Illinois Policy Institute to release nuclear war economic recovery plan (Fiction)

File photo of a Mushroom Cloud.

The Illinois Policy Institute, (according to sources with relatives connected to the organization), will release a nuclear war economic recovery plan.

Excerpts from the plan place a high priority on keeping businesses open during a nuclear strike and in the immediate aftermath:

“The fallout from closing the economy would be worse than nuclear fallout.  We must make the public feel this way too.”

The report recommends that Illinois’ conservative outlets downplay the dangers of nuclear war, such as radioactive fallout, blast damage, and nuclear winter.  Instead, they should emphasize the “benefits” of a nuclear war.  The first benefit is the “incineration of Springfield, IL, and the Chicago Political Machine.”  Other benefits cited include: “the likely suspension of federal taxes” and “the transfer of power from unelected bureaucrats to motorcycle militias.”

The report adds:  “If you don’t count fatalities in Aurora, Chicago, Rockford, The Quad Cities, Springfield, and East St. Louis, most real residents of Illinois should be just fine.” 

The state government, instead of promoting what the report calls “policies that promote hiding in basements,” should counter “liberal fear-mongering” and keep the economy open:

“Chicago liberals say a nuclear blast can blind people because it is as bright as the sun.  Well, we have a sun, and most of us aren’t blind.  So instead of looking away from a nuclear blast, we encourage the public to go to their favorite restaurant and bar to celebrate the death of cosmopolitan liberalism!”

The report also recommends that the top priorities following a nuclear war should be enacting an income tax holiday for anyone making over $1,000,000 a year, suspension of all union contracts, canceling all gun laws, switching to cryptocurrency, ending all environmental regulations, and encouraging employment by canceling unemployment benefits.

“We need people to cut our hair, clean our shelters, and protect us from BLM/Antifa hoodlums.  They’re not going to help us if they’re collecting unemployment checks, afraid of getting radiation poisoning, or think they’re going to freeze to death.  By enacting these simple policy recommendations, we can ensure prosperity for Illinois’ billionaires, which they may share with the rest of the survivors.”

One of the sources claims that IPI will lobby Bolingbrook to include their recommendations in the Bolingbrook emergency plan.

A receptionist for Mayor Roger Claar said he was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said:  “Every Christian and Islamic leader in Bolingbrook is going to pray for a safe Village Picnic.  I even got the Naperville Unitarian Church to light a candle for us.  Charlene, you said you were going to reach out to the area Jewish denominations.  How did that go?”

“I got Reform, Conservative, and Orthodox rabbis to bless the Village Picnic.  The Reconstructionist rabbi read a blessing, but then said it really meant we shouldn’t hold a mass gathering during a pandemic.”

“Whatever.  What about the humanist rabbis?”

The first synagogue I tried was a no go.  I couldn’t get past the office manager.  He laughed at me and said I gave him material for his next monolog.  The second rabbi said something about ethics, coronavirus, and her Sunday School before hanging up on me.”

“Three out of five isn’t bad in this case.  Now I can say I did all I could to have a higher power prevent the picnic from becoming a super spreader event.”

“Actually, The Temple of Set has a Pylon in Bolingbrook.  I could—” 

“No!”

Also in the Babbler:

Jeanne Ives unleashes hand-shaking homicidal canvassers against Rep. Sean Casten
Space Force considers building its own base in Bolingbrook
Trump cancels speech at Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/24/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Space Force attacks Chicagoland UFO Bases and aliens (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Content notice:  References to Fascism.

The United States Space Force launched a surprise attack against Chicagoland’s three UFO Bases in Bolingbrook, Palatine, and Peotone.  All three bases reported heavy damage, but no causalities.  The attack lasted for three hours before President Trump declared victory and ordered an end to the attack.

A Space Force press release said the attack was part of Operation Shattered Glass:

“This morning, Space Force launched a successful operation against Space Antifa and the far Left Mayors who refused to stand up to them.  The alien anarchists have suffered a massive defeat due to the ingenious tactics of President Donald Trump.  He is the leader of the best humans and the best civilization in the Universe.  Let those who oppose his greatness suffer greatly!  MAGA.”

The alien media encampment near Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base suffered the heaviest damage.  According to sources, five hypersonic missiles hit the base, and Space Force Interceptors attacked UFOs belonging to interstellar media organizations.

