We Get Letters — Democracy is on the ballot. Again (Fiction)

The Bolingbrook Babbler's Decision 2022 Special Report

Will 2022 be Bolingbrook’s last free election?

By Doug Fields

Reader’s Editor

Somehow, we are once again facing the most important election of our lives. Do we value low gas prices more than our democratic republic? Based on our letters, it’s going to be a close race.

First, let me point out that we received too many letters like this:

To the editor:

Inflation is out of control. Every night, Fox News shows our cities on fire. People who aren’t like me exist! Our country is moving in the wrong direction!

Meanwhile (Democrat Party candidate), supports the Green New Deal, defunding the police, high prices, and persecuting President Trump!

I’m voting for (Republican Party candidate) because the only way we’re going to beat inflation is to investigate Hunter Biden, impeach President Biden, build Trump’s Wall, and make fake Americans suffer!

(Insert Name here)
(Insert City)

And like this:

To the editor:

I hate President Biden, but I love (Democratic candidate). (Pronoun) brought jobs to our district and (Pronoun) will support your right to choose. (Pronoun) voted to fund our police departments. (Pronoun) believes elections count! (Pronoun) supports Israel!

Did I mention (Democratic candidate) voted to fund the police and is 100% pro-choice?

Vote for (Democratic candidate) if you worked hard for your Social Security and Medicare benefits!

(Insert name here)
(Insert City)

You’re not an average Patch reader. You’re a Babbler reader. Show it in your letters! Like this reader did:

To the editor:

State Representative Chris Bos says he’s tough on crime, but he supports criminals buying their way out of jail! Did it not occur to him that international drug cartels, gangs, human trafficking rings, and rich parents can afford to buy their freedom? Maybe they’re Bos’ Bosses?

That’s why I’m supporting Palatine native Nabeela Syed. She has the courage to stand up to the rich criminals of Cook County. She also believes in sensible law enforcement. Supporting the right to choose means our overworked police departments won’t be burdened with investigating miscarriages or questioning residents about their period tracker reports.

Bos’ whining won’t solve our problems. We need someone who will make non-alcoholic wine! Vote Syed!

Stephanie Zimmerman
Palatine, IL

Illinois Democratic Party, hire her to handle your messaging!

We think somebody sent this letter out a bit early.

To the Editor:

Thanks to the Cook County Democrats, Will County Clark Lauren Staley Ferry has stolen Antonio Timothee’s seat on the Will County Board! We need to find the ___ she stole before it’s too late!

Timothee and I are going to visit every home and ask who they voted for. We’ll be armed and willing to shoot any Antifa terrorist who tries to stop us. 

Your publication needs to stop posting fake news, and start reporting the real news about the steal! If you don’t, we’ll hold a legitimate protest in your newsroom!

Joe Z. Newman
Bolingbrook, IL

We wonder what will happen if he wins this allegedly rigged election.

Finally, let’s end with an upbeat letter.

To the Editor:

I’m tired of all the mean people running for office. That’s why I’m voting for Elnalyn Costa for Will County Board. She’s nice! It’s nice to see that I can vote for her. So be nice and vote for Costa!

Ellen X. Coats

Bolingbrook, IL

All we can add is to vote on Tuesday like it will be the last time your vote will count!

Also in the Babbler:

Off-world ballots are secure and safe says Interstellar Commonwealth
Russian wind attack falters
Only space aliens with US Citizenship allowed to vote
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/9/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2022 (Fiction)

Will Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta make history in 2022? (Image from the First Party for Bolingbrook site.)

After failing to predict the 2020 COVID-19 pandemic, our psychics made a strong comeback with their 2021 predictions. The psychics correctly predicted the insurrection and that people would escape through tunnels. They also predicted that President Biden would still be in office at the end of the year, and that he would face many challenges.

We believe our psychics are back on track, and we have the utmost confidence in their predictions for 2022. However, please keep in mind that the future is not set, and posting these predictions could alter the future. Just like we believe that there were no petition challenges for the 2021 election because we predicted the election board would throw all the candidates off the ballot.

