Bolingbrook’s unofficial opposition parties respond to the 2020 State of the Village Address (Fiction)

Every year, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar delivers a State of the Village address, and the Babbler prints the responses from Bolingbrook’s unofficial opposition parties.  This year, The Roger Claar Party, Our Revolution Party, Bolingbrook First, The Positive Party, The Art Bell Party, and The Al Gore Party accepted our invitation. Bolingbrook United’s response will be posted on our web site later today. 

The Roger Claar
“A great mayor deserves a great party.”

The end is near!  The end of Roger’s service as the Mayor of Bolingbrook is approaching. Roger has done so much for our community.  Instead of farms, we have shopping malls and factories.  We have the right balance of bars and churches.  Under Roger’s leadership, we’ve grown into the second largest village in Illinois.  Roger, you have built a legacy.  A legacy that is worthy of protection.

As great as Roger is, he does have a weakness.  He doesn’t always select the greatest people to back him up.  Like a certain trustee with ties to the infamous DuPage Township.  Or a trustee with ties to the Bolingbrook STEM Association.  Are we sure she isn’t a follower of scientism?

Robert Jaskiewicz (Left) and Michael Carpanzano at a 2014 Bolingbrook Chamber of Commerce event.

The worst of them, however, is Trustee Michael Carpanzano.  As the Executive Director of the Bolingbrook Area Chamber of Commerce, he gave the “Anti-Roger” —Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz,— the 2014 “Director’s Award of Philanthropic Excellence.”  Are we supposed to believe he now recognizes the great evil that is the “Anti-Roger?”

We don’t think so.  We fear that Carpanzano will charm Roger into endorsing him to be the next mayor.  Once he’s elected, he’ll “carp” Roger, and take direction from the “Anti-Roger.” 

This year, we’ll be celebrating the great things that Roger has done for us.  Next year, we hope that residents will vote to preserve Roger’s legacy by electing the only party that fully supports Roger!

Our Revolution Party
“Bernie or Burn!”

This year’s State of the Village address perfectly encapsulated Bolingbrook.  Roger held a decadent event at a tax-payer funded palace, while the rest of us toil at Amazon warehouses or make over-priced plastic products.  Roger’s cronies eat fine meals while the residents of Bolingbrook eat (expletive deleted) soup and Roger is the one supplying the (expletive deleted)!

Sen. Bernie Sanders has shown us the way.  Compromises will compromise us.  Tactical surrenders to the one percent will become total surrenders.  Business as usual won’t work.  It’s time for a revolution in Bolingbrook!

We have a simple plan to save the residents of Bolingbrook:

  • Enroll all residents into a single health care plan that can be merged into Medicare for All.
  • Ban all fossil fuel cars by 2030.
  • Force Amazon to pay local taxes on their profits.
  • Turn Bolingbrook Commons into a university and trade school that will be free for all residents.

If you have to ask how we can afford these programs, we ask: How can Bolingbrook afford to give tax credits to businesses, and to build a luxury golf club?

The world is burning.  You can either join us in supporting Bernie, or you can burn!

Bolingbrook First
“We made Bolingbrook great!”

We loved listening to Roger tell the truth about the great state of our village.  We just have one thing to add:  You’re welcome.

For decades, Roger worked with us to turn Bolingbrook from a sleepy suburb to an international business hub.  We’re the party of Clerk Carol Penning, Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler, and Trustee Maria Zarate.  We’re the public officials that passed the laws that made Bolingbrook great!

The so-called First Party for Bolingbrook is like a cover band.  The tunes sound familiar, but the performers are just copycats.  Their name is also an insult.  We predate FPB, but they want residents to think they’re the first party that cared about Bolingbrook.  What have Trustee Michael Carpanzano and Trustee Mary Basta done besides follow our plan for Bolingbrook?

Bolingbrook First’s policies and leaders were the key to making Bolingbrook great.  If you want to keep Bolingbrook great and support Roger’s legacy, you should support us.

Roger and Trustee Sheldon Watts may have left our party, but we haven’t left Bolingbrook.

The Positive Party
“Everything is great!”

At the State of the Village address, Roger showed us that the real residents of Bolingbrook have every reason to be positive.  Roger is a positive person, and his positive energy powers Bolingbrook.

