Bolingbrook cracks down on weredogs’ cannabis home delivery service (Fiction)

Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs announced a crackdown on the weredogs’ “fetching” cannabis for residents.

The press release stated: “Pandemic or no pandemic, home delivery of cannabis is still illegal in Illinois. Any weredog involved in this criminal operation is a bad dog!”

Hillary, who asked that we not use her last name, witnessed the department trying to arrest a weredog:

“This cute dog dropped a bag of weed on my front door.  I was about to tip him when this black armored vehicle drove on to my front yard.  Two masked men told the dog to roll over.  Instead, he shape-shifted into a giant dog and ran away.  One of the men yelled: ‘Bolingbrook says no to drugs.’ I said Roger wasn’t Bolingbrook.  They said they would deal with me later.  They drove off before I could tell them what I felt.”

Bud, the Alpha dog of the Bolingbrook Weredeer association, says his fellow weredogs are performing an essential service for Bolingbrook:

“Residents are stressed.  It’s not enough for (Mayor Roger Claar) to tell us to stay calm.  They need weed.  It’s great the dispensaries are offering curbside pick up, but that shouldn’t be the only option.  We’re happy to fetch weed for anyone who wants it.  You can give us a treat instead of cash!”

Ruth, another weredog, claims Claar tried to arrest her for delivering cannabis:

“I was walking in human form and minding my own business.  Roger drove by and gave me a look.  I waved and kept walking.  He pulled up to a police car and told the officer to arrest me.  The officer refused because I was still walking, and he wasn’t allowed to chase suspects.  Roger said he was the mayor of Bolingbrook and he was ordering the officer to chase me.  That’s when I shifted into dog form and rushed into the bushes.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy “saving Bolingbrook” and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Mr. President.  You are the greatest leader the world has ever known.  I risked my political career when I first endorsed you.  Your followers will say anything to defend me online.  I am forever in debt to you and the MAGA family.  How’s that?”

“A man who sounded like President Trump replied:  “Not bad.  Where are you from again?”

“Bolingbrook, Illinois.”

Never been there.”

“Mr. President, can I count on you to make sure we get some medical supplies?  I don’t know what else I can give you.”

“That golf course.”

“You want to buy the Bolingbrook Golf Club?”

“I suppose I could with all the billions Congress just gave me.  But you see, there’s a serious problem.  It’s too far away from the airport.  I need you to do me a favor and move it closer to the Chicago airport.”

“Um, for the first time, I really don’t know what to say, Mr. President.  I don’t think you can move a golf course.”

“Have you tried?”

Also in the Babbler:

Nitrile Glove monsters terrorize grocery shoppers
Hidden Lakes Monster frolics as residents shelter in place
Mayor Claar postpones weredeer hunting season
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/2/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

COVID-19: A Babbler Special Report (Fiction)

With Bolingbrook, like the rest of Illinois, under lockdown due to the COVID-19 pandemic, we sent a team of reporters outside so our readers wouldn’t have to go.  These are their stories.

Church of Christopher Hitchens holds ‘Day of Booze’ service

Bolingbrook’s Church of Christopher Hitchens held a “Day of Booze” service to protest President Trump’s national day of prayer.  The church held a service in their parking lot, which was open to the public.  Attendees were offered a small bottle of whiskey and a free copy of God is not Great. Speeches by Hitchens played over a loudspeaker.

“Normally praying is a waste of breath,” said Grand Bartender Dennis X. Silverton.  “This month, it’s deadly because a sick person could be spewing death while begging a non-existent God for healing.  This is yet another example of religion poisoning Bolingbrook.”

Silverton added that he believed his service was helpful:  “Whiskey can be used to disinfect both inside and outside our bodies.  It’s better than holy water or a stale wafer.”  He also insisted that the Church of Christopher Hitchens is a real religious institution and not a way to avoid needing a liquor license. 

Beth, (who asked that we not use her last name) took a bottle of whiskey, then left the service early:

“I loved hearing Christopher Hitchens bash Islam— Especially when he said: ‘If the Qur’an was the word of God, it had been dictated on a very bad day.’  When he called Mother Teresa a fraud, I had to leave.  At least the booze was free.”

Mayor Roger Claar attended the service, though he didn’t engage with the audience.  He asked Silverton if he could “inspect” the church’s Corona Beer stock.  He later made a phone call and could be heard saying: “I’m not asking if we can use Bolingbrook Commons to house patients.  I’m telling you!” 

Weredeer struggle to find human mates due to bar closings

With the suspension of dine-in service at all of Illinois’ bars and restaurants, Bolingbrook’s weredeer are struggling to find human mates.

“The humans now want to sext instead of meet in person,” said Joan, a 20-year-old wereskunk.  “This is mating season.  I don’t want naughty messages!  I want kids!”

Steve, another Bolingbrook wereskunk, has tried “door to door” mating without success:

“Nobody opens the door anymore.  If they talk to you, it’s through a video doorbell.  When I do talk to them, my pickup lines don’t work.  Take last night, for example.  I tried this line on a woman:  ‘Women tell me their sex lives stunk until they went wereskunk.’  Instead of inviting me in, she called the Department of Paranormal Affairs on me.”

Unlike most animals, wereskunks can only conceive children with a human or skunk partner.  Most experts expect a baby boom of feral wereskunks this year.

“I’m not a bad guy,” said Steve.  “I’ll mate with my skunk cousins if I have to, but it’s boring.  Humans enjoy sex once they get around to it.  Skunks just treat it like a job.”

Joan added: “My brother had a skunk dad.  It was a struggle teaching him how to act like a human.  That’s why I want human kids, but it’s not going to happen this year.  Even when I say they don’t have to pay child support, and I’ll raise him or her myself, they’re still not interested.”

WeatherTech Restaurant closes at Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

Clow UFO Base’s famed WeatherTech Restaurant is temporally closed due to the base’s COVID-19 lockdown.

“As much as we’d like to stay open,” said manager Pete Z. Timble, “we can’t because we’ve been cut off from the factory.”

The restaurant’s meals are made with plastic scraps from the Bolingbrook factory.  For years, alien dignitaries have dined at the restaurant, and it is considered one of Clow UFO Base’s biggest tourist attractions.

Zoglod, a resident of Alpha Centauri, dined during the restaurant’s last day open:

“I fly here every year to try one of their dishes.  I’m glad I got to eat their CupFone sundae.  It was just the right mix of cold and warm plastic.  If humanity doesn’t go extinct, I’ll come back.”

According to Timble, the restaurant’s current leftover food will be added to Clow’s meal rations.  He expects the restaurant to reopen once the lockdown ends.

Also in the Babbler:

Village considers taking over all Bolingbrook Facebook groups
Will County Board Member Ventura demands county conscript all doctors
Weredogs insist they are immune to COVID-19
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/18/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

UFO crew surrenders to Pete Buttigieg (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Former Presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg meets with a crew of alien supporters.

After attacking UFOs displaying ads for Joe Biden and Elizabeth Warren, a UFO crew loyal to Pete Buttigieg surrendered after meeting with him. 

“The alien crew didn’t believe the reports of Pete suspending his campaign,” said Sheila Z. Blake, a spokesperson for the Palatine Police Department and Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base.  “Thanks to Pete, we were able to bring this unfortunate situation to a peaceful end.”

The craft started its attacks Sunday evening.  Interceptors from all three of Chicagoland’s UFO bases attacked the craft.

An interceptor pilot, who asked not to be identified, described the aliens as fanatics:

“They kept saying that Pete’s confession speech was ‘deep fake’ created by the Russians to fool Americans into electing Joe Biden.  They thought if Biden gets the nomination, then Trump would win the election.  I said the polls show that all the Democratic candidates beat Trump.  Plus Pete’s withdrawal might mean no candidate gets a majority of delegates.  The commander accused me of being fake news and tried to destroy me.  I never thought of Pete as having fanatical followers.  Let alone alien fanatical followers.”

After a long aerial dogfight, Sherman UFO Base told the crew that Pete Buttigieg wanted to meet them.  The crew agreed to land at Sherman UFO Base.  Interceptors from Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base at first kept attacking the craft but were eventually recalled.  According to sources inside Clow, Mayor Roger Claar choose to recall the fighters because he did not want to risk “dragging Bolingbrook into a protracted Democratic delegate fight.”

When the craft landed, Buttigieg entered the craft and let the crew scan him.  Once they confirmed his identity, Buttigieg told that he really did suspend his campaign and he did not approve of their “terrorism.”

“But,” said the commander, “How could you stop fighting?  You convinced us to dedicate ourselves to find the progressive middle.  You said that we must change the ways of your Washington DC, but not go down the path of Bernie Sanders.  You said Joe Biden was the path of failure.”

“Yeah, I said a lot of things during the election,” replied Buttigieg.  “But the fact is I can’t win, and Joe offered me a really good deal.”

“You made a deal?”

“Yes.  If Joe is elected, I will become the ambassador to the Interstellar Commonwealth.  Remember, the path of moderation requires compromise.  An unwillingness to compromise leads you down the path of Bernie Sanders.”

“We understand!  We surrender!  Please forgive us.”

Buttigieg forgave them but said they had to serve time for what they did.

The crew is currently in the custody of the New World Order, pending extradition to their home planet.

The Buttigieg campaign said they will donate their UFO ad spaces to the Biden campaign.

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar actives emergency command center at the Bolingbrook Golf Club
Minnesota talking land squids reported canvassing for Sanders
Bolingbrook tests ‘quarantine drones’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/4/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own and may not reflect the views of any organizations I work for or my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Bernie Sanders draws record crowd to Clow UFO Base rally (Fiction)

File photo of Sen. Bernie Sanders. “IMG_5513” by cornstalker is licensed under CC BY 2.0

By Reporter X

Fresh off his victory in the Nevada caucuses, Presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders hosted the largest political rally in the history of Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  The rally was broadcasted live across the solar system.

“The solar system is feeling the burn!” said Sanders.

The crowd chanted, “Bernie or Burn!”  Sanders motioned for the crowd to stop that chant.

