Aliens celebrate as Clow UFO Base’s restaurants reopen (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Aliens from across the galaxy flocked to Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base to celebrate the official reopening of its restaurants.

“It’s been a hard year,” said Clow Administrator and Mayor-elect Mary Alexander-Basta.  “Outside of Clow, we’re still not out of the woods.  The risk of unvaccinated humans getting infected is still high.  Inside Clow, however, every staff member is vaccinated, and most of our visitors are either immune or vaccinated.  So we can safely reopen everything!  So let’s a take a moment to mourn the dead, then celebrate our survival!”

Festivities included a flyover by the Unidentified Ariel Phenomena team, a team of aliens who like to spy on the US military.  While the team have attacked other less advanced civilizations, they insist they have no hostile intentions towards Earth.

“Sure we like to play ‘war games,’” said Goldst Postu, leader of the team.  “But Earth is under the protection of the Interstellar Commonwealth, so all we can do is admire your primitive military.  It would be fun to take on the US military.  We love a good sporting war.  If we don’t fight primitive militaries, they’ll attack each other.  That’s bad for all the civilians on a planet.  Too bad the Commonwealth doesn’t understand that. ”

One of the most popular places to reopen was the Weathertech Restaurant, where scraps from the Bolingbrook factory are transformed into culinary dishes.  While all of the dishes are unfit for human consumption, it is a popular interstellar tourist attraction. For the reopening, visitors waiting in line received free Mat Soup served in edible cups.

Lozgolz , who traveled from across the Milky Galaxy for the reopening, said: “Weathertech’s plastic dishes are great.  I wish humans could enjoy the taste of Weathertech instead of just using their plastic for containers and mats.”

Joshie Berger, owner of Worst to First and winner of the second season of Worst Cooks in America, had the loudest reopening celebration.  Berger started by delivering a long winded rant to the first guests.  He accused “feminists” and “Mother Nature” of trying to “cancel” him:

“I may have lost income and a guest rogue spot on the (Skeptics Guide to the Universe), but thanks to the Illuminati, I’m back and better than ever!  But I’m not here to talk about the evil women who drove me out of the skeptical movement!  I’m here to serve politically incorrect dishes, and deliver commentary that can’t be canceled!”

All the human guests complained about the “Gaslight Special” which included “Richard Carrier Bean Soup,” “Michael Shermer’s Grievance-free Cabbage Delight,” and “Ben Radford’s Ten Bean Delight.”  Many complained about the smells from the dining area, but some complained about experiencing hallucinations.

Paula, who asked that her last name not be used, claimed she might have hallucinated:  “I heard Richard Dawkins making transphobic remarks.  When I complained to the waiter, he said Richard Dawkins wasn’t in the restaurant.  Then Richard walked up to me and said he wasn’t there and if he was, I was misquoting him.  I just paid my bill and went to the nearest oxygen bar to clear my head.”

On a video chat, a receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.  

In the background, Alexander-Basta, Trustee Sheldon Watts, Trustee Michael Carpanzano, and covert social media operative Charlene Spencer were sitting in a conference room.

Alexander-Basta said: “Okay.  Sheldon has agreed to stop calling me a ‘trustee-mayor abomination’ because I will be resigning my trustee position.  I agreed not to taunt him for the next year and a half.  Now, Charlene and Michael, I think it is time to set aside your differences and work together to promote Bolingbrook and stand against the Bolingbrook United insurrection.  It’s time to reunite Team Yin and Yang.  What do each of you think?”

Carpanzano replied: “While my opponent brags about being evil, has questionable ties to the Dark Web, and should be banned for life from the Internet, I will refuse to engage in personal attacks, and work for the good of the village.”

Spencer replied: “While my opponent owes his success to intellectual property theft, and does a horrible Pollyanna impersonation, I will use my unique connections to promote Bolingbrook and fight our common enemy.”

Carpanzano countered: “While I can work in the same room as my opponent, I will not give her the pleasure of hearing her lies.”  Carpanzano pulled out a rubber carp and held it up to her face:  “You are now carped.”

Spencer frowned and said: “While my opponent thinks he can ignore my truthful comments, I cannot be canceled.”  She pulled out a rubber alligator gar from her purse and held it up to Carpanzano’s face:  “I counter with my alligator gar!”

