Occupation of Clow UFO Base ends: Interstellar Commonwealth takes over Bolingbrook’s UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

After nearly three months, alien protesters ended their occupation of Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

UFO“While the situation on Earth continues to deteriorate,” read a statement from the protesters, “We understand that our occupation of Clow UFO Base isn’t helping humanity.  Our statement has been made, and we no longer need to occupy Clow UFO Base.  The galaxy knows that Donald Trump is an evil racist overlord, and (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) helped inflict Trump’s evil upon the Earth by raising money for him.  We may be leaving, but we will not forget.”

Representatives from the Interstellar Commonwealth brokered the deal with the protesters, the Village of Bolingbrook, the New World Order, the Illuminati, and the Knights Templar.  Under the terms of the deal, the protesters were given safe passage out of our solar system, but each is banned for life from visiting Earth.  The Interstellar Commonwealth assumed control of Clow and will manage the base until the April 2, 2019 municipal election.  If Claar’s party, Bolingbrook First, retains at least two village trustee seats, Claar and the Illuminati will regain control of Clow.  If Bolingbrook United, affiliated with the New World Order, wins all three seats, they will take over, and Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz will become the new administrator.  The Knights Templar will monitor the election.

“The voters of Bolingbrook will decide the fate of Clow UFO Base,” read a statement from the Interstellar Commonwealth.

Claar, who was attending the Illuminati/New World Order peace talks in Cuba, released a statement supporting the deal:  “The Interstellar Commonwealth will pay for the base cleanup, and resume revenue sharing with the village.  I will once again run Clow UFO Base.  I’m not worried about Bolingbrook United.  If those anti-Trump politicians couldn’t defeat me in 2017, they won’t be able to defeat my party in 2019.  I heard there were Republicans at their last fundraiser event.  I will give them until the end of the September to renounce their support for Bolingbrook United.  Any Republican who continues to support Bolingbrook United after September I will  consider a Democrat.”

Sources within Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs say the base is “remarkably in good shape,” and should reopen in a week.

When reached for comment, Jaskiewicz said, “Can you adjust your voice modulator?  I can’t understand a word you are saying.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Rick Morales said: “Did you see the Trustee election poll in Bolingbrook Politics?”

A man who sounded like Claar said: “Of course.  Every time my blood pressure gets too low, I buy a copy of the Babbler and visit that group.  I’m back to normal in seconds.”

“Why is my name not listed?  I thought I was going to be running for re-election.  You’re not still mad about all those times I voted against you many years ago?”

“No, but you know the story of Vince Lombardi and the 1959 Green Bay Packers?  Think of yourself as Babe Parilli, and the new guy as Bart Starr.

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook United denies candidate is a secret land squid
Source:  Mayor Claar spent most of Cuba trip arguing on Facebook
President Trump blames aliens and Mayor Claar for two tied NFL games
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/19/18

Rep. Bill Foster leads delegation to meet with Clow UFO Base’s occupiers (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Congressman Bill Foster lead a small delegation to meet with the aliens who seized Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

Congressman Bill Foster

“This should have been resolved back in July,” said Foster after the meeting. “A certain mayor should have tried negotiating with occupiers before asking Trump to send in Space Force Marines.  Anyway, now I’m convinced that this will be over in a matter of days.”

State Representative Natalie Manley also believed the occupiers would soon surrender Clow UFO Base:  “I know that many beings around the galaxy are concerned about the events on Earth.  I appreciate their support as I, and other Democrats, try to fix the state and the country.  Taking over Clow UFO Base doesn’t help our efforts—  It hurts us.  I explained that the occupation will be used by Melania Trump and Roger Claar as an excuse for violence.  I don’t want the massacre at Area 51 to be repeated at Clow.”

Lauren Staley-Ferry, Will County Board member, said she reminded the occupiers that they were currently delinquent on their county tax bill: “I did a terrible thing once, and some people still won’t let it go.  No matter how many times I say I’m sorry, or no matter how respected I am at my current job, they will keep bringing it up.  I told the occupiers that if they didn’t surrender Clow UFO Base and pay their taxes now, the Illuminati would never forgive them!  They would end up being unfairly judged for this incident for the rest of their lives.  I think I got through to them. Anyway, I should be the next county clerk since I’ve demonstrated during my time on the board that I’m committed first and foremost to the interests of Will County residents.”

When asked why Mayor Roger Claar, or any trustees, weren’t part of the delegation, Foster said: “Roger and the Illuminati have caused enough damage already.”  He added that he did consult with opposition trustee Robert Jaskiewicz.

