by Reporter X.

The Clow UFO Base Court of Extraterrestrial Affairs in the 109,298,291 Circuit, based in Bolingbrook, IL, refused to ban the absentee ballots cast by Illinois residents working off-world.

“I cannot throw away legitimate votes because an orange-skinned human is afraid of losing his Congress,” said Judge Kilos Surgon.

The US Justice Department filed for an emergency injunction, stating that absentee ballots from off-world not be counted until their experts examine each ballot. They cited the possibility of “global unrest” if the judge refused to grant the injunction.

“We could be looking at mass casualties, power grid disruptions, diesel at $10 a gallon, and an ANTFA uprising in the US,” said Justice Department Peter Z. Davis.

When asked about the examination process, Davis said it would include sending armed Space Force Marines to the residences of voters if there are any “irregularities” with their ballots. “Our research suggests that we’re more likely to get the answers we want using armed officers.”

Joan X. Simons, a Bolingbrook resident who works on Pluto, testified that it was inconvenient for her to return to Bolingbrook to vote. “I’m out of PTO because I had to travel all the way to Mercury to get a special ID. Now they want to get rid of my absentee ballot?”

Bill Y. Emerson, representing the State of Illinois, pointed out that off-world ballots have been secured for decades, and it would be unprecedented to toss the ballots days before the election. “We shouldn’t be changing the rules because the President doesn’t think he’ll like the results.”

“Why?” Davis asked. “He’s the President. He can do anything he wants.”

After Surgon’s ruling, Emerson praised it as a victory for democracy. “Today’s ruling means it doesn’t matter if you’re an Illinois resident working out of state or out of this world. Your vote will count, as long as you submit your absentee ballot in time.”

Davis said he was disappointed, but not defeated. “The liberal alien court may allow questionable ballots into this election, but we still have plenty of options to get the Congress we want. Hopefully, we won’t have to resort to the violent ones!”

Also in the Babbler:

Former Trump Supporter: ‘They were supposed to suffer. Not me’
Governor Pritzker campaigns at Clow UFO Base
Space Force not allowed near Clow voting site
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/5/26

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