A Mission Possible: Get Your Drank On

I was gonna save this video for Thanks4nothing, but I ran out of content before that, and the sidebar is a vanishing domain upon which we feasty dogs must fight to survive.  Before I exhorted my commentariat to find video of TV’s Michael “The Worf” Dorn talking about monkey lovin’, but it proved to be something I’d hallucinated in the past.  What I’m going to ask of you now is actually possible, so please do it.

Observe…

Now I know what you’re thinking.  “That sounds interesting, except maybe I do this this and this instead, until it no longer resembles original concept in any respect.”  And I get that.  This is FtB, and like the bloggers here, we are all fierce individualists who anarchistically never accomplish anything.  But resist the impulse!  Resist it, I say.  One, this is worth doing right, at least once.  Two, I don’t want to be the only person in the world who has ever done it.  Please don’t leave me hangin’!

I wasn’t hugely clear on the specifics of method, so take this in recipe form.

Toolz

  • 1 paring knife
  • mixing bowl
  • one ziploc sandwich bag
  • two ziploc freezer bags
  • three regular bowls, small to medium size
  • big clear glass mug
  • wide-mouth straw like they do at bubble tea joints
  • maybe roll of paper towels or a small regular towel handy for messes

Ingredience

  • 1 pomegranate
  • 1 small thingus of lucky charms, generic may be adequate
  • 1 20 oz bottle of pepsi

Destructions

  • put one freezer bag inside another, just in case of tiny holes.
  • pour the pepsi into the inner freezer bag and seal both.  do not seal a bunch of air inside because these will swell as the water within freezes, and you don’t want them to pop open.  squeeze a lil air out, careful not to spill liquid.
  • put that shit in the freezer.  set a timer for maybe forty-five minutes.
  • keep checking on it every forty-five minutes, busting up crystals so it freezes slushy, no big hard chunks within.  you may also have to let more air out as it expands.  it is finished when this is a frozen pepsi, more crystal than liquid, but slushy – not a big slab.
  • you can do more of these steps while you wait for freezing.  depending on your freezer it could take hours.
  • rinse the pomegranate.  use the paring knife to notch the rind, circumnavigating the sumbitch with the cut in at least two directions, so you can pull it apart in quarters.
  • put maybe three inches of water in the mixing bowl, and get it, one ziploc sandwich bag, and one regular bowl at least medium size, and have them within reach – along with optional towels for spills.  put on a movie or some podcasts; you’ll be here a while.
  • gently pull apart pomegranate, sinking the quarters in the mixing bowl of water.  they don’t have to be fully submerged, but water should be accessible.
  • remove all the rind and mesocarp (inner membranes) from the pomegranate arils, placing them in your medium bowl.  if it’s white, it goes.  sometimes a lil strand of pulp will be stuck to the base of an aril.  i individually knock these off, tho it makes this take a ridiculously long time.  even the best pomegranates most of us can get have some amount of rotten seeds.  chuck them in the garbage bowl too.  the water helps you get junk off your fingers as you go.  a towel may also be useful.
  • as you go, put the fresh arils in the ziploc sandwich bag.  when you got all the good ones, refrigerate.  they’re nicer slightly chilled.  these will be in better condition than the ones you get from a grocery store.  super primo.
  • at the end you will also have one bowl of rind pieces plus a few rotten arils.  garbage or compost.  the bowl of water will be yellowish and have tiny bits of plant matter in it.  send it down the drain.
  • get two more bowls and your lucky charms.  one of the bowls can be pretty small.
  • separate the marshmallows from the oat cereal pieces in the lucky charms.  the bowls help, give you something to divvy into.  you don’t need a lot of the marshmallows, maybe a little less than a handful, depending on the size of your hands.  at the end pour the oat bits back in the box, to sadden the next child who tries to pour some of their favorite cereal.  set the bowl of ‘shmallows aside.
  • you might have to wait longer if your pepsi ain’t frozen yet.  when it’s good, it’s time to play bartender.
  • make a lil conical pyramid at the bottom of your mug.
  • pour lucky charms around the base of it.
  • pour a similar amount of pom arils on top of the lucky charms, maybe a lil less.  you will have a lot of arils left.  you can use for more of the recipe for pals, or save as a treat for later.  i like to eat ’em straight or with cool whip from a lil ramekin.
  • top it off with however much of the frozen pepsi fits in your mug.
  • serve with wide-mouthed straw.
  • WARNING – the arils are a choking hazard.  careful how you succc.

