Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook’s covert budget posted on village website (Fiction)

For the first time, Bolingbrook’s covert budget is posted on the village’s website.  It is encoded within the seemingly blank pages of next fiscal year’s public budget.

“I don’t care if a village staffer messed up, or someone from the Chamber of Commerce screwed up, or an Illuminati chaosmatician decided to have some fun,” said Village Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, during a secret meeting of the village board. As a member of the opposition Bolingbrook United party, Jaskiewicz demanded the removal of the file.  “The fact is, we have a budget on our web page that is classified as beyond top secret, and anyone with the right equipment can read it.  Don’t any of you realize that there are secret societies that are hostile towards Bolingbrook?  I hope my colleagues will pull the covert budget from the web page, and not waste any time trying to spin this debacle against me.”

“Oh we will find a way to blame you, Bob,” said Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler, a member of the ruling Bolingbrook First party.  “We just need to take a few weeks to scrutinize every Facebook post you’ve ever written.”

Mayor Roger Claar said there was nothing to worry about:  “The average resident won’t even download the file.  Most of the people who will bother to download it, like Mrs. Giamanco—”

“Jaime Olson.”

“Whatever!  The point is, she and her fellow foes won’t be able to read the covert budget.  If I find out that anyone can read it, they will get a special visit from the Men in Blue.”

Claar then scolded Jaskiewicz: “Once again, you are bringing up a problem in a meeting, and making my staff look bad.”

“I must be the only one who notices when things go wrong,” stated Jaskiewicz. He then turned towards the other trustees and said: “Did any of you notice that our secret budget is on the Internet?”

The trustees shrugged.

“Damn it, Bob,” said Claar.  “Now you’re making my trustees look bad.  If you noticed a problem, why didn’t you do something about it.”

“I just found out about it an hour ago,” Jaskiewicz replied.  “I left messages with the village attorney and you.”

“Bob!  You are supposed to fill out Form 3798i, perform the Illuminati Rite of Correction, then hand it to the Grand Scribe in Harvey.”

“You never told me that, and you know I can’t go to the Illuminati because I’m a member of the New World Order.”

“This is why opposition trustees should be banned in Bolingbrook.  Only Bolingbrook First members get the full orientation.”

The covert budget is still online.  Experts contacted by the Babbler have partially decoded it.  Notable items include:

  • Clow UFO Base is still expected to show a profit, despite a decline in traffic.  The village plans to save money by no longer buying display ads on the far side of the moon.
  • Bolingbrook will increase spending on anti-ghost training and equipment by 20 percent.
  • The WeatherTech Restaurant at Clow UFO Base will expand and still pay no rent.  “The restaurant may contribute monetarily to the Base, but it does provide a value-added service that makes Clow one of the most attractive bases on Earth.  It also allows WeatherTech to profit off of its plastic scraps.”

From the Webmaster: Trav Mamone ask a good question about skeptical communities (Mixed)

Fellow Freethought Blogger Trav Mamone asks a good question over at The Establishment: Why are Secular Skeptic Communities Failing to Address Sexual Crime?

What is most troubling about the Krauss story is how many in the atheist movement knew about his reputation before the BuzzFeed article came out, including this writer. If secular communities want to provide a better alternative to religious institutions, why didn’t anyone confront Krauss sooner? Why are Shermer and Carrier still given a platform despite having similar accusations to those levied against Krauss?

We’re wondering about this as well. Trav has some good ideas, but we have a feeling they wouldn’t agree with some of our thoughts on the matter.

Bolingbrook’s Art Bell Party demands answers (Fiction)

Ten members of Bolingbrook’s Art Bell Party picketed in front of Clow Airport to demand an investigation into the death of radio host Art Bell. 

“We’re just asking questions,” said Art Bell party leader Michael Faith.  “Like, will (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) create a panel to verify no resident was involved in Art’s death?  For that matter, where was Roger yesterday?  Can he account for his whereabouts at the time of Art’s death? We want to know, and we think that every true Bolingbrook resident wants to know, too.”