Alexander-Basta smiled.  “This is a starting point.”

Also in the Babbler:

Roger Claar Party demands recount following fifth place finish
PZ Myers to open Bolingbrook restaurant that caters to spiders
Russia threatens to unleash April snow attack on Chicagoland
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/21/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

“Is the worst yet to come?” A look back at a year of COVID (Non-fiction)

On March 11, 2020, The World Health Organization officially declared COVID-19 a pandemic.  The same day, Dr. Fauci testified at a Congressional Hearing and was asked if the worst was yet to come.

 

He was right.  Over 500,000 died in the US, and that’s probably an undercount.  That’s still more than the number of US fatalities from WW II, Korea, and Vietnam combined.

The virus wasn’t the only terrible thing from the past year.  Anti-science beliefs that once seemed confined to the fringes moved into mainstream politics.  I still haven’t figured out the whole “The virus is a hoax and isn’t real, but it was made in a Chinese laboratory, so, therefore, we must be at all people of Asian descent, even if they have no ties to China.” The Republican Party discarded the facade of being responsible, patriotic defenders of life.  They revealed themselves as dangerous overgrown preteen fans of Donald Trump, willing to endanger others to satisfy their selfish desires and throw insurrection tantrums if they didn’t get their way.  One of my characters, Charlene Spencer, bragged about importing a book called Democracy is Dumb.  That could just as easily be the motto of the Republican party.  Some churches were willing to endanger their communities to make money, and the Supreme Court was willing to go along with it.

There was some good.  There were also many protests against police brutality and racism.  The vast majority were peaceful.  What violence did occur was mostly initiated by governments, vigilantes, or infiltrators.  Despite the distraction of the “defund the police” slogan, Black Lives Matter’s support improved among white Americans, and more whites were willing to learn about racism.

I was fortunate over the last year.  To the best of my knowledge, I never had COVID, I was able to work remotely, and I lived in an area where I could practice social distancing.  I wasn’t, however, untouched.  I lost a family member to COVID, and I know people who were infected, including long haulers.

Looking forward, I hope the American Recovery Act and the vaccines move us to a new and hopefully better normal.  I really do hope I can get the vaccine at some point in the new year.

But I also know that while Trump is facing legal issues, Trumpism is still going strong.  With Congress closely divided and voter suppression efforts by the Republicans, the politicians inspired by Trump could make come back.

So, I have hope that things will get better, but the worst could still be yet to come.  If we let it.

Chicagoland’s UFO bases reopen (Fiction)

By Reporter X

All three of Chicagoland’s UFO Bases officially reopened last week after 100% of their employees received the COVID-19 vaccine from Venus.

Clow UFO Base

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base held a “Grand Reopening Rave” to celebrate.

Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta welcomed the staff back to Clow by reading a letter cosigned by both her and Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar. It stated:  “Thanks to the ingenious leadership of my predecessor, Roger Claar, Clow is safely open for business and Bolingbrook is once again the most important village in the galaxy. This makes me the most important mayor in the galaxy. Fnord!”

“You’re actually the acting mayor,” interrupted Trustee Sheldon Watts, a member of the Bolingbrook Independent Voices party and candidate for Mayor.

“Only until I beat you in the April 6TH election,” said Alexander-Basta.

Alexander-Basta also thanked the “Doomsday Crew” who were sealed inside Clow for months before evacuating to the Moon last November. She said: “I want to thank everyone one of you for your sacrifices.  Crew members like Jill, who has been separated from her husband all this time.  So Jill, how did it go when you finally reunited with your husband?”

Jill replied:  “He served me with divorce papers after I told him I was pregnant and he did the math.  Hey, I was just doing my duty to repopulate Bolingbrook.”

Alexander-Basta replied: “I’m glad that you put Bolingbrook first, which just happens to be the philosophy of the First Party for Bolingbrook.”

After the speeches, DuPage Township Trustee Dennis Raga started playing dance music.  As the music played, Raga said:  “Some people say vaccines will save DuPage Township.  Vaccines are good, but we’re going to save it with booze, boobs, and EDM!  Say it with me.  Booze!  Boobs!  EDM!”

