Bolingbrook to bid on the 2042 Winter Olympics? (Fiction)

Will the 2042 Winter Olympics be held in Bolingbrook?  Sources inside village hall say the village will bid for the games.

A cartoon skunk waves at the reader. Below it are the words "Bolingbrook 2042" and the Olympic Rings.

An alleged graphic of Snowy The Winter Olympic Skunk, the alleged mascot for Bolingbrook’s Olympic bid.

“We don’t have mountains, or an Olympic stadium, or the right climate,” said one source.  “But why should that stop us?”

A member of the Bolingbrook STEM Association confirmed the planned bid.  “Roger came up to me and said we needed to design a winter Olympic complex,” she said.  “I laughed until I realized that he was serious.  He said former Trustee Leroy Brown told him that when you believe in God, you can do build anything.  Since I believe in God, Roger told me that I shouldn’t have any problem designing it.”  She added:  “Roger wanted to host an Olympics because it would humiliate Chicago if Bolingbrook won its bid while Chicago didn’t.  I asked why he wanted to host a winter Olympics instead of a summer Olympics.  He said he’d show me pictures of his granddaughter if I stopped asking questions.”

According to the sources, the bid would commit the village to the most significant infrastructure project since the village’s founding.  It includes a promise to add 100,000 seats to Rocket Ice Arena.  It also promises to add a dome to the Bolingbrook High School Stadium so it could also be used to host events, like speed skating.  The Leroy Brown Olympic Village would be built on the site now occupied by Bolingbrook Commons.  Bolingbrook, according to the bid, would work with the village of Lisle to raise the height of Four Lakes’ ski hill by “several thousand feet” to make it suitable for downhill events.

Sources say that the plan is for the village to use the revenue from the sale of its remaining lots at Americana Estates to pay for its Olympic plans.  The sources said if the sales didn’t generate enough money, the village charter would be amended so the village would be required to issue the necessary bonds in 2032.

“This way, Roger can keep his promise not to add to the village’s debt because the bonds will be issued long after he’s out of office.  It will be some other mayor’s problem.”

Anonymous economic advisors for the Bolingbrook United party condemned the proposed bid.  According to them, the debt from preparing for an Olympics can take decades to pay off.  They noted that it took Montreal thirty years to pay off its debt from hosting the 1976 Summer Olympics.

“This could turn out to be the most expensive bid in Olympic history,” said one of the economists.  “That’s before taking global warming into account.  Olympic games are a terrible investment for any community except Los Angeles.  The best move for Bolingbrook would be not to bid for any Olympic games.”

An anonymous member of the village staff defended the proposed bid.  “Some people only think about negatives.  I’d rather think about the positives— Like the billions of people watching a future Mayor Claar opening the Olympics, and the world falling in love with our mascot, Snowy the Winter Olympic Skunk.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was in a meeting with a trustee and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man said, “You know, Bob might be on to something.”

“I’ll ignore that you said the “B” word, and give you a few seconds to explain yourself.”

“Sorry.  Um, even though we outsourced production of the village directory to the Chamber of Commerce, we still are responsible for any mistakes that are in it.”

“Are you attacking the Village staff?”

“Not at all.  Our staff members want to do a good job.  The flaw is with the process behind producing the directory, not them.  Shouldn’t we review the process and fix it so we can empower our staff to fix errors in the directory?”

“Why?  Every time an isolated mistake happens, Bob points it out, and I tell a sob story about the village employee involved.  The voters feel sympathy towards my village staff, and I make Mr. B look like a bad person.  When I make him look bad, I hurt his party and help our party.  Don’t think of these isolated incidents as problems to be solved.  Think of them as opportunities to exploit.”

“Okay?  So the message we want to send to our staff is—”

“Don’t be afraid to screw up.”

Also in the Babbler:

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God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/8/18 

Clow UFO Base bans Colin Kaepernick from exhibition football game (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The Department of Paranormal Affairs banned Colin Kaepernick from playing in the Clow UFO Base exhibition football game. It is scheduled for November 3rd.

“It has nothing to do with his perceived disrespect for the great and noble flag of the United States,” read the press release to interstellar media outlets.  “Colin is simply not eligible to be a player in the game because he has not officially retired from the NFL. Until he officially retires, he will not be allowed on the base.”

