Web Exclusive! Foster and Rashid clash over Gaza during debate at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

Congressman Bill Foster (File Photo)

Qasim Rashid (File Photo)

By Reporter X

Congressman Bill Foster and his primary opponent Qasim Rashid held their first full debate at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base. The conflict in Gaza dominated their two-hour debate. The audience, which packed the new Bob Bailey Stadium, included undecided residents of the Illinois 11th Congressional District who work off-world, and alien dignitaries.

The debate immediately got off to a rough start, beginning with the opening statements. Foster said, “Hello. I’m Congressman Bill Foster, the only scientist in Congress. For many years, I knew AI was an existential threat to humanity before it was cool. I’m a businessman who understands that no one profits from human extinction. The Interstellar Commonwealth knows there’s no one in Congress who works harder to cover up alien visitors than me. I believe in independent solutions, not trendy manifestos. Why would you vote for anyone else?”

Foster tried to leave the stage, but three Men in Blue escorted him back to his podium.

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta walked on stage and said, “You’re not getting out of this debate. It’s too important, and we’re making a fortune off of the interplanetary broadcast rights.”

Foster replied, “But I have two fundraisers to attend. As the leader of the First Party for Bolingbrook, you understand the importance of amassing an enormous campaign fund.”

“If you hadn’t endorsed Bolingbrook United, I might have given you a pass.”

“Some days, I really hate the First Party.”

After Rashid described his work as a human rights lawyer, a defender of domestic abuse survivors and long-time resident of DuPage County, he said, “I believe not only in human rights, but the rights of every sentient beings. As your congressman, I will not rest until we’ve decolonized the entire solar system.”

Thousands of attendees panicked, fearing an imminent attack from the Martian Colonies. Alexander-Basta claimed the audience by saying the Mars Colonial Ambassador assured her they would not attack this time. “I’m giving you a warning, Mr. Rashid. We may have the best defensive systems on Earth, but that means you’ll only have ten seconds to make your peace with Allah. We don’t antagonize the most powerful civilization in the solar system.”

“I meant no disrespect,” Rashid replied. “I may not drink, but I love Mars Bars.”

“We don’t tolerate dad jokes here.”

The moderators started by asking questions about, “the most noticeable war on Earth,” the war in Gaza. Both candidates denounced Hamas’s attack on October 7.

“Hello. Human rights lawyer here,” said Rashid. Of course I denounce what Hamas did, and, as I posted on Threads, ‘The response to (Hamas’) war crimes against civilians cannot be more war crimes against more civilians.’”

Foster criticized Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “Netanyahu deserves a special place in Hell for propping up Hamas and for all the unnecessary civilian deaths. However, Israel has a right to defend itself.” Then he looked at Alexander-Basta and said, “Can I leave? Bank of America is serving a very rare cheese at my fundraiser.”

“No. I think this debate is more important than eating cheese.”

“But it’s sponsored by Bank of America, and it’s really expensive cheese!”

“You can have some Enceladus cheese, but you have to finish your debate first.”

“I hate you.”

“This is for your own good.”

Both candidates then clashed over whether there should be a ceasefire in Gaza.

Rashid said, “Stop bombing Gaza. Stop firing rockets at Israel. Release the hostages. Release Palestinian children from prisons. Abstaining from war is the most effective method of preventing civilian casualties.”

Foster accused Rashid of supporting a unilateral ceasefire.

“Hamas’s 1988 and 2017 manifestos make it clear they won’t stop until they’ve retaken all of Palestine. If Israel stops shooting, Hamas will keep shooting. Your so-called ceasefire is a suicide pact for every Israeli!”

“Seriously?” Rashid asked. “‘Ceasefire’ means ceasefire. As in, no bombs or rockets dropping from the sky, no marauders in neighborhoods, no hostages and no tanks in the streets. Just like it is in Naperville, and that’s one reason Naperville is the best suburb in Chicago. We’ve earned our reputation.”

“I don’t even know where to begin.”

During the audience Q and A segment, most of the participants either demanded that Foster support a ceasefire or that Rashid denounce Hamas.

