The Mayors of Bolingbrook: Nora Wipfler (1975) (Fiction)

In 1975, Bolingbrook celebrated its 10th birthday. Now it was officially the second largest municipality in Will County, and some predicted that Bolingbrook would soon reach 100,000 residents by 1985. If you were young and starting a family, Bolingbrook was the happening Chicago suburb. Old Chicago would open later that year, along with the Fountaindale Library. The future seemed bright.

The Babbler’s future, at the time, seemed uncertain. Following the loss of paper of record status, publisher John Olson was forced to make cuts. The page count was cut in half, and the number of enhanced photos per issues was reduced. Many believers feared that Chicagoland’s voice of truth could be silenced.

Though the Babbler was down, it was certainly wasn’t out, as our first interview with newly elected mayor Nora Wipfler clearly showed.

Mayor Wipfler speaks: Romeoville won’t eat us!

After avoiding the Babbler during the campaign, new Village President Nora Wipfler finally agreed to an interview! While obviously the powers that be prevented her from telling the whole truth about her plans for Bolingbrook, we found her relative openness to be quite refreshing.

Reporter: Thank you for the interview, madam president.

Wipfler: You can call me mayor. Everyone else does.

Reporter: OK. Well Mayor Wipfler, thank you for this interview.

Wipfler: Oh don’t thank me. I just want to be able to go to sleep and not worry about a three AM call from your reporters.

Reporter: Fair enough.

Wipfler: But don’t think that means I’ll put up with any sexist questions.

Reporter: (Tears several pages out of his notebook.) In that case, my first question is, how do you enjoy being the most important mayor in the galaxy?

Wipfler: Galaxy? Oh, that’s right. It feels just like being the mayor of a large village in Illinois. I enjoy it.

Reporter: Tell us about your first meeting with a space alien.

Wipfler: Now come on. You know that would be classified. I could tell you, but then a man in purple would have to slap you.

Reporter: Not a man in blue?

Wipfler: I meant a man in blue. Now, how about some questions that I can answer.

Reporter: OK. Our sources tell us that Old Chicago is being built over the Indian burial ground of ancient astronauts. Are you concerned that Bolingbrook could come under attack from a curse, the alien’s decedents, or both?

Wipfler: No.

Reporter: Do you care to elaborate?

Wipfler: Old Chicago isn’t being built on an ancient nuclear waste disposal site. The developer isn’t an alien. The communists aren’t ordering me to harass the developer. It’s just as ordinary as a shopping mall with an indoor amusement park can be ordinary.

Reporter: Are you concerned about the possibility of Old Chicago coming under psychic attack?

Wipfler: I’m sure the men in lavender, er purple, er whatever color they are, will handle any such attack…Though it sounds like a good plot for a disaster movie. You should pitch it to Hollywood.

Reporter: Oh no! We’re a serious publication.

Wipfler: Sure. Next question.

Reporter: With Old Chicago opening this year and the proposed widening of Route 53, are you concerned that with more people coming into Bolingbrook, Clow’s cover will be blown?

Wipfler: Clow’s cover?

Reporter: You know. Clow’s cover story.

Wipfler: Oh, the whole UFO base silliness.

Reporter: I’ve seen the evidence!

Wipfler: Calm down. I’ll give you a quote. Old Chicago is to the South of Clow air- er, UFO base. Since everyone will be looking South, they won’t notice the UFO’s flying into Clow. That way, when someone claims there’s a UFO base in Bolingbrook, we can say, “If there were a base in Bolingbrook, how come no one has seen it?”

Reporter: Because we’ve distracted them with Old Chicago.

Wipfler: And since everyone is indoors–

Reporter: That’s brilliant!

Wipfler: That’s why I won the election.

Reporter: You know, when John–

(Wipfler clears her throat)

Reporter: OK. Next question. You are urging residents to buy in Bolingbrook. Yet Bolingbrook relies on Interstellar tourism and trade. If the aliens followed your advice, wouldn’t that devastate our economy?

Wipfler: How so?

Reporter: If they did all their shopping on their homeworlds, then they wouldn’t shop in Bolingbrook. Since we rely on their tourist dollars, should we really be suggesting that they spend their money at home?

Wipfler: Well, if they’re shopping in Bolingbrook, that means they can’t get what they’re looking for on their home planets. So, I find it unlikely that our campaign would encourage them to shop elsewhere. So, if we encourage our residents to shop in Bolingbrook, and aliens to shop in Bolingbrook as well, together they’ll help boost our economy.

Reporter: I see.

