Clow UFO Base reports record profits from UFO political ads (Fiction)

Enhanced photo of two UFOs with political display ads.

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar announced that Clow UFO Base sold the most political UFO display ads in its history.

Twitter is banning political ads,” said Claar, during a press conference with members of the interstellar media.  “We’re selling more political ads than ever.  So if you want to win your next election, don’t look to social media.  Look to the stars!”

According to Claar, most of this year’s spending came from liberal-leaning billionaires and “well-connected” Democratic campaigns.  Most of the advertising spending is aimed at influencing the Democratic Caucuses.  

“Just ask (Pete Buttigieg) and Tom Steyer.  Their covert committees liked the results of our ad buys, and love our reasonable prices!  You know, Michael Bloomberg just bought several ad slots.  Now I’m not a psychic, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he won Iowa because that’s how effective our ads are.”

Claar said a display ad on a UFO is very influential among rural voters.

“If an Iowa farmer sees your ad on a UFO, they’re going to assume that an advanced civilization supports your polices.  Once an Iowa farmer thinks that, no TV ad will persuade him that your candidate is inferior.  Aliens are the key to victory.”

Ads, however, do not mean that a UFO crew endorses a candidate.  Lodix, a botanist from Shedo Collective, says she puts ads on her UFO for the money:

“I can’t tell the difference between Sen. Elizabeth Warren and Representative Steve King.  But I do love the Interstellar Credits I get from running their ads.  Let’s face it, my job sampling Earth plants isn’t the most profitable career.  So I can use the extra credits.”

Lodix, however, does have some concerns about the ads:

“You shouldn’t decide your leaders based on an ad or meme.  You really should look at all of their positions.  Still, ads and memes can be infectious.  Look at the humans who think Hillary Clinton would have been just as corrupt at President Trump.  Trump is a universal example of corrupt leadership.  There’s no way Hillary could ever have lived up to his example, and more importantly, she didn’t want to.  That shows me the power of advertising and memes to influence humans.  Honestly, your species really (expletive deleted) up by selecting Trump.”

While most UFO Bases around the world ban political ads, Claar said he was proud that Clow allows them:  “We like to do things differently in Bolingbrook.”

Claar also defended allowing ads for candidates affiliated the New World Order, despite being a leader of the Illuminati himself:

“The Illuminati is dedicated to spreading chaos.  Nothing spreads chaos quite like attack political ads.  Just look at my community.  The local Democratic party is in chaos because Rachel Ventura is challenging (Representative Bill Foster).  Their infighting helps me as both a member of the Republican Party and as a member of the Illuminati.  Let them fight, and let me collect the money!  I mean let Clow collect the money.”

Claar wouldn’t confirm rumors that he’s been buying pro-Ventura UFO ads.

He did say that he expected the Trump campaign to devote “significant resources” to UFO advertising starting in the summer of 2020. 

When reached for comment, a member of Foster’s staff denied that Foster buys UFO display ads:

“UFOs are not alien spacecraft.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to find the Congressman because we just found out that he’s canvassing in the same subdivision as Rachel is and— Oh no!  We’re too late!”

In the background, a man who sounded like Foster said:  There are other ways to stop manmade climate change.”

A woman who sounded like Ventura replied:  “Only the Green New Deal can save us.”

“I’ll bet you don’t even know what the Green New Deal is.”

“I know exactly what it is.  It’s awesome!”

Also in the Babbler:

Claar denies latest Russian snow attack
Oswego player blames aliens for Raiders’ OT win
Society of Professional Journalists laughs at Alyssia Benford’s complaint against the Babbler
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/13/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Web Exclusive: Drunk alien crashes UFO in Palatine (Fiction)

By Reporter X

An intoxicated alien crashed its UFO while attempting to land at Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base.  The alien was arrested by Palatine police.  No humans were injured, and the only damage was a crater in a resident’s backyard.

“I’m proud of how we covered up this incident,” said Sheila Z. Blake, the head of the Interstellar Division.  “Thanks to our public relations team, we’ve now convinced most residents that what they really heard was a loud firecracker.”

