Every year our council of psychics convenes to make their predictions for the new year. Last year they did an excellent job. Amazon expanded their logistical services and even announced the opening of a second headquarters. Trump made several tweets that could be considered the Mother of all Twitter Rants.
Some skeptics will point out that Obama did not steal the nuclear football, and Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz wasn’t allowed to put an item on a village board agenda. Unlike those skeptics, we know that predicting the future isn’t an exact science, and the future is always changing. Who knows, maybe Mayor Roger Claar read our predictions and decided not to go through with his plan to humiliate Jaskiewicz?
For the rest of our readers, here are our psychics’ predictions for 2019:
The Bolingbrook Fire Department’s Roundabout Rescue team will be revealed to the public after it rescues Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler. Lawler will say that he wasn’t really trapped in the roundabout for two hours.
“I was part of a drill to test the team’s readiness. They’re a bunch of fine individuals. Most of the time, I remember how roundabouts work.”
The Bolingbrook Department of Public Safety will neither confirm nor deny they scheduled a drill. No charges will be filed against Lawler.
A week later, Lawler will step down from the Village Board and Trustee Sheldon Watts will be named Deputy Mayor. Mayor Claar will scold anyone who says the two events are related.
The Edgar County Watchdogs will escalate their campaign against the DuPage Township by holding a “Good Government Tent Revival” in the administrative building’s parking lot. Attendees will hear uplifting music and “educational lectures.”
“Supervisor Bill Mayer says he doesn’t have a conflict of interest,” one speaker will say. “But the Township Code says otherwise. Section 85-45 says, and I quote: ‘Except as provided in this Section, no township officer or employee shall be interested, directly or indirectly, in his or her own name or in the name of any other person, association, trust, or corporation, in any contract for work, materials, profits of work or materials, or services to be furnished or performed for the township (…)’ Can I get a ‘He must resign’?”
During the revival, Township Trustee Alyssia Benford will stand up and start dancing. “I feel the power of Good Government lifting my soul and bringing me closer to Jesus!”
Watts will be invited to participate in a baptism to “wash away the sins of Township Government” from his soul. He will not attend.
Bolingbrook police will use tear gas to break up the revival. Other Township trustees will offer free milk to those affected by the tear gas.
After the April election, Claar will make an announcement at the next scheduled Bolingbrook Village Board meeting. Claar will state that he sent the village attorney to court to file for bankruptcy, and for the court to appoint him as the manager of Bolingbrook. The move would strip the village board of all of its powers, and give Claar full control over Bolingbrook.
Claar will blame Jaskiewicz for the filing, stating: “Everything was fine until you were elected!”
Near the end of the meeting, Judge Vincent Cornelius will arrive and announce that he has rejected Bolingbrook’s bankruptcy request. He will state that while Bolingbrook has a debt problem, it is still capable of making payments on those debts.
He will add, “If you ever try this again, Roger, I will appoint Bonnie Kurowski-Alicea to be the manager of Bolingbrook!”
Village Clerk Carol Penning will scream in horror.
The Yellow Vest protests will reach Washington DC, though they will actually be wearing orange life vests. Millions of dollars of damage will be done to the Lincoln and Jefferson memorials during the first weekend of protests against “the way things are.”
On the second weekend, they will march towards the Capitol Building, many of them armed. As they reach the steps of the Capitol, Representative Sean Casten and his sister will step outside. His sister will start singing the national anthem, accompanied by Representative Casten on the keyboard. The yellow vest protesters will stop in their tracks. Representatives Lauren Underwood and Bill Foster will march outside, waving US flags.
After the song, the protesters will disburse and leave Washington.
Many in the media will encourage Representative Casten to run for President. He will reply, “Why me? She did most of the work. I just helped her. You should ask her to run for President.”
Fed up with the nearly year-long government shutdown, and the results of numerous investigations, Congress will unanimously vote to impeach President Trump.
President Pence will declare a state of emergency and take control of all Internet Service Providers in the United States.
“The Russians have used our Internet to divide us,” he will say in his first televised speech. “We don’t know who to trust anymore. You can trust God and I am his faithful servant.”
Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube will be blocked in the US by the “Pence Firewall,” thus complicating efforts to organize national protests.
Pence will then allow “trusted community leaders” to take over control of their residents’ Internet access. Bolingbrook will be one of those communities.
Claar’s choice to run Bolingbrook’s ISP will inspire little confidence during his only press conference:
“My haters say I’m supporting a dictatorship and opposing democracy. They’re just mad that I’m an up and coming entrepreneur, youth mentor, politician, and thought leader. My business is going to generate so much money that we can abolish property taxes. I will also only employ Bolingbrook residents. What’s not to like? Oh, can someone tell me the difference between a dictatorship and democracy? School never taught me that.”
Some residents will work together to start their own pirate ISP. The year will end with the Bolingbrook police closing in on the home of the illicit ISP to arrest “enemies of the village,” while hundreds of supporters outside will rally in support of “unfiltered Internet free speech.”
Also in the Babbler:
Claar boycotts Clow UFO Base New Years Party after alcohol ban announced
Melania Trump investigates claims aliens illegally helped the Chicago Bears
UFO makes the first successful landing at Peotone UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/3/19
Note: This is a work of fiction.