Republican, COVID vaccinated, and afraid: Bolingbrook’s silent conservatives speak out (Fiction)

Note: Some names have been changed to protect the identities of the vaccinated. Experts also confirm that COVID-19 is not a bioweapon and Asian Americans are not responsible for the pandemic. For reliable information about COVID-19 in Illinois, go to https://dph.illinois.gov/covid19.html.

Bolingbrook resident Peter is involved in several community service groups, voted for Trump in 2016 and 2020, and is active in his church. Yet he hides a dark secret: He’s fully vaccinated against COVD-19.

“I thought I was doing my patriotic duty,” said Peter. “China launched a biological attack against us, and our President created a vaccine in record time. I took the shots to own the Commies and the libs.  But my Facebook friends are resisting Trump’s greatest gift to humanity. It’s like conservatives no longer want to conserve human life.”

Peter is one of the majority of Bolingbrook residents who are fully vaccinated. But many vaccinated residents are afraid to speak out due to fear of harassment and violence. 

Julie, a mother and long-time Bolingbrook resident, is frightened by what some of her neighbors are saying: “I know kids can get sick and die from COVID. That’s why I’m vaccinated, and why I just vaccinated my kids. But there are parents who value politics over biology. They want to empower bullies to shame my kids into removing their masks. A mother accused me of child abuse because we wore masks on our way to the car. It’s insane.”

Paula, a Bolingbrook police officer, is frightened by the propaganda she’s hearing from fellow law enforcement professionals: “COVID is the leading cause of death among officers. Yet I see officers posting anti-mask and anti-vaccination propaganda. It’s crazy. Can’t they see BLM is behind this? Since they can’t defund us, they’re trying to deplete us. The medical community is backing the blue by offering free vaccines.”

Despite pressure from a vocal minority, the Village of Bolingbrook is still supporting vaccination efforts.  All residents, regardless of political affiliation, can request receiving a vaccine at home or at work. The Village also hosts a vaccine clinic every Wednesday by appointment from 10:30 am to 5:30 pm. Residents are also required to wear a mask when entering Village hall. 

According to sources affiliated with Village, Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta will not let “outside agitators” endanger Bolingbrook. As one source explained: “Sure, wearing masks is annoying, and the usual vaccine side-effects are no fun for a couple days. But we’d rather keep our current residents, instead of replacing them.”

Another source added that while it is true some residents could survive COVID, unvaccinated residents can cost the village in other ways. She said: “Some people get Long Haul COVID, and can’t work. That strains our social services and deprives businesses of workers. Plus some studies suggest that COVID can accelerate the loss of brain matter.  Some political leaders might want voters to be cognitively impaired, but not the First Party.”

Bolingbrook’s other political parties, Bolingbrook Independent Voices and Bolingbrook United, released statements supporting vaccination programs. 

While most of the people interviewed feared for the future of Bolingbrook, Peter is optimistic. “This is our tribulation to determine who really supports Trump, and who is just an (expletive deleted). COVID will remove those unworthy of seeing Trump’s reinstatement. After the tribulation, we will all come together and combat Critical Race Theory.

Also in the Babbler: 

New alien implant teaches CRT to Valley View students
Moses appears in Buffalo Grove to promote COVID vaccines
Editorial: Fireworks and Santa don’t go together
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/18/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Web Exclusive: Theater critic slams 8/24/21 Bolingbrook Board (Fiction)

Internet theater critic Sheri O. Roland must’ve believed she was watching a play when she reviewed the 8/24/21 Bolingbrook Village Board meeting. She wrote:

“This is not a production worth dying for. If you have to catch COVID, catch it by attending a Nickelback cover band concert. It will be more entertaining.”

According to the review, Roland believed she was reviewing a play called  “Positively Charged” staged by the Performance Art League of Bolingbrook.  The League isn’t a theater company but instead is an anonymous group of performance artists that “reappropriates” mundane events in Bolingbrook.  They infamously “reappropriated” the 6/9/09 and the 4/25/17 board meetings into the play, “Village of the Bored.”  Their last performance was “Restaurants Matter More Than You” in 2020 which was staged in a Bolingbrook restaurant that violated the pandemic indoor dining ban.

While the League’s announcements are banned from both Bolingbrook Events sites, some people, like Roland, are fooled into attending their “performances.”

During the 8/24/21 meeting, the Village Board announced the winners of 2021’s Bolingbrook’s Citizens of the Year awards and honored the retiring owners of Family Square Restaurant.  In her review, Roland described the announcements as “wasted plot points.”

