New World Order and aliens throw retirement party for Trustee Jaskiewicz (Fiction)

File photo of Bolingbrook Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz.

By Reporter X

The New World Order and Interstellar Commonwealth representatives hosted a surprise party for outgoing Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  Jaskiewicz, a member of the opposition Bolingbrook United Party, was elected to the Village Board in 2017 as the first opposition trustee in over 30 years.  He decided not to run for reelection in 2021.

“You could have told me,” said a surprised Jaskiewicz.  “I would have prepared a speech.”

Jaskiewicz’s supporters and friends gathered at Bolingbrook United’s embassy, which will soon be converted to the Giamanco Law Partners’ Interstellar Affairs office.  Many embassy staff members thanked Jaskiewicz for his service:

“I was so depressed before you were elected,” said Beth Z. Wilkerson, a Covert Affairs Specialist.  “I loved helping our visitors, but I hated working for (Former Mayor Roger Claar).  Then you hired me and you helped me rediscover my love for covert work.  You cared for Bolingbrook and our guests more than your interstellar campaign fund.  Unfortunately, the voters didn’t replace you, so I’m taking a job at Rob Sherman UFO Base.  It just won’t be the same.”

Losgotus, leader of one of the Martian Colonies, made a rare visit to Earth to personally congratulate Jaskiewicz: “When we heard that Roger allied with President Trump and defected to the New World Order, I wanted to destroy Clow myself.  But when Bolingbrook selected you to serve on the board, I decided to spare Clow.  Your election was a message that not all humans in Bolingbrook were lost to Trumpism, memes, and the pandemic.  You saved Bolingbrook, and I will keep my promise not to destroy Clow for at least ten Earth years.”

Will County Board Member and New World Order representative Jackie Traynere praised Jaskiewicz for being the “People’s trustee.”:

“I know it was hard, Bob, but you represented the residents Roger ignored and belittled.  You fought for garbage toters, while Roger fought for Trump.  You visited residents while Roger visited Cuba. You stood up to the Space Force marines occupying Clow, while Roger bowed before them.  Your term as trustee may be history, but you also made history.  Whenever the First Party tries to gaslight Bolingbrook, we will remember your resistance!  You are irreplaceable, Bob, but Bolingbrook United will go on!”

Jaskiewicz later replied: “I want to thank Jackie for her kind words.  I may be irreplaceable, but I would have happily given my trustee chair to one of our candidates.”

Jaskiewicz thanked the attendees, and shared his favorite memories:  “I’ve seen aliens from all over the universe, but the most amazing thing I saw was the look on Roger’s face at the Pathway’s Parade when we marched past him with a garbage toter.”

He then warned the crowd that dark days could be ahead for the New World Order:  “As we speak, QAnon and her followers are trying to steal President Biden’s Arizona victory.  The Illuminati’s operatives are infiltrating the Democratic Party as we speak.  If Bill Gates’ idiocy doesn’t undermine our efforts to control COVID, the Anti-vaccination death cult will.  Unfortunately, we can’t forget about Donald Trump.  He may be out of the Illuminati, but he’s still dangerous.”

Jaskiewicz announced that he would be moving out of Bolingbrook to join the “Cat Koin” project.  

“I won’t miss Roger’s attacks, (Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta’s) blowing me off, or Trustee Michael Carpanzano’s passive-aggressive positivity.  But I will miss all the great residents that made me proud to call Bolingbrook my home.  Bolingbrook is proof that E pluribus unum works!”

When Jaskiewicz finished talking, some aliens started chanting: “Whoomp! Jaskiewicz!”  Jaskiewicz laughed and replied: “Sorry, I can’t rap.”

Alexander-Basta could not be reached for comment.  On a video call, her receptionist wished Jaskiewicz the best and looked forward to “four debate-free years in village hall.”

In the background, covert social media operative Charlene Spencer and Trustee-elect Troy Doris were sitting at a table.

Spencer said: “So we have a former mayor who not only supported Trump but raised money for him and other Republicans.  We have the current mayor who accepted an award from the same representative who gave an award to the Reverend Sun Myung Moon.  We have a supporter who almost started a fight with Black Lives Matter protesters behind village hall.  And we have a trustee who not only attended a fundraiser for Donald Trump but posed with him wearing a Trump tie.  It sounds very partisan and weird to me, but they insist they’re not strange or partisan.  Insist!  Yes, and I haven’t even touched on their great garbage debate.  Bolingbrook’s garbage collection used to be paid out of the village’s general fund, but last year they started charging residents directly.  Some residents ended up paying more, and, unlike most Chicago suburbs, Bolingbrook residents are not allowed to rent or buy garbage toters.  The opposition parties campaigned against this new arrangement.  One even called it a ‘garbage tax!’  How did the First Party respond? They said it’s not a tax!  It’s a fee!  So that makes it okay, and if you call it a tax, you’re a liar! I guess taxes are terrible and fees are fine.  You know, the more I research Bolingbrook, the more confused I get.  So tonight, we’re joined by First Party member Troy Doris, who will try to make sense of this for us.  Trustee Doris, you’ve been listening to me talk for the past 20 minutes.  Have I said anything wrong, or even slightly misleading?”

