Vandalism is still not acceptable in Bolingbrook or anywhere else (Non-fiction)

Last weekend, someone slashed three tires on Bolingbrook Village Trustee candidate Maripat Oliver’s car.  Her car was the only one attacked, despite other cars in the neighborhood being equally accessible.

Apparently, this needs to be said again:  Vandalizing a politician’s personal property is a form of intimidation, and it is not acceptable.  It was not acceptable when Mayor Roger Claar’s home was vandalized.  It is still not acceptable today.  Violence should play no part in a democratic election.  Even if it turns out to just be a random attack, it should be condemned by everyone who believes in free elections.  

I also hope that in light of this incident, The incumbent First Party for Bolingbrook will revaluate its passive-aggressive campaign rhetoric.  Constantly stating “we care” implies that the other candidates don’t care.  Posting that their candidates “aren’t planning to get involved, they are already involved,” implies that the other party’s candidates aren’t involved in community activities.  Even the name ‘First Party for Bolingbrook’ implies that the other party’s candidates aren’t for Bolingbrook.  It is a follow up to Mayor Roger Claar’s statement that the 2017 race was between “residents” and “foes.”  To be blunt, that is a form of othering.  It could have influenced someone to commit vandalism against a “foe” because they’re fighting for the “residents.”

All the candidates care about Bolingbrook.  All the candidates have relevant experience for the office they’re running for.  All of them deserve to be heard.  All of them are Bolingbrook residents.

It is one thing to criticize positions or state that you don’t like a candidate personally.  That’s part of campaigning for public office.  However, violence and vandalism should not be a part of political campaigns anywhere in the world.

Brexit to Hell: A Manchester Mumbler special report (Fiction)

From time to time, we like to feature stories from our sister publications around the world.  The following is from the Manchester Mumbler in the United Kingdom.  Though the United Kingdom’s exit from the European Union has been delayed until April, there are still issues that need to be addressed. This article has been translated into American English.

Enhanced photo of a UFO following the Brexit vote.

Is Prime Minister May planning an invasion of Ireland?

Some sources say Prime Minister Theresa May ordered the military to “reunite Ireland with the United Kingdom.”

“It’s the only sensible solution to the backstop problem in Northern Ireland,” said an anonymous source.  “No border means no backstop.  It’s the only solution that makes sense.  Sure, we’ll see the return of the IRA, more terrorism, and a long term military occupation.  That’s worth the price of keeping all of the United Kingdom out of the common market!”

Sheri Z. Williams, a greater Manchester resident, says she has proof the UK will invade Ireland after Brexit:

“My son is in the Royal Marines.  I saw him studying maps of Ireland.  I asked him what he was up to, and he wouldn’t tell me.  Maybe he’s going to be part of the invasion force?  If he is, I will be so proud of him.  We never should have signed the Good Friday Accords, or let Ireland go free.  That was the beginning of the end for the British Empire.  But with Brexit, the British Empire is coming back.  Today Ireland.  Tomorrow the so-called United States will be back with us.”

No one from the British Government would comment for this article.

An anonymous member of the Irish Government said she doubted the UK would invade:

“If they were going to invade, which I doubt they would, we would ask the European Defense Union to come to our aid.  After all, we are a part of Europe.  Then the UK would invoke Article 5 of the Nato treaty.  Do you honestly think the rest of Europe would attack itself for the sake of some power hungry British politicians?  Do you really think Trump would come to their aid?  You know how much he hates Article 5.  No, I think if the UK attacked us, we would win, and they would learn what it’s like to be occupied.”

Interstellar charities banned from providing post-Brexit relief aid to the UK
By Reporter Zed.

If Brexit leads to food shortages, interstellar charities will be barred from providing relief aid to the United Kingdom.

“All of our treaties were negotiated through the European Union,” Said Eliznat, a delegate from the Interstellar Commonwealth, to the interstellar media.  “That includes disaster relief.  Without a treaty, member civilizations of the Interstellar Commonwealth cannot make contact with any British residents.  Contact includes providing food.”