“We have a woman who overcomes paralysis to become an advocate for LGTQ+ residents.  We have a photographer with fearless children.  We have two guys who traveled all the way from Greece to serve cream of chicken soup to the suburbs.  Each story could have been a separate play.  Instead, we’re treated to bland narration, and the characters themselves are hardly speaking.  The Greek characters had the stage stolen from them by the Mayor Emeritus character.  I’m sorry, but there’s no such thing as a ‘Mayor Emeritus.’ Did the writer not know the difference between a mayor and a professor?”

Roland described Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta’s “performance” as “competent, but uninspiring.”  She also described Trustee Michael Lawler as “playing a role that started out as comic relief but was rewritten at the last minute—Which was too bad, because this play could have used some comic relief.  The background characters should be cut because they don’t advance the plot at all.”

The ending, according to Roland, “fell apart,” and never recovered:

“Here we get the reading of invoices and rules that are never debated.  I thought we would finally see some drama when a letter accusing the main characters of poisoning Bolingbrook surfaced. Instead, that’s laughed off.  The bit about Bolingbrook losing power could have been an exciting twist.  Instead, it’s a line that should have been thrown away along with the rest of the script.”

She concludes her review by writing: “I can’t tell if this play is a depiction of an authoritarian dystopia or a piece of anti-democratic propaganda that denies debate and tries to inject the audience with a lethal dose of reckless positivity.  Either way, it doesn’t work.  I appreciate a suburb attempting to stage an original theatrical production during a deadly pandemic.  Sadly, in the end, it’s just like watching a cover band concert.  It tastes good, but the experience just doesn’t satisfy you like the original band’s performance would.  The only good thing about this production is the immersive sets.  Sometimes I really thought I was in a government building.”

Roland refused to be interviewed for this story.

When asked to comment, Alexander-Basta replied: “The critics said I would be Roger’s puppet and lose reelection.  Well—”

 In the background, a man who sounded like Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar said: “Hurry up!  WeatherTech wants to talk to us about building ten new helicopter pads by their factory.”

“I’ll be there in a minute,” replied Alexander-Basta.  “Now if I were a puppet, I wouldn’t have told our Mayor Emeritus to wait a minute.  Checkmate, foes of Bolingbrook!”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Village of Bolingbrook rejects atheist interactive hologram holiday display (Fiction)

The Village of Bolingbrook rejected the Church of Christopher Hitchens’ display of interactive holograms of atheist leaders to the International Festival of Lights :

“While we recognize that atheists are part of Bolingbrook’s diversity,” said a source with ties to the Civic and Cultural Affairs Commission,  “Their display was in poor taste.  To paraphrase a former village manager, atheists are already represented by the empty space around the village hall.  Adding their offensive display would mean that atheists would be overrepresented.”

David X. Silverton, leader of Bolingbrook’s Church of Christopher Hitchens, strongly disagreed with the decision: “We tried to be sensitive to their feelings.  We didn’t make a hologram of Hitch.  May his words slap the stupid.  This was an opportunity to give residents a much-needed dose of science and reason.  The commission caved into superstition and Trumpism!”

According to various sources, the display rotated interactive holograms of well-known atheist leaders.  It was similar to the display at the Illinois Holocaust Museum where onlookers are able to ask each of the holograms questions. However, some sources claimed that a few holograms actively heckled bystanders.

Mary, who did not want her real name published, described her experience with the Dan Barker hologram:  “We got off to a bad start when it said, ‘Happy Solstice!’ I said it was Christmas and he should get into the spirit of the season.  He laughed, and played this horrible song!  I won’t pray for his soul!  Especially after I left and he yelled, ‘Happy War on Christmas!’”

Steve Z. Gilmore claims he interacted with a hologram of PZ Myers: “I asked if he was going to swallow a package of communion wafers. He said he made his point years ago, and he’s no longer a member of the New Atheists.  Then he said he was just going to show off his new friend, Heidi.  Heidi turned out to be a spider!  I hate spiders.  I screamed and ran away.  PZ yelled, ‘Heidi, the holiday spider, only bites people who don’t wear masks!’”

Lisa, who asked that we not use her real name, found the Taslima Nasreen hologram offensive:  “She said that the Coronavirus was proof there is no God.  I told her I was Muslim and deeply offended.  She said she was offended that I was offended.  I started to educate her on Islam, but you won’t believe what she said.  She said that since she faced death threats, and is banned from Bangladesh and West Bengal, she wasn’t afraid of me boring her.  God is great, and she isn’t!”

 Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta could not be reached for comment. Her receptionist added:

“If this church is real, we might be tempted to fine them if they’re holding indoor services.”

