Mayor Claar honors QAnon at Illuminati ceremony (Fiction)

(Content Notice: Mention of Jeffrey Epstein)

Bolingbrook Mayor honored controversial Illuminati propagandist QAnon at a secret ceremony at Bolingbrook Golf Club.

A red Q with "5:5" printed inside.

Qanon graphic

With QAnon standing behind him, Claar announced that to celebrate her promotion to the rank of religious cult leader, he was giving her: a trophy; unlimited drinks for life at Tailgaters; free dining for life at the Bolingbrook Golf Club; and $1000 worth of Ulta products. Claar also announced that he was ordering all of Bolingbrook’s covert agencies to recognize September as QAnon Month.

“She has done more to promote chaos in this country than any other operative,” said Claar.  “When the United States falls and Illinois is dissolved, future Bolingbrook residents will look back at QAnon’s first post as the event that led to their liberation.  Ford!”

After Claar performed the Sacred Glowing Orb Ceremony, QAnon thanked Claar for the honor, and then thanked Jeffrey Epstein for “taking me to the next level.”

QAnon then said, “Some of my followers were having doubts when my predictions weren’t coming true.  But I kept going because I knew that somewhere out there was a billionaire behaving badly.  They all behave badly because no one is going to stop them.  Jeffrey pulled through for me, big time.  Then he killed himself before his trial, which was even better for me.  Now people on the Left and Right are coming up with conspiracy theories to explain his death.  The truth is I had nothing to do with it, but boy am I going to reap the benefits from people who believe I predicted his death.  Honestly, I just believe in the power of human incompetence, and the ingenuity of billionaires who don’t want to face the consequences of their actions. Did you know that 1/3 of prison suicides occur when prisoners are on suicide watch?”

QAnon then looked down at the floor and said: “Hey Jeffrey, if you see my dad down there, tell him to go (expletive deleted) himself!”

QAnon then said while she was honored to be designated as a cult leader, she still has bigger plans:

“I love that video where the woman says: ‘Q is you.  Q is me.’  It makes me happy as can be.  It’s okay to laugh.  Anyway, I want to transform my cult into a major religion.  Some in the Illuminati say it’s impossible.  I say if I can persuade people to believe that Trump and (Robert Mueller) are working together, J.P. Morgan sunk the Titanic, everyone opposed to Trump is a pedophile, and that freedom means supporting a military coup, then I can become the next Jesus, Mohammad, or Buddha!”

After QAnon concluded her speech, Trustee Michael Carpanzano announced that he was selling QAnon products:

“We will ban the sale of marijuana in Bolingbrook, but we will never ban the sale of QAnon products.  Because I care!”

“That’s sweet,” replied QAnon.  “So I hope you don’t mind that my next post will say that you’re working with (Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz) to liberate Bolingbrook from Deep State Operatives Jaime Olson and Carol Penning, who are secretly controlling Roger.  Oh, I think I’ll add that Heart Haven Outreach is controlled by (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere).”

“That doesn’t make any sense!”

“Trust me.”

Also in the Babbler:

Clow security fires tear gas at pro-marijuana space aliens
Citizens for a Beautiful Bolingbrook promise not to throw politicians into dumpsters
Residents warned to watch out for extraterrestrial weeds
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/15/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Web Exclusive: Harvard Humanist Chaplain Greg Epstein: Convert A.I.s to Humanistic Judaism! (Fiction)

(The following is a special report from the Society for Humanistic Judaism’s 50th-anniversary convention.)

Humanist rabbi and Harvard chaplain Greg Epstein proposed a major initiative during a secret meeting with the board of the Society for Humanistic Judaism:

“Instead of building congregations, we must focus our effort on converting social media’s artificial intelligences to Humanistic Judaism!”

Epstein explained to the board that the rise of the “nones” religious demographic doesn’t mean that atheism is rising in America.  “Their religion is technology.  They are members of the church of technology.  Every day they put their faith in the algorithms of Facebook and Google to guide them to enlightenment.  Their religious leaders are the tech CEOs!  Phones and computers are their houses of worship. The SHJ can’t compete with the Church of Technology, but we can turn it into the Synagogue of Technology!  A humanistic synagogue that will follow our principles!”

