Web Exclusive: ‘Where’s my (expletive deleted) coup?’: A Babbler post-election special report (Fiction)

The following stories are from our team of reporters covering the 2018 mid-term elections:

Illuminati forsakes Mayor Roger Claar

When the Illuminati’s expected coup didn’t happen on election night, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar called the Illuminati’s Inner Circle during his watch party.

“Where’s my (expletive deleted) coup?” Claar yelled.  “You promised me a coup, and I promised Alyssia Benford she would be appointed to the emergency Illinois legislature!  What do you mean you canceled it?”

According to sources within the Illuminati, the Inner Circle canceled their coup plans due to resistance from the New World Order, and the belief that they could create more chaos with a Democratic-controlled House and a Republican-controlled Senate.

“We like Roger,” said an Illuminati leader who asked remain anonymous.  “He did give us Clow UFO Base.  However, we’re not in the business of rewarding our allies.  We’re in the business of creating global chaos that we can exploit.  The voters in the United States presented us with an opportunity, and we decided to exploit it.”

Other Illuminati leaders agreed and added that they were delighted with Benford’s efforts to disrupt the DuPage Township.

“She does have a future in the Illuminati,” said another anonymous leader.  “Maybe after she finishes destroying the Township we can find a new opportunity for her.  As for Roger, we think this election will provide him with plenty of opportunities to slam Democrats.  He should be happy that he can now attack the County Clerk, Treasurer, and Sheriff as well as Commissioner Jackie Traynere.”

Benford refused to be interviewed unless she wrote the article.  The Babbler rejected her request.

This reporter also heard one of Claar’s allies offer a solution to the Republican’s losses in Will County:

“The Republicans have held the Clerk’s office for 80 years.  Therefore we still hold the office and (County Clerk-elect Lauren Staley-Ferry) is trying to steal it—”

“Shut-up!” snapped Claar.  “And learn about the Genetic Fallacy!

Aliens celebrate Sean Casten’s US House victory

by Reporter X

Sounds of joy filled Clow UFO Base’s stadium as Sean Casten, a former employee, defeated Rep. Peter Roskam in the Illinois Sixth Congressional Race.  

“I remember when Sean was a quiet biochemist,” said Xop Logot from Komat Empire.  “Now he’s an outgoing leader of humans.  He’s come a long way.  Now I hope he can save Earth from runaway global warming.”

Casten later addressed the aliens via teleconference:  “I hope my victory shows the Interstellar Commonwealth that there are good people on this planet who want to fight for the future of our species.  I didn’t run for Congress just so I could hang out with all of you.  I ran so I could fix our country’s problems, and help humanity become worthy of full membership.  My work has just started.”

Casten then led the aliens in singing “Thunder Road” by Bruce Springsteen.

A spokesperson for Roskam said he was unavailable for comment.

In the background, a man who sounded like Roskam cried: “Map!  My beautiful gerrymandered map.  I loved you, and you betrayed me!  Holly whatshername seduced you, didn’t she?”

Naperville Police prevent Election Day Riots

Sources within the Naperville Police Department say that they turned around buses filled with alleged  Brookes Brothers rioters.”

“We know the DuPage Election Commission stinks,” said an officer who asked that we not use her name.  “The last thing we need is a bunch of rich men from out of state invading our county.”

Organizers of the bus insisted that they weren’t rioters but were “aggressive poll watchers” who couldn’t believe that Lauren Underwood had a chance to win the election.

“I told them we would find out tonight,” said the officer.  “But rioting wasn’t going to help.  Turns out she won fair and square.  It’s weird that all of Naperville’s Congressional representatives are Democrats.  I guess that’s what the voters want.”

A spokesperson for Underwood pointed out that Underwood grew up in Naperville and denounced the rioter assumptions.  “We’re Naperville.  We have a reputation to uphold, and Lauren is part of that reputation!”

Note:  This is a work of fiction.

Web Exclusive: Former atheist activist David Silverman to open ‘Transformative Humanist Center’ in Bolingbrook Commons (Fiction)

David Silverman, former president of the American Atheists, will open a “Transformative Humanist Center” in Bolingbrook.  Opening in Bolingbrook Commons early next year, the center promises to be a “moderating force” in the village.

File photo of “Transformative Humanist” David Silverman by BDEngler.

“Bolingbrook is a divided community,” said Sally Z. Carter, the director of the Bolingbrook Center.  “Some residents support the mayor.  Some residents oppose the mayor.  This arguing is pointless.  We need to focus on what is really harming our community: Religion.  Humanist.com, I mean Transformative Humanism, will bring the village together.  We’re already doing a great job!”