Wipfler: Now we’re getting silly. What’s the next question?

Reporter: Some people say that the Bolingbrook/Romeoville joint planning commission is part of a plot to merge Bolingbrook into Romeoville.

Wipfler: Absolutely not. Romeoville is not going to eat Bolingbrook. It is just a group dedicated to coordinating the growth of our two communities.

Reporter: Kind of like the Twin Cities.

Wipfler: In a way, yes.

Reporter: I have a friend in the Twin Cities. He tells me that he knows an unusually large number of people there who practice polygamy or are in so-called open relationships. Aren’t you afraid that if Bolingbrook and Romeoville act like the Twin Cities, more residents will take up these so-called “alternative lifestyles?”

Wipfler: I… I really don’t know how to answer that question.

Reporter: You’re not afraid that forcing Bolingbrook into a twin city relationship with Romeoville will endanger traditional family values in Bolingbrook?

Wipfler: I’m not sure what I think of your hypothesis.

Reporter: Some people say that this commission is oppressive to the residents of Bolingbrook, and could lead to a civil war.

Wipfler: Is some people named John Olson?

Reporter: Maybe. How do you respond?

Wipfler: I think our alien ambassadors would be able to broker a peace deal before any violence. Besides, we are suburbanites. We don’t resort to violence. We resort to filing lawsuits against each other. That’s the civilized way.

Reporter: But don’t you think?

Wipfler: I think you have enough material. You don’t have as many pages as you used to.

Reporter: True, but I do have one more.

Staffer: (Walks into the room.) Excuse me. That man sent another letter to you. He says that our ordinances regarding gas station signs are too restrictive, and that we shouldn’t be fining stations whose signs violate the rules.

Wipfler: So, he thinks a gas station should be able to post signs advertising their food and non-automotive products?

Staffer: Yes.

Wipfler: Well then. Maybe we should let all the gas stations put up as many signs as they want, and if the marketplace allows Bolingbrook to be covered in signs, then who are we to argue?

(Long pause and both women burst out laughing.)

Wipfler: That’s a good one.

Tomorrow:  Mayor Robert “Bob” Bailey catches Disco Fever.

The Mayors of Bolingbrook: James Johnston (1974) (Fiction)

The second half of 1974 saw the opening of Bolingbrook High School. The first class of students also included 10 alien “observers.”, thus making Valley View the first school district in the free world to openly admit both human and extraterrestrial students.

James Johnston also became mayor in 1974, and would not run for reelection in 1975. Though he didn’t have the shortest term in the history of Bolingbrook, he does have the honor of having the shortest published interview in the Babbler.

Village President calls Romeoville’s annexation threat ‘nonsense’

Tensions between Bolingbrook and Romeoville escalated after Village President James Johnston abruptly ended an interview with the Babbler.

The complete transcript of the Interview is below:

Johnston: Sorry for the delay. I had to finish writing a letter to a young man who’s trying to tell me how to run the village. He says I need to fix the divided village board.

Reporter: No problem.

Johnston: So let’s get this over with. I guess it’s a rite of passage for the village president to be interviewed by the Babbler.

Reporter: OK. Given the fact that Bolingbrook violated their agreement with Romeoville by annexing land south of I-55 in order to build Old Chicago, Romeoville has talked about annexing land north of I-55. My question is this: If Romeoville tries to annex Clow UFO base, will you consider this an act of war, requiring the federal government to invade Romeoville, and if the Pleiades Confederation, as required by the treaty of Bolingbrook, assists militarily, how many causalities will you consider acceptable, how will you handle the antiwar protests, how will you stop the war from spreading to other suburbs, or will you just send in the Men in Blue to assassinate the Romeoville Village Board?

Johnston: (pauses) I don’t have time for this nonsense. (Hangs up the phone.)

Mark J Lindquist, an alien affairs analyst and advisor to the Babbler, called Johnston’s remarks irresponsible.

“I don’t think the deaths of thousands of innocent lives is nonsense.” He said. “Look at what happened at Kent State. Sure, Nixon was following orders from an alien overmind, but that didn’t make it right. Now imagine it on a larger scale. We’ll be the most hated suburb in the world!”

A spokesperson for Romeoville, who asked not to be named, also replied to Johnston’s remarks.

“We certainly do not consider the proud history of Romeoville to be nonsense. We’re named after a famous Shakespeare character! Bolingbrook is named after an obscure Shakespeare character, and can’t even keep a village president in office for longer than one term. You know what, I’ll bet you in a few years the demoralized Bolingbrook board will approach the joint planning commission and beg Romeoville to annex them. Your village is nothing more than a passing fad, like Southwest Airlines! We are as immortal as PanAm!”

