Occupation of Clow UFO Base ends: Interstellar Commonwealth takes over Bolingbrook’s UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

After nearly three months, alien protesters ended their occupation of Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

UFO“While the situation on Earth continues to deteriorate,” read a statement from the protesters, “We understand that our occupation of Clow UFO Base isn’t helping humanity.  Our statement has been made, and we no longer need to occupy Clow UFO Base.  The galaxy knows that Donald Trump is an evil racist overlord, and (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) helped inflict Trump’s evil upon the Earth by raising money for him.  We may be leaving, but we will not forget.”

Representatives from the Interstellar Commonwealth brokered the deal with the protesters, the Village of Bolingbrook, the New World Order, the Illuminati, and the Knights Templar.  Under the terms of the deal, the protesters were given safe passage out of our solar system, but each is banned for life from visiting Earth.  The Interstellar Commonwealth assumed control of Clow and will manage the base until the April 2, 2019 municipal election.  If Claar’s party, Bolingbrook First, retains at least two village trustee seats, Claar and the Illuminati will regain control of Clow.  If Bolingbrook United, affiliated with the New World Order, wins all three seats, they will take over, and Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz will become the new administrator.  The Knights Templar will monitor the election.

“The voters of Bolingbrook will decide the fate of Clow UFO Base,” read a statement from the Interstellar Commonwealth.

Claar, who was attending the Illuminati/New World Order peace talks in Cuba, released a statement supporting the deal:  “The Interstellar Commonwealth will pay for the base cleanup, and resume revenue sharing with the village.  I will once again run Clow UFO Base.  I’m not worried about Bolingbrook United.  If those anti-Trump politicians couldn’t defeat me in 2017, they won’t be able to defeat my party in 2019.  I heard there were Republicans at their last fundraiser event.  I will give them until the end of the September to renounce their support for Bolingbrook United.  Any Republican who continues to support Bolingbrook United after September I will  consider a Democrat.”

Sources within Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs say the base is “remarkably in good shape,” and should reopen in a week.

When reached for comment, Jaskiewicz said, “Can you adjust your voice modulator?  I can’t understand a word you are saying.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Rick Morales said: “Did you see the Trustee election poll in Bolingbrook Politics?”

A man who sounded like Claar said: “Of course.  Every time my blood pressure gets too low, I buy a copy of the Babbler and visit that group.  I’m back to normal in seconds.”

“Why is my name not listed?  I thought I was going to be running for re-election.  You’re not still mad about all those times I voted against you many years ago?”

“No, but you know the story of Vince Lombardi and the 1959 Green Bay Packers?  Think of yourself as Babe Parilli, and the new guy as Bart Starr.

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook United denies candidate is a secret land squid
Source:  Mayor Claar spent most of Cuba trip arguing on Facebook
President Trump blames aliens and Mayor Claar for two tied NFL games
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/19/18

Bolingbrook United announces their 2019 candidates (Non-fiction)

The following is a press release from the Bolingbrook United Party.

Two years ago, a small group of residents met to discuss local issues, government waste and the need for the Village of Bolingbrook to end its history of political elitism which forbids individuals from any real participation in local government and promoted pay to play politics. In addition to their concern over the notable shortfalls of local government, they wanted to further prosperity within the community as a whole, not just for the well connected. As a result of that meeting the Bolingbrook United political party was formed and its first candidate, Bob Jaskiewicz was later elected to the village board in April of 2017.

Despite being outspent by their opponents by more than a 2 to 1 margin and existing for only a few months before the 2017 election, Bolingbrook United came within less than 1⁄2 of 1% of the votes needed to also win the contest for mayor, village clerk, and another village trustee position. This strong showing from what was a grassroots effort confirmed that village residents are no longer satisfied by the status quo.

Since the 2017 municipal election, Bolingbrook United has continued to grow in its membership, visibility, and leadership in Bolingbrook. As Bolingbrook United looks towards the 2019 municipal election, on the evening of September 12, 2019, the group announced its intended slate of candidates for a range of local governmental bodies. Those candidates and some basic information about each are found at the bottom of this press release.

