From the Webmaster: Transparent Expedition blogger celebrates his son’s graduation (Mixed)

Patrick L. Green, the blogger behind Transparent Expedition, wrote a moving article celebrating his son’s graduation:

Selfishly, my son’s graduation is a proud moment. He survived. Countless other transgender youth have taken their own lives because they were not supported and countless teens have been killed in school because we live in a nation where people have an unhealthy obsession and love of guns.

Congratulations on your son’s achievement.  I just wish his experience in Bolingbrook could have been better.

Illuminati honors Professor Jordan Peterson (Fiction)

The Illuminati honored controversial Canadian professor Jordan Peterson at a ceremony held at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

Photo of Jordan peterson

File photo of Jordan Peterson by Adam Jacobs.

“The New World Order underestimated the power of his words,” said Simon, Grand Master Councilor of Western Canada.  “Our branch of the Illuminati didn’t, and today he is a potent weapon in our quest to create global chaos.”

Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler performed the glowing orb ritual for Peterson, then presented him with a medal.  It was Lawler’s first time performing the ritual, and Mayor Roger Claar, who was in the audience, nodded in approval.

Peterson wiped away tears as he accepted the award.

“I shouldn’t have cut onions before the ritual,” said Peterson.  The gathered officials laughed.

Peterson then thanked the Illuminati for the honor: “Honestly, I never dreamed I would get this far.  I thought I was going to be an ordinary professor and make some spare money selling self-help books.  When Simon approached me, I honestly didn’t take him seriously.  He promised to make me a messiah of masculinity. I just expected to sell a few more books.  This will be one of the few times I will admit to being wrong.  I now understand the full power of the Illuminati.”

He went on to talk about his followers: “They will follow me no matter what I tell them. I say there’s no such thing as an atheist, and atheists follow me.  I say witches and dragons are real, and skeptics follow me.  There are men who tell me that I am the voice in their head. I’m still amazed.  I am proof that if you act like a man, you can get anything you want and good things will fall into your lap.”

Peterson added that he has some idea of why he’s popular:  “The New World Order has imposed many changes on society, especially on gender roles.  These changes make men feel uncomfortable.  Thanks to our esteemed society, I can exploit their discomfort, and turn them into pawns for the Illuminati.  The Left makes them feel bad for exploiting women and minorities.  I tell them those people were never exploited, and if they gain rights, you will lose rights.  It’s sounds smart, and since they believe they’re smart, they won’t question me.  I make supporting traditional sexism sound like being part of the dark counter-culture!”

He then concluded by stating he agreed with the ultimate goal of the Illuminati.  “I tell my followers that chaos is feminine.  I say that because I believe that global chaos will give birth to a better world.  A world that will keep men on top.  A world where women and so-called minorities will enjoy freedom from choice.  A world that will be just like the classical civilizations.  We’ve made great strides since the election of Donald Trump.  Let’s keep the momentum going.  Fnord!”

After the speech, Lawler asked Peterson a question:  “You say you are opposed to equality of outcomes, yet you want all men to have sexual partners.  Isn’t that a contradiction?”

Peterson smiled.  “You don’t make one million dollars a year by telling horny men they’re not entitled to hot women.”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens arrested for offering condoms to Bolingbrook teenagers
Sources: Claar asking ‘Internet troll factories’ to move to Bolingbrook
Clow UFO base forced to ‘draft’ BHS students for internships
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/23/18

Web Exclusive: UFO crews forced to play Representative Peter Roskam’s ads during abductions (Fiction)

By Reporter X

UFO

File photo of a UFO.

UFO crews are forcing abductees in Illinois’s Sixth Congressional District to watch Rep. Peter Roskam’s campaign ads. 

“It’s either we make them watch the ads,” said Zodole from Kepler-62f, “Or we have to pay double the normal abduction fee.  What choice do we have?”

Mary, who asked that we not use her last name, described her experience:  “I was floating in the air, and I thought I was having a dream.  After I went into the light, I found myself in a white room.  Peter then appeared in front of me.  He said that he wanted to talk to me while aliens were examining me.  I told him to release me.  He ignored me and started talking about his opponent Sean Casten and something about (Rep. Nancy Pelosi).  I said Nancy Pelosi never abducted me, and you just did.  Then he started talking gibberish.  I later realized I was really talking to a hologram, but it looked and acted just like Peter.”