“Let’s be clear,” said Sanders.  “We’re not going to literally burn people.  We’re going to give people Medicare for All.  We’re going to reallocate government funds to cancel taxpayers’ student loan debt.  The only thing we’re going to burn is the structure of the corrupt New World Order!”

Sanders called on his supporters to vote in the March 1st Democratic Interplanetary Primary.  The primary is for members of the Democratic party who work off-world but within the solar system. 

“They say, ‘Oh the Interplanetary Primary is a waste of time.  The delegates selected can’t vote until the fourth round of delegate voting.  Why bother?’  I’ll tell you why, because this contested convention will go to the fourth round.  If we can survive the superdelegates and the backroom deals for the first three rounds, the Interplanetary Delegates will push us over the finish line!”

Sanders also praised the Illuminati:

“I have consistently fought for the working class. When the New World Order refused to make changes, I turned to the Illuminati.  We agreed that the current world order doesn’t work, and must be replaced.  It was a natural fit!”

Sanders then pointed to Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar:

“I want to thank my good friend Roger for hosting this fine gathering.”

“Don’t mention it,” Claar yelled back.  “Please….I’m on the verge of becoming a recurring Fox News guest.”

“Good point.  Folks.  The Illuminati is made up of both Democrats and Republicans.  Trump is a member of the Illuminati.  If I get the Democratic nomination, the Illuminati will win the Presidency.”

While Trump is a member of the Illuminati, Sanders did not show him mercy:

“He disrupted the world order, but he has no vision besides kleptocracy!  He is an incompetent fool and a useless tool.  He needs to be replaced before he kills us all!”

Sanders warned that the New World Order will fight dirty to steal the nomination from him:

“They’ve brought in Mike Bloomberg, a switch hitter for the New World Order.  He’s been a Republican.  He’s been a Democrat, but he has always worked for the New World Order.  Chris Matthews, one of their best operatives, compared my campaign to the Nazi invasion of France.  Really?  I have a message to the Bearded Men of the New World Order.  The Nazi’s killed my relatives.  That is a disgusting attack. The American people will see through your desperate lies, and vote out your puppets!”

Later in the speech, Marianne Williamson astrally projected herself onto the stage and endorsed Sanders:

“Sometimes, when great minds transcend reality, they risk becoming irrelevant to reality.  Bernie Sanders is not irrelevant to our reality.  Bernie Sanders is our reality.”

After she vanished, Sanders replied, “Thanks, Marianne.  Now, where was I?”

Sanders concluded by saying all are welcome to join his “revolution:”

“If you want a President who will stand up to the Martian Colonies, come join us.  If you’re tired of being abducted by aliens, come join us.  If you even suspect that you don’t fit into Pete’s narrow moderate ideology, come join us.  If you liked Barack Obama, but think Uncle Joe has lost touch with reality, come join us.  And if you can’t tell if Amy is being nice or Minnesota Nice to you, join our revolution!  All are welcome to help us take back our country.  Fnord!”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar offered a show on Fox Interstellar Network
Church of Christopher Hitchens issues ‘Hitchslap’ to President Trump
Carpanzano android double explodes during ‘Mayoral test run’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/28/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own and may not reflect the views of any organizations I work for or my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Martian Colonial marines seize former Old Chicago site (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The Martian Colonies launched a surprise invasion of Bolingbrook and seized the former site of the Old Chicago mall.

 During a press conference with the members of the interstellar media, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claa said: 

“Residents should stay calm. I hope I can talk some sense into leaders of the Martian Colonies so they will get the (expletive deleted) out of my village.”

Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler added: “As the universe knows, we have no effective defense against a colonial attack.  If they wanted us dead, we would be dead, because their weapons are at least 10,000 years more advanced than ours.  Hopefully we can resolve this before President Trump sends Space Force soldiers to be massacred.”

“Your crisis management skills suck,” Claar grumbled.

The Martian Colonial government released a statement denying that they had invaded Bolingbrook.  According to the report, the marines are part of a “peacekeeping mission.”

Part of the statement reads: “We are very concerned about the deteriorating political situation on Earth.  Earth’s collapsing ecosystem and humanity’s meme epidemic is stressing their governmental units to the breaking point.  Even the so-called United States, a government with nuclear weapons, is descending into lawlessness and corruption.  While we have not always agreed with the primitive policies of the Interstellar Commonwealth, we do not want to see any of its members endangered while visiting our solar system.  Our mission is to protect our alien visitors from the primitive natives of Earth.”

An employee at Cox Automotive, which owned the site prior to the invasion, claims he was present when the marines landed:

“A few minutes after I arrived at work, I was surrounded by armed aliens.  Their leader said that  they could have killed me and Roger wouldn’t be able to do anything about it.  Then he—I think it was a he—said that they were here on a peace mission, and that they were going to give me ‘special paper’ for the site.  Then several large crates appeared.  I looked inside, and saw they were full of dollar bills.  They looked real, so I agreed to give them the site.  Turns out, they paid $50.5 million.  Have you ever tried to deposit $50.5 million in cash?”