Tomorrow:  Nora Wipfler becomes the second female mayor/village president of Bolingbrook, and she’s ready to fight back against the Babbler

The mayors of Bolingbrook: Patricia McDowell (1974) (Fiction)

In the early 1970s, the second wave of the feminist movement was in full swing. Many of the protections and rights women now take for granted were won during this time. Ideas once considered radical, like women should have equal opportunities, finally gained acceptance during this period.

During the middle of this time of transformation, the Bolingbrook trustees elected Patricia McDowell as the first female village president. Though to date, her presidency was the shortest tenure of all of Bolingbrook’s mayors, history will always remember her as a pioneer for all of Bolingbrook’s female political leaders.

Unfortunately, the Babbler at the time didn’t share the country’s growing acceptance of feminism. Publisher John Olson led the charge to have McDowell removed. His campaign reached a low point with the Babbler’s first and last interview with her. 

(2017: Content notice for the casual sexism of our former publisher. Sentiment NOT shared by current publisher.)

Did Village President McDowell punish the Babbler because it was that time of the month?

By John Olson
Publisher of the Bolingbrook Babbler

Village president Patricia McDowell invited me to her office after weeks of asking her for an interview. I graciously accepted the opportunity to explain to Mrs. McDowell why she was a bad example for the young ladies of Bolingbrook. She, like Betty Ford, is no lady, but I hoped to persuade her to reconsider her reckless fantasy that men would actually take orders from her.

As I stepped into her sparse office, I longed to see a women’s touch. She seemed out of place in a room once occupied by such manly men as Robert Schanks. Instead, there stood, this petite thing. She motioned for me to sit. I refused to sit until she sat. She sighed and then sat down.

McDowell: Let’s get this over with. I don’t appreciate going to Jewel and seeing my face on the cover of your tabloid. I really don’t like it when you insinuate that I’m cheating on my husband with an alien.

Olson: I have sources!

McDowell: What have I ever done to you? Why do you hate me?

Olson: I should be asking the questions. I’m the man in the room.

McDowell: And I’m the one in charge of the police department. Which by the way, I’ve noticed that our officers have been very forgiving whenever they see one of your reporters poking around Clow.

Olson: You don’t intimidate me.

McDowell: I’m not even trying to.

Olson: But I will answer your questions. I don’t hate you. I hate the fact that you are bringing your radical feminist baby killing man-hating ideas into village hall with the goal of corrupting our fine democracy and turning our village into a cesspool of communism and vegetarian feminism!

McDowell: Oh really?

Olson: Yes, and you’re a weak leader! You’ve already backed down against a sinister conspiracy to brainwash our citizens and turn us into slaves of the Octurian Alliance!

McDowell: I don’t follow you.

Olson: The signs, Mrs. McDowell! They’re putting messages in the signs, along with the communists, and you’re too nice to stop them from taking over.

McDowell: Oh, you’re upset that we didn’t enact the 90-day moratorium on new business signs. I told you at the meeting that you were welcome to do your own study–

Olson: We have done our own study. The messages are everywhere and you won’t stop them because you’re too weak. Schanks was right. Women don’t know which roles aren’t suited for them!

McDowell: And you don’t think I’m suited to be village president?

Olson: Of course not! You are the most important village president in the world! You control interstellar trade with Chicago. Yet you would rather advance an agenda that would force all housewives to get jobs, throw our children into orphanages, and cut off the testicles of all male residents. Now I think women should have some rights, like the right to decide how to clean their homes, but you want to push men into slavery! You want to force all residents to have surgery to remove all traces of gender. Just like the aliens of Zardos. You want to violate the universal foundation of every alien civilization which requires that all women submit to their males.

McDowell: It’s funny how all the aliens in your stories seem to share your beliefs.

Olson: What are you trying to say?

McDowell: I’m just saying it strikes me as funny that all of your aliens seem to reflect your beliefs.

Olson: My aliens? Oh, I get it. But then again you’re a woman so you wouldn’t understand. Just like my wife doesn’t understand, but she supports me, unlike you.

McDowell: Why would I support you? You’ve been nothing but condescending towards me ever since I first ran for trustee.

Olson: You know what I meant! No, I take that back. You don’t know what I meant. Because you are a woman! Your role is to have babies and support your husband. All women have a role to play, and business to attend to. You and all other women have no business being village president of Bolingbrook! You, and other young women like you, are the reason that God will smite Bolingbrook.

