Trustee Troy Doris breaks the lunar triple jump record to win the Interplanetary Goodwill Games (Fiction)

File photo of Bolingbrook Trustee and interplanetary record holder Troy Doris.

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Trustee and former Olympian Troy Doris won the Triple Jump competition at the Interplanetary Goodwill Games. His 102.6 meter (336.61 feet) jump shattered the official Lunar Humanoid Triple Jump Record.

“This is a year of firsts!” Doris said at a press conference following his victory.  “I won my first election.  I met my first alien.  I took my first trip to the moon.  Now I’ve won my first Unobtainium medal! And the year isn’t over yet.”

The Interplanetary Goodwill Games are held once every 20 Martian years.  Sentient species from around the solar system compete in over 200 games, including track and field.  Doris competed for the Clow UFO Base team, which was one of ten teams from Earth that qualified to compete in the games.

While Doris had hoped to compete in the 2020 Olympics, he was glad he chose the Goodwill Games instead.

“It seems like the Tokyo games are trying to kill you, kill your career, or kill your ability to compete.  Here, I don’t have to worry about any COVID variants.  I can focus on having one last great competition.  Then I can look forward to my new career as the token Democratic member of the First Party for Bolingbrook.  As long as I don’t make any waves, I’ll have a long career with them.”

Doris fouled on his first two attempts.  His first attempt ended when his first jump, the hop, caused him to crash into the domed ceiling.  Though the collision resulted in a large bump on his head, he vowed to keep competing.

“As long as I still had aerial body awareness, there was no reason for me to stop competing. I just had to get used to the moon’s low gravity.  It’s hard when you’re not wearing a 180 lbs. space suit.”

Doris made the record-breaking jump on his fifth attempt.  At the time he was in fifth place, and told the only way he could win was to break the Lunar record.  Posci, a competitor from Jovian moon Io, was the leader with his 90-meter jump.

“This time I wasn’t afraid that I was going to launch myself into orbit.  I could only do that on an asteroid or comet.  So I thought about the physics of my angles, imagined that (Former Mayor Roger Claar) was chasing me, and then ran like hell.  When I didn’t fall asleep after the hop, I knew I had a chance to break the record, and I did.”

After thanking his family, Doris also thanked Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta for allowing him to compete in the games and the staff of the Babbler for inspiring him.

“I remember reading about aliens in the Babbler and wanting to compete against them.  My mother said if I worked hard, and proved my loyalty to Roger, my dream could come true.  Today it did.  Thanks to the Babbler for inspiring me, and thanks to Tony’s Fresh Market for sponsoring the First Party for Bolingbrook and myself. No matter how long you’ve been in business, staying fresh is the key to success for both Tony’s and the First Party!”

A receptionist for Basta said she was working from home due to the “substantial spread of the Delta Variant in Will County.”

In the background of the video call, a woman in a biohazard suit walked up to Trustee Sheldon Watts, a member of the Bolingbrook Independent Voices party.

“Charlene,” said Watts.  “What are you doing here in that biohazard suit?  You’re vaccinated.”

“Not against the Omega variant,” Charlene replied.

“Omega variant?” asked Watts.  “There’s no such thing.”

“Not yet, and I’m not waiting for a vaccine-resistant COVID strain to evolve before I start protecting myself.  But let’s talk about the real reason I’m here.”

“I’m afraid to ask.”

“I’ll ignore that,” Charlene replied.  “I have a great idea to improve your standing among Democrats.”

“You know I’m trying to transcend both parties and be a truly independent voice for Bolingbrook.”

“And we know how that went over in the last election,” Charline replied.  “Anyway, you need to get #fercalicious!”

“What?”

“It’s the hottest thing among Democrats who want to work on their climate fitness.  Just listen to Representative Sean Casten!”

Charlene started playing a video on her smartphone.

“Hold up!”  Watts yelled.  “This is one of your deep fakes.  Right?  A middle-aged congressman imitating Fergie to promote the Federal Energy Regulatory Commission?”