A woman who resembled DuPage Township Clerk candidate Deborah Williams replied: “Screw that.  Get with the times, Dennis.  Purge the Left!  Stop the Steal!  Troll them all!”

Alexander-Basta walked up to her and said: “Can you please not say that?  You’re supposed to be part of the We Care Team.”

The woman said: “Caring is for commies!  We’re officially known as the DuPage Township Freedom First Slate!  Now stop bugging me, or my friend Lyn will post about you!”

Peotone UFO Base

Peotone UFO Base held a short opening ceremony.  Will County Board member Jackie Traynere, who is also a candidate for Bolingbrook Mayor, addressed the staff:

“I’m proud that I was able to secure the Venus vaccine for all the UFO bases in Chicagoland.  I’m also proud to announce that a portion of revenue from Peotone will fund our CARES act grant program.  We may be divided by political party, municipalities, townships, and secret society memberships, but we are all united as Will County residents.  If I happen to be elected the Mayor of Bolingbrook, I will unite both of our great UFO bases!”

Rob Sherman UFO Base

Instead of a celebration, Rob Sherman UFO Base in Palatine offered each alien visitor on opening day a free human suit and coupons.

“We need each of you to shop in Palatine,” said Village Manager Reid Ottesen.  “Each purchase you make will help a local business, and make it easier for me to keep our mayor distracted!  Just promise to keep the sonic booms to a minimum when you fly away, okay?”

“Where are the dispensaries?” asked an alien.

“I’ll tell you, but only if you promise to buy your munchies in Palatine,” said Ottesen.

“Deal!” said the alien, “I can’t wait to consume lots of chips and dip.”

“Leave some for the residents.”

Also in the Babbler:

Some Kansas City Chief fans demand the NFL ‘fix’ Super Bowl LV
Snow Command blames Russians for blocking driveway with snow
Sources: Bolingbrook considering Iowa travel ban
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/10/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2021! (Fiction)

Will Representative Bill Foster save Congress in 2021? (File Photo)

It’s that time of year when the Babbler’s Council of Psychics announces its predictions for the new year.  Normally, they’re extremely accurate, but many readers have pointed out that our psychics didn’t predict the COVID-19 pandemic.

Many psychics didn’t predict the pandemic and are trying to hide behind post hoc rationalizations of their predictions.  Our psychics, however, admit that they didn’t foresee the pandemic.  They are still trying to figure out how they missed something that, to date, has killed nearly 2 million people globally, crashed the global economy, and altered our daily lives.  The council won’t hide behind the fact that pollsters were also off in 2020.  Instead, they apologize for their massive pre-cognition failure and strive to do a better job this year.  

Still, our psychics did correctly predict unrest in the United States, the impeachment and acquittal of President Donald Trump, a disputed Iowa Caucus, Mayor Roger Claar’s retirement, the return of activist Bonnie Kurowski to Bolingbrook’s political scene, and President Trump’s attempt to overturn the 2020 election.

So what do our psychics think will happen in 2021?

1

The Bolingbrook Election Board, consisting of Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta, Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler, and Acting Village Clerk Martha M. Barton, will hold a hearing on disputed nomination petitions for the 2021 municipal election.  Alexander-Basta will ask the village attorney if it is legal for the board to only have members of the First Party for Bolingbrook.  The attorney will reply that under Illinois law, it is legal. 

Alexander-Basta will then say: “Okay!  Let’s cut to the chase!  You’re off the ballot.  You’re off the ballot.  You’re off the ballot.  Every defendant is off the ballot!”

The board will unanimously approve the resolution.  As they start to leave, the lawyer for the First Party for Bolingbrook will ask if they were joking.  Lawler will say no because he wanted to spend time with his grandchildren.  The lawyer will remind the board that their ruling removed all the First Party candidates because there were objections filed against them too.

“Oops,” Lawler will reply.

When Will County Clerk Lauren Staley Ferry hears that she will have to manage an all write-in race for Bolingbrook’s village board, her screams will be heard as far north as Naperville.

