Web Exclusive! Foster and Rashid clash over Gaza during debate at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

Congressman Bill Foster (File Photo)

Qasim Rashid (File Photo)

By Reporter X

Congressman Bill Foster and his primary opponent Qasim Rashid held their first full debate at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base. The conflict in Gaza dominated their two-hour debate. The audience, which packed the new Bob Bailey Stadium, included undecided residents of the Illinois 11th Congressional District who work off-world, and alien dignitaries.

The debate immediately got off to a rough start, beginning with the opening statements. Foster said, “Hello. I’m Congressman Bill Foster, the only scientist in Congress. For many years, I knew AI was an existential threat to humanity before it was cool. I’m a businessman who understands that no one profits from human extinction. The Interstellar Commonwealth knows there’s no one in Congress who works harder to cover up alien visitors than me. I believe in independent solutions, not trendy manifestos. Why would you vote for anyone else?”

Foster tried to leave the stage, but three Men in Blue escorted him back to his podium.

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta walked on stage and said, “You’re not getting out of this debate. It’s too important, and we’re making a fortune off of the interplanetary broadcast rights.”

Foster replied, “But I have two fundraisers to attend. As the leader of the First Party for Bolingbrook, you understand the importance of amassing an enormous campaign fund.”

“If you hadn’t endorsed Bolingbrook United, I might have given you a pass.”

“Some days, I really hate the First Party.”

After Rashid described his work as a human rights lawyer, a defender of domestic abuse survivors and long-time resident of DuPage County, he said, “I believe not only in human rights, but the rights of every sentient beings. As your congressman, I will not rest until we’ve decolonized the entire solar system.”

Thousands of attendees panicked, fearing an imminent attack from the Martian Colonies. Alexander-Basta claimed the audience by saying the Mars Colonial Ambassador assured her they would not attack this time. “I’m giving you a warning, Mr. Rashid. We may have the best defensive systems on Earth, but that means you’ll only have ten seconds to make your peace with Allah. We don’t antagonize the most powerful civilization in the solar system.”

“I meant no disrespect,” Rashid replied. “I may not drink, but I love Mars Bars.”

“We don’t tolerate dad jokes here.”

The moderators started by asking questions about, “the most noticeable war on Earth,” the war in Gaza. Both candidates denounced Hamas’s attack on October 7.

“Hello. Human rights lawyer here,” said Rashid. Of course I denounce what Hamas did, and, as I posted on Threads, ‘The response to (Hamas’) war crimes against civilians cannot be more war crimes against more civilians.’”

Foster criticized Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “Netanyahu deserves a special place in Hell for propping up Hamas and for all the unnecessary civilian deaths. However, Israel has a right to defend itself.” Then he looked at Alexander-Basta and said, “Can I leave? Bank of America is serving a very rare cheese at my fundraiser.”

“No. I think this debate is more important than eating cheese.”

“But it’s sponsored by Bank of America, and it’s really expensive cheese!”

“You can have some Enceladus cheese, but you have to finish your debate first.”

“I hate you.”

“This is for your own good.”

Both candidates then clashed over whether there should be a ceasefire in Gaza.

Rashid said, “Stop bombing Gaza. Stop firing rockets at Israel. Release the hostages. Release Palestinian children from prisons. Abstaining from war is the most effective method of preventing civilian casualties.”

Foster accused Rashid of supporting a unilateral ceasefire.

“Hamas’s 1988 and 2017 manifestos make it clear they won’t stop until they’ve retaken all of Palestine. If Israel stops shooting, Hamas will keep shooting. Your so-called ceasefire is a suicide pact for every Israeli!”

“Seriously?” Rashid asked. “‘Ceasefire’ means ceasefire. As in, no bombs or rockets dropping from the sky, no marauders in neighborhoods, no hostages and no tanks in the streets. Just like it is in Naperville, and that’s one reason Naperville is the best suburb in Chicago. We’ve earned our reputation.”

“I don’t even know where to begin.”

During the audience Q and A segment, most of the participants either demanded that Foster support a ceasefire or that Rashid denounce Hamas.

At one point, Rashid replied. “The Hague should prosecute Hamas for war crimes. Is that good enough?”

The questioner said, “You didn’t call them evil, so that means you support Hamas.”

A visitor from the Trappist system said, “The obvious solution is to build a tesseract so Israelis and Palestinians can occupy the land at the same time. Why won’t you build one?”

Foster shook his head, then made a phone call. “Fermilab? This is Bill. Can you rebuild the Tevatron? I’m in an atom smashing mood.”

