Zombie skunks terrorize Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Despite reports of zombie skunks in Bolingbrook, the Department of Paranormal Affairs denies their existence.  

A cartoon skunk next to text that reads, "Snow, Bolingbrook's Skeptical Skunk, says Zombie Skunks are fake news! Learn more at www.bolingbrook.com."

Will the Village of Bolingbrook use this graphic to “debunk” zombie skunks?

“There’s no such thing as zombie skunks!” said an official who wished to remain anonymous.  “If zombies were real, we would have been overrun years ago.  This kind of reporting only incites panic.  If you see a very skinny skunk with unusually severe wounds, just run away from it and call animal control.”

Many residents disagree.  

Juanita, who asked that we not use her last name, claims she saw a zombie skunk in her backyard:  “It was really skinny, and had a blank look in its eyes.  It just shuffled towards the house.  I threw something at it.  That should have scared it off, but it kept moving towards the house.  So I pulled out my gun and shot it.  I know I hit it, but it kept going.  So I locked the doors, and my spouse and I debated whether we should lock ourselves in the basement, or shelter upstairs.  We never reached a decision.  The police arrived and the zombie skunk was gone.  The officer gave me a ticket for discharging a gun inside the village.  The zombie apocalypse has started, and the police are ticketing the residents!  No wonder police are useless in these situations!”

Pete, who also asked that we not use his last name, also spotted a zombie skunk:

“I saw a dead skunk next to my trash bags.  I felt bad at first, but as I was getting in my car, it stood up, and I saw that its eyes looked funny.  Then it started walking towards me.  That’s when I realized something was wrong.  No ordinary Bolingbrook skunk would ignore a bag of fresh garbage.  I think it wanted to eat me.  Fortunately, it was slow, and I drove away.”

Pete claims he later called Mayor Roger Claar about the sighting:  “Roger asked if I was supporting the First Party for Bolingbrook in the upcoming election.  I said I was going to vote for Bolingbrook First because I want to elect a party that puts Bolingbrook first.  He said I gave the wrong answer and hung up.  I used to wonder why the governments collapsed in every zombie movie.  Now I understand.”

Pete urged all Bolingbrook residents to stock up on food and ammunition.  He also suggested shooting any skunk in the head, “just to be safe.”

An anonymous employee at Animal Control denied the incident happened and denied the existence of zombie skunks:

“I am aware of the zombie deer disease. It doesn’t turn deer into zombies.  It just makes them waste away and eventually die.  My best advice is not to eat the meat of a deer that was acting strange or looked sick before it was killed.  We do have a few cases in Will County, so be careful out there.”

The employee also urged residents not to kill any skunks without a proper license from the village.

Claar could not be reached for comment, but Michael Carpanzano, a Village Trustee candidate for Claar’s First Party for Bolingbrook, denied the existence of zombie skunks:

“Your stories are stupid and do nothing to help our community.  You should write about how all of our candidates are the only ones canvasing neighborhoods today because we care.”

Bolingbrook United’s Park District Park District candidate Saud Gazanfer walked up to Carpanzano:  “We’re out canvassing today because we also care about Bolingbrook.”

Carpanzano pulled a rubber carp out of his pocket and held it in Gazanfer’s direction:

“As I was saying, I don’t see any of the other parties outside today.”

Also in the Babbler:

The Babbler remembers the victims of the Aurora shooting
Aliens deny attacking PZ Myers
Bolingbrook considers importing rock salt from Europa
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/20/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Web Exclusive: Atheist missionaries invade DuPage Township (Fiction)

Paula (real name withheld), an 80-year-old Romeoville resident, was surprised when the doorbell rang.  As she approached the door, she heard the sounds of people shoveling snow.  When she opened the door, a man wearing a white coat with a red “A” sticker greeted her:

Hello!  My name is John.  There is no God and there’s no cost for us to shovel this snow for you.”

The man then handed her a copy of the book, Letter to a Christian Nation.

“I appreciated the hard work they did,” said Paula.  “I didn’t appreciate that book!  Just because I believe in God does not mean I want to murder atheists.”

John is one of many atheist missionaries descending upon DuPage Township this month.  The missionaries interviewed say they are on a humanitarian mission to “help the innocent victims of strife caused by the civil war here.”  All of them said that they intended to provide services that the Township could no longer provide. Services could be suspended due to the recent resignation of the supervisor, and the trustee’s inability to work together.