McDowell: And yet God always postpones his smiting for another week. I read the Babbler too, you know.

Olson: That’s good. So why don’t you resign, and spend more time trying to understand the Babbler? Then you’ll know why it’s important to support families.

McDowell: Mr. Olson. A young man sent me letter the other day. He said that he has a vision for Bolingbrook. In his vision, he sees village trustees, female, male, white, black and Hispanic all voting as one for the greater good of Bolingbrook. He sees a village where experience and education are valued over biology. Then I read your vision of Bolingbrook, and I feel sad. No, I just feel sorry for you.

Olson: Sorry for me? How dare you feel sorry for me. I am the voice of Bolingbrook. I created Bolingbrook’s first and only true tabloid.

McDowell: Except The Beacon was the first newspaper.

Olson: It was a newsletter then, and today it is just an oversized newsletter. I publish the truth! I know that the truth is unbelievable, and I still publish it! Because I am a man, and men must do what men do! I will do this! I will stand up to you.

McDowell: So you really don’t think I should be the village president.

Olson: I didn’t say that. Stop putting words in my mouth! I said is that you shouldn’t be out of the home at all. Big difference. And I will fight to have you taken away from your prison and put back in your home, where you belong.

McDowell: (pauses) You are welcome to say that. After all, it is in the First Amendment. However, the village doesn’t have to pay for your right to speak out against me.

Olson: What are you saying?

McDowell: The other villages presidents have been very lenient with their definition of what a paper of record is. After this conversation, it’s clear to me, and to the other board members, that the Babbler doesn’t qualify as a paper of record. It’s more like a work of fiction by a bitter man.

Olson: You wouldn’t dare! I’ll tell your husband on you. He’ll make you back down. No, I don’t have to do that. No one in the village hall will do what you say. The Babbler is a Bolingbrook institution! You can’t have Bolingbrook without the Babbler!

McDowell: We’ll find out if that’s true. (Presses a button on her phone.) Cancel all official announcements in the Babbler until further notice.

Voice: Yes?.

McDowell: Please stop buying space in the Babbler until further notice. We will post official announcements elsewhere. Now, Mr. Olson, I may not be able to physically intimidate anyone, but thanks to my ability to work with others, you are now out of a major source of income.

Olson: Oh you may be acting tough, but I’ll write up this interview and the world will know what kind of person you are! The Babbler will always be the paper of record, no matter what you say!

McDowell: I think its time for you to leave.

Olson (pauses): Out of respect for your husband, I will leave!

Just like an emotional woman at that time of the month, the Babbler is being victimized! Rest assured, the Babbler will work hard to put a man back in charge of Bolingbrook and restore The American Way to our community!

McDowell had to resign a few months later due to her husband accepting a job in Denver, CO. Though a man cut short her carrier as mayor, her legacy lives on. Today Sara Langston is the editor of the Babbler, and we publish stories from both male and female reporters. We and the village of Bolingbrook have come a long way, baby.

Tomorrow:  Village President James Johnston feels the heat from the Babbler. 

The Mayors of Bolingbrook: Thomas Groseth (1973) (Fiction)

From 1968 to 1973, Bolingbrook was on its way to becoming the second largest municipality in Will County. The first restaurant, Mr. Quick, opened in 1969. The park district was founded in 1970. That year also saw Valley View become the evilest school district in the country with its year-round calendar. Indian Oaks, Winston Woods, Ivanhoe, Cherrywood, and Cinnamon Creek subdivisions started in 1971. The first shopping center opened in 1972. Jewel opened in 1973, thus giving the Babbler two distribution locations, and allowing the Babbler to end free home delivery to every resident in Bolingbrook.

The Babbler also experienced growing pains. With the founding of the Bolingbrook park district, the Babbler was no longer Bolingbrook’s number one tourist attraction. Other weekly publications appeared and attempted to compete with the Babbler. Still, the future seemed bright for the Babbler.

In 1973, newly elected Village President Thomas Groseth tried to ignore the Babbler. He even went as far as to write a column for The Bolingbrook Beacon claiming it was Bolingbrook’s first newspaper. Though the persistence of one reporter, we finally got our interview.

Village President Groseth: Nixon supports me!

It took several phone calls, two visits from the Bolingbrook Police department, and two trips with The Men in Blue, but this reporter finally got an interview with Village President Thomas Groseth!

Groseth: Do you know what time it is?

Reporter: It’s time for your interview with the Babbler!

Groseth: You just won’t give up, will you?

Reporter: Absolutely not! Mr. Olson won’t pay me until I get a story. You how inflation is, man.

