Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook Skeptics declare ‘Woo State of Emergency’ following botched Bears field goal (Fiction)

The Bolingbrook Skeptics declared a “Woo State of Emergency” following Bears kicker Cody Parkey’s missed field goal against the Philadelphia Eagles in their playoff game. The press release stated:

“At times of heightened emotions, we must stand guard against the evil forces of woo.  We must not let this one game send Bolingbrook back into the dark ages of superstition and feminism!”

The press release insists that residents should not blame God, the Illuminati, the New World Order, aliens, ghosts, or any other supernatural explanation for the kick, which hit the upright, bounced off the crossbar, then landed back on the field:

“Cody Parkey has a history of hitting the uprights.  Therefore it does not defy the odds that he hit the uprights during this game.  Instead, residents should be amazed that he made any kicks at all.”

It also warned of the dangers of residents believing supernatural explanations:

“If we allow any belief in the supernatural, no matter how minor, to grow, the results will be disastrous.  Bolingbrook will then become infected with unhealthy beliefs, like: Bigfoot exists, God is real, the Bolingbrook Babbler is a reliable source of information, Richard Dawkins doesn’t always know what he’s talking about, Sam Harris is flirting with racism, and Bolingbrook is the greatest community in the world.”

It concluded with a call for help from the Bolingbrook STEM Association, stating: “Our membership is depleted.  Women and (People of Color) don’t want to join.”

A woman who claimed to be a member of the Bolingbrook STEM Association said no one from Bolingbrook Skeptics had contacted them, and they had never heard of them.

“It sounds like they support STEM.  As we like to say around here, STEM is good.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Village Trustee Sheldon Watts said, “Charlene Spencer!  Did you make this meme?”

“Yes.  It’s my best one yet.”

“I thought you were on my side.”

“I am.”

“This meme says I have ties to Michael Madigan.  That’s not true.”

“You remember the last election?  The Republicans spent millions of dollars saying every Illinois Democrat has ties to Michael.  As a result, the Democrats won a super majority in both houses, swept the state offices, and obliterated us in Will County.”

“So?”

“If you can’t beat them.  Join them.”

Note: This is a work of fiction.

The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2019! (Fiction)

Every year our council of psychics convenes to make their predictions for the new year.  Last year they did an excellent job. Amazon expanded their logistical services and even announced the opening of a second headquarters.  Trump made several tweets that could be considered the Mother of all Twitter Rants. 

Representative Bill Foster

Will Rep. Bill Foster help Rep. Sean Casten save the Capitol Building?

Some skeptics will point out that Obama did not steal the nuclear football, and Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz wasn’t allowed to put an item on a village board agenda.  Unlike those skeptics, we know that predicting the future isn’t an exact science, and the future is always changing.  Who knows, maybe Mayor Roger Claar read our predictions and decided not to go through with his plan to humiliate Jaskiewicz?

For the rest of our readers, here are our psychics’ predictions for 2019:

***

The Bolingbrook Fire Department’s Roundabout Rescue team will be revealed to the public after it rescues Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler.  Lawler will say that he wasn’t really trapped in the roundabout for two hours.

“I was part of a drill to test the team’s readiness.  They’re a bunch of fine individuals.  Most of the time, I remember how roundabouts work.”

The Bolingbrook Department of Public Safety will neither confirm nor deny they scheduled a drill.  No charges will be filed against Lawler.

A week later, Lawler will step down from the Village Board and Trustee Sheldon Watts will be named Deputy Mayor.  Mayor Claar will scold anyone who says the two events are related.

***

The Edgar County Watchdogs will escalate their campaign against the DuPage Township by holding a “Good Government Tent Revival” in the administrative building’s parking lot.  Attendees will hear uplifting music and “educational lectures.”

“Supervisor Bill Mayer says he doesn’t have a conflict of interest,” one speaker will say.  “But the Township Code says otherwise.  Section 85-45 says, and I quote: ‘Except as provided in this Section, no township officer or employee shall be interested, directly or indirectly, in his or her own name or in the name of any other person, association, trust, or corporation, in any contract for work, materials, profits of work or materials, or services to be furnished or performed for the township (…)’ Can I get a ‘He must resign’?”