Doris dropped his jaw and blankly stared at Spencer for several moments.  He finally said: “You’re right.  I should be interviewed by Brian Williams instead of Rachel Maddow.  I need to master the short jump before attempting the sextuplet jump.”

Also in The Babbler:

New World Order and Illuminati agree not to put tracking devices in COVID vaccines
Blurry photos of Bonnie taken in Bolingbrook
Wereskunks organize summer garbage festivals in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/4/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

‘Snow Command: Bolingbrook’ video series to debut on YouTube (Fiction)

According to anonymous sources in Village Hall, a dramatic series, based on Bolingbrook’s Snow Command, will debut on YouTube next month. 

The synopsis for “Snow Command: Bolingbrook” states: “Alexandra, a young brilliant leader, is assigned to Bolingbrook’s new Snow Command team. Her team of young and diverse snow fighters must work together to fight record snowfalls to keep the greatest village in Illinois operating.  But enemies from Cook County and within the team threaten to divide the team as merciless storms threaten to bury Bolingbrook under feet of snow.  Will Alexandra lead her team to victory or will the united efforts of their selfish foes bring down Bolingbrook?”

According to the sources, the series is being produced by “top California talent,” and funded by the Citizens for Bolingbrook political action committee, run by former Mayor Roger Claar.

A source within CFB confirmed the existence of the series and defended the decision to produce it:  “TV ads are limited in their ability to persuade voters.  A TV series is another matter.  Just research the CSI Effect!  If we can make Bolingbrook’s Snow Command popular, and if viewers confuse the main character with (Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta), she’ll win the consolidated election!”

The Babbler obtained a trailer for the series. It features scenes of snowplows digging out residential homes, and rescuing stranded motorists.  Alexandra makes statements like: “I don’t care if you’re tired.  I don’t care if your family misses you.  If we don’t keep the streets clear, there won’t be a Bolingbrook.”  

In another scene, a woman who resembles Jackie Traynere, Will County Board member, and mayoral candidate, says: “My team uses Cook County salt, and it’s good enough for me.”  

Alexandra replies: “It’s not good enough for Bolingbrook!”

Another scene shows a man yelling at Alexandra about a snowplow destroying his mailbox and blocking his neighbor’s driveway.  She replies: “What’s one mailbox and one driveway compared to the accessibility of Boughton Road?”

In the final scene, an African-American member of the team is in a Zoom chat with a woman from Florida.

Woman:  When their GPS trackers go down, block off Village Hall!

Man:  But Alexandra said we have to keep Village Hall open.

Woman:  Are you going to do what she says, or are you going to be an independent man and do what I tell you to do?

Neither  The First Party for Bolingbrook nor  Bolingbrook United would return requests for comments. 

A person from the Bolingbrook Independent Voices said the party would respond once the series premiered:  

“We hope it honors the brave drivers who keep the streets of our diverse community accessible.”

In the background, Sheldon Watts walked up to covert social media operative Charline Spencer and said: “Charlene, did you create sock puppet trolls for Alyssia Benford’s slate?”

“Not now, Sheldon.  I’m auditioning a new campaign surrogate.  We need reinforcements if we’re going to overtake Jackie.”

“Is that Steve Schmidt?”

“Yep.  Thanks to the collapse of the Lincoln Project, we can get him at a steep discount.  Let me put him on speaker.”

On-screen, a man who looked like Schmidt said: “—of his condescending attitude towards Sheldon.  Roger thinks teenagers don’t require supervision.  If he really believes that then Roger has never raised a teenager.”

“Does he know?” asked Watts.

“Yep,” Spencer replied.

“That means—Oh my!  Sweet Jesus, forgive me for almost taking Your name in vain. Charlene, he can’t say that.  It’s not true.”

“No.  You can’t say that because it’s false.  He can say anything he wants if it helps us win.”

“That’s not right.”

“The man who sounded like Schmidt concluded:  “The party that should be the first to disavow his taint is, in reality, the party that is dependent on his tainted money.”

“Is he reading a script?” asked Watts.

“Let’s find out.   Hey, Steve.  There’s a burning question most Bolingbrook residents have:  Mora or Nancy’s Pizza?  What’s the correct answer?”

“The real burning question is which party is the party of Bolingbrook’s future.  The First Party acts like a ruling party, but it is ruled by a political wing of the insurrectionists, better known as the Republican Party. In Bolingbrook, it is controlled by the treasonous Roger Claar.  That leaves only two parties with serious visions for the future.  Both parties are running serious, quality candidates.  But if you want a party that will continue the centrist policies that made Bolingbrook great without chaining itself to the authoritarian party of Trump — and believes Bolingbrook’s diverse population should be empowered to make decisions, and not treated like props in a Roger Claar commercial—  then your only choice is Bolingbrook Independent Voices.”

