Wereskunks promise not to disrupt Bolingbrook’s garbage forum (Fiction)

Bolingbrook’s wereskunks promised not to disrupt the public forum on garbage collection to be held on March, 26 at 6 PM at the Bolingbrook Community Center.

“Mayor Claar has assured us that we will be safe at this forum,” said Jacob Z. Porter, president of the Bolingbrook Wereskunk Service Organization. In return, we promised not to release a defensive scent whenever someone threatens our cousins.”

Porter said that their members hope to address many misunderstandings that residents have about skunks.

“Our cousins eat almost anything.  They help reduce the number of bugs in Bolingbrook.  Humans hate bugs, right?  They’re also the first line of defense against vicious bees.  Never been attacked by a swarm of bees?  Thank our cousins.  When the killer bees come to Bolingbrook, our cousin will protect you.  Will Bolingbrook protect our cousins?”

Doug, who refused to give his last name, called the proposed garbage toters an act of “genocide” against Bolingbrook’s skunk population.  “Garbage toters deprive our cousins of food.  Residents would rather waste food than give their scraps to our hungry cousins.  Village Hall will spend money to attract more restaurants to Bolingbrook, but when our cousins are hungry, (Mayor Roger Claar) says he hopes they freeze to death over the winter.  After all, wereskunks have done for Bolingbrook, this is how your government thanks to our cousins.  We will not descend into the mud with Roger, but we will respond to the village’s hatred towards us.”

Matt X. Larson, a member of Bolingbrook Residents Against Animal Air Polluters, said he was glad the wereskunks will have a peaceful presence at the meeting, but he said his group still supports garbage toters:  “They tear open our garbage bags, spread litter on our yards, and stink up our neighborhoods.  I can’t wait to tell these wereskunks that garbage toters are as American as apple pie and assault rifles!  Don’t ask me what I think about Roger.”

Doug disagreed:  “What residents call littering, we call artistic expression.  If the village had smart leadership, they would take pictures of our cousins’ works and sell them on the art market.  The village would have a budget surplus in no time.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was mentoring someone and could not be disturbed.  She added, “I think its great that you are promoting this important public meeting.  We have some great toter prototypes to show our residents.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Okay, Charlene, you’ll be on press release duty Tuesday.  I’m giving you a pop quiz.”

“I’m ready.”

“The race between Bruce Rauner and Jeanne Ives is too close to call.”

“It is now up to God to decide who will represent the Republican party in the general election.  Whomever God decides on, our party must come together to fight the Chicago Democratic Machine and their extremist candidate for governor.”

“Bruce Rauner wins in a landslide.”

“Four years ago, the voters decided that Illinois should be run like a business and elected Bruce Rauner.  The Cook County Democrats in the state house are still acting like politicians.  It’s time for all God-fearing Illinoisans to come together to help our boss fire those slackers and make our state profitable.”

“Jeanne Ives wins in a landslide.”

“As a supporter of an organization inspired by God, and as a natural-born citizen, a married father, and someone who goes to church almost every Sunday, I know the power of miracles.  Tonight’s victory was a miraculous event.  Today, my faith in God is stronger than ever.  I hope all Illinois residents will come together and vote for His chosen candidate.”

“Close enough.”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens finally allowed to visit Beggars Pizza in Bolingbrook
UFO crew refuses to place Jeanne Ives sign on craft
Claar decides to ban anti-matter bombs without consulting trustees
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/21/18

Gubernatorial candidate Jeanne Ives accepts Illuminati endorsement (Fiction)

Republican gubernatorial candidate Jeanne Ives accepted the Illuminati’s endorsement during a secret ceremony at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

Jeanne Ives standing next to a tank

State Representative Jeanne Ives.

“Your endorsement means so much to me,” said Ives.  “Throughout my career, I have fought the New World Order’s agenda of creating a one-world, secular,  overly tolerant, world government. Just between you and me, their goals have always struck me as queer.”

