The following stories are from our team of reporters covering the 2018 mid-term elections:
Illuminati forsakes Mayor Roger Claar
When the Illuminati’s expected coup didn’t happen on election night, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar called the Illuminati’s Inner Circle during his watch party.
“Where’s my (expletive deleted) coup?” Claar yelled. “You promised me a coup, and I promised Alyssia Benford she would be appointed to the emergency Illinois legislature! What do you mean you canceled it?”
According to sources within the Illuminati, the Inner Circle canceled their coup plans due to resistance from the New World Order, and the belief that they could create more chaos with a Democratic-controlled House and a Republican-controlled Senate.
“We like Roger,” said an Illuminati leader who asked remain anonymous. “He did give us Clow UFO Base. However, we’re not in the business of rewarding our allies. We’re in the business of creating global chaos that we can exploit. The voters in the United States presented us with an opportunity, and we decided to exploit it.”
Other Illuminati leaders agreed and added that they were delighted with Benford’s efforts to disrupt the DuPage Township.
“She does have a future in the Illuminati,” said another anonymous leader. “Maybe after she finishes destroying the Township we can find a new opportunity for her. As for Roger, we think this election will provide him with plenty of opportunities to slam Democrats. He should be happy that he can now attack the County Clerk, Treasurer, and Sheriff as well as Commissioner Jackie Traynere.”
Benford refused to be interviewed unless she wrote the article. The Babbler rejected her request.
This reporter also heard one of Claar’s allies offer a solution to the Republican’s losses in Will County:
“The Republicans have held the Clerk’s office for 80 years. Therefore we still hold the office and (County Clerk-elect Lauren Staley-Ferry) is trying to steal it—”
“Shut-up!” snapped Claar. “And learn about the Genetic Fallacy!”
Aliens celebrate Sean Casten’s US House victory
by Reporter X
Sounds of joy filled Clow UFO Base’s stadium as Sean Casten, a former employee, defeated Rep. Peter Roskam in the Illinois Sixth Congressional Race.
“I remember when Sean was a quiet biochemist,” said Xop Logot from Komat Empire. “Now he’s an outgoing leader of humans. He’s come a long way. Now I hope he can save Earth from runaway global warming.”
Casten later addressed the aliens via teleconference: “I hope my victory shows the Interstellar Commonwealth that there are good people on this planet who want to fight for the future of our species. I didn’t run for Congress just so I could hang out with all of you. I ran so I could fix our country’s problems, and help humanity become worthy of full membership. My work has just started.”
Casten then led the aliens in singing “Thunder Road” by Bruce Springsteen.
A spokesperson for Roskam said he was unavailable for comment.
In the background, a man who sounded like Roskam cried: “Map! My beautiful gerrymandered map. I loved you, and you betrayed me! Holly whatshername seduced you, didn’t she?”
Naperville Police prevent Election Day Riots
Sources within the Naperville Police Department say that they turned around buses filled with alleged “Brookes Brothers rioters.”
“We know the DuPage Election Commission stinks,” said an officer who asked that we not use her name. “The last thing we need is a bunch of rich men from out of state invading our county.”
Organizers of the bus insisted that they weren’t rioters but were “aggressive poll watchers” who couldn’t believe that Lauren Underwood had a chance to win the election.
“I told them we would find out tonight,” said the officer. “But rioting wasn’t going to help. Turns out she won fair and square. It’s weird that all of Naperville’s Congressional representatives are Democrats. I guess that’s what the voters want.”
A spokesperson for Underwood pointed out that Underwood grew up in Naperville and denounced the rioter assumptions. “We’re Naperville. We have a reputation to uphold, and Lauren is part of that reputation!”
Note: This is a work of fiction.