Joshua, who also asked that we not use his last name, called the ad an uplifting experience: “At the time, I thought God took me to Heaven and revealed that he was really Peter.  So, that meant that all this time he wasn’t speaking nonsense.  He was speaking in tongues!  The real reason we hardly see Peter in our district is that if anyone looks at him too long, they’ll die.  Sadly, I later realized that I was actually watching an ad on a UFO.  Still, that means Peter is out of this world!”

Zodole said she hated the ads:  “Most of the time, the ads just upset our subjects.  I remember one woman who accused Peter of taking away deductions for state and local taxes so he could pay for tax cuts for the rich.  It’s supposed to be an interactive ad, but, honestly, I think something went wrong during the recording.  Either that or Peter really is mentally dense for a human being.”

Polly, a member of Liberate IL06, denounced the ads:  “Sean Casten’s campaign is hosting standing room only events.  Peter is so desperate for an audience that he has to ask aliens to force residents to watch his ads. We deserve better than the man who dictated Trump’s stupid tax plan!”

Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, which regulates abductions in Chicagoland, defended running the ads. An unsigned statement from the department read: “We have always allowed advertising by our visitors. Ad revenue allows more visitors to conduct science experiments in Chicagoland.  Revenue from the abductions funds Bolingbrook.  Our taxes would be much higher without abduction revenue.”  The letter also refused to state who is paying for the ads but did say that  Roskam’s campaign isn’t paying for them.

Sean Casten refused to comment on the ads:  “All I will say is that I have never worked at Clow UFO base.”

A man then walked into the room, saying: “Your Mom and I are going to be working on a roast.  So we won’t see you for two weeks.”

“Dad!  You don’t need to work on a roast.  Help me make pub burgers instead.”

“The roast is a family tradition.  I have to defend it.  This will be the best roast ever!”

“I got in trouble the last time you made a roast.  Help me make a pub burger instead.  It will be fun, and you won’t be accused of food poisoning.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Don’t worry, Mr. Reporter.  We were not having a coded discussion about a Super PAC.”

Roskam could not be located in the district and did not reply to this reporter’s voicemails and emails.

Web Exclusive: Our readers speak out (Fiction)

By Doug Fields
The Reader’s Editor

While most our staff recovers from a suspected Russian biological attack, I decided to share some of the letters we’ve received. The ones I’ve selected cover the hot issues in our exceptional burb. 

We received quite a few letters about gun control. Some were very disturbing. A few Bolingbrook High School students argued that they should be able to buy assault rifles from the pawn shop across the street, to “protect themselves from teacher tyranny.” Other residents say they have the right to shoot at any public official they disagree with. We have forwarded these letters to the proper authorities. At the very least, you won’t be getting any awards from the village this year.

This is one of the sensible letters on gun control:

To the editor:

It seems that my fellow Second Amendment supporters are more interested in triggering liberals than promoting sensible gun use.  I’ve seen women put pistols in their yoga pants, and men put pistols in the crotch of their jeans. Don’t get me started on so called “open carry activists” who bring their guns to crowded places. Their actions endanger both themselves and the public. 

Thanks to some unfortunate incidents, more people support gun control today. It is scary, but that is no excuse to scare others. The public cannot tell the difference between a good guy with a gun, and a bad guy with a gun. We need to start acting like a well-regulated militia, or else the government will regulate us!  

Peter Z. Williams,
President of the Bolingbrook African American Rifle Association

Next, what would a Bolingbrook letters page be without a garbage letter: 

To the editor:

I am pleased to announce that I will be marrying the garbage toter I just met at the Home Depot. Not only will I be marrying the love of my life, but my spouse will be able to go anywhere on our property.  My love will be spending her days sitting by the side of our house, and no one, not even our dictatorial housing association, can stop my spouse!

I’m sure (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) will try to stop me, or impose a fee on my spouse.  He will fail because I know that every Bolingbrook resident, with few exceptions, supports freedom, and therefore will support my freedom to marry my loving garbage toter!

Name withheld by request,
Bolingbrook, IL

We believe in many things here at the Babbler, but we don’t believe that a garbage toter can consent to marriage.  I do have to wonder if this letter and the next letter are part of the same campaign:

To the Editor:

The Cook County Democrats have gone too far!  They’re organizing a “Bolingbrook Pride” event.  We’ve never had a gay event in Bolingbrook before.  Why now?