The game, Started in 1990, features NFL and college players.  Instead of wearing pads and helmets, players wear personal force fields.  No one has been injured during a game.

Randy X. Miller, the coach of the Blue Team, tried to draft Kaepernick.

“This decision is outrageous,” said Miller.  “The rule states that players must be out of the NFL at the time of the game with little chance of being signed by a team.  It does not say that a player has to announce his retirement.  This decision has nothing to do with that rule.  This decision has everything to do with Kaepernick refusing to stand for the National Anthem.  We don’t play it anyway during this game!”

The press release also reads: “Bolingbrook is known for its patriotic themed golf club and the proudly named Americana Estates luxury homes.  Mayor Roger Claar, who knew both President Ronald Reagan and President Donald Trump, is a proud American who knows when to stand and when to put his right hand on his heart.  He also knows that freedom is not the freedom to do whatever you want.”

Travis Z. Nelson, the coach of the Green Team, supports the ruling:

“Sure racism is bad, but Trump is the President, and we have to support our President.  It’s time to say to say to the universe that we are not ashamed of electing him president, and what are you going to do about it?  Oops.  Maybe I shouldn’t have said that.  Can you change that to read politics has nothing to do with sports, and we are proud to be starting Brett Farve, the best inactive quarterback out there?”

Some longtime fans of the game are threatening to boycott the game, including Xikobeet:

“I come to this Clow game, so I can experience football the way thousands of select rich humans see the regular game.  If they’re not going to play the best players because one of them is protesting racism, then why bother?  I can just fly over Soldier Field and watch the Bears lose from the comfort of my spacecraft.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar could not be reached for comment, but Trustee Michael Lawler said:

“You know, when I was appointed to the Village Board, Bolingbrook was a washed out— Damnit.  I did it again.  Well, whatever you’re writing about, just remember that I support Roger!”

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Lost Jewish Tribes to send battleships to protect local synagogues during Yom Kippur
God will spare Bolingbrook this week

Melania Trump raids Clow UFO Base during Super Bowl LI (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Melania Trump, who is in charge of all Illuminati controlled UFO Bases in the US, and an army of Illuminati agents raided Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base following the first half of Super Bowl LI

“There is no way the Falcons are leading.” Melania yelled as she crashed the Clow base.   “Someone here is cheating and I’m not leaving until I get answers!”

Zoicox, a resident of Barnard’s Star, claims she was interrogated during halftime.  “My crew wasn’t anywhere near the Super Bowl.  We didn’t pass the audition to be one of Lady Gaga’s drones, so we decided to watch the game here.  That was a mistake.”

Mrs. Trump, who is in charge of all Illuminati controlled UFO bases in the US, marched through the bars and lounges of Clow.  She accused any crews flying near Texas as being part of an “illegal protest.”

“Donald wants to be happy, and I want him to be happy.  This protest is not making him happy!  When he’s not happy, I’m not happy.  You don’t want see me unhappy, do you?”

Mrs. Trump claimed that there were 300 aliens directly involved in the protest, and that everyone at Clow knew who they were.

She was heard to have said: “Would they go to Area 51 for you?”  “All of you are going to Area 51 unless all of you cooperate!”

JoGlo, a resident of Alpha Centauri D, said he was arrested by the Illuminati for wearing Falcons’ sports apparel.  “I liked the shirts, and I thought it would nice for Matt Ryan to finally win a Super Bowl.  Instead, I was put in restraints, and told I was being sent to Area 51.  I didn’t do anything wrong, or at least anything that warranted a live vivisection!”

Just as Lady Gaga’s halftime performance started, Mrs. Trump released the suspects.  Some eyewitnesses said that she was told that Lady Gaga was gong to perform a satanic ritual to ensure a Patriots victory.  Others say that she was told that Pro-Trump aliens were going use their technology to “undo the cheating” allegedly done by other aliens.

Melania was heard saying, “I have to get back to Donald.  My android double must be malfunctioning by now.”

After she left, many aliens stayed to watch the greatest comeback in Super Bowl history.  Still, not all aliens were happy.

“I came here to have fun, and I almost died!”  said Zoicox.  “This territory is taking its anti-safe space policies too far!”

Mayor Roger Claar could not be reached for comment.

Also in the Babbler:

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Aliens to join protest against Mayor Roger Claar
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/9/17