By Doug Fields
The Reader’s Editor
Hello! While the rest of the staff is enjoying a vacation, I’ve decided to publish some of the letters we’ve received recently. I am known for being a harsh editor, but it is possible to get a letter published by me. I will give you a hint, death threats or links to pornographic fan fiction about Mayor Roger Claar will be filed in my round drawer.
Our first letter probably was sent to us by mistake, but it’s worth a read:
Dear Mr. Bolingbrook Babbler:
We at the Skeptic Society can’t believe it! HJ Hornbeck, a protege of the objectively evil PZ Myers, is attacking us. We can counter his thousands of words but, unlike Hornbeck, we don’t have a mountain of ad revenue to back us up. Our backs are up against a virtual wall, but we can fight back against the many-headed creature that is Freethought Blogs.
We will need your help, though. For a small donation of $1 million, we can find writers who can counter Hornbeck’s fake skepticism! For the cost of a summer home, you can make huge difference in our fight against political correctness. If you can become a member of our army of small donors, you’ll save secularism and help our founder, Michael Shermer, keep his platform!
If you have any doubts, just remember that we are standing by our positive review of Milo Yiannopoulos’s book, and Rebecca Watson won’t be at any of our events.
Donate today, and you’ll get an advance copy of Michael’s soon to be released book, “The Female Brain.”
The Skeptics Society
Locally, one reader has a question:
To the Editor:
Why don’t you write about our great high school basketball teams? Don’t you love our community? Don’t you love our students? Are your reporters the kind that hate Bolingbrook High School because we’re diverse?
Get with the program!
Lee X. Pilger
Lee, our focus is on the supernatural happenings in Bolingbrook. Yes, we have great teams, but you can read about them in any suburban publication. You’ll only be able to read about the Bolingbrook High School Interplanetary Track and Field team on in the Babbler! They’re favored to win the Triton Invitational Tournament.
Our next reader is concerned:
To the Editor:
Don’t be fooled by the Fake News Media. Most people believe the Earth is a globe. The Fake News Media wants us to believe that there are hordes of Flat Earth believers out there, so we’ll panic and establish a council of smart people to rule the world. Sure they say it will be temporary until they’ve rid the world of woo. But it is impossible to get rid of woo, and they know it. Instead, the world will be run by this oligarchy.
We can’t let the Fake News Media trick us into letting the skeptical movement run the world!
No, we can’t let that happen.
Finally, a question many Bolingbrook residents have:
To the Editor:
When will Bolingbrook end its ban on garbage totes? Sure, banning them was a way to make the village look like it had conservative values. Today, even Naperville has them, and Naperville isn’t a liberal community. Roger is just being stubborn, and we’re falling behind in the sanitation race. It’s time for a change. Garbage totes today! Garbage totes tomorrow! Garbage totes forever!
Jane Z Gilford
Viva the garbage tote revolution, I guess.
We’ll be back to our regular schedule next week, and I’ll continue my difficult search for letters worth publishing.