By Reporter X
To combat the spread of the COVID-19 Delta Variant near Clow UFO Base, Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta ordered UFO crews to offer vaccines to their abductees.
“Nature has declared war on Bolingbrook,” said Alexander-Basta during a press conference with members of the interstellar media. “Administering the vaccine is the key to dealing Nature a humiliating defeat!”
Starting immediately, any UFO licensed through Clow to abduct humans must offer either the Pfizer or Moderna vaccines. Abductees are free to refuse the vaccine, but must still submit to the researcher’s procedures. Clow is the first UFO Base on Earth to mandate UFO crews to attempt to administer shots.
“Only just over half of our residents are fully vaccinated,” said Alexander-Basta. “That’s not good enough. We’re holding pop-up clinics and even going to people’s homes to give them the shot. Yet people are still hesitant to get vaccinated. Even (Trustee Michael Carpanzano’s) propaganda pieces—I mean social media posts— aren’t enough to overcome some of our residents’ reluctance.”
Alexander-Basta feels that aliens might be uniquely qualified to overcome vaccine hesitancy:
“If you don’t trust me, or my TV show, or your doctor, or President Biden, or President Trump, you might trust a member of an interstellar civilization. They probably know more about your physical health than you do.”
Alexander-Basta then introduced a man wearing a mask and a hooded robe that she identified as a member of the Illuminati’s Order of the Stairway. He attacked the vaccine-resistant as “foes of Bolingbrook and humanity.”
“I’m sick of staying in my pod. I’m sick of wearing a cloth mask when I’m not performing rituals, but most of all, I’m sick of the pro-COVID death cult in my party! They claim to be pro-freedom, but I have news for you: Death isn’t freedom! Dust to Dust? That’s communism! Do you think letting the weak die is masculine? (Expletive deleted!) That’s like saying, ‘I carry a gun because I don’t want thugs to hurt me, but I don’t care about my family!’ How far would the gun rights activists have gotten if we’d made that argument? You say you’re not going to take the vaccine because you don’t know every ingredient in the shot? Do you know the ingredients in all the COVID treatments? They’re under the same emergency use authorization as the vaccines! Do you think there’s a tracking chip in the vaccine? You’re not important enough to be tracked! And if we did want to track you, we’d track your smartphone! Just like the New World Order did during the insurrection! Trump is vaccinated! Mayor Mary is vaccinated! Everyone in the Fox News studios is vaccinated! Don’t be one of those selfish hippies with a US Flag patch. Get vaccinated, or get out of my village!”
As the man left the stage, he said to Alexander-Basta, “This is why you need a Mayor Emeritus.”
“While we agree that the vaccines are safe and save lives, and encourage vaccination, abductees are not in a position to give their consent. Abductees are in a state of mind similar to sleep paralysis. They can’t consent to major medical decisions in that state of mind. Plus let’s not forget why they are called abductees. For decades, the First Party of Bolingbrook has tolerated the kidnapping of residents for outdated experiments and profited from licensing fees. Some of us have always opposed this policy. Some of us didn’t always oppose this policy. One of us supported the policy before opposing it. Now all of us are united in our opposition!”
When reached for comment, Alexander-Basta laughed and asked this reporter to join her for a video chat with covert social media operative Charlene Spencer. When Spencer logged in, Alexander-Basta accused her of creating a front group called Suburban Residents for Higher Government.
Alexander-Basta: You won’t believe the trouble I went through to get your video pulled off of YouTube.
Spencer: What video?
Alexander-Basta: Don’t play dumb with me young lady. You know exactly which video I’m talking about. The one you uploaded from our guest Wi-Fi network.
Spencer: As a taxpaying resident of Bolingbrook, I’ve used the Village Center WiFi to upload many videos. You need to be more specific.
Alexander-Basta: I’m talking about the one that accuses me of controlling the distribution of a deadly drug that kills 95,000 people annually, is more addictive than cannabis, causes organ failure, and drains a quarter of a trillion dollars from the economy every year.
Spencer: Well, since you’re the mayor, that also makes you the Local Liquor Control Commissioner. So technically—
Alexander-Basta ended the call.
Also in the Babbler:
Sentient COVID-19 Delta variant insists it was born in India, not China
Scientist predicts if nothing changes, COVID-19 will wipe out most Republicans by 2024.
UFOs escaping Afghanistan land at Clow UFO Base
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week.
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.