Rowdy wereskunks trash Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Several wereskunks celebrating ‘payday’ caused hundreds of dollars in damage to dumpsters and some Bolingbrook residents’ yards.

According to eyewitnesses, the wereskunks, some of whom appeared to be drunk, said they were celebrating their first ‘payday’ from the Village of Bolingbrook.  These wereskunks claimed that they process Bolingbrook’s new garbage collection fees, and are paid $2 for each bill.

One wereskunk allegedly said, “It’s the easiest work I’ve ever done.  I open an envelope.  I pull out the check.  I record the check.  I give the check to (Village Clerk Carol Penning).  I get paid, and Bolingbrook will ban garbage toters.  That means our cousins get a free meal every garbage day.  I love this village!”

Dawn, who asked that we not use her last name, claims she saw ten wereskunks tearing up the dumpsters in her apartment complex:

“They were gobbling up garbage scraps and praising (Mayor Roger Claar).  Eventually some guy in a strange uniform approached them, and said Roger wanted them to leave.  He also said they wouldn’t be arrested as long as they went back to the woods.  Our  dumpsters are now scrap metal, and the grounds are full of litter.  If I wasn’t a loyal Republican, I’d consider voting for Bolingbrook United in the next election.  Who knows?  I might do it if it would trigger liberals.”

Julie, who asked that we not use her last name, claimed that a mysterious stranger saved her home from a gang of wereskunks:

“These creatures must have been 10 or 11 feet tall.  They said I didn’t pay my garbage fee.  I told them I never received the bill for Roger’s garbage tax.  They said I shouldn’t call it a tax and threatened to spray my home.  Can you believe that?  Fortunately, a drone dropped perfume bombs near the creatures.  They complained about the smell, then ran away.  The drone flew up to my door, and I asked who it was.  “He said he couldn’t tell me, but he did say that in a year and I half I would have a choice between two mayors.  He told me to choose the kind mayor.  Since Roger didn’t try to help me, I think I will.”

Dave, a manager at the new Andy’s Custard off Boughton RD, claims Claar tried to calm down the weredeer:

“I got a call from Roger.  He asked when we were going to open.  I said late next week was the soft test opening…Which is pretty good considering how long construction’s been delayed. Roger said he had a ‘situation’ and needed us to be open now.  So I did a village state of emergency opening of the store.  We had quite a few scruffy customers, but they loved our frozen custard.  I guess we were worth the wait. Though for some reason they went to our dumpster first, instead of the register. ”

A receptionist for Claar denied the existence of weredeer, or that Claar had anything to do with the opening of the second Andy’s Custard.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “In a few days, ANTIFA will be declared a terrorist organization.  What do you think about that, Bob?”

A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz replied, “Anti-fascism is an idea, not an organization.  If Trump goes through with this, does that mean any memorial to World War II soldiers is a monument to terrorism?”

“You just have to ruin everything, Bob.”

Also in the Babbler:

Opinion: Enough with the mass shootings!
Iran spies spotted canvasing for the Green Party
UFO crashes into Bolingbrook resident’s deck
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/1/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Sources: Village of Bolingbrook to invest in earth orbiting ads (Fiction)

In 2021, could Bolingbrook residents look up at the night sky and see an ad for a village event?  Some anonymous sources say the village will invest in orbiting “community service” promotions. 

According to the sources, the village will buy advertisements from SmartRocket. They will look like star constellations, but will actually be a synchronized group of CubeSats.  The initial ads will only have text.  There is, however, talk of adding images and video to future ads.

One of the sources explained:  “Nobody reads the fake press, I mean the local press.  It harms local community groups.  So it’s the village’s responsibility to promote groups whose members create harmony instead of chaos every election year.”

The sources did not specify how much the village would budget for orbiting ads, but SmartRocket confirmed that they sell eight hours of ads for $20,000.

Another source defended the ad buy:  “Bolingbrook is an exceptional village, and our promotion needs to be exceptional.  We might incur some more debt, but it will be good debt!  That’s why the residents elected Trustee Michael Carpanzano.  He has the marketing background necessary to bring Bolingbrook to the night sky.”

Judith, who asked that we not use her last name, is looking forward to the ads: “Stars are so boring to look at, and it’s not like you can see many of them here.  It’s will be nice to look up and see something useful.  (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) is a genius!”

Patricia, who asked that we not use her last name, wants to stop the: “It’s bad enough seeing a satellite fly by when looking up at the stars. Now I fear that I will look up at the sky and see a video of Roger!  This is one of the reasons God will eventually get around to smiting Bolingbrook.  We need less light pollution, not more light pollution tor ads!”

