Alien calls God ‘evil” at Clow UFO Base’s COVID-19 Memorial service (Fiction)

By Reporter X

During a COVID-19  memorial service at Clow UFO Base, alien atheist activist Ja Locas accused Earth’s religions of promoting evil:

“Some human religious leaders say they must hold crowded services during a pandemic,” said Locas.  “If your God requires risking His followers’ lives for rote rituals of praise, then your God is evil!”

Locas, who is the leader of the Interstellar Alliance for the Advancement of Non-belief, also said that he had a dim view of humanity’s future:

“Your secret societies tell me that humanity is ready to become an interstellar species.  But I look around and see protesters confusing reasonable stay at home policies with genocide.  I see anti-vaccination activists already working to derail mass immunization campaigns.  I hear Melania Trump selling Enceladus cheese from her factory as a cure for COVID-19.  I do not see a species ready for the stars.  I see a species about to be caught in the Great Filter.”

The speech was met with mixed reactions.  Oknak, a representative from the Universal Catholic Church, called for Locas’s execution:

“The real evil people are atheists who question our unquestionable God!”

Rabbi Ruth from the Interstellar Tribes of Israel, clad in a full biohazard suit, offered a different perspective during her speech: 

“Yes, God has unleashed a plague upon the Earth, just as He did to the lands of Pharaoh.  Like he did in Egypt, he will pass over people who leave a mark.  This time, the mark is not the blood of lambs.  It is the mark of science, medicine, and social distancing.  These are gifts from God, and humans who accept them will be passed over!”

Juanita Z. Patterson, the supervisor of the Clow staff members sequestered inside Clow, urged attendees not to focus on religious debates:

“On behalf of the Doomsday Crew, we are saddened by the deaths and suffering caused by the Pandemic.  We are angered by the politicians who cry ‘open the economy’ but really just want to deny poor people unemployment benefits and force sick people to work.  We look outside and see people who are numbed by the numbers:  Over 4000 dead in Illinois; 89,000 nationwide; and over 315,000 globally.  These were not actors.  They were not participants in a hoax.  They were human beings with families and loved ones. They had stories to tell, and now their stories have been truncated.  We are holding this memorial not to debate religion, but to mourn the loss of so many lives.  We may have lost not just so many souls, but the world we knew before we sealed ourselves inside Clow.”

After the speech, Patterson was heard saying that they should have had a teleconference with atheist PZ Myers instead of Locas.

When reached for comment, a receptionist for Claar said he was busy counting to fifty:

“This pandemic is so stressful that counting to ten doesn’t work anymore.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said:

“Dear God.  I found out that Children aren’t immune to the Coronavirus, and some sailors may have been reinfected.  I’m being forced to choose between saving businesses and saving taxpayers—I mean residents.  I don’t know how much more I can take.  Please give me a sign.  Any kind of sign to prove that you’re not giving me the Job treatment.”

In the background, someone yelled: “Murder Hornet!”

After several gunshots, another person yelled:  “Officer down!  Pistols don’t work!  Unlock the shotguns!”

“Now you’re just (expletive deleted) with me,” said Claar. 

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar and sentient coronavirus trade insults
Russian special forces spread anti-vaccination propaganda in Naperville
Edgar County Board denies dumping their COVID-19 patients in Will County
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/20/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Village of Bolingbrook slashes covert budget (Fiction)

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

Despite disaster relief funds from the Illuminati, the Bolingbrook Village Board approved a drastically reduced covert budget for the fiscal year 2021.

The vote was 5-1 with Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the New World Order, objecting to the Illuminati’s aid terms:

“This bailout gives the Illuminati part ownership of Clow UFO Base for at least 100 years.  Even if the residents elect a New World order slate, the Illuminati will still have a stake in Clow.”

“That board could vote to remove the Illuminati’s ownership stake,” replied Mayor Roger Claar.  “And don’t call it a bailout.  Call it a disaster relief grant.”

“Then if the board voted to remove their ownership stake, their relief grant becomes a high-interest loan, and the interest payments alone would bankrupt both our budgets.”

“Not my problem, Dabrowski.”

“Jaskiewicz.”

