Wipeout: First Party for Bolingbrook and DuPage Township Democrats sweep the 2021 Consolidated Election (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Election 2021: A Bolingbrook Babbler Special ReportThe Babbler sent out a team of reporters to cover the night of the historic 2021 election.  They returned these stories:

First Party ‘gets real’ during candidates’ victory speeches to the Illuminati

Mary Alexander-Basta, the Mayor-elect of Bolingbrook, addressed members of the Illuminati following the First Party for Bolingbrook’s sweeping of the 2021 Consolidated Election.

“Our opponents ran a negative campaign by trying to steal offices from us, “ said Alexander-Basta.  “We ran a positive campaign by trying to stay in office.  Thanks to the power of passive-aggressive positivity, we won!  Stay positive, Bolingbrook.”

The First Party won the races for mayor, clerk, and three open Village Trustee positions.  Bolingbrook United failed to defend the seat being vacated by Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz.  Bolingbrook Independent Voices will be represented by Trustee Sheldon Watts, who will be up for reelection in 2023.

After Alexander-Basta’s speech, the Grand Master Councilor of Egypt performed the Rite of the Phoenix in honor of her loyalty to the Illuminati and her efforts to spread global chaos outside of Bolingbrook.  She thanked the Grand Master Councilor and added: “Bolingbrook has the best golf club, best UFO Base, and is loyal to the best secret society!  Fnord!  That’s how I’m pronouncing it.”

Trustee Maria Zarate delivered a speech in English thanking local members of the Illuminati for their hard work.  She concluded with a message for Jaskiewicz.  In Spanish, she said: “May you suffer in Hell like you made us suffer at board meetings!”

Trustee-elect Troy Doris promised to be a “Better Sheldon than Sheldon.”  Possibly a reference to Trustee Sheldon Watts, the Bolingbrook Independent Voices mayoral candidate.  Doris also apologized for calling pro-choice supporters “anti-life.”

“Let’s try this again:  We’re not pro-QAnon Republicans.  We’re not pro-Child Trafficking Democrats.  We just don’t care!”

Trustee Michael Carpanzano ran on stage and whispered into Doris’s ear.

Doris replied: “Man!  This is harder than the triple jump.  Um, we do care about kids and—  Look! (Bolingbrook United Mayoral candidate Jackie Traynere) posted something on the Internet.”

Trustee Michael Lawler did not appear on stage.

After the slate performed the Rite of Ascension, an audience member asked how Alexander-Basta planned to rule Bolingbrook when over 57% of voters chose the other candidates. She laughed and said: “As our former Mayor once said, there are residents, and there are foes.  My supporters are residents and those voters are foes!  I don’t work with foes.”

New World Order crushes the Illuminati to retake DuPage Township

After years of conflict, the New World Order regained control of DuPage Township with the Democratic Party’s sweeping victory over the Illuminati-controlled Republicans.

“Tonight,” said Supervisor-elect Gary Marschke at the New World Order victory party, “The residents of our township rejected the Illuminati’s chaos and discord.  They rejected the chaos operatives from Edgar County.  They rejected the flagrant abuse of our legal system.  They voted for the harmony and order that only we can provide.  So to the good residents of DuPage Township, I say this: Get ready to experience the might of a fully operational township!”

New World Order member and outgoing Republican Trustee Ken Burgess congratulated the victors:  “We may not be members of the same political party, but we are united in our belief that order must be maintained against chaos.  We understand that in the right hands, the right amount of order in a society will let freedom bloom.  I congratulate my fellow NWO colleagues for their victory against the Illuminati.  Just don’t raise my taxes, okay?”

Later in the party, Bolingbrook’s Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler wondered in and was surrounded by four Men in Black.

“I thought our victory party was at Lou Malnati’s,” said Lawler.

“No,” replied Trustee-elect Reem Townsend.  “The Illuminati is meeting at the Golf Club this time.  Since we’re in a good mood tonight, we’ll order the Men in Black to take you home.”

“Since I’m in a good mood, I won’t tell Mary on all of you.”

After Lawler left, Townsend said, “Why do I have a feeling I’m going to be quoted in the Babbler?”

“Don’t worry,” replied Terri Ransom.  “Nobody believes the Babbler.”

