Governor Ron DeSantis diverts thousands of Betelgeuse refugees to Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis diverted over 150,000 Betelgeuse refugees to Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base. Clow officials confirmed that is far more refugees than Clow can safely shelter.

At a press conference with members of the interstellar media, Clow officials accused DeSantis of refusing to house any refugees in their 5 Floridian bases. They also produced communication logs proving that DeSantis never contacted Clow officials about his planned diversion.

Sofia Z. Hernandez, Director of Refugee Affairs for Clow, denounced DeSantis’s diversion of refugee transports: “He did this to trigger people. Well, I am triggered. Not by the overwhelming number of refugees he sent to us, but by his incredible incompetence!”

Many refugees claim DeSantis promised them that Clow would provide them with free human suits, free meals, and jobs.

“This governor human said Bolingbrook was a land of blue milk and green honey,” said Klego, a refugee with three children. “Instead, we were received by crews yelling obscenities and saying we were given counterfeit chips. All because DeSantis  didn’t want us landing in his arbitrary political district.”

Lopost, a starship commander, is furious with DeSantis: “We have been through so much trauma. My wife was incinerated when she tried to rescue one more of our eggs. I was barely able to pilot my ship through the shockwave. My passengers are in shock. We are suffering, and this DeSantis human used us as currency to fuel his own political base. We are living beings, not invaders. We were going to share our cold fusion technology with humanity, but not any more.”

Though DeSantis is a member of the Illuminati, the leadership denies sanctioning the diversion.

“(Ron DeSantis) has some balls to try and inflict chaos on our sacred society,” said US Master Councilor Graphite Fire. “We need to maintain good relations with the Interstellar Commonwealth if we want to gain control of all of Earth’s UFO Bases. Ron’s stunt is damaging our galactic reputation. We look like bumbling sociopaths, not bringers of righteous chaos! He will pay for this.”

Clow officials released a recording of a conversation between Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta and Governor DeSantis, which included this tense exchange:

Alexander-Basta: You should have called us before diverting all these refugees to Clow. You know we have a process for dealing with refugees, right?

DeSantis: I don’t care. I saw an opportunity to make little people like you squirm at all the icky aliens polluting your base!

Alexander-Basta: They’re not icky!

DeSantis: Then why are you complaining?

Alexander-Basta: Because we thought you were going to honor your commitment to house these refugees.

DeSantis: Illegals.

Alexander-Basta: Refugees. They’re here legally. Now if you had told us you were diverting them here, we would have been better prepared. Fortunately, other visitors are volunteering to help, along with the students in Humanoid Corrective Learning. We’re coming to together to help—

DeSantis: But you’re also complaining—

Alexander-Basta: I’m complaining about the mess you made.

DeSantis: I don’t create messes. I create problems for my opponents to make me look better. Now you better change your attitude, miss, because I’m going to be the President.

Alexander-Basta: Seriously? You’re being inhumane because—

DeSantis: Because that’s what excites human Republican voters! While Donald is bumbling in court, I’m actively screwing over undesirables. The moment he’s indicted, he’ll be revealed as a sick bumbling fool, while I’m the man who has total control of Florida — Because I’m presenting myself as a man actively harming the undesirables. I know how to destroy democracies in less than one term in office. I am the Florida government, and I hurt, arrest, threaten, humiliate, and destroy anyone in the name of entertaining my supporters. So you’d better start sucking up to me before I start sucking the life out of your village! 

Alexander-Basta: What is it about Florida that brings out the worst in men?

DeSantis: Unlimited power, but I’ll make sure you never have that.

Alexander-Basta: I can’t hear you. We have a bad connection. You need to come to my office and say that to my face.

*DeSantis ends the call*

DeSantis could not be reached for comment. 

The ambassadors from Mercury and Venus confirmed that they will house most of the refugees, and Clow should resume normal traffic in a week or two.

Also in the Babbler:

Interstellar court rules Rep. Sean Casten’s re-election campaign is not a slanderous attack against Keith Pekau
SAFE-T Act does not allow aliens to eat police officers
Weredeer endorse Catalina Lauf against Rep. Bill Foster
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/21/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Cheney family honored at Rochelle’s Hub 35 UFO Base (Fiction)

It’s been a while since we featured an article from one of our sister publications. This week’s article comes from the Illinois Rochelle Reader.