Bell, who started the paranormal-themed radio show  Coast to Coast in 1988, died 4/13/18 at his home in Pahrump, NV.  At its peak, Coast to Coast was syndicated on 500 radio stations and had 15 million listeners.  In 1996, Bell was the first to report Chuck Shramek’s claim that a UFO was following Comet Hale-Bopp. Though stories about the alleged UFO may have inspired the Heaven’s Gate cult to commit mass suicide, Bell denied any responsibility for the incident.

“Art Bell taught us to not accept the official truth,” said Faith.  “So many other residents believe Bolingbrook is an average suburb, and Clow is only an airport.  There still are residents who laugh when I tell them Clow Airport is just a cover for a UFO Base.  Art opened our minds to the truth, and the Babbler told us the truth.”

Jane Z. Cantor, who will be running for Village trustee in 2019, believes there are too many coincidences surrounding Bell’s death:  “Why are we just now debating garbage toters?  Why was American Atheist president David Silverman fired before Art’s death?  Why were atheists holding a convention after Art’s death?  Why is there suddenly interest in organizing Bolingbrook Gay Pride events?  We want answers, and we’re going to keep asking until we hear what sounds like the truth!”

Faith believes Bell was about to make a major announcement about Bolingbrook:  “Could it be that Art was going to announce Clow UFO Base? Could the announcement have involved a scandal?  Could it be that someone in the village didn’t want that information to come out?  We need to know the facts, and there cannot be even a hint of doubt about the innocence of any village employee or official.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar,  said: “So Charlene, how is purging the Bolingbrook Friends page going to help me?  It’s supposed to be a friendly page about Bolingbrook.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Roger.  You don’t understand the full power of this group.  I’m going to show you with this post.  Let me borrow your account.”

“Let me see.  Wait.  My daughter has epidermis?  Of course, she has skin.”

“I just posted it.  Now refresh your browser.”

“Wow!  Look at all these thoughts and prayers!”

“Exactly.  It’s not a matter of having a Facebook Page with the most members.  It’s about having a Facebook page with the right members.”

“I see.  Well, I’d better delete this post before my daughter reads it.”

Also in the Babbler:

Sources say PZ Myers really loves his cat
Syrians agents set off stink bombs in Chicago
Russian weather attack fails to stop OrbitCon
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/18/18

I’m going to OrbitCon! (Non-fiction)

OrbitCon, an online conference similar to the old FTBcons, is this weekend, and I’m going to be on the Steven Pinker panel with HJ Hornbeck.  I’ve spoken at Skepticamps in Chicago before, but this will be my first online panel.

Is the invisible hand of civilization guiding us to a better future?  Find out what we think on Saturday, April 14 from 7 p.m to 8 p.m. CDT.

The conference itself runs from April 13 to April 15, and the schedule of panels and speakers is here.  Recordings will also be available on YouTube.

I hope to see some of you there.

Steven Pinker fails to inspire the New World Order (Fiction)

Professor Steven Pinker failed to inspire attendees at a New World Order symposium that was held at the Sheraton Lisle.

“We’re not going to win the war with the Illuminati if our leaders think Steven Pinker is an inspirational leader,” said Thomas Xavier, NWO Administrator for Illinois.

During his speech, Pinker decried the “negativism” within the New World Order.  “Whenever I talk to people, I always hear negative anecdotes. Those stories, circulated by social justice warriors, are hurting morale.  Let’s look at what science and statistics say.”

As an example, Pinker said that the New World Order controlled zero percent of the UFO Bases in 1928.  Today, the New World order controls 40 percent of the UFO bases around the world.

A member of the audience protested that from 1986 to 2016, the New World Order controlled all the UFO bases in the world.

