By Reporter X
Clow UFO Base’s medical staff successfully revived a frozen alien days after its human suit malfunctioned during the recent arctic cold blast.
“This is why Clow is under a Nuclear Winter Level Alert,” said James Z. Clarkson, one of the staff doctors who treated the alien. “Human suits are only designed to operate in normal human environments. This week was not normal! She is lucky to be alive, and, more importantly, she’s lucky (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) is not in charge.”
Clow officials would not release the alien’s name but did say she was from Venus and her suit’s heater and pressure regulator had malfunctioned. The temperature in her suit dropped from 864 Fahrenheit to sub-zero. The doctors say she survived because her suit injected a preservative into her, and she was found in time.
“One more day and she would have been dead,” said Clarkson.
Other anonymous sources say that when she woke up, her first question was: “Did I miss the drama?” When pressed for more information, she said she has no other memory of the night she left Clow UFO Base.
Based on where her body was found, it is suspected that she was on her way to the special DuPage Township meeting happening that night.
“No government meeting is worth risking your life for,” said one of the sources. “I don’t even know if anything dramatic happened at that meeting.”
When called, a receptionist said she was busy fulfilling a FOIA request from “those annoying guys from Edgar County.”
In the background, a man said, “I finally finished my research into appointing supervisors. They were right. (Trustee Ken Burgess) needed to resign before the board could appoint him.”
“Drat!” said a woman who sounded like Township Trustee Maripat Oliver. “How could they be right, and (Former Township Supervisor William Mayer) be wrong?”
“I don’t know. You do know what they say about broken clocks?”
“Whatever. Hey, I just thought of something. These Edgar County dogs are outsiders, and they’re trying to influence the (Bolingbrook Consolidated Election) so Roger’s candidates win.”
“It’s collusion! Just like what the Russians are doing. Alyssia Benford is the puppet of outsiders, and that’s collusion, right?”
“I wouldn’t say that. There are many issues to consider.”
“But we could investigate just to be sure, right?”
“Maybe. I don’t think there are any laws against a township conducting—”
“And ban their website until the investigation is over, right?”
After a long pause, the man said, “It might be possible since the Constitution doesn’t mention Townships specifically. But your best option is to wait until I can research this—”
“My other option is to just do it, right?”
“Right, but it might not—”
“I’ll get to work on the subpoena for Jeanne Ives! She’s in on this, I know! And don’t worry, we won’t spend any general assistance funds on this.”
“Still, you might want to proceed with caution—”
“Nonsense! It’s better to seek forgiveness than to ask for permission! I’m setting the controls for the heart of the sun!”
Note: This is a work of fiction.