Acting Clow UFO Base administrator considers accepting transgender refugees (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Clow UFO Base could soon allow transgender humans to apply for refugee status.

“If Donald Trump and the Illuminati enact their plan to erase transgendered humans,” said acting administrator Aplodoxage Glomox during a press conference, “Then, under Interstellar Commonwealth policy, my staff is required to consider permitting transgender refugees into Clow.  I just ordered my staff to start their review and to make a recommendation by the end of next month.”

Glomox said she ordered the review after receiving intelligence reports from the Interstellar Commonwealth, and after reading a New York Times article about the Trump Administration’s proposal. The proposal defines a human’s gender identity only by their genitals.  Such a decision would revoke guidelines established by the Obama administration that protected trans individuals against discrimination.

“I would like to say that this decision represents primitive binary human thinking,” said Glomox.  “But many humans know that biological sex is a spectrum, not a binary. One cannot base their gender identity solely on biology.”

Mayor Roger Claar, who is also an Illuminati leader, did not dispute Glomox’s scientific claims.  “Since First Contact in the late 1940s, the Interstellar Commonwealth has never granted refugee status to any human or human grouping.  Never.  Why now?  I don’t understand.  I am very disappointed to see that Trump-phobia has reached the stars.”

Claar also added that he attended the Bolingbrook Pride event, and his interstellar charity, Humanoid Corrective Learning, does not discriminate on the basis of sex or gender identity.  

Then he said: “I’m concerned that this could lead to caravans of transpeople converging on Bolingbrook.  The refugee screening process can take up to two years.   That means thousands of people congregating in Bolingbrook with no interest in buying a home.  They’re going to rent, and that means lower property values for the rest of us.  I told Aplodoxage this, but obviously, my voice doesn’t matter anymore.  I’m only the longest severing mayor in Bolingbrook’s history. Why should it matter?”

Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the New World Order and Bolingbrook Pride, said people of all sexualities are welcome in Bolingbrook.

“If Roger doesn’t want a refugee crisis in Bolingbrook, maybe he should tell the President not to create one in the first place.”  He later added, “Bolingbrook needs to be an example for Illinois and the rest of the world to follow.  Part of that example should include acceptance of our residents and visitors, regardless of sexual orientation or identity.”  He then turned towards Claar, and said: “You can consider that part of Bolingbrook’s United political platform.”

Glomox said all refugees who pass the background checks would be resettled throughout the galaxy.  Unfortunately, most would never be allowed back on Earth.

“I agree with Bob.  It would be better if humans stopped treating their trans members as debate topics and started treating them as full human beings.”

Also in the Babbler:

Peotone UFO base on track for January opening
Editorial: Not every Will County politician or activist is guilty of a crime
Barrington’s estate owning residents worried about increased UFO traffic
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/25/18

Village of Bolingbrook executes anti-vaccination aliens (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The village of Bolingbrook executed 10 members of KukPu’K, an interstellar anti-vaccination terrorist group.

“We gave them a trial,” said Joan Armstrong, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs. “Then we executed them.  Why waste time on appeals?”  Armstrong added that village officials could have used the most painful form of execution, but didn’t.

KukPu’K has been convicted of genocide by the Interstellar Commonwealth’s court system.  Their members first spread anti-vaccination propaganda on a target world.  Once the inhabitants lose herd immunity to a deadly disease, KukPu’K operatives then unleash a very potent strain of the disease.  Members of KukPu’K defend their actions by saying they are not anti-vaccine, but “anti-stupidity.”  They feel that any species that rejects vaccination deserves to die.

Russian Internet trolls are suspected of working with KukPu’K operatives to spread anti-vaccination propaganda in Europe and the United States.  Anonymous sources say KukPu’K could be partly responsible for measles outbreaks in Europe and the United States.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar released a statement defending the execution of the terrorists two days after capturing them:  “I may have sold my soul to Donald Trump, but I will not sell out the unvaccinated babies who live in Bolingbrook.  I do have standards, no matter what my foes say.”

Claar’s statement also blamed the expedited sentencing on alien protesters who currently control Clow UFO Base:  “Because of the actions of a radical occupation force, the 109,298,291st Circuit Court relocated to the New World Order’s temporary and illegal base in Palatine.  With the court being inaccessible, we had a very limited window to process these dangerous criminals.  My foes will argue about due process.  The victims of KukPu’K and the anti-vaccination movement deserve due process too!  In this village, we know that vaccines don’t cause autism.  Even if they did, I will not let the irrational fear of autistic children endanger our residents!”

Bolingbrook United, the opposition party, released a statement condemning the execution.  “Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz is a member of the New World Order.  He could have work with the NWO to transfer the prisoners to the Interstellar Commonwealth authorities.  Show trials have no place in our village.  Due process is the vaccination against tyranny and one-party rule!”

Also in the Babbler:

Scientists:  Bolingbrook will be uninhabitable by the 23rd century
Residents demand an accounting of DuPage Township’s interstellar spending
Bolingbrook STEM Association denies building android assassin
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/31/18

Rebecca Watson is podcasting again (Non-fiction)

Rebecca Watson, a former Skeptics Guide to the Universe rouge, just started her own podcast.  Quiz-o-Tron is a monthly science and comedy quiz show where comedians and scientists compete for the coveted Quiz-o-Tron Belt.

I haven’t seen Quiz-o-Tron, but I did seem a similar program she put on at TAM 9.  Fun Fact, PZ Myers and I managed to make the finals of the audience participation segment.  It was a version of Match Game.  While I drew a blank, PZ picked the most popular answer.  While I lost, it was fun to watch and join in.  I can’t wait to listen to Quiz-o-Tron on my way to work.

Of course, she still has her YouTube channel.

From the webmaster: The first OrbitCon is April 13-15 (Mixed)

By Wendy Onofrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

Banner for OrbitConOur friends at The Orbit are hosting their first online convention, OrbitCon on April 13-15.  It will be accessible on YouTube and free to watch.  It’s like a secular convention that you can watch from the comfort of your own home.  From their first post:

Panels should broadly fit The Orbit’s themes of atheism, activism, and culture and our identity as a social justice network. That doesn’t mean they have to be super serious, solemn discussions. We’re anticipating a music “panel” that includes performance, and we’ll be shocked if we don’t have panels on Steven Universe and Black Panther.

They’re currently looking for panel and speech proposals.  There’s more information on their main page.

We’re currently thinking of our panel proposals.  What panels do you think we should propose?  Alien religions?  The cryptids of Bolingbrook?  Will future Bolingbrook residents worship Mayor Roger Claar?  Is it safe to punch space Nazis?  Bolingbrook: The most important village in the galaxy?

No matter what panel we propose, this is promises to be a fun and thoughtful event hosted by our sister network.

From the webmaster:  Eclipse sparks Flat Earth debate (Mixed)

The folks over at the Philly Voice were kind enough to host dueling comments between Flat Earth believers and people who know better.

An illustration of the alternative “Pond Earth Theory.”

From the Flat Earth side:

Rahu and Ketu in Vedic astrology are considered mythology by western astronomy. Rahu is the head of the serpent and Ketu is the body. In mythology, during an eclipse, they thought the head swallowed the sun.

We have to have something rise that causes eclipses in the flat-earth model. We think it’s not necessarily caused by the moon, though it could be.

From a skeptic:

Meanwhile, over a Flat Earth, you can have a small, local sun, overtaking a small, local moon (both moving to the West above the plane of the flat Earth) and the shadow will move West to East. That’s their argument, in a nutshell, and many FE folks are very, very excited about this eclipse because it will prove them right!

The truth is that the case of the eclipse shadow is dependent on linear speed (such as miles per hour) and not angular speed. How fast will the umbra travel? The units of miles per hour require us to do some math with those units.

So if you take the Earth’s rotational surface speed (roughly 1,000 mph at the Equator, more like 800 mph in Philly), and the Moon’s orbital speed (roughly 2,000 mph, eastward), this means the shadow will move faster than the Earth’s surface, to the East.

Personally, I think Phil Plait posted the best explanation back in 1998:

There is an unambiguous effect, though, of the curved Earth, which brings me back to my vacation. My parents live in Sarasota, which is about 1600 kilometers south of where I live near Washington DC. This is equal to about 1/30 of the way around the Earth, or 12 degrees. When I am at home and go out to look at Polaris, the North Star, it is about 40 degrees above the horizon. If I lived at the North Pole, it would be 90 degrees above the horizon, or straight up. However, when I visit my parents, I travel south, and so Polaris appears lower. Much lower, 12 degrees worth! That is very noticeable to the naked eye. On the other hand, stars towards the south appear to be much higher in the sky when I am in Florida. Last year I could clearly see Canopus (the second brightest nighttime star in the sky) to the South, but it never gets high enough to see from my house.

If the Earth were flat, we’d never see this effect. If the Earth were a disk we’d only see it if we traveled along the edge, and not the face. Therefore we must live on a curved Earth, a big ball in space (as a matter of fact, this effect can even be used to determine the circumference of the Earth!).

Village of Bolingbrook defends advertising on Tabby’s Star Dyson Sphere (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs insists that its advertisement on the Tabby’s Star Dyson Sphere is not political.

Bolingbrook’s ad is featured on the Tabby’s Star Dyson Sphere.

Doug C. Baker, a spokesperson for the department, explained:  Sure, the phrase, ‘When you think of Earth, think Bolingbrook First’ can seem like an ad for Mayor Roger Claar’s political party.  That is not the proper view.  Interstellar visitors have a choice of hundreds of UFO bases to visit.  We’re just asking them to think of Bolingbrook first.  Our mission is to promote Clow UFO Base, and that’s what we’re doing!”

In addition to the slogan, the advertisement also features a picture of Claar.  The font used for “Bolingbrook First” is the same font that the Bolingbrook First party use for their logo.  Both fonts are the same colors, which are also part of the official colors for Bolingbrook.

While the village denies it is an ad, Bolingbrook United, Bolingbrook’s other political party, has their doubts.  Jean Z. Burns, who works for Bolingbrook United’s office at Clow, believes it is a political ad:  “Roger’s insulting our intelligence!  Of course, it is an ad.  Roger just finished delaying a trustee (Robert Jaskiewicz’s) swearing in, and he’s already starting the 2019 campaign.  It stinks that he can post ads on a Dyson sphere, and we can’t.  Speaking of stink, when are we going to get rid of the cat pee smell around here?”

Loikxdz, the administrator of the Tabby’s Star Dyson Sphere Preservation Society, denies the ad is political.  “Ads help us preserve one of the oldest Dyson spheres in the galaxy.  Roger is very generous with the Department of Interstellar Affair’s promotional budget.  This money will help us educate the galaxy about our historic megastructure.  Oh, did you know that they built this without using lasers or radio signals to communicate?  Incredible isn’t it.  I’m sure that’s what’s confusing your low-level astronomers.  Oh, our Dyson sphere has the largest and highest resolution display screen in the galaxy.”

When reached for comment, a receptionist said he was busy and could not be disturbed.

“Darn, I have the wrong SOP manual.  I need the one for calls from the Babbler.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Charline did a great job on the press release for Trustee Leroy Brown’s recognition as a Rotary Club Paul Harris Fellow.

A man who sounded like Trustee Rick Morales said: “I thought the Valley View school district wrote that press release.”

“I go wherever I am needed,” said Charline.

Claar then said, “I’ve asked Charline to write a press release about your upcoming speech to the Bolingbrook Jaycees.”

“Yes,” said Charline.  “I will say that you are the first non-member in this area to be named a Mary Scholar and are going to be inducted into Shawn’s Circle of Power!  The highest honor the Bolingbrook Jaycees can bestow upon a non-member.  Don’t worry.   Roger will still be a 33rd and 1/3 degree Jaycee so you won’t outrank him.”

“Charline, all I’m doing is giving a presentation on the lost art of balancing a checking account.  It sounds like you’re going to lie about my speech.”

“Impossible,” said Charline.  “The weak lie.  The powerful mold their truth onto reality.  You’re not weak.”

“I would appreciate it if you would go along.”  Said Claar.  “These releases will help us in our campaign against Bolingbrook United.”

Morales sighed.  “If I disobey you, Roger, Bolingbrook will descend into anarchy.  I’ll do it!”

“Good.  Charline, when you are done with Rick’s press release, I need you to write about my visit to Saint Francis of Assisi.”

“Sure!”

“Rick, I’ve always been a patron.  Thanks to Charline, now I will be able to add the word “saint.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook police arrest man who turned own home into a country
Taste of Bolingbrook 2017 is the first without an alien incident
Mayor Claar rejects UFO version of Lisle’s Eyes to the Skies
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/21/17

Web Exclusive: Flat Earth believers reapply for charter school in Valley View School District 365U (Fiction)

The Flat Out Truth Educational corporation, a company that promotes “reexamination of Flat Earth Theory,” announced that it would reapply for a charter school in the Valley View 365U School District.

An illustration of the alternative “Pond Earth Theory.”

Company president Marc I. Hill stated he was very hopeful that the application would be accepted this time: “In 2014, we were ahead of our time.  Now the world has changed.  Rappers can rap about our Flat Earth and still have a career.  An NBA player can criticize globalist thinking and still have a career.  Flat Earth memes populate the Internet.  More importantly, Betsy DeVos is now the Secretary of Education.  Valley View won’t have a choice but to accept our charter school.  Just look at what she did for Detroit!”

According to Hill, the charter school will teach students from Kindergarten through Fifth Grade.  All textbooks will be published by Flat Out Truth, and all lessons will encourage “skepticism of popular globalist views.”  Science textbooks will present the “theory” of how the Earth is an infinite plain of ice.  Humans live in a “warm oasis surrounded by walls of ice.”  History textbooks will present “theories” about how globe manufacturers persuaded governments to cover up flat earth theory, and news stations prevented people from getting too close to the ice walls.