“You’re looking at the wrong time frame,” Pinker replied.  “We didn’t control any UFO bases in 1928 and today we control UFO bases.  That’s progress, and we should celebrate that instead of worrying about the UFO bases we no longer have.”

“But we’re still losing UFO bases!”

“But the general trend is an increase in UFO bases from 1928 until the present.”

“But the New World Order wasn’t formally organized until 1971, and we only became independent from the Illuminati in 1986. We had nothing to do with the first human managed UFO bases.”

“My point still stands,” Pinker concluded.

Pinker also noted the decline in the mortality rate during the war with the Illuminati.  “You are now less likely to die fighting the Illuminati than you were just two years ago.”

“But we’re still fighting,” another audience member protested.  “And our casualty rates are still high.”

“But the mortality rate is decreasing, and we should be celebrating that instead of focusing on negative statistics.”

“But before 2016, there was no fighting at all.”

“My point still stands.  Incidentally, I’m not going to let our minor conflict or all the wars the United States is involved in, stop me from saying that we are living in an era of long peace!  Why aren’t the hippies celebrating?”

While many were disappointed in Pinker’s speech, morale did improve later in the symposium.  During a cover band’s performance of Ministry’s “New World Order,” noted skeptic Cara Santa Maria danced onto the stage then started speaking.  “Let’s be honest.  This is a dark time for the NWO.  We’re losing ground, and the beautiful world we were creating now looks like a mosh pit.  A mosh pit filled with Illuminati drones.  They look scary, but do you know what is even scarier?  A world without the NWO, that’s what.  A world without vaccines.  A world without peace and stability.  A world without science and reason.  A world overrun with religion and woo.  Do you want that world?  Because I don’t want to live in that world.  Now when I look out at the global mosh pit, I don’t see the scary Illuminati.  I see a pit filled with frat boys.  Frat boys who think they’re tough, but have never been in a real mosh pit.  They look tall and strong but give them one good hit, and they’ll crumble.  Look at me.  I’m not strong.  I’m not tough, but I’m willing to dive into the pit because I believe in the NWO, and science has taught me the best places to hit them.  If I’m willing to jump into the pit, there’s no excuse not to join me.  If we all jump into the global mosh pit, we will drive out the Illuminati because they are corporate rock, and we are alternative rock.  Novus ordo seclorum!”

Maria dove off the stage and into the crowd.  Hundreds of NWO operatives started moshing and throwing chairs.  There were no serious injuries, but several suffered minor cuts and bruises.  No one could provide an estimate for the damages caused to the convention room.

After the symposium, Bob Novella, co-host of the Skeptics Guide to the Universe, offered his thoughts:  “Steven’s speech was a letdown, but that performance by Cara got me fired up.  I’m ready to go back to the SGU and fight even harder for the New World Order.”

Also in the Babbler:

Village official purges Facebook page
RationalWiki: We will never mention the Babbler!
Residents report zombie skunk sightings
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/11/18

Illuminati honors Qanon at the Bolingbrook Golf Club (Fiction)

The Illuminati honored Qanon for her controversial conspiracy theory Internet posts.  The secret ceremony was held at the Bolingbrook Golf Club:.

“Qanon’s work is inspiring Trump’s supporters around the world,” said Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  “Instead of believing Trump is helping the Illuminati create global chaos, many now believe Trump is the mastermind behind an elaborate plan to bring down the deep state.  Instead of believing that Robert Mueller is investigating our President, many Internet thought leaders now believe Robert is really working for Trump.  Join me in welcoming and honoring Qanon. Ford!”

After Claar finished performing the glowing orb ceremony, Claar presented Qanon with the Adam Weishaupt Award for Excellence.  Qanon wiped away her tears before starting her acceptance speech: “Before I shoved my father into the HARP chamber, he said I would never amount to anything.  Dad, if you can see me from Hell, I want to say this: You suck!”

