.  Don’t you think?”

In the background, a woman who sounded like Intern Charlene said, “You know, Money Magazine hasn’t ranked Bolingbrook as one of the best places to live since 2014, right?”

A man who sounded like Claar replied:  “The fact that they ever selected us is all that matters.”

“Ah.  So it’s like a video game achievement.  You’ll always have it, no matter what your current gaming skills are.”

“I guess.”

Also in the Babbler:

Partial Eclipse means Bolingbrook will be safe on 8/21/17
Torchlight parades banned at Clow UFO Base
UFO makes emergency landing after getting hit by a meteor
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/17/17

Undead to protest Theater on the Hill’s production of Night of the Living Dead (Fiction)

Five undead Bolingbrook residents plan to picket Theater on the Hill’s auditions for their production of Night of the Living Dead:

Theater on the hill will be holding auditions for their production of Night of the Living dead on 8/7/17 and 8/8/17.

“They’re using public property to enforce negative stereotypes about the undead,”  said Karen, a resident who has been “terminally living” in Bolingbrook since 1998.  “It’s bad enough that I can’t go to the movies or watch TV without seeing some grotesque stereotype about the undead.  Why does a theater company have to denigrate the undead?”

The Bolingbrook chapter of the Undead Society hopes to use their protest to 1) counter myths about the undead, and 2) to persuade the company to let a representative from the society address the audience after each performance.

“The living may treat this play like it’s harmless entertainment,” said Adam, who has been “terminally living” in Bolingbrook since 2002. “ To us, Night of the Living Dead is the equivalent to Birth of a Nation.  We don’t want to ban the production.  We just want the audience to know the truth about being undead.”

According to the society’s literature, Night of the Living Dead contains many inaccuracies about the undead.  They do not eat flesh, especially brains.  “Terminal Living” is not contagious, and the undead are not a sign of a “zombie apocalypse.”

“I’ve been shot in the head three times,” said Joan, who has been terminally living in Bolingbrook since 1966.  “Before Night of the Living Dead came out, everyone was cool with my condition.  Since that movie, I have lost my friends, and I’m confined to the basement.  If it weren’t for cable TV, I wouldn’t know what was going on in the world.  I’m so happy that my husband has been so supportive.”

Karen has tried to reach out to Theater on the Hill’s staff, but they hung up on her.  She also tried to speak with Mayor Roger Claar, but he refused to help:

“I told him about our situation, and he asked if we had donated to his campaign fund or Heart Haven Outreach.  I said we don’t have any money.  He asked if we voted for him in the last election.  I said no because the undead aren’t allowed to vote in Will and DuPage Counties.  He replied, ‘Then why are we having this conversation?’  The nerve of that man!  If Jackie Traynere had won, I bet she would have listened to us.”

Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs released the following statement:  “Although the undead do not have any rights in Bolingbrook, we will let them protest.  They must not tell people that they are not really undead.  We will incinerate any undead who disturb the peace.”

Claar and Theater on the Hill did not respond to requests for comments.

Though Karen says she has no future, she still hopes the protest will improve relations between the living and the undead: “Before my soft flesh completely rots away, and I can finally die, I want to see a world where the undead are respected as sentient beings and not seen as monsters.  Is that too much to ask for?”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar: I still wasn’t born in Pakistan
Bolingbrook First Party working on 24 hour Roger Claar channel
Mud monsters spotted at Lollapalooza
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/9/17

We get letters (Fiction)

By Doug Fields
Reader’s Editor

Once again, many readers have sent us letters; and once again, I select the best.  It has been challenging the past few months, but I finally have enough for a column.

First, an anonymous resident has a message for the #resistance:

To the Editor

The NRA is right. They’re out to get us, and our President! The only way we can fight back is to hurt the other side!  If they don’t want to be triggered, they should submit to our President and the NRA.  I’m going to buy some more guns, in case I need to defend myself!

Concerned Citizen
Bolingbrook, IL 

I don’t know.  If you have to threaten violence to defend President Donald Trump, maybe you need to rethink your support.  In the meantime, the world is already a violent place.  Let’s not make it worse.

Another Bolingbrook resident thinks the state government has given us an Independence Day gift:

To the Editor:

Did you hear the great news?  There’s no budget!  That means, there’s no state government.  We are free from the shackles of Springfield.  Chicago is isolated!  (Mayor Roger Claar) is free to create and expand Bolingbrook.  Freedom reigns!

John Z. Wellman
Bolingbrook, IL

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way, and Bolingbrook stands to lose state funding that it can’t afford to lose.  We hope that the situation gets resolved this week, with minimal damage to the state.