During a special ceremony at Hub 35 UFO Base, the New World Order honored the Cheney family for their “pioneering work dismantling democracy in the name of democracy.”

Host Rep. Adam Kinzinger started off by praising former Vice-president Dick Cheney: “There was once a time the former Vice-president was considered the evilest human in the solar system. You know the reasons: Torture, stretching the truth in order to invade Iraq, botching the response to Katrina, ruling from the shadows, turning a blind eye to voter suppression in Ohio, and so on. Thirteen years later, he hasn’t changed, but the world has. Today, he’s considered a defender of democracy due to his daughter! Dick is proof that if you live long enough, you can become the hero.”

The former Vice-president proudly accepted the first certificate before addressing the audience: “Quite frankly, I’m surprised I’m still alive, but it must mean God’s not finished with me… Which means I’m not finished with the world.”

Former VP Chaney also acknowledged that he was speaking on 9/11. “Yeah, I shouldn’t have expected the President to pay attention to the daily intelligence brief. And the President reading The Pet Goat wasn’t the best visual. He knew I had things under control, but he could have pretended he was urgently needed. But it worked out in the end. We ended up with secret search warrants, mass surveillance, and two profitable wars for our friends. Thanks to the fear and anger caused by 9/11, the right people were in charge.”

The former VP then slammed former President Donald Trump: “He’s a  clueless amateur who has squandered all of our advancements. We were on the verge of a new world order, and he unleashed global chaos because there is no international crime he won’t commit! He had, and still has, no vision. He used our supporters’ anger to storm the capitol. We used it to destroy (The Chicks.) He’s so bad even the Illuminati kicked him out.”

Representative Liz Cheney graciously accepted her certificate: “After the insurrection, I sincerely thought Trump was going down. So I moved to reclaim my family’s rightful place as leaders of the Republican Party. That didn’t go quite as planned. It was painful to admit to myself that I wasn’t the kind of Chaney who could shoot someone in the face, and then have them apologize to the media for getting in the way of my bullet.”

Representative Cheney added that she isn’t finished: “I’m going to make a lot of money speaking out against Trump, and running a futile campaign against him. And then I’m going to invest that money on an oil rig on Europa. With the sole drilling rights on Europa, I’ll be the next Elon Musk, and ‘the Donald’ will regret the day he tried to kill me!”

Mary Cheney accepted her certificate and denounced Trump’s homophobic followers: “I worked hard for my wife, my children, my corporate jobs, and everything else a Cheney is entitled to. I will not be canceled by the Karens and Kens of the world who don’t know the difference between a pedophile and a pedagogue! The New World Order wants a world run by the right people pretending to be kinder and gentler than other autocrats. We may be down, but we’re not out, and we will rise again. E pluribus unum! Out of many, one, and we are the right ones.”

She also added that she looked forward to the day the NWO recaptured Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base from the Illuminati.

When called, a receptionist for Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said, “Oh my God. The Babbler metastasized!”  

In the background, a young woman said, “Good news! Mark Leslie has agreed to write A Canadian Werewolf in Bolingbrook series. Now we’ve got a chance to recoup the losses from that Bolingbrook history book.”

A man replied: “I have good news too. Thanks to my positive thinking, and with a little help from the IT Department, I have made contact with the TikTok algorithm! We’ll dominate Booktok and hit the bestseller lists.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes. Watch. TikTok? How do we make a video go viral?”

A digital voice replied: “Make short videos. Make long videos. Do page flips. Don’t do page flips. Share on Instagram. Don’t share on Instagram. Share with your friends first. Share everywhere! Show your face! Use trending sounds. Use your own voice! Music! Music Music and silence! Don’t show your face. Delete Bots. Embrace your bots! Remove my logo! Don’t remove my logo. Follow everyone. Follow no one. Follow who you want to see. Follow who I want you to see. Community Guideline Violation! You lose!”

“I could have told you that,” said the woman.

Also in the Rochelle Reader:

Village board rejects funding for 9000-foot Trump statue
Aliens buzz residents with hypersonic golf carts
Walmart withdraws offer to buy Rochelle but not UHC
God to bless Rochelle on 9/17/22

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Mayor denies aliens access to Saturday’s Taste of Bolingbrook event (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Despite numerous interstellar diplomatic protests, Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta banned aliens from attending the Taste of Bolingbrook on Saturday, August, 13. Instead, aliens will be encouraged to attend the Taste of Clow UFO Base to be held on the same day.