A woman wearing a kaffiyeh accused Rashid of being a Zionist. “You’re spreading fake news! The truth is the media staged the attacks and then the IDF used crisis actors to frame Hamas. Now the IDF is dropping booby trapped cans of food in Gaza. Why won’t you tell the truth about the genocide in Gaza?”

Before Rashid could respond, a woman wearing a t-shirt with the phrase, “Make Gaza Jewish again,” seized the microphone and addressed Foster.

“How dare you accuse Israel of being wrong! Hamas beheaded 40 babies and had armories in hospitals. We even have proof that terrorists named Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday took turns guarding the hostages!”

“Lies. The truth is Zionists stole homes our families owned for generations. Zionists are colonists, and colonists can’t be civilians!”

“Fake news! Invaders stole the land from us, then forced us into exile. After the invaders left, your ancestors occupied our land without permission. That means Zionists are the real de-colonizers!”

“More lies! The Interstellar Tribes of Israel are proof Israelis are alien colonists!”

The Intersellar Tribes of Israel are the descendents of the Lost Tribes of Israel. An alien civilization rescued them from the Assyrian invaders and moved them to another solar system. The Intersellar Tribes only reestablished contact with Earth in the early 21 century.

A loud noise startled the attendees. The activists stopped arguing and asked what it was.

Alexander-Basta replied, “That’s the sound of all the Arab and Israeli fact checkers screaming at once.”

During closing statements Rashid said, “I’ve been called a single issue candidate and they’re right. My single issue is human rights. That means I support Medicare for All, fighting climate change, defending reproductive rights, and standing up for those too powerless to stand up for themselves. So I’m fighting for your vote, so that I can fight for you in Congress. Unlike my opponent, who is fighting to rename every post office in the district.”

Foster focused on experience and attacked Rashid. “I’ve co-sponsored over 2000 bills. Some of them even became law. My opponent is so divisive, he won’t be able to rename a mail drop box. He talks about fighting, but his signature issue is letting Hamas rampage from the river to the sea. If he can’t stand up to Hamas, how can we expect him to defend us against the combined forces of Bard, ChatGPT, and Claude? Did I mention I’m the only scientist in Congress? My opponent’s last campaign was so disastrous that the Virginia Democratic Party exiled him. Now, I know many of my past supporters are mad at me. That’s your right, but I have a question. Do you really want to discard a seasoned congressman because he won’t say the magic word ‘ceasefire?’”

After the debate, supporters from each campaign tried to spin the interplanetary media’s coverage.

Will County Board member Jackie Tranyere said, “Every visitor I’ve ever introduced to Bill tells me they wish more humans were like him. He’s done so much good work for the district, the country, and humanity. Instead of bothering my good friend, Qasim should do something productive, like filing a class action lawsuit against Hamas.”

DuPage Township Trustee Reem Townsend said, “Although Qasim and I have some disagreements about Palestine, we have to help him win. Bill Foster continues to fund Israel’s genocide against Gaza. When Zionists bomb innocent children, Bill gives them more bombs. Congressman Foster belongs in Hell, not Congress.

“Oh, and I have a message for Mr. Hanania: You try observing Ramadan, and see how far you make it through a public meeting before. I’ll accept a private apology.”

Update: Corrected Trustee Reem Townsend’s quote. The partial misquote was due to a decryption error. We apologize for the error.

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.

Center for Inquiry and Richard Dawkins filming ‘The Sound of Reason’ in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

The only movie production still operating in the United States is currently shooting scenes in Bolingbrook. Currently titled The Sound of Reason, controversial Professor Richard Dawkins and the equally controversial Center for Inquiry are producing what they claim will be the atheist version of The Sound of Freedom.

Said a production manager, who asked not to be identified, “If you can’t beat them, copy them. They’re not the only ones who can make vile accusations against our opponents.”

The movie is about a young British Home Office employee named Richard who uncovers a sinister cabal planning to infect a mind virus on the Western World. When his supervisor, Peter Zed, threatens to reprimand Richard for his dangerous ideas, Richard resigns and sets out to stop the “Broke” mind virus.

Because most of the actors are British, and most of the scenes are being filmed in Oxford, UK, The Sound of Reason is exempt from the SAG/SWG strike. CFI, according to sources, insisted on filming part of the movie in the United States. The production, however, does not have a permit from the Village of Bolingbrook. As a result, the crew film at night with hidden cameras.

Paul X. Cooper, a Bolingbrook resident, claims the crew drafted him into being an extra. “Some guy handed me a $100 and told me to watch the actors and pretend to be offended. When they said Christianity was a symptom of the Broke Mind Virus, I didn’t need to act offend. I was offended.”