2

Thousands of armed militias and QAnon supporters will attack Washington D.C. while a joint session of Congress counts the Electoral College’s votes.  While chanting, “burn the swamp,” they will burn down the White House.  Oddly enough, the White House will be empty and unguarded at the time.

Despite Vice-President Mike Pence’s stalling, both chambers will declare Vice-President Joe Biden and Sen. Kamala Harris the official winners of the 2020 election.  The protesters will surround the Capitol Building and demand Trump be anointed President.  Thanks to quick thinking by Representative Bill Foster and Representative Sean Casten, the legislators are able to tunnel their way to safety.

Foster will say, “I designed the drilling laser.  Sean built it.  That’s why we need scientists in Congress!”

3

A B-2 stealth bomber will crash into Bolingbrook Golf Club’s course.  There will be no civilian casualties, but the course will be unplayable due to radioactive contamination.

It will be revealed that the crew chose to deliberately crash the plane rather than obey Trump’s order to drop a nuclear bomb on Indianapolis.  Trump issued the order in retaliation for Pence failing to overturn the election in Congress.

Trump’s cabinet will finally use the 25th Amendment to remove Trump.

Harris will say, “Better late than never.”

Biden will promise not to hold “this unfortunate incident” against Republicans and will spend time attacking the more liberal members of the Democratic Party.

The Village of Bolingbrook will sell the Golf Club to the Federal Government, which will turn the area into a memorial to “those who fought against the enemies of freedom, both domestic and foreign.”

“See,” Trustee Michael Carpanzano will say, “The village profited from the Golf Club.  Yes, it did take several years and the tragic sacrifice of a brave air crew, but the First Party came through in the end.  That’s why you should never question our decisions!”

4

 Bolingbrook will celebrate the end of COVID-19 restrictions by hosting a Nickelback concert.

“I don’t care if Nickelback is performing,” a resident will say.  “I just want to hear live music!”

5

Former atheist activist David Silverman will move to Bolingbrook and announce his candidacy for Governor of Illinois:

“I fought God and now I’m going to fight Illinois’ corrupt political machine!”

He will, however, spend most of 2021 fighting with his homeowners’ association over placing a billboard on top of his house:

“If religious residents of Bolingbrook are allowed to virtue signal with their churches and mosques, then I should be allowed to (expletive deleted) signal with my billboards!  Free speech is under attack and I’m going to fight back whether you like it or not!  So shut up and give me your money!”

6

To the surprise of many Trumpsters, President Biden will still be alive at the end of his first year in office:

“It’s been a hard year.  The government is still shut down. McConnell’s Senate won’t approve any of my cabinet nominees.  Florida only recognizes Trump as the President, and QAnon complains every time I eat pizza.  But I have faith that our country will pull through these dark times, and some Republicans will come around and work with me.”

Also in the Babbler:

Anti-alien protesters arrested outside of Clow UFO Base
Werecoyotes spotted in Palatine
Weredogs endorse Bolingbrook United’s slate
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/30/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Web Exclusive: ‘Doomsday Crew’ evacuates Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

In another blow to Bolingbrook’s economy, Clow UFO Base’s “Doomsday Crew” will close the base this week and relocate to the moon.

The crew released a statement stating:  “It is not safe to keep Clow UFO Base open in any capacity.  The 19.8% positivity rate in our COVID region is too high, and although we are glad the courts dismissed lawsuits challenging the Governor’s mitigation orders, it is not enough.  With Dr. Scott Atlas’ recent threats to Michigan and the President determined to infect this country, we believe the pro-virus forces are too strong to keep out.  To protect the safety of the solar system and the galaxy, we must evacuate.”

According to Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, the Interstellar Commonwealth will transport the crew to a quarantine camp on the moon.  The Commonwealth hopes the crew will be able to return to Bolingbrook by Valentine’s Day.  

“If humanity can’t get this pandemic under control,” said an anonymous employee at the department, “then our crew members have the option of relocating to zoos across the galaxy.  They could be used as part of a breeding program to save humanity.  Hey.  They knew this could happen when they volunteered.”

In addition to evacuating the crew, any alien visitors must also leave the Bolingbrook area by the end of the week.  

“This stinks,” says Xoblock, an anthropologist from Ross 128b.  “My university spent a fortune so I could personally observe how Bolingbrook residents deal with a pandemic.  I guess I’ll have to watch them from orbit, but it won’t be the same.”