“I told them I was a pilot with the Galactic News Thoughtwork,” said Algotoc.  “Their response was to lock their weapons on me and fire.  Let me tell you, they can sure pack a punch against a civilian ship.  I was lucky that I didn’t crash into downtown Barrington. Before I reached the landing bay, the (Space Force pilot) apologized for failing to send us ‘fake news’ beings to hell.”

Interceptors from Rob Sherman UFO Base eventually chased away the Space Force craft. The Palatine Aliens Affairs Unit convinced residents that the explosions were illegal fireworks.

Space Force bombers also attacked one of Peotone’s landing bays, rendering it inoperable:

“They hit just as the force fields were recycling,” said Dockworker Peter Z. Stevens.  “We had enough power to save the crew, but not enough to protect the cargo containers.  Those (expletive deleted) bombers just set back 10G deployment in Chicago by 20 years!”

Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere was at Peotone during the attack but was unharmed.  She released a statement to the interstellar media:

“You can drop incendiary bombs near me, and you can make incendiary remarks about me on social media all you want.  I will always be anti-fascist, and I will always believe that black lives matter!” 

Space Force troops used their base in Bolingbrook to launch an attack against Clow UFO Base, which is currently sealed off due to the COVID-19 pandemic.  Members of the so-called “Doomsday Crew,” who remain sealed inside Clow, reported they had received messages from Space Force troops demanding to be let in to stop the “Antifa riots” inside:

“There were no rioters inside,” said a crew member who asked to remain anonymous.  “We don’t get to say that every day at Clow UFO Base.  Anyway, we’ve had some aliens kneel for about nine minutes to protest the death of George Floyd.”

The crew member later added, “Before I was sealed inside Clow, being anti-fascist was considered a moral position, and stopping the spread of deadly infectious diseases was a no-brainer.  Now I look outside and wonder if the world is burning just like a Reichstag fire?”

The crew confirmed that although parts of Clow were “compromised,” the attackers didn’t reach the crew.  Clow’s automated defenses and Men in Blue were able to stop the Space Force’s advance.  Members who spoke to this reporter say the plan is to disinfect those areas of Clow and reseal them.

Sources within the Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs agree that Trump called off the attack after talking to Claar.  Claar explained that the Interstellar Commonwealth, the New World Order, and the Illuminati could consider the attacks to be an act of war.  Claar then explained that the Commonwealth’s military could obliterate everyone one of his properties in seconds, and both secret societies could wipe out all of his wealth as well.  Trump still hesitated to call off the attack until Claar offered to host the 2020 Republican National Convention at Bolingbrook High School.

Claar allegedly asked:  “What do you have to lose?”

Bolingbrook officials privately are not sure how Bolingbrook High School will be able to host the Republican National Convention.  One official did say: “We’ll try our best, and when things go wrong, Roger will blame (Bolingbrook Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz).”

When reached for comment, Claar replied:  “I have a message for the roaming gangs of looters.  You can take my restaurants.  You can take my stores, but you will never take my Golf Club!”

Also in the Babbler:

Ghosts join protesters in Chicago
Mayor Claar orders all weredeer removed from Bolingbrook
Naperville police fail to arrest Mothman rioter
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/4/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Bolingbrook Antifa unleashes weapon of ‘mass-milkshaking’ (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Antifa, a militant anti-fascist organization, unleashed its new weapon of “mass-milkshaking” while visiting Proud Boys, a neo-fascist organization labeled a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center.

An alleged photo of Bolingbrook Antifa’s tank

According to eyewitnesses, 20 members of the Proud Boys were marching in the direction of Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz’s home when a tank crashed through a wooden fence.  The Proud Boys drew their guns and started shooting at the tank.  The tank, with Bolingbrook Antifa markings, turned and stopped mere feet from the Proud Boys.  A woman, wearing a black mask and bulletproof vest, popped out from the top of the tank, and started spraying milkshake mix at the Proud Boys with a high powered nozzle. 

Joel, one of the Proud Boys, cried as he recounted what happened:  “We were going to pay Bob a very special house call.  We looked great and manly, but those anti-western civilization commies attacked us.  Then we looked ridiculous and weak.”  He cried again.  “Milkshakes should be banned throughout western civilization!”

Several police cars arrived, and the tank left the subdivision.  Some officers tried to pursue the tank, but Mayor Roger Claar ordered them to back off.

“He said the tank could damage the main roads,” said one officer.  “He also said that the driver could decide to ram the new Andy’s Custard.  Roger said something about spending too much political capital only to see it crushed.  I figured it was best not to ask.”