During the revival, Township Trustee Alyssia Benford will stand up and start dancing.  “I feel the power of Good Government lifting my soul and bringing me closer to Jesus!”

Watts will be invited to participate in a baptism to “wash away the sins of Township Government” from his soul.  He will not attend.

Bolingbrook police will use tear gas to break up the revival.  Other Township trustees will offer free milk to those affected by the tear gas. 

***

After the April election, Claar will make an announcement at the next scheduled Bolingbrook Village Board meeting. Claar will state that he sent the village attorney to court to file for bankruptcy, and for the court to appoint him as the manager of Bolingbrook.  The move would strip the village board of all of its powers, and give Claar full control over Bolingbrook.

Claar will blame Jaskiewicz for the filing, stating:  “Everything was fine until you were elected!”

Near the end of the meeting, Judge Vincent Cornelius will arrive and announce that he has rejected Bolingbrook’s bankruptcy request.  He will state that while Bolingbrook has a debt problem, it is still capable of making payments on those debts.

He will add, “If you ever try this again, Roger, I will appoint Bonnie Kurowski-Alicea to be the manager of Bolingbrook!”

Village Clerk Carol Penning will scream in horror.

***

The Yellow Vest protests will reach Washington DC, though they will actually be wearing orange life vests.  Millions of dollars of damage will be done to the Lincoln and Jefferson memorials during the first weekend of protests against “the way things are.”

On the second weekend, they will march towards the Capitol Building, many of them armed.  As they reach the steps of the Capitol, Representative Sean Casten and his sister will step outside.  His sister will start singing the national anthem, accompanied by Representative Casten on the keyboard.  The yellow vest protesters will stop in their tracks.  Representatives Lauren Underwood and Bill Foster will march outside, waving US flags.

After the song, the protesters will disburse and leave Washington.

Many in the media will encourage Representative Casten to run for President.  He will reply, “Why me?  She did most of the work.  I just helped her. You should ask her to run for President.” 

***

Fed up with the nearly year-long government shutdown, and the results of numerous investigations, Congress will unanimously vote to impeach President Trump.

President Pence will declare a state of emergency and take control of all Internet Service Providers in the United States.

“The Russians have used our Internet to divide us,” he will say in his first televised speech.  “We don’t know who to trust anymore.  You can trust God and I am his faithful servant.”

Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube will be blocked in the US by the “Pence Firewall,” thus complicating efforts to organize national protests.

Pence will then allow “trusted community leaders” to take over control of their residents’ Internet access.  Bolingbrook will be one of those communities.

Claar’s choice to run Bolingbrook’s ISP will inspire little confidence during his only press conference:

“My haters say I’m supporting a dictatorship and opposing democracy.  They’re just mad that I’m an up and coming entrepreneur, youth mentor, politician, and thought leader.  My business is going to generate so much money that we can abolish property taxes.  I will also only employ Bolingbrook residents.  What’s not to like?  Oh, can someone tell me the difference between a dictatorship and democracy?  School never taught me that.”

Some residents will work together to start their own pirate ISP. The year will end with the Bolingbrook police closing in on the home of the illicit ISP to arrest “enemies of the village,” while hundreds of supporters outside will rally in support of “unfiltered Internet free speech.”

Also in the Babbler: 

Claar boycotts Clow UFO Base New Years Party after alcohol ban announced
Melania Trump investigates claims aliens illegally helped the Chicago Bears
UFO makes the first successful landing at Peotone UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/3/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

From the webmaster: Our top ten most popular stories of 2018 (Fiction)

By Wendy Ononfrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

File photo of former CSI feline fellow Cassie.