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer, said: “You summoned me, Acting Mayor Mary?”

“That’s Mayor Mary,” replied a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta.

“Not until you’re elected,”

“We’ll deal with that later.  I want to talk to you about your proposed advisory questions.”

“You’re welcome.  I’m glad I was able to fulfill my contractual obligation to the First Party by giving you 20 years worth of advisory questions.  That should keep garbage toters off the ballot until at least 2041.”

“But some of these questions are outrageous!  Your ‘Fund the Police’ question not only bans cuts to the Bolingbrook Police Department, it requires the village to increase the department’s funding every year.  That means the police budget would bankrupt the village in five years.”

“Don’t worry about that Acting Mayor—”

“Mayor!”

“Whatever.  You don’t really think the point of these questions is to seek to advise from the voters, do you?  These questions are designed to motivate your supporters to go to the polls.  Think about it: Do you really think Republicans put advisory questions on the ballot about splitting Chicago from Illinois because they want to turn Illinois into Mississippi North?”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah.  In fact, I think you screwed up when you added the cannabis question to the ballot.  That’s going to motivate more of Bolingbrook United’s supporters to go to the polls.”

“Please.  This is why I’m so glad you’re no longer working for us.  You might be full of yourself now, but you’re in for a rude awakening when The First Party sweeps the election, and shames (Trustee Sheldon Watts) into resigning.”

“No, You’ll be in for a rude awakening, when Bolingbrook Independent Voices sweeps the election.  You’ll end up covered in eagle droppings, and finishing in third place behind Jackie Traynere!”

“Get out before I put you in a time out!”

Also in the Babbler:

Chicagoland UFO Bases take an extended holiday as COVID-19 devours Illinois
Zombie turkey ruins Bolingbrook family’s Thanksgiving
Interstellar diplomat claims COVID-19 originated in Naperville
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/3/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Village of Bolingbrook employees scramble to prep the emergency pontoon boat for launch (Fiction)

Village officials are racing against time to get Bolingbrook’s floating command center ready for launch.

“We need a third command center,” said a village employee who asked to remain anonymous.  “2020 isn’t finished with us.  The White House and the Senate are COVID hotspots!  If the Vice-president goes down, there will be a legal fight over whether Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Grassley, or Mike Pompeo will take over.  Then we’ll have to worry about what’s left of the Trump campaign contesting the election results.  At this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised if we ended up in a nuclear war—”

Another village employee shouted: “Don’t give 2020 any ideas!”

According to various sources, Bolingbrook currently has two emergency command centers:  One is a bunker under Village Hall.  The other is a hidden bunker under the Bolingbrook Golf Club.  Since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic, the Golf Club bunker houses an alternate village board, while the current board members work at Village Hall.

In 1997, the village secretly purchased a pontoon boat to use as a floating command center.  At the time, Bolingbrook’s flood plain was expanding and some officials feared a village-wide flood.  It was hoped that the command center would allow the government to keep functioning during the theorized super flood.

After 2002, with the construction of the Golf Club, and ten pillars secretly built under Bolingbrook, the village was no longer in danger of facing a super flood.  Instead of selling the boat, the village hid the boat in then Mayor Roger Claar’s backyard— in case Bolingbrook faced a 100,000-year flood, and the mayor needed to quickly get to the boat.

“Roger liked to do ‘command drills,’” said Pete, a former Bolingbrook employee who asked not to be identified.  “Honestly, we’d do a short drill, then drink beer and go fishing.  The pontoon was state of the art at the time, and is still a good boat.”

The Public Works Department was planning on selling the pontoon until Village co-administrators Ken Teppel and Lucas Rickelman ordered the boat to be “converted back into a command center.”

Stephanie, a village employee who asked that we not use her real name, claims the boat is under-equipped:

“Someone stripped the electronics to make room for a bar and freezer.  I won’t say who.  Anyway, now we’ve got to get it ready in a week and find ways to keep it out of the budget.  We don’t want ‘them’ to know about it.  So far we’re pretending that we bought a new police car, and are using the money to equip the boat.  We’re hoping all the watchdog groups are too obsessed with DuPage Township to notice what we did.”

According to Stephanie, once the boat is equipped, it will be moved to Whalon Lake.  In an emergency, designated village officials will board the boat and cast off.  In theory, all emergency services could be coordinated through the boat’s Internet connection.  Stephanie says village officials believe it is important to have a floating command center:

“Rioters won’t be inclined to swim towards it.  Fires can’t harm it on the lake, and if 2020 throws a flood at us, we’ll be ready!  Plus, the commanders will always have access to fish and water!”

