Web Exclusive: Our readers speak out (Fiction)

By Doug Fields
The Reader’s Editor

While most our staff recovers from a suspected Russian biological attack, I decided to share some of the letters we’ve received. The ones I’ve selected cover the hot issues in our exceptional burb. 

We received quite a few letters about gun control. Some were very disturbing. A few Bolingbrook High School students argued that they should be able to buy assault rifles from the pawn shop across the street, to “protect themselves from teacher tyranny.” Other residents say they have the right to shoot at any public official they disagree with. We have forwarded these letters to the proper authorities. At the very least, you won’t be getting any awards from the village this year.

This is one of the sensible letters on gun control:

To the editor:

It seems that my fellow Second Amendment supporters are more interested in triggering liberals than promoting sensible gun use.  I’ve seen women put pistols in their yoga pants, and men put pistols in the crotch of their jeans. Don’t get me started on so called “open carry activists” who bring their guns to crowded places. Their actions endanger both themselves and the public. 

Thanks to some unfortunate incidents, more people support gun control today. It is scary, but that is no excuse to scare others. The public cannot tell the difference between a good guy with a gun, and a bad guy with a gun. We need to start acting like a well-regulated militia, or else the government will regulate us!  

Peter Z. Williams,
President of the Bolingbrook African American Rifle Association

Next, what would a Bolingbrook letters page be without a garbage letter: 

To the editor:

I am pleased to announce that I will be marrying the garbage toter I just met at the Home Depot. Not only will I be marrying the love of my life, but my spouse will be able to go anywhere on our property.  My love will be spending her days sitting by the side of our house, and no one, not even our dictatorial housing association, can stop my spouse!

I’m sure (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) will try to stop me, or impose a fee on my spouse.  He will fail because I know that every Bolingbrook resident, with few exceptions, supports freedom, and therefore will support my freedom to marry my loving garbage toter!

Name withheld by request,
Bolingbrook, IL

We believe in many things here at the Babbler, but we don’t believe that a garbage toter can consent to marriage.  I do have to wonder if this letter and the next letter are part of the same campaign:

To the Editor:

The Cook County Democrats have gone too far!  They’re organizing a “Bolingbrook Pride” event.  We’ve never had a gay event in Bolingbrook before.  Why now?

The answer is simple. The Chicago political machine, lead by Rahm Emanuel, Louis Farrakhan, and Jesus Garcia, want to take over Bolingbrook. This “pride” event is cover for an invading Cook County army! 

I don’t hate gay people.  I just don’t think they belong in Bolingbrook—  and Cook County has no business imposing them on us!  

I’m calling on every decent resident to stand up to this invasion force.  We stood up to Cook County last year.  We will do it again.  Keep your (offensive term redacted), Cook County!  Bolingbrook is a wholesome community!

Matt X. Stone
Bolingbrook, IL

I think I can speak for the entire Babbler staff regarding this letter.

First, there is no word in the English language strong enough to describe your total lack of knowledge about Cook County politics and your disrespect for LGBTQ+ people. Second, there are LGBTQ+ residents in Bolingbrook, and they help make Bolingbrook the diverse and vibrant community that it is today.  As far as we’ve determined, Bolingbrook Pride is locally organized, and we should be at their event in some manner.

You may not hate LGBTQ+ people, but attitudes like yours make life difficult for them.  They should be proud to be surviving the hate and discrimination imposed on them, as well as proud to be who they are.

That’s it for this week’s letters.  Remember, anyone can post a web comment.  Only a select few will have their letter published by me.  Are you up for the challenge?

Also in the Babbler:

Babbler staff recovers from Russian biological attack
Alien arrested at Bolingbrook storage facility
Mayor Claar planning secret trip to the Congo
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/3/18

Web Exclusive: Were-skunk escorted from Village Board Meeting (Fiction)

Bolingbrook police officers peacefully escorted a were-skunk from the 8/15/17 Village Board meeting. Mayor Roger Claar ordered the male were-skunk removed because he feared that he would spray the room.

