Dr. David Gorski on the ‘Great Barrington Declaration’ (Non-Fiction)

Dr. David Gorski over at Science-Based Medicine has a great post on the Barrington Declaration:

As for herd immunity, listen to this epidemiologist explain why, without a vaccine, trying to reach herd immunity is unlikely to be successful without massive death:

The main problem is something very basic — herd immunity requires IMMUNITY to the disease. When people are proposing herd immunity as an exit strategy for COVID-19, what they are implicitly arguing is that, once infected, you cannot get the disease again — you are immune.

Unfortunately, we know that this simply isn’t the case. There are already widespread reports of people getting reinfected with COVID-19, and worryingly some of these people are having MORE severe infections the second time around. This makes herd immunity in the traditional sense largely unreachable, because some people can clearly get infected and transmit the virus on to others over and over again.

We also don’t know how long the immunity will last even in people who get infected and are then immune. Some people may be immune for months, some for years, some for their entire lives — we simply have very little idea and won’t know for sure for a while yet. If large swathes of the population are infected this year but do not develop long-lasting immunity, chances are we’ll have epidemics in the future as well.

He also notes that this pretty much demolishes the Great Barrington Declaration’s suggestion to have nursing homes staffed only with people who’ve recovered from COVID-19. Why? Because it’s unknown how long their immunity will last, and that immunity might be very transient!

While COVID fatigue is a problem in the United States, Gorski shows that giving up on public health isn’t the answer, and is an act of genocide.

Rebecca Watson: Masks don’t increase Your CO2 (Non-fiction)

From: Rebecca Watson:

Village of Bolingbrook employees scramble to prep the emergency pontoon boat for launch (Fiction)

Village officials are racing against time to get Bolingbrook’s floating command center ready for launch.

“We need a third command center,” said a village employee who asked to remain anonymous.  “2020 isn’t finished with us.  The White House and the Senate are COVID hotspots!  If the Vice-president goes down, there will be a legal fight over whether Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Grassley, or Mike Pompeo will take over.  Then we’ll have to worry about what’s left of the Trump campaign contesting the election results.  At this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised if we ended up in a nuclear war—”

Another village employee shouted: “Don’t give 2020 any ideas!”

According to various sources, Bolingbrook currently has two emergency command centers:  One is a bunker under Village Hall.  The other is a hidden bunker under the Bolingbrook Golf Club.  Since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic, the Golf Club bunker houses an alternate village board, while the current board members work at Village Hall.

In 1997, the village secretly purchased a pontoon boat to use as a floating command center.  At the time, Bolingbrook’s flood plain was expanding and some officials feared a village-wide flood.  It was hoped that the command center would allow the government to keep functioning during the theorized super flood.

After 2002, with the construction of the Golf Club, and ten pillars secretly built under Bolingbrook, the village was no longer in danger of facing a super flood.  Instead of selling the boat, the village hid the boat in then Mayor Roger Claar’s backyard— in case Bolingbrook faced a 100,000-year flood, and the mayor needed to quickly get to the boat.

“Roger liked to do ‘command drills,’” said Pete, a former Bolingbrook employee who asked not to be identified.  “Honestly, we’d do a short drill, then drink beer and go fishing.  The pontoon was state of the art at the time, and is still a good boat.”

The Public Works Department was planning on selling the pontoon until Village co-administrators Ken Teppel and Lucas Rickelman ordered the boat to be “converted back into a command center.”

Stephanie, a village employee who asked that we not use her real name, claims the boat is under-equipped:

“Someone stripped the electronics to make room for a bar and freezer.  I won’t say who.  Anyway, now we’ve got to get it ready in a week and find ways to keep it out of the budget.  We don’t want ‘them’ to know about it.  So far we’re pretending that we bought a new police car, and are using the money to equip the boat.  We’re hoping all the watchdog groups are too obsessed with DuPage Township to notice what we did.”