Stephanie also believes that there is a debate over which village officials should be stationed on the boat:

“(Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta) thinks she should be on the boat because she’s the mayor.  The co-administrators think they should be because the Mayor is now a symbolic position.  I’m sure they’ll work it out.  Everyone agrees that (Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz) will not be allowed on the boat.  If he wants to be on the water he can rent a rowboat!”

Trustee Michael Carpanzano denied the existence of the pontoon boat:

“You are such a negative reporter!  There are so many positive things going on in Bolingbrook, and you would know that if your calendar section worked with my Facebook Page instead of with the Bolingbrook Events page!”

In the background, a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta, said: “I just approved Trick or Treating in Bolingbrook this year.  So now I’m the #1 fun mom of Bolingbrook, and I don’t want to mess it up with any distractions.  So we’re going to let you go if you promise not to act like a masked vigilante.”

“I still need to know how you figured out my secret identity.”

“Simple.  Your costume is made of the same material only one company in Bolingbrook uses, and you’re the only person in Bolingbrook who could afford to buy and customize an AGMV.”

“Curses!  But you need me.  Don’t you watch Fox News?  Chicago is burning, and the flames will soon reach Bolingbrook.”

“Chicago isn’t always burning, and when it is, we don’t need real-life superheroes.  We just block the entrances to the Promenade with snow plows and that keeps the looters away.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook Antifa conducts ‘Proud Boy’ exercise
Vampires to hold an emergency blood drive in Naperville
Representative Bill Foster escapes President Trump’s biological attack
God to spare Bolingbrook this week

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Bolingbrook’s unofficial opposition parties respond to the 2020 State of the Village Address (Fiction)

Every year, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar delivers a State of the Village address, and the Babbler prints the responses from Bolingbrook’s unofficial opposition parties.  This year, The Roger Claar Party, Our Revolution Party, Bolingbrook First, The Positive Party, The Art Bell Party, and The Al Gore Party accepted our invitation. Bolingbrook United’s response will be posted on our web site later today. 

The Roger Claar
“A great mayor deserves a great party.”

The end is near!  The end of Roger’s service as the Mayor of Bolingbrook is approaching. Roger has done so much for our community.  Instead of farms, we have shopping malls and factories.  We have the right balance of bars and churches.  Under Roger’s leadership, we’ve grown into the second largest village in Illinois.  Roger, you have built a legacy.  A legacy that is worthy of protection.

As great as Roger is, he does have a weakness.  He doesn’t always select the greatest people to back him up.  Like a certain trustee with ties to the infamous DuPage Township.  Or a trustee with ties to the Bolingbrook STEM Association.  Are we sure she isn’t a follower of scientism?

Robert Jaskiewicz (Left) and Michael Carpanzano at a 2014 Bolingbrook Chamber of Commerce event.

The worst of them, however, is Trustee Michael Carpanzano.  As the Executive Director of the Bolingbrook Area Chamber of Commerce, he gave the “Anti-Roger” —Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz,— the 2014 “Director’s Award of Philanthropic Excellence.”  Are we supposed to believe he now recognizes the great evil that is the “Anti-Roger?”

We don’t think so.  We fear that Carpanzano will charm Roger into endorsing him to be the next mayor.  Once he’s elected, he’ll “carp” Roger, and take direction from the “Anti-Roger.” 

This year, we’ll be celebrating the great things that Roger has done for us.  Next year, we hope that residents will vote to preserve Roger’s legacy by electing the only party that fully supports Roger!

Our Revolution Party
“Bernie or Burn!”

This year’s State of the Village address perfectly encapsulated Bolingbrook.  Roger held a decadent event at a tax-payer funded palace, while the rest of us toil at Amazon warehouses or make over-priced plastic products.  Roger’s cronies eat fine meals while the residents of Bolingbrook eat (expletive deleted) soup and Roger is the one supplying the (expletive deleted)!

Sen. Bernie Sanders has shown us the way.  Compromises will compromise us.  Tactical surrenders to the one percent will become total surrenders.  Business as usual won’t work.  It’s time for a revolution in Bolingbrook!

We have a simple plan to save the residents of Bolingbrook:

  • Enroll all residents into a single health care plan that can be merged into Medicare for All.
  • Ban all fossil fuel cars by 2030.
  • Force Amazon to pay local taxes on their profits.
  • Turn Bolingbrook Commons into a university and trade school that will be free for all residents.

If you have to ask how we can afford these programs, we ask: How can Bolingbrook afford to give tax credits to businesses, and to build a luxury golf club?

The world is burning.  You can either join us in supporting Bernie, or you can burn!