Sources connected to both Clow UFO Base and the Martian Colonies say the Colonists will build a 100 foot high “peacekeeping compound” on the site.  Troops stationed at the base will “protect” all aliens visiting Clow UFO Base, Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base, and Peotone UFO Base. The colonists will hire 1500 Bolingbrook residents as “supplemental memory storage units.” 

According to one source:  “They believe humans don’t use most of their brains, but that’s not true.

Claar says the invasion is a violation of Interstellar Law and the proposed base is in violation of several village building codes.

“The rule of law still applies in Bolingbrook because I made most of the rules!” said Claar.  

Claar announced that he planned on suing the Martian Colonies in Interstellar Court.  He also promised that any attack against Clow would be resisted:

“Clow can withstand a colonial attack 60 times longer than the average UFO base on Earth can.”

“The average UFO Base can last one-second against a colonial attack,” added Lawler.  “We can last one minute.”

“Which is longer than you’ll last if you don’t shut up!” snapped Claar.

A spokesperson for the Martian Colonies said their claim to Earth predates homo sapiens and therefore they are under no obligation to follow humanity’s laws.

When reached for comment, a receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said: “You are the first candidate for village manager who doesn’t want to sell the Golf Club.”

“Yes.  I think we should give it to the Bolingbrook Park District instead. A village government has no business running—”

“Next!”

Also in the Babbler:

Russia finally hits Bolingbrook with a snow attack
Residents warned to check attics for mold monsters
Werecoyotees canvass for Republican candidates in Chicago
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/21/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own and may not reflect the views of any organizations I am involved with, nor my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

DuPage Township tries to activate its ‘Plague Protocol’ (Fiction)

In response to the global Wuhan Coronavirus outbreak, DuPage Township activated its so-called ‘Plague Protocol.’

“We’ve seen the movies,” said Laura, a township employee who asked that we not use her real name.  “It starts off with locating patient zero.  Then before you know it, the global population is almost zero.  We’re acting now before it gets that bad.”

The protocol was created in 1971, shortly after the release of The Andromeda Strain movie.  This is the first time it has been enacted by the township.

“Back then,” said Laura, “We were worried about a virus from outer space infecting the world.  A couple years ago, we realized that wasn’t going to happen.  The protocol is still useful, and it will help us to survive this impending plague.”

Sources within DuPage Township say they have successfully enacted most of the protocol, like insisting employees cough into their elbows and cleaning desks with disinfectant. Some of the staff claim that a few of the trustees are enforcing the protocol too aggressively.

“I coughed only once,” said Tom, another township employee.  “A second later, (Trustee Ken Burgess) doused my desk with a disinfectant and then wiped my desk with bleach.  He said something about using ‘shock and awe’ against infection.  When I protested, he told me to wear a mask.”

Susan, a volunteer at Boardman Cemetery, claims she had a disturbing conversation with Trustee Dennis Raga:

“He was drawing on a paper map of the cemetery.  I asked him what he was up to.  He said he was trying to figure out how to ‘respectfully’ bury 115,000 people.  Then he added it had nothing to do with President Trump.  He was just planning for the ‘worst case.’  He wouldn’t tell me what it was a worst-case of.”

However, according to anonymous sources, the township is struggling to implement the most important part of the protocol.  The protocol requires the trustees to quarantine themselves into a sealed command center until the plague is eradicated. A sealed command center was built under the Levy Center but was turned into a storage room several years ago.  

The trustees are divided on how to pay to restore the command center.  Trustee Maripat Oliver wants to ask for a grant from the Department of Homeland Security. She also wants them to build a separate chamber for Trustee Alyssia Benford:

“There is no way I am going to be locked into a room with Alyssia!”

Benford, according to the sources, wants former supervisor Bill Mayer to pay for the restoration.  She wants the power to decide who is allowed into the command center:

“I know this is Bill’s fault and you guys helped him to ruin my chance to survive the Corona Beer Virus.  So either you guys do what I say, or I’ll tell the Edgar County Watchdogs that all of you are breaking the law.”

“What law?”  asked Burgess.

“I’ll have to ask the Will County Attorney’s office.  They just hired a staffer to handle all of my questions!”

An unnamed source says Supervisor Felix George is hopeful that he can resolve the dispute soon:

“Felix is telling them that if we act now, DuPage Township could be the only surviving unit of government in Will County left after the plague.  Wouldn’t it be ironic if all the people who want to disband our township died, and we survived?”

A receptionist for the Township said the Trustees were unavailable to comment. She said:

“Let’s put this in perspective.  The number of people worldwide infected by the Coronavirus outbreak is in the thousands.  Influenza has infected 31 million people in the US alone.”

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer,  said: “My billionaire client has taken pity on the Senior Committee.  Leave them alone.”

A woman who sounded like Benford said: “Never! It is my duty to investigate everything this township does because I am required to root out corruption.”

“I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this.  Allen?”

Moments later, a man who sounded like Allen Dershowitz, said: “Actually, you have it all wrong.  The Illinois Constitution requires all politicians to be corrupt.  I just realized that a couple days ago.”

“What?” asked Benford.