“We’ll get back to you Steve,” said Spencer.

“I’ll be waiting,” Schmidt replied.  “Republican campaigns have disowned me, and Democratic—and I said the right word, ‘democratic.’  The Democratic campaigns don’t trust me.  But it was—”

Spencer disconnected.

Watts said: “Oh how the mighty have fallen.”

Also in the Babbler:

It’s not too late to donate to Freethought Blogs’ legal defense fund
Bolingbrook issues snow snake alert
Weredogs celebrate Bolingbrook’s moratorium on puppy sales
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/17/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Sources: Village of Bolingbrook recorded mock ‘Insurrection Alert’ video (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Election 2021: A Bolingbrook Babbler Special ReportThe Village of Bolingbrook produced a “special edition of Community Matters” as part of their recent “insurrection drill.”

The video, provided by people with relatives connected Bolingbrook Community Television, simulated a live broadcast intended to warn residents of an impending “insurrection.”  Actors portrayed all the village offices on the program, including Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta.

In the video, the actress portraying Alexander-Basta warned residents about an impending insurrection against Bolingbrook:

“I’m sorry to interrupt the rebroadcast of the 2016 Allied Forces concert, but this is more important than rocking out to Triumph covers.  I’ve received reliable intelligence that two militant factions are determined to seize Village Hall and install an unapproved mayor!  These irresponsible fanatics are threatening over thirty years of political stability.  I need the help of all real residents to defeat these dangerous foes and keep Bolingbrook first!”

An actor portraying Police Chief Michael Rompa provided more details:

“The insurrectionists are currently recruiting fighters.  We expect the first attacks against Mayor Mary and half the village trustees to begin on March 22nd.  These small attacks will just be warmups for the final attack on April 6.

Later in the video, the Alexander-Basta and Rompa actors stood near Boughton Road.  The actress portraying Alexander-Basta held a “First Party for Bolingbrook” sign. The two conversed:

Alexander-Basta actress: Every two years, we post signs like this on public right-of-ways to remind residents of the names of some of their legitimate leaders.This is what a real sign looks like.  I’ve received reliable intelligence that the insurrectionists will be posting fake signs like the ones our police chief is holding.

(Rompa actor holds up Bolingbrook United and Bolingbrook Independent Voices signs with the names blacked out.)

Alexander-Basta actress: Chief Rompa, what should residents do if they see one of these fake signs? Should they throw them out?

Rompa actor: Absolutely not.They could be booby trapped.  Instead, call the Public Works Department.They have a team that specializes in removing fake signs.

Alexander-Basta actress: And if a resident sees a sign on private property?

Rompa actor: Then that resident should dial (Number redacted).Our investigators will handle the situation.

The video concluded with the Alexander-Basta actress urging residents to stay at home, avoid social media, and await instructions from the village.

“Together, we will keep Bolingbrook first!”

A source close to Village Hall confirmed the authenticity of the video but insisted that it will never be broadcast:

“After the Department of Homeland Security released their domestic terrorism advisory, we wanted to make sure we could use BCTV to inform residents about any threats to the village. This video is proof that we can.  That’s all it is.”

A spokesperson for the real Alexander-Basta contacted the Babbler via Skype video call and stated:

“Do you really think The First Party for Bolingbrook would try to pass off the Consolidated Election as an insurrection?  We would never do that because we’re not afraid of the residents of Bolingbrook.  Just watch Mayor Mary talk to this constituent, and tell me she has to resort to Chicago-style trickery.”

The spokesperson then turned the camera towards Alexander-Basta, who was wearing a mask and a face shield.  She looked at a video doorbell.

“Sir, I’m on my way to Bolingbrook Snow Command, but I decided to stop by your house to hear any comments you might have for me, the Mayor of Bolingbrook.”

“What happened to Roger?” replied a male voice.                                                                                  

“He retired and choose me to be his successor.”

“Great!  So when are you going to repeal his garbage tax?”

“Sir, Bolingbrook doesn’t have a garbage tax.  That’s—”

“Then what the (expletive deleted) have I been paying all these months?”

“That’s the garbage fee.  Fees are not taxes.”

“The government still gets my money!  What’s the difference?”

“Taxes are terrible.  Fees are fine.  That’s the difference.”

Also in the Babbler:

Russians launch second snow attack against Illinois
Acting Mayor Mary skips mayoral debate to attend Bigfoot Zoom Conference
Clow UFO Base crew fully vaccinated against COVID
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/3/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2021! (Fiction)

Will Representative Bill Foster save Congress in 2021? (File Photo)

It’s that time of year when the Babbler’s Council of Psychics announces its predictions for the new year.  Normally, they’re extremely accurate, but many readers have pointed out that our psychics didn’t predict the COVID-19 pandemic.

