Aliens charged with dumping a whale carcass on the Bolingbrook Golf Club (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Three aliens were arrested and charged with dropping a blue whale carcass near the Sixth hole of the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

“Bolingbrook is not a dumping ground,” said Peter. Z. Louis, a prosecutor representing Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “I will do all that I can to dump this criminal crew in the darkest, coldest cell on Pluto!”

Matt, who asked that we not use his last name, said he witnessed the whale’s impact:

“I was waiting for my food when I saw this blob in the sky.  I left my coat at the table and ran outside to take a look.  Af first I thought it was one of those UFOs that I always hear about in Bolingbrook.  Then I realized it was a falling whale.  Well, let’s just say I will never think of the term, ‘Bolingbrook Bounce’ the same way again!”

The aliens pleaded not guilty and asked to be represented by Bolingbrook attorney Joe Giamanco.  The judge informed them that Giamanco was not licensed to practice interstellar law, and assigned an attorney for them.

“My clients were framed!” said Jenny Z. Guzman, the lawyer for the crew.  “I will prove in court that they were working under the direction of Mayor Roger Claar.  He wanted a whale meat buffet and asked my clients to deliver a dead whale to the golf club.  There was a slight misunderstanding, and that’s why the whale was delivered to the wrong location.  I will also not tolerate jokes about Improbability Drives!”

Guzman insisted the whale was dead when the aliens found it in the ocean.

The New World Order wants to question the crew members regarding a whale that was found in the Amazon. 

A receptionist for Mayor Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed:

“The Bolingbrook S.T.E.M. association just held a demonstration for us, and Michael Carpanzano was the MC.  Can you tell that Bolingbrook Politics lady that it was not a political event?”

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer,  said: “What were you thinking when you posted those pictures in Bolingbrook Politics?”

“I have no idea what you are talking about,” said a man who sounded like Carpanzano.

“That’s not what my Channer friends are telling me.”

“You trust your Chinese friends more than you trust me, whom people describe as a community leader?”

“The point is, if I can figure it out, others can figure it out.”

“You’re so negative Charlene, and we don’t do negative in Bolingbrook.  So let’s say I did post photos of myself at the Trump fundraiser in Bolingbrook using a fake account.  I would have done it to trigger the Bolingbrook United members and make them look bad— Thus ensuring victory for the First Party for Bolingbrook.”

“That’s brilliant!” said the woman.  “It’s such a brilliant idea that it looped into (ableist comment deleted)!”

“Don’t make me do it!”

“Hear me out Mr. I Promoted a Tax Increase as a Tax Cut.  Your plan might have worked in 2017, but that was before the criminal investigations of Trump.  The optics are terrible.  You look like a teenage fan of a corrupt politician, while Bolingbrook United gets to brag about canvassing neighborhoods with the Bolingbrook police union!  And you undermined our latest rebranding flyer.  Now Maripat can cry, ‘Boo Hoo!  That flyer crossing out the Bolingbrook First name was so mean, but what do you expect from a bunch of self-identified Trump Republicans?’”

“I don’t have time for your immaturity,” said the man. “You are carped!”

“I counter with my Alligator Gar!”

The man screamed in horror.

The woman continued: “Leave the fake accounts to me, and I’ll leave the virtue signaling to you.”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar campaigns on Venus for the First Party for Bolingbrook
Clow UFO Base unions endorse Bolingbrook United
Post-modernists of Bolingbrook endorse Bolingbrook First
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/13/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Web Exclusive: Palatine police arrest their first alien (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Months after the opening of Rob Sherman UFO Base, the Palatine Police Department arrested their first alien.  The department made the announcement during a press conference with members of the interstellar press:

“We know most of the aliens visiting Palatine are decent interstellar citizens,” Said Sheila Z. Blake, the head of the Interstellar Division.  “But today, we sent a message to the fallen stars.  If you break the law in Palatine, you will be arrested, and you will be turned over to the New World Order.  Oh, and the Bill of Rights does not apply to alien criminals.”