Foster also claimed to have consulted with former Clow UFO Base employee, and current Congressional candidate, Sean Casten:  “I talked with him for a few minutes, then canvassed for him on the way to Clow.  We could use someone like him in Congress.  Can you believe (Representative Peter Roskam) doesn’t believe in UFOs and won’t attend meetings about interstellar affairs?  Sean’s experience at Clow UFO Base will only help US-interstellar relations.”

Claar and Roskam could not be reached for comment.

A volunteer at Casten’s campaign denied the candidate ever worked at Clow: “Sean is a scientist.  He doesn’t have time for your nonsense.  Bolingbrook isn’t even in the Sixth District.  Anyway, we at the Downers Grove Destroyer office know not to waste Sean’s time with you guys.  I just warned the Elgin Escort, the Barrington Battleship, and the Wheaton Warship offices about you guys as well.  Hey!  Do we have a nickname for the West Chicago office?”

In the background, a man said: “My daughter says you want to let thirteen-year-olds drive.  Is that true?”

“You tell him Sean!”  said a young woman.

“No,” said a man who sounded like Casten.  “What I actually said is that if a minor commits a crime with a gun, the parents should be held accountable.  Just like if my thirteen-year-old daughter stole my car and had an accident.  I would be held accountable for that.  Of course, she would never steal my car.  It was just an example I used at a small gathering.”

“You suck!”  said the young woman.  “I thought you were awesome, but you’re just as uncool as my dad.”

“You just earned my vote, Sean.”

Also in the Babbler:

Happy Rosh Hashanah
Palatine residents fall ill as New World Order tests new UFO tracking system.
Bolingbrook United denies it will nominate a Satanist for Library Board
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/11/18

Illuminati covert audit finds no evidence DuPage Township illegally funded interstellar charities (Fiction)

By Reporter X

A covert team of Illuminati auditors found no evidence that the DuPage Township fraudulently spent millions of interstellar credits on donations to interstellar charities.  During a conference announcing their findings, they also accused DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford of wasting their time.

“We risked our lives by breaking into Clow UFO Base for our forensic audit,” said Milton, the leader of the auditing team.  “We were able to reconcile the finance records inside Clow with copies kept at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.  We’ve come to the conclusion that Trustee Benford has no idea what she’s talking about, and has a militant desire to talk about it.  She owes us a half-million credits for wasting our time— but we will accept an apology.”

Benford refused to apologize.  “I’m saddened to see that once again our township has hired incompetent forensic auditors.  The firm that audited our public funds found trivial errors, but couldn’t discover the thousands of dollars I know are missing!  This firm is worse.  I don’t think it is a coincidence.  I think the corrupt Chicago political machine has touched our fine county and our fine galaxy.  I can’t wait to become a State Representative so I can rage against the machine and spread chaos to all of Illinois.”

Mayor Roger Claar, who is also a high ranking Illuminati official, was not pleased.  “Alyssia, I told you not to spread chaos in my village, and you didn’t listen to me!  You’re supposed to spread chaos to the rest of the state—  Not here!”

“We’re spreading chaos everywhere!” said Trustee Dennis Raga.  “We’re Illuminati Knights of Chaos!  We’re going to bring down the New World Order with booze!  Boobs!  EDM!  Booze!  Booze!  EDM! Boobs—”

“Shut up!” interrupted Claar.  “I’m going to give both of you an opportunity think about what you’ve done.  This weekend, both of you will be canvassing for 16th Congressional Candidate Sara Dady!”

“She’s the Democrat Party candidate,” gasped Benford.

“Yes, and I expect both of you to do a good job of canvassing for her.  I thought of worse punishments, but this is appropriate for your actions.  Don’t prove me wrong!”

Both trustees cried then agreed to canvass for Dady.

Benford and Raga could not be reached for comment.

A receptionist for Claar said he was out of the office and had visitors waiting for him.

In the background, a woman who sounded like advisor Charlene Spencer seemed to be role-playing different characters: “‘Alyssia asked for a flyer from the Bolingbrook Rotary Club.  Then she gave them taxpayer money without approval from the board.  This proves she’s corrupt!’  ‘That’s a vicious attack against the only honest township trustee.  It took her seven years to discover that the Township staff is incompetent.  We should reward her with a higher political office.’  ‘Guys!  Left or Right, I think we can all agree that townships are hopelessly corrupt and should be abolished.’”

A man cleared his throat.

“Oh, hi Bob!”

“Charlene, are you playing with your fake Facebook accounts like they’re action figures?”

