New World Order opens UFO bases in Palatine and Peotone (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The New World Order officially opened its Palatine and Peotone UFO Bases over the weekend.  The two bases will compete with Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, which was controlled by the Illuminati, and is currently being administered by the Interstellar Commonwealth.

Select local residents and political leaders celebrated as the first cargo of computer chips landed at Peotone UFO Base.

“I’m so happy,” said Village Clark Donna Werner.  “To paraphrase Carol Burnett, – It’s like giving birth after being pregnant for 51 years— and the baby is beautiful!”

Will County Executive Larry Walsh spoke briefly at the opening:

“I love talking about how Will County is now the gateway to the stars.  First, though, I have to address the most pressing concern of our residents:  How will this new UFO base affect their property taxes?  Thanks to the fees that will be generated by this base, we will now have the option to reduce your property taxes.  We are so fortunate to be able to collect revenue from two UFO bases.”

Will County Board member Jackie Traynere praised the opening of the base, but expressed hope that the conflict between the New World Order and the Illuminati would end soon:

“Someday, I hope someday, we can merge Clow and Peotone UFO bases.  If that happens, then both communities will be the home of the largest UFO base on Earth, period.”

Clow UFO Base is currently the largest urban UFO base in the world.

In Palatine, the New World Order held a grand opening party at the Park Place Shopping Center.  The seemly abandoned mall is actually one of the control centers for the base.

Village Manager Reid Ottesen thanked the New World Order for selecting Palatine, but said he still objected to the name of the base:

“Did you really have to call it the Rob Sherman UFO Base?  He’s the reason we don’t have a village seal.”

“He was our best operative in this area,” replied Thomas Xavier, the New World Order’s Administrator for Illinois.

“Why not name it after our best writer, Frederik Pohl?”

“More of our alien visitors remember Rob’s debate with the Space Pope than have read any of his books.”

“That’s sad.”

Ottesen then reminded the audience that Mayor Jim Schwantz, and every other Cook County political leader, was not aware of the base.  

“That’s another bad idea, but our village really needs the money, so I can’t complain too much.”

“I don’t care if someone is a member of the Democratic or Republican Party,” replied Xavier.    A Cook County politician is a Cook County politician.  As long as you keep them away from our base, we will reward your village.”

Representative Sean Casten, who lives in DuPage County, thanked the New World Order for paying the salaries of Federal Workers at Sherman UFO Base during the Federal Government shutdown.  He also reflected on his time as an employee at Clow UFO Base. Then, he apologized to the aliens in the audience:

“This not our country’s finest moment.  This is not our species finest moment.  We are divided, and our planet is in danger of overheating.  I hope that in this moment, good people will stand up and do what is right for our planet, and my district.  Please give us a chance to prove ourselves worthy of membership in the Interstellar Commonwealth.”

Schwantz arrived near the end of the celebration.  He was told that he was attending a costume party to celebrate the new businesses planned for the mall.  He complimented aliens for their “great costume designs” then gave a brief speech:

“Palatine is a great community,” he said.  “So I hope the owners don’t have any secrets to hide.”

The crowd gasped.  

“Relax.  I was just referring to that one Indian Restaurant that had a secret Mexican restaurant inside.  I still can’t figure that one out.”

Xavier mumbled something about the closing of a New World Order affiliated facility.

“Anyway, I’m sorry we can’t watch a Bears game this weekend but do say welcome to the community.  I can’t wait to see what you’re going to do with this mall.  I’m guessing one of the new businesses is going to be a costume shop.”

“Sure,” replied Xavier.  “That’s the plan.”

A member of the Interstellar Tribes of Israel, who asked not to be named, said he was looking forward to visiting Palatine:  

“Now I can attend Kol Hadash and Beth Chaverim services and not deal with the long car drive from Bolingbrook.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar called the two bases, “Pale imitations of Clow that will go out of business within a year.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook survives another Russian snow attack
Trustee Maripat Oliver says her campaign website is unfinished, not proof of a split-personality
Weredeer endorse the First Party for Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/15/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Space Aliens to be evicted from Americana Estates (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Space aliens living in Bolingbrook’s Americana Estates subdivision received eviction notices from the Village of Bolingbrook.

“The village can no longer maintain the illusion that we own 46 vacant lots in an expensive subdivision,” said Joan Armstrong, a spokesperson for the Department of Interstellar Affairs.  We need to fill those lots with visible homes, and that is not consistent with housing our visitors.”  Armstrong added that Clow UFO Base will have more than enough space to house all alien visitors.

Though Clow UFO Base is currently under the control of aliens protesters, Armstrong insisted that the evictions were not a retaliatory response.

Zabz, president of the Americana Estates Interstellar Residents Association, disagreed:  “(Mayor Roger Claar) said we had to stop the protest or there would be consequences.  We have no control over the occupation.  That’s why we’re staying in our homes.  Now we have to leave.  Do you know what the penalty is for a visitor to be homeless?  Death!”

Golez, a 5-year resident, feels betrayed by Claar:  “He said he was going to move here, add android guards, and let us live here for the rest of our lives.  Everything he said was untrue!  I might have to hitchhike all the way to Hub 35 so I can get a ride home on a cargo ship.”

Sources close to opposition Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz claim he is working with the New World Order to secure homes for the displaced residents:

“I’m sure Peotone and Palatine would love to have our visitors,” said one anonymous source, who was referring to the bases that the NWO will start constructing this year.  “Honestly, Bob and I want all of our visitors to stay in Bolingbrook.  That’s not possible now.  We wouldn’t be in this mess if Roger had remained a loyal member of the NWO.  Instead, he had to join the Illuminati, and support Trump.  Now, look where we are.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was in an important meeting and could not be disturbed for a comment.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts said: “Charlene has been using the Bolingbrook STEM Association’s servers to make sock puppet accounts on Facebook.”