Though the village filed a lawsuit to keep Liberty Temple out of Bolingbrook Commons, Carter does not foresee any problems with Mayor Roger Claar approving the Center:  “We are the top of the horseshoe!  We are opposed to those who want to impose peaceful ethnic cleansing of Bolingbrook’s residents, and to those who want to force residents to live under the rule of Social Justice.  We are militant defenders of the status quo, and, in Bolingbrook, Roger Claar and his Bolingbrook First party, are the status quo.  Once Bolingbrook is united, we can work together to reduce the number of places of worship infesting our village.”

Carter refused to talk about Silverman’s firing from American Atheists, or who hired him to be the director of Transformative Humanism:  “The first 100 people who register for our reasonably priced classes on humanist forgiveness will receive a signed copy of Fighting God.  Belief in God is the real enemy of Bolingbrook.”

A receptionist for Mayor Roger Claar said he was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.  In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Charlene, did you send a fake text to (DuPage Township Trustee Ken Burgess) about a parade volunteer?”

“I can’t recall.  Can you be more specific?”

“The text that has sent DuPage Township spinning further into chaos and endangered my candidate for state representative?”

“Maybe, or maybe the allegation is true.  Either way, it just goes to show why we should abolish Illinois township governments.  My client, Governor Bruce Rauner, would be happy to educate you.”

“No.  Just try not to spread so much chaos in my village.  Can you do that?”

“I can limit the amount of chaos I will unleash upon the village.”

“Thank you.  You are still on my side, right?”

“Yes.”

A receptionist for Silverman said he was on a phone call, and could not be disturbed: “Humanist.com, I mean Transformative Humanism, will reveal our plans when we are ready to.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Silverman, said: “You linked to my web page.  You know how angry your followers are.  That was cruel.  I had to take down most of the pages just to protect myself.  Seriously?  PZ, let me tell you that I have been out of the public spotlight for more than seven weeks.  That should count for something.  How dare you call it that.  It was just a surprise session of S and M.  Don’t you like surprises?  You’re no fun.  No, you need to see the big picture.  I’ve seen the future.  It’s only a matter of time before the militant centrists in government stage their coup against Trump and turn power over to the Intellectual Dark Web.  When that happens, you’ll be sent to a philosophy camp, and I’ll be the toast of Washington D.C.  Of course, I can protect your fellow bloggers and you from this fate.  All you have to do is shut up and give me your money.  Hello?”

Web Exclusive: Androids and werecats clash during the IL06 Congressional campaign (Fiction)

Are werecats in the Illinois Sixth Congressional District supporting Democratic candidate Sean Casten?  Does Republican incumbent Peter Roskam have a small army of androids? Some constituents say yes.

File photo of a suspected werecat.

Christine, who asked that we not use her last name or her hometown, said androids placed a Roskam sign on her front yard:  “I told them there must have been some kind of mistake.  I said I wasn’t a Roskam supporter.  Guns popped out from the back of one them.  It aimed them at me and said, ‘Now you are.’”

Christine called the Roskam campaign. After objecting five times, a human staffer took the sign away.

“He said I couldn’t tell the fake news about this.  Well, the Babbler is real news, so I don’t think he meant to exclude you guys.”

Peter, who lives in Barrington, claims he saw a werecat supporter of Casten.  According to Peter, the werecat peed on his Casten yard sign.  When Peter complained, the werecat changed into a human:  “After I got over my shock, she said, ‘Don’t worry.  I’m just marking the sign so Roskam’s machines won’t bother it.’  She talked about how much she loved Sean and that she was finally glad that an independent thinking scientist and businessman was running for Congress.  Then she said Peter believes the voters of his district are pack animals, and the werecats were going to let their voices be heard during this election.  If Sean can inspire werecats to support him, imagine what he can inspire our Congress to do?”

Julie, a resident of Elgin, claims to have seen werecats and androids while driving late at night:  “I saw these giant half human, half cat, creatures running beside a truck with robots attacking them. It turns out the truck had Casten yard signs, and the robots were trying to destroy the signs.  I swear I recorded it on my phone, but the video vanished when I tried to upload it to YouTube.  Maybe this is why there are so few Bigfoot and UFO videos online.  YouTube is secretly banning the real videos!”

A volunteer for the Roskam campaign denied that Roskam had an army of androids:  “That’s not true.  Let me get my notes.  I think there’s a special list of talking points for your paper.  I can’t just call you ‘fake news.’”

In the background, a man who sounded like Roskam said: “So while Sean was trying to bore me to death, I looked at his file.  His donation record was pitiful.  He honestly expected me to listen to his lecture for free.  So I walked out of the meeting.”

“How rude,” said another man.

“Yes.  He doesn’t even know the right way to shuffle notes during a debate.  Anyway, who are you representing today?”

“Today I am representing the Society of Recovery Audit Contractors.  Every day we protect Medicare from orthotists and prosthetists who want to be paid for their devices.”

“They’re cutting Medicare for me.  I like your client already.”