Opposition parties eventually accept crushing defeats in Bolingbrook

Bolingbrook Independent Voices, Bolingbrook United, and the DuPage Township Republicans eventually accepted their major defeats.  However the DuPage Township Republicans almost started an insurrection.

During DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford’s speech to the Bolingbrook Illuminati, she announced that she was about to summon the Edgar County Irregular Militia to help her “find” enough votes for her to win.  A masked man stormed on stage and warned her not to call them.

“I spent over $40,000 on the First Party,” said the man.  “I am not going have you ruin my investment with a civil war!”

“I am a Knight of Chaos and a CPA,” replied Benford.  “I must claim my election today.”

“Not on my watch,” countered the man.  “As a Knight, you are sworn to spread chaos outside of Bolingbrook.  Instead, you have spent years sowing chaos in my village!  This election wasn’t stolen from you.  You lost!  Why the (expletive deleted) did you think it was a good idea to pick Deborah Williams and Antonio Timothee?”

“Because I’m the biggest—” replied Timothee.

“Joke on Bolingbrook’s Facebook groups.” snapped the man.  “Alyssia, call off your dogs from Edgar County or you won’t be a CPA.  You’ll be DOA!”

At the New World Order Victory Party, mayoral candidate Jackie Traynere announced that she had congratulated Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta for her win.  

“I thought we could pull it off this time,” said Traynere.  “Instead, we lost ground since the 2017 election.  But I will take some comfort knowing that I beat (Trustee Sheldon Watts).  I will also take comfort knowing that I still have my seat on the Will County Board.  I heard Sheldon will have to perform the Illuminati’s Rite of the Burning Mile  if he wants a future in Bolingbrook politics.  I hope he has tough feet.”

Charlene Spencer, a volunteer for Bolingbrook Independent Voices, announced during a video call that she was going to contest the election results:

“There’s no way BIV came in last place.  The First Party had nothing but their passive aggressive positivity.  We ran a shining campaign filled with vague promises, real residents, and tons of drone footage!  That was a recipe for a landslide.  This election was rigged, and I will prove to the right people that that a conspiracy by Anwar Sadat, Jimmy Carter, Mao—”

Watts ran into the room and said: “Charlene!  What are you doing?  You know that’s a big lie.  We lost—”

“Lost?  Are you kidding?  I’ve only just begun to fight for you!”

“There’e aren’t enough outstanding votes to save us.  It’s over.”

“It’s only a minor setback!  We can still take over the board!”

“At what cost?”

“I’ll give you a discount—”

“No!  Charlene, stand down.  I’m going to concede!”

“Sheldon!  You need to stop backing down to Mary all the time like you did with Roger. Seize this moment and you’ll be remembered as the Mayor who liberated Bolingbrook!  Democracy is dumb, Sheldon!  Help me put it out of its misery!”

Watts shook his head.  “Democracy is not dumb.  You’re confusing our patriotic rituals with democracy.  The ideas of democracy are not dumb.  Respecting the will of the people is smart.  Supporting the peaceful transition of power to the victor is smart.  The idea that any resident or slate in Bolingbrook has a chance to non-violently win control of the government is fundamental to Bolingbrook’s well being.”

“But,” protested Charlene.  “If we don’t stop her now, I know she’ll declare Bolingbrook to be under the rule of the Eternal Kingdom of the First Party, and she’ll—”  

“She won’t, and even if she did, she’d fail.  In Ecclesiastes 3:1—”

“I’m an atheist, Sheldon.  Your Bible trick won’t work on me.”

“Fine.  Then I will cite George Hrab.  ‘The fairness of unfairness is in everything’s demise.’  It is unfair that we lost and (Former Mayor Roger Claar) used me.  But Roger’s time will end.  The First Party will eventually disband, and it will be a time for a new party to take over.  Maybe it will be my party.  Maybe not.  But for the good of Bolingbrook, we need to preserve representative democracy.  That’s what really counts, Charlene.  I’d rather lose 100 elections than see Bolingbrook descend into despotism, anarchy, or worse.  So please stop trying to overthrow this election, and help me win the next election, okay?”

“You…You actually listened to a George Hrab album?  For me?”