“Our procedures for cryptid mammal removal worked,” said Officer Jill.  “Roger first sent a text message to the BCT control booth to end the live broadcast.  Then he signaled us to move in.  Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz distracted the audience with a long speech while we asked the cryptid to follow us.  I’m sure Robert is going to be mad that BCT didn’t televise his entire speech, but he did help us, which we appreciate.”

The alleged were-skunk, who asked to be called Sid, denied that he had any hostile intentions.  He claims that he was there to support Claar:

Image from toter.com

“We heard a rumor that (Roger) was going to discuss a proposal to provide trash toters to all residents.  All because some residents don’t like my cousins eating their garbage.  I also heard that Roger was going to imply that requiring trash toters is a bad Democrat Party idea.  So I wanted to be there to support him.”

Sid added that Were-Skunks, like most omnivores, prefer a variety of foods, besides grubs:

“My cousins love Bolingbrook because sometimes residents will put their garbage on the curb the night before trash pickup.  My braver cousins like to stay up late and open up trash bags after the residents go to work.  Toters make it very hard to get at the tasty food.  It’s so hard for my Chicago cousins because they have to deal with the city’s toters.  Bolingbrook is like a skunk paradise.  We’re not going to let Bolingbrook United take away our free buffet!”

After being removed, Sid said he was disappointed in Roger.  “Roger said nothing when his assistant said he was hoping for a cold winter so my cousins would die.  That was so insensitive!  All we do is eat the food your voters throw out.  Sure we spray, but only in self-defense.  We can live together, and you can learn so much from us.  Just stop acting like Naperville residents!”

Charline Z. Spencer, the public relations intern for the Village of Bolingbrook, denied that a were-skunk was at the village board meeting.

“Where do you get these stories?  The truth is the viewers on BCT suffered through an extra long meeting.  Roger felt that if he kept broadcasting Robert’s speech, there was a risk of viewers dying of boredom.  That’s why we had to de-platform Robert and replace him with a video of an 80s cover band.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Why can’t we redefine residents as anyone who lives within Bolingbrook’s boundaries who supports me?”

A man replied, “Because the state—”

“(Expletive deleted) the state government!”

Update 8/17/17: Bolingbrook Community Television sent us the following statement:

We schedule a certain amount of airtime for the Board meetings. Normally it was for 2 hours. The meeting went over by quite a bit… We have to login remotely to change the time.  We did it twice. But we didn’t get in time for the third time.
For that, we apologize. But it was only trustee comments that got cut.

Off-world Jews kicked out of the Chicago Dyke March (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Ten Jewish lesbians — from the solar system of the Lost Tribes of Israel — were kicked out of the Chicago Dyke March, along with three Jewish Earthlings.  They were removed from the march because they were rallying behind a gay pride flag with a Star of David.

According to the Windy City Times, the flags “made people feel unsafe,” because the march was “anti-Zionist” and “pro-Palestinian.”

Navit, a resident of the Asher world, was outraged by the decision: “I traveled several light years and endured a bus ride from Bolingbrook to make this march.  Now they’re kicking me out because of the Star of David?  Why wasn’t this a problem the previous three times I attended?”

Kalanit, a resident of the Levi world, was confused by the expulsion.  “I don’t agree with what the state of Israel is doing to the Palestinians.  We had nothing to do with the current situation.  It happened decades before we reestablished contact with Earth.  Besides, even the Jews on Earth have different opinions on the treatment of Palestinians under Israeli occupation.  Expelling us from a march doesn’t help.  It just pushes us into the arms of Prime Minister Netanyahu.”

“Ew!” Said Navit.  “Seriously, if you have a problem with the Israeli government, you should protest them, and leave other Jews out of it.”