Ives admitted that she initially had her concerns about the Illuminati. “All my favorite websites treat the Illuminati like it’s an evil organization.  So I thought they were tempting me to Satan’s side.  Now I understand the Illuminati’s ultimate goal is to create global chaos. The liberal media makes ‘chaos’ out to be a scary word.  All it means is tearing down an oppressive government and creating the opportunity for freedom: The freedom to ban abortion.  The freedom to tell gays they can’t get married.  The freedom to keep the suburbs pure; our rural areas devout; and the freedom to quarantine Chicago.”

Ives also defended her controversial ad mocking transgender people for using the bathroom of their choice.  “I will say anything to take down (Governor Bruce Rauner).  Right now I’m behind in the polls.  The Republicans are a conservative party.  Conservatives hate (slur deleted) because they challenge our belief that there are only two genders, and God chooses which one you are.  We hate difference.  We fear change.  If I can tie the governor to something Republicans fear and hate, then I will win the nomination.  Some bleeding hearts say I’m promoting harmful stereotypes, and contributing to a hostile environment against transpeople.  Tough!  I’m going to take this state back to the 1850s, and you can either get on the wagon or get run over!”

As governor, Ives also promised to protect Bolingbrook residents from “creeping Sharia law,” and hoped Mayor Roger Claar would cooperate with her.  Though Claar performed the Illuminati’s glowing orb ceremony before she walked on stage, he left before she started her speech.

Ives concluded by saying, “Bruce is a member of the New World Order.  If you are a Christian, it is your duty to oppose the New World Order.  Fnord!”

A receptionist for Claar denied that an Illuminati event happened at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.  “I loved those books back in the 1970s, but then I grew up and became a wholesome Bolingbrook resident.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar yelled, “What do you mean you couldn’t kick him off the ballot?  We can’t have a Nazi representing our party in the Illinois Third Congressional race!  Maybe we can persuade Representative Lipinski to switch sides?  He is a Democrat in name only.”

Also in the Babbler:

Three aliens arrested after celebrating Eagles’ Super Bowl win
Russian Twitter bot spotted in Naperville
Some Bolingbrook residents fear ‘traffic apocalypse’ if second Andy’s location opens
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/6/18

Illinois gubernatorial candidate Chris Kennedy vows to shut down Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Chris Kennedy, a Democratic candidate for governor, promised to shut down Clow UFO Base if elected.

“Space aliens have no business in Illinois,” said Kennedy, during a surprise appearance in front of Bolingbrook’s Clow Airport.  “They kidnap the underprivileged, drive up home prices, and fund corrupt candidates like J.B. Pritzker.  Closing Clow UFO Base will send a message to the Deep State that we will not let you run our state.  I love that Governor Bruce Rauner is speaking out against pro-UFO politicians like Michael Madigan and Rahm Emanuel.”

Kennedy also said that the only Republican he didn’t like was Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  “He says Bolingbrook is growing, but how many residents are really humans?  Roger Claar is part of a deliberate effort to alienate Illinois!”

Kennedy spoke in front of Clow for 10 minutes before security asked him to leave.

“My campaign may be broke,” said Kennedy, as he was escorted off airport property.  “I may not have the support of the media, but I have the truth, and that will lead me to victory!”

An anonymous member of the Kennedy campaign said the Clow event was an attempt to energize the campaign.  “We scored a big hit when we accused Rahm of trying to drive out people of color from Chicago.  We wanted to do something similar to shore up the white vote, but we had to do it in a way that wouldn’t offend our progressive allies.  We thought getting rid of space aliens was the way to go.  Plus, we might even get some votes from Alex Jones’ fans.”

Pritzker did not address the content of Kennedy’s speech but did praise Bolingbrook: “I loved canvassing in Bolingbrook.  There are some great people there.  I didn’t see any UFOs in Bolingbrook, but I did get an endorsement from Jackie Traynere.

