Clow UFO Base bans political display ads on spacecraft (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base announced it is banning all UFOs from displaying political ads on the outside of their spacecraft, and from showing them during abductions.

“I don’t know what (Mayor Roger Claar) was thinking,” said acting administrator Aplodoxage Glomox during a press conference.  “Actually, I have my suspicions, but this is not the place to talk about them.”

Two UFOs flying over I-88. Each is displaying a political ad.

A rare photo of two UFOs with political ads. They were photographed flying over I-88.

Since 1989, Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs has allowed aliens to sell political advertising space on their spacecraft, provided they did not violate visibility rules.

“Depending on the time of day, a craft may be visible to the naked human eye,” said Paul Z. Coker, spokesperson for the department.  “All the visibility windows vary, but they’re all less than a minute long.  A lot of political campaigns will pay good money for those few seconds.”

Clow UFO Base staff will not provide a list of ad buyers. They insist that all the human buyers have permission to contact aliens.  Sources confirmed that off-world “political influencers” have bought ads, but refused to provide more details.  Ads could only be paid for using Interstellar Credits.

Glomox said the display ads are inconsistent with the Interstellar Commonwealth’s policy towards Earth:

“We are supposed to be subtly guiding humanity towards full membership in the Commonwealth.  Political ads on our spacecraft are as subtle as the rings of Saturn.  Besides, there are only two types of ads:  Either ‘this candidate is perfect’ ads or ‘this candidate is evil’ ads.  Neither are helpful.  Some humans worship us. So we have to take our role as guides seriously.”

Posslot, a resident of the Barnard’s Star solar system, is disappointed in the ban: “Sure I made a fortune off of the ads, but they’ve also helped my research.  Running (Representative Peter Roskam’s ads) proved to me that you can raise your constituents’ taxes all you want as long as you call yourself a Republican and call your opponent a Democrat.”

Stizaleek, a resident of Pluto, said she was going to stop putting ads on her UFO anyway:  “I like Lauren Underwood, and I wanted to help her.  So made my own video ad, and displayed it on my craft.  One night I flew over her house and sent her a message telling her about my ad.  At first, she didn’t know what to think of about my craft, but then she replied that if I was going to run ads, she couldn’t talk to me.  Something about being against the rules to coordinate with political action committees.  Well, I don’t want to be a political action committee of one.  So I stopped running the ads.  I still hope she wins.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was out of the office for the rest of the week.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz said: “Charlene, did you hack my Facebook account, and were you the one who told (Trustee Rick Morales) that I wrote that fake post?”

“Not now,” said Charlene.  “I’m in the middle of something, Bob.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts yelled: “That’s not how the Universe works.  That’s not how anything works!”

“Charlene, what’s going on?” asked the man who sounded like Jaskiewicz.

“Roger asked me to help Sheldon get ready for next year’s campaign.  So I decided to help toughen him up by locking him in a room with Kanye West.”

“Does Roger know you’re doing this?”

“He said that as long as I get results, he doesn’t care how I do it.”

The man who sounded like Watts yelled: “Charlene, get me out of here!”

“You still have 57 minutes left.”

“I can’t take it anymore.”

“I’ll let you out if you refuse the holy spirit.”

“You’re evil, Charlene!”

“You’re so judgmental, Sheldon!  I identify as amoral.”

A man who sounded like West said, “You can’t leave now.  I still need to talk to you about Drew Peterson.”

The man who sounded like Watts screamed.

Also in the Babbler:  

Men in Blue defuse anti-matter bomb at Clow UFO Base
Mayor Claar denies Bolingbrook will invest in a lunar golf course
Bolingbrook Politics administrator denies 99% of members are Russian trolls
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/31/18

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Acting Clow UFO Base administrator considers accepting transgender refugees (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Clow UFO Base could soon allow transgender humans to apply for refugee status.

“If Donald Trump and the Illuminati enact their plan to erase transgendered humans,” said acting administrator Aplodoxage Glomox during a press conference, “Then, under Interstellar Commonwealth policy, my staff is required to consider permitting transgender refugees into Clow.  I just ordered my staff to start their review and to make a recommendation by the end of next month.”

Glomox said she ordered the review after receiving intelligence reports from the Interstellar Commonwealth, and after reading a New York Times article about the Trump Administration’s proposal. The proposal defines a human’s gender identity only by their genitals.  Such a decision would revoke guidelines established by the Obama administration that protected trans individuals against discrimination.