“Close enough.”

The approved budget furloughs 99 percent of Clow UFO Base’s staff; cuts the Department of Paranormal Affairs’ funding by 50 percent; cuts the Department of Interstellar Affairs by 40 percent; and eliminates village funded pensions for covert employees.  Employees will have the option of signing up for an Illuminati managed pension.  Additionally, all android doubles of the village board members will be placed in storage for at least a year.

“Let’s face it,” said Claar.  “We’re probably going to be doing most of our meetings online for at least a year.  The whole point of having android doubles was to allow my trustees to spend time with their families while the androids voted with me.  Since we’re all at home now, It’s cheaper to put them in storage.”

Trustee Sheldon Watts replied, “I’m going to miss controlling my android, but we have to set a positive example.  This virus is more dangerous than the flu!  I don’t care what the bad Facebook groups say.”

“While they’re being negative,” added Trustee Michael Carpanzano,  “I’m secretly working on a plan to reopen every business in the village— Because we have to stay Bolingbrook strong!”

“You never pass up an opportunity to attach your name to something,” said Jaskiewicz.

Carpanzano held up a rubber carp to his webcam for a few seconds then set it down.

“Even Bob is silent when confronted with my positivity!”

“Wow.  You just carped me again.”

“Silence is bliss!”

Ghost hunting license fees will also be doubled.

“I promised not to raise taxes on residents,” said Claar.  “I didn’t say anything about not raising fees.”

Claar warned that there could be more cuts in the future, especially if the COVID-19 pandemic lasts two years:

“The Interstellar Commonwealth has banned abductions of humans.  That’s one of Clow’s major sources of revenue.  They’ve also banned transporting humans off-world.  That’s another source of income down the drain.  They won’t lift these restrictions until the virus morphs away, or there is a vaccine.  I told them they were hurting our economy.  They said there are more important things in the universe than Earth’s economy.  Amazing, I know.  Anyway, until they change their position, there’s simply no demand for our services.”

“And it’s all Bob’s fault,” said Trustee Mary Basta.

“How?” asked Jaskiewicz.

Basta looked at a sheet of paper on her desk and then said:  “Sorry.  That was last week.  This week the Illuminati wants us to blame the Chinese government while exempting Chinese Americans from the backlash.  They keep changing our orders.”

Before the budget vote, QAnon addressed the village board on behalf of the Illuminati:

“We didn’t create this virus, but we’re grateful for the opportunities for chaos it has presented us.  Last year, I couldn’t even imagine armed protesters storming the Michigan statehouse, or someone holding up an Auschwitz sign in Illinois.  However, I’m sure the Illinois militias will appreciate it if you accept our disaster aid.

“That sounds like a threat,” said Jaskiewicz.

“I’ll give you a clue, Bob.  The best sub sandwich isn’t in a sub.”

“Huh?”

“Trust me.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook to hold zombie drill in July
Governor bans fishing on Bolingbrook’s emergency command pontoon boat
Chicago ghosts help enforce stay at home order
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/7/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Aliens killed by COVID-19 while protesting stay at home order (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Twenty aliens died from COVID-19 in Palatine while protesting Illinois’ stay at home order. 

An alien poses with a sign that reads, “Give me liberty and death.” The alien was on the way to a protest in Palatine.

The aliens, wearing human suits, started marching down Rand Rd, holding signs and chanting: “Give us Liberty!  Give us death!”  Minutes later, all the aliens started gasping for air and collapsed to the ground.  

Patricia Z. Numan, a Palatine resident, witnessed part of the protest:  “I thought their signs were great, so I slowed down and honked my horn.  One of the marchers staggered off the sidewalk towards me.  I was about to roll down my window when it sprayed this green liquid on my window.  Then it fell over.  The others started coughing too.  That’s when I sped off and called 911.”

According to Numan, she was detained for two hours while a hazmat team cleaned her car.

“I used to trust Fox News and distrust the government,” said Numan.  “After what I saw, I realized I was wrong.  Fox News works for the part of the Government that values businesses more than people. Governor Pritzker values me, even if I’m just a taxpayer to him.  I hate to say it, but I have to trust Pritzker over Fox News if I want to survive.  I’m all in for Illinois!”

