By Reporter X
Aliens from across the galaxy flocked to Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base to celebrate the official reopening of its restaurants.
“It’s been a hard year,” said Clow Administrator and Mayor-elect Mary Alexander-Basta. “Outside of Clow, we’re still not out of the woods. The risk of unvaccinated humans getting infected is still high. Inside Clow, however, every staff member is vaccinated, and most of our visitors are either immune or vaccinated. So we can safely reopen everything! So let’s a take a moment to mourn the dead, then celebrate our survival!”
Festivities included a flyover by the Unidentified Ariel Phenomena team, a team of aliens who like to spy on the US military. While the team have attacked other less advanced civilizations, they insist they have no hostile intentions towards Earth.
“Sure we like to play ‘war games,’” said Goldst Postu, leader of the team. “But Earth is under the protection of the Interstellar Commonwealth, so all we can do is admire your primitive military. It would be fun to take on the US military. We love a good sporting war. If we don’t fight primitive militaries, they’ll attack each other. That’s bad for all the civilians on a planet. Too bad the Commonwealth doesn’t understand that. ”
One of the most popular places to reopen was the Weathertech Restaurant, where scraps from the Bolingbrook factory are transformed into culinary dishes. While all of the dishes are unfit for human consumption, it is a popular interstellar tourist attraction. For the reopening, visitors waiting in line received free Mat Soup served in edible cups.
Lozgolz , who traveled from across the Milky Galaxy for the reopening, said: “Weathertech’s plastic dishes are great. I wish humans could enjoy the taste of Weathertech instead of just using their plastic for containers and mats.”
Joshie Berger, owner of Worst to First and winner of the second season of Worst Cooks in America, had the loudest reopening celebration. Berger started by delivering a long winded rant to the first guests. He accused “feminists” and “Mother Nature” of trying to “cancel” him:
“I may have lost income and a guest rogue spot on the (Skeptics Guide to the Universe), but thanks to the Illuminati, I’m back and better than ever! But I’m not here to talk about the evil women who drove me out of the skeptical movement! I’m here to serve politically incorrect dishes, and deliver commentary that can’t be canceled!”
All the human guests complained about the “Gaslight Special” which included “Richard Carrier Bean Soup,” “Michael Shermer’s Grievance-free Cabbage Delight,” and “Ben Radford’s Ten Bean Delight.” Many complained about the smells from the dining area, but some complained about experiencing hallucinations.
Paula, who asked that her last name not be used, claimed she might have hallucinated: “I heard Richard Dawkins making transphobic remarks. When I complained to the waiter, he said Richard Dawkins wasn’t in the restaurant. Then Richard walked up to me and said he wasn’t there and if he was, I was misquoting him. I just paid my bill and went to the nearest oxygen bar to clear my head.”
On a video chat, a receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.
In the background, Alexander-Basta, Trustee Sheldon Watts, Trustee Michael Carpanzano, and covert social media operative Charlene Spencer were sitting in a conference room.
Alexander-Basta said: “Okay. Sheldon has agreed to stop calling me a ‘trustee-mayor abomination’ because I will be resigning my trustee position. I agreed not to taunt him for the next year and a half. Now, Charlene and Michael, I think it is time to set aside your differences and work together to promote Bolingbrook and stand against the Bolingbrook United insurrection. It’s time to reunite Team Yin and Yang. What do each of you think?”
Carpanzano replied: “While my opponent brags about being evil, has questionable ties to the Dark Web, and should be banned for life from the Internet, I will refuse to engage in personal attacks, and work for the good of the village.”
Spencer replied: “While my opponent owes his success to intellectual property theft, and does a horrible Pollyanna impersonation, I will use my unique connections to promote Bolingbrook and fight our common enemy.”
Carpanzano countered: “While I can work in the same room as my opponent, I will not give her the pleasure of hearing her lies.” Carpanzano pulled out a rubber carp and held it up to her face: “You are now carped.”
Spencer frowned and said: “While my opponent thinks he can ignore my truthful comments, I cannot be canceled.” She pulled out a rubber alligator gar from her purse and held it up to Carpanzano’s face: “I counter with my alligator gar!”
Alexander-Basta smiled. “This is a starting point.”
Also in the Babbler:
Roger Claar Party demands recount following fifth place finish
PZ Myers to open Bolingbrook restaurant that caters to spiders
Russia threatens to unleash April snow attack on Chicagoland
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/21/21
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.