A spokesperson for the Daniel Biss campaign also didn’t comment directly on the speech, saying: “We hope that Illinoisans will support our down to earth campaign.”

The receptionist at Claar’s office denied the event happened.  “There is no UFO Base on the grounds of Clow Airport.  Just between you and me, I heard that your articles bring tourists into Bolingbrook.  That’s why Roger puts up with your paper.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Bob, you’ve been complaining about how I haven’t told residents about our new trash fee.  So here’s a letter I’m going to send to every homeowner.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz replied, “You’re naming the fee after me?”

“Don’t say I never did anything for you.”

Also in the Babbler:

No zombies at Bolingbrook United fundraiser
Claar: Village, not state, should regulate local mind-control cells
Bolingbrook man charged with assaulting alien
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/1/18

Web Exclusive: Illuminati investigates Clow UFO Base following Women’s March in Chicago (Fiction)

After 300,000 people attended the Women’s March Chicago, the Illuminati announced it was launching an investigation into security at Clow UFO Base.

“We cannot believe that more humans attended this year’s march than last year’s march,” said Mu, an investigator aligned with the Illuminati.  “We think most of the marchers were aliens, and that means there was a serious security breach at Clow UFO Base.  We also think the New World Order bussed in aliens to Chicago from their base in Rochelle, IL.  We are going to get to the bottom of this, starting with Clow.”

Clow officials denied any security breaches at the base.

“The base is still locked down,” said an official who asked to remain anonymous.  “There are no flights to Clow, and we are keeping a close eye on flights leaving Clow.  To the best of our knowledge, none of our visitors went to the Chicago march.  Mayor Claar made it very clear that we were to do everything in our power to keep visitors away from the march.  If you ask me, I think a lot of people just hate President Trump and his administration’s treatment of women.  That’s why the marches were so popular.  But you didn’t ask me.”

Other officials said they would cooperate with the Illuminati, but did not believe any aliens from Clow attended the march.

Clow UFO Base is under the jurisdiction of the Illuminati following Mayor Roger Claar’s defection from the New World Order in 2016.

Thomas Xavier, an administrator for the New World Order, says only ten aliens were authorized from Hub 35 in Rochelle to attend the march and believes others watched from orbit.

“We did not use our visitors to inflate the numbers of marchers in Chicago.  The public is rejecting the chaos sought by the Illuminati and will turn to the order and stability we will offer them.  The tide is turning.”

A phone call to Claar was answered by a receptionist, who said he was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Charline, I just found out that my slide on the racial demographics of Bolingbrook is wrong.”

“You approved it.”

“You messed it up.”

“I didn’t mess it up.  I did it on purpose.”

“Why?”

“I was sending a subliminal message to the Trump supporters in Bolingbrook that you stand by our president 110%.”

“Try to be more subtle next time.”

From the Webmaster: Will County Resistance Fair to be held on August 26 (Mixed)

By Wendy Onofrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

Believe it or not, I do get Saturdays off, and this Saturday I’ll be at the Will County Resistance Fair.  It’s a free gathering of Will County progressive groups.  The fair provides an opportunity to find volunteer opportunities or possible employment.  It is at the Holiday Inn and Suites, 205 Remington Boulevard, Bolingbrook, Illinois 60440. It runs from 10 AM to 4 PM.  The hosts are Will County Board member Jackie Traynere and Congressperson Bill Foster.

Representatives from the following groups will be there:  CAIR, NAACP, Indivisible, Our Revolution, Mom’s Demand Action, Healthy Illinois, PDA, and Food and Water Watch.

In addition to visiting booths, visitors can also attend these free training sessions:

11:00 AM: Advanced Social & Mainstream Media by Food and Water Watch
12:00 PM: Climate Change… Science, not Politics
12:00 PM:  Running for Office
1:00 PM: Grassroots Lobbying
1:00 PM: Healthy Illinois
2:30 PM: Climate Change … Science, not Politics
2:00 PM: Electoral Strategy & Messaging
3:00 PM: Stay on the Ballot

If you consider yourself a progressive, this is a chance to find active groups in Will County that may interest you.