In a televised announcement, Bolingbrook Village Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz urged residents to wear masks and to follow COVID-19  mitigation measures:  “Stay at home if you can, and wear a mask and social distance if you can’t.  Order lots of takeout meals.  The sooner we can get this virus under control, the sooner we can reopen (Clow UFO Base.)”

Trustee Sheldon Watts released a statement regretting the crew’s departure:  “God has given us the science to find a vaccine, and the strength to do what must be done to both reopen Clow, and to rebuild Bolingbrook.  Don’t be a tool of Satan.  Wear a mask to save lives and save our UFO Base.”

According to sources, the Interstellar Commonwealth will decide on issuing a “No landing” order for all of North America by Friday.  If enacted, all UFO bases in the United States and Canada would be forced to temporarily close until the start of the Biden administration.

Clow Airport will remain open.

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Dr. David Gorski on the ‘Great Barrington Declaration’ (Non-Fiction)

Dr. David Gorski over at Science-Based Medicine has a great post on the Barrington Declaration:

As for herd immunity, listen to this epidemiologist explain why, without a vaccine, trying to reach herd immunity is unlikely to be successful without massive death:

The main problem is something very basic — herd immunity requires IMMUNITY to the disease. When people are proposing herd immunity as an exit strategy for COVID-19, what they are implicitly arguing is that, once infected, you cannot get the disease again — you are immune.

Unfortunately, we know that this simply isn’t the case. There are already widespread reports of people getting reinfected with COVID-19, and worryingly some of these people are having MORE severe infections the second time around. This makes herd immunity in the traditional sense largely unreachable, because some people can clearly get infected and transmit the virus on to others over and over again.

We also don’t know how long the immunity will last even in people who get infected and are then immune. Some people may be immune for months, some for years, some for their entire lives — we simply have very little idea and won’t know for sure for a while yet. If large swathes of the population are infected this year but do not develop long-lasting immunity, chances are we’ll have epidemics in the future as well.

He also notes that this pretty much demolishes the Great Barrington Declaration’s suggestion to have nursing homes staffed only with people who’ve recovered from COVID-19. Why? Because it’s unknown how long their immunity will last, and that immunity might be very transient!

While COVID fatigue is a problem in the United States, Gorski shows that giving up on public health isn’t the answer, and is an act of genocide.

Rebecca Watson: Masks don’t increase Your CO2 (Non-fiction)

From: Rebecca Watson:

Village of Bolingbrook employees scramble to prep the emergency pontoon boat for launch (Fiction)

Village officials are racing against time to get Bolingbrook’s floating command center ready for launch.

“We need a third command center,” said a village employee who asked to remain anonymous.  “2020 isn’t finished with us.  The White House and the Senate are COVID hotspots!  If the Vice-president goes down, there will be a legal fight over whether Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Grassley, or Mike Pompeo will take over.  Then we’ll have to worry about what’s left of the Trump campaign contesting the election results.  At this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised if we ended up in a nuclear war—”

Another village employee shouted: “Don’t give 2020 any ideas!”

According to various sources, Bolingbrook currently has two emergency command centers:  One is a bunker under Village Hall.  The other is a hidden bunker under the Bolingbrook Golf Club.  Since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic, the Golf Club bunker houses an alternate village board, while the current board members work at Village Hall.

In 1997, the village secretly purchased a pontoon boat to use as a floating command center.  At the time, Bolingbrook’s flood plain was expanding and some officials feared a village-wide flood.  It was hoped that the command center would allow the government to keep functioning during the theorized super flood.

After 2002, with the construction of the Golf Club, and ten pillars secretly built under Bolingbrook, the village was no longer in danger of facing a super flood.  Instead of selling the boat, the village hid the boat in then Mayor Roger Claar’s backyard— in case Bolingbrook faced a 100,000-year flood, and the mayor needed to quickly get to the boat.

“Roger liked to do ‘command drills,’” said Pete, a former Bolingbrook employee who asked not to be identified.  “Honestly, we’d do a short drill, then drink beer and go fishing.  The pontoon was state of the art at the time, and is still a good boat.”

