Governor Ron DeSantis diverts thousands of Betelgeuse refugees to Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis diverted over 150,000 Betelgeuse refugees to Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base. Clow officials confirmed that is far more refugees than Clow can safely shelter.

At a press conference with members of the interstellar media, Clow officials accused DeSantis of refusing to house any refugees in their 5 Floridian bases. They also produced communication logs proving that DeSantis never contacted Clow officials about his planned diversion.

Sofia Z. Hernandez, Director of Refugee Affairs for Clow, denounced DeSantis’s diversion of refugee transports: “He did this to trigger people. Well, I am triggered. Not by the overwhelming number of refugees he sent to us, but by his incredible incompetence!”

Many refugees claim DeSantis promised them that Clow would provide them with free human suits, free meals, and jobs.

“This governor human said Bolingbrook was a land of blue milk and green honey,” said Klego, a refugee with three children. “Instead, we were received by crews yelling obscenities and saying we were given counterfeit chips. All because DeSantis  didn’t want us landing in his arbitrary political district.”

Lopost, a starship commander, is furious with DeSantis: “We have been through so much trauma. My wife was incinerated when she tried to rescue one more of our eggs. I was barely able to pilot my ship through the shockwave. My passengers are in shock. We are suffering, and this DeSantis human used us as currency to fuel his own political base. We are living beings, not invaders. We were going to share our cold fusion technology with humanity, but not any more.”

Though DeSantis is a member of the Illuminati, the leadership denies sanctioning the diversion.

“(Ron DeSantis) has some balls to try and inflict chaos on our sacred society,” said US Master Councilor Graphite Fire. “We need to maintain good relations with the Interstellar Commonwealth if we want to gain control of all of Earth’s UFO Bases. Ron’s stunt is damaging our galactic reputation. We look like bumbling sociopaths, not bringers of righteous chaos! He will pay for this.”

Clow officials released a recording of a conversation between Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta and Governor DeSantis, which included this tense exchange:

Alexander-Basta: You should have called us before diverting all these refugees to Clow. You know we have a process for dealing with refugees, right?

DeSantis: I don’t care. I saw an opportunity to make little people like you squirm at all the icky aliens polluting your base!

Alexander-Basta: They’re not icky!

DeSantis: Then why are you complaining?

Alexander-Basta: Because we thought you were going to honor your commitment to house these refugees.

DeSantis: Illegals.

Alexander-Basta: Refugees. They’re here legally. Now if you had told us you were diverting them here, we would have been better prepared. Fortunately, other visitors are volunteering to help, along with the students in Humanoid Corrective Learning. We’re coming to together to help—

DeSantis: But you’re also complaining—

Alexander-Basta: I’m complaining about the mess you made.

DeSantis: I don’t create messes. I create problems for my opponents to make me look better. Now you better change your attitude, miss, because I’m going to be the President.

Alexander-Basta: Seriously? You’re being inhumane because—

DeSantis: Because that’s what excites human Republican voters! While Donald is bumbling in court, I’m actively screwing over undesirables. The moment he’s indicted, he’ll be revealed as a sick bumbling fool, while I’m the man who has total control of Florida — Because I’m presenting myself as a man actively harming the undesirables. I know how to destroy democracies in less than one term in office. I am the Florida government, and I hurt, arrest, threaten, humiliate, and destroy anyone in the name of entertaining my supporters. So you’d better start sucking up to me before I start sucking the life out of your village! 

Alexander-Basta: What is it about Florida that brings out the worst in men?

DeSantis: Unlimited power, but I’ll make sure you never have that.

Alexander-Basta: I can’t hear you. We have a bad connection. You need to come to my office and say that to my face.

*DeSantis ends the call*

DeSantis could not be reached for comment. 

The ambassadors from Mercury and Venus confirmed that they will house most of the refugees, and Clow should resume normal traffic in a week or two.