“Yes.  So instead of going after these poor senior volunteers, you should be fighting against Governor Pritzker’s blatantly unconstitutional attempt to impose ethics.”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar laughs as Russian snow attack misses Bolingbrook
Experts say global warming could help Lake Michigan’s monster
Russians infiltrate Bolingbrook Politics Facebook group

God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/14/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Guest Opinion: Now get to work (Mixed)

File image of Congressman Sean Casten.

The following is from a Twitter thread posted by Congressman Sean Casten, who represents the Illinois Sixth Congressional District.  We have made minor edits for clarity. The views expressed do not necessarily reflect the views of the Babbler’s editorial staff or of the bloggers on Freethought Blogs:

Let’s take a moment to rise above the shame of the US Senate this week and focus on some larger scale reasons for optimism about our democracy.

Start with that beautiful and always insightful line of Learned Hand: “Liberty lies in the hearts of men (and women). As long as it remains it needs no court, no constitution, no law to defend it.”

If we’ve learned nothing of our country and fellow citizens since 2016, it’s that liberty still lies in the hearts of Americans:

The majority of Americans, after all, voted for Hillary.

And in response to Trump, the majority of Americans didn’t give up. They marched. For women. For science. For our lives. For our democracy. Peacefully. But righteously. And it was that righteous civic action that flipped the House with the biggest (and dare I say, most awesome?) freshman class since Watergate. And it was that righteous civic action that flipped the Virginia legislature, which gave us the final state required to ratify the ERA. And started the process to rejoin RGGI.

Meanwhile, in the House we have not only ended Trump’s legislative agenda, but advanced an agenda that is not just the Democratic party agenda, but the agenda of the American people.

The bills we have passed have the overwhelming support of the American electorate, Ds and Rs alike. Ensuring universal healthcare. Background checks for guns. Dealing with climate change. Campaign finance reform. These things are popular! This isn’t surprising, since the Democratic members of Congress are as diverse as our country. On the obvious metrics (race, gender, sexual preference) but no less significantly in terms of ideology. The fact that you can go from AOC to Joe Manchin and still be in the same party is a testament to a party that reflects the full diversity of the majority of the country. And that diversity only happened because Americans got engaged after Nov ’16.

This point gets lost in all the silly “Dems in disarray” nonsense. Diverse opinions, held by people with the courage to express them is what democracy is all about. Celebrate it!

Now to be sure, there is no equivalent diversity across the aisle. The ideological walk from Steve King to Peter King is not that long. And the fact that they all stay on message is not that surprising. But it’s not how representative government is supposed to work.

And the fact that all that righteous civic action brought about all this change doesn’t mean that 2020 will be a cakewalk. To the contrary, it will be harder. Because the @GOP – a once great party – has been totally captured by a base and donor class whose interests are wildly opposed by the majority of the country. Absent reform, they have no path to retain power that is not based on lies and disenfranchisement. That’s ultimately what the impeachment trial was about: withhold the truth so we can get back to appointing unqualified judges and protecting those who seek to corrupt our democracy.

What’s on the ballot in 2020 is not a contest between Democrats and Republicans. It is a contest between Democracy and kleptocracy. Between the rule of law and the law of the jungle. But here’s the thing: we have nothing to fear from our 300 million fellow Americans. They’re good people. We’ve just seen 3 years of good people, rising up in peaceful defense of this beautiful, 244-year-old experiment.

Our threat is instead from just a few hundred elected @GOP officials. And that’s a battle we can win. Because while there’s hatred here, it’s dumber…and love has got the numbers.

So yes, be angry at those in the Senate who would destroy our democracy rather than alienate their donors. Who would destroy the institution in order to preserve their job. But take greater solace from the fact that they are in the tiny minority. Their power reflects their position, not the will of those they represent.

So back to Learned Hand, in full:

…what is this liberty which must lie in the hearts of men and women? It is not the ruthless, the unbridled will; it is not freedom to do as one likes. That is the denial of liberty, and leads straight to its overthrow.

“The spirit of liberty is the spirit which is not too sure that it is right; the spirit of liberty is the spirit which seeks to understand the minds of other men and women; the spirit of liberty is the spirit which weighs their interest alongside its own without bias; the spirit of liberty remembers that not even a sparrow falls to earth unheeded; the spirit of liberty is the spirit of him who, near two thousand years ago, taught mankind that lesson it has never learned, but has never quite forgotten—that there may be a kingdom where the least shall be heard and considered side-by-side with the greatest.

I’d say that spirit still lies in the American heart. I wouldn’t have gotten this job if it didn’t. That heart is a bit battered and a bit stressed. But for all that, a bit wiser. So take solace today not in our institutions. Because in the final analysis, they won’t save us. Take solace in the liberty in American hearts that still beats strong and is the only thing that ever has saved us.

Now get to work.

Note: Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group

 

Debate between Rep. Foster and Will County Board Member Rachel Ventura at Clow UFO Base sets new attendance record (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Over 100 thousand humans and aliens attended a contentious Democratic Primary debate at Clow UFO Base between Rep. Bill Foster and challenger Rachel Ventura.  It was largest the political gathering ever held at Clow.