Groseth: (sighs) OK. Let’s get this over with.

Reporter: What is your favorite thing about being the village president?

Groseth: That’s the first question? OK, um, I really like getting letters from a young man who wants to move to Bolingbrook once he gets his Ph.D. So every time I hear someone complain at a board meeting, I just think about this young man and smile. Because someone out there is inspired by our village.

Reporter: You mean you’re more proud of getting fan letters than you are of being the administrator of the world’s largest urban UFO base?

Groseth: (sighs) Do we have to play this game? OK. This should make you happy. I neither confirm nor deny the existence of a UFO base next to Clow Airport.

Reporter: Then you are confirming that the base is under Clow?

Groseth: (muffled scream): If there were a base under Clow, and I’m not saying there is, then I would be very proud to be its administrator.

Reporter: Ah. Now if you were its administrator, and you’re not saying that you are, what are some of the challenges you face?

Groseth: (Yawns) Other than stopping the staff from making Uranus jokes? Hmm. I would say that covering up Clow’s finances from the general public.

Reporter: Really?

Groseth: Sure! Clow must make billions of dollars from all the extraterrestrial trade it does. Even with computers and pocket calculators, it must be quite a challenge to add up all those dollars. I’m sure the money is hidden in certain line items. I would have to make sure that none of the secret accountants did something wrong, like, misallocate a small percentage of the funds into a covert bank account, or hide a certain percentage in a seemingly innocent budget line. Plus, I’d have to make sure that no one creates any phantom employees to misallocate the funds. Hmm.

Reporter: That sounds like a demanding job.

Groseth: It is, if I had that job. I’m sure that if I had that job, President Nixon would fully support me. Heck, I’m sure that once Congress finishes its investigation, Nixon and I will still be in our positions. And I think that’s all for tonight.

Reporter: But I have questions about the aliens fascists in our schools, and weredogs on the–

Groseth: Tell John (Olson) that if one his reporters ever wakes me up again, I may or may not send the blue men after him.

Reporter: You mean the Men in Blue.

Groseth: Good night, Good morning, whatever time it is!

History says that Groseth resigned as village president on May 7, 1974 after he was fired from his full-time job. This was followed by President Nixon’s resignation on August 9, 1974. History also says that the two resignations were unrelated.

Sources at the time told the Babbler that both men were removed from power following an audit of Clow’s covert budget. Though Groseth was acquitted by the Illuminati’s high court in 1976, and Nixon was pardoned in 1974, both men would never again be involved with Clow UFO base.

Tomorrow:  Patricia McDowell becomes Bolingbrook’s first female village president, and Publisher John Olson decides to do something about it! 

The Mayors of Bolingbrook: Jack Leonard (1965) (Fiction)

For our Mayors of Bolingbrook special report, we’re starting with Jack Leonard, Bolingbrook’s first village president, as mayors were called back then. Leonard was instrumental in persuading the Trilateral Commission to found Bolingbrook as a cover for Clow UFO Base. Not only was he the first police chief, he also was the first temporal monitor, weredeer control officer, and alien greeter. Historians to this day do not know how he managed to get any sleep.

(Update 2017: This interview occurred right after residents voted to approve the creation of Bolingbrook in 1965. It is was conducted by John Olson, our first publisher. It was published in the very first issue of the Babbler.) 

Village President denies being a Soviet patsy!
Publisher escapes arrest and certain brainwashing!

Publisher John Olson crashed the village trustee’s celebration of Colonial Estates’ loss of freedom under the newly formed “village” of Bolingbrook. We have the exclusive transcript!

Olson: I have a question for the so-called president of this new village.

Leonard: Who are you?

Olson: I am the publisher of The Bolingbrook Babbler.  My reporter is handing out test (sample?) copies for each of you.

Trustee: How can we have a second newspaper? The voters only just approved incorporation.

Olson: Whenever oppressive liberal government forms, the press rises up to oppose it.

Leonard: We haven’t even had a meeting yet.

Trustee: And what kind of name is the Babbler anyway?

Olson: As in a babbling brook! What kind of name is Bolingbrook anyway?

Trustee: It comes from Shakespeare–

Leonard: Now you said you had a question. What is it?

Olson: Knowing that on any given night, up to three communist satellites pass over our community, and given that there are Beatniks and other unsavory elements just outside of our newly imposed border, and given that forcing the residents into a collective village is almost the same as collectivism which is practiced by–

Leonard: Do you have a question?

Olson: Are you going to petition Will County to invalidate this election because of interference from Soviet mind control satellites?