“The Bolingbrook Chamber of Commerce is expecting 10,000 people to attend this year’s event,” said Alexander-Basta at a press conference with interstellar news organizations. “So, we want to make sure as many humans as possible can taste Bolingbrook. I mean have a taste of Bolingbrook.”

Alexander-Basta then encouraged all alien visitors to Bolingbrook to attend the Taste of Clow UFO Base instead. According to Alexander-Basta, alien visitors will have more fun if they stay on the base:

“We have so many things planned for our esteemed guests. The WeatherTech Restaurant will offer free samples of their new lightning bar desserts, made from rich recycled plastic with chips of discarded battery charger parts. Yummy. But there’s more. Clow’s most famous chef, Joshie Berger, will be serving his super-well-done burger with blackened grilled cheese. It sounds like the worst, but it’s actually the first. Um, you might want to rework that slogan, Joshie… Anyway, I left out the best part. A certain former trustee will be taking time off from her record-breaking interstellar tour to read Bolingbrook event announcements live! And that’s not all!”

Alexander-Basta added that there would be extra Men in Blue at the Taste of Bolingbrook and cloaked drones will scan all attendees for traces of alien DNA. She warned that any alien captured at the event would face “severe consequences.”

Zokgot, a visitor from Ross Confederacy, was disappointed by the announcement. He said: “I was looking forward to consuming a slice of Nancy’s Pizza dipped in Mora’s Miso Soup and topped with Andy’s Custard. I guess I will have to fly over to (Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base) if I want to sample Earth food.”

Alexander-Basta could not be reached for comment.  A receptionist said she was with a “very important visitor” and that they were taking part in a conference call about a “secret project.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar said: “So if buy over a thousand ISBNs, it will come out to about $1.50 per ISBN?”

Another man replied: “Absolutely. And for slightly more we can throw—”

“Then why can’t you just charge $1.50 for all ISBNs? Hell, I could publish my memoir in Canada and get a free ISBN there.”

“But you can’t publish your memoir in Canada because you live in the best country in the world. So you have to deal with us.”

“That’s better. Let’s make a deal.”

“Sure. You’ll pay us $125 for one ISBN. However, if you pay us $295 for ten ISBNs, I can throw in a barcode for $25.  Since you’re obviously new to self-publishing, I can also have an AI scan your manuscript for only $99.99. Or why list your book for free on Books2Read when you can have it listed on Book2look for only $49.95? That’s—”

“Outrageous! How dare you try to rip me off. Don’t you know who I am?”

“You’re a person who has no choice but to deal with Bowker.”

Also in the Babbler:

Village of Long Grove considers approving a weapon of mass slaughter/gun store
Rep. Bill Foster building a rocket car to help him tour his new district
UFO lands in Bolingbrook after colliding with a Long March booster
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/11/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Elon Musk survives meeting with Maritan Colonial delegation at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

Elon Musk

Bored billionaire Elon Musk minutes before his negotiations with the Martian Colonies broke down. (“Elon Musk” by dmoberhaus is licensed under CC BY 2.0.)

By Reporter X

A summit meeting between Elon Musk and a Martian Colonial delegation at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base ended in a brawl. No one died, and no one was arrested, but Clow’s medical teams had to re-attach Elon’s head to his body.

Following the incident, Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta addressed the interstellar press: “Elon will be back to his normal self. For that, I apologize to humanity and the rest of the solar system.”

Alexander-Basta then thanked the Martian Colonies for not invading Earth or incinerating the surface of the Earth. She stated: “The Martian Colonies demonstrated that they are truly the most advanced civilization in the Milky Way. Their restraint  is admirable and appreciated.” Basta then picked up a piece of paper, and read aloud: “This is why we welcome the Colonial peacekeepers stationed in Bolingbrook, and we appreciate that they are using their superior technology to disguise this base as an Amazon Fulfillment Center. If they want to build a space elevator—” She then looked backstage and said, “Can we talk about this without getting annihilated? No?”