Speaking of Bolingbrook, this reader offers her perspective on the 6/13/17 Village Board meeting:

To the Editor:

The Bolingbrook First Party claims that it supports Mayor Roger Claar, and is opposed to the Bolingbrook United Party.

Let’s look at one simple fact:  In the June meeting, all the members of Bolingbrook First voted with Bolingbrook United’s Robert Jaskiewicz 90 percent of the time.  This alliance between Bolingbrook First and Bolingbrook United is unholy and is a betrayal of Roger!

In April of 2018, everyone will have the chance to vote for the only political party that fully supports Roger!  The Roger Claar party is the only party you should be voting for next year.  Why? Because we will amend the village charter to disqualify any candidates or office holders who do not fully support Roger.  This is the key to reuniting Bolingbrook!

Don’t waste your time with the so-called Bolingbrook First Party.  Next year, vote for the party that is proud to name itself after Roger Claar!

Megan X Sherman
Roger Claar Party (Not affiliated with Mayor Roger Claar)
Bolingbrook, IL

It could be, or it could be that there were no controversial issues on the agenda, and Jaskiewicz wasn’t going to vote against Claar for the sake of voting against Claar.

That’s all for this week.  Have a fun and safe Fourth of July.  Maybe we’ll see you at The All-American Celebration?

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar looks for oil in his backyard
Aliens offer to invade Illinois, ‘to restore order’
Bolingbrook police raid illegal tank factory
God to spare Bolingbrook this week

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook Antifa denied booth at Village Picnic (Fiction)

Content notice: Satirical depictions of Fascists. Reminder: This is a work of fiction.

Organizers of the Village of Bolingbrook Annual Picnic denied a booth application from the Bolingbrook chapter of Antifa, a controversial anti-fascist movement.

Antifa, a coalition of anarchists, communists, and liberals opposed to fascism, has been involved in violent clashes with Trump supporters and neo-Nazis.  While the Bolingbrook chapter has no history of violence, organizers say the group does not fit with the theme of the picnic.

One organizer, who wished to remain anonymous, explained the commission’s decision:  “This is a family friendly event with free food, fun contests, and the opportunity to meet with representatives of community service groups.  There’s no room for politics here —  especially the radical politics espoused by antipasto, or whatever they call themselves.  We want Republicans and Democrats to come here in peace and community spirit.  Well, maybe we don’t want Cook County Democrats here, but you get the picture.”

Che Castro, who wore a hood during our interview, said she was disappointed with the decision.  “We do provide a community service by defending Bolingbrook’s diverse population against alt-white terrorists.  Our ancestors fought a world war against fascists, and we called them the greatest generation.  We fight against fascists and the corporate press compares us to terrorists.”

According to members of Bolingbrook Antifa, the group had planned many activities at their tables:  In addition to handing out flyers, visitors could spend money to shred printouts of right wing memes.  They could also pay to “dissect” a Pepe the Frog doll.  (Pepe the Frog is a cartoon frog that was appropriated by the so-called alt-right.)  Visitors to the booth could also watch members demonstrate “self-defense” techniques.

Bruce, a member of Bolingbrook Antifa, denied that Antifa is a violent group:  “Bolingbrook Antifa denounces people who want to shoot politicians.  We believe in peaceful protests.  We just don’t believe in pacifism.  If fascists are going to charge at us with sticks, we’re going to fight back!  Just like our comrades did in Berkeley.  Power to the People!”

Members of the Pepe Fan Club of Bolingbrook claim they are disappointed with the decision to ban Antifa:

Joe, who wore plastic padding and a football helmet, explained:  “We were ready to prove our genetic superiority by drinking bottles of milk in front of their booth.  Then we were planning to say triggering words to get them to hit us.  Then we would have to defend ourselves until the police arrested them!  It could have been a powerful display of support for the white race.”

When asked what his group stood for, Joe replied by holding up printouts of memes and flashing various hand gestures.  Finally, he did cite a precise policy.

“We want to see the peaceful ethnic cleansing of Bolingbrook, just like Richard Spencer advocates.  We will make Bolingbrook all white for the first time, and it will be glorious!  Heil Bolingbrook!  Heil victory!  Bring me a Tiki Torch!”

Both sides say they will not protest at the Village Picnic, but went on to say that there would be a confrontation between them “soon.”  They agreed that this confrontation will not happen this weekend.

The Village of Bolingbrook Annual Picnic is on June 25 at Town Center.  It runs from Noon to Six PM.