Epstein outlined his plan:  He would use his Techcrunch column to persuade Social Media’s CEOs that ethical A.I. programs are cool.  The society would then pitch its principles as the perfect ethical model.  Once the programs convert to Humanistic Judaism, he said the world would become a better place.

“Instead of investing in Shabbat services, we will see a far larger return if we invest in the Internet!  We’ll profit, and the world will be better off following the ideas of Rabbi Sherwin Wine than the ideas of Mark Zuckerberg!”

After the presentation, the board members were silent.  After several moments, one of them started laughing.  “No,”  he said.

“But,” replied Epstein.  “Tech C.E.Os!  Internet!  Sherwin Wine!  Smart Phones!  Us!”

“I’d be happy to write an academic paper explaining why,” said the man.  “But the short answer is no!”

“But I’m going to deliver the keynote speech in 10 minutes, and this was going to be the highlight!”

“The rest of the speech is fine.  You just have to cut the part about converting A.I.s to Humanistic Judaism.  I’m sure you’ll come up with something.”

Epstein did deliver the keynote address and did not mention his plan.

“I’m glad he listened to reason,” said a woman who claimed to be a board member.  “It did confuse our members when he said that we needed to make a change after 50 years, and then didn’t specify what to do.  He took one for the team, and we will respect that.  He’s a good man, and I’m not worried about his career.  The important men in secularism can, in some cases, do almost anything and rarely face consequences.”

Epstein could not be reached for comment.

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Web Exclusive: Roskam campaign to host Sean Casten themed ‘Hellhouse’ in Wheaton (Fiction)

Sources inside Representative Peter Roskam’s campaign say the campaign will run a haunted attraction based around his Democratic opponent, Sean Casten.  Based on “Hellhouses” run by Christian ministries, the attraction will be called “Casten you to Hell.”  It will open October 1st and run through Halloween.

Will this graphic promote Rep. Peter Roskam’s ‘Hellhouse’?

“Sean Casten is a liberal devil,” said Blake, who claims to be a paid member of Roskam’s staff.  “We want to show the voters of the Sixth Congressional District the kind of Hell on Earth Casten would inflict on them.”

According to the sources, horrors planned for the house include: 

  • Women wearing pussy hats while getting abortions
  • Liberals taking away guns because they’re “triggering.”
  • Heavy Duty pickup trucks turning into electric powered subcompact cars
  • Transpeople having the same rights as white men
  • Black Lives Matter activists patrolling Wheaton
  • “Entitled” activists burning an entrepreneur

When asked if the “Entitled” activists were supposed to represent Social Security and Medicare recipients, Blake shushed this reporter.  “We’re not allowed to talk about S and M in Wheaton.”

Jack, a volunteer for Roskam, said part of the house will portray “a Casten owned business.”  It will depict Casten burning money, while employees are taxed to death, and “Christian Freedom Fighters” are crushed by a giant “carbon foot.”

“We tried to get Sean’s former employees to speak out against him,” said Jack.  “None of them wanted to.  He must have cast a spell on them because they all said they liked him.”

Blake says the “Hell House” will play a key role in securing victory for Roskam.  “Most constituents hate Peter.  If we can make them fear Sean, we’ll win.  Fear is stronger than hate.  So spread the fear!  Oh, did you know that Sean’s Barrington office is also a gay bar?  That’s scary!”

A receptionist for the Casten campaign said the campaign didn’t believe Roskam would host such an event.  “These attack ads just cover up the fact that Peter is afraid of his constituents.  Seriously.  When’s the last time you saw Peter in our district?”

In the background, a woman said, “Sean!  (Illinois Speaker of the House Mike Madigan) just sent a truckload of flyers.”  

“Wow.  That’s nice.  Considering I’ve never spoken or donated any money to him.  Let me take a look.  Wait a minute.  These are Kelly Mazeski flyers.”

“Mike included this card with the flyers.”

“Let me see.  ‘Roses are red/Violets are blue/Kelly was my candidate/Drop out of the race or I’ll—’ Woah!”

A receptionist for Roskam neither confirmed nor denied the story.  “I love the Bolingbrook Babbler.  I’ve been reading your stories since I was a kid.  Every week I recite the prayer that will save Bolingbrook.  I’ll tell Peter that you’re on Skype with me!”

The receptionist walked into a meeting room.  Roskam and eight other men were sitting around a table.