In the video I also failed to adequately describe it.  First up, frozen pepsi is what you’d expect.  Nice, if wildly sweet.  Second, you’d think the marshmallows would disintegrate, but not really?  And the way they almost crunch in the mouth is weirdly pleasing.  Also very sweet, with a touch of food coloring taste.  Lastly, pomegranate arils explode in the mouth real nice, and when they do?  Release a slightly sour taste into the excessively sweet beverage, lending it a lot of interest.

Let me know if u dun it, or if you’re a boring anarchist who had to do your own shit.  I’d be curious about an alcoholic version tho I total tee.  Comment on the blog, not on yewchoob.  Thanks.

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Bird Mystery Solved?

Remember those shiny white birds from the neighborhood of 320th ave and I-5 in Federal Way WA, that have vexed me for at least a few years now?  I think I might have solved the mystery…

Fancy pigeons.  Now I wouldn’t think somebody who keeps fancy pigeons would let them fly around, but what would I know?  This isn’t 100% because I haven’t seen the full flock in motion close enough to be sure it was the same birds, but in the same neighborhood I saw two different pigeons that were blazing white.  might have had a little darkness in the face and been a bit larger than average feral, but hard to be sure at a distance.

Why did I think they had size overlap enough with gulls to throw me?  Bloom, I think.  White objects look larger at distance, and these guys were even whiter overall than glaucous-winged gulls.  Anyway, it’s been months since I’ve seen the whole flock together, which makes sense.  A white pigeon in that neighborhood has to be total hawkbait.

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A Mission from Me

Your mission, should you choose to accept it…

Unbelievably, nobody seems to have isolated the audio from that nature documentary where Michael Dorn said “Now he’s decided it’s time for a little monkey lovin’.”  At least find me a time signature on a yewchoob video, please, I’m beggin’ ya.

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EDIT – i begged for the impossible.  spurred by morales in comments, i googled it from both the quote and the dorn side.  no trace.  feels like i had a hallucination.  humans never do that, only bad dirty robits…

Essential Milks

I made a playlist of what I deemed the best Dead Milkmen songs, following my exhaustive review of their discography, trying to have at least one from most of their albums, to get the range of what’s going on there.  Does it hang together?

The biggest problem with making this kind of thing is often the volume difference from one album to the next, however I think yewchoob might equalize stuff to have a similar noisiness, from one video to the next?  At least, I don’t recall having any radical changes causing issues – unlike burning one’s own cd, where that’s a perennial annoyance.

Another issue is appended intro or outro material on a track, no way to skip without editing.  That’s why I left “Life is Shit” off of this list, tho it’s usually considered essential to tha canon.  Anyway, top 20 Dead Milkmen songs in whatever order seemed the least jarring with minimal effort.  A number of these tracks break my ableism and/or doomerism policies, so beware…

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depressed, but you know

im depressed, but u kno, neurotypically, so strictly in proportion to how actually fucking depressing my life is at the moment, and ready for those dark clouds to blow away in a puff of air, should said circumstance stop fucking sucking so god damn much for a minute.  on the downside, doubt i get much done this month of the writing i want to do.  but on the plus side for you, i’m more likely to produce a few posts.  see y’all around…

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Spoonkt

Last day of Spooktober I always gotta take the losers of the voting and turn ’em into an excessively convoluted mega-post…
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SPOOKTOBER DAY XX – BONUS
OPTIONAL CHALLENGE:  ALTERNATE DIMENSIONS, CULT, CREEPY KID, CLOWN/CIRCUS, DARK WEB/TECHNOLOGY, DEVILS & DEMONS, DREAMS & NIGHTMARES, FOLK HORROR, HAUNTED HOUSE, HISTORICAL, KILLER ANIMAL, KILLER TOYS, MUMMY, MUTANTS, NOIR, SCARY CARS, SCHOOL DAZE, AND WITCH/WIZARD

TITLE:  IN THIS COLONY

Premise:  It’s a scifi noir (Noir) scenario, where a sorta neo-midcentury lookin high school (School Daze) has straight-laced kids with pomaded hair and slacks are doing their best in a world of fascism and grittiness.  A creepy new kid (Creepy Kid) in class starts seducing one of the girls away from the gang, and Snoopi -the hacker (Dark Web/Technology) of the group- investigates her.  She finds out Creepi is somehow connected with the mummies (Mummi) that went missing from the local museum, and investigating them leads the story to alternate with the colonial time period (Historical) in the same area.