“I’m not playing.  I’m helping my client’s campaign to destroy all townships in Illinois.”

“I understand, but do you really have to use your sock puppets to smear anyone working for a township?  There are some decent people working in these townships, and I don’t think they deserve your unethical attacks.  Speaking of which, did you really need to attack me in your last post?”

“Attacked?  Bob, if you think I’m attacking you now, just wait until next year.  Igor and I have someone very special planned for your slate of candidates.”

Also in the Babbler:

Representative Roskam compares Sean Casten to Donald Trump
Aliens drove Bolingbrook Porkchop out of business, says the owner
Mayor Claar bans Gunkata classes in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/7/18

Village of Bolingbrook executes anti-vaccination aliens (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The village of Bolingbrook executed 10 members of KukPu’K, an interstellar anti-vaccination terrorist group.

“We gave them a trial,” said Joan Armstrong, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs. “Then we executed them.  Why waste time on appeals?”  Armstrong added that village officials could have used the most painful form of execution, but didn’t.

KukPu’K has been convicted of genocide by the Interstellar Commonwealth’s court system.  Their members first spread anti-vaccination propaganda on a target world.  Once the inhabitants lose herd immunity to a deadly disease, KukPu’K operatives then unleash a very potent strain of the disease.  Members of KukPu’K defend their actions by saying they are not anti-vaccine, but “anti-stupidity.”  They feel that any species that rejects vaccination deserves to die.

Russian Internet trolls are suspected of working with KukPu’K operatives to spread anti-vaccination propaganda in Europe and the United States.  Anonymous sources say KukPu’K could be partly responsible for measles outbreaks in Europe and the United States.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar released a statement defending the execution of the terrorists two days after capturing them:  “I may have sold my soul to Donald Trump, but I will not sell out the unvaccinated babies who live in Bolingbrook.  I do have standards, no matter what my foes say.”

Claar’s statement also blamed the expedited sentencing on alien protesters who currently control Clow UFO Base:  “Because of the actions of a radical occupation force, the 109,298,291st Circuit Court relocated to the New World Order’s temporary and illegal base in Palatine.  With the court being inaccessible, we had a very limited window to process these dangerous criminals.  My foes will argue about due process.  The victims of KukPu’K and the anti-vaccination movement deserve due process too!  In this village, we know that vaccines don’t cause autism.  Even if they did, I will not let the irrational fear of autistic children endanger our residents!”

Bolingbrook United, the opposition party, released a statement condemning the execution.  “Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz is a member of the New World Order.  He could have work with the NWO to transfer the prisoners to the Interstellar Commonwealth authorities.  Show trials have no place in our village.  Due process is the vaccination against tyranny and one-party rule!”

Also in the Babbler:

Scientists:  Bolingbrook will be uninhabitable by the 23rd century
Residents demand an accounting of DuPage Township’s interstellar spending
Bolingbrook STEM Association denies building android assassin
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/31/18

Proud Boys defeated by Antifa space aliens (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Alien Antifa fighters dealt a humiliating defeat to members of the Proud Boys who tried to violently end the occupation of Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

“Our armor, our sticks, and our white skin weren’t enough,” cried one Proud Boy, who refused to be identified.  “They must have had help from the Space Jews.  They’re not cool like Netanyahu.”

The twelve members gathered outside Clow Airport, wielding wooden sticks. They were wearing helmets, black and yellow polo shirts, and homemade armor. Their leader, Clint, read a statement to this reporter saying that “space aliens with ties to space Muslims and anti-Western ideologies” had captured Clow UFO Base.  The Cook County Democrats, he claimed, were “preventing Bolingbrook’s Mayor Clark (sic) from doing what needs to be done.”  He also called Bolingbrook a “Space Alien Sanctuary City” and said his group would free the residents from “Illegal Space Aliens.”  Clint added that the Proud Boys, while having ties to white nationalists groups, were not white nationalists, but were pro-Western Civilization.

“We can’t help that the West is white,” said Clint.

The men then marched in formation towards the airport chanting “Space Jews will not replace us!” and “Islam is a virus from outer space!”  When they reached the flag poles, the members started defecating in their clothes.  Clint ordered them to start reciting brands of breakfast cereal.  

Seconds later, a Martian Colonial battleship hovering over the airport de-cloaked.  The Proud Boys angrily waved their wooden sticks at it.  The word “Antifa” appeared on the craft before the crew fired a cognitive dissonance ray at the protesters.  The men fell to the ground screaming.