Many psychics didn’t predict the pandemic and are trying to hide behind post hoc rationalizations of their predictions.  Our psychics, however, admit that they didn’t foresee the pandemic.  They are still trying to figure out how they missed something that, to date, has killed nearly 2 million people globally, crashed the global economy, and altered our daily lives.  The council won’t hide behind the fact that pollsters were also off in 2020.  Instead, they apologize for their massive pre-cognition failure and strive to do a better job this year.  

Still, our psychics did correctly predict unrest in the United States, the impeachment and acquittal of President Donald Trump, a disputed Iowa Caucus, Mayor Roger Claar’s retirement, the return of activist Bonnie Kurowski to Bolingbrook’s political scene, and President Trump’s attempt to overturn the 2020 election.

So what do our psychics think will happen in 2021?

1

The Bolingbrook Election Board, consisting of Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta, Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler, and Acting Village Clerk Martha M. Barton, will hold a hearing on disputed nomination petitions for the 2021 municipal election.  Alexander-Basta will ask the village attorney if it is legal for the board to only have members of the First Party for Bolingbrook.  The attorney will reply that under Illinois law, it is legal. 

Alexander-Basta will then say: “Okay!  Let’s cut to the chase!  You’re off the ballot.  You’re off the ballot.  You’re off the ballot.  Every defendant is off the ballot!”

The board will unanimously approve the resolution.  As they start to leave, the lawyer for the First Party for Bolingbrook will ask if they were joking.  Lawler will say no because he wanted to spend time with his grandchildren.  The lawyer will remind the board that their ruling removed all the First Party candidates because there were objections filed against them too.

“Oops,” Lawler will reply.

When Will County Clerk Lauren Staley Ferry hears that she will have to manage an all write-in race for Bolingbrook’s village board, her screams will be heard as far north as Naperville.

2

Thousands of armed militias and QAnon supporters will attack Washington D.C. while a joint session of Congress counts the Electoral College’s votes.  While chanting, “burn the swamp,” they will burn down the White House.  Oddly enough, the White House will be empty and unguarded at the time.

Despite Vice-President Mike Pence’s stalling, both chambers will declare Vice-President Joe Biden and Sen. Kamala Harris the official winners of the 2020 election.  The protesters will surround the Capitol Building and demand Trump be anointed President.  Thanks to quick thinking by Representative Bill Foster and Representative Sean Casten, the legislators are able to tunnel their way to safety.

Foster will say, “I designed the drilling laser.  Sean built it.  That’s why we need scientists in Congress!”

3

A B-2 stealth bomber will crash into Bolingbrook Golf Club’s course.  There will be no civilian casualties, but the course will be unplayable due to radioactive contamination.

It will be revealed that the crew chose to deliberately crash the plane rather than obey Trump’s order to drop a nuclear bomb on Indianapolis.  Trump issued the order in retaliation for Pence failing to overturn the election in Congress.

Trump’s cabinet will finally use the 25th Amendment to remove Trump.

Harris will say, “Better late than never.”

Biden will promise not to hold “this unfortunate incident” against Republicans and will spend time attacking the more liberal members of the Democratic Party.

The Village of Bolingbrook will sell the Golf Club to the Federal Government, which will turn the area into a memorial to “those who fought against the enemies of freedom, both domestic and foreign.”

“See,” Trustee Michael Carpanzano will say, “The village profited from the Golf Club.  Yes, it did take several years and the tragic sacrifice of a brave air crew, but the First Party came through in the end.  That’s why you should never question our decisions!”

4

 Bolingbrook will celebrate the end of COVID-19 restrictions by hosting a Nickelback concert.

“I don’t care if Nickelback is performing,” a resident will say.  “I just want to hear live music!”

5

Former atheist activist David Silverman will move to Bolingbrook and announce his candidacy for Governor of Illinois:

“I fought God and now I’m going to fight Illinois’ corrupt political machine!”

He will, however, spend most of 2021 fighting with his homeowners’ association over placing a billboard on top of his house:

“If religious residents of Bolingbrook are allowed to virtue signal with their churches and mosques, then I should be allowed to (expletive deleted) signal with my billboards!  Free speech is under attack and I’m going to fight back whether you like it or not!  So shut up and give me your money!”

6

To the surprise of many Trumpsters, President Biden will still be alive at the end of his first year in office:

“It’s been a hard year.  The government is still shut down. McConnell’s Senate won’t approve any of my cabinet nominees.  Florida only recognizes Trump as the President, and QAnon complains every time I eat pizza.  But I have faith that our country will pull through these dark times, and some Republicans will come around and work with me.”

Also in the Babbler:

Anti-alien protesters arrested outside of Clow UFO Base
Werecoyotes spotted in Palatine
Weredogs endorse Bolingbrook United’s slate
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/30/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

(Link) Trump will leave but…(Non-fiction)

With Trump’s refusal to concede, his moves at the Pentagon, and ridiculous allegations of voter fraud, there’s a lot of speculation that Trump is plotting a coup.