Over the coming weeks and months, Bolingbrook United’s candidates will start gathering petitions for signatures to appear on the ballot and hosting various campaign events between now and election day, April 2, 2019.

To join Bolingbrook United’s efforts, become a volunteer, help collect signatures or for additional information please contact the party through any of its candidates or Joe Giamanco via joe@glawpartners.com. Be sure to “like” the Bolingbrook United Facebook page at www.facebook.com/bolingbrookunited to follow the campaign.

Candidates for Village Trustee:

Ajaz Gill – a 30 year resident of Bolingbrook, Ajaz was born in Pakistan where he met his wife Rizwana and started his own business. Ajaz moved to Bolingbrook in 1989 and started Midwest Draperies in 1990. Ajaz and his wife are the parents of three sons, all who received their education within the Valley View 365U School System. He leads his life by his core values of hard work, respect, and loyalty. He is an active member in the local Mosque and considered a leader by the congregation. Ajaz joined Bolingbrook United because he recognized the group’s ability and desire to unite us all in the party’s support for a common cause for equality, regardless of gender, race, faith and it celebrated that which makes us all a unique, the fabric of this diverse country. Ajaz believes that the skills that he has learned as a business owner and as a leader at the Mosque, will allow him to work on issues key to Bolingbrook and what is best for its residents.

Jaime Olson – is a 12-year resident of Bolingbrook, the mother to two fabulous children and is married to Bolingbrook attorney Joe Giamanco. Jaime moved to Bolingbrook in 2006 to laydown roots and start a family. Jaime graduated from the University of Iowa with a degree in history (with honors) and political science and received her Juris Doctor from DePaul University College of Law in 2002. Jaime has worked as an administrative law judge, attorney, a manager and a specialist in labor and employee relations. Jaime currently serves as the Labor Relations Officer for the General Services Administration in Chicago. Since moving to Bolingbrook, Jaime has been active in the community, serving as a Girl Scout leader, a soccer coach with the Bolingbrook Soccer club, the vice president of the Illinois Democratic Women of Will County, and member of the marketing committee for local charity Power Connection. Jaime has also been involved in and assisted with PTA, Bolingbrook Pride, and her neighborhood Home Owners Association and provided free legal assistance to our community during Lawyers in the Library inaugural event. She is also the founder and primary contributor to the Facebook group “Bolingbrook Events”. Jaime wants to help make our community better and ensure that our children are not saddled with the debt created by the current administration. Jaime believes her desire to help others, as well as her work and civic experience, have provided her with the knowledge and experience necessary to be a good Trustee.

Terri Ransom – A 19-year resident of Bolingbrook, Terri is the newly appointed DuPage Township Democrat’s Precinct Captain for Precinct 31, current Board
more than 25 years of Information Technology experience in the financial industry, most recently in Cyber Security. She is the member of the Black History Awareness Club, council member for the Naperville Boys and Girls Club, and volunteer for Moms Demand Action. She is also the former business owner of Computertots and Computer Explorers, past treasurer of Panther Sports Club, and a former Girl
Scout troop leader. Terri is married to Michael, and they have two children — a college freshman and a recent college graduate. Terri is running for Village Trustee for the same reasons she ran in
2017, to stand up and fight for Bolingbrook and deliver prosperity for all by returning the power
back to the residents.

Candidates for Valley View 365U School Board:

Sandra Carlson – Sandra, a 23-year resident of Bolingbrook, was born in Chicago and has lived in five different communities in Illinois. She moved to Bolingbrook when her husband Paul accepted the call to be the pastor at New Life Lutheran Church. The Carlson’s brought three sons and a dog with them to Bolingbrook. The family has grown and now includes three fabulous daughters in law and two grandchildren, AJ and Hope. Sandra is a licensed clinical professional counselor. She earned a master’s degree in counseling from Northern Illinois University in 1994. She earned her Ed.D in counseling in 2010 from NIU. Since the year 2000, Sandra has operated a counseling practice in Bolingbrook and has been privileged to serve the community ever since. Sandra’s love of children makes her a passionate advocate for quality education and as a mental health counselor, she understands the challenges our children face in the 21st century. She believes that schools are crucial to the health and wellbeing of children, and the communities they live in. Sandra wants to serve on the school board as she believes that education saves lives, as it saved hers.