“These thoughts invaded my head,” said an unnamed Proud Boy.  “Like a black man pioneered blood banking and the Chinese invented gunpowder.  Then I started thinking that maybe Western Civilization was created by people of diverse backgrounds.”  He screamed.  “I’m sorry, those thoughts still cause me pain.”

After the attack, Clint ordered the Proud Boys to run away.  They were then arrested by the Bolingbrook Police.

“You can’t arrest us!”  shouted Clint.  “We’re trying to make America great again.  You’re supposed to protect us from Antifa.”

After the protesters showered, and a cleaning service washed their clothes, Mayor Roger Claar met with them.  According to sources, Claar said he would release them since he didn’t to “deal with the headache of Internet racists.”  He added that all the protesters were now banned from Bolingbrook, and would be arrested if they ever came back.

“I don’t care about the color of your skin.  I only care if you’re a resident or a foe.”

The Proud Boys refused to be interviewed after being released from jail.  One was overheard saying, “We should have gone to Washington.  They needed more people.”  An email to their website was not returned.

A receptionist for Claar said he was out of the office, and that there was already a line of people waiting for him.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts said, “Look at this Charlene.  I’m leading the Bolingbrook Politics poll to be the next Mayor of Bolingbrook.”

“You’re welcome,” said Charlene.

“Wait a minute.  You rigged the poll?”

“No.  I told my international friends about the poll and they jumped in to vote.  The proper term is pharyngulate.  They deserved it for running an unscientific online poll.”

“That wasn’t nice Charlene.  You’re an evil atheist.”

“I self-identify as amoral.  Anyway, it’s all part of my plan to make you the next mayor of Bolingbrook.  Just imagine all the tax dollars you could forward to the Bolingbrook STEM Association as mayor.”

“I don’t need your help, Charlene.  God is on my side, I was elected to DuPage Township, and I was mentored by Leroy Brown.”

“Oh please.  First, I wouldn’t mention the Dupage Township, if I were you.  Second, Leroy Brown was a nice guy.  I loved Leroy.  Roger loved Leroy.  Jackie loved Leroy.  How many terms did he serve as mayor?    Third, you won’t win the pity vote.  Michael Lawler wins that in a landslide.”

“Pity vote?”

“Yeah.  ‘We appointed Sheldon because he’s a nice guy.  Then Bolingbrook United beat him by running three candidates against him.  Then Bob said mean things about Sheldon when we appointed him again.  You should elect him as mayor because he deserves a participation trophy.’”

“Participation trophy?  That’s not what being the mayor is about.  You really are mean.”

“Yes, meanness is part of the job of the Covert Social Media Operative.  I’m just being honest with you, but I also want you to win, and I have a better plan to give you the victory you deserve.”

“I’m afraid to ask.”

“All you have to do is be your nice, pious self.  I will be working with my friend Igor to ensure your victory next year and in the 2021 election.  Once I explain to Igor that Montgomery, Alabama isn’t in Will County, he’ll create proper—”

“La!  La!  La!  I can’t hear you.  Jesus loves me.  STEM is good.  Bolingbrook is the best place to live in America!”

Also in the Babbler:

Rep. Roskam:  My pants aren’t on fire, lying Sun-Times!
Hidden Lakes Monster to get a tunnel to Whalon Lake
Wheaton refuses to lift the ban on black magic
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/15/18

Web Exclusive: Space Nazis canvas Illinois 3rd Congressional District for Arthur Jones (Fiction)

(Content notice:  Depictions of Nazis and racism)

Bethany, a resident of Brookfield, didn’t give a second thought when she heard the doorbell.  Looking through her peephole, she saw three men, whose bodies appeared to have been painted in white house paint, wearing white slacks and white polo shirts.

“What do you want?”  She asked.

“We are ordinary Volkswagens,” said one of the men.  “I mean Volks.  I mean people.  We are like you, only whiter.  We’re here to talk to you about the next sub-link, I mean orbiza, I mean congressman from this concentration, I mean the Third Congressional district. Arthur Jones.”

“Like all residents,” said another man, “He is a blue-blooded American.”  The man then pulled out a knife and cut himself.  Blue blood rushed out of the wound.

Bethany screamed and called 911.  She claims two Men in Blue walked up to her porch, cleaned up the blood, and told her not to tell any mainstream media outlets about what she saw.

“I guess the Babbler doesn’t count as a mainstream outlet,” she said.

Dozens of residents claim to have seen aliens canvasing the district for Jones, the Republican candidate for the district.  He is a former member of the American Nazi Party and a white supremacist.  His website and some of his flyers promote holocaust denialism.  Jones has been denounced by the Illinois Republican Party, including Governor Bruce Rauner.