“I also brought you a gift worth less than $5.”

“Which you wrapped in money!  Impressive.”

A receptionist for the Casten campaign denied that werecats were helping the campaign:  “Not true, and Sean is in a meeting.  You can’t talk to him.”

In the background, a man who sounded like State House Speaker Michael Madigan said: “You didn’t ask for my permission to run, now you want my help?”

A man who sounded like Casten said, “I’m running for Congress, not the state house.  I don’t need your permission to run.  You’re welcome to help me if you want, but you don’t have to and I’m not asking for your help.”

“Damnit!  That’s not how this works.  Let me ask you again.  Why should I support you?  I’m tempted to endorse Peter Roskam because his tax plan imposes a federal tax on Illinois taxes.  That’s genius!  So give me some good reasons why I should support you instead?”

“You should support me because I won the Democratic Primary.”

“Not good enough.”

“Fine.  Some scientists say we are dangerously close to the Earth becoming a hothouse.  I will fight to prevent that.  Peter Roskam won’t.”

“So?”

“So it means our environment won’t be able to sustain our economy and our civilization.  It means no more Chicago, no more Cook County Democratic Party, no more Illinois Democrat party, no more Illinois, and an end to your political dynasty.  I won’t play your games, but I will fight to create a sustainable environment where Lisa’s grandchildren have the opportunity to continue your legacy.  I think Peter Roskam wants to destroy the environment to spite you and to win Donald Trump’s favor.”

After several seconds of silence, someone dialed a phone number.  The man who sounded like Michael Madigan said, “Release the endorsement flyers.”

Rep. Bill Foster leads delegation to meet with Clow UFO Base’s occupiers (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Congressman Bill Foster lead a small delegation to meet with the aliens who seized Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

Congressman Bill Foster

“This should have been resolved back in July,” said Foster after the meeting. “A certain mayor should have tried negotiating with occupiers before asking Trump to send in Space Force Marines.  Anyway, now I’m convinced that this will be over in a matter of days.”

State Representative Natalie Manley also believed the occupiers would soon surrender Clow UFO Base:  “I know that many beings around the galaxy are concerned about the events on Earth.  I appreciate their support as I, and other Democrats, try to fix the state and the country.  Taking over Clow UFO Base doesn’t help our efforts—  It hurts us.  I explained that the occupation will be used by Melania Trump and Roger Claar as an excuse for violence.  I don’t want the massacre at Area 51 to be repeated at Clow.”

Lauren Staley-Ferry, Will County Board member, said she reminded the occupiers that they were currently delinquent on their county tax bill: “I did a terrible thing once, and some people still won’t let it go.  No matter how many times I say I’m sorry, or no matter how respected I am at my current job, they will keep bringing it up.  I told the occupiers that if they didn’t surrender Clow UFO Base and pay their taxes now, the Illuminati would never forgive them!  They would end up being unfairly judged for this incident for the rest of their lives.  I think I got through to them. Anyway, I should be the next county clerk since I’ve demonstrated during my time on the board that I’m committed first and foremost to the interests of Will County residents.”

When asked why Mayor Roger Claar, or any trustees, weren’t part of the delegation, Foster said: “Roger and the Illuminati have caused enough damage already.”  He added that he did consult with opposition trustee Robert Jaskiewicz.

Foster also claimed to have consulted with former Clow UFO Base employee, and current Congressional candidate, Sean Casten:  “I talked with him for a few minutes, then canvassed for him on the way to Clow.  We could use someone like him in Congress.  Can you believe (Representative Peter Roskam) doesn’t believe in UFOs and won’t attend meetings about interstellar affairs?  Sean’s experience at Clow UFO Base will only help US-interstellar relations.”

Claar and Roskam could not be reached for comment.

A volunteer at Casten’s campaign denied the candidate ever worked at Clow: “Sean is a scientist.  He doesn’t have time for your nonsense.  Bolingbrook isn’t even in the Sixth District.  Anyway, we at the Downers Grove Destroyer office know not to waste Sean’s time with you guys.  I just warned the Elgin Escort, the Barrington Battleship, and the Wheaton Warship offices about you guys as well.  Hey!  Do we have a nickname for the West Chicago office?”

In the background, a man said: “My daughter says you want to let thirteen-year-olds drive.  Is that true?”

“You tell him Sean!”  said a young woman.

“No,” said a man who sounded like Casten.  “What I actually said is that if a minor commits a crime with a gun, the parents should be held accountable.  Just like if my thirteen-year-old daughter stole my car and had an accident.  I would be held accountable for that.  Of course, she would never steal my car.  It was just an example I used at a small gathering.”

“You suck!”  said the young woman.  “I thought you were awesome, but you’re just as uncool as my dad.”

“You just earned my vote, Sean.”

