Interstellar Court refuses to throw away off-world absentee ballots. (Fiction)

by Reporter X.

The Clow UFO Base Court of Extraterrestrial Affairs in the 109,298,291 Circuit, based in Bolingbrook, IL, refused to ban the absentee ballots cast by Illinois residents working off-world.

“I cannot throw away legitimate votes because an orange-skinned human is afraid of losing his Congress,” said Judge Kilos Surgon.

The US Justice Department filed for an emergency injunction, stating that absentee ballots from off-world not be counted until their experts examine each ballot. They cited the possibility of “global unrest” if the judge refused to grant the injunction.

“We could be looking at mass casualties, power grid disruptions, diesel at $10 a gallon, and an ANTFA uprising in the US,” said Justice Department Peter Z. Davis.

When asked about the examination process, Davis said it would include sending armed Space Force Marines to the residences of voters if there are any “irregularities” with their ballots. “Our research suggests that we’re more likely to get the answers we want using armed officers.”

Joan X. Simons, a Bolingbrook resident who works on Pluto, testified that it was inconvenient for her to return to Bolingbrook to vote. “I’m out of PTO because I had to travel all the way to Mercury to get a special ID. Now they want to get rid of my absentee ballot?”

Bill Y. Emerson, representing the State of Illinois, pointed out that off-world ballots have been secured for decades, and it would be unprecedented to toss the ballots days before the election. “We shouldn’t be changing the rules because the President doesn’t think he’ll like the results.”

“Why?” Davis asked. “He’s the President. He can do anything he wants.”

After Surgon’s ruling, Emerson praised it as a victory for democracy. “Today’s ruling means it doesn’t matter if you’re an Illinois resident working out of state or out of this world. Your vote will count, as long as you submit your absentee ballot in time.”

Davis said he was disappointed, but not defeated. “The liberal alien court may allow questionable ballots into this election, but we still have plenty of options to get the Congress we want. Hopefully, we won’t have to resort to the violent ones!”

Also in the Babbler:

Former Trump Supporter: ‘They were supposed to suffer. Not me’
Governor Pritzker campaigns at Clow UFO Base
Space Force not allowed near Clow voting site
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/5/26

If you like my posts, then check out The Bolingbrook Babbler books. Available on my author page or other retailers. 

Influencer Ms. Sunshine rocks Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Mrs. Sunshine (@hey_missteacher)

By Reporter X

Social Media personality HeyMissTeacher (Ms. Sunshine), known for her quirky fashion videos, addressed several thousand extraterrestrials at Clow UFO Base. Her presentation was part fashion show, part lecture, and part avant-garde performance.

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta introduced Ms. Sunshine and urged the audience to pay close attention if they plan on leaving the base disguised as human beings. “In the past, we’ve loosened the rules, but some of you–I won’t name names–went too far. So if you don’t want me to cancel off-base passes, please listen carefully to Ms. Sunshine tonight. Especially if you don’t want to meet my Men in Blue outside.”

After taking the stage, Ms. Sunshine explained why it was important for extraterrestrials to be mindful of human fashion trends. “There’s always that visitor in the audience who thinks they can get away with wearing only a human suit on Halloween.” She scanned the audience. “Well, here’s the uncomfortable truth about humanity. A human suit makes you look like a nude human. When you’re nude, you’re naked. And when you’re naked, you’re exposed. When you’re exposed, you’re dead! A human suit is the foundation, not the end result.”

Throughout the presentation, Ms. Sunshine performed many of the same moves she’s known for on her videos. Including staggering across the stage before stopping to point out her fashion accessories, twirling, kneeling to highlight her shoes, and swaying her hips for several seconds. As in her videos, she pointed out that her quirky fashion choices were still classroom appropriate.

“This is why it is important to wear layers. If I show too much skin, I lose my teaching job. If you show too much of your human suit, you’ll be lucky if you’re dragged by the Men in Blue back to the UFO base. If you run into ICE agents and you’re showing too much of your human suit…Let’s not talk about it.”

She added, “There’s always that one visitor in the audience who says, ‘I don’t need to wear a full human suit because I’ll be wearing a skirt. Nobody on my world looks up a person’s skirt.'” She side-eyed the audience. “As a human female, trust me when I say there’s always someone who will try to look up your skirt. That’s why I keep saying you need to wear layers. Layers will save your life and your modesty, and we want to save both!”

Later in the show, Ms. Sunshine changed the cover of her glass eyeball to demonstrate how eye colors can enhance or detract from an outfit. She also offered advice to any extraterrestrials who plan on pretending they’re humans with at least one glass eye. “If you’re going to pretend to be like me, just remember you have no depth perception. Easy. But if you want to pretend you have two glass eyes, don’t walk around like a full-sighted human. Humans can’t see without eyes! No eyes equals blind. Blind puts you in a bind. Leave that to experts. I hear some of you saying you’re experts. No! Trust me! You’re not an expert. You’re a target for ICE!”

Ms. Sunshine received a ten-minute standing ovation after she finished her talk. After thanking the audience and the staff of Clow for hosting. She told everyone to leave the auditorium. “I don’t do encores! Seriously!” She then turned her back and walked off stage. After leaving the stage, she spoke over the public address system. “Ms. Sunshine has left the planet!”

Most alien attendees gave Ms. Sunshine’s performance positive reviews.

Said Glozoper from Zind Confederation, “I was going apply for a license to go outside on Halloween as myself. But after listening to Ms. Sunshine, I think I’m going to dress up as a stylish human instead.”

Also in the Babbler:

Will County Clerk sends ballots to off world voters
State police put down AI rebellion at Bolingbrook warehouse
Israelis arrested after attempting to ‘settle’ Palatine
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Space Force and IDF hold joint exercise in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Without notification, the United States Space Force and the Space Division of the Israel Defense Forces staged a mock invasion of Bolingbrook.

According to anonymous officials at Clow UFO Base, they almost launched interceptors to attack the approaching paratroopers and dropships. They were called off at the last second after Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth called. Despite the late notice, Hegseth insisted he did nothing wrong and that Jesus had already forgiven him. 

Said one female official, “I told him next time to contact us before landing troops in Bolingbrook. He called me a DEI hire. I said he didn’t earn his position and that he ran the Defense Department. I couldn’t understand his reply, and I think he slipped off his chair before disconnecting.”

Karen, who didn’t provide her last name, claims she spied on the so-called beachhead. She claims to have overheard an argument between a Space Force commander and the IDF fleet commander. According to Karen, the IDF wanted to drop actual bombs, but the Space Force commander refused.

The IDF commander replied, “But we’re the only IDF branch that hasn’t inflicted civilian casualties. Please?”

“No!” Replied the Space Force commander. 

“But Israel had the right to exist.”

“And we have the right to invade any country that disobeys us!”

“I’m telling Bibi!”

Eyewitnesses reported seeing 12 men entering Fountaindale Library carrying orange foam cylinders. Half wore Space Force tactical uniforms and half wore IDF uniforms. 

The leader of the Space Force team approached the front desk and said, “Pretend we’re armed and show us where you would keep the fake ballots.”

When a patron accidentally dropped a book, the IDF squad leader yelled, “Ceasefire violation!” The witness said the IDF members aimed their foam cylinders and started making shooting sounds. 

The Space Force commander shook his head and yelled, “Ceasefire!  Now!”

The IDF soldiers pretended to keep firing.  

“I said ceasefire!”

“This is a ceasefire,” one IDF soldier allegedly said. “They can’t shoot at us, but we can shoot at them before they violate the ceasefire.”

When the war game ended, Hegseth had a videoconference with the troops. Witnesses claimed Hegseth delivered a rambling speech    At one point, he said, “Real men commit war crimes.” He later said, “I wish all the Jews would hurry up and move back to Israel. I want to see the Second Coming of Jesus, God damn it”

The speech ended when an IDF general said, “Can we just skip to the part where you give us everything we want?”

The President’s Chief of Staff refused to let President Trump comment on the deployment.

In the background, a man who sounded like Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said, “You know the moment this war ends, they’ll convict me. You understand what I’m going through! Right?” After a short pause, he said, “Mr. President? Are you still alive?”

Trump replied, “Your temple has three missing walls. My ballroom has four walls, and a basement. A very deep basement.  You have a shallow wall.”

“Oy vey!”

Also in The Babbler:

Clow UFO Base cancels UFC match
Record number of residents applying to be alien abductees
Brookie chatbot argues with Copilot AI.
God to spare Bolingbrook 

Chicagoland’s UFO bases deal with the fallout from the Persian Gulf War (Fiction)

By Reporter X

From crash landings to “accidental” bombings, Chicagoland’s UFO bases are struggling with the fallout from the latest Persian Gulf War. 

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base and Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base are seeing a 1000% increase in emergency landings and hospitalizations. Officials blame the United Space Force, the IDF’s Space Division, and the Revolutionary Guard’s Interceptor Force for the increase.

“It’s a mess,” said an anonymous employee at Clow UFO Base. “Iran wants to draw alien civilizations into the war. Space Force fighters have a daily quota of spacecraft to shoot down. Israel is being Israel. And we’re dealing with their mess.”

Abigal Zepell, a pilot from the Interstellar Tribes of Israel, blames Israeli forces for her crash-landing at Sherman UFO Base. She claims she was bringing passengers who wanted to celebrate Purim in Israel. “I called Tel Aviv Control for landing instructions. I started by saying, ‘Shalom Shabbat’ like I’ve done countless times before. This time, instead of responding, they launched fighters to intercept us. I apologized, and said ‘Shabbat Shalom’ over and over. The pilot accused me of being an Iranian spy. He said he’d have to kill me, but promised not to pillage my ship.” Zepell confirmed no one died during her crash-landing.

ZoKlo, a pilot from the Interstellar Caliphate, blamed Iran for his crash-landing. “When I tried to reach Tehran Control, I was redirected to another control center. The controller asked if I was going to bomb the United States or Israel. I said neither, because we believe in peace. Then ten interceptors attacked us. When I protested, the controller said if Iran was going down, they were going to take as many civilizations down with them. Then he added that if I crashed into the White House or the Knesset, I would go straight to Paradise.”

Clow officials also claim that the US Space Force tried to bomb the base twice. Said one official, “I know the US likes to commit war crimes, but double-tapping Bolingbrook with bunker-buster bombs? Good thing we have strong force fields. Otherwise, people would be asking too many questions.”

Both bases have also been accepting alien evacuees from the Persian Gulf. Zop Glib, a resident of Alpha Centauri, posed as a human Dubai influencer until the war started. 

“I was willing to ignore the mistreatment of foreign workers because I loved my luxury human suit and my free apartment. Death by drone attack was a possibility I couldn’t ignore.” Glib hopes to buy a new human suit and start a new influencer career. “Maybe I could shill for Ground News. ‘The Left says this. The Right says that. But I read Ground News, so that makes me special!’”

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta praised the staff of Clow UFO Base. “The Trump Administration may be dumping lemons on the world, but the staff at Clow is making lemonade. Now, if we could just stop living in interesting times. That would make my job so much easier.”

Also in the Babbler:

Cats Against Kat Abughazaleh funded by AIPAC
Rep. Foster denies accepting political donations from Venus
Editorial: Daylight Savings Time is unraveling the fabric of Space-Time
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/15/26

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

If you are interested in a dramatic version of the Babbler universe, check out my book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. Available at most book retailers. You can also request copies from your local library. 