Also in the Babbler:

Interstellar court rules Rep. Sean Casten’s re-election campaign is not a slanderous attack against Keith Pekau
SAFE-T Act does not allow aliens to eat police officers
Weredeer endorse Catalina Lauf against Rep. Bill Foster
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/21/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Cheney family honored at Rochelle’s Hub 35 UFO Base (Fiction)

It’s been a while since we featured an article from one of our sister publications. This week’s article comes from the Illinois Rochelle Reader.

During a special ceremony at Hub 35 UFO Base, the New World Order honored the Cheney family for their “pioneering work dismantling democracy in the name of democracy.”

Host Rep. Adam Kinzinger started off by praising former Vice-president Dick Cheney: “There was once a time the former Vice-president was considered the evilest human in the solar system. You know the reasons: Torture, stretching the truth in order to invade Iraq, botching the response to Katrina, ruling from the shadows, turning a blind eye to voter suppression in Ohio, and so on. Thirteen years later, he hasn’t changed, but the world has. Today, he’s considered a defender of democracy due to his daughter! Dick is proof that if you live long enough, you can become the hero.”

The former Vice-president proudly accepted the first certificate before addressing the audience: “Quite frankly, I’m surprised I’m still alive, but it must mean God’s not finished with me… Which means I’m not finished with the world.”

Former VP Chaney also acknowledged that he was speaking on 9/11. “Yeah, I shouldn’t have expected the President to pay attention to the daily intelligence brief. And the President reading The Pet Goat wasn’t the best visual. He knew I had things under control, but he could have pretended he was urgently needed. But it worked out in the end. We ended up with secret search warrants, mass surveillance, and two profitable wars for our friends. Thanks to the fear and anger caused by 9/11, the right people were in charge.”

The former VP then slammed former President Donald Trump: “He’s a  clueless amateur who has squandered all of our advancements. We were on the verge of a new world order, and he unleashed global chaos because there is no international crime he won’t commit! He had, and still has, no vision. He used our supporters’ anger to storm the capitol. We used it to destroy (The Chicks.) He’s so bad even the Illuminati kicked him out.”

Representative Liz Cheney graciously accepted her certificate: “After the insurrection, I sincerely thought Trump was going down. So I moved to reclaim my family’s rightful place as leaders of the Republican Party. That didn’t go quite as planned. It was painful to admit to myself that I wasn’t the kind of Chaney who could shoot someone in the face, and then have them apologize to the media for getting in the way of my bullet.”

Representative Cheney added that she isn’t finished: “I’m going to make a lot of money speaking out against Trump, and running a futile campaign against him. And then I’m going to invest that money on an oil rig on Europa. With the sole drilling rights on Europa, I’ll be the next Elon Musk, and ‘the Donald’ will regret the day he tried to kill me!”

Mary Cheney accepted her certificate and denounced Trump’s homophobic followers: “I worked hard for my wife, my children, my corporate jobs, and everything else a Cheney is entitled to. I will not be canceled by the Karens and Kens of the world who don’t know the difference between a pedophile and a pedagogue! The New World Order wants a world run by the right people pretending to be kinder and gentler than other autocrats. We may be down, but we’re not out, and we will rise again. E pluribus unum! Out of many, one, and we are the right ones.”

She also added that she looked forward to the day the NWO recaptured Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base from the Illuminati.

When called, a receptionist for Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said, “Oh my God. The Babbler metastasized!”  

In the background, a young woman said, “Good news! Mark Leslie has agreed to write A Canadian Werewolf in Bolingbrook series. Now we’ve got a chance to recoup the losses from that Bolingbrook history book.”

A man replied: “I have good news too. Thanks to my positive thinking, and with a little help from the IT Department, I have made contact with the TikTok algorithm! We’ll dominate Booktok and hit the bestseller lists.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes. Watch. TikTok? How do we make a video go viral?”