Carlie, who lives near Lake Cook and Route 53, claims the UFO crashed in her backyard.  She described the craft as “kind of like the Bean, only a sphere.”  After getting over her shock, she called the Palatine police:

“The dispatcher laughed at me, and hung up.  I thought she was being unprofessional, but now I know that she was calling Palatine’s specialized police officers.”

Then Carlie and her partner, Desiree, heard the back door open.  When they snuck downstairs, they saw an alien raiding their refrigerator:

“It was drinking our salad dressing straight from the bottles.  I think it really loved the blue cheese, and it got drunk off of it.”

Both women agreed that after drinking their salad dressing, the alien looked at them.  After making slurred sounds, it collapsed to the floor.  

A few minutes later, officers in hazmat suits arrived and arrested the alien.  The officers then told them not to talk to the “mainstream media.”

“So I guess it’s okay to talk to you,” said Carlie.

Blake said the officers found gallons of Blue Cheese and Ranch dressing inside the space craft.  They also found blocks of Titan slime cheese as well.

“Clearly, this alien is affected by moldy dairy products,” said Blake.  “We hope to give this visitor the treatment it deserves, and then lock it up.”

A receptionist for Mayor Jim Schwantz denied the existence of a UFO Base in Palatine, and said Schwantz was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man said: “I want to buy the strip mall by the Wal Mart and sell a product that’s physically addictive, causes 88,000 deaths per year in the US and strains $249 billion dollars from the economy.”

A man who sounded like Schwantz replied: You can’t fool this Fremd graduate.  You’re talking about alcohol.”

“No, I can’t fool you.  So you won’t mind if I open up a Weed World instead? Seriously, you can’t allow bars in your fine village and then think about banning cannabis dispensaries. 

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Web Exclusive: Trustee Carpanzano apologizes to the Space Pope (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Trustee Michael Carpanzano formally apologized to Space Pope Lacoxo MMXI for dressing up like him and posing for a picture.

“I’m sorry his Holiness was offended by my attempt to celebrate religious diversity at Clow UFO Base,” said Carpanzano.

“Insulting me is a very expensive indulgence,” replied the Space Pope.  “Fortunately, I have very reasonable payment plans.”

“I will pay for him”, said Mayor Roger Claar.  “Now let’s pretend this didn’t happen.”

The incident occurred during Clow UFO Base’s “Faith in the Galaxy Festival.”  During the event, the Space Pope confronted Carpanzano about the picture.  The Space Pope explained that it was offensive to him.

“Why?” asked Carpanzano.  “I’m a positive person and I didn’t mean any offense.  Therefore you can’t be offended by what I wore.  You should feel honored.”

“Blasphemy does not honor me!” yelled the Space Pope.  The Space Pope then listed 100 dress code violations with Carpanzano’s outfit.  Notably that most of the crucifixes were upside down, and his hat was the wrong color for this section of the solar system.

Bolingbrook Village Trustee Michael Carpanzano.

Carpanzano was unmoved.  “I’m married and have a family.  That means I can wear anything I want and you can’t be offended!”

Before the Space Pope could declare Carpanzano a heretic, Claar arrived and asked to speak with Carpanzano.  According to unnamed sources, Claar called Carpanzano “positively clueless” because his actions endangered Bolingbrook.  He explained that the Universal Catholic Church has its own military and a history of invading planets to forcibly convert the inhabitants:

“I don’t care if you like to dress up.  Just don’t offend one of the most powerful religious organizations in the galaxy!  Pick on weaker cultures, instead.  They can’t harm us.”

After his meeting, Carpanzano said he was going to move on from this incident:

“I know Muslims, and Jaime Olson has lost three elections.  Therefore it’s okay for me to dress up like a modern Egyptian!”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Hundreds arrested during the Clow UFO Base climate strike (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base’s security ruthlessly shut down a Climate Strike demonstration minutes after it started.  Over 100 aliens were arrested, along with 12 humans and 4 androids.  Over 100 beings were treated for injuries, but none were life-threatening.

“Let me make this clear,” said Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  “You can say what you want about Earth’s climate, but you cannot go on strike at my UFO Base!”

Anonymous officials claim that the organizers planned to block all the landing bays at Clow until Earth’s governments agreed to a geoengineering program to reverse global warming. 

“Clow would be out of business before any government would consider it,” said one anonymous official.

Organizers denied that the “Climate Strike” was an actual strike.

“It was a demonstration,” said Glowdia Padakolaka, a visitor from Tabby’s Star.  “Just because we called it a strike, doesn’t mean it is a strike.  We just meant that we think Earth’s governments should strike a blow against the forces changing the climate before they make Earth uninhabitable for humanity.  We didn’t deserve to be pepper sprayed for saying that.”

One of the humans injured was Rachel Ventura, Democratic candidate for the Illinois 11th Congressional District:  “Yeah it sucked getting sprayed with acid, but the doctors here fixed my skin for free.  What really sucks is being represented by Congressman Bill Foster!  He won’t support the Green New Deal.  As your Congresswoman, I will say this to the spineless Democrats in charge:  Give humanity the Green New Deal or give humanity death!  No other ideas are worth considering.  Like switching to nuclear power?  Hell no!  I won’t glow, Bill.”

Foster replied in an email, “(Representative Sean Casten) and I feel there are other options besides the Green New Deal.  At least Rachel and I are debating how to fight climate change.  Whoever Roger drafts to run against me will probably deny the problem.  I say keep the Sci Bros in Congress!”

Ventura was quested by Claar then released.  Sources say she was released because she, along with Claar, are members of the Illuminati.

Padakolaka said the organizers’ next goal is to secure the release of  Clow’s “climate prisoners.”  She also hopes to meet with Claar and explain the importance of combating climate change.

“Climate change is the great filter,” said Padakolaka.  “Too many civilizations reach this stage and perish because they’re not willing to make the necessary changes to protect their planet.  When an economic system favors extinction over preservation, that system must change.  Economies must serve their beings.  Beings must not serve the economy.  Civilizations that learn this lesson reach the stars.  I hope humanity learns this lesson before it’s too late.”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar deploys “floating emergency command center.”
Wereskunks defend littering as ‘a work of art’
Satanist says his religion requires a garbage toter in his front yard
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/28/19 

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Infected passengers from C/2019 Q4 transferred to Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Image of an interstellar cruise ship disguised as a comet.

Clow UFO Base officials confirmed that they received infected passengers from a cruise ship, known to the public as interstellar comet C/2019 Q4 (Borisov).

“We have taken all necessary precautions,” said Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  “Clow has one of the best medical facilities on Earth for treating visitors.  There is no danger to our residents or to humanity at large. Anyone who says differently is a foe and shouldn’t be trusted.”

C/2019 Q4 is a sub-light speed luxury cruise ship which has been traveling towards Earth for thousands of years.  According to Clow officials, the craft sent out a distress signal last month stating that half the passengers and crew were infected by an unknown illness.  After a medical team from the Interstellar Commonwealth visited the craft, they ordered most of the infected passengers removed from the craft.  Clow UFO Base was one of the sites chosen by the Illuminati to treat passengers.

Dr. Rachel X. Zimmerman, Director of Clow’s Infectious Disease Division, said many precautions were taken to reduce the risk of contamination:  “We have a special landing bay with a hospital for situations like this.  It has its own life support system.  We’re following strict quarantine procedures.  Our medical staff won’t leave until these patients are cured or incinerated!”

Qugodlak, a doctor from Barnard’s Star, said that cruise ships like C/2019 can become breeding grounds for infectious diseases:  “These ships may travel for thousands of Earth years before they can dock.  That means they’re never properly cleaned or repaired for most of their journey.  On Earth, a broken ice machine leads to food poisoning.  On one of these ships, they can create an ecosystem of death.  That why I tell my patients to never take a trip on one of these ships.”

Blousk, Head Thinker of Evolution Cruise Lines, thanked Claar for his help and defended his business:  “All of our passengers are practically immortal.  Who wants to live forever?  Those who die will die among the stars.  Those who survive will have loving memories of the evolution of humanity— As well as memories of our fine dining, and centuries of playing Gobabble Ball.”