Personally, I tend to side more with Amanda Marcotte’s view that Trump will fail to stay in office, but his talk and actions are still dangerous:

Coups are hard, and they tend to fail. Donald Trump and a bunch of Nunes toadies sure aren’t organized and focused enough to pull it off in the face of nearly insurmountable obstacles.

Trump will be slinking out of the White House in about nine weeks. But that doesn’t mean his reality TV-style failed coup isn’t dangerous. It’s very much is — because Trump is pushing his already vitriolic and authoritarian followers further down the path towards rejecting democracy entirely.
In 2016, I initially didn’t think Trump would win, but I was worried about a Trump 2.0 running in 2020.  Someone who would lay off Twitter.  Someone who would say the right things to military leaders instead of remaining silent while Russia places a bounty on US Troops.  Someone who could say the hateful things Trump says but have better management skills and a team to better implement his bigotry.
Instead of a near miss, we got Trump, and Trump did considerable damage.  Even I couldn’t imagine how he’d bungle a pandemic.  And he’s not done.
As Marcotte writes, Trump promotes the idea that votes for anyone who is not part of his Republican party are illegal.  That because most Democratic voters live in urban areas, and many are non-white. Therefore Democrats aren’t “real” Americans.  His supporters may talk about freedom and democracy, but what they’re really promoting is authoritarianism.
The voters defeated Trump, and, due to a lack of planning, Trump won’t be able to stay in office past January 20.  But he can create a huge mess for Biden in the government and create more misery by ignoring the COVID-19 pandemic as it flares up again.  Combine this with the Republicans holding the Senate, and probably of a Trump 2.0 being elected in 2024 increases.  And this person might be much harder to organize against than Trump.
Trump might be out of office next year, but I’m concerned that his actions during the lame-duck session will have dangerous consequences for the US and the rest of the world.

Village of Bolingbrook defies Trump’s order to demolish Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

File photo of a UFO over Bolingbrook.

Despite an executive order from Donald Trump, the Village of Bolingbrook has chosen to spare Clow UFO base from destruction.

“We’re sorry the President lost,” said Donna K. Smith, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “But our pity does not give Trump the authority to order the destruction of Clow UFO Base.”

According to Smith, normally a scuttle order can only be jointly issued by the Mayor, the Mayor Emeritus, and a representative of the Illuminati.  Since Clow is currently operating under the “Doomsday Operation Procedures”(DOP),  only the acting commander and a representative of the Interstellar Commonwealth can order the destruction of Clow.

Smith continued: “(Former Mayor Roger Claar) placing Clow under DOP is yet another example of his genius, and why residents should continue to listen to him.”

As reported by video recordings transmitted from Clow, Trump summoned the crew of Clow and the Village Board for a video meeting.  Trump announced that he had fired First Lady Melania Trump as the head of US UFO Base Operations.  Trump said he was very disappointed in Bolingbrook:

“I asked nicely, ‘Please move your Golf Club.’  Roger said no.  I asked again.  Whatshername said she would get back to me.  She never did.  Then your residents voted against me.  Yes, I’m mad, but I’m a reasonable person.  So your Golf Club can stay put, but your base has to go!”

Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta left the room.  Trustee Sheldon Watts stood and denounced Trump:

“You tainted Roger’s legacy. COVID-19 is running rampant in Bolingbrook because of your incompetence!  Residents are unemployed because you won’t deal with the virus.  You’re trampling on democracy by refusing to concede.  Now you want to destroy Bolingbrook’s interstellar economy because you’re mad!  Well, I’m mad at you.  Mad at the Cook County Democrats, and mad at Roger!  On behalf of the independent voices of Bolingbrook, I’m saying no.  No to you, no to (Illinois House Speaker Michael Madigan), and no to (Will County Board member Jackie Traynere)!”

Alexander-Basta walked back in and said: “Nice speech Sheldon, but let’s hear from someone who matters.”

Co-Administrator Ken Teppel walked into the room and announced: “We’re not destroying Clow UFO Base because President-Elect Biden just overruled you.”

“Fake news! I won many states!  I declared myself the winner.”

“Maybe, but Joe outranks you in the Illuminati, so I’m listening to him.”

“Sleepy Joe is a member of the New World Order.”

“Yeah, but due to a big oversight, he’s also a member of the Illuminati, and it’s too late to remove him.  Plus, the Global Master Councilor likes the chaos opportunities a Biden Presidency can create.  So he’s staying put and we’re not destroying Clow.”

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like Trustee Watts, said: “I just declared my candidacy for Mayor of Bolingbrook.”

“I’m sorry,” said a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta.

“Sorry?”

“Once you’ve been ripped apart by Roger’s campaign fund, Roger’s political action committee, the Something First Something Bolingbrook Something Party, and Bolingbrook United, your reputation will be ruined.”

“Nonsense!  I will win by representing the independent voices of Bolingbrook!”