Eliznat also announced that all UFO Bases in the United Kingdom will be sealed off and all human employees will be evacuated.”

“As much as we enjoyed working with Richard Branson, and the staff of Virgin Interstellar, the bottom is that leaving the EU means resigning probationary membership in the Commonwealth.  Richard may be the most powerful man in your country, but we can only negotiate treaties with governments.  (Prime Minister Theresa May) hasn’t returned our messages.”

Maylog, a representative from Feeders Without Planets, called the Commonwealth’s decision “barbaric.”  She added:  “Nobody is saying that we need to de-cloak a freighter over London and reveal ourselves to humanity.  We just want to secretly drop supplies in front of every doorstep on the island.  That way the average British citizen doesn’t have to suffer the consequences of their government’s below average decision-making skills.”

Beth X. Burdett, a representative from Virgin Interstellar, said this decision confirmed Branson’s fears:  “Not only will people starve immediately after a no-deal Brexit, but those who survive will be denied access to the technological gifts our visitors provide humanity.  This will truly be a multi-generational disaster for the UK.  When this is over, the UK will be a fourth world country, and Richard will have no choice but to relocate to the Caribbean Islands.”

She also confirmed that Virgin Interstellar, which currently manages all the UFO Bases in the UK, would be shut down after a no-deal Brexit.

No one from the government would comment for this story.

Researchers say No-deal Brexit could harm ghosts and cryptids 

Ghosts could go deaf and the Loch Ness Monster could go extinct, according to the British Society of Paranormal and Zoological Researchers.

“People don’t understand how the European Union’s regulations protect Britain’s rich and unique paranormal ecosystem,” read the statement.  “If it weren’t for the EU, the Estes Method would have resulted in thousands of ghosts going deaf.  Without the EU’s Paranormal Ministry, who knows what kind of havoc amateur paranormal investigators would unleash on the spirit world?  We owe to our dead relatives to protect them from a no-deal Brexit.”

The statement also claims that a no-Deal Brexit will end efforts to revive the Loch Ness Monster:  “The creature is currently in a coma and is only being kept alive by scientists secretly working for the EU.  If they are denied access to Nessie, she will die, and we will never have the chance to take high definition photos of her.  This will be a loss to future generations everywhere.”

The statement also stated concerns about ghosts losing their privacy: “Current EU regulations require Spirit Boxes to sound like snippets of radio broadcasts randomly edited together.  At first, it sounds great to be able to hear the dead clearly.  But once they realize we can hear them, they will stop talking and stop haunting certain locations.  The economic impact on haunted hotels would be devastating.  Won’t the government please think of the ghosts and Cryptids that could be harmed?”

A spokesperson for the British government asked to never be contacted by the Mumbler again.

Fame “skeptical” ghost hunter Hayley Stevens told this reporter: “I was enjoying years of not being bothered by you blokes.  Why did you have to ruin it?”

Also in the Mumbler:

Human trafficking operation promised to send victims to ‘the magical village of Bolingbrook’
MP accuses aliens of abducting pro-Brexit marchers
Labour Party leader: Our Brexit will be less of a disaster than any Tory Brexit
God to smite Richard Dawkins on 29/3/19

Note: This is a work of fiction.

Editorial Board suggestions for Village Trustees (Alternative Parties): The Al Gore Party and The Zero Tax Party (Fiction)

We get it.  You don’t want to choose from among the three establishment political parties.  You don’t want to cast a write-in vote that will not be counted.  You want to make a statement.  You don’t want the tabulator to record that you didn’t vote for an approved candidate.  You want to make a statement to the tabulator before they record that you didn’t vote for an approved candidate.  We hear you.

So we would like to recommend these alternative political parties to write on your ballot.  You’ll make a statement, even if your vote won’t count.

For those of you who lean to the Right, we recommend voting for the Zero Tax Party.  We still haven’t figured out how “Zero taxes=Infinite revenue!” Maybe it’s based on the same economic principle that allowed the Bolingbrook Park District to lower their taxes and generate more revenue for the playgrounds?  We don’t know.

