Village of Bolingbrook executes anti-vaccination aliens (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The village of Bolingbrook executed 10 members of KukPu’K, an interstellar anti-vaccination terrorist group.

“We gave them a trial,” said Joan Armstrong, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs. “Then we executed them.  Why waste time on appeals?”  Armstrong added that village officials could have used the most painful form of execution, but didn’t.

KukPu’K has been convicted of genocide by the Interstellar Commonwealth’s court system.  Their members first spread anti-vaccination propaganda on a target world.  Once the inhabitants lose herd immunity to a deadly disease, KukPu’K operatives then unleash a very potent strain of the disease.  Members of KukPu’K defend their actions by saying they are not anti-vaccine, but “anti-stupidity.”  They feel that any species that rejects vaccination deserves to die.

Russian Internet trolls are suspected of working with KukPu’K operatives to spread anti-vaccination propaganda in Europe and the United States.  Anonymous sources say KukPu’K could be partly responsible for measles outbreaks in Europe and the United States.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar released a statement defending the execution of the terrorists two days after capturing them:  “I may have sold my soul to Donald Trump, but I will not sell out the unvaccinated babies who live in Bolingbrook.  I do have standards, no matter what my foes say.”

Claar’s statement also blamed the expedited sentencing on alien protesters who currently control Clow UFO Base:  “Because of the actions of a radical occupation force, the 109,298,291st Circuit Court relocated to the New World Order’s temporary and illegal base in Palatine.  With the court being inaccessible, we had a very limited window to process these dangerous criminals.  My foes will argue about due process.  The victims of KukPu’K and the anti-vaccination movement deserve due process too!  In this village, we know that vaccines don’t cause autism.  Even if they did, I will not let the irrational fear of autistic children endanger our residents!”

Bolingbrook United, the opposition party, released a statement condemning the execution.  “Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz is a member of the New World Order.  He could have work with the NWO to transfer the prisoners to the Interstellar Commonwealth authorities.  Show trials have no place in our village.  Due process is the vaccination against tyranny and one-party rule!”

Also in the Babbler:

Scientists:  Bolingbrook will be uninhabitable by the 23rd century
Residents demand an accounting of DuPage Township’s interstellar spending
Bolingbrook STEM Association denies building android assassin
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/31/18

Web Exclusive: Columnist Onofrey conducts the first poll of the 2019 Bolingbrook Trustee Election (Fiction)

By Dale Onofrey

Hello.  If you have been a long time reader of the Babbler, then you’ll remember that I used to write the Skeptical of Skeptics column.  Today, we’re part of the Freethought Blogs network, and the skeptical movement is just a fraction of the threat it used to be to open-mindedness.  So I don’t need to write that column anymore.  Instead, the editor was kind enough to let me stay on as a political pundit.  Thanks, Sara Langston.

For my first political column, I decided to see where Bolingbrook’s residents stand on the upcoming 2019 Board election.  Yes, we’re still dealing with the 2018 election, but who says we can’t look ahead to next year?  So here’s the result of our first Babbler poll in nearly 20 years:

Which political party do you want to win the 2019 Bolingbrook Trustee Election?

Bolingbrook United:  40%

The Roger Claar Party:  20%

The Art Bell Party:  20%

Bolingbrook Pride Reborn: 20%

Bolingbrook First: 0%

The Zero Tax Party: 0%

The Skepchick Party: 0%

Other: 0%

Based on this poll, it looks like Bolingbrook United is in a strong position heading into the election.  Bolingbrook Pride Reborn is going strong considering they haven’t run a candidate since the 1980s.  If they can get on the ballot, it’s possible they could form an alliance with Bolingbrook United and take over the village board.  

Despite the name, The Roger Claar party isn’t affiliated with Mayor Roger Claar.  Usually, Claar kicks them off the ballot, and the courts affirm his decision.  If they get on the ballot for 2019, then they could take at least one seat from Bolingbrook First.  We could end up with a Board meeting where these two parties debate which is the most supportive of Claar.  That’s probably why Claar has raised over $300,000 for his campaign fund—  He knows he will need that much to support the Bolingbrook First party and to maintain his lifestyle.

Of course, things could change when the candidates are announced sometime in December.  Until then, this poll will inspire months worth of columns, most of which you can only read in the print edition of the Babbler.  It’s going to be a fun election season next year.