Trustee: Wait a minute! According to this article, God is going to smite Bolingbrook after our first meeting. Why are you working on an issue if God is going to destroy all of us?

Olson: We think that enough residents will say the prayer in the article and save Bolingbrook.

Leonard: I think you need to get more fresh air. The mold in your basement is affecting your brain.

Olson: Very funny. I will now ask another question.

Leonard: This should be good.

Olson: When will you tell the truth about Clow?

Leonard: The truth?

Olson: The truth that Bolingbrook is really a cover for the largest urban UFO base in the World!

(Silence)

Olson: And we’re going to keep covering Clow and all the other supernatural events in Bolingbrook!

Leonard: Honey, get the jail ready!

Wife: It’s full!

Leonard: Already?

Wife: People are getting drunk celebrating the new village.

Leonard: Mister, if it were up to me, I would lock you up tonight. But tonight, in the spirit of unity, I’m just going to ask you to leave. Instead of attacking the village, you should be following the example of a young man from out of town. He said that he wanted to be a pioneer, to start a new life in Bolingbrook. I said, “Young man, if you really want to help Bolingbrook we’ll need leaders. Leaders need PhDs! If you want to go out on your own, go to an out of state university first.  Take your time. Because Bolingbrook will be waiting for you.” Someday, he will be a great asset for Bolingbrook. You should work to be a great asset to this village right now.

Olson: Oh don’t worry! You may be part of an alien/communist plot, but we will be working together!

Leonard: Why’s that?

Olson: Because I run the only newspaper in Bolingbrook. That means I own the paper of record!

Trustee: What about The Beacon?

Olson: The Beacon? The Beacon is just Joe Kovach’s oversized newsletter and it covers other communities. The Babbler, on the other hand, exclusively covers Bolingbrook, and it looks better than The Beacon! We are the first true tabloid in Bolingbrook. You have to make us the paper of record!

Trustee: He has a point!

Leonard: GET OUT!

Tomorrow: Robert Schanks unleashes the ultimate weapon in the fight to maintain law and order in Bolingbrook!

Babbler celebrates the 19th anniversary of its first post (Fiction)

By Sara Langston
Editor of the Bolingbrook Babbler

Nineteen years ago this month, the Bolingbrook Babbler posted its first article online.  It was a hand-coded HTML page hosted on a staff member’s webpage.  The story investigated the possibility of a tornado magnet located at Lewis University.  (The magnet has since been dismantled.)  There was some controversy when the article was first published because our copy editor at the time insisted that the Lewis University was misspelling its name.

From that humble beginning, the website has come a long way over nineteen years.  Today, our web page reaches an international audience, as well as the residents of Bolingbrook.  We are the place to go for the unbelievable truth about Bolingbrook.

Each anniversary, we like to repost articles from the archives of our print edition.  This year we will be featuring our first interviews with each of Bolingbrook’s Mayors.  Yes, we did this in 2010, but this year we’ve made some enhancements to the articles.  Plus, we’re concerned that there are Bolingbrook residents who believe that Claar is the only mayor Bolingbrook has ever had.  While he is the longest-serving mayor in Bolingbrook’s history, he is not its only mayor.

So, join us this week as we’ll be featuring an interview from each of Bolingbrook’s mayors, past and present! Though these interviews, we hope you’ll see how both Bolingbrook and the Babbler have changed over the years.

Web Exclusive: Naperville protesters crash 10/24/17 Bolingbrook board meeting (Fiction)

Eyewitness and video analysis confirm that Naperville residents disrupted the 10/24/17 Village of Bolingbrook Board Meeting.  The protest was later edited out of the recording uploaded to the website.

“This was supposed to be a happy farewell to Public Safety Director Tom Ross,” said an anonymous eyewitness.  “Instead, those loud snobs, I mean Naperville residents, almost ruined it.”

According to the sources, after the Pledge of Allegiance portion of the meeting, ten Naperville residents stood up.  Their leader identified themselves as members of the Naperville Civic Response Action Team.  The leader said that they were furious over Facebook posts from the “Mayor’s Office” account.

“How dare you threaten to build a wall to separate yourselves from us.  We’re Naperville!  We have a reputation to uphold.  Suburbs separating themselves from us is not part of that reputation.  We’re the ones who do the separating!”

Mayor Roger Claar replied that the account is actually a “fake news” account, and asked if they had bothered to read the About section on the page.

“Why would we read the ‘About’ section?  We’re Naperville residents, we have a reputation to uphold.”

“I get the point!”  Claar replied.