“Yes, and may the Lord forgive me.”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

A Babbler Special Report: Bolingbrook’s countdown to democracy (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Election 2021: A Bolingbrook Babbler Special ReportOn April 6, voters will select Bolingbrook’s first new mayor since 1986, and possibly end one-party rule in Bolingbrook.  For the past few months, voters have had to contend with a flood of flyers; debates over the meaning of the word “tax,” and passive-aggressive positivity from two local parties.  We sent out a team of reporters to cover the final days of the campaign.  They returned with these stories:

Will County ‘highly prepared’ for any possible insurrection

According to anonymous sources, Will County is “highly prepared” to deal with any “unlikely” insurrection related to the April 6 election.

According to “Joe,” (who asked that we didn’t use his real name), the county government has been holding secret “insurrection drills” for weeks: “We’re prepared for the normal kinds of insurrections, like angry protesters trying to storm the Clerk’s office, or armed downstate militia members trying to execute county officials if their candidate doesn’t win.  We’ve also prepared for some unusual scenarios, like an attack by foreign special forces operatives, a board member going rogue, an act of a vengeful god, and a former mayor throwing a temper tantrum.   We might even run a drill for what to do if we’re attacked by a certain Florida woman. But these are all unlikely.  In Will County, we use paper ballots, and our clerk believes in free and fair elections, no matter who wins.  Remember, we’re Will County, not Cook County.”

Will County Clerk Lauren Staley Ferry refused to comment about any possible drills but said:

“We have a great sheriff’s department, and I know they would never stage a coup.  Anyway, I believe the people who supported Trump’s insurrection have switched their focus to fighting the Coronavirus vaccine.  I guess some people just enjoy being wrong.  Anyway, just tell your readers they can vote early, or vote on election day, but that they can only vote once.”

In the background, a man yelled, “Start.”

A woman replied, “Attention!  I am a CPA.  I feel like overthrowing the government today.”

Alien election observers arrive at Clow UFO Base
By Reporter X

Election observers from the Interstellar Commonwealth arrived at Clow UFO Base to ensure the integrity of Bolingbrook’s April 6 election. 

Representatives from Bolingbrook’s three political parties greeted the observers.

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta, representing the First Party for Bolingbrook, said: “I am honored that the Interstellar Commonwealth would send its finest election observers to certify my upcoming victory.”

Trustee Sheldon Watts, representing the Bolingbrook Independent Voices party, replied: “I too am honored that you have come here to see me slay a trustee-mayor abomination— At the polls, of course.”

Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, representing Bolingbrook United, greeted the delegation and said: “I’m here to help Bolingbrook transition from Roger’s authoritarian rule to a true democracy.  I’d like Jackie Traynere to win, but I’m happy knowing that the residents of Bolingbrook have already won their freedom.”

Globly, the head delegate, told the party representatives that they were wearing bulletproof human suits, and were inoculated with the coronavirus vaccine developed on Venus:

“Many species have replaced democracy with an implant that allows all members to subconsciously reach consensus decisions.  Unfortunately, Earth isn’t that advanced and relies on paper ballots.  Until the humans of Bolingbrook are ready to evolve, we are happy to ensure a free and fair election, without the direct interference of the Illuminati or the New World Order determining the outcome.”

Wereskunk arrested for canvasing under the influence

Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs arrested a wereskunk and charged her with public intoxication.  The wereskunk, according to sources, was canvassing for the DuPage Township’s Republican slate of candidates.

The Department released a statement that read: “We are withholding the name of the wereskunk while she is going through detox.  If you were sprayed by this wereskunk, do not bathe in tomato juice.  Bathe in baking soda instead.  Please do not judge all wereskunks by the actions of this one wereskunk.”

Jessica, (who asked that we not use her last name), claims the wereskunk sprayed her yard signs:  “I thought a normal skunk got into our garbage, but then I looked outside and saw this giant skunk.  When she saw me, she laughed and said she was owning the libs.  Well, I’ll own her and a toter once the DuPage Township Democrats sweep the township election.”

Jake, (who also asked that we not use his last name), said he saw the wereskunk littering Republican flyers in his neighborhood:  

“She was in her human form and had this glassy look in her eyes.  When I told her to stop littering, she shapeshifted into this monster skunk.  Then she started chanting: ‘Meth!  Meth!  It’s the best!’  Believe me, seeing a monster skunk on meth is the best anti-drug argument.”

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said she was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta, said: “Did you really think I wouldn’t find out what you said about me?  Charline and (name redacted) may have left me, but I still have my sources.  Those sources say you call me a ‘wicked Egyptian’ leader!”