“I would like to say that this decision represents primitive binary human thinking,” said Glomox.  “But many humans know that biological sex is a spectrum, not a binary. One cannot base their gender identity solely on biology.”

Mayor Roger Claar, who is also an Illuminati leader, did not dispute Glomox’s scientific claims.  “Since First Contact in the late 1940s, the Interstellar Commonwealth has never granted refugee status to any human or human grouping.  Never.  Why now?  I don’t understand.  I am very disappointed to see that Trump-phobia has reached the stars.”

Claar also added that he attended the Bolingbrook Pride event, and his interstellar charity, Humanoid Corrective Learning, does not discriminate on the basis of sex or gender identity.  

Then he said: “I’m concerned that this could lead to caravans of transpeople converging on Bolingbrook.  The refugee screening process can take up to two years.   That means thousands of people congregating in Bolingbrook with no interest in buying a home.  They’re going to rent, and that means lower property values for the rest of us.  I told Aplodoxage this, but obviously, my voice doesn’t matter anymore.  I’m only the longest severing mayor in Bolingbrook’s history. Why should it matter?”

Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the New World Order and Bolingbrook Pride, said people of all sexualities are welcome in Bolingbrook.

“If Roger doesn’t want a refugee crisis in Bolingbrook, maybe he should tell the President not to create one in the first place.”  He later added, “Bolingbrook needs to be an example for Illinois and the rest of the world to follow.  Part of that example should include acceptance of our residents and visitors, regardless of sexual orientation or identity.”  He then turned towards Claar, and said: “You can consider that part of Bolingbrook’s United political platform.”

Glomox said all refugees who pass the background checks would be resettled throughout the galaxy.  Unfortunately, most would never be allowed back on Earth.

“I agree with Bob.  It would be better if humans stopped treating their trans members as debate topics and started treating them as full human beings.”

Also in the Babbler:

Peotone UFO base on track for January opening
Editorial: Not every Will County politician or activist is guilty of a crime
Barrington’s estate owning residents worried about increased UFO traffic
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/25/18

Three weredeer and a wereskunk arrested following an incident at Regal Bolingbrook Stadium 12 (Fiction)

Content notice: This post deals with the Justice Brett Kavanaugh.  If you are dealing with issues related to sexual assault, you may wish to visit RAINN.

File photo of a weredeer.

An alleged fight between several wereskunks and weredeer last Friday ended in the evacuation of Regal Bolingbrook Stadium theaters.  The Department of Paranormal Affairs arrested three weredeer, and a wereskunk after the incident and released the other creatures.

Most eyewitnesses agree that someone pulled a fire alarm, and staff members evacuated the theater.  Many attendees say they say they saw nothing unusual during the evacuation. Staff members who spoke anonymously said they were instructed not to look at security monitors, or to use the rear entrances.  

Two witnesses, however, claim to have seen a brawl between a group of weredeer and a group of wereskunks.

“I was about to fall asleep during Peppermint when the doors by the screen flew open,” said Beth, who did not wish to reveal her last name.  “These tall weredeer staggered into our theater.  They were chanting, ‘We love beer!  We love Kavanaugh!’”

According to Beth and her friend Blake, several wereskunks transformed into their half-human, half-skunk form and approached the weredeer.  

“The weredeer accused the wereskunks of ‘hogging’ women,” said Blake.  “At first I was terrified.  Then one of the weredeer said he was the new Buck of Bolingbrook.  I guess that’s an important leader or something like that.  I don’t know.”

Both Beth and Blake agree that the Buck said he was leading the feral weredeer out of the woods and back into Bolingbrook.  The Buck then actually said that feral weredeer had the first choice of all the women in Bolingbrook.  According to the Buck, the appointment of Kavanaugh meant that the agreement between the feral weredeer and the Bolingbrook Jaycees was void.  The agreement states that weredeer who refuse to abide by human dating and relationship norms should move to the wilderness and only mate with deer.  Weredeer can only produce offspring if they have sex with a human or deer.

“I was so disgusted to hear that weredeer say that if human females didn’t want to mate with weredeer, they shouldn’t be in Bolingbrook,” said Beth.  “I am not a sex object!  I am a person.  They made a bad week even worse.”

“The wereskunks stood up for humanity,” said Blake.  “They said all mating should be consensual.  Maybe skunks aren’t so bad after all.  I just wish they’d leave our garbage alone, or pay for our garbage bins.”

