Proud Boys defeated by Antifa space aliens (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Alien Antifa fighters dealt a humiliating defeat to members of the Proud Boys who tried to violently end the occupation of Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

“Our armor, our sticks, and our white skin weren’t enough,” cried one Proud Boy, who refused to be identified.  “They must have had help from the Space Jews.  They’re not cool like Netanyahu.”

The twelve members gathered outside Clow Airport, wielding wooden sticks. They were wearing helmets, black and yellow polo shirts, and homemade armor. Their leader, Clint, read a statement to this reporter saying that “space aliens with ties to space Muslims and anti-Western ideologies” had captured Clow UFO Base.  The Cook County Democrats, he claimed, were “preventing Bolingbrook’s Mayor Clark (sic) from doing what needs to be done.”  He also called Bolingbrook a “Space Alien Sanctuary City” and said his group would free the residents from “Illegal Space Aliens.”  Clint added that the Proud Boys, while having ties to white nationalists groups, were not white nationalists, but were pro-Western Civilization.

“We can’t help that the West is white,” said Clint.

The men then marched in formation towards the airport chanting “Space Jews will not replace us!” and “Islam is a virus from outer space!”  When they reached the flag poles, the members started defecating in their clothes.  Clint ordered them to start reciting brands of breakfast cereal.  

Seconds later, a Martian Colonial battleship hovering over the airport de-cloaked.  The Proud Boys angrily waved their wooden sticks at it.  The word “Antifa” appeared on the craft before the crew fired a cognitive dissonance ray at the protesters.  The men fell to the ground screaming.

“These thoughts invaded my head,” said an unnamed Proud Boy.  “Like a black man pioneered blood banking and the Chinese invented gunpowder.  Then I started thinking that maybe Western Civilization was created by people of diverse backgrounds.”  He screamed.  “I’m sorry, those thoughts still cause me pain.”

After the attack, Clint ordered the Proud Boys to run away.  They were then arrested by the Bolingbrook Police.

“You can’t arrest us!”  shouted Clint.  “We’re trying to make America great again.  You’re supposed to protect us from Antifa.”

After the protesters showered, and a cleaning service washed their clothes, Mayor Roger Claar met with them.  According to sources, Claar said he would release them since he didn’t to “deal with the headache of Internet racists.”  He added that all the protesters were now banned from Bolingbrook, and would be arrested if they ever came back.

“I don’t care about the color of your skin.  I only care if you’re a resident or a foe.”

The Proud Boys refused to be interviewed after being released from jail.  One was overheard saying, “We should have gone to Washington.  They needed more people.”  An email to their website was not returned.

A receptionist for Claar said he was out of the office, and that there was already a line of people waiting for him.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts said, “Look at this Charlene.  I’m leading the Bolingbrook Politics poll to be the next Mayor of Bolingbrook.”

“You’re welcome,” said Charlene.

“Wait a minute.  You rigged the poll?”

“No.  I told my international friends about the poll and they jumped in to vote.  The proper term is pharyngulate.  They deserved it for running an unscientific online poll.”

“That wasn’t nice Charlene.  You’re an evil atheist.”

“I self-identify as amoral.  Anyway, it’s all part of my plan to make you the next mayor of Bolingbrook.  Just imagine all the tax dollars you could forward to the Bolingbrook STEM Association as mayor.”

“I don’t need your help, Charlene.  God is on my side, I was elected to DuPage Township, and I was mentored by Leroy Brown.”

“Oh please.  First, I wouldn’t mention the Dupage Township, if I were you.  Second, Leroy Brown was a nice guy.  I loved Leroy.  Roger loved Leroy.  Jackie loved Leroy.  How many terms did he serve as mayor?    Third, you won’t win the pity vote.  Michael Lawler wins that in a landslide.”

“Pity vote?”

“Yeah.  ‘We appointed Sheldon because he’s a nice guy.  Then Bolingbrook United beat him by running three candidates against him.  Then Bob said mean things about Sheldon when we appointed him again.  You should elect him as mayor because he deserves a participation trophy.’”

“Participation trophy?  That’s not what being the mayor is about.  You really are mean.”

“Yes, meanness is part of the job of the Covert Social Media Operative.  I’m just being honest with you, but I also want you to win, and I have a better plan to give you the victory you deserve.”

“I’m afraid to ask.”

“All you have to do is be your nice, pious self.  I will be working with my friend Igor to ensure your victory next year and in the 2021 election.  Once I explain to Igor that Montgomery, Alabama isn’t in Will County, he’ll create proper—”

“La!  La!  La!  I can’t hear you.  Jesus loves me.  STEM is good.  Bolingbrook is the best place to live in America!”

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Bolingbrook Antifa couple are like any other Bolingbrook residents (Fiction)

Note:  Names were changed to protect the subjects from harassment.

Bob and Jane have lived in Bolingbrook for years.  They bought their utensils from Meijer and their furniture from Ikea.  They love Bolingbrook’s many restaurants and have voted for Mayor Roger Claar in the past.

They also are members of Bolingbrook’s Antifa cell.  Antifa is a controversial collective of anti-fascism activists, some of whom advocate punching Nazis. Since the election of President Trump, Antifa membership has skyrocketed.  Bob and Jane, who love taking walks along Whalon Lake, joined the day after the election.