So here is what you can expect in the new year:

***

The largest Greenland ice sheet collapse in history will cause the largest tsunami ever, devastating the East Coast. Despite the wave reaching portions of West Virginia, Sen. Joe Manchin will refuse to approve disaster relief or support the Build Back Better plan. He will deny that he really wants a massive bailout for the coal industry.

“We have too much debt, and rebuilding the eastern half of our country costs too much. It’s far cheaper for the affected states to be just like West Virginia. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to Kentucky to recover my yacht.”

Sen. Kyrsten Sinema will say she supports rebuilding Washington DC,  but will be blunt in her opposition to expanded disaster relief:

“What’s in it for me?”

***

Bolingbrook Mary Alexander-Basta will raise eyebrows around Chicagoland when she flies the Thin Bread Crust flag over village hall. She will defend her decision like this:

“Delivery Drivers have one of the most dangerous occupations, yet their work is vital to keeping Bolingbrook’s restaurants open. We honor police officers for their bravery, but have yet to honor members of an occupation with a higher fatality rate. This week, I’m correcting that.”

Bolingbrook’s police unions will not comment about her decision until much later.

***

Elon Musk’s love for the Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe hosts will grow. Tesla and Space X will spend millions of dollars advertising on the podcast. Musk will also become a regular guest, and his arguments with Dr. Steven Novella over COVID-19 will be legendary. Jay Novella will say, “Man, Elon, just sitting next to you gets me high.”

Musk will arrange for the rogues to ride on the second Starship orbital test flight. The flight will end in disaster when the Super Heavy Booster explodes during takeoff, and Starship crashes into the ocean. The hosts will survive with injuries.

“You know,” Cara Santa Maria will say, “You really should install an escape system on Starship. Even airliners have inflatable slides.”

Despite the initial hard feelings, things will improve when Elon buys the rights to be called the founder of the SGU.

***

In what will be known as the “Cop Coup,” Bolingbrook police officers will arrest the village board before they can vote to legalize all garbage toters. The officers will accuse the board of “conspiring to distribute a federally illegal substance,” because the board were also debating the merits of allowing a cannabis dispensary in Bolingbrook.

As a result, Trustee Michael Carpanzano will be installed as the new mayor of Bolingbrook:

“Gee, I’m getting messages from residents who feel strongly about this sudden police action. Regardless of how you feel, I think we can all agree that the police have a demanding job. So I urge all residents to come together and support our officers. Without them, we would descend into anomie.”

Village Co-Administrators Ken Teppel and Lucas Rickelman will rush into the boardroom and demand the immediate release of the board because the police budget doesn’t have an insurrection line item. When asked how they intended to enforce their order without the police, the Co-Administrators will reply that they contacted Bolingbrook ANTIFA, and if the police do not stand down, they will post screenshots of every officer’s embarrassing social media posts online.

“All of you will suffer a fate worse than death. You will be canceled!”

The officers will surrender and resign. Carpanzano will step down as mayor. Alexander-Basta will be reinstalled as mayor. She will sentence  Carpanzano to one year of house arrest, so he cannot leave his home.

“As of today, you are grounded!”

Historians will then spend years debating whether Alexander-Basta is the second mayor in Bolingbrook’s history to serve non-consecutive terms.

***

The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story will become an Amazon best seller in the category of “Books set in Bolingbrook that Don’t Mention Drew Peterson”.

***

When polls suggest the Democrats might keep control of the House of Representatives, Florida’s governor Ron DeSantis will send his Florida State Guard to the temporary national capitol in Chicago to arrest President Joe Biden and all Democratic members of Congress.

“I must do what President Trump failed to do,” DeSantis will say. “I will stop the steal, and I urge all patriotic law enforcement officials to join me. It will work this time because Steve Bannon isn’t involved!”

Biden will respond by mobilizing all military branches to defend Chicago.

“Here’s the deal,” Biden will say. “We have elections. Fair elections. If you want me out of office, vote me out. Don’t send an army. That’s not how we do things.”