Also in the Babbler:

Happy Rosh Hashanah
Palatine residents fall ill as New World Order tests new UFO tracking system.
Bolingbrook United denies it will nominate a Satanist for Library Board
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/11/18

Illuminati covert audit finds no evidence DuPage Township illegally funded interstellar charities (Fiction)

By Reporter X

A covert team of Illuminati auditors found no evidence that the DuPage Township fraudulently spent millions of interstellar credits on donations to interstellar charities.  During a conference announcing their findings, they also accused DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford of wasting their time.

“We risked our lives by breaking into Clow UFO Base for our forensic audit,” said Milton, the leader of the auditing team.  “We were able to reconcile the finance records inside Clow with copies kept at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.  We’ve come to the conclusion that Trustee Benford has no idea what she’s talking about, and has a militant desire to talk about it.  She owes us a half-million credits for wasting our time— but we will accept an apology.”

Benford refused to apologize.  “I’m saddened to see that once again our township has hired incompetent forensic auditors.  The firm that audited our public funds found trivial errors, but couldn’t discover the thousands of dollars I know are missing!  This firm is worse.  I don’t think it is a coincidence.  I think the corrupt Chicago political machine has touched our fine county and our fine galaxy.  I can’t wait to become a State Representative so I can rage against the machine and spread chaos to all of Illinois.”

Mayor Roger Claar, who is also a high ranking Illuminati official, was not pleased.  “Alyssia, I told you not to spread chaos in my village, and you didn’t listen to me!  You’re supposed to spread chaos to the rest of the state—  Not here!”

“We’re spreading chaos everywhere!” said Trustee Dennis Raga.  “We’re Illuminati Knights of Chaos!  We’re going to bring down the New World Order with booze!  Boobs!  EDM!  Booze!  Booze!  EDM! Boobs—”

“Shut up!” interrupted Claar.  “I’m going to give both of you an opportunity think about what you’ve done.  This weekend, both of you will be canvassing for 16th Congressional Candidate Sara Dady!”

“She’s the Democrat Party candidate,” gasped Benford.

“Yes, and I expect both of you to do a good job of canvassing for her.  I thought of worse punishments, but this is appropriate for your actions.  Don’t prove me wrong!”

Both trustees cried then agreed to canvass for Dady.

Benford and Raga could not be reached for comment.

A receptionist for Claar said he was out of the office and had visitors waiting for him.

In the background, a woman who sounded like advisor Charlene Spencer seemed to be role-playing different characters: “‘Alyssia asked for a flyer from the Bolingbrook Rotary Club.  Then she gave them taxpayer money without approval from the board.  This proves she’s corrupt!’  ‘That’s a vicious attack against the only honest township trustee.  It took her seven years to discover that the Township staff is incompetent.  We should reward her with a higher political office.’  ‘Guys!  Left or Right, I think we can all agree that townships are hopelessly corrupt and should be abolished.’”

A man cleared his throat.

“Oh, hi Bob!”

“Charlene, are you playing with your fake Facebook accounts like they’re action figures?”

“I’m not playing.  I’m helping my client’s campaign to destroy all townships in Illinois.”

“I understand, but do you really have to use your sock puppets to smear anyone working for a township?  There are some decent people working in these townships, and I don’t think they deserve your unethical attacks.  Speaking of which, did you really need to attack me in your last post?”

“Attacked?  Bob, if you think I’m attacking you now, just wait until next year.  Igor and I have someone very special planned for your slate of candidates.”

Also in the Babbler:

Representative Roskam compares Sean Casten to Donald Trump
Aliens drove Bolingbrook Porkchop out of business, says the owner
Mayor Claar bans Gunkata classes in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/7/18

Web Exclusive: Rep. Peter Roskam to ignite a ‘bonfire of pants’ on Facebook (Fiction)

Representative Peter Roskam’s campaign is undeterred by one of their Facebook ads getting a “Pants on Fire” rating by Politifact Illinois.

Picture of congressional candidate Sean Casten with a sports car in the background. The text says "Sean Casten drives a car! Peter Roskam runs. Paid for by Roskam for Congress"

A web ad allegedly produced by Rep. Peter Roskam’s campaign. 

“We’re going to lite a bonfire of burning pants on Facebook!” said a campaign staffer who asked to be called Bobby.  “We won’t stop there!  We’re already flooding the Internet with web ads!  We added a new Twitter account.  We’re going to say and show anything and everything to burn down Sean Casten!

“You’re supposed to say, ‘Sleazy Casten.’”  said another staffer.

“I thought that was next week?”

“Next week is ‘Cheating Casten.’  This weak is ‘Sleazy.’”

“What’s two weeks from now?”

“Car-driving Casten.”

Flush with money from political action committees and support from the Congressional Leadership Fund, the Roskam campaign is aggressively attacking Casten.  The Cook Report rates the race a tossup, and Bobby says they are working hard to change that.