Our foes are negative, and they thrive on negative energy from Springfield.  They want to feast on the positive energy of Bolingbrook and turn every resident into an energy vampire.

Don’t let them win.  Don’t say anything negative about our village.  Don’t do anything negative to our village.  Don’t even think negative thoughts about Bolingbrook.  If you do, they will win!  Give in to Michael Carpanzano, and all will be positive in Bolingbrook.  Government by the Secret!  Steven Pinker is always right!

The Art Bell Party
“Keeping an eye on Bolingbrook’s Skies.”

Roger has done a lot of great things for Bolingbrook, and The State of the Village address showed that.  But he didn’t show everything.

Once again, Roger didn’t talk about Clow UFO Base, the largest employer in Bolingbrook.  He didn’t talk about our relationship with the Interstellar Commonwealth, or why he still allows alien abductions to occur in our village.  It’s 2020, don’t you think the aliens have learned everything they’re going to learn by probing us?  I don’t know about you, but I want to get a good nights sleep without worrying about ending up on a space ship with a probe in an unmentionable part of my body!

Roger also didn’t address his alliance with the local wereskunk population.  Their cousins spread trash everywhere, while the wereskunks act like they own Bolingbrook.  It’s so bad that if a wereskunk sprays you, the police won’t bother to chase them.  

We feel it is time for residents to stand up to the wereskunks, end alien abductions, and tell secret societies that we are not pawns in their game of world domination.  We are Bolingbrook, and we must control our own fate!

The Al Gore Party
“We can build a greener, better Bolingbrook”

Roger talked about Bolingbrook’s great history, but we were disappointed that his plans for the future didn’t go beyond maintaining his political machine.

The fact is the climate that allowed Bolingbrook to grow is going away.  Some of that change is irreversible.  Some of the worst effects can be prevented if we start reducing our carbon emissions.  

Roger will accuse us of wanting to ban straws, but that’s not true.  The village can do more good by reducing the use of fossil fuels in Bolingbrook.  Imagine a Bolingbrook where we give tax credits to businesses to create charging stations instead of political favors.  Imagine a Bolingbrook with bike lanes, bike paths, and sidewalks. Imagine a Bolingbrook that brags about adding more trees instead of more ice cream parlors.

Some say we should wait until other suburbs take the lead.  Why?  Why don’t we lead the other suburbs into the future instead?  Why don’t we at least try to ensure a better future for our children, no matter where they may move to?

Roger made bold moves in order to grow Bolingbrook.  We now need to make bold changes to ensure its survival in the new world.  The residents have done it before, and we can do it again! Let’s work together so there will be Bolingbrook residents in the 22nd Century.  Those future residents, we believe, will teach their children about Roger, and preserve his legacy of a village that you can grow with.

Also in the Babbler:

Marianne Williamson astrally announces her endorsement of Rachel Ventura
Claar says Russia can lower the temperature, but it can’t freeze Bolingbrook’s spirit
Jeanne Ives says flyer showed suggested donations in Interstellar Credits, not dollars
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/22/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Residents, aliens and were-dogs enjoy Bolingbrook’s Pride and Puppies event (Mixed)

An alien meets with one of the Bolingbrook Pride volunteers.

Last Sunday, Bolingbrook Pride held their second annual Pride and Puppies Picnic.  This time it was at Village Hall. Organizers estimate that over one thousand people attended. 

The following is a team report from the picnic:

Were-dogs help residents celebrate pride

A pack of were-dogs offered free pets to Pride and Puppies attendees.

“Bolingbrook is our family,” said Becky, who asked that we not use her last name.  “We love our family and we love it when they bring people to love. We let them pet us, and they feel our love.  This pride event is about love.”

One of the attendees who petted Becky told her a story about her own dog: “I grew up with a dog named Pepper.  Whenever I cried, Pepper would be there for me.  I loved her.  But then my parents threw me out of the house when they found out I was queer.  I never saw her again.  Now I own a home with my partner, but whenever I’m in the backyard, I think of Pepper, and how much she would have loved it.”

The attendee’s eyes watered. Becky licked the tears.  The attendee smiled and embraced Becky.

“This is why we’re here,” Becky said, speaking in the dog language.