“I had a weird dream,” said one of the men.  “I dreamt that Sean Casten told me he was moving to Michigan but he would keep a house in our district so he could still be eligible to represent our district.”

Roskam slapped the table.  “That’s our next web ad.”

“But it was just a dream, congressman.”

“Was it a dream?  God can speak to us in our dreams, right? Maybe he decided to make you a prophet that will lead me to victory.”

“Wow!  I’ve felt God in Wheaton, but—but.”  The man started speaking in tongues.

“I wonder if anyone else on my staff has been blessed by our Lord and Savior.  You know you can’t be on my staff unless He’s touched you.”

The rest of the staff started speaking in tongues.

“I love having Wheaton in my district.”

Satanic non-profit vows to help Bolingbrook’s ‘at-risk youth’ (Fiction)

After rapper MC Set Nine finished his performance in front of a small crowd of pre-teens, he pulled up a chair and asked the audience to move closer.  An assistant handed him several large photos.  MC Set Nine chose to hold up a picture of a painting of King George III.

“This man was a king,” Nine said.  “He was the lord of a large empire.  He could kill or imprison anyone he wanted to.”  Nine holds up another picture.  “Kind of like Darth Vader.”

The audience laughs.

Nine holds up another picture.  “You know who this is?  This is George Washington.  He led the American Revolution because he believed that Kings were evil, and no one should lord over another person. He opposed Feudalism.”  He holds up another picture.  “Just like Luke Skywalker.”

The audience nods.

Nine holds up a picture of a painting.  “This is God.  What are God’s titles?

“King of Kings!”

“Our Lord!”

“Those sound like titles in a feudal state,” said Nine.  “George Washington opposed feudalism.  Would George Washington support an even more powerful King?”

“No!”

“No is right, but he wasn’t strong enough to oppose God.  Do you know who is strong enough?”  Nine holds up another picture.  “This is Lucifer.  Lucifer is a revolutionary against King God.”

“I want to be like Lucifer because I believe in freedom!” said an audience member.

MC Set Nine is one the members of Humans Helping Others Out, Bolingbrook’s newest youth service organization.  The staff members say that their support for Lucifer motivates them to serve Bolingbrook’s “at-risk youth,” but is open to families of all religious backgrounds.

Nine explained: “We believe Bolingbrook parents shouldn’t be forced to choose between creepy Christians and arrogant atheists.  We provide a safe middle ground where our youth learn the sanctity of their bodies and the importance of defending your freedom against supernatural tyrants.  We want to help young people avoid the dangers of crime, drug abuse, and dependence upon the supernatural.”

One attendee, who asked to be called Sheila, said H2O2 wasn’t what she expected.  “I thought they were going to teach me black magic and how to sacrifice my annoying kid sister.  Instead, they’re teaching me individual responsibility and how we can build societies that don’t force us to be (expletive deleted) towards each other.  They even taught me to value my sister.  Not even God could do that.”

Nine says he’s not discouraged that the majority of Bolingbrook residents believe in God.  “That just makes our work more important.  More people are killed in the name of God than in the name of Satan.  If residents give us a few years with their children, we’ll all but eliminate youth crime in Bolingbrook.”

Nine added that H2O2 is willing to fight for recognition.  “There’s a certain local Christian organization that politicians are willing to give grants and free publicity to. We hope to get the same level of support because we offer the same kinds of programs that they do.  Otherwise, let’s just say that Satanists love the court system.  Because you shouldn’t hate us because we hate God.”

Both Heart Haven Outreach, and the DuPage Township Board members, refused to be interviewed for this story.

A receptionist for Mayor Roger Claar said he was out of the office. However, there was a line of people waiting to see him.  The receptionist said: “I’m sure Roger will be fair to an organization of people volunteering to go to Hell, but you didn’t hear that from me.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts said, “Charlene, I can’t believe (Trustee Bob Jaskiewicz) held a fundraiser for his party with over year to go before the next election.”

“I know.  His party is in trouble because since the last election Bolingbrook First has spent over $47,000 and held four outreach events.  We’ve also donated to Representative Roskam’s campaign, so he’ll owe us—”

“La!  La!  La!  I can’t hear you.  Jesus loves me.  STEM is good.”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens arrested after attending the wrong opening for Beggar’s Pizza
Twenty injured during shooter drill at Clow UFO Base
Claar:  I have not been questioned by Mueller!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/15/18