Clow officials then showed security holograms of the events leading up to the brawl. It started with Musk demanding 420 square kilometers of Martian territory for his future base, and access to the “Qzist.” When asked why, Musk replied, “You have information about every human on Earth. I could use that to humiliate my enemies and defend my freedom.”

“You mean dominate other humans and not be dominated yourself?” Asked a Colonial delegate.

“Exactly. Accessing the Qzist would be cheaper than buying Twitter.”

Later in the meeting, Musk promised to build a hyperloop to connect his colony to the Martian Colonies. A delegate was not impressed. She pointed out that Musk promised to build a starship, but instead built a spacecraft that has yet to orbit the Earth.

“You seem to promise more than you can deliver, and what you have delivered you’ve bought from others.”

Musk protested and said things would be different on Mars. “Sometimes I come up with ideas, and my engineers quit rather than build them. I even moved to Texas, and promised to pay the travel expenses if any of their girlfriends needed abortions. All I wanted in return was their undying loyalty to me. That isn’t working. But on Mars, I’ll have total control of the air, food and shelter. No unions. No liberals. I will have the freedom to make them do what I want. I think I’ll call my first colony Space Texas.”

The negotiations became more heated until Musk threatened to call them a type of sex offender. A delegate activated a droplet drone. Musk smiled and said, “My robots will protect me.” Instead, the robots started dancing. Musk frowned. “I guess I’ll have to flame all of you myself.” Musk pulled out a flamethrower and the hologram footage stopped.

When asked to comment on Twitter, Musk blocked this reporter. 

A receptionist for Basta said she was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said: “Sheldon, your campaign is in crisis, and I’m here to help.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts replied, “Crisis? How can there be a crisis when the election is still eight months away? It’s too early to think about it.”

“Too early? Have you seen Mayor Mary’s fundraising numbers? This month she raised $32,500 for her campaign fund. That’s more money than the total funds for both opposition parties combined, and she’s not spending it on lunches, cars, scholarships, or batteries.”

“It takes more than money to win a campaign.”

“But it does take money to be viable, and we won’t be viable after Ms. ‘Proudly sponsored by Weathertech’ floods our mailboxes and social media platforms with ads for her trustee candidates next year. I have to take drastic action if you want to avoid another third place finish.”

“I’m afraid to know what you have in mind.”

“Okay. Let’s just say that there are people out there who don’t like the Egyptian government, and would love to make their favorite US mayor—”

“La! La! La! I can’t hear you! Jesus loves me. S.T.E.M. is good.”

Also in the Babbler:

Wheaton College to host ‘Is Richard Carrier a myth?’ conference
Governor Pritzker to promote Rep. Kinzinger by running ads against him
Interstellar Commonwealth threatens to raise abduction quota if US Democracy ends
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/14/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is available now. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter. Visit my author site for more information about all my books.

Clow UFO Base bans ‘Sea Shanty Melody’ while Sherman UFO Base creates ‘Shanty Zones’ (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base officially banned performances of the “Sea Shanty Melody” while Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base created “SSM” zones to accommodate the dancing performers.

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta released a statement that read: “It’s been over a year since the Sea Shanty Meme started. During that time, security has had to break up numerous fights over that song.  Some of our visitors are treating it like a religion, rather than a silly melody. Enough! I don’t care if the ship is called Billy OT or Billy O’Tea.  I don’t care if you do one kick or two. I don’t care if you think the Santiana is really a hovercraft flying over Mexico. I don’t care! We just want peace and quiet on our base. We can’t stand hearing the song daily!”

Clow officials later clarified that Clow’s bars would continue to serve Wellermans, a mixed drink of rum, tea, and sugar.

After the announcement of Clow’s ban, Palatine Village Manager Reid Ottesen announced to the interstellar news media that Sherman will designate areas where aliens could perform and record their performances.

“Some could argue this is a cynical attempt to draw traffic away from Clow,” said Ottesen. “That couldn’t be further from the truth. I think that if Palatine can allow video gambling, we can allow performances of this sea song. Who knows? Maybe we can find a way to combine them?”

Some aliens at Clow tried to protest the ban by performing to the melody but were quickly arrested. A lawyer for the protesters insisted the ban violated the Treaty of the Bermuda Triangle and vowed to have it overturned.

The lawyer also told alien reporters: “I will say that my clients appreciate being asked nicely by security to surrender before perfunctorily being sprayed with riot foam. The previous administrator of Clow would have sprayed them without any warning.”