However, we do know that many of you don’t like to pay taxes, and reject the notion that taxes are the cost of maintaining civilization.  There’s no better way to tell the government that you hate paying for the police, fire department, and roads, than to vote for the Zero Tax Party.

For those of you on the Left, we recommend voting for the Al Gore Party.  They are right when they state that the climate that Bolingbrook expanded under is going away.  Bolingbrook will have to deal with periods of too much rain followed by too little rain.  Potential crop failures, refugees from the Southern United States, and more dangerous heat waves, will impact our community.

Now a village board under Bolingbrook United might be more receptive to an environmental message. Or, maybe Claar might act if enough residents demand action to deal with climate change:  But that wouldn’t be making a statement like writing “The Al Gore Party” on your ballot.

Politics in Bolingbrook can be messy— Especially when people from Edgar County insert themselves into it.  But why make compromises or risk the wrath of Claar when you can easily make a statement by voting for one of these two parties?

Also in the Babbler:

Editorial Board suggestion for Village Trustees (Mainstream Parties)
Claar vetos accepting Brexit refugees
Clow UFO Base announces the schedule for visiting Presidential candidates
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/22/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Editorial Board’s suggestion for Village Trustees (Mainstream Parties): Bolingbrook United (Fiction)

The 2019 race for village trustee is important because of its potential to shift power away from Mayor Roger Claar.  If First Party for Bolingbrook wins at least one seat, Claar’s allies will hold the board. If Bolingbrook United sweeps, they will take control of the board.  If Maripat Oliver (Bolingbrook First) wins, and Bolingbrook United takes two seats, the balance of power could rest with her.

All the trustee candidates care about Bolingbrook.  They’ve also served the community in one capacity or another.  All of them have relevant experience.

We recommend supporting Bolingbrook United’s Trustee slate this year.  We support their call to end “no bid” contracting and to allow more businesses the opportunity to provide services for the village.  We also agree that village employees should be collecting no more than one salary from the village.  While Bolingbrook isn’t on the verge of bankruptcy, the village can do more to get its large debt under control.  Residents don’t need to be “educated” about the debt. Bolingbrook needs leaders who will do something about the debt besides continually refinancing it.

Current Bolingbrook United Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz received a hostile reception from Claar’s trustees and had a few minor missteps at the beginning of his term.  Since then, we’ve been pleased with his work.  He’s worked with the other trustees, as signified by the relatively few no votes he’s cast.  We’re also impressed with his effort to give residents the option to have garbage toters.  Considering that Claar seems to regard toters as a liberal conspiracy, the fact that residents may soon be able to get their own toters is a testament to his work on the board. His use of social media to update residents about what happened at meetings is appreciated.  Sadly, many of his attempts to propose agenda items have been blocked by Claar.

We look forward to what he could do with more members of his party on the board.

Bolingbrook United may not have the First Party for Bolingbrook’s flashy marketing or Oliver’s local charm, but they do care about Bolingbrook enough to face off against the Claar political machine and to give residents a viable choice for the future.

Also in the Babbler:

Editorial Board suggestion for Village Trustees (Alternative Parties)
Claar vetos accepting Brexit refugees
Clow UFO Base announces the schedule for visiting Presidential candidates
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/22/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Aliens charged with dumping a whale carcass on the Bolingbrook Golf Club (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Three aliens were arrested and charged with dropping a blue whale carcass near the Sixth hole of the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

“Bolingbrook is not a dumping ground,” said Peter. Z. Louis, a prosecutor representing Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “I will do all that I can to dump this criminal crew in the darkest, coldest cell on Pluto!”

Matt, who asked that we not use his last name, said he witnessed the whale’s impact:

“I was waiting for my food when I saw this blob in the sky.  I left my coat at the table and ran outside to take a look.  Af first I thought it was one of those UFOs that I always hear about in Bolingbrook.  Then I realized it was a falling whale.  Well, let’s just say I will never think of the term, ‘Bolingbrook Bounce’ the same way again!”