According to Blake, an unnamed alien was in the middle of breaking into a car when the owner spotted it.  The alien oozed into the car then drove it away.

Officer Sasha was the first to answer the call:  “I’d just finished our alien training session when my supervisor told me to arrest this alien.  I asked if it was a test.  She said there was no time for a test.  I was nervous, but I knew I had taken good notes.”

The police chased the alien around Palatine for about an hour before it crashed the car on Rand Rd.  It ran into the Foxfire Condominium complex, where officers finally cornered it.

“Even though my partner screwed up the taser net deployment,” said Sasha, “We were able to capture the alien alive.  When we asked him why he stole a car when he had access to more advanced spacecraft, he just asked for a lawyer.  I guess alleged criminals are the same across the galaxy.”

Blake said that the alien is in a “secure facility.”  She added that the division is looking for an alien, disguised as a man, who has been spotted knocking on people’s doors and looking inside their mailboxes.

“We hope this alien is just confused about local customs, but if not, we are ready to deal with it.”

During the conference, Palatine Mayor Jim Schwantz entered the room.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

Blake replied: “I am holding a press conference with members of the interstellar media, your honor.”

Schwantz laughed.  “You can’t fool a Fremd graduate.  You’re holding a costume party.”

“I can’t fool you, your honor.  Yes, we are celebrating Star Trek: Discovery’s renewal.  Everyone here is off duty, and you’ll see that I paid the rental fee for this room.”

“Carry on then.”

Schwantz left.  

“That was close,” said Sasha.

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Anti-vaccination alien terrorists spotted in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

By Reporter X

A still from a video of an alien anti-vaccination terrorist leaderBolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs is warning residents about a possible alien anti-vaccination terrorist cell operating in Bolingbrook.

Louis X. Peterseim, spokesperson for the department said: “If you so much as hear someone use ‘Jenny McCarthy’ and ‘vaccines’ in the same sentence, let us know.  Washington State wasn’t prepared, and now they have a measles epidemic.  Bolingbrook will not make that same mistake.”

According to the department, three members of the anti-vaccination terrorist group KuKPu’K were arrested. KuKPu’K operatives infiltrate civilizations and spread anti-vaccination propaganda.  Once a civilization loses herd immunity, the operatives release once preventable diseases into the general population.  Experts from the Interstellar Commonwealth’s law enforcement branch believe that over 20 civilizations have been destroyed by KuKPu’K.

“We understand that parenting is scary,” said Peterseim.  “We know that some vaccines have risks, but the benefits of vaccinating your children far outweigh the dangers.”

Peterseim and others in the department also insisted that the claim that vaccines cause autism is fake news.  

According to propaganda released by KuKPu’K, they are not opposed to vaccines, but are opposed to the spread of “gullible civilizations.”  

In one holovideo, a masked leader said, “Any civilization that is willing to let fear triumph over science and reason is not a civilization worthy of reproducing.  We are not infecting innocent children.  Their parents infected them by refusing to vaccinate their children.”

The department also urges all Bolingbrook residents to stay on a vaccine schedule not only for health benefits but to send a message to KuKPu’K:

“Jenny McCarthy and Robert F. Kennedy Jr. are not typical humans.  KuKPu’K may have fooled them, but they cannot fool the average Bolingbrook resident.  The best way to fight interstellar terrorism is to vaccinate your children and yourself!”

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar said she was busy and could not be disturbed.  She also said she believed that Claar fully supports vaccinations:

“Of course he does.  You know, he did earn his PhD., with a dissertation.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “So, Charline, what is your plan to destroy bolingbrookpolitics.com once and for all?”

“Oh, you’re going to love this.  First, I will use my sock puppets to tell them that you were seen on the Jumbotron during a Blackhawks game with a younger woman.  (Site owner Jason Cann) will publish the story even though we know that you would never do anything like that.  When he—Why are you giving me that look?”