Charlotte Droogan – a 54-year resident of Bolingbrook, Charlotte is essentially a founding citizen as she’s lived here longer than Bolingbrook has even existed as a legal entity. Charlotte has a master’s in counseling and is a retired third-grade teacher who served the families of the Valley View School District for thirty years. After retirement, she continued the job she loved as a substitute teacher for another ten years. Her love for kids and the people who teach them inspired Charlotte to run for the school board. Her background in teaching and as a longtime resident of the community make her uniquely qualified for the position. Charlotte wants to enhance the programs we already have for our students and brings to the table new ideas about how to further enrich the lives of children through education.

Mustafa Syed – a 15-year resident of Bolingbrook, Mustafa has been married for 25 years and has two children. He has a master’s in business administration and bachelors in commerce. He has more than 15 years of experience in Information Technology (IT) in software development, testing, and implementation. Presently working as IT consultant and Project Manager. Mustafa has extensively traveled the world and is an avid follower of world politics. His interest includes reading gardening, interiors, sports and community involvement. He believes that schools have a very strong and direct impact every resident of Bolingbrook village, including those without children as school ratings affect home values, not just the lives of our children. Mustafa wants to work towards improving Valley View 365U’s overall ratings to benefit not only our children but also taxpayers and homeowners.

Fountaindale Library Board of Trustees

Otis Gatlin – is a 13-year resident of Bolingbrook grew up in Chicago and graduated from Lane Tech College Prep. Otis has 3 kids, 2 daughters, and 1 son. Otis works for Chase Bank as a mortgage underwriter and attended college at Wilbur Wright College. His hobbies include reading, traveling and watching the NBA and NFL. Otis is running for Library Board because he wants to make the Library more transparent and accessible to all Bolingbrook citizens. As a resident Otis has attended several Library Board meetings and has been disappointed to see some board members repeatedly fail to regularly attend meetings or arrive on time and believes this is a disservice to our residents.

Ryan Harter – is an 8-year resident of Bolingbrook. Ryan and his wife, Sara, moved to Bolingbrook in 2011; their son, Milo, was born in 2017. Ryan is part of a small mobile app business and enjoys sharing his expertise with the community by supporting local tech events. He’s always enjoyed being a part of the community and wants to do his part to contribute to the wonderful resource that is the Fountaindale Library. Until moving to Bolingbrook Ryan wasn’t fully aware of everything that a library could be. He believes that the library is more than a collection of books and movies, it serves an important role as a place to gather, share ideas, and learn. Because of this, as a trustee, Ryan’s goal is to raise awareness for our incredible library and everything it has to offer.

Deb Savage – is a 12-year resident of Bolingbrook with a bachelor’s & masters in nursing & administration. Currently, she serves the community as an elected Will Co Regional School Board Trustee. She is a member of Chamberlain University’s national library & information resources committee and is the former head of the library committee on the Addison campus. Deb wants more residents in Bolingbrook to know all of the terrific resources the library has and how to access them. She wants to expand library resources, services, and events; and to ensure taxpayer dollars are being used wisely and that library decisions are evidence-based in the best interest for all Bolingbrook residents.

Park District Board

Saud Gazanfer – is a 15-year resident of Bolingbrook, is married to Subuhi Humera, a physician at Advocate Good Smartian Hospital, and has two children. A self-described techie, entrepreneur, environmentalist, and coffee lover, Saud is currently employed as a Senior Software Engineer. Saud is running for Park District Board as he wants to modernize the existing park district infrastructure as well as promote fiscal responsibility by cutting the losses from loss generating programs. He wants to market the facilities aggressively by increasing the social media footprint to generate business and resident usage as well as reaching out to more communities with the park district facilities to ensure maximum participation of residents. In addition, Saud wants to encourage and promote more family and senior citizen programs and special programs for physically challenged residents.
For more information about this press release contact: Joe Giamanco of Bolingbrook United, at 773-354-8909 or joe@glawpartners.com.