A digital voice replied: “Make short videos. Make long videos. Do page flips. Don’t do page flips. Share on Instagram. Don’t share on Instagram. Share with your friends first. Share everywhere! Show your face! Use trending sounds. Use your own voice! Music! Music Music and silence! Don’t show your face. Delete Bots. Embrace your bots! Remove my logo! Don’t remove my logo. Follow everyone. Follow no one. Follow who you want to see. Follow who I want you to see. Community Guideline Violation! You lose!”

“I could have told you that,” said the woman.

Also in the Rochelle Reader:

Village board rejects funding for 9000-foot Trump statue
Aliens buzz residents with hypersonic golf carts
Walmart withdraws offer to buy Rochelle but not UHC
God to bless Rochelle on 9/17/22

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Jared Kushner’s laptop appears in Bolingbrook then disappears (Fiction)

Did former Presidential advisor Jared Kushner lose his laptop at a Bolingbrook restaurant? Computer repair person Joel X. Parker claims a waiter working at one of Bolingbrook’s restaurants gave it to him:

“He said Jared left it at his table.  It had a gold-plated casing and Jared’s name was engraved on it. Seemed legit.”

According to Parker, the waiter paid him to wipe the hard drive so he could use it himself. Parker denies he tried to hack into the laptop but admits he accessed it:

“As a joke, I typed ‘Jared’ in the password field. I didn’t realize it really was his password.”

Parker claims the laptop contained records of questionable financial dealings, and messages about illicit activities. As proof, Parker provided the Babbler alleged email exchanges with Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman over the assassination of Jamal Khashoggi. 

In one email, MBS wrote: “One of my associates was a bit too enthusiastic when I told him to deal with that reporter. Can you deal with your father-in-law? Otherwise, it would be a shame to stop doing business with our favorite customer.”

Kushner replied, “I don’t know if I can fit it into my very busy schedule as the best Presidential advisor. I’m so busy that I don’t have time to think about that satanic building I bought.”

MBS wrote a long reply which concluded with this offer: “If you find it in your oh so busy schedule to put in a good word for me, you might find yourself with a big B in the near future.”

Kushner sent a short reply: “Make it 2 Bs and I might send you an attachment about our anti-matter bomb program.”

Parker also showed an alleged email from Ivanka Trump. “Daddy says I’m no longer his favorite Trump. I’m telling on him!”

Before Parker could copy the entire contents of the hard drive, Kushner allegedly arrived at his shop with Bolingbrook police officers. Kushner, according to Parker, threatened to have compromising pictures of Parker, “found” on Hunter Biden’s stolen laptop. Parker surrendered the computer.

“I suppose I should feel lucky they didn’t cancel me, but I will always wonder what else is on that laptop.”

The Babbler could not afford Kushner’s interview fee and did not receive a comment from him.

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said she was in an important meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta, said: “Young lady, you have a lot of explaining to do. Why did you buy and return several copies of the Village’s ebook? You can get free copies from our library.”

“I’m sticking it to Amazon by taking advantage of their ebook return policy. They lost money because of me!”

“They didn’t lose money. We did because the village still has to pay the delivery fee for the books you returned, and they won’t waive that fee unless we enroll in their Kindle Unlimited program. In other words, you were extorting the Village on behalf of Amazon!”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook to require licensing of all psychics
FBI denies raiding the Bolingbrook Golf Club
Atheist missionaries annoy Bolingbrook residents
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/25/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Proud Boys end ‘blockade’ of Chicagoland’s UFO Bases (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The Proud Boys announced Sunday the end of their “blockade” of Chicagoland’s UFO bases.

Peter Z. Easton, a spokesperson for the group, said: “We left after we sent a clear message to all space aliens that if we don’t like you, we’ll find a way to beat you and blame you for starting it.” Easton also added that his local chapter is currently focusing on “combating drag shows, and intimidating school boards.”

According to Easton, the boycott began when the Proud Boys chapter heard rumors of aliens disguising themselves as humans. The members decided it was a form of drag performance. “Our new orders are to go after anything that’s gay. Drag is gay and that’s not OK. Especially if you’re a non-western space alien! Just between you and me, I only liked Milo Yiannopoulos because he triggered the libs.”

Despite claiming victory, officials at Chicagoland’s three UFO Bases denied the Proud Boys intimidated visitors or disrupted flights. 

An official at Clow UFO Base claimed a Proud Boy member tried to leave a bag of dog poo near an entrance. The Men in Blue “reminded” the man that the Proud Boys are still banned from Bolingbrook, and escorted him to Romeoville.  

An employee at Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base accused Proud Boys of shooting at UFOs. He said: “Their guns can’t penetrate shields, so most of our visitors didn’t know they were shot at.  But one crew was able to capture a bullet and shot it back at the (Proud Boy’s) truck. I never knew one remote controlled bullet could do so much damage. Fortunately, no one was hurt, and we covered up the shootings as one of those mysterious booms.”

A former Proud Boy member, who asked to be called Dee, said he was abducted by aliens while looking for Peotone’s base. He said: “They taught me that biology isn’t black and white but a spectrum. I also learned that women don’t like to be bossed around by men, and being a virgin doesn’t make you stronger. I couldn’t call myself a Proud Boy after learning the truth. So I’m going to learn how to make a sandwich and strive to be a good man. I hope I can convince my former comrades of the truth.”

The mayors of Peotone and Palatine could not be reached for comment. A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said: “Are you sure you want to write about the Proud Boys?”

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Michael Carpanzano said, “Absolutely not, Charlene.”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer replied: “You don’t even offer an affiliate link on any of your sites?”

“Just because I urge residents to have a weather radio doesn’t mean I’m profiting off of them.”

“Expecting a donation then?”

“Don’t make me carp you again!”

Also in the Babbler:

Editorial: LGTBQ+ people need our support more than ever
Russia launches two weather attacks against Chicagoland
Image of Christopher Hitchens appears near DuPage Unitarian Church
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/27/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Elon Musk survives meeting with Maritan Colonial delegation at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

Elon Musk

Bored billionaire Elon Musk minutes before his negotiations with the Martian Colonies broke down. (“Elon Musk” by dmoberhaus is licensed under CC BY 2.0.)

By Reporter X

A summit meeting between Elon Musk and a Martian Colonial delegation at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base ended in a brawl. No one died, and no one was arrested, but Clow’s medical teams had to re-attach Elon’s head to his body.

Following the incident, Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta addressed the interstellar press: “Elon will be back to his normal self. For that, I apologize to humanity and the rest of the solar system.”

Alexander-Basta then thanked the Martian Colonies for not invading Earth or incinerating the surface of the Earth. She stated: “The Martian Colonies demonstrated that they are truly the most advanced civilization in the Milky Way. Their restraint  is admirable and appreciated.” Basta then picked up a piece of paper, and read aloud: “This is why we welcome the Colonial peacekeepers stationed in Bolingbrook, and we appreciate that they are using their superior technology to disguise this base as an Amazon Fulfillment Center. If they want to build a space elevator—” She then looked backstage and said, “Can we talk about this without getting annihilated? No?”

Clow officials then showed security holograms of the events leading up to the brawl. It started with Musk demanding 420 square kilometers of Martian territory for his future base, and access to the “Qzist.” When asked why, Musk replied, “You have information about every human on Earth. I could use that to humiliate my enemies and defend my freedom.”

“You mean dominate other humans and not be dominated yourself?” Asked a Colonial delegate.

“Exactly. Accessing the Qzist would be cheaper than buying Twitter.”

Later in the meeting, Musk promised to build a hyperloop to connect his colony to the Martian Colonies. A delegate was not impressed. She pointed out that Musk promised to build a starship, but instead built a spacecraft that has yet to orbit the Earth.

“You seem to promise more than you can deliver, and what you have delivered you’ve bought from others.”