Since Jones’s primary victory, space Nazis, and beings with similar beliefs, have tried to infiltrate the district and work for his campaign.

“He hasn’t raised any money on Earth,” said Joan Armstrong, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “We suspect all his campaign staff and volunteers are undocumented interstellar visitors.”

Joe, who asked that we not use his last name, also encountered what he claims was a Nazi from space.  According to Joe, he opened the door and saw a frail older man.  The man claimed he was the last surviving member of a lunar Nazi colony created by the Germans at the end of World War II.  

“I asked him why, if the Nazis had such advanced technology, they didn’t win. He said something about waiting for the right moment.  When cores of their atomic bombs expired, they still waited.  Even when they ran out of food and water, the leadership said it wasn’t the right moment.  He said Arthur Jones’s primary victory was that moment.”

Joe claims he punched the man, then called the police.  “I always wanted to punch a real Nazi.  I’ve known survivors of the Holocaust, and hitting him was the least I could do.  Of course, I could also become a member of the Skokie Holocaust Museum.  I could also forget about the mean things I said about Representative Dan Lipinski during the primary and vote for him.  Dan hates gay marriage, but he wouldn’t vote to kill us.”

Ruth, who asked that we not use her last name, believes she encountered aliens pretending to be white supremacists.  According to her, ten were on her front lawn holding Tiki Torches, and chanting, “Jews will not replace us.”  One of the alleged aliens walked up to her and said his name was Lukas.  “He said that the ‘yellow-pinkish race’ needed to stand up to the bankers living in the capital city of Elyakim.  I said I’d never heard of it.  Lukas said it was the ancient Jewish capitol.” 

Elyakim is the capitol city of one of the Interstellar Tribes of Israel.

Ruth claims that another alleged alien whispered to Lukas. Lukas then said he really meant Jerusalem and Israel.  Ruth said that she was Jewish, and thought the aliens in front of him were vile and evil.  Lukas replied they weren’t evil because they were being anti-semitic “ironically.” Ruth claims she sprayed mace at Lukas’s face, and his head melted like butter. Then the others ran off.  Headless, Lukas replied, “You ruined a perfectly good human suit.”

Armstrong said Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, at first, was able to capture most of the space Nazis that landed at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  When protesters took seized Clow UFO Base, it lost access to their anti-UFO interceptors and control of most of Bolingbrook’s anti-UFO weapons.  This, according to Armstrong, led to more alien Nazis entering the Third District to help Jones.

“We are doing our best to protect Chicagoland,” said Armstrong.  “But as long as there is hate in the galaxy, beings who want to feel superior, and leaders willing to exploit both qualities, there will always be a Nazi threat.”

In a fax to the Babbler, Jones insisted his staff was white and he couldn’t wait to fire up his oven.

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar said Claar could not comment because he was in the middle of a meeting:  “Don’t tell anyone, but Roger is meeting with a person who wants to do an invocation at the next meeting.”

In the background, a man said:  “May James Randi’s magic make this board skeptical of woo.  May the memory of Christopher Hitchens inspire the board to Hitchslap PZ Myers and his hoard of Islamist social justice warriors.  May Elizabeth Loftus teach the board to doubt their memories.  May Michael Shermer lead their thoughts to the secular promised land.  Reason.”

A man who sounded like Claar said, “I thought The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s prayers were supposed to be silly.”

“Oh, I’m not with them.  I’m a representative from the Sam Harris Dark Web.”

“That’s…all I need to know.”

Space Aliens to be evicted from Americana Estates (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Space aliens living in Bolingbrook’s Americana Estates subdivision received eviction notices from the Village of Bolingbrook.

“The village can no longer maintain the illusion that we own 46 vacant lots in an expensive subdivision,” said Joan Armstrong, a spokesperson for the Department of Interstellar Affairs.  We need to fill those lots with visible homes, and that is not consistent with housing our visitors.”  Armstrong added that Clow UFO Base will have more than enough space to house all alien visitors.

Though Clow UFO Base is currently under the control of aliens protesters, Armstrong insisted that the evictions were not a retaliatory response.

Zabz, president of the Americana Estates Interstellar Residents Association, disagreed:  “(Mayor Roger Claar) said we had to stop the protest or there would be consequences.  We have no control over the occupation.  That’s why we’re staying in our homes.  Now we have to leave.  Do you know what the penalty is for a visitor to be homeless?  Death!”