Aliens arrested after bombing Palatine (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Palatine police arrested an alien crew accused of dropping an EMP bomb into Twin Lakes. They were arrested after landing at Rob Sherman UFO Base, and, according to eyewitnesses, without resisting.

In a press conference with the interstellar news media, Palatine Police Officer Jack X. Mueller said, “Even though the water contained the EMP blast, we could ignore this incident. Dropping bombs on civilian targets is wrong. Unless you’re doing it on behalf of President Trump, which they weren’t.”

Mary, who did not provide her last name, witnessed the bombing. “I was just enjoying the unseasonably warm weather when I saw a flying saucer drop from the sky. It dropped a sphere into one of the lakes. There was a flash of light from the lake.  I expected hundreds of dead fish to float to the surface, but that didn’t happen. Instead, a voice came from the UFO’s speakers. It said if humans on this landmass didn’t stop killing protesters, they would keep bombing. They would stop when the killings stopped, or if they killed every human. Whichever came first. It finished by saying ‘Free Palatine,’ then it flew off. I always thought the protests at the clock tower were peaceful.”

The crew’s lawyer, Kathy Z. Delso, insisted her clients’ actions were justified. “My clients were only reacting to the murder of Renee Nichole Good. They heard President Trump threaten to bomb Iran if they killed protesters. So they assumed it was okay to drop bombs after a protester’s death. If the President bombs Iran, I’ll demand that the charges against my clients be dismissed!”

Palatine Village Manager Reid Ottesen said the Village will double Interceptor flights over Palatine in response to the bombing. “We understand why beings across the galaxy are upset with humanity right now. But bombing Palatine is not the answer.”

Palatine Mayor Jim Schwantz entered the office and asked what was going on. Ottesen replied, “I was just telling this reporter how you like to defuse controversy by writing proclamations then filing them away.”

“And it works,” Schwantz responded. “The progressives are happy that I recognized Gay Pride Month, and the conservatives are happy I didn’t mention it during a board meeting. That’s why I’m a Fremd graduate.”

Also in the Babbler:

Record number of transgender people file for interstellar asylum at Clow UFO Base
Packers fans blame God for Bears’ miracle win
DuPage Township and Village of Bolingbrook sign non-aggression pact
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/15/26

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

My upcoming Urban Fantasy novel, Revenge of the Phantom Press, is available for preorder. The release date is 1/31/26. If you like The Dresden Files and Welcome to Night Vale, you’ll like Revenge. It’s part of the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories books, which are available through most retailers. 

Space Force Marines release BP Commander Greg Bovino (Fiction)

By Reporter X

US Space Force Marines detained Border Patrol Commander Greg Bovino after an AI app mistakenly identified him as a communist space alien. After four hours, he was released at Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base. Bovino is the commander in charge of Operation Midway Blitz. 

“I forgive them,” Bovino told members of the interstellar press corps. “We come from different branches of the government, but we both want to prevent inferior beings from replacing real Americans!” He extended his arm straight out at an angle towards the gathered Space Force personnel, then said, “Hi Zeek. I’ll—” Some of the Marines responded by chanting “Sieg Heil.” Their commanding officers ordered them to stop. 

A masked commander from Space Force blamed Antifa for the “accidental detention.” He said, “Obviously, Antifa hackers altered our Starview Database to list Commander Bovino as a space alien. Just like the hacked Grok to make it think the commander was Cindy Sherman. Antifa is evil, but we are eviler! I mean greater!”

While Bovino refused to describe the conditions inside his prison ship, sources say he was kept in a pen with 20 other aliens. They also confirmed that he protested about the quality of his meals. At one point, he allegedly yelled, “I want white bread. Wheat bread is DEI!”

The press conference ended early as alien visitors and human staffers started jeering at Bovino and the gathered Marines. Palatine police officers used tear gas and sonic weapons to drive the protesters away.