The Public Works Department was planning on selling the pontoon until Village co-administrators Ken Teppel and Lucas Rickelman ordered the boat to be “converted back into a command center.”

Stephanie, a village employee who asked that we not use her real name, claims the boat is under-equipped:

“Someone stripped the electronics to make room for a bar and freezer.  I won’t say who.  Anyway, now we’ve got to get it ready in a week and find ways to keep it out of the budget.  We don’t want ‘them’ to know about it.  So far we’re pretending that we bought a new police car, and are using the money to equip the boat.  We’re hoping all the watchdog groups are too obsessed with DuPage Township to notice what we did.”

According to Stephanie, once the boat is equipped, it will be moved to Whalon Lake.  In an emergency, designated village officials will board the boat and cast off.  In theory, all emergency services could be coordinated through the boat’s Internet connection.  Stephanie says village officials believe it is important to have a floating command center:

“Rioters won’t be inclined to swim towards it.  Fires can’t harm it on the lake, and if 2020 throws a flood at us, we’ll be ready!  Plus, the commanders will always have access to fish and water!”

Stephanie also believes that there is a debate over which village officials should be stationed on the boat:

“(Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta) thinks she should be on the boat because she’s the mayor.  The co-administrators think they should be because the Mayor is now a symbolic position.  I’m sure they’ll work it out.  Everyone agrees that (Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz) will not be allowed on the boat.  If he wants to be on the water he can rent a rowboat!”

Trustee Michael Carpanzano denied the existence of the pontoon boat:

“You are such a negative reporter!  There are so many positive things going on in Bolingbrook, and you would know that if your calendar section worked with my Facebook Page instead of with the Bolingbrook Events page!”

In the background, a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta, said: “I just approved Trick or Treating in Bolingbrook this year.  So now I’m the #1 fun mom of Bolingbrook, and I don’t want to mess it up with any distractions.  So we’re going to let you go if you promise not to act like a masked vigilante.”

“I still need to know how you figured out my secret identity.”

“Simple.  Your costume is made of the same material only one company in Bolingbrook uses, and you’re the only person in Bolingbrook who could afford to buy and customize an AGMV.”

“Curses!  But you need me.  Don’t you watch Fox News?  Chicago is burning, and the flames will soon reach Bolingbrook.”

“Chicago isn’t always burning, and when it is, we don’t need real-life superheroes.  We just block the entrances to the Promenade with snow plows and that keeps the looters away.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook Antifa conducts ‘Proud Boy’ exercise
Vampires to hold an emergency blood drive in Naperville
Representative Bill Foster escapes President Trump’s biological attack
God to spare Bolingbrook this week

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Tensions rise as Space Force and Martian Colonial Fleet increase patrols over Bolingbrook (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Space Force Logo

Citing unrest on Earth, both the United States Space Force and the Martian Colonial Fleet announced increased patrols in the Bolingbrook area.  Both sides have bases in Bolingbrook.

“Space Antifa is invading our country!” said Peter Z. Miller, spokesperson for the 1st Space Force High Border Wall Battalion stationed in Bolingbrook.  “They are attacking Kenosha, have a beachhead in Portland, and are sabotaging Chicago!  We will not let suburban housewives in Bolingbrook be subdued by these aliens.  We will not let them destroy your home values.  Our battalion has a message for the Colonial Fleet: You will not survive our storm because where we go one, we go all!”

The Martian Colonial Government released a statement defending their increased patrols in Bolingbrook:  “Earth’s meme pandemic threatens the safety of all visitors to Bolingbrook.  Clow UFO Base may be sealed off from human traffic, but its staff members are still endangered by the meme infected humans surrounding it.  Our new effort will protect members of the Interstellar Commonwealth, and deter the space weaklings from harassing our solar system!  Some humans in Bolingbrook might be also protected as a result of our actions.”

According to eyewitnesses, new patrols have already created tense situations. Several eyewitnesses at the March on Bolingbrook reported an apparent near-miss between a Space Force interceptor and a Colonial destroyer.