Police escorted the ten residents out of the meeting.  Then five Naperville residents stood up and started chanting.  The first chant was, “Naperville is a-okay/Bolingbrook should go away!”  The second chant was “Naperville is beyond rebuke/Bolingbrook makes me puke!”

Claar made an unprintable remark, then said, “I told you that’s a fake news account!”

“You’re fake news!” yelled a protester.  “Just like your fake moat and your fake golf club!  You are an unworthy Trump supporter!”

Police escorted the protesters out again.  The meeting proceeded until the Trustees started giving their reports.  Another group of protesters stood up.

Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz interrupted them:

“Roger hates me and I have no reason to lie for him.  We’re not building a moat or a wall.  We like Naperville, and we like it when you shop in our stores and visit our events.  You’re welcome here. Let’s come together.”

Claar then shouted an unprintable comment, followed by: “Facebook just rejected my complaint about that page.  What do I have to do to get them shut down?”

After the meeting, Claar called Naperville Mayor Steve Chirico.  The two agreed that there was a misunderstanding between the two communities.  Chirico agreed to talk to the protesters, and Claar agreed to edit the video of the meeting “to protect Naperville’s reputation.”

An anonymous source at the Bolingbrook IT department confirmed the editing.  “We had to make a lot of awkward edits and used too many shots of Roger being bored.  Still, no one will ever suspect that there were protesters at the meeting.   As far as the rest of the world is concerned, Tom got the celebration he deserved!”

Neither Facebook nor the team behind the Mayor’s Office account could be reached for comment.

Bolingbrook Deputy Mayor Leroy Brown dies (Non-fiction)

Bolingbrook’s Deputy Mayor Leroy Brown died on October 31, 2017.  He had had open heart surgery earlier in the month.  Brown became a trustee in 1993 and a Deputy Mayor in 2000. He served in both positions until his death.  The Bolingbrook website has more details about his career and his life.

I never spoke with Leroy. However, I did see him at Village Board meetings, read about him in the local press, and watched him on BCTV.  I did send him an e-mail to settle a debate over whether the village website had his correct e-mail address.  It did.  Leroy never replied.

While we would have disagreed about politics and religion, my impression of him was that he was a friendly man who did care about the community. The organizations he volunteered for will miss him.

Yesterday, not only did Leroy die, but there was also a death in my family. I don’t take comfort in believing that Leroy is looking down on Bolingbrook, or that my deceased relative is offering to teach Leroy how to play Settlers of Catan. Instead, I found comfort when I looked up this quote from Richard Dawkins:

“We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born. The potential people who could have been here in my place but who will in fact never see the light of day outnumber the sand grains of Arabia. Certainly those unborn ghosts include greater poets than Keats, scientists greater than Newton. We know this because the set of possible people allowed by our DNA so massively exceeds the set of actual people. In the teeth of these stupefying odds it is you and I, in our ordinariness, that are here.We privileged few, who won the lottery of birth against all odds, how dare we whine at our inevitable return to that prior state from which the vast majority have never stirred?”

Though we were on opposite sides of the political divide, I am glad that Leroy was one of the lucky ones.

Aliens banned from trick or treating in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

By Reporter X

For the first time since 1988, space aliens have been barred from trick or treating in Bolingbrook.

“Melania Trump, who is the director of the United States Office of UFO Base Operations, issued a new set of directives,” read the press release from Clow UFO Base.  “Based on these directives, we have decided not to allow trick or treating by our visitors.”

Sources within Clow UFO Base provided copies of Melania’s directives.  While the documents do not directly specify Trick or Treating, they do stress that UFO Bases under Illuminati control must not “allow aliens to take ‘anything of value’ from resident humans without filling out impact statements.”

“It’s just too much bureaucracy,”  said an anonymous Clow official.  “Since it’s essentially aliens taking candy away from Bolingbrook’s children, we decided not to bother.  Think of it as (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) putting Bolingbrook’s kids first.”

Plojakwil, a resident of Kepler-62f, said she was disappointed in the ruling.

“I spend months crammed inside Clow UFO base for my job.  They just canceled the one time of year I get to go outside without a costume.  Thanks, Roger.”

Javekodosh, a scientist for the Interstellar Commonwealth, says the ban will hurt interstellar research:

“We can observe from a distance, we can insert probes, and we can consume your media.  Nothing, however, takes the place of face to face interactions with humans.  Some our best sociology studies of humans involved trick or treating.  This decision will hurt science in Bolingbrook.”