The answer is simple. The Chicago political machine, lead by Rahm Emanuel, Louis Farrakhan, and Jesus Garcia, want to take over Bolingbrook. This “pride” event is cover for an invading Cook County army! 

I don’t hate gay people.  I just don’t think they belong in Bolingbrook—  and Cook County has no business imposing them on us!  

I’m calling on every decent resident to stand up to this invasion force.  We stood up to Cook County last year.  We will do it again.  Keep your (offensive term redacted), Cook County!  Bolingbrook is a wholesome community!

Matt X. Stone
Bolingbrook, IL

I think I can speak for the entire Babbler staff regarding this letter.

First, there is no word in the English language strong enough to describe your total lack of knowledge about Cook County politics and your disrespect for LGBTQ+ people. Second, there are LGBTQ+ residents in Bolingbrook, and they help make Bolingbrook the diverse and vibrant community that it is today.  As far as we’ve determined, Bolingbrook Pride is locally organized, and we should be at their event in some manner.

You may not hate LGBTQ+ people, but attitudes like yours make life difficult for them.  They should be proud to be surviving the hate and discrimination imposed on them, as well as proud to be who they are.

That’s it for this week’s letters.  Remember, anyone can post a web comment.  Only a select few will have their letter published by me.  Are you up for the challenge?

Also in the Babbler:

Babbler staff recovers from Russian biological attack
Alien arrested at Bolingbrook storage facility
Mayor Claar planning secret trip to the Congo
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/3/18

Geese protests continue to annoy Bolingbrook residents (Fiction)

Many Bolingbrook residents are annoyed by noisy, radical geese encampments in the village.

“I can’t sleep because of all their honking!” said Brenda, who did not provide her last name.  “If they’re not going to respect me, I won’t respect them!”

Mona, a Bolingbrook psychic, says the gaggle is made up of radical geese who are protesting suburban development.  “To them, Bolingbrook is a symbol of human colonization and exploitation of the Earth.  In their eyes, we take up too much space and are destroying their nesting sites.  Some are mad that their old nesting grounds have been replaced with townhomes, strip malls, and an overpriced golf club.  They’ve had enough, and they’re drawing the line in Bolingbrook.”

An anonymous source claims to have seen a gaggle harass Mayor Roger Claar.  “He was walking towards Village Hall when they accosted him.  They kept honking at him, and he kept shouting: ‘I don’t understand any of you.  Go away!’  When he got to the front door, he turned around and said: ‘Until you can either vote for me or donate to my campaign fund, I won’t listen to you.’  Then they marched on his patio for a few minutes before flying off.”

James, another resident who did not provide a last name, said he sympathized with the protesting geese. “We feed them food that’s bad for them, like bread and popcorn.  It not only discourages them from migrating, but it gives them malnutrition.  Then, as we grow the suburbs, we start taking away their homes.  They have a right to be mad at us.”

Instead of trying to kill geese, James urges Bolingbrook residents to stop feeding geese, and for Village Hall to preserve the remaining green spaces in Bolingbrook.  He also called for more “sustainable development.”

“Bolingbrook is so spread out that you pretty much have to have a car to get anywhere.  We should focus on building more sidewalks and bike lanes, as well as more pedestrian-friendly subdivisions.  These would help reduce our carbon footprints and make Bolingbrook a friendlier place to live.  Sure Bolingbrook is great, but if we don’t adapt, things will get worse.  We should always be trying to improve.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was taking an urgent phone call and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “So Dana, you don’t like the letter I sent to the governor. You’re going to do what?  Good luck with that.  The NRA’s money is poison, and its getting its (expletive deleted) handed to it by teenagers.  So no, I won’t allow the sale of AR-15 assault rifles across the street from Bolingbrook High School. And I stand by my call for discussion and action to raise the legal age of gun ownership to 21; ban bump stocks and high capacity magazines; toughen background checks, and increase the waiting period for all firearms.  Do my job?  I am doing my job.  My job is to protect Bolingbrook.  Your job is to sell more guns by creating an atmosphere of fear and anger.  I’m not going to help you do your job!”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens peacefully protest gun violence
Village warns residents not to shoot the Easter Bunny
Moses spotted in Schraeder Park
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/28/18

Web Exclusive: Illuminati investigates Clow UFO Base following Women’s March in Chicago (Fiction)

After 300,000 people attended the Women’s March Chicago, the Illuminati announced it was launching an investigation into security at Clow UFO Base.

“We cannot believe that more humans attended this year’s march than last year’s march,” said Mu, an investigator aligned with the Illuminati.  “We think most of the marchers were aliens, and that means there was a serious security breach at Clow UFO Base.  We also think the New World Order bussed in aliens to Chicago from their base in Rochelle, IL.  We are going to get to the bottom of this, starting with Clow.”

Clow officials denied any security breaches at the base.

“The base is still locked down,” said an official who asked to remain anonymous.  “There are no flights to Clow, and we are keeping a close eye on flights leaving Clow.  To the best of our knowledge, none of our visitors went to the Chicago march.  Mayor Claar made it very clear that we were to do everything in our power to keep visitors away from the march.  If you ask me, I think a lot of people just hate President Trump and his administration’s treatment of women.  That’s why the marches were so popular.  But you didn’t ask me.”

Other officials said they would cooperate with the Illuminati, but did not believe any aliens from Clow attended the march.

Clow UFO Base is under the jurisdiction of the Illuminati following Mayor Roger Claar’s defection from the New World Order in 2016.

Thomas Xavier, an administrator for the New World Order, says only ten aliens were authorized from Hub 35 in Rochelle to attend the march and believes others watched from orbit.

“We did not use our visitors to inflate the numbers of marchers in Chicago.  The public is rejecting the chaos sought by the Illuminati and will turn to the order and stability we will offer them.  The tide is turning.”

A phone call to Claar was answered by a receptionist, who said he was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Charline, I just found out that my slide on the racial demographics of Bolingbrook is wrong.”

“You approved it.”

“You messed it up.”

“I didn’t mess it up.  I did it on purpose.”

“Why?”

“I was sending a subliminal message to the Trump supporters in Bolingbrook that you stand by our president 110%.”

“Try to be more subtle next time.”

Bolingbrook United responds to the 2018 Bolingbrook State of the Village address (Non-Fiction)

Bolingbrook Residents,

The following is Bolingbrook United’s response to Mayor Claar’s January 18, 2018, State of the Village address.

The State of the Village was an event for a select few: On Thursday an elite group of Bolingbrook business owners, residents and guests, along with countless politicians, listened to Mayor Roger Claar provide his view of the state of our Village.  The event took place at the taxpayer funded and owned Bolingbrook Golf Club.  Like previous years, if residents wanted to attend the event they had to pay a staggering fee of $70 per person. Many residents cannot afford that high-ticket price or have the ability to take time off work to attend the event, which was held on a Thursday afternoon. As a result, such residents are relegated to watching it over the internet or on public access television.  Bolingbrook United believes that the State of the Village should be held at Village Hall or the Bolingbrook High School, during the evening, with no cost to attend.  It should be open to all residents, and not just those who can afford to take time off of work and pay an exorbitant fee to attend.

There is need for more economic development: During his address, Mayor Claar expressed his concerns about the economic shift away from typical brick and mortar retail and the effect it is having on local tax revenue.  He complained about the Bolingbrook Commons Shopping Center, the former location of Century Tile, and mentioned how it is an eyesore.  He specifically noted that little has changed with the Shopping Center since he became mayor over 34 years ago.  While Bolingbrook United agrees with Mayor Claar about these concerns, we believe that his inaction has allowed this ‘eyesore’ and many other retail spaces to remain as virtual ghost towns with mass vacancies and unrenovated buildings. One of the first things Trustee Bob Jaskiewicz, of Bolingbrook United, did after being elected was discuss with Mayor Claar the need for an Economic Development Committee, which would look at how to better utilize these spaces, attract new businesses, and turn ‘eyesores’ into functioning businesses that improve our community.  Mayor Claar refused to consider Trustee Jaskiewicz’s suggestion. Instead, during the State of the Village, Mayor Claar stated there was nothing that could be done for such areas. Instead of complaining and throwing in the proverbial towel, Mayor Claar and the rest of Village Hall should be taking action.  Bolingbrook United believes that an Economic Development Committee should be established immediately and that the Village should stop being complacent and instead go to work on helping to revitalize these vacant areas.

The Village must address the massive debt it has incurred: Under the leadership of Mayor Claar, the Village has incurred over $300 million dollars of debt in part by expending Village dollars on frivolities such as the following: purchasing Clow airport; building the Bolingbrook Golf Club; and attempting to become a home developer by purchasing Americana Estates.  At no time during his address did Mayor Claar mention how much debt the Village has, but he insisted that the Village is finished with incurring debt.  Unfortunately, this is not a true statement. The Village is currently involved in litigation with Illinois American Water.  In short, the Village is attempting to buy back the water system that Mayor Claar and the Village sold 20 years ago.  That transaction, when it occurs, is expected to cost the Village tens of millions of dollars that will be added to our debt.

Bolingbrook United believes the Village needs to come to terms with the incredible amount of debt it has incurred under Mayor Claar. The Village cannot continue to kick the debt can down the road for future generations to solve.  We must do something about it now.

We need to solve our trash problem and increase basic services to residents: A basic concern of many residents is trash disposal.  Mayor Claar’s opposition to the use of trash cans or “toters” as they more accurately called, is well known.  Since his election, Trustee Jaskiewicz has repeatedly asked that the issue of waste disposal be taken seriously and placed on the Village agenda.  We’ve tried to get the Village’s attention to this important issue, to no avail; we even marched in the Pathways Parade this past year pushing toters to draw attention it.  Bolingbrook United believes that the matter of garbage cans, toters, recyclable bags and waste management as a whole should be a Village agenda item.  We need public discourse on this topic and we need a solution to our trash problem; for far too long, our Village has looked like a giant refuse site as a result of the trash that blows out of recyclable bins and torn garbage bags. People want to be heard on this issue and whether you are for or against toters, Bolingbrook United believes that the Village should have an active and open discussion on the issue.

In addition, when it comes to snow removal, I hope we can all agree that the removal of snow from streets is a public safety issue and that residents want their streets plowed.  It is neither funny nor acceptable that during the State of the Village Mayor Claar mocked residents who questioned where the plows and salt trucks were during the most recent snowfall.  We know our Village employees work hard and do a great job, but we realize that we now have half as many employees in the Public Works Department than we had ten years ago. Bolingbrook United believes that resident concerns need to be taken seriously.  Residents should not be insulted by their mayor for questioning a matter of safety in the Village.

We must stop the “everyone else is the problem” mentality in Village Hall:  During the State of the Village, Mayor Claar took the opportunity to promote his favorite candidates, businesses and political patrons – most of whom donate to his campaign fund and/or are outspoken supporters of him.  He also chastised Democrats, and Republicans to a lesser degree, at the state and federal levels for not working together.  We found these statements to be incredible considering that since the election, Mayor Claar has frequently used Village meetings to put down and/or denigrate Bolingbrook United, its supporters, and its suggestions/ideas.  He has refused to collaborate with or listen to the concerns expressed by Trustee Jaskiewicz and those he represents who disagree with his agenda in any manner.  Bolingbrook United believes that our Village should not mirror our ineffective state and federal governments.  The mayor and the rest of our elected officials need to collaborate with one another, even if they are of a different political persuasion.

Sources: Bolingbrook to investigate the Clintons (Fiction)

Will the Village of Bolingbrook investigate the Clinton family?  Sources with relatives whose friends work at Village Hall say yes:

“Sure the FBI is investigating the Clinton Foundation,” said one source.  “But we know that they’re in league with the Deep State.  Can we really trust any organization tied to them?  So we’re helping Trump— I mean we’re helping bring the Clintons to justice.”

“There are many laws the Clintons could have broken,” said another source.  “Did Bill have an affair while visiting Illinois?  That’s a crime in Illinois.  There are other obscure laws in Illinois that we could get them on.  I mean discover if they violated.  The point is that there are so many crimes that the Clintons could have committed, that we can’t expect Congress and the FBI to investigate them all.  It is the patriotic duty of every community to investigate the Clintons.”

The sources agree that Mayor Roger Claar asked the village staff to “look into Clinton’s ties to Bolingbrook, no matter insignificant they may seem.” Though the Clintons did not make any campaign stops in Bolingbrook, Claar, the sources say, believes that there could be some “inappropriate connections” between some Bolingbrook residents and the Clintons.

“Maybe some residents did more than vote for Clinton.  Maybe they received secret funds from the Clintons and used them to run for local office.  We can’t know for sure unless we investigate.”

When called, Claar answered the phone and said: “He hated me and committed a crime. How is that not a hate crime?  For that matter, how can you say that my support of Donald Trump is not a creed?  A creed is a set of beliefs that guide someone’s actions.  Google it if you don’t believe me!”