An officer, who asked to remain anonymous, said, “I know we’re not supposed to help Space Force, but it was that or let them shoot up the base.” When asked if the Palatine police would arrest Space Force personnel who attacked innocent visitors, the officer replied, “Why would we do that? We’re all part of the same blue line. Us liners have to stick together!”

Also in the Babbler:

Trump threatens to sue Village over ‘mean livestream’
Local weredogs clash with ICE weredogs
NFL questions local wizards following Bears surprise win
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/7/25

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

My upcoming Urban Fantasy novel, Revenge of the Phantom Press, is available for preorder. If you like Urban Fantasy novels, like the Dresden Files and Welcome to Night Vale, you’ll like Revenge. It’s part of the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories books, which are available through most retailers. 

Mentour Pilot rocks Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

In front of a packed audience of humans and aliens, Petter Hörnfeldt, known as Mentour Pilot on YouTube, delivered a presentation on famous interstellar spacecraft accidents. The audience treated his presentation like a rock concert.

At one point, an alien yelled, “You rock, Petter!”

Hörnfeldt chuckled and replied, “I’m just doing my best to keep the skies safe for humans and other intelligent beings.”

During the presentation, the audience cheered, projected holographic lighter flames, and called out Hörnfeldt’s famous catchphrases. Some shouted “Free Bird!”

“It’s coming,” Hörnfeldt replied. “Don’t worry.”

The audience cheered for several seconds in response.

One incident Hörnfeldt discussed involved a UFO accidentally flying into the atmosphere of TrES-2B, the darkest exoplanet in the galaxy.

Hörnfeldt said, “Now, at this point, the crew should have tuned into the warning beacons orbiting TrES-2B. Because TrES-2B wouldn’t have appeared on their visual sensors or their radar.”

The audience replied, “But that didn’t happen!”

“Yes,” Hörnfeldt said with a smile. “It didn’t happen. Instead, the high mind set the autopilot to orbital velocity mode.”

“Remember that!” 

Hörnfeldt smiled again. “You guys are superfans.”

Like most YouTube influencers, Hörnfeldt mentioned his sponsors during his presentations.

“Now, at this point, many beings would pray to a higher power to save them. But. What if you don’t believe in a higher power, and you’re facing death? That’s where today’s sponsor comes in. Escape Velocity, your destination for atheist content across the galaxy. They’re the exclusive interstellar distributor of content from Freethought Blogs and The Orbit. In fact, if you subscribe to Escape Velocity right now, you’ll receive a free copy of Greta Christina’s Comforting Thoughts About Death That Have Nothing to do with God. Now, where was I?”

An alien shouted, “Why does every YouTuber have to put ads in their presentations?”

Hörnfeldt shrugged. “I have a family to support.”

The alien replied, “I wish humanity would hurry up and evolve out of capitalism. Ads are so annoying!”

After the last presentation, Hörnfeldt asked, “What do all these stories have in common?”

“Nobody died!” the audience replied.

“Exactly. So, fly safe up there.”

Hörnfeldt left the stage, and the audience cheered and projected holographic flames. In response, Hörnfeldt returned. For the encore, he did a presentation about PIOSEE, a decision method used by airline crews.

“You’ve been a great audience,” said Hörnfeldt. “Don’t forget to use code ‘Mentour65’ to get a 10% off a Clow human abduction license.”

Before Hörnfeldt’s presentation, Chloe Howe, the creator behind the Disaster Breakdown YouTube channel, was the “opening act.” Howe delivered a presentation about the Roswell UFO accident. 

“You may have heard the cover story,” said Howe. “A scout craft crashed near Roswell, New Mexico, killing all on board. The US military conducted a crude autopsy before Majestic 12 could see the bodies. A delegation from the Interstellar Commonwealth arrived in Washington DC, and the rest is history. But that’s not quite right.”