Zeego, a resident of the Galactic Core Worlds, said she will be visiting Sherman because they are accommodating sea shanty dancers. 

“Weathermen on Earth have such a difficult job. I hope my dance lifts their spirits.”

Pozogot, who did not disclose his planet, supports Clow’s ban. “My best Earthling friend was a whale, and she was murdered in your 19th Century by those whalers. She could have been the Whale Bob Dylan, but she was murdered and turned into lamp oil!”

When reached for comment, Ottesen replied: “Your questions about UFOs make me laugh. After managing Palatine through riots and a pandemic, I could always use a laugh.”

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was unavailable.

“We kind of have a situation here. Steve Bannon is in the lobby and we can’t get him to leave.”

In the background, a person who sounded like Bannon said, “Marie, when I said, “Flood the zone with (expletive deleted),” I didn’t mean that literally!”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Alexander-Basta to declare a ‘crypto holiday’ in Bolingbrook
First off-world alien votes arrive in Cook and Will counties
Aliens offer condolences to Rep. Casten following the death of his eldest daughter
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is available for preorder. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Democratic State Representative candidates Laliberte-Barnes and Syed clash at Palatine’s UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Democratic State Representative candidates for District 51, Chelsea Laliberte-Barnes and Nabeela Syed, debated covert and public issues during their debate at Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base. The debate, sponsored by Sherman’s unions and broadcast live throughout the solar system, showed a clear contrast between the two candidates.

Syed’s opening remarks, which mentioned working with Emily’s List and other progressive groups, ended with her singing “Gloop, Gloop, Gloop,” and doing a short dance.

“What was that?” asked Barnes.

“It’s the hottest trend on interplanetary TikTok,” Syed replied. “Some residents working on Triton said they’d vote me if I did it during the debate. I love connecting with the residents of the 51st, even if they are working off-world. You’d know this if you spent more time canvassing instead of fundraising.”

Barnes replied, “Well if a certain candidate hadn’t raised close to $200,000, and wasn’t constrained by a family, I wouldn’t have to hold fundraisers.”

“Well, because of my community and political work, so many individuals were willing to donate to my campaign. They don’t want someone who will work with racist Republicans. They want someone who will work for the residents of this district.”

Later, Barnes, a social worker, highlighted her efforts to fight drug addiction and provide mental health support.

“These causes mean so much to me. That is why I’m willing to reach a consensus with the fascist anti-women Republican party if it will help the residents of our district. Of course, if our visitors decided to share their advanced medical knowledge, I wouldn’t have to make deals with the elephant worshiping death cult.”

Syed responded by claiming to be uniquely qualified to deal with the Interstellar Commonwealth: “I have been practicing interfaith dialogue for years, and interstellar dialogue isn’t that different. Some of the Commonwealth’s leaders question if intelligent life exists in our district. I can point to Fremd High School and Harper College,  and confidently say there is intelligent life in our district.” Syed then said: “And this is for my new friends who work on Pluto.” She held up a sign that read, “Dwarf planets are planets,” and then did a short dance. “More  votes for me.”

Barnes said she could “play the meme game too,” and sang part of “Baby Shark.”

“Now how many votes did I win?”

“I think you lost some.”

After the debate, supporters of both candidates presented their spins for the interplanetary press.

“Nabeela Syed nailed it,” said Representative Raja Krishnamoorthi. “Future leaders like her are inspiring my campaign for Senate.”

“House,” said his wife, Priya Krishnamoorthi.”

“House. Sorry. I’m getting ahead of myself.”

Senator Dick Durbin said: “Chelsea will kick this state’s addiction to politics as usual.  Wait a minute, I think I have the wrong sheet.”

Lisa Z. Parker, spokesperson for Sherman UFO Base’s unions, said she was pleased with the debate, but there were no plans for an endorsement:

“Both are good candidates and would support Sherman UFO Base. We’ll let our members decide which candidate is right for them.” She then added:. “If Rob Sherman were alive today, I’m sure he would have filed a frivolous lawsuit to restrict Nabeela from entering the base because she wears a headscarf. I’m happy to say that we’ve come a long way, baby.”