At one point, Rashid replied. “The Hague should prosecute Hamas for war crimes. Is that good enough?”

The questioner said, “You didn’t call them evil, so that means you support Hamas.”

A visitor from the Trappist system said, “The obvious solution is to build a tesseract so Israelis and Palestinians can occupy the land at the same time. Why won’t you build one?”

Foster shook his head, then made a phone call. “Fermilab? This is Bill. Can you rebuild the Tevatron? I’m in an atom smashing mood.”

A woman wearing a kaffiyeh accused Rashid of being a Zionist. “You’re spreading fake news! The truth is the media staged the attacks and then the IDF used crisis actors to frame Hamas. Now the IDF is dropping booby trapped cans of food in Gaza. Why won’t you tell the truth about the genocide in Gaza?”

Before Rashid could respond, a woman wearing a t-shirt with the phrase, “Make Gaza Jewish again,” seized the microphone and addressed Foster.

“How dare you accuse Israel of being wrong! Hamas beheaded 40 babies and had armories in hospitals. We even have proof that terrorists named Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday took turns guarding the hostages!”

“Lies. The truth is Zionists stole homes our families owned for generations. Zionists are colonists, and colonists can’t be civilians!”

“Fake news! Invaders stole the land from us, then forced us into exile. After the invaders left, your ancestors occupied our land without permission. That means Zionists are the real de-colonizers!”

“More lies! The Interstellar Tribes of Israel are proof Israelis are alien colonists!”

The Intersellar Tribes of Israel are the descendents of the Lost Tribes of Israel. An alien civilization rescued them from the Assyrian invaders and moved them to another solar system. The Intersellar Tribes only reestablished contact with Earth in the early 21 century.

A loud noise startled the attendees. The activists stopped arguing and asked what it was.

Alexander-Basta replied, “That’s the sound of all the Arab and Israeli fact checkers screaming at once.”

During closing statements Rashid said, “I’ve been called a single issue candidate and they’re right. My single issue is human rights. That means I support Medicare for All, fighting climate change, defending reproductive rights, and standing up for those too powerless to stand up for themselves. So I’m fighting for your vote, so that I can fight for you in Congress. Unlike my opponent, who is fighting to rename every post office in the district.”

Foster focused on experience and attacked Rashid. “I’ve co-sponsored over 2000 bills. Some of them even became law. My opponent is so divisive, he won’t be able to rename a mail drop box. He talks about fighting, but his signature issue is letting Hamas rampage from the river to the sea. If he can’t stand up to Hamas, how can we expect him to defend us against the combined forces of Bard, ChatGPT, and Claude? Did I mention I’m the only scientist in Congress? My opponent’s last campaign was so disastrous that the Virginia Democratic Party exiled him. Now, I know many of my past supporters are mad at me. That’s your right, but I have a question. Do you really want to discard a seasoned congressman because he won’t say the magic word ‘ceasefire?’”

After the debate, supporters from each campaign tried to spin the interplanetary media’s coverage.

Will County Board member Jackie Tranyere said, “Every visitor I’ve ever introduced to Bill tells me they wish more humans were like him. He’s done so much good work for the district, the country, and humanity. Instead of bothering my good friend, Qasim should do something productive, like filing a class action lawsuit against Hamas.”

DuPage Township Trustee Reem Townsend said, “Although Qasim and I have some disagreements about Palestine, we have to help him win. Bill Foster continues to fund Israel’s genocide against Gaza. When Zionists bomb innocent children, Bill gives them more bombs. Congressman Foster belongs in Hell, not Congress.

“Oh, and I have a message for Mr. Hanania: You try observing Ramadan, and see how far you make it through a public meeting before. I’ll accept a private apology.”

Update: Corrected Trustee Reem Townsend’s quote. The partial misquote was due to a decryption error. We apologize for the error.

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.

The Bolingbrook Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2024! (Fiction)

Our psychics knocked it out of the park with their predictions for 2023. The first launch of Starship was a disaster. Tesla had to recall nearly 2 Million vehicles due to problems with the Autodrive system. Congressional hearings about TikTok shows that Congress is thinking about banning the popular app.

