Manchester Mumbler: Richard Dawkins writes “Dear Fanny” letter to PM Theresa May (Fiction)

Note:  All spellings have been converted to US English.

Sources say that scientist and professional atheist Richard Dawkins wrote a “Dear Fanny” letter to PM Teresa May:

Richard Dawkins and James Randi

File photo of Richard Dawkins and James Randi from TAM 8.

“I guess Richard was really mad about the general election result,” said one source.  “Especially since the Liberal Democrats are still weak, and the Prime Minister might make an alliance with the Democratic Unionist Party.

Many sources confirmed the text of the letter:

Dear Fanny:

Oh, pipe down you silly person.  Yes, you might lose your right to choose an abortion.  Too bad your children might have to face the abuse of learning creationism in school.  Quit your whining about gay rights.  They probably don’t need them anyway.  Stop complaining about the climate.  Learn to swim, wear sunscreen, and think of famine as an opportunity to lose weight!  It’s not so bad that you’re stuck inside a hard border.  You also shouldn’t complain that your NHS money will be going to some unstable backwater of the British Empire.  The biggest concern is that a woman who calls herself Prime Minister needs to form a majority in Parliament.  She lost her majority because she just had to call an early election.  Isn’t that terrible?  So grow some thick skin and stop whining!  At least you aren’t suffering under a Labour government!

Sincerely

Richard Dawkins

Many of the sources say May did not respond well to the letter.

One source explained:  “She wrote back saying that he wasn’t helping.  I suppose this will eventually lead to a Twitter war with the Prime Minister.  We’ll see who gets the last laugh once she controls access to the Internet.”

Dawkins and May could not be reached for comment.

A spokesperson for the Center for Inquiry neither confirmed or denied that the letter was authentic.

“If Richard did write it, then he was obviously trying to make a nuanced point that could be expressed in 147 words.”

No one from the DUP could be reached for comment.

A spokesperson for the Northern Ireland Nationalist Atheist Party released the following statement:

“In keeping with Irish atheist tradition, we will blame PZ Myers for the hung British Parliament.  There will be a 100,000-word post explaining our reasoning.  This post will also blame him for Catholicism, the British Occupation of Northern Ireland, and One Direction!”

Also in the Manchester Mumbler:

Virgin Group begins renovating Kinder Scout UFO Base
Ghost of Paul McCartney spotted in Liverpool
Underworld fail to break world record for longest concert
Dawkins to ignite Twitter on 13/6/17

Manchester Mumbler: UK sells its UFO bases to the Virgin Group Ltd. (Fiction)

Note:  From time to time, the Babbler features articles from our sister publications around the world.  This article comes from the Manchester Mumbler, which serves the Greater Manchester, UK area.  We have translated this article into American English.

By Reporter Zed

Speaking at Peak District UFO Base, Prime Minister Theresa May announced the sale of all United Kingdom UFO bases to the Virgin Group Ltd.:

“Her Majesty’s Government cannot afford to both exit the European Union and maintain UFO Bases.  So when the Virgin Group offered to buy our ownership stake in the bases, we had to accept.  We are sure they will do for interstellar travel what they have done for rail travel in the United Kingdom.”

Virgin Group founder Richard Branson, wearing a bow tie, sports jacket, and jeans, signed the contract formally transferring the bases.

“I decided to dress up for this occasion,” said Branson with a smile.  “This is a great reward after waking up from a nap.”

Branson stated it was a great honor to represent the United Kingdom to the Interstellar Commonwealth:  “Was it ever a good idea to have politicians speak for us?  No offense, Prime Minister, it wasn’t.  However, the distinguished representatives gathered here are more than welcome to permanently abduct Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn.”

The UFO bases will be now be managed by Virgin Galactic.

Branson said: “It will finally live up to its name.”

When asked what his plans were for the newly acquired bases, Branson said Virgin has many plans:

“I’ve toured the bases and they are so drab and dark.  This is no way to greet beings who have traveled thousands of light years to visit us – So we’re going to change the color scheme.  All of our bases will be fun, welcoming places of business!  I want our visitors to feel like they’ve walked into one of the best Virgin Megastores in the Milky Way.”