Qanon described her assent from the Illuminati scribe pool to a low-level Internet seer.  She admitted that she wasn’t satisfied with her career, but then her mentor gave her a special assignment:  “He tasked me with creating a post that would fool Trump supporters into thinking Donald was a political mastermind.  He explained that his high seers couldn’t get very far without suffering from uncontrollable laughing fits.  I figured I had nothing to lose, so I agreed to help.”

She then explained how she created the first few posts: “I decided to use one of the oldest tricks in the book.  I just took pieces of various conspiracy theories, padded a few random facts, and threw in a photo every so often.  I hinted that Trump was a mastermind, and I implied that the truth would be revealed to the world any minute now.  Then, I let their imaginations run wild.  It worked better than I thought.”

According to Qanon, her posts on 4chan have spread to Reddit and Twitter.  She claims that there are over 92,000 YouTube videos about her work, PZ Myers hates her, and InfoWars editor Jerome Corsi writes about her posts. She stated:

“When Roseanne featured my work in one of her tweets, I knew that I had made it.”

Qanon does not expect her Internet notoriety to end any time soon.  “No one wants to think of themselves as an average Internet user.  They want to see themselves as geniuses.  They think they see the Matrix.  They think they’re special.  The Illuminati can and will use that to their advantage.  We can make a transgender allegory seem like an affirmation of ridged gender identity.  We can make administrative entropy seem normal, and we can make Donald Trump look like a competent President. Together we will tear down the New World Order, destroy International cooperation, and conquer the human race.  Fnord!”

After leading the audience in a chant of “Fnord,” Claar asked if Qanon could help with his political troubles.  She replied that she could and asked Claar for a list of nouns and adjectives.  After typing for a few seconds, she read a draft of a post:

What do they really mean by ‘Toters?’ Who is RJ working for?  JT?  467.  Is there only one Bob?  Where is Bonnie?  Learn Monopoly.  You are not stupid. RC fighting CCD.  Victory is near.  Guns will be coming back to Bolingbrook.  Line not secure.  Must go.  Think Raiders.  The Legend of Billie Jean.  Roger means business.  Business is good.

“Interesting,” replied Claar.

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar accused of planting anti-toter aliens at garbage forum
Aliens praised for shooting down rouge Chinese space station
Gay aliens demand Bolingbrook host a pride parade
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/5/18

Geese protests continue to annoy Bolingbrook residents (Fiction)

Many Bolingbrook residents are annoyed by noisy, radical geese encampments in the village.

“I can’t sleep because of all their honking!” said Brenda, who did not provide her last name.  “If they’re not going to respect me, I won’t respect them!”

Mona, a Bolingbrook psychic, says the gaggle is made up of radical geese who are protesting suburban development.  “To them, Bolingbrook is a symbol of human colonization and exploitation of the Earth.  In their eyes, we take up too much space and are destroying their nesting sites.  Some are mad that their old nesting grounds have been replaced with townhomes, strip malls, and an overpriced golf club.  They’ve had enough, and they’re drawing the line in Bolingbrook.”

An anonymous source claims to have seen a gaggle harass Mayor Roger Claar.  “He was walking towards Village Hall when they accosted him.  They kept honking at him, and he kept shouting: ‘I don’t understand any of you.  Go away!’  When he got to the front door, he turned around and said: ‘Until you can either vote for me or donate to my campaign fund, I won’t listen to you.’  Then they marched on his patio for a few minutes before flying off.”

James, another resident who did not provide a last name, said he sympathized with the protesting geese. “We feed them food that’s bad for them, like bread and popcorn.  It not only discourages them from migrating, but it gives them malnutrition.  Then, as we grow the suburbs, we start taking away their homes.  They have a right to be mad at us.”

Instead of trying to kill geese, James urges Bolingbrook residents to stop feeding geese, and for Village Hall to preserve the remaining green spaces in Bolingbrook.  He also called for more “sustainable development.”