“Just because your new party has the word “Independent” in its name, doesn’t mean it’s independent.  In fact, I’m going to have so much fun pointing out that your biggest donor so far is a Cook County Democrat and a political ally of (Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot.)”

Willie Wilson doesn’t count as a Cook County Democrat!”

Also in the Babbler:

Trustee Watts survives Illuminati’s ‘Rite of the Phoenix’
Alien freezer accidentally dropped on Bolingbrook home
WeatherTech denies its working on a secret patriotic-themed PPE contest
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/13/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Overtime! A Bolingbrook Babbler Special 2020 Election Report (Fiction)

Representative Bill Foster

Rep. Bill Foster, a member of the New World Order, easily defeated his Illuminati opponent in the 2020 election.

From Reporter X:  While the local mainstream is focused on the results of the 2020 Election, here are the stories they missed:

1. Space Force leaves Bolingbrook to ‘stand up and fight back’ for Trump

Overnight, Space Force troops destroyed their base in Bolingbrook and texted the village managers that they were permanently leaving Bolingbrook.

“Space Force’s 1st Space Force High Border Wall Battalion is redeploying, as per President Trump’s new orders.  We will stand up and fight back against the enemies of our President.”

Donna K Smith, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, said the village did not receive advance notice of the Space Force’s departure:

“After we received the text message from Space Force, our team of investigators found a hole in the ground and residents who were asking too many questions.  I’m happy to report that we filled the hole and fixed the memories of some residents.  Space Force can expect to receive our bill in the next week.  We hope they don’t force us to hire a collection agency.”

2. Fifteen arrested after ‘Oberweising’ McHenry County Clerk’s office

What was supposed to be a peaceful protest in support of Congressional Candidate Jim Oberweis, ended in a brawl and 15 arrests:

“We wanted to support them,” said a deputy who asked to remain anonymous.  “We all want Jim Oberweis to win against (Representative Lauren Underwood).  But they were so disruptive in the end, we had no choice.  But don’t worry.  We’re not going to charge any of them with attempted manslaughter for not wearing face masks.”

Initially, the protesters peacefully slurped drinks from a nearby Oberweis Dairy Store to express their displeasure at the close vote count between Underwood and Oberweis.  One protester described their action as “Oberweising” and hoped it would catch on among conservative activists.

The protest became violent when they couldn’t agree on a chant.  Some wanted to chant “stop the count” because Oberweis currently has the most votes.  Others wanted to chant “Count the Vote” because they feel Oberweis will get more votes as mail-in ballots arrive.

“We have to stop counting because the Cook County Democrats are flooding our district with fake ballots!” said one protester.

“Shut up Normie!” replied another protester.  “The Libtards are throwing away Republican votes.  We have to make sure they’re counted.”

Neither side provided proof of their allegations and started brawling instead.  That forced the deputies to make arrests.  All 15 were released after spending an hour in jail.  Mysteriously, no charges were filed, and there is no record of the arrests.

Oberweis denied any knowledge of the protest:  “I don’t care about fake news.  I care about splitting up Illinois—I mean serving the legal residents of Illinois.”

3. Interstellar court dismisses lawsuit to throw out Illinois election results

Despite Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar shouting, the Clow UFO Base Court of Extraterrestrial Affairs in the 109,298,291 Circuit refused to invalidate Illinois’s election.

“‘Michael Madigan’ is not a sufficient reason to throw out several million valid ballots,” said Judge Kilos Sturgon.

Claar responded with an unprintable comment, and added:  “Do I need to bring in (Will County Chief Judge Richard C. Schoenstedt) to educate you?”

“Maybe he can educate you about the concept of showing contempt towards the court.  You wouldn’t like my teaching style.”

Sturgon laughed at the proposed remedy of having President Donald Trump appoint all elected officials in Illinois and Illinois’s Electoral College delegates.

‘Don’t laugh at me,” countered Claar.  “Illinois has disenfranchised Trump supporters for years.”

“Do you know what that word means?”

“It means whatever will help my President.”

“Try enjoying your retirement for a change,” said Sturgon before dismissing the lawsuit.

Melisa Quinones, a lawyer representing an anonymous resident of Bolingbrook, praised the dismissal:  “The residents of Illinois made it clear they have a thirst for voting.  Ruling in favor of Roger would have been the equivalent of pouring sand down their throats.  Voting is like water, and Illinois residents need water— Just not at outrageous rates.”

4. Illuminati forces Jeanne Ives to wear the ‘shoes of shame’

After Jeanne Ives failed to unseat Representative Sean Casten, the Illuminati sentenced her to wear the “shoes of shame” for one week.

“Our operatives risked their lives for your campaign,” said Master Councilor Lev.  “You wasted their time posting ugly signs.  You spent more time complaining about state officials than you did running against Sean.  Do you even know what office you were running for?”

 “Of course,” replied Ives.  “I was running to be (Governor J.B. Pritzker’s) boss.  I was so looking forward to firing him.”