Also in the Babbler:

New World Order fears losing DuPage Township to the Illuminati
Wereskunks threaten to endorse Maripat Oliver unless Claar meets their demands
Aliens call ‘Hellier’ documentary a ‘brilliant human comedy’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/14/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Web Exclusive: Frozen alien de-thawed by doctors at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Clow UFO Base’s medical staff successfully revived a frozen alien days after its human suit malfunctioned during the recent arctic cold blast.

UFO“This is why Clow is under a Nuclear Winter Level Alert,” said James Z. Clarkson, one of the staff doctors who treated the alien.  “Human suits are only designed to operate in normal human environments.  This week was not normal!  She is lucky to be alive, and, more importantly, she’s lucky (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) is not in charge.”

Clow officials would not release the alien’s name but did say she was from Venus and her suit’s heater and pressure regulator had malfunctioned.  The temperature in her suit dropped from 864 Fahrenheit to sub-zero.  The doctors say she survived because her suit injected a preservative into her, and she was found in time.

“One more day and she would have been dead,” said Clarkson.

Other anonymous sources say that when she woke up, her first question was: “Did I miss the drama?”  When pressed for more information, she said she has no other memory of the night she left Clow UFO Base.

Based on where her body was found, it is suspected that she was on her way to the special DuPage Township meeting happening that night.

“No government meeting is worth risking your life for,” said one of the sources.  “I don’t even know if anything dramatic happened at that meeting.”

When called, a receptionist said she was busy fulfilling a FOIA request from “those annoying guys from Edgar County.

In the background, a man said, “I finally finished my research into appointing supervisors.  They were right.  (Trustee Ken Burgess) needed to resign before the board could appoint him.

“Drat!” said a woman who sounded like Township Trustee Maripat Oliver.  “How could they be right, and (Former Township Supervisor William Mayer) be wrong?”

“I don’t know.  You do know what they say about broken clocks?”

“Whatever.  Hey, I just thought of something.  These Edgar County dogs are outsiders, and they’re trying to influence the (Bolingbrook Consolidated Election) so Roger’s candidates win.”

“I guess.”

“It’s collusion!  Just like what the Russians are doing.  Alyssia Benford is the puppet of outsiders, and that’s collusion, right?”

“I wouldn’t say that.  There are many issues to consider.”

“But we could investigate just to be sure, right?”

“Maybe.  I don’t think there are any laws against a township conducting—” 

“And ban their website until the investigation is over, right?”

After a long pause, the man said, “It might be possible since the Constitution doesn’t mention Townships specifically.  But your best option is to wait until I can research this—”

“My other option is to just do it, right?”

“Right, but it might not—”

“I’ll get to work on the subpoena for Jeanne Ives!  She’s in on this, I know! And don’t worry, we won’t spend any general assistance funds on this.”

“Still, you might want to proceed with caution—”

“Nonsense!  It’s better to seek forgiveness than to ask for permission!  I’m setting the controls for the heart of the sun!” 

Note: This is a work of fiction.

New World Order opens UFO bases in Palatine and Peotone (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The New World Order officially opened its Palatine and Peotone UFO Bases over the weekend.  The two bases will compete with Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, which was controlled by the Illuminati, and is currently being administered by the Interstellar Commonwealth.

Select local residents and political leaders celebrated as the first cargo of computer chips landed at Peotone UFO Base.

“I’m so happy,” said Village Clark Donna Werner.  “To paraphrase Carol Burnett, – It’s like giving birth after being pregnant for 51 years— and the baby is beautiful!”

Will County Executive Larry Walsh spoke briefly at the opening:

“I love talking about how Will County is now the gateway to the stars.  First, though, I have to address the most pressing concern of our residents:  How will this new UFO base affect their property taxes?  Thanks to the fees that will be generated by this base, we will now have the option to reduce your property taxes.  We are so fortunate to be able to collect revenue from two UFO bases.”

Will County Board member Jackie Traynere praised the opening of the base, but expressed hope that the conflict between the New World Order and the Illuminati would end soon:

“Someday, I hope someday, we can merge Clow and Peotone UFO bases.  If that happens, then both communities will be the home of the largest UFO base on Earth, period.”

Clow UFO Base is currently the largest urban UFO base in the world.

In Palatine, the New World Order held a grand opening party at the Park Place Shopping Center.  The seemly abandoned mall is actually one of the control centers for the base.

Village Manager Reid Ottesen thanked the New World Order for selecting Palatine, but said he still objected to the name of the base:

“Did you really have to call it the Rob Sherman UFO Base?  He’s the reason we don’t have a village seal.”

“He was our best operative in this area,” replied Thomas Xavier, the New World Order’s Administrator for Illinois.

“Why not name it after our best writer, Frederik Pohl?”

“More of our alien visitors remember Rob’s debate with the Space Pope than have read any of his books.”

“That’s sad.”

Ottesen then reminded the audience that Mayor Jim Schwantz, and every other Cook County political leader, was not aware of the base.  

“That’s another bad idea, but our village really needs the money, so I can’t complain too much.”

“I don’t care if someone is a member of the Democratic or Republican Party,” replied Xavier.    A Cook County politician is a Cook County politician.  As long as you keep them away from our base, we will reward your village.”

Representative Sean Casten, who lives in DuPage County, thanked the New World Order for paying the salaries of Federal Workers at Sherman UFO Base during the Federal Government shutdown.  He also reflected on his time as an employee at Clow UFO Base. Then, he apologized to the aliens in the audience:

“This not our country’s finest moment.  This is not our species finest moment.  We are divided, and our planet is in danger of overheating.  I hope that in this moment, good people will stand up and do what is right for our planet, and my district.  Please give us a chance to prove ourselves worthy of membership in the Interstellar Commonwealth.”

Schwantz arrived near the end of the celebration.  He was told that he was attending a costume party to celebrate the new businesses planned for the mall.  He complimented aliens for their “great costume designs” then gave a brief speech:

“Palatine is a great community,” he said.  “So I hope the owners don’t have any secrets to hide.”

The crowd gasped.  

“Relax.  I was just referring to that one Indian Restaurant that had a secret Mexican restaurant inside.  I still can’t figure that one out.”

Xavier mumbled something about the closing of a New World Order affiliated facility.

“Anyway, I’m sorry we can’t watch a Bears game this weekend but do say welcome to the community.  I can’t wait to see what you’re going to do with this mall.  I’m guessing one of the new businesses is going to be a costume shop.”

“Sure,” replied Xavier.  “That’s the plan.”

A member of the Interstellar Tribes of Israel, who asked not to be named, said he was looking forward to visiting Palatine:  

“Now I can attend Kol Hadash and Beth Chaverim services and not deal with the long car drive from Bolingbrook.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar called the two bases, “Pale imitations of Clow that will go out of business within a year.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook survives another Russian snow attack
Trustee Maripat Oliver says her campaign website is unfinished, not proof of a split-personality
Weredeer endorse the First Party for Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/15/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Tensions flare at the Clow UFO Base Village Trustee Candidates’ Forum

By Reporter X

Heated arguments and a candidate’s expulsion highlighted the Bolingbrook Village Trustee candidates’ forum at Clow UFO Base. Some say it was the first and possibly only such forum.

“We probably shouldn’t have held the debate in the middle of the petition challenge segment of the campaign,” said Acting Administrator Aplodoxage Glomox.  “But it was the only time the stadium was available.  This is an important debate because one of these parties, or a coalition of parties, could end up controlling the village board.  That means when the Interstellar Commonwealth returns Clow UFO Base to Bolingbrook, the winning party will control this base.”

The debate started with the moderator explaining political debates as “a traditional human game of rhetorical wordplay and logical fallacies disguised as public policy inquiry.”  The moderator said they would forgo the traditional speech about the audience remaining silent because, “Human politics is a participation sport.”  All three parties, Bolingbrook First, Bolingbrook United, and First Party for Bolingbrook, had cheerleaders in the audience.

