(Web Exclusive) Trustee Sheldon Watts proselytizes at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)


By Reporter X

Trustee Sheldon Watts celebrated his reappointment to the Bolingbrook Village Board by preaching to aliens at Clow UFO Base.

“I have walked through the valley of receiving the second fewest votes,” yelled Watts, as he stood in the middle of McDowell plaza.  “I thought I was all alone, except for my family and friends.  Then God guided me to back to his loyal servant Mayor Roger C. Claar.  Now I serve the higher powers of God, Roger, and Bolingbrook!”

For over an hour, Watts sang and preached about God in the Plaza.  Most aliens ignored him, while a few staff members listened to him during their lunch breaks.  Much of his sermon was about his seven months out of office after finishing next to last in a six-person race.

“God guided me to the Illuminati’s Crown and Scepter.  They told me that elections are unenlightened.  How many elected leaders are there in the Bible?  You don’t count votes to find enlightenment: you go to the light!”

One alien walked up to Watts and said: “There is no God.  Stop boring us.”

Watts laughed.  “All of our visitors have seen so much of the universe, yet know so little about how it works.  Let me ask you if there is no God, then how did we get here?”

Quantum Fluctuations and Multiverses are part of the answer.  No, I don’t have all the answers, and neither do you.”

Watts laughed again.

“Then think about this.  If your God exists, maybe he was testing you.”

“He’s always testing us.”

“Maybe instead of accepting the position, you were supposed to refuse it?  Then maybe you were supposed to tell Roger to appoint Terri Ransom to the board because she received more votes than you?  Maybe you aren’t supposed to be here?”

“I’d rather be smart with the Lord than a foolish alien atheist.”

“Whatever.”

Several minutes later, another alien walked up to Watts.

“You’re a lost Bozgot.  Have you heard the real news about how Lozogot sacrificed herself so you could go to the Great Singularity?”

“My savior is Jesus Christ who sacrificed—“

“Jesus cheated death.  Lozogot gave up his immortality so that we can be consumed by the gravity that binds us.”

Watts eventually ended his sermon by saying: “There is one mayor, and there is one God.  Let us be united under them”.

After the sermon, Watts refused to comment to this reporter.

A call to Mayor Claar’s office was answered by a receptionist:

“There is no UFO Base under Clow International Airport, and Bolingbrook’s voters were tricked into voting Sheldon out.  Roger is correcting a great injustice committed against a great resident.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Michael, last year you were at a low point in your life.  Still, you remained loyal to me, and now you’re my Deputy Mayor.  So I’m giving you an early Christmas present.”

After the sound of ripping paper, a man who sounded like Trustee Michael Lawler gasped.  “It’s real!  I’m Right, and You’re a Stupid Liar:  How to Run Bolingbrook the Roger Claar Way.  It’s your manual!

“Yes, and you’re only the second trustee who’s ever seen it.”