When police officers from Palatine’s Special Affairs Division arrived, all the aliens were incapacitated.  Under orders from Village Manager Reid Ottesen, the officers burned the bodies before collecting them.

“We weren’t sure they were all dead,” said an officer, who asked to remain anonymous.  “But the Interstellar Commonwealth imposes fines if you’re responsible for letting an infection leave your planet.  So we couldn’t take any chances.”  The officer added:  “I might have heard one of them say, ‘Freedom.  We don’t want it.  We don’t need it.  Not!’  But that just could have been a death twitch.  I was just glad to finally be able to use our flamethrowers!”

Special Affairs and officials at Rob Sherman UFO Base are investigating the deaths.  While they have few leads, investigators doubt the protest was spontaneous.

“It’s odd that all the signs had the same two fonts,” said a Sherman official who wished to remain anonymous.  “It’s also odd that the same organizing message appeared on 12 different worlds at the same time.  We’re treating this as a case of Astroturf Manslaughter.”

A receptionist for Mayor Jim Schwantz said he wasn’t in Village Hall:

“He’s a part-time mayor, and he knows better than to risk infecting essential village staff.  Thank you for calling the Village of Palatine.  Yes, your request requires a permit.  Yes, you will have to pay a fee.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Schwantz said, “This message is for Mr. Hotel.  We got the Pez Dispensers!  Our blue men and red men love them.  Thank you for saving me from kissing an orange!”

Also in the Babbler:

Clow UFO Base to host Bolingbrook Pride Picnic
Mayor Claar begs Trump not to detonate a nuclear bomb over Bolingbrook
Bolingbrook residents report seeing an apparition of Mayor Lori Lightfoot
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/19/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Alien reporters flock to Chicagoland (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Klizgot, a reporter from Glot, an interstellar news agency, walks along the empty streets of The Promenade Bolingbrook with her cameraperson, Bloz.  Both are wearing human suits. Klizgot narrates:

“This was once the social and commercial center of Bolingbrook, home of the famous Clow UFO Base.  Now it is nearly abandoned.  The residents shelter at home to avoid being infected by the COVID-19 virus.  Bolingbrook’s leaders, like others on Earth, struggle to keep the pandemic under control.  Meanwhile, a death cult uses online and cable networks to spread their propaganda to lure—”

“You two are standing too close to each other!”  A woman yells, holding a bag of carryout from Mora Asian Kitchen.

“We are human reporters covering the great filter event.”

“Spreading fake news isn’t an essential business!  I’m telling (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) on all of you!”

Alien reporters from across the Virgo Cluster are flocking to Earth’s major cities to cover the Coronavirus pandemic.  Their organizations have established a base camp in Palatine, near Rob Sherman UFO Base.

“The Media camp is administered by the Interstellar Commonwealth,” said Palatine Village Reid Ottesen.  “They’re making sure that only visitors that are immune to the Coronavirus are allowed to land.  They also told me that the tunnels have their own immune system and the virus doesn’t stand a chance.  I wish they would give us the technology to do that, but the Commonwealth says humanity still has to prove it’s worth.”

Inside the camp, the alien equivalents of news actors broadcast stories about the pandemic.  Most wonder if human civilization is about to encounter “The Great Filter.  Most alien scholars describe it as the point at which a planetary civilization collapses or evolves into an interstellar civilization.

Nazoo, a reporter for Novacore News Agency, explained: “In human terms, imagine a bird jumping off of the edge of the Grand Canyon.  It will either flap its wings and fly, or it will plummet to its death.  It’s sad watching civilizations fail, but it’s also uplifting to watch the ones that survive.”

Like Earth’s media companies, the interstellar outlets feature pundits debating each other.  On one show, two aliens debated if humanity should be allowed to die:

“We can’t just keep watching species go extinct,” said the first alien.  “We have the power to save species like humans.  Our inaction is criminal.”

“Illogical,” said the second alien.  “The only thing that must be preserved is the economy.  This virus will purge Earth’s economy of its human infestation, and allow it to function efficiently.  No longer will the economy be bound to serving human needs.  It will finally achieve perfection, and we must not interfere.”

Plazego, a popular interstellar news personality, has been delivering monologs about Chicagoland’s response to the COVID-19 pandemic.  One of her recent ones dealt with Bolingbrook.  She concluded by saying:

“So Roger broadcasts that Bolingbrook is not a police state, that he’s doing the best he can, which he probably is, and we shouldn’t discuss local politics.  Yet in the same speech, he gets mad at people criticizing him, mentions Trump, then mentions a mysterious political email survey which angers him even more.  And you know when Roger’s angry, his supporters get angry.  Which would make the end of his speech…sound…Political?  Like he’s trying to make residents angry at his opponents and more likely to support his candidates in the next election?  Maybe.  And while this is happening, the Great Filter moves closer to Bolingbrook.  What will happen next?  Stay tuned!”

After the broadcast, Plazego said: “I love Rachel Maddow.

The receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed:

“You guys always say that as long as there’s a Bolingbrook, the Babbler will exist.  So I guess Bolingbrook isn’t dead yet.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said: “I’m working my (expletive deleted) off dealing with this pandemic.  What are you guys doing?”

A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz said:  “I’m here to tell our first responders that Giamanco Law Partners is offering them $10,000 in free legal services.”

“Michael?  I”m sure you can top that.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Michael Carpanzano said: “I’m promoting local businesses with my Bolingbrook Strong initiative!  Because it’s always important to shop during a major national crisis.”

“That’s the Republican way!”

“And I’m going to announce a contact-less Easter Egg hunt, which will bring the community together.”

“Let me guess,” said Jaskiewicz, “you’re going to use drones that children can control from their homes?”

“You’re so negative,” replied Carpanzano.  “This event will take place indoors!”

After several moments of silence, Jaskiewicz said: “You’re right.  I can’t top that.”

Before Klizgot and Bloz returned to Palatine, they interviewed a video blogger standing outside of NCH hospital in Arlington Heights.

Klizgot questioned why the blogger claimed NCH had no COVID-19 cases when that clearly isn’t true.

“There is no truth,” replied the blogger.  “There are only views, and my views are through the roof since I started posting about this fake virus.”

“But people are dying,” said Klzgot.

“People die all the time,” the blogger replied.  “Triggering liberals is special, and I can’t wait to post this video.”

“Did you go inside?  Because we’ve been inside.”

“My viewers don’t need me to go inside to know the truth.  They don’t want to believe the government, and I provide them with alternative facts to affirm their beliefs.”

“The government says Ricin is poisonous.  Do your followers believe it isn’t?”

“Well it is natural, so it can’t be bad.  Hey!  That will be a future video.  Maybe this time Donald Trump will post a link to my channel.  Thanks!”

Klizgot then turns towards the camera:  “As humanity approaches the Great Filter, there are humans risking their lives for the survival of their civilization, but they’re up against members of a militant death cult.   Will humanity survive, or humanity’s orange god of death get his sacrifice?  Keep watching to find out!”

Also in the Babbler:

Space Force confiscates toilet paper from Meijer
Skeptics arrested for attempted anti-homeopathy protest
Alien treated for cable news overdose
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

UFO crew surrenders to Pete Buttigieg (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Former Presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg meets with a crew of alien supporters.

After attacking UFOs displaying ads for Joe Biden and Elizabeth Warren, a UFO crew loyal to Pete Buttigieg surrendered after meeting with him. 

“The alien crew didn’t believe the reports of Pete suspending his campaign,” said Sheila Z. Blake, a spokesperson for the Palatine Police Department and Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base.  “Thanks to Pete, we were able to bring this unfortunate situation to a peaceful end.”

The craft started its attacks Sunday evening.  Interceptors from all three of Chicagoland’s UFO bases attacked the craft.

An interceptor pilot, who asked not to be identified, described the aliens as fanatics:

“They kept saying that Pete’s confession speech was ‘deep fake’ created by the Russians to fool Americans into electing Joe Biden.  They thought if Biden gets the nomination, then Trump would win the election.  I said the polls show that all the Democratic candidates beat Trump.  Plus Pete’s withdrawal might mean no candidate gets a majority of delegates.  The commander accused me of being fake news and tried to destroy me.  I never thought of Pete as having fanatical followers.  Let alone alien fanatical followers.”

After a long aerial dogfight, Sherman UFO Base told the crew that Pete Buttigieg wanted to meet them.  The crew agreed to land at Sherman UFO Base.  Interceptors from Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base at first kept attacking the craft but were eventually recalled.  According to sources inside Clow, Mayor Roger Claar choose to recall the fighters because he did not want to risk “dragging Bolingbrook into a protracted Democratic delegate fight.”

When the craft landed, Buttigieg entered the craft and let the crew scan him.  Once they confirmed his identity, Buttigieg told that he really did suspend his campaign and he did not approve of their “terrorism.”

“But,” said the commander, “How could you stop fighting?  You convinced us to dedicate ourselves to find the progressive middle.  You said that we must change the ways of your Washington DC, but not go down the path of Bernie Sanders.  You said Joe Biden was the path of failure.”

“Yeah, I said a lot of things during the election,” replied Buttigieg.  “But the fact is I can’t win, and Joe offered me a really good deal.”

“You made a deal?”

“Yes.  If Joe is elected, I will become the ambassador to the Interstellar Commonwealth.  Remember, the path of moderation requires compromise.  An unwillingness to compromise leads you down the path of Bernie Sanders.”

“We understand!  We surrender!  Please forgive us.”

Buttigieg forgave them but said they had to serve time for what they did.

The crew is currently in the custody of the New World Order, pending extradition to their home planet.

The Buttigieg campaign said they will donate their UFO ad spaces to the Biden campaign.

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar actives emergency command center at the Bolingbrook Golf Club
Minnesota talking land squids reported canvassing for Sanders
Bolingbrook tests ‘quarantine drones’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/4/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own and may not reflect the views of any organizations I work for or my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Martian Colonial marines seize former Old Chicago site (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The Martian Colonies launched a surprise invasion of Bolingbrook and seized the former site of the Old Chicago mall.

 During a press conference with the members of the interstellar media, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claa said: 

“Residents should stay calm. I hope I can talk some sense into leaders of the Martian Colonies so they will get the (expletive deleted) out of my village.”

Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler added: “As the universe knows, we have no effective defense against a colonial attack.  If they wanted us dead, we would be dead, because their weapons are at least 10,000 years more advanced than ours.  Hopefully we can resolve this before President Trump sends Space Force soldiers to be massacred.”

“Your crisis management skills suck,” Claar grumbled.

The Martian Colonial government released a statement denying that they had invaded Bolingbrook.  According to the report, the marines are part of a “peacekeeping mission.”

Part of the statement reads: “We are very concerned about the deteriorating political situation on Earth.  Earth’s collapsing ecosystem and humanity’s meme epidemic is stressing their governmental units to the breaking point.  Even the so-called United States, a government with nuclear weapons, is descending into lawlessness and corruption.  While we have not always agreed with the primitive policies of the Interstellar Commonwealth, we do not want to see any of its members endangered while visiting our solar system.  Our mission is to protect our alien visitors from the primitive natives of Earth.”

An employee at Cox Automotive, which owned the site prior to the invasion, claims he was present when the marines landed:

“A few minutes after I arrived at work, I was surrounded by armed aliens.  Their leader said that  they could have killed me and Roger wouldn’t be able to do anything about it.  Then he—I think it was a he—said that they were here on a peace mission, and that they were going to give me ‘special paper’ for the site.  Then several large crates appeared.  I looked inside, and saw they were full of dollar bills.  They looked real, so I agreed to give them the site.  Turns out, they paid $50.5 million.  Have you ever tried to deposit $50.5 million in cash?”

Sources connected to both Clow UFO Base and the Martian Colonies say the Colonists will build a 100 foot high “peacekeeping compound” on the site.  Troops stationed at the base will “protect” all aliens visiting Clow UFO Base, Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base, and Peotone UFO Base. The colonists will hire 1500 Bolingbrook residents as “supplemental memory storage units.” 

According to one source:  “They believe humans don’t use most of their brains, but that’s not true.

Claar says the invasion is a violation of Interstellar Law and the proposed base is in violation of several village building codes.

“The rule of law still applies in Bolingbrook because I made most of the rules!” said Claar.  

Claar announced that he planned on suing the Martian Colonies in Interstellar Court.  He also promised that any attack against Clow would be resisted:

“Clow can withstand a colonial attack 60 times longer than the average UFO base on Earth can.”

“The average UFO Base can last one-second against a colonial attack,” added Lawler.  “We can last one minute.”

“Which is longer than you’ll last if you don’t shut up!” snapped Claar.

A spokesperson for the Martian Colonies said their claim to Earth predates homo sapiens and therefore they are under no obligation to follow humanity’s laws.

When reached for comment, a receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said: “You are the first candidate for village manager who doesn’t want to sell the Golf Club.”

“Yes.  I think we should give it to the Bolingbrook Park District instead. A village government has no business running—”

“Next!”

Also in the Babbler:

Russia finally hits Bolingbrook with a snow attack
Residents warned to check attics for mold monsters
Werecoyotees canvass for Republican candidates in Chicago
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/21/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own and may not reflect the views of any organizations I am involved with, nor my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Web Exclusive: Aliens blamed for Iowa Democratic Caucus catastrophe (Fiction)

 

By Reporter X

Officials at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base confirmed that they are investigating possible alien interference in the Iowa Democratic Caucus. 

”We are cooperating with Tigerhawk UFO Base to determine if any of our visitors played a role in this catastrophic electoral failure, ” said an anonymous official. 

According to many sources, a high ranking member reported having an ”unearthly” encounter one week before the caucus:

”I saw a bright light descend from the heavens and land in front of me. A being emerged and floated towards me. I couldn’t really see it because the light was too bright. It handed me a flash drive and said it contained an app we could use to organize caucus sites and report the results to our headquarters. I thought it was an angel. So I took the hard drive and installed it on our servers. I didn’t test it because anything made by God is perfect, right?”

After the app failed to work, the official conceded that he might have really spoken to a demon. 

Anonymous officials at Clow expect to conclude their investigation within a week:

“Every craft that came any where near Iowa is grounded. We are questioning their crews and no one is leaving until we get an answer.”

A spokeswoman for the Iowa Democratic Party refused to answer questions:

“(Expletives deleted)!  We are going to post the results this afternoon!  There is a paper record from every caucus site in the state!  Nothing was lost. All you people do is complain. (Expletives deleted)  Why does Joe Biden in such a hurry to know that he came in last?  (Expletive deleted)! You didn’t hear me say that.”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Pro-Yang UFO collides with Pro-Sanders UFO over Palatine (Fiction)

By Reporter X

A dogfight between a UFO with a Bernie Sanders for President sign, and a UFO with an Andrew Yang sign, ended in a midair collision over Palatine.

“I heard a loud boom,” said Paige, an eyewitness who asked that we not use her last name. I looked up and saw two burning flying saucers plummeting towards Long Grove.”  She later added, “I knew the Democratic primary was contested, but I didn’t realize it was this bad.”

David from Long Grove claims he was one of the first people at the crash site:

“It was horrible.  Two aliens were hitting each other with computer tablets.  One said Earth needed a revolution.  The other said Earth needed a mathematical evolution and a dividend.  Other aliens were gravely injured but crawling towards each other.  They were going to fight to the death over Bernie and Andrew.  How horrible! I think I’m going to vote for Elizabeth Warren or Joe Biden.  I still can’t decide.”

Sheila Z. Blake, a spokesperson for the Palatine Police Department and Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base, confirmed the incident and that both crews have been arrested:

“Unlike (Bolingbrook’s) Clow UFO Base, we do not tolerate our visitors displaying political ads.  We believe that aliens, and Russians, should not be involved in our political process.”

Blake explained that both crews were being treated for injuries, but were expected to make a full recovery.  She also added that both UFOs were destined for Iowa, but spotted each other over Schaumburg: 

“The captains of each ship started insulting each other.  Traffic Control instructed them to return to Clow controlled air space, but they didn’t listen.  Instead, they started shooting at each other.”