Elsewhere, a man openly asked why Bolingbrook wasn’t hosting a Straight Pride event.  Bo, a were-dog Welsh Terrier, jumped up and down in front of the man:  “I’ll tell you why!  Because gay relationships are outlawed in 70 countries.  In this country, lawmakers want to use ‘Religious liberty’ to allow discrimination against LBGTQA+ individuals. There was even a hate crime against a Barrington teen a few days ago.  Straight is the default sexuality. Every day is your pride day.  Either let my friends enjoy their day, or leave this space.”

“I think this dog is trying to talk me,” said the man.  “I can’t understand you.  You’re just barking.”

Bo moved away and barked: “Hate does not make you great!”

Representative Bill Foster: ‘The New World Order believes in Universal Gay rights!’
By Reporter X

Congressman Bill Foster manned the Wheaton Township Democrats’ table at Bolingbrook Pride.

US Representative Bill Foster promised alien attendees at the Pride Picnic that he would continue to work to enact the Interstellar Commonwealth’s “Declaration of Gender and Orientation Rights.”

“I agree with the declaration,” said Foster.  I co-sponsored the Equality Act, but that’s just the beginning.  I won’t stop until every gay human on Earth has all the rights outlined in the Commonwealth’s declaration.  No one should be shamed for being LBGQTA—Did I get all the letters?”

Foster then denounced the Illuminati: “Ever since they declared war on the New World Order, the level of hate has increased around the world.  Donald Trump is their blunt instrument to destroy civilization and create chaos in the world.  They say they want freedom, but that’s a lie.  They want to destroy all opposition and then impose their own dictatorship on the world.  Well, I’m not going to let that happen.  I proudly support science, reason, and the New World Order.  E Pluribus Unum!”

Most aliens said they enjoyed talking to Foster.

“Humans like him give me hope for the future of this planet,” said Zoplopgost, who asked that we not identify its homeworld.

An unidentified alien tried to dump shaved ice on Foster but was restrained by a Man in Black.

“Why did you try to attack me?” asked Foster.

“Isn’t dumping food product on a human leader considered a proper greeting?”

“No!  That’s what you do if you hate a politician, and I don’t endorse that kind of wasting of food.”

“Oops.”

————

Mayor Claar takes select Pride attendees on ‘wild’ UFO ride

By Reporter X

Ten attendees to the Bolingbrook Pride event say they went on a “wild” UFO ride with Mayor Roger Claar.

“Roger really is the most important Mayor in the galaxy!” said an anonymous attendee.

All of the attendees were selected at random and raised into a UFO.  Claar then reassured them they would only be gone for about 15 minutes, and he was going to take them on a short interplanetary tour.  

As the attendees sat down, Claar told them that before the first Pride and Puppies event, he was skeptical.

“I thought it was a plot by the Cook County Democrats to corrupt the fine residents of Bolingbrook.  Then my daughter assured me that gay people are Okay.  They just want the freedom to be who they are, and love who they want.  Or not love.  I’m still learning about that ‘A’ part.”

The UFO then flew to the far side of the moon and viewed the UFO Mother Ships hovering over the moon.  A tour guide, who said he was a former US Space Marine, and former 

Bolingbrook Pride organizer described the various species that visit Clow UFO Base.

“Do you know that most alien species have more than one sex and more than one gender identity?” Asked Blake, who asked that we not use his last name.  “It’s like our minds are so small that we can only think of two genders, but the universe is more creative.  Who knew?”

The craft then traveled to Mars.  Claar told them that they couldn’t land because the Martian Colonial Government has quarantined humans.

“They think we’re infected with memes,” said Claar.  “Whatever that means.”

The Bolingbrook Pride Committee from Left to right: Jessica Blackburn, Barbara Parker, Allaina Humphreys, Bob Jaskiewicz, Jessica Parks

On the way back to Bolingbrook, a fleet of alien fascists contacted Claar, and said they wanted to help him “purify Bolingbrook.”  Claar told them to turn over control of their ships to Clow Traffic Control.  Claar then continued to talk about how no one in Bolingbrook understood alien cultures better than he did.

Several minutes later, the alien fascists contacted Claar. They said their ships were flying towards the sun, and they couldn’t regain control.  Claar asked why that was a problem.

“I don’t care what Bolingbrook looks like.  Just as long as I am in charge!”

“But what about our freedom of speech?” asked one of the aliens.

“I draw the line at oppositions parties in Bolingbrook,” replied Claar.  “And your fascist party is way, way, way over the line!”

“But you endorsed Tr—”

Claar turned off the audio and said: “I don’t see Bob sending fascists into the sun.  Do you?”

When reached for comment, Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz replied, “I suppose I could say something about Roger and Uranus, but I’m kind of busy volunteering at the picnic right now.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was away and did not want to take any calls. 

In the background, a man who sounded like Deputy Mayor Michael T. Lawler said: “Thanks, Mike.  Now, I just need one more trustee to join me.  Fortunately, I brought some straws—”

“I volunteer!” said a woman who sounded like Trustee Mary Basta. “As a tribute to—”

“Thank you Jesus!” said a man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts.

“So what do we do?” asked Basta.

“Roger already made a major donation,” said Lawler.  “And we’re letting them hold the event outside of village hall.  So you and I are just going to stand near the edge of the crowd, and talk to the concerned residents.”

Carpanzano added: “I’m going to have pictures of me taken with the volunteers.  Because I care!”

Also in the Babbler: 

Aliens allowed to join the Chicago Pride March
Congressman Sean Casten meets with gay reptoids
Fox News to start pro-Roger Bolingbrook channel
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Bolingbrook covert task force breaks up gay pride toter march (Fiction)

Bolingbrook’s first “gay pride toter march” ended seconds after a covert branch of the Bolingbrook Police Department fired tear gas canisters at the marchers.

“I was just there to watch the parade,” said Maria, a resident of the Winston Village subdivision.  “Next thing I know, there are clouds of gas in the air, and I can’t stop crying.  How could (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) order this?”

An email from the Bolingbrook Anti-toter and Anti-negativity Task Force said it was necessary to disrupt the march: “The mere presence of illegal garbage toters and illegally oversized recycling toters in our village is an act of aggression on behalf of the Cook County Democrats.  We sent a powerful message that any attempt to frighten our residents into owning garbage toters will positively be met with force!”

According to marchers interviewed for this article, they planned to start in Winston Village and then march to the entrance of the Bolingbrook Promenade. The marchers insisted that they were not going to step into Promenade.

Claudia, an organizer who asked that we not use her last name, explained the purpose of the march:  The Bolingbrook Pride Picnic is great, but it’s a mainstream event.  We felt that there should be an alternative event to remind residents that Pride started out as a revolt.  Now we didn’t want to vandalize property—there’s too much of that occurring here.  Instead, we decided that the best rebellious act we could perform was to hold an unsanctioned toter march.  I guess we didn’t realize how much Roger hates toters.”

Dave, a Winston Hills resident, said he witnessed the task force’s attack on the parade:  “I was just looking out my window when I saw three armored personnel carriers parked in front of my home.  All of a sudden, they fired their grenade launchers.  It was such a loud boom.  My ears are still ringing.  I could hear the screams from across the block. I was horrified.  Then a man in a strange uniform came to my door.  He assured me that he was with the village and they were just driving back an invasion of Cook County Democrats.  I was so relieved to hear that.  Thank you, Roger.”

According to organizers, none of the marchers were from Cook County, and most were from Bolingbrook.

The organizers said there were no arrests, and all the marchers were unharmed.

“Our eyes may sting,” said Claudia.  “But we will not go away.”

She also added that the organizers are now planning a surprise dance performance to protest homophobia.

“We’ve already selected the music, and we’re working on the dance.  Oh, and (Trans Exclusive Radical Feminists) are not welcome at our events.  We know that Trump’s discriminatory policies won’t stop with the trans community.  So we have to stand together!”

The Bolingbrook police released a statement denying the existence of the task force and said they had no record of a march taking place in Bolingbrook.

When asked to comment, Claar replied: “Mike says I need to think more positive thoughts.  So I’m thinking that I am on the cusp of being able to walk from my home, have lunch at Portillo’s, and then order a shake from Andy’s Custard before I walk home.  Do you think Bob would have brought Andy’s Custard to my subdivision?”

Also in the Babbler:

Former trustee denies spying on Bolingbrook United members’ text messages
Bolingbrook teenagers ‘selected’ for summer internships at Clow UFO Base
Russian drones spotted at Cavalcade of Planes
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/6/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Web Exclusive: Village of Bolingbrook to establish ‘milkshake-free’ zones (Fiction)

Will milkshakes be banned in certain parts of Bolingbrook? Sources within Village Hall say Mayor Roger Claar will establish “Milkshake-free” zones in Bolingbrook in response to several incidents of protesters tossing milkshakes at politicians.

