Illinois Policy Institute to release nuclear war economic recovery plan (Fiction)

File photo of a Mushroom Cloud.

The Illinois Policy Institute, (according to sources with relatives connected to the organization), will release a nuclear war economic recovery plan.

Excerpts from the plan place a high priority on keeping businesses open during a nuclear strike and in the immediate aftermath:

“The fallout from closing the economy would be worse than nuclear fallout.  We must make the public feel this way too.”

The report recommends that Illinois’ conservative outlets downplay the dangers of nuclear war, such as radioactive fallout, blast damage, and nuclear winter.  Instead, they should emphasize the “benefits” of a nuclear war.  The first benefit is the “incineration of Springfield, IL, and the Chicago Political Machine.”  Other benefits cited include: “the likely suspension of federal taxes” and “the transfer of power from unelected bureaucrats to motorcycle militias.”

The report adds:  “If you don’t count fatalities in Aurora, Chicago, Rockford, The Quad Cities, Springfield, and East St. Louis, most real residents of Illinois should be just fine.” 

The state government, instead of promoting what the report calls “policies that promote hiding in basements,” should counter “liberal fear-mongering” and keep the economy open:

“Chicago liberals say a nuclear blast can blind people because it is as bright as the sun.  Well, we have a sun, and most of us aren’t blind.  So instead of looking away from a nuclear blast, we encourage the public to go to their favorite restaurant and bar to celebrate the death of cosmopolitan liberalism!”

The report also recommends that the top priorities following a nuclear war should be enacting an income tax holiday for anyone making over $1,000,000 a year, suspension of all union contracts, canceling all gun laws, switching to cryptocurrency, ending all environmental regulations, and encouraging employment by canceling unemployment benefits.

“We need people to cut our hair, clean our shelters, and protect us from BLM/Antifa hoodlums.  They’re not going to help us if they’re collecting unemployment checks, afraid of getting radiation poisoning, or think they’re going to freeze to death.  By enacting these simple policy recommendations, we can ensure prosperity for Illinois’ billionaires, which they may share with the rest of the survivors.”

One of the sources claims that IPI will lobby Bolingbrook to include their recommendations in the Bolingbrook emergency plan.

A receptionist for Mayor Roger Claar said he was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said:  “Every Christian and Islamic leader in Bolingbrook is going to pray for a safe Village Picnic.  I even got the Naperville Unitarian Church to light a candle for us.  Charlene, you said you were going to reach out to the area Jewish denominations.  How did that go?”

“I got Reform, Conservative, and Orthodox rabbis to bless the Village Picnic.  The Reconstructionist rabbi read a blessing, but then said it really meant we shouldn’t hold a mass gathering during a pandemic.”

“Whatever.  What about the humanist rabbis?”

The first synagogue I tried was a no go.  I couldn’t get past the office manager.  He laughed at me and said I gave him material for his next monolog.  The second rabbi said something about ethics, coronavirus, and her Sunday School before hanging up on me.”

“Three out of five isn’t bad in this case.  Now I can say I did all I could to have a higher power prevent the picnic from becoming a super spreader event.”

“Actually, The Temple of Set has a Pylon in Bolingbrook.  I could—” 

“No!”

Also in the Babbler:

Jeanne Ives unleashes hand-shaking homicidal canvassers against Rep. Sean Casten
Space Force considers building its own base in Bolingbrook
Trump cancels speech at Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/24/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Video: No California doesn’t have ‘herd immunity’ to COVID-19 (Non-fiction)

Rebecca Watson, former co-host of the Skeptics Guide to the Universe and the founder of Skepchick, has a new video debunking the claim that California residents have herd immunity from COVID-19.

You can’t argue against it just because it may support some future conservative talking point, right?

Only, it’s not science. I am blown away by how misleading that article was. Remember the first Stanford researcher the article quoted, Victor Davis Hanson? He had nothing to do with the study. At all. He’s with the conservative think tank the Hoover Institution, while the actual scientists who did the study told Slate “Our research does not suggest that the virus was here that early.” Despite that, the KSBW mentioned Hanson early on, said he was with Stanford which would obviously cause people to assume he was one of the Stanford researchers who performed the study, gave him space for several quotes that are blatantly incorrect, and only later mention the “the study’s co-lead Eran Bendavid,” which by saying co-lead obviously people will assume the other co-lead is Hanson, since he had so much attention for the bulk of the article.

The full transcript is available here.

As she points out, there are problems with the current antibody tests and even so, the results don’t show that enough people have the antibody to provide immunity.  That’s also assuming that having the antibody means a person is immune, which researchers are still trying to determine.

It should also be noted that Illinois Governor JB Pritzker today mentioned the shortcomings of the antibody tests as a reason he’s not relying on them right now to determine policy.

Is COVID-19 being over-diagnosed? (Non-Fiction) (Video)

Rebecca Watson, founder of Skepchick and former Skeptics Guide to the Universe co-cost, posted a video countering the claim that COVID-19 deaths are being over-estimated:

The complete lack of preparedness and testing here in the US impedes that to the point that if anything, COVID-19 may be underdiagnosed and it may have caused many more deaths than known. How many people were unable to get tested, unable to afford to go to the hospital, and died at home? How many people even died in the hospital before testing was widespread? My fellow Skepchick writer Jamie Bernstein pointed out that a nursing home had 26 deaths in a month, compared to their usual rate of 3-7 deaths. Only half of the deceased were tested for COVID-19, so those are the only ones that went into the statistics. What about the other 13? We just don’t know.

COVID-19: A Babbler Special Report (Fiction)

With Bolingbrook, like the rest of Illinois, under lockdown due to the COVID-19 pandemic, we sent a team of reporters outside so our readers wouldn’t have to go.  These are their stories.

Church of Christopher Hitchens holds ‘Day of Booze’ service

Bolingbrook’s Church of Christopher Hitchens held a “Day of Booze” service to protest President Trump’s national day of prayer.  The church held a service in their parking lot, which was open to the public.  Attendees were offered a small bottle of whiskey and a free copy of God is not Great. Speeches by Hitchens played over a loudspeaker.

“Normally praying is a waste of breath,” said Grand Bartender Dennis X. Silverton.  “This month, it’s deadly because a sick person could be spewing death while begging a non-existent God for healing.  This is yet another example of religion poisoning Bolingbrook.”

Silverton added that he believed his service was helpful:  “Whiskey can be used to disinfect both inside and outside our bodies.  It’s better than holy water or a stale wafer.”  He also insisted that the Church of Christopher Hitchens is a real religious institution and not a way to avoid needing a liquor license. 

Beth, (who asked that we not use her last name) took a bottle of whiskey, then left the service early:

“I loved hearing Christopher Hitchens bash Islam— Especially when he said: ‘If the Qur’an was the word of God, it had been dictated on a very bad day.’  When he called Mother Teresa a fraud, I had to leave.  At least the booze was free.”

Mayor Roger Claar attended the service, though he didn’t engage with the audience.  He asked Silverton if he could “inspect” the church’s Corona Beer stock.  He later made a phone call and could be heard saying: “I’m not asking if we can use Bolingbrook Commons to house patients.  I’m telling you!” 

Weredeer struggle to find human mates due to bar closings

With the suspension of dine-in service at all of Illinois’ bars and restaurants, Bolingbrook’s weredeer are struggling to find human mates.

“The humans now want to sext instead of meet in person,” said Joan, a 20-year-old wereskunk.  “This is mating season.  I don’t want naughty messages!  I want kids!”

Steve, another Bolingbrook wereskunk, has tried “door to door” mating without success:

“Nobody opens the door anymore.  If they talk to you, it’s through a video doorbell.  When I do talk to them, my pickup lines don’t work.  Take last night, for example.  I tried this line on a woman:  ‘Women tell me their sex lives stunk until they went wereskunk.’  Instead of inviting me in, she called the Department of Paranormal Affairs on me.”

Unlike most animals, wereskunks can only conceive children with a human or skunk partner.  Most experts expect a baby boom of feral wereskunks this year.

“I’m not a bad guy,” said Steve.  “I’ll mate with my skunk cousins if I have to, but it’s boring.  Humans enjoy sex once they get around to it.  Skunks just treat it like a job.”

Joan added: “My brother had a skunk dad.  It was a struggle teaching him how to act like a human.  That’s why I want human kids, but it’s not going to happen this year.  Even when I say they don’t have to pay child support, and I’ll raise him or her myself, they’re still not interested.”

WeatherTech Restaurant closes at Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

Clow UFO Base’s famed WeatherTech Restaurant is temporally closed due to the base’s COVID-19 lockdown.

“As much as we’d like to stay open,” said manager Pete Z. Timble, “we can’t because we’ve been cut off from the factory.”

The restaurant’s meals are made with plastic scraps from the Bolingbrook factory.  For years, alien dignitaries have dined at the restaurant, and it is considered one of Clow UFO Base’s biggest tourist attractions.

Zoglod, a resident of Alpha Centauri, dined during the restaurant’s last day open:

“I fly here every year to try one of their dishes.  I’m glad I got to eat their CupFone sundae.  It was just the right mix of cold and warm plastic.  If humanity doesn’t go extinct, I’ll come back.”

According to Timble, the restaurant’s current leftover food will be added to Clow’s meal rations.  He expects the restaurant to reopen once the lockdown ends.

Also in the Babbler:

Village considers taking over all Bolingbrook Facebook groups
Will County Board Member Ventura demands county conscript all doctors
Weredogs insist they are immune to COVID-19
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/18/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

#Arsonemergency? (Non-fiction)

Some Climate Change change deniers aren’t content to ignore the Australian brush fires.   Instead, they are using Twitter to spread the lie that environmental activists are behind the fires. The Guardian has an article about the so-called #arsonemgerency.

Queensland University of Technology senior lecturer Timothy Graham, an expert in social media analysis, took a sample of tweets from the hashtag and analyzed them for characteristics typically associated with bots and trolls. His findings suggested a clear “disinformation campaign”.

“Australia suddenly appears to be getting swamped by mis/disinformation as a result of this environmental catastrophe, and we are suffering the consequences in terms of hyped up polarisation and an increased difficulty and inability for citizens to discern truth,” Graham told the Guardian.

The article goes to say that dry lightning, not arson, that is mainly driving these fires. Even if arsonists were involved, the changing climate is extending the fire season and reducing the time to safely conduct controlled burns.

We could have tackled climate change years ago, but distractions like #arsonemergency is one of the reasons we haven’t. We are starting to pay the price for that.

Hundreds arrested during the Clow UFO Base climate strike (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base’s security ruthlessly shut down a Climate Strike demonstration minutes after it started.  Over 100 aliens were arrested, along with 12 humans and 4 androids.  Over 100 beings were treated for injuries, but none were life-threatening.

“Let me make this clear,” said Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  “You can say what you want about Earth’s climate, but you cannot go on strike at my UFO Base!”

Anonymous officials claim that the organizers planned to block all the landing bays at Clow until Earth’s governments agreed to a geoengineering program to reverse global warming. 

“Clow would be out of business before any government would consider it,” said one anonymous official.

Organizers denied that the “Climate Strike” was an actual strike.

“It was a demonstration,” said Glowdia Padakolaka, a visitor from Tabby’s Star.  “Just because we called it a strike, doesn’t mean it is a strike.  We just meant that we think Earth’s governments should strike a blow against the forces changing the climate before they make Earth uninhabitable for humanity.  We didn’t deserve to be pepper sprayed for saying that.”

One of the humans injured was Rachel Ventura, Democratic candidate for the Illinois 11th Congressional District:  “Yeah it sucked getting sprayed with acid, but the doctors here fixed my skin for free.  What really sucks is being represented by Congressman Bill Foster!  He won’t support the Green New Deal.  As your Congresswoman, I will say this to the spineless Democrats in charge:  Give humanity the Green New Deal or give humanity death!  No other ideas are worth considering.  Like switching to nuclear power?  Hell no!  I won’t glow, Bill.”

Foster replied in an email, “(Representative Sean Casten) and I feel there are other options besides the Green New Deal.  At least Rachel and I are debating how to fight climate change.  Whoever Roger drafts to run against me will probably deny the problem.  I say keep the Sci Bros in Congress!”

Ventura was quested by Claar then released.  Sources say she was released because she, along with Claar, are members of the Illuminati.

Padakolaka said the organizers’ next goal is to secure the release of  Clow’s “climate prisoners.”  She also hopes to meet with Claar and explain the importance of combating climate change.

“Climate change is the great filter,” said Padakolaka.  “Too many civilizations reach this stage and perish because they’re not willing to make the necessary changes to protect their planet.  When an economic system favors extinction over preservation, that system must change.  Economies must serve their beings.  Beings must not serve the economy.  Civilizations that learn this lesson reach the stars.  I hope humanity learns this lesson before it’s too late.”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar deploys “floating emergency command center.”
Wereskunks defend littering as ‘a work of art’
Satanist says his religion requires a garbage toter in his front yard
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/28/19 

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Infected passengers from C/2019 Q4 transferred to Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Image of an interstellar cruise ship disguised as a comet.

Clow UFO Base officials confirmed that they received infected passengers from a cruise ship, known to the public as interstellar comet C/2019 Q4 (Borisov).

“We have taken all necessary precautions,” said Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  “Clow has one of the best medical facilities on Earth for treating visitors.  There is no danger to our residents or to humanity at large. Anyone who says differently is a foe and shouldn’t be trusted.”

C/2019 Q4 is a sub-light speed luxury cruise ship which has been traveling towards Earth for thousands of years.  According to Clow officials, the craft sent out a distress signal last month stating that half the passengers and crew were infected by an unknown illness.  After a medical team from the Interstellar Commonwealth visited the craft, they ordered most of the infected passengers removed from the craft.  Clow UFO Base was one of the sites chosen by the Illuminati to treat passengers.

Dr. Rachel X. Zimmerman, Director of Clow’s Infectious Disease Division, said many precautions were taken to reduce the risk of contamination:  “We have a special landing bay with a hospital for situations like this.  It has its own life support system.  We’re following strict quarantine procedures.  Our medical staff won’t leave until these patients are cured or incinerated!”

Qugodlak, a doctor from Barnard’s Star, said that cruise ships like C/2019 can become breeding grounds for infectious diseases:  “These ships may travel for thousands of Earth years before they can dock.  That means they’re never properly cleaned or repaired for most of their journey.  On Earth, a broken ice machine leads to food poisoning.  On one of these ships, they can create an ecosystem of death.  That why I tell my patients to never take a trip on one of these ships.”

Blousk, Head Thinker of Evolution Cruise Lines, thanked Claar for his help and defended his business:  “All of our passengers are practically immortal.  Who wants to live forever?  Those who die will die among the stars.  Those who survive will have loving memories of the evolution of humanity— As well as memories of our fine dining, and centuries of playing Gobabble Ball.”

Qugodlak said the healthy crew and passengers will be taken on a guided tour of Earth.  The ship will be depressurized and exposed to the Sun’s radiation in hopes of sterilizing it.  Once the ship is disinfected, the ship will be re-pressurized, and the remaining passengers and crew will be allowed back on board.

Their next destination will take C/2019 Q4 approximately 200,000 years to reach. 

A receptionist for Claar said he was out of the office and had no interest in commenting.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Michael Carpanzano said:  “We need to tell the whole world that Bolingbrook was chosen by Money Magazine as one of the best places to live in America this year.  Why are you shaking your head?”

A woman who sounded like Covert Social Media Operative Charlene Spencer replied: “First of all, being number 85 isn’t great.”

“Being 85 out of all the communities in the country is great!”

“Second of all, if you link to the article, people will discover that Naperville is ranked number 45.  They’ll realize that they can move to Naperville, save money, have a nearby Metra station, and be close enough to Bolingbrook to exploit all the things that make it great.”

“You’re so negative.  Why can’t you be positive, like every other Bolingbrook resident.”

“Positivity never leads to progress.”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens riot as Clow increases fuel costs
Residents clean up litter left by weredeer
Wereskunks apply for a cannabis license
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/18/19  

Is Weed World coming to Bolingbrook? (Fiction)

Could Bolingbrook become the home of the largest marijuana shopping center in the world? If Kevin Z. Sampson has his way, Bolingbrook Commons Shopping Center will become Weed World.

“This will be a totally immersive experience,” said Sampson.  “Once we open, you’ll never want to get high in your apartment or home again.”

Weed World should open in early 2020 when recreational marijuana use becomes legal in Illinois.  According to Sampson, Weed World will have a dispensary, hydroponic farms, “Inhalation booths,” home products, convenience stores, chat salons, and restaurants. Patrons will be able to buy marijuana, smoke it, eat a meal, hang out, and go shopping, without leaving Weed World.

“It’s a win, win.  Our customers will get high and generate revenue for the state and village. Bolingbrook can use its share of tax revenues to eliminate some fees.  Plus, I’m sure Weed World will drive up home values: Because in Bolingbrook, you’ll be able to get high at Weed World, and not have to worry about removing the stench from your own home.”

Patricia, a partner who asked that we not use her last name, believes Weed World will encourage corporations to relocate to Bolingbrook: “What CEO wouldn’t love to get high after a hard day of hyping up their company to Wall Street?  Sure we expect them to ban their employees from enjoying our product, but do you really think they follow the same rules as the rest of us?”

Not everyone is happy with the Weed World proposal.  An anonymous source within Bolingbrook United expressed concern that Weed World would undermine the purpose of the legislation:

“One of the goals of legalization was to undo the harm to minority communities caused by the war on drugs.  I don’t think the creation of a Weed Walmart was one of the goals.  We don’t have an official position yet, but I hope we decide to encourage the creation of many marijuana retail stores, rather than have one superstore in Bolingbrook. That will allow for mom and pop pot dispensaries as well as help the nearby restaurant and junk food industries”.

Sampson pointed to the area around the mall to counter that argument.  “I don’t know about you, but this area screams underdeveloped.  This shopping center has been an eyesore for Bolingbrook for over 30 years.  (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) hasn’t been able to fix it, but we’re about to.”

Patricia added that they will hire employees with previous experience: “They know more about our potential customers than some ad firm in Chicago.  We’ll need their experience so we can provide the highest standards of customer service.”

Sampson and Patricia were not concerned about the Village banning marijuana businesses:

“We expect to be very profitable, and we will reward those who will keep the Bolingbrook market free from competition—I mean excessive regulations.”

The current owner of Bolingbrook Commons Shopping Center could not be reached for comment.

When asked to comment, Claar said, “Just between you and me, this drug is dangerously unpredictable.  In the 1930s, it caused insanity and turned users into criminals.  Then it started turning people into hippies.  Then it turned your brain into fried eggs.  Who knows what it will do in the future?”  He made some unprintable comments about both Cook County Democrats and Illinois Democrats, then hung up.

Also in the Babbler: 

Village to ban betting on Royce Road RD flooding
Bolingbrook STEM Association denies helping the CIA hack Russia’s electrical grid
Trump tells Ricketts family to move Wrigley Field to Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/22/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Anti-vaccination alien terrorists spotted in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

By Reporter X

A still from a video of an alien anti-vaccination terrorist leaderBolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs is warning residents about a possible alien anti-vaccination terrorist cell operating in Bolingbrook.

Louis X. Peterseim, spokesperson for the department said: “If you so much as hear someone use ‘Jenny McCarthy’ and ‘vaccines’ in the same sentence, let us know.  Washington State wasn’t prepared, and now they have a measles epidemic.  Bolingbrook will not make that same mistake.”