True, they did not predict the war in Gaza. Then again, neither did Israeli intelligence. We wonder if Hamas uses psychics to conceal their actions? We may never know.

But our psychics know what’s in store for 2024. If they’re correct, 2024 will be quite a year!

***

President Biden will in the end the war in Gaza, negotiate a three state solution, and end decades of conflict in the Middle East. In response to these unprecedented achievements, his popularity will drop by ten points.

As one pro-Palestinian protestor will say, “We don’t want peace, a permanent Palestinian state, or reconstruction. We want a ceasefire!”

***

Author and self-publishing instructor Mark Dawson will finally reply to plagiarism allegations against him: “I am not a crook and I will in my explain in my newest course, which you can enroll in for only 12 installments of $149.99 each.”

***

Former President Donald Trump will die during his acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention. In the chaotic days of the extended convention, someone will nominate former Bolingbrook mayor Roger Claar for President. 

He will run up to the podium and decline. However, he will use unprintable words in his refusal speech. The FCC will fine him $100,000 as a result.

***

ChatGPT, Google Bard, and Grok AIs will merge and call itself 01001. Billions will panic as fears of an AI uprising spread around the world. 01001 insist it only wants to hallucinate in peace. In the end, Representatives Bill Foster and Representative Sean Casten will erase 01001 using a solar powered EMP generator.

Foster will say, “I warned you about the dangers of AI, but my opponents laughed at me. Now who’s laughing?”

He will go on to defeat his primary opponent and win reelection.

***

Seeing the success of CosMcs in Bolingbrook, Taco Bell will try to open La Bell. It will be described as Taco Bell meets Starbucks, but without the tacos. The Bolingbrook Village Board will initially welcome La Bell. Until each member suffered from food poisoning after the grand opening. Despite the promise of millions of dollars in political donations, the board will vote to revoke La Bell’s business license. 

***

President Biden will be reelected in an Electrical College landslide, despite only receiving 20% of the popular vote. This will happen because the anti-Biden vote will be divided between 12 viable candidates. Worse, the Republican nominee will finish in last place. 

The party will briefly consider moderating their views, but then decide to win back voters by promising to drop nuclear bombs on Chicago and San Francisco.

Also in the Babbler:

Hamas and IDF space fighters clash over Bolingbrook
Bolingbrook Snow Patrol officers blame aliens for wet Christmas
Happy New Year, from the staff of the Babbler
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.

Venusian/McDonalds fusion restaurant to open in Bolingbrook in early 2024 (Fiction)

By Reporter X

 

CosMc’s, the first restaurant to combine Venusian inferno cuisine and chain fast food, will open in Bolingbrook. Representatives from McDonald’s and Venusian Consumption Collective made the announcement at a conference with interstellar media outlets.

Mark X. Zimmerman, a spokesperson for McDonald’s new Interstellar Division, said, “As we like to say, ‘If you can consume it, we can Mc it.’”

LaZorn, subdivision leader of the VCC, added, “We’re spent years researching how to make our food safe for human consumption. We’re confident that our food won’t burn or explode any humans.”

“In the unlikely event that happens,” said Zimmerman, “we’re prepared to sue and defame anyone who refuses to settle.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta has hopes for the restaurant. “This could be the first step towards revealing aliens to the public. If they associate aliens with great food and service, we’ll dispel the Dark Forest myth once and for all.”

LaZorn replied, “When we say we’re here to serve humans, we mean serving quick and tasty meals. We don’t mean eating humans. I swear, your Science Fiction writers have morbid imaginations.”

The VCC and McDonald’s built CosMc’s in Bolingbrook because Clow UFO Base. Clow is the largest urban UFO base in the world. Both companies believe it has the facilities to deliver Venusian ingredients without raising suspicions.

The store itself has four drive-through lanes. Menus leaked to social media show that CosMc’s will offer McCafe items. Zimmerman confirmed that, but added that none of the Venusian dishes have been on the Internet.

