By Reporter X
Clow UFO Base once again survived its annual holiday concert. Officials were quick to call it a success.
“The stats speak for themselves,” said Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar. “Arrests were down a half a percent. We had one less visitor hospitalized this year than last. We also confiscated one ton of corn cobs before the concert. I think it helped that we banned Festivus celebrations this year. The feats of strengths and airing of grievances were creating too many problems for our security staff. Now were there unfortunate incidents during the concert? Yes; but it wouldn’t be a Clow Holiday Cultural Event without an incident or two, would it?”
The concert, officially titled, “A Study of Contrasts Between Traditional Christmas Music and Christmas Music Composed in the Late 20th Century/Early 21st Century,” started with a moment of silence in honor of former Bolingbrook Mayor Edward “Rosie” Rosenthal, who recently died of natural causes. The first two performances were by the Bolingbrook High School alien choir and the Bolingbrook High School Alien Show Choir, both of which were well received.
Trouble began when three aliens suffered convulsions during a slide show presentation of the Village Board members’ children and grandchildren. The three were hospitalized and are in stable condition.
“Sometimes our visitors can be overwhelmed cuteness,” said a doctor who asked not to be named. “What can I say? Our leaders have cute kids.”
After the slideshow, Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz was invited to walk on stage. He was handed a piece of paper and asked to sing along to the music. When the music started, he sang the beginning of “Little Drummer Boy.”
Seconds later, Trustee Michael Lawler walked on stage and sang “Peace on Earth/Can it be?” He smiled as he walked towards Jaskiewicz and kept singing.
Claar charged on to the stage and ordered the music to be stopped.
“Michael,” he yelled. “What are you doing? We are supposed to be shunning that man, not singing with him.”
“But I always wanted to sing a Bowie song on stage.”
“At the New Years party, you can sing ‘Fashion’ if you need to. Now get off this stage! You too, Stankiewicz.”
“Jaskiewicz,” Jaskiewicz replied.
The next band, Night Castle, was supposed to perform cover versions of Trans-Siberian Orchestra songs. When they entered the stage, the lead guitarist announced that they had left their sheet music in their quarters.
“So we’re going to pay tribute to our second favorite album from Earth. With a twist, of course.”
Night Castle started playing “American Idiot” by Green Day, and changed the chorus to “Don’t want to be a Bolingbrook Idiot.” An alien, wearing an orange Claar mask, marched to the center of the stage. Six aliens, wearing costumes that resembled the elected members of Claar’s Bolingbrook First party, ran up to the Claar impersonator, dropped to their knees and bowed before him. Then aliens wearing Bolingbrook United shirts ran onto the stage. They were chased by aliens wearing Bolingbrook police uniforms and waving batons. Some audience members then tried to rush the stage.
Claar walked up to the window of his luxury box and made an obscene gesture at the band. The stage lights and sound were cut off, and Men in Blue stormed the stage, arresting the performers.
Claar then turned towards Jaskiewicz. Jaskiewicz shrugged.
Tim Minchin, the final performer, finished his set by performing “White Wine in the Sun.” During the performance, Trustee Sheldon Watts turned his back and plugged each ear with a finger.
After Minchin finished, the aliens gave him a standing ovation. Minchin bowed then started writing on two sheets of paper. He then held them up. One read, “New World Order.” The other read, “Illuminati.” He tore up both sheets then wrote on a third sheet and held it up. It read: “One Universe, One Humanity. One Family.”
The aliens and many Clow staffers cheered.
Claar shook his head. According to some sources, he ordered Minchin and Night Castle placed on the ‘banned for life from Clow’ list.
While the concert didn’t go as planned, many aliens said they enjoyed the show.
“These concerts are the best argument for anarchy,” said an alien who asked not to be named.
Also in the Babbler:
Bolingbrook Resident: My website will settle all political debates
Claar: No rap concerts before Village Board Meetings
Bolingbrook police promise not to arrest Santa
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/31/17