Web Exclusive: Cory Booker blames Illuminati and New World Order for failed campaign (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Sen. Cory Booker told supporters at Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base that the postponement of the Interplanetary Primary forced him to suspend his campaign. 

“The polls showed that I was going to win in a landslide,” said Booker through a video chat.  “A victory would have allowed me to transfer the funds from my Interstellar Campaign fund to my campaign fund on Earth. Then I could have run enough ads to put me above 3% in the polls!”

Booker next accused both the Illuminati and New World Order of sabotaging his campaign:

“We all knew the Illuminati would try to hack the polling places, and place deceptive ads.  Those billboards on Mercury were the worst.  What we didn’t expect was for the New World Order to give up on my campaign so soon.  As a member of the New World Order—let me be honest here—I feel hurt.  I’ve served the NWO for my entire political career.  I set up my campaign to please them.  I accepted money from Wall Street and the pharmaceutical industry.  I co-sponsored Medicare for All and supported private medical insurance.  I supported legalizing cannabis and banning BDS.  I had just the right mix of policies that should have appealed to everyone.  All I needed was a good solid push from the leadership.  Instead, they panicked when (Sen. Bernie Sanders) defected to the Illuminati.  Instead of supporting my balanced plans, they split their support between (Vice President Joe Biden) and those two billionaires.  How could I compete with that?”

Officially, the Democratic Interplanetary Primary was postponed to March due to hackers threatening to tell the Iowa and New Hampshire Democratic parties that it was going to occur in January.  While delegates selected during the primary can’t vote until the fourth round of delegate voting at the Democratic Convention, it was feared that Iowa and New Hampshire would try to move up their voting dates.

“Heaven forbid if the most diverse electorate in the solar system got to vote ahead of Iowans,” Booker sarcastically said.  

The Interplanetary Primary is only for registered Democrats who live off-world.  Aliens are not permitted to vote in the primary.

Near the end of his speech, a Sanders supporter threw a Molotov cocktail at the screen:

“No more compromises!  No more half-assed solutions!  Vote for Bernie or get burned!”

Security arrested the man.  As they dragged him out, he shouted, “Vote Huffman!  Morrison fights transpeople, not taxes!”

Booker shook his head:  “We can’t let the Illuminati divide us and divide the world.  We have our differences, sure.  But we have to come together if we want to unite humanity and reject the divisive propaganda of the Illuminati.  I’m going to support whoever our leadership selects to bring our message to the American people.  I urge everyone here to do the same.”

After Booker concluded his speech, Sen. Elizabeth Warren appeared on the screen:

“Hi, Cory.  Sorry you had to leave the race like this.  I just wanted to let you know that I have a plan to defeat the Illuminati and get Bernie back on our side.  But I need your help.”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Four Space Force Marines from Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base missing after ‘retaliatory’ strike against Jupiter (Fiction)

File photo of Jupiter provided by NASA.

By Reporter X

Four Space Force marines stationed at Clow UFO Base are missing following a “retaliatory strike” against the planet Jupiter.

Lieutenant Colonel Blake Z. Bush, during a press conference with the interstellar media, said: “We believe these men are still alive…And I believe they are inflicting Trump’s revenge as we speak.”  Bush is the commander of the 1st High Border Wall Battalion stationed at Clow. 

Bush said the Space Force decided to strike Jupiter moments after a meteor disintegrated over Bolingbrook.  Bush explained why:

“For billions of years, Jupiter has maliciously targeted Earth.  We decided that enough is enough, and President Trump gave us permission to strike back!  Our operation proved that we are making America great again.”

The marines in the audience replied in unison: “MAGA!”

According to Bush, a Space Force fleet launched 10 nuclear warheads at Jupiter, then dropped 20 paratroopers into Jupiter’s atmosphere.  The fleet has been unable to contact them.  Members of Fireteam Bannon from the 1st High Border Wall are among the missing paratroopers.

Bush refused to name the members, but played a video of their descent towards Jupiter.  In the video, the squad dives headfirst towards the planet, firing their particle weapons on full auto.  As a fireball formed around each member, they cried out: “MAGA!”

“Lock her up!”  The marines in the audience replied.  

The video ends with the marines disappearing into the clouds.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar collected himself for a few moments before commenting.  “The President had good intelligence that Jupiter was planning an imminent strike against Bolingbrook.  I pray that these good men are saving Republican—I mean innocent lives, as we speak.  They are truly making America great, and I am blessed that I will be forever remembered as the Trump Mayor!”

The marines present cheered.

“If you’re an Illinois resident,” added Claar.  “Don’t forget to vote for me to be a Trump delegate at this year’s Republican convention.”

Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the opposition Bolingbrook United Party, interrupted the press conference to criticize the Space Force:

“They aren’t missing.  They’re dead!  We’re not even sure if Jupiter has a solid surface!  Sure, we may live in a strange universe, but that doesn’t mean Jupiter is sentient.  It can’t make a choice to shield or target Earth.  Let’s be honest here:  Our President sent those men to their deaths for nothing!  It’s just a political stunt to make weak people feel tough.”

“Bob,” replied Claar.  “Just shut up and let me do the talking.  Be more like (Trustee Maria Zarate) and (Trustee Mary Basta).

Both trustees nervously smiled and slightly waved their hands while armed marines glared at them.

When reached for comment, a receptionist for Claar said he was busy and didn’t have time for an interview.

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer, said: “Igor!  Here’s the guy from Hoffman Estates we were talking about.  Mark, read what you wrote on Facebook.”

A man who sounded like School District 211 Board Member Mark Cramer cleared his throat and snarkily said: “Gonna be a GREAT Democratic Primary…. ‘I am the MOST liberal socialist running for the 54th’”

Spencer then said: “See Igor.  I told you he wasn’t one of my bots.”

“Impressive,” said Igor over a computer speaker.  “But he sounds too extremely conservative to be elected in the US.”

Cramer replied, “But I did win an election.  So I believe you can never be too conservative.”

Also in the Babbler: 

Claar take credit for defending Bolingbrook against Russian snow attack
Interplanetary primary postponed
Bolingbrook residents protest lifting of anti-matter restrictions at Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/15/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Web Exclusive: Democratic candidates for the IL54 State House District meet Palatine UFO Base staff (Fiction)

By Reporter X

File photo of Ryan Huffman

File photo of Maggie Trevor.

About fifty staff members of Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base attended a meeting with two of the three Democratic candidates for the Illinois 54th State House District race. Maggie Trevor and Ryan Huffman were able to participate, and Syed Hussein was not.

“There are days I want to tell our local leaders about our base,” said Sheila Danforth, president of the Space Traffic Controllers Union local #2.  “Then, I remember that Tom Morrison is our state representative.  He calls himself a tax fighter, but he seems to spend more time fighting transgender people.  Can you imagine trying to explain the gender of a Ross 128 visitor to him?  He would embarrass Palatine and all humanity.  Now, these two candidates are worthy of being the first Cook County politicians to know about our UFO Base.”

Huffman introduced himself as a “data analyst, policy expert, and political activist,” who wants to continue the work he “started as a candidate for the Sixth Congressional District.”  He described his top-secret work with the Obama administration to bring alien energy efficiency devices to market.  After his failed primary bid for Congress, he became an interstellar affairs advisor for Sean Casten, who won in the general election.

“We have the chance to be part of the Interstellar Commonwealth, but it’s only a chance.  I want to lead the next generation of leaders who will prove humanity worthy of that chance.  I want to create an Illinois that is known as an interstellar beacon of progress, instead of known for its corrupt leaders.”

Huffman concluded by saying he was eager to hear about Trevor because he couldn’t find her web page.

Trevor replied: “Oh, some cybersquatter stole it while I was thinking about a second run for office.”

“They can sneak up on you if you’re not familiar with the Internet,” replied Huffman.

“I suppose.  So I guess I’m going to have to spend some of my $35,000 campaign fund to get it back.”

Huffman’s eyes widened, and he coughed several times.

“You do have a campaign fund, right?”

“Eventually,” Huffman replied. 

Trevor said that in addition to being a Harvard Fellow, an assistant professor, and an analyst, she also helped establish Iowa City’s Tigerhawk UFO Base in the 1990s.  She currently runs Trevor Research Services.

“Some people say I’m the female Sean Casten,” said Trevor.  “I prefer to think of Sean as the male Maggie Trevor.”

A member of the New World Order asked Huffman why he didn’t accept their offer to run for the Palatine village board. Huffman replied: “Serious issues are facing my generation that I can address on the state level.  I don’t have time to deal with which subdivisions have to pay a fee to be connected to a sewer line when my generation needs solutions to climate change, student debt, and political corruption.  It’s time for the Baby Boomers to get out of the way and let #generationscrewed become #generationrenewal.”

“Generation X always gets forgotten in these discussions,” said Trevor.  “Let me put it this way:  I will not let Tom abort the progress we’ve made in Illinois.  I will keep working and retrying until our state’s problems are fixed, and I will not let Illinois fail.  The 54th District can do better than a Tom Morrison theocracy.”

Morrison refused to be interviewed for this article. 

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.