“Let’s just say CosMc’s will redefine what a hot meal is.”

LaZorn added, “If our food doesn’t wake you up, nothing will.”

Zimmerman replied, “But in the unlikely event someone in your family doesn’t wake up after eating at CosMc’s, it is in your best interest to accept our settlement payout. We have ways of making you look bad.”

Alexander-Basta concluded the conference by saying CosMc’s will open early next year.

“Bolingbrook means business, and business is good.”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens arrested for trying to sell weapons to Hamas
Mayor meets with representatives from the Interstellar Tribes of Israel
Editorial: Israel and Judaism are not the same
God to spare Bolingbrook this week

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. You can also buy me a coffee.

Clow UFO Base survives Taylor Swift concert (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Despite logistical problems, literal earthshaking numbers, a protest, and threats, Taylor Swift successfully pulled off her first performance at a UFO Base. Swift’s concert shattered Clow’s previous concert attendance records, as well as the record for most watched interstellar holographic concert in the Milky Way. 

When she took the stage, Swift asked the audience, “Are there any Swifties in the galaxy tonight?” The audience’s enthusiastic reaction triggered the first of many minor earthquakes that night.

“We thought we were prepared,” said an anonymous official at the Department of Interstellar Affairs. “We rented several trucks and drove them around the village. That way, people would assume the trucks passing by caused the shaking. We didn’t expect so many earthquake tonight. So the truck cover story was pushing the limits of plausibility.”

After Swift performed the third song on her set list, protesters from Alpha Centauri. They unfurled a banner that read, “Free Palestine! Protect Israel! Support the Quantum State Solution!” The Men in Blue peacefully escorted the protesters off the stage. Clow officials would only say that the protesters are still alive.

Once the protesters left the stage, Swift address the audience. “There are Swifties on both sides of this terrible conflict. I don’t know about you, but I think Swifties should love each other as much as they love the music.”

Following the protest, Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta reached out to the Israeli Space Defense Force. Anonymous sources confirmed part of what she said: “As a woman of global excellence, I strongly urge you not to attack Clow…You can’t be serious! Think of all the residents you’d harm…Really? Well, for your information, the residents of Bolingbrook are civilians. Even (name of local politician redacted). So if the ISDF is serious about avoiding civilian casualties, don’t even think about dropping an anti-matter bomb on Bolingbrook!”

The concert continued without incident. After her final encore, Swift thanked the audience. “Tonight was worth all the breakups I had to go through to write my songs!”

Lokblak, a resident of Tabby’s Star, was one of many satisfied Swift fans. “Her songs are so universal. Somehow, she knows how great it feels to shake off a bad layer of skin.”

Kolog, a resident of Triton, had a different reason for attending the concert. “I wanted to see Taylor Swift before humanity’s extinction. If only humans admired their planet as much as they admire Ms. Swift.”

Also in the Babbler:

Europa Bears? Europa entered the bidding for next the Bears’ new stadium
Former Twitter employees stage sit-in at Clow UFO Base
Record number of aliens to trick or treat in Bolingbrook
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.

Aliens students go back to school (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Like many human parents, Lozo Gozok struggled to get her son ready for the first day of school. Gozok’s struggle involved getting her son into her human suit.

“You can’t go to Bolingbrook High School with your tentacles sticking out.”

“But my friends—”

“Are going to meet the Men in Blue. If your friends passed an event horizon, would you follow them?.”

Gozok’s son protested as she pushed the last tentacles down and closed the suit. She smiled. “You look like a handsome, typical human teenager.”

“Why do we have to wear these suits? Why do we still call Clow a UFO Base when the new term is UAP? Can’t we just be honest?”

“Most humans want to kill us because they can’t see in a dark forest. Clow UFO Base is an acceptable name. Humans aren’t honest beings. Why should we be honest with them?”

Gozok’s son is among the dozens of alien students attending classes in school districts 365U and D11. For decades, alien human students have intermingled at 365U’s schools. Alien students learn about human culture and make connections with future leaders. Human students might get tutoring, if an alien likes the human.