Before we say goodbye to 2018, I thought it would be fun to look back at our most popular stories this year:

10)Acting Clow UFO Base administrator considers accepting transgender refugees The last we heard, a decision is still pending.
9)Illuminati honors Qanon at the Bolingbrook Golf Club She’s still going strong in some corners of the Internet.
8)From the webmaster: Bolingbrook Pride to host ‘Pride Picnic and Puppies’ on June 10 The next event is planned for June 2019 at Village Hall.
7) Village Board celebrates the opening of ‘troll farm’ in Bolingbrook They’re still in business and we can expect to see their work during the 2019 campaign.
6) Mayor Claar defiant as Clow UFO Base reopens Roger may not control Clow UFO Base currently, but he might after the April election.
5) Anonymous Sources: Rogue Township trustees set fire to IKEA solar panel The war between the Illuminati and the New World Order reached the DuPage Township.  Allegiances may have changed since this story was published, but the fighting rages on. Even the Edgar County Watchdogs, rumored to be Illuminati operatives, have joined the fight.
4) Center for Inquiry responds to harassment allegations against Lawrence Krauss by firing its feline fellows This one has kind of a happy ending. Krauss will retire in 2019 and the cats are enjoying their new home at the American Humanist Association.
3) The Roger Claar Party launches the first attack ad against the First Party for Bolingbrook The 2019 campaign is off to a negative start with a bold attack ad by the Roger Claar Party, which isn’t affiliated with Mayor Roger Claar.
2) Amid controversy, Joshie Berger opens a restaurant at Clow UFO Base It was closed during the uprising at Clow UFO Base, but it is now open again. Though it is not as popular as the WeatherTech restaurants.

And the number one story:

1) Illuminati honors Professor Jordan Peterson The Bolingbrook Golf Club was the place to be if you were a member of the Illuminati.

 

Update on the GoFundMe campaign to defend against Richard Carrier’s lawsuit (Non-fiction)

Richard Carrier’s lawsuit against FTB and others is still ongoing.  Which unfortunately means our legal defense fund needs more money:

The lawsuit is ongoing. Stephanie’s second birthday since the lawsuit has come and gone — she was served on her birthday, did you know that? — and we’re still entrenched in the battle with little hope of quick resolution. As of a few days ago, all the money in this fund has been spent on our lawyers, and the legal bills we have at present total about $29,000. That means, sadly, I’m going to have to raise the fundraising goal again — to defray our personal costs and hopefully build a bit of a war chest against the ongoing suit.

I’m so very grateful to those of you who’ve shared and donated and posted words of encouragement, and I’m so very sorry that we keep having to spend money on this utterly unabashed attempt at silencing the critics of Richard Carrier, who’s admitted publicly to the behaviour we’d criticized and who persists in slandering the defendants publicly. I can only hope that the longer his lawsuit continues, the more word spreads of his actual character — one where he’d admit to not following a conference’s rules about solicitation of conference-goers, and then sue the people who might dare say that’s creepy.

And he calls himself a feminist and a free speech advocate.

We need your help to stay afloat and weather this blatant use of the legal system to silence criticism of an entitled white man who feels his honour is besmirched.

Please help, if you can. If you’ve already donated, thank you so much — please spread the word.

More details can be found on the GoFundMe page.

Village of Bolingbrook executes anti-vaccination aliens (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The village of Bolingbrook executed 10 members of KukPu’K, an interstellar anti-vaccination terrorist group.

“We gave them a trial,” said Joan Armstrong, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs. “Then we executed them.  Why waste time on appeals?”  Armstrong added that village officials could have used the most painful form of execution, but didn’t.

KukPu’K has been convicted of genocide by the Interstellar Commonwealth’s court system.  Their members first spread anti-vaccination propaganda on a target world.  Once the inhabitants lose herd immunity to a deadly disease, KukPu’K operatives then unleash a very potent strain of the disease.  Members of KukPu’K defend their actions by saying they are not anti-vaccine, but “anti-stupidity.”  They feel that any species that rejects vaccination deserves to die.