Looking back on 9/11 (Non-fiction)

As I’m sitting here eating lunch, I thought back on the events of 9/11/01. I remember walking into work just minutes after a DJ said the first plane crash was not an accident. Our receptionist directed me to a room with a TV set to Fox News. I waked in just as video of the second plane hitting a tower played.

I don’t remember what the anchors said during those long hours. I just remember the numbness I felt watching so many die on live TV. I still felt numb as I walked outside to a sky with no airplanes. It took days for it to go away.

Maybe 9/11 didn’t change everything, but there were changes. It was conventional wisdom that voters would never support a war that lasted too long. Today, the “War on Terror” rages on with no end and waged by both parties. We tolerate security theater in our airports. (Confession: I was a TSA employee for over a year.) The attack’s also made many people question the value of religion and that helped lead to the rise of New Atheism

There will be more changes as 9/11 becomes a distant memory. Some for the better, I hope. There have also been other events that have affected Americans as well. Still, I can’t help but think that attacks on that day helped shape our current state of affairs.

Rep. Bill Foster leads delegation to meet with Clow UFO Base’s occupiers (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Congressman Bill Foster lead a small delegation to meet with the aliens who seized Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

Congressman Bill Foster

“This should have been resolved back in July,” said Foster after the meeting. “A certain mayor should have tried negotiating with occupiers before asking Trump to send in Space Force Marines.  Anyway, now I’m convinced that this will be over in a matter of days.”

State Representative Natalie Manley also believed the occupiers would soon surrender Clow UFO Base:  “I know that many beings around the galaxy are concerned about the events on Earth.  I appreciate their support as I, and other Democrats, try to fix the state and the country.  Taking over Clow UFO Base doesn’t help our efforts—  It hurts us.  I explained that the occupation will be used by Melania Trump and Roger Claar as an excuse for violence.  I don’t want the massacre at Area 51 to be repeated at Clow.”

Lauren Staley-Ferry, Will County Board member, said she reminded the occupiers that they were currently delinquent on their county tax bill: “I did a terrible thing once, and some people still won’t let it go.  No matter how many times I say I’m sorry, or no matter how respected I am at my current job, they will keep bringing it up.  I told the occupiers that if they didn’t surrender Clow UFO Base and pay their taxes now, the Illuminati would never forgive them!  They would end up being unfairly judged for this incident for the rest of their lives.  I think I got through to them. Anyway, I should be the next county clerk since I’ve demonstrated during my time on the board that I’m committed first and foremost to the interests of Will County residents.”

When asked why Mayor Roger Claar, or any trustees, weren’t part of the delegation, Foster said: “Roger and the Illuminati have caused enough damage already.”  He added that he did consult with opposition trustee Robert Jaskiewicz.

Foster also claimed to have consulted with former Clow UFO Base employee, and current Congressional candidate, Sean Casten:  “I talked with him for a few minutes, then canvassed for him on the way to Clow.  We could use someone like him in Congress.  Can you believe (Representative Peter Roskam) doesn’t believe in UFOs and won’t attend meetings about interstellar affairs?  Sean’s experience at Clow UFO Base will only help US-interstellar relations.”

Claar and Roskam could not be reached for comment.

A volunteer at Casten’s campaign denied the candidate ever worked at Clow: “Sean is a scientist.  He doesn’t have time for your nonsense.  Bolingbrook isn’t even in the Sixth District.  Anyway, we at the Downers Grove Destroyer office know not to waste Sean’s time with you guys.  I just warned the Elgin Escort, the Barrington Battleship, and the Wheaton Warship offices about you guys as well.  Hey!  Do we have a nickname for the West Chicago office?”

In the background, a man said: “My daughter says you want to let thirteen-year-olds drive.  Is that true?”