“We gave Sean a big tax cut, and this is how he thanks Peter?  No, he deserves everything we’re going to throw at him.”

When asked if the campaign would be fact-checking their ads moving forward, Bobby replied: “(Rudy Giuliani) says the truth isn’t always true.  Are you going to argue with America’s Mayor?”

Charlene Spencer, an employee at Bolingbrook’s Barber’s Corner Media, says her company will be producing the next round of Facebook ads for the Roskam campaign.  She doubts any of the ads will get a “pants on fire” rating:  “I designed the ‘Casten kisses a married woman every night ad.’  I’m sure he does kiss his wife every night.  If people draw a different conclusion, then the problem is in how he presents himself—  Not with the ad itself.”

When asked about the “Casten spends time with two younger women” ad, Spencer replied, “His daughters are younger than him.  The most the media can do is ding me with a ‘mostly true’ rating.  It’s amazing what you can create when you don’t let ethics and morality get in the way.”

Roskam invited this reporter to his West Chicago office to discuss his “pants on fire” ranking.  He spent most of the interview decrying “fake news.”:

“As I said in our only debate, don’t believe everything you read.  I mean look at my pants.  Do they look burned?  Do you see any patches?  Do you see any repairs?  I did not set my pants on fire, and that is why the real residents of the Sixth District don’t believe the news. The fake news wants you to think that I am so unpopular, I have to attack Sean.  I don’t have to have to attack him.  I want to attack him on behalf of all the real residents of the Sixth District.”

A Congressional staff member opened his door:  “Holly just finished her question about health care.”

“Excuse me.  I have to deal with my teleconference town hall.”

Roskam picked up the phone and pressed a button:  “Thank you for sharing your story, Johanna.  I’m sure many people here were moved by your words.  Health care issues are the reason I love being a congressman, and I will keep writing legislation until Congress gets it right.  Thank you for taking the time to participate in this town hall.  I think we have another question.”

Roskam pressed a button and put down the headset.

“Now where were we?”

Web Exclusive: Mayor Claar punishes Illuminati operative following Casten/Roskam debate (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar punished an Illuminati operative for incompetence following the Illinois Sixth Congressional Debate.  

Rep. Peter Roskam (Left) and Sean Casten (Right) during their first televised debate on Fox 32 in Chicago.

According to a transcript obtained by the Babbler, the operative was supposed to plant a device in Rep. Peter Roskam’s podium to calm him, and another in Sean Casten’s podium to make him angry and agitated.  The operative mixed up the podiums.

“I thought they were going to seat Sean Casten stage left, and Roskam stage right,” protested the operative.  She added, “I probably should have known that Fox would put the Republican stage left to get more attention from the viewers.  Still, it was a simple mistake.”

Claar, who has been a leader in the Illuminati since 2016, replied, “Your ‘simple mistake’ may have cost us a useful stooge in Congress.  Peter has done so much to tear down our government.  We needed him to look like a calm leader and Casten to look like a panicked frat boy.  Do you know how much it will cost us to flood the Sixth District with subliminal ads to make up for what you did?  I’ve already invested $2000 in the Roskam campaign.  Now I’ll have to invest more.  Are you really a New World Order double agent?”

In the transcript, she knelt before Claar and begged for forgiveness.  Claar said he could have her executed, but he would show her mercy.  He ordered her to drive the “Gauntlet of Boredom” and not to return until she completed 100 laps.  

Sources within the Chicagoland Illuminati say the operative was last seen driving towards the construction site at Weber Road and trying to get on to I-55.

When called for a comment, Claar replied: “Do you know how happy I am that I raised over $300,000  last quarter?  Happy enough to play along with one of your interviews.  Let’s see, is it about Bigfoot porn?  Oh my God!  Who are you and what are you doing in my yard?”

A young man replied: “I’m with the Congressional Leadership Fund.  Oops.  I mean the Roskam campaign.  I’m putting up this free yard sign for you.”

“I don’t live in his district, and a yard sign here doesn’t help him. Don’t you know the boundaries of the Sixth district?”

“I don’t care.  They just pay me, and right now they’re paying me to put up yard signs in every donor’s yard.”

“Do you know what happened the last time someone tried to decorate my home without my permission?”

A staffer at Casten’s Barrington’s campaign headquarters refused to comment about the Illuminati:  “Fake stories don’t matter.  What matters is Sean won the debate, and we’re celebrating.  The Barrington Battle Station is ready for victory in November!”  Dance music played in the background for a few seconds then suddenly stopped.

A man who sounded like Casten said, “Guys!  Gather around me.  Now, I’ve never had someone doing victory dances for me, and I’m flattered.  But its way too soon!  Peter is hurting, but he’s not finished.  There’s too much money in his Wheaton War Room to ignore.  We have to keep canvassing and calling residents.  Did you see me shaking hands with the counter-protesters following the debate?  If I can shake hands with activists who traveled 30 miles to yell at me, you can meet with the friendlier Republicans in our district.”