Russian Internet trolls are suspected of working with KukPu’K operatives to spread anti-vaccination propaganda in Europe and the United States.  Anonymous sources say KukPu’K could be partly responsible for measles outbreaks in Europe and the United States.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar released a statement defending the execution of the terrorists two days after capturing them:  “I may have sold my soul to Donald Trump, but I will not sell out the unvaccinated babies who live in Bolingbrook.  I do have standards, no matter what my foes say.”

Claar’s statement also blamed the expedited sentencing on alien protesters who currently control Clow UFO Base:  “Because of the actions of a radical occupation force, the 109,298,291st Circuit Court relocated to the New World Order’s temporary and illegal base in Palatine.  With the court being inaccessible, we had a very limited window to process these dangerous criminals.  My foes will argue about due process.  The victims of KukPu’K and the anti-vaccination movement deserve due process too!  In this village, we know that vaccines don’t cause autism.  Even if they did, I will not let the irrational fear of autistic children endanger our residents!”

Bolingbrook United, the opposition party, released a statement condemning the execution.  “Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz is a member of the New World Order.  He could have work with the NWO to transfer the prisoners to the Interstellar Commonwealth authorities.  Show trials have no place in our village.  Due process is the vaccination against tyranny and one-party rule!”

Also in the Babbler:

Scientists:  Bolingbrook will be uninhabitable by the 23rd century
Residents demand an accounting of DuPage Township’s interstellar spending
Bolingbrook STEM Association denies building android assassin
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/31/18

Web Exclusive: Columnist Onofrey conducts the first poll of the 2019 Bolingbrook Trustee Election (Fiction)

By Dale Onofrey

Hello.  If you have been a long time reader of the Babbler, then you’ll remember that I used to write the Skeptical of Skeptics column.  Today, we’re part of the Freethought Blogs network, and the skeptical movement is just a fraction of the threat it used to be to open-mindedness.  So I don’t need to write that column anymore.  Instead, the editor was kind enough to let me stay on as a political pundit.  Thanks, Sara Langston.

For my first political column, I decided to see where Bolingbrook’s residents stand on the upcoming 2019 Board election.  Yes, we’re still dealing with the 2018 election, but who says we can’t look ahead to next year?  So here’s the result of our first Babbler poll in nearly 20 years:

Which political party do you want to win the 2019 Bolingbrook Trustee Election?

Bolingbrook United:  40%

The Roger Claar Party:  20%

The Art Bell Party:  20%

Bolingbrook Pride Reborn: 20%

Bolingbrook First: 0%

The Zero Tax Party: 0%

The Skepchick Party: 0%

Other: 0%

Based on this poll, it looks like Bolingbrook United is in a strong position heading into the election.  Bolingbrook Pride Reborn is going strong considering they haven’t run a candidate since the 1980s.  If they can get on the ballot, it’s possible they could form an alliance with Bolingbrook United and take over the village board.  

Despite the name, The Roger Claar party isn’t affiliated with Mayor Roger Claar.  Usually, Claar kicks them off the ballot, and the courts affirm his decision.  If they get on the ballot for 2019, then they could take at least one seat from Bolingbrook First.  We could end up with a Board meeting where these two parties debate which is the most supportive of Claar.  That’s probably why Claar has raised over $300,000 for his campaign fund—  He knows he will need that much to support the Bolingbrook First party and to maintain his lifestyle.

Of course, things could change when the candidates are announced sometime in December.  Until then, this poll will inspire months worth of columns, most of which you can only read in the print edition of the Babbler.  It’s going to be a fun election season next year.

From the Webmaster:  This poll is based on a convenience sample of five people on Twitter.  Assuming everyone who participated was a Bolingbrook resident, the margin of error is ±43.826%. 

Rebecca Watson is podcasting again (Non-fiction)

Rebecca Watson, a former Skeptics Guide to the Universe rouge, just started her own podcast.  Quiz-o-Tron is a monthly science and comedy quiz show where comedians and scientists compete for the coveted Quiz-o-Tron Belt.