According to a source within Village Hall, Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta refused to grant a film permit. The sources claim she objected to this scene that was going to be filmed in front of the Bolingbrook Community Center. The sources provided a copy of the scene.

Richard: It’s hideous the way they infect children with the Broke Mind Virus. Parents are fooled into sending their children into special schools, where they are groomed to accept the mind infection.

Average American character to be named later: That’s terrible! Who should I shoot first?

Richard: But that’s not the worst part?

Average: It’s not?

Richard: The worst part is what they do to the children who resist the virus. They’re labeled “At Risk Youth” and forced to attend special sessions where infectors devise individual behavior modification programs for each sweet, innocent little child. Once infected with the Broke Mind Virus at such a young age, the condition is almost incurable!

Average: Outrageous! I must jump on social media and post about the radical gender identity cultural Marxists!

Richard: Gender identity? No. I’m talking about delusional religious leaders. 

Alexander-Basta denied meeting with a film crew. She urged all residents to remain calm during the strike. “There’s lots of content on the streaming platforms. HBO can revive all the programs they pulled. But in the unlikely event you finish watching all the platforms, we have lots of books you can check out at the library.”

A spokesperson for CFI denied they were producing a movie. The spokesperson started crying and said, “I survived Covid only to be interviewed by the Babbler. There is a secular hell, and I’m in it!”

In the background, a man who sounded like Richard Dawkins said, “My Twitter feed isn’t what it used to be. How will you fix it?”

A man who sounded like Elon Musk said, “I will come up with something and it will work because I’m a billionaire!”

Also in the Babbler

Chicagoland survives Russian tornado attack
Fire elementals devastate Canada
Gender critical feminists attack person critical of gender
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/20/23

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook Bears? (Fiction)

Bolingbrook may have joined Arlington Heights, Naperville, and Waukegan to be the new home of the Bears.

According to anonymous sources with relatives who have friends that each have a connection to the Village of Bolingbrook, the village submitted an “extensive proposal” to the team. The alleged proposal includes:

  • “Supporting” the construction of a $2 Billion stadium to be built under the Bolingbrook Golf Club.
  • $3 Billion in property tax credits.
  • Provide “subsidies” to build an extensive tunnel network.
  • Free Americana Estates lots for players and management to build “high end housing.”
  • All local elected officials swearing an oath to only make positive statements about the team.

One anonymous source defended the proposal. “This is a win for everyone. The Bears get a state-of-the-art stadium. The property values for Americana Estates will skyrocket, which means the village will make money when they sell their lots and when they collect property taxes! The big spenders can take the elevator to the Bolingbrook Golf Club. The residents won’t have to deal with football traffic. Local businesses won’t be overwhelmed with fans. It might even be profitable someday. Just like the Golf Club will be in the future!”

Not all residents are impressed with the plan. Peter X. Lott, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Art Bell Party, says the plan is irresponsible.

“Everyone knows they built Bolingbrook over the remains of a pre-Ice Age metropolis. One careless dig is all it would take to turn our wonderful community into a sinkhole!”

A source connected to the Bears doubts they will select Bolingbrook. “Honestly, we’re just trying to scare all the taxing bodies in Arlington Heights. They assumed we committed to them after buying Arlington Park for $197.2 million. But we’re used to losing millions drafting and trading for worthless players. So if they want a chance at any of our money, they’re going to let us sack them!”

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta denied the village was lobbying the Bears to move to Bolingbrook. “Stadium deals aren’t worth it. There are better ways to help Bolingbrook. Like celebrating the refurbishing of Bolingbrook Commons!”

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Michael Carpanzano said, “We should start using BrookBot to make important decisions. It’ll make us look like a community of the future.”

“I don’t know,” said a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer. “BrookBot. A bus picks up three passengers. At the next stop, one passenger leaves, and five get on. At the next stop, four passengers leave and one gets on. At the next stop, two leave, and one gets on. How many stops did the bus make?”

A digital voice replied, “42!”

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. Subscribe to my newsletter to get free eBook, God to Smite Bolingbrook. You can also buy me a coffee.

We Get Letters — Democracy is on the ballot. Again (Fiction)

The Bolingbrook Babbler's Decision 2022 Special Report

Will 2022 be Bolingbrook’s last free election?

By Doug Fields

Reader’s Editor

Somehow, we are once again facing the most important election of our lives. Do we value low gas prices more than our democratic republic? Based on our letters, it’s going to be a close race.

First, let me point out that we received too many letters like this:

To the editor:

Inflation is out of control. Every night, Fox News shows our cities on fire. People who aren’t like me exist! Our country is moving in the wrong direction!