On a video chat, an out-of-district Republican staffer canvassing with Roskam said: “I thought I was just signing up to talk to people about Congress.  I didn’t realize I was going to work for a political campaign.  Peter is starting to scare me.  You know how upset Peter is about this election?  He stopped spending time with his maps!  Now he’s actually out talking to residents.  He says he’s talked to 20,000 residents, but this is only the fifth one I’ve heard him talk to.  I don’t think ribbon cuttings should count.  Oh my God!  You’ve got to see this.”

The camera turned to show Roskam standing on the porch of an irate resident.

“Look at this Sean Casten tweet,” said Roskam.  “It’s not true.  He deleted it rather than issuing a formal apology and dropping out of the race.  He said words matter.  This tweet shows who Sean really is!”

“Words do matter,” she replied.  “For starters, there’s no such thing as an ‘average median.’  The median income here is below $100,000.  Your plan is skewed towards constituents who make more than that.”

“Don’t believe everything you read.  You know Steve Strauss in Plainfield, right?”

“No.”

“Good.  Steve owns Fries BBQ and Grill.  He said my tax plan will allow him to give his employees a raise.  Sean wants to—  Hey!  What are you doing on your phone?”

“Using Google.”

“You’re going to trust Google over me?”

“Yes, and even if you told me the truth, overall wages have dropped since your tax bill was enacted.”

“I’m tired of this toxic environment Democrats have created.  I’m trying to be bipartisan, and they’re running candidates against me.  Didn’t you watch the debate?  Sean said abortion is just like gallbladder surgery.  Is that insane?”

“You’re not a psychologist, and I’d rather have a congressman who thinks of abortion as a medical procedure than one who would use his wife’s stillbirth to avoid talking about his past mistakes.”

“Gallbladder surgery?”

“If you had your way, miscarriages and stillbirths would lead to criminal investigations.  It was terrible what happened to both of you, but it would have been worse if the police investigated your wife for prenatal neglect and abuse after the stillbirth. Would you have liked that?”

“Don’t listen to the liberal media.  Look.  I’ve stood up to my party and earned the endorsement of the American Chemistry Council for my work protecting the environment.”

“You voted to let coal companies pollute waterways!  You’ve always said one thing, and done another by voting against it.  You give politicians a bad name.  Now get off my property and don’t touch my Casten sign.”

The woman flipped off Roskam and slammed the door.

“I am one of the most powerful men in Congress.  I am on the Ways and Means Committee. I serve the real interests of this district.  Let me keep working in Congress, goddamnit!”

Russian special forces supporting Rep. Peter Roskam’s campaign (Fiction)

Some residents of Illinois’ Sixth Congressional District claim to have seen members of Russia’s Special Operations Forces campaigning for Rep. Peter Roskam.

“I saw 20 of them parachute out of a US military cargo plane,” said Cindy, who asked that we not use her last name.  Cindy claims the operatives landed on her street in Downers Grove.  According to Cindy, they were wearing American Flag clothing, and had their faces painted to look like the US Flag:

“I asked them what they were doing.  One of them replied and had a really thick Russian accent. He said, ‘We are moderate white residents of greatest Congress District in the USA.  We love Congressman Peter Roskam because he is real strong man, like Trump.  He is why people are walking away from Democrat Party.  He give us big tax cut. You agree.’ I just backed away.”

Dave, a resident of Palatine, claims that two of the Russian operatives canvassed his neighborhood:  “I asked why they knocked on my door when I have a Sean Casten sign in my yard.  They said they were concerned and going to hold an intervention.  I slammed the door on them and locked it.  About a minute later, one of them used a shotgun to destroy my lock.  They said I suffered from Trump Derangement Syndrome and the only cure is to vote for Peter.  They also said that they would give me electroshock therapy if I didn’t vote for Peter.  You know what, Peter Roskam is such a two-faced politician that I would rather be tasered than vote for him!”

Amber, who frequently pickets in front of Roskam’s Barrington field office, said she saw six Russian operatives outside the office building.  According to her, the men were greeted by a smiling Roskam staff member.  Amber asked why Roskam was meeting with the Russians, but would never meet with her. The staffer replied:  “Just because you happen to live within the Sixth District doesn’t make you a true constituent.  These men are the embodiment of the values of the Sixth District.  These are the people who are the key to victory for the Congressman.”

Amber countered, “Is that why Peter voted to force the Justice Department to turn over all documents related to the active Mueller investigation?  Is that why he voted against increasing funding for election security?  Is Peter more loyal to the Russians than he is to America?”

An operative replied, “It is cheaper for Comrade Peter to be our friends than our enemies.”