Both witnesses say that after several minutes, someone set off a fire alarm.  Then a wereskunk charged into the room, and all the shapeshifters started fighting each other.  During the brawl, Beth and Blake escaped the theater.  Tactical officers from the Department of Paranormal Affairs.  The officers stormed the theater, while Beth and Blake were taken to a safe location.  They agreed not to tell the mainstream media what happened or post on social media about the incident.

“They haven’t talked to us since then,” said Beth.  “Why should I be surprised?  We can’t hurt the reputation of a very important weredeer, right?  Seriously, I love Bolingbrook, but I hate (expletive deleted) weredeer.”

The Department of Paranormal Affairs released the following statement:  “The US Supreme Court has no jurisdiction over paranormal affairs in Bolingbrook.  The Illuminati does.  The village and the Illuminati will continue to enforce the Jaycee Accords.  Any weredeer found violating the accords will either be escorted out of Bolingbrook or put down.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “It looks so real, Charlene.”

“Yes, and we can make it say whatever we want.”

After some keyboard clicks, a male voice said, “I met Mayor Roger Claar.  He’s right, and his foes are stupid liars!”

Charlene continued:  “It’s the same technology they used to create that fake Obama video.”

“Incredible,” said the man who sounded like Claar.

“Igor says they are working on the way to integrate this imaging technology with their prototype bots.  By 2020, these bots should be able to create their own social media videos.  Imagine bots that can post videos seconds after a major political event.  Oh!  One of them just finished scanning all the posts in Bolingbrook Politics. Let’s see what kind of video it produced.”

A keyboard clicked, and the male voice spoke again:  “Village spending annoys me.  Debt scares me.  Taxes enrage me.  I can do a better job than our current elected officials.  Roger Claar is the best corrupt mayor in the history of Bolingbrook!  Let’s argue!”

“Needs work,” said the man who sounded like Claar.

Also in the Babbler:

Russians hijack the DuPage Township website
Claar confirms that the Interstellar Commonwealth does not owe any taxes
Clow UFO Base no longer requires visitors to buy Trump branded human suits
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/10/18

Mayor Claar defiant as Clow UFO Base reopens (Fiction)

By Reporter X

For the first time since 1986, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar will not be in charge of Clow UFO Base.

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

The Interstellar Commonwealth, the governing body of the Milky Way, assumed temporary control of Clow after protesters ended their occupation.  The Commonwealth will administer the base until the new village board is sworn in next year.  Whichever party controls the village board after the March election will also control Clow UFO Base.

“I had no choice,” said Claar at a press conference with the interstellar media.  “I could have presided over a massacre, or I could have temporarily handed over the base to a neutral third party.  I chose peace, and now my foes are trying to tear me down.”

Claar specifically accused Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the opposition Bolingbrook United Party, of asking the Interstellar Commonwealth to conduct a “witch hunt” against him.

“Bob wants them to go after me because his party stands for nothing.  Nothing!  Bolingbrook First stands for what I want it to stand for.  I made Clow the largest urban UFO base in the world.  The residents will appreciate that.  The foes never will.”

Claar then cited an example of what he considered a “ridiculous” charge:

“They said that every supplier to Clow UFO Base has donated to my interstellar campaign fund.  I know you said that Bob.  Do you want to know the actual number of vendors we paid last month that also donated to my campaign fund?  Twenty-five percent!  That’s not bad, and I only use it for campaign events across the galaxy.  Do you know how many off-world constituents I have?  You’d be surprised.  More than I have in California.  My foes want me to run away from my fellow residents if happen to see them on Triton.  I won’t do that, Bob.  I’d rather have a Proteus steak dinner with them.”

Jaskiewicz insisted that his request was part of his effort to provide oversight over Bolingbrook’s covert operations. He also added that the initial audits prove that reforms are needed at Clow:

“Sure, 25% is a good number.  Do you know what an even better number is?  Zero.  If it can’t be zero, then there should be limits on donations.  Even Cook County limits vendors’ donations to $750 per cycle.  We can do better than that.”

Claar then yelled at Jaskiewicz for mentioning “that county.”  He pretended to cough, then talked for several minutes:  “My foes punish me.  Twice a month Bob punishes me by attending meetings.  Every week I am punished by the cover of the Bolingbrook Babbler in the checkout lanes.  Every day I am punished whenever I read the Bolingbrook Politics Group.  All I did was create the best UFO Base in the world, and the best place to live in America.”

“Don’t forget hosting a Trump fundraiser at the Golf Club,” added Jaskiewicz.

“You won’t let that go will you, Zieliński?”

“Jaskiewicz.”

“Close enough.”

Acting administrator Aplodoxage Glomox promised to consult with representatives of both parties.  She also added that she would not be distracted by local politics:

“Let’s save the fighting for the next solar orbit.  This week, every visitor to Clow gets a free WeatherTech snack.  We’ve also reopened both WeatherTech restaurants.  That’s great.”

Oljoys, a visitor from Alpha Centauri, said he liked that Clow was reopened, but hoped that it would be back under local control soon:  “I do miss the recordings of (Trustee Deresa A. Hoogland) announcing events.  She would say, ‘Come to the Bolingbrook event.  Why should you come to the Bolingbrook event?  The Bolingbrook event will be fun.’  Yes, I can upload the local calendar to my brain, but she gave each announcement a personal touch.”

Also in the Babbler:

Owner denies new arcade will have a portal to the 1980s
Will County judge rejects ‘Trump’ defense for reckless driving
Claar vetos ‘ high-end cannibalism restaurant’ application
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/5/18

Web Exclusive: Former atheist activist David Silverman to open ‘Transformative Humanist Center’ in Bolingbrook Commons (Fiction)

David Silverman, former president of the American Atheists, will open a “Transformative Humanist Center” in Bolingbrook.  Opening in Bolingbrook Commons early next year, the center promises to be a “moderating force” in the village.

File photo of “Transformative Humanist” David Silverman by BDEngler.

“Bolingbrook is a divided community,” said Sally Z. Carter, the director of the Bolingbrook Center.  “Some residents support the mayor.  Some residents oppose the mayor.  This arguing is pointless.  We need to focus on what is really harming our community: Religion.  Humanist.com, I mean Transformative Humanism, will bring the village together.  We’re already doing a great job!”

Though the village filed a lawsuit to keep Liberty Temple out of Bolingbrook Commons, Carter does not foresee any problems with Mayor Roger Claar approving the Center:  “We are the top of the horseshoe!  We are opposed to those who want to impose peaceful ethnic cleansing of Bolingbrook’s residents, and to those who want to force residents to live under the rule of Social Justice.  We are militant defenders of the status quo, and, in Bolingbrook, Roger Claar and his Bolingbrook First party, are the status quo.  Once Bolingbrook is united, we can work together to reduce the number of places of worship infesting our village.”

Carter refused to talk about Silverman’s firing from American Atheists, or who hired him to be the director of Transformative Humanism:  “The first 100 people who register for our reasonably priced classes on humanist forgiveness will receive a signed copy of Fighting God.  Belief in God is the real enemy of Bolingbrook.”

A receptionist for Mayor Roger Claar said he was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.  In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Charlene, did you send a fake text to (DuPage Township Trustee Ken Burgess) about a parade volunteer?”

“I can’t recall.  Can you be more specific?”

“The text that has sent DuPage Township spinning further into chaos and endangered my candidate for state representative?”

“Maybe, or maybe the allegation is true.  Either way, it just goes to show why we should abolish Illinois township governments.  My client, Governor Bruce Rauner, would be happy to educate you.”

“No.  Just try not to spread so much chaos in my village.  Can you do that?”

“I can limit the amount of chaos I will unleash upon the village.”

“Thank you.  You are still on my side, right?”

“Yes.”

A receptionist for Silverman said he was on a phone call, and could not be disturbed: “Humanist.com, I mean Transformative Humanism, will reveal our plans when we are ready to.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Silverman, said: “You linked to my web page.  You know how angry your followers are.  That was cruel.  I had to take down most of the pages just to protect myself.  Seriously?  PZ, let me tell you that I have been out of the public spotlight for more than seven weeks.  That should count for something.  How dare you call it that.  It was just a surprise session of S and M.  Don’t you like surprises?  You’re no fun.  No, you need to see the big picture.  I’ve seen the future.  It’s only a matter of time before the militant centrists in government stage their coup against Trump and turn power over to the Intellectual Dark Web.  When that happens, you’ll be sent to a philosophy camp, and I’ll be the toast of Washington D.C.  Of course, I can protect your fellow bloggers and you from this fate.  All you have to do is shut up and give me your money.  Hello?”

Are you registered? (Non-fiction)

Edit:  Now I find out tomorrow is National Voter Registration Day.