“Bolingbrook is so spread out that you pretty much have to have a car to get anywhere.  We should focus on building more sidewalks and bike lanes, as well as more pedestrian-friendly subdivisions.  These would help reduce our carbon footprints and make Bolingbrook a friendlier place to live.  Sure Bolingbrook is great, but if we don’t adapt, things will get worse.  We should always be trying to improve.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was taking an urgent phone call and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “So Dana, you don’t like the letter I sent to the governor. You’re going to do what?  Good luck with that.  The NRA’s money is poison, and its getting its (expletive deleted) handed to it by teenagers.  So no, I won’t allow the sale of AR-15 assault rifles across the street from Bolingbrook High School. And I stand by my call for discussion and action to raise the legal age of gun ownership to 21; ban bump stocks and high capacity magazines; toughen background checks, and increase the waiting period for all firearms.  Do my job?  I am doing my job.  My job is to protect Bolingbrook.  Your job is to sell more guns by creating an atmosphere of fear and anger.  I’m not going to help you do your job!”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens peacefully protest gun violence
Village warns residents not to shoot the Easter Bunny
Moses spotted in Schraeder Park
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/28/18

From the Webmaster: Help make the Secular Women Work conference a reality (Mixed)

By Wendy Onofrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

Secular Women Work conference organizers need your help to make their 2018 conference a reality:

The Secular Women Work conference is a celebration of the work of female activists who create and run projects and communities in the secular movement. And there is no better way to honor their work than by using their expertise to help us all become better activists.

At Secular Women Work, you will find workshops: both hands-on exercises to develop your skills and facilitated group discussions where you can share challenges and solutions with other activists. You will find panels on specialist topics, with panelists who can help you broaden the horizons of your activism. And when you’re ready for a rest, you’ll find speakers who will entertain and inspire you with stories and lessons from their own work. In between it all, you’ll find a conference full of other activists who want to make a difference in the world.

They have five days left to reach their goal of $13,000, and they’re over halfway there.  If they reach their goal, the conference will be held August 24 through August 26 in Minneapolis.

I’ve already donated, and I encourage others to join me.

Web Exclusive: Russian agents spotted at Will County polling sites (Fiction)

Multiple anonymous sources claim to have seen Russian operatives near many Will County voting locations.

Election Judge “Beth,” (real name withheld), said she was approached by Russian operatives the night before the election.  That night, two men approached her holding stacks of ballots.  The men claimed that they were Will County Ballots printed on “DuPage County quality paper.”  When she refused, the men told her that, “DuPage is the best rich county in Illinois.  Rich people always get the best ballots.  You want the best ballot paper from the best county.  You don’t want bad ballot paper from bad Will County.”

“I told them to leave before I called the police,” said Beth.  “I think I used language not fit for your publication.”

An anonymous election observer in Bolingbrook, who asked to be called Doug, said he spotted Russian operatives in Bolingbrook.  According to him, the election judges summoned Village Clerk Carol Penning.  The men, according to Doug, said that that they were fans of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar — “Except they pronounced his last name, ‘Clarr,’ so I knew something was up.”

When the men offered Penning the ballots, she replied that it was against the law for her to accept them, and even if she did, the type of paper used couldn’t be read by the county’s optical readers. Penning said they were friends of Bolingbrook, then offered the men membership in the Bolingbrook Friends Facebook group.  The men said they would consider her offer, then left.  The source claimed that Penning then turned towards the judge, smiled and pointed at her “What Would Roger Do?” bracelet.

On election day, DuPage County’s scanners couldn’t be shut down.  Initial reports suggested a problem with the paper stock used for the ballots.  When this reporter visited a polling site in Naperville, an official, who wished to remain anonymous, insisted the problem had nothing to do with the Russians.