The other officers came to the aid of the Proud Boys.  The commander of the Proud Boys “unit” ordered the officers to tell the media that the milkshake used against them contained quick-dry cement, ricin, super glue, and slow-acting acid.  When an officer pointed out that they had no evidence such things were in the shake mix, the commander replied: “Say it anyway.  Look at all the great publicity the Portland police department got.”

After determining that none of the Proud Boys were Bolingbrook residents, the police dropped them off at a hotel in Naperville. They told them to never visit Bolingbrook again, or they would be charged with illegal possession of firearms. The Proud Boys offered the officers a high-five, but they refused.

Bolingbrook Antifa released a statement admitting responsibility for the attack: “Today we have taken milkshaking to the next level.  Fascists tried to intimidate Bob and might have gone after some of the other trustees if we hadn’t stopped them.  Clueless Claar needs to see the present and growing threat that fascism presents to Bolingbrook, our country, and the world!  We don’t have time for Pollyanna trustees.  We don’t need smug centrists condemning both sides.  We need leaders who will resist the darkness.  If we lead the fight against fascism, Roger and his robots will eventually follow us!”

Bolingbrook police have arrested one Antifa suspect.  According to an officer, they found the suspect almost by accident:  “I walked into the McDonalds, and the first thing this employee said was ‘I don’t know anything about the missing truckload of milkshake mix.’  He’ll talk once Roger’s finished with him.”

A call to Claar’s cell phone was answered by Carpanzano.  He replied: “Your stories are so negative and biased.  Why don’t you let me write a story about how Jason can’t tell me who I can and can’t block?  See?  I can be funny and positive too!  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to watch history being made in Long Grove, because I care.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “That’s a big wheel.”

A man who sounded like Long Grove Village President Bill Jacob said: “It is the Wheel of Food.  Every time we create a new village festival, our last step is to have an outsider spin the wheel of food.  The Wheel will select the food theme for the festival.  All of the food booths must feature this item.  The rest is already planned.”

“I guess that would explain why there’s hardly any chocolate at your Chocolate Fest.”

“Silence!  The moment has arrived.  Roger, you must spin the Wheel of Food!”

“Boy, it’s heavy.  There we go!  Yes!  Come on.  Come on.  Land on rum and coke!  Come on.  Uh oh.  It landed on star fruit.  You can’t have an Illinois festival based on star fruit.  Maybe I should spin—”

“Do not question the Wheel of Food!”

Also in the Babbler:

Killer grass destroys lawnmower
Aliens arrested for setting off fireworks on July 7
Claar to hold a hearing on ‘Jason Cann and other foes on the Internet’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/12/19

Proud Boys defeated by Antifa space aliens (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Alien Antifa fighters dealt a humiliating defeat to members of the Proud Boys who tried to violently end the occupation of Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

“Our armor, our sticks, and our white skin weren’t enough,” cried one Proud Boy, who refused to be identified.  “They must have had help from the Space Jews.  They’re not cool like Netanyahu.”

The twelve members gathered outside Clow Airport, wielding wooden sticks. They were wearing helmets, black and yellow polo shirts, and homemade armor. Their leader, Clint, read a statement to this reporter saying that “space aliens with ties to space Muslims and anti-Western ideologies” had captured Clow UFO Base.  The Cook County Democrats, he claimed, were “preventing Bolingbrook’s Mayor Clark (sic) from doing what needs to be done.”  He also called Bolingbrook a “Space Alien Sanctuary City” and said his group would free the residents from “Illegal Space Aliens.”  Clint added that the Proud Boys, while having ties to white nationalists groups, were not white nationalists, but were pro-Western Civilization.

“We can’t help that the West is white,” said Clint.

The men then marched in formation towards the airport chanting “Space Jews will not replace us!” and “Islam is a virus from outer space!”  When they reached the flag poles, the members started defecating in their clothes.  Clint ordered them to start reciting brands of breakfast cereal.  

Seconds later, a Martian Colonial battleship hovering over the airport de-cloaked.  The Proud Boys angrily waved their wooden sticks at it.  The word “Antifa” appeared on the craft before the crew fired a cognitive dissonance ray at the protesters.  The men fell to the ground screaming.

“These thoughts invaded my head,” said an unnamed Proud Boy.  “Like a black man pioneered blood banking and the Chinese invented gunpowder.  Then I started thinking that maybe Western Civilization was created by people of diverse backgrounds.”  He screamed.  “I’m sorry, those thoughts still cause me pain.”