The colonial era kids are plagued by dreams (Dreams & Nightmares) that might lead to a witch panic, seeing the forms of monstrous creatures (Devils & Demons).  Gradually it becomes apparent there’s a parallel world (Alternate Dimensions) coming into contact with ours during the witching hour and other spooky occasions.  There’s a whole alien ecosystem to that place, but the energies of it seep through and grant wild powers to the children (Witch/Wizard).

Back in the future it becomes clear the same thing is happening, but the lack of historic records means it’s only clear to the reader – knowledge withheld from the characters hitchcock style.  The high schoolies start gaining weird powers (Mutants).

Back in the past, one of the kids who suffered religious abuse convinces the others to form a coven and curse the colony, attacking it with animated toys (Killer Toys) and other things.  She liked the commedia dell’arte and gets her friends to take roles from it, with herself reigning as la Signora (Clown/Circus).

Back in the future, Snoopi and the gang discover there’s a cult (Cult) within the city that has discovered there are mutants about and mobilize against them.  What’s more dangerous, the creepy kid who has snatched up their chum, or the gr’ups who want to kill them for being different?  They patrol the city in unmarked cars (Scary Cars), and could get you at any moment.

Back in the past, the goodest witch kid is too naive and uses her own powers to defend the colony from the coven dell’arte, taking out the killer toys with mind-controlled animals (Killer Animals).  In return the colonists see her as a witch and try to kill her (Folk Horror).  The bad kids save her, but many die in the fight.  La Signora takes the goodest girl away and they hide by using a power to turn into bog mummies.  They get discovered by developers in the mid-twentieth century who drain a swamp to make a suburb, and are added to the museum’s collection.  The other world beginning to cross over with the city yet again, and they are awakened.

Back in the future, the school kid mutant gang finds the haunted house (Haunted House) where their friend has joined the dell’arte coven, and have a confrontation.  Probably they have to team up to fight the cult.  I dunno.

Horror Element:  Is the other world evil?  Is it making the kids into monsters?  Or is this an innocent thing, and the gr’ups are the bad ones?

Some Nonsense:  Volach, a great president, appears in the likeness of young boy, having wings in the way of an angel, riding upon a dragon with two heads.  He gives full true repsonses of hidden treasure, in which it seems snakes appear.  But if desired, all kinds of serpents are delivered into the exorcist’s hand.  He has thirty legions under him.


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Spooktober the 31st

what is wrong with me (/kurt)…   content warning for school shooting related shit, but this is all horror stuff, so you should expect badness.

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SPOOKTOBER DAY 25 – PSYCHIC
OPTIONAL CHALLENGE:  CURSES

TITLE:  THE WIGHT

Premise:  A group of young teens were tripping on acid by a barrow mound in the late ’60s, when the groups “shaman” was struck by ball lightning.  The light remained in his head like a halo for long enough that he was able to descend to his circle of friends and deliver an otherworldly sermon that imbued them all with psychic powers.

They played together, developed the powers more, agreed to keep it secret from the world and always protect each other.  But the shaman seemed somehow diminished in the wake of the experience, less passionate, more distant.  Eventually he astral projected to death.

Horror Element:  He had imparted psychic powers to them by parceling up his soul, and his angry ghost wants the soul parts back.  Each person is haunted by visions and creepy phenomena until they are finally killed in a horrible way.

They connect the dots and the survivors team up to try to keep surviving.  It’s psychic warfare. If they can collectively take him down, they can parcel up his power and be done with him.  Or can they?  When they think they’ve achieved this, the absorbed soul fragments attack them from within.

Only the most selfless survive in the end by expelling every bit of the power and running away by hopping a train.  But will the phantom catch up to them someday?  Run forever.

Some Nonsense:  Balpala, a great and strong duke, appears in the likeness of a lion.  He has the wings of a griffon.  He is subtle and marvelous in mathematics, in the observation of physics, and in chiromancy, and in all the arts found in the books of the mathematicians.  He has beneath him thirty legions.

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SPOOKTOBER DAY 26 – BACKWOODS
OPTIONAL CHALLENGE:  FRUIT & VEG

TITLE:  EL PANEL DERECHO

Premise:  One common reason for people to feel the necessity of Heaven & Hell is that life is so unjust.  There simply must be justice; the universe itself demands it.  Why do our minds do this to us?

They were right.  Heaven accepts the good and Hell the evil.  But the souls must be shoved in the right hole.  There’s a hellmouth in this Spanish speaking banana republic, who knows where?