I’m not exaggerating when I say this is going to be one of the most critical US elections in my lifetime.  Are we going to have a Congress that will thoroughly investigate the Trump administration or one that will cover for him?  Will we have officials that will support secular government or officials that will push for Christian theocracy?    Do we want officials who will push for better voter access or voter suppression?

It’s not enough to complain about the current state of affairs.  We also have to vote.  So I encourage to all my readers to check to make sure they are registered and to check every month to make sure you’re still registered to vote.  Especially in states that are actively trying to purge their voter rolls.  Also to guard against hackers tampering with your information.  If you haven’t registered, you can get started here. 

I’m recovering from surgery.  So the regular stories should resume on Thursday.

Occupation of Clow UFO Base ends: Interstellar Commonwealth takes over Bolingbrook’s UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

After nearly three months, alien protesters ended their occupation of Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

UFO“While the situation on Earth continues to deteriorate,” read a statement from the protesters, “We understand that our occupation of Clow UFO Base isn’t helping humanity.  Our statement has been made, and we no longer need to occupy Clow UFO Base.  The galaxy knows that Donald Trump is an evil racist overlord, and (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) helped inflict Trump’s evil upon the Earth by raising money for him.  We may be leaving, but we will not forget.”

Representatives from the Interstellar Commonwealth brokered the deal with the protesters, the Village of Bolingbrook, the New World Order, the Illuminati, and the Knights Templar.  Under the terms of the deal, the protesters were given safe passage out of our solar system, but each is banned for life from visiting Earth.  The Interstellar Commonwealth assumed control of Clow and will manage the base until the April 2, 2019 municipal election.  If Claar’s party, Bolingbrook First, retains at least two village trustee seats, Claar and the Illuminati will regain control of Clow.  If Bolingbrook United, affiliated with the New World Order, wins all three seats, they will take over, and Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz will become the new administrator.  The Knights Templar will monitor the election.

“The voters of Bolingbrook will decide the fate of Clow UFO Base,” read a statement from the Interstellar Commonwealth.

Claar, who was attending the Illuminati/New World Order peace talks in Cuba, released a statement supporting the deal:  “The Interstellar Commonwealth will pay for the base cleanup, and resume revenue sharing with the village.  I will once again run Clow UFO Base.  I’m not worried about Bolingbrook United.  If those anti-Trump politicians couldn’t defeat me in 2017, they won’t be able to defeat my party in 2019.  I heard there were Republicans at their last fundraiser event.  I will give them until the end of the September to renounce their support for Bolingbrook United.  Any Republican who continues to support Bolingbrook United after September I will  consider a Democrat.”

Sources within Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs say the base is “remarkably in good shape,” and should reopen in a week.

When reached for comment, Jaskiewicz said, “Can you adjust your voice modulator?  I can’t understand a word you are saying.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Rick Morales said: “Did you see the Trustee election poll in Bolingbrook Politics?”

A man who sounded like Claar said: “Of course.  Every time my blood pressure gets too low, I buy a copy of the Babbler and visit that group.  I’m back to normal in seconds.”

“Why is my name not listed?  I thought I was going to be running for re-election.  You’re not still mad about all those times I voted against you many years ago?”

“No, but you know the story of Vince Lombardi and the 1959 Green Bay Packers?  Think of yourself as Babe Parilli, and the new guy as Bart Starr.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook United denies candidate is a secret land squid
Source:  Mayor Claar spent most of Cuba trip arguing on Facebook
President Trump blames aliens and Mayor Claar for two tied NFL games
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/19/18

Web Exclusive: Roskam campaign to host Sean Casten themed ‘Hellhouse’ in Wheaton (Fiction)

Sources inside Representative Peter Roskam’s campaign say the campaign will run a haunted attraction based around his Democratic opponent, Sean Casten.  Based on “Hellhouses” run by Christian ministries, the attraction will be called “Casten you to Hell.”  It will open October 1st and run through Halloween.

Will this graphic promote Rep. Peter Roskam’s ‘Hellhouse’?

“Sean Casten is a liberal devil,” said Blake, who claims to be a paid member of Roskam’s staff.  “We want to show the voters of the Sixth Congressional District the kind of Hell on Earth Casten would inflict on them.”