“Yeah,” the staffer agreed.  “Peter is all about saving money for the right people.  He doesn’t care about you and the other rabble infesting his district.  As far as we’re concerned, Moscow is the best city in the district!”

A Roskam campaign staff member denied any knowledge about Russian special forces units in his district:  “I don’t know what state I’m in, or if I’m even in Chicago.  All I know is that if the Russians are helping us defeat a Democrat, then I’m thankful.  Our new friends are helping us keep the country safe for Republicans.  What is your fake news rag doing?”

A spokesperson for Casten urged all residents of the district to resist Russian voter manipulation and intimidation:  “These tactics only work if the margin of victory is small.  If every Democrat votes, we will overwhelm the Russian hackers and alleged special forces soldiers to reclaim our democracy!  The choice is clear.  You can either vote for a fiscally responsible businessman and patriot, or you can reelect Congressman Roskam!”

Also in the Babbler:

UFOs monitor Alpine Days Parade
Mayor Claar tries to avoid Republican civil war in Bolingbrook
Alien prostitutes arrested in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/25/18. 

Web Exclusive: Space Nazis canvas Illinois 3rd Congressional District for Arthur Jones (Fiction)

(Content notice:  Depictions of Nazis and racism)

Bethany, a resident of Brookfield, didn’t give a second thought when she heard the doorbell.  Looking through her peephole, she saw three men, whose bodies appeared to have been painted in white house paint, wearing white slacks and white polo shirts.

“What do you want?”  She asked.

“We are ordinary Volkswagens,” said one of the men.  “I mean Volks.  I mean people.  We are like you, only whiter.  We’re here to talk to you about the next sub-link, I mean orbiza, I mean congressman from this concentration, I mean the Third Congressional district. Arthur Jones.”

“Like all residents,” said another man, “He is a blue-blooded American.”  The man then pulled out a knife and cut himself.  Blue blood rushed out of the wound.

Bethany screamed and called 911.  She claims two Men in Blue walked up to her porch, cleaned up the blood, and told her not to tell any mainstream media outlets about what she saw.

“I guess the Babbler doesn’t count as a mainstream outlet,” she said.

Dozens of residents claim to have seen aliens canvasing the district for Jones, the Republican candidate for the district.  He is a former member of the American Nazi Party and a white supremacist.  His website and some of his flyers promote holocaust denialism.  Jones has been denounced by the Illinois Republican Party, including Governor Bruce Rauner.

Since Jones’s primary victory, space Nazis, and beings with similar beliefs, have tried to infiltrate the district and work for his campaign.

“He hasn’t raised any money on Earth,” said Joan Armstrong, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “We suspect all his campaign staff and volunteers are undocumented interstellar visitors.”

Joe, who asked that we not use his last name, also encountered what he claims was a Nazi from space.  According to Joe, he opened the door and saw a frail older man.  The man claimed he was the last surviving member of a lunar Nazi colony created by the Germans at the end of World War II.  

“I asked him why, if the Nazis had such advanced technology, they didn’t win. He said something about waiting for the right moment.  When cores of their atomic bombs expired, they still waited.  Even when they ran out of food and water, the leadership said it wasn’t the right moment.  He said Arthur Jones’s primary victory was that moment.”

Joe claims he punched the man, then called the police.  “I always wanted to punch a real Nazi.  I’ve known survivors of the Holocaust, and hitting him was the least I could do.  Of course, I could also become a member of the Skokie Holocaust Museum.  I could also forget about the mean things I said about Representative Dan Lipinski during the primary and vote for him.  Dan hates gay marriage, but he wouldn’t vote to kill us.”

Ruth, who asked that we not use her last name, believes she encountered aliens pretending to be white supremacists.  According to her, ten were on her front lawn holding Tiki Torches, and chanting, “Jews will not replace us.”  One of the alleged aliens walked up to her and said his name was Lukas.  “He said that the ‘yellow-pinkish race’ needed to stand up to the bankers living in the capital city of Elyakim.  I said I’d never heard of it.  Lukas said it was the ancient Jewish capitol.” 

Elyakim is the capitol city of one of the Interstellar Tribes of Israel.

Ruth claims that another alleged alien whispered to Lukas. Lukas then said he really meant Jerusalem and Israel.  Ruth said that she was Jewish, and thought the aliens in front of him were vile and evil.  Lukas replied they weren’t evil because they were being anti-semitic “ironically.” Ruth claims she sprayed mace at Lukas’s face, and his head melted like butter. Then the others ran off.  Headless, Lukas replied, “You ruined a perfectly good human suit.”

Armstrong said Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, at first, was able to capture most of the space Nazis that landed at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  When protesters took seized Clow UFO Base, it lost access to their anti-UFO interceptors and control of most of Bolingbrook’s anti-UFO weapons.  This, according to Armstrong, led to more alien Nazis entering the Third District to help Jones.