According to Howe, the craft was on a diplomatic mission, not a scouting mission. While entering Earth’s atmosphere, they detected two enormous balloons. Though the balloons carried sensors to detect nuclear tests, the captain assumed they were human spacecraft sent to greet them. When their transmissions weren’t answered, the captain ordered their ship to move closer. While the crew was distracted by sending transmissions, their ship collided with the balloons. The impact opened a cargo door, and four humanoid mannequins were sucked out of the ship. The balloons were a total loss, but the craft, though crippled, landed without incident. The army surrounded the ship, their weapons pointed at the craft. The captain stepped outside with a translator.

Howe said, “These were the first words spoken from the Commonwealth to humanity: ‘Don’t worry. Our insurance will cover this.’”

Howe, after concluding the presentation, said, “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must flee the ongoing disaster that is the United States. But please, subscribe to my Patreon, so I don’t have to shill for Ground News.”

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

My upcoming Urban Fantasy novel, Revenge of the Phantom Press, is available for preorder. If you like Urban Fantasy, like the Dresden Files and Welcome to Night Vale, you’ll like Revenge. It’s part of the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories books, which are available through all retailers. 

Web Exclusive: Aliens release abducted ICE agents (Fiction)

By Reporter X

An alien crew released four abducted Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

In a holograph taken of their release, one agent yelled back at the crew, “You don’t abduct us. We abduct you!”

An alien crew member responded, “At least we set our subjects free!”

According to sources at Clow, the alien crew captured the ICE agents in Chicago. The agents, allegedly wearing masks and not displaying any IDs, were about to “arrest” someone walking down a sidewalk. Before they could, they were pulled inside the aliens’ ship.

Peter, who asked that we not use their real name, claims the agents were going to arrest him. “At first, I thought angels were saving me from ICE, but then I realized it was a spaceship that saved me. I’m just happy to be saved.”

Peter, a Green Card holder from Canada, doesn’t have a criminal record, and claims his last interview with an Immigration official ended without incident. “A few days ago, I said ‘Zed’ in public instead of ‘Z’. Then I heard a woman say she just heard a terrorist speaking in code. She might have been talking about me. I wonder if Immigration heard about her allegation, terminated my Green Card, and sent ICE to disappear me?”

According to representatives from the Interstellar Commonwealth, the abducted agents were treated well during their captivity. The representatives claim each crew member had their own cabin, three meals a day, snacks, and didn’t implant them with trackers. The representatives agreed that the agents were subject to psychological experiments that caused, “no lasting harm.” The agents, according to the representatives, still protested their detention.

In a recording, an agent in their cabin yelled, “This is Rib Eye Steak! What kind of monsters are you? I want well-done New York Strip Steak now!”

Hours after the abduction, Space Force sent interceptors to retrieve the agents. The alien crew decided to cut their experiments short and land at Clow UFO Base. Once inside the base, Clow officials agreed to take the agents. The Marian Colonial military agreed to escort the crew out of the solar system. Space Force officials, afraid of offending the most powerful civilization in the galaxy, withdrew their interceptors.

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta declined to comment.

When asked to comment on the abduction, White Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt said President Donald Trump will rename Mars, “X”, in honor of Elon Musk.

In the background, a person said, “Are your new tariffs on or off tomorrow?”

“On,” said a man who sounded like Trump.

“Great,” the person replied. “I still have time to make some trades before the market closes!”

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.

Neither Elon Musk, nor Space Force Marines, nor a food bank protester could derail Clow UFO Base’s 2024 Holiday Concert (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Despite Mary Alexander-Basta’s plan for a subdued holiday celebration melting faster than a snowball on Venus, Clow UFO Base once again survived its annual holiday concert.

After the concert, Alexander-Basta said, “Any holiday concert I can walk away from is a good concert!” She also pointed out this concert had the least causalities and arrests since the 1966 polka themed holiday concert. 

Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler added, “Which is pretty amazing considering all the laser beams being fired and explosions going off. I guess you could say we kicked off the holiday season with a bang.” When Alexander-Basta stared at him, he asked, “What?”