It’s rural.  It’s in the forest.  Little farms yield amazing crops of fruit, from soil drenched in the spiritual effluvium of countless sinners.  Don’t wake up at night; don’t watch it happen.  You might get his attention.

Horror Element:  In the middle of this rustic pueblito, the night becomes a boschesque tableau of freaks.  Naked bodies that are unseen as ghosts in the daytime take on a pale reality in the moonlight, prodded with forks and hooks wielded by a motley assortment of goblins.

Presiding over a throne across the village’s well, a grand devil with the head of a nightjar swallows the sinners and shits them into Hell.

Some Nonsense:  Gorsor, or Gorson, is a strong duke, appearing in the likeness of a human, but with a head like a night raven.  He makes people marvelous in botanical arts.  He gathers people in the presence of the exorcist, who is to provide a punishment.  From foreign and faraway places, all murderers are brought to be tormented.  He was the worst of the order of Virtues, and has under him twelve legions.

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SPOOKTOBER DAY 27 – CRYPTID
OPTIONAL CHALLENGE:  HOTEL

TITLE:  DEVIL LEGS

Premise:  Rural Maryland, the goatman supposedly mutilating dogs, you know the drill.  A guy returns to his hometown with his husband and they have to stay at a shitty hotel run by the creepiest dude from his old high school, all grown up.  Spooky guy loves the goatman and talks about it a lot.  The hotel has one other employee who is a quiet and disabled old janitor.  Spooky guy is nice to janitor’s face but tends to be gross or rude about him behind his back.

Horror Element:  A monster is loose, and occasionally the man & his husband have close encounters.  Clearly the goatman, it sometimes leaves hoopfrints running up walls or across ceilings.

Turns out the old janitor gains supernaturally buff devil legs, and kills while thus possessed.  Further, it turns out to be high school creep casting a spell on him.

Some Nonsense:  Ponicarpo, a strong duke, appears in the likeness of a fighting man, bearing weapons.  Let there be made, therefore, an image of him with sharp weapons.  And let this be consecrated in the aforementioned way, and through it you will be able to bind infantry.  He gives the love of women and true replies to questioning.  He has under him 30 legions.

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SPOOKTOBER DAY 28 – VIRAL
OPTIONAL CHALLENGE:  LIFETIME/MOM MOVIE

TITLE:  MOMMY’S PERFECT ANGEL

Premise:  Shyla’s little boy Michael was born sickly, a condition that denied all attempts at diagnosis.  For years mom was suspected of Munchaeusen by Proxy, but at last was vindicated when he became too sick to care for, and ended up beyond the reach of household poisoning at the hospital.

Then the contagion began, and a medical genius from the WHO called in to investigate.  Michael has a form of cancer which affects him slowly, but which had become airborne.  From the lungs it enters the bloodstream very quickly, taking root almost anywhere in the body – making it express in a million disturbing unique ways in its victims.

Horror Element:  He never did anything wrong!  Mommy must save baby, and damn the world.  Plague of cancer, everybody dies, the end.

Some Nonsense:  Lanima, or Pneumam, a great count, appears in an angelic countenance, speaking with pleasant speech, and understands the powers of herbs, and has under him 20 legions.

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SPOOKTOBER DAY 29 – FAMILY
OPTIONAL CHALLENGE:  DANCE

TITLE:  THE DEADLY DANCE

Premise:  Two unconventional families are feuding.  The breakdown of the economy over generations leads to aging elders having all the money, and a motley assortment of younger people living in their orbits.  Both families are alike in toxic masculinity, but one is worse, including an adult uncle leading a teen into inceldom.  As the focus of his twisted desire is a daughter of the other family, puffed chests and reprisals make things worse.

Horror Element:  Girl’s uncle means well when he threatens incel boy, but incel uncle threatens him, and so on, and so on.  This comes to a head at the prom, where the incels take hostages, and the tension leads to all too real human horror.

Some Nonsense:  Saylmon, or Zamon, a strong duke and president and count, appears in the likeness of a man riding on a pale horse, with the head of a lion, bearing an eagle in his hand.  He speaks in a harsh voice. He makes peace among many and makes men without women quarrel.  And under him are thirty legions.