“Wrong is too weak a word to describe your thinking.”

Ives was offered a chance to apologize for her failure but refused.

“I’d rather be wrong than wearing a mask in fear of the Chinese virus.  Would you like a patch?”

For the next week, Ives will have to wear a pair of glow in the dark yellow tennis shoes with bells.   Ives, however, says she is not concerned:  “I only ran for Congress to keep my name in the news.  They’re making a big deal out of nothing.  They’ll come around when I run for Governor.  Or President.  Whatever will put me in charge of Illinois, that’s what I’ll run for.”

When reached for comment, Casten replied, “I’m happy the voters sent me back to Washington, but it won’t be the same.  Some of my friends won’t be back, the Squad gained more members, and I’ll have to listen to QAnon members make vile accusations against me.”

5, Trustee Jaskiewicz rescued from the Hidden Lakes Monster

Village workers rescued Bolingbrook Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz hours after the Hidden Lakes Monster captured his submersible pod.

“I’m fine,” said Jaskiewicz.  “The monster is fine too.  Who thought it was a good idea to put a submarine in Hidden Lakes?”

According to anonymous village employees, on Election Night, the village trustees were sent to secure locations in case of election-related violence.  Jaskiewicz was assigned to hide inside a submersible pod under Hidden Lakes.  Hidden Lakes is also the home of the Hidden Lakes Monster.  It’s the smallest body of water known to have a lake monster.

“We thought the monster was in hibernation,” said an employee.  “I guess the warm weather, and the excitement of election day woke it up.”

After Jaskiewicz’s pod was placed into Hidden Lakes, the half duck half sea serpent creature wrapped itself around the pod and pulled it into the deepest part of the lake.

“Sure,” said the employee.  “Most of Hidden Lakes is shallow and was once a trout farm.  But certain areas are up to a mile deep.  That’s where the creature hides, and why it took us a while to find Bob.”

Once found, divers lured the monster away from the pod with birdseed.  Then they were able to raise the pod to the surface.

“There’s still a risk of violence related to the election,” said Jaskiewicz.  “Some politicians should know better.  Anyway, this time I’m going to be sheltering in a safe place, rather than the bottom of Hidden Lakes.”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Village of Bolingbrook tells residents not to be afraid to vote (Fiction)

An alleged PSA from the Village of Bolingbrook to calm residents’ fears of voting during the 2020 election.

By Reporter X

Despite concerns about election day chaos and violence amid a pandemic, Village of Bolingbrook officials insist it is safe to vote this week:

“We’re going the extra light year,” said Dena Z. DeProsse, a spokesperson for the Department of Interstellar Affairs. “Aliens are still banned from abducting residents, the reptoids are staying underground, and our wereskunks promise not to spray voters.  Be assured, it will be safe for our residents to vote this year.”

While there was concern that Space Force pilots based in Bolingbrook might try to shoot down UFOs delivering absentee votes from other planets, Will County Clerk Lauren Staley Ferry confirmed that those ballots have already been processed:

“We got the ballots.  Sorry you won’t be able to write about dogfights over Joliet, but everything is under control!  Are we done?  Because I’m kind of busy right now.”  

In the background, a person said: “The Russians, Iranians, and Chinese are fighting each other to hack our servers.  They’re canceling each other out right now, but it’s only—”

Babbler” replied Ferry.  

“Oh (expletive deleted)!”

“I’ll take care of it.  You call Charlene and tell her that I’ll ask DuPage Township to reassess her property tax value if she doesn’t call off her friends.  As for you, tell your readers not to worry about anything except Republican Judges deliberately throwing out Democratic ballots.  It’s going to be an interesting election!”

Bolingbrook Antifa released a statement saying they would protect voters as well: “Fascism won’t be stopped by thin blue lines.  It is stopped by people standing up for democracy.  We’ll keep the fascists out of your voting booth.  Please do your part to vote them out of office!”

Will County residents can find their voting information at  https://www.thewillcountyclerk.com/elections/

DuPage County Residents can find their voting information at https://www.dupageco.org/election/

The Babbler will post an ‘Election 2020 Special Edition‘ on our web site following election day.

Also in the Babbler:

Editorial:  People died for our democracy. Vote to defend it
Bolingbrook denies building permit for Church of COVID
Weredogs vow to protect polling places
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Biden addresses hostile Space Force troops in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Former Vice President Joe Biden received a hostile reception during a surprise visit to Space Force Troops stationed in Bolingbrook.

“Lock her up!” yelled many of the soldiers in unison.

“Is that supposed to be an insult?” asked Biden during his address.

Lieutenant Colonel Blake Z. Baker, the commander of the 1st Space Force High Border Wall Battalion, replied: “It’s what the soldiers are trained to say to anyone (President Donald Trump) doesn’t approve of.”