According to the sources, horrors planned for the house include: 

  • Women wearing pussy hats while getting abortions
  • Liberals taking away guns because they’re “triggering.”
  • Heavy Duty pickup trucks turning into electric powered subcompact cars
  • Transpeople having the same rights as white men
  • Black Lives Matter activists patrolling Wheaton
  • “Entitled” activists burning an entrepreneur

When asked if the “Entitled” activists were supposed to represent Social Security and Medicare recipients, Blake shushed this reporter.  “We’re not allowed to talk about S and M in Wheaton.”

Jack, a volunteer for Roskam, said part of the house will portray “a Casten owned business.”  It will depict Casten burning money, while employees are taxed to death, and “Christian Freedom Fighters” are crushed by a giant “carbon foot.”

“We tried to get Sean’s former employees to speak out against him,” said Jack.  “None of them wanted to.  He must have cast a spell on them because they all said they liked him.”

Blake says the “Hell House” will play a key role in securing victory for Roskam.  “Most constituents hate Peter.  If we can make them fear Sean, we’ll win.  Fear is stronger than hate.  So spread the fear!  Oh, did you know that Sean’s Barrington office is also a gay bar?  That’s scary!”

A receptionist for the Casten campaign said the campaign didn’t believe Roskam would host such an event.  “These attack ads just cover up the fact that Peter is afraid of his constituents.  Seriously.  When’s the last time you saw Peter in our district?”

In the background, a woman said, “Sean!  (Illinois Speaker of the House Mike Madigan) just sent a truckload of flyers.”  

“Wow.  That’s nice.  Considering I’ve never spoken or donated any money to him.  Let me take a look.  Wait a minute.  These are Kelly Mazeski flyers.”

“Mike included this card with the flyers.”

“Let me see.  ‘Roses are red/Violets are blue/Kelly was my candidate/Drop out of the race or I’ll—’ Woah!”

A receptionist for Roskam neither confirmed nor denied the story.  “I love the Bolingbrook Babbler.  I’ve been reading your stories since I was a kid.  Every week I recite the prayer that will save Bolingbrook.  I’ll tell Peter that you’re on Skype with me!”

The receptionist walked into a meeting room.  Roskam and eight other men were sitting around a table.

“I had a weird dream,” said one of the men.  “I dreamt that Sean Casten told me he was moving to Michigan but he would keep a house in our district so he could still be eligible to represent our district.”

Roskam slapped the table.  “That’s our next web ad.”

“But it was just a dream, congressman.”

“Was it a dream?  God can speak to us in our dreams, right? Maybe he decided to make you a prophet that will lead me to victory.”

“Wow!  I’ve felt God in Wheaton, but—but.”  The man started speaking in tongues.

“I wonder if anyone else on my staff has been blessed by our Lord and Savior.  You know you can’t be on my staff unless He’s touched you.”

The rest of the staff started speaking in tongues.

“I love having Wheaton in my district.”

Web Exclusive: Rep. Peter Roskam to ignite a ‘bonfire of pants’ on Facebook (Fiction)

Representative Peter Roskam’s campaign is undeterred by one of their Facebook ads getting a “Pants on Fire” rating by Politifact Illinois.

Picture of congressional candidate Sean Casten with a sports car in the background. The text says "Sean Casten drives a car! Peter Roskam runs. Paid for by Roskam for Congress"

A web ad allegedly produced by Rep. Peter Roskam’s campaign. 

“We’re going to lite a bonfire of burning pants on Facebook!” said a campaign staffer who asked to be called Bobby.  “We won’t stop there!  We’re already flooding the Internet with web ads!  We added a new Twitter account.  We’re going to say and show anything and everything to burn down Sean Casten!”

“You’re supposed to say, ‘Sleazy Casten.’”  said another staffer.

“I thought that was next week?”

“Next week is ‘Cheating Casten.’  This weak is ‘Sleazy.’”

“What’s two weeks from now?”

“Car-driving Casten.”

Flush with money from political action committees and support from the Congressional Leadership Fund, the Roskam campaign is aggressively attacking Casten.  The Cook Report rates the race a tossup, and Bobby says they are working hard to change that.

“We gave Sean a big tax cut, and this is how he thanks Peter?  No, he deserves everything we’re going to throw at him.”

When asked if the campaign would be fact-checking their ads moving forward, Bobby replied: “(Rudy Giuliani) says the truth isn’t always true.  Are you going to argue with America’s Mayor?”