The aliens pleaded not guilty and asked to be represented by Bolingbrook attorney Joe Giamanco.  The judge informed them that Giamanco was not licensed to practice interstellar law, and assigned an attorney for them.

“My clients were framed!” said Jenny Z. Guzman, the lawyer for the crew.  “I will prove in court that they were working under the direction of Mayor Roger Claar.  He wanted a whale meat buffet and asked my clients to deliver a dead whale to the golf club.  There was a slight misunderstanding, and that’s why the whale was delivered to the wrong location.  I will also not tolerate jokes about Improbability Drives!”

Guzman insisted the whale was dead when the aliens found it in the ocean.

The New World Order wants to question the crew members regarding a whale that was found in the Amazon. 

A receptionist for Mayor Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed:

“The Bolingbrook S.T.E.M. association just held a demonstration for us, and Michael Carpanzano was the MC.  Can you tell that Bolingbrook Politics lady that it was not a political event?”

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer,  said: “What were you thinking when you posted those pictures in Bolingbrook Politics?”

“I have no idea what you are talking about,” said a man who sounded like Carpanzano.

“That’s not what my Channer friends are telling me.”

“You trust your Chinese friends more than you trust me, whom people describe as a community leader?”

“The point is, if I can figure it out, others can figure it out.”

“You’re so negative Charlene, and we don’t do negative in Bolingbrook.  So let’s say I did post photos of myself at the Trump fundraiser in Bolingbrook using a fake account.  I would have done it to trigger the Bolingbrook United members and make them look bad— Thus ensuring victory for the First Party for Bolingbrook.”

“That’s brilliant!” said the woman.  “It’s such a brilliant idea that it looped into (ableist comment deleted)!”

“Don’t make me do it!”

“Hear me out Mr. I Promoted a Tax Increase as a Tax Cut.  Your plan might have worked in 2017, but that was before the criminal investigations of Trump.  The optics are terrible.  You look like a teenage fan of a corrupt politician, while Bolingbrook United gets to brag about canvassing neighborhoods with the Bolingbrook police union!  And you undermined our latest rebranding flyer.  Now Maripat can cry, ‘Boo Hoo!  That flyer crossing out the Bolingbrook First name was so mean, but what do you expect from a bunch of self-identified Trump Republicans?’”

“I don’t have time for your immaturity,” said the man. “You are carped!”

“I counter with my Alligator Gar!”

The man screamed in horror.

The woman continued: “Leave the fake accounts to me, and I’ll leave the virtue signaling to you.”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar campaigns on Venus for the First Party for Bolingbrook
Clow UFO Base unions endorse Bolingbrook United
Post-modernists of Bolingbrook endorse Bolingbrook First
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/13/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Web Exclusive: Palatine police arrest their first alien (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Months after the opening of Rob Sherman UFO Base, the Palatine Police Department arrested their first alien.  The department made the announcement during a press conference with members of the interstellar press:

“We know most of the aliens visiting Palatine are decent interstellar citizens,” Said Sheila Z. Blake, the head of the Interstellar Division.  “But today, we sent a message to the fallen stars.  If you break the law in Palatine, you will be arrested, and you will be turned over to the New World Order.  Oh, and the Bill of Rights does not apply to alien criminals.”

According to Blake, an unnamed alien was in the middle of breaking into a car when the owner spotted it.  The alien oozed into the car then drove it away.

Officer Sasha was the first to answer the call:  “I’d just finished our alien training session when my supervisor told me to arrest this alien.  I asked if it was a test.  She said there was no time for a test.  I was nervous, but I knew I had taken good notes.”

The police chased the alien around Palatine for about an hour before it crashed the car on Rand Rd.  It ran into the Foxfire Condominium complex, where officers finally cornered it.

“Even though my partner screwed up the taser net deployment,” said Sasha, “We were able to capture the alien alive.  When we asked him why he stole a car when he had access to more advanced spacecraft, he just asked for a lawyer.  I guess alleged criminals are the same across the galaxy.”

Blake said that the alien is in a “secure facility.”  She added that the division is looking for an alien, disguised as a man, who has been spotted knocking on people’s doors and looking inside their mailboxes.

“We hope this alien is just confused about local customs, but if not, we are ready to deal with it.”

During the conference, Palatine Mayor Jim Schwantz entered the room.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

Blake replied: “I am holding a press conference with members of the interstellar media, your honor.”

Schwantz laughed.  “You can’t fool a Fremd graduate.  You’re holding a costume party.”

“I can’t fool you, your honor.  Yes, we are celebrating Star Trek: Discovery’s renewal.  Everyone here is off duty, and you’ll see that I paid the rental fee for this room.”

“Carry on then.”

Schwantz left.  

“That was close,” said Sasha.

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Mayor Claar hires wereskunk security detail (Fiction)

Sources —who have friends with relatives that have a connection to village hall— say Mayor Roger Claar recently hired wereskunk bodyguards.

“Sure it might be overkill,” said one source.  “But really, you can never be too careful today.  Some liberal might walk up to Roger and demand healthcare or demand that Bolingbrook reduce CO2 emissions.  The police wouldn’t do anything to protect the mayor from a radical opinion, but a wereskunk in war-skunk form will.”

Mark X. Baggot, an Uber driver in San Fransisco, claims he gave a ride to Claar and two wereskunks:

“Your mayor said they were his friends, but they didn’t look like the people you would normally expect a mayor to hang out with.  One was snacking on dried flies.  The other one said I should keep my eye on the road or he would make my car stink.  At one point your mayor said, ‘You can’t trust certain people in uniform, but I can trust these guys.’  I asked what he was doing.  He said he was campaigning.  His guards laughed until he told them to shut up.”

A manager at Bolingbrook’s Mora Asian Kitchen claims one of Claar’s guards ripped off the lid of their dumpster and started eating the garbage.  According to her, Roger intervened:

“He said if we had served rice with his guard’s dish, he wouldn’t be so hungry.  I said we prefer quality over quantity.  This is the worst part.  He said that was fine for him, but not for his friend.  Then he told me to waive his cover fee for our late night dancing, and give him unlimited ramen.  If we didn’t Roger said he would ‘fairly’ judge our liquor license.  I don’t want to go into too much detail after that.  I can say that at least one wereskunk has some mean dance moves.”

An alleged wereskunk, who asked not to be named, confirmed that they are providing security for Claar.  She says they will receive a portion of the soon to be announced fee for garbage toters and lids for recycling containers.  She says part of the money will be used to buy food to leave out for the local skunks:

“Roger is a genius.  Those who hate paying fees will keep supplying our cousins with free meals.  Those who buy lids and toters will be paying us to help our cousins.  Roger has our backs, and it’s only fair that we should have his back.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy, and there was a line of people waiting to see him.

In the background, a woman who sounded like Charlene Spencer, a covert social media operative, said, “Here’s the script.  You just go to the Bolingbrook Politics page and type these in.  Then you are exempt from the township income tax for the rest of your life.”

A man replied:  “Freedom.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz said, “Charlene, you know that DuPage Township doesn’t have an income tax.”

The man replied, “Fake news.  Fake trustee.  Keep Bolingbrook great.  You’re triggered.  I win.”

A few moments later, Jaskiewicz said, “Charlene, we need to talk.  For years, Roger’s supporters have told us we should support our police department without question.  Now that the police union has endorsed Bolingbrook United, you’re directing his followers to question the residency of each officer. All the officers work here and live within 13 miles of Bolingbrook.  Why is it okay for Roger and his party to accept donations from out of state, but it’s not okay for Bolingbrook United to accept help from M.A.P.?”

“Because I’m playing the election game, Bob.”

“And?”

“And the card says ‘Moops.’”