Bolingbrook First
“We made Bolingbrook great!”

We loved listening to Roger tell the truth about the great state of our village.  We just have one thing to add:  You’re welcome.

For decades, Roger worked with us to turn Bolingbrook from a sleepy suburb to an international business hub.  We’re the party of Clerk Carol Penning, Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler, and Trustee Maria Zarate.  We’re the public officials that passed the laws that made Bolingbrook great!

The so-called First Party for Bolingbrook is like a cover band.  The tunes sound familiar, but the performers are just copycats.  Their name is also an insult.  We predate FPB, but they want residents to think they’re the first party that cared about Bolingbrook.  What have Trustee Michael Carpanzano and Trustee Mary Basta done besides follow our plan for Bolingbrook?

Bolingbrook First’s policies and leaders were the key to making Bolingbrook great.  If you want to keep Bolingbrook great and support Roger’s legacy, you should support us.

Roger and Trustee Sheldon Watts may have left our party, but we haven’t left Bolingbrook.

The Positive Party
“Everything is great!”

At the State of the Village address, Roger showed us that the real residents of Bolingbrook have every reason to be positive.  Roger is a positive person, and his positive energy powers Bolingbrook.

Our foes are negative, and they thrive on negative energy from Springfield.  They want to feast on the positive energy of Bolingbrook and turn every resident into an energy vampire.

Don’t let them win.  Don’t say anything negative about our village.  Don’t do anything negative to our village.  Don’t even think negative thoughts about Bolingbrook.  If you do, they will win!  Give in to Michael Carpanzano, and all will be positive in Bolingbrook.  Government by the Secret!  Steven Pinker is always right!

The Art Bell Party
“Keeping an eye on Bolingbrook’s Skies.”

Roger has done a lot of great things for Bolingbrook, and The State of the Village address showed that.  But he didn’t show everything.

Once again, Roger didn’t talk about Clow UFO Base, the largest employer in Bolingbrook.  He didn’t talk about our relationship with the Interstellar Commonwealth, or why he still allows alien abductions to occur in our village.  It’s 2020, don’t you think the aliens have learned everything they’re going to learn by probing us?  I don’t know about you, but I want to get a good nights sleep without worrying about ending up on a space ship with a probe in an unmentionable part of my body!

Roger also didn’t address his alliance with the local wereskunk population.  Their cousins spread trash everywhere, while the wereskunks act like they own Bolingbrook.  It’s so bad that if a wereskunk sprays you, the police won’t bother to chase them.  

We feel it is time for residents to stand up to the wereskunks, end alien abductions, and tell secret societies that we are not pawns in their game of world domination.  We are Bolingbrook, and we must control our own fate!

The Al Gore Party
“We can build a greener, better Bolingbrook”

Roger talked about Bolingbrook’s great history, but we were disappointed that his plans for the future didn’t go beyond maintaining his political machine.

The fact is the climate that allowed Bolingbrook to grow is going away.  Some of that change is irreversible.  Some of the worst effects can be prevented if we start reducing our carbon emissions.  

Roger will accuse us of wanting to ban straws, but that’s not true.  The village can do more good by reducing the use of fossil fuels in Bolingbrook.  Imagine a Bolingbrook where we give tax credits to businesses to create charging stations instead of political favors.  Imagine a Bolingbrook with bike lanes, bike paths, and sidewalks. Imagine a Bolingbrook that brags about adding more trees instead of more ice cream parlors.

Some say we should wait until other suburbs take the lead.  Why?  Why don’t we lead the other suburbs into the future instead?  Why don’t we at least try to ensure a better future for our children, no matter where they may move to?

Roger made bold moves in order to grow Bolingbrook.  We now need to make bold changes to ensure its survival in the new world.  The residents have done it before, and we can do it again! Let’s work together so there will be Bolingbrook residents in the 22nd Century.  Those future residents, we believe, will teach their children about Roger, and preserve his legacy of a village that you can grow with.

Also in the Babbler:

Marianne Williamson astrally announces her endorsement of Rachel Ventura
Claar says Russia can lower the temperature, but it can’t freeze Bolingbrook’s spirit
Jeanne Ives says flyer showed suggested donations in Interstellar Credits, not dollars
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/22/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Residents, aliens and were-dogs enjoy Bolingbrook’s Pride and Puppies event (Mixed)

An alien meets with one of the Bolingbrook Pride volunteers.

Last Sunday, Bolingbrook Pride held their second annual Pride and Puppies Picnic.  This time it was at Village Hall. Organizers estimate that over one thousand people attended. 