Charlene Spencer, an employee at Bolingbrook’s Barber’s Corner Media, says her company will be producing the next round of Facebook ads for the Roskam campaign.  She doubts any of the ads will get a “pants on fire” rating:  “I designed the ‘Casten kisses a married woman every night ad.’  I’m sure he does kiss his wife every night.  If people draw a different conclusion, then the problem is in how he presents himself—  Not with the ad itself.”

When asked about the “Casten spends time with two younger women” ad, Spencer replied, “His daughters are younger than him.  The most the media can do is ding me with a ‘mostly true’ rating.  It’s amazing what you can create when you don’t let ethics and morality get in the way.”

Roskam invited this reporter to his West Chicago office to discuss his “pants on fire” ranking.  He spent most of the interview decrying “fake news.”:

“As I said in our only debate, don’t believe everything you read.  I mean look at my pants.  Do they look burned?  Do you see any patches?  Do you see any repairs?  I did not set my pants on fire, and that is why the real residents of the Sixth District don’t believe the news. The fake news wants you to think that I am so unpopular, I have to attack Sean.  I don’t have to have to attack him.  I want to attack him on behalf of all the real residents of the Sixth District.”

A Congressional staff member opened his door:  “Holly just finished her question about health care.”

“Excuse me.  I have to deal with my teleconference town hall.”

Roskam picked up the phone and pressed a button:  “Thank you for sharing your story, Johanna.  I’m sure many people here were moved by your words.  Health care issues are the reason I love being a congressman, and I will keep writing legislation until Congress gets it right.  Thank you for taking the time to participate in this town hall.  I think we have another question.”

Roskam pressed a button and put down the headset.

“Now where were we?”

Wereskunks canvass Bolingbrook for Republican candidates (Fiction)

Many Bolingbrook residents claim to have met weresunks canvassing for Republican candidates.

Dolly, (not her real name) said two weresunks knocked on her door.  According to her, one of them said, “(Congressman) Bill Foster stinks, and you stink if you support him.”

The other one said, “I’ll mark your house so everyone will know you’re a stinking Foster voter.”

“I told them I was going to call the police,” said Dolly.  “I swear, one of them turned in to a 10-foot tall man-skunk with sharp claws.  It said calling the police was the wrong answer.  I slammed the door and locked it.  It sprayed the door and the front yard!  I thought tiny skunks were bad.”  Dolly added that she had to spend a fortune on peroxide, baking soda, and liquid detergent to deodorize her home.

Shannon encountered another group of wereskunk canvassers while walking home:  “They shoved a flyer in my hand and said I should vote for Alyssia Benford for State Representative.  I said she should fix the mess she helped make at the DuPage Township before fixing the mess in Springfield.”

According to Shannon, the canvassers confessed to being wereskunks, and they were really working on behalf of Mayor Roger Claar.  The wereskunks said that if the Republicans swept all of the races on the November Ballot, Claar would continue to ban garbage toters.  Garbage bags were more manageable for their cousins to open than garbage toters.

Shannon added, “One of them dropped his pants and turned around.  He said he would spray me if I didn’t vote for Benford.  I ran away.  I didn’t know what they would do if I told them that Jackie Traynere was running unopposed.”

Shannon also claimed that she heard the wereskunks chant: “Vote for Benford.  Vote for Claar.  Let our scent fill the air!”

An anonymous Will County Republican Party Official denied the wereskunks were working for the party.  “You guys are the pioneers of fake news.  Well, after we win all of our elections, the public will never trust the liberal media again.”

A person in the background sobbed and said, “It’s hopeless.  We’re going to be wiped out in November, and our donors will demand a refund!”

“Shut up!” snapped the Republican official.  “(Senator Rand Paul) is going to Russia to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

A member of the Foster campaign said she wasn’t worried about the wereskunks: “I can say this now that the canvassers have left.  Our only worry is when I’ll be able to sing my new song at the victory party.”

She started singing, “We’re gonna ride the blue wave” to the melody of “Wipeout.”

An aide to Claar denied the existence of wereskunks:  “Really, guys?  Wereskunks?”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said:   “I’m calling you today because you’re a loyal Republican, just like me.  You’ve always supported our party no matter what. This election, supporting our party means supporting Congressman Dan Lipinski.  We need—What?  You’re still voting for Arthur Jones?  He’s a neo-Nazi.  Since our party couldn’t agree on a write-in candidate, you might as well vote for Dan.  He voted with Trump 45 percent of the time this year.  Wait!  What do you mean you want to own a liberal?”

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