“We’re trying to get a handle on this now,” said a source, who asked to be identified as Zed.  “I know a certain village trustee thinks we should wait until it becomes an issue in Bolingbrook.  We can’t wait, because the only warning we might have is when Roger is covered in chocolate shake.  Can you imagine how it would look if Roger is about to address potential businesses, and he gets hits with a milkshake?”

Jennifer, who asked that we not use her last name, said the move was necessary because of “unprecedented divisiveness” in Bolingbrook:

“Foes are allowed to vote against Roger’s candidates.  They’re even saying negative things about Roger in board meetings.  Not only that, but foes are allowed to serve on the Village Board, Park District Board, Library Board, and the School Board.  We used to be one Bolingbrook under Roger!”

According to the sources, milkshake-free zones will be established: 

  1. Outside of Claar’s home. 
  2. Around each village trustee’s home, (except for Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the opposition Bolingbrook United Party).  
  3. Milkshakes will also be banned at Village Hall, The Bolingbrook Golf Club, 201 Canterbury LN, and Clow Airport.  
  4. Temporary zones will be established during special events, like the Village Picnic.

Some residents are not pleased with the proposed ban:

“We went through all this trouble to get a second Andy’s Custard,” said Blake Z. Milford.  “Now if I get a milkshake to go, I have to worry about accidentally driving into one of these zones.  I don’t know about you, but I think my freedom to consume a milkshake anywhere is more important than Roger’s dry cleaning bill.”

A member of Bolingbrook United, who asked to remain anonymous, said the party denounced the zones:  “We don’t encourage anyone to toss milkshakes at Roger, but we want the residents to protest the Claar dictatorship.  We suggest that every time Roger tries to bully someone into silence, residents should hold a can, in honor of our Plainfield Library Board member Jason Cann! His commitment to free speech is what all Bolingbrook residents can unite behind.”

When reached for comment, Claar replied: “Milkshake bans?  That’s a stupid idea.  Hell, everyone who opposes me is stupid!  Now listen and learn.  I am not a dictator because I haven’t killed anyone.  Yet.  Instead, I will work with anyone who isn’t a stupid foe.  I—”

“Excuse me,” said a man.

“Who the hell are you?”

“I’m with the Will County Watchdogs.”

“You mean the Edgar County Watchdogs.

“Not exactly.  They got tired of driving over two hundred miles each way to attend Bolingbrook meetings, so they gave me the franchise rights to Will County.”

“Oh sh—!  Well, I’m always willing to support a worthy organization.  How do I make a—”

“Unlike my bosses, I know how things work in Bolingbrook, and we’re not going to play that game.  Instead, I’m going to ask you some questions. You can either cooperate, or I can file a FOIA request—”

“Or you can go (Expletive Deleted) yourself!”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

From the Webmaster: Second Annual Pride Picnic and Puppies set for June 9 (Mixed)

Bolingbrook Pride LogoBolingbrook’s second annual Pride Picnic and Puppies event is set for June 9 from Noon to 6 PM.  This year’s LGBTQ+ pride event will be held behind Village Hall, located at 375 W Briarcliff Rd.  Admission is free.

Family picnic with puppies to cuddle, food for purchase, yard games, bouncy house, music, hug tent, LGBT resources, and more!

Last year, Bolingbrook Pride made history by hosting one of the first LGBTQ+ pride events in the Chicago Suburbs.  It was more impressive considering the short amount of time the organizers had to pull it off.  We’re excited to see what this year’s event will be like.

The Babbler is honored to be one of the many sponsors of this event.  They still need more sponsors and donors, as well as volunteers.

It wasn’t that long ago that holding any kind of LGBTQ+ event in the suburbs was unthinkable.  This year there will also be pride events in Aurora, Buffalo Grove, and Joliet. It’s also interesting to note that both Mayor Roger Claar and members of Bolingbrook United are also sponsors of Bolingbrook’s pride picnic.  There’s still a long way to go in terms of acceptance of the LGBTQ+ community, but we can appreciate the progress that has been made so far.