Blake added that the social media team for Sherman UFO Base was able to pass off the crash as one of the many “mysterious booms” residents of northeast Palatine report to the police.

“Most of the time, they’re just UFOs launching whose crews forgot to activate their silencers.  This time was more serious and could have created a major security breach.  Let us make this clear:  Politics and UFOs do not mix in Palatine.”

Palatine Mayor Jim Schwantz laughed when asked about the crash:

“Where do you come up with these stories?  All I have to say is that our State of the Village Address is on February 19.  It’s free, unlike the one at a certain village we both know.”

Yang denied his campaign buys ads on UFOs:

“You know, with my Freedom Dividend, more people will have time to read your silly articles, and donate to SETI@Home.”

Sanders didn’t deny buying UFO display ads:

“That’s nice.  We need all the help we can get.  Biden has the 1 percent on his side.  Trump has the Russians on his side.  If the aliens want to display my signs, so be it.  Now stop calling me!”

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said: “Okay, Michael.  When I step down in May, the mayor’s job will be part-time, and my village manager will make most of the decisions for you.  Your job is to attend ribbon cuttings and defeat Bolingbrook United in the next election.  Any questions?”

“The office will still have a bar, right?”

“I’m taking the bar with me.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re not me, that’s why!”

Also in the Babbler:

Interstellar Commonwealth announces audit of Earth’s covert societies and governments
Bolingbrook police officer kills mold monster
Sources: Trump will announce the cancelation of the US election at Bolingbrook Golf Club
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/5/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Clow UFO Base takes in Australian evacuees (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Hundreds of aliens fleeing Australia’s record brush fires arrived at Clow UFO Base over the weekend. 

According to a statement from Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, “Clow is open to all visitors temporarily displaced by these fires. We ask that you respect the wishes of the Trump Administration and do not seek permanent residency within the United States— unless you can pass as a human from Scandinavia.”

Many UFOs arriving from Australia were damaged by fire or by lightning strikes.  Some were radioactive due to the destruction of Croc 7 UFO Base.

“Have you ever tried outrunning a nuclear shockwave while an airlock is closing in front of your craft?” asked Zeogost, who did not identify her home planet.  “I have, and believe me, it’s nothing like your movies describe it to be.”

Pasgoos, a biologist from Alpha Centauri, cried as he talked to this reporter:  “We tried to save some of the creatures, but the fires moved too fast.  I can’t believe that half-billion animals died.  Those flames are horrible.  I imagine the great burning of Mars was similar to what is happening now.”

Commander Quazoot, from Barnard’s Star, crash-landed her ship at Clow UFO Base.  Her crew survived the landing, but it will take weeks to repair her craft. She said:

“I thought it would be safe to fly into a pyrocumulonimbus storm.  First, the lightning strikes took out my shields.  Then the fire tornados damaged the hull.  Half my crew evaporated from the heat.  What are you humans doing to your planet?”

While Clow officials say hosting the evacuees is “relatively without problems,” some anonymous sources disagree.  Some of them claim that Space Force Marines stationed at Clow tried to build cages to “house alien detainees.”  Mayor Roger Claar, according to the sources, argued with the marines and was told only President Donald Trump could order them to stop.

When Claar called Trump, Trump allegedly said, “I need you to do us a favor.”

“Us?”

“My family, but mostly me.  That’s not the point.  The point is I need you to ask the Andromeda Galaxy to investigate the Biden family.  They’ll listen to you.”

“I don’t think—”  

“Don’t think.  Do.  That’s my motto in life.”

The sources say Claar transmitted the message while Trump watched.  Trump then ordered the marines to dismantle their cages “for now.”  After Trump signed off, Claar said he sent the message to Andromeda by radio instead of FTL communication.  The message, he said, should arrive in about two million years.

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy, and there was already a line of people waiting to speak to him.