“You’re funny.  Seriously, the problem is we can’t remove the memory card until we scan an ender page into the machine, and our ender page is too thick to fit.  We didn’t have this problem during the testing phase, so I don’t know what happened.  All the sites in DuPage County are having this problem.  So we’re going to have to bring our machines to Wheaton to have the memory cards removed.  All the close races will have to be resolved tomorrow.  It looks bad, I know, but merging the DuPage Election Commission with the County Clerk’s Office is not the answer!”

An election judge then walked up to the voting machine.  “Why are you doing this to us!” she asked.  “We’re Naperville.  We have a reputation to uphold.”  She started kicking the machine.  “Malfunctioning voting machines are not part of that reputation!”

Wereskunks promise not to disrupt Bolingbrook’s garbage forum (Fiction)

Bolingbrook’s wereskunks promised not to disrupt the public forum on garbage collection to be held on March, 26 at 6 PM at the Bolingbrook Community Center.

“Mayor Claar has assured us that we will be safe at this forum,” said Jacob Z. Porter, president of the Bolingbrook Wereskunk Service Organization. In return, we promised not to release a defensive scent whenever someone threatens our cousins.”

Porter said that their members hope to address many misunderstandings that residents have about skunks.

“Our cousins eat almost anything.  They help reduce the number of bugs in Bolingbrook.  Humans hate bugs, right?  They’re also the first line of defense against vicious bees.  Never been attacked by a swarm of bees?  Thank our cousins.  When the killer bees come to Bolingbrook, our cousin will protect you.  Will Bolingbrook protect our cousins?”

Doug, who refused to give his last name, called the proposed garbage toters an act of “genocide” against Bolingbrook’s skunk population.  “Garbage toters deprive our cousins of food.  Residents would rather waste food than give their scraps to our hungry cousins.  Village Hall will spend money to attract more restaurants to Bolingbrook, but when our cousins are hungry, (Mayor Roger Claar) says he hopes they freeze to death over the winter.  After all, wereskunks have done for Bolingbrook, this is how your government thanks to our cousins.  We will not descend into the mud with Roger, but we will respond to the village’s hatred towards us.”

Matt X. Larson, a member of Bolingbrook Residents Against Animal Air Polluters, said he was glad the wereskunks will have a peaceful presence at the meeting, but he said his group still supports garbage toters:  “They tear open our garbage bags, spread litter on our yards, and stink up our neighborhoods.  I can’t wait to tell these wereskunks that garbage toters are as American as apple pie and assault rifles!  Don’t ask me what I think about Roger.”

Doug disagreed:  “What residents call littering, we call artistic expression.  If the village had smart leadership, they would take pictures of our cousins’ works and sell them on the art market.  The village would have a budget surplus in no time.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was mentoring someone and could not be disturbed.  She added, “I think its great that you are promoting this important public meeting.  We have some great toter prototypes to show our residents.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Okay, Charlene, you’ll be on press release duty Tuesday.  I’m giving you a pop quiz.”

“I’m ready.”

“The race between Bruce Rauner and Jeanne Ives is too close to call.”

“It is now up to God to decide who will represent the Republican party in the general election.  Whomever God decides on, our party must come together to fight the Chicago Democratic Machine and their extremist candidate for governor.”

“Bruce Rauner wins in a landslide.”

“Four years ago, the voters decided that Illinois should be run like a business and elected Bruce Rauner.  The Cook County Democrats in the state house are still acting like politicians.  It’s time for all God-fearing Illinoisans to come together to help our boss fire those slackers and make our state profitable.”

“Jeanne Ives wins in a landslide.”

“As a supporter of an organization inspired by God, and as a natural-born citizen, a married father, and someone who goes to church almost every Sunday, I know the power of miracles.  Tonight’s victory was a miraculous event.  Today, my faith in God is stronger than ever.  I hope all Illinois residents will come together and vote for His chosen candidate.”

“Close enough.”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens finally allowed to visit Beggars Pizza in Bolingbrook
UFO crew refuses to place Jeanne Ives sign on craft
Claar decides to ban anti-matter bombs without consulting trustees
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/21/18