The following is a team report from the picnic:

Were-dogs help residents celebrate pride

A pack of were-dogs offered free pets to Pride and Puppies attendees.

“Bolingbrook is our family,” said Becky, who asked that we not use her last name.  “We love our family and we love it when they bring people to love. We let them pet us, and they feel our love.  This pride event is about love.”

One of the attendees who petted Becky told her a story about her own dog: “I grew up with a dog named Pepper.  Whenever I cried, Pepper would be there for me.  I loved her.  But then my parents threw me out of the house when they found out I was queer.  I never saw her again.  Now I own a home with my partner, but whenever I’m in the backyard, I think of Pepper, and how much she would have loved it.”

The attendee’s eyes watered. Becky licked the tears.  The attendee smiled and embraced Becky.

“This is why we’re here,” Becky said, speaking in the dog language.

Elsewhere, a man openly asked why Bolingbrook wasn’t hosting a Straight Pride event.  Bo, a were-dog Welsh Terrier, jumped up and down in front of the man:  “I’ll tell you why!  Because gay relationships are outlawed in 70 countries.  In this country, lawmakers want to use ‘Religious liberty’ to allow discrimination against LBGTQA+ individuals. There was even a hate crime against a Barrington teen a few days ago.  Straight is the default sexuality. Every day is your pride day.  Either let my friends enjoy their day, or leave this space.”

“I think this dog is trying to talk me,” said the man.  “I can’t understand you.  You’re just barking.”

Bo moved away and barked: “Hate does not make you great!”

Representative Bill Foster: ‘The New World Order believes in Universal Gay rights!’
By Reporter X

Congressman Bill Foster manned the Wheaton Township Democrats’ table at Bolingbrook Pride.

US Representative Bill Foster promised alien attendees at the Pride Picnic that he would continue to work to enact the Interstellar Commonwealth’s “Declaration of Gender and Orientation Rights.”

“I agree with the declaration,” said Foster.  I co-sponsored the Equality Act, but that’s just the beginning.  I won’t stop until every gay human on Earth has all the rights outlined in the Commonwealth’s declaration.  No one should be shamed for being LBGQTA—Did I get all the letters?”

Foster then denounced the Illuminati: “Ever since they declared war on the New World Order, the level of hate has increased around the world.  Donald Trump is their blunt instrument to destroy civilization and create chaos in the world.  They say they want freedom, but that’s a lie.  They want to destroy all opposition and then impose their own dictatorship on the world.  Well, I’m not going to let that happen.  I proudly support science, reason, and the New World Order.  E Pluribus Unum!”

Most aliens said they enjoyed talking to Foster.

“Humans like him give me hope for the future of this planet,” said Zoplopgost, who asked that we not identify its homeworld.

An unidentified alien tried to dump shaved ice on Foster but was restrained by a Man in Black.

“Why did you try to attack me?” asked Foster.

“Isn’t dumping food product on a human leader considered a proper greeting?”

“No!  That’s what you do if you hate a politician, and I don’t endorse that kind of wasting of food.”

“Oops.”

————

Mayor Claar takes select Pride attendees on ‘wild’ UFO ride

By Reporter X

Ten attendees to the Bolingbrook Pride event say they went on a “wild” UFO ride with Mayor Roger Claar.

“Roger really is the most important Mayor in the galaxy!” said an anonymous attendee.

All of the attendees were selected at random and raised into a UFO.  Claar then reassured them they would only be gone for about 15 minutes, and he was going to take them on a short interplanetary tour.  

As the attendees sat down, Claar told them that before the first Pride and Puppies event, he was skeptical.

“I thought it was a plot by the Cook County Democrats to corrupt the fine residents of Bolingbrook.  Then my daughter assured me that gay people are Okay.  They just want the freedom to be who they are, and love who they want.  Or not love.  I’m still learning about that ‘A’ part.”

The UFO then flew to the far side of the moon and viewed the UFO Mother Ships hovering over the moon.  A tour guide, who said he was a former US Space Marine, and former 

Bolingbrook Pride organizer described the various species that visit Clow UFO Base.

“Do you know that most alien species have more than one sex and more than one gender identity?” Asked Blake, who asked that we not use his last name.  “It’s like our minds are so small that we can only think of two genders, but the universe is more creative.  Who knew?”

The craft then traveled to Mars.  Claar told them that they couldn’t land because the Martian Colonial Government has quarantined humans.

“They think we’re infected with memes,” said Claar.  “Whatever that means.”