I haven’t seen Quiz-o-Tron, but I did seem a similar program she put on at TAM 9.  Fun Fact, PZ Myers and I managed to make the finals of the audience participation segment.  It was a version of Match Game.  While I drew a blank, PZ picked the most popular answer.  While I lost, it was fun to watch and join in.  I can’t wait to listen to Quiz-o-Tron on my way to work.

Of course, she still has her YouTube channel.

Interstellar court dismisses Michael Shermer’s lawsuit (Fiction)

File photo of Judge Kilos Surgon.

By Reporter X

The 109,298,291 Interstellar Circuit Court dismissed skeptic Michael Shermer’s lawsuit against Clow UFO Base, the Escape Velocity Blog Network, and Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.

“Instead of wasting this court’s time with frivolous lawsuits,” stated Judge Kilos Surgon in her decision. “He should just stick to lecturing about his questionable hypotheses, and keeping his appendages to himself.”

The lawsuit stemmed from an investigation of an incident in February at a skeptical symposium at Clow UFO Base.  A disciplinary board, lead by Claar, found Shermer guilty of inappropriately touching an alien on stage during a panel.  The ruling was then reported by the Escape Velocity Blog Network, an interstellar organization that distributes “electronic social justice content from non-interstellar civilizations.”

Shermer’s lawyer, Charles X. Smith, argued that the conviction was flawed, and caused irreparable harm to Shermer.  He explained that the sentence of Shermer relied on eyewitness testimony, which he claimed is always unreliable.  “No one can remember all of the details of everything in their lives. Therefore eyewitness testimony should never be allowed in any court.”

Smith also argued that video evidence of the event shouldn’t have been considered.  “Video evidence can be faked.  Look at all the UFO videos on YouTube.  Unless you can prove with 100% certainty that the video wasn’t faked, it shouldn’t be allowed.”

Smith also noted that Escape Velocity distributes material from Freethought Blogs and The Orbit.  “They value distributing material that makes my client look bad.  My client simply wants to be compensated.  He is the supplier.  They are the consumer.  This court should respect the capitalistic market and give my client money.”

The defense lawyer, Joan Z. Parker replied that Claar’s investigation was proper.  “Eyewitnesses were interviewed in a way that reduced the risk of contamination of their testimony. Also, the witnesses were discussing someone they were very familiar with.  The videos were examined and were not tampered with.  Michael only received a warning for his actions and will be escorted during future visits to Clow.  He is also still a member in good standing of the Illuminati, and The Skeptics Society is still the official skeptical organization for the Illuminati.  I should also note that people still cite his article on the lifespan of civilizations — even though he is not an anthropologist. In short, if this court allows this lawsuit to proceed, then every human believer in UFOs and the paranormal should be allowed to sue Michael for damages done to their reputations!”

The judge dismissed the case with prejudice, and Smith said Shermer would not appeal.  “We really thought we had a good case and could overcome Clow’s army of professional lawyers.  We know better now.  At least Michael didn’t have to pay for my services.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was in an important meeting with the mayor of Naperville and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “I don’t care what your press releases said.  Your incinerator is sending smoke into my village and annoying my residents!  I can respect that you fooled the EPA into approving it, but I won’t tolerate you offending the noses of my voters!”

A man who sounded like Naperville Mayor Steve Chirico laughed.  “We’re Naperville.  We have a reputation to uphold.  Taking directions from Bolingbrook politicians is not part of that reputation.”

“I too have a reputation, and taking ‘no’ for an answer is not part of it!”

Also in the Babbler:

Congressional candidate Sean Casten denies soliciting funds from aliens.
Representative Peter Roskam buys ad space on UFOs
Romeoville Mayor blames New World Order for his DUI arrest
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/29/18

From the Webmaster: Trav Mamone ask a good question about skeptical communities (Mixed)

Fellow Freethought Blogger Trav Mamone asks a good question over at The Establishment: Why are Secular Skeptic Communities Failing to Address Sexual Crime?

What is most troubling about the Krauss story is how many in the atheist movement knew about his reputation before the BuzzFeed article came out, including this writer. If secular communities want to provide a better alternative to religious institutions, why didn’t anyone confront Krauss sooner? Why are Shermer and Carrier still given a platform despite having similar accusations to those levied against Krauss?