“You’re overthinking this!” replied Charline.  She then stepped next to Watts and held up her cellphone.  “Just channel your inner Will.I.Am and you’ll be a hit with the liberal residents on TikTok!  Mary and (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere) will never put it down like you.”

Also in the Babbler:

Palatine resident burns yard to fight rose-killing vine
Trustee Carpanzano apologizes to the ghost of Mayor Rosenthal
Mayor Alexander-Basta sets record for most interviews with Egypt Today
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/5/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook Skeptics declare ‘Woo State of Emergency’ following botched Bears field goal (Fiction)

The Bolingbrook Skeptics declared a “Woo State of Emergency” following Bears kicker Cody Parkey’s missed field goal against the Philadelphia Eagles in their playoff game. The press release stated:

“At times of heightened emotions, we must stand guard against the evil forces of woo.  We must not let this one game send Bolingbrook back into the dark ages of superstition and feminism!”

The press release insists that residents should not blame God, the Illuminati, the New World Order, aliens, ghosts, or any other supernatural explanation for the kick, which hit the upright, bounced off the crossbar, then landed back on the field:

“Cody Parkey has a history of hitting the uprights.  Therefore it does not defy the odds that he hit the uprights during this game.  Instead, residents should be amazed that he made any kicks at all.”

It also warned of the dangers of residents believing supernatural explanations:

“If we allow any belief in the supernatural, no matter how minor, to grow, the results will be disastrous.  Bolingbrook will then become infected with unhealthy beliefs, like: Bigfoot exists, God is real, the Bolingbrook Babbler is a reliable source of information, Richard Dawkins doesn’t always know what he’s talking about, Sam Harris is flirting with racism, and Bolingbrook is the greatest community in the world.”

It concluded with a call for help from the Bolingbrook STEM Association, stating: “Our membership is depleted.  Women and (People of Color) don’t want to join.”

A woman who claimed to be a member of the Bolingbrook STEM Association said no one from Bolingbrook Skeptics had contacted them, and they had never heard of them.

“It sounds like they support STEM.  As we like to say around here, STEM is good.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Village Trustee Sheldon Watts said, “Charlene Spencer!  Did you make this meme?”

“Yes.  It’s my best one yet.”

“I thought you were on my side.”

“I am.”

“This meme says I have ties to Michael Madigan.  That’s not true.”

“You remember the last election?  The Republicans spent millions of dollars saying every Illinois Democrat has ties to Michael.  As a result, the Democrats won a super majority in both houses, swept the state offices, and obliterated us in Will County.”

“So?”

“If you can’t beat them.  Join them.”

Note: This is a work of fiction.

Bolingbrook to bid on the 2042 Winter Olympics? (Fiction)

Will the 2042 Winter Olympics be held in Bolingbrook?  Sources inside village hall say the village will bid for the games.

A cartoon skunk waves at the reader. Below it are the words "Bolingbrook 2042" and the Olympic Rings.

An alleged graphic of Snowy The Winter Olympic Skunk, the alleged mascot for Bolingbrook’s Olympic bid.

“We don’t have mountains, or an Olympic stadium, or the right climate,” said one source.  “But why should that stop us?”

A member of the Bolingbrook STEM Association confirmed the planned bid.  “Roger came up to me and said we needed to design a winter Olympic complex,” she said.  “I laughed until I realized that he was serious.  He said former Trustee Leroy Brown told him that when you believe in God, you can do build anything.  Since I believe in God, Roger told me that I shouldn’t have any problem designing it.”  She added:  “Roger wanted to host an Olympics because it would humiliate Chicago if Bolingbrook won its bid while Chicago didn’t.  I asked why he wanted to host a winter Olympics instead of a summer Olympics.  He said he’d show me pictures of his granddaughter if I stopped asking questions.”