From the Webmaster:  This poll is based on a convenience sample of five people on Twitter.  Assuming everyone who participated was a Bolingbrook resident, the margin of error is ±43.826%. 

Rebecca Watson is podcasting again (Non-fiction)

Rebecca Watson, a former Skeptics Guide to the Universe rouge, just started her own podcast.  Quiz-o-Tron is a monthly science and comedy quiz show where comedians and scientists compete for the coveted Quiz-o-Tron Belt.

I haven’t seen Quiz-o-Tron, but I did seem a similar program she put on at TAM 9.  Fun Fact, PZ Myers and I managed to make the finals of the audience participation segment.  It was a version of Match Game.  While I drew a blank, PZ picked the most popular answer.  While I lost, it was fun to watch and join in.  I can’t wait to listen to Quiz-o-Tron on my way to work.

Of course, she still has her YouTube channel.

Interstellar court dismisses Michael Shermer’s lawsuit (Fiction)

File photo of Judge Kilos Surgon.

By Reporter X

The 109,298,291 Interstellar Circuit Court dismissed skeptic Michael Shermer’s lawsuit against Clow UFO Base, the Escape Velocity Blog Network, and Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.

“Instead of wasting this court’s time with frivolous lawsuits,” stated Judge Kilos Surgon in her decision. “He should just stick to lecturing about his questionable hypotheses, and keeping his appendages to himself.”

The lawsuit stemmed from an investigation of an incident in February at a skeptical symposium at Clow UFO Base.  A disciplinary board, lead by Claar, found Shermer guilty of inappropriately touching an alien on stage during a panel.  The ruling was then reported by the Escape Velocity Blog Network, an interstellar organization that distributes “electronic social justice content from non-interstellar civilizations.”

Shermer’s lawyer, Charles X. Smith, argued that the conviction was flawed, and caused irreparable harm to Shermer.  He explained that the sentence of Shermer relied on eyewitness testimony, which he claimed is always unreliable.  “No one can remember all of the details of everything in their lives. Therefore eyewitness testimony should never be allowed in any court.”

Smith also argued that video evidence of the event shouldn’t have been considered.  “Video evidence can be faked.  Look at all the UFO videos on YouTube.  Unless you can prove with 100% certainty that the video wasn’t faked, it shouldn’t be allowed.”

Smith also noted that Escape Velocity distributes material from Freethought Blogs and The Orbit.  “They value distributing material that makes my client look bad.  My client simply wants to be compensated.  He is the supplier.  They are the consumer.  This court should respect the capitalistic market and give my client money.”

The defense lawyer, Joan Z. Parker replied that Claar’s investigation was proper.  “Eyewitnesses were interviewed in a way that reduced the risk of contamination of their testimony. Also, the witnesses were discussing someone they were very familiar with.  The videos were examined and were not tampered with.  Michael only received a warning for his actions and will be escorted during future visits to Clow.  He is also still a member in good standing of the Illuminati, and The Skeptics Society is still the official skeptical organization for the Illuminati.  I should also note that people still cite his article on the lifespan of civilizations — even though he is not an anthropologist. In short, if this court allows this lawsuit to proceed, then every human believer in UFOs and the paranormal should be allowed to sue Michael for damages done to their reputations!”

The judge dismissed the case with prejudice, and Smith said Shermer would not appeal.  “We really thought we had a good case and could overcome Clow’s army of professional lawyers.  We know better now.  At least Michael didn’t have to pay for my services.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was in an important meeting with the mayor of Naperville and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “I don’t care what your press releases said.  Your incinerator is sending smoke into my village and annoying my residents!  I can respect that you fooled the EPA into approving it, but I won’t tolerate you offending the noses of my voters!”

A man who sounded like Naperville Mayor Steve Chirico laughed.  “We’re Naperville.  We have a reputation to uphold.  Taking directions from Bolingbrook politicians is not part of that reputation.”

“I too have a reputation, and taking ‘no’ for an answer is not part of it!”