We’re wondering about this as well. Trav has some good ideas, but we have a feeling they wouldn’t agree with some of our thoughts on the matter.

Steven Pinker fails to inspire the New World Order (Fiction)

Professor Steven Pinker failed to inspire attendees at a New World Order symposium that was held at the Sheraton Lisle.

“We’re not going to win the war with the Illuminati if our leaders think Steven Pinker is an inspirational leader,” said Thomas Xavier, NWO Administrator for Illinois.

During his speech, Pinker decried the “negativism” within the New World Order.  “Whenever I talk to people, I always hear negative anecdotes. Those stories, circulated by social justice warriors, are hurting morale.  Let’s look at what science and statistics say.”

As an example, Pinker said that the New World Order controlled zero percent of the UFO Bases in 1928.  Today, the New World order controls 40 percent of the UFO bases around the world.

A member of the audience protested that from 1986 to 2016, the New World Order controlled all the UFO bases in the world.

“You’re looking at the wrong time frame,” Pinker replied.  “We didn’t control any UFO bases in 1928 and today we control UFO bases.  That’s progress, and we should celebrate that instead of worrying about the UFO bases we no longer have.”

“But we’re still losing UFO bases!”

“But the general trend is an increase in UFO bases from 1928 until the present.”

“But the New World Order wasn’t formally organized until 1971, and we only became independent from the Illuminati in 1986. We had nothing to do with the first human managed UFO bases.”

“My point still stands,” Pinker concluded.

Pinker also noted the decline in the mortality rate during the war with the Illuminati.  “You are now less likely to die fighting the Illuminati than you were just two years ago.”

“But we’re still fighting,” another audience member protested.  “And our casualty rates are still high.”

“But the mortality rate is decreasing, and we should be celebrating that instead of focusing on negative statistics.”

“But before 2016, there was no fighting at all.”

“My point still stands.  Incidentally, I’m not going to let our minor conflict or all the wars the United States is involved in, stop me from saying that we are living in an era of long peace!  Why aren’t the hippies celebrating?”

While many were disappointed in Pinker’s speech, morale did improve later in the symposium.  During a cover band’s performance of Ministry’s “New World Order,” noted skeptic Cara Santa Maria danced onto the stage then started speaking.  “Let’s be honest.  This is a dark time for the NWO.  We’re losing ground, and the beautiful world we were creating now looks like a mosh pit.  A mosh pit filled with Illuminati drones.  They look scary, but do you know what is even scarier?  A world without the NWO, that’s what.  A world without vaccines.  A world without peace and stability.  A world without science and reason.  A world overrun with religion and woo.  Do you want that world?  Because I don’t want to live in that world.  Now when I look out at the global mosh pit, I don’t see the scary Illuminati.  I see a pit filled with frat boys.  Frat boys who think they’re tough, but have never been in a real mosh pit.  They look tall and strong but give them one good hit, and they’ll crumble.  Look at me.  I’m not strong.  I’m not tough, but I’m willing to dive into the pit because I believe in the NWO, and science has taught me the best places to hit them.  If I’m willing to jump into the pit, there’s no excuse not to join me.  If we all jump into the global mosh pit, we will drive out the Illuminati because they are corporate rock, and we are alternative rock.  Novus ordo seclorum!”

Maria dove off the stage and into the crowd.  Hundreds of NWO operatives started moshing and throwing chairs.  There were no serious injuries, but several suffered minor cuts and bruises.  No one could provide an estimate for the damages caused to the convention room.

After the symposium, Bob Novella, co-host of the Skeptics Guide to the Universe, offered his thoughts:  “Steven’s speech was a letdown, but that performance by Cara got me fired up.  I’m ready to go back to the SGU and fight even harder for the New World Order.”

Also in the Babbler:

Village official purges Facebook page
RationalWiki: We will never mention the Babbler!
Residents report zombie skunk sightings
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/11/18