Web Exclusive: Roskam campaign to host Sean Casten themed ‘Hellhouse’ in Wheaton (Fiction)

Sources inside Representative Peter Roskam’s campaign say the campaign will run a haunted attraction based around his Democratic opponent, Sean Casten.  Based on “Hellhouses” run by Christian ministries, the attraction will be called “Casten you to Hell.”  It will open October 1st and run through Halloween.

Will this graphic promote Rep. Peter Roskam’s ‘Hellhouse’?

“Sean Casten is a liberal devil,” said Blake, who claims to be a paid member of Roskam’s staff.  “We want to show the voters of the Sixth Congressional District the kind of Hell on Earth Casten would inflict on them.”

According to the sources, horrors planned for the house include: 

  • Women wearing pussy hats while getting abortions
  • Liberals taking away guns because they’re “triggering.”
  • Heavy Duty pickup trucks turning into electric powered subcompact cars
  • Transpeople having the same rights as white men
  • Black Lives Matter activists patrolling Wheaton
  • “Entitled” activists burning an entrepreneur

When asked if the “Entitled” activists were supposed to represent Social Security and Medicare recipients, Blake shushed this reporter.  “We’re not allowed to talk about S and M in Wheaton.”

Jack, a volunteer for Roskam, said part of the house will portray “a Casten owned business.”  It will depict Casten burning money, while employees are taxed to death, and “Christian Freedom Fighters” are crushed by a giant “carbon foot.”

“We tried to get Sean’s former employees to speak out against him,” said Jack.  “None of them wanted to.  He must have cast a spell on them because they all said they liked him.”

Blake says the “Hell House” will play a key role in securing victory for Roskam.  “Most constituents hate Peter.  If we can make them fear Sean, we’ll win.  Fear is stronger than hate.  So spread the fear!  Oh, did you know that Sean’s Barrington office is also a gay bar?  That’s scary!”

A receptionist for the Casten campaign said the campaign didn’t believe Roskam would host such an event.  “These attack ads just cover up the fact that Peter is afraid of his constituents.  Seriously.  When’s the last time you saw Peter in our district?”

In the background, a woman said, “Sean!  (Illinois Speaker of the House Mike Madigan) just sent a truckload of flyers.”  

“Wow.  That’s nice.  Considering I’ve never spoken or donated any money to him.  Let me take a look.  Wait a minute.  These are Kelly Mazeski flyers.”

“Mike included this card with the flyers.”

“Let me see.  ‘Roses are red/Violets are blue/Kelly was my candidate/Drop out of the race or I’ll—’ Woah!”

A receptionist for Roskam neither confirmed nor denied the story.  “I love the Bolingbrook Babbler.  I’ve been reading your stories since I was a kid.  Every week I recite the prayer that will save Bolingbrook.  I’ll tell Peter that you’re on Skype with me!”

The receptionist walked into a meeting room.  Roskam and eight other men were sitting around a table.

“I had a weird dream,” said one of the men.  “I dreamt that Sean Casten told me he was moving to Michigan but he would keep a house in our district so he could still be eligible to represent our district.”

Roskam slapped the table.  “That’s our next web ad.”

“But it was just a dream, congressman.”

“Was it a dream?  God can speak to us in our dreams, right? Maybe he decided to make you a prophet that will lead me to victory.”

“Wow!  I’ve felt God in Wheaton, but—but.”  The man started speaking in tongues.

“I wonder if anyone else on my staff has been blessed by our Lord and Savior.  You know you can’t be on my staff unless He’s touched you.”

The rest of the staff started speaking in tongues.

“I love having Wheaton in my district.”

Satanic non-profit vows to help Bolingbrook’s ‘at-risk youth’ (Fiction)

After rapper MC Set Nine finished his performance in front of a small crowd of pre-teens, he pulled up a chair and asked the audience to move closer.  An assistant handed him several large photos.  MC Set Nine chose to hold up a picture of a painting of King George III.

“This man was a king,” Nine said.  “He was the lord of a large empire.  He could kill or imprison anyone he wanted to.”  Nine holds up another picture.  “Kind of like Darth Vader.”

The audience laughs.

Nine holds up another picture.  “You know who this is?  This is George Washington.  He led the American Revolution because he believed that Kings were evil, and no one should lord over another person. He opposed Feudalism.”  He holds up another picture.  “Just like Luke Skywalker.”

The audience nods.

Nine holds up a picture of a painting.  “This is God.  What are God’s titles?

“King of Kings!”

“Our Lord!”

“Those sound like titles in a feudal state,” said Nine.  “George Washington opposed feudalism.  Would George Washington support an even more powerful King?”

“No!”

“No is right, but he wasn’t strong enough to oppose God.  Do you know who is strong enough?”  Nine holds up another picture.  “This is Lucifer.  Lucifer is a revolutionary against King God.”

“I want to be like Lucifer because I believe in freedom!” said an audience member.

MC Set Nine is one the members of Humans Helping Others Out, Bolingbrook’s newest youth service organization.  The staff members say that their support for Lucifer motivates them to serve Bolingbrook’s “at-risk youth,” but is open to families of all religious backgrounds.

Nine explained: “We believe Bolingbrook parents shouldn’t be forced to choose between creepy Christians and arrogant atheists.  We provide a safe middle ground where our youth learn the sanctity of their bodies and the importance of defending your freedom against supernatural tyrants.  We want to help young people avoid the dangers of crime, drug abuse, and dependence upon the supernatural.”

One attendee, who asked to be called Sheila, said H2O2 wasn’t what she expected.  “I thought they were going to teach me black magic and how to sacrifice my annoying kid sister.  Instead, they’re teaching me individual responsibility and how we can build societies that don’t force us to be (expletive deleted) towards each other.  They even taught me to value my sister.  Not even God could do that.”

Nine says he’s not discouraged that the majority of Bolingbrook residents believe in God.  “That just makes our work more important.  More people are killed in the name of God than in the name of Satan.  If residents give us a few years with their children, we’ll all but eliminate youth crime in Bolingbrook.”

Nine added that H2O2 is willing to fight for recognition.  “There’s a certain local Christian organization that politicians are willing to give grants and free publicity to. We hope to get the same level of support because we offer the same kinds of programs that they do.  Otherwise, let’s just say that Satanists love the court system.  Because you shouldn’t hate us because we hate God.”

Both Heart Haven Outreach, and the DuPage Township Board members, refused to be interviewed for this story.

A receptionist for Mayor Roger Claar said he was out of the office. However, there was a line of people waiting to see him.  The receptionist said: “I’m sure Roger will be fair to an organization of people volunteering to go to Hell, but you didn’t hear that from me.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts said, “Charlene, I can’t believe (Trustee Bob Jaskiewicz) held a fundraiser for his party with over year to go before the next election.”

“I know.  His party is in trouble because since the last election Bolingbrook First has spent over $47,000 and held four outreach events.  We’ve also donated to Representative Roskam’s campaign, so he’ll owe us—”

“La!  La!  La!  I can’t hear you.  Jesus loves me.  STEM is good.”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens arrested after attending the wrong opening for Beggar’s Pizza
Twenty injured during shooter drill at Clow UFO Base
Claar:  I have not been questioned by Mueller!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/15/18