Golez, a 5-year resident, feels betrayed by Claar:  “He said he was going to move here, add android guards, and let us live here for the rest of our lives.  Everything he said was untrue!  I might have to hitchhike all the way to Hub 35 so I can get a ride home on a cargo ship.”

Sources close to opposition Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz claim he is working with the New World Order to secure homes for the displaced residents:

“I’m sure Peotone and Palatine would love to have our visitors,” said one anonymous source, who was referring to the bases that the NWO will start constructing this year.  “Honestly, Bob and I want all of our visitors to stay in Bolingbrook.  That’s not possible now.  We wouldn’t be in this mess if Roger had remained a loyal member of the NWO.  Instead, he had to join the Illuminati, and support Trump.  Now, look where we are.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was in an important meeting and could not be disturbed for a comment.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts said: “Charlene has been using the Bolingbrook STEM Association’s servers to make sock puppet accounts on Facebook.”

“I’m working on behalf of my client, Governor Rauner,” said Charlene.

“You were posting anti-Township propaganda in the Bolingbrook Politics group.”

“They’re such a waste of money and they drive up everyone’s property taxes.”

“You know I used to be a DuPage Township trustee, right?”

“I’m sorry, and now that you’re with us—”

“Charlene!” said a man who sounded like Claar.  “First of all, what is a sock puppet?”

“It’s an alternative persona.  I used several of them to persuade liberals and conservatives to unite against townships.  Let me demonstrate with this real sock puppet.  ‘I love Trump, I love corruption, and I love—’”

“I get the point,” Said the man who sounded like Claar.

“You’ve been naughty, Charlene,” said the man who sounded like Watts.  “The Bolingbrook First Party doesn’t need—”

“I got this, Sheldon.”

A few minutes later, the man who sounded like Claar said, “So you waged war against the DuPage Township?”

“Yes, and I also persuaded them to start reading Rauner’s alternative newspapers.  I explained that because there’s some truth in them, they’re just as valid as the so-called mainstream press.”

“That’s like saying because a broken clock is right twice a day, it’s just as valid as a working clock.”

“Huh?  Oh yeah.  That’s analog thinking.  I like it.”

“I guess that’s a compliment.  Anyway, they bought it?”

“Yes.”

“That’s impressive.  You’re still on my side, right?”

“Absolutely.  I’ve invested too much time and effort to back out now.”

“That’s good.  As you know, your parents made several donations to Heart Haven Outreach to pre-pay any fines I might have to impose on you.  I think it’s fair to use one, don’t you?”

“Yes.  Thank you.”

“Now, how do I get into the newspaper business?”

Also in the Babbler:

Former Representative Joe Walsh pranked by a space alien
Chicago scientists reject Michael Shermer’s application for immortality
Bolingbrook woman sees an image of James Randi at Meijer
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/18/18

Rochelle Reader: Rep. Roskam calls for nuking Bolingbrook during debate at UFO Base with Sean Casten (Fiction)

From time to time, we feature articles from our sister publications around the world.  This article is from the Rochelle Reader in Rochelle, IL.

By Reporter X

File photo of a Mushroom Cloud.

During an IL06 Congressional debate broadcast across the solar system, Representative Peter Roskam advocated nuking Bolingbrook. He called for this in response to the recent uprising at Clow UFO Base in Bolingbrook:

“Nuke it from orbit,” said Roskam in front of his audience at Hub 35 UFO Base in Rochelle, IL.  “It’s the only way to be sure.”  He added that he saw the movie, The Thing.  “When dealing with aliens, you have to be absolutely sure that you kill every one of them: Otherwise you end up with bad sequels.”

The audience, consisting of constituents who work either off-world or at UFO bases, gasped.

Sean Casten, Roskam’s Democratic opponent, dropped his jaw.  After a few seconds of silence, he attacked Roskam:  “You just seriously advocated for detonating a nuclear device in the middle of Chicagoland?”

“This is Sean being an extremist,” interrupted Roskam. “Sean is saying we shouldn’t use any nuclear weapons, and let our world be overrun by aliens.  Now I’m sure some of my colleagues would argue for using a hydrogen bomb to destroy all of Chicago.  Both sides are wrong.  We should take the moderate position of using a small device and checking the wind patterns before setting it off.  That will ensure that no real resident of the Illinois Sixth Congressional District is harmed.  We need sensible solutions, and I’m the only candidate in this race that will provide them.”

“People will still be killed, and the fallout will leave many areas uninhabitable for generations.  You’re in the middle of something,  but I don’t think it’s the middle of the Overton Window.”

“Lighten up,” replied Roskam.  “This is a science fiction convention.  Everyone here knows that the best part of a science fiction film is when the hero creatively uses explosives to solve a problem. Also, as a Congressman, you don’t think about other districts.  You only think about the interests of the ideal voter in your district.”

Casten then accused Roskam of having a  “deliberate ignorance” about the existence of UFOs, and of current federal interstellar policy:  “Peter, you know that as a member of Congress, you can attend the weekly UFO briefing.  Yet you have never attended any briefings.”

“What briefings?”

“They occur during the meeting of the House Appropriations Sub-subcommittee on Nail and Thumbtack Spending.”

“I can’t make those meetings.  That’s when I spend quality time alone with my maps.”

During the closing arguments, Casten stated that he didn’t agree with the takeover of Clow UFO Base, but did agree with the protesters that the US needs to change its immigration policies.  “I have a seven-point plan to reform immigration, and I will vote for the DREAM Act because the DACA recipients in our district are hard working and deserve a path to citizenship.”

Roskam then made science fiction, and fantasy comments during his closing statement:  “Like Jedi Spock Frodo said, ‘I am the last best hope for peace with Panem.’  The real residents know that I will bring Soylent Green to our district.  A congressman has a name, and it is Peter Roskam!” He then laughed.

Joel, a resident of this district who works on Venus, said he was still undecided: “On the one hand, Peter Roskam removed SALT— which means I can’t deduct the taxes I paid on Venus-which may mean I can’t afford to work off-world.  Do you know how expensive air conditioning is on Venus?  On the other hand, Sean did say that Peter shouldn’t be our congressman, which is kind of uncivil.  It’s a hard choice to make.  Sean is a scientist, a businessperson, and a former Clow employee.  Peter is Peter.  What can I say?”

Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs released a statement after the debate: “Bolingbrook is in no danger because the Bolingbrook First party donated $1000 to Rep. Peter Roskam’s campaign.  He’s just saying what he needs to say to get elected.  We’re sure that once he is reelected, he will vote the way his donors want him to vote.”

Also in the Babbler:

Russian bots attack Bolingbrook Facebook groups
Aliens release immigrant children from Clow UFO Base
Bolingbrook United says it will only run human candidates
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/13/18

Web Exclusive: Space Force defeated by Bolingbrook’s fireworks (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The US Space Force’s first operation ended in disaster over Bolingbrook. A space glider was struck by fireworks during Bolingbrook’s All American Celebration. Fifty space marines were injured when the shuttle crashed in the backyard of a Farmstead Lane residence.

Judith, who asked that we not use her real name, saw the shuttle crash:  “A bunch of colorful fireworks went off, then I saw a blue flash and heard a loud boom.  Then I saw a fiery streak in the sky.  I thought maybe a firework hit a drone.  Then I realized that it was moving towards my neighborhood, and it was much bigger than a drone.”

Bob, who also asked that we not use his real name, said the shuttle crashed in his neighbor’s backyard:  “I heard a loud boom, which wasn’t unusual for the day.  My kitchen windows shattering, that was unusual.  I ran outside and saw this black space shuttle lying in a crater.  At first, I wondered if it was a Space ISIS craft, then I saw the words ‘USSF Trump’ printed on the side.  It was one of ours.”

According to anonymous sources within Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs, the US Space Force’s shuttle was transporting special forces soldiers. They were on a mission to recapture Clow UFO Base from alien protesters currently occupying the base.  The shuttle was supposed to land at Clow Airport but was diverted to the Bolingbrook Golf Club on orders from President Donald Trump.

“Apparently, Donald still remembers the fundraiser (Mayor Roger Claar) held for him there,” said one anonymous source.

Other sources described Mayor Roger Claar’s teleconference with Trump.  After wasting several minutes trying to provide the details of the accident, Claar tore off two pieces of paper from his notebook.  He wrote on the first piece of paper and held it up to the camera:.

“This is the number 50,” said Claar.

“That’s a good number,” replied Trump.

“That was the number of combat-ready troops at the start of this mission.”

“They’re killers.  All of them.”

Claar then wrote on the second piece of paper, then held it up to the camera.

“This is the number zero.”

“I like paying zero taxes.”

“Me too, but this is also the number of combat-ready troops after the mission.”

“I sent you over a thousand!  What happened to them?”

“I don’t know about the other 950, but I know 50 were taken out when you ordered their shuttle to fly into our fireworks display.  Why?  We secured a flight path to keep the shuttle away from the fireworks.”

“My generals said, ‘Sir!  We have to follow this flight path.’ I said the smart—”

“I don’t care!  Just send more troops.  Your mistake set my plans back a month!”

“I was going to send you a million troops, but you were uncivil to me.  I don’t make mistakes.  I’m smart.  Say that again, and you’ll face a primary challenge.”

“Yes.  I am still a Republican and I am obligated to support you no matter what you may say, do, or tweet.”

“Yes, what?”

“Yes… Sir!”

“That’s better.  Now, move your golf club closer to the airport before my next fundraiser.  Did I tell you I’m going to be building a space wall and making the aliens pay for it?”

The soldiers are currently staying in a secret wing of Adventist Bolingbrook Hospital. They are expected to make a full recovery.

The White House released a statement saying they could not confirm nor deny the presence of military operatives in Bolingbrook.

Space aliens capture Clow UFO Base and demand fair treatment for immigrants (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs announced that it had evacuated all humans from Clow UFO Base.  The move follows a week of protests by aliens against US Immigration policy, some of which became violent.

“As a precautionary measure, we have closed Clow UFO Base and sealed the access points,” said spokesperson Joan Armstrong.  “Clow Airport is still open. There is no danger at this time to the residents of Bolingbrook.  Though some aliens are stealing supplies from the airport.”

Armstrong added that residents should prepare themselves for the possible declaration of a “state of minor annoyance,” but did not state what that would involve.

“If we told you, then you would tell everyone, including the foes of Bolingbrook.  We need to keep the foes of Bolingbrook off-guard.  We ask the residents to trust that (Mayor Roger Claar) will act in the best interest of the real residents of Bolingbrook.”

The Coalition for the Respectful Treatment of Sentient Beings, which claims to represent the protesters, released a statement claiming that they had full control of Clow UFO Base:  “This weekend, we stand in solidarity with the thousands of human protesters fighting for immigrant rights.  We, too, oppose the forced separation of families, and indefinite family detention.  Human leaders say they want to someday immigrate to our planets.  Our reply is simple.  Don’t immigrate to our worlds until you fix your immigration policies first.”

Claar refused to give an interview, but the Department of Interstellar Affairs did release the following statement from him:  “Invaders have disrupted operations at Clow UFO Base.  Even though the Interstellar Commonwealth and the Illuminati partially own Clow, it is ultimately my base!  I have nothing to do with US immigration policy or immigration policy in Hungary, Denmark or Italy. These are not innocent protesters.  These are operatives working under the direction of the New World Order, hostile interstellar powers, and the Bolingbrook United Party.  They will be defeated, and the Illuminati will help me to retake Clow.  All foes must show me complete civility by next week, or be destroyed! Ford!”

Armstrong also blamed Representative Bill Foster for the situation at Clow UFO Base:  “Representative Foster’s irresponsible statements regarding immigration have inspired the criminals responsible for the disruption of operations. We need more Congressmen likeRepresentativee Peter Roskam who will keep the government out of interstellar affairs.  His willful ignorance of the existence of aliens is refreshing, and we hope will inspire real Americans to build a Red Seawall to stop the Blue Wave!”

A spokesperson for Foster laughed before ending the call.

In a video chat, an intern for the Roskam campaign denied that the Congressman was willfully ignorant of aliens:  “Peter wants solutions to real problems.  Space aliens aren’t a real problem for the residents of the Sixth District.  In fact, Peter is about to talk to the third constituent he’s met during this campaign.  This is history!”

The camera then focused on Roskam knocking on a door.  A young woman opened the door.

“Hello,” said Roskam.  “I am Representative Peter Roskam, and I am running for re-election.  I love maps, and this map says you live in a Bernie Sanders Household.  Like Bernie, I don’t like the Clinton-controlled Democrat Party.  I too want to replace Obamacare.  Sean Casten supports Obamacare.  Don’t you think this means he’s a secret Crooked Hillary supporter?”

The woman turned her head inside and yelled, “Guess who finally showed up?”

Another woman walked up to the doorway.  “Peter,” she cried.  “You finally came!”

“Do I know you?”

“I’m Amanda Howland.  I ran against you in 2016.  Now that you’re here, we can finally have our debate!”

Roskam ran away and pulled out his cell phone.  Howland ran after him.

“You’re not getting out of our debate this time!”

Also in the Babbler:

Local super-villans celebrate the closure of Villains and Heroes Academy
Mayor Claar promises not to ban Internet comments about the board meetings
Sean Casten meets with paranormal believers in Palatine
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/6/18