The candidates introduced themselves, though First Party candidate Mary Alexander-Basta’s intro was awkward:  “Hi.  My name is insert name here.  I’m running for Bolingbrook Village Trustee because I care.  List the things you care about in Bolingbrook.  Mention your work with the Bolingbrook Stem Association.  If you care about Bolingbrook, then take care to vote for me.”

First Party candidate and Village Trustee Sheldon Watts replied, “That was the template you were supposed to use to write your speech.”

“Oh.  I’m sorry.  I thought it was some kind of alien introduction.  I just found out that UFOs were real a few weeks ago.”

After the introductions, the moderator asked Bolingbrook United candidate Jaime Olson about her community work.  She talked about being a girl scout leader, and the creator of the Bolingbrook Events Facebook group.

First Party candidate Michale Carpanzano replied:  “Did you hear that?  Silence.  Minutes of silence.  She has done nothing for Bolingbrook, while I am the Patch Mayor of Bolingbrook and as a Mayor, I mean as a trustee, I will do more to promote Roger than any other trustee in history.”

“Wow,” said Olson.  “I didn’t realize you blocked people offline as well as on Facebook.”

“She couldn’t answer me!  She doesn’t care.  I do. Vote for me.”

A large portion of the debate then turned into an argument between the First Party candidates and Bolingbrook First candidate Maripat Oliver.  Oliver claimed that she was defending the legacy of the Bolingbrook First.

“All residents are for Bolingbrook, but we are the only party that puts Bolingbrook First.  Just look at our membership.  Trustee Rick Morales has the most votes against Roger of all the sitting trustees.  Why?  Because he puts Bolingbrook first.  (Village Clerk Carol Penning) puts Bolingbrook First, and she has a copy of our sticker on her desk.  Not a First Party for Bolingbrook sticker.  A Bolingbrook First sticker!  Even though Roger quit our party, she’s defiantly showing her support for Bolingbrook First.  I have a message for Carol: Hang in there sister.  Help is on the way.”

The First Party candidates countered that she stole the “Bolingbrook First” name.

“Roger is Bolingbrook,” said Watts.  “He’s the reason Bolingbrook is the best place to live in America.  Any party that Roger isn’t a member of doesn’t care about Bolingbrook. You’re just trying to confuse voters.  The Edgar County Watchdogs say your complaint is without merit.”

“I can’t believe you’re putting downstate Illuminati agitators before the interests of Bolingbrook,” replied Oliver.  “The law says a new party cannot include the name of any established party in their name.  Your party’s name includes a ‘First’ and a ‘Bolingbrook.’  The law doesn’t specify what order the words have to be in.  It just says you can’t have those words in your name.”  Oliver later said, “None of you complained when we kicked Bonnie off the ballot or rejected a petition to elect trustees by districts.  I am continuing the Bolingbrook First party tradition of making sure that we only face worthy challengers.  Each of you decided to form a new party rather than face me in a primary.  Do you thank that makes any of you worthy challengers?”

Carpanzano yelled at Oliver that she shouldn’t question his worthiness to run for office:  “I saved the Bolingbrook Park District by passing off a tax increase as a tax cut.  I created the Bolingbrook Events Facebook page.  The only online hub for Bolingbrook events!  I have done more to promote Bolingbrook than you ever will.  That alone qualifies me to be the mayor—I mean a trustee!”

When the moderator asked Carpanzano to be quiet, Carpanzano pulled a rubber carp out of his pocket and held it up towards the moderator.

“Carping the moderator is against debate rules.  You will un-carp me at once.”

Carpanzano kept yelling at Oliver.  The moderator ordered Carpanzano removed from Clow.  Four guards picked him up and carried him away.  As he was carried away, Carpanzano waved his rubber carp at the audience.

“You can’t remove me!  I’m Michael Carpanzano!  I thought there was intelligent life beyond Bolingbrook.  I was wrong!”