According to sources inside Clow UFO Base, Alexander-Basta insisted that the concert have a food-based theme. She hoped this would ward off the calamities that plagued past concerts.

The organizers insisted that Clow’s alien visitors wanted to hear music that proved not all humans are like President Donald Trump. Alexander-Basta insisted on the food theme and told the organizers to trust her judgement.

Said one organizer, “It was disappointing at first. Then we realized we could have a food theme and show that there are humans willing to preemptively resist!”

The concert started with Bolingbrook First Trustee candidate Bhavini Patel welcoming the audience. 

“I’m proud of our UFO Base and I’m proud to be a resident of the Brook. Bolingbrook is great because I helped plan it that way. And if you want to buy a vacation home in our village, I’ll be handing out my realtor cards by the concession booths!”

The Clow UFO Base Visitor Choir started the show. In additional to performing traditional Christmas songs, they also played Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and Human Light songs. After their performance, a member took off their robe to display a t-shirt which read, “Donald Trump is the best argument for D.E.I.!” The Men in Blue escorted the being off stage. 

Former Village Clerk Carol Penning walked on stage unannounced. She sat down in her own chair and held up a bullhorn. Penning announced that staging a sit-in to protest the DuPage Township’s plan to build a new Food Bank in Bolingbrook. She asked others to join her on stage, but no one did. 

“How can you protest a food bank during the holiday season?” One alien yelled. 

Penning replied, “I’m protesting the proposed site, not the food bank itself. And I’m protesting that the Township Trustees hired someone to do a phone survey about the proposed food bank. That is so wasteful! Everything was perfect until the Democrat Party took over.”

Township administrator Jackie Traynere, who was in the front row, yelled, “Wait a minute! You didn’t complain when the Bolingbrook Park District conduced a phone survey about issuing a bond to pay for new playground equipment. Also, when the Republicans were in charge, all they did was run up legal bills, accuse each other of corruption, and flooded our offices with FOIA requests. Things were so bad that two men from Edgar County came all the way up here to complain!”

“Hey,” Penning replied, “If Donald Trump can make people nostalgic for 2020, I can make people nostalgic for the previous Township board!”

Two Men in Blue picked up Penning’s chair and carried her offstage.

“Mission Accomplished!” Penning yelled.

DuPage Township Trustee Reem Townsend took off one of her shoes and threw it in Penning’s direction.

To the surprise of the audience and the ire of Alexander-Basta, Bad Religion took the stage, and played a set that included the song “Raise your voice.” The crowd cheered and chanted “Resist! Don’t Submit!”

According to sources, Alexander-Basta asked one organizer why they selected Bad Religion. The organizer replied that there is a dish on Alpha Centauri that is pronounced “BAAD” and a dish from the Lzip Empire that is pronounced “re-eligion.” The organizer promised that the next two bands would be a better fit.

Punk rock icon Jello Biafra and a band of alien musicians took to the stage. 

“I usually perform spoken word pieces,” Biafra said. “But Trump’s re-election has put me in a singing mood.”

Biafra then launched into a rendition of “Holiday in Mar-a-Lago.” He followed up with two more songs, including “Florida Uber Alles.” 

Alexander-Basta glared at the organizer. The organizer replied, “Jello is human food.”

In-between sets, Elon Musk took to the stage, surrounded by robot bodyguards. Over the PA, Alexander-Basta asked why Musk was on stage.

Musk replied, “What a silly question. I’m the CEO of Space X, CEO of Tesla, Owner of X, President of the Musk Foundation, co-chair of DOGE and co-President of the United States. I can go wherever I want to go. Right now, I want to mingle with beings whose IQs are almost as high as mine!”

Seconds later, an explosion blasted a hole into the wall of the auditorium. A dozen Space Force marines stormed through the breach and fired at Musk. Musk’s robots shielded him and escorted Musk away.