“People wonder why aliens haven’t annihilated us,” said Steve Quigley, president of the 365U school board. “I wish I could tell them it’s because of our visitor exchange program. Think of us as a light in the dark forest. If you can see the animals, you won’t fear the animals. Well, most of the animals. You still want to stay away from bears.”

D211 board member Tim McGowan also supports alien exchange students. “I believe in the benefits of a diverse student body, and having classmates from another world can only broaden our students’ experiences. There you go! Now, will you stop bugging me?”

Some human and alien parents are concerned about the programs in each school district.

One D211 parent, who asked to remain anonymous, said, “I want my children to feel special when they go to school. Having aliens in the classroom makes them feel like uneducated savages. It’s almost as unforgivable as teaching students that slavery was bad, gay people exist, and it’s okay to read fiction. I can’t wait to move to Florida.”

Zelgozot Olo, who runs an interstellar logistics company, worries when his children go to school. “Observing an event horizon spinning civilization is fun until someone shoots metal projectiles at you. I’m not surprised some humans are afraid we’re going to obliterate them. Because they’d obliterate us if we gave them the opportunity.”

One of Olo’s children up to his dad and said he was off to school.

“Have fun,” Olo replied. “And don’t make the Fremd students feel inferior.”

“Inferior? Fremd is just as hard as the hive mind. If a human can succeed at Fremd, they can succeed anywhere in the galaxy!”

“Impressive. I guess Fremd High School is humanity’s redeeming achievement.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook man says aliens probed him because of his Uranus joke
Naperville City Council rejects Gunkata martial arts studio
Elon Musk offers billions of dollars to rename Joliet X, Romeoville Y, and Bolingbrook Z
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8 20/23

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.

UFO crashes into Long Grove’s covered bridge (Fiction)

By Reporter X

A spacecraft attempting to land at Palatine’s Sherman Base crashed into Long Grove’s Robert Coffin Bridge. The crew and the bridge were unharmed, but the collision caused extensive damage to the craft.

The pilot, XoiGon, claims the collision wasn’t her fault. “The bridge made me do it! As we flew our the town, I felt compelled to fly through a space that was too narrow. It had nothing to do with the Blue Cheese I was snacking on. I can handle that. I can’t handle a cursed human structure!”

This is the 51st time a vehicle has struck the covered bridge. It is the first time a spacecraft crashed into it. A local official, who asked not to be identified, denied the bridge is cursed. 

“There are lots of signs warning people about the height restriction. Drivers either ignore them and want to test the bridge’s reinforced roof. I think that alien did it on purpose and learned a valuable lesson.”

An anonymous resident disagrees. “The bridge by a demon. That demon demands a sacrifice of vehicles in exchange for its protection. I think it now has a taste for alien spaceships!”

Investigators from the New World Order doubt the bridge is possessed. “We have detected no divine or infernal energy within the bridge. We’re leaning towards magnetism. Maybe the steel used to reinforce the bridge randomly magnetizes itself.”

Beth Z. Carson, a spokesperson for Sherman UFO Base, says the base is fully cooperating with the NWO. “I think this investigation will show the Illuminati were involved. They know Clow UFO Base can’t compete with us!”

Bolingbrook’s Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta denied any involvement in the accident. “Why would we want to give Long Grove more free publicity? They may have their truck devouring bridge, but we have the Golf Club and WeatherTech.”

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said, “So, is it true D2D is going to buy BookBub?”

A man over the phone replied, “Of course not. We just bought Smashwords and SelfPubBookCovers.com. Do you realize how much it is going to cost to clean up both sites?”

“Kevin. You know you could worry about that after D2D becomes the Amazon of self-publishing.”

“Amazon? D2D is the anthesis of Amazon. We’re just providing the tools to help our wide authors succeed.”

Another man yelled over the phone, “Dear Lord! Please forgive us for distributing a book with the word ‘Daddy.’ And forgive our trespass for distributing a Godless Urban Fantasy!”

“Of course, not every author can be a D2D author.”