Musk protested and said things would be different on Mars. “Sometimes I come up with ideas, and my engineers quit rather than build them. I even moved to Texas, and promised to pay the travel expenses if any of their girlfriends needed abortions. All I wanted in return was their undying loyalty to me. That isn’t working. But on Mars, I’ll have total control of the air, food and shelter. No unions. No liberals. I will have the freedom to make them do what I want. I think I’ll call my first colony Space Texas.”

The negotiations became more heated until Musk threatened to call them a type of sex offender. A delegate activated a droplet drone. Musk smiled and said, “My robots will protect me.” Instead, the robots started dancing. Musk frowned. “I guess I’ll have to flame all of you myself.” Musk pulled out a flamethrower and the hologram footage stopped.

When asked to comment on Twitter, Musk blocked this reporter. 

A receptionist for Basta said she was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said: “Sheldon, your campaign is in crisis, and I’m here to help.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts replied, “Crisis? How can there be a crisis when the election is still eight months away? It’s too early to think about it.”

“Too early? Have you seen Mayor Mary’s fundraising numbers? This month she raised $32,500 for her campaign fund. That’s more money than the total funds for both opposition parties combined, and she’s not spending it on lunches, cars, scholarships, or batteries.”

“It takes more than money to win a campaign.”

“But it does take money to be viable, and we won’t be viable after Ms. ‘Proudly sponsored by Weathertech’ floods our mailboxes and social media platforms with ads for her trustee candidates next year. I have to take drastic action if you want to avoid another third place finish.”

“I’m afraid to know what you have in mind.”

“Okay. Let’s just say that there are people out there who don’t like the Egyptian government, and would love to make their favorite US mayor—”

“La! La! La! I can’t hear you! Jesus loves me. S.T.E.M. is good.”

Also in the Babbler:

Wheaton College to host ‘Is Richard Carrier a myth?’ conference
Governor Pritzker to promote Rep. Kinzinger by running ads against him
Interstellar Commonwealth threatens to raise abduction quota if US Democracy ends
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/14/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is available now. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter. Visit my author site for more information about all my books.

Female Illuminati members stage walk-out following overturning of Roe v. Wade (Fiction)

Friday, several female members of the Illuminati walked out of the Bolingbrook Golf Club to protest the Supreme Court’s decision abolishing the right to abortion. The walkout occurred during a ritual performed by anti-abortion male members.

“You can’t have global chaos without freedom of choice,” said one member who asked not to be identified. “If we give government the power to control our bodies, we might as well surrender to the New World Order.”

Laura, the Illuminati Chaplin of North America, said: “This is a major step backwards in the fight for true freedom. If our wombs are not fee, then we are not free.”

Sapphire, an Illuminati Knight of Chaos, added: “Forced pregnancies only help the New World Order by controlling our bodies. We are not fighting the NWO just to create our own order! Chaos means freedom. All who oppose the right to abortion should be purged from the Illuminati.”

The dispute started shortly after Master Councilor George announced the supreme court’s decision. He claimed the Illuminati influenced the court and told the gathering to join him in celebrating the chaos that will be created by the birth of “millions of unwanted babies!”

This prompted Illuminati member Rep. Marie Newman to stand up and yell: “This is not how you create chaos. This is how you create (expletive deleted). I can’t stand the smell of (expletive). Let’s step outside and choose to breathe fresh air!”

Fellow Illuminati member Jeanne Ives also stood up. She said: “I could lie about this, but I won’t. This is the wrong time to repeal Roe. We still have an election to seize. Everyone knows that you campaign on repealing Roe, not on actually doing it. We were doing great at restricting abortion access until you made the Supreme Court ruin everything. Now abortion will be an issue in every single election—Even the township elections. Not to mention that the New World Order will have a chance to ratify the Equal Rights Amendment. Then what? The Supreme Court declares the Constitution unconstitutional? I’m sorry, but for once I’m going to stand with my sisters and join them outside.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta did not join the walkout, nor did she participate in the Rite of a Thousand Cries. Alexander-Basta ordered the Village Trustees not to participate either.