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SPOOKTOBER DAY 30 – SPOOPY/PUMPKINCORE
OPTIONAL CHALLENGE:  INTERACTIVE/CHOOSE-YOUR-OWN-ADVENTURE

TITLE:  GOURDON

Premise:  Babygirl doesn’t want her jack o’lantern Mr. Gourdon Pumpks to die.  The mold must never come.  She wishes upon a star, but feeling that isn’t enough, checks in with the aunt who did her star chart.  Surely that lady knows more about stars than “look at ’em twinkle and wanna”…

Horror Element:  If you choose the most boring options, the horror is watching Gourdon go moldy and slump, learning a lesson about growing up along the way.  Babygirl must accept that not all can be preserved, that one must let things pass in their time.

If you choose more interesting options, astrologer aunt invokes the powers of the stars to magnify those wishes, and Mr. Pumpks comes to life.  His vines are a horde of serpents that form the shape of a body, the candle inside him transforms into hellfire that he can breathe on the unfortunate.

Take that, shelf life!

Some Nonsense:  Simias, or Gumas, a great Marquis, appears in the likeness of a lion.  He rides upon a very strong bear, its tail a serpent, and a flame comes from his mouth.  In his right hand he carries two great hissing serpents.  He knows the strengths of herbs and constellations, the places of the planets, and is the best teacher of their houses.  He makes men transform into other shapes.  He grants dignities and prelacies, and the grace of all friends and enemies.  He has in his dominion thirty legions.

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SPOOKTOBER DAY 31 – GHOSTS
OPTIONAL CHALLENGE:  BOOKS

TITLE:  BEAR MARKET

Premise:  In the hamlet there is but one businessman, respected for his magnanimity by all but a few radicals.  Yet why does he never take a wife, to produce an heir?  Or at least take an apprentice?  At last he emerges from the depths of his studies to pass on his craft to a worthy acolyte.

Young Sixtus is the lucky boy.  He discovers that the old man has been honing his art for decades, focused too fully upon the task to cultivate a legacy.  He fears he will die without realizing his dream, but if a man with the powers of youth could take up his banner, what could be possible?

If the hamlet prospers, Sixtus and his master make money.  If the hamlet despairs, they make even more money.  If the hamlet has brief bursts of amazing fortune, it outweighs the memory of great stretches of desolation, and they keep supporting the merchants, always dreaming of a return to those unsustainable feasts.

Boom turns to bust, and the people come to Sixtus with hat in hand, asking when things will be good again.  He says wait but a little longer.  As they go home they fade from existence.  One by one, the people of the hamlet turn to ghosts.

Horror Element:  Maybe the ghosts are feeding the master their lives, maybe they just represent those forgotten by the great machinery of commerce.  When nobody remains to give you money, Sixtus, what happens then?  Ghost attack, probably.

Some Nonsense:  Foreas, or Fortas or Sartas, a great president, appears in the likeness of a very strong bear.  In human form, he knows the strengths of herbs and precious stones, and teaches fully the practice of logic and its aspects.  He makes people invisible, ingenious, eloquent, or passionate, and has twenty-nine legions.

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spiderman said abolish ice

this is just a dreampost.  for more substantial things, look two posts back.

had a dream i was at the ice protest marching around town, being bored and confused, but committed nonetheless.  at some point i became spiderman and was running around the walls acting the fool, which people enjoyed well enough.

i decided to go crash a fashion show being put on by madonna at the mall, to make some kind of a point, but she had something for me – a special costume in different colors and a gizmo that she expected me to use to hunt down a certain super villain.

afterwards i was trying to figure out how to use that device and i accidentally fried aunt may with 8000 volts.  she lived somehow so i was hunkydory.  this was probably inspired by spiderman’s incompetence directly causing aunt may’s death in the most recent spiderfilm.  oops spiderspoilers that movie fundamentally sucked anyways, just tricked you into caring with nostalgia.

i woke up with van morrison’s domino and ac/dc’s givin’ the dog a bone in my head, for reasons, then immediately had to go to work.  be nice to have some recovery time.

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DONK

weird birding day.  was looking directly at my bedroom window when a robin flew into it like a ton of bricks.  somehow it was able to fly away afterwards, but jesus fucking christ.  my phone just wanted me to type jesus fucking morbius.  maybe i should make a wattpad account.  also i saw a bald eagle pretty well, for a good amount of time, so one happy thing.

weird dreaming night.  something like hellraiser but more elaborate.  some goofy old lady kept nearly opening the box by accident and we had to force it closed.  there was a demon with a name like anh nyeng and all his cultists had it tattooed on their chest.  lots and lots and lots of violence.  skulls getting smashed, guns, machetes.  i think the trailer for tetsuo: body hammer may have been an influence.

i just wanted to get these memories down quick, don’t miss the post before this, if you want something more substantial.

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