Military investigators question Mayor Claar about UFOs (Fiction)


Sources say military investigators questioned Mayor Roger Claar for about an hour about Clow UFO Base:

Many sources in Village Hall say the investigators were from the successor program to the Advanced Aviation Threat Identification Program.  They were investigating a UFO sighting in California.  These sources said the investigators considered Claar a person of interest because he has family in California, and because of the Babbler’s articles about Claar being the administrator of Clow UFO Base.

Clow is an airport,” Claar allegedly replied.  “It is not a UFO Base.  You can’t believe anything you read in the Babbler!”

“That’s interesting,” one investigator allegedly replied.  “PZ Myers says the same thing about the Babbler. But we spoke with military personnel who used to be close to PZ, and they said you cannot believe anything PZ says.  So if PZ is saying—”

“Oh, that’s just great!”  Claar allegedly snapped back.

Sources agree that the investigators showed Claar pictures of every UFO sighting in Illinois and California.

Claar, the sources say, was not happy with the questions:

“Just because something is unidentified, does not mean it is from outer space!  It could be drones, clouds, or hoaxes.  Don’t you guys read the Skeptical Inquirer?”

“Our superior officer says we shouldn’t read articles by people who don’t believe in UFOs.  They foster doubt about our mission.  If we doubt our mission, then we start doubting our superior officers.  If that happens, then who knows what would happen to the military.”

“I don’t want to know.”

Near the end, Claar pulled out his delegate card from the 2016 Republican Convention:

“See this card. It means I voted for our President at the convention.  I was willing to stick with him no matter how many rounds of votes it took to give him the nomination.  I remained a supporter after he was elected.  I didn’t distance myself from him during my last election.  As long as he doesn’t try to remove me from office, I will remain loyal to him.  Our President rewards loyalty.  So with that in mind, what do you think he would say if I called him right now?”

The investigators thanked him for his time and left.

When this reporter called for a comment, a receptionist answered the phone:

“Roger is preparing for this week’s Village Board meeting and cannot be disturbed.  Merry Christmas and/or Happy Holidays.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Hello Comcast?  I know our franchise agreement doesn’t expire until 2020, but I was hoping that you would consider creating a Bolingbrook-friendly Internet Tier for our residents.  I’ll send you a list of sites you can exclude that are not Bolingbrook-friendly.  I’m so glad the FCC repealed net neutrality so I can help my residents avoid fake content from my foes!”

Also in the Babbler:

Sources: Trump vows to take down Freethought Blogs
Canada offers to buy Chicagoland from the US
Elf on a shelf arrested for spying on children
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/20/17