According to Stephanie, once the boat is equipped, it will be moved to Whalon Lake.  In an emergency, designated village officials will board the boat and cast off.  In theory, all emergency services could be coordinated through the boat’s Internet connection.  Stephanie says village officials believe it is important to have a floating command center:

“Rioters won’t be inclined to swim towards it.  Fires can’t harm it on the lake, and if 2020 throws a flood at us, we’ll be ready!  Plus, the commanders will always have access to fish and water!”

Stephanie also believes that there is a debate over which village officials should be stationed on the boat:

“(Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta) thinks she should be on the boat because she’s the mayor.  The co-administrators think they should be because the Mayor is now a symbolic position.  I’m sure they’ll work it out.  Everyone agrees that (Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz) will not be allowed on the boat.  If he wants to be on the water he can rent a rowboat!”

Trustee Michael Carpanzano denied the existence of the pontoon boat:

“You are such a negative reporter!  There are so many positive things going on in Bolingbrook, and you would know that if your calendar section worked with my Facebook Page instead of with the Bolingbrook Events page!”

In the background, a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta, said: “I just approved Trick or Treating in Bolingbrook this year.  So now I’m the #1 fun mom of Bolingbrook, and I don’t want to mess it up with any distractions.  So we’re going to let you go if you promise not to act like a masked vigilante.”

“I still need to know how you figured out my secret identity.”

“Simple.  Your costume is made of the same material only one company in Bolingbrook uses, and you’re the only person in Bolingbrook who could afford to buy and customize an AGMV.”

“Curses!  But you need me.  Don’t you watch Fox News?  Chicago is burning, and the flames will soon reach Bolingbrook.”

“Chicago isn’t always burning, and when it is, we don’t need real-life superheroes.  We just block the entrances to the Promenade with snow plows and that keeps the looters away.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook Antifa conducts ‘Proud Boy’ exercise
Vampires to hold an emergency blood drive in Naperville
Representative Bill Foster escapes President Trump’s biological attack
God to spare Bolingbrook this week

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Tensions rise as Space Force and Martian Colonial Fleet increase patrols over Bolingbrook (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Space Force Logo

Citing unrest on Earth, both the United States Space Force and the Martian Colonial Fleet announced increased patrols in the Bolingbrook area.  Both sides have bases in Bolingbrook.

“Space Antifa is invading our country!” said Peter Z. Miller, spokesperson for the 1st Space Force High Border Wall Battalion stationed in Bolingbrook.  “They are attacking Kenosha, have a beachhead in Portland, and are sabotaging Chicago!  We will not let suburban housewives in Bolingbrook be subdued by these aliens.  We will not let them destroy your home values.  Our battalion has a message for the Colonial Fleet: You will not survive our storm because where we go one, we go all!”

The Martian Colonial Government released a statement defending their increased patrols in Bolingbrook:  “Earth’s meme pandemic threatens the safety of all visitors to Bolingbrook.  Clow UFO Base may be sealed off from human traffic, but its staff members are still endangered by the meme infected humans surrounding it.  Our new effort will protect members of the Interstellar Commonwealth, and deter the space weaklings from harassing our solar system!  Some humans in Bolingbrook might be also protected as a result of our actions.”

According to eyewitnesses, new patrols have already created tense situations. Several eyewitnesses at the March on Bolingbrook reported an apparent near-miss between a Space Force interceptor and a Colonial destroyer.

“The UFO was just hovering over us,” said Tasha, who asked that we not use her last name.  “It wasn’t bothering us.  Then these weird airplanes charged at it.  I was worried that they were going to collide.  Instead, the UFO became translucent and the airplanes flew right through it like it was a ghost ship.  I guess the UFO was protecting us.  It’s nice to know that aliens believe that black lives matter.”

Other eyewitnesses claim that soldiers from both sides nearly shot at each other at the Bolingbrook Portillo’s.

“I was nervous when I saw those two men wearing blue camouflage,” said Mary, who asked that we not use her last name.  “They were eyeing two Black men I’d never seen before.  Then one of the camouflage guys yells he’s under attack and starts firing at us.  I thought we were goners, but his shots were blocked by a force field.  The two Black men stood up and said something in a weird language.  The camouflage guys said something about coming back with better weapons.  Things are really getting bad around here.  My friends say I should vote for Trump to save us from Joe Biden.  But I don’t remember the country descending into anarchy when Joe was the Vice-president.”