“You tell him Sean!”  said a young woman.

“No,” said a man who sounded like Casten.  “What I actually said is that if a minor commits a crime with a gun, the parents should be held accountable.  Just like if my thirteen-year-old daughter stole my car and had an accident.  I would be held accountable for that.  Of course, she would never steal my car.  It was just an example I used at a small gathering.”

“You suck!”  said the young woman.  “I thought you were awesome, but you’re just as uncool as my dad.”

“You just earned my vote, Sean.”

Also in the Babbler:

Happy Rosh Hashanah
Palatine residents fall ill as New World Order tests new UFO tracking system.
Bolingbrook United denies it will nominate a Satanist for Library Board
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/11/18

Illuminati covert audit finds no evidence DuPage Township illegally funded interstellar charities (Fiction)

By Reporter X

A covert team of Illuminati auditors found no evidence that the DuPage Township fraudulently spent millions of interstellar credits on donations to interstellar charities.  During a conference announcing their findings, they also accused DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford of wasting their time.

“We risked our lives by breaking into Clow UFO Base for our forensic audit,” said Milton, the leader of the auditing team.  “We were able to reconcile the finance records inside Clow with copies kept at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.  We’ve come to the conclusion that Trustee Benford has no idea what she’s talking about, and has a militant desire to talk about it.  She owes us a half-million credits for wasting our time— but we will accept an apology.”

Benford refused to apologize.  “I’m saddened to see that once again our township has hired incompetent forensic auditors.  The firm that audited our public funds found trivial errors, but couldn’t discover the thousands of dollars I know are missing!  This firm is worse.  I don’t think it is a coincidence.  I think the corrupt Chicago political machine has touched our fine county and our fine galaxy.  I can’t wait to become a State Representative so I can rage against the machine and spread chaos to all of Illinois.”

Mayor Roger Claar, who is also a high ranking Illuminati official, was not pleased.  “Alyssia, I told you not to spread chaos in my village, and you didn’t listen to me!  You’re supposed to spread chaos to the rest of the state—  Not here!”

“We’re spreading chaos everywhere!” said Trustee Dennis Raga.  “We’re Illuminati Knights of Chaos!  We’re going to bring down the New World Order with booze!  Boobs!  EDM!  Booze!  Booze!  EDM! Boobs—”

“Shut up!” interrupted Claar.  “I’m going to give both of you an opportunity think about what you’ve done.  This weekend, both of you will be canvassing for 16th Congressional Candidate Sara Dady!”

“She’s the Democrat Party candidate,” gasped Benford.

“Yes, and I expect both of you to do a good job of canvassing for her.  I thought of worse punishments, but this is appropriate for your actions.  Don’t prove me wrong!”

Both trustees cried then agreed to canvass for Dady.

Benford and Raga could not be reached for comment.

A receptionist for Claar said he was out of the office and had visitors waiting for him.

In the background, a woman who sounded like advisor Charlene Spencer seemed to be role-playing different characters: “‘Alyssia asked for a flyer from the Bolingbrook Rotary Club.  Then she gave them taxpayer money without approval from the board.  This proves she’s corrupt!’  ‘That’s a vicious attack against the only honest township trustee.  It took her seven years to discover that the Township staff is incompetent.  We should reward her with a higher political office.’  ‘Guys!  Left or Right, I think we can all agree that townships are hopelessly corrupt and should be abolished.’”

A man cleared his throat.

“Oh, hi Bob!”

“Charlene, are you playing with your fake Facebook accounts like they’re action figures?”

“I’m not playing.  I’m helping my client’s campaign to destroy all townships in Illinois.”

“I understand, but do you really have to use your sock puppets to smear anyone working for a township?  There are some decent people working in these townships, and I don’t think they deserve your unethical attacks.  Speaking of which, did you really need to attack me in your last post?”

“Attacked?  Bob, if you think I’m attacking you now, just wait until next year.  Igor and I have someone very special planned for your slate of candidates.”