“Have you ever wondered why there’s a military base at the so-called South Pole?”

Hill says that the school will also promote the religious faith of its students:

Revelations 7.1 says the Earth has four corners.  Qur’an 20:53 says the Earth is spread out like a carpet.  Science says otherwise.  Who should our students trust?  God or Richard Dawkins?”

No school board members would comment for this article, but president Steve Quigley did laugh before hanging up.

A science teacher, who asked not to be identified, said there was no reason to teach Flat Earth Theory in the Valley View curriculum:

“The ancient greeks knew the Earth was a globe.  They could tell because they could see new constellations when they traveled further south.  They also noticed during lunar eclipses that the shadow of the Earth is round.  Eratosthenes accurately determined the circumference of the Earth in 240 BC.  We have photos that show the Earth is a globe.  The horizon itself is a product of the curvature of the Earth.  Anyone can see the curvature of the Earth if they fly in a high-altitude aircraft.  So who are you going to trust?  Scientists and the patriotic pilots in the air force, or neo-Nazi Tila Tequila?”

Hill says he not worried about possible resistance from “globalist union teachers”:

“All I have to do is give a large donation to Bolingbrook’s Mayor Roger Claar, and we’ll be up and running in no time!”

When called for comment, a receptionist said Claar was discussing business with intern Charline Spencer, and could not be disturbed.  She added:  “Roger believes—no, knows– that the Earth is a globe.  He also doesn’t control the board of education.  End of discussion.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said:  “Okay, Charline, tell me your idea for the podcast ad.”

Spencer replied:  “Come to the Taste of Bolingbrook on June 17 and 18 at the Promenade Bolingbrook.  All of the great food you expect with none of the Cook County Democrats!”

“Not bad.”

Bolingbrook Placebo March draws twenty marchers (Fiction)

Twenty people joined the Bolingbrook Placebo March to protest “materialistic science.”

Sign that reads, "I am Storm."

A Placebo marcher holds up an “I am Storm” sign. The imagery is from the “Storm” online short film.

“Science teaches us that ghosts aren’t real, we inherit traits from our family members, and CO2 is bad,” said Patrick Z. Williams, march organizer.  “Well, if I descended from my cousin, why is my cousin still around?”

Many of the marchers said they supported President Donald Trump’s proposed cuts to scientific and medical research.  While critics of the cuts say they will harm innovation and stifle scientific research, the marchers pointed to Cook County.

Janet X Carlson said: “Ever since the University of Chicago was founded, crime, atheism, political corruption, alcoholism, and loud music have skyrocketed in Cook County. It is no coincidence that the two science marches in Chicagoland took place in Cook County.  Science is crooked!”

Peter, who asked that we not use his last name, added: “Donald Trump is great without science!  Getting rid of science will make America great again — no matter what Bill Nye says!

Though the march was not political, some members wanted the village to grant more business licenses to homeopathic and naturopathic practitioners.  Some also called for Bolingbrook to ban “unsafe” vaccines.

Janet explained: “If the mayor, or whoever is in charge, doesn’t act fast, all of Bolingbrook’s residents will be autistic within ten years!”

Williams, using a dangling crystal as a guide, started the march at the Fountaindale Public Library. He seemed to lead the marchers in random directions.  Several minutes later, Williams lead the march across the street to Village Hall.  The marchers made their way to a car parked in a no parking fire zone.

There Williams stated: “We must be radiating positive energy. The mayor is here!”  After marching around the building and chanting, they arrived outside Mayor Roger Claar’s office patio.  After a few more chants, Claar stepped outside and addressed them.

“You know, just because you have the right to protest doesn’t mean you should.  You guys are giving me a headache!  And don’t even think about running for office.  I had to spend over $200,000 on the last campaign!  That’s money that could have gone towards scholarships, church donations, new cars, and trips to meet constituents around the world!  Now go home before I call my police department!”

At first, the marchers seemed demoralized.  Then Williams addressed them:

“I just played back what he said with my reverse speech app.  He really likes us!”

The marchers then started chanting “Roger” and “Science sucks.”  Five minutes later, a police officer asked them to leave.

“This was a very successful march,” said Williams.  “We didn’t have the numbers that the March for Science did, but we met the mayor, so that means our march was more potent! “  He added: “Honestly, what has science done for Bolingbrook?  Aside from Adventist Hospital, the Internet, and Whalon Lake?  Well, there is material science that allows WeatherTech to make great floor covers, but the CEO supports Trump, so I guess it’s OK.”

Also in the Babbler:

Claar: Government shutdown won’t affect Clow UFO Base
Chicago Scientists breed plant eating cat
Aliens arrested at Chicago March for Science
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/28/17