“The UFO was just hovering over us,” said Tasha, who asked that we not use her last name.  “It wasn’t bothering us.  Then these weird airplanes charged at it.  I was worried that they were going to collide.  Instead, the UFO became translucent and the airplanes flew right through it like it was a ghost ship.  I guess the UFO was protecting us.  It’s nice to know that aliens believe that black lives matter.”

Other eyewitnesses claim that soldiers from both sides nearly shot at each other at the Bolingbrook Portillo’s.

“I was nervous when I saw those two men wearing blue camouflage,” said Mary, who asked that we not use her last name.  “They were eyeing two Black men I’d never seen before.  Then one of the camouflage guys yells he’s under attack and starts firing at us.  I thought we were goners, but his shots were blocked by a force field.  The two Black men stood up and said something in a weird language.  The camouflage guys said something about coming back with better weapons.  Things are really getting bad around here.  My friends say I should vote for Trump to save us from Joe Biden.  But I don’t remember the country descending into anarchy when Joe was the Vice-president.”

Steve, another eyewitness, added: “The scary thing is, if I had thrown my shake at those shooters, and gotten killed, people on the Internet would say I deserved it and then bring up my dirty laundry.  When did it become a crime to defend yourself from a mass shooter?”

The eyewitnesses said the Men in Blue arrived and both soldiers left.  Patrons were offered refunds for their meals and were told not to tell the mainstream media what happened.

A receptionist for Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said she was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta said: “You know, instead of being divided by party, we should try to work together as one big family.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz said: “That’s why I nominated you to be the mayor.”

“Great.  So you understand why it’s important for a family to speak with one voice during a crisis?”

“What are you getting at?”

“What I’m getting at are the new COVID mitigation measures our region is under.  Every voter hates them, and we don’t want the voters to hate us, right?”

“I hate them too, but what’s your solution?”

“We need to make sure that every time we mention them, we point out that they were imposed on us by the state and county.  So Bolingbrook voters will blame (Governor JB Pritzker) and (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere) instead of us.”

“Wait a minute.  We shouldn’t be pointing fingers.  We should be taking the lead to get this virus under control in Bolingbrook.  Maybe we should be following the University of Illinois’ example and encourage mass testing of residents.  Then we can have the infected people isolate themselves until they’re no longer contagious.  We could also explain that the virus is airborne and it’s safer to serve customers outdoors instead of indoors.  Then we can get the positivity rate down and be an example for the rest of Illinois to follow.  Let’s show some real leadership for once!”

“You just have to be the pariah of our family, don’t you?”

Also in the Babbler:

Editorial: Death of Trump supporter in Portland is wrong too
Generation ship crew agrees to avoid Earth on election day
Will County confirms interplanetary absentee ballots will arrive from Peotone UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/3/20

From the Webmaster: It’s mitigation time again, Bolingbrook! (Mixed)

Bad news, Bolingbrook residents:  Due to the rising COVID-19 Positivity rate in Kankakee and Will Counties, IDPH imposed mitigation measures on Region 7, which includes Bolingbrook.  In addition to Clow UFO Base remaining sealed off from human visitors, the following measure will take effect on Wednesday:

Bars:

  • All bars close at 11:00pm
  • No indoor service
  • All bar patrons should be seated at tables outside
  • No ordering, seating, or congregating at the bar (bar stools should be removed)
  • Tables should be 6 feet apart
  • No standing or congregating indoors or outdoors while waiting for a table or exiting
  • No dancing or standing indoors
  • Reservations required for each party
  • No seating of multiple parties at one table

Restaurants:

  • All restaurants close at 11:00pm
  • No indoor dining or bar service
  • Tables should be 6 feet apart
  • No standing or congregating indoors or outdoors while waiting for a table or exiting
  • Reservations required for each party
  • No seating of multiple parties at one table

Meetings, Social Events, and Gatherings:

  • Limit to lesser of 25 guests or 25% of overall room capacity
  • No party buses
  • Gaming and Casinos close at 11:00pm, are limited to 25 percent capacity, and follow mitigations for bars and restaurants, if applicable

Should the village have resumed its Wednesday Night Concert Series?  It’s too late for second-guessing now.  Instead, let’s do our part by practicing physical distancing, wearing a mask in public when distancing isn’t an option, and wash our hands.  We’ve done this before, and we can do it again!