Qugodlak said the healthy crew and passengers will be taken on a guided tour of Earth.  The ship will be depressurized and exposed to the Sun’s radiation in hopes of sterilizing it.  Once the ship is disinfected, the ship will be re-pressurized, and the remaining passengers and crew will be allowed back on board.

Their next destination will take C/2019 Q4 approximately 200,000 years to reach. 

A receptionist for Claar said he was out of the office and had no interest in commenting.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Michael Carpanzano said:  “We need to tell the whole world that Bolingbrook was chosen by Money Magazine as one of the best places to live in America this year.  Why are you shaking your head?”

A woman who sounded like Covert Social Media Operative Charlene Spencer replied: “First of all, being number 85 isn’t great.”

“Being 85 out of all the communities in the country is great!”

“Second of all, if you link to the article, people will discover that Naperville is ranked number 45.  They’ll realize that they can move to Naperville, save money, have a nearby Metra station, and be close enough to Bolingbrook to exploit all the things that make it great.”

“You’re so negative.  Why can’t you be positive, like every other Bolingbrook resident.”

“Positivity never leads to progress.”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens riot as Clow increases fuel costs
Residents clean up litter left by weredeer
Wereskunks apply for a cannabis license
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/18/19  

Mike Gravel arrested at Clow UFO Base during the Interplanetary Democratic debate (Fiction)

By Reporter X

During the Interplanetary Democratic Presidential Primary Debate at Clow UFO Base, Mike Gravel became the first candidate to be arrested on stage.

“In this crowded field,” said Gravel, a former US Senator from Alaska,  “You have to make a splash.  Boy did I make one tonight.”

The incident occurred when Gravel, along with Mayor Wayne Messam, Joe Sestak, Rep. Seth Moulton, and Gov. Steve Bullock, were asked a question by Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar:

“Your unqualified surrogates are oppressing me by running for office.  I’ve done nothing wrong.  My foes think it’s wrong to accept donations from people who do business with the village and to endorse Donald Trump.  They’re wrong!  Not only are they wrong, but they’re forcing my party to campaign before the elections.  It is an insult to me, and a diversion of funds that I could have spent on dinners, cars or donations to other Republicans.  So my questions is this:  If elected, will you pay me reparations for all the suffering your party has caused me?”

All the candidates, except Gravel, offered nuanced views on slavery reparations.  Gravel chose to silently stare at Claar for several uncomfortable moments.  He then walked backstage and returned holding a large rock.  Gravel then walked up to the edge of the stage and dropped the rock into a tub of water.  The resulting splash nearly hit Mayor Claar.

“You may not be in Washington,” yelled Gravel.  “But you contribute to the problem of big money in politics too!”

Claar then ordered Gravel’s arrest.  As the Men in Blue approached, Gravel said, “As a presidential candidate, I have diplomatic immunity!”

“Revoked!” replied Claar.

As Gravel was dragged off the stage, he yelled, “Aliens wrote my platform!  Teenagers run my campaign!  You can take my freedom, but you can’t take away my message!”

“I don’t want it.”

Gravel supporters in the audience started chanting, “It’s about damn time!”  Which was Gravel’s slogan for his interstellar campaign in 2008.

Gravel was released after the debate

and given a warning by Claar.

“The Illuminati and New World Order are at war,” said Claar.  “Keeping Gravel in a holding cell would only make things worse.  Personally, I think he should join the Illuminati because he is an excellent agent of chaos.  Ford!”

Earlier in the debate, Gravel brushed aside attacks that he would be too polarizing as a President:  “I’m bipartisan.  I’ve run for President as both a Libertarian and as a Democrat.”

“You’re dangerous!” replied Moulton.  “You’re to the left of (House Speaker Nancy Pelosi)!  People like you are why the Republicans are calling us Socialist!  If I’m the nominee, the Republicans won’t call us names.”  

Gravel laughed.

“They’ll call you anything they want to, you spineless corporate Democrat.”

“No, because I’m willing to split my support between Democrats and Republicans like a true centrist should!”

“You are a living example of why Lawful Neutral is the worst alignment in D and D!”

All the candidates agreed to keep the presence of extraterrestrials on Earth a secret.