Also in the Babbler:

Representative Roskam compares Sean Casten to Donald Trump
Aliens drove Bolingbrook Porkchop out of business, says the owner
Mayor Claar bans Gunkata classes in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/7/18

Web Exclusive: Roskam campaign to host Sean Casten themed ‘Hellhouse’ in Wheaton (Fiction)

Sources inside Representative Peter Roskam’s campaign say the campaign will run a haunted attraction based around his Democratic opponent, Sean Casten.  Based on “Hellhouses” run by Christian ministries, the attraction will be called “Casten you to Hell.”  It will open October 1st and run through Halloween.

Will this graphic promote Rep. Peter Roskam’s ‘Hellhouse’?

“Sean Casten is a liberal devil,” said Blake, who claims to be a paid member of Roskam’s staff.  “We want to show the voters of the Sixth Congressional District the kind of Hell on Earth Casten would inflict on them.”

According to the sources, horrors planned for the house include: 

  • Women wearing pussy hats while getting abortions
  • Liberals taking away guns because they’re “triggering.”
  • Heavy Duty pickup trucks turning into electric powered subcompact cars
  • Transpeople having the same rights as white men
  • Black Lives Matter activists patrolling Wheaton
  • “Entitled” activists burning an entrepreneur

When asked if the “Entitled” activists were supposed to represent Social Security and Medicare recipients, Blake shushed this reporter.  “We’re not allowed to talk about S and M in Wheaton.”

Jack, a volunteer for Roskam, said part of the house will portray “a Casten owned business.”  It will depict Casten burning money, while employees are taxed to death, and “Christian Freedom Fighters” are crushed by a giant “carbon foot.”

“We tried to get Sean’s former employees to speak out against him,” said Jack.  “None of them wanted to.  He must have cast a spell on them because they all said they liked him.”

Blake says the “Hell House” will play a key role in securing victory for Roskam.  “Most constituents hate Peter.  If we can make them fear Sean, we’ll win.  Fear is stronger than hate.  So spread the fear!  Oh, did you know that Sean’s Barrington office is also a gay bar?  That’s scary!”

A receptionist for the Casten campaign said the campaign didn’t believe Roskam would host such an event.  “These attack ads just cover up the fact that Peter is afraid of his constituents.  Seriously.  When’s the last time you saw Peter in our district?”

In the background, a woman said, “Sean!  (Illinois Speaker of the House Mike Madigan) just sent a truckload of flyers.”  

“Wow.  That’s nice.  Considering I’ve never spoken or donated any money to him.  Let me take a look.  Wait a minute.  These are Kelly Mazeski flyers.”

“Mike included this card with the flyers.”

“Let me see.  ‘Roses are red/Violets are blue/Kelly was my candidate/Drop out of the race or I’ll—’ Woah!”

A receptionist for Roskam neither confirmed nor denied the story.  “I love the Bolingbrook Babbler.  I’ve been reading your stories since I was a kid.  Every week I recite the prayer that will save Bolingbrook.  I’ll tell Peter that you’re on Skype with me!”

The receptionist walked into a meeting room.  Roskam and eight other men were sitting around a table.

“I had a weird dream,” said one of the men.  “I dreamt that Sean Casten told me he was moving to Michigan but he would keep a house in our district so he could still be eligible to represent our district.”

Roskam slapped the table.  “That’s our next web ad.”

“But it was just a dream, congressman.”

“Was it a dream?  God can speak to us in our dreams, right? Maybe he decided to make you a prophet that will lead me to victory.”

“Wow!  I’ve felt God in Wheaton, but—but.”  The man started speaking in tongues.

“I wonder if anyone else on my staff has been blessed by our Lord and Savior.  You know you can’t be on my staff unless He’s touched you.”

The rest of the staff started speaking in tongues.

“I love having Wheaton in my district.”

Village of Bolingbrook executes anti-vaccination aliens (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The village of Bolingbrook executed 10 members of KukPu’K, an interstellar anti-vaccination terrorist group.