The Bolingbrook Pride Committee from Left to right: Jessica Blackburn, Barbara Parker, Allaina Humphreys, Bob Jaskiewicz, Jessica Parks

On the way back to Bolingbrook, a fleet of alien fascists contacted Claar, and said they wanted to help him “purify Bolingbrook.”  Claar told them to turn over control of their ships to Clow Traffic Control.  Claar then continued to talk about how no one in Bolingbrook understood alien cultures better than he did.

Several minutes later, the alien fascists contacted Claar. They said their ships were flying towards the sun, and they couldn’t regain control.  Claar asked why that was a problem.

“I don’t care what Bolingbrook looks like.  Just as long as I am in charge!”

“But what about our freedom of speech?” asked one of the aliens.

“I draw the line at oppositions parties in Bolingbrook,” replied Claar.  “And your fascist party is way, way, way over the line!”

“But you endorsed Tr—”

Claar turned off the audio and said: “I don’t see Bob sending fascists into the sun.  Do you?”

When reached for comment, Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz replied, “I suppose I could say something about Roger and Uranus, but I’m kind of busy volunteering at the picnic right now.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was away and did not want to take any calls. 

In the background, a man who sounded like Deputy Mayor Michael T. Lawler said: “Thanks, Mike.  Now, I just need one more trustee to join me.  Fortunately, I brought some straws—”

“I volunteer!” said a woman who sounded like Trustee Mary Basta. “As a tribute to—”

“Thank you Jesus!” said a man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts.

“So what do we do?” asked Basta.

“Roger already made a major donation,” said Lawler.  “And we’re letting them hold the event outside of village hall.  So you and I are just going to stand near the edge of the crowd, and talk to the concerned residents.”

Carpanzano added: “I’m going to have pictures of me taken with the volunteers.  Because I care!”

Also in the Babbler: 

Aliens allowed to join the Chicago Pride March
Congressman Sean Casten meets with gay reptoids
Fox News to start pro-Roger Bolingbrook channel
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Bolingbrook covert task force breaks up gay pride toter march (Fiction)

Bolingbrook’s first “gay pride toter march” ended seconds after a covert branch of the Bolingbrook Police Department fired tear gas canisters at the marchers.

“I was just there to watch the parade,” said Maria, a resident of the Winston Village subdivision.  “Next thing I know, there are clouds of gas in the air, and I can’t stop crying.  How could (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) order this?”

An email from the Bolingbrook Anti-toter and Anti-negativity Task Force said it was necessary to disrupt the march: “The mere presence of illegal garbage toters and illegally oversized recycling toters in our village is an act of aggression on behalf of the Cook County Democrats.  We sent a powerful message that any attempt to frighten our residents into owning garbage toters will positively be met with force!”

According to marchers interviewed for this article, they planned to start in Winston Village and then march to the entrance of the Bolingbrook Promenade. The marchers insisted that they were not going to step into Promenade.

Claudia, an organizer who asked that we not use her last name, explained the purpose of the march:  The Bolingbrook Pride Picnic is great, but it’s a mainstream event.  We felt that there should be an alternative event to remind residents that Pride started out as a revolt.  Now we didn’t want to vandalize property—there’s too much of that occurring here.  Instead, we decided that the best rebellious act we could perform was to hold an unsanctioned toter march.  I guess we didn’t realize how much Roger hates toters.”

Dave, a Winston Hills resident, said he witnessed the task force’s attack on the parade:  “I was just looking out my window when I saw three armored personnel carriers parked in front of my home.  All of a sudden, they fired their grenade launchers.  It was such a loud boom.  My ears are still ringing.  I could hear the screams from across the block. I was horrified.  Then a man in a strange uniform came to my door.  He assured me that he was with the village and they were just driving back an invasion of Cook County Democrats.  I was so relieved to hear that.  Thank you, Roger.”

According to organizers, none of the marchers were from Cook County, and most were from Bolingbrook.

The organizers said there were no arrests, and all the marchers were unharmed.

“Our eyes may sting,” said Claudia.  “But we will not go away.”

She also added that the organizers are now planning a surprise dance performance to protest homophobia.

“We’ve already selected the music, and we’re working on the dance.  Oh, and (Trans Exclusive Radical Feminists) are not welcome at our events.  We know that Trump’s discriminatory policies won’t stop with the trans community.  So we have to stand together!”

The Bolingbrook police released a statement denying the existence of the task force and said they had no record of a march taking place in Bolingbrook.

When asked to comment, Claar replied: “Mike says I need to think more positive thoughts.  So I’m thinking that I am on the cusp of being able to walk from my home, have lunch at Portillo’s, and then order a shake from Andy’s Custard before I walk home.  Do you think Bob would have brought Andy’s Custard to my subdivision?”