“Not one word from any of you,” Basta said. “I’ve spent too much time building an apolitical reputation with everyone but Bonnie. I won’t have it ruined by the Supreme Court. For now, the ‘A’ word is not in our vocabulary!”

After performing the rite, George said female Illuminati members were overreacting. He arose and stated: “Every child bearing member will still be able to get an abortion, paid for by the order. That makes them special. Don’t you want to be special?” George added that the Supreme Court’s decision will help spark a second civil war in the United States. “State governments won’t be enforcing abortion bans because they’ll be caught in the crossfire between militias. That’s why we made the Court expand the Second Amendment. Come on, you didn’t really believe I was ‘pro-life,’ did ya?”

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was busy dealing with the aftermath of the WeatherTech shooting and could not be disturbed. 

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts, said: “You know, Charlene, all the anger and tragedy this week has helped me to put things in prospective.”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer replied: “Me too. That’s why I’m getting my tubes tied, securing an Icelandic passport, and doubling my efforts to troll the DuPage Township into oblivion. I don’t know how much time I’ll have before the Court declares women’s rights unconstitutional.”

Also in the Babbler:

Editorial: The bell tolls for Bolingbrook
Weredeer unfortunately celebrate repeal of Roe
Abortion is still legal at Clow UFO Base
God to spare Bolingbrook this week

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is available for preorder. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Web Exclusive: A new service! (Fiction)

By Dale Onofrey
Columnist

Bolingbrook residents love community groups, (or at least the trustees love telling us about them). So in that spirit, I’m proud to announce that fellow FtB member Iris at Death to Squirrels has relaunched a new service called the Abattoir! I haven’t read the full post yet, but it involves getting life-saving organs to the people who want them. Who can argue with that?

Now if you will excuse me, I have to persuade my sister to put an important character back into her book!

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My new novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is coming out soon. Pathways to Bolingbrook: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story is free and available now. For book updates, sign up for my newsletter.

Web Exclusive: Clow UFO Base grounds flights following leak of Supreme Court’s abortion ban (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base grounded all interstellar flights following the unprecedented leak of Justice Samuel Alito’s first draft of a decision to overturn Roe V. Wade. 

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta announced the stoppage and urged all alien crews to cooperate with Inquisitors from the Illuminati and Bolingbrook’s Men in Blue. During her live-streamed announcement, Alexander-Basta said: “I would like to remind all of our visitors it is not our custom to steal documents from the Supreme Court and deliver them to a news site. While the United States doesn’t have a state religion, disrespecting the highest court is considered blasphemous. Even implying that the justices are political appointees is considered disrespectful. If any of you were involved in this theft, please turn yourself in now before I really get mad and make you regret being born.”

While some crews have cooperated, others have refused. Xlopo of Proxima Centauri said, “Under the Treaty of Kelly-Hopkinsville, humans cannot search a ship without a warrant. This overrides Clow’s Terms and Conditions, even if we broke their airlock seal. I’m sorry they’re mad someone leaked the expected ruling of one paper priest, but wrecking my ship won’t solve or change anything.”

Pogost, a ship commander from the Free Planets of Ongust, criticized the alleged ruling: “The freedom to choose when and if to have offspring is essential to all intelligent beings. If I teleported into a human’s home and said: ‘Hi. I have five heartbeats. You must take care of me for at least 18 Earth years,’ we know what would happen.  Either the inhabitants or the Men in Blue would abort my stay. If this keeps up, Earth can forget about being accepted into the Commonwealth.”

 Xeble, who asked that we not identify his homeworld, offered harsher criticism: “This decree is further proof that the U.S. Electoral College is harmful to humanity. This alleged sacred constitutional document allows someone to win a Presidential election without winning the majority of votes. Not only that, but it also does nothing to ensure that this person has the expertise and temperament necessary to run a country armed with nuclear weapons. And this elected person nominates the priests that will ‘interpret’ how to apply outdated rules to the present? And humans are supposed to trust these priests to be unbiased? If we didn’t need Lady Gaga MP3s, I would avoid Earth.”