Also in the Babbler:

Alien arrested for displaying blaster at Lions Carnival
Elon Musk to visit Clow UFO Base
Mayor Mary diverts covert funds to lower garbage fee
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/4/22

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is available for preorder. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Web Exclusive: Clow UFO Base grounds flights following leak of Supreme Court’s abortion ban (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base grounded all interstellar flights following the unprecedented leak of Justice Samuel Alito’s first draft of a decision to overturn Roe V. Wade. 

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta announced the stoppage and urged all alien crews to cooperate with Inquisitors from the Illuminati and Bolingbrook’s Men in Blue. During her live-streamed announcement, Alexander-Basta said: “I would like to remind all of our visitors it is not our custom to steal documents from the Supreme Court and deliver them to a news site. While the United States doesn’t have a state religion, disrespecting the highest court is considered blasphemous. Even implying that the justices are political appointees is considered disrespectful. If any of you were involved in this theft, please turn yourself in now before I really get mad and make you regret being born.”

While some crews have cooperated, others have refused. Xlopo of Proxima Centauri said, “Under the Treaty of Kelly-Hopkinsville, humans cannot search a ship without a warrant. This overrides Clow’s Terms and Conditions, even if we broke their airlock seal. I’m sorry they’re mad someone leaked the expected ruling of one paper priest, but wrecking my ship won’t solve or change anything.”

Pogost, a ship commander from the Free Planets of Ongust, criticized the alleged ruling: “The freedom to choose when and if to have offspring is essential to all intelligent beings. If I teleported into a human’s home and said: ‘Hi. I have five heartbeats. You must take care of me for at least 18 Earth years,’ we know what would happen.  Either the inhabitants or the Men in Blue would abort my stay. If this keeps up, Earth can forget about being accepted into the Commonwealth.”

 Xeble, who asked that we not identify his homeworld, offered harsher criticism: “This decree is further proof that the U.S. Electoral College is harmful to humanity. This alleged sacred constitutional document allows someone to win a Presidential election without winning the majority of votes. Not only that, but it also does nothing to ensure that this person has the expertise and temperament necessary to run a country armed with nuclear weapons. And this elected person nominates the priests that will ‘interpret’ how to apply outdated rules to the present? And humans are supposed to trust these priests to be unbiased? If we didn’t need Lady Gaga MP3s, I would avoid Earth.”

Sources inside Clow expect the ground stop to be lifted by Thursday. None of them would confirm the validity of the alleged ruling.

After her speech, Alexander-Basta released a statement to the interstellar media. Part of it read: “Please don’t make me take sides in this cultural war issue. Abortion will still be legal in Illinois and inside Clow. If you want an abortion, you can have one. If you don’t, we won’t force you to get one. Fnord!”

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My new novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is coming out soon. Pathways to Bolingbrook: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story is free and available now. For book updates, sign up for my newsletter.

Rep. Katie Porter and her whiteboard entertain aliens at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Congresswoman Katie Porter, Deputy Chair of the Progressive Caucus, toured Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base as part of a fact-finding tour for the Sub-subcommittee for Nuts and Bolts Spending.

“I’m happy to see such a well-maintained Illuminati base,” said Porter to a gathering of staff and alien ambassadors. “I have to remind the other base administrators that spreading global chaos does not mean spreading corruption. Fnord!”

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta then praised Porter’s achievements for the Illuminati: “Representative Porter has done more with her whiteboard than someone performing 100 Rites of the Pyramid’s Eye. She’s exposed the greed and stagnation of the New World Order and shown how the Illuminati can make positive changes in everyone’s lives. As a woman of global excellence, I salute you.”

Porter pulled out a whiteboard. “Mayor Alexander-Basta, can you state the reasons why Bolingbrook was one of the last communities to allow garbage toters?”

“Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar.”

“Makes sense. I like direct answers to my questions.”

An ambassador from Alpha Centauri asked Porter why the Illuminati wasn’t trying to form an alliance with the Martian Colonies. Porter wrote out the reasons why:

  1. They think we’re infected with memes
  2. They hate us
  3. They want us dead

“Any questions?”

“Your Whiteboard skills are amazing. You should lead a first contact mission.”

A Clow staff member said he was “sort of” asked by Rep. Marie Newman’s campaign why she endorsed a “corporate Democrat” over Newman.