Sestak stated: “In 2013, 36 percent of Americans believed in UFOs.  Now over half of Americans believe in UFOs.  Trump is making matters worse by having the Navy openly talk about UFOs.  Not only is Trump alienating our allies, but he’s also alienating aliens!”

All the candidates disagreed when asked if they were hurting the Democratic Party by running for President instead of the Senate.

“If a spiritual advisor can run for President,” said Messam, “Then I can run for President.  I’ve won more elections than she has, and I live in a battleground state.  Let the voters decide.”

“If the voters decide against me,” stated Bullock,  “I’ll still have enough supporters to make a living by putting my name on ghostwritten books!”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook residents perform unsuccessful anti-rain dance
Hidden Lakes Monster captured in the DuPage River
Trustee Michael Carpanzano denies calling Jackie Traynere a space alien
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/4/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Bolingbrook repels alien weather attack (Fiction)

By Reporter X

In a failed attempt to capture Clow UFO Base and the Bolingbrook Golf Club, an unknown alien species unleashed a tornado and severe thunderstorm attack against Bolingbrook.

During a press conference with the interstellar press corps, Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs released a statement which quoted Mayor Roger Claar as saying, “Is that the best you cowards got?”

“We have survived this wide-spread attack against our village,” said Louis X. Peterseim, spokesperson for the department.  “We expect more severe weather tonight, but we have confirmed the destruction of all of the invaders’ space ships.”

According to Peterseim, the aliens used the severe weather to launch a surprise attack against Bolingbrook.  Men in Blue and Clow’s S.W.A.T. team clashed with the ground troops, while interceptors and air-to-ground defenses attacked the UFOs.

One of the defenders, who asked not to be identified, described fighting the aliens:  “I’ve never seen anything like them before.  They looked human— but if you killed them, they melted into a red liquid.  I had to kill a few and believe me, it was not pleasant.  The last one called me a slave of the ‘fish man,’ whoever that is.”

Other residents confirmed seeing UFOs during the storm, like June X. Smith of Bolingbrook:  “I saw balls of light floating near a wall cloud.  I thought I was watching ball lightning until they exploded.  Some weird craft flew overhead.  I guess it shot them down.  Before I could post my pictures, a police officer came up to me.  He said he would arrest me if I posted my pictures, or told anyone about the wall cloud.  He said it was a matter of Bolingbrook’s security.”

Marc, who asked that we not use his last name, claims to have seen one of the aliens:  “This weird man was putting stuff on top of the storm drains on Cumberland.  I asked him what he was doing.  He replied, ‘We must work this out.  Kidding.  Blocked!’ Maybe he caused the flooding?”

During the press conference, Deputy Mayor Lawler addressed the media via a video chat from the emergency command center at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.  He started out by insisting that Trustee Michael Carpanzano wasn’t responsible for the attack and then accused Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere of coordinating the attack.

Village Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz then walked into view and defended Traynere:  “What are you talking about?  She worked with Peotone UFO base to provide us their tracking data.  She helped us survive this attack.  Why are you so desperate—”

The sound of thunder interrupted Jaskiewicz.  Lawler screamed that they were under attack again, and ran off camera.  Jaskiewicz followed him.  Trustee Maria A. Zarate ran into view and said: “I want to announce that I don’t want to die.”

Trustee Mary Sabri Alexander-Basta then walked up to Zarate and said, “Ooh!  That’s the code to activate the self-destruct sequence.”

“No!” yelled Trustee Sheldon Watts. 

The screen then went blank and the press conference abruptly ended.

A receptionist for Claar insisted he was busy dealing with the “excessive water” situation in Bolingbrook and could not grant an interview.  

“We can’t say the ‘F’ word because we built the Bolingbrook Golf Club to prevent you know what.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said: “I think we survived this storm.  So Charlene says you’ve been working with her on Operation Triggered Buddha.  What is it?”

A man who sounded like Carpanzano replied: “I’m using my marketing skills to persuade residents to only say positive things about Bolingbrook, and that any negative thoughts, even if they’re about the new trash fees, are bad.  Every resident must suppress their own negative thoughts, as well as their neighbors.”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Z. Spencer added: “All those suppressed thoughts create repressed anger that needs to be released.  So Igor and I are using our social media accounts to tell residents that it’s okay to unleash that anger on Bolingbrook United, because they’re not ‘real’ residents.”