Woman from the year 2049 denied access to planning forum (Fiction)

The Department of Paranormal Affairs confirmed they deported a time traveler back to the year 2049:

“She wanted to participate in the May 14th  Bolingbrook 2049 forum,” said Alice Z. Williams, spokesperson for the department.  “Unfortunately, both the New World Order and the Illuminati specifically forbid interactions with time travelers.  Yes, she could have offered concrete suggestions for how to prepare for the next 30 years- But rules are rules.  The forum participants will have to settle for educated guesses and wild speculation.”

According to Williams, the time traveler knocked on the door of a “a trustee-elect we will not name at this time.”  The time traveler, according to Williams, demanded that she be allowed to address the forum because she’s from the year 2049.

“Suspect X,” said Williams, “Made it very clear that she would not be a positive, affirming presence at the event.  The trustee-elect contacted us, and we apprehended her before she could do more damage to the timeline.”

When pressed for specifics, Williams said the time traveler claimed that Bolingbrook in 2049 was dealing with several waives of climate refugees, many of them from the Southwest region of the United States.  Bolingbrook was still in debt due to repeated reconstruction from floods and tornados.  

“Apparently,” said Williams, “At some point, the government will have stopped providing disaster relief and insurance companies will have stopped covering natural disasters.”

The Bolingbrook economy will be suffering due to the loss of storefronts, the collapse of the agriculture in Illinois due to droughts, and numerous polar vortexes.  Thousands of retirees will migrate back to Bolingbrook, putting a strain of Bolingbrook’s social services.  This will be compounded since townships were abolished in Illinois.

When asked if the time traveler had any positive news, Williams said the time traveler told them all elections will be suspended due to the “Long Emergency,” and Facebook will be shutdown by the Federal Government.

Trustee-elect Michael Carpanzano denied being visited by a time traveler:  “You shouldn’t write stupid stories like this.  You should be telling your readers that Bolingbrook 2049 is the only serious forum for residents to plan the future of Bolingbrook.”

“Actually,” said a woman.  “Residents can also attend our Memo to the Mayor forum on May 15.  It’s free, and starts at 7 PM, when most residents can attend. We feel that you shouldn’t have to choose between your job and the future of Bolingbrook.”

Carpanzano pulled a rubber carp out of his jacket pocket then held it up to her face.  He then faced this reporter and said, “As I was saying…”

Also in the Babbler:

Jesus unharmed after being debunked by atheist

Bolingbrook increases abduction limit for each UFO

Carpanzano android explodes during first test

God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/16/19

From the webmaster: Our top ten most popular stories of 2018 (Fiction)

By Wendy Ononfrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

File photo of former CSI feline fellow Cassie.

Before we say goodbye to 2018, I thought it would be fun to look back at our most popular stories this year:

10)Acting Clow UFO Base administrator considers accepting transgender refugees The last we heard, a decision is still pending.
9)Illuminati honors Qanon at the Bolingbrook Golf Club She’s still going strong in some corners of the Internet.
8)From the webmaster: Bolingbrook Pride to host ‘Pride Picnic and Puppies’ on June 10 The next event is planned for June 2019 at Village Hall.
7) Village Board celebrates the opening of ‘troll farm’ in Bolingbrook They’re still in business and we can expect to see their work during the 2019 campaign.
6) Mayor Claar defiant as Clow UFO Base reopens Roger may not control Clow UFO Base currently, but he might after the April election.
5) Anonymous Sources: Rogue Township trustees set fire to IKEA solar panel The war between the Illuminati and the New World Order reached the DuPage Township.  Allegiances may have changed since this story was published, but the fighting rages on. Even the Edgar County Watchdogs, rumored to be Illuminati operatives, have joined the fight.
4) Center for Inquiry responds to harassment allegations against Lawrence Krauss by firing its feline fellows This one has kind of a happy ending. Krauss will retire in 2019 and the cats are enjoying their new home at the American Humanist Association.
3) The Roger Claar Party launches the first attack ad against the First Party for Bolingbrook The 2019 campaign is off to a negative start with a bold attack ad by the Roger Claar Party, which isn’t affiliated with Mayor Roger Claar.
2) Amid controversy, Joshie Berger opens a restaurant at Clow UFO Base It was closed during the uprising at Clow UFO Base, but it is now open again. Though it is not as popular as the WeatherTech restaurants.

And the number one story:

1) Illuminati honors Professor Jordan Peterson The Bolingbrook Golf Club was the place to be if you were a member of the Illuminati.