“First, let’s define what a ‘corporate Democrat’ is. Corporations and their supporters love the stock market, right?  And they love to trade stocks, yes?  So a corporate Democrat would love to trade stocks, right? So someone who can afford to trade over $6 million in stocks must really love trading stocks. And if that person also trades in cryptocurrency? Well, that’s the icing on the cake.  Right.  Well, I just described (Rep. Marie Newman). (Representative Sean Casten), on the other hand, doesn’t trade stocks and wants to ban congressional members from trading stocks. Remember, just because someone owned a business, does not mean they are a corporate Democrat.”

When the staff member pointed out that Newman was also a co-sponsor of the bill, she replied, “She profited from stock trading before she opposed stock trading. Go figure.”

Before returning to Washington, DC, Porter praised the Interstellar Commonwealth. “Whenever I get frustrated in Washington, I just remember how efficient and ethical the Commonwealth is. A good government that helps its constituents is possible in this universe!”

Also in the Babbler:

Alien mercenaries denied access to Clow
Mayor Alexander-Basta insists anti-matter storage units are safe
Leprechauns approve of parades this year
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/17/22

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My new novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is coming out soon. Pathways to Bolingbrook: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story is free and available now. For book updates, sign up for my newsletter.

Russians Interceptors attack craft over Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Russian Interceptors attacked a spacecraft from the Large Magellanic Cloud and followed it to Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  The craft crash-landed at Clow, and the interceptors eventually left Bolingbrook.

“That was exciting,” said Donna K. Smith, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs. “Thanks to the professionalism of our pilots and ground crew, we had no causalities, and we avoided World War III.  This is why Bolingbrook is exceptional.”

According to Smith, the UFO flew over Ukrainian orbital territory, where it was confronted by Russia’s Space Force.  The pilots accused the crew of flying over Russian territory without a permit. When the crew refused to pay, the interceptors attacked.  The crew attempted to flee.

Smith said: “The crew could have landed at any base within the (European Union) or North America. They chose Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  We’re honored they chose us, but we’re disappointed that the Russian military decided to violate our orbital space.”

Smith added that all crew members survived the crash, and released a statement insisting they never entered Russian territory. Part of the statement read: “It is disappointing to travel 160,000 light years only to be attacked because we crossed an imaginary line. We would normally consider an attack an act of war. However, we will accept Bolingbrook’s gift of cannabis as appropriate reparations. It’s a good thing Clow just opened a dispensary. (Insert another reason why Bolingbrook is the best village on Earth. MC.)

Russian Space Force spokesperson Angelica Orlov denied interceptors violated Clow’s orbital space. She said: “Outer Space has been Russian territory since the launch of Sputnik. We have granted permission for craft to operate over Bolingbrook, but we have always reserved the right to defend our territory. We are disappointed that Bolingbrook Mayor (Mary Alexander-Basta) is harboring these trespassers. We are also frustrated with the continued United States occupation of the Ukrainian Village.”

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was not available. In the background of the Zoom call, Bolingbrook Trustee Sheldon Watts spoke with covert social media operative Charlene Spencer.

Spencer: My friend just finished ghostwriting your campaign books.

Watts: Campaign books?

Spencer: Yeah.  We’ve got to take things to the next level if you don’t want to finish last in the next election.

Watts: Why are you thinking about the 2023 election now?

Spencer: It will be here sooner than you think.

Watts: But I haven’t decided if I’m running for re-election, or what my platform will be.

Spencer: Details. Look, I’ve got a can’t miss plan to turn you into a best-selling author.

Watts: Shouldn’t you have asked me first?

Spencer: And distract you from writing your dissertation? Anyway, my friend wrote a post-apocalyptic military romantic zombie science fiction survival urban fantasy series for you. Here’s the blurb for the first book.

Watts: “Longing for Survival: Special Forces Veteran and young hunk Steve Volt must venture into the Western Wastelands to rescue his lover from the zombie queen Mar-a-ree. Can he penetrate the restricted zone with his–” Do you seriously think this will be a hit on Amazon?

Spencer: Of course it will, because I’m going to list it in the “Knitters>Bolingbrook” category.  You’ll just need one sale to become a best-selling author.

