The organizers of the Get Paid to be Progressive conference declared the event a success, despite a New York Times article about payments to progressive influencers.
“Our attendees’ followers don’t trust the New York Times,” said an organizer, who asked to be identified as Jaden. “Nor do they follow openly Zionist influencers, or their anti-plastics friends. The establishment Democrats can’t stop our attendees from getting the compensation they’ve earned!”
The GPP convention, held in secret in the Bolingbrook Golf Club, attracted hundreds of progressive social media influencers, campaigns, and dark money groups. The convention included speakers, networking events, and seminars.
Keynote speaker Josh Greene, also known as @joshtheprogressive, urged attendees not to let their “confusion” over the lack of federal regulations and California’s social media disclosure requirements hold them back. “I’m proof that if you post content every day, slam Zionism, and have no shame in the face of Trumpism, you will be rewarded with dark money!”
Attendees were also treated to a short video featuring New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani and Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth. In the beginning, both men said they had their differences.
“For example,” said Mamdani, “I love people.”
Hegseth replied, “And I love killing people.”
Mamdani pretended to laugh, then said, “But we agree on one thing.”
Hegseth took a long sip from a tumbler.
“That’s your cue, Mr., Secretary.”
Hegseth finished sipping, then said, “Oh yeah. We believe in giving taxpayer money to influencers like you.” He squinted at the camera.
Mamdani said, “So if you want to tell your audience how great New York City is under my administration, call me.”
“Or…” Hegseth squinted for a few seconds. Then said, “Or want to collect a salary from the Department of War, give me a call.”
Mamdani shook his head. “I doubt anyone here wants to work for you.”
Hegseth reached for a dumbbell on the ground. “Don’t listen to that immigrant. If you want to collect a salary from a Woke-free agency, you’ll love working for the Department of War. My wife can tell you that I’ve gotten some of the best sleep in my office!” He grunted as he tried to lift the weight with his right hand. Despite the weight remaining on the floor, Hegseth started counting. Pentagon staffers rushed over to film him.
The convention also featured booths from various organizations, including Chorus, a dark money group with ties to the Democratic Party, and Good Influence, a marketing firm that connects clients with a pool of influencers.
Speaking to a crowd gathering in front of the Good Influence booth, Chicagoland influencer Qasim Rashid said, “Some people accuse Politics Girl and me of being hypocrites because we denounce dark money in politics, and while accepting dark money from Good Influence. To paraphrase a certain politician, dark money, in defense of democracy, isn’t a vice! It’s a virtue for my budget!”
The convention also offered workshops, including one on how to promote candidates in states you don’t reside in.
Influencer Paige Dunmeyer told attendees, “Don’t let reality hold you back. On social media, I’m simultaneously a lifelong Michigan and Wisconsin resident, while living in Kansas City. That is the power of social media, and I’m going to teach each one of you how to wield that power. For good, of course.”
During the session, an attendee from Oregon showed how he would produce a video endorsing Governor JB Pritzker for President. He took a hotdog from the catering stand and started pouring ketchup on it. He said, “As a lifelong Chicago resident, I can honestly say billionaire JB is more progressive than AOC!”
“Cut!” Dunmeyer yelled. “Even I know no true Chicagoan puts ketchup on a hot dog!”
The man replied, “Who cares?”
“Every Chicago troll on the Internet. If you want to pull off being a Chicagoan, you need to put yellow mustard, white onions, green relish, a dill pickle spear, sports peppers, and a dash of celery salt.”
The man ran to a trash can and started vomiting.
Dunmeyer shook her head. “It takes a strong stomach to do my job!”
The convention ended with influencer Kaitlyn Hennessy disrupting a speech by Morris Katz from Fight Agency. While Katz claimed credit for Mamdani’s victory and downplayed the failure of Graham Platner’s campaign, Hennessy walked towards the stage, then turned her back towards Katz. Hennessy started recording herself on her smartphone as Katz proclaimed himself the kingmaker of the Democratic party. She smirked and rolled her eyes as he talked.
When Katz paused to grab a cup of water, Hennessy, still looking at her smartphone, said, “Morris Katz is the future of the Democratic Party. If you want a post-apocalyptic future. We could lose Maine because of your sloppy background checks and indifference towards SA.” Hennessy then accused attendees of hypocrisy. ‘I’ll bet most of you are thinking, ‘Dark money for me, but not for thee.'”
An attendee yelled, “You read my mind! I should un-alive you for being a Zionist witch!”
“And here we have another example of the horseshoe theory,” Hennessy replied. “The far Left and the far right are exactly the same!”
An attendee said she disagreed with Hennessy’s assertion. “The far Left wants taxpayer-funded health care. The far right wants me dead. We’re not at all alike.”
Katz cleared his throat before Hennessy could reply, “You know I’m standing right behind you? Why don’t you face me before spewing your slander?”
“Because my camera is in front of me,” she replied. “It feels like I’m recording a live-action reaction video!”
Convention security approached Hennessy, and she agreed to leave the convention. As Hennessy walked away, she yelled, “Say no to plastics. Shop at Tabor Place and support my friend Beatrice! She’s divorced and just adopted an adorable cat!”
After the convention, many attendees felt motivated to embrace an “inevitable” dark money future.
June, who asked that we not use her last name, said, “Yeah, there’s a risk I might get funded by a cryptocurrency group. But there’s also a chance I could get paid as much as my idol, Brenna Perez. If you can’t beat dark money groups, accept their donations instead.”
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