Sources inside Clow expect the ground stop to be lifted by Thursday. None of them would confirm the validity of the alleged ruling.

After her speech, Alexander-Basta released a statement to the interstellar media. Part of it read: “Please don’t make me take sides in this cultural war issue. Abortion will still be legal in Illinois and inside Clow. If you want an abortion, you can have one. If you don’t, we won’t force you to get one. Fnord!”

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My new novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is coming out soon. Pathways to Bolingbrook: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story is free and available now. For book updates, sign up for my newsletter.

We get letters. (Unfortunately) April 2022 edition (Fiction)

By Doug Fields
Reader’s Editor

(Out of character: Unless stated otherwise, these are not real letters.)

Sometimes I’m proud to say that I edit the Babbler’s letters to the editor. This is not one of those times. Maybe it’s all the readers with COVID dementia, or maybe the past five years have brought out the worst in us. No difference. These letters make me question the future of humanity. Judge for yourself.

While most Bolingbrook residents stand with the Ukrainian people against the Russian invasion, this reader just has to be special:

To the Editor:

The New York Times says Ukraine doesn’t have a Nazi problem. This is the same newspaper that published a Hitler editorial in 1941! Therefore Vladimir Putin is right. Let’s stop punishing Russia and start supporting Putin’s special military operation to rid the world of Nazis once and for all!

Julie X. Weimar
Bolingbrook, IL

Someone better warn Malcolm Nance before it’s too late.

Our descent into the abyss continues with this letter. This reader doesn’t know that Bolingbrook isn’t in the Sixth Congressional District. Then again, incumbent Congressional Representative Marie Newman doesn’t live there either. 

To the Editor:

Days ago, Fake IL06 representative Sean Casten said the public was going to “level” Rep. Marie Newman and insurrectionist President Trump was still free. Yet the so-called ethics committee is investigating Newman instead of those two. How outrageous!.

Don’t let the media confuse you. Newman is running on the Green New Deal and Medicare for All. That’s all you need to know. Oh, and she’s not afraid to vote against Israel! 

Newman shouldn’t be forced to violate her crypto agreement and she shouldn’t be stopped from investing in America. She shouldn’t be stopped period. Don’t let anyone tell you to think about it. Just vote for Newman and she’ll do the rest!

Bill Z. Blankenship
Downers Grove, IL

I’m not sorry to say that anyone who invested in cryptocurrencies shouldn’t be considered an environmentalist. 

Locally, this next resident wants a certain book banned. 

To the Editor:

We must prevent the most woke novel in history from reaching Bolingbrook! The Rift promises to be a story about aliens and monsters set in our fine village. Don’t be fooled! It has trans people and feminists in it! The author says it’s not marketed to children, but why does it have a gay magician in it? It also has suspicious references to elevators…

We must do everything in our power to stop the woke mob from canceling us by banning this book! Our freedom depends on it! Scream about it at every government meeting. Don’t worry about what to say. Have faith that God will put the right words in your mouth.

Jill “I have a gun and that’s all you need to know,”
Bolingbrook, IL

The novel mentioned is The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, written by our webmaster. Let me assure you it is not pornographic, and probably will tick off a certain slimy part of the atheist community.

Now, this next resident is taking the suburban cancel culture scare to its logical conclusion:

To the Editor:

You know, there are so many positive things going on in Bolingbrook, like the opening of Eiffel Waffle. But there are too many “critical” distractions that are dividing our wonderful community, e.g. things like Critical Race Theory, Gender Critical Feminism, and scientific criticism. 

The solution to this critical problem is simple: We must ban critical thinking in Bolingbrook. Instead of arguing over garbage toters, golf clubs, and COVID restrictions, we should shut out the negativity, and just enjoy all the fine businesses in Bolingbrook. Free your mind, and just follow the wonderful thought leaders who make our village first! In the First Party, we trust!