A marine yelled, “The President doesn’t like you upstaging him.”

Musk replied, “Tell my co-President I’m the billionaire in this relationship.”

Audience members fired their weapons at Musk as well. Clow’s security robots sprayed the audience riot foam. The Men in Blue delayed the concert for 30 minutes to arrest suspects.

Ziplo, who asked that we not identify her home planet, said, “I had nothing against Mr. Musk. I just heard the shooting and thought it was CEO hunting season. That seems to be the new sport on Earth.”

Depeche Mode was the final surprise act. Dave Gahan told the audience, “We will not remember this night, but we’re going to make this night memorable for you!”

In the Mayor’s Skybox, the organizer told Alexander-Basta, “Depeche Mode. Pie à la mode. Get it?”

She replied, “Even I know they named themselves after a French Fashion Magazine.”

Depeche Mode played a full set, including the songs, “Going Backwards,” “Everything Counts,” and “Where’s the Revolution?” 

Before the last song, Gahan said, “This planet is about to experience something darker than any of our later albums. So, if you come back and humanity is gone, we hope you’ll remember how much you enjoyed this song.”

They finished their performance with the song, “Just Can’t Get Enough.” The aliens loved the song so much, they kept singing it an hour after the band left Clow and the house lights were turned on.

Alexander-Basta then took to the stage and said, “Happy Holidays. You don’t have to go back to your ships, but you can’t stay here.”

Audience member Lokdo said, “I have some hope for humanity after tonight’s show. If you guys go extinct soon, at least I know your artists tried to resist the darkness.”

Also in the Babbler:

One party rule returns to the Brook
Man frozen in 2016, horrified after waking up this year.
Local author switches from writing Billionaire Romance books to writing Health Care Vigilante Romance books
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/13/24.

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I volunteer for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.

Village of Bolingbrook considers importing water from Mars (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Fed up with Illinois American Water’s proposed rate increase, the Village of Bolingbrook is considering importing water from Mars.

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said, “It’s cheaper to drill a 10 KM deep hole, pump out the water, and ship it to Bolingbrook than it is to pay Illinois American Water to deliver Lake Michigan water.”

Sources in Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs describe negotiations with the Martian Colonies as, “Surprisingly productive.”

One anonymous source said, “Normally you have to grovel before (Colonial diplomats) before they’ll consider listening to you. This time they said we could skip to the part where we fearfully ask them for something.”

Another source said, “They even told us to skip the part where we beg them not to annihilate humanity.”

According to NASA, Mars’s underground reservoirs contain enough water to create a global ocean a mile deep. The Martian Colonies haven’t touched the reservoirs, nor have they allowed any visitors to drill into them.

Alexander-Basta claims the Martian Colonies are negotiating because the Village allows the Colonies to station troops at Clow UFO Base.

“Once you accept that they’re the rulers of our solar system, and don’t argue when they call humanity an asteroid stuck in their eyes, they can be quite reasonable.”

However, the Interstellar Commonwealth might veto any agreement on environmental grounds. Because the reservoirs are home to several endangered species, importing Martian water could cause mass extinctions.

The Commonwealth released a statement which read that they will review any trade agreement before making a ruling. The statement also read, “Just because some humans think the Martian Carp looks ugly, doesn’t give them an excuse to commit genocide.”

Alexandra-Basta would not comment on the Commonwealth’s statement, but said the Village has other options.

“We could mine water from the Oort Cloud and it would still be cheaper than buying water from Illinois American Water.”

Officials from Illinois American Water threatened to charge the Babbler their “ideal rate” unless this reporter stopped asking questions.

Also in the Babbler:

Village Board declines to change Bolingbrook’s name to Elonville
Alien traveled 100 light years only to find out Naperville Ribfest is permanently canceled
Local vampires urge humans not to buy the novelette, A Fire in the Shadows
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/17/24

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. You can also buy me a coffee.