Branson also promised to change how alien abductions are regulated:

“Right now, your probing missions terrify our citizens.  People shouldn’t have nightmares about the experience  From now on, every probe ship will be required to provide all their abductees with a Virgin Media center.  While you’re doing your business, your guests can watch Virgin TV, play Virgin Games, listen to Music by Virgin Records artists, and receive coupons for any of our subsidiaries’ products or services.”

Though the New World Order will be primarily responsible for keeping all the UFO Bases a secret from the public, Virgin Galactic will assist them with a “new kind of enforcer”:

“We’re going to call it Your Buddies in Red.  There will be male and female buddies.  I like the New World Order, but they haven’t moved beyond crude intimidation tactics.  The Buddies will be your best friend.  You wouldn’t reveal your best friend’s secrets because they know all your secrets.  See how it works?  If you ask nicely, they might even help you move, but that’s a service we haven’t announced yet.”

When repeatedly asked by the interstellar media, he denied that the Virgin Group would ever ally with the Illuminati:

“That’s as unenlightened a thing to do as leaving the European Union.  No offense, Prime Minister – Their promotion of Donald Trump proves their only agenda is global chaos.  That doesn’t fit well with our vision for the world.”

Neither Branson nor May would disclose how much the Virgin Group bought the bases for, or if they would pay taxes on them.

Branson hoped the money would go towards the National Health Service.

May laughed:  “Why would we spend it on sick people when we can conquer Spain instead?”

Also in the Mumbler:

Aliens arrested following global cyberattack
Government denies plan to exile remaining citizens
Richard Dawkins writes ‘Dear Muslima’ letter to Prime Minister May
God to smite Greater Manchester on 15/5/17

Manchester Mumbler: Ghosts continue to riot following Brian Cox’s statement (Fiction)

Brian Cox.

Photo of Brian Cox by Paul Clarke.

Note: The Bolingbrook Babbler sometimes shares stories from its many sister publications around the world.  The following article is from the Manchester Mumbler, located in Manchester, UK.  This article was translated into American English.

Great Britain’s ghosts continued their mass protests and riots days after physicist Brian Cox said the Large Hadron Collider “proved” they don’t exist.

“We’ve never experienced anything like this,” said psychic Paulette Z. Simpson.  “The ghosts are so insulted and so frustrated that all they can do is trash the British netherworld.  Brian has turned the restless dead into the violent dead!”

Cox, on his show the Infinite Monkey Cage, stated that the measurements and discoveries made using the Large Hadron Collider left no room for the existence of ghosts or for an afterlife.

I would say that if there’s some kind of substance that’s driving our bodies, making arms move and legs move, then it must interact with the particles out of which our bodies are made. Since we’ve made high precision measurements of the ways that particles interact, my assertion is there can be no such thing as an energy source that’s driving our bodies.

The violent reaction from ghosts was so great that its effects could be felt in our world.

“I set my cup down on the table and it just fell over,” said Linda, who asked that we not use her last name.  “Some would say I was careless, but I’m not.  Fighting ghosts knocked it over.”

Paul offered more evidence: “My cat kept looking at the wall.  That’s not a big deal, but she kept turning her head!  I think she was watching ghost picketers!  I have all the proof I need!”

Peter Chauncey, the president of the British Association of Expert Mediums, denounced Cox’s statement as “reckless.”

“I have two words for Mr. Cox! Dark. Energy. Ghosts are dark energy.  Every time a being with a soul dies, it becomes dark energy and contributes to the expansion of the universe. It’s so obvious!  How could he miss this obvious conclusion?”

Chauncey urges all British residents to avoid all haunted places until the ghosts settle down.

“Only trained professionals should deal with ghosts at this point.  Fortunately, I can provide that training for a reasonable rate.”

Also in the Manchester Mumbler:

Page Three Sheep returns! Again!
Virgin Group offers to take over the government
Prime Minister May begs aliens for favorable trade agreement
Richard Dawkins to smite God on 2/3/17