According to the department, three members of the anti-vaccination terrorist group KuKPu’K were arrested. KuKPu’K operatives infiltrate civilizations and spread anti-vaccination propaganda.  Once a civilization loses herd immunity, the operatives release once preventable diseases into the general population.  Experts from the Interstellar Commonwealth’s law enforcement branch believe that over 20 civilizations have been destroyed by KuKPu’K.

“We understand that parenting is scary,” said Peterseim.  “We know that some vaccines have risks, but the benefits of vaccinating your children far outweigh the dangers.”

Peterseim and others in the department also insisted that the claim that vaccines cause autism is fake news.  

According to propaganda released by KuKPu’K, they are not opposed to vaccines, but are opposed to the spread of “gullible civilizations.”  

In one holovideo, a masked leader said, “Any civilization that is willing to let fear triumph over science and reason is not a civilization worthy of reproducing.  We are not infecting innocent children.  Their parents infected them by refusing to vaccinate their children.”

The department also urges all Bolingbrook residents to stay on a vaccine schedule not only for health benefits but to send a message to KuKPu’K:

“Jenny McCarthy and Robert F. Kennedy Jr. are not typical humans.  KuKPu’K may have fooled them, but they cannot fool the average Bolingbrook resident.  The best way to fight interstellar terrorism is to vaccinate your children and yourself!”

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar said she was busy and could not be disturbed.  She also said she believed that Claar fully supports vaccinations:

“Of course he does.  You know, he did earn his PhD., with a dissertation.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “So, Charline, what is your plan to destroy bolingbrookpolitics.com once and for all?”

“Oh, you’re going to love this.  First, I will use my sock puppets to tell them that you were seen on the Jumbotron during a Blackhawks game with a younger woman.  (Site owner Jason Cann) will publish the story even though we know that you would never do anything like that.  When he—Why are you giving me that look?”

Also in the Babbler:

New World Order fears losing DuPage Township to the Illuminati
Wereskunks threaten to endorse Maripat Oliver unless Claar meets their demands
Aliens call ‘Hellier’ documentary a ‘brilliant human comedy’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/14/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

From the webmaster: Our top ten most popular stories of 2018 (Fiction)

By Wendy Ononfrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

File photo of former CSI feline fellow Cassie.

Before we say goodbye to 2018, I thought it would be fun to look back at our most popular stories this year:

10)Acting Clow UFO Base administrator considers accepting transgender refugees The last we heard, a decision is still pending.
9)Illuminati honors Qanon at the Bolingbrook Golf Club She’s still going strong in some corners of the Internet.
8)From the webmaster: Bolingbrook Pride to host ‘Pride Picnic and Puppies’ on June 10 The next event is planned for June 2019 at Village Hall.
7) Village Board celebrates the opening of ‘troll farm’ in Bolingbrook They’re still in business and we can expect to see their work during the 2019 campaign.
6) Mayor Claar defiant as Clow UFO Base reopens Roger may not control Clow UFO Base currently, but he might after the April election.
5) Anonymous Sources: Rogue Township trustees set fire to IKEA solar panel The war between the Illuminati and the New World Order reached the DuPage Township.  Allegiances may have changed since this story was published, but the fighting rages on. Even the Edgar County Watchdogs, rumored to be Illuminati operatives, have joined the fight.
4) Center for Inquiry responds to harassment allegations against Lawrence Krauss by firing its feline fellows This one has kind of a happy ending. Krauss will retire in 2019 and the cats are enjoying their new home at the American Humanist Association.
3) The Roger Claar Party launches the first attack ad against the First Party for Bolingbrook The 2019 campaign is off to a negative start with a bold attack ad by the Roger Claar Party, which isn’t affiliated with Mayor Roger Claar.
2) Amid controversy, Joshie Berger opens a restaurant at Clow UFO Base It was closed during the uprising at Clow UFO Base, but it is now open again. Though it is not as popular as the WeatherTech restaurants.

And the number one story:

1) Illuminati honors Professor Jordan Peterson The Bolingbrook Golf Club was the place to be if you were a member of the Illuminati.