Steve, another eyewitness, added: “The scary thing is, if I had thrown my shake at those shooters, and gotten killed, people on the Internet would say I deserved it and then bring up my dirty laundry.  When did it become a crime to defend yourself from a mass shooter?”

The eyewitnesses said the Men in Blue arrived and both soldiers left.  Patrons were offered refunds for their meals and were told not to tell the mainstream media what happened.

A receptionist for Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said she was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta said: “You know, instead of being divided by party, we should try to work together as one big family.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz said: “That’s why I nominated you to be the mayor.”

“Great.  So you understand why it’s important for a family to speak with one voice during a crisis?”

“What are you getting at?”

“What I’m getting at are the new COVID mitigation measures our region is under.  Every voter hates them, and we don’t want the voters to hate us, right?”

“I hate them too, but what’s your solution?”

“We need to make sure that every time we mention them, we point out that they were imposed on us by the state and county.  So Bolingbrook voters will blame (Governor JB Pritzker) and (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere) instead of us.”

“Wait a minute.  We shouldn’t be pointing fingers.  We should be taking the lead to get this virus under control in Bolingbrook.  Maybe we should be following the University of Illinois’ example and encourage mass testing of residents.  Then we can have the infected people isolate themselves until they’re no longer contagious.  We could also explain that the virus is airborne and it’s safer to serve customers outdoors instead of indoors.  Then we can get the positivity rate down and be an example for the rest of Illinois to follow.  Let’s show some real leadership for once!”

“You just have to be the pariah of our family, don’t you?”

Also in the Babbler:

Editorial: Death of Trump supporter in Portland is wrong too
Generation ship crew agrees to avoid Earth on election day
Will County confirms interplanetary absentee ballots will arrive from Peotone UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/3/20

From the Webmaster: It’s mitigation time again, Bolingbrook! (Mixed)

Bad news, Bolingbrook residents:  Due to the rising COVID-19 Positivity rate in Kankakee and Will Counties, IDPH imposed mitigation measures on Region 7, which includes Bolingbrook.  In addition to Clow UFO Base remaining sealed off from human visitors, the following measure will take effect on Wednesday:

Bars:

  • All bars close at 11:00pm
  • No indoor service
  • All bar patrons should be seated at tables outside
  • No ordering, seating, or congregating at the bar (bar stools should be removed)
  • Tables should be 6 feet apart
  • No standing or congregating indoors or outdoors while waiting for a table or exiting
  • No dancing or standing indoors
  • Reservations required for each party
  • No seating of multiple parties at one table

Restaurants:

  • All restaurants close at 11:00pm
  • No indoor dining or bar service
  • Tables should be 6 feet apart
  • No standing or congregating indoors or outdoors while waiting for a table or exiting
  • Reservations required for each party
  • No seating of multiple parties at one table

Meetings, Social Events, and Gatherings:

  • Limit to lesser of 25 guests or 25% of overall room capacity
  • No party buses
  • Gaming and Casinos close at 11:00pm, are limited to 25 percent capacity, and follow mitigations for bars and restaurants, if applicable

Should the village have resumed its Wednesday Night Concert Series?  It’s too late for second-guessing now.  Instead, let’s do our part by practicing physical distancing, wearing a mask in public when distancing isn’t an option, and wash our hands.  We’ve done this before, and we can do it again!

Video: Rebecca Watson on the so-called ‘Neck Gaiter’ study (Non-fiction)

Rebecca Watson recently released a video detailing the study behind the news reports claiming that neck gaiters are worse than not wearing a mask.  Basically, the study wasn’t about the effectiveness of various kinds of mask, but about a possible method to test the effectiveness of masks:

As this article from ScienceNews points out, the type of material, thickness, and the environment are the most important factors to the effectiveness of any face covering.  Droplets don’t tell the whole story, and hopefully, more studies will be conducted to determine which face coverings, aside from N95 masks, are the most effective.