According to the sources, the bid would commit the village to the most significant infrastructure project since the village’s founding.  It includes a promise to add 100,000 seats to Rocket Ice Arena.  It also promises to add a dome to the Bolingbrook High School Stadium so it could also be used to host events, like speed skating.  The Leroy Brown Olympic Village would be built on the site now occupied by Bolingbrook Commons.  Bolingbrook, according to the bid, would work with the village of Lisle to raise the height of Four Lakes’ ski hill by “several thousand feet” to make it suitable for downhill events.

Sources say that the plan is for the village to use the revenue from the sale of its remaining lots at Americana Estates to pay for its Olympic plans.  The sources said if the sales didn’t generate enough money, the village charter would be amended so the village would be required to issue the necessary bonds in 2032.

“This way, Roger can keep his promise not to add to the village’s debt because the bonds will be issued long after he’s out of office.  It will be some other mayor’s problem.”

Anonymous economic advisors for the Bolingbrook United party condemned the proposed bid.  According to them, the debt from preparing for an Olympics can take decades to pay off.  They noted that it took Montreal thirty years to pay off its debt from hosting the 1976 Summer Olympics.

“This could turn out to be the most expensive bid in Olympic history,” said one of the economists.  “That’s before taking global warming into account.  Olympic games are a terrible investment for any community except Los Angeles.  The best move for Bolingbrook would be not to bid for any Olympic games.”

An anonymous member of the village staff defended the proposed bid.  “Some people only think about negatives.  I’d rather think about the positives— Like the billions of people watching a future Mayor Claar opening the Olympics, and the world falling in love with our mascot, Snowy the Winter Olympic Skunk.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was in a meeting with a trustee and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man said, “You know, Bob might be on to something.”

“I’ll ignore that you said the “B” word, and give you a few seconds to explain yourself.”

“Sorry.  Um, even though we outsourced production of the village directory to the Chamber of Commerce, we still are responsible for any mistakes that are in it.”

“Are you attacking the Village staff?”

“Not at all.  Our staff members want to do a good job.  The flaw is with the process behind producing the directory, not them.  Shouldn’t we review the process and fix it so we can empower our staff to fix errors in the directory?”

“Why?  Every time an isolated mistake happens, Bob points it out, and I tell a sob story about the village employee involved.  The voters feel sympathy towards my village staff, and I make Mr. B look like a bad person.  When I make him look bad, I hurt his party and help our party.  Don’t think of these isolated incidents as problems to be solved.  Think of them as opportunities to exploit.”

“Okay?  So the message we want to send to our staff is—”

“Don’t be afraid to screw up.”

Also in the Babbler:

Village Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz sets the record for longest trustee report
Mothman threatens Bolingbrook Jaycees
Alien disqualified from Rotary Club Mac N Cheese contest
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/8/18 

Clow UFO Base bans Colin Kaepernick from exhibition football game (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The Department of Paranormal Affairs banned Colin Kaepernick from playing in the Clow UFO Base exhibition football game. It is scheduled for November 3rd.

“It has nothing to do with his perceived disrespect for the great and noble flag of the United States,” read the press release to interstellar media outlets.  “Colin is simply not eligible to be a player in the game because he has not officially retired from the NFL. Until he officially retires, he will not be allowed on the base.”

The game, Started in 1990, features NFL and college players.  Instead of wearing pads and helmets, players wear personal force fields.  No one has been injured during a game.

Randy X. Miller, the coach of the Blue Team, tried to draft Kaepernick.

“This decision is outrageous,” said Miller.  “The rule states that players must be out of the NFL at the time of the game with little chance of being signed by a team.  It does not say that a player has to announce his retirement.  This decision has nothing to do with that rule.  This decision has everything to do with Kaepernick refusing to stand for the National Anthem.  We don’t play it anyway during this game!”

The press release also reads: “Bolingbrook is known for its patriotic themed golf club and the proudly named Americana Estates luxury homes.  Mayor Roger Claar, who knew both President Ronald Reagan and President Donald Trump, is a proud American who knows when to stand and when to put his right hand on his heart.  He also knows that freedom is not the freedom to do whatever you want.”

Travis Z. Nelson, the coach of the Green Team, supports the ruling:

“Sure racism is bad, but Trump is the President, and we have to support our President.  It’s time to say to say to the universe that we are not ashamed of electing him president, and what are you going to do about it?  Oops.  Maybe I shouldn’t have said that.  Can you change that to read politics has nothing to do with sports, and we are proud to be starting Brett Farve, the best inactive quarterback out there?”

Some longtime fans of the game are threatening to boycott the game, including Xikobeet:

“I come to this Clow game, so I can experience football the way thousands of select rich humans see the regular game.  If they’re not going to play the best players because one of them is protesting racism, then why bother?  I can just fly over Soldier Field and watch the Bears lose from the comfort of my spacecraft.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar could not be reached for comment, but Trustee Michael Lawler said:

“You know, when I was appointed to the Village Board, Bolingbrook was a washed out— Damnit.  I did it again.  Well, whatever you’re writing about, just remember that I support Roger!”

Also in the Babbler:

Support victims of hurricane season 2017
Mayor Claar:  I will get my flags back!
Trustee Jaskiewicz vows to protect Asteroid 153289 Rebeccawatson from Mayor Claar
Lost Jewish Tribes to send battleships to protect local synagogues during Yom Kippur
God will spare Bolingbrook this week

Melania Trump raids Clow UFO Base during Super Bowl LI (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Melania Trump, who is in charge of all Illuminati controlled UFO Bases in the US, and an army of Illuminati agents raided Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base following the first half of Super Bowl LI

“There is no way the Falcons are leading.” Melania yelled as she crashed the Clow base.   “Someone here is cheating and I’m not leaving until I get answers!”

Zoicox, a resident of Barnard’s Star, claims she was interrogated during halftime.  “My crew wasn’t anywhere near the Super Bowl.  We didn’t pass the audition to be one of Lady Gaga’s drones, so we decided to watch the game here.  That was a mistake.”

Mrs. Trump, who is in charge of all Illuminati controlled UFO bases in the US, marched through the bars and lounges of Clow.  She accused any crews flying near Texas as being part of an “illegal protest.”

“Donald wants to be happy, and I want him to be happy.  This protest is not making him happy!  When he’s not happy, I’m not happy.  You don’t want see me unhappy, do you?”

Mrs. Trump claimed that there were 300 aliens directly involved in the protest, and that everyone at Clow knew who they were.

She was heard to have said: “Would they go to Area 51 for you?”  “All of you are going to Area 51 unless all of you cooperate!”

JoGlo, a resident of Alpha Centauri D, said he was arrested by the Illuminati for wearing Falcons’ sports apparel.  “I liked the shirts, and I thought it would nice for Matt Ryan to finally win a Super Bowl.  Instead, I was put in restraints, and told I was being sent to Area 51.  I didn’t do anything wrong, or at least anything that warranted a live vivisection!”

Just as Lady Gaga’s halftime performance started, Mrs. Trump released the suspects.  Some eyewitnesses said that she was told that Lady Gaga was gong to perform a satanic ritual to ensure a Patriots victory.  Others say that she was told that Pro-Trump aliens were going use their technology to “undo the cheating” allegedly done by other aliens.

Melania was heard saying, “I have to get back to Donald.  My android double must be malfunctioning by now.”

After she left, many aliens stayed to watch the greatest comeback in Super Bowl history.  Still, not all aliens were happy.

“I came here to have fun, and I almost died!”  said Zoicox.  “This territory is taking its anti-safe space policies too far!”

Mayor Roger Claar could not be reached for comment.

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook atheist converts to Christianity after Patriots victory
CFI Chicago to host Feline Lovers in Secularism 2
Aliens to join protest against Mayor Roger Claar
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/9/17