Marcus T. Fish
Bolingbrook, IL

I enjoy thinking for myself, while being grounded in the real world, thank you very much. People who want to think for you shouldn’t. 

Maybe next time I’ll be able to feature letters that don’t fill me with despair.

Also in the Babbler:

Russia threatens heatwave and snowstorms this weekend
Downstate judge threatens to declare atheism unconstitutional
Governor Pritzker buys UFO display ads attacking Mayor Irvin
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/21/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My new novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is coming out soon. Pathways to Bolingbrook: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story is free and available now. For book updates, sign up for my newsletter.

Sources: WeatherTech is developing radiation resistant basement liners (Fiction)

Is WeatherTech, one of Bolingbrook’s largest employers, developing liners to turn any basement into a nuclear fallout shelter? Some insiders insist they are, and WeatherTech hopes to distribute them in May.

“This marketing opportunity is too good to pass up,” said Stacy, who asked that we not use her last name. “Everyone wants protection from a nuclear attack, and WeatherTech is in the protection business. It’s a natural fit.”

Don, a WeatherTech materials specialist, explained that since rubber is resistant to radiation and WeatherTech’s products are made with rubber, it wasn’t hard to come up with prototypes. “The only problem is size. Let’s face it. A basement floor usually requires more coverage than a car floor.” 

Is this an ad for WeatherTech’s newest product?

All the sources agree that WeatherTech will sell liners that can be cut to fit the shape of any basement. WeatherTech will also sell “NukeTech” glue to attach the liners to walls and ceilings.

“We hope we never go to war, but if you live in the suburbs, we think you can ride it out inside your WeatherTech enhanced basement.  We’ll even have a line of Faraday cages to protect your electronics. You’ll be prepped in style. Too much?”

Larry Z. Carter, a Bolingbrook resident trying to read every post-apocalyptic novel, says the liners are a good idea, but they won’t be enough. “There are so many things we take for granted. Like toilets, electricity, windows, access to ammunition, and grocery stores. WeatherTech has great rubber, but you can’t eat it.”

Paula X. Carter, Larry’s wife, asked Larry if he was going to visit her parents. He replied he needed to read another novel.

“Haven’t you finished already?”

“By the time I finish one series, there are 15 more series released on Amazon. I can’t stop reading until they stop publishing. Trust me, one of those novels will come in handy when the world finally ends.”

Stacy claims the Village of Bolingbrook has already placed an order to turn Town Center into a fallout shelter. She also stressed that the liners will not protect against a nuclear blast.

“There are limits to what our products can do. Hard to believe, I know.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta denied knowing about WeatherTech’s proposed liners and said the village had no plans to buy any.

“If you would attend our board meetings, you’d know what the village was buying.”

Alexander-Basta then received a video chat request.  She accepted. A woman appeared on the screen. An anti-tank weapon was mounted on the wall behind her.

“This is Congresswoman Lauren Boebert,” she said. “My pronouns are big and gun.”

“Those aren’t pronouns.”

“Now they are. Anyway, tell (Former Mayor Roger Claar) that he’d better make Congressman Key Bump disappear, or I’ll tweet about Roger, and not in a good way.”

“Do I look like his secretary?”

“No. You look like you have cooties.”

“Are you an overgrown ten-year-old?”

“I am the future of the Republican Party. In fact, if I’m reelected, I will be the representative leading the 24 impeachments of President Biden.”

“24?”

“Yes. We’re going to have an impeachment a month, and I’m going to start the first one against the criminal in the White House!”

“Wait a minute. You have a criminal record, and what role did you play in the insurrection?”

“Let’s go Brandon!”

Also in the Babbler:

Russia launches cold air attack against Bolingbrook
Alien injured in Ukraine treated at Palatine’s UFO Base
DuPage Township wins award for its off-world programs.
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/1/22.

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My new novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is coming out soon. Pathways to Bolingbrook: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story is free and available now. For book updates, sign up for my newsletter.