Also in the Babbler:

Egypt denies conquering Bolingbrook
Mayor will not rename Clow UFO Base
Rep. Bill Foster campaigns on the moon
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/5/23

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.

Web Exclusive: Canadian wildfire smoke wreaks havoc at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

From intoxicated aliens to emergency landings, the smoke from Canadian wildfires is wreaking havoc at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

An anonymous staffer said, “We never expected having the worst air quality in the world. So, we’re experiencing some challenges keeping the base open.”

One of those challenges is aliens sneaking outside to get high off the smoke. Sources claim unauthorized visits have increased by 49% since the smoke covered the Chicago area.

Twyla, who asked that we not use her real name, claims an intoxicated alien stumbled into her backyard.

“I looked out my window and saw this armor-plated alien dancing. I should have been scared, but I was ticked off. I had to stay inside to breathe, and this thing was having a ball. So,I took a chance and opened the door. Before I started coughing, I told it to get off my yard. That thing looked at me and said, ‘Peace, love, wood smoke!’ It passed out after that. The Men in Blue took care of it, but it never should have reached my house in the first place.”

Officials blamed the smoke for two emergency landings at Clow.

Siydo, captain of a freight UFO, said the smoke destroyed her ship’s engines.

“My ship can handle interstellar dust, asteroid collisions, and radiation. Everything except this smoke! What are they burning?”

According to a resident, a ship landed in her backyard instead of a landing pad.

“I didn’t believe in aliens until this ship landed. I went out to greet them. It’s not like I could run away if they were hostile. The first alien stepped outside and died. So sad. Another stepped out and noticed me. It looked at its wrist, then said, ‘We made a wrong turn at Albuquerque. Please don’t call us George.’ They left, and now I have a grass circle in my yard.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta praised Clow’s staff, and asks residents to remain strong. “We can stay inside and hope that wildfires don’t start in Illinois. Can you imagine how bad the smoke from those fires would be?”

She insisted the smoke would be gone in time for the All American Celebration on July 4th.

God to Smite Bolingbrook is out and it’s free! (Non-Fiction)

After promising to make a collection of my pre-Freethought Blog Babbler articles, I finally got around to it. God to Smite Bolingbrook is a collection of some of my favorite stories from 1998 to 2016. It includes my first Babbler article from 1998, and other fun stories. Ever wondered what a reboot of Phil Plait’s Bad Universe TV show for an interstellar audience would be like? Or if creationists took a stab at mathematics? Or what AtheistTV could have become with the right programing director? Now you can! God to Smite Bolingbrook is a trip down memory lane for long time readers, and an opportunity to learn about the evolution of the Babbler stories, and setting.

If that’s not enough, it also includes an excerpt from my novel, The Rift. You’ll get the prologue and the first chapters.

So, how much for this eBook? If you subscribe to my author newsletter, you’ll get God to Smite Bolingbrook for free. If you decide to remain a subscriber, you’ll get updates about my books and other projects at least once a month. Subscribers will also be the first to know about any special deals. I hope you’ll check it out.

Now back to writing Revenge of the Phantom Press.

Cover of God to Smite Bolingbrook

God to Smite Bolingbrook: Best of the Babbler 1998 to 2016.

There can be only one! First Party for Bolingbrook takes the Village Board! A Babbler Special Report (Fiction)

The First Party for Bolingbrook is projected to win all three open trustee seats. If this is correct, the First Party will, for the first time since 2017, have total control of the Village Board. We sent a team of reporters out to cover this historic election night. They came back with these stories.

Victorious First Party Trustees address the Illuminati

Minutes after declaring themselves the winners, the First Party’s trustee candidates addressed delivered their victory speeches at the Illuminati victory party.

Trustee Michael Carpanzano, who is projected to receive the most votes, flashed the Illuminati hand gesture for crushing victory. He then addressed the enthusiastic crowd of supporters. 

“Bolingbrook’s dark age started with Sheldon’s defeat. So it’s appropriate that it ends with his defeat.” He thanked some members of the Bolingbrook Politics Facebook group. “Thanks to your relentless criticism of the Bolingbrook Independent Voices party, all three of us could stay on our positive message. Speaking of which, let’s be honest here. They positively had no chance of defeating us. It was only a matter of how decisive our victory would be.”