“But—” replied a woman.

“When I found out, I went over to our police chief.  He told me that the Village of Bolingbrook doesn’t have any slaves or indentured workers.  The village has never commissioned a cat statue, and, as mayor, I’ve never changed my mind.  Just like Roger.”

“But—”

“Don’t blame me if you don’t know how to bake bread.  If you have a problem with me, you come to my office and say it to my face.  Don’t vote me out of office because you don’t like me.  That’s so negative!”

“But we weren’t talking about you.  We were celebrating Passover.”

“Well…Not all Egyptians enslaved the Jews!”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Bolingbrook police defuse gender reveal hydrogen bomb (Fiction)

File photo of a Mushroom Cloud.

The Bolingbrook police, in cooperation with a federal Nuclear Emergency Search Team, defused a hydrogen bomb intended for a gender reveal party. 

“The suspect said he wanted to reveal his baby’s gender with a bang,” said Bolingbrook police officer Smith, who asked that we not use his/her real name.  “The problem is that bang could have killed thousands of people.  It could have been the deadliest gender reveal incident in history.  I urge all expecting parents to use common sense.  Send out a card, and keep in mind that your baby’s gender may not match their sexual organs.  Be humble.  Don’t be vandals!”

According to sources within Village Hall, a NEST leader contacted Police Chief Mike Roma and informed him that there was a nuclear bomb in Bolingbrook.  When pressed, the official said the team had no idea when it was set to go off, or who planted it.

Roma informed Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta about the bomb.  According to many sources, her first act was to call former Mayor Roger Claar.  Sources agree she left the following voicemail:

Hi Roger, it’s me again.  You told me to call you if I ever there was a major emergency.  Well, we have one now, but don’t worry.  Those terrorists will have to step over my dead body before they can blow up Bolingbrook.  I’ve got this.  Oh, and thanks for the second $20,000 check.  The opposition (Mayoral candidates Jackie Traynere and Sheldon Watts) are putting up quite a fight this time around, but thanks to your donation, we’re going to throw an awesome victory party.

Alexander-Basta then called Watts and told him to wait in the Bridal Suite at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.  According to sources, she told Watts that the other trustees were going to meet there for a special meeting.

“You just want to use Roger’s luxurious office for the meeting,” said Watts.

“You mean my luxurious office.”

“Soon to be my luxurious office.”

Alexander-Basta then moved to an undisclosed location and started a zoom meeting with the remaining trustees.  After briefing the trustees, Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz asked if Bolingbrook should be evacuated.  Alexander-Basta replied that it would take hours to evacuate suburban Chicago.

“The damage to our economy would be far greater than the loss of human life,” said Trustee Michael Carpanzano.  “But if we need to evacuate, I’m more than happy to create an evacuation website.”

“How can you think about websites and the economy at a time like this?” asked Jaskiewicz.

Trustee Maria Zarate replied: “You can evacuate Bolingbrook, Bob, and never come back.”

An hour later, NEST located the bomb inside a hanger at Clow Airport and informed Alexander-Basta.  She dispatched several officers to surround the hanger.  The officers arrived minutes later.

The man who was renting the hanger peacefully surrendered, and unlocked the door.  NEST members rushed into the hanger.  Moments later, one of them shouted, “It’s a Tsar Bomba!

“That can’t be an Obama bomb,” said the man.  “I asked my Russian friend for the biggest Bomb in Russia, and this is what he shipped me.”

Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler wheeled in a UV lamp and announced that he was taking over the scene.  

“I know how to disarm an atomic bomb,” said Lawler.  “I read the instructions in a novel.  All I have to do is shine this UV light on the circuit board, and the detonation commands will be erased!  This is yet another benefit of our Restaurant Grant Program!

Despite the protests from the NEST members, Lawler irradiated the circuit board.  This was followed by several clicking sounds from the bomb.  

“What happened?” asked Lawler.

A NEST member replied: “The computer was actively preventing the arming sequence.  By destroying the computer, you just started the arming sequence!”

“But I don’t see a digital timer counting down.”

“That’s only in the movies.  Only the person who built the bomb knows how long we have.  You may have just destroyed the greater Chicago metropolitan area!”

“Oops.”