Claar denied any plans to buy orbiting ads:  “No!  No!  Not true!  I am not buying flying ads. And offering free recycling lids does not mean I am appeasing the talking skunks or the wereskunks, or whatever your made-up skunks are called!”

In the background, several people screamed.  A woman who sounded like DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford then said, “They can’t be stopped.  You’ve got to admire their purity of purpose.”

“Who can’t be stopped?”

“You have my sympathies.”

“Where are you going?”

A few seconds later, more people screamed and started running.  A woman who sounded like Village Clerk Carol Penning cried, “We were wrong.  We were so wrong.”

“You know we never say the ‘W’ word in Village Hall.”

“But they’re out of our control.  They didn’t stop with the DuPage Township.  They kept going.  They—”

Penning screamed.

“Who are you running from?” asked Claar.  “It can’t—Oh my God!”

A man with a downstate accent then said, “Your clerk is double dipping the taxpayers of Bolingbrook by collecting two salaries.  She must resign.”

“She will not resign,” Claar replied.  “You will go (expletive deleted) yourself!”

Also in the Babbler:

Russian snow attack angers residents
Aliens hope to attend Bolingbrook Pride Picnic
Mayor Claar to take over Clow UFO Base on 5/1/19
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/16/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Mayor Claar hires wereskunk security detail (Fiction)

Sources —who have friends with relatives that have a connection to village hall— say Mayor Roger Claar recently hired wereskunk bodyguards.

“Sure it might be overkill,” said one source.  “But really, you can never be too careful today.  Some liberal might walk up to Roger and demand healthcare or demand that Bolingbrook reduce CO2 emissions.  The police wouldn’t do anything to protect the mayor from a radical opinion, but a wereskunk in war-skunk form will.”

Mark X. Baggot, an Uber driver in San Fransisco, claims he gave a ride to Claar and two wereskunks:

“Your mayor said they were his friends, but they didn’t look like the people you would normally expect a mayor to hang out with.  One was snacking on dried flies.  The other one said I should keep my eye on the road or he would make my car stink.  At one point your mayor said, ‘You can’t trust certain people in uniform, but I can trust these guys.’  I asked what he was doing.  He said he was campaigning.  His guards laughed until he told them to shut up.”

A manager at Bolingbrook’s Mora Asian Kitchen claims one of Claar’s guards ripped off the lid of their dumpster and started eating the garbage.  According to her, Roger intervened:

“He said if we had served rice with his guard’s dish, he wouldn’t be so hungry.  I said we prefer quality over quantity.  This is the worst part.  He said that was fine for him, but not for his friend.  Then he told me to waive his cover fee for our late night dancing, and give him unlimited ramen.  If we didn’t Roger said he would ‘fairly’ judge our liquor license.  I don’t want to go into too much detail after that.  I can say that at least one wereskunk has some mean dance moves.”

An alleged wereskunk, who asked not to be named, confirmed that they are providing security for Claar.  She says they will receive a portion of the soon to be announced fee for garbage toters and lids for recycling containers.  She says part of the money will be used to buy food to leave out for the local skunks:

“Roger is a genius.  Those who hate paying fees will keep supplying our cousins with free meals.  Those who buy lids and toters will be paying us to help our cousins.  Roger has our backs, and it’s only fair that we should have his back.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy, and there was a line of people waiting to see him.

In the background, a woman who sounded like Charlene Spencer, a covert social media operative, said, “Here’s the script.  You just go to the Bolingbrook Politics page and type these in.  Then you are exempt from the township income tax for the rest of your life.”

A man replied:  “Freedom.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz said, “Charlene, you know that DuPage Township doesn’t have an income tax.”

The man replied, “Fake news.  Fake trustee.  Keep Bolingbrook great.  You’re triggered.  I win.”

A few moments later, Jaskiewicz said, “Charlene, we need to talk.  For years, Roger’s supporters have told us we should support our police department without question.  Now that the police union has endorsed Bolingbrook United, you’re directing his followers to question the residency of each officer. All the officers work here and live within 13 miles of Bolingbrook.  Why is it okay for Roger and his party to accept donations from out of state, but it’s not okay for Bolingbrook United to accept help from M.A.P.?”

“Because I’m playing the election game, Bob.”

“And?”

“And the card says ‘Moops.’”

Also in the Babbler:
Bolingbrook blocks human cannibalism restaurant
Weredeer arrested for polygamy
Developer proposes mile-high ‘Roger Claar Tower’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/7/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction.