Mayor Roger Claar exiled Janet Z. Fischer from Bolingbrook for allegedly offering fake Dead Sea road salt to the village.
“Normally we would jail people like her,” said an anonymous source with friends in Village Hall. “But considering the sensitive nature of this incident, we thought it would be better to exile her. Roger does have the power to do that, you know.”
According to many sources, Fischer walked into Village Hall and identified herself as Golda Zimmerman, a delegate from the Israeli government. She met with the Director of Public Services and Development and offered to sell Dead Sea salt to the village at ten times the cost the village buys road salt from the state.
Zimmerman replied that if the village refused her offer, she would report the village as participating in the Boycott Divest Sanction movement.
“If you’re perceived as supporting BDS,” said Zimmerman, “it would hurt the village, more than it would hurt Israel. On the other hand, if you buy our wonderful salt from the Holy Land, I can tell the world that Bolingbrook is participating in the Buy Invest Allocate Support movement. It can only help your village’s reputation.”
The director, according to sources, summoned the Public Works Committee to hear the offer.
Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz was skeptical: “Not buying your overpriced road salt is not the same as boycotting. It’s a simple market decision.”
“But it’s from the Holy Land!”
Trustee Michael Lawler then said, “You know, supporting an Israeli company could be considered good debt.”
“If something goes wrong,” added Trustee Maria Zarate, “We can always blame Bob.”
Lawler left the room. Several minutes later Claar entered the room. Zimmerman explained her deal, then added that she could arrange for a sizable donation to the campaign fund of Claar’s choice.
“I can’t risk taking donations from a foreign country,” Claar replied. “I can suggest donating to a local charity that helps at risk youth.”
“Wait a minute,” cried out Jaskiewicz. “Facebook says your real name is Janet Fischer, and you’re not from Israel or even Jewish.”
“Those silly Palestinian hackers.”
“And these local governments have posted warnings about your scam.”
After Claar yelled at Fischer, she confessed. Claar then decided her punishment.
“I just had to deal with an attempted coup, and I don’t have the energy to deal with you in court.”
“You mean an election,” replied Jaskiewicz.
“Which your party was swept in.”
“We won seats on the Plainfield Library Board, The park district board, and the Joliet Junior College Board of Regents. That’s not a sweep.”
“Close enough. But that’s beside the point. Miss Fischer, you are exiled from Bolingbrook, and you if say one more word, Bob, you’ll be joining her.”
A receptionist for Claar denied that the meeting ever took place: “Don’t you think if he really has the power to remove people from Bolingbrook, he would have exiled you guys years ago?”
In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee-elect Michael Carpanzano said, “I’m sick of these so-called satire sites, Charlene. They’re so anti-Bolingbrook!”
“I don’t know,” replied Charlene. “Bolingbrook has a tradition of satirical publications going back to the Phantom Press.”
“Not in my Bolingbrook, Charlene. I’ve been silent for too long. I’m going to start a Facebook page to expose their unfunny lies, and I will call it True Bolingbrook Facts!”
“That name is already taken.”
“That’s never stopped me before.”
Also in the Babbler:
Village Clerk: I am not a dictator because I haven’t committed atrocities!
Alien sticks probes in itself to protest Bolingbrook United’s losses
Sources: Illuminati paid off $100 million of Bolingbrook’s 2017 fiscal year debt
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/10/19
Note: This is a work of fiction.