Also in the Babbler:

Congressional candidate Sean Casten denies soliciting funds from aliens.
Representative Peter Roskam buys ad space on UFOs
Romeoville Mayor blames New World Order for his DUI arrest
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/29/18

From the Webmaster: Trav Mamone ask a good question about skeptical communities (Mixed)

Fellow Freethought Blogger Trav Mamone asks a good question over at The Establishment: Why are Secular Skeptic Communities Failing to Address Sexual Crime?

What is most troubling about the Krauss story is how many in the atheist movement knew about his reputation before the BuzzFeed article came out, including this writer. If secular communities want to provide a better alternative to religious institutions, why didn’t anyone confront Krauss sooner? Why are Shermer and Carrier still given a platform despite having similar accusations to those levied against Krauss?

We’re wondering about this as well. Trav has some good ideas, but we have a feeling they wouldn’t agree with some of our thoughts on the matter.

Steven Pinker fails to inspire the New World Order (Fiction)

Professor Steven Pinker failed to inspire attendees at a New World Order symposium that was held at the Sheraton Lisle.

“We’re not going to win the war with the Illuminati if our leaders think Steven Pinker is an inspirational leader,” said Thomas Xavier, NWO Administrator for Illinois.

During his speech, Pinker decried the “negativism” within the New World Order.  “Whenever I talk to people, I always hear negative anecdotes. Those stories, circulated by social justice warriors, are hurting morale.  Let’s look at what science and statistics say.”

As an example, Pinker said that the New World Order controlled zero percent of the UFO Bases in 1928.  Today, the New World order controls 40 percent of the UFO bases around the world.

A member of the audience protested that from 1986 to 2016, the New World Order controlled all the UFO bases in the world.

“You’re looking at the wrong time frame,” Pinker replied.  “We didn’t control any UFO bases in 1928 and today we control UFO bases.  That’s progress, and we should celebrate that instead of worrying about the UFO bases we no longer have.”

“But we’re still losing UFO bases!”

“But the general trend is an increase in UFO bases from 1928 until the present.”

“But the New World Order wasn’t formally organized until 1971, and we only became independent from the Illuminati in 1986. We had nothing to do with the first human managed UFO bases.”

“My point still stands,” Pinker concluded.

Pinker also noted the decline in the mortality rate during the war with the Illuminati.  “You are now less likely to die fighting the Illuminati than you were just two years ago.”

“But we’re still fighting,” another audience member protested.  “And our casualty rates are still high.”

“But the mortality rate is decreasing, and we should be celebrating that instead of focusing on negative statistics.”

“But before 2016, there was no fighting at all.”

“My point still stands.  Incidentally, I’m not going to let our minor conflict or all the wars the United States is involved in, stop me from saying that we are living in an era of long peace!  Why aren’t the hippies celebrating?”

While many were disappointed in Pinker’s speech, morale did improve later in the symposium.  During a cover band’s performance of Ministry’s “New World Order,” noted skeptic Cara Santa Maria danced onto the stage then started speaking.  “Let’s be honest.  This is a dark time for the NWO.  We’re losing ground, and the beautiful world we were creating now looks like a mosh pit.  A mosh pit filled with Illuminati drones.  They look scary, but do you know what is even scarier?  A world without the NWO, that’s what.  A world without vaccines.  A world without peace and stability.  A world without science and reason.  A world overrun with religion and woo.  Do you want that world?  Because I don’t want to live in that world.  Now when I look out at the global mosh pit, I don’t see the scary Illuminati.  I see a pit filled with frat boys.  Frat boys who think they’re tough, but have never been in a real mosh pit.  They look tall and strong but give them one good hit, and they’ll crumble.  Look at me.  I’m not strong.  I’m not tough, but I’m willing to dive into the pit because I believe in the NWO, and science has taught me the best places to hit them.  If I’m willing to jump into the pit, there’s no excuse not to join me.  If we all jump into the global mosh pit, we will drive out the Illuminati because they are corporate rock, and we are alternative rock.  Novus ordo seclorum!”

Maria dove off the stage and into the crowd.  Hundreds of NWO operatives started moshing and throwing chairs.  There were no serious injuries, but several suffered minor cuts and bruises.  No one could provide an estimate for the damages caused to the convention room.

After the symposium, Bob Novella, co-host of the Skeptics Guide to the Universe, offered his thoughts:  “Steven’s speech was a letdown, but that performance by Cara got me fired up.  I’m ready to go back to the SGU and fight even harder for the New World Order.”