“These poor people are suffering at the hands of religious fanatics,” said Elenor, a missionary who refused to give her last name.  “I thought about going to the Third World to debunk Christianity, but after I heard about this terrible civil war, I had to help out.”

None of the missionaries would name the organization sponsoring their mission. However, some anonymous sources believe that controversial atheist thought leaders Sam Harris and Richard Carrier are secretly funding them.

Leo, a missionary from the UK, said he was appalled by conditions he saw in Bolingbrook.  “There are so many religious factions in such a small space.  I understand how the government collapsed here.  I hope that in telling people that religion is fake news, we can light a new candle of enlightenment in Bolingbrook.  Or at least get most people here to question the existence of Jesus.”

Elenor added, “Do you know that the township owns cemeteries, and likes to take senior citizens on so-called trips?  I hope our vacation, I mean mission, will end the atrocities.”

Blake Z. Newton, a resident of Bolingbrook, appreciated the free food he received from the missionaries.  “I asked them where they got the food, and they said they shipped it from Canada.  Don’t get me wrong.  I liked what they did, but they could have helped the local economy by buying food in the local stores.  I also could have done without the live reading of Richard Dawkins’s tweets.  I don’t think Islam is as bad as he says it is.”

Leo said his lack of faith deepened when he met a “local thought leader.”

“This man kept going on and on about all the great things happening around here.  I tried to be nice and say that he was brave for spreading propaganda in the midsts of all the chaos here.  Do you know what he did?  He called me an ‘unapproved outsider’ then stuck a rubber fish in my face.  I told him to read God is not Great, but he ignored me.  If he wants to waste his only life, I won’t stop him.”

The missionaries didn’t say how long they will stay in DuPage Township.

An anonymous township employee said she was not aware of any missionaries operating within DuPage Township:

“I haven’t seen them.  Honestly, I’m so worried about missing a paycheck that I haven’t seen much lately.  I hope the trustees will get their act together and vote for a new Supervisor.  Then he or she can sign my paycheck.”

In the background, a man who sounded like DuPage Township Trustee Ken Burgess said, “Okay!  There are no holidays this Friday.  We have a legal agenda, and everyone can make the meeting.  There’s no reason we can’t have our special meeting, right?”

A woman who sounded like Trustee Alyssia Benford chuckled:  “I won’t know until Friday morning.  You never know what law might crop up then.”

“We can’t keep allowing those dogs to dictate the law to us!  You there.  You’re a lawyer.  

There’s no legal reason why we can’t hold a meeting on Friday.  Right?”

“I don’t think there is, but I left my township law books at home.  You should really ask me a question about real estate law.  I know that like the back of my hand.”

“Is there anyone in this building that is familiar with the laws governing townships?

No one replied.

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Anti-vaccination alien terrorists spotted in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

By Reporter X

A still from a video of an alien anti-vaccination terrorist leaderBolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs is warning residents about a possible alien anti-vaccination terrorist cell operating in Bolingbrook.

Louis X. Peterseim, spokesperson for the department said: “If you so much as hear someone use ‘Jenny McCarthy’ and ‘vaccines’ in the same sentence, let us know.  Washington State wasn’t prepared, and now they have a measles epidemic.  Bolingbrook will not make that same mistake.”

According to the department, three members of the anti-vaccination terrorist group KuKPu’K were arrested. KuKPu’K operatives infiltrate civilizations and spread anti-vaccination propaganda.  Once a civilization loses herd immunity, the operatives release once preventable diseases into the general population.  Experts from the Interstellar Commonwealth’s law enforcement branch believe that over 20 civilizations have been destroyed by KuKPu’K.

“We understand that parenting is scary,” said Peterseim.  “We know that some vaccines have risks, but the benefits of vaccinating your children far outweigh the dangers.”

Peterseim and others in the department also insisted that the claim that vaccines cause autism is fake news.  

According to propaganda released by KuKPu’K, they are not opposed to vaccines, but are opposed to the spread of “gullible civilizations.”  

In one holovideo, a masked leader said, “Any civilization that is willing to let fear triumph over science and reason is not a civilization worthy of reproducing.  We are not infecting innocent children.  Their parents infected them by refusing to vaccinate their children.”

The department also urges all Bolingbrook residents to stay on a vaccine schedule not only for health benefits but to send a message to KuKPu’K:

“Jenny McCarthy and Robert F. Kennedy Jr. are not typical humans.  KuKPu’K may have fooled them, but they cannot fool the average Bolingbrook resident.  The best way to fight interstellar terrorism is to vaccinate your children and yourself!”

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar said she was busy and could not be disturbed.  She also said she believed that Claar fully supports vaccinations:

“Of course he does.  You know, he did earn his PhD., with a dissertation.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “So, Charline, what is your plan to destroy bolingbrookpolitics.com once and for all?”

“Oh, you’re going to love this.  First, I will use my sock puppets to tell them that you were seen on the Jumbotron during a Blackhawks game with a younger woman.  (Site owner Jason Cann) will publish the story even though we know that you would never do anything like that.  When he—Why are you giving me that look?”

Also in the Babbler:

New World Order fears losing DuPage Township to the Illuminati
Wereskunks threaten to endorse Maripat Oliver unless Claar meets their demands
Aliens call ‘Hellier’ documentary a ‘brilliant human comedy’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/14/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Web Exclusive: Protesters throw ‘goop’ at Mayor Claar (Fiction)

A peaceful protest in Bolingbrook ended in hysteria after masked men threw balloons of “goop” at Mayor Roger Claar.

“Roger is fine,” said a village employee who wished to remain anonymous.  “The only harm done was to the protesters’ cause.  They didn’t understand that you have to make the largest donation possible to Roger’s campaign fund before you can even think of throwing anything at him.”

The protest started in the afternoon with ten members of the Bolingbrook Skeptics picketing in front of the patio at Village Hall.  One protester claimed that Goop, a controversial retail site founded by Gwyneth Paltrow, was going to open a store in Bolingbrook.  The company recently signed a deal with Netflix to produce shows for the service. 

“Goop sells woo!” said Sara Z. Vickers, a member of Bolingbrook Skeptics.  “Woo has no place in Bolingbrook.  Just like jade eggs have no place in our vaginas!”

Peter X. Smith, another member, added, “Nothing happens in Bolingbrook without Roger’s permission.  We’re here to tell Roger not to goop up Bolingbrook and reject Gwyneth Paltrow!”

Smith claimed that the group tried to arrange a meeting with Claar, but they were told he didn’t have an opening for “lower tier residents” until December 2020.

“By then, Bolingbrook will have a Goop store and a second Andy’s Custard!  We had to act!”

After 30 minutes of the protesters chanting things like, “G.M.O.s will make us grow,” Claar, who seemed visibly upset, opened a door and started to walk onto the patio.  Three masked men wearing all black rushed up to the patio and started throwing balloons filled with unidentified goop at Claar. He quickly closed the door, but some of the goop had splashed on his pants.  

All of the protesters scattered after the attack.  Many screamed that they were afraid of what the Bolingbrook police would do to them.  One protester made it to the DuPage Township administrative building and demanded “political asylum from Mayor Claar’s infamous temper.”  She was arrested after staff refused to consider her claim.

The Bolingbrook Skeptics later released a statement saying that they never planned to throw anything at Claar.  They claimed that the three men who attacked Claar were “Social Justice Warriors who hate Jordan Peterson.”

CSICOP, a militant splinter group from the Committee for Skeptical Inquiry, claimed responsibility for the attack with the following statement:

“Mayor Claar has let psychics and chiropractors infest Bolingbrook for too long.  He must remove all woo and harmful quackery from Bolingbrook or we will do it for him.  He will not like how we intend to conduct our purge!”

A receptionist at Village Hall denied that Goop was planning to open a store in Bolingbrook.

“You people are so negative.  That’s why we have opposition parties in Bolingbrook now.  If everyone just had positive thoughts, we’d all unite behind Roger.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Thanks for all your hard work over the past month, Bill.  In a few more weeks, everyone will forget about garbage toters, and I can focus on getting rid of Bob.  Oh, don’t worry.  I’ll make sure you are treated like royalty in Sialkot.”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Web Exclusive: Frozen alien de-thawed by doctors at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Clow UFO Base’s medical staff successfully revived a frozen alien days after its human suit malfunctioned during the recent arctic cold blast.

UFO“This is why Clow is under a Nuclear Winter Level Alert,” said James Z. Clarkson, one of the staff doctors who treated the alien.  “Human suits are only designed to operate in normal human environments.  This week was not normal!  She is lucky to be alive, and, more importantly, she’s lucky (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) is not in charge.”

Clow officials would not release the alien’s name but did say she was from Venus and her suit’s heater and pressure regulator had malfunctioned.  The temperature in her suit dropped from 864 Fahrenheit to sub-zero.  The doctors say she survived because her suit injected a preservative into her, and she was found in time.

“One more day and she would have been dead,” said Clarkson.

Other anonymous sources say that when she woke up, her first question was: “Did I miss the drama?”  When pressed for more information, she said she has no other memory of the night she left Clow UFO Base.

Based on where her body was found, it is suspected that she was on her way to the special DuPage Township meeting happening that night.

“No government meeting is worth risking your life for,” said one of the sources.  “I don’t even know if anything dramatic happened at that meeting.”

When called, a receptionist said she was busy fulfilling a FOIA request from “those annoying guys from Edgar County.

In the background, a man said, “I finally finished my research into appointing supervisors.  They were right.  (Trustee Ken Burgess) needed to resign before the board could appoint him.

“Drat!” said a woman who sounded like Township Trustee Maripat Oliver.  “How could they be right, and (Former Township Supervisor William Mayer) be wrong?”

“I don’t know.  You do know what they say about broken clocks?”

“Whatever.  Hey, I just thought of something.  These Edgar County dogs are outsiders, and they’re trying to influence the (Bolingbrook Consolidated Election) so Roger’s candidates win.”

“I guess.”

“It’s collusion!  Just like what the Russians are doing.  Alyssia Benford is the puppet of outsiders, and that’s collusion, right?”

“I wouldn’t say that.  There are many issues to consider.”

“But we could investigate just to be sure, right?”

“Maybe.  I don’t think there are any laws against a township conducting—” 

“And ban their website until the investigation is over, right?”

After a long pause, the man said, “It might be possible since the Constitution doesn’t mention Townships specifically.  But your best option is to wait until I can research this—”

“My other option is to just do it, right?”

“Right, but it might not—”

“I’ll get to work on the subpoena for Jeanne Ives!  She’s in on this, I know! And don’t worry, we won’t spend any general assistance funds on this.”

“Still, you might want to proceed with caution—”

“Nonsense!  It’s better to seek forgiveness than to ask for permission!  I’m setting the controls for the heart of the sun!” 

Note: This is a work of fiction.

Chicagoland braces for brutal Russian weather attack: A Babbler team report (Fiction)

Chicagoland is bracing for Russia’s latest weather attack.  Sources say they are using their Tesla weather control tower to unleash  Winter Storm Jayden and record cold temperatures on Bolingbrook and the rest of Chicagoland.  We sent out a team of reporters to see how our region is preparing for this attack.

Bolingbrook’s warming centers will not discriminate based on secret society membership.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar says staff at its warming centers will not ask residents about their secret society affiliations:

“Just because I’m a member of the Illuminati does not mean I want my residents to freeze to death.  Oh, and I suppose I don’t want my foes who live in Bolingbrook to freeze either.  If your heater doesn’t work, come to a center to warm your heart and mind.  Then remember this moment when a foe knocks on your door and says I’m evil!”

An anonymous member of Bolingbrook United, which is affiliated with the New World Order, sent this reply:

“We think it is great that Bolingbrook has warming centers, and we support them too.  We also support the idea that snowplows shouldn’t leave piles of snow in front of our residents’ driveways. Warming centers are useless if residents can’t reach them.”

Anonymous DuPage Township Trustee: Not even Winter Storm Jayden! will stop us from electing a new Supervisor

The DuPage Township will still hold a special meeting on January 29 at 7 PM at 241 Canterbury LN, Bolingbrook, IL to elect a new Supervisor.

“We need to replace (Former Supervisor William Mayer),” said an anonymous DuPage Township Trustee.  “And nothing will stop us.  If a nuclear war starts on that day, we will still find a way to meet!”

The Trustee added that no one should risk their lives to attend:

“You must assess the risk if you are thinking about attending our meeting.  Is driving over 200 miles to tell us we must resign really worth risking your car breaking down and freezing to death in the middle of downstate Illinois?”

Clow and other Chicagoland UFO Bases insist they are ready for the bad weather

By Reporter X

Despite Chicago being the target of a Russian weather attack, all three UFO Bases expect to remain open.

“Clow UFO Base has excellent traffic control systems,” said Aplodoxage Glomox, the Acting Administrator of Clow UFO Base.  “Plus, most interstellar spacecraft are designed to withstand conditions found on Jovian planets and planets like Venus.  This storm is nothing compared to the Great Red Spot.”

Paul X. Zacks, Administrator for Peotone UFO Base, says he expects business as usual during the week:

“We’re expecting freight from Titan on Wednesday,” said Zacks.  “The captain told me the crew wants to step outside and enjoy the ‘warm’ weather.” 

He also added that staff will live inside the base during the weather attack.

Palatine Village Manager Reid Ottesen insists Rob Sherman UFO Base will be able to handle severe weather this time:

“All the problems we had last time were due to Illuminati sabotage.  We’ve upped security, and added more traffic control centers.  I’ve assured the New World Order that we are ready to accept the delegation from Pluto and not to worry about that Illuminati attack against Durty Nellies.”

Mayor Jim Schwantz then walked into the office.

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m just telling this reporter  that your State of the Village Address is still on for January 30.”

“Of course it is.  The state of the village is great, just like the Chicago Bears!  You should also mention that unlike a certain village south of us, my address is free and open to the public!”

Bolingbrook Skeptics deny Russian Weather attack

The Bolingbrook Skeptics sent out a press release insisting that the Russians do not have a weather control machine.

Tesla is overrated and only cited by unenlightened people. We call upon all Bolingbrook residents to ignore this weather control nonsense and focus on more important issues.  Like the rise of Critical Theory!”

Also in the Babbler:

Babbler is not laying off reporters
Wereskunks deny forcing residents to house wild skunks
Chicago residents disappointed that Lake Michigan monster is still alive
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/30/19

Bolingbrook’s minor opposition parties respond to the 2019 State of the Village Address (Fiction)

Each year we invite Bolingbrook’s opposition parties to respond to Bolingbrook’s Annual State of the Village Address, Of the major opposition parties, only Bolingbrook United sent a reply.  Bolingbrook First politely declined.  We also received replies from Bolingbrook’s minor opposition parties:  The Roger Claar Party, The Zero Tax Party, The Atheist Party For Bolingbrook, The Al Gore Party, and The Dog Catcher Party. 

The opinions expressed are those of the parties and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Babbler.

The Roger Claar Party (Not affiliated with Mayor Roger Claar)

“A great mayor deserves a great party.”

Wow.  That was our first reaction to the speech.  Great things are happening in our village.  Would they have happened if Roger wasn’t our mayor?  We think not.  This is the best time to be a resident of Bolingbrook because we are living in the peak-Roger period!

Unfortunately, we know that Roger has never been fully supported by his Trustees, and this year is no different.  Bolingbrook First has abandoned him.  Will the First Party for Bolingbrook really put Roger first?  The sad reality is he is all alone in Village Hall.

Imagine if there were a political party that fully supported Roger.  Imagine trustees that threw themselves in front of politicians who tried to bother our residents at home.  Imagine trustees that would speak up every time the Anti-Roger tried to poison the discourse in Village Hall.

Now stop imagining.  We are that party.  

This could be Roger’s final term as Mayor.  We think a great parting gift would be a board filled with trustees who fully support him.  After all Roger has done for us, the least you can do is vote for the only party that is named after the greatest mayor in the history of Bolingbrook.

The Zero Tax Party

“Zero taxes=infinite revenue”

Once again, Roger declined to abolish all taxes and fees in Bolingbrook.  He still subscribes to the dated belief that taxes generate revenue.

We, with our advanced understanding of quantum mathematics, know better.  When a body of government is formed and decides not to impose taxes, it will suddenly have infinite revenue.  This is the only logical conclusion of Supply Side Economics!

If you doubt us, then consider this.  How did the Park District cut taxes and suddenly have enough money to fund renovations to our playgrounds?  Quantum mathematics is the answer!

So if you want to live in a village without taxes and infinite funds to meet every resident’s needs, then vote for us!

The Atheist Party For Bolingbrook

“Keeping religion out of village hall”

It’s bad enough that you have to dress up and pay $70 to attend the State of the Village Address.  Did Roger really have to make it worse by including a prayer?

Religion has no place in this village.  Period.  It’s bad enough that we have to fill our strip malls with businesses that don’t generate sales taxes.  We also have to subsidize the tax-free churches infesting our village.  Residents complain of “negativity” and “divisiveness” whenever someone disagrees with the mayor about garbage toters.  They overlook the corrosive effect religion has on our village.  We are divided by at least 22 places of worship.  We agree with Christopher Hitchens:  Religion poisons everything!

Bolingbrook has succeeded in spite of its religious divisions, not because of them.  Some will argue that God made Bolingbrook great.  We ask this simple question:  Which one?  The God that favors descendants of Israel?  The God who thinks all violence is wrong?  The God who blesses armies?  The God who had a son?  The God who followed up on what his son said?

We won’t take religion out of your home, but we will it take out of village hall, and demand that religious institutions pay the same taxes as the hard-working residents of Bolingbrook.

You don’t need faith to know that Bolingbrook is great!

The Al Gore Party

“We were warned.”

Roger has done many great and not so great things for our village.  I think we can agree that he’s good at spending other people’s money.

We can debate what he has done, but it is more important to look at what is coming.  The climate that supported Bolingbrook’s growth is going away.  Climate change is a fact.  We need to prepare for this.

Climate change will mean Bolingbrook will face heavier rains in the spring, and more droughts in the summer.  Is it wise to subsidize a luxury golf course when this space could be used for another water retention lake?

As the demand for Lake Michigan water increases, will future mayors reward residents for maintaining their yards or reward them for conserving water?  Today our yards are expected to be covered with grass.  Will tomorrow’s yards be covered only with dirt instead?

Climate change may also cause the greatest domestic refugee crises since the dust bowl.  How will we deal with these refugees?  Today Trump’s USA rejects refugees from Mexico.  Will it reject refugees from Mexico, Missouri tomorrow?

We cannot keep debating how great Bolingbrook is or isn’t.  The climate of the past is gone.  We need to prepare for the new climate that is coming. If we are to be a great village in the future, we may need to make many serious changes to survive.

The Dog Catcher Party

“We will not resign.”

We understand that Bolingbrook is not an island.  We understand that non-residents will donate to both major parties in Bolingbrook.  We understand that not all the volunteers for both parties will be residents.  We understand that anyone in the world can make comments about Bolingbrook.  Because we know that the voters, who are residents, will make the final choice.

What we do not tolerate are non-residents disrupting local meetings and threatening to file lawsuits.  Yes, we are looking at you, Edgar County Watchdogs.

Instead of focusing on important issues in Edgar County, (like the lack of tornado sirens), the Watchdogs like to spend their time harassing governments hundreds of miles away from them, (including the DuPage Township).  We are disappointed that Roger did not denounce them or stand up for his longtime ally, Township Supervisor William Mayer.

Their critics note their ties to the Republican party.  We do not feel that is the best way to view them.  They are fanatics who follow the most extreme interpretation of the law to take down those they consider impure.  Nothing will stop them from holding properly elected officials to their impossible standards.  We are appalled that a certain local politician is using them for personal gain.  

If elected to the Village board, we promise to make sure that the village follows sensible interpretations of the law.  If a board member feels the need to summon these foreign watchdogs, maybe they should consider stepping down first, before disrupting our meetings.

If these dogs say to us, “You must resign.”  Our answer will be simple:  “No.  We will not resign.  You must go (expletive deleted) yourselves.”

Also in the Babbler:

Russians fail to freeze out Bolingbrook
Palatine UFO Base cancels 100 landings due to a frozen sensor
Bigfoot sighted near Mayor Claar’s home
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/25/19 

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Bolingbrook United’s reply to the 2019 State of the Village Address (Non-fiction)

The follow is Bolingbrook United’s reply to the 2019 State of the Village address:

Last Thursday, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar was the keynote speaker at the Bolingbrook Chamber of Commerce’s annual “State of the Village.” While Bolingbrook United respects the Mayor’s willingness to stand up and present a report to the public, we disagree with a number of his and his allied village board members’ statements and policies.

 For example, the Mayor touted Bolingbrook as 100% transparent. Bolingbrook United believes that transparency is an area that needs significant improvement in our local Government. The village board’s continued use of no-bid contracts for public projects is only one example of the current lack of transparency. These no-bid contracts result in increased costs for the Village with substandard results and little public oversight. 

Just last month, the Board voted to give Kemper Sports a 5-year contract to manage the Bolingbrook Golf Club and refused to put the contract out for competitive bid. There was only one “no” vote against that contract; it came from Bolingbrook United trustee Bob Jaskiewicz, who requested that contracts, especially those as costly and important as the one to manage the Golf Club, be put out for a competitive bid.

We understand that a competitive bid process may not be cost effective for certain smaller projects. However, for our large initiatives, it is the board’s duty to ensure that taxpayers are receiving the highest quality service for the lowest price. The only way to do that is through an established and fair bidding process. Unfortunately, a clear and objective bidding process has been continually rejected by the majority of the board members and the Mayor.

The topic of Naperville’s Rib Fest was also addressed. This marquee event is looking for a new home for the future as it has outgrown its current host site in Naperville.  It was stated that Bolingbrook was not interested in the event because of the demands of the event. We respectfully disagree on this point. Bolingbrook has significant public-owned space, a hard-working and talented Village staff, and a private business community and diverse population that could easily offer the support the Village would need to host this event. Bolingbrook will only grow if opportunities like Rib Fest, with its wide national following, are aggressively pursued by our local government. We cannot continue to grow if our leaders reject opportunities because they may require hard work and innovative solutions.

Mayor Claar also discussed the village water system, currently owned and maintained by Illinois American Water. Bemoaning the high cost of water, he stated the company placed profits ahead of people. While we do agree that the Bolingbrook water system is not operating in the best interests of the village, it is surprising to hear Mayor Claar discuss this problem with such passion as the Mayor brokered the deal to sell Bolingbrook’s public water system to a private entity so many years ago. A decision as problematic then as it is now. Bolingbrook United believes that taxpayer-funded infrastructure should remain in the hands of the taxpayers. The decades of inflated water bills and the increased debt the village will sustain in buying it back only strengthens our belief that private interest and short term gains should never be put before the taxpayers. 

While we have our differences, Bolingbrook United joins Mayor Claar in celebrating the many successes in our Village. Our business community continues to expand and grow. We continue to be enriched by ever growing and expanding diversity in our residents. We are blessed with a private and public sector that cares about this community and wants to see it thrive. But we are facing problems as well. Our leaders cannot hide their heads in the sand because the acknowledgment of shortcomings and failures would not be politically expedient. 

As the April 2, 2019, consolidated election approaches, Bolingbrook United wants to remind you that you have the power to decide what sort of Village you want to live in. We hope that you will join us and our candidates for Village Trustee, School Board, Library Board, and Park District as we work to make our vision a reality. A vision of a Bolingbrook where every citizen is heard, the government is accountable to the people, and where new ideas and fresh perspectives are welcomed and appreciated. 

Bolingbrook United humbly asks for your vote on April 2nd.

-The candidates of Bolingbrook United-

To learn more about Bolingbrook United and their candidates, visit www.bolingbrookunited.com or contact us at info@bolingbrookunited.com.

‘The Girl Survives Cancer In This One’ is more than the ending (Non-Fiction)

Miri over the Orbit just published a zine, The Girl Survives Cancer In This One.  It’s a collection of essays about being diagnosed with cancer at age 26 and her recovery from a double mastectomy.

The Girl Survives Cancer In This One

Cancer digs an immense well of sadness and suffering, but that’s not what these pieces are primarily about. I had some of my happiest, funniest, and most enriching times that year, too. All of that is part of the story as much as the pain is.

Compiled from her writings during her recovery, she vividly describes her pain management, her fears,  the people who helped her through recovery, and her observations about life.  The title is a spoiler, but the real story is how “the girl” survived cancer and how it changed her.  I highly recommend this zine.

The online version is $4, and the paperback version is $8.