According to anonymous sources, Biden contacted Baker and demanded to address the troops.  When Baker refused, Biden presented documents proving he was a member of the Illuminati.  Baker then pointed out that Biden is an active member of the New World Order, and therefore couldn’t be a member of the Illuminati.

“Give me a break,” replied Biden.  “I believe in bipartisanship and in dual secret society memberships.  I fought the Trump Mayor to a draw over this, but it was really no contest.  Here’s the deal:  You let me address the troops, and my illuminated friend Pop-Tart won’t tell Donald about your Ukrainian friend.”

Baker hastily gathered the troops, upsetting many.

“I was practicing tear gas skills when we got the call,” said Private Carl V. Drake.  “I was about to set the record for gassing an apartment—I mean an enemy hive.  Now I can’t wait to vote for Trump.”

In his speech, Biden reminded the soldiers that all branches of the military serve the country, not the President:

“Our country is great because of our professional military.  They know their job is to protect our country from enemies outside the US.  When a country’s military gets involved in politics, it gets ugly.  I mean really ugly!  We’re talking coups, assassinations, and dropping dissidents from helicopters.”

“What’s wrong with that?”  yelled a heckler.

“Come on, man!  Do I really need to tell you?”

Biden later said that he expected all branches to respect the results of the November election.  He added that if Trump loses and refuses to leave office, he would order all military branches to respect his command and send soldiers to drag Trump out of the oval office.

The soldiers booed then chanted: “Submit!  Don’t resist!”

 “Look,” replied Biden.  “I understand you’ve been brainwashed by Trump.  You think you’re nothing without your Space Force uniform.  But here’s the deal:  I consider all of you part of the military.  Once Trump is out of office, you’ll come to your senses and embrace bipartisanship.  It’ll be just like the old days, only better.  Am I right?”

“Eight more years!”  chanted the soldiers.

Biden turned to Baker.  “You’re coaching them aren’t you?”

“I’d get out of here if I was you.”

“I was going to leave anyway.  Just remember not to interfere when the interplanetary absentee ballots are delivered to Earth.”

“It is our responsibility to destroy any fake ballots and kill those who threaten us.  MAGA!”

After Biden left the base, a campaign staffer, who asked to remain anonymous, defended the speech:

“Trump is lying about Biden being weak and alone.  Today he addressed a hostile group of elite killers.  I mean soldiers.  That proves that Joe is tough enough to rebuild our country and stand up to the “squad” and appease Republicans.  I’m sure this will win us the moderate UFO believer vote!”

Also in the Babbler

ASPCA investigates Carnival of Curiosity
Bolingbrook Temple of Set endorses Trump
Wereskunks rename sacred trash pile to honor former Mayor Roger Claar
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/18/2020

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Web Exclusive Guest Opinion: A FEW THOUGHTS ON 9/11 AND OUR CURRENT MOMENT

File image of Congressman Sean Casten.

By Congressman Sean Casten (IL06)

This guest opinion is based on a twitter thread posted on 9/11/20. He is a member of the Congressional Freethought Caucus.
I grew up in the NYC suburbs in the 1980s. I wasn’t living there in 2001, but still had lots of friends and family in the area. A good family friend was on flight 93. He was, among other things a pilot. We’d like to believe he had some heroic role in those final moments given his training.
I was working in MA at the time and was in the process of training a new sales rep when we were interrupted with news that “a small plane” hit one of the towers. It seemed insignificant, in the way that breaking news sometimes does. Of course, the news moved quickly and (by completely random coincidence) the power went out in our office. Caused by a line worker in our office park, but felt like the beginning of a national disaster. We sent everyone home. I called my wife who was on her way to grad school and told her I had no idea what was going on, but to get home. We met and watched TV for the rest of the day.
There is nothing heroic in my story, but for the universality of it. Our day was like everyone else’s in the country – and the world. We were panicked, heartbroken, confused, saddened, angry… and yet united by our common humanity.
And the day was a mix of almost absurd specificity (my friend on flight 93) and global generality (who did this? Why?) Even if you didn’t know anyone who died on 9/11, the nature of the event made it personal. This story from Esquire captures that vibe almost perfectly: https://www.esquire.com/news-politics/a48031/the-falling-man-tom-junod/
Now to the current moment. We’ve lost more Americans to COVID-19 this week than we lost on 9/11. Each of the 192,000+ we have lost is also a very specific person with friends, neighbors and loved ones who had plans. Who may or may not have been heroic in their final moments. But who did nothing to deserve their fate. We can’t afford to lose sight of that. I’ll leave psychologists to explain why an individual friend’s death is more of a gut punch than the deaths of 3,000 (or 192,000) strangers. But the tragedy is greater, not smaller for the larger loss.
George W Bush, for all his flaws, understood that on 9/11. He reminded us we were all Americans. He reminded us this wasn’t about a religion. Most Americans, and the best of our elected officials still understand that.
So be strong today. Celebrate our shared humanity. Don’t sink to the level of those who can’t do that; model the behavior you’d like them to follow. #leadwithlove.