“I like it,” replied Claar.

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook Flat Earth Society announces plans to defend Illinois’ flat tax
Random attendees of the Cavalcade of Planes will get free UFO rides
Romeoville politician threatens to start ‘Bolingbrook Truther’ page
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/21/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Interceptor from Clow UFO Base shot down over Palatine (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Officials from Rob Sherman UFO Base in Palatine, IL confirmed they shot down an interceptor from Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  The incident is the latest escalation in the war between the Illuminati and the New World Order.

Juan Z. Stevens, a spokesperson for Sherman UFO Base, said the interceptor violated their air space:  “The craft was on an intercept course towards an alien craft trying to land at our facility.   The interceptor pilot ignored our warnings before entering our air space.  We rightfully assumed that it was hostile and took immediate action.”

According to Stevens, Sherman UFO Base, which is controlled by the New World Order, has been sabotaged several times by Illuminati operatives since it opened this year.  Stevens accused Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar of being behind the attacks, and accused Claar of ordering the interceptor to violate their air space.

“Mayor Roger Claar hates our base because we take traffic away from his Illuminati occupied base.  With this incident, he has escalated  from threatening our facility, to threatening our visitors.  This is not acceptable.  It is a violation of Interstellar conventions, and we will file a protest, and rush construction of our hypersonic missile launchers on Dundee RD.”

The interceptor crashed into Deer Grove East Forest Preserve, and started a fire.  Firefighters rescued the pilot, who only had minor injuries, then turned him over to the New World Order.  The fire burned 50 acres before it was under control.  

The next day, the New World Order released the pilot to Bolingbrook officials in exchange for a New World Order operative who was being held at Clow UFO Base.  Both were reportedly in good health.  However ,the released New World Order operative said listening to Claar’s pro-Illuminati lectures should be “considered a form of torture”.

Paul Z. Coker, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs, defended their pilot’s actions: “Clow UFO Base has exclusive rights to the Chicagoland area.  We’ve been tolerant of the NWO’s two illegal bases, but our tolerance has its limits.  This craft ventured unacceptably close Roger’s home.  We had the right to intercept and inspect this craft to ensure Roger’s safety.  This attack against our interceptor is unacceptable, and this is why Roger has called for the complete and unconditional surrender of the New World Order.”

Stevens said the closest the craft came to Claar’s home was when it was 60,000 feet over West Dundee.

Coker conceded that the craft was over West Dundee, but said it crossed two centimeters into a no-fly zone that protects Claar’s home.

Coker added that Claar was “generous enough” to give the New World Order three weeks to shutdown Sherman UFO Base, make a donation to his Interstellar Campaign Fund, and remove all “foes” from Bolingbrook:  “All real residents support Roger, and have faith in his decisions. Anyone who disagrees with him is a foe, and must be removed.”

Claar and Palatine Village Manager Reid Ottesen could not be reached for comment.  This reporter attempted to stop by Palatine Mayor Jim Schwantz’s home, but was stopped by a police officer.  While this reporter talked to the officer, a man who looked like Schantz stepped out of the house, wearing a bluetooth headset and carrying a bag of garbage.  He walked towards two toters.”

“Mayor Jim Schwantz, Fremd High School graduate, and former Chicago Bear, takes to the sanitation gridiron.  He scans the driveway.  He spots his wide open 96 gallons trash toter.  He pushes the lid back, released the bag, and it’s caught!  He closes the lid.  Boy, this toter has great protection against the elements, and wild animals.  What’s this?  Schwantz senses the approaching sanitation defenders closing in.  The pocket seems to be collapsing.  He’s about to be—No!  He grabs both the trash toter, and the 65 gallon recycling toter and rushes to the end of the driveway.  You know, not only does the recycling toter have a lid, it also has wheels, and offers great protection against the wind.  No busted coverage in this community!  He’s about to reach the end zone.  Wait!  His wife just handed him a bag of garbage.  But there’s no room in the toter.  What will he do?  He drives the toters into the end zone, and spikes the trash bag to the ground.  Because no one in Palatine is forced to own a toter.  Thus our sanitation policy sacks your policy!  What’s that?  Wow!  Your campaign fund is bigger than mine.  Then again, Ryan Leaf’s salary was bigger than mine, and you know who performed better in the NFL.  Hello?”