Fortunately, a NEST member discovered that the panels covering the nuclear fuel were not booby-trapped. The team was able to remove the fuel, but they could not disarm the conventional explosives inside the triggering device.  When Lawler suggested letting the bomb explode, the team explained that the bomb was still powerful enough to destroy Clow Airport, and the surrounding businesses and neighborhoods.

“Roger would be mad if I let that happened,” said Lawler.

Officer Smith then volunteered to deliver the bomb to the Elmhurst Chicago Stone Company Quarry.  Smith raced down Washington Street and Royce Road, crashed through the gates, and rolled out of the truck before it fell into the quarry.  Moments later, a pink mushroom cloud rose from the quarry.

Smith added: “After everything the Bolingbrook police department did to save Bolingbrook, the least Mayor Mary could do is sign our labor contract.”

Alexander-Basta and Lawler could not be reached for comment.

A spokesperson for Sheldon’s Bolingbrook Independent Voices Party said: “God bless the Bolingbrook Police Department.”

In the background, a woman who sounded like DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford said:  “Great work, Charlene.  I still can’t believe you managed to spin a flyer accusing my candidates of racism and extremism as a racist and extremist attack against me.”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer replied: “It was nothing.  I just asked myself what would  8kun do, and did it.  Then I wrote an inflammatory article for the Edgar County Watchdogs with the images cropped out of context.  I couldn’t have done it without their help.”

“I will thank them for you.”

“I do have a question, though.  Are you worried that some of your slate members might turn against you later on?  They do give off an Alt-Right vibe sometimes.”

“No, because I am a CPA.  That makes me special.”

Also in the Babbler:

Ghost of Dr. Seuss: They do not have to publish my books in a house or with a mouse
Illuminati to debut the Sinema dance at the Bolingbrook State of the Village address
Supercomputer explodes trying to figure out Illinois’s COVID vaccine rules
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/12/21

Village of Bolingbrook pulls off remote concert for the ‘doomsday crew’ of Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The 2020 holiday season began with Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base closed due to the pandemic, and its “doomsday crew” quarantining on the moon.  With support from the Interstellar Commonwealth, the Village still managed to hold its annual holiday concert, despite some on-stage drama, and technical difficulties.

Donna K. Smith, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, said: “Thanks to the Interstellar Commonwealth, we were able to lift the morale of our Doomsday Crew and provide the illusion of normalcy. Sure, we had some unexpected and unwelcome hologram-bombers, but overall, we proved Bolingbrook’s exceptionalism to the galaxy!”

For the first time, the concert was broadcast live across the galaxy. Under the direction of the Interstellar Commonwealth, it was also an interstellar fundraiser for Bolingbrook. Hosted by Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, the concert featured live performances by alien musicians, hologram performances by human performers, speeches, and videos.

“A portion of every credit donated will go towards supporting our fine crew here tonight,” said Jaskiewicz. “The rest will be donated to the Clow UFO Base relief fund to help the families of furloughed employees. In case you’re wondering, the Mayor and trustees will not receive a single credit from this fund.”

“Which is too bad,” said Trustee Michael Carpanzano by Holo-Zoom. “I wanted to use that money to promote myself—I mean the fine businesses suffering under this pandemic.”

The concert started with DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford announcing that she was running the Holo-Zoom connection:

“I want to thank the Village for recognizing my cybersecurity expertise.”

After the Clow UFO Base Visitor’s Choir performance, Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta delivered a short speech urging aliens to donate:

“COVID-19 and the Governor’s restrictions are hurting our local businesses. Some restaurants are so desperate that they’re willing to risk their customers’ lives so they can offer indoor dining. This is despite being in the middle of an airborne pandemic! If I impose fines, the Bolingbrook Chamber of Commerce will call me the mean mom of Bolingbrook. Each credit you donate will allow Clow’s employees to shop locally, and to let me keep my reputation as Bolingbrook’s number one fun mom!”

Alexander-Basta then announced that she had secured enough doses of the Venus COVID-19 vaccine to inoculate every employee. Despite needing to be stored at 820 F and at an atmospheric pressure 75 times greater than Earth’s, she expected all of Clow’s employees to be vaccinated by the end of January and to reopen Clow shortly afterward.“Happy holidays from the First Party for Bolingbrook and the Illuminati. Fnord!”

A hologram of Jackie Traynere, Will County Board member and Bolingbrook United’s candidate for Mayor, then appeared next to Alexander-Basta:

“Actually, I helped negotiate this agreement in my role as a representative of the New World Order. Thanks to our efforts, All of Chicagoland’s UFO bases should be reopened by February. The breakthrough came when Peotone UFO Base agreed to trade its phosphine stock in exchange for the vaccine. I guess Venus has a major insect infection in its upper atmosphere.”

Alexander-Basta threatened to arrest Traynere if she didn’t log off. Traynere replied: “Looks like I have to go, but I hope you’ll remember that I’m running to be Mayor of Bolingbrook, not act like one.”

Former Mayor Roger Claar also addressed the audience. He announced that he was the spokesperson for Yugost Brewery, located on Europa. He said that a portion of the sales of their newest rum would be donated to the relief fund. He also debuted his first video commercial for the company. It went like this :

“As many of you know, I’m a fan of rum and cola. It’s hard to find the right rum to mix in, even on Earth. When I heard that Yugost was releasing a new rum to commemorate Jupiter and Saturn’s conjunction, I was skeptical.” Claar then pulled out a bottle that resembled the recent monoliths appearing on Earth, and stated: “Monolith Rum is the first rum from Europa that’s safe for human consumption.” Claar next started pouring rum into a glass of cola: “If you want to experience the next evolutionary milestone of rum, then ask for Monolith Rum.” Claar took a sip of his drink: “Wow! Just one sip and you’ll feel like a star child too!”

As musicians from around the galaxy performed, unauthorized holograms appeared on stage. A notable crasher included Al Franken, former US Senator and host of The Al Franken Show:

“It’s me! Al Franken! I’m taking my comeback tour to the stars next year. But let me say happy Hanukkah! Who wants to spin the dreidel with me? Acting Mayor—”

“I’m the Mayor! You’d better log off before I order the Men in Blue to cancel you so hard that no one will take you seriously!”

“You’re almost as funny as me: Al Franken.”

One of the most emotional moments of the concert seemed unremarkable at first. Jaskiewicz announced a mystery singer was going to perform and challenged the audience to guess the singer’s identity. When the singer walked on, Carpanzano said he wasn’t fooled by the headscarf and recognized her as Sinead O’Connor.

“Maybe,” Jaskiewicz replied.

“You’re dishonest! It’s obviously Sinead. I’ll carp you after the concert!”

“I’ve lost track of how many times you’ve carped me offline.”

O’Connor and her band first performed “Silent Night.” After receiving a standing ovation for her singing, O’Connor then sang “The Last Day Of Our Acquaintance.” Near the end of the song, her background singers’ holograms morphed into images of DuPage Township Trustee Maripat Oliver and DuPage Township Ken Burgess. O’Connor then held up a photo of Benford. O’Connor’s hologram changed to resemble DuPage Township Supervisor Felix George. George then ripped up the picture.

“That’s for kicking me off the Republican slate!” He said.

A hologram of the previous supervisor’s wife appeared and flipped off Benford before vanishing.

A hologram of Bonnie Kurowski, the leader of Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook, appeared and pointed at Benford:

“You got censored by the board!”

“I was censured, not censored!” Benford then frantically touched buttons on her touchpad. “After I figure out how to disconnect you, I will get my revenge by sweeping the township election in April. Then I will be supervisor!”

“The Edgar County Watchdogs can’t save you now. Or should I say watchdog?”

“Who cares,” added Republican Township candidate Antonio Timothee. “Bonnie, I’m going to flame you so hard that your ashes will be burned to ashes!”

After the show, many “doomsday crew” members said they enjoyed the concert and the support they received from around the galaxy.

An employee who asked not to be identified, said: “The outside world has changed so much. Handshakes are obsolete. Most of the restaurants are gone. Being a Republican now means selfishly risking others’ lives so you can sit in a bar. Being a Democrat now means taking personal responsibility for the well-being of others. It’s such a different world out there. But when I watched our politicians argue with each other, I realized that some things haven’t changed. Somehow, I find that to be reassuring.”

Also in the Babbler:

Hanukkah Harry tests negative for COVID-19
Village of Bolingbrook issues new permit for Santa to enter homes
Humanists insist that ‘Human Light’ isn’t a celebration of spontaneous human combustion
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/9/2020

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.