After Carpanzano’s removal, the moderator asked why Bolingbrook United hadn’t published a party platform.  Bolingbrook United candidate Ajaz Gill replied that their platforms would be posted on their website soon.  He then announced that if elected, the Bolingbrook United candidates would work to create an ethics committee to oversee alien abductions in Bolingbrook:

“Right now all aliens have to do is pay a fee and they can abduct any resident that isn’t on the restricted list.  That has to end.  Bolingbrook United wants to ensure that all alien experiments conducted in Bolingbrook are ethical and respect the dignity of all residents.”

Watts shook his head.  “That sounds like something a Cook County member of the New World Order would say.  As I’ve said before, and I will say it again, we need to elect trustees who won’t push divisive secret society politics in Bolingbrook. Because I care about important local issues.”

“I have a question,” asked Bolingbrook United candidate Terri Ransom.  “If your party, whatever you want to call it, is so focused on local issues, why does it make donations to candidates outside of Bolingbrook?  Especially this donation to former Representative Peter Roskam?  You do realize that Bolingbrook isn’t in the Sixth Congressional District?”

Watts put is fingers in his ears and said, “La!  La!  La!  I can’t hear you.  Jesus loves me!  STEM is good!”

After the debate, each party had representatives try to spin coverage of the debate in their favor.

“Look,” said Claar.  “Michael apologized for insulting most of humanity and every other spacefaring race in the galaxy.  What more do you want?”

Village Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz and Bolingbrook United member said, “Our candidates showed our visitors that we will bring fresh ideas and new energy into Village Hall.”

DuPage Township Supervisor William Mayer spoke in support of Oliver:  “I think Maripat sent a clear message to Roger that you do not mess with the award-winning slate and not pay a price.  I call on Roger to end his war against our township and to send his dogs back to Edgar County.”

Also in the Babbler:

Peotone and Palatine UFO bases to open this week
Russians deny responsibility for the local heat wave
Interstellar Commonwealth to pay salaries of federal workers at Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/10/19 

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

From the webmaster: Our top ten most popular stories of 2018 (Fiction)

By Wendy Ononfrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

File photo of former CSI feline fellow Cassie.

Before we say goodbye to 2018, I thought it would be fun to look back at our most popular stories this year:

10)Acting Clow UFO Base administrator considers accepting transgender refugees The last we heard, a decision is still pending.
9)Illuminati honors Qanon at the Bolingbrook Golf Club She’s still going strong in some corners of the Internet.
8)From the webmaster: Bolingbrook Pride to host ‘Pride Picnic and Puppies’ on June 10 The next event is planned for June 2019 at Village Hall.
7) Village Board celebrates the opening of ‘troll farm’ in Bolingbrook They’re still in business and we can expect to see their work during the 2019 campaign.
6) Mayor Claar defiant as Clow UFO Base reopens Roger may not control Clow UFO Base currently, but he might after the April election.
5) Anonymous Sources: Rogue Township trustees set fire to IKEA solar panel The war between the Illuminati and the New World Order reached the DuPage Township.  Allegiances may have changed since this story was published, but the fighting rages on. Even the Edgar County Watchdogs, rumored to be Illuminati operatives, have joined the fight.
4) Center for Inquiry responds to harassment allegations against Lawrence Krauss by firing its feline fellows This one has kind of a happy ending. Krauss will retire in 2019 and the cats are enjoying their new home at the American Humanist Association.
3) The Roger Claar Party launches the first attack ad against the First Party for Bolingbrook The 2019 campaign is off to a negative start with a bold attack ad by the Roger Claar Party, which isn’t affiliated with Mayor Roger Claar.
2) Amid controversy, Joshie Berger opens a restaurant at Clow UFO Base It was closed during the uprising at Clow UFO Base, but it is now open again. Though it is not as popular as the WeatherTech restaurants.

And the number one story:

1) Illuminati honors Professor Jordan Peterson The Bolingbrook Golf Club was the place to be if you were a member of the Illuminati.

 

Just asking questions about Thanksgiving (Fiction)

We hope all our readers will enjoy celebrating or protesting this Thanksgiving holiday season.  We’re giving our staff the rest of this week off, and leave all of you with this video by columnist Dale Onofrey.  He’s just asking questions about the official history of Thanksgiving.

Note:  This is a work of fiction.

Mayor Claar leads delegation to Bolingbrook’s sister planet (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Mayor Roger Claar visited Bolingbrook’s sister planet, Bogingabook, to mark the twentieth anniversary of their sisterhood agreement.

Crystal alien addressing an audience.

File photo of a resident of Bolingbrook’s sister planet.

“When I first heard that there was a planet with a name similar to Bolingbrook,” said Claar to the interstellar press corps, “It was as if the universe was telling me to make them a sister community to Bolingbrook.”

Claar also told the press that neither tax dollars, nor the village’s covert funds, were used to pay for the trip:  “I used my interstellar campaign fund to pay for this delegation.  There are constituents on this planet that I’d like to meet, and we have other campaign business to conduct…And no, it does not involve abducting residents and brainwashing them into voting for the Bolingbrook First Party!”

Trustee Sheldon Watts, who is running for reelection in 2019, recorded part of a campaign ad on Bogingabook:

“I love STEM and I love Bolingbrook,” said Watts, reading his lines.  “Not only was I mentored by Leroy Brown, but I’m also a nice guy.  I deserve your vote for Trustee in this election, and I am determined to do whatever it takes to make you vote for me.  I might even host a surprise event at your favorite restaurant, or canvass your home.  Whatever it takes to win, I will do, because this nice guy doesn’t believe in finishing last.”

Trustee Deresa Hoogland read Bolingbrook’s community announcements before an excited audience of 100,000 fans.

“You are the best silicon-based beings I have ever had the pleasure of reading to,” said Hoogland.  After minutes of cheering, she announced that she was not running for re-election.  “I understand that my true calling in life is to tour the Milky Way and read announcements. I love all of you!”

“We love you too,” replied one audience member.  “In a non-mating way!”

The delegation also visited a reception with the political leaders of Bogingabook.  While leaders and delegation members gave speeches full of pleasantries, there was some tension when Claar introduced himself to the son of Bogingabook’s former ambassador, Conlosi:

“Hello,” Claar said to Conlosi.  “Did you know that your father plagiarized Star Trek when he called my residents ‘ugly bags of water?’”

“It’s not plagiarism if it is a statement of fact,” replied Conlosi.  Humans are up to 60% water and are undeniably ugly to us.  Besides, did you know that your offspring insulted my father?”

“My daughter didn’t insult your father,” replied Claar.  “She objectively pointed out that your father’s crystal brain was pretty, and I still agree with her.”

“If my father were still alive,” said Conlosi, “He would try to kill you for saying that.  Fortunately for you, my culture underwent a great gender revolution, and we are no longer obsessed with our reproductive appendages.  So I will make you feel better by imitating the sound that you call laughter.”

“Actually,” said Claar.  “I would feel more at ease if I made a small donation to your favorite interstellar charity.”

Claar then transferred credits to the charity.

“Where are your other trustee candidates,” asked Conlosi.

“They’re still getting their security clearances from the Illuminati.  It’s an expensive process, but we’ll work it out in the end.”

“Impressive!  You had a great expense but still donated money to my charity.  I must repay you by making a large donation to your interstellar campaign fund.”

“You don’t have to.”

“But I insist.”

Claar accepted the donation.  Later he spoke with Watts:  “Sheldon, sisters communities are just like real sisters.  Some days they want to kill you.  Other days they love you as if you mean the world to them.”