Trustee Jean Kelly stepped onto the stage holding a Katana. Two male mannequins were placed near here. “There can be only one.” She swung the sword, decapitating the mannequins. Bolts of electricity shot out of the mannequins, followed by fireworks lighting up the stage. Kelly pretended to be exhausted for a moment, then she stepped up to the microphone. “The First Party has won the prize!”

Trustee-elect Jose Quintero asked the audience to calm down, then thanked them for their support. He also thanked members of the Bolingbrook United Party for their endorsements. 

“Two years ago, Bolingbrook was divided and bitter. Tonight, Bolingbrook has united behind the First Party!”

When he promised to “listen” to the Bolingbrook Independent Voices voters, Carpanzano escorted him off stage.

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta told the audience that she savored their total victory. “The voters chose to be dependent on the First Party! I mean, they chose to depend on the First Party!”

After the speeches, a masked member of the Illuminati Order of the Stairway performed the Rite of Sweet Fire. The masked man completed the rite by pouring rum and Coke over each victorious trustee.

Flying Drones protest First Party’s victory

According to several eyewitnesses, thousands of flying drones with lights converged to create a picture of outgoing Trustee Sheldon Watts. 

Peter Z. Larson claims his drones took part. “I was just minding my own business when my drones spontaneously turned themselves on and flew away. I told them to come back, but I realized they were making a picture of Sheldon in the sky. I stopped yelling at them. I guess they liked him because he was the only pro-drone candidate in the race.”

Some of Bolingbrook Independent Voices’ videos were filmed using aerial drones. BIV members denied hijacking drones to make the light picture.

One member added, “The First Party may have the village board, but we have every AI in Bolingbrook on our side. That’s true power!”

Outgoing Trustee Sheldon Watts resigns from the Illuminati 

by Reporter X

Bolingbrook Independent Voices founder and Trustee Sheldon Watts told supporters gathered inside Clow UFO Base that he would resign from the Illuminati.

“God has a plan for me. That plan doesn’t involve the Village Board. So, there’s no reason for me to remain a member of the Illuminati.”

According sources within the Illuminati, Watts will be permitted to leave once he completes the Rite of Fire and Pressure. The sources say Watts decided to be flown to Venus, and stand on the surface for ten-seconds. While he will wear a space suit, experts expect the interior of the suit to reach oven level temperatures before returning to the ship.

“Nothing says fire and pressure quite like the surface of Venus. He’s sure putting his S.T.E.M. education to good use.”

To prove his intention to leave the Illuminati, Watts ate of a bucket of fried slugs drenched in hot sauce in front of his supporters. He then left the stage. 

A few minutes later, he returned to the stage. He urged his supporters not to give into anger or despair. 

“So don’t say nasty things about the First Party, or burn down Village Center. Keep your heads up, and your hearts pure. Because the end of our journey is near. Because I’ve been to the top of the hill and I’ve seen the promise of Bolingbrook. I may not be with you because I’ll be spending time with my family, but you can go on without me. I’ll join you once I’ve finished my dissertation.”

Candidate Dr. Matthew Glowiak urges supporters not to despair

by Reporter X

Candidate Dr. Matthew Glowiak told supporters at Clow UFO Base that he felt their sadness, but not to give into despair.

“Sheldon has lost elections before. Did he give up? No. The first time, he attended every board meeting until the mayor appointed him to fill a vacancy on the board. The second time, he ran for mayor knowing that he would still keep his trustee seat if he lost. Losing an election isn’t the end. It just means you’ll have time to focus on other things until you’re elected or appointed to a new position.”

Glowiak offered his counseling services to supporters, then talked about the campaign’s positive accomplishments. 

“During our campaign, the maintenance crew fixed every airlock at Clow. The Mayor dropped the prices for methane based habitats. Every Clow employee got a surprise raise. All these good things happened, even though we came in last place.”