As the Florida State Guard and their Russian military “advisors” approach Chicago, Speaker Nancy Pelosi will send out an urgent text message.

“Our Democratic majority is in danger. DeSantis and his Republican army are marching towards us as I’m typing. Democracy is in danger and we might lose the opportunity to talk about passing the John Lewis Voting Rights Act.

“We’re also in danger of missing our FEC monthly fundraising deadline.  If every Democrat like you donates…”

Also in the Babbler:

New UFO noise regulations to take effect in Palatine
Sources say: Russia training new recruits to flood Bolingbrook’s Facebook groups
Valley View mothers urge board to ban the teaching of germ theory
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/31/21

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group

The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2021! (Fiction)

Will Representative Bill Foster save Congress in 2021? (File Photo)

It’s that time of year when the Babbler’s Council of Psychics announces its predictions for the new year.  Normally, they’re extremely accurate, but many readers have pointed out that our psychics didn’t predict the COVID-19 pandemic.

Many psychics didn’t predict the pandemic and are trying to hide behind post hoc rationalizations of their predictions.  Our psychics, however, admit that they didn’t foresee the pandemic.  They are still trying to figure out how they missed something that, to date, has killed nearly 2 million people globally, crashed the global economy, and altered our daily lives.  The council won’t hide behind the fact that pollsters were also off in 2020.  Instead, they apologize for their massive pre-cognition failure and strive to do a better job this year.  

Still, our psychics did correctly predict unrest in the United States, the impeachment and acquittal of President Donald Trump, a disputed Iowa Caucus, Mayor Roger Claar’s retirement, the return of activist Bonnie Kurowski to Bolingbrook’s political scene, and President Trump’s attempt to overturn the 2020 election.

So what do our psychics think will happen in 2021?

1

The Bolingbrook Election Board, consisting of Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta, Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler, and Acting Village Clerk Martha M. Barton, will hold a hearing on disputed nomination petitions for the 2021 municipal election.  Alexander-Basta will ask the village attorney if it is legal for the board to only have members of the First Party for Bolingbrook.  The attorney will reply that under Illinois law, it is legal. 

Alexander-Basta will then say: “Okay!  Let’s cut to the chase!  You’re off the ballot.  You’re off the ballot.  You’re off the ballot.  Every defendant is off the ballot!”

The board will unanimously approve the resolution.  As they start to leave, the lawyer for the First Party for Bolingbrook will ask if they were joking.  Lawler will say no because he wanted to spend time with his grandchildren.  The lawyer will remind the board that their ruling removed all the First Party candidates because there were objections filed against them too.

“Oops,” Lawler will reply.

When Will County Clerk Lauren Staley Ferry hears that she will have to manage an all write-in race for Bolingbrook’s village board, her screams will be heard as far north as Naperville.

2

Thousands of armed militias and QAnon supporters will attack Washington D.C. while a joint session of Congress counts the Electoral College’s votes.  While chanting, “burn the swamp,” they will burn down the White House.  Oddly enough, the White House will be empty and unguarded at the time.

Despite Vice-President Mike Pence’s stalling, both chambers will declare Vice-President Joe Biden and Sen. Kamala Harris the official winners of the 2020 election.  The protesters will surround the Capitol Building and demand Trump be anointed President.  Thanks to quick thinking by Representative Bill Foster and Representative Sean Casten, the legislators are able to tunnel their way to safety.

Foster will say, “I designed the drilling laser.  Sean built it.  That’s why we need scientists in Congress!”

3

A B-2 stealth bomber will crash into Bolingbrook Golf Club’s course.  There will be no civilian casualties, but the course will be unplayable due to radioactive contamination.

It will be revealed that the crew chose to deliberately crash the plane rather than obey Trump’s order to drop a nuclear bomb on Indianapolis.  Trump issued the order in retaliation for Pence failing to overturn the election in Congress.

Trump’s cabinet will finally use the 25th Amendment to remove Trump.

Harris will say, “Better late than never.”