In the background, a man who sounded like Gordon Kinzler, Republican candidate for Illinois’ Sixth Congressional District said: “I don’t know if I can beat (Jeanne Ives).  Her campaign just-released poll numbers—”

A woman who sounded like Charlene Spencer, covert social media operative, laughed:  “Those aren’t real polls.  Those are push polls.  Barber’s Corner Media did one on your behalf.  Take a look.”

“Wow.  According to your poll, I’m beating Ives by 10 points.  How did you do that?”

“We used loaded questions to emphasize your masculinity and imply that liberals would be triggered if a man beat Judy.  In an election, of course.”

“Oh.”

“If you hire us, we will reach enough Republican households to make a difference.  We can also run a poll implying that Ives wants to enact a radical feminist agenda and has ties to academia.”

“Feminist?”

“We’ll just leave out the trans exclusive part.”

“I don’t know.  My campaign is based on me being an honest guy.”

“Let me put it to you this way:  Do you want to be fighting liberals in Congress, or do you want to be known as the guy who couldn’t beat Michael Madigan’s favorite Republican?”

Also in the Babbler:

Iran will not deny plans to target the Bolingbrook Golf Club
Sen. Booker to hold victory rally at Palatine’s UFO Base
Claar rejects building permits for Apollo temple
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/9/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Web Exclusive: Aliens celebrate after Village of Palatine votes to allow sale of cannabis (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Aliens at Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base celebrated moments after the village board voted to allow the sale of cannabis.

Hundreds of aliens, who watched the meeting on a monitor, cheered after Mayor Jim Schwantz cast the tie-breaking vote.  Moments later, they started chanting, “420!”

“There is intelligent life in the northwest suburbs,” said Loapasgo, from Virgo.

“Any species can discover tools and war,” said Pogost, from Kepler-443b.  “A species that knows how to get high is a truly sentient species.”

Village Manager Reid Ottesen addressed the aliens by video chat:

“Do you guys promise not to fly while intoxicated?”

“We do.”

“Do you also promise not to get so stoned that you accidentally tell any Cook County elected officials you’re from outer space?”

“We do.”

“Then all of you are invited to the best UFO Base New Year party in Illinois!”

Ottesen confirmed that Sherman UFO Base will be the only UFO Base in Illinois that will allow the distribution and possession of cannabis:

“This will give Sherman a huge competitive advantage over a certain UFO base in Bolingbrook. Legal recreational drug use should be up to each individual visitor, and not dictated by the whims of a mayor.”

He also added that aliens will be restricted to using cannabis dispensaries that will open in the North Rand Road corridor.

“We already have an entrance in that area.  All they have to do is park their spacecraft, and walk to the dispensary of their choice.  We’ll give every alien a drug test before they leave.  If they’re still under the influence, we’ll give them time to recover.  No one will be arrested.”

Goklockdock, who asked that we not name her planet, said that she will do business at Sherman UFO Base instead of Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base:

“My planet’s atmosphere is 5% THC.  At Clow UFO Base, I had to fill out several forms to get THC pumped into my quarters.  Then (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) would stop by and tell me sob stories about all the hoops he had to jump through just to get 2% THC in my quarters.  I had to donate to his interstellar campaign fund or his interstellar charity to get him to shut up.  Now I can stop here and buy my own THC and get the right concentration in my quarters.”

Loapasgo also plans more visits to Palatine:

“I used to think of suburbs as populated by frightened human breeders.  You know the kind of humans that say ‘Oh, do not build something I do not understand in my backyard.  I’m scared it will affect the resale value of my home.  Oh no!  Do not build new transportation routes into my community.  People with different skin complexion will come here.  Think of the offspring.’ This vote proves you suburban humans are changing for the better.”

No arrests were reported at Sherman UFO Base, but a Palatine resident claimed he saw an alien at Park Place Shopping Center:

“I was about to load my car when I saw this small thing run out of the mall.  It looked like a naked troll.  It kept saying ‘420’ over and over.  I got scared when it looked at me and stopped cheering.  After a while, it said: ‘You’re just having a bad trip.  I’m not real.’  Then it ran back into the mall.  It had what appeared to be some kind of computer on its wrist.  Maybe it was an alien.  If it is, then maybe I could be featured in the third season of Hellier.  Call me, Greg!”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group