“We are doing our best to protect Chicagoland,” said Armstrong.  “But as long as there is hate in the galaxy, beings who want to feel superior, and leaders willing to exploit both qualities, there will always be a Nazi threat.”

In a fax to the Babbler, Jones insisted his staff was white and he couldn’t wait to fire up his oven.

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar said Claar could not comment because he was in the middle of a meeting:  “Don’t tell anyone, but Roger is meeting with a person who wants to do an invocation at the next meeting.”

In the background, a man said:  “May James Randi’s magic make this board skeptical of woo.  May the memory of Christopher Hitchens inspire the board to Hitchslap PZ Myers and his hoard of Islamist social justice warriors.  May Elizabeth Loftus teach the board to doubt their memories.  May Michael Shermer lead their thoughts to the secular promised land.  Reason.”

A man who sounded like Claar said, “I thought The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s prayers were supposed to be silly.”

“Oh, I’m not with them.  I’m a representative from the Sam Harris Dark Web.”

“That’s…all I need to know.”

Space Aliens to be evicted from Americana Estates (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Space aliens living in Bolingbrook’s Americana Estates subdivision received eviction notices from the Village of Bolingbrook.

“The village can no longer maintain the illusion that we own 46 vacant lots in an expensive subdivision,” said Joan Armstrong, a spokesperson for the Department of Interstellar Affairs.  We need to fill those lots with visible homes, and that is not consistent with housing our visitors.”  Armstrong added that Clow UFO Base will have more than enough space to house all alien visitors.

Though Clow UFO Base is currently under the control of aliens protesters, Armstrong insisted that the evictions were not a retaliatory response.

Zabz, president of the Americana Estates Interstellar Residents Association, disagreed:  “(Mayor Roger Claar) said we had to stop the protest or there would be consequences.  We have no control over the occupation.  That’s why we’re staying in our homes.  Now we have to leave.  Do you know what the penalty is for a visitor to be homeless?  Death!”

Golez, a 5-year resident, feels betrayed by Claar:  “He said he was going to move here, add android guards, and let us live here for the rest of our lives.  Everything he said was untrue!  I might have to hitchhike all the way to Hub 35 so I can get a ride home on a cargo ship.”

Sources close to opposition Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz claim he is working with the New World Order to secure homes for the displaced residents:

“I’m sure Peotone and Palatine would love to have our visitors,” said one anonymous source, who was referring to the bases that the NWO will start constructing this year.  “Honestly, Bob and I want all of our visitors to stay in Bolingbrook.  That’s not possible now.  We wouldn’t be in this mess if Roger had remained a loyal member of the NWO.  Instead, he had to join the Illuminati, and support Trump.  Now, look where we are.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was in an important meeting and could not be disturbed for a comment.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts said: “Charlene has been using the Bolingbrook STEM Association’s servers to make sock puppet accounts on Facebook.”

“I’m working on behalf of my client, Governor Rauner,” said Charlene.

“You were posting anti-Township propaganda in the Bolingbrook Politics group.”

“They’re such a waste of money and they drive up everyone’s property taxes.”

“You know I used to be a DuPage Township trustee, right?”

“I’m sorry, and now that you’re with us—”

“Charlene!” said a man who sounded like Claar.  “First of all, what is a sock puppet?”

“It’s an alternative persona.  I used several of them to persuade liberals and conservatives to unite against townships.  Let me demonstrate with this real sock puppet.  ‘I love Trump, I love corruption, and I love—’”

“I get the point,” Said the man who sounded like Claar.

“You’ve been naughty, Charlene,” said the man who sounded like Watts.  “The Bolingbrook First Party doesn’t need—”

“I got this, Sheldon.”

A few minutes later, the man who sounded like Claar said, “So you waged war against the DuPage Township?”

“Yes, and I also persuaded them to start reading Rauner’s alternative newspapers.  I explained that because there’s some truth in them, they’re just as valid as the so-called mainstream press.”

“That’s like saying because a broken clock is right twice a day, it’s just as valid as a working clock.”

“Huh?  Oh yeah.  That’s analog thinking.  I like it.”

“I guess that’s a compliment.  Anyway, they bought it?”

“Yes.”

“That’s impressive.  You’re still on my side, right?”

“Absolutely.  I’ve invested too much time and effort to back out now.”

“That’s good.  As you know, your parents made several donations to Heart Haven Outreach to pre-pay any fines I might have to impose on you.  I think it’s fair to use one, don’t you?”

“Yes.  Thank you.”

“Now, how do I get into the newspaper business?”

Also in the Babbler:

Former Representative Joe Walsh pranked by a space alien
Chicago scientists reject Michael Shermer’s application for immortality
Bolingbrook woman sees an image of James Randi at Meijer
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/18/18