I don’t know if there will be any space aliens at the fair, but you never know…

Web Exclusive: Peotone IL named finalist for site of NWO’s new Chicagoland UFO Base (Fiction)

The New World Order selected Peotone, IL as one of three finalists for a new Chicagoland UFO Base.

Enhanced image of Peotone, IL. (Original by Teemu08)

The selection committee wrote: “Being located in Will County, Peotone offers many of the advantages that Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base has without the disadvantage of being run by a traitorous mayor.”

After the Presidential Election, Bolingbrook’s Mayor Roger Claar switched his allegiance to the Illuminati and placed Clow under their jurisdiction.  Failing to remove Claar in the April election, the New World Order started planning a new UFO base.

A spokesman for the Peotone Village President Steven Cross, who asked to be called Carl, said the village is honored to be considered:  “We may never get the third Chicago Airport, but we have a good shot at this UFO base.  Hardly anyone will notice its construction, and the base will be underground.  That means our residents won’t be inconvenienced by the base,  unlike they would by an airport.”

Pamela Z. Stouffer, a spokesperson for Will County’s Interstellar Relations department, credited Will County Board Member Jacqueline Traynere for Peotone making the final three:  “She didn’t win the election against Roger, but she made a lot of connections within the New World Order.  Now we don’t want to get involved in the war with the Illuminati, but we can’t pass up the opportunity to be able to collect taxes from two UFO bases!”

The other sites up for consideration are the South side of Chicago, and Lake County.

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel personally wrote the proposal for their site:  “What better way to stick it to Roger than to build a UFO Base in Chicago?  I will waive all taxes on interstellar trade if you promise to pay off our city’s pensions.  Unlike a certain president, we know how to make great deals for the right sentient beings.”

Lake County’s proposal is a classified number of smaller bases connected by subways lines.  Officials say that their plan will allow all of Lake County to profit, rather than one community.

“We get a lot of visitors from the solar system of the Lost Tribes of Israel,” said one county official.  “When they visit our many synagogues, they always complain about the car ride from Bolingbrook.  Under our plans, visitors can land in Lake County, then walk to the synagogue of their choice.  What a concept!”

Lake County started its “charm offensive” by inviting representatives of the New World Order to a party to celebrate their selection.  The Maxwell Street Klezmer Band performed a concert.  County officials, wearing paper bags, told jokes to entertain the audience, and poke fun at Claar and the Illuminati.

“So the Bolingbrook Village Board is touring the solar system in a UFO.  The pilot walks into the cabin and says, ‘There’s a problem with the engines.  We might have to bail out over Earth.’    The pilot goes back to the cockpit.  Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz gets a parachute.  Mayor Roger Claar grabs the chute.  He says, ‘I am Bolingbrook!  I have to live.’  Roger then jumps out the airlock.  Robert grabs another chute.  Trustee Leroy Brown takes chute from Robert.  ‘I have to live because Roger needs me.’  He jumps out of the airlock.  This happens with each of the other trustees.  Finally, Robert is alone, and the pilot returns.  Robert says, ‘I don’t understand why they grabbed my chute.  There’s more than enough for everyone.’  The pilot says, ‘I don’t understand why they jumped.  We’re still over Jupiter.’”

We get letters (Fiction)

By Doug Fields
Reader’s Editor

Once again, many readers have sent us letters; and once again, I select the best.  It has been challenging the past few months, but I finally have enough for a column.

First, an anonymous resident has a message for the #resistance:

To the Editor

The NRA is right. They’re out to get us, and our President! The only way we can fight back is to hurt the other side!  If they don’t want to be triggered, they should submit to our President and the NRA.  I’m going to buy some more guns, in case I need to defend myself!

Concerned Citizen
Bolingbrook, IL 

I don’t know.  If you have to threaten violence to defend President Donald Trump, maybe you need to rethink your support.  In the meantime, the world is already a violent place.  Let’s not make it worse.

Another Bolingbrook resident thinks the state government has given us an Independence Day gift:

To the Editor:

Did you hear the great news?  There’s no budget!  That means, there’s no state government.  We are free from the shackles of Springfield.  Chicago is isolated!  (Mayor Roger Claar) is free to create and expand Bolingbrook.  Freedom reigns!

John Z. Wellman
Bolingbrook, IL

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way, and Bolingbrook stands to lose state funding that it can’t afford to lose.  We hope that the situation gets resolved this week, with minimal damage to the state.

Speaking of Bolingbrook, this reader offers her perspective on the 6/13/17 Village Board meeting:

To the Editor:

The Bolingbrook First Party claims that it supports Mayor Roger Claar, and is opposed to the Bolingbrook United Party.

Let’s look at one simple fact:  In the June meeting, all the members of Bolingbrook First voted with Bolingbrook United’s Robert Jaskiewicz 90 percent of the time.  This alliance between Bolingbrook First and Bolingbrook United is unholy and is a betrayal of Roger!

In April of 2018, everyone will have the chance to vote for the only political party that fully supports Roger!  The Roger Claar party is the only party you should be voting for next year.  Why? Because we will amend the village charter to disqualify any candidates or office holders who do not fully support Roger.  This is the key to reuniting Bolingbrook!

Don’t waste your time with the so-called Bolingbrook First Party.  Next year, vote for the party that is proud to name itself after Roger Claar!

Megan X Sherman
Roger Claar Party (Not affiliated with Mayor Roger Claar)
Bolingbrook, IL

It could be, or it could be that there were no controversial issues on the agenda, and Jaskiewicz wasn’t going to vote against Claar for the sake of voting against Claar.

That’s all for this week.  Have a fun and safe Fourth of July.  Maybe we’ll see you at The All-American Celebration?

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar looks for oil in his backyard
Aliens offer to invade Illinois, ‘to restore order’
Bolingbrook police raid illegal tank factory
God to spare Bolingbrook this week

Web Exclusive: Village of Bolingbrook starts Bitcoin mining operation (Fiction)

Faced with Illinois’s financial uncertainties, sources say Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar is using the village’s computers to mine for Bitcoins.

BitcoinA source with ties to Bolingbrook’s IT Commission explained the decision: “Desperate times call for desperate measures.  I mean bold measures.  Yes, bold measures!  Roger is making bold decisions!  That’s why he’s mayor.”

Bitcoin, a currency found on the Internet, was introduced in 2009.  It is popular among libertarians, hackers, and people who don’t trust governments.  Special computer programs mine for newly created Bitcoins.

Another source explained Claar’s interest in Bitcoins:  “Right now, One Bitcoin is worth $2541.80.  Imagine what we could do with a bunch of them!”

A village employee, who asked to be called Jane, said Roger personally installed a Bitcoin mining program on her PC.  “He said it would make money for the village.  I started to ask a question, but then he added that if I stopped asking questions, he would also install a screensaver with pictures of his granddaughter.  How could I resist?”

Another employee, who asked to be called Beth, said she told Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz about the mining operation:  “I showed him my screen, and said I was making money for the village.  I tried to rub it in and say that Roger is a genius.  He just looked at the screen and said it was interesting.  Then he walked over to Roger’s office and slowly knocked on the door.  I got out of there because I had a bad feeling.”

The following is a transcript of Jaskiewicz’s conversation with Claar compiled from eyewitness accounts:

Jaskiewicz:  Are you really Bitcoin mining?

Claar:  Yes.  We have to think outside of the box if we’re going to survive.  The state is on the verge of junk bond status, and we could lose control of our property taxes.  Bitten coin mining could save our revenue stream.  Have you seen the current exchange rate?  Personally, it’s about time I got something good from the Internet!

Jaskiewicz: Roger, you’re going to spend more on electricity than you’ll earn in Bitcoins.  That’s assuming you find a reputable exchange site.  You’d be better off farming World of Warcraft Gold or Eve Online ISK.  Still, either of those ideas won’t make up for the loss in state revenue.

Claar:  What do you suggest?

Jaskiewicz:  For starters, the Bolingbrook Golf Club—

Claar:  You keep my golf club out of this!

When called for comment, a receptionist for said Claar was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like intern Charlene said, “Good news, Roger!  I just sent a message to all the Democratic leaders in Cook County telling them they’re not invited to The All-American Celebration on July 4.”

“I hope you didn’t send a message to Representative Dan Lipinski.  He helped me out in the last election.  Daily Kos says he might have been the key to my victory.”

“Uh oh.”

“Oh don’t worry.  I have Dan on speed dial.  We’ll get this straightened out.”

Web Exclusive: Lord Buckethead escapes Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Intergalactic Lord, arms dealer, and British politician Lord Buckethead escaped Clow UFO Base with the help of commandos.

File photo of Lord Buckethead by By Jonathan Harvey – Jonathan Harvey, CC BY-SA 4.0.

The breakout, which many sources consider the greatest security breach in Clow’s history, resulted in billions of dollars in damage.  Ten staff members suffered minor injuries.

“It’s was horrible!”, said an anonymous staffer.  “I dove under a table when the explosions started.  I really got scared when the Men in Blue started falling asleep.  When the explosions stopped, I got up and looked out my window.  There was a huge hole in the ceiling over the courtyard.  A small craft landed in the yard.  I was amazed that the drones didn’t attack it.  Anyway, Lord Buckethead and five commandos ran towards the ship.  When Lord Buckethead reached the craft, he did a dab then boarded.  I will never like that dance again!”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar was just starting a board meeting when told of the attack.  He called an executive session and pretended it was to discuss a pending legal case.  Once in a secure room, Claar tried to remotely revive the Men in Blue while IT staff tried to reboot’s Clow’s defenses.

After Lord Buckethead’s escape, Claar addressed the trustees.  The following is from the minutes of that executive session:

Mayor Roger Claar, a true Bolingbrook resident, honest to a fault, and a member of Bolingbrook First party, which always puts Bolingbrook first, said that he suspected Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the dishonest Bolingbrook United party, was behind the escape.

Jaskiewicz, who ran against the noble Bolingbrook First Party, who dishonestly asserted that Mayor Claar wasn’t the savior of Bolingbrook, and ran evil campaign ads that said Bolingbrook United was the best party for Bolingbrook, said he had nothing to do with the attack.  Jaskiewicz then questioned the wonderful Illuminati’s ability to defend Clow.

Lord Buckethead was held at Clow after being captured by the Illuminati during his visit to the United States.  The Illuminati charged him with illegal public actions and illegal arms trading.  Lord Buckethead, in between obscene comments, said he had a permit from the New World Order to run for Parliament, and did not respect the Illuminati.  Illuminati officials told him that they are at war with the New World Order, and he would have one day to decide to defect to the Illuminati or be executed after a show trial.

After his escape, Lord Buckethead released the following statement:

I don’t know what was worse: Being threatened with execution, or listening to Bolingbrook’s mayor whine about a governor he helped elect.  The civil war between Earth’s secret societies is turning your planet into a globe of (expletive deleted).  To the pathetic government of Bolingbrook:  I, Lord Buckethead, will now offer a discount on my car mounted laser guns to anyone who races cars on 95th Street!  Let the wreckage of Bolingbrook’s police cars be a lesson to any village that dares to detain me!

When reached for comment, a receptionist for the Village said he was busy.

“There’s a SOP for calls from you guys.  Let me look it up.”

In the background, a young woman said, “I wish would Roger would hurry up.”  She started to sing:  “How do you like my dab?/How do you like my dab?/How do—“

After a pause, a man who sounded like Claar said, “I don’t.”