Biden will promise not to hold “this unfortunate incident” against Republicans and will spend time attacking the more liberal members of the Democratic Party.

The Village of Bolingbrook will sell the Golf Club to the Federal Government, which will turn the area into a memorial to “those who fought against the enemies of freedom, both domestic and foreign.”

“See,” Trustee Michael Carpanzano will say, “The village profited from the Golf Club.  Yes, it did take several years and the tragic sacrifice of a brave air crew, but the First Party came through in the end.  That’s why you should never question our decisions!”

4

 Bolingbrook will celebrate the end of COVID-19 restrictions by hosting a Nickelback concert.

“I don’t care if Nickelback is performing,” a resident will say.  “I just want to hear live music!”

5

Former atheist activist David Silverman will move to Bolingbrook and announce his candidacy for Governor of Illinois:

“I fought God and now I’m going to fight Illinois’ corrupt political machine!”

He will, however, spend most of 2021 fighting with his homeowners’ association over placing a billboard on top of his house:

“If religious residents of Bolingbrook are allowed to virtue signal with their churches and mosques, then I should be allowed to (expletive deleted) signal with my billboards!  Free speech is under attack and I’m going to fight back whether you like it or not!  So shut up and give me your money!”

6

To the surprise of many Trumpsters, President Biden will still be alive at the end of his first year in office:

“It’s been a hard year.  The government is still shut down. McConnell’s Senate won’t approve any of my cabinet nominees.  Florida only recognizes Trump as the President, and QAnon complains every time I eat pizza.  But I have faith that our country will pull through these dark times, and some Republicans will come around and work with me.”

Also in the Babbler:

Anti-alien protesters arrested outside of Clow UFO Base
Werecoyotes spotted in Palatine
Weredogs endorse Bolingbrook United’s slate
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/30/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Web Exclusive: ‘Doomsday Crew’ evacuates Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

In another blow to Bolingbrook’s economy, Clow UFO Base’s “Doomsday Crew” will close the base this week and relocate to the moon.

The crew released a statement stating:  “It is not safe to keep Clow UFO Base open in any capacity.  The 19.8% positivity rate in our COVID region is too high, and although we are glad the courts dismissed lawsuits challenging the Governor’s mitigation orders, it is not enough.  With Dr. Scott Atlas’ recent threats to Michigan and the President determined to infect this country, we believe the pro-virus forces are too strong to keep out.  To protect the safety of the solar system and the galaxy, we must evacuate.”

According to Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, the Interstellar Commonwealth will transport the crew to a quarantine camp on the moon.  The Commonwealth hopes the crew will be able to return to Bolingbrook by Valentine’s Day.  

“If humanity can’t get this pandemic under control,” said an anonymous employee at the department, “then our crew members have the option of relocating to zoos across the galaxy.  They could be used as part of a breeding program to save humanity.  Hey.  They knew this could happen when they volunteered.”

In addition to evacuating the crew, any alien visitors must also leave the Bolingbrook area by the end of the week.  

“This stinks,” says Xoblock, an anthropologist from Ross 128b.  “My university spent a fortune so I could personally observe how Bolingbrook residents deal with a pandemic.  I guess I’ll have to watch them from orbit, but it won’t be the same.”

In a televised announcement, Bolingbrook Village Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz urged residents to wear masks and to follow COVID-19  mitigation measures:  “Stay at home if you can, and wear a mask and social distance if you can’t.  Order lots of takeout meals.  The sooner we can get this virus under control, the sooner we can reopen (Clow UFO Base.)”

Trustee Sheldon Watts released a statement regretting the crew’s departure:  “God has given us the science to find a vaccine, and the strength to do what must be done to both reopen Clow, and to rebuild Bolingbrook.  Don’t be a tool of Satan.  Wear a mask to save lives and save our UFO Base.”

According to sources, the Interstellar Commonwealth will decide on issuing a “No landing” order for all of North America by Friday.  If enacted, all UFO bases in the United States and Canada would be forced to temporarily close until the start of the Biden administration.

Clow Airport will remain open.

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.