Time Traveler arrested in Bolingbrook for posting on X (Fiction)

Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs arrested a time traveler accused of posting on X in 2023. According to sources within the DPA, the time traveler went back to 2023 and posted a highly distorted photo of President Donald Trump raising his fist following the 2024 Butler, PA assassination attempt. The traveler’s photo was first noticed this year, following the assassination attempt at the 2026 White House Correspondents’ Dinner.

Julia Z. Milton, spokesperson for the DPA said, “We take any attempt to corrupt our timeline seriously. Which is why did not notify the federal government until the suspect was turned over to the Temporal Enforcement Agency. Who knows how the Trump administration would have exploited a time traveler from the future?”

According to anonymous sources, the suspect was streaming the Correspondents’ Dinner at Starbucks. Five minutes before the shooting, he allegedly told another patron, “Keep watching. You don’t want to miss the false flag operation.” Somehow, the DPA overheard the alleged conversation. They arrested the time traveler when he left Starbucks and confiscated his pocket time machine.

When questioned, the time traveler demanded access to “GemiGrok” because he couldn’t think for himself. The traveler later confessed to being from the future and deliberately creating an anachronistic photo on X. According to the traveler, “GemiGrok” told him it was okay to post the photo because skeptics could the account was a private account that was set to public after the assassination attempt. Therefore, they could argue the image was created in 2026, not 2023. If the public didn’t accept that explanation, skeptics could dismiss the image visual pareidolia. Later, the traveler said it didn’t matter because all tweets would be erased after Gemini and Grok merge.

An investigator, who asked not to be identified, said, “GemiGrok gave that time traveler bad legal advice. I guess AI hallucinations will still be a problem in the future.”

When reached for comment, Presidential Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, after insulting this reporter, said, “Just wait until the Correspondents’ Dinner is rescheduled. Bombs will be dropped!”

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Bolingbrook braces for massive global ‘transquake’ (Fiction)

Will a trans rights group unleash a powerful global earthquake on April 25? Bolingbrook officials aren’t taking chances.

“Sure, it sounds preposterous,” said John, a village official who didn’t provide his last name. “But this country has been at war against the trans community since the second Trump administration started. It’s only a matter of time before they strike back.”

A new group, Beyond X and Y, announced (or threatened) to unleash a worldwide “transquake”  on April 25. Its leader, Dr. Jey, attempted to unleash a “boobquake” back in 2010. On 4/26/10, Dr. Jey encouraged women around the world to wear immodest clothing. Officially, the event was an “experiment” to test Iranian religious scholar Kazem Rajabi Seddiqi’s claim that immodestly dressed women cause earthquakes. A major earthquake occurred during that day.

“We were lucky they didn’t unleash a global Earthquake that day,” said John. “But Dr. Jey has had years to prepare for this quake. So we need to be prepared, too.”

The official purpose of “Transquake” is to “test the right’s hypothesis that trans joy is too powerful.” While the official event is in Chicago, countless unofficial events will also happen on that day.”

“Maybe nothing will happen,” said Pam, another village official who asked not to be identified. “Maybe Chicagoland will collapse into a massive hole. Why take the chance?”

Both officials urged residents to stock two weeks of canned goods and buy survival gear. If the quake occurs, they suggest residents get outside, instead of standing inside a doorframe. However, they don’t expect Lake Michigan to produce a tsunami that could reach Bolingbrook. 

Dr. Jey denied that Transquake would unleash a global disaster. “The real global disaster is transphobia. Beyond X and Y believes trans joy is natural, while transphobia is learned. It’s time to stop teaching transphobia.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta would neither confirm, nor deny, if the village was preparing for a global disaster on April 25. “Bolingbrook is a great place to live, but we always plan for the worst.”

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