Also in the Babbler:

Former trustee denies spying on Bolingbrook United members’ text messages
Bolingbrook teenagers ‘selected’ for summer internships at Clow UFO Base
Russian drones spotted at Cavalcade of Planes
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/6/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Web Exclusive: Village of Bolingbrook to establish ‘milkshake-free’ zones (Fiction)

Will milkshakes be banned in certain parts of Bolingbrook? Sources within Village Hall say Mayor Roger Claar will establish “Milkshake-free” zones in Bolingbrook in response to several incidents of protesters tossing milkshakes at politicians.

“We’re trying to get a handle on this now,” said a source, who asked to be identified as Zed.  “I know a certain village trustee thinks we should wait until it becomes an issue in Bolingbrook.  We can’t wait, because the only warning we might have is when Roger is covered in chocolate shake.  Can you imagine how it would look if Roger is about to address potential businesses, and he gets hits with a milkshake?”

Jennifer, who asked that we not use her last name, said the move was necessary because of “unprecedented divisiveness” in Bolingbrook:

“Foes are allowed to vote against Roger’s candidates.  They’re even saying negative things about Roger in board meetings.  Not only that, but foes are allowed to serve on the Village Board, Park District Board, Library Board, and the School Board.  We used to be one Bolingbrook under Roger!”

According to the sources, milkshake-free zones will be established: 

  1. Outside of Claar’s home. 
  2. Around each village trustee’s home, (except for Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the opposition Bolingbrook United Party).  
  3. Milkshakes will also be banned at Village Hall, The Bolingbrook Golf Club, 201 Canterbury LN, and Clow Airport.  
  4. Temporary zones will be established during special events, like the Village Picnic.

Some residents are not pleased with the proposed ban:

“We went through all this trouble to get a second Andy’s Custard,” said Blake Z. Milford.  “Now if I get a milkshake to go, I have to worry about accidentally driving into one of these zones.  I don’t know about you, but I think my freedom to consume a milkshake anywhere is more important than Roger’s dry cleaning bill.”

A member of Bolingbrook United, who asked to remain anonymous, said the party denounced the zones:  “We don’t encourage anyone to toss milkshakes at Roger, but we want the residents to protest the Claar dictatorship.  We suggest that every time Roger tries to bully someone into silence, residents should hold a can, in honor of our Plainfield Library Board member Jason Cann! His commitment to free speech is what all Bolingbrook residents can unite behind.”

When reached for comment, Claar replied: “Milkshake bans?  That’s a stupid idea.  Hell, everyone who opposes me is stupid!  Now listen and learn.  I am not a dictator because I haven’t killed anyone.  Yet.  Instead, I will work with anyone who isn’t a stupid foe.  I—”

“Excuse me,” said a man.

“Who the hell are you?”

“I’m with the Will County Watchdogs.”

“You mean the Edgar County Watchdogs.

“Not exactly.  They got tired of driving over two hundred miles each way to attend Bolingbrook meetings, so they gave me the franchise rights to Will County.”

“Oh sh—!  Well, I’m always willing to support a worthy organization.  How do I make a—”

“Unlike my bosses, I know how things work in Bolingbrook, and we’re not going to play that game.  Instead, I’m going to ask you some questions. You can either cooperate, or I can file a FOIA request—”

“Or you can go (Expletive Deleted) yourself!”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

From the Webmaster: Second Annual Pride Picnic and Puppies set for June 9 (Mixed)

Bolingbrook Pride LogoBolingbrook’s second annual Pride Picnic and Puppies event is set for June 9 from Noon to 6 PM.  This year’s LGBTQ+ pride event will be held behind Village Hall, located at 375 W Briarcliff Rd.  Admission is free.

Family picnic with puppies to cuddle, food for purchase, yard games, bouncy house, music, hug tent, LGBT resources, and more!

Last year, Bolingbrook Pride made history by hosting one of the first LGBTQ+ pride events in the Chicago Suburbs.  It was more impressive considering the short amount of time the organizers had to pull it off.  We’re excited to see what this year’s event will be like.

The Babbler is honored to be one of the many sponsors of this event.  They still need more sponsors and donors, as well as volunteers.

It wasn’t that long ago that holding any kind of LGBTQ+ event in the suburbs was unthinkable.  This year there will also be pride events in Aurora, Buffalo Grove, and Joliet. It’s also interesting to note that both Mayor Roger Claar and members of Bolingbrook United are also sponsors of Bolingbrook’s pride picnic.  There’s still a long way to go in terms of acceptance of the LGBTQ+ community, but we can appreciate the progress that has been made so far.