Also in the Babbler:

Hidden Lakes Monster spotted for the first time this year

Skepchick Party to hold first convention in several years

Bolingbrook skunk honored for her trash art

God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/23/19

Note: This is a work of fiction.

Mayor Claar resumes command of Clow UFO Base despite protests (Fiction)

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

By Reporter X

The Interstellar Commonwealth officially returned control of Clow UFO Base to Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  This ended a nine-month saga in which the village lost Clow UFO Base to alien protesters.

“Clow is a great UFO Base,” said acting Administrator Aplodoxage Glomox before stepping down.  “It deserves a great leader.”  Glomox then left the room.

Claar thanked the Commonwealth for their help in ending the occupation, and for acting as interim administrators until the results of the April Consolidated Election were certified.

“You guys did a great job,” said Claar, after taking the oath of office during a covert meeting of the Village Board held at the base. “This reminds me.  There are people in the Bolingbrook Politics Facebook group who think the Commonwealth owes the Village money.  What those stupid liars aren’t telling the residents is that the Commonwealth fully paid for the restoration of Clow UFO Base, and shared a portion of Clow’s revenue with the Village.  You don’t owe the village anything.  Bolingbrook’s social media foes owe you an apology.”

Claar then announced that he was going to make some rule changes at Clow.  He started by lifting the display advertising ban on UFOs and allowing advertising during alien abductions.

“The ban never should have been enacted,” said Claar.  “You are guests here at Clow UFO Base, and if your hosts want to give you money to display a political ad, Clow shouldn’t step in the way.  By the way, this is in no way connected to my interstellar campaign fund.”

Claar then recessed the meeting to watch special performances in honor of his reappointment.  Clow’s theatrical group performed a musical number from the rock opera “Roger!” in front of an audience of the mayor, the Village Board, Clow employees, and interstellar dignitaries.  

However, during a juggling act, a Clow employee rushed the podium and dumped a bag of garbage on Claar.  As Men in Blue apprehended the protester, a woman ran on the stage and read a statement denouncing the village’s new garbage fees.

“Not only do we pay non-deductible fees for garbage,” read the woman.  “We can’t even use garbage toters.”

Village Trustee-elect Michael Carpanzano then yelled from the audience: “Stop being so negative.  We reduced an expense that counted against our property taxes and our general fund while maintaining positive revenue for garbage collection.”

“But many residents now pay more taxes,” countered the woman. “And we have to pay this fee on top of our taxes.”

“We said we’d keep taxes low.  We didn’t say anything about fees.”

After the woman was arrested, aliens, dressed as cheerleaders, rushed on stage.  They cheered, “Bill Mayer for mayor!”

“That man will never be allowed inside Clow again!” yelled Claar, as he finished brushing garbage off of his body.

After the cheerleaders were removed from the room, an unidentified alien yelled that Claar suffers from Fox News Delusion and is infected with memes.  It was escorted out of the room as well.

Claar then asked Trustee-elect Mary Sabri Alexander-Basta to say something.

She walked on stage, looked at her cell phone, and said: “Whenever the residents are upset, find a way to blame (Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz).”

“That’s the private memo!” snapped Claar.

“Oops,” replied Alexander-Basta.  “I’m still learning.  Let me see.  Oh, this one.”  She cleared her throat.  “I’m just happy to be here, and I want to help Roger defend Clow from the New World Order and from Bob’s protesters.  You will not annoy us.”

“That’s better.”

“Excuse me,” said Jaskiewicz.  “First of all, I had nothing to do with these protests.  Second, read our article about Roger’s poorly thought out garbage plan.  I’ve been calling for an open process for months.  This surprise letter and tax bill is not an open process.  Third, I still can’t believe Roger’s covert budget.  Roger, you’ve said that traffic to Clow UFO Base is growing, and based the budget’s projections on that growth continuing.  When you defected to the Illuminati and endorsed Donald Trump, UFO visits started declining.  The growth only started under the temporary stewardship of the Interstellar Commonwealth.”