Also in the Babbler:

Residents concerned as Venus citizens buy Bolingbrook homes
Palatine’s Mayor still in the dark about new UFO Base
Claar begs President Trump not to impose tariffs on Interstellar Commonwealth
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/22/18

Web Exclusive: ‘Where’s my (expletive deleted) coup?’: A Babbler post-election special report (Fiction)

The following stories are from our team of reporters covering the 2018 mid-term elections:

Illuminati forsakes Mayor Roger Claar

When the Illuminati’s expected coup didn’t happen on election night, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar called the Illuminati’s Inner Circle during his watch party.

“Where’s my (expletive deleted) coup?” Claar yelled.  “You promised me a coup, and I promised Alyssia Benford she would be appointed to the emergency Illinois legislature!  What do you mean you canceled it?”

According to sources within the Illuminati, the Inner Circle canceled their coup plans due to resistance from the New World Order, and the belief that they could create more chaos with a Democratic-controlled House and a Republican-controlled Senate.

“We like Roger,” said an Illuminati leader who asked remain anonymous.  “He did give us Clow UFO Base.  However, we’re not in the business of rewarding our allies.  We’re in the business of creating global chaos that we can exploit.  The voters in the United States presented us with an opportunity, and we decided to exploit it.”

Other Illuminati leaders agreed and added that they were delighted with Benford’s efforts to disrupt the DuPage Township.

“She does have a future in the Illuminati,” said another anonymous leader.  “Maybe after she finishes destroying the Township we can find a new opportunity for her.  As for Roger, we think this election will provide him with plenty of opportunities to slam Democrats.  He should be happy that he can now attack the County Clerk, Treasurer, and Sheriff as well as Commissioner Jackie Traynere.”

Benford refused to be interviewed unless she wrote the article.  The Babbler rejected her request.

This reporter also heard one of Claar’s allies offer a solution to the Republican’s losses in Will County:

“The Republicans have held the Clerk’s office for 80 years.  Therefore we still hold the office and (County Clerk-elect Lauren Staley-Ferry) is trying to steal it—”

“Shut-up!” snapped Claar.  “And learn about the Genetic Fallacy!

Aliens celebrate Sean Casten’s US House victory

by Reporter X

Sounds of joy filled Clow UFO Base’s stadium as Sean Casten, a former employee, defeated Rep. Peter Roskam in the Illinois Sixth Congressional Race.  

“I remember when Sean was a quiet biochemist,” said Xop Logot from Komat Empire.  “Now he’s an outgoing leader of humans.  He’s come a long way.  Now I hope he can save Earth from runaway global warming.”

Casten later addressed the aliens via teleconference:  “I hope my victory shows the Interstellar Commonwealth that there are good people on this planet who want to fight for the future of our species.  I didn’t run for Congress just so I could hang out with all of you.  I ran so I could fix our country’s problems, and help humanity become worthy of full membership.  My work has just started.”

Casten then led the aliens in singing “Thunder Road” by Bruce Springsteen.

A spokesperson for Roskam said he was unavailable for comment.

In the background, a man who sounded like Roskam cried: “Map!  My beautiful gerrymandered map.  I loved you, and you betrayed me!  Holly whatshername seduced you, didn’t she?”

Naperville Police prevent Election Day Riots

Sources within the Naperville Police Department say that they turned around buses filled with alleged  Brookes Brothers rioters.”

“We know the DuPage Election Commission stinks,” said an officer who asked that we not use her name.  “The last thing we need is a bunch of rich men from out of state invading our county.”

Organizers of the bus insisted that they weren’t rioters but were “aggressive poll watchers” who couldn’t believe that Lauren Underwood had a chance to win the election.

“I told them we would find out tonight,” said the officer.  “But rioting wasn’t going to help.  Turns out she won fair and square.  It’s weird that all of Naperville’s Congressional representatives are Democrats.  I guess that’s what the voters want.”

A spokesperson for Underwood pointed out that Underwood grew up in Naperville and denounced the rioter assumptions.  “We’re Naperville.  We have a reputation to uphold, and Lauren is part of that reputation!”

Note:  This is a work of fiction.