Will County Board Member Rachel Ventura (File Photo)

Unlike the subdued debates the two had with the Sun-Times and the Daily Herald, this debate featured cheering sections for both candidates.  Foster’s contingent included a pep band and cheerleaders, while Ventura’s featured a card stunt team and a person wearing an Earth mascot suit.

“Don’t be afraid to show your campaign spirit,” said Master of Ceremonies John Z. Parker.  “We’re not here to learn about their stances.  We’re here for the verbal combat!  So, cheer on your warrior!”

Ventura’s opening statement accused Foster of being a moderate:

“People in the middle of the road get run over.  For nine years, the Republicans have been running over Bill.  If we’re going to save our planet, we need to start running over Republicans before they lead us to extinction.”

Foster’s opening statement included attacks against Ventura:

“I’m starting to wonder if my opponent is addicted to campaigning.  She ran an unsuccessful camping for Joliet City Council.  Then she ran for the Will County Board and won.  Less than a year into her term, she decided to run against me.  If she’s elected to Congress, I wonder if she’ll resist the urge to run for Mayor of Bolingbrook?”

“Okay, Boomer,” replied Ventura.

Later in the debate, the moderator asked the candidates how each felt about the deteriorating relations between Earth and the Martian Colonies since President Trump’s election. Ventura shocked the audience by calling residents of the colonies “Martians.”

“Do you understand that they prefer to call themselves ‘Colonists’?” asked the moderator.

“Yes, and honestly, I don’t care what those pretentious aliens think.  Bill Foster cares more about the hurt feelings of some Martian politician than he cares about the suffering of his constituents.  That’s why I support the Green New Deal.”

Representative Bill Foster (File Photo)

“The Colonies is the most advanced civilization in the galaxy and the most hostile towards humanity,” countered Foster.  “We don’t want to provoke them into annihilating us.  Calling them ‘Martians’ instead of their preferred term, ‘Colonists’ is not only rude but irresponsible.  How would you like it if I said I couldn’t tell the difference between you and a Lactobacillus?”

“10-4 Dinosaur,” replied Ventura.

When the moderator asked both candidates to discuss who has endorsed them, Ventura proudly mentioned former Presidential candidate Marianne Williamson’s endorsement. 

Williamson then astrally projected herself onto the stage:

“Fellow sentient creatures,” announced Williamson.  “I declare this debate over, and Rachel Ventura the winner.  I know she will lead the fight against draconian vaccine requirements, and endlessly investigate the scam of anti-depressant drugs!

“Um,” said Ventura, “You’re not really helping me right now.”

“Oh?  Well, then I’ll just say that all illness is an illusion and the key to universal health care is to dispel the illusion!”

“That doesn’t help either.”

“My fellow sentient creatures!  I am being glib.  Disregard what I just said.”  She then vanished.

Foster chuckled.  “You’re not the only one who’s been endorsed by fringe Presidential candidates.”

Andrew Yang then walked on stage.  After the audience cheered for a minute, he offered to spray whipped cream into Foster’s mouth.  Foster declined.  Yang then endorsed Foster:  “Bill is the co-chair of the Task Force on Artificial Intelligence.  That means he’s the only candidate in this race who understands one of the most important issues of the 21st Century.  Artificial intelligence will affect all Americans, including the residents of the 11th Congressional District.  That is why it would be dumb to vote for anyone other than Bill Foster.”

“Artificial Intelligence?” asked Ventura.  “Oh please!  Both of you are out of touch with the real residents of my district.  That’s why my campaign created a YouTube video making fun of Foster’s A.I. phobia!”

“Rachel, despite all your bluster, you’re just a politician.  Let me break down the math—”

“I’m a mathematician!  Don’t you dare mansplain to me! I’ll break it down for you.  Is AI keeping our families from getting health care?”

Depends.  Doctors can refuse to see patients in order to improve their scores, but AI could also help doctors make quicker diagnoses, and provide personalized treatments.  That would be a benefit to the residents of your district.”

“Will AI stop climate change?”

“AI is an important tool in the fight against climate change.  AI powers climate models and can be used to develop the technologies and techniques that will be needed to fight climate change.  And since you didn’t ask— automation will affect all congressional districts, no matter what Paul Krugman says.  What are you going to say when automated trucks replace truck drivers, and robots replace warehouse workers?”

“I won’t go down the robot rabbit hole.  Our district will only be saved by the Green New Deal!”

“The only thing that will save the world is a Freedom Dividend.”

“Green New Deal!”

“Freedom Dividend!”

After repeating those words for several seconds, Yang was escorted off stage.

Near the end of the debate, both candidates defended their secret society memberships.  Foster is a member of the New World Order, and Ventura is a member of the Illuminati.  Both societies are at war with each other.

“The Illuminati is winning the world against the global order,” said Ventura.  “They are the only hope for our planet.  I look forward to working with AOC and (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) to navigate the chaos and create better communities in our district.  Fnord!”

“Yes the New World Order has flaws,” said Foster.  “But embracing the Illuminati is not the answer.  They are creating chaos and division so they can exploit us.  They don’t want to solve climate change.  They want to exploit it.  If you want a better world after climate change, then vote for me, and I’ll help bring about the right changes at the right pace to get the job done.  Don’t let them divide us.  Let the New World Order unite us.  E Pluribus Unum!”