Meanwhile (Democrat Party candidate), supports the Green New Deal, defunding the police, high prices, and persecuting President Trump!

I’m voting for (Republican Party candidate) because the only way we’re going to beat inflation is to investigate Hunter Biden, impeach President Biden, build Trump’s Wall, and make fake Americans suffer!

(Insert Name here)
(Insert City)

And like this:

To the editor:

I hate President Biden, but I love (Democratic candidate). (Pronoun) brought jobs to our district and (Pronoun) will support your right to choose. (Pronoun) voted to fund our police departments. (Pronoun) believes elections count! (Pronoun) supports Israel!

Did I mention (Democratic candidate) voted to fund the police and is 100% pro-choice?

Vote for (Democratic candidate) if you worked hard for your Social Security and Medicare benefits!

(Insert name here)
(Insert City)

You’re not an average Patch reader. You’re a Babbler reader. Show it in your letters! Like this reader did:

To the editor:

State Representative Chris Bos says he’s tough on crime, but he supports criminals buying their way out of jail! Did it not occur to him that international drug cartels, gangs, human trafficking rings, and rich parents can afford to buy their freedom? Maybe they’re Bos’ Bosses?

That’s why I’m supporting Palatine native Nabeela Syed. She has the courage to stand up to the rich criminals of Cook County. She also believes in sensible law enforcement. Supporting the right to choose means our overworked police departments won’t be burdened with investigating miscarriages or questioning residents about their period tracker reports.

Bos’ whining won’t solve our problems. We need someone who will make non-alcoholic wine! Vote Syed!

Stephanie Zimmerman
Palatine, IL

Illinois Democratic Party, hire her to handle your messaging!

We think somebody sent this letter out a bit early.

To the Editor:

Thanks to the Cook County Democrats, Will County Clark Lauren Staley Ferry has stolen Antonio Timothee’s seat on the Will County Board! We need to find the ___ she stole before it’s too late!

Timothee and I are going to visit every home and ask who they voted for. We’ll be armed and willing to shoot any Antifa terrorist who tries to stop us. 

Your publication needs to stop posting fake news, and start reporting the real news about the steal! If you don’t, we’ll hold a legitimate protest in your newsroom!

Joe Z. Newman
Bolingbrook, IL

We wonder what will happen if he wins this allegedly rigged election.

Finally, let’s end with an upbeat letter.

To the Editor:

I’m tired of all the mean people running for office. That’s why I’m voting for Elnalyn Costa for Will County Board. She’s nice! It’s nice to see that I can vote for her. So be nice and vote for Costa!

Ellen X. Coats

Bolingbrook, IL

All we can add is to vote on Tuesday like it will be the last time your vote will count!

Also in the Babbler:

Off-world ballots are secure and safe says Interstellar Commonwealth
Russian wind attack falters
Only space aliens with US Citizenship allowed to vote
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/9/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Female Illuminati members stage walk-out following overturning of Roe v. Wade (Fiction)

Friday, several female members of the Illuminati walked out of the Bolingbrook Golf Club to protest the Supreme Court’s decision abolishing the right to abortion. The walkout occurred during a ritual performed by anti-abortion male members.

“You can’t have global chaos without freedom of choice,” said one member who asked not to be identified. “If we give government the power to control our bodies, we might as well surrender to the New World Order.”

Laura, the Illuminati Chaplin of North America, said: “This is a major step backwards in the fight for true freedom. If our wombs are not fee, then we are not free.”

Sapphire, an Illuminati Knight of Chaos, added: “Forced pregnancies only help the New World Order by controlling our bodies. We are not fighting the NWO just to create our own order! Chaos means freedom. All who oppose the right to abortion should be purged from the Illuminati.”

The dispute started shortly after Master Councilor George announced the supreme court’s decision. He claimed the Illuminati influenced the court and told the gathering to join him in celebrating the chaos that will be created by the birth of “millions of unwanted babies!”

This prompted Illuminati member Rep. Marie Newman to stand up and yell: “This is not how you create chaos. This is how you create (expletive deleted). I can’t stand the smell of (expletive). Let’s step outside and choose to breathe fresh air!”

Fellow Illuminati member Jeanne Ives also stood up. She said: “I could lie about this, but I won’t. This is the wrong time to repeal Roe. We still have an election to seize. Everyone knows that you campaign on repealing Roe, not on actually doing it. We were doing great at restricting abortion access until you made the Supreme Court ruin everything. Now abortion will be an issue in every single election—Even the township elections. Not to mention that the New World Order will have a chance to ratify the Equal Rights Amendment. Then what? The Supreme Court declares the Constitution unconstitutional? I’m sorry, but for once I’m going to stand with my sisters and join them outside.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta did not join the walkout, nor did she participate in the Rite of a Thousand Cries. Alexander-Basta ordered the Village Trustees not to participate either.

“Not one word from any of you,” Basta said. “I’ve spent too much time building an apolitical reputation with everyone but Bonnie. I won’t have it ruined by the Supreme Court. For now, the ‘A’ word is not in our vocabulary!”

After performing the rite, George said female Illuminati members were overreacting. He arose and stated: “Every child bearing member will still be able to get an abortion, paid for by the order. That makes them special. Don’t you want to be special?” George added that the Supreme Court’s decision will help spark a second civil war in the United States. “State governments won’t be enforcing abortion bans because they’ll be caught in the crossfire between militias. That’s why we made the Court expand the Second Amendment. Come on, you didn’t really believe I was ‘pro-life,’ did ya?”

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was busy dealing with the aftermath of the WeatherTech shooting and could not be disturbed. 

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts, said: “You know, Charlene, all the anger and tragedy this week has helped me to put things in prospective.”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer replied: “Me too. That’s why I’m getting my tubes tied, securing an Icelandic passport, and doubling my efforts to troll the DuPage Township into oblivion. I don’t know how much time I’ll have before the Court declares women’s rights unconstitutional.”

Also in the Babbler:

Editorial: The bell tolls for Bolingbrook
Weredeer unfortunately celebrate repeal of Roe
Abortion is still legal at Clow UFO Base
God to spare Bolingbrook this week

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is available for preorder. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Democratic State Representative candidates Laliberte-Barnes and Syed clash at Palatine’s UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Democratic State Representative candidates for District 51, Chelsea Laliberte-Barnes and Nabeela Syed, debated covert and public issues during their debate at Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base. The debate, sponsored by Sherman’s unions and broadcast live throughout the solar system, showed a clear contrast between the two candidates.

Syed’s opening remarks, which mentioned working with Emily’s List and other progressive groups, ended with her singing “Gloop, Gloop, Gloop,” and doing a short dance.

“What was that?” asked Barnes.

“It’s the hottest trend on interplanetary TikTok,” Syed replied. “Some residents working on Triton said they’d vote me if I did it during the debate. I love connecting with the residents of the 51st, even if they are working off-world. You’d know this if you spent more time canvassing instead of fundraising.”

Barnes replied, “Well if a certain candidate hadn’t raised close to $200,000, and wasn’t constrained by a family, I wouldn’t have to hold fundraisers.”

“Well, because of my community and political work, so many individuals were willing to donate to my campaign. They don’t want someone who will work with racist Republicans. They want someone who will work for the residents of this district.”

Later, Barnes, a social worker, highlighted her efforts to fight drug addiction and provide mental health support.

“These causes mean so much to me. That is why I’m willing to reach a consensus with the fascist anti-women Republican party if it will help the residents of our district. Of course, if our visitors decided to share their advanced medical knowledge, I wouldn’t have to make deals with the elephant worshiping death cult.”

Syed responded by claiming to be uniquely qualified to deal with the Interstellar Commonwealth: “I have been practicing interfaith dialogue for years, and interstellar dialogue isn’t that different. Some of the Commonwealth’s leaders question if intelligent life exists in our district. I can point to Fremd High School and Harper College,  and confidently say there is intelligent life in our district.” Syed then said: “And this is for my new friends who work on Pluto.” She held up a sign that read, “Dwarf planets are planets,” and then did a short dance. “More  votes for me.”

Barnes said she could “play the meme game too,” and sang part of “Baby Shark.”

“Now how many votes did I win?”

“I think you lost some.”

After the debate, supporters of both candidates presented their spins for the interplanetary press.

“Nabeela Syed nailed it,” said Representative Raja Krishnamoorthi. “Future leaders like her are inspiring my campaign for Senate.”

“House,” said his wife, Priya Krishnamoorthi.”

“House. Sorry. I’m getting ahead of myself.”

Senator Dick Durbin said: “Chelsea will kick this state’s addiction to politics as usual.  Wait a minute, I think I have the wrong sheet.”

Lisa Z. Parker, spokesperson for Sherman UFO Base’s unions, said she was pleased with the debate, but there were no plans for an endorsement:

“Both are good candidates and would support Sherman UFO Base. We’ll let our members decide which candidate is right for them.” She then added:. “If Rob Sherman were alive today, I’m sure he would have filed a frivolous lawsuit to restrict Nabeela from entering the base because she wears a headscarf. I’m happy to say that we’ve come a long way, baby.”

Also in the Babbler:

Alien arrested for displaying blaster at Lions Carnival
Elon Musk to visit Clow UFO Base
Mayor Mary diverts covert funds to lower garbage fee
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/4/22

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is available for preorder. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Bolingbrook bunnies attack Aurora mayor Richard Irvin (Fiction)

A rabbit gang attacked Aurora mayor and Republican gubernatorial candidate Richard Irvin while he was recording political ads in Bolingbrook. Irvin was rescued by Animal Control’s Rabbit Response Team and treated for minor bites and scratches, and given a rabies shot.

According to eyewitnesses, as Irvin recited these lines, “You know what the Left hates more than Republicans? The black friends of Republicans! I want to be your black friend,” a herd of rabbits stopped to watch. For the next commercial, Irvin pointed a green prop gun at a remote-controlled camera. He recited the lines: “Some people say J.B. Pritzker has access to a space laser. Well, I prefer to practice my Second Amendment rights up close and personal.” Irvin pulled the trigger and the prop gun made a pop sound. The rabbits then charged Irvin and the crew.

“I think it was just a misunderstanding,” said Juliana, who asked that we not use her last name. “The poor abandoned bunnies thought Richard wanted to be their friend. They probably felt betrayed when he set off his cap gun. That’s why they attacked him.”

Joe, another eyewitness also witnessed the attack. He said: “Let’s just say I will never look at Monty Python and the Holy Grail the same way again.”

The Rabbit Response Team caught five rabbits and chased away the rest. The captured rabbits will be sent to a rescue organization to domesticate them.

“This is what happens when you don’t properly care for your rabbit,” said an officer who asked not to be named. “Too many residents adopt and then abandon their rabbits. These once innocent creatures have no choice but to join gangs in order to survive. They started out raiding gardens, but now they’ve moved on to attacking humans. For the love of God, if you’re not willing to fulfill a rabbit’s special needs, don’t adopt one! They can be loving pets with the right caretakers.”

When reached for comment, Irvin confirmed the attack and said he was okay:  “I want to thank the staff of Barber’s Corners Media for their professionalism during a crisis. Things have gotten so bad in Illinois under Pritzker and Madigan that rabbits are hunting humans! Those two make me angry, just like the idiots in my party who want to ban abortion. We can’t tell people it’s okay to spread a deadly airborne disease then say we’re pro-life. And while you’re here, tell Pritzker that I prosecuted criminals before I defended them! So I know criminals, and Trump is the biggest criminal I know. He’s worse than all the Illinois democrats combined!”

“You can’t say that!” someone in the background yelled.

“Chill out,” Irvin replied. “I’m just talking to the Babbler. No one believes them.”

A spokesperson for Barber’s Corners Media would neither confirm nor deny they were working with Irvin.

In the background, Covert Social Media Operative Charlene Spencer sat conversing at a desk with Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta:

“I told you my friend at Miblart makes great covers.”

“You are too kind,” said a man on a video call.

Alexander-Basta said, “We’ll need it soon because I want the Village to publish its fantasy novel before that Babbler staffer does. There are no rifts in Bolingbrook.”

“I won’t argue,” Spencer replied. “Here’s your invoice.”

“Wow! I can’t believe it. What’s the catch?”

The sound of gunfire could be heard in the background. The man ducked, followed by the sound of an explosion that shook the camera. The man returned to his seat and adjusted the camera.

“Sorry about that. So any free changes you want to make?”

Spencer replied, “Could you add a blue tint to this part?”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook will not recognize Christopher Hitchens’s birthday as a holiday
AI announces candidacy for Will County Board against Jackie Traynere
Trumpanati cancels convention at the Bolingbrook Golf Club
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/20/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My new novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is coming out soon. Pathways to Bolingbrook: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story is free and available now. For book updates, sign up for my newsletter.

We get letters. (Unfortunately) April 2022 edition (Fiction)

By Doug Fields
Reader’s Editor

(Out of character: Unless stated otherwise, these are not real letters.)

Sometimes I’m proud to say that I edit the Babbler’s letters to the editor. This is not one of those times. Maybe it’s all the readers with COVID dementia, or maybe the past five years have brought out the worst in us. No difference. These letters make me question the future of humanity. Judge for yourself.

While most Bolingbrook residents stand with the Ukrainian people against the Russian invasion, this reader just has to be special:

To the Editor:

The New York Times says Ukraine doesn’t have a Nazi problem. This is the same newspaper that published a Hitler editorial in 1941! Therefore Vladimir Putin is right. Let’s stop punishing Russia and start supporting Putin’s special military operation to rid the world of Nazis once and for all!

Julie X. Weimar
Bolingbrook, IL

Someone better warn Malcolm Nance before it’s too late.

Our descent into the abyss continues with this letter. This reader doesn’t know that Bolingbrook isn’t in the Sixth Congressional District. Then again, incumbent Congressional Representative Marie Newman doesn’t live there either. 

To the Editor:

Days ago, Fake IL06 representative Sean Casten said the public was going to “level” Rep. Marie Newman and insurrectionist President Trump was still free. Yet the so-called ethics committee is investigating Newman instead of those two. How outrageous!.

Don’t let the media confuse you. Newman is running on the Green New Deal and Medicare for All. That’s all you need to know. Oh, and she’s not afraid to vote against Israel! 

Newman shouldn’t be forced to violate her crypto agreement and she shouldn’t be stopped from investing in America. She shouldn’t be stopped period. Don’t let anyone tell you to think about it. Just vote for Newman and she’ll do the rest!

Bill Z. Blankenship
Downers Grove, IL

I’m not sorry to say that anyone who invested in cryptocurrencies shouldn’t be considered an environmentalist. 

Locally, this next resident wants a certain book banned. 

To the Editor:

We must prevent the most woke novel in history from reaching Bolingbrook! The Rift promises to be a story about aliens and monsters set in our fine village. Don’t be fooled! It has trans people and feminists in it! The author says it’s not marketed to children, but why does it have a gay magician in it? It also has suspicious references to elevators…

We must do everything in our power to stop the woke mob from canceling us by banning this book! Our freedom depends on it! Scream about it at every government meeting. Don’t worry about what to say. Have faith that God will put the right words in your mouth.

Jill “I have a gun and that’s all you need to know,”
Bolingbrook, IL

The novel mentioned is The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, written by our webmaster. Let me assure you it is not pornographic, and probably will tick off a certain slimy part of the atheist community.

Now, this next resident is taking the suburban cancel culture scare to its logical conclusion:

To the Editor:

You know, there are so many positive things going on in Bolingbrook, like the opening of Eiffel Waffle. But there are too many “critical” distractions that are dividing our wonderful community, e.g. things like Critical Race Theory, Gender Critical Feminism, and scientific criticism. 

The solution to this critical problem is simple: We must ban critical thinking in Bolingbrook. Instead of arguing over garbage toters, golf clubs, and COVID restrictions, we should shut out the negativity, and just enjoy all the fine businesses in Bolingbrook. Free your mind, and just follow the wonderful thought leaders who make our village first! In the First Party, we trust!

Marcus T. Fish
Bolingbrook, IL

I enjoy thinking for myself, while being grounded in the real world, thank you very much. People who want to think for you shouldn’t. 

Maybe next time I’ll be able to feature letters that don’t fill me with despair.

Also in the Babbler:

Russia threatens heatwave and snowstorms this weekend
Downstate judge threatens to declare atheism unconstitutional
Governor Pritzker buys UFO display ads attacking Mayor Irvin
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/21/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My new novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is coming out soon. Pathways to Bolingbrook: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story is free and available now. For book updates, sign up for my newsletter.

New World Order conspires to force a primary between Rep. Casten and Rep. Newman (Fiction)

Will Rep. Sean Casten be denied another term by the Illuminati?

The New World order claimed responsibility for Illinois’ current Congressional redistricting plan that forces Democratic Representatives Sean Casten and Marie Newman into the same district.

Z1, the NWO’s newest Illinois administrator, spoke during a presentation in Lisle:  “This gerrymandering plan will demolish the Illuminati’s plans to destroy the United States’ democracy. We will take out at least one Illuminati aligned Republican, and possibly take out Illuminati Congresswoman Newman with the foolishly neutral Congressman Casten at the same time!  Sean chose not to take sides in the great war for the fate of human civilization. Sean, when you stand in the middle of a battlefield, both sides will shoot at you!”

Z1 then announced that former Representative Dan Lipinski will be the NWO’s candidate for the proposed Sixth Congressional District.

“Flip the Sixth back to me!” said Lipinski.  “I am honored that Z1 has selected me to restore America as the country that will rule the world.  I’m glad that the NWO will support my efforts to rescue my Congressional seat from that woman.  The Democratic party doesn’t need so-called progressive leaders.  It needs leaders who are willing to reject (Homophobic term deleted) privileges, ban Abortion, and make health care unaffordable again!”

The Illuminati and New World Order have been at war since 2016 when Illuminati forces launched a surprise attack following the election of President Donald Trump.  The Illuminati seized, and continues to control, most of Earth’s UFO Bases.  In Illinois, the Illuminati control Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, while the NWO hold Rochelle’s Hub 35, Peotone UFO Base, and Rob Sherman UFO Base in Palatine.  

While most Democratic politicians align with the New World order, there are exceptions.  Republican Rep. Adam Kinzinger is a member of the New World Order.  Newman, like The Squad, is a member of the Illuminati.  Newman, however, has spoken out against the Illuminati’s efforts to spread global chaos.  She shares The Squad’s desire to turn the Illuminati into a “disruptive force working for the good of all humanity.”

Casten, a former employee at Clow, has always maintained his neutrality, and has advocated for reducing the role that all secret societies have in managing Earth’s UFO Bases.  Since his election in 2018, he has asked both the Illuminati and NWO to use their influence to combat global warming.

The Illuminati released a statement saying they were not worried about the NWO’s redistricting plan:

“The Illinois Democratic Party and their NWO masters are just rearranging chairs on a sinking ship.  Our Republican operatives will soon control the elections in the rest of the country.  Democracy will fall, and Illinois will be isolated.  In four years, the leaders of Illinois will have to face reality.  They can either surrender, or beg Canada to annex the Chicago area.”

Casten, Lipinski, and Newman couldn’t be reached for comment.

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens allowed to go trick or treating in Bolingbrook
Trump announces his own secret society: The Trumpinati
Mayor Lightfoot threatens to hire weredogs to replace unvaccinated cops
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/31/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Aliens release Rep. Adam Kinzinger at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Aliens abducted controversial Republican Representative Adam Kinzinger then released him at Clow UFO Base an hour later.

“Seriously,” Kinzinger said during a press conference with members of the interstellar media.  “Can this year get any worse for me?”

According to Kinzinger, he boarded a UFO at the Pentagon’s secret UFO hanger.  He thought it was his chartered flight to Rochelle, IL’s Hub 35 UFO Base.  Once the craft took off, the aliens announced he was their prisoner and flew into Clow’s airspace.  The aliens offered to sell Kinzinger, who is a member of the New World Order, to the Illuminati, which controls Clow.

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta told reporters that she had no intention of paying for Kinzinger.  After consulting with the Illuminati’s regional leadership, Alexander-Basta made a counteroffer:

“I told the crew that under my leadership, Bolingbrook is now a positive community.  Kidnapping goes against our policy of positivity.  So I gave them a choice:  They could contribute to Bolingbrook’s positive energy by releasing Adam, or I could order the cloaked intercepters surrounding their craft to attack, and everyone on board would positively be killed.  They choose wisely.”

After Kinzinger thanked Alexander-Basta, she replied.  “Don’t be too thankful.  The Illuminati has special plans for you, so we don’t want you dead yet.”

Kinzinger rolled his eyes, then accused the Illuminati of destroying the Republican party:

“Just because I’m a member of the New World Order, does not mean I am a RINO (Republican in Name  Only).  I oppose abortion.  I oppose gay rights, I oppose voting rights, and I voted with Trump 90% of the time.  But I draw the line at insurrections!  We should work within the system to dismantle democracy, just like Dick Chaney did as Vice-President.  I don’t want to dismantle our great country and sell it off to the billionaires.  I want a strong national government that will protect the interests of the 1%.  We cannot let hate divide us.  Instead, we must use our hatred of the rest of the world to unite us and ensure US Global domination until God decides to take the chosen few to Heaven.  I call upon all Americans to pray for God’s blessing, and to hurry up and send Steve Bannon to hell already!”

Kinzinger then said he was looking forward to next year:

“I may publicly complain about the Illinois Democratic Party, but we actually have two things in common.  We both hate Trump, and we both want (Rep. Marie Newman) removed from office.  If I survive my primary election, I will fight to remove that Illuminati Congresswoman just as hard as I am fighting to remove Donald Trump from the ballot forever!”

“I don’t know about that,” Alexander-Basta replied.  “Let’s just say the 2022 election will be the least of your problems.”

When reached for further comment, Alexander-Basta denied meeting with Kinzinger and denied the existence of Clow UFO Base:

“Why don’t you write about all the good things that are happening in the Brook?  Like, we might be getting a new bakery?”

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said: “Yeah.  And we might also be invaded by the Will County Young Republicans.  And we might be killed by a meteorite.  And we might get a giant (Governor JB Pritzker) statue.  And we might also get the next COVID variant.  And we—“

“Get out or I will scrub the negativity from your mouth!”

Also in the Babbler:

Grim Reaper spotted in Palatine’s Chicago Culinary Kitchen restaurant
Asteroid Belt’s residents protest the launch of NASA’s Lucy probe
Trustee Carpanzano denies he’s forming  ‘Citizens Against Elections’ PAC
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/25/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.