Also in the Babbler:

Russian threatens Bolingbrook with snow attack
Weed World threatens to sue Bolingbrook to allow customers to smoke inside
Sources: Trump family made millions selling human suits at Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/3/22

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My new novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is coming out soon. Pathways to Bolingbrook: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story is free and available now. For book updates, sign up for my newsletter.

The Mayors of Bolingbrook: Jack Leonard (1965) (Fiction)

For our Mayors of Bolingbrook special report, we’re starting with Jack Leonard, Bolingbrook’s first village president, as mayors were called back then. Leonard helped to persuade the Trilateral Commission and the Illuminati to create Bolingbrook as a cover for Clow UFO Base. Not only was he the first police chief, but he also was the first temporal monitor, weredeer control officer, and alien greeter. Historians to this day do not know how he got any sleep.

Update 2021: This interview occurred right after residents voted to approve the creation of Bolingbrook in 1965. John Olson, the Babbler’s first publisher, strongly opposed the incorporation of Bolingbrook at first. His attitude is quite apparent in this first interview. The Babbler published the interview in its first issue, which was distributed to the residents moments after the village board formally signed the incorporation papers.

Village President denies being a Soviet patsy!
Publisher escapes arrest and certain brainwashing!

Publisher John Olson crashed the village trustee’s celebration of Colonial Estates’ loss of freedom under the newly formed “village” of Bolingbrook. We have the exclusive transcript!

John Olson: I have a question for the so-called president of this new village.

Jack Leonard: Who are you?

Olson: I am the publisher of The Bolingbrook Babbler. My reporter is handing out sample copies for each of you.

Trustee: How can we have a second newspaper? The voters only just approved incorporation.

Olson: Whenever an oppressive liberal government forms, the press rises to oppose it.

Leonard: We haven’t even had a meeting yet.

Trustee: And what kind of name is the Babbler, anyway?

Olson: As in a babbling brook! What kind of name is Bolingbrook, anyway?

Trustee: It comes from Shakespeare–

Leonard: Now you said you had a question. What is it?

Olson: Knowing that on any given night, up to three communist satellites pass over our community, and given that there are Beatniks and other unsavory elements just outside of our newly imposed border, and given that forcing the residents into a collective village is almost the same as collectivism which is practiced by–

Leonard: Do you have a question?

Olson: Are you going to petition Will County to invalidate this election because of interference from Soviet mind-control satellites?

Trustee: Wait a minute! According to this article, God is going to smite Bolingbrook after our first meeting. Why are you working on an issue if God is going to destroy all of us?

Olson: We think enough residents will say the prayer in the article and save Bolingbrook.

Leonard: I think you need to get more fresh air. The mold in your basement is affecting your brain.

Olson: Very funny. I will now ask another question.

Leonard: This should be good.

Olson: When will you tell the truth about Clow?

Leonard: The truth?

Olson: The truth that Bolingbrook is really a cover for the largest urban UFO base in the World!

(Silence)

Olson: And we’re going to keep covering Clow and all the other supernatural events in Bolingbrook!

Leonard: Honey, get the jail ready!

Wife: It’s full!

Leonard: Already?

Wife: People are getting drunk celebrating the new village.

Leonard: Mister, if it were up to me, I would lock you up tonight. But tonight, in the spirit of unity, I’m just going to ask you to leave. Instead of attacking the village, you should be following the example of a young man from out of town. He said that he wanted to be a pioneer, to start a new life in Bolingbrook. I said, “Young man, if you really want to help Bolingbrook, we’ll need leaders. Leaders need PhDs! If you want to go out on your own, go to an out-of-state university first. Take your time. Because Bolingbrook will be waiting for you.” Someday, he will be a great asset for Bolingbrook. You should work to be a great asset to this village right now.

Olson: Oh don’t worry! You may be part of an alien/communist plot, but we will be working together!

Leonard: Why’s that?

Olson: Because I run the only newspaper in Bolingbrook. That means I own the paper of record!

Trustee: What about The Beacon?

Olson: The Beacon? The Beacon is just Joe Kovach’s oversized newsletter and it covers other communities. The Babbler, on the other hand, exclusively covers Bolingbrook, and it looks better than The Beacon! We are the first true tabloid in Bolingbrook. You have to make us the paper of record!

Trustee: He has a point!

Leonard: GET OUT!

Tomorrow: Robert Schanks unleashes the ultimate weapon in the fight to maintain law and order in Bolingbrook!