Iliana Figueroa, a member of the Dyke March Collective, gave the following statement to the Chicagoist:

“Yesterday, during the rally, we saw three individuals carrying Israeli flags super imposed on rainbow flags. Some folks say they are Jewish Pride flags. However, as a Collective, we are very much pro-Palestine. When we see these flags we know a lot of folks who are under attack by Israel see the visuals of the flag as a threat, so we don’t want anything in the [Dyke March] space that can inadvertently or advertently express Zionism,” she said. “So we asked the folks to please leave. We told them people in the space were feeling threatened.”

Another member, who spoke anonymously to the Babbler, also defended the decision:

“If these aliens believed in justice, they would invade Israel and liberate the Palestinians.  They don’t.  So we know what their real agenda is!”

Both alien women say they still intend to visit the Chicago area in the future.

“The members of Kol Hadash and Beth Chaverim are always very welcoming to us.  They understand that preserving Jewish culture doesn’t mean believing in God.  These congregations alone make the trip to Earth worthwhile.”

They also said they would continue to attend Pride events on Earth, but will avoid the Chicago Dyke March in the future.

“When did being Jewish and being a queer become incompatible?” They asked.

Also in the Babbler:

Anonymous fooled into leaking fake alien video
Sources:  Mayor Claar asked to host talk show on Fox News
Transphobic AI obsessed with suspending Facebook accounts
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/1/17

Chicago police foil kidnaping of the Lake Michigan monster (Fiction)

Chicago Police Department sources say they arrested four Scottish citizens for the attempted kidnapping of Mishy, the Lake Michigan Monster.

According to the CPD,  three men and one woman were caught on a boat with a large fish net and sonar equipment.  When questioned, the group said they “had always wanted to go dragnet fishing in Lake Michigan”.  After further questioning, one of the men confessed that the group was actually trying to capture Mishy.

According to the man, the Loch Ness Monster died eight months ago.  The group hoped to capture Mishy to transport her to Loch Ness.

According to an officer, who wished to remain anonymous, “The group said tourism was suffering because of the lack of Nessie sightings.  One of them said that the town of Loch Ness has no other industry and it was a matter of saving jobs.”

The sources also agreed that the group thought Mishy wouldn’t be missed:

“They did point out the lack of Mishy sightings, and the lack of media reports, as proof that Great Lakes residents don’t care about Mishy.  I don’t know about that.  There’s just so much to do in Chicago, that we’re probably distracted when Mishy surfaces near the city. Sure we sometimes call her a lame lake monster, but we mean it affectionately.”

Since Mishy is listed as a cryptozoological creature, it is illegal to remove her from her natural environment.  Chicago police arrested the four, who are still in custody.

Clark Z. Davis, who claims to be the group’s lawyer, says his clients will be vindicated in court:

“My clients did nothing wrong, besides not having the proper export forms or knowing the arcane rules for International transport of a live animal.  They are not kidnappers!  They are British heroes! I mean Scottish heroes!  Brexit is so confusing!”

James X. Wilson, who claims to be Mishy’s trainer, says she belongs in Lake Michigan and promises more spectacular displays from her:

“We’ve been making progress since our first training session in Lake Geneva.  Since then we’ve been training along upper Lake Michigan.  A TV station did a story about her, and she’s been on YouTube!  She’s almost ready for prime time.”

Wilson walked past the Chicago Lakefront Trail and called out to Mishy:  “Do the hump trick.”

A small wave formed.

“Hump trick!”

Another wave formed.

“Not in the mood today?  No problem.  Stick your neck up!”

A vaguely shaped object surfaced.

“You look like a branch of a sunken log!  Stick your neck up higher!”

The object rolled underwater.

“I don’t blame you.”

Wilson jumped into the lake and swam out several feet.

“OK, Mishy!  Toss me in the air!”

Wilson bobbed in the water.

“That’s better.  See?  This is why I have the best job in city government!”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar:  Certain lawyers only cause “trouble”
Bolingbrook police rescue ‘Royce Road Truther’ from floodwaters
Bolingbrook United asks for embassy at Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/4/17