“We gave them a trial,” said Joan Armstrong, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs. “Then we executed them.  Why waste time on appeals?”  Armstrong added that village officials could have used the most painful form of execution, but didn’t.

KukPu’K has been convicted of genocide by the Interstellar Commonwealth’s court system.  Their members first spread anti-vaccination propaganda on a target world.  Once the inhabitants lose herd immunity to a deadly disease, KukPu’K operatives then unleash a very potent strain of the disease.  Members of KukPu’K defend their actions by saying they are not anti-vaccine, but “anti-stupidity.”  They feel that any species that rejects vaccination deserves to die.

Russian Internet trolls are suspected of working with KukPu’K operatives to spread anti-vaccination propaganda in Europe and the United States.  Anonymous sources say KukPu’K could be partly responsible for measles outbreaks in Europe and the United States.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar released a statement defending the execution of the terrorists two days after capturing them:  “I may have sold my soul to Donald Trump, but I will not sell out the unvaccinated babies who live in Bolingbrook.  I do have standards, no matter what my foes say.”

Claar’s statement also blamed the expedited sentencing on alien protesters who currently control Clow UFO Base:  “Because of the actions of a radical occupation force, the 109,298,291st Circuit Court relocated to the New World Order’s temporary and illegal base in Palatine.  With the court being inaccessible, we had a very limited window to process these dangerous criminals.  My foes will argue about due process.  The victims of KukPu’K and the anti-vaccination movement deserve due process too!  In this village, we know that vaccines don’t cause autism.  Even if they did, I will not let the irrational fear of autistic children endanger our residents!”

Bolingbrook United, the opposition party, released a statement condemning the execution.  “Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz is a member of the New World Order.  He could have work with the NWO to transfer the prisoners to the Interstellar Commonwealth authorities.  Show trials have no place in our village.  Due process is the vaccination against tyranny and one-party rule!”

Also in the Babbler:

Scientists:  Bolingbrook will be uninhabitable by the 23rd century
Residents demand an accounting of DuPage Township’s interstellar spending
Bolingbrook STEM Association denies building android assassin
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/31/18

Web Exclusive: Rep. Peter Roskam to ignite a ‘bonfire of pants’ on Facebook (Fiction)

Representative Peter Roskam’s campaign is undeterred by one of their Facebook ads getting a “Pants on Fire” rating by Politifact Illinois.

Picture of congressional candidate Sean Casten with a sports car in the background. The text says "Sean Casten drives a car! Peter Roskam runs. Paid for by Roskam for Congress"

A web ad allegedly produced by Rep. Peter Roskam’s campaign. 

“We’re going to lite a bonfire of burning pants on Facebook!” said a campaign staffer who asked to be called Bobby.  “We won’t stop there!  We’re already flooding the Internet with web ads!  We added a new Twitter account.  We’re going to say and show anything and everything to burn down Sean Casten!

“You’re supposed to say, ‘Sleazy Casten.’”  said another staffer.

“I thought that was next week?”

“Next week is ‘Cheating Casten.’  This weak is ‘Sleazy.’”

“What’s two weeks from now?”

“Car-driving Casten.”

Flush with money from political action committees and support from the Congressional Leadership Fund, the Roskam campaign is aggressively attacking Casten.  The Cook Report rates the race a tossup, and Bobby says they are working hard to change that.

“We gave Sean a big tax cut, and this is how he thanks Peter?  No, he deserves everything we’re going to throw at him.”

When asked if the campaign would be fact-checking their ads moving forward, Bobby replied: “(Rudy Giuliani) says the truth isn’t always true.  Are you going to argue with America’s Mayor?”

Charlene Spencer, an employee at Bolingbrook’s Barber’s Corner Media, says her company will be producing the next round of Facebook ads for the Roskam campaign.  She doubts any of the ads will get a “pants on fire” rating:  “I designed the ‘Casten kisses a married woman every night ad.’  I’m sure he does kiss his wife every night.  If people draw a different conclusion, then the problem is in how he presents himself—  Not with the ad itself.”