 

Village Board attends the first Bolingbrook’s Enlightened Discussion conference (Fiction)

Village Board members and selected guests attended the first Bolingbrook’s Enlightened Discussion conference, which was held during the Bolingbrook Jubilee.  Modeled after the popular T.E.D. conferences, the goal of B.E.D, according to promotional materials, is to promote “Real talk about real solutions for Bolingbrook’s real residents.”

Hosted at the Village Hall, attendees divided their time between speakers and the festival outside.

“I’ve never been to a conference that also had carnival rides,” Said John, a Bolingbrook business owner who asked that we not publish his last name.  “This is fun and enlightening.  That’s what makes Bolingbrook, Bolingbrook.”

One of the organizers, who asked not to be identified, said the conference, which has been in the planning stages since 2010, is important to the future of Bolingbrook:  “There’s a certain group of people who always complain about things, but never offer solutions.  At least we’re offering solutions.  Solutions that are so far outside the box, you can’t see the box from their location.”

Speaker Blake Walker Swain talked about changing the length of political office terms in Bolingbrook:  “We know one four year term is too short.  Bolingbrook has had too many one term or less mayors.  We know two terms aren’t long enough either.  Just look at Mayor Bob Bailey.  Everyone here knows that Bolingbrook functions best when we have a mayor that seems to have a limitless term.”

Swain proposed that Bolingbrook mayors should be elected to one 40 year term.  He also suggested that trustees should be appointed by the mayor to a ten-year term.  A mayor could then reappoint trustees at their discretion.

“The usual suspects won’t like this plan,” said Swain.  “But intellectually, we know this is a good plan.  It includes term limits, which one side wants, and it does away with mob rule, which is what Bolingbrook’s real residents want.”

Thomas Z. Miller proposed abolishing local taxes and fees and replacing them with an online fundraising page:  “It would be just like Patreon.  The more you donate each month, the more benefits you would receive.  Now the usual suspects would say this is corruption.  But I say its common sense, and I’m sure the thought leaders in the audience agree with me.”

Mayor Roger Claar and the trustees who are members of Claar’s Bolingbrook First party smiled and nodded during the speeches.

Near the end of the conference, Bolingbrook United trustee Robert Jaskiewicz said to Claar: “All I’m hearing are proposals.  When do we get to the discussion part?  I want to go over the problems with these ideas.”

 Claar reached into a cooler and pulled out a frozen Asian Carp.  He extended it towards Jaskiewicz.

“What are you doing?”  asked Jaskiewicz.

Claar pulled the fish back and examined it.  “It didn’t trigger Bob.  What am I doing wrong?”

Also in the Babbler:

Jaycees remove psychic from bingo tent
Residents upset over the lack of UFO rides at the Jubilee
Time traveler confused by cover bands performing at the Jubilee
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/22/18

From the Webmaster: Why we need events like the Bolingbrook Pride Picnic (Mixed)

By Wendy Onofrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

Rainbow Flag

Image from the Bolingbrook Pride page.

On the eve of the Bolingbrook Pride Picnic and Puppies event, I’d thought I should point out this article from fellow Freethought member Trav Mamone:

It’s Pride Month. A time to celebrate all things queer and trans, remember those who lost their lives in the struggle for human rights, and explain—again—to straight people why there’s no Straight Pride Month. This false equivalency boils down to the common misconception that LGBTQ people like myself are celebrating something we didn’t achieve through hard work, like being born with a certain sexual orientation or gender identity. What people fail to realize is we’re celebrating something we achieved: all the accomplishments the LGBTQ rights movement has made so far, and that we choose to love ourselves in the face of bigotry.

You can read the rest here.

As Mamone also points out, there is still more work to be.  Last year Sarah Sanders said the administration believed that business have the right to refuse service to gays.  President Donald Trump is currently trying to ban transgender individuals from serving in the military. Kansas and Oklahoma now allow adoption agencies that receive taxpayer money to deny adoptions to gays for religious reasons.  In Illinois, Jeanne Ives almost won the primary race for Governor despite running a flagrantly transphobic ad.

So tomorrow, let’s celebrate the first Pride event in Bolingbrook.  It is a significant milestone that should be celebrated.  Let’s also remember that there’s more to be done and that the progress that’s been made still needs to be defended.