“I have something to say,” interrupted Village Clerk Carol Penning: “God does not like people who stir the pot.  There’s a special toilet waiting for you in Hell, Bob, and you will be stirred—”

“We get the point,” interrupted Claar, as he was handed what appeared to be a glass of Coke.  “It’s time to stop the protests and start the celebrating.  I’m once again the most important Chicagoland mayor in the galaxy!”

Also in the Babbler:

Carnivorous grass spotted in Bolingbrook
Resident adopts garbage toter and dares village to take it away
Skepchicks get office space in the Bolingbrook United’s interstellar embassy
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/9/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Aliens charged with dumping a whale carcass on the Bolingbrook Golf Club (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Three aliens were arrested and charged with dropping a blue whale carcass near the Sixth hole of the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

“Bolingbrook is not a dumping ground,” said Peter. Z. Louis, a prosecutor representing Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “I will do all that I can to dump this criminal crew in the darkest, coldest cell on Pluto!”

Matt, who asked that we not use his last name, said he witnessed the whale’s impact:

“I was waiting for my food when I saw this blob in the sky.  I left my coat at the table and ran outside to take a look.  Af first I thought it was one of those UFOs that I always hear about in Bolingbrook.  Then I realized it was a falling whale.  Well, let’s just say I will never think of the term, ‘Bolingbrook Bounce’ the same way again!”

The aliens pleaded not guilty and asked to be represented by Bolingbrook attorney Joe Giamanco.  The judge informed them that Giamanco was not licensed to practice interstellar law, and assigned an attorney for them.

“My clients were framed!” said Jenny Z. Guzman, the lawyer for the crew.  “I will prove in court that they were working under the direction of Mayor Roger Claar.  He wanted a whale meat buffet and asked my clients to deliver a dead whale to the golf club.  There was a slight misunderstanding, and that’s why the whale was delivered to the wrong location.  I will also not tolerate jokes about Improbability Drives!”

Guzman insisted the whale was dead when the aliens found it in the ocean.

The New World Order wants to question the crew members regarding a whale that was found in the Amazon. 

A receptionist for Mayor Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed:

“The Bolingbrook S.T.E.M. association just held a demonstration for us, and Michael Carpanzano was the MC.  Can you tell that Bolingbrook Politics lady that it was not a political event?”

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer,  said: “What were you thinking when you posted those pictures in Bolingbrook Politics?”

“I have no idea what you are talking about,” said a man who sounded like Carpanzano.

“That’s not what my Channer friends are telling me.”

“You trust your Chinese friends more than you trust me, whom people describe as a community leader?”

“The point is, if I can figure it out, others can figure it out.”

“You’re so negative Charlene, and we don’t do negative in Bolingbrook.  So let’s say I did post photos of myself at the Trump fundraiser in Bolingbrook using a fake account.  I would have done it to trigger the Bolingbrook United members and make them look bad— Thus ensuring victory for the First Party for Bolingbrook.”

“That’s brilliant!” said the woman.  “It’s such a brilliant idea that it looped into (ableist comment deleted)!”

“Don’t make me do it!”

“Hear me out Mr. I Promoted a Tax Increase as a Tax Cut.  Your plan might have worked in 2017, but that was before the criminal investigations of Trump.  The optics are terrible.  You look like a teenage fan of a corrupt politician, while Bolingbrook United gets to brag about canvassing neighborhoods with the Bolingbrook police union!  And you undermined our latest rebranding flyer.  Now Maripat can cry, ‘Boo Hoo!  That flyer crossing out the Bolingbrook First name was so mean, but what do you expect from a bunch of self-identified Trump Republicans?’”

“I don’t have time for your immaturity,” said the man. “You are carped!”

“I counter with my Alligator Gar!”

The man screamed in horror.

The woman continued: “Leave the fake accounts to me, and I’ll leave the virtue signaling to you.”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar campaigns on Venus for the First Party for Bolingbrook
Clow UFO Base unions endorse Bolingbrook United
Post-modernists of Bolingbrook endorse Bolingbrook First
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/13/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction.