Web Exclusive: Were-skunk escorted from Village Board Meeting (Fiction)

Bolingbrook police officers peacefully escorted a were-skunk from the 8/15/17 Village Board meeting. Mayor Roger Claar ordered the male were-skunk removed because he feared that he would spray the room.

“Our procedures for cryptid mammal removal worked,” said Officer Jill.  “Roger first sent a text message to the BCT control booth to end the live broadcast.  Then he signaled us to move in.  Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz distracted the audience with a long speech while we asked the cryptid to follow us.  I’m sure Robert is going to be mad that BCT didn’t televise his entire speech, but he did help us, which we appreciate.”

The alleged were-skunk, who asked to be called Sid, denied that he had any hostile intentions.  He claims that he was there to support Claar:

Image from toter.com

“We heard a rumor that (Roger) was going to discuss a proposal to provide trash toters to all residents.  All because some residents don’t like my cousins eating their garbage.  I also heard that Roger was going to imply that requiring trash toters is a bad Democrat Party idea.  So I wanted to be there to support him.”

Sid added that Were-Skunks, like most omnivores, prefer a variety of foods, besides grubs:

“My cousins love Bolingbrook because sometimes residents will put their garbage on the curb the night before trash pickup.  My braver cousins like to stay up late and open up trash bags after the residents go to work.  Toters make it very hard to get at the tasty food.  It’s so hard for my Chicago cousins because they have to deal with the city’s toters.  Bolingbrook is like a skunk paradise.  We’re not going to let Bolingbrook United take away our free buffet!”

After being removed, Sid said he was disappointed in Roger.  “Roger said nothing when his assistant said he was hoping for a cold winter so my cousins would die.  That was so insensitive!  All we do is eat the food your voters throw out.  Sure we spray, but only in self-defense.  We can live together, and you can learn so much from us.  Just stop acting like Naperville residents!”

Charline Z. Spencer, the public relations intern for the Village of Bolingbrook, denied that a were-skunk was at the village board meeting.

“Where do you get these stories?  The truth is the viewers on BCT suffered through an extra long meeting.  Roger felt that if he kept broadcasting Robert’s speech, there was a risk of viewers dying of boredom.  That’s why we had to de-platform Robert and replace him with a video of an 80s cover band.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Why can’t we redefine residents as anyone who lives within Bolingbrook’s boundaries who supports me?”

A man replied, “Because the state—”

“(Expletive deleted) the state government!”

Update 8/17/17: Bolingbrook Community Television sent us the following statement:

We schedule a certain amount of airtime for the Board meetings. Normally it was for 2 hours. The meeting went over by quite a bit… We have to login remotely to change the time.  We did it twice. But we didn’t get in time for the third time.
For that, we apologize. But it was only trustee comments that got cut.

Chicago police foil kidnaping of the Lake Michigan monster (Fiction)

Chicago Police Department sources say they arrested four Scottish citizens for the attempted kidnapping of Mishy, the Lake Michigan Monster.

According to the CPD,  three men and one woman were caught on a boat with a large fish net and sonar equipment.  When questioned, the group said they “had always wanted to go dragnet fishing in Lake Michigan”.  After further questioning, one of the men confessed that the group was actually trying to capture Mishy.

According to the man, the Loch Ness Monster died eight months ago.  The group hoped to capture Mishy to transport her to Loch Ness.

According to an officer, who wished to remain anonymous, “The group said tourism was suffering because of the lack of Nessie sightings.  One of them said that the town of Loch Ness has no other industry and it was a matter of saving jobs.”

The sources also agreed that the group thought Mishy wouldn’t be missed:

“They did point out the lack of Mishy sightings, and the lack of media reports, as proof that Great Lakes residents don’t care about Mishy.  I don’t know about that.  There’s just so much to do in Chicago, that we’re probably distracted when Mishy surfaces near the city. Sure we sometimes call her a lame lake monster, but we mean it affectionately.”

Since Mishy is listed as a cryptozoological creature, it is illegal to remove her from her natural environment.  Chicago police arrested the four, who are still in custody.

Clark Z. Davis, who claims to be the group’s lawyer, says his clients will be vindicated in court:

“My clients did nothing wrong, besides not having the proper export forms or knowing the arcane rules for International transport of a live animal.  They are not kidnappers!  They are British heroes! I mean Scottish heroes!  Brexit is so confusing!”

James X. Wilson, who claims to be Mishy’s trainer, says she belongs in Lake Michigan and promises more spectacular displays from her:

“We’ve been making progress since our first training session in Lake Geneva.  Since then we’ve been training along upper Lake Michigan.  A TV station did a story about her, and she’s been on YouTube!  She’s almost ready for prime time.”

Wilson walked past the Chicago Lakefront Trail and called out to Mishy:  “Do the hump trick.”

A small wave formed.

“Hump trick!”

Another wave formed.

“Not in the mood today?  No problem.  Stick your neck up!”

A vaguely shaped object surfaced.

“You look like a branch of a sunken log!  Stick your neck up higher!”

The object rolled underwater.

“I don’t blame you.”

Wilson jumped into the lake and swam out several feet.

“OK, Mishy!  Toss me in the air!”

Wilson bobbed in the water.

“That’s better.  See?  This is why I have the best job in city government!”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar:  Certain lawyers only cause “trouble”
Bolingbrook police rescue ‘Royce Road Truther’ from floodwaters
Bolingbrook United asks for embassy at Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/4/17