I think I’ll stick with the cloth and coffee filter masks my wife makes for personal use.

Web Exclusive: Interstellar court arrests conservative lawyers for attempted genocide (Fiction)

File photo of Judge Kilos Surgon.

By Reporter X

Conservative lawyers who attempted to reopen Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base and embarrass Illinois Governor JB Pritzker lost their case and were arrested for attempted genocide.

“No law or procedure can override the Interstellar Commonwealth’s ban on genocide,” said Judge Kilos Surgon of the Clow UFO Base Court of Extraterrestrial Affairs in the 109,298,291 Circuit.

The lawyers, who work for the Illinois Interstellar Policy Institute, argued that Pritzker cannot extend his emergency orders regarding food service workers at Illinois’s UFO Bases.  Therefore, Clow UFO Base should be reopened, and Pritzker should pay restitution to the Weathertech Restaurant.

“Weathertech is running out of space to store its plastic scraps,” argued David X. Smith, Esq. “We have to reopen Clow so Weathertech can spend its money on executives bonuses instead of storage rentals.”

“What about the health and safety of the residents of Bolingbrook?” asked Surgon.

“What about it?” asked Smith.  “We’d never profit if we worried about people’s health.  That’s socialism!”

“And?”

“It’s socialism!”

“So?  Socialism does not automatically mean authoritarianism.”

While the Village did not send a lawyer on its behalf, the Union of Clow UFO Base Culinary Workers argued against reopening.  Pat Z. Leonard, Esq. argued that Pritzker had nothing to do with the lockdown of Clow UFO Base.  Former Mayor Roger Claar ordered to close Clow, she argued, and it was granted by the Illuminati, the secret pages in the Illinois Constitution, and Article VIII of the US Constitution.  Article VIII is also known as the “Secret Society Article” and has never been released to the public.  Leonard concluded by stating even the preamble of the US Constitution gives both Pritzker and current Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta the authorization to lockdown Clow UFO Base.

“There’s no tranquility during a pandemic.  A viral invasion of this magnitude requires a common defense.  There is no general welfare when everyone is sick.  Citizens are deprived of liberty when they are hospitalized or dead.  There is no prosperity when citizens are afraid to work or shop.  Both the governor and the mayor swore to uphold the US Constitution.  With hospitalizations rising in Illinois, it would be unconstitutional for either of them to reopen Clow UFO Base!”

Leonard concluded that even with Clow’s anti-viral technology, the use of masks, and social distancing, there was still a risk of the virus infecting crew and aliens.  Some aliens could even spread the virus throughout the galaxy.

Smith countered: “My Constitution says it is important to own a gun and have the libs!  That’s why this court must rule in our favor and find ways to humiliate the governor if he refuses to obey.”

“Even if people get sick?”

“Freedom is important!  Besides, the greater crime is that the JB removed a bathroom so he could reduce his property taxes.  That’s what we should really be focusing on.”

“Do you have me confused with that Clay County judge?”

Surgon asked if the IIPI planned on bringing its executives back to its offices.  The judges laughed and said they weren’t essential workers, but “important thought leaders.”

Surgon then ruled against the IIPI and ordered the arrest of the lawyers on genocide charges.

“My clients are innocent,” said Joe V. Zimmerman.  “We plan on arguing that any form of punishment or accountability violates our clients’ religious liberties.”

Leonard praised the ruling:  “The coronavirus is a serious threat to the wellbeing of our state and our galaxy.  My clients and my firm will do anything do defend our UFO Base and our residents from the virus and its COVIDots allies!”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

(Link) Ed Yong’s ‘How the Pandemic Defeated America’ (Non-fiction)

Ed Yong’s excellent article in the Atlantic, “How the Pandemic Defeated America,” is a devastatingly honest account of why the United States has the worst COVID-19 outbreak in the world:

Despite its epochal effects, COVID‑19 is merely a harbinger of worse plagues to come. The U.S. cannot prepare for these inevitable crises if it returns to normal, as many of its people ache to do. Normal led to this. Normal was a world ever more prone to a pandemic but ever less ready for one. To avert another catastrophe, the U.S. needs to grapple with all the ways normal failed us. It needs a full accounting of every recent misstep and foundational sin, every unattended weakness and unheeded warning, every festering wound and reopened scar.

Yong details how the combination of an inept President, an inadequate health care system, decades of racist policies, and early reopenings as reasons for the widespread outbreak in the US.  Even Coronavirus Task Force member Dr. Deborah Brix admits that the virus is “extraordinarily widespread,” even into the rural and urban areas.

Eventually, COVID-19 will be manageable either through treatments or vaccines.  We will be able to get close to one another, go out to places, and travel again.  But as Yong shows in his article, it will take a very long time for the country to recover from the economic and social problems exposed and exacerbated by the pandemic.

Bolingbrook Mayor Alexander-Basta confronts COVID-19 ‘zombies’ at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander Basta (From the Village of Bolingbrook.)

By Reporter X

One day after becoming acting mayor of Bolingbrook, Mary Alexander-Basta faced her first challenge when 20 armed protesters tried to storm Clow UFO Base. 

The human protesters marched towards Clow brandishing long rifles and chanting things like,: “Masks are Murder,” “COVID is Cool,” and “Lockdown liberals!”

The protesters claimed they were followers of Bolingbrook Resident “Mr. G,” and claim he ordered the “liberation march” on Clow.

“COVID-19 is a hoax,” said a mask-less man who refused to provide his name.  “It’s a fake biological weapon created in China to harm President Trump and help libtards make America suck!  We can’t let the Chinese shutdown Bolingbrook!  We must reopen Clow UFO Base to save Bolingbrook.”

When the protesters reached the sealed entrance, Pete, the leader of the march, demanded that the protesters be let inside.  A woman, who spoke through an intercom, said Clow was under the “Doomsday Directive” due to the pandemic.  Clow, she explained, could only be reopened under a joint order from the Mayor and the head of the “Doomsday Crew.”

“We’re not coming out any time soon,” said the woman.  “Have you seen the positivity rates in Will County?”

“We are protesters,” Pete replied.  “That means we are immune to the hoax Chinese Virus.  We are also armed.  So you have to let us in so you can stand still as we get into your face.”

“No,” the woman snapped and fired a sonic attack at the protesters.  As the protesters recovered, she continued.  “We know what’s going on outside.  Coronavirus isn’t just infecting your lungs and blood.  It’s infecting your brains too!  It’s tricking you into thinking that a virus that has killed hundreds of thousands is a hoax.  It’s making you question germ theory.  It’s convinced you that you can only be free by infecting others!  You think you’re fighting for freedom?  You’re really fighting for the coronavirus.  All of you are a bunch of Coronavirus zombies!”

As Pete and the other protesters yelled back at the woman, Alexander-Basta and Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler arrived with several Men in Blue, and the Clow Special Forces Team.

Lawler said to Alexander-Basta: “Since you don’t get control of the Men in Blue until after Midnight, I’m going to teach you how we handle riots at Clow.”

Alexander-Basta, who was already wearing a KN95 mask, finished putting on protective goggles and gloves.  She turned to Lawler and said: “I got this.”  

While Lawler protested, Alexander-Basta walked up to Pete, grabbed an ear lobe, and pulled his head down.

“Young man you are in serious trouble,” said Alexander-Basta.  “You are trespassing on Village Property, and violating two of the 3 Cs.  Your friends are too crowded and too close to each other.  This is the third super spreader event this week in Bolingbrook, and since your name isn’t Roger, I can do something about it.”  Alexander-Basta pulled harder on his ear.  “You and your friends are grounded for the next 14 days.  Do you understand?”

“But freedom—”

“Would you rather have Michael and the Men in Blue decide your punishment?  He might be inclined to charge you with a war crime for using a biological weapon against our village!”

Pete gave the stand-down order to the protesters and they surrendered their guns to the Men in Blue. 

Alexander-Basta walked back to Lawler and said: “There are times when you have to be a good mom, and times when you have to be a mean mom.  This was the time to be a mean mom.”

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was not available for comment:

“Now you want to interview her because she just became mayor.  Well, right now she’s in a meeting and can’t be bothered.  Just between you and me, the woman she’s talking to is wearing such a vividly green dress.”

In the background, a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta said: “Are you talking about The Manual: I’m Right and You’re a Stupid Liar: How To Run Bolingbrook The Roger Claar Way?”

A woman replied: “No.  This is a book we’ve kept hidden for over 40 years!”

“Wow!  That’s almost before Roger.”

“Yes.  We hid it from Bob, Ed, and even Roger.  Now we can reveal it to you.”

“I’m honored…Oh!  It’s another manual.  You’ve Come A Long Way Baby: How to be a female mayor in Bolingbrook by Mayor Nora Wipfler.  I don’t know what to say.”

“Then listen to our warning:  Beware of ambitious men and the woman who support them.”

Further in the background, a woman who sounded like Charlene Spencer, covert social media operative, said: “Okay Sheldon, what are you going to tell Our Revolution Bolingbrook?”

A man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts said: “I have concerns about Amazon’s treatment of its workers.”

“And what are you going to tell the Bolingbrook Jaycees?”

“Are they still around?”

“I’m working on it.  So what are you going to say to them?”

“I will not let Cancel Culture cancel Bolingbrook’s economic development.”

“You’ve got this Sheldon!”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook survives first post-Claar weekend
Weredeer leader insults the new mayor of Bolingbrook
Alien infected with COVID-19 gets a double brain transplant
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/6/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Aliens and Illuminati sponsor an emotional and extravagant retirement party for Mayor Claar (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Mayor Claar delivers his retirement speech while an alien watches.

Mayor Roger Claar (Left) delivers his retirement speech while alien ambassador Zokla (Right) looks on.

Friends, allies, and aliens paid tribute to Mayor Roger Claar at his retirement party Saturday night.  It was live-streamed from the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

Claar, who was appointed mayor and administrator of Clow UFO Base in 1986, enjoyed a retirement party hosted by the Illuminati and the Interstellar Commonwealth.  Most of the guests watched online, while 49 “special human guests” attended with Claar.  All the special guests wore biohazard suits.

“I knew someone would throw a retirement party for me,” Claar said to the guests.  “I never dreamed it would happen during a pandemic.  Now the Illuminati didn’t create the coronavirus, but boy did they do a good job of exploiting it!”

The highlight of the retirement party was the world premiere of “Roger!” a musical about Claar’s rise from school administrator to the longest-serving mayor in Bolingbrook’s history, as well as the first Bolingbrook mayor to win re-election. Former Styx lead singer Dennis DeYoung played Claar, accompanied by a cast of aliens.  Claar seemed to enjoy the songs, including “Breathe Fresh Air (Go Vote for Claar), “If I Had a Campaign Fund,” “Why Can’t I Convict You DA (James Glasgow’s Theme),” “Toll Riding,” “George Ryan is everywhere (Including Jail),” “A Few for the Road,” “Bonnie Can’t Beat Me,” and “The Foes Are Uniting Against Me! (Jackie’s Theme)”

“That was the best musical I’ve seen since Hamilton,” Claar said after the show.  “Dennis, you’ve come a long way since Kilroy was Here!”

“Thank you,” replied Young.  “I just needed the right inspiration.  I thought Robots and Rock would inspire me, but it was you all along.”

Steve, the grand king of the Wereskunks, gave Claar a ball of newspaper. He said it was the highest honor the wereskunks could bestow on a human:

“When garbage toters spread throughout Chicagoland, you said no.  Thanks to you, our cousins still have easy access to garbage.  We were going to worship you, but you said that was too much.  So please accept our highest honor, and the promise that we will support any candidate who will hold the line against garbage toters!”