Also in the Babbler:

Village official purges Facebook page
RationalWiki: We will never mention the Babbler!
Residents report zombie skunk sightings
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/11/18

Illuminati honors Qanon at the Bolingbrook Golf Club (Fiction)

The Illuminati honored Qanon for her controversial conspiracy theory Internet posts.  The secret ceremony was held at the Bolingbrook Golf Club:.

“Qanon’s work is inspiring Trump’s supporters around the world,” said Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  “Instead of believing Trump is helping the Illuminati create global chaos, many now believe Trump is the mastermind behind an elaborate plan to bring down the deep state.  Instead of believing that Robert Mueller is investigating our President, many Internet thought leaders now believe Robert is really working for Trump.  Join me in welcoming and honoring Qanon. Ford!”

After Claar finished performing the glowing orb ceremony, Claar presented Qanon with the Adam Weishaupt Award for Excellence.  Qanon wiped away her tears before starting her acceptance speech: “Before I shoved my father into the HARP chamber, he said I would never amount to anything.  Dad, if you can see me from Hell, I want to say this: You suck!”

Qanon described her assent from the Illuminati scribe pool to a low-level Internet seer.  She admitted that she wasn’t satisfied with her career, but then her mentor gave her a special assignment:  “He tasked me with creating a post that would fool Trump supporters into thinking Donald was a political mastermind.  He explained that his high seers couldn’t get very far without suffering from uncontrollable laughing fits.  I figured I had nothing to lose, so I agreed to help.”

She then explained how she created the first few posts: “I decided to use one of the oldest tricks in the book.  I just took pieces of various conspiracy theories, padded a few random facts, and threw in a photo every so often.  I hinted that Trump was a mastermind, and I implied that the truth would be revealed to the world any minute now.  Then, I let their imaginations run wild.  It worked better than I thought.”

According to Qanon, her posts on 4chan have spread to Reddit and Twitter.  She claims that there are over 92,000 YouTube videos about her work, PZ Myers hates her, and InfoWars editor Jerome Corsi writes about her posts. She stated:

“When Roseanne featured my work in one of her tweets, I knew that I had made it.”

Qanon does not expect her Internet notoriety to end any time soon.  “No one wants to think of themselves as an average Internet user.  They want to see themselves as geniuses.  They think they see the Matrix.  They think they’re special.  The Illuminati can and will use that to their advantage.  We can make a transgender allegory seem like an affirmation of ridged gender identity.  We can make administrative entropy seem normal, and we can make Donald Trump look like a competent President. Together we will tear down the New World Order, destroy International cooperation, and conquer the human race.  Fnord!”

After leading the audience in a chant of “Fnord,” Claar asked if Qanon could help with his political troubles.  She replied that she could and asked Claar for a list of nouns and adjectives.  After typing for a few seconds, she read a draft of a post:

What do they really mean by ‘Toters?’ Who is RJ working for?  JT?  467.  Is there only one Bob?  Where is Bonnie?  Learn Monopoly.  You are not stupid. RC fighting CCD.  Victory is near.  Guns will be coming back to Bolingbrook.  Line not secure.  Must go.  Think Raiders.  The Legend of Billie Jean.  Roger means business.  Business is good.

“Interesting,” replied Claar.

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar accused of planting anti-toter aliens at garbage forum
Aliens praised for shooting down rouge Chinese space station
Gay aliens demand Bolingbrook host a pride parade
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/5/18

From the Webmaster: Help make the Secular Women Work conference a reality (Mixed)

By Wendy Onofrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

Secular Women Work conference organizers need your help to make their 2018 conference a reality:

The Secular Women Work conference is a celebration of the work of female activists who create and run projects and communities in the secular movement. And there is no better way to honor their work than by using their expertise to help us all become better activists.

At Secular Women Work, you will find workshops: both hands-on exercises to develop your skills and facilitated group discussions where you can share challenges and solutions with other activists. You will find panels on specialist topics, with panelists who can help you broaden the horizons of your activism. And when you’re ready for a rest, you’ll find speakers who will entertain and inspire you with stories and lessons from their own work. In between it all, you’ll find a conference full of other activists who want to make a difference in the world.

They have five days left to reach their goal of $13,000, and they’re over halfway there.  If they reach their goal, the conference will be held August 24 through August 26 in Minneapolis.

I’ve already donated, and I encourage others to join me.

From the webmaster: The first OrbitCon is April 13-15 (Mixed)

By Wendy Onofrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

Banner for OrbitConOur friends at The Orbit are hosting their first online convention, OrbitCon on April 13-15.  It will be accessible on YouTube and free to watch.  It’s like a secular convention that you can watch from the comfort of your own home.  From their first post:

Panels should broadly fit The Orbit’s themes of atheism, activism, and culture and our identity as a social justice network. That doesn’t mean they have to be super serious, solemn discussions. We’re anticipating a music “panel” that includes performance, and we’ll be shocked if we don’t have panels on Steven Universe and Black Panther.

They’re currently looking for panel and speech proposals.  There’s more information on their main page.

We’re currently thinking of our panel proposals.  What panels do you think we should propose?  Alien religions?  The cryptids of Bolingbrook?  Will future Bolingbrook residents worship Mayor Roger Claar?  Is it safe to punch space Nazis?  Bolingbrook: The most important village in the galaxy?

No matter what panel we propose, this is promises to be a fun and thoughtful event hosted by our sister network.

Center for Inquiry responds to harassment allegations against Lawrence Krauss by firing its feline fellows (Fiction)

The Center for Inquiry fired its feline fellows for helping a BuzzFeed reporter write a story about sexual harassment allegations against Lawrence Krauss.

File photo of former feline fellow Cassie.

“We realize that talking cats are a marvel of science,” said John Z. Miller, Executive Director of CFI Chicago, which used to care for the cats.  “However, Lawrence Krauss is an honorary member of the CFI board, and we have to protect our members and allies.  We can’t have fellows helping the media to run negative articles about us.”  Miller added that the cats had previous warnings for making “statements uncritical of social justice.”  “I’d love to keep them around, but this decision was made much higher up.”  He coughed and made a noise that sounded like, “Richard Dawkins.”

According to CFI documents obtained by the Babbler, the cats, genetically engineered to have a human level of intelligence, admitted to forwarding emails between CFI’s business and finance manager Patricia Beauchamp and then CFI president Ronald Lindsay. The emails were regarding an incident on a cruise.

A questioner, listed as “RD,” asked CFI feline fellow Cassie, “Are you aware that by forwarding these emails, you could have damaged the reputation of a great man of atheism?”

Cassie replied, “There was a claim the reporter was investigating.  We provided evidence for the reporter to consider.”

RD followed up with, “Are you willing to consider the possibility that more than 50 people, two institutions, and possibly the Koch Brothers, are trying to destroy Lawrence Krauss to promote fundamentalist Christianity, militant Islam, and radical feminism?”

“That sounds like a conspiracy theory,” said Cassie.  “Do I need to report you to the Committee for Skeptical Inquiry?”

“I trust that they will value the word of an esteemed atheist scientist over the word of two furry feminists.”

“That’s the problem.”

Further, in the document, CFI feline fellow Andy says, “We helped expose a very bad man.  Do we get a treat?”

The felines were fired after BuzzFeed published the article.

Various sources confirmed that the American Humanist Association immediately hired the felines, and will house them at an undisclosed location.  The sources confirm that they will serve as consultants to the Humanists of West Suburban Chicagoland.  The secular Jewish congregations Beth Chaverim and Kol Hadash will also contribute to their upkeep.  Cassie may be a guest speaker at Secular Social Justice.  Both Andy and Cassie will also be guest bloggers at Freethought Blogs and The Orbit.

CFI refused to comment for this article.

A man who claimed to be a spokesperson for Krauss said, “Lawrence Krauss cannot comment at this time because Arizona State University is reviewing the allegations against him.  We hope once the hysteria has passed, we can obliterate his enemies and marvel at the universes their nothingness will create.”

Andy and Cassie released the following statement:  “We quit the James Randi Educational Foundation.  We were fired from the Center for Inquiry.  We hope the American Humanist Association will be our forever secular organization.”

Also in the Babbler:

Rep. Bill Foster denied access to Clow UFO Base
Prairie shark spotted swimming over Royce Road
Mayor Claar: We are not buying a hydrogen bomb!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/1/18