After the attack, Clint ordered the Proud Boys to run away.  They were then arrested by the Bolingbrook Police.

“You can’t arrest us!”  shouted Clint.  “We’re trying to make America great again.  You’re supposed to protect us from Antifa.”

After the protesters showered, and a cleaning service washed their clothes, Mayor Roger Claar met with them.  According to sources, Claar said he would release them since he didn’t to “deal with the headache of Internet racists.”  He added that all the protesters were now banned from Bolingbrook, and would be arrested if they ever came back.

“I don’t care about the color of your skin.  I only care if you’re a resident or a foe.”

The Proud Boys refused to be interviewed after being released from jail.  One was overheard saying, “We should have gone to Washington.  They needed more people.”  An email to their website was not returned.

A receptionist for Claar said he was out of the office, and that there was already a line of people waiting for him.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts said, “Look at this Charlene.  I’m leading the Bolingbrook Politics poll to be the next Mayor of Bolingbrook.”

“You’re welcome,” said Charlene.

“Wait a minute.  You rigged the poll?”

“No.  I told my international friends about the poll and they jumped in to vote.  The proper term is pharyngulate.  They deserved it for running an unscientific online poll.”

“That wasn’t nice Charlene.  You’re an evil atheist.”

“I self-identify as amoral.  Anyway, it’s all part of my plan to make you the next mayor of Bolingbrook.  Just imagine all the tax dollars you could forward to the Bolingbrook STEM Association as mayor.”

“I don’t need your help, Charlene.  God is on my side, I was elected to DuPage Township, and I was mentored by Leroy Brown.”

“Oh please.  First, I wouldn’t mention the Dupage Township, if I were you.  Second, Leroy Brown was a nice guy.  I loved Leroy.  Roger loved Leroy.  Jackie loved Leroy.  How many terms did he serve as mayor?    Third, you won’t win the pity vote.  Michael Lawler wins that in a landslide.”

“Pity vote?”

“Yeah.  ‘We appointed Sheldon because he’s a nice guy.  Then Bolingbrook United beat him by running three candidates against him.  Then Bob said mean things about Sheldon when we appointed him again.  You should elect him as mayor because he deserves a participation trophy.’”

“Participation trophy?  That’s not what being the mayor is about.  You really are mean.”

“Yes, meanness is part of the job of the Covert Social Media Operative.  I’m just being honest with you, but I also want you to win, and I have a better plan to give you the victory you deserve.”

“I’m afraid to ask.”

“All you have to do is be your nice, pious self.  I will be working with my friend Igor to ensure your victory next year and in the 2021 election.  Once I explain to Igor that Montgomery, Alabama isn’t in Will County, he’ll create proper—”

“La!  La!  La!  I can’t hear you.  Jesus loves me.  STEM is good.  Bolingbrook is the best place to live in America!”

Also in the Babbler:

Rep. Roskam:  My pants aren’t on fire, lying Sun-Times!
Hidden Lakes Monster to get a tunnel to Whalon Lake
Wheaton refuses to lift the ban on black magic
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/15/18

Bolingbrook Antifa couple are like any other Bolingbrook residents (Fiction)

Note:  Names were changed to protect the subjects from harassment.

Bob and Jane have lived in Bolingbrook for years.  They bought their utensils from Meijer and their furniture from Ikea.  They love Bolingbrook’s many restaurants and have voted for Mayor Roger Claar in the past.

They also are members of Bolingbrook’s Antifa cell.  Antifa is a controversial collective of anti-fascism activists, some of whom advocate punching Nazis. Since the election of President Trump, Antifa membership has skyrocketed.  Bob and Jane, who love taking walks along Whalon Lake, joined the day after the election.

“My grandfather shot Nazis in World War II,” said Bob.  “Now people would be upset if I told them that I wanted to punch Nazis.  Most of the time, punching doesn’t kill people.  It’s like this country is overcome with Fascistic Reverence.”

“The Klan tried to burn a cross on my grandfather’s lawn,” said Jane.  “He took a garden hose and put out the fire.  Because he was white, they didn’t kill him.  Still, my grandfather knew the importance of using his privilege to protect those less fortunate than him.  I want to live up to his example.”

Bob and Jane love to eat at BD’s Mongolian Grill.  They love to make dishes with beef.  Jane feels that BD’s is the perfect metaphor for Bolingbrook.