After the debate, both sides sent representatives to try to spin the interstellar media’s coverage of the debate.

“Bill has always been here for us,” said Will County Board member Jackie Traynere.  “He’s like the doctor who knows what you need, rather than the doctor who will give what you want.  We need more representatives like him.”

“I don’t like Democrats,” said Claar.  “But I love what Rachel’s doing to Bill Foster.”

Many in the audience found the debate entertaining:

“I loved hearing the dueling talking points,” Said Xidoxo, who would not state her home planet.  “Too bad Trump is going to be crowned dictator in a week or so.  He’ll probably arrest the winner of this primary.”

Also in the Babbler:

Russia spares Chicagoland again
Deputy Mayor Lawler accidentally activated Clow self-destruct system
Claar:  I won’t shutdown Bolingbrook because of a coronavirus
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/31/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Web Exclusive: Cory Booker blames Illuminati and New World Order for failed campaign (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Sen. Cory Booker told supporters at Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base that the postponement of the Interplanetary Primary forced him to suspend his campaign. 

“The polls showed that I was going to win in a landslide,” said Booker through a video chat.  “A victory would have allowed me to transfer the funds from my Interstellar Campaign fund to my campaign fund on Earth. Then I could have run enough ads to put me above 3% in the polls!”

Booker next accused both the Illuminati and New World Order of sabotaging his campaign:

“We all knew the Illuminati would try to hack the polling places, and place deceptive ads.  Those billboards on Mercury were the worst.  What we didn’t expect was for the New World Order to give up on my campaign so soon.  As a member of the New World Order—let me be honest here—I feel hurt.  I’ve served the NWO for my entire political career.  I set up my campaign to please them.  I accepted money from Wall Street and the pharmaceutical industry.  I co-sponsored Medicare for All and supported private medical insurance.  I supported legalizing cannabis and banning BDS.  I had just the right mix of policies that should have appealed to everyone.  All I needed was a good solid push from the leadership.  Instead, they panicked when (Sen. Bernie Sanders) defected to the Illuminati.  Instead of supporting my balanced plans, they split their support between (Vice President Joe Biden) and those two billionaires.  How could I compete with that?”

Officially, the Democratic Interplanetary Primary was postponed to March due to hackers threatening to tell the Iowa and New Hampshire Democratic parties that it was going to occur in January.  While delegates selected during the primary can’t vote until the fourth round of delegate voting at the Democratic Convention, it was feared that Iowa and New Hampshire would try to move up their voting dates.

“Heaven forbid if the most diverse electorate in the solar system got to vote ahead of Iowans,” Booker sarcastically said.  

The Interplanetary Primary is only for registered Democrats who live off-world.  Aliens are not permitted to vote in the primary.

Near the end of his speech, a Sanders supporter threw a Molotov cocktail at the screen:

“No more compromises!  No more half-assed solutions!  Vote for Bernie or get burned!”

Security arrested the man.  As they dragged him out, he shouted, “Vote Huffman!  Morrison fights transpeople, not taxes!”

Booker shook his head:  “We can’t let the Illuminati divide us and divide the world.  We have our differences, sure.  But we have to come together if we want to unite humanity and reject the divisive propaganda of the Illuminati.  I’m going to support whoever our leadership selects to bring our message to the American people.  I urge everyone here to do the same.”

After Booker concluded his speech, Sen. Elizabeth Warren appeared on the screen:

“Hi, Cory.  Sorry you had to leave the race like this.  I just wanted to let you know that I have a plan to defeat the Illuminati and get Bernie back on our side.  But I need your help.”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2020! (Fiction)

Once again, it’s time for our council of psychics to prepare our readers for shocking events that will happen in the new year.

Will County Board Member Rachel Ventura

Will Rachel Ventura upset Rep. Bill Foster and become the next AOC in 2020?

Our psychics did an excellent job of predicting 2019.  We predicted Trump’s impeachment while others thought the Democrats lacked the courage to impeach him.  The Edgar County Watchdogs didn’t hold a tent revival, but Supervisor Bill Mayer did resign in 2019, fulfilling one of their demands.  Representative Sean Casten did perform a concert in 2019.

However, Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler didn’t resign, and the village didn’t file for bankruptcy.  The future, however, is unclear and constantly changing.  For all we know, our psychic’s predictions might have prevented these events from happening.  We may never know.

With that in mind, it’s time to see what the year 2020 has in store for us.

***

Former Vice-president Joe Biden will be served a subpoena to testify at Trump’s impeachment trial.  He will be served the summons during a campaign speech, then immediately arrested by Secret Service Agents.

“You didn’t give me a chance to say yes!” Biden will say to the agents.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell will tell the press, “If I have to hear uncomfortable questions about our President, then I should be able to ask Joe uncomfortable questions too.”

The trial will end with a Trump acquittal and Republican talking heads proclaiming that Biden showed “contempt towards Congress.”  

Biden will reply: “Yeah, I have contempt for the members of the Senate for dragging my son and me into this trial.  That doesn’t mean I have contempt for the institution of Congress.  Even my old schoolmate Quaker Ottis could tell the difference, and he wasn’t a bright guy.”

The mainstream media will give “both sides” equal time, even though the Senate will never formally charge Biden with any crime.  Confused voters will turn away from Biden, ending his political career.

***

Mayor Roger Claar will formally announce his retirement and the start of his “farewell tour” during his State of the Village Address.  Many in the audience will be filled with tears as he will talk about his 34 years in office.  

Near the end of the speech, he’ll announce that he will repeal the village’s property tax.  He’ll receive a standing ovation and lots of praise on the Bolingbrook Politics Facebook group.  

However, few will notice that he will actually change the name of the property tax to “Mandatory Village Services Fee.”  Fewer will notice that the new fee will be higher than the old property tax rate.  That will not stop Trustee Michael Carpanzano from promoting Bolingbrook as a “property-tax free village.”

***

There will be several twists and turns before the Iowa Caucuses start.  

The Russians will leak a video of Sen. Amy Klobuchar saying, “I hate Iowa’s football teams.  The Hawkeyes blow and the Cyclones suck.  You know me:  Gopher fan for life!”

When asked about the video during a press conference, Klobuchar will grab a staffer by the ear and say, “Why didn’t you tell me about this video?  Don’t give me that face, or I’ll really make it hurt!”

Billionaires will flood Iowa City and Ames with ads endorsing Sen. Elizabeth Warren thus destroying her credibility with progressive activists.

On caucus night, Sen. Bernie Sanders and Andrew Yang will be tied for first place.  There will be reports of clashes between Yang and Sanders supporters.  This will be highlighted during Yang’s victory speech when a Sanders supporter will throw a chair at Yang.

“Any process that doesn’t make Bernie President is rigged!” the Bernie supporter will yell.

***

Rep. Bill Foster will lose his primary battle to Rachel Ventura, sending shockwaves around the country.  During her victory speech, she will announce her write-in candidacy against Sen. Dick Durbin.

“I have to get to Washington one way or another,” Ventura will say.  “You can’t expect me to sit on the county board while the Earth is burning.”

Mayor Claar will announce the  Roger Claar Mayoral Library, which will be built on the site of Bolingbrook Commons.  Most residents will be happy with the announcement, but some will express concern about the 900-foot statue of Claar that will be built on the site.

“Roger has always cast a shadow over Bolingbrook,” Carpanzano, head of the Roger Claar Mayoral Library Foundation, will say.  “We just want future generations to see that shadow.”

The Village Board will approve the permits for the statue.  Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz will cast the only no vote and be attacked on the Bolingbrook Politics Facebook group.

***

The Bolingbrook Independance (sic) Party will return, led by Bonnie Kurowski-Alicea.  Kurowski-Alicea, who ran for mayor as a write-in candidate in 2009, will run on a platform that calls for banning homeowners associations and abolishing property taxes.

“Roger’s thugs tried to destroy me.  They slandered me in Village Hall.  They forced me to move to Florida.  They thought they could humiliate me in Trademark Court.  They were wrong.  I’m back in Bolingbrook, where I belong, and I’m ready to retake the office that was rightfully mine.  The band is back together, and we’re ready to take on Bolingbrook United, and the First Party for Bolingbrook.  The corrupt will be caged when I’m mayor.”

Days later, former trustee Rick Morales will announce his candidacy for mayor as a member of the Bolingbrook First Party.  Though it would mean a primary challenge against former DuPage Township Trustee Bill Mayer, Morales will say he has no choice but to run:

“Bonnie trashed me for years, and Roger always prevented me from saying what I really feel.  Now Roger won’t be holding me back.  I’m going to reclaim the Bolingbrook First party, and then I’m going to answer all of Bonnie’s false claims.  When I’m done with her, I’ll wipe out Bolingbrook United and show the First Party for Bolingbrook that it’s my turn to be mayor!”

***

After the Presidential election, President Trump and Vladimir Putin will announce a joint US-Russian invasion of Ukraine.  Days after the country falls, both leaders will announce that they “discovered” documents that prove Ukraine interfered in the 2020 election.

Trump will tweet: “The do-nothing Democrats just ruined our country’s perfect election.  So I’m doing something about it!  #Qanontime”

Trump will then order the arrest of President-elect Andrew Yang.  Yang will announce that he has set up a “second White House” and is prepared to run the country from there if necessary.

He will post: “Hey, anyone with half a brain should have expected Trump to try something like this.  Trump probably didn’t expect this:  Any member of the US Armed Forces who stands with me during this crisis will get a Freedom Dividend of $2000 instead of $1000.  #Math”

The year will end with Russian “peacekeepers” heading towards the United States, the military divided, and Claar screaming: “All I wanted to do was retire, and write my memoir!  Now I have to deal with a civil war.  Why did I ever endorse Trump?  Don’t quote me!”

Also in the Babbler:

Happy New Year from the staff of the Babbler
Mayor Claar to claim all of unincorporated Will County to stop legal cannabis sales
Wereskunks urge residents to leave out extra garbage this week
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/1/20