When asked about the “Casten spends time with two younger women” ad, Spencer replied, “His daughters are younger than him.  The most the media can do is ding me with a ‘mostly true’ rating.  It’s amazing what you can create when you don’t let ethics and morality get in the way.”

Roskam invited this reporter to his West Chicago office to discuss his “pants on fire” ranking.  He spent most of the interview decrying “fake news.”:

“As I said in our only debate, don’t believe everything you read.  I mean look at my pants.  Do they look burned?  Do you see any patches?  Do you see any repairs?  I did not set my pants on fire, and that is why the real residents of the Sixth District don’t believe the news. The fake news wants you to think that I am so unpopular, I have to attack Sean.  I don’t have to have to attack him.  I want to attack him on behalf of all the real residents of the Sixth District.”

A Congressional staff member opened his door:  “Holly just finished her question about health care.”

“Excuse me.  I have to deal with my teleconference town hall.”

Roskam picked up the phone and pressed a button:  “Thank you for sharing your story, Johanna.  I’m sure many people here were moved by your words.  Health care issues are the reason I love being a congressman, and I will keep writing legislation until Congress gets it right.  Thank you for taking the time to participate in this town hall.  I think we have another question.”

Roskam pressed a button and put down the headset.

“Now where were we?”

Village Board attends the first Bolingbrook’s Enlightened Discussion conference (Fiction)

Village Board members and selected guests attended the first Bolingbrook’s Enlightened Discussion conference, which was held during the Bolingbrook Jubilee.  Modeled after the popular T.E.D. conferences, the goal of B.E.D, according to promotional materials, is to promote “Real talk about real solutions for Bolingbrook’s real residents.”

Hosted at the Village Hall, attendees divided their time between speakers and the festival outside.

“I’ve never been to a conference that also had carnival rides,” Said John, a Bolingbrook business owner who asked that we not publish his last name.  “This is fun and enlightening.  That’s what makes Bolingbrook, Bolingbrook.”

One of the organizers, who asked not to be identified, said the conference, which has been in the planning stages since 2010, is important to the future of Bolingbrook:  “There’s a certain group of people who always complain about things, but never offer solutions.  At least we’re offering solutions.  Solutions that are so far outside the box, you can’t see the box from their location.”

Speaker Blake Walker Swain talked about changing the length of political office terms in Bolingbrook:  “We know one four year term is too short.  Bolingbrook has had too many one term or less mayors.  We know two terms aren’t long enough either.  Just look at Mayor Bob Bailey.  Everyone here knows that Bolingbrook functions best when we have a mayor that seems to have a limitless term.”

Swain proposed that Bolingbrook mayors should be elected to one 40 year term.  He also suggested that trustees should be appointed by the mayor to a ten-year term.  A mayor could then reappoint trustees at their discretion.

“The usual suspects won’t like this plan,” said Swain.  “But intellectually, we know this is a good plan.  It includes term limits, which one side wants, and it does away with mob rule, which is what Bolingbrook’s real residents want.”

Thomas Z. Miller proposed abolishing local taxes and fees and replacing them with an online fundraising page:  “It would be just like Patreon.  The more you donate each month, the more benefits you would receive.  Now the usual suspects would say this is corruption.  But I say its common sense, and I’m sure the thought leaders in the audience agree with me.”

Mayor Roger Claar and the trustees who are members of Claar’s Bolingbrook First party smiled and nodded during the speeches.

Near the end of the conference, Bolingbrook United trustee Robert Jaskiewicz said to Claar: “All I’m hearing are proposals.  When do we get to the discussion part?  I want to go over the problems with these ideas.”

 Claar reached into a cooler and pulled out a frozen Asian Carp.  He extended it towards Jaskiewicz.

“What are you doing?”  asked Jaskiewicz.

Claar pulled the fish back and examined it.  “It didn’t trigger Bob.  What am I doing wrong?”

Also in the Babbler:

Jaycees remove psychic from bingo tent
Residents upset over the lack of UFO rides at the Jubilee
Time traveler confused by cover bands performing at the Jubilee
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/22/18