By Reporter X
For the first time since 1986, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar will not be in charge of Clow UFO Base.
The Interstellar Commonwealth, the governing body of the Milky Way, assumed temporary control of Clow after protesters ended their occupation. The Commonwealth will administer the base until the new village board is sworn in next year. Whichever party controls the village board after the March election will also control Clow UFO Base.
“I had no choice,” said Claar at a press conference with the interstellar media. “I could have presided over a massacre, or I could have temporarily handed over the base to a neutral third party. I chose peace, and now my foes are trying to tear me down.”
Claar specifically accused Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the opposition Bolingbrook United Party, of asking the Interstellar Commonwealth to conduct a “witch hunt” against him.
“Bob wants them to go after me because his party stands for nothing. Nothing! Bolingbrook First stands for what I want it to stand for. I made Clow the largest urban UFO base in the world. The residents will appreciate that. The foes never will.”
Claar then cited an example of what he considered a “ridiculous” charge:
“They said that every supplier to Clow UFO Base has donated to my interstellar campaign fund. I know you said that Bob. Do you want to know the actual number of vendors we paid last month that also donated to my campaign fund? Twenty-five percent! That’s not bad, and I only use it for campaign events across the galaxy. Do you know how many off-world constituents I have? You’d be surprised. More than I have in California. My foes want me to run away from my fellow residents if happen to see them on Triton. I won’t do that, Bob. I’d rather have a Proteus steak dinner with them.”
Jaskiewicz insisted that his request was part of his effort to provide oversight over Bolingbrook’s covert operations. He also added that the initial audits prove that reforms are needed at Clow:
“Sure, 25% is a good number. Do you know what an even better number is? Zero. If it can’t be zero, then there should be limits on donations. Even Cook County limits vendors’ donations to $750 per cycle. We can do better than that.”
Claar then yelled at Jaskiewicz for mentioning “that county.” He pretended to cough, then talked for several minutes: “My foes punish me. Twice a month Bob punishes me by attending meetings. Every week I am punished by the cover of the Bolingbrook Babbler in the checkout lanes. Every day I am punished whenever I read the Bolingbrook Politics Group. All I did was create the best UFO Base in the world, and the best place to live in America.”
“Don’t forget hosting a Trump fundraiser at the Golf Club,” added Jaskiewicz.
“You won’t let that go will you, Zieliński?”
Acting administrator Aplodoxage Glomox promised to consult with representatives of both parties. She also added that she would not be distracted by local politics:
“Let’s save the fighting for the next solar orbit. This week, every visitor to Clow gets a free WeatherTech snack. We’ve also reopened both WeatherTech restaurants. That’s great.”
Oljoys, a visitor from Alpha Centauri, said he liked that Clow was reopened, but hoped that it would be back under local control soon: “I do miss the recordings of (Trustee Deresa A. Hoogland) announcing events. She would say, ‘Come to the Bolingbrook event. Why should you come to the Bolingbrook event? The Bolingbrook event will be fun.’ Yes, I can upload the local calendar to my brain, but she gave each announcement a personal touch.”
Also in the Babbler:
Owner denies new arcade will have a portal to the 1980s
Will County judge rejects ‘Trump’ defense for reckless driving
Claar vetos ‘ high-end cannibalism restaurant’ application
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/5/18