“Thank you,” said Claar as he wiped his eyes.  “I think I got some Rum and Coke in my eyes.”

Trustee Michael Carpanzano gave Claar a picture of himself in a gold frame:

“Roger, you’ve had many trustees, and I wanted to give you something that would remind of you them.”

“It’s just a picture of you.”

“So?”

Trustee Sheldon Watts gifted Claar with a photo of a galaxy and a Bible:

“You are a faithful person and believe in science.  I hope you will think of me when you enjoy these gifts.”

“I’ll think about Michael and you when endorsement season starts.”

Zokla, an ambassador from the Interstellar Commonwealth, talked about Claar’s years as administrator of Clow UFO Base:

“When Roger talked about growing the population of Bolingbrook, and expanding the size of Clow UFO Base, we thought we might need to perform an intervention.  Over thirty Earth orbits later, Bolingbrook has grown from about 40,000 people to around 74,545 people.  I was going to say it is still growing, but who knows?”  Anyway, Clow is the largest urban UFO Base in the world, and still has the fewest number of security breaches per capita.  So, Roger, now that you are retiring, what are you going to do with your oversized interstellar campaign fund?”

“None of your damn business,” Claar replied.

Later, Claar thanked those who attended the party.  He then presented a holographic slide show about his achievements as mayor:

“We’ve grown from a small underdeveloped village to a large village.  We have the best luxury golf club, and we are the only Chicago suburb to develop its own mansion district!  Former Mayor Bob Bailey built a road to nowhere.  I built factories and office parks on it.  People love me so much, that I have one of the largest campaign funds in Illinois!  There used to be many political parties in Bolingbrook.  I got that number down to one. People trusted me to get rid of those who didn’t put Bolingbrook first!”

Claar apologized to Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler:  “I’m going to break my rule and use the ’s’ word.  I’m sorry I’m leaving you with a pandemic, retail stores in decline, protesters, and a rising opposition party.  I want to spend more time with my family, because who knows if we’re going to survive the year 2020?  But don’t worry.  I’m putting two of my best people in charge of Village Hall, and I’m returning the mayor’s job to a part-time position.  This will discourage that opposition party, and secure my legacy for at least a year.”

“Roger,” Lawler replied, “When I met you, Bolingbrook was a washed-out community.  It’s a washed-out community again, and I think I remember how we fixed it last time…Oh no.  I did it again.”

“Yes, you did, but if you screw this up, I’ll find out, no matter where in the world I may be. Then I’ll use my campaign fund and political action committee to fix things.  By the way, everyone here is welcome to make a donation to either fund.”

Claar then finished his speech thanking the residents of Bolingbrook for electing him, and the Illuminati for supporting him.

“I guess the word really is pronounced ‘Fnord’ and the ’n’ isn’t silent.  Oh well, I don’t have to worry about that anymore.”

QAnon, representing the Illuminati, performed the Rite of Fire and said Claar had just been appointed to the Illuminati’s Order of the Stairway.

“What will I have to do?”

“For now, just collect your Illuminati pension.  We’ll find you when the time comes.”

“That sounds ominous.”

“Let me tell you something:  Keep an eye on the junior guy.”

“I suppose that means something.”

“Trust me.”

QAnon then commanded Young to play one more song.  Young and his band started to perform “Come Sail Away.”

In the middle of the song, Claar walked up to his daughter and said he had a surprise for her waiting on the Moon.

“But we can’t leave yet,” his daughter replied.  “Are we going to tell the guests to attend your last Village Board meeting on Tuesday, July 28 at 7:00 PM?  Or to watch the trustees attempt to stage dive in your honor?”

“Whatever (name redacted).  We’re out of here.”

Also in the Babbler:

Claar orders all weredeer out of Bolingbrook
Roger Claar Party members arrested for painting ‘Claar Matters’ on Lindsey LN
Weredog protesters demand Trustee Jaskiewicz be appointed Mayor of Bolingbrook
Babbler to publish special Roger Claar edition on Wednesday
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/30/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.