Javekodosh also questioned the rationale for the ban:

“If there are more trick or treaters, it means residents will have to buy more candy.  Increasing candy sales will help local businesses. More residents may consider handing out candy.  That means more candy for Bolingbrook’s children.”

Plojakwil says she plans on trick or treating in Rochelle instead:

“I’m taking my business to Hub 35 and the New World Order.  They allow us to trick or treat and the staff there are nicer.  If Roger doesn’t stand up to the Trumps, Clow will lose money.”

When reached for comment, a receptionist for Claar said: “Trick or Treating this year is allowed on October 31st from 4 PM to 7 PM.  Make sure you accompany your children or have a responsible teen to keep an eye on them.”

In the background, a woman who sounded like the unofficial advisor Charline Spencer said: “Senators Bob Corker and Jeff Flake have scored political points by distancing themselves from Trump.  You could—“

A man who sounded like Claar replied, “They’re quitters.  Do I look like a quitter?”

Also in the Babbler:

Black cats call for compassion during Halloween
Bolingbrook witches promise to protect village from evil spirits
Claar bans Nazi costumes in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/1/17

Clow UFO Base survives without Mayor Claar and Deputy Mayor Brown (Fiction)

By Reporter X

With Mayor Roger Claar on a business trip and Deputy Mayor Leroy Brown on medical leave, the remaining five trustees managed Clow UFO Base for a week.

“The base is still around,” said an anonymous Clow employee.  “That’s all I have to say.”

Trustee Michael Lawler met with representatives from the Illuminati and gave them a tour:

“Clow UFO Base is the largest urban UFO Base in the world.  It is also one of the few Intergalactic Certified UFO bases in the United States.  In 1997, Clow was a rundown UFO Base.  Now, look at it.”

“Excuse me,” said Initiate Blake.  “In 1997, your mayor had been in charge of Clow for 12 years.  Are you saying he was a bad administrator?”

“Oh, no.  I did it again.  Let me say that we can all agree that Clow is one of the best UFO bases in the world, and we can thank Roger for making that possible.  He deserves all the credit.”

Trustee Deresa Hoogland gave a presentation to the Interstellar Association of Child Carrying Beings.  At first, she talked about upcoming events for Heart Haven Outreach, then stopped.

“I’m sorry.  I just realized that I was reading the wrong speech.  Well, I’m sure everyone in the universe will agree that any of my prepared speeches are better than the ones written by a certain renegade trustee.”

No one in the audience replied.

Trustee Rick Morales held a meeting with Bolingbrook’s resident space aliens.  They asked if they could perform “Bad, Bad, Leroy Brown” in honor of Deputy Mayor Brown.

“No!” Morales replied.  “That song has been banned from Clow since 1993.  You’re not taking advantage of me because Roger is out of town.”

“But we changed the lyrics,” replied Zizgot, an ambassador to Clow.  “Listen.  He’s Good/Good/Leroy Brown/Best Deputy Mayor in the whole darn town/Greater than Godzilla/Softer than Mothera.”

“Seriously?  The word stupid doesn’t even begin to describe those lyrics adequately.  There are only two kinds of beings in Bolingbrook:  Residents and foes – and no resident would dare sing about Trustee Brown with those lyrics.”

“Foes?”  Zizgot and his guards drew their weapons.  “Did Bolingbrook just declare war on the GisBlot Empire?”

Clow security guards pulled out their guns.  “Only if you don’t renounce your obvious alliance with (Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz).”

After a minute of pointing weapons at each other, Zizgot agreed not to sing the song, and Morales said that members of the GisBlot Empire were honorary Bolingbrook residents.

Trustee Maria A. Zarate managed Clow’s customs offices.  She said she enjoyed the experience and was proud to deny access to a group aliens with ties to the interstellar anti-vaccination movement.

“As a trustee, I’m always voting ‘yes.’  It was so exhilarating to finally be able to say ‘no.’ Especially since I knew Roger would approve of my decision.  Still, I will always vote with Roger, so don’t get the wrong idea.”

Jaskiewicz was in charge of the Complaints Department.  During one meeting an alien said, “Bob, your fellow trustees say that you are an evil liar and nothing you say is true.”

“You exist,” replied Jaskiewicz.

The being touched itself for a few seconds and looked at its reflection in the window.

“I’m impressed.  You are truly an intelligent being.”

Sources say Claar returned to Bolingbrook near the end of the week and praised the work of “some” of his trustees.

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook police subdue river monster blocking Royce Road
Naperville approves ‘high-end’ blast shelters
Get well soon, Deputy Mayor Leroy Brown!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/17/17