“They have meats and spices from around the world, and you can combine them to create unique tasty dishes. Just like Bolingbrook has people from different backgrounds and ethnicities who come together to create a unique community.  Now imagine if the Nazis came here and tossed out the spices and foods that they thought weren’t ‘pure’ enough.  It would be boring.  Diversity is what makes BD’s and Bolingbrook great.”

They are both concerned about the direction the country is headed in since Trump’s election.

“Hillary Clinton won the popular vote,” said Jane.  “Yet the media is obsessed with interviewing Trump supporters and writing puff pieces about Nazis.  What kind of world do we live in where Antifa is considered a threat and Nazis are considered good people?”

Bob, who owns a lawnmower, says most of his Antifa work consists of monitoring social media sites to locate Nazis either operating in or threatening Bolingbrook.  “It’s boring but important work.  There are people out there who want to attack Bolingbrook, and we will respond rapidly if they do!”

As for why they’re involved in Antifa, Jane took this reporter out for a walk with her.  She waved at her neighbor, an immigrant from Pakistan, and her black neighbor.  “When the Nazis talk about ethnic cleansing, they’re talking about my neighbors and friends. I’m fighting for the future of our diverse community.”

Also in the Babbler:

No casualties in Bolingbrook following Black Friday
Alien arrested for picketing outside of Village Hall
Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz escapes interstellar asteroid
Claar denies plans to visit Russia
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/1/17

Sources: Bolingbrook vows crackdown against local Antifa cell (Fiction)

After federal agencies declared Antifa to be a terrorist organization, sources say the Bolingbrook police department will confront the Bolingbrook cell of the anti-fascist group.

Alleged photo of Bolingbrook Antifa’s tank

“Violence in the name of anti-fascism and anti-racism is just as wrong as violence in the name of fascism and racism,” said one source within the police department.  “Bolingbrook is a peaceful community, and we want to keep it that way.”

Though various versions of Antifa, which is short for anti-fascist, have been around since the 1930s, Antifa activities in the US increased following the election of President Donald Trump.  Notable actions include shutting down Milo Yiannopoulos’s speech in Berkeley, CA; confrontations with Neo-nazis during the Unite the Right protest in Charlottesville, VA; and an attack against suspected Alt-right members during an anti-fascist counter protest in Berkeley.

According to various sources, Bolingbrook police officers will be interviewing anyone who could be interested in joining Antifa:

“Democrats, Republicans in Name Only, residents with an unusual interest in the rise of Nazism, people whose relatives were targeted by the Nazis or fascists, and anyone who has ever spoken out or posted against Fascism or the so-called ‘alt-right.’  We will do whatever it takes to ensure peace in Bolingbrook.”

Emma, who claims to be a member of Bolingbrook Antifa, denounced the alleged crackdown.

“Most of our time is spent searching the Internet for posts by Bolingbrook fascists.  Our work so far has been non-violent.”

Emma, however, said that they would defend Bolingbrook if racists and fascists marched on Bolingbrook.

“With all of the negative coverage Antifa has received, you’d almost forget that a woman was killed by a white supremacist a few weeks ago, or that five white supremacists beat a man, or that a white supremacist shot at a counter-protester and the police did nothing.  These are violent people.  I’m sure there are decent officers on the Bolingbrook police force, but we can’t rely on them to protect us if fascists march on Bolingbrook.  We love our diverse community enough to protect it.  If that means buying a used tank and spending money on guns, shields, mace, and batons, we’ll do it.  Right now we can’t reason with fascists.  We have to defend ourselves now.  If we give them a platform in Bolingbrook, they will use it to stage attacks against all marginalized communities.  No ethnic cleansing in Bolingbrook!  We’re going to live up to our name, and we invite all anti-fascist residents to support us!”

Charline Spencer, an unofficial spokesperson for the village of Bolingbrook, neither confirmed or denied the existence of a police crackdown against Bolingbrook Antifa:

“If Antifa uses violence, or if the Alt-right attempts any leaderless resistance actions in Bolingbrook, they will be arrested.  The rule of law still applies in Bolingbrook.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Mayor Roger Claar said, “OK.  No more memes, no more attempts at irony.  No more silly hand signals.  Tell me exactly what the Pepe the Frog Fan Club of Bolingbrook wants.”

Pepe fan club member: “We want to make Bolingbrook white for the first time.”

A man who sounds like Claar: “Get the (expletive deleted) out of my office now.”

Also in the Babbler:

Happy Labor Day, Bolingbrook!
Clow UFO Base to impose Illuminati only policy
Anarchist zombies spotted in Chicago
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/9/17