Also in the Babbler:
Bolingbrook blocks human cannibalism restaurant
Weredeer arrested for polygamy
Developer proposes mile-high ‘Roger Claar Tower’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/7/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Bored billionaire to back Bolingbrook First party (Fiction)

A man who claims to be Bolingbrook’s only billionaire announced his plans to support the Bolingbrook First Party in the April 2 Village Trustee election.

This graphic could soon be featured on the Patriots for Maripat Oliver website.

“Two-party elections are simplistic and boring,” said Peter Z. Zinn.  “Three party elections are fun to watch.  Who doesn’t like to have fun?”

“Bolingbrook First” is one of two names Mayor Roger Claar has used for his political party, along with “First Party for Bolingbrook.”  For the 2019 election, Claar’s endorsed candidates are running as the First Party for Bolingbrook.  Maripat Oliver, however, was able to file as a candidate for Bolingbrook First, and her candidacy was not challenged.

Instead of donating directly to Bolingbrook First, Zinn will form several Super PACs to back Bolingbrook First.

“There’s a lot of work to be done, and it just would be faster if I did it on my own.  Maripat has done a great job getting to people on the ground with flyers and her Facebook page is fine.  However, she still needs help from an organization right now as her party is in disarray.  Only a person of means, like me, can do what needs to be done.”

Zinn unveiled designs for the websites for his Super PACS: “Citizens United to put Bolingbrook First,” “First Voters for Bolingbrook,” and “Patriots for Maripat.”  He said that together with Oliver’s website, residents will know that Bolingbrook First believes in fighting for residents, higher wage jobs, low taxes, more growth, fiscal responsibility, and garbage can reform.

Zinn also premiered two tv ads that he hopes to get on the air by late March.  The first ad starts with a montage of all the trustee candidates:

Voiceover:  Of all the people running for Bolingbrook Trustee, only one has stood up to the Edgar County activists attacking our village.

Video of a police officer approaching a man speaking at a DuPage Township meeting.  The man will not stop talking.

Oliver: He has gone way over time, and he’s being very disrespectful.

The man is removed from the meeting.  Dissolve to a video of a waving Bolingbrook Flag and an image of Oliver.

Voiceover: Any party can brag about being first.

Dissolve to the Bolingbrook First logo.

Voiceover:  Only one party puts Bolingbrook First.

The second ad starts with an older woman in her living room.

Woman:  I’ve lived in Bolingbrook for many years. I’ve seen many elections and spoken to many candidates.  This year, I’m voting for a party that knows Bolingbrook almost as well as I do.

Knock on the door.

Woman:  Who is that?

She opens the front door.  A younger female candidate speaks.

Candidate1:  Hi.  I’m with the First Party for Bolingbrook—

Woman:  First party for Bolingbrook?  You seriously think you’re the first party that’s for Bolingbrook?

Candidate1:  I—

Woman:  Bob Bailey was one of Bolingbrook’s founding fathers.  He served as mayor and would have served a second term if the Federal Government hadn’t driven him out of town.  Are you saying he wasn’t for Bolingbrook?

Candidate1:  No—

Woman:  Bob meant business.  You mean nothing to me.

Candidate1:  Oh yeah?  Well, I bet I have more homestead exemptions than you do!

Woman slams the door.

Anyway, I’m voting for the only party that really cares about Bolingbrook.

Knock on the door.

Woman:  Again?

She opens the door and sees another candidate at the door.

Candidate2:  I’m running for Village Trustee because I care.

Woman:  I know you.  You’re the trustee who didn’t care when wrong information was printed in the Village Directory.  If you didn’t care about that, why should I expect you to care about important issues like our debt or our overpriced water?

Woman slams the door.

Woman:  The party I’m endorsing cares about real people and has a history of—

Knock on the door.

Woman:  What now?

She opens the door and sees another candidate.

Candidate3:  I’m running for Village Trustee.  People describe me as—

Woman:  What are you, a walking resume statement?  No real person talks like that.

She slams the door on Candidate3.

Woman:  I’m voting for Bolingbrook First.

Dissolve to the logo.

Woman:  Because any party can say they’re first.  Only one party puts Bolingbrook First.

While Zinn says he hopes to make the race exciting, he added that he does have an issue with Claar: “When I heard about a bank closing a branch, I sent an application to the Planning Commission so I could use the space to open a restaurant that serves caviar tacos.  Roger called me and said that because I didn’t ask for his permission, he was going to deny my application.  Now there’s a hole in the ground where my restaurant could have been.”

All of Bolingbrook’s parties spokespersons refused to be interviewed for this story.

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens arrested for organizing a fake Bolingbrook United fundraiser on Jupiter
High winds blow Bolingbrook infant into Chicago
UFO lands on Palatine resident’s backyard by mistake
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/1/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Zombie skunks terrorize Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Despite reports of zombie skunks in Bolingbrook, the Department of Paranormal Affairs denies their existence.  

A cartoon skunk next to text that reads, "Snow, Bolingbrook's Skeptical Skunk, says Zombie Skunks are fake news! Learn more at www.bolingbrook.com."

Will the Village of Bolingbrook use this graphic to “debunk” zombie skunks?

“There’s no such thing as zombie skunks!” said an official who wished to remain anonymous.  “If zombies were real, we would have been overrun years ago.  This kind of reporting only incites panic.  If you see a very skinny skunk with unusually severe wounds, just run away from it and call animal control.”

Many residents disagree.  

Juanita, who asked that we not use her last name, claims she saw a zombie skunk in her backyard:  “It was really skinny, and had a blank look in its eyes.  It just shuffled towards the house.  I threw something at it.  That should have scared it off, but it kept moving towards the house.  So I pulled out my gun and shot it.  I know I hit it, but it kept going.  So I locked the doors, and my spouse and I debated whether we should lock ourselves in the basement, or shelter upstairs.  We never reached a decision.  The police arrived and the zombie skunk was gone.  The officer gave me a ticket for discharging a gun inside the village.  The zombie apocalypse has started, and the police are ticketing the residents!  No wonder police are useless in these situations!”

Pete, who also asked that we not use his last name, also spotted a zombie skunk:

“I saw a dead skunk next to my trash bags.  I felt bad at first, but as I was getting in my car, it stood up, and I saw that its eyes looked funny.  Then it started walking towards me.  That’s when I realized something was wrong.  No ordinary Bolingbrook skunk would ignore a bag of fresh garbage.  I think it wanted to eat me.  Fortunately, it was slow, and I drove away.”

Pete claims he later called Mayor Roger Claar about the sighting:  “Roger asked if I was supporting the First Party for Bolingbrook in the upcoming election.  I said I was going to vote for Bolingbrook First because I want to elect a party that puts Bolingbrook first.  He said I gave the wrong answer and hung up.  I used to wonder why the governments collapsed in every zombie movie.  Now I understand.”

Pete urged all Bolingbrook residents to stock up on food and ammunition.  He also suggested shooting any skunk in the head, “just to be safe.”

An anonymous employee at Animal Control denied the incident happened and denied the existence of zombie skunks:

“I am aware of the zombie deer disease. It doesn’t turn deer into zombies.  It just makes them waste away and eventually die.  My best advice is not to eat the meat of a deer that was acting strange or looked sick before it was killed.  We do have a few cases in Will County, so be careful out there.”

The employee also urged residents not to kill any skunks without a proper license from the village.

Claar could not be reached for comment, but Michael Carpanzano, a Village Trustee candidate for Claar’s First Party for Bolingbrook, denied the existence of zombie skunks:

“Your stories are stupid and do nothing to help our community.  You should write about how all of our candidates are the only ones canvasing neighborhoods today because we care.”

Bolingbrook United’s Park District Park District candidate Saud Gazanfer walked up to Carpanzano:  “We’re out canvassing today because we also care about Bolingbrook.”

Carpanzano pulled a rubber carp out of his pocket and held it in Gazanfer’s direction:

“As I was saying, I don’t see any of the other parties outside today.”

Also in the Babbler:

The Babbler remembers the victims of the Aurora shooting
Aliens deny attacking PZ Myers
Bolingbrook considers importing rock salt from Europa
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/20/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Web Exclusive: Atheist missionaries invade DuPage Township (Fiction)

Paula (real name withheld), an 80-year-old Romeoville resident, was surprised when the doorbell rang.  As she approached the door, she heard the sounds of people shoveling snow.  When she opened the door, a man wearing a white coat with a red “A” sticker greeted her:

Hello!  My name is John.  There is no God and there’s no cost for us to shovel this snow for you.”

The man then handed her a copy of the book, Letter to a Christian Nation.

“I appreciated the hard work they did,” said Paula.  “I didn’t appreciate that book!  Just because I believe in God does not mean I want to murder atheists.”

John is one of many atheist missionaries descending upon DuPage Township this month.  The missionaries interviewed say they are on a humanitarian mission to “help the innocent victims of strife caused by the civil war here.”  All of them said that they intended to provide services that the Township could no longer provide. Services could be suspended due to the recent resignation of the supervisor, and the trustee’s inability to work together.

“These poor people are suffering at the hands of religious fanatics,” said Elenor, a missionary who refused to give her last name.  “I thought about going to the Third World to debunk Christianity, but after I heard about this terrible civil war, I had to help out.”

None of the missionaries would name the organization sponsoring their mission. However, some anonymous sources believe that controversial atheist thought leaders Sam Harris and Richard Carrier are secretly funding them.

Leo, a missionary from the UK, said he was appalled by conditions he saw in Bolingbrook.  “There are so many religious factions in such a small space.  I understand how the government collapsed here.  I hope that in telling people that religion is fake news, we can light a new candle of enlightenment in Bolingbrook.  Or at least get most people here to question the existence of Jesus.”

Elenor added, “Do you know that the township owns cemeteries, and likes to take senior citizens on so-called trips?  I hope our vacation, I mean mission, will end the atrocities.”

Blake Z. Newton, a resident of Bolingbrook, appreciated the free food he received from the missionaries.  “I asked them where they got the food, and they said they shipped it from Canada.  Don’t get me wrong.  I liked what they did, but they could have helped the local economy by buying food in the local stores.  I also could have done without the live reading of Richard Dawkins’s tweets.  I don’t think Islam is as bad as he says it is.”

Leo said his lack of faith deepened when he met a “local thought leader.”

“This man kept going on and on about all the great things happening around here.  I tried to be nice and say that he was brave for spreading propaganda in the midsts of all the chaos here.  Do you know what he did?  He called me an ‘unapproved outsider’ then stuck a rubber fish in my face.  I told him to read God is not Great, but he ignored me.  If he wants to waste his only life, I won’t stop him.”

The missionaries didn’t say how long they will stay in DuPage Township.

An anonymous township employee said she was not aware of any missionaries operating within DuPage Township:

“I haven’t seen them.  Honestly, I’m so worried about missing a paycheck that I haven’t seen much lately.  I hope the trustees will get their act together and vote for a new Supervisor.  Then he or she can sign my paycheck.”

In the background, a man who sounded like DuPage Township Trustee Ken Burgess said, “Okay!  There are no holidays this Friday.  We have a legal agenda, and everyone can make the meeting.  There’s no reason we can’t have our special meeting, right?”

A woman who sounded like Trustee Alyssia Benford chuckled:  “I won’t know until Friday morning.  You never know what law might crop up then.”

“We can’t keep allowing those dogs to dictate the law to us!  You there.  You’re a lawyer.  

There’s no legal reason why we can’t hold a meeting on Friday.  Right?”

“I don’t think there is, but I left my township law books at home.  You should really ask me a question about real estate law.  I know that like the back of my hand.”

“Is there anyone in this building that is familiar with the laws governing townships?

No one replied.

Note:  This is a work of fiction.