In the background, a woman said: “Actually, I have the Babbler on Line One.  The Herald is on Line Two.”

“I’ll deal with you later,” Claar said before hanging up.

Chelsea Clinton laughed after being asked about the alleged investigation. “I’ll make this quick since the board meeting is about to start.  I don’t know who this Mayor Blair is.  I’ve never heard of Bowling Illinois, most of the money the Clinton Foundation makes goes towards its programs, the former President is my dad, my mother won the popular vote, I have four degrees, including a doctorate from Oxford University, I’m not wearing an ankle bracelet, Alex Jones eats pizza, and I’m more qualified to hold office than Donald Trump is.  Have a nice life.”

Also in the Babbler:

Man frozen since last week revived at Bolingbrook Adventist Hospital
Traffic down 25 percent at Clow UFO Base
Bolingbrook Skeptics: All Will County prisoners wrongly convicted due to false memories
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/11/18

Web Exclusive: The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2018 (Fiction)

Will Obama save the world in 2018?

Once again, our psychics nailed their predictions for 2017. Trump survived his first term. Mayor Roger Claar was in a tight election, which he won. Jay Cutler left the Bears, and President Donald Trump had an inauguration so rough that the White House had to lie about it.

Sure, some of the more skeptical bloggers on Freethought Blogs will point out our errors and the things we missed. Chicago didn’t become a part of Canada, and we didn’t predict our move to this blog network.

Predicting the future isn’t an exact science. Still, we think our psychics did a good job, and we hope you will consider their visions for the new year. At least this year, they were able to wake up from their trances without screaming in horror!

So here are our predictions for 2018:

***

During the Winter Olympics, Trump will decide to launch a nuclear attack. After entering the codes, a message from former President Barack Obama will appear.

“Donald! I knew you couldn’t resist the opportunity to use our nuclear weapons. So, I took the liberty of keeping the real nuclear football and giving you this replica. I can’t let you risk the reputation of this great nation by committing genocide. Well, by committing genocide again. We aren’t perfect. Anyway, you can play with your little football, and I’ll keep our huge stockpile of peacekeepers safe and secure until a reasonable person takes office.”

Obama will go into hiding, while Trump will unleash the mother of all Twitter rants.

***

During a Bolingbrook Village Board meeting, Claar will try to humiliate Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz – by letting him propose an ordinance with the expectation that the other trustees, who are members of Claar’s Bolingbrook First party, would refuse to second it.

To Claar’s surprise, all of his trustees will second the proposal. After Jaskiewicz gives a short speech, Claar will say that anyone who votes for the ordinance is a foe of Bolingbrook. He will then call for a roll-call vote.

When it is their turn to vote, each Bolingbrook First trustee will struggle to say anything. “I can’t say the ’n’ word!” one of them will cry.

Frustrated, Claar will lash out at Trustee Rick Morales. “You’ve voted no in the past. Why can’t you do it now?”

“You said there is no “no” in a team and if I want to stay on the team, I can never vote “no.” But I can’t vote with Bob. I’m so confused. I can’t tell you to get with the program because you are the program, Roger.”

Jaskiewicz will chuckle. “You’ve conditioned your trustees never to vote no. They can’t overcome it.”

The final vote will be one vote “no,” one vote “yes,” and five abstentions. After the voting, the Bolingbrook First trustees will either be crying, passed out, or reading their trustee reports out loud.

“That’s just great,” Claar will say.

***

A prominent leader in the atheist movement will file a $1 trillion lawsuit against all Christian dominations.

“I’ve built my career on the fact that Jesus never existed,” the prominent atheist will say. “By promoting the myth of Jesus, these organizations are maliciously attacking my work and raising slanderous questions about my sanity. I have no choice but to defend my reputation.”

***

The business world will be shocked when Bolingbrook’s Ulta buys UPS. Ulta will then disrupt e-commerce by announcing that they will no longer handle Amazon’s freight.

“Maybe it is overkill to buy a global freight company,” an executive will say. “But something has to be done to stop Amazon from destroying retail sales. Will someone think of the malls?”

Surprisingly, the move will only inspire Amazon to expand its own logistical services. Most of the world will not see any disruptions in deliveries.

“We’re so big that the economy bends to our will,” an anonymous Amazon executive will say. “Soon every American will either work for us or work to support us. In the end, there can be only one corporation. Let it be Amazon!”