“My grandfather shot Nazis in World War II,” said Bob.  “Now people would be upset if I told them that I wanted to punch Nazis.  Most of the time, punching doesn’t kill people.  It’s like this country is overcome with Fascistic Reverence.”

“The Klan tried to burn a cross on my grandfather’s lawn,” said Jane.  “He took a garden hose and put out the fire.  Because he was white, they didn’t kill him.  Still, my grandfather knew the importance of using his privilege to protect those less fortunate than him.  I want to live up to his example.”

Bob and Jane love to eat at BD’s Mongolian Grill.  They love to make dishes with beef.  Jane feels that BD’s is the perfect metaphor for Bolingbrook.

“They have meats and spices from around the world, and you can combine them to create unique tasty dishes. Just like Bolingbrook has people from different backgrounds and ethnicities who come together to create a unique community.  Now imagine if the Nazis came here and tossed out the spices and foods that they thought weren’t ‘pure’ enough.  It would be boring.  Diversity is what makes BD’s and Bolingbrook great.”

They are both concerned about the direction the country is headed in since Trump’s election.

“Hillary Clinton won the popular vote,” said Jane.  “Yet the media is obsessed with interviewing Trump supporters and writing puff pieces about Nazis.  What kind of world do we live in where Antifa is considered a threat and Nazis are considered good people?”

Bob, who owns a lawnmower, says most of his Antifa work consists of monitoring social media sites to locate Nazis either operating in or threatening Bolingbrook.  “It’s boring but important work.  There are people out there who want to attack Bolingbrook, and we will respond rapidly if they do!”

As for why they’re involved in Antifa, Jane took this reporter out for a walk with her.  She waved at her neighbor, an immigrant from Pakistan, and her black neighbor.  “When the Nazis talk about ethnic cleansing, they’re talking about my neighbors and friends. I’m fighting for the future of our diverse community.”

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Alien arrested for picketing outside of Village Hall
Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz escapes interstellar asteroid
Claar denies plans to visit Russia
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/1/17

Sources: Bolingbrook vows crackdown against local Antifa cell (Fiction)

After federal agencies declared Antifa to be a terrorist organization, sources say the Bolingbrook police department will confront the Bolingbrook cell of the anti-fascist group.

Alleged photo of Bolingbrook Antifa’s tank

“Violence in the name of anti-fascism and anti-racism is just as wrong as violence in the name of fascism and racism,” said one source within the police department.  “Bolingbrook is a peaceful community, and we want to keep it that way.”

Though various versions of Antifa, which is short for anti-fascist, have been around since the 1930s, Antifa activities in the US increased following the election of President Donald Trump.  Notable actions include shutting down Milo Yiannopoulos’s speech in Berkeley, CA; confrontations with Neo-nazis during the Unite the Right protest in Charlottesville, VA; and an attack against suspected Alt-right members during an anti-fascist counter protest in Berkeley.

According to various sources, Bolingbrook police officers will be interviewing anyone who could be interested in joining Antifa:

“Democrats, Republicans in Name Only, residents with an unusual interest in the rise of Nazism, people whose relatives were targeted by the Nazis or fascists, and anyone who has ever spoken out or posted against Fascism or the so-called ‘alt-right.’  We will do whatever it takes to ensure peace in Bolingbrook.”

Emma, who claims to be a member of Bolingbrook Antifa, denounced the alleged crackdown.

“Most of our time is spent searching the Internet for posts by Bolingbrook fascists.  Our work so far has been non-violent.”

Emma, however, said that they would defend Bolingbrook if racists and fascists marched on Bolingbrook.

“With all of the negative coverage Antifa has received, you’d almost forget that a woman was killed by a white supremacist a few weeks ago, or that five white supremacists beat a man, or that a white supremacist shot at a counter-protester and the police did nothing.  These are violent people.  I’m sure there are decent officers on the Bolingbrook police force, but we can’t rely on them to protect us if fascists march on Bolingbrook.  We love our diverse community enough to protect it.  If that means buying a used tank and spending money on guns, shields, mace, and batons, we’ll do it.  Right now we can’t reason with fascists.  We have to defend ourselves now.  If we give them a platform in Bolingbrook, they will use it to stage attacks against all marginalized communities.  No ethnic cleansing in Bolingbrook!  We’re going to live up to our name, and we invite all anti-fascist residents to support us!”

Charline Spencer, an unofficial spokesperson for the village of Bolingbrook, neither confirmed or denied the existence of a police crackdown against Bolingbrook Antifa:

“If Antifa uses violence, or if the Alt-right attempts any leaderless resistance actions in Bolingbrook, they will be arrested.  The rule of law still applies in Bolingbrook.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Mayor Roger Claar said, “OK.  No more memes, no more attempts at irony.  No more silly hand signals.  Tell me exactly what the Pepe the Frog Fan Club of Bolingbrook wants.”

Pepe fan club member: “We want to make Bolingbrook white for the first time.”

A man who sounds like Claar: “Get the (expletive deleted) out of my office now.”

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