“I’m working on behalf of my client, Governor Rauner,” said Charlene.

“You were posting anti-Township propaganda in the Bolingbrook Politics group.”

“They’re such a waste of money and they drive up everyone’s property taxes.”

“You know I used to be a DuPage Township trustee, right?”

“I’m sorry, and now that you’re with us—”

“Charlene!” said a man who sounded like Claar.  “First of all, what is a sock puppet?”

“It’s an alternative persona.  I used several of them to persuade liberals and conservatives to unite against townships.  Let me demonstrate with this real sock puppet.  ‘I love Trump, I love corruption, and I love—’”

“I get the point,” Said the man who sounded like Claar.

“You’ve been naughty, Charlene,” said the man who sounded like Watts.  “The Bolingbrook First Party doesn’t need—”

“I got this, Sheldon.”

A few minutes later, the man who sounded like Claar said, “So you waged war against the DuPage Township?”

“Yes, and I also persuaded them to start reading Rauner’s alternative newspapers.  I explained that because there’s some truth in them, they’re just as valid as the so-called mainstream press.”

“That’s like saying because a broken clock is right twice a day, it’s just as valid as a working clock.”

“Huh?  Oh yeah.  That’s analog thinking.  I like it.”

“I guess that’s a compliment.  Anyway, they bought it?”

“Yes.”

“That’s impressive.  You’re still on my side, right?”

“Absolutely.  I’ve invested too much time and effort to back out now.”

“That’s good.  As you know, your parents made several donations to Heart Haven Outreach to pre-pay any fines I might have to impose on you.  I think it’s fair to use one, don’t you?”

“Yes.  Thank you.”

“Now, how do I get into the newspaper business?”

Also in the Babbler:

Former Representative Joe Walsh pranked by a space alien
Chicago scientists reject Michael Shermer’s application for immortality
Bolingbrook woman sees an image of James Randi at Meijer
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/18/18

Web Exclusive: New World Order awards UFO bases to Peotone and Palatine (Fiction)

By Reporter X

At a press conference in Joliet, The New World Order announced that it will build UFO Bases in Peotone and Palatine.  Both bases are expected to compete with Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, which has been controlled by the Illuminati since 2016.

Enhanced image of Peotone, IL. (Original by Teemu08)

“Will County may never get a major airport,” said County Board Speaker Jim Moustis, “But we are getting a new UFO base.  I think we’ll be the only county in the country with two bases.  Just think of all the tax revenue we’ll receive.  Oh, and we’ll also be one of the most important counties in the galaxy.  You can’t forget that.”

Moustis announced that District 4 Board Member Jackie Traynere will be in charge of the county’s new Interstellar Affairs Committee:  “I wanted to appoint someone from the Republican Party, but we couldn’t get around the fact that she worked the hardest to secure this base, and has the most experience dealing with our new taxpayers—I mean aliens.”

Traynere laughed and thanked Moustis:  “Our new base will allow us to reduce the tax burden on residents of Will County.  More importantly, it will allow the board to fully fund all of its public services.  Personally, I hope that we use the extra money to provide single-payer health insurance to our residents.  At the very least, it will provide the county with resources to survive the coming chaos President Trump is going to inflict upon our country.”

Moustis shook his head.

Christian Cairy, a former candidate for Will County Board, announced that he supported the new base. (That is why he decided to withdraw from the race.) He also added that the New World Order tried to get him thrown off the ballot.

“You didn’t need to forge that Democratic ballot, but I guess it worked out because I wanted out of the race.  (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) was creeping me out with his Illuminati rituals.  He wanted me to drink from the Cup of Chaos, then sign a contract using ink mixed with my blood, his blood, and the trustees’ blood.  Then Roger introduced me to an alien.  It wasn’t a little green man.  It looked disgusting.  Roger said if I swore allegiance to the Illuminati, the alien would take me on a trip to Uranus. Ew!  Anyway, The NWO promised to rewrite my memories so I can go back to being an ordinary Republican.  I can’t stand knowing that the Babbler was always right.”

Cairy asked that Traynere not miss any more meetings and promise not to impose taxes on Amazon purchases.  Traynere replied her new job should give her time to attend all the meetings, and that Amazon has been paying the Illinois sales tax since 2015.

NWO administrator Thomas Xavier announced that Palatine will also get a UFO Base.  While Peotone’s base will specialize in freight transport and warehousing, Palatine’s base will specialize in passenger service and cultural exchanges.

“For years, Cook County has begged us for a UFO base.  The problem is we didn’t want to deal with the Chicago political machine, but we couldn’t deny the advantages of a base located inside Cook County.  Then, it occurred to us that if we located the base in Palatine, it would still be in Cook County, but far enough away from Chicago that Rahm Emanuel’s influence would be limited.”

Xavier then said he had to leave to give Mayor Jim Schwantz the good news:  “I’m going to have to explain aliens and secret societies to him.  I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he learns the truth.  However, I don’t look forward to telling him that he won’t be able to tell Representative Peter Roskam about the base.”

Neither Claar nor Schwantz could be reached for comment.

A video chat request to Roskam was answered by an intern:  “Look, I don’t know if Peter is a Democrat or Republican, but I do know that there’s no such thing as UFOs.  Why don’t you cover the real news?  Like right now is the second time Peter has spoken with a resident on the campaign trail.  Do you know how rare that is?”

The camera turned to show Roskam talking to a man sitting in a wheelchair.

“Thank you for defending the Americans with Disabilities Act,” said the man.

Roskam smiled.  “It’s the least I could do since I’m taking away your health care and Social Security.  You’re welcome.”