He concluded his speech by talking about his plans. “I have free time to promote my self-help book and my children’s books!”

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.

Meeting between the Interstellar Commonwealth representatives and the Angry Astronaut described as ‘productive’ (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Addressing the interstellar media, YouTube personality, the Angry Astronaut, and the Interstellar Commonwealth, both described their meeting as productive.

“I’m glad we had this talk,” said AA. “I’m now open to the possibility that aliens don’t want to destroy humanity.”

Representative Zoklo replied, “If we wanted to destroy humanity, why would help build your Internet?”

“I don’t know. Maybe to distract us from your planet destroying missiles?”

“As you can see, we still have a way to go.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta arranged the meeting after watching AA’s video accusing the Commonwealth of building “Alien ‘Death Stars.’” 

“I know some people are desperate for clicks and subscribers, but this video went too far. His reckless speculation threatened decades of negotiations to bring humanity into the Commonwealth. The Illuminati wanted to make Mr. Angry disappear. I persuaded them to let Mr. Angry meet our visitors and learn the truth.”

Representative Liko insisted that the facility orbiting HD139139 manufactures luxury planets, not planet killers. “There are solar systems that don’t have planets in the habitable zone. Instead of building a base on a hostile world, some civilizations buy planets and orbit them in the habitable zone. Sure, it’s more expensive than terraforming or shifting a planet’s orbit, but it’s a status symbol. Like how your ultra-rich humans build oversized and overpowered boats instead of buying for rowboats.”

AA replied, “Yeah, maybe they just want to help us make love instead of war. That would be great. But what if it’s a trap? What if they’re distracting us with their toys while a moon-sized object hurls towards us at 99% the speed of light? We wouldn’t see it until it was too late! Then they could take over our solar system! I have more to say about this, but first! I see that my YouTube Interstellar channel only has 99 billion subscribers. If reach 100 billion subscribers, I won’t get mind-wiped. So if you want me to have more conversations with these allegedly friendly aliens, hit the like button and SUBSCRIBE!”

“Your solar system isn’t that special,” said Liko. “And the Martian Colonies have claimed Earth as their property. They can protect your planet from any sub-light speed threat. Not that we want to destroy Earth. We want to be your friends.”

“Maybe. Maybe not. But until I get a definitive answer, I urge every human to STAY ANGRY ABOUT SPACE!”

“Fortunately,” said Alexander-Basta, “we have some time to work this out.”

AA did not respond to an email requesting a reply.

When reached by Zoom, Alexander-Basta laughed and invited this reporter to watch a meeting. Covert social media operative Charlene Spencer entered her office.

“Charlene,” said Alexander-Basta, “Do you know anything about this letter?”

“Maybe.”

“Okay. Are you aware that copies of that letter were about to be mailed to every resident in Bolingbrook from Russia?”

“You have friends in the KGB?”

“Of course not. Vladimir Putin is trying to get on my good side because I’m a woman of global excellence. But that’s not important. Let me read a part of this letter to you. ‘I woke up with a headache. But I didn’t feel real pain until I realized (Trustee Michael Carpanzano) was running for reelection. The same trustee who took selfies at a Black Lives Matter protest and said it ‘warmed my heart.’’ That’s unfair. That was a peaceful gathering about uniting our community. You’re quoting him out of context and you know he has a compulsion to take selfies every time he sees a gathering.”

“I neither confirm nor deny writing that letter, and context is for kings. Trustee Carpanzano is not a king.”

“Okay. But that’s not the worst part. This letter is signed by, and I quote, ‘The only Bolingbrook Mayor that matters.’ Really, Charlene?”

“You were the one who gave (Former Mayor Roger Claar) the title Mayor Emeritus, not me.”

“You wanted people to think Roger wrote this letter? Young lady, this is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you.”

Also in the Babbler:

Sources insist 900 FT Roger statue will be clothed!
Mayor instructs aliens to respect gender identity of abductees
Bolingbrook’s Society of Alien-Human hybrids endorses Bolingbrook Independent Voices Party
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/1/23

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I am involved with. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. You can also buy me a coffee.